This isn't a real post. It's just stuff that won't fit on twitter.

Remember when you were a kid and you’d go out of town and you needed to tell your mom that you got there safe, but cell phones didn’t exist and no one could afford long distance so you’d just make a collect call from “I’m here” and then your mom would decline the call?

Was that just me?

Related:  I feel old.

Unrelated: I just looked up this trend on twitter…

Nowhere on the first page does anyone say “masturbate”.  Twitter has just become self-aware, y’all.  And it’s telling on you.

178 replies. read them below or add one

  1. I admit NOTHING

    Squishy Amber recently posted An early "I Want" Update.

  2. Ha!

  3. I’d give a witty response, but it’s hard to type with one hand. (What? It was a farm equipment accident, okay?)

    Observacious recently posted Why Yo Gabba Gabba Live is better than The Book of Mormon.

  4. Can’t Government and Twitter stay out of our bedrooms!

    Corey Feldman recently posted The Sexton and the Reaper.

  5. Holy mother of all things that taste like bubble gum! I’d call my parents from a “friend’s” house to tell them I was okay. Good thing there was no caller ID or *69 because I was actually hanging out somewhere they would not approve. Like Costco. Or the mall.

    Rhana @ Dumb {Squared} recently posted The Haunting.

  6. That’s it, I’m no longer Tweeting from my phone while in bed….

    Katje recently posted I am the Emperor of Fabulous (or, Surviving Survival Mode).

  7. Twitter masturbates???? That’s not surprising. Now I know what Twitter does with all those questionably sexeh photos that get removed. Twitter keeps them. Twitter is fapping to you. The royal you. Not you you. I don’t think you’ve ever post a pic of your bits.

    Dangerous Lilly recently posted Lelo Luna Beads – Noir.

  8. We used to do that phone thing but instead of a collect call for “I’m Here” we did a collect call to ourselves (example, “I’d like to make a collect call to Rachel at blahdy-bloo number”) and the parent on the other end would say “Oh, I’m sorry, Rachel’s not here!” and decline the call.

    Hmmm, so according to Twitter I need to go masturbate now? Well, if you say so…

  9. It’s actually a subliminal message. Must… obey… (wanders off…)

    Ellie Di recently posted Be. Here. Now..

  10. Yup, totally recall the collect call. Let’s be old together.

    Side note: Twitter is the douchey sibling of tattling

    Carmen recently posted Good place..

  11. My parents sent me alone on a cross country flight with two plane changes – I was 11. I don’t even think they gave me a quarter.

    Sharon recently posted Comment on Fitting It All In And Partnership by Casey @ Waffling.

  12. I’m not really sure I approve of Twitters judgement of me. You don’t know me twitter. You don’t even.

    Holly Folly recently posted Optimistic Success and an Electric Pole..

  13. We used to do the collect call thing(scam) all the time.
    Even when it wasn’t long distance, just leaving the name to let know you needed to be picked up.

    Echo recently posted Character Creator’s Log – Nevermind the Novel -.

  14. Ahhh declining collect calls. The good old days

    HeatherB recently posted This is TMI-You have been warned!.

  15. Twitter is a whore.
    Unrelated – TOTALLY used to do the collect call thing.

  16. You know why this made me feel old? Because my first reaction was, “Pick up a goddamn book, whippersnappers.”

  17. Reminds me of the commercial where the parents get a call and it says, “You have a collect call from Wehadthebaby Itsaboy, will you accept the charges?” And the father says no and hangs up, turns to the mother and says, “They had the baby. It’s a boy.” Then goes back to reading the paper. Seemed funnier/less depressing of a commercial at the time, come to think of it.

  18. 18
    Elizabeth M.

    I used to do the collect call thing in college so my parents would know to call me back.

    I don’t check twitter often, and MYOB on the other thing. ;-p

  19. PS – What’s “bored”??

  20. OH! We did that with my family but dad did it when he was out of town and it was more like “MONA DO NOT SAY YES! TELL YOUR MOTHER I CALLED! SAY NO, SAY NO!!!!”

  21. Did you tweet that what you do when you’re bored is write a blog about people tweeting about what they do when they’re bored because it wouldn’t fit on twitter?

    META – fabulous!

    Amy Clarke recently posted Chores Done Fun.

  22. We preferred the “let it ring three times, then hang up, then call back and let it ring two times” method for that kind of message.

    (I still do that to let my mom know I’m calling her and not the taxidermy shop she shares a phone line with. ~ Jenny)

    Laura @ Unlikely Explanations recently posted BREAKING NEWS: I’ve Chosen a Name For My Cat.

  23. Last time I told someone I was bored, was in third grade. Mom’s response was to sign me up for summer school. Haven’t been bored since 1966.

  24. Twitter… one more reason for guys to masterbate.

    Queen Of All Things Good recently posted Now There's WHAT In My Yard?!.

  25. person-to-person collect for my (dead) grandma.

  26. When I was a kid? I’m 49 and I still have to call my mom to tell her that I got there safely. Two years ago my daughter and I were on the island of Molokai and cell phone reception was non-existent…my mother did not hear from me for 3 days and called the Molokai police to find out if they could check up on us. True story.

  27. Twitter is just demanding. It’s always telling me to “compose a new tweet” (what if I don’t want to, Twitter? What if I want to compose the same old tweet over and over again? Or, what if I want my butler to compose it FOR me?). And now, it’s telling me to masturbate? Next, it will be telling me to go make it a sandwich.

    Ashley recently posted Risky Business.

  28. 95% of people masturbate… The other 5% are really bad liars.

    Devon S recently posted It's the little things.

  29. @Laura Oooh! We did that one too!

  30. There is always a reason to masturbate. It just so happens that Twitter is one of them. Call me an opportunist.

    Cathy recently posted I’m sorry: An open letter to my loved ones.

  31. I used to do the same type of call when I was at the movies and needed a ride home. Also, when I walked down a ditch under the city all the way down town and couldn’t find my way home.
    PS you need to come back on our show!

    carissajaded recently posted Sick ramblings and testing my comfort zone (K1 Speed).

  32. I used to do that payphone thing to get rides home. Or id leave the payphone number and the person would call me back AT the payphone. never could figure out why that was free?

  33. @Vanessa – YES this was my thought too. Now I feel like a school marm.

    Renee recently posted Book Review: Boundless by Cynthia Hand.

  34. People still masturbate? I thought that’s what video games replaced. You know, “joy sticks” and all that.

    MILF Runner recently posted Developing a strategy to achieve YOUR goals....

  35. HOW DOES IT KNOW?! It’s a slippery slope, y’all.
    Now: Twitter divines and reveals our disgusting sexual proclivities.
    Next: Skynet.

    Adrasteia recently posted Shit-kickers? No. ASS-kickers..

  36. I remember well. How about sprinting through the house like a crack-addicted cheetah playing ‘Beat the Clock’ and yelling LOOOONG DISTANCE!!! when you got a call?

  37. When my mom was a kid, they had a clever way of letting their parents know they needed to be picked up. She’d call home from a pay phone (for 5c) and just let it ring once, then hang up. Everyone at the house knew to wait until the second ring to pick up. If it only rang once, it was time to go pick up Dianne. (This is before robo-calls, or telemarketing, or any of the other bedevilments which strike us today.)

    I never went anywhere I’d have to make a collect call from. One time I biked to a friend’s house and was supposed to call my dad when I got there, to announce I’d arrived safely. I thought this was dumb and promptly forgot it — got there, she hopped on her bike too, we went to the lake nearby to hang out with friends. Dad drove by 15 minutes later hollering my name out the window. He was so glad I had not been dismembered by a serial killer that he forgot to ground me. He bought me a cell phone instead. Mwahahaha.

  38. You know what bugs me? The one that says “complain about how bored I am”. That totally freaks me out. If you get bored then you die. Scientific fact! Never get bored! People who are bored die way sooner than those who aren’t. Scary, scary stuff.

    Allison Merritt recently posted Book Feature - Sweet Prairie Passion.

  39. We did the collect call thing when I was a kid. We also used it at the payphone at school to tell our folks where to pick us up if we were going to a friend’s house. Also? You used to be able to ride the bus to a friend’s house without your parents signing 15 different slips of paper and promising your third-born child!

    Had my first cell phone in college… with a 60 minutes/month plan. I was so awesome! I had to buy a bigger purse for my phone– I remember that distinctly. Also, my aunt had a car phone with an answering machine– that was awesome, too. It took up the whole space for the middle console, but it was totally cool to call people while my aunt drove down the road!

    If only we would have known…

    (I remember my uncle getting a car phone. It was in an enormous purse that he’d carry around with him when he wasn’t in the car so it wouldn’t get stolen. It was the size of a shoebox and we were all very impressed. ~ Jenny)

    Sarah recently posted On Strike.

  40. We used collect calls to say we needed a ride home from school.
    My parents declined many calls from “Melissaneedsaride.”

    Melissa recently posted Fanclub is a Four Letter Word.

  41. Oh whoa, my kids will never know what a collect phone call even is! haha!

    Lindsay F recently posted Project 365 [20/365].

  42. I prank called people from a pay phone one time because if you didn’t pay anything then the person on the other end couldn’t hear you giggling.

    And then I felt like a horrible, horrible person who just ruined someone’s day.

    It didn’t help that the person threatened to call the police.

    Jaime recently posted Motherhood and More: For those suffering a loss*.

  43. Wait, so YOU’RE controlling Twitter, now??

    Natalie the Singingfool recently posted Shake What Your Mama Gave You.

  44. (I should note that this was circa 1999 and I got one of those Nokia cell phones that could make phone calls, store ten numbers, and play Snake. Cream of the crop stuff, man.)

  45. I remember. If you’re old, then I’m in good company.

    Burns the Fire recently posted Life or Death.

  46. So nobody would cop to masturbating while bored? Why not?

    My Half Assed Life recently posted How Many Sweaters Will Fit Under My Coat?.

  47. Remember when you were a kid and you’d complain to your parents that you were bored and then they’d find all kinds of horrible chores for you to do and you suddenly weren’t bored anymore? Now as an adult I wish I had the luxury of being bored so I could actually get the chores on my “to-do” list done and stop feeling guilty about putting jobs and family obligations before laundry, house work, and grocery shopping.

    The Suzzzz recently posted Pupuseria El Salvador CLOSING!.

  48. I was around way before cells, but I don’t remember doing the collect call from “I’m here”. Maybe we weren’t that smart in the country. Twitter just knows…

    Karen Sanders recently posted The Audacity of a Title *explicit language*.

  49. Twitter loves it when you set your phone to vibrate!

  50. twitter=self focused pleasuring=masturbating, ergo twitter=masturbating

    Brook recently posted Just Keep Paddling!.

  51. (not all of twitter, but much of it)

    Brook recently posted Just Keep Paddling!.

  52. If I was a self-aware twitter program, I think masturbation would be the first thing that I learned to do. Just saying.

    Emerald recently posted Smoke Through the Dry Leaves.

  53. Oh Twitter… stop being so judgey! You don’t know me!!

    Rachel recently posted A Perfectly Single Mom Finds Herself in Unfamiliar Territory.

  54. Well, yeah, masturbate… but what am I supposed to do with the remaining 3 hours of the day? (My masturbation ritual is quite elaborate.)

    RachRiot recently posted You're Welcome, Manuel.

  55. Actually it’s telling on YOU. *raised eyebrow*

    Heretic Husnand recently posted Wackjob Wednesday 1/16/2013.

  56. I used to do that collect call thing! When I was done with some after school activity, I would make a collect call from the pay phone by the gym, say, ‘I’m done,’ my mother would decline the call and come get me.

    Punky Coletta recently posted You Have to do What Works Best for You..

  57. I remember the collect call declines also lol

  58. I think “masturbate” is supposed to be under the hashtag, #ThingsIDoWhenIGetWhored

    Moooooog35 recently posted Because nothing says 'construction' like 'sourdough'.

  59. I NEVER…get bored.

    Kathleen recently posted Winter Journals.

  60. I used to do the exact same thing. “Do you accept charges from MOMWEAREHEREANDEVERYTHINGISFINE?” “No.” Sweet! Our kids will never know the feeling of feeling smarter than a phone company.

  61. So the Twitter bird is the new Ceiling Cat?

    Why did my family never think of the reverse-charge call thing? Dammit, we weren’t just poor, but poor and thick.

    Alverdine recently posted Pagan Blog Project: Books.

  62. Melissa, we did the same thing! When I was a kid, my parents would drop me off at HersheyPark for the day and I would collect call when I was ready to go! “heymomcomepickmeup” called them every Saturday evening, and every Saturday evening, they declined. And FYI Jenny, I’m only 30 🙂

  63. Yeah, I did the collect call thing. Also, I’m 35 and still have to call my mother when I get home after visiting her.

    Dolores recently posted Golden Lush Awards.

  64. My family never thought of the ‘I’m here’ trick, either. However, I do remember making collect calls from pay phones. Or using calling cards with codes you punched in so the charges showed up on your phone bill. Life was hard in the olden days, yo.

    Amber recently posted The iPad Mini and the Enviro-Mama.

  65. I did it, too. I would LOVE to talk to the operators from back then, and hear their stories about all of those fake collect calls. I wonder if they:
    a.) were oblivious
    b.) were offended that we thought they were that stupid
    c.) were amused by our witty attempts to beat the system.

    I’m betting NOT C…

    whatimeant2say recently posted I Am Still Waiting for My Standing Ovation.

  66. We so did the phone thing. And no, def not just you – Geico even had a commercial with it – Bob Wehadababyitsaboy.

  67. I was so the ‘0’ operator back in the late 70’s who always thought, “That’s an odd name.” I eventually caught on. LOL!

  68. Read blogs….paint nails….write blog posts….steal blog posts….post stolen blog posts.

    The Kidless Kronicles

    Nicole@TheKidlessKronicles recently posted WW: An Old Friend.

  69. Haha, we’d do the collect call thing when we needed a ride home from wherever we’d ended up, so where it asked you to state your name, we’d insert as much information as possible, as in: “himomi’matunoscomepickmeupplease”

    Classic. It’s so sad that kids these days will never know that joy.

  70. We didn’t have a phone when I was a kid. Instead my parents could read what a good time I had on the post card that arrived the day after I came back home

    Cara(Eli) recently posted Georg, the lap dog.

  71. So… anyone else tempted to randomly collect call someone and have them decline a call from “masturbate”? Because I’m bored and that seems like fun.

    Jude recently posted Oh, goals..

  72. Somehow the fact that masturbation and collect calls to parents are being discussed interchangeably on the same comment feed… is more entertaining than the (already very entertaining) comments themselves.

  73. 73
    Bob Wehadababyitsaboy

    I admit nothing. But I did change my posting name just for you. Kudos if you remember the commercial. And by kudos I mean “Please everyone remember it so I don’t feel old”.


  74. and did a little part of you die when she refused to accept the charges, a part of me did!

  75. 75
    Rebecca Garcia

    Things I do when Im bored … Take a long nap and hope for a hot sex dream. This way I have something to think about while I cook dinner for my husband.

  76. Yes, we did the collect call thing too. I haven’t thought about that in ages. Speaking of which, I haven’t seen a public payphone in ages. Do they still exist?


    Y recently posted Driver’s license.

  77. My Dad died last week. When I got back to where I live in Ohio, it was the first time I could call to say I was back, since I left for college in 1969. My Mom died 11years ago. I always called my parents on Sunday, because phone calls were cheaper on Sunday back in the “olden” days. I continued that from 1969 to last week.

    Yeah I am feeling sorry for myself… and no I am never bored.

    (Sending you such love. ~ Jenny)

  78. We would totally make a collect call to ourselves, which mom would decline.

    Kalisa recently posted The Time Machine on Main Street.

  79. Twitter and Facebook are starting to creep me out. Especially when Facebook asks me how I am feeling.

    Robyn Webb recently posted This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things (How My Sisters and I Destroyed a Five-Star Hotel).

  80. The only time I’ve made collect calls in my life was when I was stuck at a boy scout camp for a week when I was 12.

    I really don’t need Twitter telling me to go masturbate, I can figure that out on my own. And it’s probably the beginning of a slippery slope too, because it’ll get judgemental about when and how much I do it before moving on to outright mocking me because I don’t have a girlfriend.

  81. As a former telephone operator, the ploy was ALWAYS so transparent, but then you would get the parent who didn’t know what the fuck was up and then I would have to explain to them the whole “process.” That Child X was the one actually calling and that they had gotten safely to their destination, but didn’t want to be billed. Then the parent would twig… “ohhhh” *awkward silence*

    Yes, the good old days…

    (this was before automation btw)


  82. For some reason I thought my dad was the only one who insisted on us calling but wouldn’t take the call. You know the: Melissaamhereamfineloveyouby. Almost glad to hear it was just me. Ha.

    It reminds me of that phone commercial: hadababyitsaboy!

    Issa recently posted Libraries, who knew?.

  83. I’m 23 and I did the collect call thing so my mom would know I arrived safe and the collect call for a ride home alll the time!!! Didn’t always work though since we didn’t have call waiting and my mom talked on the phone a lot, lol. We all finally caved and got cellphones 4years ago. Texting my mom to say I arrived safely is definitely faster!! And when you travel to big cities like NYC being able to text her that “Yes mother I am still alive. No mother, I have not been mugged, stabbed, shot, or molested in any way.” is definitely helpful and easier than the daily collect call of “Imaliveandunharmed” she used to make me do when I traveled with family or friends.

  84. I would favorite Jane #26’s comment if I could. Pure awesome. Embarrassing I’m sure, but still…awesome.

    Issa recently posted Libraries, who knew?.

  85. Bwahh haaa haaa!!!! that is hilarious. You are right!
    I’m guessing all these folks aren’t parents. Parents don’t get the opportunity to get board! Unless your lucky enough to have family that will take them off your hands. I think most of us go into sleep mode when that happens.

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  86. Masturbation is the thinking man’s television.

    Tom recently posted Pigeons on a Wall, San Miguel de Allende, Mexico.

  87. Oh wow. Refusing collect phone calls. I almost forgot about collect phone calls.


    In unrelated news, your Twitter is more saucy than my Twitter is. I wonder why.

    Em recently posted The Upside of Down.

  88. I never did the collect call thing because anywhere I would be would have a phone they would let me use. School: office phone, Dance class: Front desk phone, Grandma’s: phone AND one of those totally bitchin’ briefcase cell phones…aw yeah, cause that’s the way I roll.

    Melissa B recently posted Civil Rights Day.

  89. It’s kind of pathetic how people have come to the point of not knowing what to do when they’re bored anymore. Checking your phone even when you have no messages? Okay, I do that too – but only sometimes. Most of the time I can think of so many things to do that I don’t even get bored. Even without a job, 24 hours in one day isn’t enough. Cooking, baking, snail mailing, blogging, reading, watching movies, photographing, playing World of Warcraft, graphically editing photographs, scrapbooking, writing and thinking up stories, and the list goes on and on! There is just so much to do! People should really address their creativity. I think with cell phones and the internet and consumerism, creativity has taken a backseat.

    Okay – end frustrated rant right here.

    Sabrina recently posted Peanut Butter Cookies with Chocolate and Peanuts, and Peanut Butter Cookie Bark.

  90. @Jane #26 LOLOL!

    I love your mother.

    Em recently posted The Upside of Down.

  91. But why has nobody said it on the first page? Isn’t that what the Internet is for?

    Stephen Battey recently posted Don’t insult me..

  92. 92
    LOL things my mom says

    @Jane McKee, lol, I laughed so hard reading your comment about having to still call your mom, that I had to read that comment to my mom, who immediately said, what, there wasn’t any other phone there she could use???

  93. though twitter is completely masturbatory in itself, as a general rule, picking actual masturbation over looking at twitter is a probably always the better bet.

    in bed with married women recently posted Vagina. Panty. Vagina Panty!.

  94. I never had any actual reason to make a collect call, but when I was in fifth grade I was one of the smart kids who got to be on the weekly pop quiz show that would air on our local education channel, and on Fridays we would take a bus to the high school to film it, and while we were waiting for our turn I would use the pay phone and collect call random numbers and say crazy stuff during the ‘say your name’ prompt.

    That was a really long sentence, and a blatant display of how weird I am.

    Amanda recently posted Blood and words.

  95. We made a code name for “I’m here”…I think it was “Harry” but I really can’t remember. That was an eternity ago. Are there still pay phones? Lol. And I NEVER get bored. My husband won’t let me 😉

    Sherry recently posted How to Make Boot Liners with A Few Miner Adjustments.

  96. Ha! Twitter founders are the ones masturbating

    xo Ashley

    Ashley recently posted Things I Love Thursday.

  97. This makes me think of that hilarious commercial where a couple just had a baby and sent out collect calls from “Wehadababy Itsaboy”. Love it!

    Sara recently posted Ethan, sweet Ethan.

  98. I remember the declined calls! Thanks for the reminder. Of the calls and how old I am.

    Naked Girl in a Dress recently posted What Would You Do with Two Hours to Be Completely Self-Indulgent?.

  99. I totally remember collect calling, upps that means I am old and masturbate while in tweeter?

    Mexmom recently posted The field trip.

  100. Yes, we did that with calling collect. We also had a system where our grandparents would call and ring once and then hang up, so we would call them back. That way they didn’t have to pay for long distance. So it was an ABSOLUTE RULE in our household that you never ever wever bever answered the phone till the second ring otherwise The Grandparent System didn’t work.

    Sharon Wachsler recently posted Waspish Wednesday: Don’t “Let It Snow.” How Autoplays Can Disable Visitors to Your Website.

  101. Yep, I remember doing that. I had a dad that stood there and yelled GET OFF THE PHONE YOU’RE DRIVING ME TO THE POORHOUSE! every time my mother talked to anyone more than 30 seconds. She liked to call when he was at work, just for that reason…

    Dee recently posted Cooking Kale.

  102. I’d always call my mom collect from cheerleading/musical practice and say “pick me up!” And of course she would decline, but luckily pick me up 🙂

  103. This is exactly how Terminator started… Almost.



    Valerie recently posted Fact: Pygmy Hippos are Assholes.

  104. And what if when you made that collect call you got a BUSY SIGNAL? Remember those??

    Emily recently posted Wordless Wednesday: Cape Cod Sunset.

  105. Oh, my mom would totally get on Twitter’s ass. She’d be all, “Oh, you’re bored? Well, let me give you something to do” and Twitter would be cleaning the kitchen floor with a toothbrush.

    Erica recently posted The horrible games we play.

  106. Does Twitter really need to suggest masturbation? Is is something that just doesn’t occur to most people?

    Anne Stinnett (Wickedelfchild) recently posted In Case of Possession Do Not Break Glass.

  107. Yup, we did that collect call thing after we GOT a phone. That was a good five years or so after the indoor bathroom was installed. You wanna talk old? I’ll see your old and raise it with the backwoods card. Now I don’t even have a land line or a television. My new computer doesn’t have a dvd drive in it. I stream all things video and read in ebook only. GAWD, I loooove technology.

    Lynne Thomas recently posted My Algernon Moment.

  108. feel the love.

    then wipe it off a little.

  109. Hahhaha “masturbate” is probably the most accurate answer out there

    Mayor Gia recently posted Five Stages of Wine Grief.

  110. I used to call collect on a pay phone from the airport when I got off the plane, say the call was from “Terminal B”, and then my dad would show up outside the correct Terminal by the time I got my bags, so he wouldn’t have to pay for parking. We also wouldn’t have to pay to check a bag back then. We are old.

  111. I so totally did the collect call with my parents, especially in college , when the only phone was a pay phone in the hallway of my dorm! I’m really giving away my age there.

  112. I like the weed one. However, someday it will be legal and the equivalent of checking your phone every three seconds. Still bored. Stoned, but bored.


    uniqueweirdness recently posted Bar Cabinet Project – Trash to Treasure!.

  113. Busted. Well, I had a good run. 😉 Uh, well um, I’m kinda bored now, soooooo….

    Sara recently posted Snapshots..

  114. Oh see? I read that as #thingsIdowhenIgetBONED.

  115. Yes. I did that. I even did that with friends who lived far away. The phone company never seemed to catch on. Dumb.

  116. I lived in the UK – we had a “phone ring code” – when you arrived safely, you called from a payphone and let the phone ring twice. If it rang three times, it meant “pick up, I need help”.

    Shackleford Hurtmore recently posted Is Russell Strickett of Ellerslie guilty of being a dick?.

  117. Awesome. Actual convo that just occurred in my house:

    Me to my husband: “Hey did you ever do that? I totally did.”
    Husband, giving me a strange look: “No. We had an 800 number to call to get my dad if we needed anything”
    Me: “what”

  118. Hahahaha…. Twitter: the unofficial hidden camera in everybody’s house!

    Miss Gee recently posted Sorry, in Advance..

  119. Yeah, my coworkers would not let me hear the end of it if I put down masturbate.

    Cheryl D. recently posted A New Addition!.

  120. Well, now I want to masturbate. Thanks, Twitter. Too bad my lady strumming arm is broken and has very limited mobility. *sigh*

  121. I’m glad I’m not the only one who masterbates when bored

  122. TOTALLY did the collect call thing. More often for when we needed to be picked up at the mall. We’d have to squeeze in where at the mall during the ‘state your name’ bit. So the automated thingy would ask you to state your name and you would speak super fast to try and fit in as much as you could before it cut you off like, “pickmeupatdoorfour!”. Mom would decline the call and be there in 15 minutes. 🙂

  123. Age does something to you.

    Like I no longer dream of sex.

    I dream of TexMex.

    My precious, long lost, Tex-Mex.


    HogsAteMySister recently posted FedExTexMex!.

  124. How does Twitter find time to masturbate when it’s so busy counting all of those letters?

    Blunderbuss recently posted Pain, Trains and Automobiles.

    Blunderbuss recently posted Pain, Trains and Automobiles.

  125. I think I prefer these fake posts of yours to the real ones.

    PS. “Endlessly checking emails” is a euphemism for masturbation. I’m surprised you didn’t know that.

    Claire J recently posted Ever Notice How The Air Tastes Sweeter Right After The Thunderstorm?.

  126. No one said masturbate?
    Kids today just don’t know how to use their time productively…

  127. To be fair, “masturbate” is likely the top signified for the signifier “things I do.”

  128. Yup, totally did the collect call thing. But I called asking for myself. Since I wasn’t there, Dad would decline the call. 😉

  129. Semi related – I remember when I was in school and we were doing sex education classes and EVERY year someone would ask if it was O.K. to masturbate and EVERY year the teacher said it was fine as long as it didn’t become a ‘problem’, like if you didn’t go hang out with friends because you’d rather stay at home and masturbate.

    Then we’d all laugh like, “Yeah. Who would do THAT? Not me. Definitely not. Really. I swear.”

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  130. We used to do that (the collect call thing, not masturbating) from the payphone after sports’ practices in high school. Those were the good ole days. But we’re not old. Nope. Not us!

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  131. My mom used to be so pissed when I’d forget to call (EXACTLY like that). Now if my kids don’t text me back in seconds, they’re so grounded.

    Twitter should really be called Oversharing. Still love it anyway.

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  132. I used to call collect and leave a number so I could get called back, when the person I was “trying to reach” was in.

    I love that you are explaining twitter to me. I have absolutely no understanding of how to work it. Which is interesting as I regularly post to twitter in an effort to get my blog read more broadly. Hmmmm.

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  133. Wait, shit, am I supposed to be bored to masturbate? I’VE BEEN DOING IT WRONG!

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  134. Wait, you use your hands to masturbate? wow, wish id known….

  135. These responses are awesome. (so is jenny’s blog, of course.) Love me some wittiness in Fridays.

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  136. The collect call thing……did that!!!!

    Bridget McArthur recently posted A beautiful distraction.

  137. You are not old. I have bras your age.

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  138. Does this mean that Twitter masturbates? Now I’m going to be thinking about the mechanics of this all day….

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  139. My parents would always call my grandmother collect from one of us when we were leaving to come see her. It was an 8 hour drive and I guess they wanted to be sure and let her know when to start the countdown, so she would know when to worry because we weren’t there yet.

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  140. Instead of a collect call, I would just arrange to call and let it ring once and hang up so they knew I was there. No cost, no foul. I do remember the commercial mentioned earlier though. I remember that being really funny at the time.

  141. I bet you remember busy signals too. I used to keep a quarter in my flute case for emergency phone calls. That’s old and nerdy.

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  142. Apparently people do incredibly boring things when they’re bored. I was hoping for a list of ideas…

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  143. I remember my uncle coming over to show off his new gadget, a cell phone! It was a chunky, black plastic flip phone with an antennae. And we were all so impressed. Good times.

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  144. There was a payphone in the day student lounge (DSL) of my high school, for the express purpose of keeping one’s parents in the loop.

    We weren’t allowed to use it.

    Apparently, there are only so many times you can answer a phone with “Hello, LSD” and “Pete’s Pizza” before you lose your phone privileges. Huh.

    Dana the Biped recently posted Fast Times at a School That Would Probably Not Prefer to Be Associated With This Blog.

  145. My parents couldn’t be bothered to keep track of where we were or if we arrived safely so no collect calls of that nature. I did get stuck somewhere once and called collect. My mother was clueless, “Judy? Judy WHO? I don’t know anyone who would call collect” while I was yelling in the background , “Your daughter! I’m your daughter!” Then I caught crap for bothering her day and making her come get me, so as kids we learned to accept rides from potential serial killers rather than disturb our parents from whatever boring thing they were doing (and now I know what THAT was).

    I can say that pay phones do still exist because we have one at work that we can refer students to rather than tie up the business lines with people who say they need to call for ride but then talk about dinner plans and who is babysitting and all sorts of conversations that are not of the “come get me’ variety. And as one of the 50 people left on the planet without a cell phone yes I do know that not everybody owns a cell phone (the opening line we get when asked to use the phone).

  146. 147

    I don’t tweet…what a horrible waste of time it is to use Twitter…and I’m not that old.

  147. I used to use that method as recently as 6 years ago. 😛

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  148. My (college) students call it procrasterbation. There are so many things I wish I didn’t know about them. Sigh.

  149. I think we used to yell full sentences to see how much we could get into that nearly collect call before getting cut off. Good times.

    Wombat Central recently posted Making Friends at Every Age.

  150. I was in England, and typically broke, back in the mid 90’s. I had no money to call home for any length of time. So, after I’d been shopping or had a decent amount of change after a candy bar run, I’d call home from a pay phone. I’d drop the money in and dial California from southwest England. The pay phones there gave you a minute (and second) countdown of how much time you had left on the call. I’d put in the equivalent of a dollar or two and dial the number. It’d ring and I’d get my brother, or on occasion, my mother. It was our pre-arranged agreement. They’d say hi, and I’d say “Hi, it’s Jason. I had some change and wanted to say hello, I miss you, I love you (CLICK!)” The call never lasted more than 10-30 seconds, but was fun.

    Oh, and yes, I remember the collect call message to. Some of those got bad once it was a computer that handled the message.

    The Cheeky Daddy

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  151. Jenny, I’m from Brazil and yes, I used to do that all.the.time, with my parents or grandmother, calling collect to let them know I arrived safe, with the understanding that they would reject the call.

    Good to know it’s an international thing, heehee.

  152. SOOOO, just the other day I was telling a few 16 year old students of mine (I’m a high school teacher) a traumatic story about how my car broke down once when I was their age, so I had to walk a mile to a Days Inn and the manager wouldn’t let me use their phone, so I had to go into the parking lot, use the pay phone and make a COLLECT CALL. I was waiting for a gasp at the thought that this motel would make a teenage girl go out into the dark parking lot to get help. The girls stared at me blankly. BECAUSE THEY DIDN’T KNOW WHAT A COLLECT CALL WAS. How’s that for feeling old.

    PS They also don’t know what a dial tone is.

  153. Oh WOW. I totally forgot about doing that. WOW, so much has changed.. AMAZING!!!

    I remember having to carry a dime (showing my age) and then a quarter under my shoe insert for emergencies.

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  154. Wasn’t there some old commercial that showed a guy getting a collect call from “Hadababy Itsaboy?” Can’t remember what it was for, so it must have been a Super Bowl commercial.

  155. Whatever, Twitter… “I’m just holding it for a friend”. 😉

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  156. I remember needing a ride home and calling from “momi’mreadypickmeupbythelionstatues.” Ah… those were the days.

  157. After eight years in a (I thought) loving and caring relationship with the person I thought was the love of my life, she has just had a two month affair and ended things with me.
    I am distraught, heartbroken and struggling to get through each day. I have been unable to sleep without medication, have no appetite and have started having panic attacks again for the first time in (you guessed it) eight years.
    If this had happened 8 years ago, I wouldn’t have been able to go to the doctor to ask for the medication to get me to sleep, I wouldn’t have been able to post on Facebook that I was having a bad day and needed my friends (and not just because Facebook wasn’t around back then). Not only have I grown within myself but I have discovered you.
    You have given me the strength to acknowledge that it’s OK to ask friends for help – that if they are truly my friend they will be there.
    You have given me the strength to publicly admit that I’m not coping.
    Your blog, your book and the community you have gathered around you have given me the strength to say “I’m not strong enough”.

    I’m not sure if you are aware of how many people that you help simply by being honest and open about your struggles – I know that I would not have made it through this last fortnight without you and that you will help me make it through the next fortnight and the one after that and the one after that. . . .
    This little kiwi girl would like to thank you for being brave enough to write. . .

    Having said all of that – I don’t want to diminish the help that my friends have given me – some of them have hit me over the head until I’ve admitted that I need their help, some have kidnapped me so that they can look after me for a while, some have put food in front of me and treated me like a child until I have eaten, others have simply hugged me. . .all of them have been there for me and helped me through this first stage and will continue to help me. . .

  158. I’ve not used Twitter very long and I don’t think I understand it…TWITTER, WHY SO CREEPY? I thought I understood that whole hashtag thing and then you go and break my trust by either a) working in differently to how I thought you did or b) being a creepy stalker. Either way I’m disappointed in you. Bad Twitter.

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  159. Great… Twitter went and found itself a brain. :/

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  160. Actually, I’d have the operator call my mom to make a person to person call to myself. My mom would say “she’s not here”, and I’d say, “we’ll I’m sure she’s fine”. The operator would act like she really didn’t know what was going on.

  161. I must be older than you – we had live operators taking our names so I had to ask for a fake name (if everything was okay) and my mom would say she wasn’t home to decline the call. (If there was trouble I was to ask for my mom’s real name.)

  162. Now those were the days. I like having more contact to supervise what they’re doing with my kids except now they decline the call.

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  163. Lies and more lies. It should be “masturbate”… then “anything random I can do until I’m ready to masturbate again.”

    It’s nature’s substitution for daytime TV.

    thedavidcmurphy recently posted Zombie Virus is Ruining my Morning.

  164. Related: I never went out of town without my parents. Had this happened, my mother would have accepted the call and to this day I would still be hearing about “that time you called me collect and I had to pawn your brother to pay the phone bill.”
    Unrelated: I have a feeling that Stoner Boners’ routine is the same regardless of his state of boredom or lack thereof. He left out the masturbation step because Twitter already covered it for him.

  165. I drove cross country when I was 19, camping out along the way. Each night called my mom from a payphone, collect, of course, using a code name for whatever state I was in (I left her a list), and she’d reject the call. But one night I really needed to talk to her and used my own name, and she rejected the call anyway. She was easily confused by our intricate communications system…

  166. The high school I went to had pay phones in them, so we could call home. I’d do the collect call thing ALL THE TIME.

    By the time my brother went to the same high school, about two years after I graduated, they were removed. WEIRD.

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  167. Twitter isn’t just self aware, it’s a cockblock.

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  168. Oh the Glory Days of saving money from Ma Bell. My Dad worked at a tire plant – payphone in the break room. He would call – let it ring once and then hang up so he could get his quarter back. I can still hear that phone ring… my Mom shouting DON’T PICK THAT UP !!!!!!! If it was just one ring, we knew it was Dad. Mom would call him back. 🙂 Some days I really wish they had a payphone in Heaven.

  169. I remember doing that, and the ‘wehadababyitsaboy’ commercial. Classic. As for the ‘other’ thing, I’m not *touching* that 🙂

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  170. We totally did the collect call thing. We even had a thing where I’d collect call Grandma when I got back to my (apartment/dorm room/etc.) and she’d decline the call, then CALL ME BACK to chat so I wouldn’t have a long-distance bill. Because she was awesome like that.

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  171. I used to do that thing with the collect calls all the time.

  172. I feel the 14,270 people who retweeted the first tweet should probably follower Twitter’s advice and masterbate to fill time.

    P.S You’re not old. We did that shit from the pool to get my dad to come pick us up “You have a collect call from…’It’s lightening and we can’t swim anymore'” or “You have a collect call from…’Sister threw my nose plug in the filter.'” Technology has made annoying your parents so much harder.

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  173. We totally did the collect call thing when I was a kid. Ah, the good old days!

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  174. We used to do that collect call thing with a collect call from “come pick me up”.

  175. I just found this: “Prozvonit – In both Czech and Slovak language, this word means to call a mobile phone only to have it ring once so that the other person would call back, allowing the caller not to spend money on minutes” on here, fairly near the top:

  176. I used to call collect and say “momcomepickmeupokay” and hang up. 😉

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  177. Aw, this was a very good post. Taking a few minutes and actual effort to make a great article… but what can I say…
    I procrastinate a lot and never manage to get nearly anything

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