I’m sensing a theme. A really weird theme.

An actual screenshot of the news as personally recommended to me:

No. Really. I can't even make this shit up.

I also got a spam comment at almost exactly the same time.  At least, I hope it was a spam comment.

Wait. That's not true, is it?

My first thought was “Why is the ‘c’ capitalized?” And then I thought, “Holy shit, why is THAT the first problem I have with that sentence?”

I probably need to get away from the internet for awhile.

************

And in other news, it’s time for the weekly wrap-up:

What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

This week’s wrap-up is sponsored by Denise Malloy, blogger and author of A Real Mother: Stumbling Through Motherhood, a hilarious, light-hearted book which has been named to Kirkus Reviews’ Best of 2012.   And you can get it on kindle for 99 cents.  You can’t even get a coffee for 99 cents, y’all.  Best deal ever.

97 thoughts on “I’m sensing a theme. A really weird theme.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. My spam never wants to increase anything. It only asks me to provide my bank info so I can be rich fast. That’s boring.

  2. No fair! My spam comments are rude and not in the least bit helpful. They’re certainly not trying to Cure anything. I’m assuming that we capitalize Cure now.

  3. You get much more interesting spam than I do! I don’t know whether to be jealous or happy about that fact.

  4. My spam is always someone trying to tell me they have money for me. But the steps to get it are always really complicated, and I’m pretty lazy…

  5. Wait, when is women preferring bigger penises a news flash of science? The very unscientific Cosmo has been boasting that for YEARS. Please don’t tell me that I have entered a parallel universe in which Cosmo is on the cutting edge of science. If so, we are all fucked.

  6. My spam is usually trying to sell me some sort of animal, which I find unsettling and tempting at the same time.

  7. I really wanted to leave a witty comment but I am at a complete loss. My brain is seriously preoccupied with HOW exactly the goose womb cures premature ejaculation. Do you have to eat it? Wear it? I don’t even.

  8. The capitalized “c” was my first problem, as well. But I’m an editor, so I claim professional immunity on that one. 🙂

  9. ROFLMFAO!!! Thanks so much for that glimpse of how dinner is at your house. I cried from laughing so much. Made my night, and here I was feeling bitter, depressed, and sorry for myself.

  10. After my initial embarrassment of ‘OMG. That says “CSA” – everyone in the world is going to think the CSA does nothing but put videos of Commander Hatfield doing weird stuff in space’ but then I thought it was a very cool experiment and he truly is a fantastic ambassador for Canada, the CSA and space programmes everywhere…

    As for the the video of dinners eaten by animals, I owe my step brother an apology. He shared it on FB and I thought “No wonder he’s not married.” thinking it was some weird porno thing… But it wasn’t and it was funny… So I learned something about him (PS, he’s 38, single, okay looking as far as brothers are concerned, doesn’t live in anyone’s basement, moderately successful and my step mom really wants more grandchildren – if interested…)

    Thanks for sharing, Jenny! Very funny stuff this week!

  11. Okay, the cloth wringing thing? Is by far the coolest and awesomest thing I have seen in a long damn time!! Right after that bit of information that your spam is providing you. It really couldn’t Harm to know about these things right?
    Yes. Harm. you read that right.

  12. My spam is constantly wanting to increase my penis size or to help me love my women better. My spam really does not seem to understand that I am a straight woman or am I in denial?

  13. I hate spam…. it’s everywhere, all around us. Thankfully there is stuff like “how animals eat” to make me hate the world a little less.

  14. Canada always wants to best us in everything. Of course, it’s only THEIR geese who have wombs with a miraculous Cure. What I want to know is what one must do with the womb to elicit the Cure in the first place…

  15. Hello! I love your blog and your book, but this is my first time commenting on your page. I was just looking at possible mother’s day gifts on Etsy and stumbled upon this lil gem of a store that I thought you would enjoy:
    http://www.etsy.com/shop/taxidermyjim?ref=seller_info
    You probably already know about it, but I definitely thought of you when I saw his product. Especially this http://img0.etsystatic.com/008/0/6613286/il_fullxfull.404452208_phgh.jpg

    Enjoy!

  16. Trying to remember if I have EVER thought about a goose womb before. Obviously this has already been a highly educational experience for me.

  17. I’m with Laura way up there. Yay for the comments, but they stuck their own URL on the picture. That’s not even close to being right and I kinda want to smack someone over there for it.

    I’m going to go watch more space videos now to calm down. Thank you for adding those to my day. 🙂

  18. Throwing shit off surfaces is my kitty’s favorite game. We load up his cat tree with crap every night so when we go to sleep, he’s got hours and hours of knocking shit off it. Woohoo!

  19. At least, they are not trying to tell you how much money you could make by providing Canadian geese to people with limp dicks…because most of my junk mail is about people trying to sell me money making systems, and it is only a matter of time before I receive that particular email.

  20. Definitely love the new shirt and will be treating myself to it as soon as the last paper is written next week. Because that’s a reason to celebrate, right? And also just because I think the shirt is awesome!!! Love your way of thinking!!
    As for Spam and News… I constantly get stuff like that and would always like to respond: What about the lesbians??? What about us? Can I now enlarge my fingers?? Although come to think of it that might look weird… and it’s probably pretty inconvenient. Ah well. (Note: And do Women also prefer larger fingers? I would like them to cite their sources, too. Being difficult again.)

    Entirely different matter: I feel like depression is in the air. Am I imagining things? I’m sure there’s a panic button somewhere for an evil man (because man are always evil, right…) to press and make people depressed.

  21. It was my daughter’s school who posed the question about wringing out the cloth in outer space and there was a huge assembly to have Chris Hadfield beamed into their school to do the experiment (which was recorded and shown in the link above) live for them. So if we were going via the 7 degrees thing–> me, my kid, her school, Chris Hadfield, your blog, you… I KNOW YOU! Can I come over for lunch?

  22. I just read the Canadian goose comment to my husband. He says “Canadian goose WOUNDS do that?” “No, sweetie, Canadian goose WOMBS.” “Oh, yes, that makes much more sense.” I am concerned.

  23. Oh, and by the way; me, my kid, her school, and Chris Hadfield. We’re all Canadian. And I just wanted to add that no geese were harmed in the making of that video.

  24. I would hope that seeing a goose womb would prevent premature ejaculation. Unless goose vaginas are your kink. Then I guess they would probably exacerbate the problem. I’m sure the fine people at canadiangoosebajingos.com have that all figured out.

  25. Umm, sadly I can take it a step further and admit I am also bothered by the fact that there is no such animal as a Canadian Goose. It’s a Canada Goose. My proofreading brain hurts a lot when I’m online …
    I like the theory that they are actually referring the The Cure! But it doesn’t really work out in function. 😉

  26. I don’t know how you run across such interesting bits on the Internet, but How Animals Eat Their Food was hilarious. I wonder how many takes they had to do for the second guy to keep a mostly straight face?

  27. That beaver (?) in the little boat that Christa posted a link to (comment 29) has all kinds of relevant jokes that would go well with a side of goose womb.

  28. I was going to suggest that maybe they meant the band, but Brook beat me to it, darn it!

    My spam assumes that I want to meet hot, single women in my area and that I want a larger penis. No geese wombs have ever been mentioned, though. I feel slighted.

  29. My Spam used to be aggressively filthy, talking about penis enlargements and stuff like that all the time.

    Now I get spam for Credit reports and other boring stuff. You think they’ve realized my wife has settled?

  30. Aren’t Canada Geese actually protected from hunters? Maybe the womb comes with, say, a live goose attached to it. That might settle things down in the bedroom.

    Also, knowing Jenny’s inventory and following the etsy link Christa posted [#29], I will say I am a little concerned about the squirrel population. Where the hell are all these dead squirrels coming from? Other than the fact that squirrels are aquatic, the only thing I know about them is I can’t keep them off my bird feeder.

  31. I saw that same news headline on the big screen in the waiting room of our local ER the other day! Shocked the hell out of another woman sitting there. Her reaction was funnier than the fact that they did a study on whether penis size matters.

  32. I was so confused when I read that sentence because of capital C made me think of the band The Cure and the entire thing just became a jumble of words for me. I seriously had to read it like three times before I understood it. Internet break sounds good…

  33. My Gmail account does a pretty good job at filtering spam, so I almost never get any. And the occasional one that does make it through is nowhere near as interesting as the ones you get.

  34. My most recent spam straight out insulted the layout of my blog and then told me it could do better if I went to a website titled Soundgate Promotion. I don’t see how car stereo equipment can help me. I just checked out your uncredited photo, and it looks like all your fans have credited you and advertised the hell out of you in the comments section. Nice to feel loved.

  35. re: Wringing out a wet wash cloth in space

    I can see wide ranging applications for this in the spa/moisturizing/facial biz. I bet there would be more funding for space exploration if more women like the Kardashians or The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills could see this. (Especially since they act like they have more money than NASA! ha!)

  36. It is STATIONERY. You keep spelling it wrong. Stationary is not moving, stationery is shit you write on.

    (#1 peeve, absolutely seriously. It is maddening to me. I have a fairly boring life, yes.)

    (But if the stationery is just sitting there it’s technically stationary, right? EVERYONE WINS. ~ Jenny)

  37. The “c” being capitalized would be the first thing to bother me, too. It’s spam, so I would expect the content to be mildly ridiculous, at minimum.

  38. stationery. unless your cards are not moveable, then they would be stationary stationery. sorry, pet peeve! 🙂

  39. As I am sitting in the living room, laughing loudly over How Animals Eat Their Food, my son yells downstairs “Are you watching How Animals Eat THeir Food”? No shit. My kid is totally one step ahead of me….

  40. I think I have been following you too long because the capital c is the first thing I noticed also 🙂

  41. If it’s any consolation, the “C” thing was my first thought, too! I think I might be a nerd.

  42. Where are you getting spam? I must be safely wrapped in google’s embrace because I can’t remember the last piece of spam I’ve gotten. Much less penis-related spam (the best kind, right?)

  43. The first problem I had with the sentence is Canadian goose…which of course could be any goose who lives in, or was originally from Canada. Does this mean that to Cure premature ejaculation I must go kidnap a goose from Canada or ask a local goose if they are originally from Canada? Or is this nincompoop, who likes to throws random capital letters around like dollar bills at a strip joint, actually referring to specific kind of goose “Branta canadensis” or Canada goose, which is not necessarily Canadian.

  44. In regards to “Women Prefer Larger Penises”. Yes, because how else would we have the excuse to make fun of guys who expose themselves to us, giving us the reason to say “Dang! That looks almost like a penis except MUCH smaller!” or, “So, is your nickname Needle Dick the Bug F*cker?”

  45. Thanks for bringing joy into my life! 😀 Love your writing and the stuff you find to post from the interwebs. 🙂

  46. *resisting the urge to google canadian goose wombs* and, sadly, this is pure curiousity. (which in the end killed the cat.)

  47. THANK YOU FOR GIVING ME THAT CAT GIF

    And chill. I had to read it 3 times before I got how creepy it was, on account of being thrown by the weird capital.

  48. My first thought – What do they have to do with the goose wombs? All sorts of random and scary weird imagines later I noticed the capital C before returning to goose wombs and deciding that trying to find out on the Internet would be such a BAD idea so I will wonder for the rest of my life….well, I won’t but you can bet it will pop up randomly in my brain or in conversation when I am very very drunk!

  49. Your spam is a lot more interesting than mine. My spam is still trying to convince me I’m a man and that my problems are either that I can’t get it up, it needs to be longer, or that my premature ejaculation issues are now skyrocketing through the roof and needs to be dealt with.

  50. Candian Goose wombs are a rare delicacy where I come from. Add some pepper, spicy mustard and a cold beer and you have some thing really special, or really gross. All depends on your perspective now doesn’t it.

  51. My spam mail consists of Adriana sending me 3-6 emails. Per day. She wants me to visit her web cam (because I make her really hot); “like” her on her private Facebook page, which she just unlocked for ME only; watch a video that is guaranteed to loosen the thighs of every woman; and contact her, because she is WAITING for me.

    Girl seriously needs to get a job or something. She has too much time on her hands.

  52. Sweet! While I was forgetting you had a blog (sorry, you’re awesome, as everybody knows… you even have tees that say so!) you went out and got a store too? MOST excellent! So glad to find your blog again. Congrats on the move!

  53. There is nothing wrong with checking the grammar before you digest the sentence. I was also hung up on the c in Cure, and THEN stopped to think about the meaning of the sentence.

    Kinda like, “single guYs: make any, girl, want to #@! you!?” A real and unfortunate spam message currently in my email. It’s so screwed up I’m pretty sure the sender added the question mark on just to acknowledge the fact that he doesn’t even know what he’s saying.

  54. 1) Chloe is absolutely right, “Canada” Geese.

    2) I am a pedant.

    3) Thanks for the washcloth video. Chris Hadfield is the coolest guy in the universe as far as I’m concerned. Singing songs and doing science education, while *commanding* the ISS.

  55. Ohhhhh so very glad Fru from ‘Adventures of a silly silly girl’ recommended this blog on her blog. So very funny! I think I hurt myself laughing. Kinda liked it. Feeling my inner weirdo relax and stop pretending to be a straight laced mumma. Gold. Keep on!!!!

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