me: When I die I want you to put me in a Wonder Woman outfit and toss me out of a moving plane. That way when I hit the ground people will assume that Wonder Woman’s invisible plane crashed. And that Wonder Woman really let herself go.
Victor: But where would her plane be?
me: Duh. Her invisible plane was invisible.
Victor: Invisible. Not non-existent.
me: Yes, well then whenever people tripped over nothing they could blame it on debris from my plane crash. And there’s my little slice of immortality.
Victor: I don’t even know where to begin.
me: Begin by finding a Wonder Woman outfit in a size 14.
Victor: I’m not going to do that.
me: I can fit into a 12 if necessary. I’ll be dead so you can shave off part of my butt if you need to.
Victor: It’s not a size issue. I’m just not going to do that.
me: Fine. Then I’m not going to bury you. I’ll just leave you out in the lawn in a Batman costume. You’ll just look like Batman had a heart attack while picking weeds out of the flowerbed. Way to ruin Batman, asshole.
Victor: I don’t even feel safe in this house anymore.
me: The death of Batman will do that to you.
266 thoughts on “When I'm dead”
Read comments below or add one.
Hm. I see you more as Catwoman than Wonder Woman.
More of a threat would have been to put him in the wonder woman costume
I have a feeling there’s an Avenger’s joke in here somewhere…
Oh Victor, you just don’t get it sometimes…
“Victor: I don’t even feel safe in this house anymore.
me: The death of Batman will do that to you. ”
People are staring at me while I laugh. Lmao.
Ha! I would like a wonder woman outfit as well. Thank you.
Okay, so I just checked with my husband, and the *new* Justice League Wonder Woman actually flies, so no need to worry about the jet. It’s obsolete.
WOW! Okay… Soooooo I told Mr. Amazing I wanted to be cremated and put in a bubble gum machine… so everyone could get a quarters worth… and scatter me to all four corners… cause no one wants to risk this shit coming back… and … apparently he thinks bone fragments will jam the machine… but really… it was his only argument.
When I die I want a rumor to be spread that my body went missing after I was buried. Hopefully my bereaved family members will get paid for interviews about how the government stole my body because I really WAS half-Martian.
If I can’t leave them a lot of money, I can leave them a means to get some.
Victor needs to get his priorities straight. What would people say seeing Batman dead from weed-caused heart attack?
I needed this today. Cheered me right up. Thanks.
This makes me seriously reconsider my personal burial wishes. Mine just seem so boring. I’ve always fancied Under Dog….
Here I wanted a Viking’s funeral, but you win. BEST BURIAL EVER.
We could have a whole new Avengers movie that went into the whole death of Wonder Woman via invisible plane crash! Then THEY can trip over the wreckage every few minutes too. $1 billion more, here we come!
This is pure awesome. We can not wait to see you in Atlanta wed.
I can make you a Wonder Woman in a size 14, and this weekend I even found the cuff in real live metal and was trying to figure out a legitimate reason to spend $40 for cuffs when I don’t have the wonder woman costume made yet.
Thank you for supplying my official reason!
I’ve made my children promise me that they will change my outfit between visitation and the service. I mean, what woman wears the same outfit two days in a row? I’ve also suggested that they just put my head on a mannequin body – after all, I don’t have to be cubby in the great beyond, do I? Why can’t I be buried looking like Pam Anderson????
My mom has made me promise to put her in her casket wearing a sexy lingerie. But only if she is past age 60 or gains A LOT of weight.
If necessary I will find a Wonder Woman outfit and donate it to the cause. It’s a very worthy cause after all.
I’m not so sure her plane hasn’t crashed already, Jenny. I trip over invisible shit all the time.
Put him next to Beyoncé!!!
Oh, thank you for this. You should win a prize for such a great idea. I’m not sure if there’s a prize available for “best funeral ever”, but if not, someone should work on that.
Shit. Now I feel like I need to come up with a really cool way to be buried.
Dress him as a Wonder Twin with his arm outstretched and put a pail of water at the end of it.
You are just awesome…now I think I should dress as Batman when you come to Chicago.
I have tattoos on the inside of both wrists and was asked by a *very* drunk man what they do when I click them together… I need to find the outfit and locate him. I shall take video.
Bwahaha! Yes, you’d make a fantastic Wonder Woman!!!! Omg Victor, stop being a pussy! Batman isn’t!
This is excellent news. I am not just clumsy, there is just a lot of invisible debris laying about.
I can provide Wonder Woman’s bracelets. That whole thing about them being made from Athena’s shield is a load of bunk. All you need is a toilet paper cardboard roll, cut in half, and some aluminum foil. Seriously. That’s all they are. Have Victor call me.
And Batman is totally an asshole.
I want to have a dinner party with you guys. BEST conversations ever.
i would rob your body from your grave to make that happen for you. ok not really, but it would make for a crazy adventure 😀 also, victor, you would deny jenny her shot at immortality? for shame… for shame… >:(
This made my day!
Hey, could Victor please drop you in the proximity of my house so when my kids and husband are demanding of me, I can respond to their request with, “Nope, can’t. That is EXACTLY what was the downfall of Wonder Woman. Go look at her in the backyard and see for yourself.”
If you put it in your will and say please, Victor has to do it. It will be law and Batman always follows the law.
Victor really should be used to this by now.
Laughing so hard my laughter is invisible and soundless. Can’t breathe. If I find the suit in size 14 I’ll send it to you. We WW have to stick together.
As someone who’s watched too much Super Friends cartoons, you’ll need to also have Aquaman with you in the field because she’s always giving him a ride in her invisible plane. That could be Victor is Hailey is old and big enough to lug you both around when the time comes..
I can’t believe that he won’t honor your last wish! How selfish of him.
And obviously Wonder Woman jumped from her plane with an invisible parachute, but the parachute was inoperable, and so you plummeted to your death. Duh!
Um – possible flaw in yr cunning plan – you’d swell after death as you ‘went off’ and not fit into a 14… wait, can Victor have you embalmed first? That will work. God, i don’t believe i typed that. Glad to see yr still a bad influence on me 🙂
My mother bought me an insurance policy/funeral as gift. I’m 31 & single. I asked if they could ice down my coffin and fill it with drinks and snacks, because people get tend to get a little hungry when they are sad. They are “looking into it” .
Clumsy people could really use an excuse like that.
Well at least when he is bones it would make for an awesome haloween/haunted house. You’ll be like “Oh don’t mind him that’s just Richard, he’s harmless.”
I love, love, love the convos you and Victor have. 😀
and Wonder Woman would be the perfect alias for you. I will find you a costume! 🙂
Oh thank you for this.
It makes my conversations in the morning seem almost sane. Almost.
I now want to put Preacher in a Wonder Woman costume … people would be like: “I knew it.”
Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. Need to put this in my will.
Don’t put him NEXT to Beyonce, put him in a Batman costume sat ON Beyonce. Batman died riding a giant metal chicken. Explain THAT Marvel.
I always wanted to be wonder woman! SO I love your idea!!!!!
EEP! When I Graduate *in 4 weeks* I will be sporting a Tiara under my Pointy Chef Hat! And when I walk across the stage I’ll whip of the hat and be all: BAM! I am the Princess of Pastry! I’ll also be wearing a Super Hero shirt under my Chef Jacket and I want to rip it open and be all: BAM! Not ONLY am I the Princess of Pastry I am the Super Hero of Culinary! Beat that! 😀
I know that has nothing to do with dying and being thrown out of a plane. But its pretty damn cool! I’ll bring Beyonce with me and carry her on my shoulder….NOOOOO! Ontop of my Chef HAT! Awesome!
Wonder Woman’s invisible plane was totally cool. And I think more people should be buried in costume. Why not? Liven up those funerals. Maybe more theme funerals, too. Everybody could come in costume.
oops DC Comics not Marvel! Way to get your superheroes mixed up!
Send Victor this link. Lots to choose from 🙂
You realize they make wonder woman underoos, right? Well, they aren’t proper underoos for adults…but they might as well be because that’s what I call them. 😀 Ordered them WebUndies.com and wear them under my clothes when I feel the need to kick a little bootie. And they not only come in size 14, but even larger!
My wife and I have a similar deal, only she’s going to dress me up as Santa Claus and leave me upside down in a chimney.
Inspired by your post, I started to ask my husband to dress my body as Harley Quinn, and to position me doing something exciting, anarchistic and mildly obscene. No one would fall for it. They would just assume some old Joker was pulling a prank.
I used to tell my friends that if I died young, I wanted them to spread a bunch of creepy stories about my grave and spirits and what not so that kids for the next 100 years would come to my grave and visit me.
The best burial suggestion I’ve ever heard comes from an old episode of Dr. Katz. It involved being cremated and then having people throw your ashes at people you didn’t like while you were alive.
Be careful what you wish for, your body could be found in that Wonder Woman costume, taken to a taxidermist, and you might find yourself turned into a life sized action figure! ((oo))
Of course if you could gain a shit ton of wait and work your way up to a size 22, this would be ideal. http://www.simonwalkerphotos.com/Jokes/Wonder%20Woman.jpg
Somewhere, an enterprising funeral director is adding this to his list of available services.
I seriously need to write more about nothing and make it seem like something (not a bitchy criticism, just pure jealousy about your skills).
Can I have your golden super powered rope?
hey, at least you aren’t dressing him up as Robin, that he would die pulling weeds would be too expected.
Thanks for an awesome start to my day. LMAO
Best comments ever, I love the idea of changing outfits between the visitation and the funeral and the bubble gum/ashes dispenser! And the Wonder Twin idea, awesome!
I’m planning to do a jazz funeral with music, a parade, and hankies. Now I just need to figure out my outfit, even though the parade would call for sequins… having scratchy-itchy things poking me for eternity doesn’t sound very festive.
I love your sense of humor. Be my friend?
I can see the headlines now. “Wonder Woman dies in horrendous plane crash, we assume. Death of Batman surprisingly mundane.”
The imagery in this post is blowing my mind. Thanks for the laugh!
Just finished the book, and of course Loved It! But am stuck with two thoughts I feel the need to address:
1. I always imagined Victor as Hispanic and it sort of upsets me that he’s not because I had totally cast Benjamin Bratt to play him the movie that runs in my head. But now that I think of it, with a last name like Bratt, is HE even really Hispanic? (Checking Internet) Yes, good, Victor was supposed to be 2nd generation Peruvian immigrant. Can you fix that?
2. Do you seriously think of the 1978 Andrew Gold #25 classic, Thank You For Being A Friend, as the theme song to the Golden Girls?
You know…. rather than what it is … the 1978 Andrew Gold #25 in the Top 100 Classic?
I bet that’s why Dick Clark died the week the book came out. Dude, you killed Dick Clark. But I’m sure it was it was totally an accident.
Victor – 12
The Bloggess – 5,891,609
I told my hubs that I’d have him stuffed and will put him on the couch in front of the TV with the remote in his hand and that no one will ever even know he died because nothing will have changed.
Hey, I got your book purchased at our library AND it came up in the online DearReader database as a HOT title so I of course added it as a selection to our online book club. Your totally welcome for helping to grow your fame amongst people at the public libray who want shit for free.
OMG – This is Perfect! My hubby has been trying to figure out where I should scatter his ashes and I think over the lawn to fertilize (you know, because the grass would really grow with all the extra BS), but now I think throwing his body out of a plane dressed as the Incredible Hulk that changed in mid-air is SO MUCH BETTER!
My plan is death, cremation, ashes into disposable salt shakers so that I can be spread far and wide. or be a sick practical joke… either way… matters not… I’ll be dead.
A: You know you’re a total geek chick when one of the first things you think when reading comments is, “Avengers is Marvel, Batman is DC.”
B: It’s would even better if you dressed your hubby as Robin.
C: Now I have to think of what I want done with my body when I die. Cremation is good, but I think I’d much rather arrange to somehow be blown up. That’s way I could go out with a bang & it would really make an impact with people. I’ll be here all week.. don’t forget to tip your waitress.
PS: I didn’t sleep last night, so I blame that for my ramblings.
It’s so great that we live so close to each other. Victor and Brian would totally be rolling their eyes at us while we plotted and made notes for new book chapters over dinner. Great stuff. BTW – I found a size 12 Wonder Woman costume at WalMart last year after Halloween and bought it on a whim – karma? It’s all yours.
A seriously good idea. Though here’s hoping you live a very long life, because the world is simply better with you in it!
Hmmm, I never gave it much thought until now, but what we were when we’re buried is what our zombie outfit will be during the apocalypse. I’m loving the Wonder Woman for you. Now I have to come up with something equally interesting for me. After all, I want to make a statement as a zombie! I want people to go, “oh damn, I’m getting my brains eaten by this chick in BLANK outfit.” Not sure if I want to go funny or really super scary so I can get a rep as a badass zombie. 🙂
Laughing so loud at shaving off part of your butt to fit into a 12 – just scared the dog!
I totally want part of my butt shaved off but I don’t know if I can wait until I die….
This butt shaving. Why must it wait until death? And since Victor won’t honor your last requests maybe you should just wear a Wonder Woman costume every day, just.in.case.
I’m sorry to tell you but no one would buy that Victor was Batman. Batman totally has servants to pull his weeds.
You could do Superman – he was a newspaper reporter.
We have conversations kind of like that at my house. Only when I tell other people about them, they just get worried looks in their eyes. I don’t understand it, I really don’t.
I want my husband to smuggle my body into an abbatoir, then called Greenpeace who will insist that the abbatoir is shut down. My contribution to helping the animal kingdom.
That is awesome. I was just talking about WW and her plane the other day. About how I always thought it looked ridiculous to see Wonder Woman sitting in the invisible plane. Shouldn’t it have been like an invisible cape – you can’t see her when she’s in the plane? I mean, how silly to see a seated person floating around in the sky. Anyway, that’s what I was thinking back when The Justice League was on Saturday mornings.
But that’s not really what this post was about, is it? Oh dear.
Surely Victor can see the benefit, you wont be asking him “Does my ass look big in this?”
Victor is lucky to have someone so smart in his life….
This is an amazing idea! You’re a genius, and I don’t understand why Victor doesn’t realise this. Imagine all the money you could make off of arranging Super Hero Burials.
“You lived an ordinary life, so let us bury you like a Superhero!”
My funeral request is to have the Thunderbirds music play as the coffin goes along the conveyer into the furnace at the crematorium.
I think a dead woman in a wonder woman outfit falling out of the sky would have to be one of the most hilariously traumatic experiences that one could ever hope to have happen in their life.
I am pretty sure that the foxen shall be the ultimate death of Victor. I think you should have him taxidermied and then when you remarry he can be a constant cautionary tale to your new husband. Or maybe just put him in the Batman costume, put him out with Beyonce and maybe he will ward off the scorpions. It’s worth a try, right?
And if you want to be buried in a WonderWoman costume, I see no reason to deny you that. Put it in your will and then if Victor resists, the most absurd will-contestment hearing known to man will occur. (Because I am pretty sure there will be SOMEONE at the funeral who will pipe up “Why is Jenny NOT in her WonderWoman attire?”)
Also, from now on whenever I do something clumsy, I am totally blaming it on invisible jet crash debris.
O My LMAO!!! I love it!!
I think you and the Coen brothers need to get together to do the next gruesome Steve Buscemi death in whatever movie they’re currently working on. Because putting Steve Buscemi’s “body” in a superhero costume and tossing him out of an airplane is the ONLY possible way the ending of The Big Lebowski could be improved.
I tripped over nothing yesterday. Are you sure Wonder Woman’s invisible plane hasn’t *already* crashed? Or did I just miss the invisible orange cones around the invisible thing I tripped over?
I want a pyre. Maybe. I’m not sure. I’m afraid of burning in fire, but if I’m dead I’m pretty sure I won’t give a damn.
PLEASE can my 250-lb husband lie next to Victor dressed as the Riddler? It will look like Batman defeated the Riddler EVEN WHILE DEAD. Because he’s that awesome. If Victor dies first, I’m happy to kill my husband to make the yard display.
Occasionally, I’m in a room of people having a conversation, and laugh at an inappropriate time.
Sometimes, this is because I laugh inappropriately, due to whatever my brain just gave me.
this time, it’s because of this.
Putting him in a Batman costume is too generous. Maybe Robin. And sprinkle Centrim Silver over the body.
Lol, Victor and you strike again. I can’t believe he was being so uncooperative! It was such a simple request.
Perfect WW pic here and a lovely blog post to go with.
I have a Wonder Woman apron AND a Wonder Woman bathing suit. Let me warn you…I put on the swim suit and looked like Lynda Carter’s freakishly awkward twin from a cheap circus sideshow and it was ever so disappointing. Based on personal experience, I would highly recommend the apron. You could have been baking cookies which caused the crash.
I am personally going to be cremated, and then made into southwestern sand art with a cactus on top, one of those little zen desktop sand gardens with a rake (several maybe since I need to lose weight), or an hourglass egg timer. The last one is probably the most practical.
I snorted and scared the dog.
Venus Envy in Austin has costumes in that size range year-round. No flesh-shaving necessary.
I have been told I have an uneasy relationship with gravity, i.e., I tend to fall a lot. Thanks for explaining what I have been tripping over all my life — bits of Wonder Woman’s invisible airplane. Glad that mystery is solved.
Not to get all comic book geek on you, (it’s my husband’s fault. He wanted to prep me for every single comic book movie that ever came out, like ever!) but Wonder Woman gave up her invisible jet for some big comic book reason to be chopped up into invisible flying wave runners for the rest of her Amazon gal pals to fight some big comic book reason. To make up for taking away WW’s sweet invisible ride, some god or another gave her flight without the need of a jet pack or anything.
The only way your scheme will work is if Victor dresses you up as Wonder Woman, loads you into a giant sling shot in your back yard and catapults you across the county. Less work for him, actually. He only has to walk into the backyard.
For the longest time I’ve been certain that I want to be fossilized, and made into my own headstone. Though, since it wouldn’t be at my head (or, feet, if you want to be technical) maybe it’s just a memorial stone.
Unless they only fossilize my head, and bury the rest of me! that’s the way to go.
But now I’m thinking, as a gift to you and Victor, I should have myself brain-tanned and stuffed, and sent to you for your collection. Or at least for your perusal until you decided whether or not you wanted a taxidermied Romana for your collection.
I will admit that I like costumes, as a selling point.
Here is where you can get your Wonderwoman outfit (and they have a batman one too!). I think it would look fabulous on you.
I feel like Victor is more the Green Lantern or Spiderman anyway.
you’ve got this all wrong
Now if there could just be an explanation as to why I randomly choke on my spit, it will all make sense!
Now I want to be Wonder Woman for Halloween. 🙂
…I didn’t think she needed a plane to fly?
What about Underoos? Will Underoos work? They’re way more stretchy.
When I die I want my ashes to be sprinkled over Nathan Fillion and I want all of my blogging bitches to stand in a circle pouring malt liquor on the ground saying “This one’s for my Homie”; ‘cuz I’m a little gangsta like that.
Thank you, I needed that.
I thought I had recently decided that I wanted to be mummified in a jar of orange blossom honey after death, but this whole Wonder Woman air burial thing is tempting me to change my mind. Only it won’t work at all if we BOTH do it, obviously. Maybe I could be Batgirl? Cassandra Cain Batgirl though, not Barbara Gordon Batgirl. I much prefer Barbara Gordon as Oracle. And I mean old school “All your internetz belong 2 me” Oracle not silly retconned reboot Oracle.
Also my husband should probably push me off a building not a plane. Batgirl doesn’t have an invisible plane.
I totally already have a Batgirl costume, too so my husband wouldn’t even have to buy one. Talk about estate planning!
Dude…my spouse would jump at the chance to use some explosives and create an invisible jet crash site.
You should totally buy Victor a Batman costume for Father’s day!
The problem is that most costumes claim to be a size 10 -14 but actually only fit you if you are a true size 6. I found this out when Husband and I were Fred and Wilma for Halloween. The sewing machine came out for that reconstruction….
I think I want Husband buried in his Fred costume, he made a perfect Fred Flinstone.
I….I… I think I love you. For a beautifully off center mind.
Avengers is Marvel, Wonder Woman is a DC title. Am I the only male nerd that reads this blog?
Thank you. I have been having some issue balancing my anxiety and depression medication. I swear that is the first time I laughed out loud in a week.
Run Victor, Run!!
Come on, you don’t want to shave off part of your badunkadunk!
On another subject altogether (which is really related because somehow with you, everything is), I just read the part of your book about acupuncture. Cracked me up! I receive acupuncture regularly and have tons of friends who are acupuncturists. I want to say in their defense that most acupuncture visits I know of are nothing like that! 42 needles – holy cow!! That’s a log on one visit. And you bled?? Seriously? I’ve never heard of that. What sort of wackadoo were you seeing?
I told you super heroes will fuck with your brain.
I’ve been telling the hubster for years that I want a more archaic, yet traditional style “burial.” He’s to throw an evening bonfire party in the back yard and have me placed on a wood bier that is built over a huge pile of firewood. I’m to be placed in a lounging position with a glass of wine in one hand and a joint in the other on top of the bier before anyone arrives so I can preside over the party. At midnight, he’s to light the fire.
Him: I’m not sure they’ll let me do that inside city limits.
Me: Why would you even ask? It’s not like anyone calls the fire department when something burns around here.
Wow. I think that’s an awesome idea.
ummm…how mad would you be if i just started using the ‘invisible jet debris’ defense re: my consistent tripping over not a damn thing now? i would totally credit you with being the one to point out the issue, plus, you’re not even dead, so, you know, *BONUS*
The only problem here is that I already trip of invisible plane debris, which means someone has already crashed the invisible plane, and whoever it is is a giant dick for not cleaning it up. I bet turtles and seagulls die daily of invisible degree. Asshole.
That is genius.
If you really want to start a controversy, dress as Wonder Woman WEARING PANTS.
“Wonder Woman fell from the sky!”
“No shitbrain, she’s wearing pants. The REAL Wonder Woman doesn’t wear pants.”
The argument will go on and on.
How do you know the things that my husband and I talk about? Are you married to him, too? I’ll KILL him if I find out he’s a bigamist. (His name is Victor as well, so it’s not completely impossible.)
I think if I saw a dead Batman laying on the lawn, I’d just walk past and wave. Sorry Victor
I love your wonderwoman idea!
I am an archaeologist (in Australia) and have seen some weird ass ways people in the past have buried their dead! My plan is to do something really confusing (not costuming, as cloth deteriorates really quickly) but maybe tattoo a map on my back (maybe like a treasure map or something), place coins on my eyes, get someone to bury me head first in a hole and maybe place a boat over my burial in the middle of the desert just to Confuse the next generations of archaeologist out there! But I think that’s just my warped sense of humor! 🙂
Love the blog! You & Victor make me giggle! 🙂
Ha! Cannot wait to see you in Concord on Thursday. You totally have to dress up like Wonder Woman, I hope you know this. LOL!
Your request seems perfectly reasonable to me.
Your other option is to dress up as the girl Wonder Twin with a crumpled up note on you that just says “Zan, whatever you do, don’t trust the monkey.”
That is by far the sexiest postmortem thing that anyone could ever do.
lol. by the way, I just saw your book on the window of the Barnes and Nobles in Brooklyn!
Never have I wanted a “Team Victor” t-shirt more than now!
That just may be the funniest opening ever.
See? And it’s a medium.
@Kerry 🙂 – you just need to get those little plastic containers that hold prizes in gumball machines. then nothing would get jammed!
My plan is to have the family hold a lake-side picnic. Preferably Loch Ness. Just because. Then, after the BBQ but before the cake, they put my carcass in a trebuchet and launch it over the lake and everyone has crossbows and flaming arrows and they shoot at the carcass and whoever hits me gets a nice door prize like a table lamp or an inflatable toilet seat or something. But the arrow has to stick.
My kids are totally on board.
I want to be the superhero of wine. Still making up my costume.
This is so much more palatable than the just-throw-me-down-the-ravine-so-the-coyotes-can-eat-my-body scenario. It’s way more cool than the body farm concept as well. Well done.
How many Wonder Woman outfit offers do you expect to get after this post? If more than one, I’ll take the second one. I’m looking for a good costume to wear next time I have pizza delivered. It’s the small things in life that amuse us graduate students.
Hahaha, oh Victor. Ya know, I might not feel safe in your house either… But I am quite sure I would have the best time ever. 😉
I was in a funk all day what with stupid things and a migraine. But not any more! You magincally made the bad mood go away.
I f-ing love you.
My husband and I went to separate auctions Saturday. After a while he called me and asked if I wanted an antique coffin (knowing full well that I intend to be cremated). Said it was too short for him but I’d probably fit it, at least if they bent my knees or cut off my feet. He hung up on me when I asked if it was used…….
You guys are too much! LOL!!
I’m going to use that excuse next time I trip over “nothing”. The debris could spread from Texas to Seattle right ?
You are so full of awesome.
My plan is to have my body turned into a diamond after I’m dead. And my husband can use the diamond to propose to the next wife — with a CONSTANT REMINDER that I’m haunting them. I’m gonna have to gain a few pounds, though, for a bigger diamond. He’ll need to catch someone good to take care of my kids.
Is it too twisted to say that instead of not burying him and leaving him on the lawn in a Batman costume, that you stuffed him, cloak him w/a black and red, and stick him in the corner?
Never mind, that is too twisted.
Carry on WW.
p.s. make that STUFF HIM, not stuffed him…I should proofread my comments before I post.
The ultimate revenge (or laugh, as the case may be) would of course be to have Victor stuffed and added to your collection 🙂
Leave it to you to make me laugh out loud like a maniac. You make life better.
“Dress him as a Wonder Twin with his arm outstretched and put a pail of water at the end of it.” <—- this was full of win.
I’m sure you could find a Wonder Woman costume in that size with no trouble. Although I’m pretty sure if you fell out of a plane nothing on your person would be recognizable, and your luck you’d fall into a city dump and all that work would have been useless. Make sure the plane flies above a wide open area, but not a pasture, because then you might be eaten by coyotes.
this has nothing to do with this post….I just thought you might need this:
you’re welcome Victor
Well, it sounded like a good plan to me.
I’m ordering Wonder Woman Underoos because I never even thought how easy it would be to order off the internet and I don’t want to wait until I die. I hope they make them in size girls XXXXXL.
Sparky promised to keep me on life support until I whither down to a size 2… Once he’s guaranteed I’ll be a slim corpse, he can pull the plug. And I promised to shoot him in the head if the Zombies attack… We love each other THAT much.
PS – You totally have to make these Wonder Woman shoes! http://madartlab.com/2012/04/18/heels-for-earthbound-superheroines/
We can’t trust Victor. That’s why you should be dressed in a Wonder Woman costume at all times from now on. In case the unthinkable happens.
You’re trying to get Victor arrested, aren’t you? He probably would have gotten away with the unlawful disposal of your body, but you had to write a blog about it… Now he can never do it. Luckily you won’t know about it because you’ll be dead.
How timely, we’ve been having an ongoing argument about my husband’s upcoming funeral. He wants a Viking funeral. You know, where we put him on a boat, set it on fire and send it out into the sea. I figure if I can’t get him to take me on a cruise now, while he’s still alive, then I’ll be DAMNED if I give him a farewell cruise into death.
Like most of what you write out here, I’m not sure how you came to that idea… but, like most of what you write out here, it’s really f*king brilliant.
I love you, and want to be your friend. Because you’re delightful, and also I think It’d be useful to be friends with Wonder Woman.
i don’t suppose ill ever die wasnt created to however if by any stretch of the imagination i did id want to be stuffed wearing a sparkley tu tu and matching points enclosed in one of those shake a snow storm ornimimants witha wind up music box so that i could do pirouettes tto the tune of to the knights in the days of old, of course honky tonk piano sy=tyle on someone specials mantler which there isn’t any one now or mounted in a national park withe a momentomori reading “I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK”
Just want to say that I love Jenny AND all her commenters…I, too, suffer from depression and anxiety, and coming to this site and reading her posts and your comments makes the gray clould lift a bit. Thanks everyone!
they really should make Wonder Woman costumes for bigger girls like us.. cuz wasn’t Wonder Woman about woman power n stuff… doesn’t that mean that she would be all about being proud of who you are .. no matter what size you are?
my logic is undeniable.
This strikes me as a great plan…go for it.
How is this not just common sense?
Why would Victor make you into a transvestite when your dead? That’s just creepy.
Great. Now I’m worried about how fat I’m going to look when I’m dead….. Bitch.
Ohmigod, I so needed a great Jenny & Victor story! I had a HORRIBLE day at work and was still angry & upset when I got home.
Thank you, once again, for making me laugh and bringing me back from the brink!
My bro wants to be stuffed and put in his recliner with the remote. My dad wants us to load his ashes into shotgun shells and then shoot him over the sound. My husband wants to be ground up and sprinkled over the chili that will be served at the wake. Hosting a Wonder Woman funeral sounds fairly do-able. Except I live kind of far from the airport so I’d probably just toss the body off my roof.
I read this blog to my Mr. He laughed then said “I almost feel sorty for Victor”. Maybe they should form a support group.
My husband came by to see what was making my laugh. I love your quirkiness!
You would have to hire one of those parachuting planes, and bribe the pilot to hold his silence. Ahead of time. And the conversation negotiating the terms? This would make a great story. You’re welcome.
Oh, you. Wonder Woman couldn’t pull you off. I don’t think there is a superhero awesome enough.
When I die I want people to stitch the top half of my body to the bottom half of a fish and then dump me on the beach and have people freak over the dead mermaid.
Actually don’t do that to me…do that to someone else so I can enjoy the reactions.
You could always leave him naked, slumped over on the hood o the car and say that he was ‘Flash’ who got a little confused on a bad meth trip….
Brilliant….except there won’t be enough of you left to taxidermy…and then Victor won’t have souvenir to cherish and to place in a place of honor in the shine that houses your collection.
that is just so sad.
I still like i love Victor; he’s a saint because he laughs at the punchlines.
hubby says it sounds like a conversation that we would have… except I almost never call him asshole.
I want to be Brobee from Yo Gabba Gabba. I need to watch more adult television.
I was cramming for finals and needed a quick break, that was perfect, I laughed til my eyes teared!
I tripped over an invisible plane once. Didn’t get much else done the rest of the day.
Wow. That thing Victor said about not feeling safe in your house anymore? My husband says that when I tell him I’ve hired the cats to kill him in his sleep.
I like the Batman outfit idea, though. Instead of doing the regular funeral thing, I’ll just lay him out on the front lawn. That would totally be ok, because our house used to be a funeral home. Well, I’m pretty sure it would be ok. It’s still zoned commercial/residential.
Oh mighty Isis, that’s funny!
I hear ya… Every time I remind Eddie that he is to cremate me and sprinkle some of my “magic dust” on people whilst telling them to think happy thoughts and jump out a window, he ignores me. Mumbles something about murder.
I told him he would only be an accomplice. And since I’m all ready dead, they can’t very well arrest me. And we would only do it to deserving assholes… IT’S THE PERFECT FUCKING MURDER!!!!
You need to be buried, we all do, how else will children experience the joy of exhuming corpses like their ancestors did?
Your blog was the first thing that popped up when I searched “my heart says yes but my vajayjay says no.” I know that doesn’t have anything to do with this post, but thought I’d congratulate you on your obvious abstinence advocation. Also, don’t ask me why I was searching for that.
Not to take his side or anything, but maybe Victor would prefer you do him up as The Joker if you’re going to leave him in the yard. As he decomposes and the face paint melts, little kids can come and cheer that The Joker met his end all bloated, pulling weeds, and dealing with a bad make-over.
That’s my Victor insight – but there’s a reason nobody will license me to practice psychotherapy.
LOL.. I really love that conversation and I guess people here will agree with me.. A dead wonder woman can be a very great idea..
My husband has joked for years that he wants to be stuffed and displayed on the couch, with one hand on the back. Alternatively, I am free to dress him as a zombie and use him to scare of soliciters. I think I’m stealing the Batman idea. Zombie Batman?
But in reality, he has dictated in his will – I’m not joking – that his large back tattoo is to be removed, tanned, and used as a book cover. The problem is…… Who deals in human skin? That’s kind of an awkward phone call to make.
Oh God, how you make me laugh!
Funny. Your poor husband – he’s the victim here with these kind of sick superhero threats flying around.
It’s very important to leave some sort of mark of immortality on the world. It’s how your ghost knows where to go to haunt people. Or so I’m told.
Also, your ghost would probably still be wearing the Wonder Woman costume, which would be just plain awesome.
So now anytime he pisses you off, you can just say, “Way to ruin Batman, asshole!”
Please give this some thought. Roughly 60 years from now when you actually die, the evolution of superheroes may lend you a new favorite. And then you’ll be sitting there with an obsolete WW outfit. I’m in love with the idea of tripping over pieces of an invisibile plane crash though, so I think we should schedule that part immediately, unoccupied.
I always pictured Victor more of a Splinter than a Batman. Maybe it’s just me though. Either way, letting the world see that your final outfit was proving you’re a superhero is probably the best way to go out. Ever.
Just turn it into a superhero themed funeral – it might start a new trend!
I’m so sorry, I’m about to force you to have to ban me for being a giant jerk. Ahem:
Batman and Wonder Woman are both DC. So they’re Justice League. Everyone please stop saying Marvel and Avengers. You are RUINING Jenny’s geek cred.
Oh, how I love you, Bloggess/Wonder Woman! Thank you for opening so many doors of possibility for my own death. I’m starting on my costume STAT, as soon as I complete my obituary. Can’t let some idiot write that for me and leave out all the good parts! XOXOXOXOXOX
No one’s going to believe that we came up with the same Dead Superhero Fun premise independently. WE know the world is really that weird, but most folks don’t believe it. So, I’m not even going to push my version of Dead Superhero Fun until folks forget about this post. But now that I have proof, I AM going to start pushing the viral viral meme – that is, certain ideas that go viral are actually spread by real viruses that infect susceptible people’s brain. And that one day one of those meme viruses will mutate and infect someone’s brain and turn them into a zombie, starting World War Z. Which means that you and I and several others here are carriers of the Zombie Apocalypse.
This was very funny. Loved reading it. I guess my burial would be quite boring compared to this. All I’m asking mine to do is to row my ashes out to sea and dump me out there with the dolphins. ha ha.
When I die, my husband, who is adamantly opposed to tattoos and just generally crotchety beyond his years, is contractually obligated to get my likeness emblazoned upon his chest, directly over his heart. I am also considering adding an addendum to the contract, with the tattoo to include the following, (in Old English script): “Lindsay Wuz Here” OR “Lindsay 4 Life”. . . Lest the next bitch be confused.
Also, I live in Waco and we could be best friends if you wanted.
I like the way you think.
I have a good friend who has agreed to continue to update my Facebook status after I’m dead. Perhaps I should request a Wonder Woman reference.
See this yet? 😀
That would be epic. May I please come to your funeral? (Is that a weird thing to ask?)
I love it when the female wins the convo. Always a happy moment.
I’m currently working late on Reception for an “event” at work. The only thing keeping me sane is reading your blog, eating peanuts and drinking orange juice. Swwweeeeeeetttt!!
Imagine all the childhood trauma this would produce.
“Mommy, why is Wonder Woman dead on our lawn?”
“Honey, stop making stuff… OHMYGODSHEIS.”
I love it. Put it in your will. If it’s in there, I’m pretty sure people have to do it.
when my husband dies, i’m going to paint him green and dress him in ripped clothes because I’m convinced he’s the hulk. except if he dies, then I guess that proves he’s not the hulk. Whatever, I’ll still paint him green.
Don’t go just yet but, before you do, were you and ‘Mummy Misfit’ in the UK once joined at the hip? You both love wine and MM has her hair in curlers on the cover of her first book (see blog at http://mummymisfit.blogspot.co.uk/). AND she writes mummy (mommy!) humour. Separated at birth? Love the Wonder Woman idea!
You need these!!!! I’m getting them for my friend who is a Wonder Woman freak. http://www.wackyplanet.com/wonder-women-super-hero-socks.html
When I die, I want to be placed naked into Robert Downey Jr.’s bed.
He really must have done something horrible in a past life!
This may be the funniest thing you’ve ever written.
PLEASE, please, please come to Columbus, OH!
This is made all the funnier by the fact that i’m totally obsessed with Wonder Woman. And the idea that when I trip it is from the invisble plan debris will forever be in my head. LOVe it!
Have lurked but never commented. Congrats on the book! Will be purchasing. Further congrats on conveying your end-of-life wishes (something I’ve been avoiding … and will, hopefully, involve a pyre, naked dancing, clay, and a kiln.
oh, wait, maybe I did comment once before … amid the throngs.
I am aware that this would not bode well with your anxiety, but a reality TV show starring you and Victor would be a runaway success! Your conversations are the best!
Love… when I’m p’d at my husband, I swear to him that, when he goes, I’m just going to prop him up in a cart in the Walmart parking lot and take off.
Best. Body disposal plan. Ever!
I especially like the comment by moooooog35 – “Your other option is to dress up as the girl Wonder Twin with a crumpled up note on you that just says ‘Zan, whatever you do, don’t trust the monkey.'”
This sounds so much like something you would do. It would be most effective if Victor dressed as Zan for the funeral.
Wonder Woman is not nearly ballsy enough for you, Jenny.
When you die you should dress as someone way super-er and tougher and ballsier.
Maybe Betty White?
Because she did that kick-ass candy bar and survived a vicious hit.
If not Betty, or second choice would be Hulk Hogan.
WWF Champ, The Bloggess:
“She died in spandex.”
So….. I told my 5th grade students about this idea….. Some of them looked at me like I lost my mind. A few of them snickered uncomfortably. Then I heard a boy say, “THAT IS GENIUS!”
Out of the mouths of babes.
Although, I did have to explain how her bracelets worked. Geesh. Kids today….
BC Prepares for Zombie Apocalypse.
Of course it does.
So the death of wonder woman amuses you!!!
Wonder Dan- Post Op Wonder Woman impersonator
Idea – Tardis Caskets….
You should put Victor on display out in the yard dressed as Aquaman watering the plants. I think the irony speaks for itself.
your conversations with victor just get better and better.
Oh Victor. You ole poop. You’d think he’d just nod and smile by now. I mean, after all, you’ll be DEAD so you can’t hold him to any promises at that point, you know?
That’s what I love about you Bloggess! Your imagination is unbelievable! Lol! You are awesome!
You are a genius! Such a great idea to have part of my body shaved off when I’m dead….
I spent ages 4 to 5 telling everyone my name was Wonder Woman. She is totally awesome.
I really can’t think of a better, um, funeral? Memorial service? Whatever, I want to go out as Wonder Woman too, is all I’m saying.
I think Jenny would make a great “Mystery Man”. Her power would be to befuddle people with her stories. While she’s telling them they will be so bewildered as to weather or not they are real that they will be unable to do anything but listen…
Would you want the Wonder Woman outfit with the little skirt? or just the briefs? I know you would want the lariat and the power bands. And of course the little tiara deal.
You guys are so awesome! and i love your idea. Lol! This made my day and thank you so much for this.
I’ll bury you in a wonder woman costume if Victor won’t. Inbox me!
(LOL! …but seriously.)
The death of Batman would be a great tragidy to everyone. I mean, it look liked he died in the Final Crisis a couple years back, but the writers were all like: whoa whoa whoa, calm down crazies, Darseid’s eye laser beams just zapped him back into the past, which totally means he’s not dead, and then he traveled through time for some reason somehow and now he’s back with another batman and a psychopathic robin and all kinds of crazy shit with owls or whatever. I swear, if Batman dies in the movie this summer, I’m going to be extremely upset/pissy. Comic book characters do not die. Well, some of them die, sometimes, but they keep coming back, and those who don’t, people never really cared for them anyway, and they might come back 10 years from now or whatever. … Yup.
I had to share this with my own mother because my father has been collecting Batman for years… we all even have Batman tattooes (by the way my sister who is a tattoo artist was told that tattoo ink protects you from the Zombie virus so all tattooed people, myself included, will be safe). I once had a conversation with my father about what to do when he dies… he wants to be cremated and put in his Batman cookie jar on my mantle, if of course I have one but I think if I don’t a bookshelf would suffice… I will clarify with him.
oh god, just found you, and you broke my funny. i may not laugh, EVER AGAIN
Robin: Batgirl! What took you so long?
Batgirl: You wouldn’t believe the traffic, and the lights were all against me. Besides, you wouldn’t want me to speed, would you?
Robin: Your good driving habits almost cost us our lives!
Batman: No, Robin, she’s right. Rules are rules.
Dear Victor – Rules are rules, and unless there is a specific counter-provision in Jenny’s will regarding burial…
I wanted to be dumped in a hole someplace, along with the ashes of RtWD, but I now I think Roxanne the Wonder Dog and I need a Wonder Woman disposal.
I love Wonder Woman. I would die happy if someone buried me in a Wonder Woman costume, but since I hope to die at 98, It will probably look really saggy and shabby and sad. And I’m definitely going to blame the debris from Wonder Woman’s plane crash the next time I trip. Although how that debris got on the steps in the front hall without leaving a hole in the roof is going to be harder to explain.
Phone conversation with my mom…
me: WOW a fighter droid carrier!
mom:droids are good.
me:so if i was a droid that’d be good?!
mom: what? no. i thought we were talking about legos.
me: not anymore.
mom:i am falling out of my chair.
You killed Batman for me. Way to go Jennie! And yes…I spelled it wrong on purpose! My childhood is now retroactively destroyed. How dare you!
I want to meet the pilot that lets Victor on a plane with a dead chick in a Wonder Woman costume.
If I send my address and a plane ticket, can you mayhaps swing by and tell me a bedtime story!
I’m opting for Catwoman. Let’s see him find a wetsuit in a size 20!!!
Oh my.. this one had me laugh so hard I’m surprised I didn’t wake up my sleeping baby, lol.
Have him cremated. Then entomb the ashes in the chicken.
I just hope you’re satisfied: you made me laugh so hard that I peed myself. A little bit. Thanks.