Do they even *have* pheasants on the Jersey Shore?

in Random Crap

You know when you’re antique shopping with your husband and you pick up a dead animal and shove it around the corner of the booth while yelling a really well known meme, but then you’re met with silence and you start to think that maybe your husband just needs to get on the internet more often, and then you poke your head around the corner and turns out your husband is in the bathroom and instead you’re talking to an elderly lady who is very confused that a dead pheasant just threatened her?

I hate it when that happens.

Related:  I did not buy the pheasant because I spent all my money on a beaver-skin top hat, and the old man ringing me up was all, “Nice beaver” and I was like “Surely you must be joking” and he was all, “No, I’m totally serious.  This is good beaver.”  And then I screamed “MY HUMOR IS WASTED IN THIS PLACE” and the cashier looked a bit confused and Victor reminded me that not everyone gets every pop-culture reference ever made, and then I was all, “I don’t want to live on this planet anymore.”

In brighter news, I got a beaver-skin hat for under $40 and I feel confident that at least half of you have wasted your life enough to get all of the references in this post.

Someone get me an eye tattoo and an ahkh necklace.

287 thoughts on “Do they even *have* pheasants on the Jersey Shore?”

Read comments below or add one.

  1. You are so adorable. The top hat is smashing. Congrats for leaving the pheasant.

  5. Woman, you are aaaall kinds of badass and hilarious.

    That is all.

    WAIT! ‘Cept for the part where I’m probably the only person who has yet to purchase your book. I KNOW, right?! Note to self: rectify this posthaste.

  7. I love shouting random meme’s at people! It’s made me realize that a lot of people need to get on the internet more!

  10. you look smashing in that hat! I can’t wear hats because it looks like a beaver died on my head. or a badger. or possibly a weasel. something died.

  12. I got every single reference. People on the Internet are awesome-er than real life people. So says I. *tips hat*

  13. That is indeed some superlative beaver you have there.

    I was extremely happy on Friday afternoon when I was standing in the checkout line behind a woman buying two cantaloupes and two watermelons, and I got to say, “Nice melons” to her and she cracked up. My husband died a thousand deaths. He’s a lot like Victor that way.

  15. Okay, I got the references to Airplane and Jersey Shore. Am I missing any?

    (There are two more. Still, you get a B+. ~ Jenny)

  16. I really wish I had the “fowl” taxidermied bird my cousin stuffed years ago. It was the front half of a pheasant and the back half of a duck. He called it a stuffed phuck.

  18. Wow…I got every single one of those references…and yeah, that’s a great beaver!

  19. Gods, I totally got every reference. And yeah, even the eye tat & ankh because I adore that little goth chick.

  20. Awww! Look how cute you are in that hat! What a kick ass picture. And, yes, it’s annoying when people don’t understand double entendres. Thankfully the rest of us do!

  22. Thank you for leaving the pheasant for me!!! I would especially like one that yells at old ladies…and tourists…. 🙂

  25. You may count me in the half that gets your references. Thanks for making them.

  27. What’s a meme, exactly?

    You have a beautiful smile and very straight teeth! Never mind…

  28. “Nice beaver!”
    “Thank you, I just had it stuffed.”
    -Leslie Neilson and Priscilla Presley in The Naked Gun

  29. I just laughed so hard when I scrolled down and read Come at me Bro! that a co-worker called me from the other side of the building and asked what I was laughing at…that picture of you in the top hat is stunning, by the by, incredibly classic and just weird enough to be you.

  30. You’re so Steampunk in that hat! (And he’s right. You’ve got a VERY nice looking beaver there.) 🙂

  31. That beaver should have been advertised “a beaver so big you can fit your head in it”

  34. In some communities it’s frowned upon to post a picture of your beaver on the internet. But yours looks so lovely.

  35. Knock-knock mother fucker is one of my regular go-to memes to use in public. It’s like a secret code meme. Anyone who gets it knows of Beyonce’ and is an instant friend of mine.

  37. Also- how many people shop in places where the person ringing you up knows the difference between good beaver and bad beaver? Kudos to that old man!

  38. omg i chaperoned a school field trip to the zoo and there were these big ass birds doing the same thing – wings out, right up against the fence, and i tried to get a pic so i could “come at me bro” it and put that shit on my wall but then the group moved on and i had to herd a bunch of kids to the next pen and i missed it.

  40. You look just like Death. Nice one. 😀 I’m sure Neil will be impressed.

    (I so love you. ~ Jenny)

  41. Why is it when you say “I didn’t buy….” I immediately want to buy it for you. BUY ALL THE THINGS!!!

  42. the college I went to/live near has the beavers for its mascot AND NOBODY EVER MAKES JOKES ABOUT IT. not even when talking about the women sports teams. Go Lady Beavers! I refused to purchase a shirt that said BEAVER PRIDE. although I probably should have so that I could wear it ironically or sarcastically or whatever-ally.

  43. OMG… I got ALL the references – and I’m in my 40’s!

    Does that make me a hipster oldster? 😉

  46. I just sat for a really bad exam…and I have another one coming up in a day…so no Jenny, I’m not going to be tested here as well!!

  48. I get all your references. I feel your pain because mine, too, go over most people’s heads.

  49. A shopkeeper has never told me I have nice beaver. Antique shops are very risque in Texas.

  50. Aw man, yes. I feel like by being able to fully enjoy this, perhaps that portion of my life has now not been wasted. What a paradox. Paradox? Conundrum? I don’t know.

    Whatever it is, it’s cool.

  52. I love that top hat. And you in it. I also love the pheasant, though I’m not sure about his habit of threatening old ladies – I feel like maybe you have enough going on in life without that kind of attitude…. I hope he gets a good home though, because even threatening pheasants are people too, you know.

  54. My headache went away IMMEDIATELY upon seeing the beaver hat. Was it you . . . or the hat? Either way, a pheasant surprise.

  56. A) Nice Beaver! And I’m not just saying that. I’m sure you get that all the time though. B) How do you pronounce “meme”? Seriously? I have a small vapor lock panic attack everytime I realize I’ve started a story that should require me to use that word and I have no idea how the rest of the world is pronouncing it. Is it “meem” like “cream”? Or maybe “me – me”? Or maybe “Meh-meh”?

    (I pronounce it so it rhymes with “cream” but I also mispronounce wikipedia, so I’m probably not the best person to ask. ~ Jenny)

  59. Thank goodness for my sister and brother-in-law – my husband doesn’t get any of my interwebs jokes and neither do our parents. Or any of my husband’s siblings. It like those people were raised by wolves or something.

    Actually, that would be really cool.

  60. I have my grandmother’s beaver muff…and I’m not even kidding. It is really beautiful, and I can’t get rid of it. But I can’t find the right event in Houston to bring out the beaver muff. No matter how nice it is. What if someone asks what it is? “I love your muff.” “Thanks, it’s beaver.” silence

  62. I’m in my fifties and I got all four references.

    I don’t know what that says about me.

  63. Not many women can pull off wearing their beaver on their head without looking ridiculous… you madam, are one of them.

    “That’s a very nice hat you’re wearing, and I don’t mean that in an Eddie Haskell kind of way.”

  64. “Nice beaver!”… that so reminds me of The Naked Gun.

    Well, at least you don’t spend half your public life making comments such as, “That’s what she said!” every time you hear someone say something even remotely suggestive…

  73. Before I got to the picture, I was imagining a Daniel Boone-style beaver hat. But yours is much more versatile!

  75. This weekend when making a killer Electric Slide reference my partner swore he has never heard/heard of/seen The Electric Slide. I played 4 hours of YouTube videos just to make sure and he swears it was the first he knew it existed…

  77. Nice Beaver – did you just have it stuffed?

    And don’t call me Shirley.

  79. Is it a lead-free beaver hat?
    If so, and it is won’t make you mad-as-a-hatter, don’t ever take it off. It is SO you!

  83. Ha, that’s awesome on so many levels. And you would make a totally cute Dream! Maybe for Halloween this year??

  84. I may be the only person reading this who identifies completely with Victor. My wife once held an entire conversation with me in the voice of a coozie (sp?) cup holder while we were packing our kitchen to move. I was both amused and bemused.

  85. Hilarious. I am also disappointed when the general public do not understand my humor. At least I think I’m funny, and that’s really all that matters.

  86. Okay I think I got it covered:
    1)Jersey Shore
    2)Leslie Nielsen
    3)Futurama
    4) Sandman

    Please tell me I got it all covered so I can go study in peace? :p

    (YOU WIN THE INTERNETS. ~ Jenny)

  87. I am a new fan who recently read your book. I already adore you and loved your book. It was so funny that my husband demanded I read it aloud to him because he wanted in on all the jokes. He is way better at pop culture refrences than I am. Love the hat!!!

  90. That’s awesome. Yes, I do know the feeling of doing something ridiculous in a public place for your husband only to realize he’s nowhere around. What’s worse is when he IS around but is so embarrassed he pretends he doesn’t know you. When that happens, my job is done lol.

  95. The right answer was “Why, thank you. I just had it stuffed.” You’re not playing it right.

  100. That’s a fancy fightin’ pheasant right there.

    I’m trying to convince my husband that we need to go to wherever this place is: http://austin.craigslist.org/sgd/3788837950.html

    He likes the idea, but reminds me that we’re lacking money. I am pretty sure we can’t possibly be so lacking in money that we would be unable to acquire an armadillo holding a beer bottle.

  101. You get what everyone gets. You get a lifetime.

    Great hat. Suits you. I’m impressed at your find!

    (Seriously one of my favorite quotes ever. ~ Jenny)

  103. So, you’d rather spend your money on beaver than cock? Hmmm… We’re learning more about you all the time! 😉

  104. So I totally read the titles as “Do they even have peasants on the Jersey Shore?” and was confused until I went back to the top and re-read the title.

  105. Great. Hat! Obviously the correct response would have been “I’m not joking, and don’t call me Shirley.” *sigh* some people just don’t get it.

  106. I guess It Would Be Pushing It To AsK If They Had Any Skinned Muffs…

  107. A very nice beaver hat indeed! Perhaps you could lend it to O’shaunsey while the search continues for the perfect Bob cat hat.

    Amy*

  108. I’m sad for anyone who just doesn’t get it… over spring break we were leaving Houston to head back home and had stopped just a little bit out of the city for donuts and as we were pulling back on the highway, I noticed the store next door had a Beyonce for sale in front and I said to my husband, “Oh my gosh, there’s Beyonce!” and he just gave me a blank stare and was unimpressed when I tried to explain it to him. He would fit right in at the antique mall. Le sigh.

  110. First, I think that’s a wonderful photo of you. Really. Secondly, I think the pheasant looks more embarrassed than threatening, kind of like he just stepped in manure. I feel for this pheasant.

  112. That beaver hat is EXACTLY the right size for your head. I would try to get witty, but I just had to point that out and I don’t want the complement to get lost in my attempt.

  113. I don’t know of any day so wretched that it cannot be improved by the addition of a top hat, particularly a top hat constructed from the pelt of a large, nocturnal, semi-aquatic rodent.

  114. You look so happy in this photo it makes me wonder about a travelling top hat.

    To answer reader questions —
    –“meme” is pronounced to rhyme with “cream”.
    –Its origins are actually scientific — Richard Dawson coined it to discuss how ideas can propagate across culture in a similar way to how genes can propagate throughout a population.
    –Its current pop-culture meaning is for the infinite variations on a joke that make it ever more funny, until it suddenly stops being funny at all.

    See en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Richard_Dawkins?, en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Meme? , or YourOwnInternetSearch(TM).
    http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=meme

    Now I’m having flashbacks to my college days…. history of science, and a part time job at the library’s reference desk.

  118. YOu know- if everyone totally understood your humor then you wouldn’t have any more of these wonderful moments to share with us!
    BTW- nice beaver 😉

  119. I’m not sure what I like more about this post…the fact you were running around with a pheasant or that you confused an old lady you mistook for your husband! CLASSIC!

  121. I can relate. 99% of my pop culture references and jokes go over the heads of my loved ones and friends. As my fiancée said after reading one of my comics: “Congratulations. You’ve made a joke five people will get.”

  122. Yes. I saw a billboard for a big, giant gas stationy-marketish store this weekend.

    It’s mascot (I guess that’s what you’d call it) is a beaver. Uh, huh.

    Billboard said: Dreaming of beavers all day.

    I am still dying. Still.

  123. Just the other day, my 5 1/2 YO daughter and I were debating whether or not beavers ATE the trees or merely chewed on them. She thought that it would be a good learning opportunity and that she’d ask her grampy to help her find out. I suggested they google “beaver.” Then I decided that’s probably not a good idea to google.

  124. Someone suggested this blog to me, but the fact you were between buying two things made of dead animals put me off it. It’s sad because your writing is hilarious (yes I did get all the references), but I can’t stand that.

    (Not a problem. It’s not for everyone. ~ Jenny)

  125. 1) You look gorgeous in the hat. Not everyone can look good in a top hat.
    2) Thanks to MaryHS for verifying the pronunciation of “meme”. I’ve wondered.
    3) I think the pheasant looks more startled than threatening.
    4) I thought I was pop-culture savvy, but I missed 2 references. Sigh.

  128. I concur with the multitude of posts…this is one of your best photos ever. Simply beautiful! I guess a little beaver does a body good??

  131. While reading this post out loud to my husband I said “you know when you’re antique husband shopping…” Oops. He was not as amused as I, mostly because his goatee now has grey hairs showing up. Snicker.

  134. My husband doesn’t get my pop culture references either. He says I spend too much time with college students. But then, my job involves student supervision at a local university, so I’m not sure what his complaint means…
    For the record, I got your references. I would have been laughing hysterically with you. 🙂

  136. OTOH – my husband does know who Beyonce the chicken is now and often points them out with a “Oh look, there’s Beyonce – you should buy her for your sister”. Notice that he doesn’t want Beyonce in OUR yard.

  137. When your down and don’t know where to go, go where fashion sits- put it on the Ritz. Except here ‘Ritz’ clearly means ‘beaver hat.’ clearly.

  139. Early on in my writing career, I had an editing internship for a big sports writing website. Their style guide provided for acknowledging the source of a lead via a “hat tip” BUT they wouldn’t let the writers spell out “hat tip.” Instead they preferred: h/t.

    I figure if you are acknowledging someone (saying thank you) you should take the time to spell it out! I prefer the full Monty, hat-tip wise: “And a tip of my hat to . . . ” And now, I will picture your photo whenever I write that!

  140. I should have known better than to read this at work. I nearly imploded from trying to not laugh out loud.

  141. I’m 22, and I don;t get half of the world’s pop culture references…. At least I don’t know where they came from… My boyfriend is sorely disappointed by this… He’ll throw out movie lines and then turn to me and go “What movie?” And I’m all… “Uhhhh… I don’t know.”

    However I did get 3/4 of your references, so I’m going to guess I’m not a complete failure… I hope.

  143. You know what would go really well with that top hat? A beautiful red ballgown! 🙂 You should do another photoshoot.

  149. But isn’t part of the funny of saying ridiculously filthy things the people that don’t get them? I couldn’t stop snickering when my brother was talking about helping my grandmother’s box. (That was wretched, even for me.)

  150. Shoot, I didn’t get any of the references. Heck, I’m not even sure what a meme is. Which I guess should make me feel good about not having wasted my life but it makes me think I need to get out more or watch more TV or spend more time on the computer or something, so I can be part of the club that gets these things. Maybe you can publish a reference key and I can just study up on it.

  151. I’m sure that beaver hat will keep your head very warm. Who knew they could make hats out of vaginas?

  152. Brook (comment #41) – you must be the proud owner of a Brass Rat? 😉 (I worked at MIT for 11 years…) Either that, or some other school also recognizes the value of beavers as engineers??

    Plus? I’m having a Cabaret moment looking at the wonderful hat pic, Jenny (is that one of the references, btw??)

  154. I had no idea “Come at me, bro” was from Jersey Shore because I’ve never watched it. I prefer to lose my brain cells by drinking beer or hitting my head with things. You missed an opportunity to tell the cashier to “Shut up and take your money!”, though. And don’t call me Shirley.

  155. I had a comment all worked out but then I got distracted eavesdropping on other comments–how do you spell Wikipedia?

    Also, I remember my original comment–that photo is super adorable and if you were at all considering updating your iconic Bloggess picture, this one should be a top contender.

  158. Shall we call you “Winona” now? It looks like a big brown beaver to me….

  161. I have an English beaver. Hat. I also have the original box it was sold in in 1898.

    2 comments: 1) Beaver is very durable. B) People in the 19th century had really small heads.

  162. That pheasant looks like somebody just “goosed” him. I’m glad you got the beaver instead. There are lots more uses for a beaver than for a pheasant.

  163. Love the Hat!!! Love the comments!!!! Surely there must be a way to introduce people to thier lack of humor and word knowledge! Perhaps should start at class or at the very least add a section to your blog with regards to word knowledge and fun word association! It’s like my new fav.. Dickish!!! It applies to many people! Love the hat, I think it would make a great accessory for you when you enter your Zombie phase! Also can be your very own personal “stabby” alert and only get stabby when wearing your Beaver Top Hat! Poor Victor he probably does not even realize how much fun he has with all his clothes on!!!!! MY HATS OFF TO YOU!!!

  165. I love you…in an I admire your witty banter kind of way, not an I’m going to stalk you now kind of way…

  166. While I don’t think there are pheasants ont he Jersey Shore (I mean, I never saw one. Oh yeah, and I hate those people the show is about. But that is a rant for another day), I’m sure there are probably pheasants in New Jersey.

    I definitely think you need an Ankh and and eye tattoo. And that’s the thing I immediately thought of when I saw your beaver, before I got to the bottom of the post, other than “I hope the inside of it is clean”.

  168. Were you referencing Claire Daine’s when she wrote about death?

    She wears a top hat for fun, her ankh necklace for power, and carries a big black umbrella for traveling to the “sunless lands.”

  169. We need to get that beaver to get to a hospital!

    A hospital? What is it?

    It’s a big building with doctors in it, but that’s not important right now.

  174. Well, my comment is moot now, because I thought it was a rooster and I was going to say, “You don’t F*CK” with the rooster!” in reference to David Sedaris’ brother, Paul. BTW, you were compared to DS in the Chron today. I do have room in my heart for both of you. No need to push to the front of the line.

  175. Thanks to you I can now take pride in the extent to which I have wasted my life on the internet. Well played, sir.

  176. You look top of the trees in that hat, also, the “beaver envy” comment cracked me up. I’m so immature!:P

  179. That was a killer deal on the beaver. I’ve seen them go for $80. And that was a deal. So clearly, you now have a cheap beaver.

  182. My son’s high school mascot is the beaver. I truly think the whole school and alumni is so embarassed they don’t even make beaver jokes any more. What were they thinking?

  186. Every time I read your comments section, I think it should be set up with “like” buttons.
    My first thought reading this was in line with #76 Alyson – Did your nice beaver come with a nice box?

    And don’t call me Shirley.

  187. Beaver pelts used to be treated with a solution containing mercury which poisoned the milliner and could drive them mad, hence the expression mad as a hatter. The next time you say something wildly inappropriate, tell them your beaver made you do it.

  189. My HS mascot was a beaver. And yes, for a couple of years I wore the costume and heard a lot of jokes (not very creative, it was high school after all). Some people still refer to me as ‘Beav’, which might be embarrassing if I hadn ‘t used up my full quota of shame when I was DRESSED AS A GIANT BEAVER–in seasonal beaver attire, no less.

  190. That is truly a fantastic tophat! I hate to say it but it does seem like the more logical choice than a dead pheasant…unless you could make that into a hat, that would be awesome!

  192. Sacrificing half one’s time in your name is a worthwhile cause, Jenny…
    And by the way, that is a great beaver, babe.

  193. Yes, we have pheasants in Jersey. They’re usually not as pale as the one in your pic, and use a lot more product in their feathers. A little texturizer, little highlights, some lowlights, you know, to bring out the orange in their fake-n-bake.

  198. Do you feel like Abe Lincoln now? His hat was also beaver. You learn shit like that when you live in Illinois. Also the Lincoln Museum in Springfield, IL has one of his beaver top hats on display. It looks a lot like yours only taller. They also have the gloves he had in his pocket that night at the theater. They’re slightly pinkish.

  199. You realize you will have to shave that hat or be marginalized as dated.

  200. You are one of the most beautiful and inspiring I have ever read about. I just love how fearless, in spite of the fears and insecureties you’ve got, you are! I myself suffer from bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, anxiety disorder and ocd. I have really found a breathing place and a place to laugh on your blog and your book (I have’nt finished reading it yet))

    I really want to meet you so if you’re ever in Sweden, give me a messenge or give me a call!

  201. Ah! I LOVE that hat! My husband tried to buy me one just like it at a local antique store for my nursing school graduation, but instead of the $100 price tag the man said it cost $500. Heartbroken! Enjoy your wonderful find!

  203. Your beaver looks amazingly good. I hesitate on the grounds of good taste and the possibility of offensiveness to suggest that it would look even better if you were dressed, but I do believe that such is in fact the case.

    But seriously and all innuendo aside, that’s a great hat and it looks terrific on you. I think that may just be the best photo of you I’ve ever seen.

  206. Well how ’bout that.
    I never even knew I wanted a beaver top hat.

  208. I love the branch and wheat. They really make that pheasant look all natural and almost alive, just very slow.

  212. After reading this post, I feel like buying a full body condom, clothes-lining people while running hand-in-hand with my husband down the beach, killing people with boredom as I describe my drinking problem and asking: “What’s our vector Victor?”
    PS – I also speak Jive.

  213. Back-researching two of these ultimately led me to a Robert Downey Jr. gif that made my day.

    Thank you.

    And God bless the Interwebz.

  214. I’m pretty sure you don’t need to be super pop culture-y to get that beaver comment. You were right – totally wasted humor…. until you shared it with us 🙂

  215. I thought you would look more like Daniel Boon.

    But then I realized he wore a raccoon cap instead of a beaver cap.

    Then I wondered when you would you wear one and when would you wear the other?

    Protecting the Alamo — Raccoon cap.

    Dining with your publisher — Beaver cap.

    Which makes total sense on levels that I shan’t go into here.

  216. I must say what a nice beaver you have there! I stumbled upon your blog and you have a zany type of humor I find quite amusing. Thanks for the chuckle.

  220. Great pic! You look radiant (in a non-radioactive sense)!

  222. My hubs is not on the internet very often, so I find myself making the reference, then when the blank look inevitably comes, I have to search to find the source so he can understand.

    This also inevitably kills the joke, as finding out what a joke means after is just a big bag of awkward forced laughs. ERHMAHGERRD AAAKWERDD.

  223. OMG FINALLY!!! I have been waiting to tell you about my beaver since forever! Her name is Aunt Bea, and she has place of honor in my den, and was a wedding gift many moons ago from my sick and twisted college friends. A repairman recently noted, “Lady, your beaver is kinda dusty”. Sad, but true. My kids are mortified when I tell people that I have a huge beaver, and that just adds to the wonderfulness of it all. Aunt Bea is usually dressed for the season, and recently relinquished her Easter bonnet and replaced it with a fedora and sunglasses. She’s feelin’ kinda funky. The best part of all? MY BEAVER CAN TELL TIME! Yup, we bought a new clock at Wallyworld, and my husband somehow managed to rig up a collar and hung the clock from Aunt Bea’s neck. My son said we should rename her Furry Flav. Just let me know and I would be happy to send you a picture of my beaver!!!!!! (wish I had a dollar for every time I had said THAT over the years…)

  224. Hubs doesn’t understand any internet or pop culture reference, aside from anything from The Warriors (which is really a crappy version of West Side Story, right?). It can be very awkward at times.

  225. I honestly don’t feel like I’ve missed anything important by not watching The Jersey Shore. Nice beaver though 😉

  227. In that hat you look like Fred Astaire about to marry Ginger Rogers….

    (If it’s been years since you watched Astaire and Cyd Charisse do “Dancing In The Dark,” it would be the perfect thing to watch on a deathbed….”

  228. I know exactly what you’re talking about (I’ve spoken to all too many strangers as if they were the love of my life), and your humor is NEVER wasted.

  230. Beaver is a thing in the US, isn’t it? Not here in the UK. When we talk Beaver we don’t usually have to point to anything on our personage. As you were.

  232. I live in NJ, and in answer to a question in one of the comments, I can confirm that there are peasants at the Jersey Shore. Pheasants? That I’ve never seen at the shore.

  233. And to go on a different vector, Victor could get a glittery gown and you can be reverse Fred and Ginger!

    (pun above intended)

  235. It’s funny. Whenever I log on my work computer in the morning, I check to see if you have a new blog. And then I remember, hey, she’s strange, maybe I should check after 2pm to make sure she’s had her beauty rest (or nightmarish dreams, whichever is your thing).

  236. I don’t get the beaver one, but then I don’t watch television. Some sort of Dr. Who reference? I’m assuming it’s Whovian, since I have a vague notion that top hats are involved with that show. Or at least they should be.

  237. We have pheasants on the West coast. In fact, my wife is a very pleasant mother pheasant plucker.

  238. 1. My daughter loves to say, “Come at me, Bro” to show me how gangster she is.
    2. When I was in my 20’s and newly married, my husband and I resided at the Beaver Hill Trailer Park in Walthourville, GA. True story.
    3. Wayward gangster daughter took a summer class at the South Beaver School. She was very upset that they had fake grass. Which is understandable…who wouldn’t be upset by a Southern Beaver wtih fake grass? Except maybe a Kardashian or Jenna Jamison.

  239. A best-selling author has to choose between a dead pheasant and a beaver-skin hat? Proof that authors don’t make enough. The humanity!!

  241. If I had any disposable income I would purchase the pheasant and send it to you, for the single reason that it would go to a good home. But the hat rocks on you.

  242. I missed all the references except the beaver, but this?

    And then I screamed “MY HUMOR IS WASTED IN THIS PLACE”

    made it all worth while.

  243. And don’t call me Shirley seems the only appropriate response.

    Also, in terms of keeping horrible pop culture alive – I just wanted to tell you (both) good luck. We are all counting on you.

    (Rinse and repeat.)

  245. Love the hat – is it a beaver hat or a hat on a beaver or a beaver’s hat? Does it matter? Poor beaver…

  246. I think your beaver looks great, and I got all the references you made in this post, which clearly means I’m sophisticated and worldly. Duh.

    And that photo should be the cover of your next book.

    P.S. I’m a little disappointed this post had no reference to Jenkins. I felt like it was a perfect opportunity to bring up that bitchin’ bird. I still love you, because you talked about beavers though.

  247. Today I woke up to find someone from Finland had hijacked my Amex account and then I had to go to the tax office at the courthouse twice because I brought the wrong divorce decree so I could finally get the title to my 110,000 mile suburban that my kids call “Oprah” (because they say it is big and brown and full of crap) in my name…not a good day until I saw this. It’s all that stands between me going postal at my “Seussical” rehearsal (watch out Horton!) or getting blasted on dirty martinis…thank you for saving an elephants life…

  248. Jenny I just have to know where you shop. the guys who work with me desperately a sense of humor. Apparently mine is just too “strange”.

  249. once upon a time, while still in my teens, my parents took me to a flea market. there was a reptile booth set up and i made a beeline for it. my dad followed in my general direction and after a few minutes we were separated. my dad ended up walking up to someone he *thought* was me and in his best beavis from beavis and butthead voice said “HEH, HOW ‘BOUT AN IGUANA BABE?”. the girl’s mother looked pretty scared. probably because my dad was 300+ lbs and a total biker. arm tattoos, beard/mustache. sleeves cut off of shirt and cut-off shorts.

  250. You look adorable! I like the hat; you can incorporate it into a Steampunk outfit one day. A pair of goggles & you’re set!

  253. It’s funny and sort of bad that certain words are morphed into other meanings. I cringe every time I have to say the name Dick ( my Uncle’s name) “Hey Uncle Dick!” Always hated it. I also cringe every time I have to reference the number 69.

  254. I have an ankh necklace if you’d like to borrow it!! I also have an ankh tattoo, but I don’t think that’ll do you any good. 🙂 LOVE the hat!!!

  256. I got both of your references… I once did something very similar with a stuffed Winne the Pooh bear and old Chinese man in Disney World. I think he was more scared than confused, as he threw up in hands in fright… my fiance and I ran before Disney ninja police could investigate.

    You look beautiful with your new hat– maybe wear it to your kid’s next school function? Hehe

  259. Please stop buying dead animals and wearing them. That is extremely weird and maybe even worse than eating them.

  262. In dietary law
    In the 17th century, based on a question raised by the Bishop of Quebec, the Roman Catholic Church ruled that the beaver was a fish (beaver flesh was a part of the indigenous peoples’ diet, prior to the Europeans’ arrival) for purposes of dietary law. Therefore, the general prohibition on the consumption of meat on Fridays during Lent did not apply to beaver meat.[59][60][61] The legal basis for the decision probably rests with the Summa Theologica of Thomas Aquinas, which bases animal classification as much on habit as anatomy.[62] This is similar to the Church’s classification of the capybara, another semi-aquatic rodent.[63]

    This fact was relayed to me by a colleague. Which prompted me to very loudly yell – who would want to eat beaver? I thought for sure someone had set me up. Until I look at him and he is deadly serious. He then sends the link to the Wikipedia article and writes in the subject line: there is a nice picture of a wet beaver in this article. 1 year later and I am still dying of laughter over this conversation.

  263. If you offer free beaver rides some might be disappointed that they won’t get to put a saddle on a furry buck toothed animal and ride him around the lake

  265. (1) I pronounce meme “m-eh-m” (like Maine with an m at the end rather than an n). And even now with the comment explaining how to correctly pronounce it, I shall not, because my brain gets stuck and refuses to recompute.

    (2) the commentor who criticized you for wearing dead animals confuses me. I mean everyone is entitled to their opinion, but after reading the comment, all I could think was ” but if it was a live beaver she was wearing as a hat on her head, then it’s all good?”. Though in fairness, a live beaver on anyone’s head pretty much wins all things everywhere.

  266. Love the hat and this is a beautiful picture of you!! you look ready to dance in an old-time musical!

  267. Elaine, nobody likes a scold.

    (see what I mean?)

    If you respect the dignity of all things, then respect the loving sacrifice of an animal that has given up its body for pure, or impure, comedy. Don’t let it go to waste. Not even if it’s an alligator belt.

  268. @Jess,

    The Warriors is not a crappy version of West Side Story (which is a crappy version of Romeo and Juliet, in which Juliet wusses out on her half of the suicide pact). It is an awesome version of Xenophon’s Anabasis. No, really.

  270. Love your beaver. (I never thought I’d type that in this lifetime.) Also, I wanted to let you know that you aren’t the first wife to buy her husband an anniversary chicken. (although Beyonce is bigger and more impressive than our Fred.) Twenty years ago, I found a 4 foot, chainsaw-carved rooster at the local antique mall. It was perfect for my husband’s 10 year anniversary gift. The Beyonce chapter was read aloud to my husband amid our snorts of laughter. This year he’s totally getting towels… Thanks for your book and this blog. My hubby and I have found our tribe.

  272. I actually have an ankh neclace I got back in the 80’s at a weird oddities knd of vintage store that has a tiny little coke spoon on the long end. Sounds perfect & totally legit for your needs.
    Also, you should totally go back and get the pheasant..what were you thinking?!! How could you leave him behind? Don’t you know he’s been sitting there moping this whole time thinking, “Why wasn’t I cool enough to make the cut?”. Poor sad pheasant… 🙁

  273. So most of the time your purchases scare the living crap out of me, but this one is utterly FANTASTIC!! And I have never been more jealous of you than right now!!! Mainly because I love top hats, (no really, if they fit my head I’d wear one everyday of my life. And I’d demand that my boyfriend wear one too)

  274. I’m still traumatized by finding out about castoreum. You know, that “natural raspberry flavoring” that is actually made from beaver anal sacs? And apparently SHOWS UP IN ICED TEA?

    This is why America/ the world needs the Bloggess. Because there are people putting beaver butt in innocent people’s iced tea, and nobody can articulate how very wrong that is like Ms. Lawson.

  275. Look, if he doesn’t know a good beaver from a good beaver…he’s already been punished enough.

  278. The man in the store is right in that it is a very nice beaver. However, just in case it ever comes up in conversation (Hey — with a hat like that, it just might!) he was probably wrong about the skin part. Beaver hats aren’t made from the whole pelt but they take all the fur off and make the fur into felt. Does it feel like felt or like leather? (Then it really would be skin.)

  282. You are so frickin’ beautiful! And I almost did a spit take over my head movie of the pheasant saying “come at me, bro” to an elderly lady. As always, you are fan-fucking-tastic!

  283. Hey Jen, I can get you a free Pheasant if you want….its actually only the skin, and has been in our basement for at least 8 years that I know of. It’s kinda funny looking since it lacks innards, but I figure that adds value for you. You could stuff it…not sure what with. Anyway, as long as you give it a good home and get it out of my basement, I’m happy (not sure what the boyfriend will say). Also I could potentially throw in delivery if you’d like, as my sister lives in Austin. Just let me know (take it pleasepleasepleaseplease). I can send pics too

  285. I REGULARLY shout, “That chicken’s got a SHIV!” when I’m out shopping and people so rarely get it that it depresses me. Really, on both parts. xoxo

  287. OMG you so would look like sandman’s sis! Only shorter hair, but you nailed the face expression…. Now wait a minute… are you her?… Silently tip toes away

Leave a Reply

MY BOOKS:


shop

Subscribe to the bloggess, y'all.

Enter your email address and receive notifications of new posts by email. It's like I'm stalking you, but more efficient.

Archives

MY INSTAGRAM

Instagram makes suggested reels based on old content and I assume most people have beautiful vacation photos or wedding compilations, but this is what they suggested for me.
Sitting in ihop after graduation and “who’s gonna drive you home” comes over the sound system and now I’m lightly weeping into my pancakes but I’M FINE.
Remember last week when Hailey graduated from kindergarten?
Last high school dance.

ALL THE COOL KIDS ADVERTISE HERE:

I fucking love these people & not just because they support my wine-slushee habit:

Flourish in Progress: (T)hug Life: Part hood. Part good.

Pregnancy Calendar at Alpha Mom: Amalah’s week-by-week guide to the miracle of pregnancy and all the various indignities that come with it.

The Mack Files: Digesting life in bite-sized pieces through the lens of clichés, quotes & “truisms”.  Often irreverent, always honest.

Barking at the Moon: If your dog is your furry child, you will laugh out loud at Tracy Beckerman’s book about her family & a one-dog wrecking ball named Riley.

Game Night Kit: All-in-one classic card game kits make the perfect gift, but you’ll want them for yourself, too! Lets skip book club tonight, drink wine & play games instead ~time together is magic!

Kieran’s Humor: Not suitable for children, the sensitive or those hoping to get into heaven.

Coolest American Stories 2023: If you want a book of unputdownable, unpretentious, full-length short stories, we got ya covered. Our 2022 volume went to a 3rd printing; readers are singing this volume’s praises, too.

Go Doc Yourself Podcast: When a good doc ends, the klatch begins… Join hosts, scientists, and friends, Erin McCourt and Erin McCartt in weekly documentary dissection.

Perfectionist Anonymous: Proudly serving unpolished working motherhood, with bipolar depression and hilarity on the side.

Active Voice Productions  made a cool little movie with a role they wanted The Bloggess for but instead got Bonnie Hunt. Seriously. That’s what happened.

Scaredy Cat Travels: Traveling the world with the worst carry-on anxiety.

Welcome to xanaru: A mostly funny blog about the quest for happiness through authenticity, Great Danes and indiscriminate swearing. Plus hand-painted, custom artwork on bags, jackets, backpacks & more.

The Second: Colleen Burns Durda’s candid memoir about a suburban mom with a side hustle-she’s The Second Coming. Laugh, cry and learn how she copes with her bipolar diagnosis.

How the Hell Did I Not Know That?: Humorist Lucie Frost shares daily Instagram reels with learnings of the day—words, music, whatever–with plenty of laughs and all the curse words.

The Family Skeptical Podcast: We’re an atheist couple raising two children – we ask big questions, dissect weird parenting moments, and are jealous that our cats get so much sleep.

Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh: Just read it. Trust me.

%d bloggers like this: