Dreams are assholes

I just had a fever dream that I got married to the Graham Cracker heir, so my name was Jenny Graham. We had a baby and decided to name it something weird so it would fit in with all the stars’ names so we called her Apparel Ella.

It was not until 3am that I woke up and realized I named my dream baby Apparel Ella Graham.  It’s like a practical joke I pulled on myself.  Nice one, me.

Ps.  This post only makes sense if you say the name altogether and are into geometry.  Also, being half-asleep and groggy helps.

253 thoughts on “Dreams are assholes

Read comments below or add one.

  1. What’s going on over there, another Twitter ‘friend’ in America is also wide awake? Must be a government conspiracy, something in the air to keep you awake at all hours so that you are to tired to see what they are up to all the time!

  2. Amazingly hilarious! Insomniacs u-ni(gh)t-e! 🙂 I started a new sleep med tonight that’s supposed to knock me out almost instantaneously but I’m still up, ergo, I question this fact stated to me by my lovely doctor. She lied! Oh, well…some things work, some things don’t; what remains the same is that I’m totally in love with your blog and can relate to you OH SO VERY MUCH! Thank you for sharing your stories to let me realize that I am absolutely not alone and that I can be funny again someday! Lots of love from Wisconsin! 🙂

  3. Ha! To be that lucid when I’m AWAKE. That’s one of those words I sometimes have trouble saying, parallelogram. Oh, and suspicious. Anywaaayy …

  4. Jenny! Amazon.co.uk is an asshole and has cancelled my pre-order of your book. Since it has also removed the price indicator, I can only assume it has done this to charge me more for your book than the price I pre-ordered it at. I am caught between being please you will (hopefully?) be making more money, and outraged that those motherfuckers are screwing with my ability to ever become eligible maybe possibly in the future for a bookplate.

    (Several people mentioned that in the last hour. I don’t know if it’s related but I know a UK publisher bought the rights yesterday so they may just be switching you over to the UK edition. I’m asking about it but no one in America is up right now to answer. Rest assured though, there will be a UK version. Sorry about the hassle! ~ Jenny)

  5. haha, wow… dreams are cool at times, i used to solve physics problems in my dreams… but have never told myself a funny in my dreams, so you rock, as per usual 🙂

  6. Haha, my kind of… *day*dream actually! xD I’m not particularly into geometry, neither sleepy nor groggy… is my brain naturally wasted? :p

    Thanks for being, Jenny 🙂
    x

  7. Even your dreams are clever what’s up with that?? My dreams are nothing but an endless carousel of boring crap. Except when I was working in a costume shop 15 hours a day and then coming home and dreaming about sewing. Then I would get up and sew for 15 hours again….but there would be margaritas for lunch at least!

  8. Thanks. Now I’m going to have a nightmare about geometry, which was the only class I nearly failed in high school. So apparently your dreams are assholes to other people, too. Dreams should not have that kind of reach.

  9. Oh my gosh Jenny. You just made my morning. I love nerdy math jokes. Except i guess it’s at your imaginary child’s expense, so…. nah, still funny 🙂

  10. The more I read from you the more i’m convinced that you and my wife are the same person separated at birth.
    Keep up the awesome work!

  11. Future dream birth announcement: Para, Holly, and Anna welcome their hipster baby brother, Insta.

  12. I love play on words and I wish my weird fever dreams had practical jokes in them!

    Normally I get the running in place while trying to run away dream. My therapist says that has meaning, but he never caught up to tell me what it was…

    WG

  13. And when she’s a rebellious teen, she’ll change her name to a symbol, like Prince. But you won’t have to call her anything different. Brilliant.

  14. It took me two tries to get it… I guess I have passed the point of tired and half asleep that’s useful…darn does that mean I get to sleep now?… guess not wheeeeeeeee!

  15. It must be going around. My dreams were royally bizarre last night, but I’m pretty sure it’s just anxiety over a trip I’m taking next week.

  16. I’m glad to know I’m not the only who has dreams that make them say “What the-?” I love your brain, Jenny!! Mine has come up with some strange dreams, but nothing that awesome. Last night I spent all night looking for red sparkly nail polish. Why? No clue. 🙂

  17. That’s genius! I once dreamed that I was looking something up in the phone book and the entry before Entenmann’s Bakery was Edible Orphan. I think my brain was going for oedipal and got derailed. Or I’m crazy.

  18. lol I am so wise I had already read it out loud. Good name!! Thanks for the smile this morning.

  19. Apparel Ella Graham. I like it.
    Perhaps a potential name for a future taxidermied friend?
    Obviously he/she would be an American Apparel wearing hipster who’s really good at math.
    And making s’mores, obviously.

  20. That’s brilliant! My dreams never result in jokes. I usually wake up irrationally annoyed at my husband because of something he did or said in my dream. Last night, he hurt my feelings and DIDN’T APOLOGIZE. Of course, in his dream, I made him come home from London. Why would I do such a thing? Our subconsciouses have unresolved issues. Is there a plural form of subconscious? ‘Cause that doesn’t look right.

  21. My daughter recently realized you’re a nerdfighter….you’re doubly her hero now. I’m not sure what that says about my parenting, but I think I’ll take super awesome mom of the year!

  22. Thanks Jenny – nothing better to start my day than a bunch of geometry and other word jokes. Hope you have no more fever…or if you do, they produce more entertaining dreams!

  23. No matter way to start the day than with a great math joke! And my nerd factor just went up in my husband’s eyes. I’m good with that.

  24. But. I don’t think that dream was an asshole. I think it’s awesome when my brain constructs something intricate and funny in a dream. Trying desperately to find a clean public toilet while being chased by people with guns is just way too literal, and frankly, brain, it’s getting old.

  25. Swear-to-goddess last night I had a dream about you (which I know other commentors have done so honestly I was a bit relieved to have finally hit that milestone, like when you are learning a new language and then dream in that language. You have sufficiently infused yourself into my subconscious).

    I dreamed a whole bunch of us bloggess fans were at the beach and you were encouraging us all to get into the water because we were afraid. Except for me, I couldn’t go in because I had to pee. So you encouraged me to just go right ahead right there and I felt that fabulous release you feel after you really have to go and then finally can. Then I realized I was dreaming, and in a dream you can never actually go pee, because really it’s your body in real life that needs to pee, and if you pee in your dream you must be peeing in real life. But I was definitely peeing in my dream.

    This is when I woke up in a panic worried that I had wet the bed.

    THIS IS WHAT YOU DO TO US, JENNY.

  26. It could’ve been worse. A lot worse. What if dreamt you married a guy named Hymen and named your son Buster? Or married a Hunt and had a son named Michael? See, you got off easy. (Always a plus for a woman)

  27. OMG! I now have a new name for my daughter….Normally we call her Portab-Ella or Cinder-Ella depending on her tude that day!

    Thanks, the old ones were getting old.

  28. And maybe tomorrow night the dream will continue and you’ll have a boy and name him Teddy. Mmmm….. Teddy Grahams…. Damn it, now I’m hungry.

    The end.

  29. Awesome! So many of your posts have made me laugh with tears streaming down my face, but this one – this one is the most ha ha while still able to sit erect and not cry. Thank you so much for sharing. I love all math jokes but don’t actually like geometry because math should NOT have more words than numbers!!! OK, I’m calm now. Thanks for a great start to my morning :-).

  30. I love it when brains do crazy awesome stuff like that. Good job, Jenny’s Brain!

    Oh, and here’s a big ~hug~ from me because I love you, but in a nice, not blog-stalkerish way.

  31. And now you need to name one of your creepy dolls after your dream child. And give her parallelogram shaped glasses. And a cape.

  32. Ha! That’s awesome. I used to have nightmares that I was trapped in a never ending game of Sudoku. Your nerdy dreams are way better than that.

  33. You stole my future baby’s name. I mean, after I convince my husband to change our last name to Graham. Still, I’m not sure I can forgive.

    Also, dream you is smarter than awake me.

  34. True story – Graham crackers were developed during the Victorian era by Dr. Graham and were part of a whole suite of foods that were designed to curtail nocturnal emissions (which people then believed led to madness). The Graham cracker is the sole remaining item from Dr. Grahams medicinal food line.

    Sorry – have been hanging on to that nugget since grad school and couldn’t pass up on the chance to throw it out there 😉

  35. THAT WAS AWESOME!!! I got it right away and cried laughing! It is no nice to know that I am not the only one with weird dreams. A weeks or two ago I dreamed my daughters boyfriends father asked me out on a date.

    TOO STRANGE FOR WORDS. But wait it gets better. She told her boyfriend about the dream, and the boyfriend replied, “Your mom is cool so that would be okay” SERIOUSLY you get how that is too strange right, but I guess teenage brains don’t think through what they say very quickly.

  36. took me a second, then i almost choked on my muffin. your dream brain my be even more creative than your awake brain. and that’s saying something!

  37. Really not a bad name, considering. Although, you realise naming your kid a math joke would practically guarantee that she’d hate math. Maybe you should go with a stripper name instead. “Introducing, for the first time, the President of the United States – Ms. Bambi X-Stacey Lawson!”

  38. I had a dream once that I got some baby chicks, and as they were roaming around on the floor I asked the chicken expert (because why wouldn’t there be a chicken expert) what I should name them. She said, “Name them One, Two, and Three… then they can be your little Roamin’ Numerals!”

    Apparently my subconscious isn’t as clever as yours.

  39. I suspect it would also help to have a Texas accent when saying that e.g. “an owrnse eys abahrt 28 grahams”, or something like that!

  40. I didn’t think it was possible to love you more than I did already, but Voila! you’ve made it possible. Bad nerd puns IN YOUR SLEEP? Brilliant! Also thanks to the commenters above for the Holly and Anna suggestions. I wasn’t able to read every comment, did anyone else say Telly for a boy?

  41. How very clever of your unconscious mind! I’m also half-asleep and groggy, so anything clever coming up in this comment is probably not going come up. But that’s okay, I guess. The most clever thing I’ve dreamed up is going to prom on a giraffe-sized bicycle.

  42. This is wonderful for the first thing I’ve read this morning. You named your child after a shape. I love it. I had a dream that I was being suffocated and woke up not able to breath. Not nearly as fun.

  43. There is a legal case from Arkansas about whether a kid named (wait for it) “Weather’by Dot Com Chanel Fourcast Shepherd” should have his name legally changed to “Samuel Charles.” It’s amazing, and it’s 100% real. Skip to the part that starts “Olly Neal, Judge.”

    The best part is where the Judge says to the mom: “I want you to think about what he’s going to be – – what his life is going to be like when he enters the first grade and has to fill out all [the] paperwork where you fill out – – this little kid fills out his last name and his first name and his middle name, okay? So I just want – – if your answer to that is yes. . . ”

    Here’s the link: https://courts.arkansas.gov/opinions/2004a/20040407/ca03-454.html

  44. Your dreams might be assholes, but they’re genius assholes. Parallelogram! *snicker*
    At least you didn’t name her Crypt O Graham.

  45. I have serious dream envy right now. That’s even better than giving your kid a palindromic name!

  46. I love it! And yes, I’m one of those geeky dreamers too! My worst nightmare, though, was dreaming I was getting married and the alter started to wobble. Then I realized that I’d forgotten to find our wedding rings so I went to Wal-Mart to get replacement ones while the guys fixed the alter. When I got to the jewerly counter, there was a crowd everywhere trying to check out and complaining about milk being $12 a gallon! I was so freaked about milk being $12 a gallon that it woke me up.

  47. When I was in junior high school I had a dream that our group of friends went to Flushing Meadow Park in Queens, NYC to have a picnic, which often happened in real life. At the time, I was going through a rough patch. In my dream, we had a water fight and my friend gave me a towel to dry myself off. When I woke up, I had a sudden flash that in the dream she meant to tell me “Don’t throw in the towel.” And I laughed all day.

  48. I’m sorry you had a fever but at least you had a funny dream! My fever dreams tend to be awful nightmares. Graham cracker heir sounds like an awesome name for a band.

  49. I once dreamed I threw an actual baby out with the bathwater. My subconscious is hella heavy handed with the metaphors and also really mean 😐

  50. A Paralellogram. I love it. And, yes, I had to use google to make sure I spelled that correctly. I am proud to say I got it on the first try! (and, yes, dreams are a-holes. yesterday I had a dream that I was a victim of home invasion – I woke up so tense it was crazy!)

  51. I laughed out loud the first time I read it, I am still laughing, and will probably be laughing about this all day. That might make work tonight a little awkward. Thank you Bloggess, I think you just made my decade.

  52. I have night terrors sometimes, which means I see things in a sort of awake state and think they’re really there. It happens when I’m really stressed. Usually it’s spiders crawling somewhere, but for some reason this time it was half an egg shell sitting on my knee. My husband heard my usual yell and came in to find out what was wrong. After ascertaining that the egg shell was nowhere to be found, I fell back asleep, but the fun doesn’t stop there.

    He said to me, “Heroes in a half shell.”
    To which I groggily replied, “Turtle power.”

    Sometimes night terrors can bring fun and joy to everybody! Especially my husband.

  53. Someone told me the story of sleeping in a “haunted” house where a man named Mister Crist had died. They woke in the middle of the night to see his ghost walking through the room. It tipped it’s hat, and faded through the wall. The viewer woke her husband with her laughing. Upon explaining the vision, she said she was scared at first, until she realized, “The ghost of Crist must pass.”

  54. That is SO AWESOME! And yes, dreams are assholes. Last night I dreamed that you turned me into a cartoon on your website. Pretty weird, cause I don’t even have a cat!

  55. I think in your shop you need to start carrying monitor wipes on account of the spewing of coffee and/or wine slushy you create.

  56. Your dream-brain creates geometry puns. Mine just gives me the “OMG! I’m late for class!” and “OMG, where’s my clothes!?!” kind of dreams. Your dream brain is full of awesome. Mine is just an asshole.

  57. I’m currently on lots of drugs right now for an infected tooth. You made me laugh so hard I had to take another pain pill. Bless You.

  58. Apparently a lot of people don’t like geometry… what a shame… but not a surprise… either way, *I* thought this was very clever and funny.

  59. Hey Miss Jenny;

    I’ve been a reader/lurker for a year now and I just wanted to say I really appreciate your blog, especially posts like this one. I was extremely happy to purchase your book and cannot wait for it to arrive. You’re wonderful, and have sent my fiance and I into fits of laughter more than once, as we have similarly dark humor. I’d love to say more but I’m likely going to be buried underneath all the comments as it is 😛

    Please stay on the internets forever!! xo.

    -Kait.

  60. That’s funny! I just had my first zombie apocolypse dream the other night. I am proud to say that not only did I survive but I found the cure!

  61. Ha, I do love a good play on words. Needed a hoot after a day slaving over starting my first ever meme, why I chose to do it on a serious issue, rather than something light and fun I’ll never know – oh yes I do, it is because it needed to be done. Anyway, nuff said, you made me smile and for that I thank you!

  62. this is why everyone should have a dream notebook they keep by the side of their bed, just waiting for moments like this that must.be.recorded.

  63. dreams are so bizarre…. most of mine don’t make any lick of sense the next day. At least yours is funny…. I’m still laughing.

  64. Funny. I “got it” about one second before I read the tutorial at the end. Dreams can be assholes, but geometry is definitely an asshole.

  65. I don’t necessarily need to marry the Graham cracker heir since he’s all yours now, but I would like to have an affair with him while you’re out of town.

  66. I once dated the heir to the Benson and Hedges fortune. And by heir I mean, she was the grandaughter of Benson. . . or Hedges and in no way in line for any money at all. But she was cute. . . except for all the smoking.

  67. Am I the only person would kept talking to myself louder and louder “Apparel Ella Graham” while leaning closer and closer to my computer screen ,and then read the PS?

  68. I’m neither half asleep or groggy and I thought it was funny. I wish I had dreams that I could remember, or maybe I don’t.
    Anyway, I have been reading your blog for a while, ironically it began with Beyonce. Yesterday, I received my second issue of, my newly subscribed, Ladies’ Home Journal. In this issue, page 82, is you and Victor and towels and Laura and Beyonce. I was so happy to reread the funny, funny tale of an how an argument over towels lead to a phenomenon of giant metal chicken proportions. Congrats, Jenny you have suburban street cred. Not that you didn’t already.

  69. And, a brother: Attila.

    BTW- Parallelgram is one of my favorite words, just ’cause its fun to say. All the “l” sounds!

  70. Jenny, You are dreaming about math. Get help immediately.

    P.S. Only a brilliant wizard could come up with a name that homophones parallelogram, so you have that going for you.

  71. Impressive!
    I just wake up talking in gobbledegook which is easier said than spelled. Then laughing. luckily the cat doesn’t understand…
    brilliant blog, keep it up.
    Jennifer
    ps stole your juanita pic to leave a link on another blog. not that you care.

  72. Okay, I feel like a dork. I didn’t get the connection until the very end. When someone says graham crackers, my mind immediately rushes to s’mores. Then my mind turns mushy as I imagine the goodness that is marshmallow/chocolate/graham cracker. I need to find a camp fire.

  73. That has to be some sign of genius. I dreamt that I had picked up ballet tights at Target – now, you could call that a premonition, or a sixth sense, since I got them today, but really, let’s be honest: it was a low-grade anxiety dream…

  74. Should I be proud or embarrassed that I “got it” before you even explained that I had to say it all together? Probably. But I don’t care. I think we should have a DNA test…I’m pretty sure we’re related somehow. Love, your long-lost sister, CARM

  75. That was funny even though I’m wide awake. I AM however suffering from insomnia. Victor could be Victor Ola Crank….or…something.

  76. So, I didn’t get it til I read the comments.
    Then I said it in an American accent and it all made sense.
    Damn my awesome Aussie accent! 😉

  77. Beats the dream I had about a month ago that I had won superbowl tickets and clenched my jaw so tight that I shattered all my teeth and kept spitting out tooth fragments and every time I moved my tongue I found MORE fragments and MORE TEETH kept falling out until my husband asked me to take a walk with him in the back yard so that he could tell me, “I think it’s time we parted ways.” then handed over a letter detailing how he’d pay child support and give me enough money to pay the mortgage on the house. All I could do is look at him with that expressionless, toothless, hollow mouthed stare. WAY TO KICK A GIRL WHEN SHE’S DOWN ASSHOLE. I still can’t look him in the eye.

  78. I plan to name my next girl kid Ellen Minnow Pea.

    Which may only be funny if you are an early childhood educator. Or if you know the alphabet.

  79. Awesome! Better than my dream of tear gas bombs disguised as peaches being thrown at me, while plotting with the others how we will rise up and rebel against the invaders by joining the march well knowing we will separate and turn against our oppressors, then I woke up. I like your dreams better.

  80. Oh mah gawd, I literally loled after I read it out loud. That doesn’t happen often, but shows why I read this blog!

  81. Not only is this absolutely freaking hilarious, but I had a dream last night that they made the blogess into a TV show. Way not cool 🙁

  82. I’m an 8th grade math teacher and you just made my day! I hope you don’t mind, I think Apparel Ella Graham might just show up as the star of a word problem in the future. And by future I’m thinking tomorrow. The kids would secretly love it. And by secretly I mean groan loudly about how corny it is while rushing to explain it to their friends. And because I just have to share, I had a whole conversation about with some kids about Doctor Who today and how I wanted to buy a Tardis for my desk, and that they sell cardboard life-sized ones, but it probably would take up too much room in my classroom. My classroom is going to become a Nerdvana!

  83. I recently had a dream about a hamster I named Princess Stinky the Grouch. When I told my boyfriend this, the name made him laugh so hard it brought tears to his eyes. He couldn’t imagine why a grown woman’s brain would come up with a name like that. After three years, I finally have proof he doesn’t know me at all.

  84. Is that like a parallel universe? OMG you had a baby in a parallel universe!

    I need food. And sleep. I need my kids to sleep. Never mind, I’ll go now.

  85. That is so great. I read it out loud to my sister in law and she got it before I even said her name all together. Your sub-conscience is a funny woman.

  86. Wow…I’m ashamed.

    I have always completely sucked at anything math-y…and literally had to go back and say it out loud after your PS instructions.

    I’m sure my momma is proud.

  87. And Apparel’s twin, Tela. When people want their attention, or to greet them, they call “Holla, Graham!”

  88. Last night I dreamed I woke up to a bunch of aliens bathing in my room. Like it was some sort of fucking bath house. I just laid really still so they wouldn’t ask me to join them. But those assholes kept me up all night and my day was shot. Fucking aliens. No god damn manners.

  89. Naw, that would actually be a cute name in the world of Harper Sevens and Apples.

    My fever dream was that we had a spare shower we didn’t use for about a day, and when I went to use it, the floor was covered in a smorgasbord of frogs, lizards, even a couple of cane toads that the cat had caught (cane toads haven’t spread this far south though).

    …You know, in case you were really bored and wanted to hear other people’s weird dreams, like the one where they walk into your house after somebody else has broken the glass…

  90. You know, geometry jokes are among my favorites. Right along with linear algebra jokes. Unfortunately, I usually have to explain the punchline: Keanu Reeves…Matrix…get it?

  91. Please don’t mention geometry. I just started to recover from the panic attack I was having at my sons, soon to be high school, during cirriculum information night. Did you know they let them start drivers ed at 14yrs old noW!!!!! I have handled every aspect of my sons growing very well, until now. Now I need xanax, and probably some wine. Also, I should probably start with therapy and save alcohol and drugs as a last resort.

  92. You should know, being half asleep and groggy doesn’t help. I felt like I was playing that game that had those stupid commercials where everyone was sounding out “Imaluvmasheen” or that other game from junior high when you hold your tongue and say “I was born on a pirate ship”. Not un-fun just more difficult to figure out than I feel was justifable on my part is all.

  93. I had a dream about Nathan Fillion last night. I dreamed I ran into him at the mall and tried to talk him ino making a picture holding twine and/or an arm full of kittens. I wasted a Fillion dream on twine!!! I blame you for this.
    Also, my daughter had a dream this week that aliens abducted Fozie Bear, disected him, and turned him into a cartoon robot version of himself. I am so proud! She asked me, “Is it normal to dream about puppets and in animation?” I replied, “Only when you are exceptionally smart.”

  94. Dream states, “What will be will be.” This came to me in a dream on a take home exam in biology on protein synthesis, was allowed one unknown factor. So I plugged (or is that pluged) in a feedback mechanism to stop DNA transcription with a clipped off section of the RNA. The professor gave me a C-, saying that wouldn’t work. Well 25+ years later they found my unknown factor MiRNA…Well it’s No Bell for me tolling.
    Now I think I’ll go dunk some graham crackers in milk…ahhhh the memories.

  95. Jenny, the title…I think you have your dreams mixed up with my boss. Don’t worry I won’t tell Victor.

  96. I had one dream where I was partying with the Kardashians & stole Kim’s phone, and another where I was roommates with Julianne Hough. I wish I dreamed about geometry & graham crackers.

  97. As a Geometry teacher, I applaud all Geometry humor. When my students complain about how cold my room is, I simply send them to stand in the corner. If they don’t get it, I comment on how that’s ninety degrees. Apparel Ella would be totally non-non-plussed.

  98. Apparel Ella, meet the rest of your siblings: Ana, Angie O., Millie, and Son O. And you, Miss Jenny, are PRO!

  99. I’m not half asleep and groggy, but I have had half a bottle of wine… Laughed out loud (well, kinda out loud; my son is sleeping) Parallelogram. Love it. My dad almost named one of my sisters Amanda Lynne (a mandolin… yeah…) and he wasn’t dreaming, half-asleep, groggy, or drinking. Thank god for my mom’s veto power!

  100. I actually know a Jenny Graham. Only, she’s Jennie Graham, which is different. But, it made me mile. 🙂

  101. I love math and numbers, and I just burst out laughing at this one…just like I do with all of your posts. But I loved this one because more my style of humor.

    I don’t use foul language, but your writing is so hilarious, it almost makes me want to start.

  102. My sister has crazy dreams like that pretty often. My favorite is the one where she apparently had a condition that caused her to fart out fully inflated latex gloves. The medical term was Flatulatexitis.

  103. Hmmm…

    This reminds me documentary on dreams I saw once.

    A young lady was asleep in a lab and the folks studying her said the name “Robert” (the name of an ex-boyfriend of hers) as she slept.

    She awoke and reported dreaming about a rabbit.

    Further tests suggested that the sleeping brain is both a little deaf and prone to puns. And susceptible to suggestion.

    You may need to watch Victor for suspiciously geometric behaviour.

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