Screenshot of a text conversation between Victor and his friend Jason:
Awesome.
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Hailey wrote a 10 minute play for school called Happy Fun Times and it won the audience choice award last night! So proud of them.
My doctor is ghosting me.
May we all have as much joy as Dorothy Barker when the treat drawer opens.
Dear anonymous stranger who left this for me: you saved me right back. Thank you.
ALL THE COOL KIDS ADVERTISE HERE:
I fucking love these people & not just because they support my wine-slushee habit:
It is VERY important to account for all the big cocks at all times.
Righteous.
It must have been Beyonce he was looking for! hahahahaha
Aahahaaahahahaaaaa!!!!!
I’m fairly certain that autocorrect wasn’t created to actually correct words so much as harass the shit out of everybody. It’s a huge cosmic joke. Much like sex.
The big cocks usually are.
That must be a pretty big spreadsheet, too.
Big cocks named Beyonce.
At least SOMEONE is accounting for them.
So I wonder how many times you have to say “cocks” before your phone autocorrects words to it.
And I thought all that stuff was made photoshopped.
SO funny! I love the autocorrects on my phone, too. I have taught it to *not* autocorrect swear words, which helps me communicate more clearly.
I don’t see anything wrong in this. It’s important to keep all your big cocks in a row. Best practice is all.
OMG yes! made my morning.
Yikes. Pre-coffee comments are NOT a good idea. “And I thought all that stuff was photoshopped.”
My autocorrect has the dirtiest mind! I finally had to turn it off because it kept sending the most inappropriate things when I was texting my grandparents. Awkward. Also, so awesome that my grandparents text, right?
I have miraculously avoided making awkward sex typos to anyone. I’m probably overdue to tell my mother in law that I have a throbbing crotch or something.
Too funny! Auto correct loves me – it changes my street name Voss to Boss, but will take Westheimer. WTF?
Yikes. Pre-coffee comments are NOT a good idea, unless you want them to make absolutely no sense.
I’m laughing so hard I don’t even know what to say! Gawd love autocorrect!
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: if you don’t account for the big cocks, one’s bound to jump out and bite you.
I don’t think it has ANYTHING to do with how many times you’ve said a word. I recently had “haven’t” autocorrected to “hantavirus”… how many times has THAT come up in conversation?!?!
If cocks get out of control, we’ll have anarchy! Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together…mass hysteria!
The worst auto-correct I had on my phone was when I was at the airport waiting to board a flight. My friend and I were texting while I was waiting, and she asked me if I had Dramamine. I replied that I don’t need it but I have Tums. I almost fell out of my chair laughing when my phone felt it necessary to say “I have runs”, when I didn’t. That would have sucked – being on an airplane with the runs. Anyway, I had a nice quiet flight, because no one would talk to the crazy laughing lady.
Isn’t Beyonce a big cock?
If I didn’t know Beyonce was a girl, I would’ve thought Victor still isn’t over that shopping extravaganza.
Very important to account for all the big cocks. I may need to see this spreadsheet. You know, just to make sure it’s accurate. Ahem.
For me, it keeps changing “better” to “beaver”. Not good.
Autocorrect is the devil. A very funny devil at times, but still the devil.
If the cocks are that big, you shouldn’t have to spend too much time looking for them. I’d think they’d be pretty damn obvious.
I just turned auto correct off on my phone…. Someone at Apple has a very dirty mind…
If you have to deal with spread sheets, there should be some big cocks involved.
in this case it is one hundred percent correct. The big cocks are all accounted for. I should know, I share an office with them along with various other shit munchers and knob ends….
Thank god because you never want to leave a big cock unaccounted for…
I loved when I moved to Bethel and autocorrect changed it to Brothel in a message to my mother!
What I want to know is, what was “spreadsheet” supposed to really say?
In my spreadsheet experience, I had found that I do not have to spend much time finding the big cocks. I think they usually stand out pretty quickly all on their own.
And that is why we. Love. Them.
I get Jason. I spend way too much time with finding the big cocks too.
Autocorrect once told my friend it’s a good thing I fondled her. I meant it was a good thing I was fond of her, but I’d be lying if I wasn’t at least a little jealous of autocorrect for getting to second base like that.
Autocorrect has really put in so tricky situations with my mother, tho it does remember words you use the most. How often does Victor write the word cocks?
Thats the real question here ;-P
OMG so glad I’ve learned to read your posts with inhaler nearby. need to stock screen cleaner.
LMAO, somehow you always know when I need a great laugh. That was awesome.
Autocorrect greatest moment for me was when it corrected poem which I spelt correctly to porn. For no reason that’s not a word I type often however as an English Major I bitch about poetry all the time. I too have trained it to stop correcting swears. I remember the days of having to change duck over and over
and was he looking at Beyonce? 😀
If he needs a spreadsheet to keep track of all the big cocks, I just have one question…
What exactly does Victor do for a living?
Every time I type my username at work, autocorrect tries to make it “Furious.” It’d be a great superhero name for sure.
It sounds like VIctor has found your next anniversary gift. Also, a companion for Beyonce. Just wait until they start pro-creating!
~EdT.
i attended the university of south carolina. all we have around here are BIG COCKS!
Auto-correct is painful for me when I am working, but so damn funny sometimes
omg, that’s the breast! i mean the best!
Big Metal Cocks!
..meanwhile, at the porn studio’s accounting office….
That Siri. She is one dirty girl. Twisted sense of humor she has, too.
We just need to spend time with finding it, indeed.
Awe. Some.
I love Jason’s reaction, “Holy shit”. He totally was dealing with a frightening mental image at that moment.
This is one of the funniest things I have read in years. It’s a compilation of the 25 best auto correct submissions to the website http://www.damnyouautocorrect.com I’ve read this several times and laughed to the point of tears each time. Enjoy!
http://www.damnyouautocorrect.com/13603/the-25-funniest-autocorrects-of-dyacs-first-year/
Well, if you need help finding anymore big cocks, let me know. I’m game.
Hilarious. Thanks for the morning laugh!
Auto Correct is someone’s big joke on all of us.
The Kidless Kronicles
Quote: Emily October 11, 2012 at 7:52 am
So I wonder how many times you have to say “cocks” before your phone autocorrects words to it.
I wonder that too 😀
This just in: Auto Ccorrect has won the 2012 Nobel Prize for Literature!
I think auto-correct is the computer nerds’ revenge against the masses for ostracizing them in their youth. They’re all laughing their asses off at us ordinary folk while they roll around in their money.
The scar thing is: what if all the big cocks were NOT accounted for? Holy shit indeed.
I was married to a big cock for 15 years. If he is now my Ex-big cock, does that make him a little cock now?
I think the government typically frowns on you claiming that kind of income…
This just reminded me of an occasion when I was out shopping with my mum and my sister. My sister found a lovely couch cushion patterned with roosters. I of course had to loudly ask, “Hey, who doesn’t want to sit on a giant cock?” Hilarity ensued.
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with accounting for all the big cocks. There’s only so many out there so you need to herd them into a corral and keep an eye on them for future use.
The RB
One of the first things I do is turn off autocorrect.
If there are any typos in my missives, they’re mine. I own them.
Don’t let technology do too much thinking for us, lest we forget how.
First, cocks don’t bite, they peck (ergo – PECKERS)
And when I texted my boss to tell her to plug in the external hard drive using the black cord under my keyboard, she was told to get the slut whore under my keyboard. THAT was some awesome fun. We never did find that slut.
The world is full of cocks. It’s about time we got an accurate count!
Please, thank Victor for his dedication and commitment to this horrific oversight in our society.
Sometimes I really hate autocorrect. I’m all “NO that is not what I meant”…but then sometimes…well, this.
Gotta love the almighty Auto-correct.
I just choked on my coffee.
Well that brings new meaning to knock knock motherfucker.
BWAHAHA
For some reason, the word completion on my word processing program thinks I want to type “Motherfucker” every time I get as far as typing “moth”.
I love big cocks – er – uh, never mind.
AAAAAAAAAAHAHHAHAHHAHA omg, hilarious!!! Autocorrect is our enemy! Lately, while texting I’ve started randomly typing letters in the hope that autocorrect chooses the one word I want to write….
Well, thank God the big cocks are accounted for. Thanks for the laugh.
Ah….the little joys that technology brings us…. 😀
Send this into the Ellen show. She has a segment called clumbsy thumbsy 🙂
Kind of like the guy who built a big dick for his party – there were probably big cocks involved with that too lol
Auto correct mistakes are seriously the funniest shit EVER. Maybe instead of getting frustrated with them we should see them as a comedic gift.
And all this time you said Victor worked with swords. I had no idea you were being symbolic.
Who does Victor work for? I think I may need a job seeking out the big cocks myself…
Did you get a giant metal rooster and not tell us about it?
And that right there is why I don’t want an iPhone. Good Lord. However, this is funny as hell.
One must always be sure to find all the big cocks. And then fund them to keep them, um, coming. Ahem.
Sorry to be a spoil-sport, but no.
‘ck’ is nowhere close enough to ‘st’ to be an even reasonably possible typo. c and s, *MAYBE* (but you’d have to have really bad aim,) but k and t? No way.
And when I TRY (type “co” then take off my glasses and purposefully blur my vision even more, then tap approximately in the middle between where I think the two letters are,) I get an autocorrect suggestion of “Cody’s”
A few of these autocorrect fails may be possible but I have a feeling that nearly all of the “famous” ones are contrived. (ESPECIALLY the ones that involve a contact named solely “Mom” or “Dad”.)
This is why I always turn auto correction off on my phone. Also, it explains why my tutorial on my blog about how to turn off auto correct on the HTC OneX has over 2,200 views…
My autocorrect automatically follows the word “Peach” with “Schnapps.”
I was going to leave a witty comment on this post, but as it turns out, the readers/commenters on this blog are hilarious and have taken all my comments already!
I suppose I should be mad, that my witticism is now left untapped, but I guess I should be happy, as it seems that there are probably enough big cocks to go around. Sharing is caring, you guys.
Wow. Sometimes life gives such beautiful, unexpected gifts, and then we are reminded that the world is a good and happy place after all. This is one such gift. Thanks for sharing the cock love.
I assure you that I account for all of the big cocks on my spreadsheets…..they are so glaringly obvious you can’t miss them 🙂
Thank you Stephanie you’ve given me a new sig-line quote!
>If there are any typos in my missives, they’re mine. I own them.
We’re made for each other, will you be my best friend? 😉
Thank you Stephanie you’ve given me a new sig-line quote!
>If there are any typos in my missives, they’re mine. I own them.
We’re made for each other, will you be my best friend? 😉
My doctor has voice recognition software that she uses instead of manually making notes in your file…everytime she say’s Polysporin it comes up Polish Porn!!! Gotta love technology!
oh I love autocorrect! I just returned to work and my parents watch my daughter once a week. my mother pulled the best, and worst, autocorrect EVER.
http://www.livelafelove.com/2012/10/04/oh-autocorrect/
Say No to Drugs Vivian! SAY NO!
I remember the days of searching for big cocks.
Last week I told my husband to bring home some “petite boiled loads” from the market…
Of all the crazy cries and pointed attacks that come out of my husband’s mouth, the top one is “DAMN AUTOCORRECT!!!”
Last night, we were throwing around shapes with my two year old like a competition sort of – I would say square, my husband would say rectangle, my two year “circle” etc. Just basically taking turns yelling random shapes in an “I LOVE LAMP” fashion. Then, the next round, my two year old just shouts “COCK.” And me and my husband were like ????????? no clue what the fuck shape he was even aiming for. Maybe he just has a good sense of humor…
Thanks for keeping LIFE real because we are all living it.
You know, I’m pretty impressed by how serious their conversation was. Well, you know, until.
I think autocorrect is like Easter eggs: something programmers do to amuse themselves. We’re on to you, programmers. Don’t ever change.
PJ: hysterical.
I’m wondering what kind of column headings are on the spreadsheet and how they collect the data.
Someone at my office was trying to save space and abbreviate Assigned Analyst as of 09/15/2012 – guess what they came up with and sent to the whole team? Ass Anal as of 9/15/12 – NO JOKE I even tweeted it out. Bwahhahaha. I am twelve.
Could be a gift spoiler. Maybe Beyonce is about to find the man, er cock, of her dreams.
DYAC!!
http://www.damnyouautocorrect.com/
Agree with Emily’s comment above.!
Best site for when I’m having a bad day at work.
I wonder what Freud would make of this?
Perhaps Jason is really slutty and has it out for your husband…
You better watch out for that one…
No big cocks here! Just little weiners… 🙂
So waaiiit. If the big cocks have already been accounted for, what is it they need to find again? The small cocks maybe? =P
“So I wonder how many times you have to say “cocks” before your phone autocorrects words to it.”
I have no idea, but I can tell you it took less than a week for my iPhone to learn that I rarely, if ever, refer to things as “ducking.”
Someone already mentioned it, but yes…Ellen would love that one on her “Clumbsy Thumbsy” segment, she also has a funny one called “apPARENTly Confused” or something like that which highlights non tech savvy moms and dads as they completely mess up texting slang. It is hilarious!
BAHAHAHA oh man. Yes, it is extremely important to have the big cocks accounted for. Truly, I would be rather concerned if they weren’t…
In related news, I can’t even go to Damnyouautocorrect.com anymore. I end up dissolving into a puddle of tears wrought by hysterical laughter every time.
That might be one of the best autocorrects I’ve ever seen.
I feel like I’ve texted that to someone before, and not in error. I’m just sayin’.
Auto correct rocks…
Ya know, my Android has NEVER screwed me over by doing this crap. hence, why me no have an iPhone.
Talk about putting the sexy back into accounting. Thank you Victor! How funny.
Exactly how do you get a job accounting for big cocks?
Autocorrect ftw!!!!
Nothing makes me laugh harder than that site!
Oh autocorrect, you destroyer of dignity, how I love you. Except when you do nasty things to me. Then I want to beat you with a tire iron. But mostly you’re funny.
I get a kick out of the fact that he’s laughing so hard he can’t even type out ‘everybody is staring’ at me *LOL*
Always account for the big cocks. You never know when you’ll need them.
I think that means he wants you to buy a mate for Beyonce, she’s lonely.
BAH Autocorrect has the best sense of humor.
Is this anything like not putting all your eggs in one basket? Never leave a big cock unaccounted for.
At least they are all accounted for and not wandering around in that spreadsheet!
File this under “Things Victor cares about more than money”. Use this whenever he bitches about the next random thing you bring home.
Him: “You paid how much for that??”
You: “I know you don’t really care how much it costs. Remember what your autocorrect showed us, honey.”
I would not want to be their accounting auditor
What about the little cocks? Don’t they count for anything?
i love it when all of the big cocks are accounted for.
Finally, Victor doesn’t play the straight guy for once.
Anytime cocks is on your phone screen, it’s funny.
I’m pretty sure that the guys who design auto correct do this on purpose. the command reads something like this “search for inappropriate words that could legitimately replace this one”
This makes me want a giant metal chicken even more.
Now Victor will never win another argument with you. It’ll be:
Victor: NO! I TOLD you that the….
Jenny: Cock.
FTW.
Autocorrect once propositioned my bestie to a *tongue shower*, when I simply wanted to go *to the (bridal) shower* with her. Slightly awkward with her boyfriend reading over her shoulder.
That is exactly why I won’t use autocorrect on my phone. I shut it off the day I got it.
Ok, seriously! I can’t read your blog on the sly (at work!) if you are going to make me laugh out loud! How do I explain that I was more concerned about big cocks than what I am supposed to be working on?!
Thank you for giving me something to smile about!
One should never lets a big cock go unaccounted for.
I firmly believe that autocorrect is actually a sentient being, trapped inside our phones, for whom life’s only entertainment is screwing with our heads. This is the only explanation for why my phone refuses to learn the word Fuck, but learned to auto input twatwaffle almost instantly.
@Ashleigh
Well, if you take care of the big cocks, the little cocks will take care of themselves.
( cue the Lawsbians singing “I like big cocks and I cannot lie, you othah sistahs can’t deny, when a guy walks in with a tight little waist and a schwingthing in yo’ face… “)
Where…to…start…? This one’s almost too easy…
But I’m relieved at least SOMEONE is accounting for the big cocks. It’s an ugly job, but somebody’s got to do it.
Autocorrect once told my friend that I was “Thawing meat for sloppy hoes” for dinner. We laughed for a really long time over that one.
I just spewed water across my desk. Too damn funny! Auto correct is an auto pain in the ass. Last week in a text with a business contact (who was female) my husband’s auto correct changed “things” to “thongs” ….soooo, he ended up asking her “how are thongs with you”. He immediately, and very humiliated, sent a correction. Luckily she had a great sense of humor and said thongs worked great for her.
Soooo freaking funny. I love you guys. So hard like.
Too funny. Reminds me of when my iPhone changed “holidays” to “Holocaust” and I sent out a bulk message wishing all my referral sources, colleagues and vendors Happy Holocaust!
Genius. Autocorrect has replaced film cameras. With film cameras you could get hilarious blooper photos but because of digital that all went away. Autocorrect has brought back the blooper reel!
Were the big costs also hard?
Thank you for this public service announcement, Jenny.
We all need more big cocks in our lives!!
_____
WOW – I am crying…
Oh wow that is hilarious! “Big cocks” – lol!
That is some funny shit!! Auto correct is the bane of my existence too, but I’ve never ended up with something quite this funny. 🙂
My android phone auto corrects Sonoma (a lovely town in CA’s wine country) to sodomy. What kind of freaks are working at Google?!
I have decided auto correct either has penis envy or some sort of Napoleon complex. Thing never talks about little cocks, probably because poor auto correct is hyper sensitive about what the good lord didn’t give him.
Buck up auto correct, size really doesn’t matter. Or maybe it does…
LOL, classic.
wow. this is serious blog fodder. so many comments. “i spend all my time looking for big cocks?” “big cocks do certainly need to be accounted for.” “accounting for big cocks is time consuming.” and on and on and on.
Another reason Austin may be a better place to move to, instead of staying in The Woodlands 🙂
You know what they say, “Never account for your cocks till they are fully extended.” WORD!
My sister was texting me the words “red wine vinegar” for a recipe once and her phone auto-(in)corrected wine vinegar to chin badger, so random. I now have my sister’s cell number listed as Chin Badger now.
There actually aren’t enough big cocks to go around. We live in an abundance of substandard, ordinary, and downright teeny cocks, that a truly big one is a sight to behold. I hope they are keeping track of all of them, you know, just in case we need one.
I hate it when I lose one of the big cocks.
That’s good news at least. I hate it when I can’t account for my big cocks.
Hugs!
Valerie
Is this why you don’t talk about Victor’s “work”?
Never thought of keeping track of all t=my big cocks in a spreadsheet. Much easier to carry around than a little black book.
I’m so glad *someone* is working on that spreadsheet.
A girl has better things to do with her time …
The funniest autocorrect I have heard was from my boss, named Dusty, who told us about how he text messaged someone he just met in a business meeting and wanted to tie his name to the phone number. So the message she got… “Hello, I am Dirty.”
I think she will remember him.
Hilarious. I feel so much safer knowing that the big cocks have all been accounted for. Was that spellcheck? Cuz one has to wonder why Apple is defaulting to “cocks”.
My worst/funniest autocorrect happened when I was texting my dad….I typed ‘Okie dokie’ and my phone changed it to ‘Okie dildo’.
Yeah, finding them is definitely the time-consuming part! LOL
Strange spread sheet :p
Totally understandable. I’m always getting costs and cocks confused.
I see you married appropriately.
I’d just like to know, is there a formula in Excel for adding up big cocks? Can we get that data in a bar graph, and can the bars be shaped like penises so I’m clear on what’s going on?
One of my favorite emails ever at work was when an underwriter told me we should wait “until we have all of our dicks are in a row”.
Classic! And by the way, you owe me a new computer since I just spit coffee all over it! When will I learn not to read your blog with liquid in my mouth?!
@Cat D
So, was it a Boomer, or a Sooner?
bahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!! ((Deep Breath)) Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!
((deep breaths)) heeheeehee….Come on. Pull it together, its not that funny. Heehee…ahem.
((snorts)) Big Cocks…hahahahaha!
Jenny,
I just wanted to tell you, I tagged you in a blog challenge. I know you’re super busy and famous, but I am a big fan. I’ve already read and recommended “Let’s Pretend this Never Happened,” although I couldn’t read it while waiting for my toddler to fall asleep, because I would either snort or laugh out loud or snarf, and inevitably wake him up.
Anyway, thanks for writing a great, great book!
Laura
At least both sides of the convo have a good sense of humor. That always helps.
Does your husband work for the Zumba Studio Prostitute Ring????
😉
Damn You Autocorrect is the best! I always go look at it when I am having a bad day. My friends and I once had a drunken Facebook group chat (well, all but the pregnant one were drunk), and just quoted lines from DYAC to each other. The pregnant one peed her pants! My most memorable autocorrect moment was when it turned the beginnings of my “having” into “haberdashery” I left it, because WTF? Do people really talk about haberdashery that much that it needs to be the suggested word?
Okay this has nothing to do with text messages, but it did make me think of you because it could belong to a giant squid…… http://www.grindtv.com/outdoor/blog/36349/giant+mystery+eyeball+discovered+on+south+florida+beach/
I love me some awkward/awesome text message conversations. I recently had one with someone I don’t even know. http://beingsmokey.blogspot.com/2012/08/awkward-text-message.html
LOLOLOL Classic! Would have been even funnier if it were an employee to boss text chat.
That is awesome! I have had some funny ones myself but I don’t know how to do screenshots. =( I did a post on some funny texts, however. Be prepared to laugh your asses off! http://thenlistblog.com/category/texting/
Text to my boss: “I’m late, I’m slutty.” Supposed to say I’M SORRY!!!
This reminds me of the text I received from my friend Jess the other day.
JESS: I like big nuts and I cannot lie!
ME: ???
JESS: The raisins can’t deny!
ME: What?
JESS: When M&M’s walk in with their chocolatey taste and candy in my face I get SPRUNG!
ME: I don’t get it.
JESS: I’m Sir Trail Mixx A Lot.
I need new friends.
Totally off topic, but DALEK SHIRT!
http://shop.fark.com/product/Exterminate-Me
I finally had to turn off the auto correct on my phone because it really was costing me more time since I kept having to retype everything it guessed incorrectly…LOL.
damn you autocorrect!!
If the cocks are that big, it shouldn’t be too time consuming to find it. Just look for the guy with the big…. swagger.
I feel sort of sad that I have a dumbphone with no autocorrect. I feel like I’m missing out on the hijinks.
Because even porn studios need an accountant.
Maybe the big cocks went to Austin too. The incomplete message above tells me that Austin is the place to be…
You need to add this to http://www.damnyouautocorrect.com. Funny stuff!
I think I need to see a screenshot of that spreadsheet.
The best part of that? It all fit the context perfectly! I pretty much just died, choking n my oatmeal…haha
I’m just wondering the title of the spreadsheet and what else they are accounting for. Could be some really helpful information on there!
This reminds me of the time that my boss gave me a note about a client audit in his ridiculous handwriting that I swear said “give enemas” when he actually meant to write “open invoices.”
Ok. Who the hell did post this convo of me? It could have been me..
The chance for hilarious autocorrections might be the one thing that gets me to text. Ever.
so, this really wasn’t photoshopped?
don’t be fooled by the cocks that she’s got,
she’s still, she’s still jenny from the blog!
i know, i know, you all hate me for making you sing that. admit it though: you *are* singing along….
Thank you for making my day and making me laugh. I needed that and am crying tears of auto-correct joy. You are amazing.
Also, all the big cocks should be accounted for. There should be a registry out there for the poor single and recently divorced women of the world. New dating service idea. Take that, Millionaire Matchmaker.
Someone needs to put Beyonce somewhere Victor can find easily.
Speaking of auto correct . . .
If you haven’t already done so, you MUST watch Part 3 of your brave, wonderful You Tube videos on depression with the closed captioning on. The beta version of the audio transcription is truly hilarious. For example “I have impossible disorder and smiled as he d and hats and some cramping sunburst montana.”
Thank you for being you.
Is autocorrect not the best thing EVER?
Oh its bad auto-correct but funny, cocks hahahahahaha, iphone voice to text share like as provides such ridiculous messages