Me and the internet

This cat = me trying to actually get work done.

This weasel = my brain trying to destroy me:

Me:  I have work to do.

Weasel: You should check the internet because  remember yesterday when that one person on the internet was wrong and it made you so mad, but not actually mad enough to register to leave a comment.  Go see if someone else left a comment calling them out.

me:  No.  I don’t care.

Weasel:  LIAR.  And check your blog because there might be a secret comment from Doctor Who asking you to go time-traveling with him.

me:  That’s not...possible.

weasel:  You hesitated.  You totally think it’s possible.  Quick – check twitter.

me: No.

weasel:  Just once.  And check your replies.  And check that girl you hate.  And check that girl you want to be more like. And check that girl who used to be on that show who’s totally crazy now and is posting insane shit that you can’t look away from.

me:  No.  I don’t remember her name.

Weasel:  Then IMDB her.  And then IMDB all the Anchorman quotes.  And then go look up all the trivia on the Mythbusters site.  And then go see if you were right about how many times the Vulcan mind-meld was used in the last movie.

me:  I already know it was two.

Weasel:  Victor says you’re wrong.

me:  UGH.  Fine.  I’ll just look that one thing up, but then we work.


Weasel:  And those are all the ways in which you can die in a Disney park.  Now let’s wikipedia the most unusual ways to die ever.

me:  NO.  I HAVE REAL WORK TO DO AND I HAVE TO-oh my God, someone died from being smothered in cloaks?  Is that for real?



Weasel:  What if someone just found a Sasquatch?  Quick – check the news.

me:  STOP IT.

Weasel:  Checking the news is mature.  It is immature to not keep a news website up all the time to keep up with breaking news.  WHAT IF THERE IS A FIRE MADE OF OGRES?

me:  You have a point.  Sort of.

Weasel:  Breaking news.  Someone called Kim Kardashian fat.  See if you think she looks fat.


Weasel:  You should probably see if their show is on netflix.  That seems like a big pop culture reference you probably need to know about.

me:  NO.  NO MORE TV.

Weasel:  Knowing pop culture is part of your job.  Just bookmark it for later.

me:  FINE.

Weasel:  Ooh!  There’s a new “Bob’s Burgers”!  If you don’t watch it it will go off the air and it will be all your fault and then it’s “Arrested Development” all over again.  Just leave it running in another window while you work.

me:  No.

Weasle:  It’ll be one thing you can check off your to do list.

me:  FINE.  But I’m only doing it while I answer emails.

Weasel:  Your computer just froze.  You can’t run that many things at once.  Go watch regular TV and eat a bunch of cake with your hands.

me:  No.  This is a sign that I need to stop watching tv on my computer.  WORK, DAMMIT.

Weasel:  You sound stressed.  You totally need cake.


Weasel:  You should get some cake.   Can you order cakes like you order pizza? Is that a thing?

me:  I have no idea.  But it should totally be a thing.



me:  What am I doing?  I don’t even know how to cook.

Weasel:  I think it’s called “baking” when you do it with flour.

me:  I’m pretty sure it’s called “cooking” no matter what.

Weasel:  You should look it up on the internet.  Hey, did you know it’s 3am?

me:  I hate you so much.


320 thoughts on “Me and the internet

Read comments below or add one.

  1. What? You pooped in the refrigerator? And you ate the whole… wheel of cheese? How’d you do that? Heck, I’m not even mad; that’s amazing. How ’bout we get you in your p.j.’s and we hit the hay.

  2. This is exactly what’s happening to me right now. I have a to-do pile the size of my house and I just can’t bring myself to do it because 1) my brain hates me and 2) cats keep doing funny things.

  3. The internet is this generation’s apple in the garden of eden.
    Eve “I have work to do”
    Serpent “Okay but just have a little bite of this internet first. Gid will never know.”
    Eve “Okay… OMG Adam you have to see this hilarious video!”
    Serpent “MWAHAHAHAHA!”

  4. Sometimes the Internet makes me want to go all Into the Wild and shit… you know… fall off the grid…hike out into the middle of nowhere…live on an abandoned bus… eat poisonous berries and die a horrible, pain-filled death. Then I remember I have notifications available on my Facebook.

  5. In graduate school, we called that Mr. Spinny Brain but usually Mr. Spinny Brain just doesn’t want us to sleep. But yes, if you substitute “Grey’s Anatomy/Big Bang Theory/Psych blooper reels” and “royal families everywhere” in there, you have my “work day.” Who thought it was a good idea for me to have a job where I can work from anywhere 70% of the time?

  6. That’s the story of how I end up here. Every time.
    Weasel: Oh, you’re waiting for someone to answer the phone. Check facebook.
    Weasel: While you’re waiting for that report to execute, you should check twitter.
    Weasel: Now that you’ve submitted a bug report, you should reward yourself by clicking on Jenny’s link.

    Damn lovable weasel.

  7. Now I feel much better that my brain at work is saying “go see if The Bloggess has posted anything new” while saying “go eat a bunch of cake with your hands.”

  8. This is totally me! I always get side tracked and end up doing something random like searching for bunnies with pancakes on their head or seeing what my long lost, haven’t spoken to in years friend is doing… Ugh.


  10. Aaaaand I just read this while I was supposed to be doing something else… in real life, not even on a computer. I honestly don’t even know how I ended up on my computer or why there’s 5 tabs open on my browser…

  11. I was wondering where you were. Now I know that you are like me and spend productive time doing other shit. If I were geographically closer I would bake you my famous triple chocolate cake and bring it to you warm from the oven. Back to work so I can actually accomplish some work today.

  12. Oh dear lord. This….this needs illustration so much. Can we page Allie Brosh? If we say her name 3 times maybe she’ll appear and draw this. THIS NEEDS TO BE A DRAWN THING.

    Allie Brosh

  13. For the love of God, whatever you do, do *not* check to see if there is a new “Scandals of Classic Hollywood” posted.

  14. Never knew my OCD-driven bipolar disorder could go by the much cooler name , “Weasel Brain”. Love it!

  15. It COULD be a fire made of ogres! The Weasel is right! (Is the weasel in question Juanita? I so adore her…)

  16. I’ve had days like this. Editing and words do not happen when the internets interrupt them. Although, your voices are probably more entertaining than my are. The only voice in my head is a 1927 gangster who is hating me because of all the shit I’ve decided to put him through because the ending of the novel is boring. Damn. I sound crazy.

  17. Weaselbotomies may some day be a real procedure! Keep the faith and know you’re not alone. Just imagine all of the awesome search phrases people like me use to accidentally stumble upon your blog in a Google search. You have to have some real gems (giving you something new to look at in your struggle).

  18. “Weasel: You sound stressed. You totally need cake.
    Weasel: You should get some cake. Can you order cakes like you order pizza? Is that a thing?
    me: I have no idea. But it should totally be a thing.

    Thanks for that I was already distracted and scatter brained enough today but now all I can think about is cake…and cake delivery methods. There goes my Wednesday, damn weasel.

  19. Yeah… I have yet to fall down the rabbit hole of TV Tropes (I avoid it like the plague), but pretty much every other time-suck on the internet knows me. If I got Dx’d with ADD would they prescribe anything good? ‘Cause I just dose myself with coffee and pretend it’s Ritalin.

  20. OMG! The story of my life.. I had a therapist who once told me to keep a notebook by my bedside to write down my thoughts.. Really? I would have been up ALL NIGHT!

  21. Well – as I’m looking at your blog when I’m supposed to be writing a story for the newspaper on extending gas mileage, I guess I understand what you are going through.

    And dessert delivery should totally be a thing. Except I would probably spend too much money ordering cupcakes with extra icing. Or maybe hold the cupcake. Just give me icing.

  22. Sounds just about right! Though really, I would totally order from your cake website, that is brilliant! Allons-y!

  23. Isn’t it also weird that the internet can absorb SO MUCH time when you have other stuff you need to get done, but as soon as you have no pressing deadlines, there is suddenly nothing interesting on the web?

  24. You are going to hear this all day – your brain is a work of art. And ordering cake like pizza? Nailed it! I totally need this in my neighborhood. Because when we want something sweet we end up at the grocery store for *only* cake and milk, and we end up with sushi, BBQ chicken, sides, cookies, two kids of cake, and three boxes of cereal. This happened last night. It was $100.

  25. Sometimes I can’t decide if you’re spying on me, Jenny Lawson, or if we really are that much alike. Except on my list there’s that whole “oh, you have reports to do? You should check if the Bloggess has posted something new instead.”

  26. annnddd my husband wonders why I can never leave work on time. (cuz I gotta check one more thing on the internet, silly!)

  27. Which is totally why I rush around for the last 20 minutes at my paying job, finishing up the things I didn’t do while I was watching a video of a cat playing with a weasel.

  28. GOD I LOVE THIS. please stop me from reading all your posts I have missed on my vacation…………..FIVE HOURS LATER……………………….

  29. All I ever need is to accidentally click a link to, and it’s bye-bye productivity (do not visit that site of you value your time – this is your official warning).

  30. Love this. LOVE IT!

    I’m risking being seen by coworkers here, but I’m actually … errrr … uh … working right now. But I had to check Facebook just once in case there was something awesome in my feed. AND THERE WAS!!!! This post is AWESOME! And it was totally worth the delay in my work. 🙂 Thanks!!! You rock as always!

  31. Never ever ever register for Stumbleupon. I check all my other random internet stuff THEN end up there and then the internet just eats me. It’s bad. But so so good. Wow. That last part was NOT meant to sound dirty.

  32. That cat is insane due to the hellacious and relentless traffic noise pouring into his apartment. Any cat with his shit together would have killed the fucking vermin on sight. So go to a quiet room and eat your brain weasel. Let me know if I can be of further assistance. I’m available for life coaching, as long as it involves cats.

  33. Bloggess, meet Monkey Brain! No, really. It’s a Buddhist thing. Although not Buddhist, I have a full colony of adolescent gibbons cavorting in my head. 🙂

  34. On a scale of 1 to 10, how bad is it that I read this post and watched the video while actually at work? At least my coworkers didn’t hear me laughing uncontrollably and come over to see if I’m ok like they usually do. Wait – do they actually want me to not be ok because they like the view from my desk better?!? I wonder what Wikipedia says about the best ways to exact revenge on one’s coworkers…will report back.

  35. I want a cake delivery service. Then when they do make one I’ll really need it because I’ll be too fat to get out the door anymore so then I’ll NEED those cakes delivered. It’s like a self perpetuating business plan.

  36. Dana (#47) I KNOW, RIGHT?

    People ask me all the time what I’m thinking about. I usually lie. Because honestly- IT’S BETTER FOR EVERYONE THAT WAY.

  37. HAHAHA! “Go watch regular TV and eat a bunch of cake with your hands.” I laughed out loud. Substitute “hands” with “face” and you’re on!

  38. And this, is how I end up here… and there. And over there too. When did I get this glass of wine? OH! Cake!! Yum. Pinterest has soooo many pretties… That one! Oh! Oh! That one I could totally maybe do… Wait. School’s out already? Damn kid needs to eat. But… WINE and The Bloggess… and those cats! Sure, order pizza. Mommy’s *working*

  39. In college we could order milkshakes with cereal toppings and have them delivered to the dorms. I thought that was awesome but cake delivery?? Pure genius!!

  40. I NEED you to know how much I love you! I NEED IT! I have conversations with myself on a FOOD BLOG for fuck’s sake. If you and your weasel are still functioning then I know I’ll (we’ll) be OK too.

  41. Me: Jenny, dear- How is it you have spent so much time browsing the internet and do not have 3-2-1 cake waiting for you?

    Weasel: Now you have to look up 3-2-1 cake. Really, you should. Microwaveable cake in 1 minute. OMG!

  42. And how many of us just went and plugged “IWANTSOMECAKELIKEYESTERDAY.COM” into our browser to see if the weasel really won?
    I know I did.

  43. Today I blame your site for not calling and arranging payment for my medical bills. Cause now I gotta go look up weasels, cats on youtube, and figure out how to get some chocolate cake delivered to me. And then youtube some Nathan Fillion videos, cause that’s always a good thing to do.
    Dammit Jennie. Today was the day I was gonna accomplish something!

  44. I was going to post a comment but then my brain wondered how many days until the new Doctor Who and I had to go figure it out.

    185, by the way.

  45. I quit trying to fight the voices a long time ago. I just do what they say and it makes my life so much easier. And hey, if you get that cake thing up and running, I want to know cause, yeah, it’s CAKE!

  46. Yeah? Well I got a package in the mail. I was excited at first when I got a box because I thought it was your book, and then bummed it wasn’t your book, and then excited all over again because I totally forgot I ordered my favorite candy (satellite Wafers). So I ate and ate and ate until I was sick. Then I laid down and screamed at the kids to give me a break mommy is sick from eating too much candy, learn from me children… Then I started feeling better so I got up and started being a productive member of this family again, munching on candy. Eating and eating and eating. My brain is like, “Did this just make you sick? Like you can stop now. And why are you still on Facebook? Nobody is even posting anything new since you were here 2 minutes ago?” and I’m like, “I just can’t stop. Candy. Facebook. Candy. Facebook. This will be my hell.”

  47. This is me, almost all the time, when trying to work at my desk. This is why I need to spend more time in court, not in the courthouse library!!

  48. Now I am jealous because my boring brain takes me on the following internet journey:
    Local News site.
    Repeat. Endlessly. I need an internet intervention because I’m pretty sure I’m the worse interneter ever.

    We could trade off some every once in awhile.

  49. I love you in a totally creepy, stalkerish way. And I mean that in the least creepy way possible.

    That’s what my brain is a little like, sometimes, occasionally. Right now it’s trying to crawl out of the maw of depression lined with 3 weeks of snot and aching joints because I’m SICK, I can’t take (the good kind of) METH.

    *hackcoughhork* I’m like a freakin’ cat. Hacking up wads of stuff no one wants to see, but I call them to look anyhow, sleeping any time I possibly can and acting like work? Child taking care of? Whatever do you mean…what CHILD? That came from me? My child? Surely you jest.

    Meanwhile, my 13 year old watches Bleach and Pokemon and hopes I don’t remember she needs to do 4 sections in math today. Hell, she’ll be lucky to make it to swim club.

  50. This is my brain, too, and my husband says I don’t do anything … BUT I know that all calico cats are female unless they have a wacky XXY chromosome combo, but they they are sterile anyway AND that’s because of the internet and it may someday save my life.

  51. This feels a little too timely. Yesterday I got distracted disproving a Facebook post on and ended up reading all the ways you can die at a Disney Theme Park. It’s like we’re mind-twins.

  52. I work from home full-time as a freelance translator and this is me
    Candy Crush Saga on Facebook is my crack.

    I hop from one website to another, play “just one more game” of Candy crush, until I have so much work piled up in my inbox that my brain goes “OMG-OMG-OMG you’re never gonna get it all done in time! ADRENALINE RUSH!!!” and then I do all the work in a mad rush.

    To be productive, I need to be two inches away from a deadline.

  53. This is the story of pretty much anyone who tries to work on their computer with the Internet on. Made for a hilarious read though. There have been days (*cough* nights…) when I’ve been on the computer trying to get something done, but end up watching one funny video after another on YouTube. You should be glad you don’t play FarmVille or the likes. That’d eat up another 3-4 hours out of your ahem.. Busy schedule. 😛

  54. yet oddly – when I’m home on weekends…. AWAY from work… these things don’t happen….. just a work… I have a work weasel too

  55. OMG, this! I’m meant to be packing for our pending move to Korea and instead…well, The Bloggess might have posted. And now I must check Facebook since I’m online anyway. And oh, yeah, check email to see if anyone responded to my Craigslist ad. And…

  56. If it’s any consolation, think of all the hours people spend reading your site when we they should be working. Think of it as payback. Sort of.

    I worked out that someone reading through my site wastes an average of 4 hours. And the total number of hours wasted by visitors to my site is somewhere around 40,000. It’s nice to know I’ve made an impact. 😀

  57. Everything that everybody else said AND I totally want that rug in the video. I read all the comments here … Am I really the only one who wants that rug?

  58. Far too accurate. Is it sad that I totally empathise with Homer Simpson’s relationship with his brain? Like I live it in reverse?
    I think I just said I had a tiny Homer Simpson living in my brain.


  59. …and now I know what scaphism is. 🙁 PEOPLE: do not click on that ‘most unusual ways to die ever’ link.

    this reminds me of a tweet i once saw that said ‘the internet. it’s like a bear trap for your face.’

  60. Damn, I ate all of my cake last night! I do bake and need to make another. The weasel is telling me all the time to check twitter, Facebook, words with friends, Pinterest!!!

  61. um, thanks for the wiki link? it’s so much more interesting than work!

  62. OMG! A plane crashed last year in the Congo when someone smuggled a live crocodile and it got loose from the crocodile purse *I imagine* it was smuggled in and all the passengers ran to the front of the plane and it became unbalanced and crashed. THIS IS LIKE MY WORST FEAR EVER!!!!

    It’s like someone on wikipedia knew me and my strange fear of crocodiles and planes crashing and made this up knowing I would eventually find this section of wikipedia and read it and have an immediate panic attack!


    I think that my life has been ruined by this post Jenny!

  63. This too is my problem, but I save all my internet searching till I go to this job, to work for some MAN who gets all the money I help him make while he sits there (probably googling shit about cars or boobs), and in return he gives me a TINY piece of the pie I help make. Its like being a hooker, but I get paid WAY less. So this is why I leave all my internet obsession for my 8 hr work day. Its sort of pay back, or something like that.

    In fact I was a little worried as I was cleaning out my shed last night and I was stabbed by something. I look, and its a piece of mouse shit….only I can be stabbed by a piece of mouse shit! Any way I waited till I came to work today to see if I should go to the hospital to make sure I wouldn’t contract a deadly disease. It looks like I’ll be okay, its only bad when you breathe it in….I think.

  64. Thanks for this. Now I know what to call the part of my brain thats trying to get me to try brown sugar cupcakes this weekend. Stupid weasel, I don’t need to be baking, and certainly not something sweet.

  65. This is EXACTLY how I ended up here just now!!! Except it wasn’t a weasel, it was the cat. He is a very bad influence.

  66. Well, *MY* weasel brain somehow manipulated it so instead of writing a manifesto, I wound up here. And of course now I’m thinking about how I finally saw The Snowmen episode of Doctor Who, and how charming I found it. And I’m thinking of how if it ever snows enough to make snowmen again, I’ll have to make them look like THOSE snowmen. But I need someway to keep track of that thought so now I have to go try (again) to figure out Evernote or some other system that I’ll just lose track of and….. WEASEL!

  67. Is this weasel of which you speak a distant relative of Juanita’s? Better go to to check…

  68. HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! This is *totally* me!!!
    I blame the weasel crack.


    It’s like I have a real human friend now even though we have to communicate like this.

    Also, its weird that everytime you don’t tweet on twitter I’m thinking oooo…she must be having a super productive day! Yes, you’re my “girl i want to be more like” twitter check 😀 Also I totally have a “girl I hate” shit… what’s your favourite cake? if you tell me it’s something with strawberries in it then we are be sties!!

    (It’s TOTALLY strawberry. ~ Jenny)

  70. Holy damn, that has been my week in a fracking nutshell.

    Me: I need to work and write all sorts press releases and make signs.

    Weasel: You should probably check to see if she’s written anything new.

    Me: …k.

  71. Thank the gods that I’m not alone here!! I thought only my brain worked like that… Every. Single. Day. of. my. Life. Does it get better? Or do we all just learn to live with it?

  72. This is how I feel owning an iPhone. It seems like such a good idea to be able to look up anything anytime you want. Until you realize that’s all you’re doing. Technology steals time. It really should learn that there ate consequences for that. Someone didn’t raise technology right. Or me. Whichever.

  73. omg, we share a brain.

    Brain: Oh, hey, did you know there’s an entire website dedicated to slapping a guy in the face with an eel?

    Me: OMG stop that, I’m at work.

    Brain: Technically, you’re on a lunch break.

    Me: ….true. [continues slapping someone in the face with an eel]

  74. My brain weasel has prevented me from doing laundy and returning two pairs of pants to target For over a week.
    See every day I get in my car after work the damn weasel starts yellimg that I have to check facebook and my friends blog about living and teaching in japan and then your blog too and then whatever tv show I missed and as soon as i get home i follow that damn weasel’s every word….. then suddenly its 12:30 and I realize I have to be up at 6 and teach toddlers all day and what am I going to wear cuz my only comfy pants have yesterdays lunch on them from the kids hands! I really need to get my teacher voice into my head and have her deal with this no good weasel! After i figure out if this works you could totally borrow my teacher voice to wrangle your brain weasel too 🙂

  75. I really want to buy “IWANTSOMECAKELIKEYESTERDAY.COM” so that it can be pointed back to this specific post and totally confuse people.

  76. This is awesome. See, I knew I wasn’t alone.

    I swear my internet problem got worse when I got an ipad for christmas. Not only did my posture worsen because hey, now I can just sit on the internet FROM MY COUCH, but my attention span went Wheeeeeeeeeeee!!

    Every night my husband, who used to be the one who went to bed late, goes up and has to tell me ” Do NOT stay up too late”. And the next morning usually ends up with the alarm going off and me going grrrrr. Because of course I found 800 things I just had to read or look up before I could go to sleep.

    Oh-and I keep meaning to make some phone calls & finish a book I’m reading-but people on the internet might need me. If I don’t respond to someone’s tweet they’re going to think I’m an asshole.

  77. My weasel works like this…. that was a depressing story (check the Blogess); who ate all the chips? (check the Blogess); I think this report is giving me writers block (check the Blogess)….. damn smart weasel! His favorite cake is Chocolate, Raspberry Fudge……. MMMMMMMM!

  78. So I had to Google ‘hermelin’. And so it starts… Thanks a lot.

  79. Is there a website where I can find all the ways you can die in a Disney Park? How have I never seen this? Dammit…I am headed down the rabbit hole.

  80. Wow, that wikipedia link was an internet hole I never thought I’d fall down into. Yet, there I was.

  81. Ah…the Internet. How did we live without it? How can we continue to live with it? How did people actually know/remember things before google?

  82. oh the interenet. I just don’t understand people who tell me they don’t really spend much time online. HOW?

  83. Wait, didn’t they already cancel Bob’s Burgers? I could have sworn I saw that … SQUIRREL!

  84. Welcome to my life. I keep promising myself that each week I’ll be more productive and then that week actually comes…

  85. Yup. My life. Except my demon isn’t a weasel it’s an actual demon that makes me write demented books after torturing me with cat youtube videos

  86. My brain is so much like that. I have so much going on in my brain between conversations that often what I say out loud sounds like such a non sequitur, but followed a perfectly logical train of thought in my brain.

  87. Please never change. I NEEDED this today (and so did the co-workers I was about to slap).

    Thank you for being you.

  88. That is totally my life. I have stupidly looked at one video on YouTube and several hours later realized that the elves are not doing my work properly while I’m off entertaining myself like they’re supposed to. How much more work did I used to get done when I didn’t have ten thousand instant distractions available online? And how much time can one person spend looking at cute baby animal websites, anyway? Because I think I may have broken a record.

  89. Well, that’s just ludicrous. Everyone knows that the Doctor uses the TARDIS to get your attention. Or a vortex manipulator. Or an 18th century fireplace in France. Or…a blog comment? Oh my shit, CHECK THE SPAM FOLDER NOW.

  90. Love how your mind works, Jenny! I predict this post will generate tons of buzz like the original Beyonce post did.



  92. My meds slowed my weasel down but he is still there weaving around all over the place like he is drunk….

  93. Yes. Except I can cook and bake. My grandmothers taught me so I wouldn’t starve.

  94. FUCKING WEASEL. This happens to me more often than I’d like to admit. And yet here we are. 😉

  95. I looked at the bottom of the screen and I thought it said, “<—- Do they even have PEASANTS on the Jersey Shore." Which seems like something you could look up on the interwebs.

  96. Yeah that sounds pretty familiar, I’ve finally had to start putting my computer away while working, it would a lot better if I didn’t need my computer for half of my work. Sigh. Damn you internet!

    But there is totally a market for delivery cake, also ice cream, like ice cream trucks but on demand!

  97. OMG…now I HAVE to have cake…I wonder if my kid is off work yet so he can go pick some up for me….crap, no, last time I had him run an errand to go get me food, he had a car accident when the sandwich rolled onto the floor….I don’t have an oven to bake a cake, not since the new washing machine flooded my new house on the day we moved in…thinking about taking my brand new house down to the studs to repair all the crap makes me want MORE CAKE….

  98. all I can think about is the type of cake that I would have delivered….which would be red velvet but I am thinking I have not had strawberry shortcake in awhile. But wait! What about that cannoli cake that I had that wedding a few weeks ago….

  99. Bahahaha, and now I totally think that you’re one of the voices in MY head.


  100. I think that’s an ermine or least weasel. Little fuckers can take out a full grown rabbit! I am a bit concerned for kitty! Enough nuffing. I do have a brain weasel, but I’ve referred to it as a 2 year old on sugar. The little bitch will sit there & start nattering on about nothing, especially at night time. Sometimes I’ll sedate her with a beer, or Benadryl.

  101. This is what I imagine it is like inside my husband’s head when he tries to explain it to me. It seems like it would be exhausting.

  102. Thank you Jenny. I think her name is Jenny. I wonder who that Allie person is who draws. I haven’t made a cake in a long time. That has to be a toy….

  103. The CRAAAAAAZY part? All of us reading this post and all these comments? We are all HAVING THE EXACT SAME CONVERSATION WITH OUR VERY OWN WEASELS.

    I seriously just sat down to write a blog-post. And then I saw your post.


  104. And somehow I just spent an hour looking at videos of weasels and ferrets… Awesome… 😛
    I actually don’t mind too much it was fun.

  105. This an eerily accurate summary of my life… I spend way too long researching Amanda Bynes’ shenanigans 😛

  106. Jenny! I love you! You’re hilarious! Once again, you’ve swung the hammer and hit the nail directly on the head. You’ve described in excellent detail an episode of what I like to call “playing fuck-fuck”, which can happen anytime but often happens when I have shit-ton of stuff to accomplish. The result, of course, is my to-do list is remains undone and I can be found exclaiming at the end of the day: “Where the fuck did the day go?!!!?? What the fuck did I do today????!!???” At least you accomplished cake.

  107. One: the weasel is right, you can totally order cake online!
    Two: I have a money making idea. Seriously, we will be so rich! We bottle Weasel energy! I can’t wait to be looked down on by people with old family money. All because I’d have new money! Squeeee!

  108. And this is why those of us with voices from non-actual human sources take 2-753X longer to do any task. It’s true, I read it on Wikipedia.

  109. Ok, I think I’m going to ignore that mosaic of suggested videos that appeared after yours ended… Aww look at that kitty! He looks so cute, I’ll just watch that one.

    ::5 hours later:: Huh. I didn’t know you could use a can opener to perfectly fold t-shirts like they do in stores.

  110. Do weasels talk to you a lot? Is it just the one, and does it use different voices? You might want to get that checked. There is probably a cream for that.

  111. There is a place that delivers fresh baked cookies where I live. But you have to order at least a dozen and that is too dangerous.

  112. You would probably have more comments by now but we were all sucked into that link you posted. I’d pay good money to unsee the one about the guy and the horse. I think I’m never getting on the Interwebs again.

  113. Here’s a little least weasel/ermine/stoat that a very nice man rescued. It’s all better & comes & goes from his house & he has far less mice now. There are more videos on his channel. Ozzie is so much fun to watch!

  114. Dude. I totally weasel myself. At home. At work (when I can get away with it). While driving – only with no texting or internet surfing because that’s assholery, not weaselry. I just mentally weasel what I wanna weasel later. Weasel wisely, my friends.

  115. the man smothered by cloaks was Draco.

    In the list a bit further down is Lucius. Click on him and there is some dude called Severus.


    (shit, now I have forgotten to go and pick up my kid)

  116. That is so me! And now I finally have a name for it: brainweasels!

  117. I love all my Internet friends! People I’ve never met (well, met once, in a crowd) who make me laugh like a lunatic while agreeing with every single word. Oh-Em-Gee, the Internet!

    I also love cat v. weasel.

    And I, too, should be working.

  118. This is totally what happens to me when I try to clean my house. Which is why my house is never clean, not because I am the worlds lousiest housekeeper. Seriously. Stop laughing.

  119. I was totally complaining on facebook and twitter because everyone is being so interesting and chatty when I have homework, then I came here on my way to study for a REALLY EXCITING editing test all about subordinate clauses and correlative whatsits for which I see absolutely no use at all, and I see you’re having THE SAME PROBLEM. The funny thing is, when I saw ‘cat’ and ‘weasel,’ and that the cat was black, my first thought was ‘Jenny has a new cat.’ My second thought was WTF THAT WEASEL IS ALIVE.

  120. I thought it was just me and my brain. Good to know I’m in good company. Keep working hard!

  121. My favourite quote from Gilmore Girls comes to mind:

    ‘My brain is a wild jungle full of scary gibberish. I’m writing a letter, I can’t write a letter, why can’t I write a letter? I’m wearing a green dress, I wish I was wearing my blue dress, my blue dress is at the cleaners. The Germans wore gray, you wore blue, ‘Casablanca’ is such a good movie. Casablanca, the White House, Bush. Why don’t I drive a hybrid car? I should really drive a hybrid car. I should really take my bicycle to work. Bicycle, unicycle, unitard. Hockey puck, rattlesnake, monkey, monkey, underpants!’

    I was tempted to pretend to be Dr Who and invite you time-travelling, but I haven’t really seen Dr Who so thought it would be a little too obviously fake :p But I hope the real Dr Who comes along. You never know.

  122. This is the bestest post ever. Unfortunately (for me), it makes me really dislike my blog. Gardening can suck it. I’d rather watch weasels.

  123. If this is what happens to you when you are trying to work, then you should really try meditating. The number of thoughts that you didn’t know you had, or could have — multiplied by 1000. Or more.

  124. Yes!! I think anyone who has some shred of humanity left and works at home does this. My husband asks what I’m doing, and when I reply, “Working *sigh* As usual.” And he usually looks at my computer and nods.

    A smart man knows when not to say, “Since when is eating Chips Ahoy and playing candy crush saga considered working?”

  125. Oh. Em. Gee. Your brain is run by psychotic internet addicted weasels too?!

  126. The weasel looks tiny next to the GIANT CAT which looks like it should just be able to sit on the weasel and annihilate it. But no, the wily weasel is too quick for the GIANT CAT and will defeat it. . . . .My brain is broken. . . . .

  127. It had to be strawberries Jenny…it just had to. You’re my spirit animal <3

  128. This is the same thing that happens to me sometimes, except the cat represents my brain, and the weasel represents a cat-and-weasel video on The Bloggess. Oh, no… I hope I didn’t just open some kind of cosmic wormhole with that little nested cat and weasel fractal metaphor thing. Now I have to search online to see if that’s even possible. Some Dr. Who fansites are probably a good place to start…

  129. The cake is a lie. Or the weasel is lying about the cake. Or both. And that weasel seemed to pay an inordinate amount of attention to the kitty’s bottom. Hello! I’m Weasel, Weekend Proctologist.

  130. mini squirrel-gunnison’s prairie dog-ferret on 7th day of meth/crack/sugar binge = weasel = what goes on inside my head cat = me trying to slow that quick little shit down so i can at least have ONE idea of what i’m supposed to be doing/ not doing. someone needs to write a violin jingle for that video. and once you get that cake delivery business started, the weasel will change it’s course (what my doctor calls direction of thought– huh!) and take you off to start and unrelated but equally BRILLIANT idea!!! i made good friends with my brain mini squirrel-gunnison’s prairie dog-ferret-weasel years ago. we like to play games, because if you can’t play with your mind, what is it good for?

  131. I made the mistake of clicking on the list of weird deaths which got me sucked into wikipedia for a few hours…

  132. You & the internet suck! I got caught watching cats playing in water, the one I watched after the cat & weasel. Busted.

  133. That was wonderfully written… funny all the way through, and building to the cake finish brought it to another level, giving it a really well-rounded and finished feel. It was truly charming.

  134. If I don’t watch the cats being cute and funny on the internet, how will I ever know what my cats should act like? If I don’t go scroll thru 2,398 memes, how will it justify someone having made them up in the first place?

    I’d say I need a few more hours in a day, but I think we all know what I’d end up doing with them.

  135. I so knew I loved you but you absolutely topped it when you put both Bob’s Burgers and Arrested in the same line. I am not sure but we might be siamese twins. I don’t think so, but can’t really get around to looking up definition of siamese twins as I get distracted by definition of siamese fighting fish, then beta vcrs, then early 80’s movies and the next thing you know I am watching Breakin’ 2 Electric Boogaloo – then I am at the Urgent Care for a possible slipped disc – can’t tell husband and kids I was working on my worm, so invent some tragic household disaster that engenders enough guilt for them on the way I serve them ala Cinderella and enough marvel that I am such a domestic goddess that they want to call up Hallmark and ask them where can they buy a “Get Well Soon – we are sorry you broke your cocyx folding laundry and washing the floor simultaneously” card.

  136. Last week, I was trying to work when something I was looking up reminded me of a quote from The Big Lebowski. Even though I know that movie backwards and forwards and the work I was doing had to do with writing about personal finance (which means The Dude did not in any way actually relate to what I was writing, he just decided to intrude upon my thoughts because I make weird connections in my head to things, even if no one else in the universe is able to make such leaps), I decided to look the scene up on Anyclip. Before I was allowed to bask in the goodness that is more F-bombs than you can shake a disapproving stick at, Anyclip forced me to sit through a 60 second commercial on ADHD medication.

    And that is how I learned that the internet is watching me back.

  137. The internet is like a creepy guy in a van offering candy, and we keep getting in. However, while I’m in there, I find this post and all these comments, all of which enrich my life. It turns out the creepy guy isn’t really bad per se, he just wants to drive us around until we don’t have time to get any of our chores done.

    “What if someone just found a Sasquatch?”… ahahahahahahahaha!!!

  138. Thanks, Jenny. There was a link to a Doctor Who video at the end of the cat and weasel video. I am now in a (what will likely be hours long) downward spiral of chasing Doctor Who links on youtube.

  139. And then you became the weasel!

    Thanks to that post, I ended up googling and youtubing and wikipediaing all of the things you mentioned because they sounded really interesting. And then, somehow, 4 hours later I ended up watching back episodes of Saved by the Bell. How did I get here? HOW?!


    If anyone asks what is wrong with me, I will answer “I’ve been weaseled.”

  140. Actually instead of weasels, teenage daughters lie to joke that it is a monkey throwing poop in our heads! I get distracted veery easily too… mid sentence…I all like this and start arguing with myself outloud what was the NAME of that place or person or was that the other day or did I see that on FB or yahoo news and this is why you should do your homework! And my kids are all like “Monkey POOPED again in yer brain Maw!” LOL! My other daughter just cam in and asked m where her sandwhich is? Oh crap! I was going to make that for her after I checked FB and just wanted to read one more thingggg.! Damnit! The Internet IS da Devil!!!!

  141. I mean they “LIKE to joke” even my fingers are against me! Bitches don’t like to orders from even me. Suck at typing

  142. True story, I used to let my cable bill go to collection every few months so the internet and the cable would go out and I would actually get some work done.

  143. I need a weasel to entertain my cats, this way I could youtube them, which would validate me while I do nothing but surf the net for news, important, stupid and just plain entertaining! BTW, Kim Kardashian is not fat she is pregnant! Fat doesn’t happen til after the baby!

  144. Part of a Facebook conversation I had with my friend, Amy, on April 26th:

    6:04pm Aren: “It’s a zombie carrot cake, Grandpa. Just eat it.”
    6:04pm Aren: I WANT CAKE.

    6:06pm Amy: Me too!


    6:20pm Amy: There should be.

    6:20pm Aren: Agreed.
    6:20pm Aren: “Hello. I would like a big slice of delicious cake and maybe a couple of cupcakes for later. For delivery, please.”
    6:20pm Aren: That should be me RIGHT NOW.

    I am amazed at how similarly our brains work, you and I…

  145. Loads shotgun; hits Weasel squarely between weasel eyes. Misses computer screen by fraction of an inch. Orders cupcakes to celebrate death of weasel.

  146. Nice analogy.
    It also gives us the phrase “Falling off the Weasel.” (definition: to be seduced into looking at stupid cat videos on YouTube and checking Twitter 50 times per day instead of doing productive sh*t)

  147. I’ve had that bakery idea too! Except usually it’s about cookies. I’ll be sitting around at 11 pm thinking, “Man, I could go for some cookies. Why aren’t there any late-night delivery bakeries?” I don’t have a car and there are no stores within a 15 minute walk of my building, so my late-night snack options are limited. True story: I once ordered delivery from two different restaurants at the same time, because the one had the food I wanted, but what they DIDN’T have was the bag of deep-fried donuts you could get from the other restaurant. And I needed those donuts.

  148. Is anyone else worried that one day this game (with the actual cat and actual weasel, not the metaphorical one) is going to end really badly for the weasel?

  149. Jenny, meet my good friend ritalin. If you’re interested in an awkward relationship with your pharmacist, where he looks at you like you’re a crackhead, I’d highly recommend you ask your doctor about getting some. My own productivity has greatly improved and I hate my pharmacist anyway, so fuck him

  150. Hahah oh man, so glad I’m not the only one. That wikipedia death website was horribly addicting. And I’m now terrified of pool drains.

  151. haha, I’m at worked and sneaked away for few seconds to your blog.

    Me = Cat
    Your Blog = Weasel

  152. I’ve had that Wikipedia link bookmarked for months….it’s great fun and highly addictive. I also recommend the Star Wars Wiki if you want to kill a couple of hundred hours and if you just want to spend the rest of your life reading about useless information!

  153. I want the rug in that video. I wonder if I can find one… *goes to Google image search*

  154. I want that job where I look at things on the internet all day and read the blogs and then write things on my own blog. What is that job called?

  155. Technology is great. I go to sleep reading tweets and news on my iPhone, just in case ONE MORE THING happened before I go to sleep. If the end of the world is coming, I might want to stay up all night and eat cookie dough.

  156. Omg…where is my foil cap?? I totally knew my brain waves were transmitting. No seriously. How did you get in my brain. Or at least it could be my brain. Maybe I’ll check Wikipedia…..

  157. I’m kind of happy to know you also have a weasel, and yet you still managed to write a book.

    okay, back to googling “cat bearding”…because earning a living is for assholes.

  158. Are you working on a PhD too? Because this is totally me while “researching” for my dissertation…

  159. I just finished “Let’s Pretend This Never Happened” and I’m sure my neighbours are much relieved. They no longer have to listen to me laughing crazily each night. The whole book was freakishly funny for this 58 year old library acquisitioner (really, that’s word; I would know). The chapter on poor Barnaby Jones Pickles had me howling and feeling so guilty that I ordered a copy of “Old Yeller” just to cleanse my literary palate and save my dog lovin’ soul. I was reading the last chapter tonight when I was eating a fajita and fortunately a drop of salsa leaped onto the bottom of the last few pages and turned into the crazy red stain. I say fortunately because now I will have to [seruptitiously] buy a new copy for the library to replace the one I stained, and then I’ll GET TO KEEP THIS ONE!

  160. At least you had this conversation with a cat, which is perfectly acceptable and normal. I always have it with myself, which is just awkward and uncomfortable…especially for everyone around me at the Starbucks when it happens.

  161. This happens to me. And I don’t even have to work. My husband couldn’t call me on a Google Hangout yesterday because I had 89 tabs open in Chrome, mostly of TV Tropes.

    Also, in Newcastle-upon-Tyne, you can get cake delivered like pizza. Ta da!

  162. HA! You have just illustrated the internets to perfection!

    And now I feel like cake.

  163. I succumbed and clicked the Wikipedia link…

    336: Arius, presbyter of Alexandria, is said to have died of sudden diarrhea followed by copious hemorrhaging and anal expulsion of the intestines while he walked across the imperial forum in Constantinople. He may have been poisoned.

    He *may* have been poisoned?

  164. See youy Missy, I’ve been working all week at my des=k in the office avoiding the internet. Been in since 7.45 this morning, and all I’ve done is read other peoples posts and watched videos



  165. Bah ha ha!!! Oh god that is so true…. I was supposed to be using the wii fit right now but instead I am on here while twitter and a news website are running in the background – but thanks to you at least I still got my ab work out!

  166. Why is that weasel trying to enter that cat anally? Why do I keep thinking it is a squirrel?

    Best Anchorman Quote: I miss your musk… When this all gets sorted out, I think you and me should get an apartment together!

  167. Whole thing = funny. Honestly though, I couldn’t get my brain off the thought of one of the things you wrote towards the beginning about feeling tempted to comment and disagree with a blogger you disagreed with. Haha, not to sound like I’m brown-nosing or anything…just the truth as I see it, but holy cow, you’ve got the blogosphere power to devastate someone….you’d probably make someone cry…..for decades.

    I have run into a couple of blogs that I hate. I mean absolutely despise, but have thus far refrained from calling them out. The primary blog (a humor one) that I hate more than about anything, is this guy who came up with an AWESOME, totally unique and original concept/general theme for the blog……but just plain and simply SUCKS ASS in how he operates it. By operating I mean everything associated with blogging, but especially the stupidity of the content and his blatant fails in his cunning attempts to be funny. I just wish so badly that someone else came up with the concept/blog theme that he did….someone who could make it freaking work. Drives me nuts and to make things worse, I probably visit his blog more than I do any other blog….I have no idea why. Possibly my subconscious wanting to torture myself for I know I am going to get to his page and read something that annoys the urea out of me topped off with discovering that the dude’s blog is seemingly getting more attention via comments than my own blog. Ugh, I don’t know why I do it to myself.


    That weasel may specialize in sabotogation (even a word? prolly not), but I would fucking love to have it…well with the option of being able to rid myself of it if I can’t tolerate it anymore.

    Can’t wait for Anchorman 2. I just IMDB’d that a few days ago.

  168. I hate that I am posting from the House of Pedantry, but that is a stoat. If you’ve ever wondered what the difference is, then shame on you – a weasel is weaselly recognised: a stoat is stoatily different.

  169. It’s a little freaky to come to read your blog and see a play-by-play of the inside of my brain. Actually a lot freaky.

  170. I’m sure you’ve seen it but I just found io9’s The World’s Most Awkward Taxidermy. It made me think of you and then wonder what the heck I was doing looking at odd stuffed animals wheni should be working, which made me think of you again…sick cycle.

  171. This is exactly how I ended up reading this post…I was going to check CNN but totally got sidetracked…all while technically working

  172. I’m addicted to your blog. Please stop being so funny. Or be funny more often during the day so I can read you more often.

  173. Oh, God, this is what it’s like in my head too. Except half the time, the weasel is saying, “Oops, forgot what I just told you to do.” So then I have to find something else completely different to do. Yeah, I had this chapter for a novel open since 11:30 this morning. It’s no closer to finished.

  174. You, dearest Jenny, have written above the most hysterical thing I’ve read this week. If not this month. You have made me chortle and laugh out loud and nearly shoot a kalamata olive out of my nose. At work. Now everyone is staring and I really don’t even care. I love you.

  175. Wow, for a minute I forgot the weasel was a metaphor for your brain and I had this image in my head of you having this conversation out loud with an actual weasel.

  176. The fact that you have never watched the Kardashians and that you even thought of opening a business that delivers cake that you can eat with your hands while you watch TV has somehow, impossibly, made me love you more. Jenny, if I ever switch to chicks, you have to divorce Victor and marry me. I would be the best Kardashian-shunning, hand-cake-eating, lesbian-wife EVER.

  177. Oh my god, that video made me need a xanax! I hope the cat catches and eats it….

  178. I just had to pause reading this to IMDB Katherine Heigl. One of my friends told me she was in a Francine Rivers TV movie, it’s true.

  179. Can’t even stand it. I finished my graphic design degree with online classes, which meant a lot of time alone at home. I freelance on top of my unassuming day job. I just plain love Pinterest. I’m trying to start up a blog to record artistic achievements and how much I love makeup and Doctor Who theories and Python quotes and I’m really bad at staying on track and this entire post is why everyone I know is always mad at me because it looks like I’m always moving the same four pixels around but for the love of all that is good in this world if I have huge headphones on I don’t want to talk about what you ate/are going to eat/where and when and why you hate your boss/significant other/Clara I DON’T HAVE TIME, somebody is putting on a lip butter/showing me how to do better watercolors/making a brilliant sketch involving hipster Disney characters and I JUST REALLY MISS Amy and Rory and I need to go talk to some vegan recipes about it while watching the new Arrested Development because I really am concerned about Michael.

  180. Me: Weasel… I hate you.
    Weasel: Hate is such a strong word… how about you “misunderstand” me.
    Me: Do I have to do the hand quotes as well.
    Weasel: Sure.
    Me: Okay I “Misunderstaaaa” wait a minute, just stop interacting with me.
    Weasel: Well done on the hand quotes.
    Weasel: Nope.
    Me: Well… get out of Jenny’s head, and stop making her write stuff that I feel I have to read… then comment on.
    Weasel: Not entirely up to you what I do or don’t do in Jenny’s head.
    Me: Look, just fuck off – I have a book to write.
    Weasel: Boring – you did that last year
    Me: Well ANOTHER book to write.
    Weasel: is it like the last one? You should totally do some research on the topic…
    Me: Good idea… I’ll just… NO. No. No. NO.
    Weasel: heh heh

    And that is the story of how I came to visit your site, and why I have a fork stuffed in my ear.

    And stop making her write stuff that I feel I need to read.

    I have another book to

  181. I have an inner squirrel that does exactly the same thing. I tell it to pipe down or it gets the hose, but it never listens.

  182. Your brain and my brain should go run amuck together while we actually get some work done. Hopefully.

  183. It’s like you and I are the same person as I sit on my office computer and catch up on my blog reading. Thank you!

  184. I think that’s a stoat, not a weasel.
    A weasel is weasily identified and a stoat is stoatally different.

    (really autocorrect, you’re ok with “stoatally”?)

  185. Unusual Deaths is missing one:
    2005 death of a woman in an alzheimer’s lock-down unit. She was dining alone in her room and choked on a Brussels sprout she was eating for dinner. She seems to have forgotten she didn’t even like Brussels sprouts.
    (First hand knowledge — this was my grandmother. It was a mercy in many ways since her alzheimer’s was so far along. It was really hard when my brother called me to share the news. He finally admitted that he was having a very hard time not laughing a little. Which made me feel like less wretched about the fact that I was biting my lip to keep from doing the same.)

  186. I just want you to know, this blog post contributed to at least 30 minutes of internet procrastination, so thanks for that. Hey, stop being so funny and interesting for a second!

  187. Firstly, I’m glad that I’m not the only one to have thorough discussions with my consciousness on a regular basis. Your voice is really personal and comfortable to read. It got a chuckle out of me. And I too happen to suffer from ‘antagonistic weasel-brain syndrome’, however my internal monologue tends to be a little more one-sided. When the weasel says to “Jump!” I immediately Google animals with the best jumping skills, forgetting everything that was important. That was a train wreck of a metaphor for me lacking any willpower. Nevertheless, fight the good fight against the weasel, and know that you are not alone in this battle. Stay strong, and maybe it’ll turn into “4 hours later” instead of five, the next time you face your procrastinator of a spirit animal.

  188. Oh my God this is uncannily similar. Except part of my voice is “go see what the Bloggess has to say. Come on what if you miss out on a post. It’s probably so hilarious and it’ll make your day better. Then go read older posts because those are pretty damn funny too. And while you’re at it go grab that full bag of Cheetos and proceed to EAT THEM ALL” Yep me too.

  189. Laughing so hard at this. I imagine the weasel very persuasively speed-talking this whole dialogue. If you ever do this as a radio spot, I WANT THE ROLE. 😀

  190. yeah. This is what your blog just did to my day.

    My animals are all confused by the ‘laughing so hard I’m wheezing while all alone in my office.’

    I think you’re my new best friend.

  191. Every time someone says “what is Arrested Development”, I glare at them and say “You’re the one; it’s your fault it was canceled and I’ll never forgive you for that.”

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