I got on youtube and they gave me a bunch of suggestions of shit I should look at and most of it made sense because three of them were things that I’d uploaded myself, but then the fourth thing suggested for me was “BEAR’S ENEMA” and I thought “Oh, that makes perfect sense because it’s right in between me singing songs to African orphans and a video of my daughter dancing and then there’s A BEAR ENEMA VIDEO.” And what’s even more unsettling is that the bear enema video has like 500,000 times more views than any of my videos. This is a metaphor for my whole life.
In unrelated news, it’s time for the weekly wrap up.
What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):
What you missed on the internets:
- Indie Reader interview
- I made it to the finals! And now voting starts all over again. Which is weird.
- Kick-ass stuff I pinned.
This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:
This week’s round-up sponsored by Doxie, offering award-winning mobile scanners that make it easy to scan, organize, and share – everywhere you go. Unless you go to Mars. Then I’m not sure. Either way, you should probably check them out.
103 thoughts on “Thanks, Youtube”
Read comments below or add one.
Bear enema, Bear’s enema. All the same really. Unless Bear is giving the bear an enema? That sounds dangerous. He should definitely put that on youtube. Maybe this is the new thing you could send to PR firms?
I think the real message here is you need more bear enemas in your videos. Way to be passive aggressive about that YouTube.
If you have a chance please watch the attached YouTube video and consider posting it on your website. It was made by students of my son’s school (Symmes-D’Arcy) in Gatineau, Quebec. They officially launched the Pink Tuque campaign (also called Not In My School) to combat bullying. This was an initiative of the students themselves and we as parents are so proud!!!
It’s worth watching!
Only you could get me to laugh while I am in pain. Thanks.
enema sounded more fun and exciting before I went to watch that video… damn my curiosity!
YouTube keeps suggesting I watch pig-castrating videos. One of these days I’m going to give in.
Bear is the person. Not a bear. But either way, I am not sure his enema is any more interesting.
The Kidless Kronicles
Very startling. Bears are nothing to mess around with. I mean having it so close to your young is crazy. The youtubes are just being very irresponsible with your child here.
“Man vs. Wild”
hmmm… if you’re looking for more views, maybe you should be
recording those conversations and engagements, between you and Victor…
“Man vs. Wild” takes on a whole new meaning when you are
watching a guy discover a giant rooster on his doorstep!
Bear’s enema video has more hits than yours ONLY because he already had a wildly successful cable TV show. Once you get one, I’m sure you’ll have just as many “likes.”
But only if you do an enema video.
oh. lord… “for NBC News, Boca Rattan (sic), Florida… ”
Boca RaTON, people. You know. RAT’S MOUTH. And if you go there, and if I ever work up the energy to go back there, just north of where I grew up way too many years ago, I can SHOW you the little strip of coastline that forms the rat’s mouth– two long strips of land with jaggedy rocks on the inside.
It’s like these people aren’t even trying. I mean, even I can burn some toast and scrape letters in it with a butter knife. That isn’t a call from Satan. It’s a cry for help.
Voted! For you, if that wasn’t obvious. Also, thanks for the book recommendation last week or the week before – Awkward Moments with Men. It was a great read! I hope the fact that you used them as a sponsor brings them lots of business.
That IS the best cosplay of all time. I think I now have my Halloween costume for next year. Thanks!!
I am terribly afraid to click on the bear’s enema video. What’s next? Lion’s circumcision? You’ve got to draw the line somewhere.
Wow. Bear enema, huh? I think that would worry me if it threw that in the middle of a bunch of stuff I posted. Then again, I’ve read your book and it kinda makes sense in a twisted sense of humor way. Sorry. 🙂
No way I’m going to watch a bear enema video, no matter whose name is “Bear”. But, I thank youtube regularly for making it possible for me to watch the video you made of Hunter giving you hugs/ practicing his murder moves.
Thank you for the lovely reading suggestions – AND – I love your videos WAY more than ‘bear enema’…..just saying…
Wow that almost made yesterday less sucky, at least internet algorithm didn’t flag me as someone who appreciates watching a good enema.
Youtube doesn’t make any sense. It always tries to suggest video game stuff when I’ve never watched anything about video games since I don’t even play them, but that’s not as weird as a bear enema. WTF is a bear enema anyways?
The satanic toast was hilarious! I bet there’s someone with an amazing sense of humor in her life.
Oh man. The cosplay. The freakin’ genius cosplay. I was watching the video and thinking to myself, “there’s actually a human being inside that inflatable. There’s a freakin’ human doing that. That’s awesome!”
What ends up popular on YouTube is oftentimes surprising. I have a number of truly inspired videos on my channel and what do you suppose has been the most viewed? The fucking EGG PEELER!!! Thousands of hits. It is pretty funny…but not as awesome as my triple spatula, my running nun, or my semi-pornish Nuun music video. The evacuation of bowels evokes widespread curiosity…I think because for some of us it is a very difficult (and daunting) process.
Surely you are more entertaining than Bear’s enema.
Come over to the dark side, we have cookies.
And now it seems, toast.
How did I not know you had a YouTube channel…?
Andddddddd there goes the rest of my afternoon.
The things you can find on youtube. My husband discovered a do-it yourself liposuction…just in case I was interested. I about shoved the computer down his throat.
Jenna Marbles. Just….Jenna Marbles. She’s amazeballs.
Does a bear get an enema in the woods?
I remember posting on Facebook many years ago, that people should be looking at YouTube. Like I discovered it or something. It is good for things you want to know and especially things you don’t want to know.
It looks like we are both thankful today my friend.
Umm. Perhaps YouTube some purification ritual would be helpful before viewing the Dinosaur Dance? I got nothin’.
I suppose there’s no real need to worry about the Bear enema unless of course the next time you drive into Yellowstone Park, the Ranger issues you with an enema pack and instructions what to do with it should you happen across one during your visit!
The key to that video is that it is gross, humiliating and has been on Soup and other shows. You don’t want to be in that kind of company anyways!
Hot tip: include some lemurs and your rating will sky rocket. I uploaded a short video (less than a minute) on my daughter meeting some lemurs on the loose and it got like 2,400 views without even trying. (Disclaimer: other species of animals might or might not work.)
Bear enema? I’m not curious enough yet to watch it, but I question Bear Grylls’s motives. I’d choose your dinosaur dance video below it any time.
As a bestselling author, I’m pretty sure that if you give a bear an enema on YouTube, it would be far more popular that that guy’s video.
youtube is like a spouse.
I love that you know me so well.
it’s like you don’t know me at all.
how did you know?
don’t you pay attention to anything I say?
I’d take “Bear Enema” over “Huge cyst pop!”. I should never let my boyfriend use my youtube account.
I’m never quite sure what to make of it when Youtube suggests animal mauling videos to my bleeding-heart-vegetarian-self.
I was watching a mini-pig and a great dane playing… but sure, fire up the ole guy getting his face ripped off by a bear.
IT’S PRACTICALLY THE SAME VIDEO!
I’m gathering from the comments that it was Bear the man who got the enema, but I can’t watch because my brain is still holding onto the image of him guzzling his own urine. And that’s what happens when I’m not in charge of the remote. Bad stuff in my brain.
That’s Bear Grylls, but that doesn’t make it sound any better. I really hope enema is a typo.
I suggest that anyone who is sad click on the website http://cat-bounce.com/ .
OMG, I can’t believe you know all of the words to the Don Gato song! I LOVED that song when I was a kid! 🙂
Oh…if only I could load my 8 week old nephew’s “This is my awesome pouty lip before I UNLEASH HELL FROM MY FACE” look on that new card…heehee.
LMAO. It still makes good toast. I died.
You know what you should film, right?? A bear GIVING someone an enema…otherwise known as a bear chasing someone! 😉 You’re welcome! 😉
This totally made me think of the Charmin commercials with the bears! Who apparently don’t need enemas because they poop so much already. Or maybe they poop too much? That’s why they use so much toilet paper? And why would a bear need an enema in the first place? Don’t they eat, like, ALL fiber? This post just turned into my free prose paper from my senior year of college. Thanks Dr. BEASLEY. My apologies for the run-on, there are just so many questions that come from the simple idea of a bear enema :/
This reminds me of some of the things that Facebook keeps telling me that I should like.
bear enema. it’s one of those: i want to click, but i also don’t want to click. and so on and so forth.
Damn that video is disgusting!
I remember watching a Kardasian episode (can NOT for the life of me remember which of their shows it technically was, just because they are so many and it’s all the same thing…) and two of the Kardashians got an enema. What?
Then they did it on Beverly Hills nannies.
Is this a “thing”? Because… it’s not a “thing” I’d like to try…ever.
For me, shit goes in the toilet. Not some tube that was inserted inside of you. Weird.
I would definitely NOT want to be the person administering an enema to a bear. That’s got to be the world’s most dangerous job.
A metaphor for your life? Awww, come on. Your life is better than a bear enema. You have to admit.
But as always, thanks for making me laugh in like the space of two sentences. You rock.
Haunted Toaster? Seriously? 😀 ahhh….having a Junita Moment! 😛
I can honestly say I’m not sure why anyone would want to watch an enema…
Now you know how real singers all over the world felt when Justin Bieber won Artist of the Year last night at the AMAs… Or how I feel every time I see a copy of Snooki’s book…
Oh, joy! Congrats–I plan to vote at goodreads! Love the toaster.
At first I questioned why anyone would watch a video of a bear enema, and then I remembered that it took millions of people to make Jersey Shore and all of the train wreck housewives as famous as they are and I’m actually surprised it doesn’t have more views.
I am not going to watch the bear enema video. I am not going to watch the bear enema video. I am not…
You also come up when I YouTube “how to knit”. Go figure?
If you watch the video that my realtor made for selling my house, you get suggestions for a couple of other houses that are listed through her and then videos about stamping out prostitution. That’s definitely what I want people to think of when they think of my house.
Because sometimes Youtube just knows what’s best for us. Let’s be honest, don’t you have a secret desire to perform a bear enema? It’s freaky the way the internet knows our deepest desires. . .
Finals are up on goodreads – p.s. you’re in em. p.p.s I voted.
All I can think now when I see Bear is “someone actually kisses him when he get home….”
YouTube told me that I’m like a video of Robert Pattison saying that he’s glad that “Twilight” is over. I guess they’re half right.
I would be so honored to be next to Bear’s enema. The man is my hero – he can do whatever he wants with his rectum.
I’d totally watch ALL THOSE VIDEOS!
I originally read that as “Bare Enema” which just seemed. . .wrong. Apparently I’m dyslexic. Or just not very bright. Or both.
I like you, and I’ll watch a video of you anyday, but I’m afraid I am going to have to take a pass on the bear enema. Nothing against the bear.
Oh YouTube, you think you know us too well. Enema is fun to say though. Enema, enema, enema…
With friends like these, who needs enemas?
I am an admitted comment whore. There’s probably a 12 step program for people like me.
The comments here are almost as funny as the post. Almost.
Here are my comments about the comments (since everything constructive has already been said about the post).
#1 – Sure… Bear’s Enema and “bears enema” are two different things. That’s for pointing that out.
#2 – “Bear’s enema” is gross. At least if it were “bears enema” it would be interesting in a scientfic way. But seeing Bear Gryllis’ enema = disgusting.
#3 – I need to spend more time on YouTube.
That is all. Carry on.
Does YouTube think you’re incredibly narcissistic and that you like poo? It usually gives me suggestions of things I’ve already watched. Was Bear coaching your daughter for her pageant? “My biggest challenge yet, helping Hailey to compete and win her pageant. Unfortunately, we had no go-go juice and couldn’t quite get the handle of rednekonizing.”
Good luck with Good Reads!
OK, hmmm, well that is just plain weird and funny all at the same time.
Have a great week.
Sadly enough…I can bet a couple of the views on the bear enema video came from my children…oh yeah…their weird!
These “intuitive” sites provide some great entertainment. My friend recently did a search for “exercise” under a “Health and Personal Care” category on Amazon. The third recommendation for her was Kegal weights.
In fairness, you did tell the whole world you stuck your hand up a cow’s vagina. Who knew YouTube’s algorithms were so sophisticated?
Maybe YouTube read the colon cleansing chapter in your book and thought you’d be interested in enemas? Or maybe their logarithm system is actually a roulette wheel. When I watched the video about the Satan-infested toaster, YouTube then offered me a UFOPorno video to watch next.
Out of curiosity, isn’t “doxie” a 19th century term for hooker? Because if so, that is an AWESOME company name, and I am thoroughly entertained.
I kinda hate to agree with the throngs; but it’s not just any day when you can see a bear get an enema you know.
The baby looks like Satan made me bust out laughing at work.
It’s not an enema for a bear, but for a guy named Bear Grylls, who is the host of Man vs. Wil
Saw your book highlighted on the Biography table at Barnes and Noble as suggestions for holiday gifts. I picked it up and said very loudly to my husband “THIS IS THE BOOK I’VE BEEN TALKING ABOUT! IT’S GREAT AND EVERYONE SHOULD BUY IT!” You’re welcome.
I hope the bear doesn’t use his claws on the patient during the enema.
Methinks that would be counterproductive.
Maybe people clicked on it hoping Bear was giving a bear an enema and they were hoping (as I was) that he would in turn get mauled by said bear. That would be a video worth watching…
Dont know where else to ask….but when are you going to write another book? I need it!!! Physically, mentally and emotionally!!! 🙂
PS: you are my hero!
Admit it, you watched it.
Yeah, that sounds about right.
I suppose the difficult part is living in a world where bear enema videos are so popular. It’s not what it says about YOU, it’s what it says about the rest of us. Although I did just post a video of myself impersonating a home shopping host which leaves me no ground to stand on. I think.
I think it is more of a metaphor on the side of people, that they need to watch a bear enema.
No, the bear is a metaphor for what’s popular versus what’s art. Yogi would outdraw my website, too, but it doesn’t mean he and Booboo are writers.
I feel like the Dino Dance should also come into play for this life metaphor of yours.
Thanks for the round up. Now I need to catch up on so many amazing posts. Dang work and family making me miss my blogging.
I was all, “How do you even administer an enema to a bear?” Then I saw that it was Mr Grylls and remembered – DON’T LOOK, JENNY!!!
I kinda know how you feel. My video was the #1 comedy pick on ALLTOP for one day, until I was unseated by “the kitten hugging a bunny”. Dangit. In the next life, I wanna come back as an animal with a successful career in social media.
All your future videos should incorporate “bear enema”
YouTube is completely random. Once you start watching it is just an endless, ridiculous, downward spiral of randomness from there.
Have you ever seen the taxidermied squirrel riding a rattle snake?
Hahaha! That’s Bear Grylls, he’s an explorer type, and he really does give himself an enema on camera, I forget why, but it is a very strange bit of TV. (Oh yes, it was originally on his TV series.) And do you know what is funnier? He’s the Chief Scout – excellent role model Bear! For some reason I haven’t shown the Cub pack this one just yet…
My kids love Bear Grylls. Even more so after they watched him flush out his own arse on tv. My kids are WEIRD.
Someone may have already said this, but Bear is a person not a real bear, he’s giving himself an enema whilst on a raft at sea.
And you think you’re weird, you got nothing on us Brits 😀 xx
Can I tell you that I’ve watched three of the four videos you posted (sorry, Hailey, I didn’t watch your Christmas video), but I have never, ever had a desire to watch a Bear Enema video?
You’re welcome. 😀
I don’t even have anything witty to say because I. CAN’T.STOP.LAUGHING. The satanic toaster is one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen. When she’s showing the toast and is all “it seems to be aware.” I have no idea how that interviewer kept a straight face. I’ve been home with a sick kid and am completely sleep deprived. That video just completely made my week.
Jenny! I have been your devout and almost-wetting-my-pants-you’re-so-funny follower for a long time, but haven’t commented before because it seems so complicated and I always get overwhelmed and just say ‘fuck it, i’ll send her love vibes telepathically instead’, BUT you sang Don Gato! I have made a fool of myself for years asking everyone if they know this song, and NO ONE DOES BUT ME AND YOU, and I had forgotten most of the words (though some of yours are a little different, I forgive you), so I had to say I love you extra now!