Define “A Lot”.

in Random Crap

Today I’m inPhoenix, AZ doing the very last stop of the book tour.  Come see me?  Please?

And while I’m gone this week I’m sharing “weird-things-I-took-pictures-of-with-my-phone.”  Except that this one is actually a screenshot from my computer, but I’m pretty sure that counts.

Today’s picture came from Yahoo News, which recommended this as the top story I’d most be interested in:

Aw. Yahoo knows me.

109 thoughts on “Define “A Lot”.”

Read comments below or add one.

  3. I don’t think I drink “a lot”. I’m going to have to help my brain by drinking more, Yahoo says so.

  6. Not to worry, Jenny… I’m sure the brain cells you’ve sacrificed in the pursuit of perfection did not die in vain.
    As far as I’m concerned, you’re an evolved human being.
    Then again, I spend my days surrounded by many of nature’s genetic blunders, so my judgement may be slightly impaired…..

  8. It’s always good to have a friend who supports your “questionable” choices. If Yahoo is that friend even better because they don’t get lippy when it backfires. Score.

  11. Here is a lot…specifically lot #1:
    Lot #1 – NAPA VALLEY VINTNERS AND AMERICA’S CUP
    THE AMERICA’S CUP FIRSTHAND

    THE AMERICA’S CUP FIRSTHAND
    72 BOTTLES OF NAPA VALLEY WINE, AS NOTED

    BEHIND-THE-SCENES RACE ACTIVITIES FOR 4
    AMENITIES FOR 4, AS NOTED
    4 VIP CONCERT TICKETS

    PRE-RACE EXPEDITION FOR 4

    WATERFRONT VIEWING FOR 4 OF THE RACE

    2 NIGHTS’ ACCOMMODATIONS IN SAN FRANCISCO FOR 2 COUPLES
    http://auctionnapavalley.org/auction-lots/live-auction-lots.aspx

    I think 72 bottles of wine qualifies as a lot, no matter how you look at it….

  12. But if you will extend the book tour to austin, I’ll bring you a couple bottles of whatever….

  14. A lot is relative, one of those things that requires definition per situation. Like, eating a lot of cherries is different from drinking a lot of tequila. Or, a lot of homework is different in elementary school compared to college. Or, like how a lot of anal sex is different from bringing a bag lunch to work a lot.

  16. Sweet!! My wine fridge is going to see movement of more bottles based on the headline alone! I’m not going to even read the article because the title is enough for me! Yay wine! 😀

  17. Dangit, now I have to go read that. ((goes away….comes back)) So, the big warning from the guy doing the study at the end of the article is ‘don’t go chugging quarts of vinegar y’all!’ (I may have added that y’all, but he totally said ‘chugging’) Hmm.

  19. that must be why I’ve gotten smarter as I’ve gotten older. Although maybe I should kick it up a notch. 😉

  23. I’m not going to make it this time around, not because of anything important or anything, just SOOO many people. Love you though, I hope you have a great night.

  25. “a lot”
    Is 2 bottles of wine “a lot”? Sheesh, you’d think I’d know that. Maybe I’ve boosted my brain beyond comprehension.

  30. While you are in Phoenix, you have to try the pomegranate guacamole at the Bario Café! The food is fantastic and the margaritas are even better!!!

  31. If Yahoo tells you to drink alot — you simply must.

    Sometimes Google tells me to eat lots of ice cream.

    Bing once told me to shoplift a lipstick. But I resisted. I’m not succumbing to peer pressure from some random search engine!

  34. Bring back the beer vending machine!

    Two jobs ago, my employer (a small company) actually had one. Better yet, it was free.

    It wasn’t advertised, however, and caused no problems until we had some Japanese in for training. And one of them discovered that ‘Diet Mountain Dew’ wasn’t. After that, we emptied that slot in the machine whenever we had training.

    Then we got bought by a big company, and alcohol on company premises was forbidden. Stupidity wasn’t, however, so I guess it’s just more evidence for the headline.

  42. Yet another way my poorness debilitates my brain function…alcohol is damned expensive. Someone wanna bring me some vodka so that maybe I can be less dumb? Thanks!

  44. Why, oh why does your Phoenix visit have to be the ONE DAY I can’t come see you? Sad day. Hope your last stop is an amazing one though!!! 🙂

  46. I’m attempting to use whiskey to burn out a nasty cold, so I think I’m doing life right. Boost away brain!

  50. Hi, the next time you come to Phoenix, please be at Changing Hands? The last time you came to Phoenix before I read your book so I missed it. This time the BN is too far away. 🙁 I am bummed I won’t be able to attend.

  55. So excited you’re coming to Phoenix. I can PROMISE you a chupacabra sighting.

  56. I was recommended that article, too–and I’m a Wisconsin Teetotaler (I.e., I don’t drink before 11. Unless there’s family involved. Then drinks before 11 have to include juice.)

  58. Ah, man . . . then how come I always feel so much dumber after just 1 glass of wine??? Is it that I’m not drinking enough?

  59. My wife and I will be there tonight. She doesn’t think we should talk because she believes, I’m your male counterpart.. I have no idea what that means.

  63. I would like to know what it means by “boosts”. Does it hold my brain up, like a push-up bra, or is Yahoo using the slang for shoplifting? Because I could totally see Al Cohol pulling a Winona Ryder and skipping out of the store with my brain under his shirt.

  67. Enjoyed you book and interview on Here and Now, how I learned about your book. Thanks, lots of belly laughs. Used to live in Wimberly, Texas, when I was a fifth grader. Your book was a reminder of how awesomely fucked up that was..

  69. When I worked on my MFA in Boston, I never met such a brilliant group of writers, NOR have I ever met such a drunk group of people. Coincidence?

  70. Hyperbole and a Half has an AWESOME blog post about the Alot. I miss her. 🙁

    Also, I had to edit that a few times. Because I may or may not have been drinking. A lot. :p

  71. What I get out of this recommendation is that Yahoo News believes you are a genius…or an idiot…I’m not sure. Either way, it’s passing judgment on your drinking and your brain.

    But hey, at least it knows you’re human…so…you know…silver lining.

  72. Noooooooooooo!!!!! I am so so sad. I was in Phoenix today for a conference and I so would have come to your signing had I checked my feedler this morning. Booooo!!

  73. I really wanted to come out and see you while you were in Phoenix. Damn priorities.

  76. Drove a long trafficy hour to get there. Walked in as applause erupted and q&a started. Bookstore guy was an a$$hat.

    Unfollow.

  77. The scariest part of your day was the best part of mine! It was such a pleasure to meet you tonight in Phoenix. Thank you for putting yourself and your stories “out there.”
    Xx,
    the girl with the floppy hat 🙂

  78. Why didn’t you come to Tucson where the sane people in Arizona live? Meaning Texans who moved here and regret it…

  83. I don’t know why it didn’t work for me. Maybe it takes a specific kind of alcohol? I’ve tried beer, wine and vodka. So far none of them did much for my brain. Please let me know if I should now try scotch.

  84. Reminds me of Cliff’s Buffalo Theory…
    Well you see, Norm, it’s like this… A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive drinking of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.”

  86. I saw you in Phoenix last night. Due to my tiny little broken leg I was allowed to sit in the “reserved/comfy wood” seats and pet my girlfriend all during your reading. We both laughed until we peed a little. I’m sure the chair will wipe up easily but aforementioned friend was sitting on the carpet which may not fare as well.
    You were more adorable than I could have imagined. Thank you for a truly delightful evening….which really was full of delight.

  87. I’m so bummed that I wasn’t able to see you in Phoenix. On your next book tour through Tucson.
    I am spreading the your gospel and they are loving your work 🙂
    Safe trip home.

  88. Totally late to the party here, but I finally got my lazy butt to the bookstore yesterday and bought a copy of Let’s Pretend This Never Happened. And I’m almost done with it, because it’s awesome and I can’t put it down. When I read your idea about just dipping waffles right in the butter, I thought, that is genius. And now I’m going to make eggos. But before I make eggos, it occurred to me that you might not know about butter crayons.

    Butter crayons is just my fancy phrase for when I want to put butter on my toast (or English Muffin or cornbread or pancakes) but the stick of butter is too solid from being in the fridge and so instead of trying to scrape the butter across the toast or pancakes or whatever with a knife (which is far too much trouble in my opinion) I just “draw” on the food with the stick of butter and it melts right on there and it doesn’t pierce the toast or mush the pancakes! The only down side of this is that the stick of butter gets toast crumbs stuck on the end of it, but you can tell Victor that it just adds extra flavor.

    You’re welcome.

  91. One my biggest regrets is not getting a picture of a sign over the lab sink in my old doctor’s office that read “Please wash your speculum after every use.”

  95. I feel pretty smart and sophisticated with a glass of wine in my hand. Until it’s the fourth or fifth glass of wine in my hand… It’s all downhill from there!

  96. Dear Jenny,

    Picked up your book today to read while my husband was having a heart catherization, the day after I returned from my sister’s funeral in Texas. Thank you, you saved me from the brink of maudlin by making me laugh out loud in the Sky Light Lounge of Lancaster General Hospital. But I must say I got some very dirty looks from some Mennonite ladies. The Amish must not have been able to score a ride today.

  97. Pretty sure “boosts” here means “steals.” As in, “he boosted my wheels and now I’m walking over to his house to kill him.” Or something like that.

  102. I dunno if I feel shmarter… I defally feel DIZZIER…I gonna hafta get back to ya on thaone ash shoon ash I finish thish bottle of wine…

    HICCUP!

  105. SOB you were in Phoenix and I missed it…love your books. (Note to self, read blogs more often.)
    In other news I was getting so brilliant I had to stop drinking…humanity wouldn’t be able to handle me ;).

  106. SONOFANUTCRACKER! I missed you in Phoenix. I wasn’t even busy that day! *ugh* I don’t think you should feel bad about putting a unicorn horn on your cat. I used to dress up my dog like Madonna. Except I called him “Madogga”. And it was a boy dog. A boy cross-dressing dog, if you will.

  107. Seriously you have been to Phoenix TWICE and I have missed you both times? How in the name of all that is holy did that happen? Ugh! That sucks!! Please come back., please?!! Anyway, I think Hunter S. Thomcat was just showing off!

  108. I totally subscribe to the Ernest Hemmingway theory of write while you’re drunk, edit when you’re sober. Except, if I do happen to write about a glass (bottle) of wine, I then think that whatever I wrote is supremely awesome and post it on the blog. Then the morning comes and it’s drunken ramblings.

Leave a Reply

MY BOOKS:


shop

Subscribe to the bloggess, y'all.

Enter your email address and receive notifications of new posts by email. It's like I'm stalking you, but more efficient.

Archives

MY INSTAGRAM

I’m not sure I’m doing substack right but I’m enjoying myself.
Kind of a big deer.
Stuck in the worlds longest hallway.
Happy 50th birthday to this absolute legend. I love you, mister.

ALL THE COOL KIDS ADVERTISE HERE:

I fucking love these people & not just because they support my wine-slushee habit:

Flourish in Progress: (T)hug Life: Part hood. Part good.

Pregnancy Calendar at Alpha Mom: Amalah’s week-by-week guide to the miracle of pregnancy and all the various indignities that come with it.

The Mack Files: Digesting life in bite-sized pieces through the lens of clichés, quotes & “truisms”.  Often irreverent, always honest.

Barking at the Moon: If your dog is your furry child, you will laugh out loud at Tracy Beckerman’s book about her family & a one-dog wrecking ball named Riley.

Kieran’s Humor: Not suitable for children, the sensitive or those hoping to get into heaven.

Go Doc Yourself Podcast: When a good doc ends, the klatch begins… Join hosts, scientists, and friends, Erin McCourt and Erin McCartt in weekly documentary dissection.

Scaredy Cat Travels: Traveling the world with the worst carry-on anxiety.

Welcome to xanaru: A mostly funny blog about the quest for happiness through authenticity, Great Danes and indiscriminate swearing. Plus hand-painted, custom artwork on bags, jackets, backpacks & more.

How the Hell Did I Not Know That?: Humorist Lucie Frost shares daily Instagram reels with learnings of the day—words, music, whatever–with plenty of laughs and all the curse words.

The Family Skeptical Podcast: We’re an atheist couple raising two children – we ask big questions, dissect weird parenting moments, and are jealous that our cats get so much sleep.

Beautiful Writers book: Writers! This coming-of-career memoir (w/ the BEST advice from celeb authors, real shit you haven’t heard) is life. A page-turning beach read doubling as how-to. #Magic

Sarah Linn on Medium: Humorist or unstable person with an internet connection? You decide.

Uncommon Creatures Digital Portraits: Animal art inspired by Earth’s most magical creatures. Got your own beloved pet you’d like to memorialize? Have no fear… let me turn your fur-baby into a work of art.

Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh: SO GOOD.

%d bloggers like this: