If it's Wednesday, this must be Atlanta

Once again, I’m on tour so and today I’m in Atlanta.  Please come see me?  Pretty please?

And while I’m gone I am completely phoning it in by reliving some of my favorite old posts.  In other words…reruns.  But good reruns.  So for today a little something from 5 years ago:

You know what I did last night when I couldn’t sleep?  I came up with 28 ideas for sequels to The Little Engine that Could and this morning I’m looking at them thinking, “How high was I?” and the answer is “Pretty high” because I don’t even remember writing some of these.  I should probably delete them all but I’m going to leave them as an example of why I shouldn’t really be allowed to speak to anyone, ever.

Alternate versions of The Little Engine that Could:

The little engine that should have.

The little engine that couldn’t care less.

The little engine that did and then found out it was overrated and then got disillusioned with life and stopped showering.

The little engine that did it with a prostitute and got syphilis.

The little engine that tried to do it but couldn’t and then later he found out that when he was born they weren’t sure if he was a train or a tractor so the doctor just made him into a train because that was easier but turns out?  Totally a tractor.

The little engine that needs to stop being such a douche canoe.

The little engine that tried but failed because sometimes life isn’t fair.

The little engine that died from overexertion and later his parents were all “WHY? Why didn’t he just wait for a bigger train?”  And no one had an answer.

The little engine that resented being called that because he thought it was racially insensitive and he started a big protest group then someone explained to that it was “engine” and not “Injun” and then he was all “Oh. I’ve wasted my life“.

The little engine that refused to unload his cargo because he was a hoarder.

The little engine that we all made fun of in school and later he got cancer and now we all feel bad.

The little engine that could do better.

The little engine that isn’t even applying herself.

The little engine that is just asking for a smack in the mouth if engines had mouths.

The little engine that refused to let men into his caboose because his father made him homophobic.

The little engine that could if he wanted to but he “just doesn’t feel like it right now”.

The little engine that accepted Jesus Christ as his personal savior but then found out that engines don’t have souls and he hoped there was at least an engine purgatory, but no.  There wasn’t.

The little engine that would have if he knew it was even an option.

The little engine that didn’t care for Asians.

The little engine that pretended he did it so much that he actually started to believe he actually had done it even though he never had.

The little engine that bullied you in third grade.

The little engine that’s way too concerned about Obama’s birth certificate.

The little engine that doesn’t have time to talk to you right now.

The little engine that can’t take a hint.

The little engine named Luka that lived on the second floor.

The little engine that was offended that he kept being referred to as “that” and would prefer “The little engine *who*would appreciate it if you’d use less hurtful words”

The little engine that could, but didn’t.  So maybe he couldn’t.  I mean, we don’t really know if he could unless he tried and succeeded.  Never mind.  The little engine who might’ve if he wasn’t such a damn baby.

The little mermaid who wanted to be an engine because she got sick of being a human but didn’t want to crawl home to her father after her divorce because he’d be all “I told you so“.

The little engine and the half-blood prince.

The little engine that ate my sandwich.  You. mother. fucker.

174 replies. read them below or add one

  1. Douche canoe= best phrase ever. Even for a little engine.

    Mayor Gia recently posted Attic Squeaking.

  2. I would so come if I were in the States! And this version of The Little Engine that Could is ummm… absolutely wonderful. Gave me chills lol

    Lady in Red recently posted *.

  3. Lol, one of my favourites:

    The little engine that could if he wanted to but he “just doesn’t feel like it right now”

    Lady in Red recently posted *.

  4. Awesome. I think “the little engine that would have if he knew it was even an option” is my favorite. Can I go write that book? I’ll credit you in the aknowledgments section! Or maybe I can dedicate the book to you, or we can co-author it. I’m flexible. My people will call your people, okay? … Oh, wait. You actually *have* people, don’t you? Shoot.

    Katy recently posted Defense.

  5. 5
    Lynn Riley

    Can’t wait to see you in Atlanta tonight! Would be happy to hang out at Lenox Square this afternoon, too. I’ll treat you to lunch at California Pizza Kitchen! I’m not as creepy as I sound.

  6. I was wondering where my sammich went. Asshole.

  7. Haha, these are so brilliant. 😀 Seeing as your book has been such a great success, perhaps you should consider writing a collection of The Little Engine alternative stories next?

    Oly recently posted 'Cubicle Confessional' is a success!.

  8. The little engine named Luka that got beat that lived upstairs from you and she just doesn’t argue anymore. That Luka? What a bummer

  9. Oh this was a great re-run! I giggled out loud with “The little engine that refused to unload his cargo because he was a hoarder”. Amazing. Now I’m gonna go get high and see what I can come up with for “My Little Pony”… After I finish my morning coffee of course.

    Lacey recently posted My Fat Crotch Vexation.

  10. Buckhead, eh? Well, you’ll have a packed house for sure! Looking forward to a weekend with you in Maryland. If you need transportation / wrangling / wine slushie supplies, please feel free to let me know.

    Kara recently posted And she wins, big..

  11. The tractor one is brilliant.

    beth recently posted Beastie Glasses.

  12. Can I be the little office engine that finally says ‘People, enough is F*^%*”g enough, I am not the HR person, I am not the IT person, I am not the guy with the magic F*^%”*g wand that can fix all the ills of the world let alone this F*&%”*g office, and I am not your F*^%”*g house mother; go and do it your F*%$”*g self”

    Can I be that little engine for once, instead of the little engine who just says ‘Yes, leave it there and I’ll sort it for you ……

    Tom Stronach recently posted Book Review: The Affair by Lee Child.

  13. You missed “The little engine and the temple of doom.” Just saying, y’know.

  14. I am holding your book in my hands at last! (And typing at the same time. I’m talented). I’m going to read it on the train and laugh until people look up to see what’s so damn funny and maybe you’ll get a few more fans out of it. Or they’ll just give me weird looks. I wish I could come to a signing. Bring the book tour to Sweden, will ya?

  15. 15
    Tina aka Aunt Looney

    I will see you tonight! My husband is driving me down to Atlanta (I am terrified of Atlanta traffic!) I also love the phrase “douche-canoe”. 🙂

  16. The little engine who had an existential crisis, broke up with her boyfriend (ALL of her boyfriends), and traveled the world trying to figure out who she was. Wait – that’s Eat Pray Love. And sort of the book I’m working on.

    The little engine who tried to hold it all together and make everyone happy all the time and then realized that little engines have been doing that for years and she’s had enough already goddamnit so she’s moving to Nepal. Oh wait – that’s still my life.

    It’s hard not to write these things as autobiographies. . .

    Melanie recently posted This isn't really me writing this..

  17. 17

    After the damn little engine stole the sandwich. he gave it to the sandwichless…A odd little version of Robin Hood. The little engine of Sherwood line and his merry box cars.

  18. I love douche canoe – but my favorite is twat-waffle. Or bucket of yuck.

    Stephanie recently posted 10 Years Ago I Killed A Part Of Me.

  19. this is quite possibly the most glorious list of alternative titles. ever.

    Karen recently posted Things (people, places) I love in 400 words….

  20. There’s Something About the Little Engine That Got Arrested at a Rest Stop While Trying to Explain He Was Just There to Pee.

    Jeff Clough recently posted You Can’t Handle the Tooth – Part Three.

  21. “Wasn’t serious” -yours is the best of the first 10 comments. Win!

  22. Ha! I’ve watched that annoying movie that has Whoopie Goldberg in it over and over because my son loves it. This post makes it much more tolerable.

    Jaime recently posted Random Tuesday: In which I discuss magic bubbles, asshole cars, and The Hunger Games.

  23. 28 is the new 30.

  24. PS…these are awesome!

  25. How about The Little Engine that stayed in the yard because gas prices were too high so people just got off their ass and actually walked instead.

    PS. I have 2 signed copies of your book so I am running a contest for one of them (as well as a $100 gift card). Bribery works.


    Rob R recently posted Holy Crap! Something Actually Made in the USA!.

  26. The little engine that just up and snapped one day before shooting his boss, except that he realized that engines don’t have hands and that idea wasn’t going to work. Indecently, do you know how hard it is to lure your boss onto the railroad tracks? Pretty freaken hard.

  27. haha I loved this! Thanks for making me laugh this morning!

    Leanna recently posted Stuff I Like.

  28. I like the little engine and the half blood prince. Very graphic.

    Allyn recently posted Wasted Wednesday: Lemon Mint Juleps.

  29. Can I be the little Engine that didn’t want to grow up to become a train, escaped through a warp-hole and came back as Tardis? Can I? You can ride me as much as you like.

    …I didn’t mean that the way it looks, it just didn’t come out right. I meant it the other way. The non-gutter way.

    Cara(Eli) recently posted Ow.

  30. 30
    Holly Olofsson

    The little engine who blew his stack, rammed co-workers, got put ouut on the street, and lived out his life as a smelley angry trolley

  31. The little engine that laughed its ass off and thanked it’s lucky stars that it stumbled across this blog one day.
    Thank you for making me LOL at work!

  32. I don’t remember if I’ve read this one before, but I don’t care because it may be one of my favorite posts 😀

    Welcome to Atlanta! Hope to meet you tonight!!! Have a fav snack or Starbucks drink we can get ya?

  33. Heehee, I also enjoyed the Little Hoarder Engine.

    How about…..The Little Engine That Couldn’t Because They Got Sucked Into The Internet All Day and Then It Was Too Late To Do Anything Productive Except Go To Sleep?

  34. 34
    Heather C

    I can’t wait for your book signing in Atlanta today! Welcome and we are excited to have you! Thanks for the laughs this morning. Makes me want to bang my head on my keyboard a little less.

  35. The little engine that was constipated & sat on the toilet all day waiting until he was feeling light enough to try the hill.

    Kelly recently posted Stop The Lindsanity.

  36. “The little mermaid who wanted to be an engine…” You really WERE super high, weren’t you? (Also, I’d like to see that one.)

    Mary C-Pain recently posted Diablo 3 Crashes All The Things. I’m Too Broke To Care..

  37. You really missed your calling in the publishing field. Also, please feel free to write any or ALL of these titles. You can do it, my high little engine!

    dumb {squared} recently posted Miss you, old boy.

  38. How about ‘The Little Engine Tha…..oh fuck it, I just can’t do it…..

  39. I’m in Atlanta!!! I’m gonna try and come see you! Ahhh!

    Emma recently posted The Good Works Project.

  40. Can’t wait to see you tonight! I’m getting there early…if I don’t see you around, I’ll just check the bathroom!

    Margaret recently posted Mother.

  41. Atlanta is waiting with bated breath to see you tonight. We absolutely cannot wait.

  42. Congrats on the book tour. Enjoy Atlanta!

    The Kidless Kronicles

    Nicole@TheKidlessKronicles recently posted What I Ate Wednesday (WIAW) 5.16.

  43. Oh my gosh, I just about lost it when I got to the one about the little mermaid. Late-night madness brilliance strikes again.

    Colleen recently posted Elizabeth Gilbert on Nurturing Creativity.

  44. You just made me spit coffee all over my keyboard.

    At work.


    (it was worth it)

    Kristen Mae recently posted Fifty Shades of I Don't Wanna Be a Nympho.

  45. Too. Far. From. Atlanta. 🙁
    Tried to pick a favorite little engine but there’s too many good ones.

    Judy, Judy, Judy recently posted Meet Natasha aka eviltwit - my shelfari friend.

  46. i am SO stoked to come see you tonight! you really need to go check out The Vortex (they have a killer bar!) while you are in Atlanta! i think it’s right up your alley! (whoa, lots of exclamation points!!) the lots of people crowd coming to see you tonight scares the piss outa me, but i’m gonna try to not totally freak out, cause I am SOOOO stoked for tonight!

  47. The thing to do in Atlanta is not drive yourself ever, make someone else do it. Otherwise you turn into a monster.

    Bridget recently posted College Essays I Did Not Turn In.

  48. 48
    Mrs. Wonder

    The little engine ho could… Never thought of it that way.
    Thats actually the best damn writing exercise ever!

    Mrs. Wonder recently posted Mother’s Day started a little late.

  49. Ha! Still love this second time around.
    I’m glad that even the little engine knew that size doesn’t matter, although maybe he secretly worried that it did and even bought one of those things off the internet, but it didn’t work and now he has a real complex about it.

    You just never know.

    Jo and the Novelist recently posted Dancing in the Moonlight….

  50. The Little Engine Named Luka That Lives on the Second Floor = my all-time favorite.

    Jillian recently posted Angel Face.

  51. 51
    Rhonda Walton

    I’m going to be there with my daughter, Britaini and hopefully her bestie Leah as well. I cannot WAIT!

  52. “The little engine that didn’t care for Asians.” LOVE LOVE LOVE. And I’m Asian.

    Also, come back to Dallas. Preferably on a M-W when I’m not stuck in school. KThxBye!

    John B recently posted perm-a-doodle.

  53. The Little Engine that Couldn’t Take A Hint: You know he’s not doing it on purpose, but damned if he doesn’t just make every conversation the most awkward moment of your life.

    Kp recently posted Coping with the Fear.

  54. I am harassing my friends to take off work early so we can get in line for you super-early because now I’m paranoid that it’s gonna be insane at Barnes & Noble. Can’t wait to see you! (And it’s ok if we have to come see you in the bathroom, that’s fine too. 🙂

  55. I can’t wait to see you tonight! So glad you’re coming to Atlanta.

    And Bridget is SO RIGHT about becoming a monster if you drive in Atlanta traffic. Every day I am amazed at how much worse the drivers get… it’s like every day is a new low for humanity. D:

    Jessica recently posted Big Hollywood discovers “Terrifying New Trend”–Adult My Little Pony Fans.

  56. Ummm… Jenny –
    The Little Engine that Could…. COULD bring her caboose to Columbus, Ohio for a book signing.
    Although… I downloaded it to my kindle, so unless you can figure out how to sign it electronically I guess I’m SOL.


  57. The little engine that could wondered if campfires and hobos might give him street cred. Plus he might score some awesome tramp art. win win.

    lleamaria recently posted Sign of my Times.

  58. And even though it was 5 years ago, there are STILL too many little engines that give a shit about Obama’s birth certificate.

  59. Love this! I FINALLY started reading your book and have practically died laughing! Have fun with the rest of your tour!

    Liz D recently posted "Fifty Shades Darker" Book Review.

  60. The little engine who couldn’t believe it wasn’t butter, then LOST HIS SHIT on the server ’cause he clearly asked for some mother fucking butter on his toast. Little engine don’t play like that.

    Banana Stickers recently posted A letter to my girls.

  61. I’ll see you this afternoon at the radio station and will come bearing drugs. Heard you were a bit under the weather. Welcome to my stompin’ grounds!

    Desiree recently posted Disney Photo Pass Captures Priceless Images- #WordlessWednesday.

  62. This was exactly the pick me up I needed today! Thank you! I was cracking up laughing in my office!

  63. 63

    These are great!
    And see you in Atlanta tonight!

  64. The politically incorrect little engine is ostracized for using dirty coal and contributing to climate change.

    The politically incorrect little engine is ostracized for smoking in public

    The politically incorrect little engine is ostracized for tooting to much, then blaming it on the dog.

    mousebert recently posted The Walrus and the Carpenter.

  65. omg, I was just IN Atlanta! Dammit, we need to coordinate better!

    Keely recently posted And where is his protective gear?!.

  66. *waving from Augusta* Hey! HEY! OVER HERE! No, THIS way, wummin!

    *stands on the roof of her house, flashing her ( o Y o )* HELLO FROM GEORGIA!

    Siress Yorkie recently posted As Tough As It Can Be Here....

  67. If you see a gorgeous, sporty, California cool-type woman with short curly brown hair, sign the book “To Abbie with Love” no matter what she says her name is… especially if she tells you her name is Rebecca. That book is mine, she owes me ;). She is the little engine that could (and should for that matter) be letting others, less fortunate than herself, live vicariously through her by sacrificing just a few moments of her day to go see the Bloggess… the little engine that could, if she wanted to.

  68. 68
    Shannon Fielding

    The little engine that sits back, reads your blog and laughs.

  69. The little engine that could, but didn’t, because he was super-sick of doing shit for other people. IT WAS TIME TO DO WHAT HE WANTED FOR A CHANGE. He feels so liberated. See you tonight. Hoping you’ll sign my book “To Amy: Knock-knock motherfucker. Best, Jenny”

    Amy Mac recently posted Words I Live (or, My iPhone Auto-correct Epiphany).

  70. THIS is why I should have been reading you 5 years ago. This is why I’ll probably spend all day reading your archives.

    dysfunctional mom recently posted These are my confessions....

  71. WAIT! I got one! The little engine that could’ve had a V8!!

    dysfunctional mom recently posted These are my confessions....

  72. 72

    Working past my fear of driving in Atlanta just for you.

  73. I’ve never ever wanted to be in Atlanta more in my whole life. I wish Cedar Rapids IA was cooler. Although it did make it on The West Wing a couple times. Do you have any Pop-tarts? I’d prefer raspberry, but beggars can’t be choosers. Although that’s probably how they got to be beggars; they made wrong choices. Is that irony?

  74. The little engine that made me spray coffee out of my nose, even though I’ve been here enough times and should have known it was coming. Or at least that “it was an option.”


    Suburban Kamikaze recently posted Coming attractions....

  75. The little engine that didn’t give a shit. Because he was apparently to cool for it. So instead he grew facial hair and wrote angry poetry about why he wont do it. SPOILER ALERT… He refused to listen to The Man.

    Valerie recently posted Tales from The Road (with a badass battle axe in the trunk).

  76. The little engine that… meh.

    Damn it – I just left Atlanta last night. I would have come to see you. Swear.

    Megan recently posted Swimming Pools.

  77. You have an awesome fan base. And I am one of them. The silent type.

  78. The little engine that couldn’t but had a famous father so the over-privileged little fucker got by just fine.

    Michelle recently posted Dickie the Wonder Turtle.

  79. If you hear something late at night…just don’t ask the little engine what it was. He doesn’t want to talk about it.

    Nice reference. Come to Missouri.

  80. 80

    Alas–you aren’t going to be close enough to Chapel Hill for me to come see you…maybe next tour! ;^)

  81. Why didn’t he just wait for a bigger train!!! Ha!

    Next up: “The boy who cried ____________” please.

    Korinthia Klein recently posted Mother's Day and Movies.

  82. Movie trailer: “In a world of can’t, one engine believed it could. Starring Paul Giamatti.”

    Pablo Andreu recently posted Man Microwaves Absolutely Perfect Bag Of Popcorn.

  83. Oh how I wish you were coming to Canada.

    Amanda recently posted who wants a postcard?.

  84. I read part of your book in a coffee shop, which is a really bad plan because I was trying, unsuccessfully, to keep from laughing out loud. At the part when you went to the ag barn, I did an honest to goodness spit-take and sprayed mocha all over the book and the lady across from me. I had to leave then. But it was so worth it because it is such a great book!

  85. lol you are so hilarious. always a nice pick me up reading your blog.

    Rachelle recently posted Mother's Day and Baby Genius.

  86. Please, please, please go eat at the Raging Burrito while you’re there so I can live vicariously through you. I have not had Raging Burrito in the 8 looooong years since I moved from Atlanta. I miss it. So much.

    And Saturday, I’ll get to see you in Gaithersburg! I’m all kinds of excited. This is right up there with the year my mom had balloons delivered for me on my birthday AND got me a puppy! I would apologize in advance for any embarrassing things that may come out of my mouth when I meet you, but I know you understand that you can’t always control what comes out of your mouth in social situations. Btw, the scar under my nose? Totally from that time I was attacked by a serial killer…

    I don’t know when you’re getting into Gaithersburg, but The Original Pancake House is right down the road from the book festival. Best breakfast EVER on the face of the planet. Coincidentally, there’s also one in Atlanta, but not nearly as easy to get to.

    And yes, I relate all cities to food.

    Rachel recently posted I guess that puts me in my place.

  87. Coming! Dragging my hippopotamus shaped self down there tonight! So excited you’re here!

    Cassondra recently posted Pregnancy advice, not like most of you care.

  88. I had the WORST DAY EVER yesterday, that resulted in an emotional breakdown at work. But not because i’m crazy (although I am, as is most people on here, but we all knew that already), but because I had a 5 month emotional overload and it exploded out of my face. As I was up last night trying to recoup this would have been a perfect exercise for me to clear my head! Too bad this came 5 or so hours too late. But that’s ok, because it still made me smile and giggle for the first time in almost 24 hours. So thank you for being as insane as the rest of us!

    Stephanie H recently posted The Sickly Herbivore.

  89. Creativity rears it’s head at the most unusual times.

    Kaitlyn recently posted Feedback!.

  90. The Little Engine that drives up to people’s front doors and goes “Toot Toot Mother Fuckers!” HA!

    SOOO excited to see you tomorrow in Concord, NC. Traffic is going to suck, it’s a race weekend so the Nascar redneck freaks will be out to play but I’m spending the afternoon either in the mall or hanging in the bookstore until book signing time! I even have a metal rooster for you to sign, her name is Lindsay Lohan b/c she likes the drinky drinky just a lil too much.

    karen recently posted Wordless Wednesday.

  91. Your mind is epic. I love it! Mother-fucking engine.

    Nicky recently posted Day/Night of a Stage Carpenter.

  92. I can not believe you are in my area and I can’t make it there! I have to go to my daughter’s Beta Club induction. Stupid parenting priorities. Why must I always be so responsible? Probably because I am a little worried that my daughter is smart enough to be an evil genius if I don’t watch her.

    Rixie4 recently posted Let's Stop Pretending.

  93. It’s always on a sleepless night that the BEST ideas/thoughts/delusions come to mind. Always.

    NewOldFashioned recently posted Generation Gaps.

  94. Where have I been? I JUST NOW found out about “The Boggess.” It’s my kind of humor: smart, a little silly.

  95. What about the little engine that smoked too much pot and then forgot WHAT he did?

    Melissa Kauffold recently posted Eggs, Eggs, and more Eggs..

  96. “The little engine that isn’t even applying herself.”

    Ugh, sounds like a book my mom would have written about me. Anytime I didn’t please her she said it was because “You’re just not applying yourself! You have so much potential!”

    Time to go back to a therapist.

    NewMommyConfessions (@NewMommyConfess) recently posted Keeping Daddy Involved When He's Not Home - Deployment Survival Techniques.

  97. So very, very bummed that I will miss you tonight. I would drive the hour and a half to get there in a heartbeat. But I can’t see worth shit in the dark, so I would die on the way home, leaving three bad little boys motherless. Why couldn’t you just come on the weekend when I could have stayed at my sister’s??? Totally thoughtless…… 😉

  98. The poor engine with an STD… can’t wait for Thursday and Charlotte!

    Karen Sanders recently posted A Meeting of the Minds.

  99. I’m totes gonna write “The Little Engine Who Just Doesn’t Give a Shit” and give you a co-author credit. Then you can be a Twice best-selling author!!! You’re welcome.

    GurlNxtDoor recently posted X is for XBOX360 and why I prefer my Playstation.

  100. The little engine that got blackout drunk, and woke up in bed with a subway train.

    Jillian recently posted Awkward Giraffe.

  101. I am so excited that you are finally in my city and that I get to see you in person tonight!!!! Thank you, thank you, thank you for coming!

  102. The Little Engine That Woulda Been Perfectly Happy To Wait For You In The Minneaapolis Train Yard IF You Ever Bothered To Come To Minnesota

    I’ll admit it. I’m just jealous of the other cities.

    sj recently posted NO MORE GAY FRIENDS.

  103. See you tonight! I’m bringing your socially mal-adjusted best friend, too!

  104. Love them!!!

  105. an awesome rerun post would be the one with your anniversary and the epic popcorn fight. Seriously, that one made me laugh so hard I think I peed a little.

    cassie recently posted why I enjoy sleep.

  106. I’m glad this one got out of the Archives for a second lease of life!
    How about…
    The Little Engine that couldn’t because he was suffering from size anxiety.
    The Little Engine that should just get it done already.
    The Little Engine that could. But didn’t. Doing us all a favour in the process.

    Claire J recently posted Broken.

  107. 107
    Keaven Neely

    Loving all the reruns… and I”LL SEE YOU IN A FEW SHORT HOURS! I’ll be the short one with the red hair and huge dress on! See ya there! I’m leaving Nashville NOW!

  108. How about this: The little engine that had to because his parents cut him off.

    Dana the Biped recently posted Third Time's the Charm, Right? Right???.

  109. I had a dream last night that I was making cupcakes.

    Angela recently posted Defying the Odds.

  110. I think this list is very informative on all the different aliases of one engine… A many ?

    MangoChutney recently posted A Blog Dare.

  111. Just wanted to let you know that you may want to post a warning with your book. DO NOT READ WHEN YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE DOING SOMETHING IMPORTANT, like proctoring an exam. I about had an aneurysm trying to not laugh out loud and had to stop reading.

  112. THAT little engine is going to be our ticket out of town during the zombie apocolypse so he better get his goddamn act together!

  113. I know one Carrie the Cannibalistic Nerd that is probably jumping out of her skin with excitement to see you today. Tell her I said, “yo girl, what up?” I’m kinda gangsta that way.

    Oh, and I would read every one of those sequels. To my kids. At bedtime.

    Told you I was gangsta.

    Misty recently posted Happy Happy Joy Joy.

  114. 114
    Black-Eyed Susan

    You’ve been in my mind all day and I get re-runs?? Wait, before you think I’m all stalkerish, let me explain.

    I am an American living in a charming and cozy city in England. We love it or we did until I decided I just had the more whimsical UK cover of your book than doing what any sane person would have done and ordered the basic grey cover and had it sent to my parent’s US address.

    But noooo, the geek in me could only accept the alternate cover. So I go to all three non-corporate owned book stores and nothing. Thinking it was me, I used my blackberry to check the release date and finding it was indeed out, I headed back to the biggest, most cram-packed book-store in the town.

    Having asked the other clerk if it was in stock and being told no, I politely told the nice old lady behind the till the title, author and that I wished to order it. She dutifully pecked away at the keys for several minutes and if you haven’t been in UK shops of late or you know, ever, they are doll-housed size to anyone who grew up in the land of plentiful super-stores. So I squeezed against the counter, who I named Buck seeing how we became quite intimately acquainted as new customers entered and others left.

    After having my private bubble uncomfortably invaded by a seemingly endless stream of strangers, I was offered the wrong book by the wrong author. I corrected her and for some reason, thinking it would be helpful, explained it was the one with the dead-mouse and Burton-esque tree on the cover. It was in fact not helpful. Her eyes became comically large behind her large wire-rimmed glasses, and she asked with a little laugh, ‘A dead mouse dear?’

    With a laugh of my own, I explained, “It’s dressed as Hamlet, not you know, all road kill-squishy.’ It was at that point my husband headed outside and all the strangers that had passed were looking at me like they thought I might have given them cooties.

    Freed from the restraints that come from shopping with one’s husband, I batted my eyes innocently and leaned forward as though taking her in my confidence, “In America everyone has ethically taxidermy animals now-a-days. It’s recycling chic and there’s a fortune being made in crafting all these cute little outfits for them to wear. The book includes all the patterns you need to make Shakespearean costumes for your own unliving-dead-pets. I really need an Puck costume for this adorable little dormouse I found at auction in Tattersalls….”

    Before I could take my on-the-fly-lie any further, she interrupted with the correct information and after giving her my mobile number, I was free to go in relatively short order. I can’t wait for it to arrive!!

  115. YES, the day has finally come! BestGalPal and I will be there tonight. Very! very! excited!

    Stacy @ Stacyverb recently posted Budget Bytes vegetable tian.

  116. 116

    The little engine that didn’t want to bother and just called in sick instead.

  117. Welcome to the ATL, woman!

  118. The little engine who got over the first hill in a book that took way too much time doing it, then noticed the next hill that came after the first hill, and the second hill was like, twice as high, so the little engine was like: f*** this shit. And so he went home. And smoked some weed.

    The End.

  119. 119

    after seeing all the comments from people that will be attending tonight, i am really nervous about going. borderline terrified even. i’m trying though…

  120. You are hilarious! I love that I found your blog. The Little Engine that Could was my favorite children’s book. I read it to my daughter when I was pregnant with her. I wish I had had your variations to keep me interested. It’s kind of a boring book. Also, I talked to my husband in my sleep last night about dandelions.

  121. How about “The little engine that had an inferiority complex because he was called little all the time and so when it came time to try he just made up excuses like, ‘I forgot a condom’ or ‘I was in the pool and it was really cold’ or ‘I’m saving myself for train marriage’.”

    TheRealBarman recently posted Fucking With Drunk People.

  122. Some advice to all my Hot-Lanta (and every other city on the Tour de Jenny) peeps: leave for the bookstore at least 3 hours before the Jenny-fun is scheduled to begin. This advice comes from experience; I left early for the signing here in Austin and although all the chairs were full, I was lucky enough to get one of the last pieces of floor big enough to sit on. There will probably be a bazillion people at the signing, everyone of them as excited and as twisted as you are. It’s gonna be crowded, but it’s also gonna be major fun!

    You’re still reading? Leave, already!

    Jami recently posted Going for a record.

  123. 123
    E M Foster

    Damn Jenny. I love your brain!! You’re brain is so awesome that even a brain eating zombie would say, “Jenny’s brain? No, man, her brain is too awesome to be consumed! It must be preserved!” 😀

  124. 124
    Susan D.

    The little engine *who* cross-dressed as an 18 wheeler.

    The little engine who woke up feeling old and said, “Just let somebody else do it, okay?”

    The little engine who ran over Nathan Fillion.

    The little engine who didn’t know how to collate paper.

  125. The little engine that clicks “hide” every time you post to facebook.

    The little engine that forgot his password and now has to create a new account to use the site.

    The little engine that overslept.

    The little engine that should’ve remembered that that thing was….

    Kelly at Cibatarian recently posted Thorry, I hath a thickg. I hath to bwowl my nothd..

  126. Sorry to my temp. bosses for hysterically laughing outloud, in a silent private equity office, my thrid day on the job….this is phenomenal. I agree with E M Forster. Your brain is AWESOME! How does it work so damn well?!

  127. What about the Little Engine who wanted you to come to Seattle?

  128. Wow, other people are playing this game so I wanna play.

    The little engine that could and did and was a hero.

    Then he got hooked on smack and wound up in rehab and we all cheered for him because then he was the little engine that kicked smack only to get hooked on pain pills after back surgery when he hurt himself while becoming the little engine that could.

    Then he started partying, got arrested for drunken training and went back to rehab and is on probation.

    Being a celebrity is tough you know.

    Smokeynall recently posted I DON'T LIKE CHANGE!!!.

  129. One more Atlanta girl who is going to try and make it. Have a great signing!

  130. Two best:
    The little engine that did and then found out it was overrated and then got disillusioned with life and stopped showering.

    The little engine that died from overexertion and later his parents were all “WHY? Why didn’t he just wait for a bigger train?” And no one had an answer.

    Next stop on Jenny’s tour….Ann Arbor, MI!! (and the crowd goes wild…)

  131. See ya tonight!

  132. Just found out that you are going to be on the Bob & Sheri show tomorrow – this relieves me mightily as I can’t come to Charlotte to see you tomorrow so at least I can listen to you!

    Gigi recently posted The Merry, Merry Month of May (.....or as I like to call it The Month of Mayhem).

  133. These are great follow-ups. I liked the ‘Pretty High’ remark. It made me realize how a creative mind works sometimes… Good luck in Ga.
    // Jan

    JanB recently posted Advertising PEOPLE are the new Medium.

  134. The Little Engine turned 56 and said fuck it.

    hogsatemysister recently posted New Eyes and Old Sighs at 56.

  135. The little engine that derailed on Bold St Bridge.

    Oh wait, that’s a Sydney joke and no one will get it.

    Also, it was kind of a terrible disaster in the 70s so isn’t even funny. Sorry. I shouldn’t post it.

    But I was right at Bold St Bridge when I read this post and it made me chuckle… Damned engine. Always getting me in trouble.

  136. 136

    I just saw that you are coming to NJ!!! I’m really afraid of crowds, but I think I might have to brave it to get to meet you…lol

    I will probably drag my poor husband too…

    ps. your little engine ideas rock… I nearly wet myself laughing

  137. douche canoe..heh heh…I LOVE that! Damn you little engine…damn you all…tuh…hell…LOL

    Mod Mom Beyond IndieDom recently posted Top 10 Songs I Can't Listen To Without A Box Of Tissues Now That I'm A Parent.

  138. The little engine that became a tractor and is no longer welcome at family reunions. But he works on an organic farm and is doing fine.

    I agree, these need to be made into a book – a collection of short stories. And illustrations, it really needs illustrations.

    caitlinstern recently posted You Drive Me Crazy.

  139. Crazy, but awesome. Or maybe crazy AND awesome. Or maybe crazy-awesome. Much like yourself.

  140. Cleveland! Columbus! Pittsburgh! I need some Zombie education!

    Sarah recently posted Liar,liar,.... you know the rest..

  141. I didn’t read your blog back then, so these are all wonderfully new to me and I love them. “I’ve wasted my life.” My day just improved.

    Theresa recently posted NBA Playoffs.

  142. Thank you for braving the huge ATL crowd — we loved you so much!! Also, I am so excited to have a picture with you, thank you for making today epic!

  143. Ha! The Little Overfuckingachieving Engine That Spent a Lot of Time in Therapy

    Monica recently posted A Three Year Old Lilyhammer. OR Where did I go wrong?.

  144. Even depressed you make me laugh.

    Corey Feldman recently posted Third update re: recent downturn with depression and anxiety.

  145. Just back from the Atlanta signing. That was some kind of packed. But still awesome–thank you! (and so glad to see Copernicus could come along)

  146. OH my….I laughed until I cried! I needed that after the day I had!


  147. It was SO good to see you in Atlanta! And thanks for actually signing the book saying that I’m awesome. Pretty sure the klonopin wrote that part for me. 🙂 And seriously though, Copernicus all up close and personal? Fucking precious.

    Tiffany recently posted Let's pretend the panic part didn't happen..

  148. 148

    Your visit to Atlanta was AWESOME! I laughed so hard I cried and almost peed myself. Even my boyfriend had a chuckle. Thanks for bringing Copernicus along with you 🙂

  149. 149

    Woohoo made it to the signing !! But couldn’t stay to get anything signed because of my broken back !! Damn my crooked spine !!!! But you were fantabulous (yeah it’s a word) I was wayyyyyyy in the back and was laughing probably inappropriately at times Screw it blame it on the pain meds LOL

  150. HAHAHA! This might put me in the not-mom-enough hall of fame, but I’ve always hated that book!

    Cheryl D. recently posted Zoinks! A Hollywood Premiere!.

  151. Thank you again for signing my books. One of them was for my MIL; when reading the story about meeting Victor’s parents and couch etiquette, I was totally reminded of her. I bought her the book so maybe she won’t think I’m so VERY strange after all. It could be worse – I could sit on her cushions. ^_^

    (I’m mostly kidding – she loves me, but she thinks her son and I are strange people, because they are very Catholic and white bread, and he and I are very…goth. It makes family dinners very interesting.)

  152. Are you coming to Seattle? This is another wonderfully weird city that would adore and appreciate you.

    Katrina recently posted Pacific Northwest at its best.

  153. You signed my friend’s lovely boob last night and inscribed a book to “douche canoe” for me. Love you Bloggess. You SO ROCK! Keep on a rockin’! Don’t stop the rockin’!

  154. 154

    It was soooo awesome to see you yesterday!! You are so funny, and very very nice, and Copernicus was awesome! Thanks for the pictures and signing my book and for coming to Atlanta!!

  155. The little engine who thought he knew everything only to find out that he wasn’t wearing pants.

  156. The little engine that did but then someone else got the credit.

    The little engine that would (do anything for the right price)

    Thelittle engine that thought about it but then realized “What the hell? According to the Mayans the world is going to end soon anyway”

    I could go on forever. Thanks for the motivation.

  157. FAB-U-LOUS. I almost didn’t go to the Atlanta signing last night because my RA is flaring and I hurt like a #$@!!er and the RA website was all “maintain an active social life” like I need THAT glitter-shitter website but anyway, my friend and I went, bought the book, and I’m sooooo glad I rallied long enough to be there. Thanks!!!! There are tons of medicines that are better than laughter (Prozac? Tramadol? Yes, please!) but it’s still a pretty damn good one.

  158. 158

    I love you but I have to call shenanigans ~ “douche canoe” is a modern turn of phrase and was not around 5 years ago. So this is an edited version of a 5-year-old post.

    Otherwise, rock on.

  159. 159
    Mary I'mPolish, soI'llapologizeinadvance

    I laughed so hard that my 12 year-old son asked what was so funny and I had to think fast and say, “A web site I love, but you can’t read it It’s not appropriate for you.” Because, no matter how much I love the phrase, I don’t want him going around calling people “douch canoe.” I can only imagine the calls I’d get from school.

    Also? You left out, “The Little Engine who turned left at Albuquerque when he should have turned right and ended up in Mexico. And they wouldn’t let him back in the United States because they thought he was transporting illegal aliens.”

  160. Thank you so much for signing my book! You rocked the house, it was awesome!

  161. 161

    Amazing. : )

    I was recently talking about making parodies of children stories, including The Little Engine that Could!

  162. 162
    Kent Faver

    Little engine got no reason to live. He’s got little wheels and little bitty stack.

    Randy Newman

  163. “The little engine that tried to do it but couldn’t and then later he found out that when he was born they weren’t sure if he was a train or a tractor so the doctor just made him into a train because that was easier but turns out? Totally a tractor.”

    I <3 this one.

  164. The little engine who could…but got high instead.

    Melissa recently posted Victory is mine!.

  165. 165
    Post-it police

    I’m guessing you don’t get to “re-gift” much.

  166. I SAW YOU IN ATLANTA! And so did 300 billionty other people AND I WAS SO EXCITED I FORGOT TO TAKE A PICTURE. This is what happens to line jumpers though (seriously, still best use of children, what’s up having twins and getting to cut in front of people FOR NO REASON EVER). They babble like crazy people and once they walk away they realize their poor friend didn’t even get in two words and that friend should have stabbed me like crazy and that I forgot to take a picture. I suck and you’re awesome. 😀

  167. The Little Engine that thought everyone thought he was awesome and then realized everyone just tolerated him because they didn’t want him to go into one of his crazy fits.

    Vicky recently posted Hosting summer parties.

  168. How about, the little engine that had a life but because of the economy had to find a new job to support her family, and like her credit is damaged and they took everything she had, her husband ran away with the house keeper, became a prostitute and now has no one else to talk but to her cigarette.
    These are Interesting lines here, brilliant.

    ryan@fargei recently posted Hemorrhoids and Common Sense.

  169. The little engine who said he would because everyone thought he should, but really he just wanted to sit home and eat potato chips on the couch while watching Smallville reruns.

  170. 170
    team francoeiros

    the little engine that delivered pizzas until he was 29, and then got a dui and realized he had no other life skills…

  171. THANK YOU for saying
    The little engine that couldn’t care less!

    It’s a major pet peeve of mine when people say “could care less.” I mean, if they could care less why even talk about it all?

  172. 172
    IGotBupkis, Poking Fun At President Downgrade For 4 Years and Counting...

    the little engine that delivered pizzas because, despite being exceptional at his trained and college-educated ability, it’s become impossible to get a professional job when you’re over 50.

  173. My sister and I are now adding Douche Canoe to our lexicon of epithets. 😀

    Morraha recently posted Because, you never know when an alien is going to try to get into your brain via nasal passageways..

  174. I just read this again and it caused joy-that i haven’t felt today. Thank you.

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