And that’s how you know you’re in Texas:
PS. My hat’s off to the kids of this town, who are either very respectful or are running much lower on white-out and imagination than I am:
And since it’s Sunday it’s time for the weekly wrap-up:
What you missed on Ill-Advised:
What you missed on the Houston Chronicle:
What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):
What you missed on the internets:
This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:
This week’s wrap-up sponsored by Aunt Carla’s Boosh, which sounds like some sort of weird p0rn video, but is actually an oddly named comfort food of Old World Portuguese/European origin. Or perhaps the people at Aunt Carla’s are just fucking with us. Regardless, they will mail you a booshwurst sausage that that will keep you from ever turning vegan. It’s like magic. Check them out.
135 thoughts on “And that’s how you know you’re in Texas”
Read comments below or add one.
Wait…what the hell makes a ditch historic?
Haahahahhaa…best sign I’ve seen in awhile.
So, it’s like a perp walk, only she doesn’t care what you think of her?
Awesome. Vancouver could totally use a Historic Bitch Walk. I’ll volunteer to lead the parade.
And people think we Californians are fucked up.
W(h)il Wheaton. Details. I wants them, precioussssssss…..
Every town needs bitch walk. It would give moms somewhere to hang out when we are crabby.
Is this in Richmond? I think I know right where this is. LOL!
Those who ignore ditch history are bound to repeat it. Or fall into a ditch. And then bitch about it.
It is historic because they actually have a ditch, unlike some other no-ditch towns that I could name…and lived in.
Oh Texas. This is why I can’t quit you.
For the sake of humanity, I do hope no fanatical-leaning Bloggess minions in possession of white-out live in the neighbourhood of this sign… XD
Kidding, kidding! =P
Holy crap, what makes a ditch historic? Bitch I get, as in really old and crotchety and I could give you a list of those!
We live in Alberta, aka Canada’s Texas with oilfields and stampedes and all, and not a lot of ditches here. Historic fields and roads and rednecks we got put-lenty of though… uh, want some?
No shit- there’s a Unicorn Tavern here in Michigan. I saw it today, but as I was accompanied by Girl Scouts, I figured I shouldn’t stop in to check it out.
I think it could be a great location for a Unicorn Success Club Meeting.
Historic bitches are my favorite. Bitches and hos.
(or Ditches and Hoes. It works both way! Don’t mess with Texas)
have I ever mentioned that I love you! ROFLMAO
What’s the process for qualifying a ditch for historic preservation? I think there would be a lot of potential for an annual “Bitches in Ditches” festival.
Amber Tamblyn has serious balls! So awesome….
I’m a little in awe of you because of the reviews I keep reading at other blogs – and although I usually like to be different – I finally came to the conclusion that I should check you out and be one of the crowd.
I’m going to comment slowly and softly until I get a real feel for you blog. Love the signs – Texas does have a certain ummm charm?
Right now the White Out people are all, “Fuck yeah! She mentioned us! We’re back, baby! Fire up the machines because White Out is *back* in business!” ..And then you’re gonna get 200 cases of White Out.
What’s it like , Jen? Having that kinda power?
“On January 21st, 1861, President Abraham Lincoln forgot to moisturize with his designated body butter. Suffering from incredibly dry skin under wool pajamas bottoms, he angrily scratched so hard that he started bleeding. ‘Bloody southern region!’ he shouted, ‘It’s time to take action!’ His personal assistant, who was standing outside, heard this statement and sent the go-ahead to attack the Confederates.
Follow the path of that very message of impending battle on this Historic Itch Walk.”
I’ve only had a layover in Texas. Now, this, the original Dickey’s BBQ and my friend Christi make it high on the vacay list.
A construction company in our city totally has a sense of humour, every time they start a new project they put up a billboard “another big erection on its way”
White tape would work as well, if there is a city wide ban on white-out. What I want to know is, what does a historic ditch look like? Is it paved with cobblestones, stolen from Ye Olde Englande?
HAHAHA, I wonder who they would visit on the “bitch” tour?
I don’t live in Texas, so it is kind of surprising.
Now, I’d be on that tour if we were talking Toronto, Ontario….
Also? UNICORN POWER!
We have a local suburb called Cook. All the signs say Cock. White paint does wonders 🙂
so glad I am not the only one that sprung to mind. BTW, I thought of you when I saw this demonic kewpie doll:
Historic bitches be trippin
I could go for a historic ditch walk. It would be so symbolic of my life.
Come to think of it, the same could be said for the Bitch walk!
Texas Hysterical Markers are the best, ya’ll.
Why were you in Menard? This begs an explanation.
I’m wondering if the ditch runs along that road and actually is in both directions. Plus, I am curious to hear the story of what makes a ditch historic. Did Daniel Boone take a leak in it?
A “historic ditch” in Texas, like anywhere really, is a ditch where a famous drunk has passed out.
Hilarious! I saw a sign on a residential street in London that said “Humps” next three miles.
Haha I should be taking that walk…well, according to my last boyfriend!
Darn daylight! (or is that Barn Baylight?)
I live in Alabama. The city council keeps getting bummed because I keep reporting all the misspelled signs. I should just start posting pictures of them so I can shame the council into fixing them. My FAVORITE is the sign IN FRONT OF THE PRESBYTERIAN CHURCH. It’s only funny because it’s a Presbyterian church. But it has a stick figure walking on the crosswalk and it says PREDESTRIAN CROSSING. I seriously wish that had been on purpose. It’s hilarious if it was on purpose.
What is wrong with the kids in that town? Here the board of education building says board of education 500 Tiger Ave. We are waiting for some prankster to put a Z over the 5 to make it say board of education zoo. No one has done it yet. No imagination these days.
Years ago I was on a road trip with my sister driving from Kentucky to Texas, where she lived, and in Arkansas we passed a small bridge, and next to that bridge was a sign that said ‘Gregory Ditch’. We had no idea ditches were so name worthy. Giggling about that got us through a few more hours of endless driving.
I wonder if it was part of a historic ditch tour, too …
I love how nicely the “Bitch Walk” sign coordinates with the sign for the Episcopal Church right next to it.
The ditch walk reminds me of the excursion train. Every time I drive through that town I wonder what the hell an excursion train is. Where does it go? Who would pay money to ride it? I have the same questions about the ditch tour. Which you should have totally taken and then told us about. That’s sloppy journalism right there.
Is this you???????
Giant Chicken Stolen
A 10-foot-tall chicken was stolen last week from a poultry farm in Windham Township, Ontario. The fiberglass rooster had been guarding the farm since it was imported from Texas in 2004. Thieves broke the $3,000 chicken and made off with it, leaving its feet behind. An anonymous caller reported the bird’s whereabouts, and police found it in a backyard in Milton. The homeowner, 36-year-old Brent Smith, was arrested for fowl play possession of stolen property. The farmers, Sonia and Frank Dierick, are hoping that an auto body shop may be able to reattach the big bird to its feet.
Ditch walk or bitch walk, this is inexplicable. Must. Investigate.
See, your sign defacement is smart. Kids around here just write “farts” on everything. Like the kids crossing sign, where it just has a picture of two round-headed kids and then the word “crossing” underneath it – so now it reads “farts crossing.” Not too clever. Funny, but not too clever.
Also, I’m kind of pissed at my husband for having a beard and not needing $1 a month razors. I want to throw my money at that guy. Best commercial ever, indeed!
I look forward to your weekly wrap-ups like you wouldn’t believe. Thanks!
What on earth were you doing in Menard? And why did you stop long enough to take that picture? I usually am at the “drive as fast as I can to get back to civilization” point out there.
Your cat Pin said it all. That’s why I have 6 dogs…
The USC needs a helpline phone number to call. I SOOOO needed it last night. I think we should look into acquiring 1-800-UNI-CORN It could be a bit like a suicide prevention line or an AAA mentor number. So, since I didn’t have that available last night, I made a shirt in your store. It’s mine. Don’t ask if you can have one just like it. Cause it’s mine. You can’t. But it is Juanita and she is saying “Just do it MY way first and get it over with”.
I am afraid one of my staff is going to put this sign up outside my door!
I live in a province with a town (legitimately) called Dildo. If you come visit, you can take your picture with Captain Dildo.
Historic bitch walks got nothin’ on Newfoundland.
That would never happen in Canada, we’re too scared to do anything that would upset anybody….except for that one guy who changed the Dairy Queen sign to Dairy Queer, that had me laughing for months! I hope he’ll be okay with no hands though, apparently the DQ people have ninja’s working for them, beware!!!
I live in a town called Normal. So everything’s pretty hilarious here.
that is fantastic,
now i wanna move to texas
god help me
This makes me want to mess with Texas. They say you shouldn’t…
I don’t know how I’ve never been to your blog before but I’m sure it has to do with all the curse words but it’s so hilarious. You are a hoot! I’ve seen sign similar to that in OK, which is where I live.
Jennifer fromJust Wedeminute
I’ve seen many a Bitch Walk, but never a Ditch walk! I sort of want to come see this famous ditch!
I love these wrap-ups. They make the week so much more awesome. It’s great being in the Unicorn Success Club.
I think we should start a Historic Bitch Walk for Womens History Month (March).
I heartily endorse Carrie #17’s idea for the annual “Bitches in Ditches” festival.
OMG! This pic was taken in my home town. The locals are quite proud of it. 🙂
Meanwhile, I read the sign as HISTORIC DUTCH WALK. That’s how you can tell I’m from California.
Only in a state run by Rick Perry would a ditch be a state attraction.
Have some respect for the historics! Gosh.
Not everybody has the privilege to walk in a ditch.
Man, I could have used that sign in highschool…
I guess a Historic Bitch Walk would be an old-time Walk of Shame route. ‘Cept I don’t imagine Texan woman feel much shame.
As for the rap songs…I think they’re catchy….
Uh, Jenny, you do know you aren’t supposed to use White-Out on your monitor, right? That’s what Photoshop is for…
Awesome. I’ve always called the San Antonio Riverwalk the sewer trail or ditch walk. Did they finally officially rename it that?
Damn it, Jenny, you can’t leave obsessive compulsives like me gasping for info. Thank god for the internets: http://www.texasbob.com/travel/tbt_theditch.html.
Good God woman – Had to reach for the asthma pump again, you’re determined to kill us off aren’t you, so funny….
It occurs to me that a Bitch Walk makes more sense than a Ditch Walk. A Historic Ditch Walk? What the heck is that?!
I predict a huge boost to Texas tourism, because now we all really have to know more about this historic ditch. This is actually just one of your clever badass ads in disguise, isn’t it? How much is the Texas Tourism Association paying you? I hope it’s a lot.
historic ditches where truck drivers dumped murdered prostitutes through the years?
I love the weekly wrap-up because then I get to see all the stuff I missed. Here I’ve been thinking for the past 40 years that I was the only kid who wandered cemeteries making up stories about the people who had died and been buried there. How comforting to find out that I am not the only one. Interestingly, I have no recollection of my parents being there with me.
I can’t wait to read your book.
holy crap, I MISS TEXAS.
The sign is doing some serious representin’ for us Texas folk.
But the fact that little “weekly rate” place in the background has HI-SPEED internet…well, that makes me all teary-eyed and proud.
We’ve come a long way, baby.
Awww, I miss Texas!!! You just gotta love how proud every town is, even if all they have is a Historic Ditch Walk.
Did you notice that sign goes both ways? It’s a Bi-Curious Bitch Walk, y’all! I’m not sure how historic that is, but.. cool nonetheless.
What kind of slacker kids live in your neck of the woods?? Haha!
You rock! That is too funny! Yes, what is up with the kids there? My friends and I (who are all moms, btw) would have been all over that the day they put that sign up. LOL.
Well played Texas, well played.
Sincerely – the ditches and bitches of South Carolina
Just think, if you lived a little further east, you’d get to see this more often:
Who doesn’t need a giant statue of Sam Houston?
You make it very hard for me to NOT want to visit Texas!
I’m very suspicious of this sign’s authenticity. The use of the word ‘walk’ makes it very unlikely to be American, particularly not Texan.
I must say, after seeing the sign, I had to look and was pleasantly surprised to see they had spelled “Historic” correctly. And before I saw your caption underneath, I totally assumed that you changed the sign. Sorry. . .
PS – I still a little bit think you did.
I’d like to know who is on the historic bitch walk
The Historic Bitch walk: Starts at the Episcopal Church and ends at the local waffle house. At least that’s how it should work in my mind.
I can’t honestly say, given some white out and that original Ditch Walk board for inspiration, that I would have come up with a better alteration. Ah, your funny and educational links. I shall come back, when the kids are sleeping and I have more time …..
I’m going to need someone to explain to me how exactly a “ditch” is historic. If it WERE a historic bitch I could easily understand that.
Because I know how much you love stuff that has absolutely nothing to do with anything: xkcd.com has launched an holistic web browser. It’s fantastic. I typed in http://www.thebloggess.com and got the very similar, and definitely related, Purdue University website. I then tried to go to plus.google.com and got some kind of anime porn. World’s most accurate browser. Fan-freaking-tastic.
That Bitch Walk is quite lovely. Beautiful scenery.
Really, I think the kids have it right. Why bother to deface what is already ridiculous? Although; honestly, I’d be far more likely to take a historic Bitch walk.
I think I would like the historic slut walk better. I’ve been on an historic bitch walk before. It’s where your wife follows you home from the bar, all the while telling you what a loser you are, and how it’s no wonder that she fucked your brother at the family reunion.
Making fun of Texas is like clubbing the wounded.
Everyone asking what makes a “ditch” historic is forgetting about Texas’ claim to fame:
“EVERYTHING’S BIGGER IN TEXAS!” so the “ditch” could be the friggin’ Grand Canyon of ditches. Now that, I’d like to see! and the “walk” part would be a hike!
My Grandmother lived on Old Ditch Road – they had re=place that sign every couple of years for that very reason.
If I had been with you, I would have let you borrow my white out! And, because of this post, I will add “white out” to the list of sh*t I carry in my purse at all times. It will sit next to the pocket measuring tape and travel-size “wine out”. 🙂
We must know why the ditch is historic. Why?!? WHY?
How can a ditch be ‘historic’?
If it was dug before the revolution. And is really an irrigation canal.
I am pretty sure I have seen that! I love Texas! I am pretty sure that if I didn’t live in the mountains of Arkansas I would choose Texas! Probably Austin or Dallas. Austin because Keep Austin Weird is the best slogan EVER! Dallas because I want to Sue Ellen Ewing! Well expect without the irrational psychotic moments.
You also know you’re in TX when a fire ant bites you on the ass while you’re in bed.
In Wisconsin, the signs just say “Historic Area.” That’s it. Unless it says, “Historic Highway,” which is sort of awesome in its own way.
But that must really be an old, er, ditch.
I saw this video & thought of you: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eYkCjYrjAnQ&feature=player_embedded
Very funny, VERY intense post. With all due respect, the $ shave club was pretty amazing considering that it seems to be an actual commercial, but I think this one is even BETTER (and shorter) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cQ3dEhQusfs (30 sec)
How about this from Texas:
Is it a thing? Is it an activity? Just what is the SRINGBRAKE MARCH? What ever it is, you can find out this week.
I so want one of those for my front door. Because my mom might be mad if I stole it and put it on hers.
The sign points in both directions, no measurements provided, so likely an equal distance is meant – this isan assimption, but a valid one. Which can only mean that this whole post has been a secret sign to all in USC of the official meeting place – as this sign must be located at Middle Earth!
Of course I have now blown the secret but (1) not telling secrets is not yet a rule and (2) if everyone is equal members there are no secrets, only codes to break.
Cause living in a ditchless town is just madness.
Wisconsin has Bong Recreation Area, which sound a lot more laid back and cool than a Ditch Walk, which requires…. exercise. Jeez.
Unrelated note, I gave up my fake, two-dimensional Facebook farm about two weeks ago, so to fill my time I started reading your entire blog backwards. Not like each entry end to beginning because that would be majorly fucked up and would only make sense after a trip to Bong Recreation Area, but posts chronologically backwards. Started last Tuesday night, finished this morning. I’m kind of sad.
There’s a stop sign in my town, and under the STOP someone has written “It’s Hammer Time.” Pretty much the best stop sign ever. There was another one nearby that said “STOP eating babies” for a while, but some humorless ne’er-do-gooder scribbled over it… Freakin’ twatwaffle.
And this is how you know you’re in Oregon http://www.katu.com/living/outdoors/Zombies-142259785.html
How about Bitches with Dirty Ditches….that’s just wrong!
can I just say I am so fucking glad you don’t live in Kansas?
Then you find a bitch in a ditch… and shit gets real…
Putting my vote in for the Historic Britch Walk. Old mobile undies!
As an Episcopal priest, I resemble that remark.
Ditch walk. I’m not sure if this makes me more or less inclined to visit Texas.
There’s history in them there ditches kids!!! T:)
you should totally check out poster boy, he’ll be your idol and you’ll owe me forever. so remember that
If I ever get married, I’m wearing that Juanita shirt.
I think it expresses beautifully how I’ll feel walking down the aisle.
Kids are just not as creative or busy with texting their friends sitting next to them. With some paint and imagination, this sign could be the only Texan “HISTORICAL DICK WALK”. Don’t worry. With the church just down the path, it would be a short one.
I think I know that town. Haha! I believe I’ve driven through there or a town like it because as you know, it takes forever to drive anywhere in Texas and the map is dotted with small towns like this one. Do you recall the name of the town?
Since people seem to ask, ReferenceLibrarianGirl to the rescue!
I heart you so much, Madame Bloggess. You make my day cheerful and brimful of inappropriate laughter.
Your BLOG is great. But on , “And that’s how you know you are in Texas”, what really happened? The truck is in the same place.
I do know that town. It is every small Texas town, ever. Somewhere near the Historic Ditch is a Dairy Queen. Guaranteed.
I’m pretty sure my home state of North Dakota has ditch walks. Or at the very least, grain elevator tours.
I’ve been there! At least, I’ve been there if it’s in Menard. Otherwise, if it’s some OTHER Ditch Walk somewhere else in Texas, then I haven’t been there.
If that sign were out here in SoCal, it would have been marked up long ago and with far more than “bitch walk”. Kids here are very, ahem, creative and far less polite than kids there in Texas.
Well, hell. Now we can come here and learn stuff…
I think, someone who did this had nothing to do with their life. 🙂 Thanks for sharing this..
My husband and I had a debate over whether the commercial was real because no one real is that funny. Then we realized we didn’t care BECAUSE it’s funny. I think that’s the circle of internet life.
You were in Menard. Also the best town name ever. As in, “I’ve got an itch in Menard” Yeah, I’m 10.
What city is that in?!?! I’m going to Houston on Saturday for a week. If it’s near there, I’m TOTALLY going on that ditch walk and taking pictures. 🙂
Taxidermy…just had to share
I have to say that the Historic Ditch Walk is amusing, for sure – but OMG – you got a book quote from Neil freakin’ Gaiman? OMG – Neil Gaiman read your book and loved it? I would probably just decide that was the point in my life where I had accomplished everything possible and just be done.
Haha That’s totally hilarious!
I’m a born and raised Texan and I go to UT! My classmates and I made this video about all things Texan! Enjoy! http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=0F4ParJQ2CE