This is my whole life

I just spent an hour keeping my feet very still as I typed at my desk because my cat was sleeping on my foot, but then I started to get a foot cramp and so I slowly slid my foot out while saying “It’s okay.  Don’t move.  I just need to wiggle my toes.”  Then I backed out my chair to see under my desk properly so I could slide my foot under my cat again and that’s when I realized that I’d mistaken my cat for a jacket.  So basically I’d just spent an hour being very quiet and still and then I comforted MY JACKET as I removed my foot from it.  The cat was laying right next to it.  Watching all of this occur.  Now I feel stupid for embarrassing myself in front of the cat who now thinks that I think my jacket is alive.

This is my whole life.


In unrelated news, it’s like 2 weeks too late for my weekly wrap-up and I don’t even know what year it is anymore.

What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

  • HAPPY EVERYTHING.  (Perfect for any holiday, birthday, funeral regular day that you forgot was special.)

What you missed on the internets:

This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

This week’s wrap-up is sponsored by the fabulous Jethro Collins, author of It Takes A Village To Kill Your Husband, a campy tale featuring delightfully psychotic HGTV hostess who decides to do away with her cheating bastard husband which incorporates new uses for designer shoes, vaginas that smell like magical Chick-Fil-A waffle fries, sexy carpenters and lots of other inappropriateness. Minivans. Murder. Pancakes.  The usual.

154 thoughts on “This is my whole life

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I frequently run into furniture and then apologize to it. My mom says it’s because I’m a nice person… But I think it’s a sign of a deeper issue… As in: I’m pretty convinced that dresser moved 3 inches into the room on its own and is possibly animate.

  2. I often spend time trying to lure my fluffy black boots to come and sit with me thinking they’re my cats!

  3. I am going to come out of my particular closet and tell you that I too have comforted my jacket, but for totally different reasons. And I can’t even begin to count the number of times I’ve embarrassed myself in front of the cat.

  4. You know all I can think? That if you were Mohammed who cut off his sleeve not to disturb his cat, you would cut off your jacket’s sleeve not to disturb your jacket.

    I’m not at all surprised that you’re the sort of person who doesn’t disturb their cat. Or, er, jacket.
    It’s a nice thing to do. Although neither of them will probably appreciate the that effort much. 😉

  5. I love how considerate you are of your Furry Creatures 🙂 [and your jacket! – I am sure there is a spot in Fashion Heaven for you one day]


  6. OMG. So early to be awake and doing things. If you manages to type that out at 6:30 on a Sunday morning then you are otherworldly.
    Ps-jackets need love too. You did the right thing.

  7. Well, now I need to buy It Takes a Village to Kill Your Husband, if only to test my theory that it’s a modernization of Murder on the Orient Express, except with the Olsen Twins and a wheelbarrow.

  8. I’ve done that. Only it was a slipper and my brother in law’s foot was still in it. Then I made a complete fool of myself trying to explain it. This is why hubby’s most regular saying to me is: “Things are never as bad as when you start explaining things”

    Love the mysterious tiny rooms. 🙂

  9. I could never get away with this, my cat starts “bitching” the second I move if she’s sleeping on or near me. Currently, she’s griping in her sleeping because my arm is brushing her shoulder as I type this. I’ve long since given up on trying to comfort her when I need to move, I just do it as quickly as possible. Usually it means she ends up getting disgruntle and leaving until I get settled again, then Her Highness returns and settles on me as well.
    We’ve had over 10 years together to work out a system that works for us 🙂

  10. Jackets have feelings, too, you know. You can’t just be throwing them around willy-nilly. So, even if you only did it because you thought it was your cat, you made the right call! 😉

  11. I totally relate to this. I’ve sat on the sofa with a cat on my lap and had to go to the bathroom so badly that I’ve nearly peed my pants. Finally, when you gotta go…sorry, kitty!

  12. I’ve done that with Tiny while she’s teething. We will fall asleep on the couch and then I need to move… I slide out from under her as slowly as possible usually falling on the floor….I haven’t mistaken her for a jacket….yet.

  13. I used to do the same cat thing except with a blanket instead of a jacket, but Logan weighs 427 lbs now (he’s a Maine Coon, it’s cool) so it’s easy to distinguish him now, what with the crushing weight on my toes and all…

  14. “i didnt think oregon trail gifs could sum up my life but well there we go”

    Well I guess having your life summed up by fictional pioneers in a computer game is better than having it summed up by the Donner Reed Party.

  15. Definitely apologized to a pair of my husband’s shoes yesterday for kicking them, thinking they were my cat.

  16. I am straining my eyes reading (and commenting) on this post on my little iPhone instead of my big iPad because my iPad is in my bedroom 10 feet away …but I am sitting in my comfy chair with my dog sleeping curled up on my shoulder and I don’t want to bother her. My husband has actually offered to bring me my iPad that is in our bedroom 25 feet away from him…but I don’t want to bother him either. I am a goddamn martyr that’s what I am…a goddamn martyr with strained eyeballs. *sigh*

  17. Your cat is probably just thinking how messed up it is that you are sooo considerate of your jacket’s feelings, but the other night you tripped over *him* and just started cursing because he made you stub your little toe … Possibly I’m projecting my own life here. Just a little.

  18. This totally calls for a ‘Happy comfort-your-jacket day!’ card, and starting a new movement. Jackets have feelings too.

  19. Don’t feel alone. I’ve very carefully gotten out of bed so I wouldn’t disturb the dog only to realize I had been laying next to a lump of blanket and the dog was sleeping in another room entirely.

  20. At least your whole life doesn’t consist of serving crazy cougars, hungover frat boys, dried-up hookers and kids hopped-up on Red Bull – all in a single morning!
    Welcome to my world on a Sunday….

  21. LOL That’s almost as good as when I sat here for an hour one night thinking that my husband was calling our cat for 40 minutes from bed when he was supposed to be sleeping (the husband sleeping, not the cat). Turns out the noise I was hearing was her snoring, and her snores sound like “whoooooooooo whooooooooo”.

  22. I keep my feet very still so the kitten doesn’t ATTACK. Thankfully the jackets haven’t started doing this. Yet.

  23. Ohmigosh, my husband did something similar when he saw our cat staring at him from the hallway as he cooked dinner, assumed he was trying to use his kitty mind power to get a treat, and was all: “What’s that, Johnny? You want a treat? Too bad, I’m busy. Some of us have to work to get food” (yada yada yada) Only to realize later that he had been talking to the big metal watering can in the hallway. P.S. Sometimes we call the cat watering can for giggles. #neverforget

  24. Our college aged children pointed out that my husband and I spend an inordinate amount of time assisting our elderly, incontinent dog outside. We have the intensity of a commando unit in doing so……One of us helping old dog to his feet while yelling for the other one to “Open the door! Open the door” Yeah, we’re in our 40’s…but this has become the basis of our lives. haha

  25. That’s funny..! Though I’ll see your sentient jacket & raise you 10 minutes looking for my specs only realise that I was wearing them…

  26. I think your cat was just being an asshole and messing with you the whole time by replacing himself with a jacket just to make you feel stupid. It worked.

  27. How do you know you’re cat isn’t just leaping off your foot as he replaces himself with your jacket like a stealthy ninja who is also kind of a dick.

  28. I spend a lot of time lying in bed in an uncomfortable position because if I jostle my older dog she gives me a gut-wrenching look of reproach, then gets off the bed to lie on the floor. Then I have to coax her back onto the bed, because I feel like a monster for disturbing her and making a senior sleep on the floor. And sometimes, she doesn’t want to get back on the bed, but I pick her up and put her there anyway. Sometimes several times if she keeps getting down.

  29. The other day in class, I felt something crawling on my arm. I tried to calm myself down before freaking out in a lecture hall of 150 people and glanced down at my arm expecting the worse. Turns out, it was just my own hair…

  30. As I sit here uncomfortable on the couch with a backache, wanting desperately to move, I persist in this position because my cat is curled up on my legs. She so rarely graces me with her presence that I feel compelled to tolerate the sensation of my legs burning up because she’s too hot…all so that she doesn’t feel rejected.

    I glanced down to double-check and it IS a cat on me, not a jacket, so at least there’s that to feel good about. 🙂

  31. I get that. Last night I felt something touch my hair and I was absolutely convinced someone had gotten in my house and was seconds away from killing me, when I realized it was my cat. I would have rather done it your way 🙂

  32. Cats are assholes, don’t let their judgment ruin your life. Just remember that you have opposable thumbs and cats do not.

  33. Ha! I can’t see without my glasses and one morning I got up and started talking to my cat. Then I went onto the hallway to find my cat looking at me wondering why I was talking to my gym bag.

  34. Ha! I can’t see without my glasses and when got up in the morning I started talking to my cat. I then proceeded to the hall only to find my cat looking at me wondering why I was talking to my gym bag.

  35. Oh the plus side…your jacket give you all the warm cuddliness of cats without their need to be fed/habit of clawing your eyeballs out when you try to take ’em to the vet.
    No vet bills for jackets, either.

  36. My dog thinks I’m stupid and sits on my feet. I don’t know if that’s better or worst.

  37. That sounds like me.. This morning, my boyfriend could not understand why I wouldn’t get up to go pee because the kitten was asleep on my lap. How could I possibly disturb that purring slumber?

  38. What have you named your jacket?

    Some possibilities:

    MWL (pronounced Meowl, stands for My Whole Life)

  39. Cat jackets are hugely popular in many parts of the world.

    Cat socks, too.

    And since your family is into taxidermy?

    There is a HUGE business opportunity to be had.

    And the accessories?

    We’re thinking ferrets.

    Plus also?

    Beyonce Brand Cell Phones.

    I know, right?

  40. This is totally something I would do too. Except, it wouldn’t be a jacket, it would be some horrid animal that isn’t my cat. Something that crept into the house!

  41. OMG, Jenny! You need to make the Happy EVERYTHING shirt into a card! That would make my life SO much easier 🙂

  42. I can think of some great “bubbles” that I could draw above your cat’s head to show what he/she was thinking about you as you comforted your jacket. Cats are real smart-asses (as you know) and I’m sure yours had some stellar words for you…

  43. At least you did not cut off your foot (as Mohammed cut off his sleeve) to avoid disturbing the cat. And, don’t worry, cats already have the lowest possible opinion of human intelligence. In their eyes, there’s nothing we can do to descend any further on the IQ scale.

  44. I tried once to sneak over the 140lb white dog on my bedroom floor (which, when it’s clean, is also white). I misjudged where Chewy was lying, tripped, and faceplanted into his belly. In the dark. While he was sleeping.

    He just looked at me like I’m stupid and went back to sleep. They constantly judge me, I swear.

  45. I don’t have cats, but I have done something similar thinking my husband is still in bed and I’m trying not to wake him up. I fumble around in the dark while trying to gather my glasses and a book to go read quietly in the living room. Only when I nearly step on him in the bathroom because he’s laying on the cold tile, do I realize that he piled the covers and a pillow in such a way that it only looks in the dark like he’s still in bed. And he wonders why he sometimes wakes up with a pillow over his face. Not really, but it’s been tempting. 😉

  46. I’ve been giggling about this for over an hour…only because it sound exactly like something I haven’t done yet (but probably will).

  47. ok…I’m just gonna go out on limb here and ask….does everyone keep their jacket under the desk? I feel like I am missing out, although it sounds like a great new use for a jacket when you are not actually ‘wearing’ it outside 🙂

  48. You don’t remember what year it is?

    It is “The Year of the Library” remember?

    You declared it to be so!

    Did you forget?

  49. I’m so happy I’m not the only one!! I’ve done that! I’ve spent a really long time not moving so my cat wouldn’t be disturbed and the cat was not even there!

  50. Ha, I misread the part when you said you are two weeks late for your weekly round-up for you being two weeks late (like late late) and I spit my drink out all over my computer screen. Literally. Vodka and coke running down my computer. Good times.

  51. So I am not the only one that feels so loved when one of my cats falls asleep or is lounging on me that I won’t dare move until my bladder is about to bust???!!! LOL!! I really would be in trouble on so many levels if I ever figured out how to pee in a container instead of getting up, inserted a catheter or just wore a diaper in order not to disturb the cats! Scary thing is, on certain days I could sort of imagine me doing that………eek!
    Can you say might need to learn to put myself first????? LMAO 😉

  52. Don’t worry – I’ve comforted my jackets too. They need love.

    Now it’s time for me to go back into my padded cell.

  53. I am in the middle of not moving around for one of my cats right now. She’s definitely not a jacket, but I wouldn’t put trying to confuse me past her. I’d REALLY like to adjust my legs though. *sigh*

  54. I’ve had this happen as well. If it’s my jeans that are on the couch after I’ve taken them off in favor of a bathrobe, the pants may well contain Sparky, the inquisitive cat, who likes trying to get into my pants. Which is not exactly what it sounds like, except that he DOES spend rather a lot of time trying to mount Buzzy, the hyperactive cat. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, until Buzzy objects, which he does. You know, that hubby was right. It does get worse when you try to explain it.

    For those playing along at home, Sparky likes crawling into my (unoccupied) blue jeans, and tunnelling down the legs one at a time. He does this to the wife’s jeans, too, while she’s still in them, starting at the ankle.

    Sparky’s seduction skills clearly need work. As Buzzy can attest.

  55. I often have to comfort the pieces of my wardrobe, but it’s as I try to put them on. “It’s okay, it’s okay, boy…these pants will totally fit. It’s okay…”

  56. Love your cat story. I, unfortunately, have done it in reverse, thinking it was my coat under the wheels of my chair when it was actually the dog’s tail. The silly dog never made a peep!

  57. My cat gets similar preferential treatment. I’m also on a personal crusade to prevent depression in the family hermit crab who just lost it’s partner.
    I have publicly declared that I will consume the dog in the time of the Apocalypse, so I really can’t say what I’d do if I thought he had my feet hostage.

  58. I’ve done that! But it’s better than thinking your husband is spooning you, then turning over to see your dog.

  59. Fret not…I’ve had moments like that a lot! My dogs have never had respect for me so it’s cool, lol.

  60. Holy Crap the stupidity of the facebook posts was mind blowing. I thought I understood how dumb people can be, but I was so wrong.
    Also the tiny mysterious rooms were, well really neat and kinda weird.
    Also I didn’t realize there were so many places to ford rivers in OT. o.O

  61. I think you meant to say that you’d mistaken your jacket for your cat. If you had mistaken your cat for your jacket, you would have swung the cat over your head and tried to insert your arm into its belly. Just sayin’.

  62. Sorry but I have nothing witty to add to the party. I have just read ‘The best instances of shamefully misidenifying a facebook photo’ and I just can’t get my breath back after the girl “posing with spac from star wars”. I need to find this girl and make her my new BFF.

  63. Hunter S. Tomcat’s resulting blog post:
    Today, I was highly insulted by the overly affectionate human. She indicated that my worth as a companion is on par with a piece of clothing. I know this was an intentional display on her part, as she checked to make sure I had been watching her actions. In retaliation, I have decided to defecate in the potted plant. Let’s see a jacket do that.

  64. This post has nothing to do with your anxiety. Not all your posts do. But I need to talk about mine and don’t have another outlet right now.

    It’s bad. It’s really really bad. It’s so bad that I feel as though the entire world is moving even when I’m sitting perfectly still. My anxiety is health related and I’m pretty sure I’m dying of some terrible disease. Is there anyone out there who understands? Is there anyone out there who gets it? I need to know I’m not alone, that this isn’t me dying but instead it’s just my mind playing tricks on me.

    Please help. I have no one to turn too, no one who understands, just people who mean well but instead tell me to just buck up and get over it. If anyone is out there. Please help.

  65. This is like when my dog mistakes my underwear for me and uses those for a bed instead of my lap, right? At least he doesn’t eat the crotch out of them like certain other dogs from my past.

  66. As a fellow cat-owner, I empathize with your plight and have suffered in solidarity. You had me cracking up in my chair at work! Everyone was probably wondering what the heck was so freakin’ funny.

  67. Lauren,

    I understand. I too have health problems and the attendant anxieties. The only way it gets better is to reach out, like you are, and find help. Seeing a doctor and getting treatment for anxiety is part of my life, and I don’t expect the “normal” people in my life to fully understand, and that’s okay. If you are unable to see a doctor and are feeling too isolated, I would look into online support groups for those with chronic/long term illness. We’re out there, and talking about it with others in similar situations help.
    Remember, anxiety and depression lie. You aren’t alone.
    I hope it gets better for you, that you are able to find hope and peace.

  68. The cat would judge you either way, I suspect. I don’t have a real cat, since I’m horribly allergic. Instead I have a momvoice in my head that criticizes everything I do. It’s much more efficient, but not as furry.

  69. Don’t you think it’s ironic that we humans will do anything for our pets comfort and they are more than happy to whatever makes them happy and get snippy with us when we need them to move.

  70. It backwards with our pets. My Great Dane would fart, wake up, and look around like I did it. Then I’d do something that made her look at me like I was an idiot. I drive a car with my opposable thumbs you judgmental dog!

    The Cheeky Daddy

  71. Sometimes I think my cat must be invisible. She’s nowhere in sight, and then I turn around and she’s giving me the stink eye for almost stepping on her.

  72. This is why I love my dogs. Animals who lick their own privates tend to be non-judgemental.

  73. My advice: get rid of the cat and replace him with a python named Fluffy. Then of course you might mistake your boots for Fluff, especially if the fit mysteriously keeps getting tighter.

  74. OMG. I am dog-sitting for my dad and his crazy beast lies against the base of my desk chair, so I can’t move, and then my dog gets jealous about the proximity and SHE lies on the other side and I can’t move my feet or my chair and it’s exactly like you’re describing. It’s insanity.

  75. I had an aunt, while she was laying on the couch, thought she was scratching her dog’s ear, who was laying on the floor. She was scratching him all right, but it wasn’t his ear….

  76. OMG! I actually lol’d. This is the funniest thing I’ve heard in a while. And I really needed to laugh. Thanks, Jenny. 3> (boob heart) <3 (real heart)

  77. We’ve all been there. I talked to a lump under my comforter for 5 minutes last week thinking it was my diabetic cat trying to coax him out for his daily insulin shot.

  78. I often do weird things like that. Most recently I’ve been jumping to ridiculous conclusions about things. Now my roommate thinks we could make a game out of it and become rich.. who knows what weird quirky things will do for ya!

  79. I’d have done the same thing. I was awake last night because my husband was worried I was going to run off with a fake alien from South Africa. You can’t make this shit up.

  80. you made me laugh so hard that I had a little donkey “hee-haw” at the end…just so glad MY cats weren’t int he room to hear it!

  81. If it makes you feel better: One time when I was daydreaming, I accidentally petted the vacuum because I thought it was my cat. It wasn’t. She was actually sitting nearby looking at me like she wasn’t even suprised. Because of course the stupid human would pet the vacuum. This is what stupid humans do.

  82. This visual had me laughing so hard–the ‘tears running down my face, almost peeing my pants’ kind. Thank you so much for that–I needed it! My cat rules my life too, so I can totally relate. I’ll think of this post every time my limbs go numb because I dare not disturb His Highness. Too damn funny!

  83. LMFAO! Ohhhh man, have I had plenty of those moments myself. This truly made me laugh and I really needed thst today. Thank you!

  84. Every day when I wake up and work for a life coach I think of you and I am inspired. More people should be exactly as they are AND be appreciated for that.

  85. Now the cat is going to need therapy. If you find a few Xanax missing be sure to dust for pawprints. Unless of course your kitty wears gloves. Then you’re really screwed because they’ll never link the cat to the murder weapon. And your murder will go unsolved. And Victor will move on. With that home wrecking cat. You can’t trust cats. You’re better off with the jacket, frankly.

  86. I love that:
    a) So many people have done or would do the same thing. (I would!)
    b) There is a jacket under your desk… I mean, how did it get there? Was it furry?
    c) The cat saw everything and internal judged you.

  87. I embarrass myself in front of my cat ALL the time. Except he’s a little monster so if I wasn’t careful he’d bite my ankles off. So I gotta tip toe around him. 🙂

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