The end of the world

Today I’m in Denver doing a reading and a signing (come…please?) and while I’m on tour I’m rehashing some of my old posts.  This one was from 2008:

Actual sentence I overheard in the elevator this week that was so upsetting that I had to write it down so I wouldn’t forget it:

“But I thought she been done did that.”

Really?  You thought she “been done did that”?  This is what we’ve come to, blonde-girl-in-the-elevator-who-makes-me-cry-for-America?  This is the point when I’d come up with some  sarcastic line that’s actually more atrocious than the thing you just said but I’ve been working on it for the last two hours and I think it’s pretty much totally impossible.   Forget “fustrated”, “birfday” and ”liberry”,  you’ve just made all of those seem like quaint colloquialisms.  Next time I see you I’m shooting you in the knee.

182 replies. read them below or add one

  1. Um, at least she didn’t get the t-shirt?

    Another reminder that you ARE good at it. 🙂

    Have fun in Denver and don’t pass out from lack of oxygen.

    Kara recently posted Hoobastank Concert Photo Contest.

  2. I was gunna axe you a question but I forgetted it.

  3. Don’t come to Memphis then-you’ll want to start a knee shooting spree.It just makes you want to slap some sense into them…literally. A couple of my other favorites- when something is slightly damaged, it’s all “cosmetical” or that we’re having a “full” course meal.

  4. At least you didn’t need subtitles. Right? That stuff freaks me out too.

    Mom Off Meth recently posted Eff the stigma.

  5. A few I always enjoy:
    terlet
    oncet, twicet
    eliminating the infinitive: “the grass needs mowed”, “the terlet needs plunged”
    nucular
    Febuary

    Are you sure the girl in the elevator wasn’t Miss South Carolina, such as?
    http://annesfunnyfarm.blogspot.com/2012/07/a-tip-for-tuesday-teaching-at-table.html

  6. I used to talk like that, but then I took a Bloggess Bullet to the knee…

  7. You mise well give up.

    Mom In Two Cultures recently posted A Thousand Tiny Bombshells.

  8. I had done been thinked to make a worser sentence, but then my brain broke.

    SarcasticNinja recently posted Gain Financial Security - Trample the Bill Collector With A Horse.

  9. Lord, have mercy!

    My personal favourites:

    “Hey! I seen you the other day at the mall!” Ugh.
    “Where’s that at?” (I hear this one almost daily)
    supposably
    bafroom (bathroom?)
    irregardless (I’ve actually heard college-educated people use this made-up word)

    Enjoy the rest of your tour 🙂

    Erin recently posted One Thing I Am Thankful For.

  10. I don’t even have a clue as to what that means 🙁

    Cara(Eli) recently posted Stingy little buggers.

  11. OOOOOHHHHHHH, I wanna know what she done did!!!!!

    Just Keepin' It Real Folks recently posted A Low Blow.

  12. “aks”

    Drives me crazy!

    The Six-Fingered Monkey recently posted “300” or “The Five-Year Performance Report”.

  13. Could of
    Would of
    Should of

    I cannot stand those.

    Hope you’re having fun on your tour!

    Eleanor recently posted There’s nothing wrong with taking a bath in the middle of the night..

  14. Also, for those of you who hate ‘aks’:

    Eleanor recently posted There’s nothing wrong with taking a bath in the middle of the night..

  15. 15
    Shelley in So. IL

    I was in line at the zoo and a grandma behind me said use about a hundred times as we waited to see sea lions. As in, “Use go get a drink then use can get back in line so use can see the sea lions.”

    I wanted to turn around and hand her a dictionary. Next time I go to the zoo, I am bringing one.

  16. Why you gotta hate?

  17. Hit jist don’ git no bedder din dis!

    yay, Denver!

  18. Shooting’s too good for her, I say.

    Heretic Husband recently posted Chik-Fil-A, Daniel Tosh, and the power of words.

  19. What about ‘come-d’, ‘swinged’, and ‘I got go been there just now’
    Hear them always.

  20. I do not claim to use perfect English in very sentence of my life but that just makes my head hurt! Combine that with the educational instruction our students are receiving (or not receiving!) and I weep for our future!

    Missy recently posted Friend Friday:.

  21. Go ahead mangle the English language. What do you care if it needs to go to therapy for years becasue you raped it like that.

    Holly Folly recently posted How to Can Food In 12 Easy Steps..

  22. “He went to the taxidermist with Jenny and I”….. “They invited Jenny and I to the twine festival…” Masters degrees…..major network television anchors…. NOBODY seems to get the “I and me” usage correct. Drives me insane.

  23. Think you could forward her contact information? I might need a publicist someday, and she seems like a great fit.

    Brittany recently posted GPS Fail.

  24. I asked for directions once to where a friend of mine lived at. Evidently the young lady did not hear the address correctly because she responded with “where he stay at?”.

  25. Somehow I think if that blonde elevator girl wrote down what she said, we’d all be staring uncomprehendingly at it, scratching our heads, wondering if there are any actual words in there at all.

  26. Has anyone really been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like?

  27. From 2008? I’ve been done read this already. 😛 Still funny as hell though. Plus it looks like Skyrim has been stealing your ideas with the whole ‘arrow to the knee’ thing. You’re just too cool.

    Oly recently posted Why I hate public toilets and love my mental health team.

  28. –>Round these parts, folks like to have Pacific IdeaRs for things, I reckon.

    deb

    WebSavvyMom recently posted You Can Have Your Cake and Eat It Too.

  29. Sounds like the former Kentucky governor’s wife who while leading the charge to improve adult literacy said in a speech, “I done told you that.” And I wonder why I moved away?

    Denise Malloy recently posted The Verdict on Junk Food.

  30. Arg…it’s like reading all those terrible, misspelled, Facebook posts.

    Danielle recently posted I'm Feeling Pinspired..

  31. I agree. Irregardless of what anyone else might think. Yes. Irregardless. My former shrink used to say that. I say “former” shrink, because the day I heard that come out of her mouth, I stopped taking her seriously.

    Mod Mom Beyond IndieDom recently posted BlogHer '12 Photo Album - The Highlights In Pictures.

  32. You forgot vomick!

  33. A former co-worker used to say: “See do I be going to the store. Want anything?” Husband says “libery” and “tree”. As in “One, two, tree”. I asked if he said “treeteen” or “treetytree”. You’d think he wanted to shoot ME in the knee.

  34. YAY, Denver! Rocket the Canine Companions for Independence puppy in training will be there to get his copy of your book signed (he reads a lot, though your fascination with taxidermy kind of freaks him out) and bring you a suck-up present ala SPQ Jill Conner Browne.

  35. You should visit my hometown sometime. The accent is so heavy, it generally sounds like a foreign language. One of the most popular phrases from my area is “Stay where you’re at ’til I comes where you’re to.” It’s more quaint than annoying though.

    This is a good example: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MHB32ll7Ce8

    Amanda recently posted pressing question of the day: what's your preferred party lunch?.

  36. Our favorite quote from the late night news (where all the really great quotes come from) is “Do you be high?”

    Well, do you?

  37. I had to read that, like, 6 times to even come close to comprehending what the hell that means. And I still don’t get it.

    Niven recently posted I’m sorry. I really, really am..

  38. Overheard in a DSW store. One young woman, while looking at the platform shoes her friend was modeling for her ” Oh gir! You know I lu-tha”

  39. I teach English at a university in Prague and have been visiting my parents in Philadelphia for the summer. It has been a depressing visit, grammatically. I heard this last week from a man barking into a cell phone: I doesn’t knows, I didn’t see her from last night.

    You have to go out of your way to make that many errors in one sentence. My (new) number one priority is forbidding my students o visit the U.S. It is used to be something with two girls and a waffle.

  40. Ah now. Accents are FUN. If people are saying it, maybe it’s a word … language evolves …

    Youse (written “use” above) is how the Irish say y’all. But we all have our pet peeves. I save mine for people who call their Ebay items STUNNING and American official-speak like “we apprehended this individual”.

    bani recently posted yada yada yada.

  41. Dang an blasht them thur pissents. Cin thay nay Lurn ta speck priper enlish

    Tom Stronach recently posted London 2012, The Closing Ceremony.

  42. You’re a mile high in Denver! Go get ‘em!
    I put the picture of us from your New York visit here: http://www.executiveseverance.blogspot.com/2012/04/too-much-humor-writing-talent-in-one.html

    Best wishes,
    Bob Blechman

    Robert K. Blechman recently posted Batman Goes to Executive Severance for Detecting Techniques.

  43. I’m guilty of “Liberry” although I will say I do that on purpose…because I was an English major in college and it annoys the hell out of people. 🙂

    I loathe aks, nucular, seen (as in “I seen him yesterday”) and accrost. Sigh. I suppose I hear them often in karmic retribution for being unable to spell February correctly without spellcheck and saying “Liberry.”

    Denver’s pretty, but I couldn’t walk too fast or try to run there…wears me out!

    Jess recently posted I met The Bloggess! And nearly made a mess in CVS. These are not related..

  44. Can we talk about apostrophes? Sign posted by a local SCHOOL: “Playground for Victor student’s only, thank’s for your corporation.” We weep for Canada too.

    schmautismmom recently posted the superpowers just keep coming.

  45. Like you, I worked in HR for several years. I collected malapropisms sent to me during normal email correspondence. The normal “its a mute point” and “you’re just going for the juggler” seemed absolutely blase to the wonderful “I’m just a prawn on the chessboard of life”! Loved that one the best!!

    Jane recently posted I can make mountains out of molehills.  The Tetons.  Wyoming..

  46. My latest peeve is “These ones”… You can’t blame THAT on spell-check! Grrr…

    Welcome to Denver! I’ll see you in a few hours!

    gordon

  47. Hehehehe!! I read this and I had some down home country boys voices in my head. I’m trying to read it in a valley girl voice, but the juxtaposition is too much for me.

  48. 48
    Cheryl in Wisconsin

    I came here to comment something about a making/eating a “sammitch” but Jane’s reference to “going for the juggler” made me laugh instead. I think that’s going to become my new catch phrase. It won’t make sense most of the time but it doesn’t matter – as long as I’m entertained.

  49. An excerpt from a recent fan letter:

    “…Good Gratitious Sakes Almighty Pretty Darwlin !!! (town I’m in) IS sure nough all the ways ‘down’yonder’ frum where we’re fixin to be!!! …..Good Gosh Aldiggity damn itz HOT you say?? lol & My oldest sister and her French from the South of France Husband live in Cedar Park and have their sail boat on what they call Lake Austin ( Which is really just a big river with some extra wide places in it ha ! ) &&&& I’ve been hearing pretty regular about How Scortchin Frickin HOT this summer is being for everyone there ……But as you Now know , if you didn’t already, Texas HEAT + HUMIDITY is a seriously tough row to hoe….Hello!!! :/ fuk I hate Texas !! lol I mean I LOVE everything about Texas & Love Being a Texan and being FROM TEXAS, but Thank Al’Mighty Gawd He doesn’t need me to live there all the time !!! lol =))) ”

    It goes on like that for four pages.
    I win.

    Kernut the Blond recently posted Big oilfields and big money in Texas.

  50. You just axed the most difficult questions there.

    Lady Jennie recently posted Paris, By Car.

  51. Yeah, I hear lots of things like that and they all make me want to clean up the gene pool and cry. Irritating for sure! Wish I was in Denver today!! I wonder if I could talk my cousin into coming to see you for me. 🙂

  52. 52
    ring stafford

    A peeve after my own heart! I have it from reliable sources that a local woman had a fender bender in front of the liberry, and her airbags deplored. I laughed so hard that I can’t say it properly anymore.

    On another note entirely, you are SO going to love this link, and to Victor, I apologize in advance:
    http://www.lovedtodeath.net/

    ps – I have my eye on the blowfish

  53. I am totally going to try and be there tonight, with thanks going to Ativan if I do.

    Rachel recently posted Weekly Grace, #32..

  54. I’m British, but there’s an American lady in my office and the way she speaks sets my teeth on edge – this morning she asked me “what kind of sandwiches do you got?” when I was unpacking my lunch.
    Just… WHAT!?

    Lianne Marie Binks recently posted Avocado linguine.

  55. The only way to make it worse would be to write it, misspell it, and figure out a way to put it into text speak as well! Okay, now my eyes are bleeding at the very thought…

    Queen Of All Things Good recently posted Do These Kids Make Me Look Fat?.

  56. You obviously have not seen “Honey Boo Boo” yet on TLC. Makes us southerners look really edumicated….

    Mary Anne Payne (@hellomap) recently posted My ONE Post on Politics-Show ME Your ABS!!!.

  57. 57
    Auntie Meme

    I can tell it’s gonna be a bad day when I want to pick a fight with you. You and your big metal chicken.

  58. torlet (instead of toilet)
    close off the lights
    versin’ (a mutated form of versus, used like a verb. ex: our team is versin’ their team tonight)

    and high five to the above English major who says liberry to annoy people, from one who says irregardlessly for the ultimate non-word 🙂

    Jordan recently posted How Some Colorful Cupcakes Came To Be.

  59. I’m speechless. Too bad the person in the elevator wasn’t speechless.

    Then again…..we would miss out on all the fun posted here. 🙂

    Kristen recently posted Eating a Boring Diet Can be a Skinny Habit.

  60. “Birfday” reminds me of an amusing bit of local history. My home town was built along a riverbank. There’s a descriptive name for the street that runs along the river, and the streets running parallel to that were all originally numbered: Second St., Third St., Fourth St., etc. This was modified slightly after a wave of German immigration in the late 19th century brought a significant population that was unable to pronounce dental fricatives, instead pronouncing them as alveolar stops. “Though” was pronounced like “dough,” and “thin” was prounced like “tin.” In light of this pattern, Third St. was renamed to Broad St.

  61. Aaaw, wish I could be there!!! Hope it goes well 🙂 Please tweet most insane moment. Fanks

    Shannon recently posted How to go INSANE Part I: French Customer Service Survival Tips.

  62. Ugh I get all grammar nazi sometimes, too. For example, the commercial jingle, “ChuckE.Cheese is funner” makes me quite stabby. Funner. Grr. And then double negatives like “I don’t have no homework” umm, well, that means you do have it and need it in hopes you can learn proper English. Sigh.

    opinion8dhermit recently posted I hate book-endings. And then some off topic ramblings that seem really important.

  63. And my favorite – “she done boughten it at the store”.
    Really?
    Who taught you to speak like this?

  64. This is worse than one of the most cringe-worth Dr. Phil-isms I’ve heard. [Sometime’s I watch Dr. Phil when I want to be enraged while wating TV.] I actually heard him say this on his show…”If introspection were lard, I couldn’t fry up a skillet with all ya’ll…!

  65. Bahahahahaha…that is awesome. Please shoot away. My sister pronounces onion as “ungyun”, oatmeal as “oakmeal” and the glove compartment is the “glove department”. No excuse–we’re from San Francisco, not Arkansas. Shit. Hurry up, I need to borrow your gun.

  66. I once overheard

    “I found where Whole Foods are!”

  67. HAH! I had to read that a few times before I understood (and of course I still did not understand).

    -Tara

    http://blog.chron.com/madabouttown/
    http://madmaxandfamily.blogspot.com/

    Tara of Mad Max and Family recently posted Mad for Monday (Max's Weekend Update): Are you ready for some FOOTBALL???!.

  68. Can’t wait to see you tonight in Denver! Too many years ago, after working for a summer in a kitchen in NC, I found myself asking my most educated parents, “Where you gonna be at?” If I’d had the gun, I would have shot myself.

    Seasweetie recently posted Photo of the Day: Rowdy.

  69. I’ll be there! And I’m going to try to be very well-behaved. But now that I know there will be a puppy there, too? I dunno. This is going to be difficult.

  70. 70
    Jen @ Bible Belt to Boulder

    I didn’t think I was too much of a grammar-Nazi, though bad grammar is a pet peeve, but my daughter’s pre-school teacher told me that she was correcting other children on their grammar. Oy. But I’m confident she will at least grow up to use good grammar, anything else is still a crap shoot, I think.

    Jen @ Bible Belt to Boulder recently posted Outrunning depression.

  71. Irregardless. Oh, oh, oh! Or people’s total inability to say aggressive. A local sports talk radio station here in Dallas has a whole joke about it going on where they play clips of various athletes and commentators mispronouncing aggressive. The best one is “aggressniff.” Runners up include gagressis, gagressive, and agressis.

    You’re welcome.

    Ashley Austrew recently posted Exciting tips to spice up date night!.

  72. “I used to been done did that like you, then I took a Bloggess to the knee.”

  73. I work with a girl with the worst grammar ever – she once said, “that made it even more worserer” – can’t believe she graduated from university! She hasn’t been at work for a couple of years because she got knocked up twice in that time – obviously she hasn’t been able to work out how contraception works…

  74. I can’t stand the ever so ubiquitous “where you at?” It just grates on my ears. /mini-rant

    Kelly at Cibatarian recently posted Churrascos - Westchase.

  75. What gets me is when I hear kids speaking that way and no one takes the time to correct them. When we have teens and 20-somethings working with us at an event and they misspeak, I correct them. It may not stick with them; but at least I feel better.

    Bodaciousboomer recently posted Good news,bad news. Two updates for the price of one.

  76. You’ve probably already seen this but just in case….

    http://www.cutoutandkeep.net/projects/the-tardis-dress

  77. May I interject a note of fairness here? Some of the words that people have made fun of in the comments are considered to be Black English, which is a legitimate dialect of English – “aks” in particular. There is a big difference between incorrect speech (I done that) and true dialect.

    In speech between friends, I think it’s a bit unfair to be picky – we all slur our words – it happens in any language (it’s why we think people in other languages are speaking too fast but they’re actually just doing what we do, using colloquialisms and stringing words together or abbreviating others).

  78. Is anyone else wondering what ‘she’ was supposed to have… gone… and… done… did..? (I don’t even know, I don’t speak ‘merrican. I’m from the third word where colonialism stuck a bit longer) anyway I’m sure she will will get to it now now.

    You gotta love English one long prescriptivist versus descriptivist debate.

    Caryn recently posted A Message.

  79. A woman who works for me uses “don’t” as in “He don’t know”… constantly. I want to shout “HE DO NOT KNOW?”-HOW ABOUT HE DOES NOT KNOW?” (Just like she doesn’t know how to use the word don’t) I have tried to bring this up in conversation, and she just agrees that poor grammar is a calamity. Argh! Firstly, secondly etc.. drove my grandmother insane. What’s wrong with first, second etc..? Why did we add a “ly” to these words?
    Irregardless? Hearing this is akin to fingernails screeching down a chalkboard

  80. I think it makes more sense as “But Ithought she ‘been-done-did’ that.” As in, “I thought she had taken care of that situation”. I don’t think this is a simple case of multiple past tenses.

  81. Pretty much no getting past that one. The children, they are our future, and I weep! 😉

    thedoseofreality recently posted WOULD I PAY MONEY FOR THIS: Being Crafty + GIVEAWAY!.

  82. How about this one – “sammich”. My friend was devestated after we convinced him it really was “sandwich”.

  83. Drug – drives me crazy, as in “I drug her across the carpet.” It seems to be an epidemic, I hear it all the time now.

    Sherbert

    Restauranteur – even actual restaurateurs say it! OMG – even the stupid spell check suggested the incorrect made-up word. Okay, that’s what bothers me the most. When the dictionaries decide to adopt the made up word after it is overused. Arg!!

    I also agree with Gordon (46) these ones and those ones make me nuts.

    Kelly recently posted Frog Swabbers.

  84. “I seen” and “thew” (as in, I thew a shoe at the person who said I seen him do it) both drive me out of my mind. And I always wanted to wring Prez Bush’s neck whenever he said “new-clee-ur!” It’s bad enough when the public says those kinds of things but when it’s our PRESIDENT?!? It’s downright embarrassing.

  85. She prolly just said it on accident.

  86. But what does it mean?

  87. Bloggess you are a treasure! I should have started reading you years ago!

    Kevin McCrank recently posted Fly West..

  88. This one made me cry… Cry for humanity, cry for our children, and cry for the my computer, which I spit coffee at while reading this post… now I must clean…. which makes me cry a bit too!

    Have fun on your tour! Wish I could be there!

    Stacey recently posted Starting today I'm making a change!.

  89. Supposably. Free gift. Proven fact. Very unique.

  90. Oh the humanity…..

    My contribution to the pet peeve list: “finer foods”. FINER THAN WHAT?
    Finer than spuds-n-sludge at a school cafeteria? Finer than leftovers with your spooky great-aunt who forgets to refrigerate things? Finer than rusty expired cans from the mystery shelf in the closet of doom?

  91. Wow, that is pretty bad, but in some instances I just have to let go when someone’s mispronouncing things. For one, my husband says “pacifically” instead of “specifically”. He’s well aware he does it, and despite spending 10 minutes once trying to get the actual word out, just didn’t happen.

  92. Argh…I am definitely not perfect when it comes to grammar, but there are certain things that drive me crazy! For example, when my lovely husband says ‘acrosst’. There is NO “T” in across. I hate to nag, but really. However, he does make me chuckle when he uses ‘irregardless’ because he knows it isn’t a word and does it just to annoy me and others who know it isn’t a word. Though I do fear most people don’t know he is joking and think he is just an idiot. Oh well. 🙂

  93. maybe she did done do that…ever think about that?

  94. So I know this was 4 years ago but have you shot her yet? If not, then may I suggest spending more time out searching in a hat and trench coat (I don’t care how hot it is in Texas in the summer) and less time buying Pegasuses on the internets.

    Melissa recently posted You may or may not think this post is crap.

  95. I have a friend that always says “supposably” instead of “supposedly”. I have been correcting him for over 30 years, and he still says it.

  96. Better watch out. In this culturally and linguistically diverse society some of these errors would be considered acceptable usage in oral language. As a practicing Speech Therapist (can never spell that without thinking “The-Rapist”) I am not ethically allowed to correct such mistakes in my students! Drives me insane!!!

  97. Top offenders: “supposebly” “febuary” and “parmesan”. Drives me INSANE!

  98. I don wanna gotta smack you upside da head for that!

  99. What about nucular?!

    Becki recently posted The Funniest Woman In The World (After Me, Of Course).

  100. Wow, that actually is equally bad with the one my mom heard a million years ago:

    “When I seed who it was, I retch right out and wove at him.”

    The mind, it boggles.

  101. My favorite overheard sentence is “But he didn’t tell his friend he had a dead body in the car.” But my favorite grammatically incorrect sentence I’ve ever overheard is, “Who banana?” So simple, yet so ignorant.

  102. Pres. Bush may be the greatest force for evil in correct grammar this language has ever known (or Snooki. It’s one of those). “Irregardless” was one of his favorite words. I’m pretty sure we are doomed on that one. I periodically check the dictionary just to confirm I am no insane, and it really isn’t a word. It’s only a matter of time before they add it.

    And Granny K – the word a certain tv show you watch to be enraged is “irritainment” (courtesy of the same Dallas sports radio station Ashley mentioned above) 🙂

  103. Gah. Make that “not” insane.

  104. Can I just say I LOVE you?? I just read your book, lets pretend, and I cracked up. It really lifted my spirits.. I look forward to following your blog!

  105. I just love how people orientate themselves . Quite the trick, dontcha thing?

    You were just here in Minnesoda. Did anyone ask you to go with? Or come with?

    Ya, sure…you betcha!

    Sj recently posted The Second Amendment ~ part 2.

  106. love your site. saw this today on pinterest and thought of you. http://iwastesomuchtime.com/on/?i=27642

  107. Don’t forget trufe.

  108. Between the original girl’s comment in the post and all the comments – my brain is now bleeding.

    Gigi recently posted Twenty-six days.....and some other stuff..

  109. Oh my lord, “fustrated” and “liberry” are among my BIGGEST pet peeves. Honestly, I see red when people pronounce those words wrongly in my presence… total rage.

    I hope you had fun in Toronto, I really really REALLY wanted to go, but we live about 2 hours away, and it was really only the possibility of losing my job by fake-calling-in-sick that kept me from being there!

  110. I found a foreign website with some pretty wacky taxidermied items for sale. Not sure if they died of natural causes, but…..
    http://www.jaski.nl/artists/les-deux-garcons/sculptures

  111. My favorite is “it needs done” where’s the “to be” moron?

  112. Is Dallas on your list?

    Stephenie Stone recently posted Ballerina Birthday Party.

  113. OH MY! I am a total grammar Nazi (ask my children). Less during written expression and texting, but definitely in speech and pronunciation. I have never allowed my children to speak “baby talk” or grunt and point. I would definitely never allow, “been done did that.” EVER!!!

    Melodie recently posted The Bloggess Is Awesome!.

  114. After learning some heartbreaking news about my brother today. I kind of feel guilty smiling and laughing at the comments written here. I still have to thank you all. I needed this.

  115. I have a friend who is a native New Englander and who is a practicing attorney who says, “eXpresso”, “fustrated” and other malprops and it drives me nuts. She had no accent, Boston or otherwise, so where this comes from I have no idea. Her parents don’t mispronounce those words.

    My husband can’t say “caricature” correctly. He puts the emphasis on the wrong syllable. I blame it on his education growing up in The South.

    Kelly and Geoff recently posted Just when you think it is over….

  116. You should make her look at the foilage while threatening to shoot her in the mouth unless she akses for forgiveness. And then kick her in the knee. Just because you can.

    Susan recently posted Fart Rap.

  117. I used to work for someone with that level of grammatical competence. You know what’s worse than hearing someone like that in the elevator? Having someone like that telling you what to do. Particularly in writing.

    Kate recently posted things i won't be doing to my vagina.

  118. That’s cringe-worthy. Sadly, it sounds like things I’ve heard the students at my school say in the halls. My personal favorite: “Ain’t no one got no chargers no where!!” (Please don’t judge my teaching skills based on that quote alone.)

  119. Okay, I tried to read these comments but, the majority of them are driving me so bat-shit crazy that I can’t help but sit here and rock back and forth and weep slightly for the stupidity that has become our world. And yes, you’re right… Worst. Sentence. EVER!!!! Too bad you didn’t shoot her right then and there!

    Devon recently posted Fire In Ice by Devon Stewart.

  120. My 18 year old daughter and I wanted to come down to see you today (and get you to autograph our book — it was soooo good). But today she had her wisdom teeth out. Yeah. Sucky. But she’s doing ok tonite. Not in too much pain or too groggy from the drugs. Just wanted to tell you that we did think about you as we were changing out gauze every 30 minutes and doing the whole ice off/on thing. Hope you had a great signing in Denver and wish we could have been there!

  121. I grew up in Pittsburgh (woah…. never publicly admitted that before) and yinz guyz just don’t know ‘dem words right n’at.

    Kelly recently posted Raising a Cry Baby.

  122. Now that’s ‘a whole nother story’. I have heard this phrase often. It drives me crazy!!

  123. “PIN number”

    I hear it every day. Yours is worse, but also new. Maybe it won’t catch on?

    Jen recently posted Elka and her puddle, round 2 (now with more splashing!).

  124. People make me cry. I can’t wait to see you on Wednesday in Oregon! Driving two hours to meet you!

  125. Desk… desses. Arrrg, even when I was in grammar school, that bothered me.
    Also, “Can I go to the bathroom?” and the teacher would always answer “I don’t know, can you?” That one still makes me giggle.

  126. well, Jenny (and I do truly admire you) perhaps you and especially your commenters never heard of stuff what peeps call vernacular, regional, patois, dialect, all that stuff innit. often closer to more original forms of language than what we spout now.
    i was totally happy to live in texas for a number of years (Austin, early 70s) and I never minded all that y’all at all. except when people used it the same way as a man uses cowboy boots outside his jeans.
    this is all pretty petty stuff. and verging on “we is the only ones what is allowed to talk what we thinks is all correct” and that.
    language is a good material to sculpt, y’all.
    So:
    Two men are at the bar. One says “Where are you from?”
    The other says “I’m from a place where we don’t end sentences with a preposition.”
    Then the first guy says “So, where are you from, fuckhead?”
    ok
    Mick

  127. The following Wikipedia article might be interesting to all y’all.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/English_consonant_cluster_reductions

  128. The only thing worse in my opinion? The term “baby daddy” or “baby momma”. Because you know, saying “the father of my child” is really hard. P.S. I will see you in Seattle!

  129. It reminds me of that song in the Disney movie ‘Dumbo’:

    “Well I be done seen about everything
    When I see an elephant fly”

    Thems is some good words right there, I don’t care who ya are.

    Kristen Mae recently posted A Fresh Start, Some Crazy, and a Prayer for a Gift Horse.

  130. did anyone say spasghetti?

  131. 132
    Cassie Sue

    I was laughing the other day when I saw a sign that stated:

    “Free” tire alignment check

    Hubby didn’t see what was so funny, and I tried to explain that the quotation marks were sarcastic like when someone uses air quotes and he called me a nerd. But maybe it was just truth in advertising since it probably is not free. 🙂

  132. I went to your reading tonight in Denver and you were awesome! I was too anxious to say this when you were signing my book, but I just wanted to say thank you. Your depression lies video really touched me and it made it ok for me to ask for help.

  133. So pleased to see someone else has pointed out that there’s a big difference between bad grammar and grammar used in a dialect. I’m willing to bet the lady overheard saying “use kids” was actually saying “youse”. It might be ugly but it’s a standard substitution for “you” in many parts of the world including parts of the USA.

  134. Nek minnit you be bashin Victor for geek speak.

    Chill, dude.

    HogsAteMySister recently posted Insidious Latte.

  135. i’m with bani and Caryn here. i’m a huge fan of vernacular, colloquialisms, and patois. team descriptivist!

    granted, i came across a job application at the census, explaining a ticket, “it was 4 writing a check…”, and my jaw dropped, “did you just TEXT the u.s government ?!?”.

    http://stancarey.wordpress.com/2010/02/16/descriptivism-vs-prescriptivism-war-is-over-if-you-want-it/

  136. Is it strange that the comment doesn’t bother me? Don’t get me wrong…I’m the grammar/spelling police, but that phraseology seems like an almost cultural expression. Also, possibly, our culture is fucking illiterate.

    Ann recently posted All I Need Is Love.

  137. Thank you so much (again) for coming to Denver! You are lovely and fantastic and incredibly brave in person, even more than you are in Blogland. Safe travels!

    Woman with a Hatchet recently posted So you say you want to get in shape....

  138. Can someone please translate the original sentence? What does it even meeeeeeeeaaaaaannnn? (typo done to simulate whining)

  139. Fer shure!

    Cheryl D. recently posted 5 Cool Things about Menopause.

  140. Once had a grown man order “basketti and meatballs” from me when I was a waitress, he thought that was how it was said. I tried so hard not to laugh but I did. Really awkward.

    Martha Frances recently posted Back to School Resolutions.

  141. irregardless
    i have no ideal
    he stold it
    where you at? (I say this but know it’s wrong)
    Susan D #84 – thew – LOL!

  142. Using ‘arks’ instead of ‘ask’ wtf is that all about? We have a whole generation of Londoners who suddenly want to sound like they is from the hood….innit…..

    Sam recently posted Intellectuals discuss……...

  143. 144
    Debs (Findawe)

    Oh I love you. To the people above who brought up I/me, apostrophes and especially “would of” I love you too. Lets go on a knee-capping spree.
    I find business jargon often leads me astray – every time I use “action” as a verb I die a little inside.

    Ooh, one more – using “whom” in an attempt to sound clever, but using it incorrectly. I’d explain to these people about the subject of a sentence and the object of a sentence, but they’d just stare at me like I’m an alien. My husband is also getting fed up of being corrected on less/fewer.

  144. 145
    Tania Townsend

    Are you sure she wasn’t taking the piss? If not…. I love you…’Merica

    Tan from ‘Straylya

  145. What part of the south were you visiting? Overheard while returning our Uhaul… “un un, it’s not my card that don’t work, I gots the money, your machines is broke”

    Laura recently posted One year younger.

  146. There aren’t even words to describe the sadness I’m feeling for the public school system right now. *sigh*

    Chris Dean recently posted Crusade For Wee-Free Potty Seats.

  147. Denver…. Microbrew. Getya (like that one – getya) some and have fun.

    TheFeelGoodDepot recently posted I’m Not Mad It’s Monday @ The Feel Good Depot.

  148. Overheard a girl arguing with some guy named Hector using her friend as a go between. It ended with her saying, “Tell him that if he’s still there when I get there then he better be ready for an epileptic conversation.” I think she meant epic. Nothing worse than delivering a huge diss and…..not

  149. “How much you give fer that?” = personal favorite
    “Paper or plastic?” “Put that is a passic bag, I be walkin’.” = greatest of all time

  150. My husband, son, and I saw you in Denver last night and had so much fun! We didn’t get to hang out long enough to actually meet you and get our book signed (had to drive an hour home and get the baby to bed), but we LOVED the reading and Q&A. You’re just as awesome in person as I knew you’d be. Enjoy the rest of the tour!

    Audrey recently posted The Mommy Mobile.

  151. Just a FEW words that irritate me:
    Amblance: “the amblance came and took her to the ER”
    Deaf: “you scared me to deaf” – really?? I scared you so badly you can’t hear now??
    Pacific: “let me be pacific” – Ok.. but why not the Atlantic? Or even the Gulf?
    Dwaddle: “Stop dwaddling and hurry up!” – Umm…WTF?! I assume you think I walk like a duck when I take my time?? Thanks a lot jackass.
    anytime ANYONE attempts to speak like Snoop Dog…. Forshizzle. Ugh.

  152. One of my bosses has no spelling or grammar skills whatsoever and wisely has me proofread just about everything he writes. I’ve seen some doozies. One time he was trying to use the word “peruse” and spelled it “parooz”. I actually wondered at first if this was maybe some hip new urban slang I wasn’t familiar with. It wasn’t.

  153. I love reading The Blogess and have spent a very long time happily reading posts and comments without feeling the urge to add my two cents, but…

    Having just returned from two years in Scotland I wanted to address ones of particular peeves that has been mentioned multiple times because I find it interesting (skip to the next comment now if you aren’t fussed about geographic nuances).

    My sweater needs washed. Those trousers need ironed. This mess needs sorted.

    These strangely contracted sentences drove me nuts and screamed ‘uneducated English’ until I actually discussed it with a Scot. Not so much written, but verbally this form is completely correct in Scotland. I’d be interested to know if the areas commenters are posting from have a tradition of Scottish immigrants at all!

    Although we all call it English I definitely agree that we need to be careful to separate out dialect from error.

    Keep on Bloggess-ing…we love you!

  154. AND I didn’t proofread my own comment. BlogGess. Well done me!

  155. My BFF says “It don’t make me no difference” but I still love her…most of the time. 😉

  156. ambalance
    chimley
    him and me
    me and him
    Where’s it at?
    I’m saving the best for last: “I done gone and throwed that away.”

  157. Language is beautiful, even the dumb, grammar-deficient (or in this case, grammarmaciated) kind. Think! It’s a slippery slope to doublespeak. This could be code for fight the system!

    hohmeisw recently posted Good news, everyone!.

  158. My late Granddaddy was the head of maintenance and the boiler engineer for a junior high school in southwest DC. One day on the bus he overheard one student ask another “Is you did you Greek?”

  159. 160
    Southern Fried Pugs

    Susan D. was spot on with the insight on local news. A local young man was injured in a shooting. His mother was interviewed on one of our local channels, explaining to the interviewer how she attempted to keep her son conscious. “Stay woke,

  160. I didn’t see it addressed anywhere else but I may have missed it.. commenter number 84 – you said Bush used “New-clee-ur” and it drove you crazy. I might be missing something, but I think that is the correct pronunciation. Perhaps you are confusing him with Carter who said “new-que-lur”

  161. Like Lewis Black always says. “If it weren’t for my horse I’d have never made it through that year of college.” But, you can “axe” me about that or Google it yourself later.

    Smokeynall recently posted The First Goalie Post..

  162. There is a blog I (used) to read. i stopped when I read “my friends and I went and seen The Avengers this weekend”. Really? This shit makes me sad.

  163. I was at the reading in Denver and you rocked it. We had to drive back to Cheyenne, and my number was 224 for the book signing, so I just switched my book out for a pre-signed one. But even that makes me super happy!

    Thanks for coming to the Front Range!

    Kitten Thunder's Girl recently posted Things that go bump.

  164. I moved to the south from civilization and my list of pet peeves got much longer
    New England peeves:
    flustrated (frustrated)
    supposively (supposedly)
    supposebly (still supposedly)
    Country wide peeves:
    eXcetera (etc. or et cetera)
    eXpresso (espresso)
    aks or axe (ask)
    eXspecially (especially)
    misCHEEV-Eous (it’s mischief not misCHEEVE so mischievous sounds like miss-chiff-ous)
    and now for the southern peeves:
    I got drug ( was dragged)
    I brung you or brang you (brought…and hopefully you BRANG me an f***ing dictionary I can hit you with)

    and ok, maybe FL isn’t really the south, but I have never heard such atrocious English before. It’s like they are raping the language constantly here!

    Linny recently posted Vintage Red Velvet Cape-Hey There Little Red Riding Hood-Opera Cape-Full Length by linbot1.

  165. 166
    thebewilderness

    I have no idea what that expression means now. Fifty years ago when I was in middle school it was said with a side to side head shake and a fist on the hip to indicate that she had done everything she could think of to no avail.

  166. 167
    Robyn A. Webb

    I was lucky enough to attend your book reading on Monday, in Denver. I just want to thank you again for being you. You are such an inspiration for someone with a mental illness. I am someone who has found strength in your words and in your readers comment. I cannot express enough how much you have helped me battle my depression and anxiety. Thank you for teaching me that it does lie and for saying that it lies on Monday night.

  167. I once had an English teacher who wrote on a worksheet that “spelling, neatness and grammar is important.”

  168. Liberry? Really? I just suffered through an old Batman TV episode where they used painful logic to go from the Riddler’s “dishonest cheesecake” clue to “strawberry cheesecake”, to “lie-berry cheesecake”, to “The Riddler’s going to hold up the library!!” I couldn’t stay long enough to find out why the library would have enough money to make it worth robbing. I guess Gotham’s citizens pay a lot of late fees on their library books.

  169. This is the shortest post that has ever made me LAUGH OUT LOUD TILL MY STOMACH HURTS!!! What did you DO in that elevator? I don’t know if I would have laughed then and there or hurled. Maybe a little bit of both. Then I could tell people, “Hurling in an elevator? Oh, I BEEN done did that.” And to Linny, Florida is TOTALLY the South. How much more South can you get? LOL… I know, people tend not to think of FL as DEEP South in terms of mindset, but I have been reminded more than once that if you set foot out of Miami, you can definitely find Deep South mentality. This is sad on so many levels though…BEEN DONE DID THAT? REALLY? THREE VERBS in that fucking sentence to get one action idea across? Oh God…I want to laugh and cry at the same time.

    Leila recently posted The Not-So-Sad Truth.

  170. Patty (#164), at least you know HOW to write USED TO. Do you know how many times I see “I use to go to that mall” etc. Or my other fave, “She was suppose to pick me up at 8.” One FUCKING “d” and it just….messes it all up. But to me it shows that people ARENT THINKING ABOUT WHAT THE HELL THEY’RE SAYING/WRITING. Either that or I’m just an anal asshole about this shit, which I will be the first to admit. I…just can’t deal. I…can’t.

    Leila recently posted The Not-So-Sad Truth.

  171. My favorite from Richmond “Who be done did batterize me?”

    We think she was asking who hit her, but it’s an open question.

  172. No! How did I miss you were in Denver?! I so would have been there – I drove right past!

  173. My two current grind-worthy grammar peeves:

    “It was a very unique piece of jewelry.”

    AND

    “I went and got my hair did for date night.”

  174. I once asked my husband if something was new, he replied that, no – he’d been had it.
    He did have the grace to look mortified afterwards.

    And overheard in Target – “Reach me some of those towels, girl. Ooh, they pretty!”

  175. Elevators rock…

  176. I cannot cope with the following: “Congradulations,” “Valentime’s Day,” “expresso,” “Silvenirs” (for souvenirs).

  177. I recently went to the library to update my membership card. I nearly turned around and walked out when the librarian was telling me about the “liberry” hours. She said “liberry” more than once and each time I wondered if she noticed my cringe in reply. It must be the end-times.

  178. I was leaving work, I work at the mothership of yoga retreats in the Berkshires, after 10 one night (I’m a massage therapist, we have the most absurd hours) and I heard a woman say, “you can see the Milky Way, I thought that was, like, a myth.”

    It’s not as good as she been done did that, because you’re right, there is no topping that, but it all makes me fear for the future of our country.

    Tara recently posted Positivity And The 3:1 Ratio.

  179. From a hand-made sign posted on my college newspaper’s managing editor’s wall:

    Southern mother (think Appalachian accent) encouraging her child to leave the crawlspace below their porch: “Now you come on out from down in of underneath there.”

    Seven prepositions in a row? Too. Freaking. Cute.

  180. I once heard a man say: “He just ain’t got no know better.”

  181. If I am translating correctly, this means:

    “But I thought she did that, and finished it, a long time ago!”

    Consider: “But I thought she did that” is the basic meaning, but “done did” means she did it, and she finished it, and “been did that” would mean she did it, and has been doing it for a long time, so “been done did” means did it and finished it a long time ago.

    Though by no means standard, these irregular usages do exist in a number of what most people would consider slang dialects.

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