Hmm.

in Random Crap

My new favorite thing: Playing dumb when it comes to all the fucked-up shit in my house.

Marie Antoinette and Rikki-Tikki-Tavi.

Plumber:  Wow.  That’s…huh.

me:  I know, right?  We have a stupid amount of comic book boxes.  Stop judging us.

Plumber:  That’s not what I was-

me:  No.  It’s fine.  I do realize we have a problem.

Vaguely related:  Beyonce has made the move and is now on the back porch.   He is also missing a leg.

If you have time to lean you're probably missing a leg.

The good news though is that twitter is a magical money machine and when I asked everyone I know to paypal me $2 a couple hundred people actually did it because they are amazing and care too much.  So then I called a custom welding place and was like “Hi.  I need to get an estimate because my giant cock is broken and I need you to weld it back together.”   And then I called another one and I was like “Hi.  DON’T HANG UP.  This is not a joke.  A piece of my cock recently broke off and that’s not weird because it’s made of metal and I need someone to help me reattach-Hello?  Hello?”  And then Victor said that he would just rent a welding thingie and weld it back together himself so I’m pretty sure that means that our entire house is going up in flames.  In brighter news, I’m donating the several hundred you sent me to the ASPCA (because they once helped me when my dog ate too many egg rolls) and the local no-kill shelter.  I’m also asking the ASPCA to earmark it for “cock rescue” if possible.  I can only imagine this will be another phone call that ends with just me on the phone.

256 thoughts on “Hmm.”

Read comments below or add one.

  2. I mis-read it as “custom wedding place” and it became an entirely different story.

  6. “I have a valuable heirloom metal sculpture that I think you have the expertise and artistry to repair” just doesn’t have the impact that “I’d like you to weld my cock” does.

  9. What kind of a welder doesn’t fix a broken metal cock? I mean seriously, is that not their job?! Iron man is going to be pissed when he finds out that welders are getting selective with this shit.

  10. In high school, my nickname was cock roach. Long story. Anyway, I used to introduce myself like this. “Hi, my name is Cock Roach. You can call me Cock, for large.” I made a lot of friends.

  12. I can only hope and dream of the day when you call the business I work at…

  13. Isn’t it nice to know that people care so much about your inanimate objects? Who knew a giant metal chicken to wheedle two bucks out of anybody, let alone a whole bunch of people? Crazy.

  14. I would love to live your life, for just one day, it sounds like good fun. Without the hiding in bathrooms though, so we’d have to schedule around that.

  15. I’d love to see the look on that person’s face when they try to justify the “cock rescue” designation to their boss . . .

  16. The animal rescue league in Pittsburgh regularly gets cocks. They also do drag queen bingo. I can imagine no better place to get your love.

  17. This post is seriously incredibly amazing and why you are my absolute favorite blogger (well, other than myself I guess I would say but that’s a gray area).

    The last line of this is the best line I have read all day. Made me laugh so hard. Thank you for that as always.

  19. I love seeing the random stuff you have around your house. I’m glad you’re going to fix your giant metal cock. My husband would never trust me with a welding thingie.

  22. Just make sure Victor wears a welding hood, no good having a broken cock and a blind husband.

  23. I believe when I sent my $2, I specifically requested an audio recording of the conversation at the welder.
    As penance think you should walk into someone’s office with a hidden camera and ask them to fix your broken cock.

  24. So “Beyonce has made the move” is a phrase with certain caveats? Personally, I wouldn’t have considered that I’d “made a move” if I’d lost a limb on the way. Rather, I would flag that as a dissatisfying move.

  25. Yey! It warms the cockles of my heart that you’re giving it to animals. <3

    (Get it? Cockles? Of course you did.)

  26. Wow, it’s amazing how nice that scary ass cobra looks now. That Marie Antoinette is a problem fixer, yes siree.

  32. All I keep thinking is that Beyonce must be say he can’t get up what looks like a wicked spiral staircase.

  34. I just don’t get America’s misguided use of the word cock. It took me years to get over saying it, but I guess they fling it around casually in the UK because roosters are called cocks. Silly America. I heart it. Also, I didn’t mean that sentence to sound so dirty. Fling it around. Geez.

  35. Playing dumb usually works for me. That and answering questions with more questions. People eventually just give up and leave me alone.

  37. Doesn’t this mean that Beyonce’s name has to be changed to Eileen?

    Ba-Dum-Dum

    (did this just post twice? So sorry….)

  38. Also, can I just say I’m disappointed by the amount of people who seem upset over your choice of words. Hell, it’s your cock, why shouldn’t you call it what it is?

  40. But it is a nice cock. Shame it’s broken. Hope it gets fixed nice and straight–it’s always strange when a cock is wonky.

  41. Look at all those stairs you are going to fall down. Also, let me know if you find a $100 (or so, give or take….it might have been $5 or $400) when you are packing. I think I left it there last time.

  42. Just so you know, the CEO of the ASPCA makes over $500,000 a year. Your cock’s donations would do a lot more at your local shelter.

  43. I imagine the person at the welding place will have the best answer EVER when s/he goes home and is asked about how today went.

    Snicker.

  44. Is it just me or is there a lot more green surrounding the new place as opposed to the old place?

  47. My Ex once walked into the hardware store and asked for a good stiff caulk. Got a laugh out of that.

  49. Nobody has a sense of humor anymore. what’s up with that? Or, they have dirty minds which is why they hung up on you. Shame on them.

  50. Are you too young to remember Flashdance? That girl was not only gorgeous and talented, she was a welder. Why didn’t you call her?

  51. Marie Antoinette is AWESOME! As a side project you should be an art buyer-collector for the world’s villians–this stuff screams that it belongs in a lair.

    Good luck to Beyonce. Pimping and moving to a new house ain’t easy. Speedy recovery.

  52. Make sure Victor doesn’t dismantle Bey with that welding gun! Better keep an eye on him. ;o)

  54. Hobby Lobby has glass cocks but you get weird looks from them for calling them that LOL esp when you say it loudly around other costumers. “Look at all the glass cocks, they’re so big and colorful!”

  57. If Beyonce is a giant metal cock, perhaps you should have named him Steely Dan. (Where my book nerds at?!)

  58. If you hang some nuts from your cock, you’ll attract plenty of tits.

    Obviously, I’m talking about a birdfeeder and some birds. What were you thinking?

  63. please tell victor that in some cultures reattaching a piece of someone’s cock is tantamount to a proposal. (but only if you weren’t the person who caused said cock piece to detach in the first place.)

  64. Perhaps you should refer to Beyonce as a giant metal lawn rooster when making these phone calls.
    Just, you know…to avoid any images of Terminator on a sex spree.

  65. “Just make sure Victor wears a welding hood, no good having a broken cock and a blind husband.”

    that’s what too much masturbation gets you.

  67. So funny! Just thinking of the quote sheets written up for this type of work is hilarious.

    Also, giant metal roosters without a leg to stand on should probably avoid hanging out at the top of stone steps. Just sayin. That’s a way to lose other good cock parts.

  69. I’m happy Beyonce was the only family member to suffer damage on the move, and even happier he/she (I never know what to say) is repairable. ! It would seem to me you could get the moving company to pay for the welding, but then, maybe filling out their insurance forms might be as tricky as calling for a welder. 🙂

  70. You could take the chance to upgrade Beyonce. Either a prosthetic human leg or a Terminator leg would make a great fashion statement.

  72. broken cocks suck. hehe. hi, i’m nine, and i giggle every time cock and suck are in the same sentence.

  74. Don’t think of Beyonce as missing a leg, think of it as him harnessing his inner flamingo.

  76. Perhaps stating you need your giant chicken’s severed leg reattached will result in fewer hang ups. Then again, maybe not.

  77. Victor has a myriad of skills.

    I can’t believe neither of the welding places bothered to listen long enough to get the whole story.

  79. I love you. But I have to wonder what your neighbors think. Maybe you should give them a copy of your book.

  80. I just want to thank you. No matter how cloudy my head is, you never fail to elicit a laugh from me. And smiles the rest of the day when i remember. Thank you.

  82. Well, perhaps the welders should have heard you out and realized it was not a prank phone call. Back when I sold parts for vintage Mustangs I had a customer call and ask for a “hood penis”. While I had never heard it called that before, I knew what he was talking about. It is the post that locks into a plate on the car that keeps the hood from flying open in the event that it comes unlatched. In the customers defense it is a collared post with a pointed end, so I can see why he would identify it the way he did, although I usually call it by the more logical “hood locking post”. Given the actual size of the hood locking post, I kinda felt sorry for the customer and fully understood his reasoning behind owning a muscle car.

  83. Ok sitting on a bus trying not to laugh out loud but failing miserably. Failing mostly when stifling a laugh I tend to snort. Lmao. Now I am crying as everyone is staring at me. Thanks for making me laugh.

  85. “Why Beyoncé?” Just curious on the name choice. I thought I was the only one who actually named certain…décor around my house!!” Our plants have names too! Of course once you name them – there becomes a sense of attachment. Then if they die – I’m devastated. I know I’m pathetic… http://www.lifeasamorticianswife.com

    Lynne Houston.

  86. Love this!

    Reminds me of my sister, back in our Catholic high school, when she announced to a theater full of parents, teachers, and nuns — “The talent show will now have a short intermission. Please help yourself to cocks and cookies in the lobby.”

    Gasp!

    “I mean cokes! COKES and cookies in the lobby!”

    She never lived that down!

  87. I may be late to the game on this, but has anyone mentioned to you that Nathan Fillion is a welder? Seriously. He wanted to learn how in case of a zombie apocalypse and to help him build Halloween costumes. I told the whole story on Conan last year. I’m pretty sure you sending him a request for him to weld your cock would move you up to the full restraining order status with him, but I’d say it is totally worth the risk.
    Look, proof! http://youtu.be/3JDqhqizyB4

  90. I pity all the people looking for porn, by Googling metal cock, and instead get Beyonce, not the other Beyonce either.

  91. Oh the horror! The typo of extreme embarrassment! I hide my head in shame. HE told the story on Conan. HE did. Not I. Not me. Not… Oh take it back internet. Take it back!!!

  93. I still love that Beyonce is a girl’s name for a boy chicken. Reminds me of the weird vines some guy Jordan Burt is making: he has an….awkward…relationship with a female mannequin named Dennis.

  94. “Marie Antoinette and the Cobra” is a work of art; it is crying out for a short story of its possible history.

  95. Also, I wish your blog had a Like button for all your fan comments. Some of them are priceless. I’m still laughing at someone’s remark at their right to “bear arms.” This is old news, isn’t it. Ahem.

  96. I just recently acquired a giant cock of my own and am now the envy of all the ladies in my small town. I’m running a “name that cock” contest and the winner gets a bottle of my homemade booze. Based on the entries, there are some very strange women where I live.

  97. You almost wonder if that plumber left and wondered just what he saw. Or if he smoked too much beforehand. Also, tradesmen I know have dirty minds. Why wouldn’t they want to fix your giant cock? The welders I know would be more than happy to fix him for you but might weld him a new bit because they would be laughing so hard doing it.

  98. I have a bust of David wearing a Batman mask in my office. I totally grasp your situation and share your joy.

  100. You are my favorite blog to read. No matter how anxious I’m feeling, I can always count on you for a laugh. Thank you.

  101. In an ironic twist of fate, I had to call Lowes yesterday to see if they had any black caulk ………

  102. I just shared your Juanita Weasel with my coworker and she literally cried from laughing so hard. Thanks for writing these story so I could make that happen 🙂

  104. I may be focusing on the wrong thing here, but how many egg rolls is TOO MANY? I need to know. For a friend.

  106. The welder conversations could have been much worse. Imagine: “Beyonce lost a leg, and I want you to weld a new one on, since she’s just leaning on the steps now. Oh, and don’t worry — we removed the wasp’s nest from her stomach.”

    (Does Jay-Z know???)

  107. Wait a minute. This is actually VICTOR’S cock, if I recall. You gave it to him as a gift, right? So it is your HUSBAND’S cock that needs repair, not yours. And of course, if he can fix it, he should do it. Some things are better kept private (between you, Victor, and us), and Beyonce may be one of them.

    Please keep us posted. This is an issue with history. We need to know how it comes out.

  108. Have you moved to the other side of town, more central Texas, or deeper into the hearta Texas?

  110. My BFs best friend works for a welding shop. I’m going to have to ask him what his reply would have been.

  111. Beyonce stories are the best! I just spit out my drink reading this, lol.

  112. Have you looked into JB weld? That stuff is seriously awesome for metal repair. Like metal in a tube, well actually two tubes.

  115. Okay, so of all the things you post the thing that surprises me the most is Beyonce is a male. Seems dumb now, seeing as though it is a cock, but seriously I thought it was a her.

  116. You’re so awesome for donating to your local no kill shelter and the ASPCA. I mean, in addition to all the other reasons you’re awesome. Srsly.

  117. Why is it when you tell people you broke your cock they go to that naughty place? Bad people! lol.

  118. Where does a one legged waitress work? IHOP

    What’s her name? Eileen

    But what if she is oriental? Irene

    I know – so bad………..

  119. I can’t believe those places would hang up instead of welding your cock. Especially in this economy. Most people need all the work they can get… cock welding or not.

  120. LOL! too funny! but really, i don’t understand why people don’t want to fix a broken cock. there’s no fun in a broken cock. it’s only good when upright…

  122. I bet Beyonce let his leg get broken on purpose just so that you would have to make phone calls that sound vaguely obscene. He’s such a trickster that way.

  123. Please record Victor going in to ask for a welding thingie to fix his broken cock! Pretty please? oh, and in the interest of safety, he should probably ask for a demonstration …. And for protective eyewear, too. Wouldn’t want that thingie going off prematurely. You could put someone’s eye out.

  125. OMG – thank you for making me laugh out loud. I tried to hold it in because I’m at work, but just couldn’t do it. I can totally picture you on the phone having this conversation. And, the baffled look on your face when you are hung up on 🙂

  128. I’m so glad someone mentioned JB weld. I need it to fix my pussy. Yeah, he’s metal too and lost his tail in a tragic accident involving a vaccuum cleaner.

  130. Beyonce never fails to make me happy. I’d come introduce myself as your new neighbor if I lived next door to you because I’d have to be friends with someone who has a giant metal cock outside.

    Marie Antoinette and Rikki-Tikki-Tavi are also made of awesome and win.

  131. I’m skying with my 80 year old Dad tonight. I cannot wait to share some of this oh-so-bustin’-a-gut funny stuff. Seriously got me outta the funk I was in. Many thanks!

  134. I can just imagine being the receptionist picking up the phone.
    “Your… cock? You want hot fire next to your cock?”

  135. Jenny, seriously, I absolutely love you and I mean that in the best way possible.

  136. I hope you kept his leg, otherwise, I am kinda worried about what you would weld on in place on one. Although it would probably be too meta to weld a giant metal penis on instead of a leg.

  138. Someday you’re going to make one of those phone calls, and the person on the other end is going to ask, “is your name Jenny Lawson?” I can’t wait to read that blog entry.

  141. I can only imagine the looks on the faces of the folks on the receiving end of those “cock repair” calls! LMAO

  142. Why do I not own a welding business in Texas?! Oddly enough this is not the first time I’ve asked myself this.

  143. Jenny,

    We are hoping you are far enough away from West that you are intact.

    Physically, we mean.

    Because the other?

    I mean, c’mon.

    We read your book.

    So, you and your family all safe?

  146. Well, it’s probably better that your husband is handling your cock instead of a stranger… that can get weird. Also, you have a lot of stairs…

  147. One day, oh great Bloggess, I hope to be able to confuse people as well as you do. I am still but a novice, but I think I do pretty well most of the time! I worship at your altar of non-sequiteur.

  148. Hey, Jenny…my dog, Pearl, is missing a leg (actually, it’s her right ARM). Would you ask Victor to stop by & weld a new one on, for her?! Thanks, gyrlfriend…you guyz are awesome! ~?~

  152. It makes me happy to read your wacky posts. My sympathies on your broken cock. It’s never good to have a broken cock.

  155. You could come to Fort Collins, CO for a book promo – there’s a place just up the road toward Estes Park that has a bunch of giant metal cocks.

  156. But I am still wondering how the move went because last I heard, Beyonce had a few built-in bees to ward off burglars. I bet the movers loved that shit.

  158. it kinda looks like you’ve moved into an upscale joint? no? oh yeah, that’s right you live in Texas – like me, it’s either hot or it’s silly or it’s just Texas and the file for that is: deal with it. I am wondering if you have neighbors that are there but not present or neighbors that are present but not there. My neighbors are better than a c- movie, free, entertaining and almost always gone. Hope the weather is good for your weekend. thanks for posting/journaling/keeping me informed. . .

  159. You should really record some of these conversations for posterity so that the rest of us can live vicariously through the embarrassed and stunned pauses they create.

  160. Horrah for Beyonce’s triumphant (albeit wobbly) conquer of the back porch. Good luck to Victor with the welding. I hope you take pictures. It sounds like a good post in the making.

  163. I work at a technical school, and I have an entire welding shop at my disposal. Well, not really, since I’m not the instructor for that class, But I could pull some strings for you.

  164. First the jizz post, now the cock. What next?
    But while we are on the subject, my work had a potluck today and it was a multi-cultural theme. Wouldn’t ya know, the British manager brought spotted dick and pudding. Most of us had never heard of it and none if us had tasted it before. Obviously, we asked a lot of questions. Not only did we learn about eating dick, but we learned that no matter how innocent and professional you try to be, everything sounds dirty when you are talking about spotted dick.

  165. That sculpture is amazing. Dealing with weird looks from the occasional stranger in your home is totally worth having that!!

  168. ASPCA CAN actually earmark the donation for cock rescue:) The organization I work for assisted in game cock seizures with national orgs like the ASPCA… That’s right. Game.Cock.Seizures. You’re welcome.

  169. Did you buy a church or something?? The steps in the background of that pic are CRAZY wide. I ask because I’m pretty sure if you did buy a church, the welding wouldn’t be what set the house aflame. Exactly the same reason I forgo Christmas Eve church festivities.

  171. Don’t the welders recognize the urgency of a broken cock situation? Seriously. Customer service these days. Thank you for your awesomeness.

  173. You might want to hold onto that money until after Victor does the welding. WHO KNOWS what else might get broken/wounded/go up in a firey ball of death during that process?

  175. This post made me laugh so hard the tears ran down my leg! (And gave me an asthma attack – seriously. You are so funny you nearly killed me! I haven’t needed an inhaler since high school – good thing my daughter has one!)

  176. This is why I keep coming back to this blog. Even though I am old enough to be your mother, I still laugh out loud at you and your crazy way of looking at life. It’s fabulous! Thank you for the chuckles, giggles and guffaws!

  177. I really wanted to see Marie Antoinette’s picture! 😀 Awesome….and your minions are soooo cool!! Good luck with the welding to Victor…:)

  179. NO ONE is happy when your cock falls apart. Even missing one part ruins the look of the entire piece.

    If I had a dime for every time I’ve had to get a cock repaired because of a broken leg….

  180. Love the Marie Antoinette and snake!! My husband saw it and said the piece needed to be called “Let them eat snake.” You are awesome!

  181. Did you tell them that your cock’s name was Beyonce? Because if you did and they still hung up, then they are just being assholes.

  183. My daughter and I were both upset when Beyonce lost his leg, she came in to specifically tell me and I said to her at the same time “did you see Beyonce lost a leg!?”.

    I am sure that my partner thinks we are both cracked because when ever anything unexpected happens and we want to express our surprise both of us go “cluck cluck motherfucker” in honour of Victor.

    whom we are certain is the most patient understanding man on the planet.

  184. When I worked in an office supply store I had a very nice mortified man in whose boss had sent him. He was so embarrassed because he didn’t know the real name for what his boss wanted and he couldn’t find them wandering the store. It was “paper assholes” and he had to ask me! I knew just what he meant 🙂

  185. I hope your cock is standing straight again real soon, that your home does not go up in flames, & I love that you donated the money to the ASPCA.

  186. Ooh, Beyonce is making believe he’s a stork!

    I helped a friend with similar collecting proclivities to your own move and it was a hoot. The movers were particularly adorable. I heard one tell another, “I think we’re moving The Addams Family.” (he was not wrong) Another screamed horribly so that we all came running (except me, I continued backing up the 5,000th glass dragon), and I heard him say, “It’s okay, it wasn’t real.” He had put his hand in a vase and come out with a rubber cobra.

  188. I may not be a regular reader, but every time I do pop by your blog just cracks me up. Totally made my day.

    Thanks!

  190. Well aint Victor a keeper; agreeing to fix his wife’s giant metal cock.
    Not too many can claim their husbands would do the same…

  192. Marie Antoinette and Riki Tiki Tavi – that crime fighting duo. LET THEM EAT SNAKE ! [couldn’t resist]. But seriously, do you even shop in the same country I live in? WTF? [and that’s actually WHERE the fuck, do you find this stuff?]

  199. Beyonce!! Did you see that I found a giant metal chicken just like that? But by giant, I mean he’s like 10 feet tall… and I named him Jay-Z… but now I can’t buy him and I’m sad. 🙁

  200. I think Beyonce should have a wooden leg. Than she would need an eye patch.

    You have no idea how important you are to my day.

  202. Lol!!!

    On another note, ever heard of Polly Morgan?? Just watched a BBC documentary about her and her art, and thought of you immediately; if you get the chance, see it, it’s right up your street! Or go to her website, pollymorgan.co.uk – the front page is a warning voor people of a nervous disposition!!

  204. I also read this as you calling a “wedding place” and thought you were the one my husband told me about that cut off her husbands penis!

  206. You are the best – I can not imagine a day when I can’t visit your blog 🙂
    I just wish you were my neighbor!
    Keep on chugging along & smiling, you make so many people smile every day.

  207. That is seriously the most utterly awesome rendering of Marie Antoinette and her epic, and tumultuous, love-hate relationship with Rikki-Tikki-Tavi. (Or something epic, and tumultuous, maybe shocking and perhaps a bit disturbing.)
    Awesome. Simply awesome. And epic.

  211. Awww, Beyonce is now a Special Needs Cock. I hope you’re not making these calls to “fix” him within
    Earshot. He needs to know he’s loved and accepted just the way he is

  216. Reading this at my office when I should be doing something else, and dying laughing, and I can’t read it aloud or share it, because it is the office.

    By the way, we actually HAVE a chupacabra, which I wanted to tell you since reading your book reminded me of that term. People here don’t know what a chupa is. Which is totally sad. But I have one. He camos himself as a border collie mix and stalks down potted plants for ruthless destruction, as goats really aren’t available in the city where we live.

    And it is tragic that Beyonce lost a limb… maybe a chupacabra did it.

  217. Why does the strangest shit go missing with moves. I now have a flick board without the little round flick thingies. Furniture loses bits. My mind also loses more sane bits.

  220. O no! Just u just move to suburbia? U r so screwed. Suburbia is full of crazy people
    Who care about things like social connections, doily parties, and what Church you attend and not for the right reasons. I’m praying for you, sister. I went crazy in suburbia.

  221. I wish you lived next door to me! My brother can weld, he would fix Beyonce!

    I’ve been thinking of doing a bloggess inspired lunch, and I FINALLY did it.. Beyonce!!!

  222. I’ll bet if Kirsten Dunst was holding a snake with Rikki-Tikki-Tavi in her lap, that plumber wouldn’t have made a peep.

  224. Thank you for requesting the donation in ‘cocks’ name. I completely needed such a donation and expert advice a few years back. I was raising real, live chickens–and they acquired some horrific disease. I called every shelter ,vet, and animal society within 100 miles. Most of them laughed at me and it was frustrating-to say the least! My (now ex) husband and I had to take a machete to my entire flock out of–dear gods, I can’t watch them suffer anymore. I’d buried so many pets in my yard that we were out of room. We had to give them a half-assed Viking funeral in our burning barrel. It smelled like fried chicken.
    In any case, where can I get a Marie Antoinette? And if you can solder, you can weld.

  228. Poor Beyonce; there’s nothing worse when a loved one is hurt. BTW, ASPCA is the shelter in New York City; they have nothing to do with your local SPCA or other shelter of choice. All SPCA’s are autonomous.

  229. I wanted to post pictures of my pugs, but I guess I can’t as a comment? Darn…will you post a picture of your pug…please…I love pugs as much as cocks (only differently:)

  232. Okay, first this was hysterical and then Lucky Maria cracked me up in the comments.

  234. And now I cannot get the Riki Tiki Tavi song (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TY7Rxae4pjU) out of my head. If only there was some way that he and Marie Antoinette could start singing that song whenever someone walked into the room — now that would give the plumber something to be weirded out about.

    Riki Tiki Tavi mongoose is gone…

  235. I am finally getting to read your book!!! I couldn’t afford to buy it (sorry), so I had to wait on the library waiting list. I love it so far!!! I love the whole thing, but the conversations with Victor will always be my favorite. 🙂

  237. Antoinette is so BEAUTIFUL and looks quite playful with Rikki, although I do worry that the snake might bite her delicate wrist. And you are so AWESOME!!

  240. What if you’re judging the plumber before he has a chance to like, congratulate you on your epic stuff in a totally heartfelt way?

  241. Well, for realz, I called the Honeybaked store at Thanksgiving and asked the lady how “how are your hams holding out?”. Not really naughty, but I didn’t really hear that it sounded like a lame 7th grade joke until I said it. Anyhew, she said they were real, and they were spectacular. so, that’s nice.

  242. I used to work at the ASPCA Poison Control Center/HomeAgain hotline. Glad they helped you out!

  243. I think you should get B a wooden leg and eye patch. A metal pirate chicken would be pretty badass. And it could double as a security system. I don’t think and burglars would mess with a house with a pirate chicken on watch.

  244. hah “metal cock”

    I was at work trying to contain laughter. My c-workers and I decided we can’t read your blog while our boss is around. 🙂

  245. You make me smile EVERY SINGLE POST. I was having a not-so-great evening and this turned it around… thank you. If you’re ever on South Congress in Austin, please let me treat you to “Mrs. P’s Electric Cock” – I live around the corner from Mrs. P’s and think of Beyonce every time I pass: http://www.electriccock.com/

  247. I just realized that Beyonce looks vaguely familiar. It appears his (her?) mini me is in my living room. No. Really.

  248. Oh God – Will you please hire one of those generic Molly Maids cleaning services sometime so I can read about how you had to instruct them to dust around Marie Antoinette and Rikki-Tikki-Tavi and only use vinegar and water when cleaning Beyonce’s cock because it is very sensitive? You owe that to us all.

  250. Jenny! You read my comment and posted a picture of Marie Antoinette holding a magnificent piece of taxidermy, just like I asked! I can only assume that A) You posted it b/c you inexplicably love me as much as I love you (in a mostly non-stalkerish way); or B) You missed my comment but still felt the need to post the picture b/c you and I have some kind of crazy psychic connection. Either way, you’re my hero, and I’m saving this picture and making it my new wallpaper. Which will result in a fantastically elaborate explanation when my husband sees it (I imagine similar to the conversation we had when I proudly showed him the taxidermied pegasus picture as though it were my own brilliant creation) and might possibly end with him insisting I have a psych eval in the near future. But don’t worry– I know how to fool the doctors by now 😉 No one is taking my crazy away! Also, in the interests of not terrifying you, please realize that the vast majority of my seemingly insane ramblings are meant in a purely facetious light. But I do wish you lived next door to me b/c we would TOTALLY be BFFs forever! And in a slightly related topic, I’ve been wanting to start my own blog for awhile and woud LOVE to get a few tips from the best blogger ever. My collection of insane stories grows weekly, and I feel I’m depriving the world of hilarity by not sharing my perpetual clumsiness and almost unbelievably shitty luck 😉 Not to mention all my bizarre neuroses. Talking about it to casual aquaintances makes me seem weird and slightly scary, but somehow blogging turns it from a perceived threat into a glittery-rainbow-unicorn story that makes other people feel superior in their smug normalcy. That is my gift to the world. YOU’RE WELCOME.

  251. Okay, so I’m a little behind on my internet reading (I guess technically that makes me a tiny bit of an ass, but that’s another story) so I only just noticed this post and remembered something I wanted to tell you. So I’m at a drugstore in Raleigh, NC recently (it was either a Riteaid or a CVS) and they had a rather unique version of your Beyonce. They only had one. Basically envision Beyonce at about a foot and a half or so tall, only instead of a belly it had a small FAN. It was sooooo “cool,” only I thought $40 was a little steep for a metal chicken with a fan for a belly and I could never figure out a room in my house where the colors would look good so I decided not to get it and I’ve been regretting it ever since.

  253. Good tidings to the patron saint of saving my daily sanity. I recently learned that we actually have a wonderful organization in my local area called “save the cocks”. Their website is savethecocks.com.

    Just saying – maybe Beyonce could be their mascot – or rock star – or whatever.

  254. Jenny i love your blog and love even more that you donate to the no kill shelter!

  255. I really like that this was the post on my birthday. (PS – I’m @VenusRockHobbit)

  256. I think Beyoncé should sue his sculptor for negligence. But, come to think of it… I guess he doesn’t have a leg to stand on.

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Last high school dance.
Yesterday I was telling my friends that I have to take Hailey to the Blossom Culp stadium for graduation practice and they looked at me weird bc apparently it’s the “Blossom stadium” and I’ve been saying it wrong for years and I just realized that Blossom Culp was the heroine of Richard Peck book series I loved when I was little and had forgotten existed until now.
When the roles are reversed and your child tells you to go to sleep and then records you for their TikTok.
My pancake is sticking its tongue out at me and now it’s too human to eat.

ALL THE COOL KIDS ADVERTISE HERE:

I fucking love these people & not just because they support my wine-slushee habit:

Flourish in Progress: (T)hug Life: Part hood. Part good.

Pregnancy Calendar at Alpha Mom: Amalah’s week-by-week guide to the miracle of pregnancy and all the various indignities that come with it.

The Mack Files: Digesting life in bite-sized pieces through the lens of clichés, quotes & “truisms”.  Often irreverent, always honest.

Barking at the Moon: If your dog is your furry child, you will laugh out loud at Tracy Beckerman’s book about her family & a one-dog wrecking ball named Riley.

Game Night Kit: All-in-one classic card game kits make the perfect gift, but you’ll want them for yourself, too! Lets skip book club tonight, drink wine & play games instead ~time together is magic!

Kieran’s Humor: Not suitable for children, the sensitive or those hoping to get into heaven.

Coolest American Stories 2023: If you want a book of unputdownable, unpretentious, full-length short stories, we got ya covered. Our 2022 volume went to a 3rd printing; readers are singing this volume’s praises, too.

Go Doc Yourself Podcast: When a good doc ends, the klatch begins… Join hosts, scientists, and friends, Erin McCourt and Erin McCartt in weekly documentary dissection.

Perfectionist Anonymous: Proudly serving unpolished working motherhood, with bipolar depression and hilarity on the side.

Active Voice Productions  made a cool little movie with a role they wanted The Bloggess for but instead got Bonnie Hunt. Seriously. That’s what happened.

Scaredy Cat Travels: Traveling the world with the worst carry-on anxiety.

Welcome to xanaru: A mostly funny blog about the quest for happiness through authenticity, Great Danes and indiscriminate swearing. Plus hand-painted, custom artwork on bags, jackets, backpacks & more.

Quantum Possum: an inclusive, neurodivergence-affirming graphic novel taking readers on a wacky & frequently sidetracked adventure through Cosmic Bog, helping creatures in need and including everyone in the fun.

The Second: Colleen Burns Durda’s candid memoir about a suburban mom with a side hustle-she’s The Second Coming. Laugh, cry and learn how she copes with her bipolar diagnosis.

How the Hell Did I Not Know That?: Humorist Lucie Frost shares daily Instagram reels with learnings of the day—words, music, whatever–with plenty of laughs and all the curse words.

The Family Skeptical Podcast: We’re an atheist couple raising two children – we ask big questions, dissect weird parenting moments, and are jealous that our cats get so much sleep.

Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh: Just read it. Trust me.

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