UPDATED: Those are fighting words, internet

A few times I year I checkout Alexa to see what’s bringing people to this blog.

This is what I found today:

 Really, internet?  That is both terrifically insulting and also just plain wrong.

You spell my name with two G’s.


Updated:  It occurs to me that many of you are new and might not understand why people would even be searching for that.  No worries.  There’s a simple, rational answer to all of this, really.  It’s because I used to be on meth.  The good kind.

UPDATED X 2:  I just noticed that this month there’s been a fairly significant decrease in people googling “douche bag” and then being pointed to my blog.


162 thoughts on “UPDATED: Those are fighting words, internet

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Well the “Blogess” is hooked on meth cuz she can’t handle that you’re so much more awesome than her.

  2. I think Id rather have people searching my site for douche bag than “my uncle sucking my old aunts boobs” as has been the case recently.

  3. How the hell has James Garfield fallen so far? Copernicus is doing way too much damage!

  4. It’s amazing to see how many people can’t spell “bloggess”—and it’s on the rise! Personally, I liked “not fuckin’ awesome but feeling better”—I’m going to go Google it, and I hope to find you there!

  5. You’d be surprised how many people are being driven to your website by the phrase “you’d be surprised how”, that’s why “that’s why” is so popular as well. These people are looking for answers. Have fun with the meth! I hear it’s one hell of a drug.

  6. I also love that “put a bird on it” draws people to your site, but you better watch out for those Portlandia folks! 🙂

  7. More Meth than James Garfield….

    …wow, that is a very nice sentence. I’m gonna leave it.

    Stats are fun! Thanks for sharing!

  8. Sometimes I think I should just post my search stats instead of actually writing anything. More entertaining and less work for me. Hmmm…that’s actually a pretty good idea. Laziness triumphs over substance on the Internets once again. 🙂

  9. Love how the ‘blogess hooked on meth’ is the same percentage of ‘wil wheaton nathan fillion bloggess.’ That has to be a win and possible even award worthy.

  10. Also, with all your metal chickens and stuffed weasels, it appears James Garfield has taken a back seat in your little world.

    Beware of retribution from stuffed boar heads, Bloggess. It comes fast and quick. Like someone hooked on meth.

  11. Seriously? People shouldn’t even be allowed to find you if they can’t even spell your name. It’s also SLIGHTLY upsetting that it says “Wil Wheaton Nathon Fillion Bloggess” instead of “Bloggess Wil Wheaton Nathon Fillion.” Really people, have you no search engine priorities???

  12. I love to look at the queries on mine, too. People are freaks. My favorite so far: “ass-sniffing perverts” Hell yeah!

  13. My day had been tragically missing both humor and meth until now.

    I knew I could count on you.

    (For the humor that is, you’ve never sent me meth.)

    (Not that I blame you, I mean, we’ve never even met.)

    (And not that I’m hinting.)

    (Though I certainly wouldn’t reject your meth, were you to send it to me.)

    (Is all I’m saying.)

  14. Just wanted to say I love your blogs and am getting your book. We need MORE people just like you. Not only do you bring humor into my life, but seriousness when it is needed too. I applaud you and think you deserve many awards!

  15. I had a silly DR prescribe me “methyldopa” ..needless to say I didnt take it! Lol! Meth and dope in the same word doesn’t sound healthy!! Bhahaha!

  16. If it makes you feel any better, a few people found my blog by searching “Bitch i know you ate the last piece of chicken.” Being a vegetarian, I find this highly offensive and prefer the people who found my blog by searching, “Trust me, I’m a squirrel doctor wearing a thong” and “it’s not my job to blow sunshine up your ass.”


  17. WOW- you lead an enitre group of people (or at least 0.34% of your audience) to know the meaning of life, which is the only reason they would be searching for “That’s Why.” Although I do think more people should put a bird on it (to the tune of Squirrel Nut Zippers of course) and just be happy and stop asking so many questions…

    Glad you aren’t addicted to meth. Or buttering and burning spoons like a redneck s’more.

  18. So I am pretty sure that the best part of your offense is the two “G’s” part! I don’t like it when people add a “G” to my name.

    I am sorry they keep stealing your G and giving it to me! I really don’t want your G!

  19. Hmmm…
    Who’s this Blogess woman and why is she trying to divert your internet traffic?! (She’s probably doing it to fuel her meth habit.)
    …Have you tried sueing her?

  20. I have a love/hate relationship with looking at my site stats. The strange crap people google to get to my blog just baffles the mind.

    They’re the crazy ones – not me. Never.

  21. Beats the search term so many people find my blog with — “porno drugs”. But not my own porno drugs (sadly). It was a post about Charlie Sheen. #sortofwinning

  22. Mine top search term is an image search for grasshopper. 90% of this traffic comes from overseas–especially the Middle East. Interestingly, this all points to a post that also references ‘full frontal nudity’ which may have something to do with it’s popularity.

  23. So based on your comments:

    “Really, internet? That is both terrifically insulting and also just plain wrong.
    You spell my name with two G’s.”

    I have but one thing to say… at least google can find you no matter how spelling deficient your fans may be!!

  24. Sweet “wolf suit” search results. I’m jealous, I admit it.

    I get very strange search results for all sorts of nude movie stars, but sometimes for nude me. At first I thought the search results were for the singer Stacia or the Stacia who writes internet porn, but recently some searches have used my last name as well, which leaves little room for speculation.

  25. There’s a good meth? Well I just learned something new today.

    My top search word for my blog is ‘Fuck off’. No, really, it is.

  26. Plain n’ simple: you are made of awesome, no matter how people find you.

    (For the record, my ex-boyfriend fought with me for about 4 months about getting a Beyonce. For Christmas, I got a Beyonce. I considered this a huge feat toward womankind. I put her in my garage, because I live in a Nazi-like apartment complex where outdoor decor is intolerable. He then proceeded to break up with me, oh, 3 times, and each time I want to throw Beyonce through his window just to reiterate MY point ((she’s durable, afterall)) but I don’t…and I still have her front-n-center and I just want to tell you very sincerely that each day I see her, I smile with a certain silent smugness.)

  27. Those are some fine searches, Jenny. Though the spelling mistakes are concerning… You apparently have a large following of illiterate readers. Which makes me wonder at my own abilities. I mean, my overusage of ellipses and commas is well known to me, but I always thought I was a decent speller.

    DAMNIT. The word “overusage” is squiggly underlined. Have I been misspelling it all my life? But the word “squiggly” is, apparently, spelled properly. This sucks.

    I am surprised that you don’t have more zombie searches, personally.

  28. I’m totally starting a site call “the blogess” now, since I won’t have to do any of that silly SEO crap. I can just steal your diverted traffic. 🙂

    Have you heard there’s a meth shortage? (Your meth, that is. The other kind of meth is going full steam, especially where I live)

  29. Does the fact that you are more popular in El Salvador than the United States have anything to do with meth? Or is it because they make metal chickens there?

  30. HA! One of my top search terms for my prose-spective blog is: “grandmas in tight skirts and heels”. Yah. I’m only 30. And for my weight loss blog, the top search is: “108 lbs tummy tuck”, a procedure I’ve never had.

  31. Going to try actually posting this comment on the correct post:
    Hmm.. I just checked Alexa and two of my top search terms are actually related to YOU.

    The Bloggess Tshirts was at 15.64% and ‘plese stand by for a demonstration on relevance’ was 2.69%

  32. For a while there, “nice little penis” was in the top ten searches that led people to my blog. I’m pretty sure I never used those exact words. “Neurotic woman” is usually up there too, but that one, I totally get.

  33. I can’t believe most people don’t just have you as their home page! Who doesn’t want to start the day with a little Juanita weasel!

  34. You’ll be disappointed when it drops off the list.

    My all time best search term week was.
    “how do you buy a dead baby on the Internet”
    “how to abort a late term fetus”
    “causeing still birth”

    Reality was far less exciting of why.

  35. I’m happy for you! It’s a good day when your ‘douche bag’ click throughs are on the decline. That being said, I would take ‘douche bag’ over ‘photographs of the tooth fairy’ any day. When did I ever promise you people photos of the tooth fairy?

  36. Search terms are such fun. Some of my blog’s favorites include:
    “cute girl wearing string and sit on the bed” (what were you looking for, sir?)
    “enormous breasts”
    “am i single for a reason” (if you’re googling it, then yes)
    and of course… “pizza thong”

  37. You know, if you add a few words you get quite the story.

    “You’d be surprized how metal chicken Jenny”, the “blogess”, is “hooked on meth”: “Wil Wheaton”, “Nathon Fillion”, and the “Bloggess”. “That’s why bloggess wolf suit”(“not fuckin’ awesome but feeling better)”! “Bloggess monkey” and “the bloggess Beyonce” are awesome!

    So I added a few words in there at the end, and I’m sure my grammer & punctuation aren’t awesome, but I enjoy it.

    The End

  38. I keep getting one guy (I’ve mentally named him Heinrich, for no sensible reason) who ends up on my blog after asking ‘why is cat zombie’. Seriously Heinrich, the real question is ‘how much can I get on eBay for cat that is zombie’. I’d pay serious money for cat that is zombie.

  39. I’m still befuddled by the search terms recently used to find my blog: “gardener also has to stuff horny vagina.” I am a (non-professional) gardener, I’m dating a (also non-professional) gardener, I have a vagina, and it still occasionally gets horny, but up to this point I hadn’t ever written about any of this, except that “gardener” is part of the name of my blog. The good thing is that since I’ve written about this on my blog, I have increased my traffic ever so slightly, though it’s mostly from porn searches. In China. I’m sure they’re gravely disappointed when they come to my blog. All I talk about is the state of television and my ineptitude on Twitter. Not very sexy.

  40. SO funny! I thought is said, “Hooked on math” – which I thought was like “hooked on phonics” because of the whole Jaunita thing….Silly Me. Meth…SO much more fun to be hooked on meth than being hooked on math! You probably wouldn’t be nearly as funny if you were hooked on math….

  41. Have you tried Enbrel for your RA? Changed my husbands life. Pain free in less than a week and so far after over 2 years it’s still working like a miracle.

  42. I long for the days when my search term bingo is as interesting. Mine right now is:

    goth ageism
    barbies on fire
    red and black horse
    lo there do i see

    Wait. On second thought, maybe mine is pretty interesting! ;D

    Glad you kicked the methylprednisone. I know how difficult kicking that steroid habit can be. Also? I am sure that you now have an army of shiny robo-tigers designed to kick misspelling searcher butt.


    Can’t wait ’til you get into town. I will be the one standing with a large group of introverts near the back of the venue.

  43. I am more interested in the “not fucking awesome but feeling better”…REALLY? WHO THE FUCK SAYS YOU AREN’T AWESOME?!?!

    I’d be running that IP.

  44. I would comment on how many people can’t spell ‘bloggess’ but I’ll admit that I’m probably one of the top offenders. I blame the medication.

  45. Well, at least the traffic didn’t point out that you tried to sell pootnanny for weed. It could of been much worse….the search topic could of been “Bloggess sell her vagina for Weed”! I bet twatter (I mean, twitter) could of had a field day with that one.

  46. “You’d be surprised how” a “Metal Chicken” got “Jenny” the “blogess hooked on meth.” 😉 LOVE IT.

  47. Wow. That is awesome. Especially because I went back and read about the meth incident.
    I am totally the same when people mis-spell my name. “That’s not me!”

  48. I was pretty stoked the day I was looking at my stats and saw “fuck me aunt agnes” as a search term that had led to my blog. 😀

  49. Oh goodie, I’m not the only person who blogs and then checks out how people search and find her blog! My husband was really disturbed when he saw “son 18 years fucking mom” in my latest stats. I thought it was hilarious, because if that’s what someone is looking for when they come to my blog, boy are they going to be bored!!

    You should find a way to redirect anyone who searches for your blog by spelling it with one “g”, to a photo of Juanita “It’s Bloggess with 2 G’s”!

  50. You’d be surprised how many metal chickens Jenny’s gotten hooked on meth. Whil Wheaton, and Nathan Filion have set out to capture the blogess for her crimes against metal chickens, and that’s why the bloggess has started wearing a wolf suit. In an exclusive interview, one metal chicken describes his current condition as not fuckin’ awesome, but feeling better. Bloggess’ monkey declined to comment, but looked strung out as all hell. Bloggess’ best friend, Beyonce, said that she’s never tried meth, but thinks that she would like it cuz it really has a ring to it.

  51. I never heard the term “douche canoe” until I read it in one of your columns. Jenny, your blog is so informational. About the meth addiction, you are “SAFE” now, just take it one day at a time. We all support you. Meth is very bad, we love you. Stay clean. Love, Laurie F.

  52. I’ve never even been offered meth before. I feel kind of shitty that people don’t think I’m cool enough to even ask if I’d like to try it. Fucking losers. I’m going to make my own then, and I won’t invite them to the party.

  53. i hadn’t seen the original post about meth. i just read it… at work. big mistake. i’m in tears from laughing so hard. my co-workers think i’m nuts.

  54. Hey, “douche bag” is how I ended up here in the first place. I’ve bookmarked since then, so it’s justified.

    Your are still a lot less creepy than my site on parenting.
    Top Searches
    (not provided)
    father vs vagina
    vagina is better than penis

    What kind of molesters are visiting me?! Gosh

  55. That’s why I couldn’t find you, I spell your name wrong!

    I am new here but with “metal chicken” wolf suit and “monkey” as some of your search words, “meth” didn’t seem strange, lol.


  56. meth is pretty awesome. I went to a Penis park in Korea…as a result I get all sorts of searches about penis to my blog.

  57. Love this! I aspire one day to be the blog that Google points to when people search ‘fuckery fuck face’ and ‘a fatter June Cleaver.’ I’ll get there – one post and one cookies at a time *grin*

  58. People have come to my blog searching “can mold in your home kill u”. I write about my Doberman. I’m not sure where the overlap was. But it didn’t have to do with meth. Or cocaine. Which is probably for the better. I’m not sure I want to live with a coked up Doberman; she’d spend all my money and want to go meet her dealer underneath the train tracks. Then, when we did her intervention, she’d deny it and threaten to cut us.

  59. The nerve of some people!!! I heard you Make meth… Not do it. Every drug dealer knows not to mess with their own stash. Its just not a smart business investment. ;0)

  60. Alright faker, claiming you used to be “on Meth” because you were prescribed legal Methylprognostication pills (imagine if that shit were real!) is a little like me claiming I used to be “on coke” because I once sat on a case of coca-cola at the super market. I’d much rather seduce a female hero and take her to bed so I could claim I was ‘on heroine’!

    I’m pretty sure that makes sense.
    Now If I could only find my meds…

  61. I’m kinda interested that people are Googling “metal chicken” and “bloggess monkey”. I once linked to artwork of the Grim Reaper and it was my most hit post…by people Googling “skulls”. I’m guessing a bunch of 13 year old Goths were way disappointed when they read the post, which had nothing to do with skulls…or death. Bummer.

  62. I should mention that my daughter (8 years old) asked me what a douche bag was.

    Being a good mother, I explained it to her. I sure don’t want her to use a curseword in the wrong form. That’d just be embarassing.

  63. Clearly the people finding my blog by searching “cute sorry face” would be disappointed that my real “sorry” face says, “Sorry, but I *will* cut a bitch.”

  64. This is where I pipe up (for the first time ever, as I am but a lurker) to tell you that you are now blocked from my work laptop. I tried to enter, I got an angry warning screen saying that your site was blocked due to “questionable content” and “gopher porn”.

    Huh. I didn’t think my office even knew what a gopher was.

  65. A decrease in douche bags is ALWAYS a win.

    Unless you need them for something like cleaning out the cat box. Then it’s a draw.

    I don’t think I know what actual douche bags look like. I refuse to google and find out. Some things you just can’t unsee.

  66. Douche bag is a strange one to me. If I remember right, it is douche canoe. DUH people! Incidentally, douche canoe is a fave of mine courtest of your blog <3

  67. Cute Jenny! There’s a Meth-age in there somewhere. I’m sure Juanita is furious though that her name was barely mentioned. I’m pretty sure that it’s not a good idea to fuck with a weasel. So, off to Google to boost Juanita up onto the pedestal that she deserves.

    P.S. A big thank you to those that have gotten me “Hooked on Jenny”! You know who you are-Glitches!

  68. I think it’s a great effort that people are still searching for you on meth! That was 3 years ago! Awesome.
    Ps. Douche canoe is the go-to word in our house. Douche bag is so passé.

  69. Hah! I’m new here! Followed a trail of CommentLuv scraps and landed in the middle of a Juanita-tizzy and something about a ruined souffle.

    The extra “g” seems like a major faux pas, but then again maybe the meth did too. Hell with it yo, traffic looks great in here!

  70. All of my recent search terms are related to Nathan Fillion, Juanita weasel, and Simon Pegg. Seriously, Juanita Day is the meme that keeps on giving.

  71. they are just trying to tell you that you are so awesome you have to be on meth, because nobody can be as good as you without some drug

  72. I found your blog purely by accident through a comment on my blog. I’m still trying to take it all in. I am in North Texas where the wind comes sweeping down from Plano. Just gonna tour around here a bit if that’s okay. New to blogging so still have eastern blocks of rambling posts, but it’s getting better. Would like more comments…haven’t quite got my likability quotient to the stellar level of The Bloggess. (I curtsied when I wrote that.) What a great discovery! Yeah me. ( I mean you.)

  73. I truly hate it when I see you spelled wrong. I am not surprised Beyonce is near the top. I’m not going to touch the meth. I’m not going to touch the meth.

  74. I was in rehab with a girl who was a meth head (her words) and she ended up homeless and was way, way too skinny before she got clean and developed quite a lot of gnarly dental problems. I don’t recommend it. Oh and she was a hooker. You can do that but only if I get a cut. Of the money, not the drugs or the pootnanny.

  75. You know when the post is this small, and you pick the two best items, we are left to comment on the inability of some to spell bloggess…


  76. Wow, I just traveled back in time and read the list of meth names. How in the world do drug deals go down in under 20 minutes?!
    Gimme some crystal.
    You mean the dope?
    No, the pootananny.
    The what now? I got some smack, you want that?
    Sure. That and throw in a gram of tubbytoast.

  77. Ha! My stats are about 50 different version of the search query “mistake”. I just hope people don’t think they’ve made one once they start reading!

  78. I have something else to add. People are saying some pretty horrible things about me. But that’s cool. ‘Cause it’s all true.

  79. Completely off topic, I just checked the library listing/request dealie on line. There are now THREE of us here in River City who are Bloggess fans and chronically poor. Nice, I have a tribe. Locally.

    Oh, right. This is the witchy Julie. I keep forgetting to mention that part.

    Back to the archives.
    (By the by, Good Mom/Bad Mom is not so easy to navigate as here when it comes to reading shit in order. I hope the last one is better. But it won’t matter, I’ll get through all of them. No choice really. You understand.)

  80. I’m so jelly of your amazing search terms. They are seriously impressive. I mean, bloggess beyonce? Metal chicken? Awesome! Blogger informs me that the only search term used to find my blog so far is “rheumatoid is a funny word blog” which is not very inventive or very fun. It might, in fact, be indicative of the sort of blog that I author. Oh well. We can’t all be as fantastic as you are.

    P.S. – Funny story about RA meds. My boyfriend helps me with my methotrexate injections every week. One week, in front of not only our roommate, but also our landlady, he goes, “OH! We really need to do your meth today!” Mmm. Good choice of words there, boyfriend.

  81. The somewhat amazing thing is that people can apparently spell Nathan Fillion right, but can’t get “The Bloggess” right. I find that disturbing.

  82. Lovely. I am always disturbed to see what search terms show up for my blog. Unfortunately, I am thinking that if I want more traffic I might have to sprinkle in some more.

  83. HOW could anyone make that mistake? Clearly there are two “g’s” in Bloggess…just as there are two “d’s” in Goddess.

  84. What no weasel searches? I’m perplexed. For reals. I’m too white to say “For reals”, but you don’t know that because it’s the internet. And the fact that I just said that. Dammit. . .

  85. Now you have me wondering what kind of searches are done for us! Where do you go to find out? I’m curious! Pls let me know…

  86. I think I’m the one that caused the one month increase in searches for the phrase “metal chicken.” I think I’d better stop walking around the office saying “knock knock, motherfucker.” It is scaring my employees.

  87. It’s nice that people are searching “douche bags” less (and then finding your website) these days. Congrats! Can your book come out already please?

  88. I think I am the one that pushed the search for metal chicken to its marvelous heights. I keep walking around my office saying “knock knock, motherfucker.” I think I am scaring my employees….

  89. Someone found my blog last week by googling “window in a cow”. . .of which there are none in my blog. Windows, that is. Or cows. My blog was, however, mentioned in a tweet by Nathan Fillion last week. On that note, I shall die happy — Huzzah!

  90. I just laughed my ass off on that meth post. I was laughing so hard I couldn’t even read it.

  91. Because my blog is called Shit My Vagina Says, you can well imagine the search terms. Sometimes it makes me laugh so hard I pee a little. But then that happens a lot anyway. Love the post. LMAO!

  92. It’s insulting to see that people misspelling your name so much! (Apparently my mind is actually standing at ‘insluting’ – whatever that is – because I typed that instead of insult. Ha.)

  93. It can’t be as weird as getting 12 hits by people from a Cross Dressing forum in italy.
    That’s how some people found my blog this weekend *facepalm*

  94. So…because of the chem I’m taking this semester, I’m going to tell you that you weren’t on meth or a meth derivative. “Methyl” is the name for any organic chemical with a branch on the molecule that is CH3 (“meth-” is the greek-derived IUPAC-created prefix meaning “one”, and in organic chem refers to the presence of one carbon in a group. Eth- is two, prop- is 3, but- is 4, and so on.). Or, in the case of just Methyl by itself, CH4. Tacked onto something else, CH3 is called a Methyl group and that’s why meth has the name that it does…it has a methyl group or two sticking off the molecule. The long ass correct name for Meth is probably something similar to Methyl-1-phenyl propane-2-amine. The long ass correct name for your drug is 6S,8S,9S,10R,11S,13S,14S,17R)-11,17-dihydroxy-17-(2-hydroxyacetyl)-6,10,13-trimethyl-7,8,9,11,12,14,15,16-octahydro-6H-cyclopenta[a]phenanthren-3-one. It has 3 methyl groups, hence the shared name. Won’t lie, I had to look that one up cause it was a bit above my naming capabilities.

    …yeah…I had an organic chem test yesterday and I have it on the brain. x.x You can, however, tell people you were on steroids. 🙂

  95. Good ole search terms. I have a scary number coming to my blog looking for ‘big fanny’ – and that is even worse for me being that I am a Brit, living in Britain, where fanny means the front bit not the back bit (on women… mainly). It’s all thanks to a post I did ages ago called ‘The Big Fanny Issue’ about the fact none of us ever seem to call them (the front ones, on women) by their real names and so our children end up with a whole array of different names for their nethers. Not sure I like being found by people searching for ‘big fanny’, but then I really like the name of the old blog post.

  96. I seriously love you. Totally. Aaannnd, I’m not even gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Ok. Shutting up now….

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