Me: I’m having a nervous breakdown.
Friend: I’ll bring the wine.
I’m not sure which wine pairs best with a nervous breakdown, but at this point I don’t really care, because wine. That seems like a sentence fragment but it’s not. “Because wine” is a full sentence and is also an answer to just about anything you could ever ask. “Why should I leave my house?” “Why am I crying at an insurance commercial?” “Why do my cats all have mustaches drawn on them?” BECAUSE WINE.
In fact…why does this post exist? Because wine.
And also because I’ve been fighting through a bitch of a wave of depression for the last several weeks and I’ve been slogging through the days and going through the motions and waiting for this shit to finally break. I’ve been forcing myself to leave the house as much as I can and congratulating myself for showering and moving and breathing, but it’s still hard as hell. I’m not alone. In the last few weeks I’ve gotten tons of comments and emails and tweets from people all feeling equally helpless. And that sucks. It sucks for them, and it sucks for me and it sucks for every person out there who can’t just fix us. There is, however, one bright point about getting those messages from others sailing their own rough waters…I can – without doubt– tell them that depression is lying to them and that things will get better. And then I have to admit that the same thing applies to me…even though at the time I’m fairly sure my emotions are dead forever.
And then, just as quickly as it came, it starts to lift. Yesterday I felt human again for almost two hours. It’s amazing how much you’re missing in a depressive state until you start to come out on the other side. It’s like breathing again after being underwater for far too long. The depression is back again now but I had an hour this morning when I was me again. And a few minutes ago I called a friend to come over to visit. That sounds like a stupid, small thing, but it’s not. It’s big. It’s huge.
When I’m in a depression I want to write about it, but I usually can’t. I’m too overwhelmed and paralyzed and exhausted. I end up writing 100 angsty drafts that never see daylight and I convince myself that no one cares. It’s not true. People care. They care about me and they care about you. If you’re feeling alone, you aren’t. Millions of people struggle with suicide and depression and mental illness. We keep taking pills. We keep talking to shrinks. We keep each other alive. We remind ourselves that depression lies. We keep breathing. And eventually the clouds metaphorically part and – as if by magic – we get a blast of normalcy and remember how amazingly wonderful it can be to feel life instead of suffer from it.
Yesterday I started feeling life again, and it felt wonderful. And I’m writing this to remind myself that it does pass, and that the miasma surrounding you now won’t always cling to you. It will pass for me and it will pass for you.
Keep breathing. Keep living. You are worth it.
PS. This seems unrelated and maybe it is but I’m including it anyway because wine. A few years ago my blog posts were peppered with humorous stories about my severe rheumatoid arthritis. I’d be bedridden for weeks at a time. I was in and out of hospitals. I spent most vacations in a wheelchair. It took many years and lots of different meds and doctors before they finally found the particular drug that cured my symptoms. It isn’t perfect and it’s crazy expensive and involves a lot of injections and constant work, but (knock on wood) I haven’t been in a wheelchair in over a year. I had started to think that my whole life would just be random weeks of pain and that I’d end up hobbled and miserable, but then we found that one drug that worked for me. And if there’s a drug out there that could save me physically then I have to believe that one day there will be one that could save me mentally.
I’m holding out for that miracle. Stay here and keep me company.
PPS. If you’ve found something that works for you, feel free to share it. For me, it’s music. This song has been on replay for me all week and it helps. Maybe it’ll help you too.
*Hug*.
“When I’m in a depression I want to write about it, but I usually can’t.” This is how I used to feel, to a T.
Take care of yourself!
<3
You are brave for being honest. And people who are struggling will appreciate this. Thinking of you.
You will come out on the other side, and I’m not just saying that because wine. Not even because rum, because wine makes me blotchy. You are loved, Jenny. <3
I second that *hug*. Keep going, you are stronger than you know.
Every time you feel better…I start to feel better, too. Love to you.
As much as I hate knowing that someone else is going through this, it’s comforting to know I’m not alone. And it helps knowing you GET it, because those around me who haven’t experienced depression really don’t. Thank you and keep your chin up!
Thanks so much for your bravery. It’s been a huge inspiration as I’ve struggled with my own mental illness.
You are awesome.
What he said.
Hugs.
Thanks for sharing your journey…so many of us can relate. Too many of us. And it helps to know we are not alone on our journeys.
I think a good Pinot would pair best with depression. Mostly because it sounds funny to say (and a bit dirty as well!).
I’m here with you. Hugs. Hugs.
I too suffer from depression and rheumatoid arthritis. It’s a bitch. Thank you for talking about it. And I love your sense of humor!
Nothing more than thank you, and I love you.
My husband is an active duty Army musician, and one of his co-workers believed the lies and jumped off a bridge today.
Sigh.
I love your bravery and candor. I needed to hear and be reminded that depression lies. You are amazing.
Music is also my crutch. This is a song that has been my new anthem lately. http://youtu.be/2lYwaN5KdgM
Exercise and friends. And your blog. 🙂
It’s so rotten that two of my favorite and funniest writers–you and Allie Brosh (hyperbole-and-a-half) also have to live with depression. I hope they do find some way to allow you two hilarious women to keep up the funny, and to enjoy your lives. Because we sure do enjoy your funny.
xoxo
*hugs* You said all of that far better than I could have. God, Jenny, I love you…you just don’t know how much you help the rest of us…we love you!
You’re brave.
I hope you feel better soon. We all do. You are not alone.
We definitely care. You are my favourite internet stranger. <3
Hi Jenny,
With my dog’s recent hospitalization, my preparation to leave New York City for two months, the move to my new apartment, and the winding down of some of my freelance work, I’ve felt pulled in many different directions, emotionally and physically. Sometimes, I felt completely off kilter with tears running down my face and thoughts that wouldn’t stop racing. As a meditation and yoga teacher, I have the tools to bring myself back to center when these kinds of moments strike. It takes time and patience (sometimes more of both than I would like), but it happens every single time. My practice has never failed me. It’s never failed anyone I know.
So if you’re under the dark clouds of stress and anxiety, sit down. Close your eyes. One hand on the heart, one hand on the belly. Take a deep breath and place your attention right between the eyebrows (the third eye). Your mind doesn’t control you. You control the mind. You are empowered to replace that stress with peace. You can will it to happen. It doesn’t cost you a dime. It doesn’t require any special equipment. And yet, it is the most valuable gift you can give to yourself. Teaching this simple fact is certainly the most valuable thing I give to the world.
We’re here for you when you’re in a depression and when you’re not.
I don’t think I can begin to thank you enough for all that you do for our community. Today was a no good, very horrible depression day, a day where I couldn’t even tread water, and here are your words, exactly what I needed. Thank you. Thankyouthankyouthankyou.
Thank you for writing about your depression. You help me by putting words to what my son is going through, and you give me hope.
Excellent song……hang in there….it will pass…..you are not alone.
I’m with you 100%. I’ve been struggling since December and I’m still working on meds. It’s awful but the clouds are starting to lift and I spent four hours with my friends last night laughing and talking and enjoying life. Because wine. It was worth it. You were the first person who told me that depression lies and I believed you and it saved me. Thank you.
Much as I deplore pills or rather the idea of taking them, I’ve found something that does work where everything before most definitely didn’t. Google “Pristiq”. It’s helping me tremendously. Stay safe…
Music, absolutely. It’s like getting a boost over the fence from a friend.
I care and I think you’re awesome.
I don’t know you, but I love you. I appreciate your willingness to give voice to these things. I’ve struggled with depression and PTSD in the past, but was told I was past that. I felt like I was past that. Then I got pregnant and that somehow triggered an anxiety disorder. Sometimes I have bursts of normalcy but typically I’m all angst and nausea and headaches and panic and tears and suck. I started seeing a shrink and it’s helping, which is weird cuz it never really helped in the past. So I’m grateful for that.
Keep on keeping on. Because wine (which I need you to drink for me).
Depression sucks & it lies. Thanks for sharing. Come to Madison, WI. I’d love to see you.
The timing of the Universe always amazes me. Today I’ve been slammed with a massive anxiety attack/depressive episode. They come on rarely, but when they do, it’s like a black hole I fall in and the panic of trying to escape! Your post is like a rope ladder that fell into the hole. Thanks for sharing, darlin. Hope someone throws you a ladder when you need it! Hugs and love to you!
So it’s not just me then?? Virtual group hug. I personally will be drinking Moscato
The description of paralyzed, overwhelmed, and exhausted really hits home (as does wine!).
Going through a rough spell with divorce and little people. Nice to know that although it’s a depessing club that no one wants to belong to, having rough times and still being able to encourage others like you and so many others do is a gift.
And it’s true. I’ve been here a few times, and it always gets better–always because of support and humor and often complete strangers making a moment of my day happier, like your blog.
Hugs!
You are an inspiring, courageous, witty-beyond-belief human being. Keep exposing your beautiful soul. People are listening.
Writing.. irresponsible amounts of vodka… and snake handling. Can’t explain the last one, but it’s soothing for some reason.
Oh, and the occasional mosh pit. When I’m sad and in need to slam myself against a stranger’s body in a semi-violent, yet friendly manner.
(and on another note, thank you for all you do)
Thank you, this post is a great reminder. My depression alternates between rage and numbness.
I’m actually afraid to drink wine because I’m afraid I’ll become an alcoholic. So far I’m only addicted to chocolate, which seems safer.
I like Sara Bareilles’s song “Brave” to remember how to “feel life.”
Thank you.
You have no idea (ok, maybe you do) how badly I needed to read this tonight. Thank you.
RA sucks and depression sucks. But you’re right, eventually it doesn’t suck and then one day you wake up and it’s like the sun pooped a big ass cloud of sad and it sucks again and then Tuesday the sun pooped rainbows and you’re okay.
It’s riding those up/down waves that often get me in the worst head space because they seem to make no sense and there seems to be no rhyme nor reason to them. And they happen whenever they want to. At least with my RA, I can see a physical manifestation of what’s wrong. It doesn’t make it easier but at least I can point to something and say “broken”.
Thank you for always reminding the world that we aren’t alone in this and for being a big, bad ambassador for those whose voices get lost in the shuffle.
You are so beautifully dysfunctional and brilliantly irrelevant. It hurts me to see the pain you go through when you’ve brought so much joy to my life with your writings. I wish I could give even a little back.
It does lie. It will get better. You are worthy and loved. (and so is everyone else reading this)
Thank you. For making me laugh most days, for making me teary-eyed today. I hate that you feel like you do, but love that you write about it and share your feelings, because I’ve felt the same. And it helps, so, so much to know I’m not alone. Thank you.
We are titanium – we are strong and glad to have found each other.
Thanks for sharing. You are a key voice out there making depression something to discuss and not try to hide. I am strong at the moment, but your words helped when I was low. I hope you keep improving. For me, it was a lower dose combo of 2 medicines that did the trick rather than one single magic pill.
You are not alone. You are stronger than that lying asshole depression. You’re gonna surface again, soon, and stay up there for a while. <3
(((<3)))
I don’t suffer from depression, but you’re ability to consistently overcome inspires me nonetheless. You go. Love your book. Love your blog. And tonight I love everything, including people who yield while they are IN the traffic circle, why? Because wine. tomorrow i’ll hate those assholes. don’t stop in a traffic circle, dick.
So, like, I’m 22 years sober today. Because wine. Oh, no. Wait. Because NO wine. NO WINE. But I wish I could have wine because my 10yr old son is going through a terrible depression and anxiety and panic attacks and trips to the ER and doctor’s and OMG. It’s terrible to watch. I wish I could make it all go away.
I’m not having my own mental health issues right now, thank goodness, but I’ve been there. I’ll be there again. I’m sorry you’re there now. I’m sorry my son’s there’s now. I will give him hugs and you my portion of wine. I COULD DRINK A LOT OF WINE. You’re welcome.
Hang in there, ok? So many people love you. Some of us in that creepy internet way, but hey – creepy love is love too. xo
Thank you. Thank you for being honest and true and open about what you’re going through, because it might just be your words that stops someone from making a choice they can’t take back. Thank you for offering such a poignant description of what you’re going through to help others have a little more understanding of just how HARD this is. Thank you for being a voice for so many people who, maybe, don’t have your brilliance with words, but who have a vivid and personal understanding of what you’re going through.
As a person who works closely with children and adolescents with emotional and mental health issues, THANK YOU. You give a beautiful, earnest, and amazing voice to something that NEEDS one. The more people who speak out…who scream from the rooftops…the faster help will come.
Depression and arthritis have both been drastically helped in thousands of people by living Paleo! Look up Robb Wolf and Practical Paleo and Primal Body Primal Mind. Get the bad food 100% out of your life and miraculous changes occur! Helped me in so many ways!
I just had a beautiful baby…and I can’t stop crying. I know it’s just the hormones, but I don’t know how long it will last this time (I have 4 other kids I can’t care for right now, thank God for my husband!). I will get through it, though, I know that I have to.
One breath at a time, if that’s what it takes. Hang on. You’re not alone.
Oh Dammit! I forgot that I love you and my hubby has RA and it is a BITCH, and here is a song that I love: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cfz9uEA8kLs
I so get where you are. You’re not alone, either. Depression does lie; it tells me people whom I know love me, don’t….tomorrow I’m going to the doctor and asking for a med change. I’ll let you know how it goes. Hang in there, Jenny…hugs.
Music helps me as well. Currently my theme is from Deb Talan “now you only dream in peaceful blue and the morning doesn’t even scare you anymore, you are a Phoenix with your feathers still a little wet, baby, the ashes just look pretty on your eyes”
Korean music, of all things, gets me through. Kpop, kpunk, whatever. Keeps my head above water when nothing else will.
I adore you. And so does my 13 year old daughter that accidentally read your book when I wasn’t looking. Ahem. But she got it all and understands and stuff. Probably.
I took a fistful of different antidepressants before eventually figuring out that the anxiety caused the depression and not the other way around. Depression meds rarely do much for anxiety. So… About six months (that’s all I could afford) of cognitive behavioral therapy helped me cope with anxiety so that I only occasionally became debilitated by it. Later, my best best friend continued the path by becoming a cognitive behavioral therapist by accident. He’s not a therapist. His mind just works like that.
Now I get overwhelmed about once a year. My best friend can usually talk me back to rationality in a day or two. I have wine and/or Xanax when the insomnia gets too bad. It never goes away. I’ve learned to blunt it’s power over me. And you will too.
Keeping you company.
I’m in here too.
Thank you. For real. Thank you.
I’m a music therapist, Jenny. There are so very many of us who are fans of yours. Keep with the music. Let it lift you out and continue to remind you who you really are.
Depression is a lying sack of sh*t, and THANK YOU for saying it so well. I hope tomorrow, it lifts for longer. Or just entirely – that would be nice! So glad, though, that you know to wait it out, and pulled it together to remind the rest of us that it applies to us. Can’t say it too often, especially to younger folks who haven’t yet figured out the wily ways of depression and think they really *are* worthless.
Try this song: Hang on Little Tomato by Pink Martini. It’s one of my favs when I get hit, and it fits with your attitude. Just hang in there and the sun WILL shine again. ***Hugs****
When you make it to the other side, we’ll be here. Arms wide open.
HUGS!!!! You are titanium.
You are honestly wonderful: one of the bravest, most inspirational people I know of. I can’t think of your blog without using words like “joyous” or “life-affirming” or “generous”. I hope that the fog will lift soon.
I need help. I need suggestions. I’m in a dark, dark place all alone, or so it feels.
(You aren’t alone. You just can’t see the rest of us here. Tell a friend or family member so they can help. The shitty thing about depression is that it makes you so tired you can’t fight for yourself, so you need someone to help you fight this battle. If that isn’t an option, call the suicide hotline. They can direct you to the right place or can just listen. They’ve helped me before. ~ Jenny)
I kept telling myself last night “depression lies depression lies depression lies”.
Thank you for posting this today. I needed it so much.
Cindy #49, that looks like a pretty sideways vagina. But we all know what it means. OR DO WE?
I’ve been feeling myself circling the drain lately and I’m too scared to say anything to anyone lest it be real. I needed to hear this. <3
This is really lovely. Just eloquent and humorous and hopeful. Thank you.
Thank you so much for sharing your personal stories and feelings. I love reading your quippy and quirky postings and sometimes forget that you’re very like me and the many others out there who deal with depression, chronic pain and the after effects of because wine.
I love how you put depression into words that those “regular” people can understand. I point to your blog and say “Look – see! That’s it exactly!”. Hang in there. I made it out and you will too. I third that *hug*.
Effexor! And surrounding myself with happy people. And, also, I’ve come to grips with the fact that the depression will always be there. Maybe that sounds like giving up, but trying to be something I’m not is exhausting. Fuck some “fake it ’till you make it,” I’m all “accept it and move on.”
I’ll for sure be saying “because wine” from now one.
And yes, it does pass.
I care, about pretty much everyone. People I know, people I Internet-know, people I don’t know at all…so if anyone needs to know that there’s at least one person out there, caring…
That’d be me. You’re not alone. Hang in there.
*Big Hugs* I know how you feel. I appreciate your posts so much because it helps me not feel alone. I’ve been battling a really horrible depression for over a year and I am getting more and more of these “normal” moments. Keep fighting. We’re here with you.
Btw – I love that song!!
Fall Out Boy gets me through my low points. They carried me through my divorce and they still carry me when I feel lost.
I’ve been pretending to be OK for the past week. I think as of yesterday I wasn’t pretending anymore. You lift my spirits and you remind me that DEPRESSION LIES.
Oh, and that acoustic version of “Titanium” is beautiful!
Thank you.
Oh it’s so hard to see when you’re in it , and once you’re out it’s hard to remember what it was like. You’re so right- depression is a lying douche canoe. I hope we all get our miracles
I told my friend this the other day … “When I become aware of the fact that what I am feeling is more than what I should be feeling over a given situation, that alone is a step in the right direction. I know I shouldn’t be feeling this upset. Why am I this upset? Do other people get this upset? The answer is yes. Yes they do. Other people feel this upset, but they don’t talk about it. Why shouldn’t we talk about it? It’s not my fault I feel this upset. There’s a whole bunch of chemicals that I don’t know the names of that are making me upset. I’m being upset by things that are essentially invisible to me.. why are they allowed to do this to me…they aren’t. I need to get rid of all of them. There are too many.” And with that, my solution is to drink water. I tell myself that if I drink a glass of water every hour that when I’ve diluted the chemicals enough, I’ll stop feeling upset. I’m pretty sure there is nothing actually happening, but it keeps me going, because I cannot wait to drink the next glass of water the next hour and see if maybe that one will be the one to wash away the reason I am upset.
You are a blessing. And I am anxious for all the children with mental illness…because no wine and it seems fewer treatment options.
Sending love your way! I love that song. It helped with my depression after I left my husband. It still helps me when I am not in a good place.
I care. Please keep going until the cloud lift.
(I’m not depressive, but I’ve got kind of OCD that made me go check if titanium was bulletproof. But from the number of hits for that search, I’m not the only one.)
“PPS. If you’ve found something that works for you, feel free to share it. ” This is going to sound really dumb, and I know it’s all the craze right now, but going gluten free seriously eliminated my depression. My depression was never as severe as yours, but it was there, constant….I didn’t even get rid of wheat to get rid of depression…I thought my mood was just who I was, something I would have to live with. I did it for digestive issues I had. Once the wheat went away, so did the digestive problems and as a bonus, the blues. BTW, gluten is also linked to autoimmune diseases like RA, MS, or Lupus. If you’ve not tried it, just try it for a few weeks. If you see no improvement, no harm done…go back to the wheat. I have never been one to do diets, but I was so sick of having digestive problems that I figured it wouldn’t hurt to try it. Wheat is no longer a part of my life and I say good riddance.
Yeah. All that, except replace ‘wine’ with ‘amaretto’. Especially about the music. When my daughter died in January, I thought, “Dear gods on every plane, how am I going to do today, this hour, this minute??” I was so broken. I’m still broken, but differently. Not necessarily less, just… differently. At our last concert, my chorus sang the song I bought for them, the song that I’d dedicated to my daughter, the song she never got to hear us sing (except… I’m not the only person who swore she was at the concert that night)… it’s appropriately called “It Gets Better.”
I’ve had good results with Wellbutrin. It’s a tricyclic so it can be rough on the liver so you may not want to try it because wine, of course. I like it because it barely has any side effects (though I get massive dry mouth so I always have to have beverage within reach at all times. Seriously, ten minutes between sips of something – anything – is an eternity.) But no zombie feelings, no weird thoughts, no physical side effects (like low libido.) I honestly can’t tell I take it. Kind of like your search for an effective RA med, it’s like that with psych meds. The docs get to play “chemistry set” with you for a while (sometimes years) to find the right one or ones to get and keep you right.
Oh Jenny. I love you so much. What’s awesome about us is that there is someone always up when you (general) are down which means there is always someone waiting to hold your hand when you emerge from the tunnel. Or to drag your ass out of it if you need it. Thank you for your open and honest writing. Thank you to everyone here who holds someone else close until they feel better. Love to you all.
Emergency Puppy for everyone, but especially for Shelle, who commented above my first comment:
https://twitter.com/EmergencyPuppy/status/344897252701126656/photo/1
You are so brave.
Music is my drug as well. I listen. I sing. Sometimes even in key. I listen loud. I sing louder.
Great post. Honest. Painful. Helpful. Depression does lie and will win if you believe its lies. So, other than the minor distraction of having to look up miasma, I loved this.
Thanks for this post. It’s nice to know I’m not the only one struggling. Music helps me too, and this song is my go-to:
http://youtu.be/6ZNw1s5eD9c
What a great post Jenny. You are amazing. A Wonder Woman. It takes superhuman ability to go outside when under this kind of dark cloud. Thank you for sharing. Your writing is the drug that works wonders for us. Please know how much you matter to all of us.
Depression DOES lie. I fight it, too. I try not to listen to the lies. When the day is good, I have learned to revel in it. When it’s bad, I remind myself over and over that it is only temporary.
For me, when I have to fight depression’s lies, I grab a notebook and start writing down the things I know to be true. Like how I know my family loves me. Like how I have friends who are friends even when I’m crazy and no fun to be around. Like how there is a pretty good chance tomorrow will be better. Like how I’m smart and funny and the world is damn lucky to have me. There are so many wonderful truth I usually get a hand cramp from writing before I actually get them all on paper.
The world is damn lucky to have you, too, Jenny. You can put that in writing.
Oh Jenny I’m so so sorry you’re going through this. And I know there will be a million people chiming in saying you’re not alone. They’re right. You’re not.
And the crappy thing is sometimes you have to give in to the depression, but only if it means you really feel the need to be by yourself for a while & not shower and watch 18 episodes in a week of one tv show. THAT IS OK.
I’ve dealt with my own but it’s mainly due to feeling unable to be who I wanted to be. The let down that my life got derailed by an illness & I let this illness mess with my self-confidence. My eyes are having serious issues. I’ve had MS 24 yrs and now it wants to be mean. So I had to start a drug this week for it that has had me so exhausted & depressed the last two day that TODAY I stayed in bed until 2 when my mom realized how bad I was & came to get my youngest from me. Then I cried some more. Then showered. And ate food. And made myself talk to someone I had been avoiding.
And I felt better. Slowly but surely. I’m still depressed though that I can’t do so many things I used to be able to.
So for me it’s usually wine but apparently I can drink some just not get really good & drunk anymore. Otherwise it’s music. Or just reading. Or stalking people on the internet(I kid I kid).
You will be ok. We’re all here for you. You opened up yourself & your heart to us through your words so we’re all offering ours to you! Feel better please!!
You are awesome, you matter, and you are loved. That song gives me hope and strength, when I need it the most. I’m glad it helps you, and I’m equally glad you’re starting to feel better. Btw, another one of your “depression lies” posts (video post from last year), literally saved my life. And I mean literally. There are not enough thanks that I can give you. Sending gentle hugs, and a ton of gratitude.
I just want to give you a big *hug* and everyone else going through this. I don’t have depression, but I do have mild anxiety, so I know some of the feelings that happen with anxiety also play out in depression. You have shown time and time again that it does get better and that people care. 🙂
as I am finding myself starting in on a depressive state after YEARS of not having anything more than one day of being “blue” right around my period, I needed to read this. Thank you for sharing what millions of people go through daily.
Internet love.
I can relate to this so much. Aside from the rheumatoid arthritis, because I don’t have it (though I have a condition where I ocassionally shit myself, usually not in public (that’s kind of similar right?)), and the wine, simply because my friends drink when they’re sad and they either get all weepy or all apologetic.
I’ve actually tried to write a short fiction piece based on my despression/OCD. It turned out terrible, but I guess that’s just reflective of the experiences it’s based on. If anyone asks, I just tell them it’s meant to be like that. Oh dear, I think I’m rambling on now. Sorry.
Anyway, thanks for this post Jenny, I can always appreciate and relate when people talk about pushing through the lies and finding ‘the lifts’, even if they’re only for a few short hours.
Big Big Big Hugs to you…. You are awesome and wonderful. I love you and my kids love you. They always remember the time they finally met you in person and met Copernincus too.
I started having my first epic panic attacks last Friday, and I started taking my first prescription anxiety and depression meds on Tuesday. You have perfect timing with this post.
Take care.
Your two words, Depression lies, saved me. I passed them on. They saved a friend. I blogged about them. Maybe they saved more people that neither of us have ever met. Your experience… it resonates deeply. You change the conversation. For me, personally, selfishly, I am beyond grateful.
I work with the severely mentally ill and I see mental illness in every shape and form and color affecting so many people in so many ways on a daily basis and I know my own private struggle with anxiety and depression. We’re here for you. This too shall pass.
Sending you strength to get through this rough patch. I’ve been there. Unless you’ve experienced depression, you just don’t “get it.” I get it. I’m sorry you’re going through this and pray it passes very soon. Deep breaths, sweet girl.
To Jenny and everyone out there suffering with mental illness: even random strangers are here, and we care! Hang in there, and know that there is help available.
I literally beat depression out of me! I found working out keeps my mind from going “dark”. I’ve been happy pill free for over 3 years now. I started with walking, turned it into running, joined a bootcamp class with friends and a year ago I found Tri Athlon training. When that fails.. I turn to wine….. 🙂
You inspire us Jenny.. Thank you!
Thank you.
Thank you for writing this. I haven’t been in my dark hole for a couple months now so I can attest that it does get better. I can also attest that depression lies. I’m so glad I didn’t listen.
Somehow you manage to muddle through and keep producing. That speaks volumes about the strength of what you do.
Writing, especially comedy, is an artform. Art isn’t easy; if it was, everyone would do it. You just happen to do it exceptionally well.
From strength to strength, Jenny.
I know you tweeted the other day that there must be something in the air and I think you are right. This isn’t the worst I have been (a few years ago my migraine meds and the depression meds conspired with each other and I would just sit around irrationally thinking I should kill my self. Now they have a warning on the commercial about your migraine med when you take Cymbalta) but it I have been suffering the last few weeks as well. I have to remember to tell myself it’s no ones fault, not even mine. Some days are better than others, Sunday you couldn’t even tell. Then they was Monday of which we don’t speak. But I know it will pass, or I keep telling myself it will untill it does because it has before. I make goals and I don’t beat myself up if they aren’t met and I make it through the day. Because that’s how I have to do it. To anyone else out there that’s suffering I WILL see you on the other side.
We care!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You’re awesome, Jenny! All the parts.
You go girl, keep up the positivity. And thanks for the reminder that moods will change, we just have to be patient. It can be challenging to remember that. And in my case, it’s not wine, but bacon. Because BACON.
When my PND got really bad, the only reason I survived to get medication is because I chanted “Depression Lies” over and over again. You did that for me.
Depression lies. Depression LIES. We care and you make my world better by being in it, and writing things that resonate with me.
I’m right there with you. Struggling right now…something that feels like it won’t go away no matter what I do. I don’t like that you are struggling but, as I’m sure you already know, you’re not alone. I don’t have a red dress, but I wore my red “Fruit Loops” t-shirt today, realizing way too late that it was not even funny that I had grabbed that shirt without thinking. Labeling myself so others don’t have to, I guess. Hugs and love and support and stuff.
I just want to say that I love you. I love reading your tweets and your blogs and I would be super sad if you quit. I get the days you can’t, I have those too and I struggle to take care of not just myself but also my two babies, 2 1/2 and 8 months. There are days when I feel accomplished if they’re fed and changed on a semi-regular basis throughout the day.
So, for what it’s worth, and without being creepy or weird, I love you.
Depression sucks. Sometimes I just think…why aren’t my meds working….did I forget to take them? And you just keep going and still feel depressed and keep wondering. I <3 you and your blog and you make me feel less depressed 🙂 I saw a metal chicken on pinterest the other day that made me think of you. And I have a little rooster outside that I named Beyonce because of you 🙂
We are worth it!
Thank you. I am bookmarking this post so that the next time I backslide I can read this and remember that on that particular day I felt good. And that the horrible feeling of hopelessness WILL pass. Your posts about depression have been lifelines to me over the past 18 months. I’m on an upswing of 6 weeks of good. Here’s hoping it lasts. 🙂
I most likely have PMDD, or PME. It is getting harder and harder each month to remember that I will come out on the otherside. We’ve taken to planning life around my menstrual cycle, because from a few days after I ovulate, until my period, I am sucked into a vortex of worsening mood and depression. I am glad that you are still here, and still posting openly about your struggles. It helps to feel like I am not alone.
You said everything that I feel when I’m in that hole. You are so loved, and we are not alone. Keep on truckin’, girl, it won’t last forever. Much love to you tonight!
Thank you for sharing. I am lucky in that I don’t suffer from depression, but there are many people I care about who do. People like you, who share their experience and encourage others are a Godsend. You are wonderful!
Here Here you speak the truth…there is light at the end of the tunnel we just have to hold on and wait for the depression to pass…I love to take nature photos and getting outside and walking helps me!
Wine is awesome. And so are you. And depression totally sucks and lies like a lying fucking lier! Please keep slogging through and post whatever you think will help you through this horrible patch. I’ve been there, i’m terrified of returning there under no power of my own will and I absolutely adore you and wish I could make your struggle easier, *super huge hugs*
*sending a patronus your way to help change those fucking dementors away*
Oh and for me, it’s Ryan Adams, a hot bath, and crying it out.
Oh one more thing!
The writing thing you mentioned? Yes and a thousand times yes. Right now there’s so much I want to write about but can’t(some due to fact that it deals with a very painful but personal situation for my extended family & it’s not mine to talk about but it’s just awful) so instead I stare at the computer and wonder what to do.
Plus sometimes I don’t want to write things that are really sad & angry all the time(I do angry more and more lately) but really, that’s all I got folks. Life isn’t always sunshine & unicorns. And permanently peppy people frighten me.
Great post. And I am sending a virtual hug your way. I’ve struggled with depression off and on over the last 12 years, some years better than others. This year is the first time I’ve really addressed the issues that were keeping me down, it’s not a quick fix but allowing myself to feel, truly feel, has been amazing.
PS. Your book is our book club pick this month….I’m about ready to pick it up for this weekend to read. 🙂
Yes. Yes to everything. So many words trapped inside because it’s harder to breathe than to think, much less write. But I remind myself to breathe. And I (try to) remind myself it’s a lie. And I remind myself that I’m not as alone as the lie is telling me I am. Thank you for doing it for me today.
Thank you for this and all your posts. They always seem to come at the right time for me. I’ve been here off and on for several weeks now. And the logical part of me knows it passes but it doesn’t feel that way when you’re at what you think is your lowest. I’ve never gone to anyone professionally because I’m almost afraid of what will come out of it but I’ve seriously contemplated it these few weeks. After this, I think it is time. Thank you.
I am here keeping you company, as are all these other people.
For me, this go round, it has been Phosphorescence, Song for Zula.
http://youtu.be/ZPxQYhGpdvg
Days ago my probably bipolar but could be just a downright cunt aunt i live with in the common house i share with my 89 year old lola did not let me in and i spent 8 hours in a motel and ive been days away from medication jovia and lexapro. I feel fine today and you guys will be too
(Call your pharmacy. Lots of times they’ll give you at least a few days of free pills in emergency situations like that. Sending love. ~ Jenny)
You know. It’s crazy. I’ve never met you, chances are good, I never will. Still, when I read your blog at times like this I feel like I know you, and it sucks knowing you and not being able to help you, even though I walk much the same road. Less depression, more anxiety, but still it is often the same path. Still, you have been a help to me over the years, that so simple, but oh so true statement you keep making ‘Depression Lies’ is like a tiny spark in the darkness. Then as things get better, it’s like drawing closer to that spark and finding it is a candle in a window, shining out to lead us all through. You may not see it through the darkness, but when you get close, there is a room full of us, all brought in out of the dark, all welcoming and loving, and glad to be there, even if we can’t stay forever. Thanks for keeping that candle lit Jenny, and maybe some of us can light one for you.
I’m right there with you, although mine is situational with the loss of my son. I THOUGHT I was doing okay, until I knew I wasn’t. Didn’t sleep, shower, brush my teeth. Couldn’t care less, either. We just added a new med today, and I am hoping that will help. It is nice that you can be so open. I try so hard to be strong, but find myself too cocooned. Just breathing takes so much energy. I finally decided to check my email today after a VERY long time, and saw your post. Thank you.
Same song for me, but the version from Pitch Perfect. And in my version, I sound just like those girls. And yeah, sometimes showering more than once a week totally sux
Glad you are feeling better, and thanks so much for posting about depression (and helping to remove the stigma). Just be careful with the wine as it actually can cause depression or worsen existing depression. But a glass here or there with friends is quite nice, isn’t it?
Keep on fighting it, Jenny. And if they never find a drug for you, I think you’ll still be able to more easily come out of these periods…because wine. And because you know depression lies, and eventually, you’ll stop believing it entirely. And it won’t have a hold any more. Of course, that may coincide with the onset of dementia, and you just forget you’re depressed, but hey – whatever works, right?
thank you for sharing. as much as i want you to feel better, it makes me feel better to know that i’m not alone. so if you want to know what helps me, it’s your blog. and allie’s brosh’s hyperbole and a half (http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/). and seamus gallagher’s amajor7 tumblr (http://amajor7.tumblr.com/). and the writing of kristen forbes (http://krissymick.blogspot.com/)
i’ve also been reading louise l. hay’s “you can heal your life”. a little woo woo but i love it.
“the holy man” by susan trott is my favorite book of all time because it makes me feel hopeful and good.
wellbutrin really works for me when i can’t do it alone anymore.
i live for those moments when i get to feel human again, rather than the rock bottom sads and chronic apathy of depression.
hang in there jenny, and i will too.
There aren’t always the right words for what we want to express, but if it helps to know that you have my well wishes, prayers, and support, then know that you have my well-wishes, prayers, and support. You, and everyone else fighting this battle.
Dance has saved me. It became my reason not to self harm and I am forever grateful to the amazing studio owner who lets me be the old lady I the teen dance class and be on the team and create my own solo for competition.
The other thing that saved me is a magical place called CPC counciling center, it was there I found support and a social worker and a psychiatrist that got me the right combo of meds and into groups with people with the similar mental health issues. And they took me on a patient without me having any health insurance. I owe them money but they still treat me, help me, talk me through when my anxiety gets so bad that I feel like I can’t function. My treatment team has been amazing. I’m 1 year, 2 months and 28 days without self harm. I made friends there who know that sometimes it’s
ok to just have someone sit next to you and be there without really talking because its proof we aren’t alone.
I am all about the right drug to help figure it out. This time last year my son had spent 65 days in a mental hospital and we were told he would need to go to a residential treatment center. My husband and I protested, took him to a new school where the psychiatrist rediagnosed him and changed meds. After innumerable doctors and medicines for the last 7 years now, he is happy and stable, no longer overweight, and has made honor roll all four quarters. Don’t give up hope, the right medicine is out there for you, too.
I’m right there with ya, and despite the angst and anguish and anti-sensation… we rock. I watch this when I feel down. http://www.wherethehellismatt.com/ Why? Because silly dancing.
It occurs to me I may have already posted this here. Well, it deserves multiple postings – maybe someone new will stumble upon it this time. And be caught flapping about like a fool by their best friend / life partner / significant other / gold fish / scandalized mother and be given the opportunity to stand their ground and shout to the heavens, “BECAUSE WINE! BECAUSE SILLY DANCING! DEPRESSION LIES!! WOOOO!”
Anyone NOT inspired upon encountering such a spectacle… well, I think they have it worse than we do 😉
Lots of work in mindfulness therapy has helped me. Ride the wave. Nicely said and your (uncharacteristic, lol) openness is always appreciated.
Enough sleep, eating paleo, mindfulness, music (playing and listening), twitter, writing, children, family, friends, therapy (especially CBT and/or EMDR), drugs, my dog (probably the most, tbh), quiet walks with my dog, my dog’s ears, my kids needing me to function, my husband babying me when I need it, sex, books, sex books, breathing, getting older, time. It’s always something different that works, but there’s always something, even if it’s just waiting.
You are stronger than depression.
*hug*
I also suffer from depression days upon days, will have great days upon great days, then the cycle repeats.. then sometimes I’m fine for months on end… and I also go to music to help me. While this is a beautiful version of this song.. I have a more fun one you need to watch.. it will make you want to get up and dance.. I love Within Temptation and they did a cover of this song and the video is awesome.. get up and dance OR sit in your chair and dance.. either way.. it will make you happy, I watch it often.. it makes me happy! Watch it.. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K1njYUrHkww
I have been diagnosed with a couple illnesses since they decided that I wasn’t just a sensitive child. Clinical depression, then bi-polar disorder, until I read the criteria for borderline personality disorder, and got goosebumps. I read things people had posted about it that could literally have been stolen out of my journals. By the time I found this out, I was 40. I was over believing that everyone else had the problem. I have been on every medication they ever wanted to try out. I have finally found a combination that works for me. At the depths of my depressions, I was able to get from the door from work (and yes, I tried to work!) make-up off, contacts out, and in my bed in about 3 minutes. I had dirty dishes that I hid in the refrigerator before it got so bad I didn’t care what my mom thought, also in the oven, piled on the table, and filling both sides of the sink. The dirty clothes raised the level of my bedroom floor by 2 inches at least. I guess the point was that there is a way out, but you have to go through to get there. The mood stabilizer, Trileptil, that I’m on is amazing. I am not a zombie, I get to have emotions while not being ruled by them, and I have few side effects. Welbutrin, while it is so expensive that they must make it out of powdered unicorn horn and liquid platinum from Mars, is a miracle pill for me, and Xanax helps when I cannot avoid dealing with my mother. I have a job I love, a dog I love, and peace; well, except for my mom. LOL. Nothing is perfect. But it is possible to do better than you ever thought you could.
It’s actually “because wine not?”
I love you and I love this post and I love this song. Why then, am I feeling sad and lacking… that I don’t and never will have those incredible, full lips. That mesmerizing voice. That youthful and beautiful face.
Oh fuck!!!! this is all about NOT being depressed! About doggy-paddling until you bob up again; up above the heavy, deep water of depression. OK, I get it….breathe. All is well. Everything is as it should be. Grateful for what is.
Thank you, Jenny.
Thanks, as usual, for sharing your challenges. I’ve been going through a bit of a dark phase myself and I am in the process of slowly dragging myself out of it. You’re so right about trying to hold onto those moments of feeling human again. They are what push me on.
Keep REminding Me….And I’lL Remind You…..
Its Been Screaming Loudly Lately….
Hang in there Jenny…I was a hot mess for a few months this spring myself and after a small medication tweek, a little bit of “Rocky” theme music and an encouraging montage of me picking up the pieces as my head cleared, I am back and feeling better than ever. The lesson for me and anyone else who might be listening…walk, run (or crawl if needed) to the doctor..they can sometimes actually help…even if you are convinced, like I was, that they can’t. And tell your people how you are feeling…and they will remind you that, like all the other times, there is a way out! xoxo
what they all said. <3
#71 – Shelle, all of the comments have wonderful suggestions. I, unfortunately, don’t have anything specific to add, but I wanted you to know that you’re NOT alone — we’re all here with you. I’m sending a virtual hug your way! <3
Because wine. Exactly. All my best and worst stories either end or start with that.
I’m still praying for that one perfect drug or drug cocktail that will make me quit feeling like I’m underwater. Here’s to hope.
Because wine.
I don’t like people in general, but you? I like. I hope you feel better soon.
Thank you for this post. Fell into the pit nearly a month ago now. Started with the death of my grandmother and then was followed by an avalanche of other shit. I don’t know about anybody else but hearing these things from a “stranger” (at least for me) seems to help more than hearing it from friends and family. It keeps lying that they are only telling me they care and it will get better and everything else because they are my friends. They are just saying it because thats what you are supposed to say when things get bad. But it’s not the truth. They are just saying it because that’s what friends are supposed to do. When it comes from someone that doesn’t know you, and is dealing with it too, that has no reason to blow smoke up your ass these things seem to carry more weight.
Haven’t had a moment of feeling “normal” again and at this point it feels like this hell is what my normal is supposed to be. And it certainly doesn’t help when I try to let some of this shit out and try to talk to people that do care I get mocked and laughed at by one shitty heartless little bitch for being “an adult acting like an angsty teenager” because she has no fucking idea what this shit feels like. And right now that one nasty bitchy little comment is doing more damage than all my friends trying to help is doing good.
Feeling human again hasn’t happened yet. But when you say it’ll happen it feels a bit more true. So thank you for this.
I love that song.
You are such a valuable human being, whether you feel good or bad. Your bravery has helped so many of us, but we don’t need you to be strong. We just need you to be you.
I’ve read over a hundred comments now. I’m pretty much bawling. But the best part? I can’t tell which are the sad tears and which are the happy ones. That means the good outweighs the bad. No lie.
What often helps me at times is a movie or TV show from my collection to fit my mood.
Comedies/rom coms when I need a laugh (Dave, You’ve Got Mail, Blazing Saddles), action movies when I want to feel empowered (Laura Croft Tomb Raider, Spiderman, Buffy the Vampire Slayer – I just rewatched the entire series), or a drama when I need to cry (Phantom of the Opera – with Gerard Butler, An Affair to Remember, Pay it Forward).
Hugs!
Thank you for sharing your life with us. I’m bipolar & tend to have more lows than highs. I was diagnosed in 1995 and it’s only the last 2 or 3 years that I’ve been relatively stable. But, there are still days when all I want to do is stay in bed & make the world go away. There are still days when all I want to do is cry because I feel so alone (like the last few days). You remind me all the time that while life might suck at this very minute, it’s not all bad and that laughter – especially the ability to laugh at yourself – is the best medicine. I hope you feel better quickly, Jenny.
Its music here too. Music is good for the soul. This seems to be a rough time for a lot of people. Hang in there!
Love and hugs. Jenny, your words have helped me out of many shitty moments. Thank you.
Every time I hear from you about your depression, it reminds me that I’m not alone with mine. And every time, I thank you. I want to thank you again for sharing your life and your honesty about yourself and where you are. Thank you.
*hugs* I care about you! 🙂
Music here as well but I also try to avoid too much wine, rum, cider, bourbon, chips, pie, raspberry truffle ice cream (O.M.G), and bread, bread, and more bread. You know what would be lovely? If there was some kind of exercise that had the same effect as warm fresh white bread with butter and homemade peach jam. Just saying it sista’…hang in there.
Music. Music and the ocean are what bring me solace through the darkest times. Something about the massive body of water in front of me brings me peace. If the waves are calm and gently lapping on the beach, they soothe me; If they are loudly crashing on the shore or against the rocks, they help release the darkness inside of me. And music … well, without it, life would be a lot darker. This song in particular, http://youtu.be/Vh40ekXoPio, helps to remind me that This Too Shall Pass.
Jenny, know that your courage, honesty, and humor inspire and bring joy to so many of us. When the days are darkest, look for the smallest victories over that lying bitch Depression. Baby steps until you wear that bitch down and beat her back again.
This too shall pass.
Abilify has saved my life. Not with anything else…alone. Because my nurse practitioner believes in thinking outside the box when nothing else works. Hugs and thank you for the reminder to breathe. There is a new song out with those exact words (http://www.invubu.com/quotes/songs/show/Nicol_Sponberg/You_Are_My_God.html). Breathe in…breathe out. Yup, some days that is all I can do.
((hugs)) I feel like I could have written this post.
For what it’s worth, I think you’re amazing. Depression Lies is a huge velvet banner carried into battle every day. I tell myself anxiety lies too. Especially when it hits me in the middle of the night and there is no one to call but the nurseline. And I explain I feel like I’m dying, but I know I’m not, but it feels like I am and it’s so infuriating to have the knowledge of what it is not matter a hill of beans and if they could just be on the phone for 15 minutes until my medication kicks in, it would be a huge help to me. And bless them, they do.
Music is my favorite thing. I wear my iPod and thanks to BIGBANG (Korean Band) and the Clash and Acid Black Cherry I can go through the mall. And I’m out among people, but not overwhelmed by them.
Giant hugs hun!!
For me, my depression and paranoia was because my hypothyroidism. Luckily, I am “cured” through my thyroid medication. But, I still have days (even as long as a week or so) where I feel myself dipping back into that cesspool of self loathing and darkness. I am damned lucky to have a family that understands and a son who, at 17, is still willing to give his Mom bear hugs (though darn near bone crushing, they also shine a light for me!)
I am glad that you, and others talk about it. It really helped me when I was at my darkest, wondering if I would ever be healthy (other issues with my lungs). Find your light and it will guide you! (Music, family, whatever works!!) You have us all waiting, and shining our lights!
Thank you for being strong, for your weakness, for your beauty, but most of all, thank you for speaking out and giving hope to others!!
((((HUGS))))
* Yes I know this post is sappy and corny as hell, but I am on the climb out (at the top now), and I tend to get all “fancy” with my words. *sniff* And emo!
I admire your braveness everyday. You inspire me. Keep breathing. Keep hoping. Keep fighting.
I wish I had thought to show my brother your posts about Depression Lies. He killed himself 3 weeks ago and my heart is broken. I have been unable to anything since then (leave the house, shower, talk to anyone – they all say something stupid that just pisses me off instead of making me feel better). I LOVED my big brother with all my heart and I just cant imagine his pain. Fucking depression. Im pissed.
(Pissed is good. It’s one of the stages of grieving. And I’m so sorry. I’m sending you love and peace and I wish I could just fix everything. ~ Jenny)
The simple fact that “depression lies” is what keeps me from doing something stupid during the worst of a depression bout. I cling to it. And music definitely helps…one song especially, Every Major Dude by Steely Dan. Thanks so much for making me laugh and for being brave enough to share what you did here. I don’t know you but I am sending you a very big hug.
Baby, you’re the greatest. You reached right in and described “IT” to a T. Not everyone understands “IT” but those who suffer with “IT” were all nodding their heads with you and saying, yup, yup, she says true. True story: I have lymphoma-but-not-aren’t-Ilucky-RA-or-Lupus. And depression. The mental illness has been with me for my whole life, the other, since January. But I’m okay because WINE. And because I have the funniest lymphoma ever (which I am only telling you because I’ve had two glasses on something called “786” out of Sonoma and if you have issues with alcohol, depression, or cancer, I recommend you do NOT live in Northern California because our wineries and craft breweries are serious enablers). So anyway, my lymphoma is called SPTCL, but my friend and I call her “Fanny” because she’s on my butt and I take her everywhere. She’s a little lump and she made me feel like poop for a long time but now the docs in SF are giving me steroid shots to shrink Fanny that make me feel happyyyyy (Monty Python Holy Grail reference intended) and I decided that said shots are going to a.) cause me to lose the 40 pounds I’ve gained from being forced to sit with joint pain and general feeling-like-shit for six months and b.) are going to cause me to act outrageously ridiculous at least once a day and kick depression in the tushy. Now, this is not always possible when in the throes of a nasty depression; in fact, I would probably be quite unpleasant to anyone who suggested you can “talk your way out” of the black hole of depression. However, comma, once the veil has lifted a tiny winey bit, and you start to see the daylight again, take that opportunity to do something completely and utterly ridiculous. Dance to a disco song in the grocery. Kiss the cat. Use circus hand puppets to tell the story of how you met the love of your life, even if it’s just you and the bathroom mirror. Curl your hair like you did in 1984. And keep being the awesome that is you. And thanks for listening to my ramblings. 🙂
For me it is usually music and makeup that helps me get past the pain and the frustration of fibromyalgia with Migraines and IBS. I have started blogging about how makeup helps on my Makeup As Medicine tumblr (although it is slowing going there) and I wrote a post about how your Traveling Red Dress inspired me to start trying makeup to help me feel more bold and confident even when I fell like I can’t do anything.
Hope it is okay to include the link to that specific post here.
http://makingupmymindaboutmakeup.blogspot.com/2013/05/the-traveling-red-dress-and-bloggess.html
Much love,
Elizabeth
i’ve been in a funk for weeks, too. it came to a head the other night. i was curled up on the floor in my room, picking up the chaos so the housekeeper could vacuum and dust the next day, and the dementors were telling me that it would’ve been better for my parents if i’d offed myself in adolescence. that i should’ve done it and spared them. because all i’ve done is raid their bank accounts for cash because i couldn’t make it myself. it sucked. it’s the first time in three decades that i’d not been proud of myself for hanging in there. i wrote this: http://bit.ly/18EkDZg. it isn’t anything i’ve not written before. but i couldn’t go to sleep feeling like that.
(Your blog won’t let me comment on it, but have you considered applying for a scholarship for the writing workshop? They have two available and you have talent. http://form.jotform.us/form/30386715199160 ~ Jenny)
Years ago when going through deep depression I liked to read and listen to very depressing books (Angela’s Ashes) or listen to R.E.M (Everybody Hurts)…kept things in perspective I guess.
Depression sucks. You will get through it.
Hugs to you! It’s hard living with it and hard seeing loved ones go thru it. I try and remind my cousin as much as I can now awesome she is.
I love you and thank you. It’s things like this that help people like us. That and taxidermied animals having conversations.
I wrote a post about anxiety today because my hulk-like anger and manic excitement and bucket-o-tears-drowning sadness is getting out of hand. Because wine always works.
Sending you and all the other people who suffer from the lies of depression lots of healing love <3
I’ve only this year found that I too am officially depressed. Which is so weird because if you ask my friends they’ll tell you I’m one of the brightest, goofiest, happy people they know. But well, apparently that doesn’t make you impervious. Anyways- I want you (and everyone else on here) to know that the most HELPFUL things for ME coming to grips with this were 1) hearing OTHERS talk about it (you would never believe how many people around you on a daily basis are also depressed, I was shocked) and 2) finding and spending time with the friends that tell me “it’s OK to feel the way you feel, just feel it, don’t fight it or run from it” instead of spending time around all the people telling me to “chin up, you’ll get through this, carry on”. I think depression NEEDS to be felt, you can’t hide it or dust it under the mat or it will come back to bite you later. You’re doing the right thing by sharing this with the world, and- you are NOT alone. When you feel sad, own it, wear it, because you will and can WEAR IT OUT until it just feels like last season’s fashion. xx We’re all here with ya. (Oh and 3) finding a good prescription- it is out there…))
I recommend a bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream and a glass of Chardonnay. Chardonnay goes with mint chocolate chip ice cream, right? I’ll check it out for you.
But seriously: hugs to everyone going thru this.
I am here. For as long as you want me, as long as you need me. I’m here.
and wine!
love to you. gentle hugs and wine.
This made me cry. I’ve been fighting this strange shot gun depression lately. One day I’ll feel okay, or one hour a day, or a few minutes a day, and then all of a sudden I’m numb, or weeping, or furious. It’s exhausting. Thank you for the honesty of your post. It lets me know that I’m not alone, and that it’s okay to be a mess…. even if the people that you love don’t want to be around with you’re a mess. I will also find my way out of this, and I will listen to you every time you say that depression lies, even when I don’t believe you I will believe you – because wine :-).
Thank you for this. I needed to hear from someone who has been there, someone who IS there, that it will pass. That ‘normal’ is still out there, waiting for its turn again in my life.
I’m in a pit, but I’m climbing out, too. My bestie has terminal cancer, so aside from acting out our own real life version of Beaches (though I’m gladly forbidden from playing “Wind Beneath My Wings” at the funeral), I move across the country to begin a job and I feel like I’m failing miserably at it because my mind is completely elsewhere. I can feel the depression beginning to eat me and I feel selfish for it when there is someone dying besid me who needs me and not this shell of uselessness. I’m glad you’re in the world cause it makes all of this sound normal, and manageable. Love to you, dearie.
Here in Moore Oklahoma we are fighting the battle daily. Survivors guilt, trauma from the storms themselves and being told by one of my kids today the things he did that day and say and the anguish of a 20 year old man crying and the failure I feel for not shielding THREE of my four sons from seeing things they should have never seen. It’s been a really rough month and a very rough day…I’m on two mess for resistant depression and it still continues to lie. We are taking at rip to camp Saturday for Father’s Day. We have to stop driving by the destruction for a few days, lose the technology and just be still. Your brave posts about depression truly do help.
Quote from A Knight’s Tale – “With hope” always gets to me. I believe we could make it better. With hope……….and wine……….and precious friends. All the best.
I’ve been to wine school and I assure you that wine DOES pair best with nervous breakdown
I’ve suffered from depression for 20 years. I spent those 18 of those 20 years miserable. I finally sought help after the birth of my twins (my second and third children) when PPD sent me further down than I thought possible. I have taken Lexapro for 2 years and it has made a tremendous difference. I can’t even explain in words how much better my life is now.
Severe depression was shocking when I experienced it the first time, except I was depressed so I didn’t feel it. I remember thinking “If I wasn’t depressed, I would be really upset.” I got past it twice. A good therapist and pharmacological intervention until it went away.
Anyone out there who is depressed – to the extent you can feel it, have faith that it can pass. You will be able to feel again. Hang in there and know that there are a lot of us who are pulling for you, even if we have no clue who you are.
Thank you. I haven’t had an hour of “me” in so long that I’m wondering if this version of me has really become me. This depression has lasted anywhere from 14 months to 3 years. I’m exhausted.
I’ve been in a place where/when everything feels bleak, unmanageable, unresolvable. You describe it so well and, event at your most vulnerable, create a mechanism to allow people to not feel so alone or hopeless.
You are, whether you know it, a kind of sunshine. Wishing you light in your own space.
I’ve suffered from depression for years. I always dealt with it. But earlier this year my husband was diagnosed with a rare cancer. Tomorrow I bury his ashes. I don’t think there is a way out of this one. This pain goes too deep.
(You will feel happiness again. It may be a long journey but you are worth it and I bet your husband would agree with me. You must be an amazing strong person to have dealt with such horrible tragedy. Keep that strength up and don’t be afraid to lean on others. I know it’s not much but you’re in my thoughts. ~ Jenny)
P!nk’s “F**ckin’ Perfect” is my go-to on-repeat song when I’m struggling with the self-loathing that often comes along with my depression. Recently, when I was going through a really bad bout, my 12-year old nephew wrote some of the lyrics – “change the voices” “in your head” – on the palms of his hands and took a photo Amanda Palmer style. It made me cry my eyes out, but in the best possible way.
** NOTE: Both versions of the video contain graphic images of SI which may be triggering to some people. **
“Explicit” Version (contains “the f word” in the chorus):
http://youtu.be/ocDlOD1Hw9k
Clean Version:
http://youtu.be/K3GkSo3ujSY
have you read this chick? she’s fabulous, like you…
http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/
Yup. :hug:
thank you for this; i really needed to be reminded about the lying part. thank you.
Thank you for always being the light at the end my tunnel. You’re one of the few people who can make me laugh and cry passionately. You keep it REAL. Love you to pieces!!
*raises hand*
I can’t quite write about mine yet. Nearly. Thanks, Jenny. You speak for a lot of people who can’t. Not because wine but because you.
XXXX
PS I have fucking loved that song since it came out, Sia is Australian and AWESOME.
When you were in Seattle for your signing at Elliott Bay Books I told you “Every time you say ‘depression lies’ you change my life.” It’s true. And I hope that me telling you this once changes your life even for a twinge of a moment of time; depression lies.
I heart you so fucking hard. Your posts like this save me sometimes.
I personally enjoy escapism. A couple hours on tumblr, A few chapters of a really good fanfic or book, the magical world of badly made porno. Anything not involved in the here and now. Then once I reach that numb tired place, because no matter what I end up there eventually; I plan it doesn’t matter if I actually do what I planned what matters is I’m being proactive! I’m thinking about tomorrow. I may not have friends I can call or even confide in when I’m down but I’ve made up for that by facing the world with a uncensored honesty that has started earning me a good amount of respect from my peers they know when I’m weak, when I’m tried and when to stay the hell out of my way. It gives me a sense of control that helps me deal with my depression and occasional anxiety. I done know if that makes any sense at all, sorry. Reading it back I sound a little crazy but I’ll post it anyway.
Hopefully your “eventually” will be sooner than later. The dark pit sucks and I hope light comes your way soon and picks you up lets you dance with all your little stuffed animals. 😉 If you can’t get outside, just sit near a window and try to let the Vit D from the sun hit you. That and Omega 3 can aid in addition to your meds.
Much love and strength being sent your way… we all will be right here when you find “you” again!
Jenny, I wish I could offer some concrete and adequate advice that would help your depression lift quickly. However, I want to make sure you know that you helped me during an absolute shit time. Almost 5 years ago, my son was diagnosed with a life-threatening disease and eventually was listed for a liver transplant. Sometimes, the panic was overwhelming. At some point along the way, I found your blog. For a while, it was the one and only thing that made me laugh. And when I found myself laughing, I would feel like myself again. I’m incredibly grateful that someone like you is in the world. So many people love you to bits. We are all rooting for you.
The way I know a depression is lifting is I am driving and I actually notice the beauty in the world. And I realize that I haven’t seen colors in a long time. The world was grey and I didn’t even notice, because grey felt normal. And suddenly a green tree against a blue sky is astonishingly, shockingly beautiful. Once I realized this, I started purposely checking the trees to evaluate whether I was doing better yet.
Kudos on doing the small things that are huge. No one who hasn’t been there will ever understand how much of a struggle it is to do things that when you are well you do without thinking. No one claps for you when you get out if bed, shower, dress in clean clothes and leave the house to run a simple errand. But it’s monumental to fight every instinct and every catastrophic it defeating thought and accomplish the tiniest victory. Keep at it, and keep checking the trees.
Seems to be the season for bad bouts of depression. I’m having a bad bout right now, and my fiancé is as well.
There is hope, though. I’ve been in treatment for 17 years or so, and the best it ever gets is manageable. I’ve been on innumerable drugs and combinations of drugs, and none of them have worked very well for me. But, I just finished a clinical trial for a new compound, the first of its kind (an m-glu5/3 agonist, for those interested), that seemed to work better than any other drug ever has for me. It’s still a long way from market, but it’s promising and exciting. Very smart people are working very hard to help us.
And in the meantime, there’s wine. And we’re not alone.
You rock, you beautiful, brave, brilliant woman. You will be back, and you will bring others with you.
Omg. I just love you. I had no idea we both suffered from this horrible, life altering disease. I not only have depression, I suffer severely from anxiety. Many nights during a panic attack to turn to your blog. It always make me laugh, sometimes til tears fall. I then realize I’m ok and I’m pretty amazing and the bright side is I don’t have Beyonce at my door to deal with. Lol
Thank you so much for the smiles. And laughs I’ve had thanks to you
always remember this does not define you, only makes you highlighted
Being able to call anyone must’ve felt amazing! Being able to reach out is the first step on finding the light again!! For me Cymbalta, Wellbutrin, my kids and kittens help! I have become a foster for a cat and kitten rescue. Each kitten and kitty I help keeps sunshine on my face. I hold back the dark with three five week old babies tumbling over each other and nibbling my toes. Thank you for sharing your life with us Jenny. You also help back the dark for soooo many of us!! ????????
Really, really, REALLY (times infinity) needed to read this at this exact moment. Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU (times infinity).
Thank you for this. I have just started my journey to wellness after over a yr of severe depression. Took me waking up in the hospital last week to see that I needed help. I can’t do this alone and need all the support I can get and knowing I’m not alone helps. You are awesome!
*waves hand* I care. <3
I’m in a bad way, too. My Dad died in January and Sunday is Father’s Day and goddammitalltohell, I wish everything would just stop and go back to the way it was.
But then I tell myself that, much like It’s A Wonderful Life, my life touches others, even though I don’t always see it.
You’re my George Bailey, Jenny. Thank you for all you do to help those of us going through the darkness.
<3 You sharing your journey helps so many. Advocates like you help erase the stigma surrounding mental illness. Keep on keeping on, you Magnificent VonTrapping Vixen!
I keep telling myself it will pass. I do believe this. I just keep waiting for it to freaking start happening already. Patience never was a strong point, though. Figures.
Knowing I’m not alone can help so much though, and it makes me want to echo it back. To shout it back.
Please consider this a huge virtual hug, Jenny. And thank you so much for responding to my earlier comment I made on another post. Being “seen” felt awesome. Thank you a million times. Take care, Jenny, and everyone else.
Because wine. Because cats. Because books. Because chocolate.
Depression lies!
Thank you, Jenny. Writing has helped me fight depression too, though it can be hard to get some of those thoughts and feelings down on paper, to really look them head on and process them out. Dance has also been helpful. What you’ve shared is encouraging. There’s a strength you pass on. Keep listening to that music. And thanks again.
Shy, long time reader, first time frightened commenter.
Thank you for posting this, Jenny. When I went to see you in Chicago last year around this time, you signed a picture of Ferris Mueller for my cat Loki.
It didn’t seem like much, but the last 7 months I’ve been going through my first RA flare/crisis and the pain mixed with the initial shot gun medicine approach has lead to a painful, sometimes pharmaceutical induced helplessness.
When I can make it to the kitchen and I see the picture of Ferris with your autograph, I remind myself that depression lies. And that cats are fucking awesome.
I am holding out hope I find my own miracle RA drug, because your tenacity and reassurance seem to come when we all need it most.
Sorry that’s rambly, TL;DR thanks for being the shit.
Thank you for this. Especially today. I just hit my call-a-friend-for-wine-day, too. But I moved 3 states and don’t have any friends I feel like I can call yet. But at least the hubby is here and the wine cellar is stocked.
Thank you. I’ve been struggling too. There are so many days when it’s all I can do just to get out of bed and go to work. Just that: get out of bed; get in car; go to work. I swear if I didn’t have work I’d be in the psych ward. Or the morgue. As it is, each night I go to bed hoping that I don’t wake up. But I do, and that sucks.
Yeah music helps me a lot too: I’ve been grooving on the music of Daughter (I just love their cover of Daft Punk’s Get Lucky). Sometimes it’s Merzbow (but that’s not really music). So there is music and exercise and talk and drugs and they do help to distract and reduce the pain, but nothing will change the fact that I’ve nothing to look forward to except crossing over to the other side, which I hope happens sooner rather than later. But I’m not going to “push up the date” so to speak because I’ve seen what that does to other people and I refuse to add to the sum total of misery on this planet. I refuse.
Anyhow thank you. It makes me feel a little less like a space alien knowing that someone besides me is going through this. And besides: whiskey. 🙂
I’m just stressed. But I deeply admire your fighting spirit. You are so strong, and the only writer besides PG Wodehouse and … I don’t remember anyone else who makes me not just laugh out loud but laugh until I literally cry. I took your book to a church retreat last year fergawd’s sake (we’re Episcopalians, so it’s okay) and you made the obstetrician laugh until she cried about the Asian women in labor thing. And by the way, she agreed with you. I admire your writing and outlook so much I talked the local bookstore out of the little cardboard cut-out of the stuffed mouse that I can’t remember the name of because wine.
My son committed suicide when he was 19. I have struggled with depression and the desire to join him ever since. It comes out of nowhere, even when I think I’m happy. But reading your blog helps, so don’t stop.
I understand your feelings completely! There is a heaviness that resonates. I had a piece in Huff Post today that you might like…
We are all here, waiting and cheering.
The only thing I can think at moments like this is:
How the hell does everyone make it look so easy? The overwhelming urge to give up is overwhelming. My daughter could live with her uncle and cousins. My mom would have much more free time since she wouldn’t be nagging me all the time. My boss could hire someone competent.
I always feel so unnatural and out of place. I can’t live like this any more. This isn’t living! I don’t know how. The air is heavy.
When I was 7 years old I asked my mom if God makes mistakes. She said no. I’ve never believed her. I can’t see any other logic. I was never supposed to exist. I wasn’t wanted. I am the product of a rape. The only reason my birth mother didn’t have an abortion is because she found out too late. Only reason.
Yes, depression sucks. I’m envious. I’ve never felt like “me”.
(If you hadn’t have been born then your daughter wouldn’t be here. There’s no way she’s a mistake. You aren’t either. Imagine if your daughter said all of this to you. You’d think she was crazy for thinking you’d rather have a life without her. The reverse is true as well. She needs you and so do a lot of people you haven’t even met yet. Keep fighting. ~ Jenny)
I read all of your post and read (and reread) your book but this post is the most profound thing I’ve read from you. I suffer with depression, anxiety and phobias and my medicine just stopped working for me last spring and I ended up in a php (partial hospitalization program). It was really hard and everything made me sad (I could pull weeds from my yard because who was I to decide whether something lives or dies) or scared (I couldn’t drive, I was afraid to be alone and was afraid to eat). I was put on a crap-load of faster acting medicine while the SSRI kicked in. It was slow and physically painful. I wish I had this post when I was going through it because I can say unequivocally ‘depression lies’. I know it’s easier said than done but I wish everyone who is suffering right now knows while depression is very convincing, she is a lying cold-hearted bitch (I have no idea who I made depression female).
i’m still searching for that medicine too. my biggest hurtle is not being able to afford what does work. ((((hugs))))) btw, you are one of my “happy” places. thank you.
I’m in a pretty low place. I’m glad I read your post. I needed to hear that. Thank you!
My depression and panic attacks are usually mild, controlled pretty well with exercise. I commute on foot at the end of my work day because I live in the most breathtakingly beautiful place on earth (Seattle!) and taking that 2 mile hike up the highest hill every day to come out on top (literally), so I can look over the beauty of my home helps with the perspective. A nice bold spicy Spanish red goes well with depression on the days the exercise doesn’t do the trick.
And this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=740TB17Dsn0
Because WINE and DRAG QUEENS!
Ugh. Been there.
Music. Sunlight. Friends. Wine. Hang in there, gir’friend. Thank you for sharing.
I’m sorry for your pain. You are extraordinary for sharing your depression, for putting words to it and a face on it, and I try to remember what you say – that depression lies. It is my mantra. Thank you for that.
Sending love and virtual hugs, as much as you need. I have an endless supply.
I have printed this post up and highlighted it, and stuck in on the wall by my bed. And I will read it every night before I go to bed. Because I need to be reminded that depression is a lying bastard. And that I’m not the only one struggling to fight this.
I needed to read this today, because I was at the end of my rope. My 7yo son, who has Tourette’s Syndrome and anxiety/depressive problems just admitted to me yesterday that he wants to hurt himself. That ‘the voices are telling him to drop a hammer on his foot several times.’ And it breaks my heart.
I feel guilty that I passed on such terrible genes to him, but I know that I am doing the best I can to help him manage, through his meds, his therapists, and his Karate.
Jenny, you are my inspiration. Stay strong!
You’re not alone, I’m struggling with the same thing. And the last two days haven’t completely sucked. I know what you mean about having a tiny bit of time where you’re not so depressed you don’t want to move.
Hang in there. You are a light in the darkness for me.
Add me to the list. I recently was released from the inpatient unit at the hospital where I stayed a couple of weeks two different times (they released me-I have no insurance-but then took me back in through the ER)
I had ECT six times and when I got out, my husband left me. So I feel pretty much exactly the same as I did before I went in there except way dumber because ECT. Except now I have an excellent excuse for things like I met a man tonight and shook his hand and immediately forgot his name, like in the next 60 seconds.
I stopped wearing my seat belt. I guess that’s more passive-aggressively suicidal than anything else.
I do believe depression lies but I also wonder if we are meant to suffer this way our whole lives.
Sometimes It sneaks up, and I don’t even realize I’m in a depressive episode until I haven’t showered or brushed my teeth for three days (or longer).
I really appreciate your openness in talking about this illness. It is so important to realize that it will pass.
Thank you. I came the closest to ending it yesterday I’d ever been before and part of what kept me going is remembering how you always say that depression lies. And today I’m almost back to normal and can’t believe what almost happened. I learned that depression lies not only about itself but about everything – all relationships, and fears, and anxieties. It confuses all judgments. Thank you for talking about it and I’ll be praying that you’ll be free of it again soon.
Man. I feel you so hard right now. I’m amazed that I can go through the motions of getting to work. That’s about all I can handle. Actually doing work? If that happens, it’s a damn miracle.
I need you.
(I feel unneeded.)
(I need you too. And I very often feel unneeded. Those of us with broken heads have to stick together. ~ Jenny)
I just spent the evening talking to a group of family members who are looking for ways to support their family member living with serious mental disorder. For me, being in recovery, it means a lot to share with others and hope they find something useful in my experience. Thank you for being able to share this! It really means a lot
Finding Nemo helps me. Or My Neighbor Totoro. Simple things that distract me from the black thoughts and give me something lighter to concentrate on. In fact, I knew my husband was the one for me the day that I was deep in and couldn’t find my copy of Finding Nemo. I need it when I get that down…just like I need water or oxygen. And I couldn’t find it anywhere. I was upset and had no idea what I was going to do so I texted him. A half hour later, he texted me saying he was coming over. He had remembered how much the movie meant to me when I’m like that and he’d gotten me another copy, then curled up with me and the cat and watched it with me twice.
Yeah, that helped a hell of a lot.
I love LOVE love you. you are so real and amazing and hilarious and i just love you. you made me tear up with this post. i just thought about how your book is so awesome and made me feel so much better during a super difficult time. thank you for being YOU.
Love,
Robyn
Hi..one of my best friends ran off to Disneyland last week with my other best friend. Since this is usually our trip..we have been going together for ten years..and they decided not to tell me..I am crushed..devastated. one of the reasons was “you are too sad”. I suffer from depression and have lost my mother..three dogs and two of my beautiful horses in the last five years. Even before their trip I w as having a bad spell where I couldn’t seem to get ahead. But each day I get up and put one foot in front of the other for myself..my family..my friends and for my small army if pets. The days where the sun gets through and shreds the darkness are moving and deeply felt. Depression fucking lies..every day..don’t believe it’s whispers.
(If I wasn’t afraid to leave the house I would totally go to Disneyland with you. ~ Jenny)
I got into a huge fight with my husband this morning because he complained that it took me too long to get ready. I told him it only takes me a long time because I hate myself and haven’t come to terms with it enough to be satisfied with how I look on the first or third or fifth try- even if I’m just going grocery shopping. I think I’m ready and then I look in the mirror and have to start over. Sometimes it’s just best to stay home.
Good on you for creating a community for something nobody talks about.
I’m so glad things are looking up for you. You are amazing, and wonderful, and make me and so many others happy to know you exist. If your depression tells you otherwise, it certainly is lying.
Thank you. I needed to read this today.
Music does not help me, it can actually make it worse. When I’m alone and feel like that, I cry like crazy. Like huge ridiculous sobbing crazy. The more ridiculous the better I usually feel afterwards. Just like you, I brush my hair for the first time in 3 days and consider it an accomplishment. I remember to take my meds: Accomplishment. I remind myself that the darkness and screaming in my head ARE real to me but it doesn’t make them RIGHT.
When in doubt watch this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=anoLK7gjMog
A pretty fantastic lady. 😉
Moscato. Definitely moscato. I love you.
It’s fitting that this is the first thing I read this evening- when I got home there was a notice of eviction if my husband and I don’t pay our rent (yes, for June) immediately, which we’re still a bit short on. Part of the reason it’s so tight is because my husband has been pretty much our only income for the past few months because of *my* depression, and his job required him to buy a new computer this month. And of course, just as I’m climbing out of it (got a new Job! More money! Close to home!), the eviction notice to start pushing me back down. Part of me wonders if we should just take the eviction but as I’m also fostering a mama and her kittens for the next couple more weeks, I don’t know who would rent to someone with a total of 5 cats… :/
Sorry for dumping on your comment section, but writing this down is helping me destress, as is even just pretending that someone’s listening 🙂
Hey Miss, I am glad you are feeling a bit better. 🙂 I was in an antique shop the other day and I thought of you, there was a fox stole for sale and the expression on this fox’s face made it look exactly like the character from Ice Age (the one with the acorn?) and I thought I should take a photo of this fur and tag it for you, but then I didn’t and now I wished I had. In the words of my guru Dory, Just keep swimming, just keep swimming. And if I ever see another fox fur with a slightly crazed expression I will ping you on twitter 🙂 xoxox
Many hugs to you.
That was me up until last year. I finally got to the point where I admitted I couldn’t handle my depression on my own and needed help. My poor husband was so relieved. He kept telling me that I didn’t have to spend every day of my life miserable. I just didn’t believe it because depression is an asshole. Still definitely have my down days, but things are way better. For me, what worked was a Cymbalta prescription, then moving out of Connecticut. Also, I worked up the nerve to go back to school and even though I’m on some ups and downs, the downs aren’t as bad for as long and mostly aren’t completely focused on how worthless I am.
So much love for you, friend—for helping us feel like we’re not alone with this jerk, depression, and for just being awesome and weird and funny and you. I just recently added a new med for my depression, which I haven’t had to do before, but I could NOT get out of the black hole this time. It really does come down to patience sometimes with finding what works, hanging in there while it does its job, and trying again if it doesn’t. In the meantime, I high-five myself for showering, get excited about silly tumblr finds, and take a lot of pictures.
Exercise! I used to get depressed often, but then found the most effective and natural anti depressant – exercise. Sure it will be work in the beginning, but once you realize how much better you feel, it’s totally worth it.
Thanks for being brave enough to put that out there for those of us who also deal with depression.
When I’m feeling down I like to watch old clips of shows like “Whose Line Is It Anyway?” I defy you to try and watch the Richard Simmonds episode without at least cracking a smile, if not bursting into uncontrollable laughter. The funniest clip is here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m8kHarxkIOQ
Thanks for the reminder that depression lies and that we are not alone in this struggle. xxoo
I love you guys so much.
Thank you. Thank you for every single comment. Even the sad ones. Especially the sad ones. Because it’s hard to write it all out when you’re sad, and hopefully it’s a step toward recovery, or asking for help, or forgiving yourself or someone else. You make me a stronger person, and for that I can never repay you.
It’s so amazing how many lives you touch just because you are willing to be open about something we all hide from. You throw us a lifeline and I sincerely hope you’ve got a lifeline of your own to grab onto. Keep fighting. Keep rejecting the lies. Keep enjoying those unexpected hours of normal life when you get them. And when you don’t, remember how much you mean to so many of us. And when the wine doesn’t cut it, hot chocolate with lots of marshmallows will.
Big hug to you! Before getting diagnosed with celiac disease, I nearly drowned in waves of depression (not to mention sporadic thyroid issues and even neurological problems). Hope you’ve been screened for celiac, cause I’d hate to think that a possible underlying cause of your suffering is being ignored.
Most medical professionals are still unaware of celiac, so it’s significantly under diagnosed. Sad, because it causes many problems, including a higher rate of developing other autoimmune disorders the longer it goes undiagnosed.
Throwing it out there because I think you’re the best!
I wish I had a cure or at least a help. The only thing I can offer is that when I get into a really bad place about my body, which I do all the damn time, and can’t face eating or looking at myself or living in this thing that doesn’t feel like it’s what I was supposed to be, I listen to Tim Minchin’s ‘Not Perfect’. It makes me cry, but in the (rare) good way. Also, I read your blog.
I know that song’s not news to you, but it has resonated so much to me and been such a constant touchstone that I had to mention it. I know you’re not news to you either, but you’re amazeballs.
I’m so proud of you that you found it in yourself to share this with all of us. When I get depressed I can barely see straight let alone write coherently and I’m sure this resonated with a lot of people. It did with me, my friend. 🙂 I pretend I can meditate, but deep focused breathing is really all it is when I’m honest with myself. Maybe one day I’ll get to that “enlightened” meditated state yogi’s talk about, but for now that helps. That and wine. It helps relieve the funk for a few minutes long enough to make that phone call to my mom or get something accomplished until the next wave of fog takes over and then miraculously the fog lifts. One day you won’t struggle with it anymore because you won’t worry over it. It will ebb and flow like everything else in this world. Be well and don’t forget to breathe. 🙂
You are not alone. Yes, it will get better. And it sucks to be in the middle of it. WE are not alone. And it will get better. One thing that I find helps me is to stop eating sugar when I am really struggling. Somehow, just that one small thing (maybe because I can control it?) helps me move through the worst of it. Or maybe, just being a little bit healthier physically from avoiding the sugar helps. Or both? The other thing I do is to give myself permission to do a certain number of things (could be just getting dressed and eating a meal, but those count, too!), and then to not worry about other “shoulds” that I don’t get to. Maybe it’s because I can usually bring myself to do just one thing — and then once I am up and moving I can do one more… But yes, it does get better. Thanks for sharing this.
Thank you for posting this, it teally helps to know that no matter how I might feel, I’m not actually going through this shit alone. I try really hard not to believe the lies that depression tells me, but it’s just so damn convincing sometimes that I just can’t help it. And then it fucks me up even more by turning into anger and I lash out at my poor fiance for no reason and the wonderful man that he is, he just listens to it and doesn’t even tell me I’m being an asshole, just waits for me to be done yelling and then holds me while I cry. Because I always cry afterwards because I know I’m being an asshole and he doesn’t deserve my rage and then I hate myself even more for yelling at him in the first place. It’s a vicious, shitty circle and I hate it!
Thank you, and ((hug)). And thank you for sharing your life with us. My best friend and I admire you and discuss you at least weekly. 🙂 For her housewarming she found a metal chicken named Klepto on her front porch. I’m aiming for the giant metal peacock for my deck! 😀
As my mom would say (quoting John Irving): “Keep passing open windows!”
I know it feels like you’re alone, even if you logically know that its not true. It seems like nobody cares anyways and that things are so horrible that they will never get better. Its like staring into complete darkness and not being able to find any source of light, no matter how hard you try. I’ve been there. But things will always get better, whether you believe it or not, because the darkness and depression is going to lie to you. The only way they won’t get better, is if you stop fighting. You have to keep fighting for you, for your husband, for your baby girl, for the cat with the extra toes.
Nothing has ever really helped me completely, but a few things have helped at least a little. Music is a big one. Especially something that I can play unreasonably loud and just scream along with like an angsty thirteen year old goth kid (ehem, I wonder how I discovered that…) (I’d like to suggest The Call by Matt Kennon and Skyscraper by Demi Lovato, because they have both helped me too.) Another one is writing poetry. 9/10 the poems are never seen by anyone besides me, but channeling the emotions helps. I don’t plan it. I just write and I read the end product when its done.
I think I speak for everyone here, when I say that we will all be here if you ever need anything.
I understand. I can say that having struggled for the last year with overwhelming depression and frustration I’m at a point where the frustration issues are mostly resolved.
3 antipsycotics, one hospitalization for stroke symptoms induced by the meds, and an ongoing argument with the special needs department of our local school district.
My meds have been adjusted (yay), both children are in programs to address their issues (autism and severe social anxiety), and it is summer vacation (I can get better and more regular sleep). I’m ok right now, I know shit will be overwhelming and bad again, but it will be good again too.
For me personally, you have been a bit of a lighthouse. You make me laugh, I’ve read you book 4 or 5 times. I even got the paper version because you added another chapter… and I’m a little obsessive that way.
I really hope things head on the upswing of your cycle soon.
Depression really is a lieing asshole.
But you have a cool job, and we are all hanging on your everyword (no pressure but we care enough to pay attention and there are thousands of us out here).
Hell yes we care, Jenny! Your posts can always bring a smile to my face, even if there are a few tears to go along with it. I really do hope it’s not long before you’re feeling normal again.
I have depression and chronic pain (and ptsd) as well. I get it. I adore you and your thoughts on life. The world would be a much less bright place without you in it. I also get that when the depression hits you/we disconnect with the world and everyone in it. Apathy and whatnot….but wine. Wine! ((((hugs))))) D-0 turn your computer sideways and you can see the tiny wine glass I made there. See D-0 or maybe I am delusional. Whatevs I’m going out for more wine.
I don’t know. I struggle all the time. I don’t have long periods, I have times in the day when I’m distracted, and then it comes back in a rush. I just realized recently it’s been that way since I can remember. I think I can live with it. I have for a long time.
Oh, and Brandi Carlile, That Wasn’t Me.
big hugs sent your way! i don’t have serious depression like you do but i suffer from low-grade constant depression with ups and downs constantly. i have different triggers and become more susceptible when i’m tired and this week has been tiring. i was so proud of myself for dragging my butt out of bed and getting to work almost on time this morning when all i wanted to do was crawl back in bed and sleep the day away. little victories like that make me smile cuz sometimes the depression wins. but today it didn’t!
Hey, Jenny, re: possible suggestions, I’m going to share what I’ve observed in hopes that something might help you or others, ok? Have they checked your Vi D, Vi B and thyroid levels? If not, I’ve known many who have been helped by addressing these when their levels were off. (I know you have RA… Hashimotos is a common auto immune thyroid disease.) Have you been interested in trying a light box on dreary days? (According to Mayo clinic, 10,000 lumens has been shown to be effective – Happy Light is one brand I know folks have used with benefits.) I personally always recommend patients with anxiety and depression abstain from alcohol because it’s a depressant and does not let you get needed REM sleep. (Some may need to wean off under physician’s supervision.) I also suggest they wean off caffeine for two week to see if it helps. (I’ve known caffeine to make some very weepy or extremely irritable, especially at times during monthly cycle.) Two other things I commonly see that contribute to depression is inactivity and controlled pain meds. (A colleague who is a psychology professor with family members with mental illness has done research on the “Pursuit of Happiness” and presented his findings to the United Nations in 2012 – he was asked back. He found the correlation between movement and happiness is so strong, that even fidgeting helps.) I personally recommend lots of nature activities using all senses (well maybe except taste, lol, though sometimes you might be able to do that, too), especially for those with anxiety as, like with meditation and yoga, it helps put you “in the moment,” which is so healthy mentally and physically. Most who have benefited when trying these suggestions shared they didn’t believe me when I suggested them but felt it was worth a try and they couldn’t believe the difference they made. Prior to my current job as mental health therapist, I worked in a psychiatric unit with a psychiatrist who I feel was brilliant at diagnosing and prescribing. I’d be happy to share his contact info with you if you are open to traveling – he’s in Amherst, NY – kind of near Buffalo and Niagara Falls. (I’m a little south of there and it is beautiful here.) 🙂 At the time I worked with him, he also administered ECT (the newer, gentler version). Someone dear to me (my daughter’s very good friend) was in the darkest throes of depression, finally tried it and she’s been managing very well. I’ve heard afterward even colors look prettier, brighter and more vibrant. My heart goes out to you – I’m glad you know to hang in there and that it will get better. (However, it does suck big time.) Finally, we all know laughter is the best medicine and that is something you so often help us with – and for which I thank you. I doubt you truly realize just how much joy you bring to our lives. I hope you feel better soon (tomorrow!) and that joy is around the corner.
Here’s hoping that things continue to look up! ::hugs::
I’m curious if your doctors have tested your vitamin and mineral levels? I’ll explain why: I have Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome. Long story short, my diagnosis was a long, winding road, and I’m still learning about the disease. Along with this, I also have Panic Disorder. Ever since my sophomore year in college (15 years ago), it has been a constant struggle with my mental and physical health. Depression became more prevalent, and I gained weight that I could work to lose, but could never keep off. About 6 months ago, through the Ehlers-Danlos National Foundation, I learned that people with my disease can suffer from magnesium, calcium and vitamin D deficiencies. I asked my doctor to run a test, and sure enough, my magnesium and vitamin D were WAY below normal. I started taking supplements. Now, six months on, I am feeling more like I felt in high school; more like me. The depression has retreated, I’m losing weight without really even trying, and I’m more mentally aware and alert than I have been in a very long time. A nap no longer feels like a necessity! Before I started the supplements, I would never have believed that a mineral imbalance could so significantly influence my health.
I still take my anti-anxiety medication, and I still deal with the pain associated with EDS, but I can deal with that (I have been my whole life, anyway.) And I’m not saying that these specific mineral supplements would work for you (or anyone else), just saying that maybe there is a vitamin or mineral that might help. So ask your doctor?
must be something in the air. I know a lot of folks recently, myself included, fending off bouts of depression.
As someone whose depression kept her from being able to write checks at the grocery store, the fact that you can write this blog is amazing. We’re here for you in depression and out 🙂 Sounds like you’re on the right path. Take care.
For me it is the band 10 Years. I have all of their albums on my phone and when I just can’t do it anymore I crawl under my craft table, lay a blanket of the side, and stay there for as long as my adult life will let me. Even if it just for a few hours a day it makes all the difference in the world. I truly couldn’t do anything without my husband though. He is so patient and so kind. He has put with me for going on 13 years and we are only 31 and 32 so that says something because our generation is all about giving up and our relationship should have killed us by now but we love each other so much that we won’t let my depression ruin our happiness. As The Doctor has said “The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don’t always soften the bad things, but vice-versa, the bad things don’t necessarily spoil the good things and make them unimportant.” So I will celebrate my good things and always remember that depression lies.
Thank you for sharing what you are gping through. I’ve been there much of my life and on and off of various antidepressants. I’m off now and working with a kinesiologist to keep my thyroid, adrenals and digestive systems working properlu. It has made all the difference. It might seem like woo woo, but it has helped me and so many others, and is a good holistic practice. Best to you as you find the sunlight!
I think we need shirts and stickers and things that just say “Depression Lies”
I’m so thankful that you share your thoughts and feelings. It helped me remember that depression is a huge liar.
Dear Jenny: I love you. Thank you.
I don’t usually leave comments but this one got me. Because, you know, wine.
You speak so clearly and wonderfully about that lying bastard depression. Thank you thank you thank you for speaking up. The hope you bring is amazing. <3
I think it was fate that led me to read your blog tonight. For weeks, I’ve been struggling to find something worthwhile to parlay into a reason to keep on breathing and as I sit here writing this, facing another weekend at my Mom’s, who is suffering from dementia, at her sweat lodge, I mean assisted living apartment, I came across your blog post. You used the word “paralyzed” and that’s exactly how I feel every single day. It’s an effort to even want to breathe. Between the struggles with Mom’s dementia and then my own health issues (diabetes, kidney disease, an autoimmune disease with a splash of severe lumbar degenerative disease with a chaser of a 50+ hours per week job), I feel empty and paralyzed. I have nothing left to give anyone, including my husband, my daughter and granddaughter, even my cats. Thank you for letting me see a glimpse of your hope that someday I can be normal again, maybe someday….generally, life just sucks right now, but, this, too, shall pass, right?
Darlin’, you have my heart. Just adding my voice to the symphony that, hopefully, helps.
“When I’m in a depression I want to write about it, but I usually can’t.”
I want to write or talk to someone abthat I’m notout it but I just want to hide. It is posts like this one that reminds me I’m not alone and that it will get better.
we are all shining the light for you, jenny lawson.
full of hope for you, for all of us!
I’m a very young childless 48, my one and only husband of 12 years died May 27 after a cancer battle that lasted less than a month. He was my best friend, and I am supported by family and friends like you can’t believe, but oh how hollow and sad and despairing I feel because I can’t bring him back. I have our doggie, no, MY uneedy-dog-child to keep me going and to love, but I feel so sad, and I don’t want to create a new life without my funny and fun husband, but I have to. Your post gave me hope that maybe I will feel less hollow and alone one day. When he was sick I wrote on The Caring Bridge website and it brought me comfort, but right now it is all I can do to “like” a post on facebook or respond to a caring message with a heart or an “XOXO”. It is literally hour to hour living, with my only solitary “home alone” joy found in the birds and critters and flora and fauna in my yard that we once shared. And wine.
I want to write something about how not only does it lie but depression SUCKS. Its just a shitty thing that happens too often to wonderful people. Luckily, some can find the dark humor in it when the cloud passes, draw strength and give strength. This site and this community is such a breathing example of the principle that when you are weak, you take strength from others and when you are strong you give it back out.
Also, I think that “Because wine.” shirts should happen. And mugs. Because I would totally rock that shit at work.
I want to write something about how not only does it lie but depression SUCKS. Its just a shitty thing that happens too often to wonderful people. Luckily, some can find the dark humor in it when the cloud passes, draw strength and give strength. This site and this community is such a breathing example of the principle that when you are weak, you take strength from others and when you are strong you give it back out.
Also, I think that “Because wine.” shirts should happen. And mugs. Because I would totally rock that shit at work.
you are awesome <3
Good luck, Jenny. I hope you find your way out. I’m tired of trying.
(Don’t give up. Just stay alive, and ask for help. You’re needed more than you know. ~ Jenny)
Suffered from it my entire life, even as a small child I can remember being depressed as early as age 3. My parents just thought I was overly dramatic until at age 19 I almost took my own life. Finally started taking meds that worked and now, at 35, I feel like I always SHOULD have been. Like me, but a more logical version who is much less likely to not go to work for two weeks straight because she’s unable to resurface from under the covers. I still have emotions and a sense if humor but the extremes are gone. But the trade off is I have to stay on meds the rest of my life. Some people can’t handle that thought, but I feel like it’d ridiculous to risk my life because of some silly stigma about being permanently on meds. Jenny, you deal with negativity with humor just like I do, and I thank you for always cracking me up when I needed it. You are NOT alone, and keep trying different things until something works…new drugs come out for depression every day. You are in my prayers. You know, because WINE.
I could have written this entry myself. So accurate.
My body has a lot of issues, and one of them is that it can tolerate very few medications. I pretty much can’t take any antidepressants or other related meds, because the negative side effects are just too hairy and they don’t even really work enough to be worth it.
I HAVE found something that has been working and I’ve made leaps and bounds of progress since I started it: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. I wish I’d discovered it years ago. I don’t have the money for a therapist that does CBT which is how it really should be done, but I’ve been doing CBT on my own with the help of CBT books like “Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for Dummies” and others. And even though I’ve been doing it on my own without the help of a therapist, it has still worked wonders. I can only imagine how much better it would work if I were able to afford a therapist.
Of course, for those of us with depression and anxiety and everything else that is the result of a brain imbalance, CBT won’t make it go away or be a miracle cure. It just helps us learn to change our thinking so that it doesn’t hurt so much, or be so numb even. It makes it a lot easier to bear especially when medications aren’t optimal. That fog has thinned drastically for me, and some days it even lifts entirely, and I am actually, truly happy once in a while. Most of the time I am OK these days, which is a vast improvement over where I was before CBT. I honestly didn’t think I’d ever make it to this point of “OK”. But I did.
CBT may not be for everyone, but you told us to chime in with things that have worked for us, so I did. And maybe what I’ve written here will inspire someone to just give it a try and see what happens, and help them.
Wow. Talk abut a post that I absolutely needed. I wrote a small rant earlier tody to a small group of friends about how incredibly frustrated I am with that my Rheumatoid Arthritis hasn’t gotten any better in the two years since diagnosis. I *also* wrote to another friend about my not-so -good-friend Depression creeping back in and how I was trying to fight it off. From there an odd string of events eventually led me to catch your tweet and thus to see this post … so the Universe, She is ocassionally Good and Kind, somethign I was very much doubting lately. I know depression lies but I ery much needed reminding that people care, and I very much needed hope that both the RA and the Depression will get better. We won’t talk about the Fibromyalgia or the Crazy Cat Lady In Training issues. Because wine.
Thank you for once again sharing what you are going through. I’ve dealt with cycles of depression since I was very young. A few years ago I sought treatment under the guise of PPD after my daughter was born 15 weeks premature. Prozac did nothing but make me fat. Wellbutrin made me almost violently suicidal. Then I lost my health insurance. Bye bye meds and therapy.
I have found that music (Mumford and Sons is my current companion) and exercise are my best medicine, but I’m stuck in a pretty nasty low right now. I know this will pass, just as it always does, but sometimes I think life would be easier if it didn’t pass. There’s a certain freedom that comes with a lack of feelings. It can make dealing with my daughter’s disabilites and behavior issues easier. I just feel numb. If things get really bad, cutting seems to help pull me out of it, but that opens up a whole new set of issues. It’s hard to hide things like that from my husband. We’ve been married almost 11 years and he still doesn’t know how bad things get for me sometimes. I’m a good faker because I can’t stand his hovering and excessive worry. Some things I think he is much better off not knowing.
It’s at least somewhat comforting to know I’m not alone in my feelings (or lack thereof). You are a very special person for putting this out there for all to see. I wish you the very best and all happiness.
80’s/90’s gangster rap. Seriously. I get in my car and put my Public Enemy station on Pandora and just belt it out. The absurdity of a 40 year-old, disabled woman driving through my neighborhood singing Straight Outta Compton can sometimes pull me out of myself. When I can’t leave my closet, much less my house, there’s this site:
https://www.imalive.org
It’s a live online chat and they are fantastic. I can honestly say that they have saved my life. Depression fucking lies, but sometimes it’s all we can hear. Love to all of you who are suffering. XOXOXOX
It sucks. I am mad because I feel like I am constantly struggling and cawing myway thru life when I should be enjoying it.
What sometimes heps? Cuteoverload.com, zooborns.com, adorably squee animals, and my fuzzies. And naps. And some wine. And more cute animals.
My cat, Gus, is currently out cold making little cat snores and that makes me smile.
Smart women with clinical depression. It’s a slog. Uphill, in leaky boots mucking in cold mud.
Thank you for sharing your story. I think you and Glen Close should do a PSA about the lying bastard named depression. I would totally come to Texas to participate in a NAMI Walk with you.
My 19 year old son has Bipolar Disorder Mixed and has been unmedicated for 18 months. He is doing pretty well but there are weeks that go by when he does not leave the house. He has been hospitalized four times and he tried to hang himself with an electrical cord from the garage door rails three years ago. I have sufferred from depression and axiety although not to the extent you do. My mother has multiple personality disorder and I have at least one aunt and one cousin who also suffer from Bipolar Disorder. Thankfully everyone is currently doing very well through the help of medication, therapy and support. You WILL get better Jenny and the world IS a better place with you in it. I absolutely adore you in a totally noncreepy way and I am so grateful for your willingness to share yourself with us. Thank you!!!
There is a phrase I recall from my days as a bible thumper that says “a devil exposed is a devil defeated”. While I am no longer a believer I think tbe principle of the phrase is sound. The more we tell the truth to ourselves and others about what is happening to us or what we are going through the less power over us it has. You can get better, you will get better and depression, like all mental illness is real, is a liar and can be defeated.
Just keep swimming because Hailey, Victor, Hunter S. Tomcat, Ferris Mewler, Rolly, all of your family, friends and fans love you, need you and are rooting for you!!!
Much love,
Rachel
People do care. And we do want to read the angst, if you want to share. *We’ve been there!* For me, I’ll be back there again too. I don’t know when, or where, or how, but depression is a sneaky bastard that always comes back when I least expect it. Currently the drugs, and writing, are keeping me as sane as I can hope to be. It’s not perfect, but its ok. I hope you find the depression magic drug that fixes things for you.
My depression just turned around…yesterday I think. I think it did, it seems like it did. Yours will too. Maybe if I tell myself enough times I won’t forget it next time.
I do understand what many are going through, not nearly as deeply nor as darkly, but I do have an idea of it. Know that as difficult as it seems there are those who are and will reach out to you in the darkness of your cave and at least sit with you there, and when you can they will get up with you and walk into the day. You are loved.
I got a Beyonce, named Sir Jacob because it’s a boy Beyonce. I know exactly how you feel. You don’t know how really awful it is until you start to feel better.
Because wine is the best answer/reason ever, maybe because I drank a bottle of wine tonight. I wish I could help you just a fraction of how you helped me with your truth that depression lies. And, for the record, it sucks ass. I hope it gives you a break for a while soon. I know when I’m really on solid ground when I finally get the give a damn to actually bother washing my face. Probably weird, but there you go. Thank you for sharing your journey with us. You’ve given me the courage to stop being silent about my illness, and I refuse to feel guilt any longer for something I can’t control. Much love and hugs to you.
Try a paleo diet (or at least wheat/sugar free) for a few weeks. It’s making a huge difference for a lot of people who deal with depression and/or all sorts of physical ailments. It’s not to be a short-term diet, but rather a lifetime change.
this song was the right cure for me today. I’m not fighting depression… I’m fighting an asshole, life-sucking boss, trying to deafen my sound and shunning the light out of me. But I won’t fall. This too shall pass. Meanwhile, ‘because wine’.
Had a rough cour weeks too! Have you tried VIibryd? New med for mdd works great for me!
You’re funny, even when you are sad. I think that shows grit. Whilst I love the stories of the metal chicken and the crazy kitty kats, I also adore these posts. It’s both sides of you. I like that. You are good. And loved.
This made me tear up a bit. My step-mother is bi-polar and for the past several months she’s been deep in a depressive state. She called me today to let me know that she had turned a corner and found her kernel of corn (a reference to Allie’s blog post http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/ ) I’m so grateful to you and bloggers like Allie that give those of us that don’t suffer from depression insight into what the people we love are battling against. It’s a big deal. I thank you. My family thanks you. You’ve played such a big role in helping us understand how to help and be there for her. You are awesome!
I have a lovely riesling in a cat, if you’re interested.
My husband is deploying in 39 days. I have been a mess, he is trying his best to be my rock. And I quoted you to him yesterday….Depression Lies.
Thank you for being brave enough to share your truth. You are helping the troops and probably didnt even realize it, or maybe you did. Anyway, thank you. I need this reminder. Thank you for being brave. Something that is said about soldiers applies here, I feel, being brave doesn’t mean you aren’t scared, it means you go any way. This is what I think of you. You’re hero material, lady!
Thank you for sharing your struggle. You are brave and wonderful. Just in case it might help you or anyone else reading, I’ll share what finally helped me. After 6 years of cycling severe depression, three hospitalizations, and two suicide attempts later, a new doctor prescribed lithium. It’s been two years since my last major episode. I thank the universe every night for this wonderful drug that has given me a chance to live again. So, for anyone out there with cycling, bad-nasty depression, it might be worth talking to a doctor again, because you might be misdiagnosed and have bipolar II disorder like me. Take care of yourselves, and you’re not alone.
A block from my house is a big metal chicken on an upstairs balcony. It’s not as fabulous as Beyonce, but every time I pass it I laugh and think of you. And censor myself. Because I don’t want to become known as that lady who rides around on her bike hollering Knock Knock Motherfucker.
(I am going to make myself a KKMF necklace, though).
<3
Sending love and support your way. Thanks to you and others who articulate so well exactly what depression is like, I don’t feel so alone in this anymore.
When I am depressed I watch Ellen and make sure to read your blog daily. Oh, and I take lots and lots of meds. Thank you for just being you each day.
Xoxoxo. Searching phrases on Pinterest such as “hilarity” and “awesome” and “died laughing” can find you some funny stuff. Or stuff that isn’t as funny as the commenter thought, which then at least gives you something to think about that isn’t about you. Sometimes you have to find any thought, no matter how seemingly inane, that is “just distracting/interesting enough” to keep going.
I care. xoxo
Thank you for sharing. Thank you for because wine. Thank you for reminding me that people care about you and me. Just keep breathing and keep calling the bastard depression the liar that it is. Enjoy the moments of coming back to life and allow yourself to descend into the chasm when you must, remembering it can never have your soul and the truth of you. We shall return. Because wine. You are an angel.
I keep thinking I’ve found the thing that fixes me, because I feel better for a while, but then it comes back. So I just don’t know what to say. It just makes me so tired. I am tired of trying to find a way to fix me. And I’m tired of being tired. Sometimes I feel better, but then that makes me anxious because I just scared of when its going to end. I don’t know. I’m sorry. This isn’t really what you asked, is it.
(Anxiety mixed with depression is a special hell and it’s one I deal with too. Sometimes the depression causes the anxiety and sometimes it’s the other way around. It’s exhausting but one day they’ll find just the right fix. Until then? Regular xanax works for me. Also an anti-anxiety depressant and occasionally antipsychotics. Keep trying. If nothing else, remember we’re being awesome guinea pigs and maybe our great grandchildren will benefit from our drug use. 🙂 ~ Jenny)
We love you Jenny! Hang in there! 🙂
Thank you. But I’m done.
My little sister who is all of 22 also gets injections for her rheumatoid arthritis. Your story helps give her and our family hope for her own future.
Titanium was my daughter’s song in the hospital while she was fighting Leukemia. The past 6 months since she died have, well, sucked ass. We will come out the other side. Somehow, sometime. Because wine.
Just to clear things up: You should ALWAYS be proud of showering. It took my husband a while to come around to the idea that showering daily is just a waist of time (wine-time to be specific), but now he’s just so thrilled when I shower. Because Wine!
P.S. I’m pretty insistent that he showers daily, it’s really only ladies that can get away with the every-other-or-third-day-if-I-wash-my-face-AND-put-on-fresh-makeup-shower routine
Doctoryourself.com has some amazing info on various disorders (including depression) and which vitamins help what. Unfortunately, this is information from medical journals which are NOT indexed by the National Library of Medicine, so few doctors know about these legitimate, study-based scientific approaches because big pharma wants to make money off you – vitamins are not money for big pharma. Anyway, there are a million links on the left sidebar and they’ve changed the lives of many people I love. There are links to books by the site’s author as well, and he has written one on curing depression via foods and vitamins.
There may be a doctor near you who can supplement your current healing by advising you on this, and since this type of work is called orthomolecular medicine, look no further than orthomolecular.org to find an MD near you.
I hope you get better soon. I’ve been slogging through myself, and been faking it pretty well, or finding props to pretend I don’t feel so awful and alone. ::hugs::
Google ketamine and NPR. I recently heard a spot on using this drug to treat major depression with amazing results. Thinking of you…
Oh, and I feel you on the shower thing. I think I showered once this week…
Many, many hugs to you. You are not alone. Depression lies and anxiety’s a whiny bitch. What helps – avoid screen time – when I’m in deep anxiety (which for me is worse than my depression), any screen – computer, tv, phone, is toxic. Which I know doesn’t work for your life. But seriously – try to stay away from the screen for at least a few hours at a time. What else – spend time outside. Ok, so you live in Texas and it’s summer – maybe invest in a screened porch? Just somewhere you can be that’s NOT in the cage that the house can become when the symptoms suck, but isn’t somewhere that requires the effort of “out there.” Other things – salt water helps me – do you have a place that helps you? That makes the universe seem slightly less shitty on a regular basis? For me, that’s where I can put my feet in salt water. For you, IDK – taxidermy antique stores? At any rate – you don’t have to find a “happy place” (I fucking HATE that term) – just find a slightly less shitty place. Hugs again. We are here for you. You are important to us. We would miss you.
In approximately 10 hours they will having a memorial service for my ex-sister-in-law. She couldn’t find a light in her darkness. Please know that even in your darkest moments you are so very loved, that your leaving will have a profound effect on so many people. HUGS to all of you. And to Jenny, thank you so much for all that you do. Depression IS a lying bastard, don’t believe anything it says.
therapy, group therapy, homeopathy, accepting the state of feeling down and connecting to where the bad feelings are in my body..what they look like, what color they are, temperature, sensation; journaling, prayer, sleeping, resting, heart to heart conversations have all helped me the most..5htp, dlpa, lithium orotate (all of those are otc antidepressants), fish oil have all helped me at different times. Cocoa products 🙂 reading about other people’s experiences with mood issues and reading about their life stories, expressive arts, crying, taking care of pets. all of those things have helped at different times. sometimes connecting with a deeper thread that’s going on underneath the depressed state. There can be meaning in the darkness. Sometimes though we really need the biochemical support more than anything else. Hang in there. I’m saying a healing prayer for you. (((Take care)))
I post but I think my comments get lost in the sea of humanity here. Nice humanity, tho. I’m creative and haven’t blogged or done art work in quite some time. I feel that if I did try art right now it would just be page after page of blackness. So what’s to say when you’re waking up everyday telling yourself to get up, shower, put clothes on… Blah blah blah. And yes, hoping and trying yo believe it will break because it has in the past.
All of that to say, I get it.
Will always stay and keep you company. Get well soon
You are an inspiration to many
I hear you and I thank you for reminding me and today I reminded someone I love of the same thing. Depression lies.
After weeks of depression, I got myself back about three days ago and it’s been such a relief. I find myself doing as much as possible while my mood is light, knowing how little gets done when I am crushed under my own weight.
Some bad things have happened to me. Without getting into too many details, one song I listen to on repeat is “Silent Lucidity” by Queensryche. If you’ve never heard it, you can listen to it at this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jhat-xUQ6dw link.
Thank you for this post, babe. I’ve been there and done that and have been trying to find a way to say all this to a friend who also needs help. I’ll be sending her this way today.
You rock my socks.
We got you girl. <3
Music helps me too… and it’s crazy the way that it helps me. It’s like sometimes I have to use music to ride the depression dragon all the way to the bottom before I can start climbing out… So my playlist is Leonard Cohen, Pixies, and My Chemical Romance heavy until I can ride out on an upward wave of Mika.
Loved your blog post. I have been up and down that road. I started taking 400mg of SAMe 3x’s a day and it’s changed my life. I hate trying meds for anxiety and depression relief. Google SAMe and Europe. It is a natural supplement sold all over. They have used it with geat success in Europe to safy treat people with drug resistant depression.
Saying a prayer for you and everyone else who’s posted comments relating to you. You.Are.Wonderful and you have so many people who come to you and your writing. *HUG*
My mom has sever rheumatoid arthritis and (I’m pretty sure) undisguised depression. She has been told she has probably had it her whole life, but there was never a name for it. Like her lactose intolerance and depression, there was no recognition of these things as conditions. She was told she was just a “difficult” child who should stop whining–and keep drinking that milk, it’s good for you! My mom works as a nurse with lung cancer patients. She works through the pain. She works when it huts her to move. She works when it is a struggle to get out of bed because she doesn’t believe anything will get better. She does it because she does something that makes a difference to people. That’s something you should be able to relate to.
I lost a friend this week, and none of us really knows why. He felt so alone he took his own life. If he could see how many people loved him, I know he would have been touched. Depression lies, and PTSD definitely lies. Talk to a friend. Talk to a stranger. Talk to anyone. Because you’ll see that the whole world values you and wants you to live. My heart aches knowing I’ll never see him smile ever again, and he had the best smile.
last weekend I had two days of the worst depression I’ve ever experienced. like what the commercials talk about. I couldn’t do anything, couldn’t even want to try. I lay on the couch, knowing with certainty that I was failing my children, my husband, my pets. It scared me shitless. Day 3, and it was gone. Hats off to anyone who deals with this for weeks or months or years at a time. I don’t think I could.
Here is another blogger also burned out….this is brilliant…
http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.ca/2013/05/depression-part-two.html
All so very true. Thank you for this. Music is my therapy too. And laughter. Thank you for providing that on so many occasions. I just found a picture of jesus on a dog’s butt and believe me, that gave me the laugh I needed.
For me it’s not “wine” it’s chocolate. Isn’t there a red dress with hot pink flowers somewhere in your closet? Wear it and drink white wine (so it doesn’t stain) and eat some really dark chocolate and feel all the hugs from your fans.
I’ve been depressed twice and that was what I refer to as “situational”. My daughter had cancer – she is fine now – and now I am in the process of moving my parents into assisted living – Dad has Parkinson’s and Mom has Alzheimer’s. I can’t imagine living this way on a regular basis. I think you and others that make it through are heroes and amazing. You are my idol because I know you face your fears and help others deal with theirs.
I’m sooo glad I read this!!! I’ve been wondering what was going on with me. My usually depression episodes consist of getting upset over every little thing and stuff like that but I’ve just been doing the minimum expected of me and kinda disappearing off the face of the planet pretty much. Now I’m realizing it just might be my depression kicking in again!
These are my fighting depression aids, other than wine…
1. DYAC.com
2. Trololo video on YouTube
3. A great new haircut.
4. MOAR WINE.
Here’s wishing you a short and speedy road back to yourself.
your writing helps a lot of us keep trying to get back to feeling. Thank you.
You give so much to us. I hope all these comments, all these voices, bear you up. Think of your fans as the weirdest set of water wings ever, always ready to buoy you to safety no matter how crappy the pool.
To all, as previously stated, you are worth it. I may not understand all of the pain, but I struggle none the less. My mom, in her attempt to encourage me, reminded me of the “how to eat an elephant” philosophy: one bite at a time. I joke with her and explain that I would rather tickle its tummy and just watch it dance. I like to make her laugh so that she doesn’t worry. But, seriously, whatever you must do to keep going, take those steps. You are worth it. For me I like to read in the book of John and I like psalms and all through the prophets. It may seem crazy to many, but God reaches out to those who cry out. Please don’t confuse my suggestions with religion. Honestly, do what you must, just keep going, Don’t give up! Like in Nemo, just keep swimming. You are wonderful, beautiful, and yummy people. I love each and everyone of you. Jenny, thank you for taking the time to bare your soul so that others could recognize that they are not alone and that they, we are worth it.
12:30 in the morning, can’t find sleep, again. restless and anxious and alone, a year out from the end of a twenty-year marriage – i find you, again. i read, and read again. yes, this beast is a liar. this beast that stole my sister’s breath will not steal mine. i am titanium. i am not alone. i draw deep breaths, again. i will go to find sleep, and rise again with the new day. may love and peace and joy light your way, and mine, again. <3
Thank you. So many struggle. Depression lies – the scary part is how good it is as the dementors suck at your soul. I hope this helps you as much as it helps us. I needed this.
Because wine.
Your ability to share the realities of depression makes a huge difference in this world. You, as usual, rock. Thank you.
Here with you. Keep breathing. It will be okay. It will.
I just keep throwing everything and the kitchen sink at it.
I read somewhere that bananas help.
Yes.
A banana a day.
I like bananas. I’ll go along. Can’t hurt.
I heard drinking orange juice helps too. Okay. I can do that as well. And fish oil. And Vitamin D.
I read that regular exercise floods your brain with all sorts of wonderful brain chemicals.
Sigh.
All right…… (grumble)
And then there’s the Lexapro, of course. I think they may have to pry it out of my hands. My psych tells me that, since I’ve been doing so much better, we may be able to “wean [me] off of it”. Which scares the crap out of me. I’m not sure I’m ready for that.
I have a wonderfully fun therapist with whom I click (who also sees my ADHD son) and she’s got me trying meditation every so often. I used to feel all weird listening to relaxation tapes and stuff like that (often I would get the giggles. Which, when I think about it, is probably therapeutic in itself…) The one she uses is the “Mindfulness for Beginners” series by Jon Kabat-Zinn. The CD is pretty cool; not too…uncomfortable or sappy or anything like that, if you know what I’m trying to get at…I can’t think of a good word for the ones that grate on my nerves and make me feel so…self-conscious….Which is strange to admit, because I guess that’s kind of the point, in a way, isn’t it?
She’s also had me practice to shut down my downward spiraling thoughts that begin with “What if…..”
I’m getting better at it.
And the wine. Ah. The wine.
I have to watch the wine (most UNfortunately…..) A friend kindly pointed out to me that it is, after all, a depressant, which sort of renders my ANTI-depressant moot if I indulge too much.
Which I am wont to do on occasion, since the stuff tastes so damn good.
Someone mentioned regular sleep. Yeah. Sleep is good. But too much can be another story as well.
You’ve helped me the most by reminding us that “Depression is a lying bastard”. Something clicked when I read that. A truth that reached deep into my brain cells and shook me awake a little. So, thank you!
Music does help as well. Whatever feels good to my ears and brain at the time. Nothing too morbid or heavy though. And sometimes listening to Laugh USA on Satellite Radio gets me in a better mood for a minute or two.
I’ll take what I can get.
I’ve become pretty good at distracting my brain to something innocuous and innocent and funny whenever confronted with something heavy and horrifying and depressing.
I used to hate people who did that. Burying their heads in the sand!! I used to rant.
Now I understand what a useful coping mechanism it is. I just get on the internet and search for the good in the world. Takes some digging. Have to un-see some stuff. Whoa! Next!! I keep looking until I find it.
I had a close call with Cancer. I’m still looking over my shoulder, but it did give me a big kick in the rear in the sense that I realized that I really don’t want to leave this world just yet. Of course, that’s not really a technique for overcoming Depression that I would recommend to anyone. I only mention it because it did leave an impression on me that shook me up and out a bit.
I still have my days. But they are passing much easier and much more quickly.
Miracles do happen. They can happen. Being patient is a key ingredient
It helps when you have someone to pass the time while waiting.
You’ve got a lot of people here who will most willingly pass the time with you.
You are doing good. You are doing good in this world.
Things suck, until they don’t.
It’s a cycle we’re familiar with.
And we will stay with you through it.
Here’s to when it won’t suck anymore (as I raise my glass of wine …. and wash down my Lexapro with it… :)…..
Still working on it, as you can see…..
<3!
Hello there. I have depression as well, and it has once again reared it’s ugly head. There are numerous reasons that have contributed, but it’s easier to just say that I’ve had a real shitty few months. When I read Allie Brosh’s Depression Part Two, I wanted to jump up and down and yell “This is me! Someone understands!”. Especially the not wanting to be alive part. Because some days I don’t. (Which is entirely different than wanting to kill yourself, or at least it is in my head.) I do have that voice that tells me everything will be okay and work out for the best, but some days it’s harder to hear than others. I’ve only told one other person exactly how bad it is right now, and that was today to a friend on the phone; I’m still trying my best to fake borderline normalcy for everyone.
I say all this, because yesterday I had that hour or so of pure happiness. That hour was due to reading your blog. My job is currently a phone operator for my company, where I sit in a room all by myself and answer incoming calls for seven hours a day. I know, my personal version of hell. Awesome, right? (Trust me, not my choice.) Anyways, I am able to mute my mic, and it’s a great thing because I was crying while laughing at some of your previous posts. Especially the horse bar stools. It was pure gold.
Humor has always been my greatest defense and release. (Some of your posted ridiculous conversations remind me of my own with my fiance.) So know that while you struggle too, your ability to make us laugh helps in more ways than you will ever know. Now I’m going to go and finally read your book that I’ve had for six months 🙂
Hello there. I have depression as well, and it has once again reared it’s ugly head. There are numerous reasons that have contributed, but it’s easier to just say that I’ve had a real shitty few months. When I read Allie Brosh’s Depression Part Two, I wanted to jump up and down and yell “This is me! Someone understands!”. Especially the not wanting to be alive part. Because some days I don’t. (Which is entirely different than wanting to kill yourself, or at least it is in my head.) I do have that voice that tells me everything will be okay and work out for the best, but some days it’s harder to hear than others. I’ve only told one other person exactly how bad it is right now, and that was today to a friend on the phone; I’m still trying my best to fake borderline normalcy for everyone.
I say all this, because yesterday I had that hour or so of pure happiness. That hour was due to reading your blog. My job is currently a phone operator for my company, where I sit in a room all by myself and answer incoming calls for seven hours a day. I know, my personal version of hell. Awesome, right? (Trust me, not my choice.) Anyways, I am able to mute my mic, and it’s a great thing because I was crying while laughing at some of your previous posts. Especially the horse bar stools. It was pure gold.
Humor has always been my greatest defense and release. (Some of your posted ridiculous conversations remind me of my own with my fiance.) So know that while you struggle too, your ability to make us laugh helps in more ways than you will ever know. Now I’m going to go and finally read your book that I’ve had for six months 🙂
Dude,
It’s a constant battle, this I know. And there are moments of levity. I cling to those like Hooper and Chief Brody clung to that piece of board at the end of Jaws. I’ll hug you if you hug me. We can share the gummy bears.
Thank you sooo much for telling it how it is, my mom and I suffer from anxiety, panic and depression. It is hard for our family to comprehend and sometimes we are left to our own devices, but we push through and give it our all.
Thank you <3
*hugs*
Thank you. It’s amazing how often you’re able to write.
oh!, and I know that I can’t physically be there but I’m always excited to hear from you!
<3
Bless you and everyone going through this. And thank goodness for the RA medicine finally working. I was tested recently for RA but it turned out to be parathyroid related, which has given me osteoporosis, but I still consider myself lucky to not have a chronic disease such as RA. The Rheumatologist told me not to worry if it did turn out to be RA because there are all sorts of wonderful drugs nowadays, blah, blah, some of which are basically chemo drugs. I know she meant well, but I know people who have this disease and it’s awful for them and it takes a while to adjust medicines for it.
So, I’m lucky except for the damage the osteoporosis has done to my bones. But hopefully surgery will cure the parathyroid situation and then I can start on the medicine to try to rebuild bone density. I go to the endocrinologist next week and I’m so scared that rather than doing the surgery to immediately take care of this problem, she’ll want to wait and check Calcium, PTH, and Vitamin D levels for another six months to a year. I’ve already been sick for a several years and the mental confusion, exhaustion, and chronic pain is getting worse with each year. I feel old, useless, and frustrated most of the time. I feel like I have Alzheimer’s sometimes it gets so bad. I have to take pain medicines that don’t help the exhaustion and mental confusion, but do help the pain. Luckily, I have a couple of doctors (well one is a CNP for my pain treatment doctor) who have avidly searched and tested until we finally got a diagnosis. I suspect they will go to bat for me if the endocrinologist doesn’t want to proceed with surgery right away. At least I hope they will. Geez, I just meant to offer sympathy and instead dumped my problems.
So I just whined instead of because wine. Sorry. Chronic pain is awful to live with. Chronic depression is, too. Mix them together and life can get mighty tough.
Thanks for writing this, you always seem to write about your depression right about the time I need to hear about it. I’ve been having luck with Welbutrin, so grateful for that. But lately I’ve been super cranky. But a recent hysterectomy, my son’s lung collapsing and rush into surgery (while i was still recovering from my surgery), my arthritis acting up (side effect of radiation treatment for my cancer) and my hair falling out (probably because my thyroid meds are off after the hysterectomy) . Hell, I have a right to be cranky, right? Except my son is doing well. He’s healed so quickly. And the pathology came back benign, so no new cancer to fight, thank God! Andeven though my healing took longer than expected, I’m finally feeling better. My hair may be falling out, but I have so much no one but me (and my hairdresser) notices. Maybe I shouldn’t be cranky. Maybe I should be grateful…
then I get a reminder, depression lies. I’m allowed to be cranky. I can be grateful. I need to find better arthritis medication!
You are always, even now when you are struggling, my favorite kind of person: a beautiful, brilliant weirdo. The world needs all of us who are “different.” Thank you for being you and for sharing yourself with us, especially now when it’s hardest. I too struggle with auto-immune disease. I have been in depressions so lengthy I can’t remember what it is to feel light. However: a clean diet has helped. Exercise has helped (I just do what I can). I had a funky genetic test that showed I didnt process folate, which is linked to depression. Now I take a special form (5-methylfolate). That has helped a lot. We are here to keep trying until the end so keep trying, Jenny. There is nothing but love here for all of us, if we will just look up and out to see it. Wishing you peace and light and joy. xo
Dollin Bloggess – My pretend childrens’ band, The Lonely Planet, did an AMA on reddit the other day. This comment got to me as well as my brilliant pretend children
“Earlier this year I had a breakdown of the psychological kind…It’s been a hard road to recovery…
I fondly remember the time I started to enjoy life again, and that was when I was browsing YouTube and found “On a Boat” I’d seen it before, it’s awesome, but I decided to play it anyway for old time’s sake…That was the first smile I cracked in a good few months, while it may be just some comedy fake rap track to you three bastards, that song effectively saved my life. “These motherfuckers are on a fucking boat and they are loving the shit out of it, that is fucking awesome.” I started noticing the little things again, “My cat just tried to walk through a window, what a fucking idiot, that’s awesome”, “This sun feels nice on my face, this is badass”.”
From my pretend kids: “On a serious note; that is incredibly meaningful to us to hear. We’re so happy that anything we’ve done could help you in that way. You’re not alone in that feeling. We and people we’re close with have experienced similar things, and the fact that we could help at all is incredible to us. Don’t worry, we hope to continue making dumb-ass shit for the rest of our lives. Thanks for telling us.”
So, here you go, wonderful woman, some healing dumb-ass shit with love from Andy, Kiv, Jorma and me: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=avaSdC0QOUM
Jenny,
I came to see you during your book tour. I brought my 12 year old daughter to meet you and said something stupid and socially retarded like, “Thanks for doing what you do.”
I’d mentally prepared for what I wanted to REALLY say, but I choked in the moment and got all weird and angsty and forgot what I had wanted to say. See, I also suffer through depression and anxiety and I’ve passed this on to my daughter. She reads your blog because she knows it makes me smile when everything else sucks.
Here’s what I REALLY wanted to say that day:
Thank you for being so extraordinarily weird and for making weird cool to a 12 year old who struggles to fit in with her peers. Thank you for talking openly about your struggle with anxiety and depression and most importantly coming out on the light side. Thank you for being a strong role model for my daughter by showing that you can accomplish extraordinary things despite, and especially because of, your illness. Thank you for doing what you do. All of it. And thank you for being so…you.
All I can say is that I know because love. I was so lucky to find something that worked so soon. I understand what it’s like to not know if there will be help. We love you. You are not alone.