Oh, autocorrect

Screenshot of a text conversation between Victor and his friend Jason:

Awesome.

211 thoughts on “Oh, autocorrect

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I’m fairly certain that autocorrect wasn’t created to actually correct words so much as harass the shit out of everybody. It’s a huge cosmic joke. Much like sex.

  2. Yikes. Pre-coffee comments are NOT a good idea. “And I thought all that stuff was photoshopped.”

  3. My autocorrect has the dirtiest mind! I finally had to turn it off because it kept sending the most inappropriate things when I was texting my grandparents. Awkward. Also, so awesome that my grandparents text, right?

  4. I have miraculously avoided making awkward sex typos to anyone. I’m probably overdue to tell my mother in law that I have a throbbing crotch or something.

  5. Yikes. Pre-coffee comments are NOT a good idea, unless you want them to make absolutely no sense.

  6. I don’t think it has ANYTHING to do with how many times you’ve said a word. I recently had “haven’t” autocorrected to “hantavirus”… how many times has THAT come up in conversation?!?!

  7. The worst auto-correct I had on my phone was when I was at the airport waiting to board a flight. My friend and I were texting while I was waiting, and she asked me if I had Dramamine. I replied that I don’t need it but I have Tums. I almost fell out of my chair laughing when my phone felt it necessary to say “I have runs”, when I didn’t. That would have sucked – being on an airplane with the runs. Anyway, I had a nice quiet flight, because no one would talk to the crazy laughing lady.

  8. Very important to account for all the big cocks. I may need to see this spreadsheet. You know, just to make sure it’s accurate. Ahem.

  9. If the cocks are that big, you shouldn’t have to spend too much time looking for them. I’d think they’d be pretty damn obvious.

  10. in this case it is one hundred percent correct. The big cocks are all accounted for. I should know, I share an office with them along with various other shit munchers and knob ends….

  11. I loved when I moved to Bethel and autocorrect changed it to Brothel in a message to my mother!

  12. In my spreadsheet experience, I had found that I do not have to spend much time finding the big cocks. I think they usually stand out pretty quickly all on their own.

    And that is why we. Love. Them.

  13. I get Jason. I spend way too much time with finding the big cocks too.

    Autocorrect once told my friend it’s a good thing I fondled her. I meant it was a good thing I was fond of her, but I’d be lying if I wasn’t at least a little jealous of autocorrect for getting to second base like that.

  14. Autocorrect has really put in so tricky situations with my mother, tho it does remember words you use the most. How often does Victor write the word cocks?

    Thats the real question here ;-P

  15. OMG so glad I’ve learned to read your posts with inhaler nearby. need to stock screen cleaner.

  16. Autocorrect greatest moment for me was when it corrected poem which I spelt correctly to porn. For no reason that’s not a word I type often however as an English Major I bitch about poetry all the time. I too have trained it to stop correcting swears. I remember the days of having to change duck over and over

  17. It sounds like VIctor has found your next anniversary gift. Also, a companion for Beyonce. Just wait until they start pro-creating!

    ~EdT.

  18. I love Jason’s reaction, “Holy shit”. He totally was dealing with a frightening mental image at that moment.

  19. Quote: Emily October 11, 2012 at 7:52 am
    So I wonder how many times you have to say โ€œcocksโ€ before your phone autocorrects words to it.

    I wonder that too ๐Ÿ˜€

  20. I think auto-correct is the computer nerds’ revenge against the masses for ostracizing them in their youth. They’re all laughing their asses off at us ordinary folk while they roll around in their money.

  21. I was married to a big cock for 15 years. If he is now my Ex-big cock, does that make him a little cock now?

  22. This just reminded me of an occasion when I was out shopping with my mum and my sister. My sister found a lovely couch cushion patterned with roosters. I of course had to loudly ask, “Hey, who doesn’t want to sit on a giant cock?” Hilarity ensued.

  23. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with accounting for all the big cocks. There’s only so many out there so you need to herd them into a corral and keep an eye on them for future use.

    The RB

  24. One of the first things I do is turn off autocorrect.

    If there are any typos in my missives, they’re mine. I own them.

    Don’t let technology do too much thinking for us, lest we forget how.

  25. First, cocks don’t bite, they peck (ergo – PECKERS)

    And when I texted my boss to tell her to plug in the external hard drive using the black cord under my keyboard, she was told to get the slut whore under my keyboard. THAT was some awesome fun. We never did find that slut.

  26. The world is full of cocks. It’s about time we got an accurate count!

    Please, thank Victor for his dedication and commitment to this horrific oversight in our society.

  27. Sometimes I really hate autocorrect. I’m all “NO that is not what I meant”…but then sometimes…well, this.

  28. BWAHAHA

    For some reason, the word completion on my word processing program thinks I want to type “Motherfucker” every time I get as far as typing “moth”.

  29. AAAAAAAAAAHAHHAHAHHAHA omg, hilarious!!! Autocorrect is our enemy! Lately, while texting I’ve started randomly typing letters in the hope that autocorrect chooses the one word I want to write….

  30. Who does Victor work for? I think I may need a job seeking out the big cocks myself…

  31. And that right there is why I don’t want an iPhone. Good Lord. However, this is funny as hell.

  32. Sorry to be a spoil-sport, but no.

    ‘ck’ is nowhere close enough to ‘st’ to be an even reasonably possible typo. c and s, *MAYBE* (but you’d have to have really bad aim,) but k and t? No way.

    And when I TRY (type “co” then take off my glasses and purposefully blur my vision even more, then tap approximately in the middle between where I think the two letters are,) I get an autocorrect suggestion of “Cody’s”

    A few of these autocorrect fails may be possible but I have a feeling that nearly all of the “famous” ones are contrived. (ESPECIALLY the ones that involve a contact named solely “Mom” or “Dad”.)

  33. This is why I always turn auto correction off on my phone. Also, it explains why my tutorial on my blog about how to turn off auto correct on the HTC OneX has over 2,200 views…

  34. I was going to leave a witty comment on this post, but as it turns out, the readers/commenters on this blog are hilarious and have taken all my comments already!

    I suppose I should be mad, that my witticism is now left untapped, but I guess I should be happy, as it seems that there are probably enough big cocks to go around. Sharing is caring, you guys.

  35. Wow. Sometimes life gives such beautiful, unexpected gifts, and then we are reminded that the world is a good and happy place after all. This is one such gift. Thanks for sharing the cock love.

  36. I assure you that I account for all of the big cocks on my spreadsheets…..they are so glaringly obvious you can’t miss them ๐Ÿ™‚

  37. Thank you Stephanie you’ve given me a new sig-line quote!
    >If there are any typos in my missives, theyโ€™re mine. I own them.

    We’re made for each other, will you be my best friend? ๐Ÿ˜‰

  38. Thank you Stephanie you’ve given me a new sig-line quote!
    >If there are any typos in my missives, theyโ€™re mine. I own them.

    We’re made for each other, will you be my best friend? ๐Ÿ˜‰

  39. My doctor has voice recognition software that she uses instead of manually making notes in your file…everytime she say’s Polysporin it comes up Polish Porn!!! Gotta love technology!

  40. Last week I told my husband to bring home some “petite boiled loads” from the market…

  41. Of all the crazy cries and pointed attacks that come out of my husband’s mouth, the top one is “DAMN AUTOCORRECT!!!”

  42. Last night, we were throwing around shapes with my two year old like a competition sort of – I would say square, my husband would say rectangle, my two year “circle” etc. Just basically taking turns yelling random shapes in an “I LOVE LAMP” fashion. Then, the next round, my two year old just shouts “COCK.” And me and my husband were like ????????? no clue what the fuck shape he was even aiming for. Maybe he just has a good sense of humor…

  43. You know, I’m pretty impressed by how serious their conversation was. Well, you know, until.

    I think autocorrect is like Easter eggs: something programmers do to amuse themselves. We’re on to you, programmers. Don’t ever change.

  44. Someone at my office was trying to save space and abbreviate Assigned Analyst as of 09/15/2012 – guess what they came up with and sent to the whole team? Ass Anal as of 9/15/12 – NO JOKE I even tweeted it out. Bwahhahaha. I am twelve.

  45. “So I wonder how many times you have to say โ€œcocksโ€ before your phone autocorrects words to it.”

    I have no idea, but I can tell you it took less than a week for my iPhone to learn that I rarely, if ever, refer to things as “ducking.”

  46. Someone already mentioned it, but yes…Ellen would love that one on her “Clumbsy Thumbsy” segment, she also has a funny one called “apPARENTly Confused” or something like that which highlights non tech savvy moms and dads as they completely mess up texting slang. It is hilarious!

  47. BAHAHAHA oh man. Yes, it is extremely important to have the big cocks accounted for. Truly, I would be rather concerned if they weren’t…

    In related news, I can’t even go to Damnyouautocorrect.com anymore. I end up dissolving into a puddle of tears wrought by hysterical laughter every time.

  48. Ya know, my Android has NEVER screwed me over by doing this crap. hence, why me no have an iPhone.

  49. Oh autocorrect, you destroyer of dignity, how I love you. Except when you do nasty things to me. Then I want to beat you with a tire iron. But mostly you’re funny.

  50. I get a kick out of the fact that he’s laughing so hard he can’t even type out ‘everybody is staring’ at me *LOL*

  51. File this under “Things Victor cares about more than money”. Use this whenever he bitches about the next random thing you bring home.

    Him: “You paid how much for that??”
    You: “I know you don’t really care how much it costs. Remember what your autocorrect showed us, honey.”

  52. I’m pretty sure that the guys who design auto correct do this on purpose. the command reads something like this “search for inappropriate words that could legitimately replace this one”

  53. Autocorrect once propositioned my bestie to a *tongue shower*, when I simply wanted to go *to the (bridal) shower* with her. Slightly awkward with her boyfriend reading over her shoulder.

  54. Ok, seriously! I can’t read your blog on the sly (at work!) if you are going to make me laugh out loud! How do I explain that I was more concerned about big cocks than what I am supposed to be working on?!

    Thank you for giving me something to smile about!

  55. I firmly believe that autocorrect is actually a sentient being, trapped inside our phones, for whom life’s only entertainment is screwing with our heads. This is the only explanation for why my phone refuses to learn the word Fuck, but learned to auto input twatwaffle almost instantly.

  56. @Ashleigh

    Well, if you take care of the big cocks, the little cocks will take care of themselves.

    ( cue the Lawsbians singing “I like big cocks and I cannot lie, you othah sistahs can’t deny, when a guy walks in with a tight little waist and a schwingthing in yo’ face… “)

  57. Autocorrect once told my friend that I was “Thawing meat for sloppy hoes” for dinner. We laughed for a really long time over that one.

  58. I just spewed water across my desk. Too damn funny! Auto correct is an auto pain in the ass. Last week in a text with a business contact (who was female) my husband’s auto correct changed “things” to “thongs” ….soooo, he ended up asking her “how are thongs with you”. He immediately, and very humiliated, sent a correction. Luckily she had a great sense of humor and said thongs worked great for her.

  59. Too funny. Reminds me of when my iPhone changed “holidays” to “Holocaust” and I sent out a bulk message wishing all my referral sources, colleagues and vendors Happy Holocaust!

  60. Genius. Autocorrect has replaced film cameras. With film cameras you could get hilarious blooper photos but because of digital that all went away. Autocorrect has brought back the blooper reel!

  61. That is some funny shit!! Auto correct is the bane of my existence too, but I’ve never ended up with something quite this funny. ๐Ÿ™‚

  62. My android phone auto corrects Sonoma (a lovely town in CA’s wine country) to sodomy. What kind of freaks are working at Google?!

  63. I have decided auto correct either has penis envy or some sort of Napoleon complex. Thing never talks about little cocks, probably because poor auto correct is hyper sensitive about what the good lord didn’t give him.

    Buck up auto correct, size really doesn’t matter. Or maybe it does…

  64. wow. this is serious blog fodder. so many comments. “i spend all my time looking for big cocks?” “big cocks do certainly need to be accounted for.” “accounting for big cocks is time consuming.” and on and on and on.

  65. You know what they say, “Never account for your cocks till they are fully extended.” WORD!

  66. My sister was texting me the words “red wine vinegar” for a recipe once and her phone auto-(in)corrected wine vinegar to chin badger, so random. I now have my sister’s cell number listed as Chin Badger now.

  67. There actually aren’t enough big cocks to go around. We live in an abundance of substandard, ordinary, and downright teeny cocks, that a truly big one is a sight to behold. I hope they are keeping track of all of them, you know, just in case we need one.

  68. Never thought of keeping track of all t=my big cocks in a spreadsheet. Much easier to carry around than a little black book.

  69. I’m so glad *someone* is working on that spreadsheet.
    A girl has better things to do with her time …

  70. The funniest autocorrect I have heard was from my boss, named Dusty, who told us about how he text messaged someone he just met in a business meeting and wanted to tie his name to the phone number. So the message she got… “Hello, I am Dirty.”

    I think she will remember him.

  71. Hilarious. I feel so much safer knowing that the big cocks have all been accounted for. Was that spellcheck? Cuz one has to wonder why Apple is defaulting to “cocks”.

  72. My worst/funniest autocorrect happened when I was texting my dad….I typed ‘Okie dokie’ and my phone changed it to ‘Okie dildo’.

  73. I’d just like to know, is there a formula in Excel for adding up big cocks? Can we get that data in a bar graph, and can the bars be shaped like penises so I’m clear on what’s going on?

  74. One of my favorite emails ever at work was when an underwriter told me we should wait “until we have all of our dicks are in a row”.

  75. Classic! And by the way, you owe me a new computer since I just spit coffee all over it! When will I learn not to read your blog with liquid in my mouth?!

  76. bahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!! ((Deep Breath)) Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    ((deep breaths)) heeheeehee….Come on. Pull it together, its not that funny. Heehee…ahem.

    ((snorts)) Big Cocks…hahahahaha!

  77. Jenny,
    I just wanted to tell you, I tagged you in a blog challenge. I know you’re super busy and famous, but I am a big fan. I’ve already read and recommended “Let’s Pretend this Never Happened,” although I couldn’t read it while waiting for my toddler to fall asleep, because I would either snort or laugh out loud or snarf, and inevitably wake him up.
    Anyway, thanks for writing a great, great book!
    Laura

  78. Damn You Autocorrect is the best! I always go look at it when I am having a bad day. My friends and I once had a drunken Facebook group chat (well, all but the pregnant one were drunk), and just quoted lines from DYAC to each other. The pregnant one peed her pants! My most memorable autocorrect moment was when it turned the beginnings of my “having” into “haberdashery” I left it, because WTF? Do people really talk about haberdashery that much that it needs to be the suggested word?

  79. This reminds me of the text I received from my friend Jess the other day.

    JESS: I like big nuts and I cannot lie!
    ME: ???
    JESS: The raisins can’t deny!
    ME: What?
    JESS: When M&M’s walk in with their chocolatey taste and candy in my face I get SPRUNG!
    ME: I don’t get it.
    JESS: I’m Sir Trail Mixx A Lot.

    I need new friends.

  80. I finally had to turn off the auto correct on my phone because it really was costing me more time since I kept having to retype everything it guessed incorrectly…LOL.

  81. If the cocks are that big, it shouldn’t be too time consuming to find it. Just look for the guy with the big…. swagger.

  82. Maybe the big cocks went to Austin too. The incomplete message above tells me that Austin is the place to be…

  83. I’m just wondering the title of the spreadsheet and what else they are accounting for. Could be some really helpful information on there!

  84. This reminds me of the time that my boss gave me a note about a client audit in his ridiculous handwriting that I swear said “give enemas” when he actually meant to write “open invoices.”

  85. don’t be fooled by the cocks that she’s got,
    she’s still, she’s still jenny from the blog!

    i know, i know, you all hate me for making you sing that. admit it though: you *are* singing along….

  86. Thank you for making my day and making me laugh. I needed that and am crying tears of auto-correct joy. You are amazing.

    Also, all the big cocks should be accounted for. There should be a registry out there for the poor single and recently divorced women of the world. New dating service idea. Take that, Millionaire Matchmaker.

  87. Speaking of auto correct . . .
    If you haven’t already done so, you MUST watch Part 3 of your brave, wonderful You Tube videos on depression with the closed captioning on. The beta version of the audio transcription is truly hilarious. For example “I have impossible disorder and smiled as he d and hats and some cramping sunburst montana.”
    Thank you for being you.

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