Grossest analogy ever

Conversation I had with Victor after we fucked something up:

Victor: Yes, it sucks, but we’ve got a big shit sandwich here and we’re all going to have to take a bite.

me: I don’t understand that analogy.  You say it all the time and it makes no sense.

Victor: It totally makes sense.  Something shitty happened and we have to just swallow it down to make it go away.

me: Personally if I had a big shit sandwich I’d just throw it away.  Why would eating it be the only option?  That’s what the garbage is for.

Victor: That analogy isn’t apt.

me: And eating shit-hoagies is?

Victor: Yes, because it’s something shitty you have to deal with in an uncomfortable manner in order to make it go away.

me: We need to get you a new analogy.

PS.  He also won’t stop saying “Like a monkey fucking a football” and “HIDE AND WATCH”.  I will break him of this if it kills me.

PPS.  I just read this to him and he accused me of telling him “how the cow ate the cabbage”.  I told him it was more of a come-to-Jesus meeting.  He said it was “bull-butter”.  I’m not even sure what language we’re speaking anymore.

299 thoughts on “Grossest analogy ever

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Just because I am laughing… doesnt mean I would eat that sandwich either…. “Throw that shit away” is there for a reason

  2. Thank you. This made today’s journey into depression and self doubt a little bit better.

  3. Is this a Texas thing? cuz, that would so help me understand why I didn’t understand ANY of that conversation, yet laughed just the same.

  4. Pass him a nutella sandwich, then only say “take a bite. I dare you.” and walk away. I’m sure he’ll find a different analogy then!

  5. Just tell him it is what it is. Whenever someone tells me that, I tell them it’s not what it’s not.

  6. You should get him saying, “when frogs do fractions” i like that one a lot. plus, frogs doing fractions is a lot more fun than eating shit sandwiches.

  7. Hey, I’ve told you before I AM F*&^%$G ASTHMATIC, LAUGHTER CAUSES AN EPISODE

    Please print a warning before you send these things out into the interweb thingy

  8. I love it…my Mr. gives me all kinds of weird looks for my analogies too…I referred to a mess as a flock of bottles the other day and I’m pretty sure he was considering having me committed.

  9. I love colloquialisms- and I think we need to find someone to make an illustrated children’s style book of them. For posterity.

  10. Someone I work with says “not to piss in your pocket…” as a precursor to a compliment. Yes, a compliment. I’d almost rather eat a shit sandwich than have someone pissing in my pocket.

  11. My son always mixes analogies.

    A bird in the hand is a penny earned.

    You can lead a horse to water, but you shouldn’t throw stones.

  12. Whenever I tell my boyfriend that something doesn’t make sense, he just says, “Dollars and cents, baby.” Which makes even less sense.

  13. also I think you need to make sure you are the one cleaning the bathroom if that is how Victor deals with problems.

  14. I think the next time he tell you about eating a shit sandwhich, you should ask him if wants white/wheat and mayo or mustard on that.

  15. Like when my friend says “stick the spoon in the wall” for a situation that is over and dead. I just end up stalled and confused.

  16. I used to have a boyfriend who, when he saw something that looked good but really wasn’t, would exclaim: “I LOVE spaghetti! But there’s shit on it!”

    It was all the weirder cause that was his one quirk. He was otherwise steadfastly, boringly, normal.

    Hence, EX-boyfriend.

  17. I read this outloud to my husband. He thinks he & Victor should get together for beer & compare notes. I say they do and we hide & watch. With paintball guns.

  18. Hmmmm, I may borrow some of Victor’s lingo. It fits in quite nicely with my” Filthy Sayings” Facebook group. Also please go and read my fucking blog. Well, it’s not a blog about fucking, it’s a blog about…ahhh never mind.

  19. If I were a cow and I had a choice of eating the cabbage or taking a bite out of a shit sandwich, I’d rather be a goddamn hamburger, is all I’m saying.

  20. I think you could change “everyone has to take a bite” to “everyone has to take a whiff” and it would be the same, but not quite as horrible an experience, and it would be true even if you were all throwing it in the garbage.

  21. Victor obviously spent some time in The South, a weird kingdom known for its ridiculous analogies and colorful similes: “Well, ain’t you hot as a slab a butter meltin’ on a stack a wheat cakes!”) When he was a child: one does not have th wildly extravagant option of “throwing sandwiches away” (!) regardless of. The ingredients from which they are made. After all, there are those starving children in Where-ever who don’t have access to shit-sandwiches. Poor things.

  22. To extend the metaphor: “Life is like a shit sandwich. The more bread you have, the less shit you have to eat”.
    Don’t know to whom this can be attributed.

  23. I do not like the idea of that sandwich. I used to like the idea of a chocolate sandwich, but if I ever go to make one I will now think of you and Victor. Thanks for that.

    Not sure I want to know about the monkey and the monkey’s romantic liaison. Does that mean since the football is leather that the monkey wants a cow for a girlfriend? I am so confused.

    My husband does not say kooky things– my kids do. My oldest never learned that that little pointy mark you draw is called an “arrow.” He calls it a “point mark.” He is 8 now, and I do not have the heart to correct him.

    best,
    MOV

  24. Don’t piss in my face and tell me it’s raining. Also, on a related note. . . don’t piss on my face at all. Weirdo.

  25. I think I’m starting to understand why you use the phrase, “Holy Shit Snacks.”

  26. There’s a fantastic book out there called “Who Ordered This Truckload of Dung?” by Ajahn Brahm – it’s a collection of short stories, anecdotes, koans, jokes, etc. and every single one of them really made me think. The title is based on a hypothetical situation: what if you came home one day and someone had dumped a truckload of dung on your doorstep? You don’t know who it was, so you can’t call them to come take it back.

    The conclusion was that some people take handfuls of the “dung” in their lives, stick it in their pockets, and go around complaining to everyone about how awful their situation is and showing them the dung. Not surprisingly, they don’t ever get rid of the pile, and people don’t want to be around them. The better option is to sigh, get out a shovel, and start removing the dung bit by bit. That way the problem disappears and you may even get a nice garden out of it.

    I really do highly recommend the book!

  27. Maybe he was saying big-shit sandwich, which is like a big-assed sandwich(only bigger?), and of course everyone has to take a bit because one person can’t finish it.

  28. From my husband: “…And then Bob’s your uncle.”
    Me: “Dude, I don’t have any fucking Uncle Bob, and you know that! Stop fucking with me.”

  29. Sort of related, but this reminds me of how my 2 year old always asks for “a little poo” when I give him a bath. At first I was freaking out cuz I thought he took a shit in tub, but he just wanted some shampoo for his Lightning McQueen sponge.

  30. I used to say “like a monkey fucking a football” all the time. I eventually became convinced that a better phrase is “like TWO monkeys trying to fuck a football” because it just seems far more awkward.

  31. Maybe eating it is the better option so the garbage disposal doesn’t smell like shit all the time when you’re cooking?

  32. You’re speaking male… and there IS no translator. But if you find one, like a Babel fish or something, PLEASE let me know! MPH (My Poor Husband) could use some help. Right now I just smile, nod and ignore whatever comes out of his mouth. Just sayin’.

  33. FYI: Victor did not invent “Big Shit Sandwich.” I’ve heard it before and totally understand it. This is why I stopped eating all sandwiches. Also ice cream. I do not want images of “Big Pile of Cold S___ Ice Cream bowls” sloshing around haphazardly in my consciousness.
    But for similar (more appropriate?) analogies, how about ‘Shoveling the yellow snow’ (to get to the car), or ‘scooping the dog poo off the lawn’ (before you mow).

  34. One I use is “you’ve got more excuses than Carter’s got pills”. My husband gives me a wtf? look all the time. My mom used it on me as a kid. Now I just think, shit, Carter must have been on a shit load of drugs lol

  35. Hahaha – I love this. I love that you make me laugh while sitting in the middle of a cube farm and others proceed to look at me and glare. I just want to scream – loosen up and live a little, will you please?! And good luck breaking those weird phrase habits…that is a serious challenge.
    Much love,
    B

  36. My husband will say “like a monkey fucking a coconut” ALL THE TIME. Also, he says “tits on a boarhog”.

    But we’re southern.

    My favorite – EVER – from when I lived in Louisiana: “It’s raining harder out there than a two-cunted cow pissing on a flat rock.”

    I HAVE NO IDEA.

  37. I say that all the time… “I’m eating a big shit sandwich right now.” And friends are the soda to help wash it down!!!

  38. I would love to see a pic of you and Victor–it would help when trying to visualize these bizarre conversations!

  39. Tell Victor it’s six of one, half a dozen of the other if he wants to keep using his silly phrases. That one sends my husband and son right over the edge.

  40. Well, I don’t know what you’re speaking, but I’m all for the Cockney.

    I Christmans Eve Victor is a nang pot and pan, to handle such a carving knife!

    Yeah… You figure that out 😉

  41. You cannot take away “monkey fucking a football”. It is one of my favorite funny analogies, implying ineptitude on a truly cosmic scale.
    Other than that, it looks like “Bob’s your uncle.”

  42. Congratulate Victor. After managing to read your blog in all its glorious hilarity, remarkable pithiness, and occasional poignance, without once actually being provoked to comment… he’s done it.

    Please, by all that is holy, give us one or two uses of the “monkey fucking a football” phrase in context. Just so we can be sure we all use it correctly from now on.

  43. I think I need a drink…when I say “a” I really mean the whole fucking bottle. But that’s just me!

  44. “Can’t win for losing” is my husband’s phrase of choice, which makes no sense to me.

  45. My father-in-law says “as subtle as a shit sandwich”…and hence my wife does as well. I’m usually the one screwing around with analogies, though. “We’ll burn that bridge when we’ve spilt milk on it”

  46. You need to make a bingo card of these things. Color in the spots as he peppers you with cliches and then yell ‘bingo’ at the top of your lungs for 2 days straight when you complete a line. It helped me with my boss’ meaningless phrases.

  47. My charming husband drives me bonkers with his insistence on saying that the “mail went” (which means the mail arrived and DOESN’T MAKE ANY SENSE WE NEED AN INTERVENTION I SWEAR TO GOD)

  48. Who are you people, and what planet are you from? You know, my husband and I used to feel
    badly for Victor. Seems he has a lot to put up with, including stuffed odd animals all over the house.
    But now I see that you and Victor are “cut from the same cloth”.
    (My husband used to say “more useless than tits on a hatrack” all the time. After complaining about it for years; he finally stopped.) Laughing here.

  49. On the plus side whatever you fucked up can’t be worse then having to think deeply about eating a shit sandwich… Cos that’s just uber-gag inducing.

    Tho the local radio station in Philly, their morning show, gave people a prize for eating pubic hair covered pizza… also super duper gag worthy. Hello hairball. GACK.

  50. i was being totally sexist and was reading your lines as victors and vice versa. so when “he” said, “why is the only option eating it?” I thought “Males are so logical. And I have to go with him on this one.”

    So happy, yet at the same time disgusted with myself, for the Grand Realization that the woman was the logical one.

  51. I didn’t understand a SINGLE word after the PS started! Is that how they speak in Texas?… Cause if so I need a Texas dictionary.

  52. I’ve never heard the shit sandwich thing before… and I gotta say, I kind of love it. I might use it on my boyfriend tonight at home just to see the look of disgust it’s sure to put on his face.

  53. I think a large Nutella sandwich and a glass of Mountain Dew on Victor’s desk would be apropos.

    Also, I may have to keep some Nutella and Mt. Dew in my desk so if I am having a bad day at work and the boss stops by and asks how things are going, I can gesture and say “Well, I’m eating a shit sandwich today…” and that should be enough said…

    Side benefit… I may finally get mental health benes added to my healthcare package!

  54. Your next book should be a compilation of all your followers comments. My gosh they have such wit and humor. It’s no wonder there is so much love here. Thank you so very much again. My daughter thinks I am crazy crying explaining to her about the package I received.

  55. When you break Victor of “Like a monkey fucking a football,” would you mind sharing your strategy….my husband says it all the time and it makes me crazy!!!

  56. Oh hell no. Hide and Watch is NOT OKAY VICTOR.

    Everything else is and he’s a little bit right except about that.

    Victor’s problem is that he thinks he has to eat the shit sandwich. The analogy is perfect but it’s just that it doesn’t have to be eaten so much as maybe it’s a shit explosion and we all have to clean it up because we can’t just sell the house.

  57. See if he’ll use “more fucked up than a soup sandwich”. It fits many situations.

  58. An older lady that I worked with years ago used to say, “Now I’m going to tell him how the cow ate the cabbage.” I miss her.

  59. We used to hear, “Better ‘n gettin’ kicked in the head by a mule.” Which I would actually prefer to a shit sandwich. But sometimes shitshows are fun to watch…if it’s someone else’s shitshow. Gonna go make dinner now… and by dinner, I mean dinner.

  60. I think I may adopt “like a monkey fucking a football”, the mental image makes me laugh, and it will probably confuse a lot of people.

  61. I’m southern, and knew all of those phrases. Used ‘come-to-Jesus meeting’ this morning even. One of my favorites is:
    “And if my aunt had balls she’d be my uncle.” You say this after someone waxes poetic about something that’s obvious but just ain’t gonna happen.

  62. My Husband says “Like a monkey fucking a football” all the time!!! Every time I hear it I look at him funny… I wonder where that came from… did someone actually SEE a monkey fucking a football?? because that would be weird…

  63. Tell Victor “No matter what life brings you, always learn a lesson from your dog…. Kick some grass over that shit and move on.” and BTW Jen, I love and use the phrase often “You just HIDE AND WATCH”. lol Is Victor from the South?

  64. A woman I’m currently working with says “Fuck ’em and feed ’em beans.” Which I told her was a weird phrase that makes no sense, but at least I’m glad the order is the way it is. No way I’d want to fuck ’em AFTER feeding ’em beans.

  65. “Come to Jesus” meeting is the only analogy in that bunch I’ve ever even heard before. Victor is certainly colorful. Sorry about the fucking up. That’s not any fun no matter how you color it.

  66. My ex’s favorite thing to say was “I’m fuckin’ this chicken, you’re just holding the wings.”

  67. HIDE AND WATCH….WHAT? I don’t get it. Or the monkey love. You need to use these in scenarios so we can see what they mean.

  68. Let me know your tactics once you break Victor of it. I could use a few pointers since my husband currently says “it’s hotter than two rats fucking in a wool sock” ALL. THE. DAMN. TIME. Why were they in the sock to begin with? Did someone apprehend them? Are we assuming they looked at each other, stuck in a sock, and thought, “eh… why not?” How does rat sex work… do they have special sock positions? Who even wears wool socks?!?!

    On a side note, I’m loving and raising an eyebrow to the monkey football…. love it! Because really…. why not?

  69. I’ve had a shitty day. I’m now sitting in traffic that more closely resembles a parking lot than a freeway. I’m also in tears of laughter because it’s been a very long time since I’ve heard (or in this case, read) “like a monkey fucking a football”. Thank you for the much needed laugh

  70. Bull butter is what is used in baby batter which you then feed to the cow so she can make a calf.

    I’m not sure, then, how bull butter is at all relevant to your post. I think Victor is just saying things to piss you off.

  71. Colorfull language makes life more entertaining. Two of my favorites:
    He could fuck up a wet dream and He just pissed that one down his leg.

  72. So help me, my father, Merle, used to say (hell, still says) “Hide and Watch” all the time. I remember thinking as a kid….WTF does that even MEAN?? He has several phrases that my husband and I have termed “Merle-isms”. Some favorites include:
    “He couldn’t pour piss out of a boot if the directions were on the heel.”
    “Want a knuckle sandwich?” (said anytime I said I was hungry as a child)
    and last but certainly not least…
    “I think you’re dutch.” (said whenever he feels someone is being silly)
    It is a wonder I turned into a semi-functional adult.

  73. Is Victor prior military? Those phrases are VERY common amongst the military. One of my personal favorites that I use whenever someone tries to butt in on something I’m running is, “Hey, who’s fucking this monkey? That’s right, I am! You just hold the tail!”

  74. Now that “Like a monkey fucking a football” has been explained it is my new favorite phrase and MUST be worked into conversation.

  75. as I like to say – you can lead a horse to water but you can’t keep him from drowning.
    I think this is something that happens to most married folks.

  76. The trouble with analogies is that they’re like mowing the lawn in your underwear, nobody gets it but you…see?

    WG

  77. Can I just say – your conversations with Victor sound a LOT like conversations I have with my husband. But yours are FAR more funnier.

  78. I assume all of those phrases are “Texan.” For those of us in the Midwest, we’d like a translation dictionary. (Except for the shit sandwich one. We get that one.)

  79. My husband is a builder and whenever he happens to be building something here at home or with a friend and it comes together nicely his saying is. ” Fits just like socks on a rooster ” WTF? Socks don’t fit nicely on roosters and yet he swears his saying means everything fits just perfectly. I think that guys are taught a seperate language then us in the sex ed classes. We get to learn about a monthly visitor and they learn a new language. Ugh!!

  80. Texan. He’s speaking Texan. And after 7 years of being here I still don’t understand these people.

  81. I’m with Jules – must be a Texas thing. But now that I think about it, here in SD, we have a million ways to express how cold it is: “It’s colder than a (__fill in the blank__). Maybe we should publish a translation dictionary, too . . . .

  82. Dude – this was awesome to read at work. Google Reader brought it up unread, as “Conversation I had with Victor after we fucked” and I’m thinking wow…

  83. Used to have a professor from Appalachia, who would say, “I’d rather eat a Vaseline sandwich!” [than do fill-in-the-blank other unpleasant thing]. *Much* more civilized, and just as expressive. 😉

  84. Well, that just makes “shit in one hand and want in the other” seem lackluster, no?

  85. I have to side with Victor on this one. I use weird-assed sayings all the time. Every time hubbie or the family complain it just inspires me to reel off some more just to really piss them off. I even research new ones so I always have a selection to hand.
    Even though Bob’s your uncle, I’ll never be a monkey’s uncle. One in the hand is worth two in the bush, though six of one is worth half dozen of the other. She’ll be right is the same as sweet as. And though I don’t eat shit sandwiches I do not a people a few sandwiches short of a picnic.
    Thanks for always making me snort without fail.

  86. LOL. My husband makes weird analogies all the time too. I can’t remember them right now though; I think I wasn’t really paying attention.
    Announcement! Announcement! Announcement!
    I won one of the uncorrected copies of “Let’s Pretend It Never Happened”! It arrived today and I can start reading it NOW.

  87. Bull butter! LOL

    Also, I don’t get the whole monkey fucking a football. I mean, has he actually SEEN a monkey fucking a football? If so, does he have photo documentation? If so, it may need to be submitted into evidence.

  88. I use that expression too, but only to refer to the act of telling someone something shitty, sandwiched between two nicer things. You know, because it’s really effective in softening the blow.

  89. I am very concerned about why he thinks that putting a bowel movement inbetween two pieces of bread is a good idea.
    Are we talking about brown bread or white bread?
    Brown bread would have all of the colour coordination going on but white bread is cheaper.
    Either way the only option is to flush.

  90. I’m sorry, but when people are messing up in stupid ways, “It’s like trying to watch three monkeys fuck a football” is a glorious saying. GLORIOUS. I also like “more useless than tits on a boar hog.”

  91. Today is Nathan Fillion’s birthday, I hope that Victor made you a cake to celebrate such a momentous occasion.

    Also a shit sandwich is an incredibly gross analogy.

  92. How weird is this? Today a coworker and I were commiserating about a big stupid thing that happened in our home office and she said “Like my husband always says ‘a monkey fucking a beach ball'” and I laughed and told her I had never heard that before. And now I read “Like a monkey fucking a football” on your blog. What are the odds?

  93. Wow, someone else who says ‘like a monkey fucking a football’! (actually, I say “two monkeys fucking a football”) BTW, Vesta, the original joke is “It’s like two monkeys fucking a football- football one, monkeys nothing” ie, hopelessly unable to get the job done.

  94. “Come-to-Jesus meeting” is the best phrase ever. I use it at work for the idiots who need a little truth and light in their life (and when I say that I mean they need to be fired). Bless their hearts!

  95. Its definitely a man thing with their off the wall sayings and analogies…..my hubs like to call me a ‘little bag of hell’ when I’m in a mood and his favorite of all time is when someone does something that screws themselves over, he states ‘..you really stepped on your dink there’…seriously?? If I COULD step in my dink (if I had one) then I’d be a freaking world record holder and doing world wide tours……

  96. Growing up, mom and dad would say things like “Does a snake have armpits?” “Does a chicken have lips?” Since small children should never say “Does a bear shit in the woods?” But somehow, when I repeat it now, I get funny looks. I think you would get it.

    Now, for some reason, I’m craving a nutella sammich.

  97. OMG my Victor (except his name is Bo) says the “monkey fucking a football” thing ALL. THE. TIME.

    Makes me smacky.

    And “shit sandwich” reminds me of Spinal Tap: “The review for “Shark Sandwich” was merely a two word review which simply read “Shit Sandwich”. “

  98. My husband is from Ireland. We are often separated by a common language.

    Though when I hear about that monkey and football, I have to wonder what Copernicus has been up to…

  99. Wow. I agree that it’s a really bad analogy. It’s catchy, I’ll give him that. But so gross that it would tend to derail further productive discussion. (Or maybe that is his master plan?)

  100. My husband says, “Hide and watch” all the time. That, and, “I’ve had worse spots on my lip and never quit whistling.” Makes me want to feed him a shit sandwich….

  101. In my house, we sometimes have a choice – the shit sandwich or diarrhea soup. Either way you have to eat the shit, but you get to decide the “how”.

  102. I have always used “like a monkey on a cupcake.” As in “Donald Trump was ll over that hair mousse sale like a monkey on a cupcake.” But it’s all bull butter, after all.

  103. Is Victor ex-military? My only exposure to the “monkey fucking a football” analogy was in boot camp when I tried to do pushups. I wasn’t very good at them.

  104. That is a gross analogy. I wouldn’t eat a shit sandwich either. I wouldn’t even touch it. Yuck. Another gross analogy is one my old roommate used to say. I’d say something like, “That paper is due on Monday instead of Tuesday” and she’d say, “Oh bummer! That sucks donkey cocks!” I would cringe when I heard that because I couldn’t stop the imagery. If I ever have to think of roommate-on-donkey fellatio again it will be too soon.

  105. I peed. I laughed so hard I peed. Well, almost. You can tell Victor that he’s not the only one who uses “shit sandwich”, but “a monkey fucking a football”?? -dies-

  106. In all honesty, I would never even MAKE a shit sandwich.. I mean, I get the cooking channel and shit. Plus I have the Internet to research recipes. Hell, Rachel Ray can make a meal out of almost anything. I’m sure we can find something more apt than shit to eat.

    SHIT… ITS NOT WHATS FOR DINNER. (You should make a tshirt for Victor… so he doesn’t forget)

  107. You could always be “as nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs” or as screwed up as “a box full of coathangers…”…..

  108. “So?” (said in a snotty voice from friend/enemy)
    “Sew buttons on your underwear!!!” (yeah, take that! as an awesome comeback from an eight year old)

    I’m thirty and I still say it now.

  109. Now, I’m feeling a bit more normal.

    I threaten people all the friggin time with a “come to Jesus” meeting.

    Jesus would probably prefer me put it on his calendar rather than continue to just make threats with his meetings. Like he has nothing else going on or something.

  110. I would never knowingly take a bite of a shit sandwich. And you could only trick me into it if I had a really bad cold and couldn’t smell it. I’m with you.

  111. I truly, honestly, and the most sincerely that I’ve ever been (I’m bad at sincerity because sarcasm is easier and less scary) hope that one day I can meet someone that I can speak to and play with the way you and Victor seem to speak and play (and who won’t run away upon finding out that I’m crazy).

  112. Well, I’m thinking…shitsnacks are sort of an appetizer, right? Couldn’t you all just settle on shitsnacks instead and skip the sandwich?

  113. I need to tell you something. I only come here to hear about Victor. And maybe Copernicus. And Beyonce. Oh, I guess for you too. 😉

  114. That is the grossest analogy ever! I’ve never heard anyone say a “shit sandwich” – let’s hope this doesn’t catch on now…
    PS I found a Beyonce in Salt Lake and I soooo wanted to transplant it in front of the gigantic temple and take a picture to send you. Like church for chickens or something along those lines 🙂

  115. My hubs says ‘how the cow ate the cabbage’ and it drives me nuts! Of course I ‘take the rag off the bush’ and holy shitballs’ so Im not sure who is worse! I will be using the shit sandwich analogy soon!

  116. The fact that we both live in Texas you KNOW there’s some fucked-up sayings around here- like, “Shit fire and save the matches” and “Come apart like a double-wide in a twister” and “Sweatin’ like a whore in church.” … yeah

  117. So, I’ve got so many tabs open on my computer, I opened this one, then moved on to something else. (What can I say, I’ve got no attention span). Go to find this page, and looking across the top of my tabs, I see “Grossest anal…”. I was VERY confused.

    Love you, and this site!

  118. If I give you my phone number, will you call and tell me what it is you fucked up? Is it wrong that this is what I came away with after your story?

  119. But what about my favorite line from “Moonstruck” when Olympia Dukakis says, “Don’t shit where you eat.” That would put a wrench in Victor’s shit-sandwich-eating theory.

  120. Dear God… I just found my new favourite saying… monkey fucking a football….Whaaaaaa! Killing me….

  121. love this conversation
    just seems like what’s happening at my house – totally talking at cross purposes

  122. You are both a hoot!
    I’ve got some sayings for you along the lines of the monkey and the football (which refers to a very awkward situation). Which is very similar to: ‘as smart as a screen door on a submarine.’
    When you see/hear something that is really messed up you can say: ‘Fucked up like a football bat.’
    When someone asks you where something is you say: ‘If it was up your butt kicking footballs you’d know’.
    Instead of ‘Holy shit Snacks’ I’m always saying: ‘Fuck me in the goat ass.’ It is from an Adam Sandler song.

  123. “As fucked up as a soup sandwich.”
    “Happier than a lone maggot in a dead dog.”

    Texans all around me growing up.

  124. I have a friend who mixes these sayings up on purpose:
    “Up a creek without a shovel”
    “You’ve hitched your horse to a burning house”
    “We’ll burn those bridges when we cross them”
    “My hovercraft is full of eels.” (Okay, maybe not this one.)
    Etc.

  125. “I wouldn’t piss on him if he was on FIRE!!” (said in an extremely southern accent so fire sounds like “f-ah-er”

  126. When upset about something or other, my ex-husband would start railing about how he refused to be an escape goat. I would just nod while gleefully picturing a little goat skipping down the road…bleeting “Freedom”!

  127. My mom always said “how the cow ate the cabbage” what the hell does it mean??? See you in Houston!

  128. I am totally with Victor on this. I get it. If, for instance, you and Victor and a small group of friends were caught robbing a bank, big shit sandwich, time for everyone to take a bite. All for one and one for all and so on an so forth. Once Victor gets to prison, the inmates can treat him like a monkey fucking a football and he can use that phrase as often as he’d like.

    Good post. Keep the train rollin’.

    TheRealBarman

  129. I say monkey fucking a football all the time. But I’m also from Texas. So maybe it is a Texas thing.

  130. Domestic squabbles – gotta love them. My most recent one was trying to argue that a pot of ham and beans was in fact soup (even split between my facebook friends on that point, bastards aren’t any help). My argument was if he added crackers to the bowl that makes it soup which is pretty damn stupid on it’s own, but noooooo he had to counter with “you don’t shove crackers in your ass and call it soup, do you????”

    I won’t dare share the monkey and football fucking with him because he would surely use it.

  131. “HIDE and WATCH” makes Vincent sound like a creepy peeping tom. A creepy peeping tom who clearly has breath that smells like shit from all of the sandwiches he has been eating!

  132. Wouldn’t having to just be around a shit sandwich be uncomfortable enough?
    What if you’re an animal that eats it’s own feces anyway?

    WAIT! What if you’re a dung beetle?! They totally love shit sandwiches!

    Who is the person making these sandwiches? You should call the health department on them. Or just stop ordering from there. I hope you never let Victor cook!

    You know what’s uncomfortable but not a disgusting sandwich? Kidney stones, and you have to put up with them until they’re gone.

  133. I think in that last one he meant to say “that is the pot calling the kettle black” but he somehow lost the translation. My husband would always say “lets give it the ol’ college try.” Which would make me go ape shit and want to cut his tongue out with scissors….. he now talks with a lisp.

  134. Holy crap. I’m related to Victor. I’ve been saying both of those for a long, long time. Does he also know of people referred to as “nine cents”? For those of you unrelated to Victor and me, that’s short for “nine cents short of a dime”.

  135. Please use “Like a monkey fucking a football” in a sentence. I’m dying to know in WHAT context you use that phrase.

    Your conversation with Victor reminds me of my mom’s aunt, who in response to someone commenting that “this tastes like shit”, said “It could be worse. It could BE shit.”

  136. SOMEONE OTHER THAN MY FAMILY MEMBERS SAY “HIDE AND WATCH”!!! YAAAY! You have no idea how many times I’ve had to explain this to people.

    Let him have his sayings. When you’re both 100 you will have an adorable little quirky language that only the two of you will understand. Like “as you wish” from the Princess Bride.

  137. Eating a shit sandwich sounds like the beginning of a vicious cycle….and possibly a new eating disorder? Like a fucked up bulimia?

    On a side note, whenever my husband would hear the word “rectum” he would say “damn near killed um”. Drove me nuts. I just started saying it before he could. Totally worked. 🙂 Now if I could just figure out how to break him of the rest of his annoying habits…….

  138. I have no idea what most of those things mean .. but I feel like a good “that dog won’t hunt!” could be thrown in there somewhere. Also .. lower than a possum on the highway. I heard that more than once growing up in Appalachia.

  139. This is probably why I’m not married. I haven’t found anyone willing to have asinine conversations with about shit sandwiches. Lol. Love it!!

  140. When I was young and my brothers and I would start whining about whatever, my mom would always say “what do you want, eggs in your beer?”. I still don’t get it.

  141. He’s got it wrong. The expression is “Like ten monkeys trying to fuck a football”. A construction industry euphemism for having too many untrained workers trying to look busy, and fucking things up in a truly epic way.

  142. Is your husband originally from the South? My husband is from rural Georgia (where it’s so quiet I make him turn on the radio so I can sleep) and he says weird stuff all the time. In fact, entire conversations revolve around how he really shouldn’t say “Give me a jump off” to strangers when his car needs a jump start and how I have no idea what “Ain’t dunnit” means.

  143. Speaking of shit…When did “hot shit”, as in “You are hot shit!” become a compliment? Comparing something or someone to a warm pile is NOT flattering.

  144. I just got home from 16 hours in Pediatric ICU hell, so I’ve not read all 203 comments ahead of mine, BUT, What the fuck, Victor? It’s like you need “Witty Similes and Metaphors for Shitty Situations FOR DUMMIES”.

  145. I don’t want to eat my shit sandwich!!!!!!!!!! I’m definitely for throwing it away rather than swallowing… Victor has issues! 😉

  146. Someone at work used to say, “Well slap my ass and call me Judy!”….not sure what it meant but our HR Manager was named Judy and never amused for some odd reason…

  147. My question is, who are these people that make shit sandwiches?

    Are they a bunch of disgruntled Subway employees, rebelling against consumerism by opening sandwich stores with disgusting menu options and slogans like “Have It Not Your Way?” or “The Way a Sandwich Totally Shouldn’t Be?” Or did some eco-friendly unemployed college student think this would be a good way to save on water/plumbing/grocery bills?

    Because really, if you can get past the whole “gross” issue, it really is the first recyclable sandwich of it’s kind…

  148. OMG,,,,the police officers in this town are CONSTANTLY saying monkey *f*n a football!! I had never heard it used by anyone else!! LMAO!!!!!!! And i know they use that term, because i occasionally work in the Police Dept as part of my job with the city!

  149. i even have pictures of a stuffed monkey with a football taped to its hand that they kinda occasionally use as a flat stanley LMAO

  150. My brother uses the sandwich analogy too and sadly it never occurred to me that there might have been the option to throw it away rather than eat it. Why didn’t I think of this before? Brilliant!

  151. My Victor says “six of one, half a dozen of the other” all the time, and, with the same meaning, “it’s all much of a muchness,” which I personally hate because he sounds exactly like his mother when he says it. His favourite though is his description of a particularly incompetent person as “he’s about as much use as a chocolate watch,” which I’d never heard before, except in the variant “as much use as a chocolate teapot.”

  152. No offense, but I’ll bet that listening to you two is like listening to my grandpa talk. He says some crazy shit that don’t make sense, but I love him anyway. 🙂

  153. watch the movie Accepted, the South Harmon Institute of Technology has a Shit Sandwich for their school mascot, with a plushy

  154. So, on my way home from work yesterday, I decide to swing by Barnes and Noble and pick up your book. I look around and can’t find it. I then ask one of the clerks if they can look it up only to find out that it doesn’t come out for another 3 weeks! All this talk of your book got me so excited to read it, just to have my hopes dashed against the rocks like so many shit sandwiches. You cut me, Lawson. You cut me deep.

  155. This? Right here? Is why I love living in the South. We say some craaaaaaaazy shit! 😀

  156. Well, if Victor wants to eat shit sandwiches I guess …. And why am I laughing? When I haven’t a clue what the cow eating cabbage comment was all about?

  157. You know, if someone was talking to me like that I’d bring them in to see if they were having a stroke.

    Nice to know you’re comfortable knowing that it’s just him and not an aneurism.

  158. Anytime someone mentions a ” shit sandwich” I scream with laughter, so I’m going to have to back Victor’s play on this one.

  159. I especially don’t want to eat the shit sandwich if the cow was eating cabbage. Cabbage is bad enough the first go-round.

  160. I’m not sure what just happened, but I think this is how the Human Centipede concept was formed…..

  161. This makes me feel better about the husband and I only speaking in movie quotes. Or rap songs.

    You gotta fight the powers that be.

  162. My hubby always says ‘much fucking gooder’ Which bothers me for some reason, possibly becasue gooder is not a word. But he won’t stop because that is what his drill Sargent in the army always said and not it’s burned into his brain somehow. Men.

  163. This reminds me of a conversation I had after church the other day (where I don’t fit in at all, I can’t stop cussing). I said something that wasn’t meant to be sexual and then I realized what I said and couldn’t take it back and then other people were adding to it and it just rolled out of control until I was red and the black sheep of the group once again. Sigh

  164. I wasn’t quite sure what to call the shitty situation I’m in, UNTIL NOW. Thank you Victor! Now excuse me while I go to the corner to eat my nice little shit sandwich and yes it does have ketchup and mayo, in case you were wondering.

  165. I don’t know, I think it’s because I live in New England, but I only understood like, half of this post. You southern folk and your way of talking. Makes me madder than a pig in a dry mud pit.

    The End.

  166. Inspired by all this bad expression discussion… I totally found a way to work this into a conversation at the office yesterday… The Proof is in the Pudding… I dont even like pudding!

  167. My mom used to make up analogies when I was little and secretly lead me to believe they were socially acceptable. Like “off like a herd of ninja turtles,” meaning “we’re leaving.” And “gag-a-maggot,” meaning “gross.”

    The latter is not well-received in my peer group.

  168. After the morning I’ve had I understand his analogy, kinda. I’ve got 2 dogs and one of them has the runs and shat all over their kennel and himself and the other dog. So i took them out back, hosed them down, hosed down the kennel, and then brought them inside, where they both shat all over my kitchen. I’ve been cleaning up crap for about an hour. I feel like I’ve swam in a shit sandwich.

    Also, Here in TN we say some crazy crap as well. If it’s raining out but the sun is shining that means the devil is beating his wife. If something is delicious we say it’s so good it makes you wanna smack your mama. We also say it’s colder than a witches titty in a brass bra. That’s my favorite.

  169. Ever watched Storage Wars Texas? They have fun/odd/similar sayings. It’s the Texas way. His shit sandwich analogy is all wrong though. I would definitly throw it away. Maybe he just really has a craving for a shit sandwich and thinks if he says it enough, you might make him one.

  170. “HIDE AND WATCH”?
    This scares me. Not only do I wonder when he says that but he says it all the time? That’s freakin’ ominous. Plus, he eats shit sandwiches that I would just shovel into somebody else’s Dumpster.

  171. You’re speaking the language of marriage. After a point, it doesn’t even matter what you are saying anymore because the other half just *knows what you mean*.

    My father was fond of unusual sayings. He always cursed particularly colorfully, too. If you get him really mad, he’ll mix and match and sing the curses. After I missed curfew that one time after the concert, he really let loose. I will never think of Row Row Row Your Boat the same way again. Sometimes I would try to form a mental image of his sayings (such as “…. like f-in t!ts on an f-in bull” Yeah, go on and imagine that.) This would backfire because I would laugh. Apparantly, laughter is not an appropriate response from a teenage girl being raked over the coals for breaking the rules.

  172. My Granny had all kinds of analogies with shit in them.
    “Life is like a Shit Sandwich and everyday you take another bite”
    “You’d giveaway your ass and shit through your ribs”

    She was quite the church lady too but with more cursing.

  173. my husband looks at the way i do things and tells me “Just like a monkey fucking a football” all the time…actually he has shortened it to “want a football?”
    i had never heard this before or anywhere else until i just read this!

  174. The monkey thing makes some sense. But would realy like to know how “hide and watch” is used. Really.

    My personal favorite someone said once (in anger) that nobody, not even the sayer knew what it meant:
    “If I wanted to hear shit like this I’d go to a rodeo!”

  175. And now, sadly, all I can think of is that sad video of the chimp with the frog. that chimp sure did love his frog… actively. O.o

  176. All I can say is there is SOMETHING in the air…! LOL….Gotta be that Venus/Mars thing goin’ on in the sky I am thinking. It is messing up the male hormones or something! My hus has been something the last few days!! T:)

  177. I use, “You’re preaching to the choir” a lot myself – “You’re wasting your time trying to convince people who already agree with you instead of going out and talking to the people who need to be convinced.”
    My favorite one that my father-in-law, my wife and now I use to get a rid out of people is – “You never can sometimes always tell what least to expect the most.”

  178. My extended family says “I’m milking this duck!” which means to back off, we know we are doing something spectacularly peculiar but fully intend to carry it through. Also popular is “Well, it’s your duck, you milk it…” when we realize someone else is determined to complete whatever half-baked scheme they are in the middle of, and our plan is to shut up and wait for it to explode.

  179. Around here the saying “He/She wouldn’t say shit if he/she had a mouth full of it” tends to be said a lot.

    ALso these: “If a frog had wings he wouldn’t wear his ass out hoppin” “Wish in one hand and shit in the other, see which ones fills up first”

  180. I was listening to NPR once, and this woman was talking about how her super-scientist husband had a stroke and lost his speech, but only the words he’d learned as a little kid, like “mom,” “shoe,” and “breakfast.” You know, most everything. All he could use were these super-scientist words. And his wife had to learn this language so she could understand him, and then they fired the speech therapist who scolded him for speaking gibberish.

    Sorry, this isn’t very related.

    My family says “That’s a hunk of bunk” a lot, which is great because it’s more work-friendly than “that’s a pile of horseshit.”

  181. When my kids beg me for something that I don’t want them to have, I tell them, “want in one hand and shit in the other and see which gets full faster.” I’ve said it so many times with hand gestures, now I just have to make the hand gestures. Then they roll their eyes and say, “What does that even mean?” But it confuses them so much that they forget what they were begging for. So I have that going for me.

  182. When people around home would be mad at someone (usually for being right in an argument) they would puff up and say, Well fuck you and the horse you rode in on – Seriously?? What the hell?? Never made sense to me. Who is being punished here?? And is there something to the order of the liaisons? Does it cause a rift between the rider and the horse??

  183. I have decided you are the only person I kind of almost (don’t really) know that I can say this to and know you will understand and not judge or preach. Thank you for being that person. PARENTINGIS HARD AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE FUCK I AM DOING! (This is related in that I have been eating a lot of shitty sandwiches lately…. metaphorically speaking)

  184. I thought the point of the shit sandwich analogy was that the more bread you have the less shit you have to eat

  185. Hey now! Don’t mess with “monkey fucking a football”! Thats a time-honored analogy around my house. I even have a baseball cap with a monkey fucking a football on it. Note to self: don’t wear that hat to pick the boy up at daycare.

  186. So anyway, there was this Penguin…
    (Meaning, “ok, this is pointless. Moving on.)
    Came from a lame joke a friend told me. The phrase was not only contagious, but people bought me Penguin figurines, stuffed animals,even Penguin lawn ornaments; thinking I had some sort of Penguin fetish.
    Victor should be careful… his analogy is much less cute and cuddly.

  187. Instead of simply saying “so what” my husband says “Sew buttons on Easter eggs”
    When a task is easy he says “Its not rocket surgery”.
    When asked how he is, he answers “I’m fine as frogs hair”

    After listening to me go on and on about something my best friend nearly always says “Well fuck ‘em and feed ‘em fish heads.” When encountering a person who appears to be in a bad mood, another friend, asks “Who pissed in your Cheerios?”

  188. I love Victor’s sayings because they’re like most of the ones in my family – they don’t make any sense. A favorite and often used one in times of turmoil and indecision is “I don’t know whether to shit or go blind”. And my aunt frequently says “there’s two sides to every question” instead of two sides to every coin. But I’ve heard the question version so often, I now have to stop and think which one is right.

  189. My boss actually started my job offer saying: if you stay in China, its like someone handling you down a big bowl of shit and you have to eat ALL of it little by little, and there is no other option.

    Quite a welcome speech, gotta say.

    And i cant shake off the phrase “fuck me running!” from a Danish friend

  190. I am currently suffering from a severe case of vertigo. So between the wild spinning and the meds to relax my brain this conversation makes perfect sense to me. I win.

  191. I’d read all the comments if I wasn’t busier than a one-legged man in a butt-kicking contest, and with my assistant out at the office, I’m the only one fucking this goat today. Plus I just shit and fell back in it on one of my projects, and it’s making me stressed out than a long-tailed cat in a room full of rockin’ chairs.

  192. Holy sheep shit…Monkeys fuck footballs at my house all the time! And I thought I was the only one plagued with THAT little nugget!

  193. When I whined too much my mother would commiserate by saying, “I know how you feel, everything I eat turns to shit.” It took me years to understand.

  194. So, my phone decided to ditch text wrapping today and just cut off part of this post, which surprisingly makes a big difference. Took me a while to figure it out, after reading “Conversation I had with Victor after we fucked. Victor: Yes, it sucks, but we’ve got a big shit sandwich here…”

    And I thought *my* husband and I got freaky in the bedroom. Damn!!

  195. My partner is always saying that “monkey fucking a football thing” and I just never get it – but his saying that makes me crazy is “You’ve got more excuses than Carter’s has pills” – I mean, is Carter’s even in business making pills any more?

  196. This is one of my husband’s favorites: You drive like I shit. I have no idea what that means!! And neither does he. It’s something his father always said and he just likes it.

  197. The expression I heard, and have used ever since, is “Life is a shit sandwich: Eat it, or starve.”

    So, while throwing it away may be an option, it’s not necessarily the most attractive one.

  198. A sh*t hoagie? That is hilarious. Victor’s logic, the only way to make the sh*t sandwhich go away is to eat it, reminds me of one of my coworkers where it’s just easier NOT to ask any further questions. In fact, the other day I rolled up a few papers, whacked him on the head and said, “No, no.” Pretending he’s a dog somehow helps me to not get as ticked off as I normally would. After hitting him, i just laugh. LOL.

  199. I just read this to my husband who also says “bull butter”! I’m glad to know someone else’s husband says that. Unfortunately he just told me what “bull butter” means. Ewwww!

  200. Tangent!

    So you know how when you watch an R-rated movie on basic cable (probably network TV too), they dub awkward words over the bad curses, and those dubs often make about as much sense as a shit sandwich?

    I happened upon the modern classic, Snakes on a Plane, one afternoon on TNT, and when Samuel L. Jackson delivers his signature line, he says, “I’m so tired of these monkey fighting snakes on this Monday Friday plane.” I rewound it about 17 times.

    Anyway, that’s what I thought of when you brought “shit sandwich” in alignment with “monkey fucking a football.”

    Thank you and good night.

  201. Um, it’s actually “I’ll show him where the hog ate the cabbage”. Where did COW even get into the equation?

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