And that’s how you know you’re in Texas

And that’s how you know you’re in Texas:

No joke, y'all.

PS.  My hat’s off to the kids of this town, who are either very respectful or are running much lower on white-out and imagination than I am:

I totally didn't do this. Mostly because I have respect for public property. And I didn't have any white-out.

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And since it’s Sunday it’s time for the weekly wrap-up:

Image by @onezumi: “The Bloggess Riding a Dapper Octopus with an Attack King Mini Yak Riding him Attacking an Evil Flying Cheeseburger While Holding Twine.”

 

What you missed on Ill-Advised:

What you missed on the Houston Chronicle:

What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

What you missed on the internets:

This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

This week’s wrap-up sponsored by Aunt Carla’s Boosh, which sounds like some sort of weird p0rn video, but is actually an oddly named comfort food of Old World Portuguese/European origin.  Or perhaps the people at Aunt Carla’s are just fucking with us.  Regardless, they will mail you a booshwurst sausage that that will keep you from ever turning vegan.  It’s like magic.  Check them out.

135 thoughts on “And that’s how you know you’re in Texas

Read comments below or add one.

  1. For the sake of humanity, I do hope no fanatical-leaning Bloggess minions in possession of white-out live in the neighbourhood of this sign… XD

    Kidding, kidding! =P

  2. Holy crap, what makes a ditch historic? Bitch I get, as in really old and crotchety and I could give you a list of those!

    We live in Alberta, aka Canada’s Texas with oilfields and stampedes and all, and not a lot of ditches here. Historic fields and roads and rednecks we got put-lenty of though… uh, want some?

  3. No shit- there’s a Unicorn Tavern here in Michigan. I saw it today, but as I was accompanied by Girl Scouts, I figured I shouldn’t stop in to check it out.

    I think it could be a great location for a Unicorn Success Club Meeting.

  4. Historic bitches are my favorite. Bitches and hos.

    (or Ditches and Hoes. It works both way! Don’t mess with Texas)

  5. I’m a little in awe of you because of the reviews I keep reading at other blogs – and although I usually like to be different – I finally came to the conclusion that I should check you out and be one of the crowd.

    I’m going to comment slowly and softly until I get a real feel for you blog. Love the signs – Texas does have a certain ummm charm?

  6. Right now the White Out people are all, “Fuck yeah! She mentioned us! We’re back, baby! Fire up the machines because White Out is *back* in business!” ..And then you’re gonna get 200 cases of White Out.
    What’s it like , Jen? Having that kinda power?

  7. “On January 21st, 1861, President Abraham Lincoln forgot to moisturize with his designated body butter. Suffering from incredibly dry skin under wool pajamas bottoms, he angrily scratched so hard that he started bleeding. ‘Bloody southern region!’ he shouted, ‘It’s time to take action!’ His personal assistant, who was standing outside, heard this statement and sent the go-ahead to attack the Confederates.

    Follow the path of that very message of impending battle on this Historic Itch Walk.”

  8. A construction company in our city totally has a sense of humour, every time they start a new project they put up a billboard “another big erection on its way”

  9. White tape would work as well, if there is a city wide ban on white-out. What I want to know is, what does a historic ditch look like? Is it paved with cobblestones, stolen from Ye Olde Englande?

  10. I could go for a historic ditch walk. It would be so symbolic of my life.

    Come to think of it, the same could be said for the Bitch walk!

  11. I’m wondering if the ditch runs along that road and actually is in both directions. Plus, I am curious to hear the story of what makes a ditch historic. Did Daniel Boone take a leak in it?

  12. I live in Alabama. The city council keeps getting bummed because I keep reporting all the misspelled signs. I should just start posting pictures of them so I can shame the council into fixing them. My FAVORITE is the sign IN FRONT OF THE PRESBYTERIAN CHURCH. It’s only funny because it’s a Presbyterian church. But it has a stick figure walking on the crosswalk and it says PREDESTRIAN CROSSING. I seriously wish that had been on purpose. It’s hilarious if it was on purpose.

  13. What is wrong with the kids in that town? Here the board of education building says board of education 500 Tiger Ave. We are waiting for some prankster to put a Z over the 5 to make it say board of education zoo. No one has done it yet. No imagination these days.

  14. Years ago I was on a road trip with my sister driving from Kentucky to Texas, where she lived, and in Arkansas we passed a small bridge, and next to that bridge was a sign that said ‘Gregory Ditch’. We had no idea ditches were so name worthy. Giggling about that got us through a few more hours of endless driving.

    I wonder if it was part of a historic ditch tour, too …

  15. The ditch walk reminds me of the excursion train. Every time I drive through that town I wonder what the hell an excursion train is. Where does it go? Who would pay money to ride it? I have the same questions about the ditch tour. Which you should have totally taken and then told us about. That’s sloppy journalism right there.

  16. Is this you???????

    Giant Chicken Stolen

    A 10-foot-tall chicken was stolen last week from a poultry farm in Windham Township, Ontario. The fiberglass rooster had been guarding the farm since it was imported from Texas in 2004. Thieves broke the $3,000 chicken and made off with it, leaving its feet behind. An anonymous caller reported the bird’s whereabouts, and police found it in a backyard in Milton. The homeowner, 36-year-old Brent Smith, was arrested for fowl play possession of stolen property. The farmers, Sonia and Frank Dierick, are hoping that an auto body shop may be able to reattach the big bird to its feet.
    http://www.thespec.com/news/crime/article/682140–fowl-play-suspected-in-theft-of-giant-chicken

  17. See, your sign defacement is smart. Kids around here just write “farts” on everything. Like the kids crossing sign, where it just has a picture of two round-headed kids and then the word “crossing” underneath it – so now it reads “farts crossing.” Not too clever. Funny, but not too clever.

    Also, I’m kind of pissed at my husband for having a beard and not needing $1 a month razors. I want to throw my money at that guy. Best commercial ever, indeed!

    I look forward to your weekly wrap-ups like you wouldn’t believe. Thanks!

  18. What on earth were you doing in Menard? And why did you stop long enough to take that picture? I usually am at the “drive as fast as I can to get back to civilization” point out there.

  19. The USC needs a helpline phone number to call. I SOOOO needed it last night. I think we should look into acquiring 1-800-UNI-CORN It could be a bit like a suicide prevention line or an AAA mentor number. So, since I didn’t have that available last night, I made a shirt in your store. It’s mine. Don’t ask if you can have one just like it. Cause it’s mine. You can’t. But it is Juanita and she is saying “Just do it MY way first and get it over with”.

  20. I live in a province with a town (legitimately) called Dildo. If you come visit, you can take your picture with Captain Dildo.

    Historic bitch walks got nothin’ on Newfoundland.

  21. That would never happen in Canada, we’re too scared to do anything that would upset anybody….except for that one guy who changed the Dairy Queen sign to Dairy Queer, that had me laughing for months! I hope he’ll be okay with no hands though, apparently the DQ people have ninja’s working for them, beware!!!

  22. I don’t know how I’ve never been to your blog before but I’m sure it has to do with all the curse words but it’s so hilarious. You are a hoot! I’ve seen sign similar to that in OK, which is where I live.

    Jennifer fromJust Wedeminute

  23. I heartily endorse Carrie #17’s idea for the annual “Bitches in Ditches” festival.

  24. I guess a Historic Bitch Walk would be an old-time Walk of Shame route. ‘Cept I don’t imagine Texan woman feel much shame.

    As for the rap songs…I think they’re catchy….

  25. Uh, Jenny, you do know you aren’t supposed to use White-Out on your monitor, right? That’s what Photoshop is for…

    ~EdT.

  26. Awesome. I’ve always called the San Antonio Riverwalk the sewer trail or ditch walk. Did they finally officially rename it that?

  27. I predict a huge boost to Texas tourism, because now we all really have to know more about this historic ditch. This is actually just one of your clever badass ads in disguise, isn’t it? How much is the Texas Tourism Association paying you? I hope it’s a lot.

  28. I love the weekly wrap-up because then I get to see all the stuff I missed. Here I’ve been thinking for the past 40 years that I was the only kid who wandered cemeteries making up stories about the people who had died and been buried there. How comforting to find out that I am not the only one. Interestingly, I have no recollection of my parents being there with me.

    I can’t wait to read your book.

  29. The sign is doing some serious representin’ for us Texas folk.

    But the fact that little “weekly rate” place in the background has HI-SPEED internet…well, that makes me all teary-eyed and proud.

    We’ve come a long way, baby.

  30. Did you notice that sign goes both ways? It’s a Bi-Curious Bitch Walk, y’all! I’m not sure how historic that is, but.. cool nonetheless.

  31. You rock! That is too funny! Yes, what is up with the kids there? My friends and I (who are all moms, btw) would have been all over that the day they put that sign up. LOL.

  32. I’m very suspicious of this sign’s authenticity. The use of the word ‘walk’ makes it very unlikely to be American, particularly not Texan.

  33. I must say, after seeing the sign, I had to look and was pleasantly surprised to see they had spelled “Historic” correctly. And before I saw your caption underneath, I totally assumed that you changed the sign. Sorry. . .

    PS – I still a little bit think you did.

  34. The Historic Bitch walk: Starts at the Episcopal Church and ends at the local waffle house. At least that’s how it should work in my mind.

    The End.

  35. I can’t honestly say, given some white out and that original Ditch Walk board for inspiration, that I would have come up with a better alteration. Ah, your funny and educational links. I shall come back, when the kids are sleeping and I have more time …..

  36. I’m going to need someone to explain to me how exactly a “ditch” is historic. If it WERE a historic bitch I could easily understand that.

  37. Because I know how much you love stuff that has absolutely nothing to do with anything: xkcd.com has launched an holistic web browser. It’s fantastic. I typed in http://www.thebloggess.com and got the very similar, and definitely related, Purdue University website. I then tried to go to plus.google.com and got some kind of anime porn. World’s most accurate browser. Fan-freaking-tastic.

  38. Really, I think the kids have it right. Why bother to deface what is already ridiculous? Although; honestly, I’d be far more likely to take a historic Bitch walk.

  39. I think I would like the historic slut walk better. I’ve been on an historic bitch walk before. It’s where your wife follows you home from the bar, all the while telling you what a loser you are, and how it’s no wonder that she fucked your brother at the family reunion.

  40. Everyone asking what makes a “ditch” historic is forgetting about Texas’ claim to fame:

    “EVERYTHING’S BIGGER IN TEXAS!” so the “ditch” could be the friggin’ Grand Canyon of ditches. Now that, I’d like to see! and the “walk” part would be a hike!

  41. My Grandmother lived on Old Ditch Road – they had re=place that sign every couple of years for that very reason.

  42. If I had been with you, I would have let you borrow my white out! And, because of this post, I will add “white out” to the list of sh*t I carry in my purse at all times. It will sit next to the pocket measuring tape and travel-size “wine out”. 🙂

  43. I am pretty sure I have seen that! I love Texas! I am pretty sure that if I didn’t live in the mountains of Arkansas I would choose Texas! Probably Austin or Dallas. Austin because Keep Austin Weird is the best slogan EVER! Dallas because I want to Sue Ellen Ewing! Well expect without the irrational psychotic moments.

  44. In Wisconsin, the signs just say “Historic Area.” That’s it. Unless it says, “Historic Highway,” which is sort of awesome in its own way.

    But that must really be an old, er, ditch.

  45. The sign points in both directions, no measurements provided, so likely an equal distance is meant – this isan assimption, but a valid one. Which can only mean that this whole post has been a secret sign to all in USC of the official meeting place – as this sign must be located at Middle Earth!

    Of course I have now blown the secret but (1) not telling secrets is not yet a rule and (2) if everyone is equal members there are no secrets, only codes to break.

  46. Wisconsin has Bong Recreation Area, which sound a lot more laid back and cool than a Ditch Walk, which requires…. exercise. Jeez.

    Unrelated note, I gave up my fake, two-dimensional Facebook farm about two weeks ago, so to fill my time I started reading your entire blog backwards. Not like each entry end to beginning because that would be majorly fucked up and would only make sense after a trip to Bong Recreation Area, but posts chronologically backwards. Started last Tuesday night, finished this morning. I’m kind of sad.

  47. There’s a stop sign in my town, and under the STOP someone has written “It’s Hammer Time.” Pretty much the best stop sign ever. There was another one nearby that said “STOP eating babies” for a while, but some humorless ne’er-do-gooder scribbled over it… Freakin’ twatwaffle.

  48. If I ever get married, I’m wearing that Juanita shirt.
    I think it expresses beautifully how I’ll feel walking down the aisle.

  49. Kids are just not as creative or busy with texting their friends sitting next to them. With some paint and imagination, this sign could be the only Texan “HISTORICAL DICK WALK”. Don’t worry. With the church just down the path, it would be a short one.

  50. I think I know that town. Haha! I believe I’ve driven through there or a town like it because as you know, it takes forever to drive anywhere in Texas and the map is dotted with small towns like this one. Do you recall the name of the town?

  51. Your BLOG is great. But on , “And that’s how you know you are in Texas”, what really happened? The truck is in the same place.

  52. I do know that town. It is every small Texas town, ever. Somewhere near the Historic Ditch is a Dairy Queen. Guaranteed.

  53. I’ve been there! At least, I’ve been there if it’s in Menard. Otherwise, if it’s some OTHER Ditch Walk somewhere else in Texas, then I haven’t been there.

  54. I think, someone who did this had nothing to do with their life. 🙂 Thanks for sharing this..

  55. My husband and I had a debate over whether the commercial was real because no one real is that funny. Then we realized we didn’t care BECAUSE it’s funny. I think that’s the circle of internet life.

  56. You were in Menard. Also the best town name ever. As in, “I’ve got an itch in Menard” Yeah, I’m 10.

  57. I have to say that the Historic Ditch Walk is amusing, for sure – but OMG – you got a book quote from Neil freakin’ Gaiman? OMG – Neil Gaiman read your book and loved it? I would probably just decide that was the point in my life where I had accomplished everything possible and just be done.

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