Three-way

Conversation I had with Victor on the way home:

me:  Yeah.  Because there’s nothing more helpful than God in a three-way.

Victor:  WHAT?

me:  That church sign we just drove past.  It encouraged people to pull God in on a three-way when they’re in trouble.

Victor:  I’m almost positive it didn’t say that.

me:   Well, it implied it.  It said: “WHEN TROUBLE CALLS, CALL ON GOD.”  And you can’t call God while you’re still on the phone with trouble…unless you call him on a three-way.  Or unless you’re at work and you schedule a conference call.  Or if use Skype or something.

Victor:  I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to take those signs quite that literally.

me: Of course not.  Because God isn’t in the phone book.  The three-way is implied.  Or…hypothetical.  They should have just written “Have an imaginary three-way with God.”

Victor:  No one should ever write that.

me: Oh, because people get upset if you say “imaginary” and “God” in the same sentence?  So instead you’d have to say “Have faith in three-ways with God.”

Victor:  No.  Because you’re not supposed to say “three-ways” and “God” in the same sentence.  We’re going to hell just for having this conversation.

me:  If God wasn’t unlisted I’d call Him and explain that I’m referring to conference calls.

Victor:  I’m sure He’s eavesdropping.  You’re probably fine.

me:  “Have faith that God is okay with you talking about three-ways.”  That’s what my church sign would say.

Victor:  I’d probably go to that church.

me:  Who wouldn’t?

188 thoughts on “Three-way

Read comments below or add one.

  1. “We’re going to hell just for having this conversation.”

    See you guys there!!

  2. God was eavesdropping, he says you are fine but only because he has not laughed that hard in a long time.

    PS he said St. Peter still hasn’t stopped snorting.

  3. I’m sorry to inform you, Jenny, but God’s number is listed – it’s just hidden from you. He says you’re too damn hilarious – I mean blasphemous – to have his direct line. It’s time you knew the truth.

  4. Using three-way calling for that is only common sense, right?

    Besides – wouldn’t God be too busy to take a phone call just because trouble called you again? How often does trouble call you? It calls me a few times a day. I’m pretty sure that IF God answered the phone, he’d probably just suggest that I get a new number or a restraining order against trouble. Maybe just don’t answer. Them he would tell me that he doesn’t have time for my shit and if I don’t stop wasting his time, he’ll just take the rest of mine.
    Way to be an asshole, God…

  5. I really don’t think God is that judgemental at attempts at humor. If he is…I’ll be keeping you company in hell. Promise.

  6. Oh wait – this just in. . . hold on I’m getting a fuzzy communication from God here. . . lemme just adjust the antenna . . . got it. God says that he’s not real, and that if you want help with trouble you should look within to the god inside of you, and then look around to the god inside everyone. Which is both comforting and oxymoronic at the same time. Good luck with that.

  7. Do people even do 3 ways anymore?? I mean when I was young me and my girlfriends all wants to be together… but these days? Im thinking God should have a hashtag…. That was all probably way more entertaining for me to type than for you to read 🙂

  8. And now all I have in Joan Osborne in my head whining… “What if God was one of us….”

    If God was one of us, he’d be laughing his ass off. Three-ways with God = awesome.

  9. If people from that church knocked on my door and asked to talk about Jesus, I would TOTALLY invite them in for coffee and handcuffs. I mean cookies.

  10. And this….is why you’re popular with swingers. For real, but don’t ask me to explain because it’d just be too confusing.

  11. Somehow I am now hearing Manhattan Transfer singing Operator, Information, Give me Jesus on the line 🙂

  12. I would totally go to that church. Also, I’d look forward to seeing what other, non-three-way referencing signs it would have.

  13. HA!

    a friend just RT the link to your blog, so I am new here and I have to just laugh. this is hilarious.

    I have no other words because I am still laughing and I am now following.

    Thank you for that lol

  14. You have the best conversations. Ya know, that would explain all of the Televangelists from the 1980’s getting caught with mistresses. They claimed God talked to them every day.

  15. Now I have that song “3-Way” from SNL stuck in my head. Not that I’m complaining. Because now I’m also laughing my head off.

  16. If God exists* and is perfect**, theoretically he*** has a perfect sense of humor. Which means he’s laughing his ass off at this post.

    * Not saying he does
    ** Not saying he is
    *** Not using ‘he’ to imply God is male, just easier than typing he/she/it. Which would have been a lot easier than typing this huge postscript.

  17. Church just became so much less boring. I’ll share that with my pastor. “Your sermons would be awesome if you talked about three ways.” I might have to explain three way.

  18. Umm… isn’t Christianity all about 3-ways? The Father, The Son and the Holy Spirit? I thought the whole thing was about a big man-on-man-on-man 3-way. You’re telling me I didn’t understand Sunday School? You’re telling me my whole religious upbringing to believe that homosexuality is awesome and that 3-ways are the only way to fly has been wrong???

  19. And suddenly the Holy Trinity makes sense.

    Did I ever tell you your book made me laugh my gallbladder out? True story.

  20. I don’t even want to go to Heaven unless I can talk about three-ways there. I mean, come on, could you really go an entire eternity without mentioning a three-way?!

  21. reduced to crying and giggling with intermittent snorts of renewed laughter. I should probably invest in adult pull ups.

  22. “Three-way” must be some American English term for telecommunications, because I’ve never heard it before.
    I keep on interpreting it at “three-some”…

  23. Lol, I would like to think of god as being a good debate monitor (as that would surely be his role in any kind of “3-way”). The ultimate fact checker in an argument, in any case, even if he might be biased toward the more moral viewpoint

  24. I really, REALLY wanted to be a part of this conversation, but I couldn’t think of something funny to say and I didn’t want to just post my usual, “lol”. So, I decided to phone a friend and I sent my husband a text message that said, “QUICK! Say something funny about threeways or God.” So far, he hasn’t responded.

    You’d think he’d be used to this by now.

  25. As someone who’s about to endure WAY TOO MUCH time in the company of way too conservative people (my extended family, three of whom are Methodist ministers) I want to put this entire post on a t-shirt. Hell, it’d have to be a tunic, printed front and back.

  26. I’d sing in the choir at your church. Then I’d bake cookies for the bakesale at your church to apologize for the singing.

  27. I think when you try to call God for help you never actually get Him. It’s like when you call AT&T, you never get the CEO, you get some woman in The Philippines. So I think when you call God you get a three-way with some woman from The Philippines which may be OK depending on your mood.

  28. I would love to be in one of your conversations with Victor. Not to add anything. Just to enjoy the non-sequiturs first hand.

    And I loved Heretic Husband’s comment. (#37)

  29. An update on my last comment:

    My husband finally responded. He said, “What do a woman’s orgasm and God have in common?” (I edited out all the misspelled words and horrible sentence structure because I don’t want him to be “that guy” on the internet)

    Expecting something hillarious or perverted, I was thrilled and said, “Everything?” Then it took him 9 minutes to respond, so I was thrilled with anticipation.

    He finally said, “They’re both a mystery to men and we’ll spend our lifetime trying to figure it out.”

    AN.TI.CLIMACTIC. Accurate, but unfunny.

  30. That did NOT go the way I thought it would. And it’s not like I’m new here or anything, so I should have known better! 🙂

  31. You really need to write a new edition of the Bible, dear lady! Seriously. I ‘d love to see what you’d do with the New Testament…
    At the very least, you should drive back to that church and offer to write their signage from now on…

  32. I so love your perspective! You make me laugh! And I’ve seen much more explicit signs than that – like you shouldn’t just be saying “Oh God” in bed. 😉

  33. When my husband and I got married, we were told in our ceremony, to have a threesome with Jesus. The words our pastor used were, “This marriage is a twosome. I invite you to make it a threesome with Jesus”. Aside from kissing my husband, that’s all I remember from the actual ceremony itself. It definitely woke up some of our guests as well.

  34. I’m pretty sure if God didn’t have a sense of humor Kevin Smith would’ve been struck down for Alanis Morrisette doing cartwheels as God in Dogma.

    Besides, Borg Blog is so right: God is probably in most bedrooms at some point anyway.

  35. Of course the Almighty is into a bit of kink. It’s in the bible… And I quote:
    “Blessed is he who cums in the name of The Lord” I think I read that right.

  36. I was on the bus in Vancouver last year, and drove past a church sign that said (no joke), “God’s favorite word is ‘Come'”. If I hadn’t been on my way to the airport for a flight, I would have gotten off the bus right there for a photo…

  37. I live in northern Alberta. It hits -40 here in the winter. The idea of spending eternity somewhere warm appeals to me.
    I’d totally go to your church.

  38. My father-in-law said to meet him in the bar in hell. I’ll bring a cocktail to the washroom for you.

  39. I almost drove off the road when I saw this message on the sign for the Church that was down the hill from my old house:

    You are never as tall as you are
    when you are on your knees

  40. Maybe the church meant that when trouble calls, you should hang up and call God instead. That’s really bad phone etiquette, though. I think God would be much cooler with people talking about three-ways than he would be with poor phone manners.

  41. So I’m thinkin’ that if everybody is going to call God whenever Trouble calls them, why doesn’t God just tap into Trouble’s phone line anyway and save us all the extra minute of dialing up that 3-way call?

  42. “We’re going to hell just for having this conversation.”

    Call me skeptical.
    But if I’m wrong, please say hi for me to my ex …

  43. I have to believe that God has a sense of humor about successful three-ways, botched menage a trois, and all that lies in between. At least I hope so.

  44. I have caller ID. That way when trouble calls, I know to just let it roll to voice mail. Unless it’s the fun trouble, then I’ll pick up.

    And just in case anyone doubts the almighty’s sense of humor, I have 2 words: platypus. Walmart.

  45. you crack me up!
    Thanksgiving in San Angelo on Saturday! Hope to see you there, come see how messed up my family is & you can see the creepy deer coming out of the wall that your dad made. Bring him & your mom, too, oh, and yes Victor is invited, Laura, too!

    (Sadly, my cat is sick so I’m spending Thanksgiving at Taco Cabana down the road. ~ Jenny)

  46. In God we trust…to guide us through a three-way.

    We might all be going to hell for reading this, but judging by the tone of commenters, I think it’s bound to be one kick-ass party.

  47. A lot of my Christian friends love to talk about how God has to be present in a marriage in order for it to work. (I don’t agree, I think atheists can have great marriages, but I digress.) Anyway, I thought that’s what this post was going to be about. Having a marital three-way with God. But this is funny, too. I miss three-way phone calls…

  48. Funniest thing I have read all day! I would totally go to the church that said ”Have faith that God is okay with you talking about three-ways.”

  49. Funniest thing I have read all day! I would totally go to the church that said ”Have faith that God is okay with you talking about three-ways.”

  50. I would like to apply to be the “organist” in your Church of Three-Ways. (Right Way, Wrong Way, Three Way) Also, can you imagine the performance anxiety that would manifest if God were in on a three-way? I love this thread!

  51. God totally gets it… but bible thumpers might not. Watch your back or they might thump you with God. Would that mean God is thumping you? Oh, crap…I’m probably going to hell, too.

  52. I doubt you’re going to Hell. I mean, look around. God’s GOT to have a sense of humor, right? So s/he’s probably just laughing at your joke about three-ways.

  53. Jenny, if you ever open a church, I want to be a congregant. Having read the bible cover to cover, and skimmed the book of Mormon, the Koran and several other religious texts, I can guarantee whatever you came up with would be no crazier than any other religion, but a hell of a lot more entertaining.

    Well, except for that Flying Spaghetti Monster thing. It’s hard to top an afterlife with beer volcanoes. You could give the FSM a run for his money thought.

  54. I think god’s pretty much cool with three-ways. I’ve been to several church weddings in the UK recently and the celebrant (vicar/priest/whatever) has made a big deal about how marriage is between one man, one woman and the one true god.

    Having been raised as a churchless atheist, I had to ask my partner if this three-way thing was standard for church weddings. Turns out it is! Who knew? Turns out this isn’t a question you should ask a nice Methodist boy while he’s drinking milk. Who knew?!

    At a recent wedding, the vicar had a giant Toblerone (the two foot long kind which weigh about a kilo) as a prop to help illustrate this point because Toblerones are triangular and thus a very good metaphor for a three-way. (They also have milk chocolate binding the nuts and nougat pieces, but he didn’t really get into that aspect of marriage.) The congregation got a little restive when we realised that the box was empty, and he wasn’t actually going to give the happy couple a kilo of Swiss chocolate but there were actual gasps, squeaks and a cry of ‘for shame’ when he didn’t even give them a fun size one. How are you supposed to remember where god goes if you don’t get to take the symbolic chocolate triangle home?

  55. “We’re going to hell just for having this conversation.”
    I think we all have those convos, don’t we? And aren’t they usually the best ones? 🙂

  56. Oh, how I’ve missed you Jenny. Can’t wait to catch up on soooo much good reading. Hope you are well. xo

  57. I think God is totally be okay with three ways. Think about it, if He wasn’t then why did he make our bodies in such a way that sex feels so damn good??? Just sayin’

  58. I so love these random conversations because they are something I could totally see happening with my friends and that makes them even better. And I’d give up my membership in Bedside Baptist to attend that megachurch–provided it started arond 11 and was done by 1 unless it was going to serve a great lunch and we could stay till 2 then.

  59. Does this mean you were having a three way with him while having this conversation with Victor?

    Because… this conversation is trouble.

  60. If we believe that God created EVERYTHING, then surely we can’t omit 3-ways from the list. He even came up with a nice French phrase for it, cuz God is sexy like that.

  61. You really have a unique way at looking at things. I’ve heard the phrase of calling on Him before but NEVER thought of that meaning. I figured you would just hang up on trouble.

  62. At my niece’s wedding the pastor said “marriage is a three-way with God.” If that guy’s ok, you should be fine.

  63. Doesn’t everyone have caller ID now-adays? How about, “If Trouble shows up on your caller ID, don’t answer it. Thank God for caller ID, y’all!” Seriously, Trouble is probably a telemarketer, anyway.

  64. @MonicaP: what do you suppose the atheists say when they’re knocking boots? I’ve always wondered…..

  65. You need to come up to Cincinnati, Ohio. We have local restaurants (Skyline Chili) which serve Chili Three-Ways, Four-Ways and yes, even Five-Ways. People in Cincinnati are used to these terms, but tourists always seem to snicker. Also, this would seem to imply we are more worldly than we are, but don’t let our food names fool you.

  66. Oh I soooooooo wish we were neighbors! I would so be with you on that thought! Hell, who am I kidding, that party scene from your book would make my year of I could witnesses such s miracle of raw human expression!

  67. Pretty sure our church (Unitarian) could have that on a sign. Except Unitarian churches don’t have signs. Well, there is the sign that says “Unitarian Church” but it is static and has no place for quips about god. And, well, we wouldn’t put god on the sign anyway. Except maybe to invite god to our three-way.

  68. Really, a lot more people would go to church if they would put stuff like that on their signs. You are great! Weird and wonderful!

  69. I’m reminded of the something*positive strip from years back, where Davan answered the front door to find missionaries. Not amused, he decided that their interrupting his morning meant he didn’t need to stop masturbating while inviting them to leave.

    As for God, I’m pretty sure he’s unshockable. I mean, considering that he’s witnessed every sexual act that ever took place, and knows every fantasy that anyone ever had, without losing his essential nature and perfection.

    So maybe the sign you really want to put up is, “PORN: It never did GOD any harm.”

  70. Don’t go to church, but I’d go to that one, definitely!

    [Quote](Sadly, my cat is sick so I’m spending Thanksgiving at Taco Cabana down the road. ~ Jenny)[/Quote]

    Hope your cat will be better soon.

  71. If god wasn’t ok with three-ways, he wouldn’t have encouraged the nice elderly church lady to stand outside and slide 26 lucite squares on the marquee. I’d say 25 but I feel strongly that there was an exclamation point at the end.

    P.S I figure out how to make my iphone dumb douche bags for me!!

  72. 1. I don’t believe in God so
    2. I’m probably going to hell, I look forward to meeting everyone there.
    3. If I did believe in God (notice I can’t help but capitalize the name of the entity I don’t believe in) I would could never believe that said entity would send a person to hell for having so damn much fun reading your brilliance so
    4. Maybe we’ll all be partying in the clouds.

  73. If you think about it, God is actually involved in three-ways ALL THE TIME, unless God decides to give us some privacy while having sex. And if that’s the case, thank you God.

  74. True story, is used to have God programmed into my phone. But I never had the courage to call him. And then I lost my phone.
    I miss having the direct number.

  75. Well I figure God made me this way- including my warped brain full of sexual funny thoughts and twisted imagination. Not only would I go to that church but I would actually put money in the plate when passed around instead of looking ahead stoically.

  76. This brings me back to my Catholic School days. Which were always interesting considering I was the only Jew there. But yes, three-ways, God, conference calls…I love it. Especially because I always refer to my talks with God as phone calls, and by that I mean that I put him on speakerphone and talk to him while I do my laundry and file my nails. I mean, he’s hip. I’m sure he has at least some sort of tele-conferencing ability, or at least something not unlike Google friend time, or is it face time? You know what I mean.

  77. For the record, I would absolutely buy a bumper sticker that said “Have an imaginary three-way with God.”

  78. Scrolling through facebook and what do I see?

    Perfect picture for this. Can’t post it on here tho 🙁

    Reads:
    FIRST CHRISTIAN CHURCH.
    A CHURCH WITH
    WEED
    SEX AND TITS.

    You corrupted them, didn’t you?

  79. Hahaha! I’m so glad I’m not the only one who does this with church signs. Like, I once saw “Oh come all ye faithful” and wondered if that was like yelling out “oh god!” during sex. It’s just too easy, and so FUN.

  80. Knowing God he probably would have told Victor that the technical term for a three way when a person is referring to anything besides a conference call is a menage a trois, obviously.

  81. Are you awares the you can become a bona fide legit reverend in less than 5 minutes without leaving the comfort of your own home? Universal Life Church. Google that shits. I did it like 10 years ago as a joke, because you can pick all kinds of funny official revendy-type titles, like Grand Wizard, but it actually ended up coming in handy later on… I’ve performed friends weddings and funerals which was soooo nerve wracking, thank you valium and champagne, but much nicer than hiring a complete stranger if they don’t attend a church. I cannot think of a better thing than being joined in holy matrimony by Reverend The Bloggess. Unless a unicorn was the ring bearer, like with the rings on its uni-horn. Best imaginary wedding ever.

  82. I’m going to have my hubby read your blog next time he looks at me cross-eyed. After being with me 23 years, he’ll realize he’s not alone being married to a crazy lady 🙂

    FYI, my God laughs a lot and he thinks I come up with funny shit too. If you post something stupid (innuendo) on your church sign, you can bet I’m calling it out. God told you to post it so it would make me laugh right? See, my God is funny unlike some other people’s God’s.

  83. Oh thank you. I thought my husband and I were the only ones who a) have conversations like this and b) are going to hell because we have conversations like this.

  84. In ninth grade I had a report on Joan of Arc. A biography I read on Joan made it very clear that she wanted to be a virgin when she died. It also made it clear that she was VERY religious. I was explaining this to a friend of mine and his response was “she wanted to have sex with God”. Which I found very funny.

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