Juanita in carbonite

Earlier this week I told you about a tiny, dead weasel I dressed, adopted and named Juanita.  Within a few days she had her very own meme and a line of products.  Kinda fucking impressive for a dead weasel, if you ask me.  And possibly a little cocky.  Regardless, she brought joy and laughter to many, and several of you will be getting emails about free Juanita junk because you entered something bad-ass into the meme contest, but the ultimate winner was a personal favorite of mine from Bart Smith:

Look closely. There are 15+ bloggess-isms here. (It's bigger on the inside.)

For being awesome and amazing at photoshop (seriously, click here for a giant version), Bart wins a tiny, resin Juanita statue, which looks as if Juanita was frozen in carbonate, but more colorful.

Juan-ita Solo

(Click here to pick up one for yourself.)

And in other news, it’s Sunday, which means it’s time for the weekly wrap-up:

What you missed on Ill-Advised:

What you missed on my satirical sex column:  (Moderately safe for work if your boss isn’t a complete douche-canoe.)

What you missed on the Houston Chronicle:

What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

What you missed on the internets:

This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome

This week’s wrap-up brought to you by my amazingly talented friend Sylvia, who wrote a fabulous ebook that costs less than a coke.  It’s called Fear of Landing: You Fly Like a Woman and it’s her true story about learning to fly after being told by a man that she can’t.  The perfect inspirational gift for your daughter (or son).  Plus, it’s less than a dollar and only takes an hour or two to finish.  EVERYONE WINS.  I highly recommend.

112 thoughts on “Juanita in carbonite

Read comments below or add one.

  1. God I love Juanita. Pretty sure I’m redesigning my entire decor to make room for taxidermy critter armies from here on out.

  2. I’m really surprised that all the hilarity in that photo didn’t create a black hole of awesomeness that sucked the rest of the blog and all its contents and comments into another dimension.

    Or maybe it did and I got lucky enough to come along?

  3. 1) Juanita has given me much laughter during a shitty week. 2) I LOVE the column on sex ed for kids. 3) You make my Pinterest boards so much more entertaining than my work friends.

  4. Okay I’m getting slightly less terrified of Juanita through your immersion psychology.

    So I guess there’s that…

    Happy Sunday Jenny!

  5. I’m gonna get a Juanita for my desk. She will keep my Beyonce company… and one day, they will take over…. FIRST THE OFFICE!!!! THEN THE WORLD!!!!!

  6. And what a great week it ended up. Are you confident you’ll be able to match the awesomeness this upcoming week?

    Give me some good stuff before I have my kid and am stuck changing diapers around the clock. I’m dreading it.


  7. That is seriously one of the best Memes i’ve seen -ever-

    I am utterly fasinated and I will be having to get a tiny resin Juanita.

    Is she on a spill proof water bottle? Please…please…please

    I will love you for ever

  8. On behalf of all Canadians, thank you! I hope I win because I have no money at all. I had to pinch pennies for a week to buy a new crochet hook.

  9. Love the Valentine’s Day cards, especially the licking one. Until I saw that it wasn’t about ice cream.

    Saw a metal frog doing yoga (a pose I can’t do without falling) at Ross’ last night and thought of you. He was a dull steel color, and I wanted to take him home and paint him a pretty, happy, froggy green.

  10. I’m amazed at how you manage to find infinite ways to entertain us with the absolutely most random things. You make me happy, thanks!

  11. This just replaced my daughter’s newborn picture as my desktop image, and that has been there for.ev.er — just so you know how much I heart his.

  12. I. . .I’m sorry, but I was distracted by my incessant zooming in on Nathan Fillion’s strategically placed codpiece o’ twine. Wait. . .what were we talking about again?

  13. I love Alice. I fucking love her. Her eyes tell such an emotional story, and I’m thankful that you have brought her to us. After I started blogging, your name came up on several occasions and I asked my fiance if she had ever heard of The Bloggess. She said “God yes, she’s one of my favourite bloggers. I decided that I had better check you out, and it was one of the best things I have done concerning my own outlook on life. In the month since I’ve started reading your blog, we’ve started our own version of the Travelling Red Dress, but with a blue velour shirt. My fiance also did a red dress shoot while we were on vacation, and I’ve been on the lookout for animals to kill and stuff.

    I lost my stepdad yesterday, and when I saw the video of Alice and her red dress, it immediately picked up my spirits, and gave me the kick in the ass that I needed to see that there is always a ray of light through any shitty grey sky. If you can’t find it, you either aren’t looking, or just don’t want to find it.


  14. You amaze me. In a completely fantastic way. Thank you so much for doing every little thing you do.

  15. I do believe Juanita and all the Juanitaisms that speckled your blog were the highlight of my week…or maybe my life. And thanks from Canucks everywhere for doing something special for Canadians. I’m channeling the Church Lady when I say, “Isn’t that special.”

  16. The Valentine cards? Friggin awesome. Every last one.

    Also, Juanita in carbonite is fine and all. But really, Juanita in Prada…now THAT’S the ticket.

    Don’t you think she really deserves it after all of the hard work?

  17. Bart, Bart, Bart. You are a genius, my man. An utter and complete genius. This is sooooo filled with Jenny-awesome it’s hard to express. Love. Love. Love.

    And Jenny is, of course, awesome to have so much awesome in the first place.

  18. I wish I knew how to meme. I saw all the ones on Pinterest though, they were hilarious. Juanita Weasel might be the best dead animal you’ve bought and dressed up yet. Martin Van Buren is runner up.

  19. Can we start a new meme where we get all of the new doctors to hold a ball of twine? However, Juanita may have filled the internet to the brink of awesomeness and THAT could cause a worldwide web meltdown. Are you up for the challenge of exploding the interwebs?

  20. Holy crap, a band in your bathroom? How awesome is that. But will you have to hide in the closet? I would totally hang out in your bathroom or your closet with you and drink wine slushies. I’m just that anxious.

  21. Juanita is utterly awesome. Next time I have a rough day I’m going to bare my teeth and throw my hands in the air like a dead, yet still stylish, weasel. My kids might freak out, but I’ll feel better. My husband will freak out when I put a mini-Juanita on my desk. Cause that’s now a necessity. 🙂

  22. So envious that you have your own TARDIS, and that you’ve got Will Wheaton & a naked Nathan Fillion trapped inside it. (Let’s just see them try to escape… you’re the one holding the sonic screwdriver.) That is some awesome photoshopping, indeed!

  23. Zombie action figures? I’m there. My nephews will be thrilled.

    For a B movie in a book (yes it’s possible) check out “Sherlock Holmes and the Flying Zombie Death Monkeys” on Amazon.

  24. I totally quoted Jaunita this morning even though it was eggs and not a souffle that was ruined, and my sister-in-law didn’t get it and my husband rolled his eyes. And then he asked where my apron was and I told him I was out of my allowance and he was all “didn’t you request that? why don’t you have one?” and now we are discussing how I’m going to con him into one before my birthday so I can wear it when I inevitably drop my own birthday cake on the floor.

  25. Okay, I adore you more than ever for thinking up something special for Canada. My Birthday is February 28th. And the contest winners will be announced Feb. 28th. This all might just be a coincidence. I’ll let you know Feb. 29th. 😉

    I can only find 11 memes, but I’ll keep looking! 🙂

  26. Oh no! A TARDIS inside a TARDIS? Entire worlds will collide! Oh, wait, worlds colliding is the theme of nearly every Doctor Who episode. Slick one, Bart Smith.

  27. So I thought I was relatively sexually experienced, but I had to look up all but one of those terms in the Urban Dictionary! Eeekk!

  28. I missed the bathroom concert post. I want a concert in my bathroom. Actually, I just want your bathroom, mine is the size of a very small closet.

    And that is some serious photoshop skills. He totally deserves the mini-Juanita.

  29. Ok, I looked up all of the sex terms on Urban Dictionary and I think I need a mental shower.

    Please tell me people just made up those terms to gross out their friends!

  30. If for no other reason: go see The Woman in Black for all the creepy, funny stuffed items you could research and buy. It made the movie MUCH less scary to think: “Oooh, Jenny would LOVE the maraca shaking monkey!”

  31. Oh now this is just fuckin awesome. Anything that combines references to The Bloggess, Star Wars, and The Doctor is fuckin awesome

  32. First, I’m relatively new to the glories of the Bloggess, but I have been thoroughly entertained and slightly fanatic for the past few months. But as it has only been a few months, I totally get the Beyonce, Will Wheaton, and all things Dr. Who (LOVE Dr. Who), but what’ with the naked guy in the back?

  33. His picture was awesome. I have been working with Photoshop now for about a year and am getting better everyday, but am not quite to his level yet.

  34. Juanita the Weasel is pretty fucking awesome…even more awesome in carbonite…and that poster is un-fucking-believable.

  35. It’s pretty funny that the “motherfucking” souffle apron is rated PG-13 and is available in kids sizes.

  36. That would be a real swell faux painting of you in the old tyme general’s uniform if it weren’t for the KNIGHT’S CROSS medal at the neck. You did know HITLER gave those to his bestest soldiers, right? (All the coolest nazi war criminals wore one)

    [If yo u like, I’m sure I can photoshop a Hello Kitty head or smiley face over it for you.]

  37. This is so funny and cute! That rat could walk the runway with those dresses! Lol.

  38. Pretty sure this wrap up is one of my favorites (maybe) God I don’t know I can’t pick!!! OH MY ZOMBIE I DIDN’T STUDY!!!!

    Your successes make me feel better about things! Thanks for being so awesomely demented!

  39. Love, love, LOVE that it’s in a TARDIS!

    Now what I really want to see is Juanita in a fez. Fezzes are cool. (And this will not make sense if you haven’t seen the last 2 episodes of season 5).

  40. Thank you so much for the update on Alice. I have been wondering about her! My little girl isn’t bipolar, but she is ‘spirited’ (read: Asperger’s), and as someone who deals with anxiety/depression already, sometimes parenting her can be difficult. Thanks for passing on her story and giving me hope (even through tears as I type) that if Alice’s mom can do it, I can too.

  41. I think Juanita Weasel needs her own show. A cooking show where she drinks the cooking wine and curses a lot. I would watch that. I guess it would be hard for her to do since she is dead and all. Oh well. I’ll just imagine that she has her own show. Yeah that’ll work.

  42. That is awesome! Like an “I-Spy” game for Bloggess-ites! …or a Where’s Waldo…either way.
    Your next book could be a kids’ picture book: “Where’s Juanita” on every page, or “Where’s Beyonce”, or…

    You rock, in 18 ways.

  43. You know…when I was 38 years old my mother turned to me while having a discussion about the “sex talk” with my younger sister and said…”Honey when I think you need to know about sex I’ll let you know.” Lucky for me I learned it all in the gutter where I learned all those awesome words. Good Luck, God Speed!

  44. Hey! All I have to say is that we found 2 really dead mice in the wall at work & I thought of you! We named them Wally & Eva! I also suggested that we dress them in uniforms & put them on display at work! That didn’t happen.:(

    Nobody wanted to touch them:)

  45. I completely support Juanita for President!
    In the middle of perusing your Juanita page, my husband put on Celebrity Apprentice. I told him that I didn’t want to watch that show, unless it had Juanita on it as one of the contestants. And then I went back to your blog. My husband made a comment abut the show, and I said I don’t know because I’m not watching the show. My husband got upset and said if I didn’t want to watch the show, then I should have just said I didn’t want to watch the show. Yeah, I thought that’s what I did.
    I say Juanita has better hair, hands down! I’d like to see HER fire The Donald.

  46. This post reduced me to tears twice.

    Tears of laughter for Juanita and her cabinet of Bloggess curiosities. Really, who wouldn’t love Juanita, in a red dress, in the Tardis???

    Tears of gratitude for being able to touch the lives of Alice and her mother, if in a very small way. I didn’t even know I was quoted in the new video until I started watching it.

    And Alice, you are rocking that red dress!

  47. Ha, love all the Juanita Meme’s. Super fantastical. Now to make a meme that says: I didn’t win any free Juanita Weasel junk!!! WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME!

    Kidding. Seriously. I’m all photoshopped out from last week.

    The End.

  48. Um… So I had a thought. And, to be fair, I am pretty hyped up on cold meds right now, and I’ve been locked away in my apartment for four days BY MYSELF… so maybe this is only funny to me. But I think the Juanita statue should come in the hands of a Wil Wheaton statue. Maybe with a thought bubble saying KKKHHHHAAAANNNNN!!!!!!!

    Just something to think about. 🙂

  49. Oh man, the Juanita Weasel memes just crack me up. She’s worth every cent you paid for her. 🙂
    The Red Dress stories are equally awesome…in different way.

  50. Dear Bloggess,

    I love you, and I love the humor and joy you bring to my life as a graduate student (I study geography…the human kind, none of that physical shit). My Juanita Weasel algebra poster just arrived and it’s hanging up by my oven so the next time I ruin a soufflé (or anything really), I’ll just have to point at the poster. It’s also about the most complex math I can handle. Thank you.

  51. A SUGGESTION FOR YOUR JUANITA PHOTO SCULPTURE: why not add a speak [or yell] bubble so that we can add an appropriate comment for the situation. A dry erase marker should work on the swell plastic finish. I know you would sell at least 4 since that is how many I would buy.

  52. Rule 32 i hope you sent that to Dr Phil. I wonder how he would respond hmmmm

  53. Whoever created that photoshop version of Dr. Who deserves a medal. It’s amazing! In fact, I’m jealous…I want one too! 🙂

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