I’m coming out of this. Eventually.

Me: I’m having a nervous breakdown.

Friend: I’ll bring the wine.

I’m not sure which wine pairs best with a nervous breakdown, but at this point I don’t really care, because wine.  That seems like a sentence fragment but it’s not.  “Because wine” is a full sentence and is also an answer to just about anything you could ever ask.  “Why should I leave my house?”  “Why am I crying at an insurance commercial?”  “Why do my cats all have mustaches drawn on them?”  BECAUSE WINE.

In fact…why does this post exist?  Because wine.

And also because I’ve been fighting through a bitch of a wave of depression for the last several weeks and I’ve been slogging through the days and going through the motions and waiting for this shit to finally break.  I’ve been forcing myself to leave the house as much as I can and congratulating myself for showering and moving and breathing, but it’s still hard as hell.  I’m not alone.  In the last few weeks I’ve gotten tons of comments and emails and tweets from people all feeling equally helpless.  And that sucks.  It sucks for them, and it sucks for me and it sucks for every person out there who can’t just fix us.   There is, however, one bright point about getting those messages from others sailing their own rough waters…I can – without doubt- tell them that depression is lying to them and that things will get better.  And then I have to admit that the same thing applies to me…even though at the time I’m fairly sure my emotions are dead forever.

And then, just as quickly as it came, it starts to lift.  Yesterday I felt human again for almost two hours.  It’s amazing how much you’re missing in a depressive state until you start to come out on the other side.  It’s like breathing again after being underwater for far too long.  The depression is back again now but I had an hour this morning when I was me again.  And a few minutes ago I called a friend to come over to visit.  That sounds like a stupid, small thing, but it’s not.  It’s big.  It’s huge.

When I’m in a depression I want to write about it, but I usually can’t.  I’m too overwhelmed and paralyzed and exhausted.  I end up writing 100 angsty drafts that never see daylight and I convince myself that no one cares.  It’s not true.  People care.  They care about me and they care about you.  If you’re feeling alone, you aren’t.  Millions of people struggle with suicide and depression and mental illness.  We keep taking pills.  We keep talking to shrinks.  We keep each other alive.  We remind ourselves that depression lies.  We keep breathing.  And eventually the clouds metaphorically part and – as if by magic – we get a blast of normalcy and remember how amazingly wonderful it can be to feel life instead of suffer from it.

Yesterday I started feeling life again, and it felt wonderful.  And I’m writing this to remind myself that it does pass, and that the miasma surrounding you now won’t always cling to you.  It will pass for me and it will pass for you.

Keep breathing.  Keep living.  You are worth it.

PS. This seems unrelated and maybe it is but I’m including it anyway because wine.  A few years ago my blog posts were peppered with humorous stories about my severe rheumatoid arthritis.  I’d be bedridden for weeks at a time.  I was in and out of hospitals.  I spent most vacations in a wheelchair.  It took many years and lots of different meds and doctors before they finally found the particular drug that cured my symptoms.  It isn’t perfect and it’s crazy expensive and involves a lot of injections and constant work, but (knock on wood) I haven’t been in a wheelchair in over a year.  I had started to think that my whole life would just be random weeks of pain and that I’d end up hobbled and miserable, but then we found that one drug that worked for me.  And if there’s a drug out there that could save me physically then I have to believe that one day there will be one that could save me mentally.

I’m holding out for that miracle.  Stay here and keep me company.

PPS. If you’ve found something that works for you, feel free to share it.  For me, it’s music. This song has been on replay for me all week and it helps.  Maybe it’ll help you too.

873 replies. read them below or add one

  1. 1
    David Lehmann

    *Hug*.

  2. “When I’m in a depression I want to write about it, but I usually can’t.” This is how I used to feel, to a T.

    Chris recently posted On Finding The Missing Piece.

  3. Take care of yourself!

  4. You are brave for being honest. And people who are struggling will appreciate this. Thinking of you.

    thedoseofreality recently posted The Dose Girls Do It Old School.

  5. You will come out on the other side, and I’m not just saying that because wine. Not even because rum, because wine makes me blotchy. You are loved, Jenny. <3

  6. I second that *hug*. Keep going, you are stronger than you know.

  7. Every time you feel better…I start to feel better, too. Love to you.

  8. As much as I hate knowing that someone else is going through this, it’s comforting to know I’m not alone. And it helps knowing you GET it, because those around me who haven’t experienced depression really don’t. Thank you and keep your chin up!

    Amanda recently posted A Picture Post, Because I'm Tired And Was Informed That Words Are Boring.

  9. Thanks so much for your bravery. It’s been a huge inspiration as I’ve struggled with my own mental illness.

  10. You are awesome.

  11. What he said.

  12. Hugs.

    Thanks for sharing your journey…so many of us can relate. Too many of us. And it helps to know we are not alone on our journeys.

    Kim Wombles recently posted Holding onto Beauty: Honoring Alex Spourdalakis.

  13. I think a good Pinot would pair best with depression. Mostly because it sounds funny to say (and a bit dirty as well!).

    Stephanie H recently posted One year later....

  14. I’m here with you. Hugs. Hugs.

  15. 16
    Dayna Bennett

    I too suffer from depression and rheumatoid arthritis. It’s a bitch. Thank you for talking about it. And I love your sense of humor!

  16. 17
    Elizabeth M.

    Nothing more than thank you, and I love you.

  17. My husband is an active duty Army musician, and one of his co-workers believed the lies and jumped off a bridge today.

    Sigh.

    meghann @ midgetinvasion recently posted Evolution of a Sick Mom.

  18. I love your bravery and candor. I needed to hear and be reminded that depression lies. You are amazing.

  19. Music is also my crutch. This is a song that has been my new anthem lately. http://youtu.be/2lYwaN5KdgM

  20. Exercise and friends. And your blog. :)

    avidbruxist recently posted Has Anyone Ever Told You You Look Just Like Crispin Glover?.

  21. It’s so rotten that two of my favorite and funniest writers–you and Allie Brosh (hyperbole-and-a-half) also have to live with depression. I hope they do find some way to allow you two hilarious women to keep up the funny, and to enjoy your lives. Because we sure do enjoy your funny.

    xoxo

  22. 23
    Kimberlee Y.

    *hugs* You said all of that far better than I could have. God, Jenny, I love you…you just don’t know how much you help the rest of us…we love you!

  23. You’re brave.

  24. 25
    Sarah Jones

    I hope you feel better soon. We all do. You are not alone.

  25. We definitely care. You are my favourite internet stranger. <3

  26. Hi Jenny,
    With my dog’s recent hospitalization, my preparation to leave New York City for two months, the move to my new apartment, and the winding down of some of my freelance work, I’ve felt pulled in many different directions, emotionally and physically. Sometimes, I felt completely off kilter with tears running down my face and thoughts that wouldn’t stop racing. As a meditation and yoga teacher, I have the tools to bring myself back to center when these kinds of moments strike. It takes time and patience (sometimes more of both than I would like), but it happens every single time. My practice has never failed me. It’s never failed anyone I know.

    So if you’re under the dark clouds of stress and anxiety, sit down. Close your eyes. One hand on the heart, one hand on the belly. Take a deep breath and place your attention right between the eyebrows (the third eye). Your mind doesn’t control you. You control the mind. You are empowered to replace that stress with peace. You can will it to happen. It doesn’t cost you a dime. It doesn’t require any special equipment. And yet, it is the most valuable gift you can give to yourself. Teaching this simple fact is certainly the most valuable thing I give to the world.

    Christa Avampato recently posted Beautiful: The Simplest Definition of Stress Reduction.

  27. We’re here for you when you’re in a depression and when you’re not.

    Tragic Sandwich recently posted Children’s Television Madness.

  28. I don’t think I can begin to thank you enough for all that you do for our community. Today was a no good, very horrible depression day, a day where I couldn’t even tread water, and here are your words, exactly what I needed. Thank you. Thankyouthankyouthankyou.

    Lisa @ Crazy Adventures in Parenting recently posted Fun Owl Themed Teacher Gifts.

  29. Thank you for writing about your depression. You help me by putting words to what my son is going through, and you give me hope.

  30. Excellent song……hang in there….it will pass…..you are not alone.

  31. I’m with you 100%. I’ve been struggling since December and I’m still working on meds. It’s awful but the clouds are starting to lift and I spent four hours with my friends last night laughing and talking and enjoying life. Because wine. It was worth it. You were the first person who told me that depression lies and I believed you and it saved me. Thank you.

  32. Much as I deplore pills or rather the idea of taking them, I’ve found something that does work where everything before most definitely didn’t. Google “Pristiq”. It’s helping me tremendously. Stay safe…

  33. Music, absolutely. It’s like getting a boost over the fence from a friend.

    Julie the Wife recently posted Who’s Your Daddy? Dysfunctional Father’s Day Cards.

  34. I care and I think you’re awesome.

  35. I don’t know you, but I love you. I appreciate your willingness to give voice to these things. I’ve struggled with depression and PTSD in the past, but was told I was past that. I felt like I was past that. Then I got pregnant and that somehow triggered an anxiety disorder. Sometimes I have bursts of normalcy but typically I’m all angst and nausea and headaches and panic and tears and suck. I started seeing a shrink and it’s helping, which is weird cuz it never really helped in the past. So I’m grateful for that.

    Keep on keeping on. Because wine (which I need you to drink for me).

  36. Depression sucks & it lies. Thanks for sharing. Come to Madison, WI. I’d love to see you.

  37. The timing of the Universe always amazes me. Today I’ve been slammed with a massive anxiety attack/depressive episode. They come on rarely, but when they do, it’s like a black hole I fall in and the panic of trying to escape! Your post is like a rope ladder that fell into the hole. Thanks for sharing, darlin. Hope someone throws you a ladder when you need it! Hugs and love to you!

  38. So it’s not just me then?? Virtual group hug. I personally will be drinking Moscato

  39. 40
    Hey, y'all!

    The description of paralyzed, overwhelmed, and exhausted really hits home (as does wine!).
    Going through a rough spell with divorce and little people. Nice to know that although it’s a depessing club that no one wants to belong to, having rough times and still being able to encourage others like you and so many others do is a gift.
    And it’s true. I’ve been here a few times, and it always gets better–always because of support and humor and often complete strangers making a moment of my day happier, like your blog.

    Hugs!

  40. You are an inspiring, courageous, witty-beyond-belief human being. Keep exposing your beautiful soul. People are listening.

  41. Writing.. irresponsible amounts of vodka… and snake handling. Can’t explain the last one, but it’s soothing for some reason.
    Oh, and the occasional mosh pit. When I’m sad and in need to slam myself against a stranger’s body in a semi-violent, yet friendly manner.

    (and on another note, thank you for all you do)

    Banana Stickers recently posted I have a horrible case of the kittens..

  42. Thank you, this post is a great reminder. My depression alternates between rage and numbness.

    I’m actually afraid to drink wine because I’m afraid I’ll become an alcoholic. So far I’m only addicted to chocolate, which seems safer.

    I like Sara Bareilles’s song “Brave” to remember how to “feel life.”

    Thank you.

    Frankie Lawson recently posted Show Me How Big Your Brave Is.

  43. You have no idea (ok, maybe you do) how badly I needed to read this tonight. Thank you.

  44. RA sucks and depression sucks. But you’re right, eventually it doesn’t suck and then one day you wake up and it’s like the sun pooped a big ass cloud of sad and it sucks again and then Tuesday the sun pooped rainbows and you’re okay.

    It’s riding those up/down waves that often get me in the worst head space because they seem to make no sense and there seems to be no rhyme nor reason to them. And they happen whenever they want to. At least with my RA, I can see a physical manifestation of what’s wrong. It doesn’t make it easier but at least I can point to something and say “broken”.

    Thank you for always reminding the world that we aren’t alone in this and for being a big, bad ambassador for those whose voices get lost in the shuffle.

    Brennan's Mom recently posted The Militant Baker - Body Love Conference.

  45. You are so beautifully dysfunctional and brilliantly irrelevant. It hurts me to see the pain you go through when you’ve brought so much joy to my life with your writings. I wish I could give even a little back.

    It does lie. It will get better. You are worthy and loved. (and so is everyone else reading this)

  46. Thank you. For making me laugh most days, for making me teary-eyed today. I hate that you feel like you do, but love that you write about it and share your feelings, because I’ve felt the same. And it helps, so, so much to know I’m not alone. Thank you.

  47. We are titanium – we are strong and glad to have found each other.

  48. Thanks for sharing. You are a key voice out there making depression something to discuss and not try to hide. I am strong at the moment, but your words helped when I was low. I hope you keep improving. For me, it was a lower dose combo of 2 medicines that did the trick rather than one single magic pill.

  49. You are not alone. You are stronger than that lying asshole depression. You’re gonna surface again, soon, and stay up there for a while. <3

    Mels recently posted Weird Week.

  50. (((<3)))

  51. I don’t suffer from depression, but you’re ability to consistently overcome inspires me nonetheless. You go. Love your book. Love your blog. And tonight I love everything, including people who yield while they are IN the traffic circle, why? Because wine. tomorrow i’ll hate those assholes. don’t stop in a traffic circle, dick.

    Jen recently posted Chicago Marathon Training Begins!.

  52. So, like, I’m 22 years sober today. Because wine. Oh, no. Wait. Because NO wine. NO WINE. But I wish I could have wine because my 10yr old son is going through a terrible depression and anxiety and panic attacks and trips to the ER and doctor’s and OMG. It’s terrible to watch. I wish I could make it all go away.

    I’m not having my own mental health issues right now, thank goodness, but I’ve been there. I’ll be there again. I’m sorry you’re there now. I’m sorry my son’s there’s now. I will give him hugs and you my portion of wine. I COULD DRINK A LOT OF WINE. You’re welcome.

    Hang in there, ok? So many people love you. Some of us in that creepy internet way, but hey – creepy love is love too. xo

    The Maven recently posted How to keep it together when your child is in crisis - or not..

  53. Thank you. Thank you for being honest and true and open about what you’re going through, because it might just be your words that stops someone from making a choice they can’t take back. Thank you for offering such a poignant description of what you’re going through to help others have a little more understanding of just how HARD this is. Thank you for being a voice for so many people who, maybe, don’t have your brilliance with words, but who have a vivid and personal understanding of what you’re going through.

    As a person who works closely with children and adolescents with emotional and mental health issues, THANK YOU. You give a beautiful, earnest, and amazing voice to something that NEEDS one. The more people who speak out…who scream from the rooftops…the faster help will come.

    Megly Mc recently posted Weasels with good P.R..

  54. Depression and arthritis have both been drastically helped in thousands of people by living Paleo! Look up Robb Wolf and Practical Paleo and Primal Body Primal Mind. Get the bad food 100% out of your life and miraculous changes occur! Helped me in so many ways!

  55. I just had a beautiful baby…and I can’t stop crying. I know it’s just the hormones, but I don’t know how long it will last this time (I have 4 other kids I can’t care for right now, thank God for my husband!). I will get through it, though, I know that I have to.

  56. One breath at a time, if that’s what it takes. Hang on. You’re not alone.

  57. Oh Dammit! I forgot that I love you and my hubby has RA and it is a BITCH, and here is a song that I love: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cfz9uEA8kLs

    Julie the Wife recently posted Who’s Your Daddy? Dysfunctional Father’s Day Cards.

  58. I so get where you are. You’re not alone, either. Depression does lie; it tells me people whom I know love me, don’t….tomorrow I’m going to the doctor and asking for a med change. I’ll let you know how it goes. Hang in there, Jenny…hugs.

  59. Music helps me as well. Currently my theme is from Deb Talan “now you only dream in peaceful blue and the morning doesn’t even scare you anymore, you are a Phoenix with your feathers still a little wet, baby, the ashes just look pretty on your eyes”

  60. Korean music, of all things, gets me through. Kpop, kpunk, whatever. Keeps my head above water when nothing else will.

  61. I adore you. And so does my 13 year old daughter that accidentally read your book when I wasn’t looking. Ahem. But she got it all and understands and stuff. Probably.

    I took a fistful of different antidepressants before eventually figuring out that the anxiety caused the depression and not the other way around. Depression meds rarely do much for anxiety. So… About six months (that’s all I could afford) of cognitive behavioral therapy helped me cope with anxiety so that I only occasionally became debilitated by it. Later, my best best friend continued the path by becoming a cognitive behavioral therapist by accident. He’s not a therapist. His mind just works like that.

    Now I get overwhelmed about once a year. My best friend can usually talk me back to rationality in a day or two. I have wine and/or Xanax when the insomnia gets too bad. It never goes away. I’ve learned to blunt it’s power over me. And you will too.

  62. Keeping you company.

    I’m in here too.

    Kat recently posted That Awkward Moment When You Want To Maim Someone and Buy a Hat Instead.

  63. Thank you. For real. Thank you.

  64. I’m a music therapist, Jenny. There are so very many of us who are fans of yours. Keep with the music. Let it lift you out and continue to remind you who you really are.

  65. Depression is a lying sack of sh*t, and THANK YOU for saying it so well. I hope tomorrow, it lifts for longer. Or just entirely – that would be nice! So glad, though, that you know to wait it out, and pulled it together to remind the rest of us that it applies to us. Can’t say it too often, especially to younger folks who haven’t yet figured out the wily ways of depression and think they really *are* worthless.

  66. Try this song: Hang on Little Tomato by Pink Martini. It’s one of my favs when I get hit, and it fits with your attitude. Just hang in there and the sun WILL shine again. ***Hugs****

  67. When you make it to the other side, we’ll be here. Arms wide open.

  68. 69
    Karen Miller

    HUGS!!!! You are titanium.

  69. You are honestly wonderful: one of the bravest, most inspirational people I know of. I can’t think of your blog without using words like “joyous” or “life-affirming” or “generous”. I hope that the fog will lift soon.

    Kate Taylor recently posted Five Reasons to Love The Bell Jar.

  70. I need help. I need suggestions. I’m in a dark, dark place all alone, or so it feels.

    (You aren’t alone. You just can’t see the rest of us here. Tell a friend or family member so they can help. The shitty thing about depression is that it makes you so tired you can’t fight for yourself, so you need someone to help you fight this battle. If that isn’t an option, call the suicide hotline. They can direct you to the right place or can just listen. They’ve helped me before. ~ Jenny)

    Shelle recently posted Worthy..

  71. I kept telling myself last night “depression lies depression lies depression lies”.

    Thank you for posting this today. I needed it so much.

  72. Cindy #49, that looks like a pretty sideways vagina. But we all know what it means. OR DO WE?

    Julie the Wife recently posted Who’s Your Daddy? Dysfunctional Father’s Day Cards.

  73. I’ve been feeling myself circling the drain lately and I’m too scared to say anything to anyone lest it be real. I needed to hear this. <3

  74. 75
    Gwen Barker

    This is really lovely. Just eloquent and humorous and hopeful. Thank you.

  75. Thank you so much for sharing your personal stories and feelings. I love reading your quippy and quirky postings and sometimes forget that you’re very like me and the many others out there who deal with depression, chronic pain and the after effects of because wine.

  76. I love how you put depression into words that those “regular” people can understand. I point to your blog and say “Look – see! That’s it exactly!”. Hang in there. I made it out and you will too. I third that *hug*.

  77. Effexor! And surrounding myself with happy people. And, also, I’ve come to grips with the fact that the depression will always be there. Maybe that sounds like giving up, but trying to be something I’m not is exhausting. Fuck some “fake it ’till you make it,” I’m all “accept it and move on.”

  78. I’ll for sure be saying “because wine” from now one.

    And yes, it does pass.

    Carol recently posted Bad Habits.

  79. I care, about pretty much everyone. People I know, people I Internet-know, people I don’t know at all…so if anyone needs to know that there’s at least one person out there, caring…

    That’d be me. You’re not alone. Hang in there.

  80. *Big Hugs* I know how you feel. I appreciate your posts so much because it helps me not feel alone. I’ve been battling a really horrible depression for over a year and I am getting more and more of these “normal” moments. Keep fighting. We’re here with you.

    Btw – I love that song!!

  81. Fall Out Boy gets me through my low points. They carried me through my divorce and they still carry me when I feel lost.

  82. 83
    Pope Zaphod

    I’ve been pretending to be OK for the past week. I think as of yesterday I wasn’t pretending anymore. You lift my spirits and you remind me that DEPRESSION LIES.

    Oh, and that acoustic version of “Titanium” is beautiful!

  83. Thank you.

  84. Oh it’s so hard to see when you’re in it , and once you’re out it’s hard to remember what it was like. You’re so right- depression is a lying douche canoe. I hope we all get our miracles

  85. I told my friend this the other day … “When I become aware of the fact that what I am feeling is more than what I should be feeling over a given situation, that alone is a step in the right direction. I know I shouldn’t be feeling this upset. Why am I this upset? Do other people get this upset? The answer is yes. Yes they do. Other people feel this upset, but they don’t talk about it. Why shouldn’t we talk about it? It’s not my fault I feel this upset. There’s a whole bunch of chemicals that I don’t know the names of that are making me upset. I’m being upset by things that are essentially invisible to me.. why are they allowed to do this to me…they aren’t. I need to get rid of all of them. There are too many.” And with that, my solution is to drink water. I tell myself that if I drink a glass of water every hour that when I’ve diluted the chemicals enough, I’ll stop feeling upset. I’m pretty sure there is nothing actually happening, but it keeps me going, because I cannot wait to drink the next glass of water the next hour and see if maybe that one will be the one to wash away the reason I am upset.

  86. 87
    trasherati

    You are a blessing. And I am anxious for all the children with mental illness…because no wine and it seems fewer treatment options.

  87. Sending love your way! I love that song. It helped with my depression after I left my husband. It still helps me when I am not in a good place.

  88. I care. Please keep going until the cloud lift.
    (I’m not depressive, but I’ve got kind of OCD that made me go check if titanium was bulletproof. But from the number of hits for that search, I’m not the only one.)

  89. “PPS. If you’ve found something that works for you, feel free to share it. ” This is going to sound really dumb, and I know it’s all the craze right now, but going gluten free seriously eliminated my depression. My depression was never as severe as yours, but it was there, constant….I didn’t even get rid of wheat to get rid of depression…I thought my mood was just who I was, something I would have to live with. I did it for digestive issues I had. Once the wheat went away, so did the digestive problems and as a bonus, the blues. BTW, gluten is also linked to autoimmune diseases like RA, MS, or Lupus. If you’ve not tried it, just try it for a few weeks. If you see no improvement, no harm done…go back to the wheat. I have never been one to do diets, but I was so sick of having digestive problems that I figured it wouldn’t hurt to try it. Wheat is no longer a part of my life and I say good riddance.

  90. Yeah. All that, except replace ‘wine’ with ‘amaretto’. Especially about the music. When my daughter died in January, I thought, “Dear gods on every plane, how am I going to do today, this hour, this minute??” I was so broken. I’m still broken, but differently. Not necessarily less, just… differently. At our last concert, my chorus sang the song I bought for them, the song that I’d dedicated to my daughter, the song she never got to hear us sing (except… I’m not the only person who swore she was at the concert that night)… it’s appropriately called “It Gets Better.”

    Kelly recently posted Fractal No. 1014.

  91. I’ve had good results with Wellbutrin. It’s a tricyclic so it can be rough on the liver so you may not want to try it because wine, of course. I like it because it barely has any side effects (though I get massive dry mouth so I always have to have beverage within reach at all times. Seriously, ten minutes between sips of something – anything – is an eternity.) But no zombie feelings, no weird thoughts, no physical side effects (like low libido.) I honestly can’t tell I take it. Kind of like your search for an effective RA med, it’s like that with psych meds. The docs get to play “chemistry set” with you for a while (sometimes years) to find the right one or ones to get and keep you right.

  92. Oh Jenny. I love you so much. What’s awesome about us is that there is someone always up when you (general) are down which means there is always someone waiting to hold your hand when you emerge from the tunnel. Or to drag your ass out of it if you need it. Thank you for your open and honest writing. Thank you to everyone here who holds someone else close until they feel better. Love to you all.

  93. Emergency Puppy for everyone, but especially for Shelle, who commented above my first comment:
    https://twitter.com/EmergencyPuppy/status/344897252701126656/photo/1

  94. You are so brave.

    Kerry recently posted Theme Song Thursday … This is the one.

  95. Music is my drug as well. I listen. I sing. Sometimes even in key. I listen loud. I sing louder.

    Great post. Honest. Painful. Helpful. Depression does lie and will win if you believe its lies. So, other than the minor distraction of having to look up miasma, I loved this.

  96. Thanks for this post. It’s nice to know I’m not the only one struggling. Music helps me too, and this song is my go-to:

  97. 98
    Meg Keenan

    What a great post Jenny. You are amazing. A Wonder Woman. It takes superhuman ability to go outside when under this kind of dark cloud. Thank you for sharing. Your writing is the drug that works wonders for us. Please know how much you matter to all of us.

  98. Depression DOES lie. I fight it, too. I try not to listen to the lies. When the day is good, I have learned to revel in it. When it’s bad, I remind myself over and over that it is only temporary.

    For me, when I have to fight depression’s lies, I grab a notebook and start writing down the things I know to be true. Like how I know my family loves me. Like how I have friends who are friends even when I’m crazy and no fun to be around. Like how there is a pretty good chance tomorrow will be better. Like how I’m smart and funny and the world is damn lucky to have me. There are so many wonderful truth I usually get a hand cramp from writing before I actually get them all on paper.

    The world is damn lucky to have you, too, Jenny. You can put that in writing.

  99. Oh Jenny I’m so so sorry you’re going through this. And I know there will be a million people chiming in saying you’re not alone. They’re right. You’re not.

    And the crappy thing is sometimes you have to give in to the depression, but only if it means you really feel the need to be by yourself for a while & not shower and watch 18 episodes in a week of one tv show. THAT IS OK.

    I’ve dealt with my own but it’s mainly due to feeling unable to be who I wanted to be. The let down that my life got derailed by an illness & I let this illness mess with my self-confidence. My eyes are having serious issues. I’ve had MS 24 yrs and now it wants to be mean. So I had to start a drug this week for it that has had me so exhausted & depressed the last two day that TODAY I stayed in bed until 2 when my mom realized how bad I was & came to get my youngest from me. Then I cried some more. Then showered. And ate food. And made myself talk to someone I had been avoiding.

    And I felt better. Slowly but surely. I’m still depressed though that I can’t do so many things I used to be able to.

    So for me it’s usually wine but apparently I can drink some just not get really good & drunk anymore. Otherwise it’s music. Or just reading. Or stalking people on the internet(I kid I kid).

    You will be ok. We’re all here for you. You opened up yourself & your heart to us through your words so we’re all offering ours to you! Feel better please!!

  100. You are awesome, you matter, and you are loved. That song gives me hope and strength, when I need it the most. I’m glad it helps you, and I’m equally glad you’re starting to feel better. Btw, another one of your “depression lies” posts (video post from last year), literally saved my life. And I mean literally. There are not enough thanks that I can give you. Sending gentle hugs, and a ton of gratitude.

  101. I just want to give you a big *hug* and everyone else going through this. I don’t have depression, but I do have mild anxiety, so I know some of the feelings that happen with anxiety also play out in depression. You have shown time and time again that it does get better and that people care. :)

    Nicole recently posted Coasting for Kids 2013 Recap.

  102. as I am finding myself starting in on a depressive state after YEARS of not having anything more than one day of being “blue” right around my period, I needed to read this. Thank you for sharing what millions of people go through daily.

  103. Internet love.

  104. I can relate to this so much. Aside from the rheumatoid arthritis, because I don’t have it (though I have a condition where I ocassionally shit myself, usually not in public (that’s kind of similar right?)), and the wine, simply because my friends drink when they’re sad and they either get all weepy or all apologetic.

    I’ve actually tried to write a short fiction piece based on my despression/OCD. It turned out terrible, but I guess that’s just reflective of the experiences it’s based on. If anyone asks, I just tell them it’s meant to be like that. Oh dear, I think I’m rambling on now. Sorry.

    Anyway, thanks for this post Jenny, I can always appreciate and relate when people talk about pushing through the lies and finding ‘the lifts’, even if they’re only for a few short hours.

  105. Big Big Big Hugs to you…. You are awesome and wonderful. I love you and my kids love you. They always remember the time they finally met you in person and met Copernincus too.

  106. I started having my first epic panic attacks last Friday, and I started taking my first prescription anxiety and depression meds on Tuesday. You have perfect timing with this post.

    Take care.

  107. Your two words, Depression lies, saved me. I passed them on. They saved a friend. I blogged about them. Maybe they saved more people that neither of us have ever met. Your experience… it resonates deeply. You change the conversation. For me, personally, selfishly, I am beyond grateful.

    Pam recently posted Walking in the in between.

  108. I work with the severely mentally ill and I see mental illness in every shape and form and color affecting so many people in so many ways on a daily basis and I know my own private struggle with anxiety and depression. We’re here for you. This too shall pass.

    Y recently posted Not all Americans speak the same.

  109. Sending you strength to get through this rough patch. I’ve been there. Unless you’ve experienced depression, you just don’t “get it.” I get it. I’m sorry you’re going through this and pray it passes very soon. Deep breaths, sweet girl.

  110. To Jenny and everyone out there suffering with mental illness: even random strangers are here, and we care! Hang in there, and know that there is help available.

  111. I literally beat depression out of me! I found working out keeps my mind from going “dark”. I’ve been happy pill free for over 3 years now. I started with walking, turned it into running, joined a bootcamp class with friends and a year ago I found Tri Athlon training. When that fails.. I turn to wine….. :)
    You inspire us Jenny.. Thank you!

  112. Thank you.

  113. Thank you for writing this. I haven’t been in my dark hole for a couple months now so I can attest that it does get better. I can also attest that depression lies. I’m so glad I didn’t listen.

  114. Somehow you manage to muddle through and keep producing. That speaks volumes about the strength of what you do.

    Writing, especially comedy, is an artform. Art isn’t easy; if it was, everyone would do it. You just happen to do it exceptionally well.

    From strength to strength, Jenny.

    Sj recently posted Peekaboo! They See You!.

  115. I know you tweeted the other day that there must be something in the air and I think you are right. This isn’t the worst I have been (a few years ago my migraine meds and the depression meds conspired with each other and I would just sit around irrationally thinking I should kill my self. Now they have a warning on the commercial about your migraine med when you take Cymbalta) but it I have been suffering the last few weeks as well. I have to remember to tell myself it’s no ones fault, not even mine. Some days are better than others, Sunday you couldn’t even tell. Then they was Monday of which we don’t speak. But I know it will pass, or I keep telling myself it will untill it does because it has before. I make goals and I don’t beat myself up if they aren’t met and I make it through the day. Because that’s how I have to do it. To anyone else out there that’s suffering I WILL see you on the other side.

  116. We care!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    You’re awesome, Jenny! All the parts.

  117. You go girl, keep up the positivity. And thanks for the reminder that moods will change, we just have to be patient. It can be challenging to remember that. And in my case, it’s not wine, but bacon. Because BACON.

  118. When my PND got really bad, the only reason I survived to get medication is because I chanted “Depression Lies” over and over again. You did that for me.

    Depression lies. Depression LIES. We care and you make my world better by being in it, and writing things that resonate with me.

    Veronica recently posted Evelyn thinks our games are hilarious..

  119. I’m right there with you. Struggling right now…something that feels like it won’t go away no matter what I do. I don’t like that you are struggling but, as I’m sure you already know, you’re not alone. I don’t have a red dress, but I wore my red “Fruit Loops” t-shirt today, realizing way too late that it was not even funny that I had grabbed that shirt without thinking. Labeling myself so others don’t have to, I guess. Hugs and love and support and stuff.

    Jen recently posted It matters..

  120. I just want to say that I love you. I love reading your tweets and your blogs and I would be super sad if you quit. I get the days you can’t, I have those too and I struggle to take care of not just myself but also my two babies, 2 1/2 and 8 months. There are days when I feel accomplished if they’re fed and changed on a semi-regular basis throughout the day.

    So, for what it’s worth, and without being creepy or weird, I love you.

  121. Depression sucks. Sometimes I just think…why aren’t my meds working….did I forget to take them? And you just keep going and still feel depressed and keep wondering. I <3 you and your blog and you make me feel less depressed :) I saw a metal chicken on pinterest the other day that made me think of you. And I have a little rooster outside that I named Beyonce because of you :)

  122. We are worth it!

  123. 124
    Debby Phillips

    Thank you. I am bookmarking this post so that the next time I backslide I can read this and remember that on that particular day I felt good. And that the horrible feeling of hopelessness WILL pass. Your posts about depression have been lifelines to me over the past 18 months. I’m on an upswing of 6 weeks of good. Here’s hoping it lasts. :)

  124. 125
    Anonymoose

    I most likely have PMDD, or PME. It is getting harder and harder each month to remember that I will come out on the otherside. We’ve taken to planning life around my menstrual cycle, because from a few days after I ovulate, until my period, I am sucked into a vortex of worsening mood and depression. I am glad that you are still here, and still posting openly about your struggles. It helps to feel like I am not alone.

  125. You said everything that I feel when I’m in that hole. You are so loved, and we are not alone. Keep on truckin’, girl, it won’t last forever. Much love to you tonight!

  126. Thank you for sharing. I am lucky in that I don’t suffer from depression, but there are many people I care about who do. People like you, who share their experience and encourage others are a Godsend. You are wonderful!

    Mary P recently posted Sometimes, you just need a good hug.

  127. Here Here you speak the truth…there is light at the end of the tunnel we just have to hold on and wait for the depression to pass…I love to take nature photos and getting outside and walking helps me!

  128. Wine is awesome. And so are you. And depression totally sucks and lies like a lying fucking lier! Please keep slogging through and post whatever you think will help you through this horrible patch. I’ve been there, i’m terrified of returning there under no power of my own will and I absolutely adore you and wish I could make your struggle easier, *super huge hugs*

    *sending a patronus your way to help change those fucking dementors away*

  129. Oh and for me, it’s Ryan Adams, a hot bath, and crying it out.

  130. Oh one more thing!

    The writing thing you mentioned? Yes and a thousand times yes. Right now there’s so much I want to write about but can’t(some due to fact that it deals with a very painful but personal situation for my extended family & it’s not mine to talk about but it’s just awful) so instead I stare at the computer and wonder what to do.

    Plus sometimes I don’t want to write things that are really sad & angry all the time(I do angry more and more lately) but really, that’s all I got folks. Life isn’t always sunshine & unicorns. And permanently peppy people frighten me.

    Jen recently posted The Wine becomes Whine.

  131. Great post. And I am sending a virtual hug your way. I’ve struggled with depression off and on over the last 12 years, some years better than others. This year is the first time I’ve really addressed the issues that were keeping me down, it’s not a quick fix but allowing myself to feel, truly feel, has been amazing.

    PS. Your book is our book club pick this month….I’m about ready to pick it up for this weekend to read. :)

    Denise recently posted kinda last minute getaway.

  132. Yes. Yes to everything. So many words trapped inside because it’s harder to breathe than to think, much less write. But I remind myself to breathe. And I (try to) remind myself it’s a lie. And I remind myself that I’m not as alone as the lie is telling me I am. Thank you for doing it for me today.

  133. Thank you for this and all your posts. They always seem to come at the right time for me. I’ve been here off and on for several weeks now. And the logical part of me knows it passes but it doesn’t feel that way when you’re at what you think is your lowest. I’ve never gone to anyone professionally because I’m almost afraid of what will come out of it but I’ve seriously contemplated it these few weeks. After this, I think it is time. Thank you.

  134. I am here keeping you company, as are all these other people.

  135. For me, this go round, it has been Phosphorescence, Song for Zula.

  136. Days ago my probably bipolar but could be just a downright cunt aunt i live with in the common house i share with my 89 year old lola did not let me in and i spent 8 hours in a motel and ive been days away from medication jovia and lexapro. I feel fine today and you guys will be too

    (Call your pharmacy. Lots of times they’ll give you at least a few days of free pills in emergency situations like that. Sending love. ~ Jenny)

  137. 138
    tehTimmah

    You know. It’s crazy. I’ve never met you, chances are good, I never will. Still, when I read your blog at times like this I feel like I know you, and it sucks knowing you and not being able to help you, even though I walk much the same road. Less depression, more anxiety, but still it is often the same path. Still, you have been a help to me over the years, that so simple, but oh so true statement you keep making ‘Depression Lies’ is like a tiny spark in the darkness. Then as things get better, it’s like drawing closer to that spark and finding it is a candle in a window, shining out to lead us all through. You may not see it through the darkness, but when you get close, there is a room full of us, all brought in out of the dark, all welcoming and loving, and glad to be there, even if we can’t stay forever. Thanks for keeping that candle lit Jenny, and maybe some of us can light one for you.

  138. 139
    Donna George

    I’m right there with you, although mine is situational with the loss of my son. I THOUGHT I was doing okay, until I knew I wasn’t. Didn’t sleep, shower, brush my teeth. Couldn’t care less, either. We just added a new med today, and I am hoping that will help. It is nice that you can be so open. I try so hard to be strong, but find myself too cocooned. Just breathing takes so much energy. I finally decided to check my email today after a VERY long time, and saw your post. Thank you.

  139. Same song for me, but the version from Pitch Perfect. And in my version, I sound just like those girls. And yeah, sometimes showering more than once a week totally sux

  140. Glad you are feeling better, and thanks so much for posting about depression (and helping to remove the stigma). Just be careful with the wine as it actually can cause depression or worsen existing depression. But a glass here or there with friends is quite nice, isn’t it?

  141. Keep on fighting it, Jenny. And if they never find a drug for you, I think you’ll still be able to more easily come out of these periods…because wine. And because you know depression lies, and eventually, you’ll stop believing it entirely. And it won’t have a hold any more. Of course, that may coincide with the onset of dementia, and you just forget you’re depressed, but hey – whatever works, right?

  142. thank you for sharing. as much as i want you to feel better, it makes me feel better to know that i’m not alone. so if you want to know what helps me, it’s your blog. and allie’s brosh’s hyperbole and a half (http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/). and seamus gallagher’s amajor7 tumblr (http://amajor7.tumblr.com/). and the writing of kristen forbes (http://krissymick.blogspot.com/)

    i’ve also been reading louise l. hay’s “you can heal your life”. a little woo woo but i love it.
    “the holy man” by susan trott is my favorite book of all time because it makes me feel hopeful and good.
    wellbutrin really works for me when i can’t do it alone anymore.

    i live for those moments when i get to feel human again, rather than the rock bottom sads and chronic apathy of depression.

    hang in there jenny, and i will too.

  143. There aren’t always the right words for what we want to express, but if it helps to know that you have my well wishes, prayers, and support, then know that you have my well-wishes, prayers, and support. You, and everyone else fighting this battle.

    Tabitha recently posted Nobody likes you when you're 23, but what about 24??.

  144. Dance has saved me. It became my reason not to self harm and I am forever grateful to the amazing studio owner who lets me be the old lady I the teen dance class and be on the team and create my own solo for competition.

    The other thing that saved me is a magical place called CPC counciling center, it was there I found support and a social worker and a psychiatrist that got me the right combo of meds and into groups with people with the similar mental health issues. And they took me on a patient without me having any health insurance. I owe them money but they still treat me, help me, talk me through when my anxiety gets so bad that I feel like I can’t function. My treatment team has been amazing. I’m 1 year, 2 months and 28 days without self harm. I made friends there who know that sometimes it’s
    ok to just have someone sit next to you and be there without really talking because its proof we aren’t alone.

  145. I am all about the right drug to help figure it out. This time last year my son had spent 65 days in a mental hospital and we were told he would need to go to a residential treatment center. My husband and I protested, took him to a new school where the psychiatrist rediagnosed him and changed meds. After innumerable doctors and medicines for the last 7 years now, he is happy and stable, no longer overweight, and has made honor roll all four quarters. Don’t give up hope, the right medicine is out there for you, too.

  146. I’m right there with ya, and despite the angst and anguish and anti-sensation… we rock. I watch this when I feel down. http://www.wherethehellismatt.com/ Why? Because silly dancing.

    It occurs to me I may have already posted this here. Well, it deserves multiple postings – maybe someone new will stumble upon it this time. And be caught flapping about like a fool by their best friend / life partner / significant other / gold fish / scandalized mother and be given the opportunity to stand their ground and shout to the heavens, “BECAUSE WINE! BECAUSE SILLY DANCING! DEPRESSION LIES!! WOOOO!”

    Anyone NOT inspired upon encountering such a spectacle… well, I think they have it worse than we do ;)

    Julie recently posted Commitment.

  147. Lots of work in mindfulness therapy has helped me. Ride the wave. Nicely said and your (uncharacteristic, lol) openness is always appreciated.

  148. Enough sleep, eating paleo, mindfulness, music (playing and listening), twitter, writing, children, family, friends, therapy (especially CBT and/or EMDR), drugs, my dog (probably the most, tbh), quiet walks with my dog, my dog’s ears, my kids needing me to function, my husband babying me when I need it, sex, books, sex books, breathing, getting older, time. It’s always something different that works, but there’s always something, even if it’s just waiting.

    You are stronger than depression.

  149. *hug*

    Morgan Eckstein recently posted Fire season trumps gardening.

  150. I also suffer from depression days upon days, will have great days upon great days, then the cycle repeats.. then sometimes I’m fine for months on end… and I also go to music to help me. While this is a beautiful version of this song.. I have a more fun one you need to watch.. it will make you want to get up and dance.. I love Within Temptation and they did a cover of this song and the video is awesome.. get up and dance OR sit in your chair and dance.. either way.. it will make you happy, I watch it often.. it makes me happy! Watch it.. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K1njYUrHkww

  151. I have been diagnosed with a couple illnesses since they decided that I wasn’t just a sensitive child. Clinical depression, then bi-polar disorder, until I read the criteria for borderline personality disorder, and got goosebumps. I read things people had posted about it that could literally have been stolen out of my journals. By the time I found this out, I was 40. I was over believing that everyone else had the problem. I have been on every medication they ever wanted to try out. I have finally found a combination that works for me. At the depths of my depressions, I was able to get from the door from work (and yes, I tried to work!) make-up off, contacts out, and in my bed in about 3 minutes. I had dirty dishes that I hid in the refrigerator before it got so bad I didn’t care what my mom thought, also in the oven, piled on the table, and filling both sides of the sink. The dirty clothes raised the level of my bedroom floor by 2 inches at least. I guess the point was that there is a way out, but you have to go through to get there. The mood stabilizer, Trileptil, that I’m on is amazing. I am not a zombie, I get to have emotions while not being ruled by them, and I have few side effects. Welbutrin, while it is so expensive that they must make it out of powdered unicorn horn and liquid platinum from Mars, is a miracle pill for me, and Xanax helps when I cannot avoid dealing with my mother. I have a job I love, a dog I love, and peace; well, except for my mom. LOL. Nothing is perfect. But it is possible to do better than you ever thought you could.

    Jenx Byron recently posted An Open Letter to the Church from My Generation.

  152. It’s actually “because wine not?”

  153. I love you and I love this post and I love this song. Why then, am I feeling sad and lacking… that I don’t and never will have those incredible, full lips. That mesmerizing voice. That youthful and beautiful face.
    Oh fuck!!!! this is all about NOT being depressed! About doggy-paddling until you bob up again; up above the heavy, deep water of depression. OK, I get it….breathe. All is well. Everything is as it should be. Grateful for what is.
    Thank you, Jenny.

  154. Thanks, as usual, for sharing your challenges. I’ve been going through a bit of a dark phase myself and I am in the process of slowly dragging myself out of it. You’re so right about trying to hold onto those moments of feeling human again. They are what push me on.

    Issa recently posted Day 289 - Relatively Better.

  155. Keep REminding Me….And I’lL Remind You…..
    Its Been Screaming Loudly Lately….

  156. Hang in there Jenny…I was a hot mess for a few months this spring myself and after a small medication tweek, a little bit of “Rocky” theme music and an encouraging montage of me picking up the pieces as my head cleared, I am back and feeling better than ever. The lesson for me and anyone else who might be listening…walk, run (or crawl if needed) to the doctor..they can sometimes actually help…even if you are convinced, like I was, that they can’t. And tell your people how you are feeling…and they will remind you that, like all the other times, there is a way out! xoxo

    Amy recently posted The one where I fled..

  157. what they all said. <3

  158. #71 – Shelle, all of the comments have wonderful suggestions. I, unfortunately, don’t have anything specific to add, but I wanted you to know that you’re NOT alone — we’re all here with you. I’m sending a virtual hug your way! <3

  159. Because wine. Exactly. All my best and worst stories either end or start with that.

    I’m still praying for that one perfect drug or drug cocktail that will make me quit feeling like I’m underwater. Here’s to hope.

    Because wine.

    jennie lynn recently posted Closing The Door.

  160. I don’t like people in general, but you? I like. I hope you feel better soon.

    RachRiot recently posted The Perfect Trip.

  161. Thank you for this post. Fell into the pit nearly a month ago now. Started with the death of my grandmother and then was followed by an avalanche of other shit. I don’t know about anybody else but hearing these things from a “stranger” (at least for me) seems to help more than hearing it from friends and family. It keeps lying that they are only telling me they care and it will get better and everything else because they are my friends. They are just saying it because thats what you are supposed to say when things get bad. But it’s not the truth. They are just saying it because that’s what friends are supposed to do. When it comes from someone that doesn’t know you, and is dealing with it too, that has no reason to blow smoke up your ass these things seem to carry more weight.

    Haven’t had a moment of feeling “normal” again and at this point it feels like this hell is what my normal is supposed to be. And it certainly doesn’t help when I try to let some of this shit out and try to talk to people that do care I get mocked and laughed at by one shitty heartless little bitch for being “an adult acting like an angsty teenager” because she has no fucking idea what this shit feels like. And right now that one nasty bitchy little comment is doing more damage than all my friends trying to help is doing good.

    Feeling human again hasn’t happened yet. But when you say it’ll happen it feels a bit more true. So thank you for this.

    Bradley recently posted Geek Gay Pride necklace (custom item) by PyresRPGear.

  162. I love that song.
    You are such a valuable human being, whether you feel good or bad. Your bravery has helped so many of us, but we don’t need you to be strong. We just need you to be you.

  163. I’ve read over a hundred comments now. I’m pretty much bawling. But the best part? I can’t tell which are the sad tears and which are the happy ones. That means the good outweighs the bad. No lie.

    Shelley recently posted Ice Cream Trucks, Chocolate, Wine and Taylor Swift.

  164. 165
    Marianne Barrier

    What often helps me at times is a movie or TV show from my collection to fit my mood.

    Comedies/rom coms when I need a laugh (Dave, You’ve Got Mail, Blazing Saddles), action movies when I want to feel empowered (Laura Croft Tomb Raider, Spiderman, Buffy the Vampire Slayer – I just rewatched the entire series), or a drama when I need to cry (Phantom of the Opera – with Gerard Butler, An Affair to Remember, Pay it Forward).

    Hugs!

  165. Thank you for sharing your life with us. I’m bipolar & tend to have more lows than highs. I was diagnosed in 1995 and it’s only the last 2 or 3 years that I’ve been relatively stable. But, there are still days when all I want to do is stay in bed & make the world go away. There are still days when all I want to do is cry because I feel so alone (like the last few days). You remind me all the time that while life might suck at this very minute, it’s not all bad and that laughter – especially the ability to laugh at yourself – is the best medicine. I hope you feel better quickly, Jenny.

  166. Its music here too. Music is good for the soul. This seems to be a rough time for a lot of people. Hang in there!

  167. Love and hugs. Jenny, your words have helped me out of many shitty moments. Thank you.

    Levi recently posted Book Burnin’, Pearl Clutchin’, and Idea Evolvin’.

  168. Every time I hear from you about your depression, it reminds me that I’m not alone with mine. And every time, I thank you. I want to thank you again for sharing your life and your honesty about yourself and where you are. Thank you.

  169. *hugs* I care about you! :-)

  170. Music here as well but I also try to avoid too much wine, rum, cider, bourbon, chips, pie, raspberry truffle ice cream (O.M.G), and bread, bread, and more bread. You know what would be lovely? If there was some kind of exercise that had the same effect as warm fresh white bread with butter and homemade peach jam. Just saying it sista’…hang in there.

    Lori recently posted Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes.

  171. Music. Music and the ocean are what bring me solace through the darkest times. Something about the massive body of water in front of me brings me peace. If the waves are calm and gently lapping on the beach, they soothe me; If they are loudly crashing on the shore or against the rocks, they help release the darkness inside of me. And music … well, without it, life would be a lot darker. This song in particular, http://youtu.be/Vh40ekXoPio, helps to remind me that This Too Shall Pass.

    Jenny, know that your courage, honesty, and humor inspire and bring joy to so many of us. When the days are darkest, look for the smallest victories over that lying bitch Depression. Baby steps until you wear that bitch down and beat her back again.

    This too shall pass.

  172. Abilify has saved my life. Not with anything else…alone. Because my nurse practitioner believes in thinking outside the box when nothing else works. Hugs and thank you for the reminder to breathe. There is a new song out with those exact words (http://www.invubu.com/quotes/songs/show/Nicol_Sponberg/You_Are_My_God.html). Breathe in…breathe out. Yup, some days that is all I can do.

  173. ((hugs)) I feel like I could have written this post.

  174. For what it’s worth, I think you’re amazing. Depression Lies is a huge velvet banner carried into battle every day. I tell myself anxiety lies too. Especially when it hits me in the middle of the night and there is no one to call but the nurseline. And I explain I feel like I’m dying, but I know I’m not, but it feels like I am and it’s so infuriating to have the knowledge of what it is not matter a hill of beans and if they could just be on the phone for 15 minutes until my medication kicks in, it would be a huge help to me. And bless them, they do.

    Music is my favorite thing. I wear my iPod and thanks to BIGBANG (Korean Band) and the Clash and Acid Black Cherry I can go through the mall. And I’m out among people, but not overwhelmed by them.

  175. Giant hugs hun!!

    For me, my depression and paranoia was because my hypothyroidism. Luckily, I am “cured” through my thyroid medication. But, I still have days (even as long as a week or so) where I feel myself dipping back into that cesspool of self loathing and darkness. I am damned lucky to have a family that understands and a son who, at 17, is still willing to give his Mom bear hugs (though darn near bone crushing, they also shine a light for me!)

    I am glad that you, and others talk about it. It really helped me when I was at my darkest, wondering if I would ever be healthy (other issues with my lungs). Find your light and it will guide you! (Music, family, whatever works!!) You have us all waiting, and shining our lights!

    Thank you for being strong, for your weakness, for your beauty, but most of all, thank you for speaking out and giving hope to others!!

    ((((HUGS))))

    * Yes I know this post is sappy and corny as hell, but I am on the climb out (at the top now), and I tend to get all “fancy” with my words. *sniff* And emo!

    Susan recently posted Allergies (and the thyroid).

  176. I admire your braveness everyday. You inspire me. Keep breathing. Keep hoping. Keep fighting.

  177. 178
    Monique Hart

    I wish I had thought to show my brother your posts about Depression Lies. He killed himself 3 weeks ago and my heart is broken. I have been unable to anything since then (leave the house, shower, talk to anyone – they all say something stupid that just pisses me off instead of making me feel better). I LOVED my big brother with all my heart and I just cant imagine his pain. Fucking depression. Im pissed.

    (Pissed is good. It’s one of the stages of grieving. And I’m so sorry. I’m sending you love and peace and I wish I could just fix everything. ~ Jenny)

  178. 179
    Mary Jane

    The simple fact that “depression lies” is what keeps me from doing something stupid during the worst of a depression bout. I cling to it. And music definitely helps…one song especially, Every Major Dude by Steely Dan. Thanks so much for making me laugh and for being brave enough to share what you did here. I don’t know you but I am sending you a very big hug.

  179. Baby, you’re the greatest. You reached right in and described “IT” to a T. Not everyone understands “IT” but those who suffer with “IT” were all nodding their heads with you and saying, yup, yup, she says true. True story: I have lymphoma-but-not-aren’t-Ilucky-RA-or-Lupus. And depression. The mental illness has been with me for my whole life, the other, since January. But I’m okay because WINE. And because I have the funniest lymphoma ever (which I am only telling you because I’ve had two glasses on something called “786″ out of Sonoma and if you have issues with alcohol, depression, or cancer, I recommend you do NOT live in Northern California because our wineries and craft breweries are serious enablers). So anyway, my lymphoma is called SPTCL, but my friend and I call her “Fanny” because she’s on my butt and I take her everywhere. She’s a little lump and she made me feel like poop for a long time but now the docs in SF are giving me steroid shots to shrink Fanny that make me feel happyyyyy (Monty Python Holy Grail reference intended) and I decided that said shots are going to a.) cause me to lose the 40 pounds I’ve gained from being forced to sit with joint pain and general feeling-like-shit for six months and b.) are going to cause me to act outrageously ridiculous at least once a day and kick depression in the tushy. Now, this is not always possible when in the throes of a nasty depression; in fact, I would probably be quite unpleasant to anyone who suggested you can “talk your way out” of the black hole of depression. However, comma, once the veil has lifted a tiny winey bit, and you start to see the daylight again, take that opportunity to do something completely and utterly ridiculous. Dance to a disco song in the grocery. Kiss the cat. Use circus hand puppets to tell the story of how you met the love of your life, even if it’s just you and the bathroom mirror. Curl your hair like you did in 1984. And keep being the awesome that is you. And thanks for listening to my ramblings. :-)

  180. For me it is usually music and makeup that helps me get past the pain and the frustration of fibromyalgia with Migraines and IBS. I have started blogging about how makeup helps on my Makeup As Medicine tumblr (although it is slowing going there) and I wrote a post about how your Traveling Red Dress inspired me to start trying makeup to help me feel more bold and confident even when I fell like I can’t do anything.

    Hope it is okay to include the link to that specific post here.

    http://makingupmymindaboutmakeup.blogspot.com/2013/05/the-traveling-red-dress-and-bloggess.html

    Much love,
    Elizabeth

  181. i’ve been in a funk for weeks, too. it came to a head the other night. i was curled up on the floor in my room, picking up the chaos so the housekeeper could vacuum and dust the next day, and the dementors were telling me that it would’ve been better for my parents if i’d offed myself in adolescence. that i should’ve done it and spared them. because all i’ve done is raid their bank accounts for cash because i couldn’t make it myself. it sucked. it’s the first time in three decades that i’d not been proud of myself for hanging in there. i wrote this: http://bit.ly/18EkDZg. it isn’t anything i’ve not written before. but i couldn’t go to sleep feeling like that.

    (Your blog won’t let me comment on it, but have you considered applying for a scholarship for the writing workshop? They have two available and you have talent. http://form.jotform.us/form/30386715199160 ~ Jenny)

    c.c. recently posted gratitude: a second helping.

  182. Years ago when going through deep depression I liked to read and listen to very depressing books (Angela’s Ashes) or listen to R.E.M (Everybody Hurts)…kept things in perspective I guess.

    Depression sucks. You will get through it.

  183. 184
    Stephanie

    Hugs to you! It’s hard living with it and hard seeing loved ones go thru it. I try and remind my cousin as much as I can now awesome she is.

  184. 185
    something wicked

    I love you and thank you. It’s things like this that help people like us. That and taxidermied animals having conversations.

  185. I wrote a post about anxiety today because my hulk-like anger and manic excitement and bucket-o-tears-drowning sadness is getting out of hand. Because wine always works.

    Sammiches & Psych Meds recently posted Hello. My name is Mrs. Sammich, and I have an anger problem..

  186. Sending you and all the other people who suffer from the lies of depression lots of healing love <3

  187. I’ve only this year found that I too am officially depressed. Which is so weird because if you ask my friends they’ll tell you I’m one of the brightest, goofiest, happy people they know. But well, apparently that doesn’t make you impervious. Anyways- I want you (and everyone else on here) to know that the most HELPFUL things for ME coming to grips with this were 1) hearing OTHERS talk about it (you would never believe how many people around you on a daily basis are also depressed, I was shocked) and 2) finding and spending time with the friends that tell me “it’s OK to feel the way you feel, just feel it, don’t fight it or run from it” instead of spending time around all the people telling me to “chin up, you’ll get through this, carry on”. I think depression NEEDS to be felt, you can’t hide it or dust it under the mat or it will come back to bite you later. You’re doing the right thing by sharing this with the world, and- you are NOT alone. When you feel sad, own it, wear it, because you will and can WEAR IT OUT until it just feels like last season’s fashion. xx We’re all here with ya. (Oh and 3) finding a good prescription- it is out there…))

  188. I recommend a bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream and a glass of Chardonnay. Chardonnay goes with mint chocolate chip ice cream, right? I’ll check it out for you.

    But seriously: hugs to everyone going thru this.

  189. I am here. For as long as you want me, as long as you need me. I’m here.

    and wine!

    love to you. gentle hugs and wine.

  190. This made me cry. I’ve been fighting this strange shot gun depression lately. One day I’ll feel okay, or one hour a day, or a few minutes a day, and then all of a sudden I’m numb, or weeping, or furious. It’s exhausting. Thank you for the honesty of your post. It lets me know that I’m not alone, and that it’s okay to be a mess…. even if the people that you love don’t want to be around with you’re a mess. I will also find my way out of this, and I will listen to you every time you say that depression lies, even when I don’t believe you I will believe you – because wine :-).

    Amanda recently posted Claying Out.

  191. Thank you for this. I needed to hear from someone who has been there, someone who IS there, that it will pass. That ‘normal’ is still out there, waiting for its turn again in my life.

  192. I’m in a pit, but I’m climbing out, too. My bestie has terminal cancer, so aside from acting out our own real life version of Beaches (though I’m gladly forbidden from playing “Wind Beneath My Wings” at the funeral), I move across the country to begin a job and I feel like I’m failing miserably at it because my mind is completely elsewhere. I can feel the depression beginning to eat me and I feel selfish for it when there is someone dying besid me who needs me and not this shell of uselessness. I’m glad you’re in the world cause it makes all of this sound normal, and manageable. Love to you, dearie.

  193. Here in Moore Oklahoma we are fighting the battle daily. Survivors guilt, trauma from the storms themselves and being told by one of my kids today the things he did that day and say and the anguish of a 20 year old man crying and the failure I feel for not shielding THREE of my four sons from seeing things they should have never seen. It’s been a really rough month and a very rough day…I’m on two mess for resistant depression and it still continues to lie. We are taking at rip to camp Saturday for Father’s Day. We have to stop driving by the destruction for a few days, lose the technology and just be still. Your brave posts about depression truly do help.

  194. Quote from A Knight’s Tale – “With hope” always gets to me. I believe we could make it better. With hope……….and wine……….and precious friends. All the best.

  195. I’ve been to wine school and I assure you that wine DOES pair best with nervous breakdown

    Mary recently posted Alysa Red Wine.

  196. I’ve suffered from depression for 20 years. I spent those 18 of those 20 years miserable. I finally sought help after the birth of my twins (my second and third children) when PPD sent me further down than I thought possible. I have taken Lexapro for 2 years and it has made a tremendous difference. I can’t even explain in words how much better my life is now.

  197. Severe depression was shocking when I experienced it the first time, except I was depressed so I didn’t feel it. I remember thinking “If I wasn’t depressed, I would be really upset.” I got past it twice. A good therapist and pharmacological intervention until it went away.

    Anyone out there who is depressed – to the extent you can feel it, have faith that it can pass. You will be able to feel again. Hang in there and know that there are a lot of us who are pulling for you, even if we have no clue who you are.

  198. 199
    tiffanized

    Thank you. I haven’t had an hour of “me” in so long that I’m wondering if this version of me has really become me. This depression has lasted anywhere from 14 months to 3 years. I’m exhausted.

  199. I’ve been in a place where/when everything feels bleak, unmanageable, unresolvable. You describe it so well and, event at your most vulnerable, create a mechanism to allow people to not feel so alone or hopeless.

    You are, whether you know it, a kind of sunshine. Wishing you light in your own space.

    Amanda recently posted The Secrets of My Athletes.

  200. I’ve suffered from depression for years. I always dealt with it. But earlier this year my husband was diagnosed with a rare cancer. Tomorrow I bury his ashes. I don’t think there is a way out of this one. This pain goes too deep.

    (You will feel happiness again. It may be a long journey but you are worth it and I bet your husband would agree with me. You must be an amazing strong person to have dealt with such horrible tragedy. Keep that strength up and don’t be afraid to lean on others. I know it’s not much but you’re in my thoughts. ~ Jenny)

  201. P!nk’s “F**ckin’ Perfect” is my go-to on-repeat song when I’m struggling with the self-loathing that often comes along with my depression. Recently, when I was going through a really bad bout, my 12-year old nephew wrote some of the lyrics – “change the voices” “in your head” – on the palms of his hands and took a photo Amanda Palmer style. It made me cry my eyes out, but in the best possible way.

    ** NOTE: Both versions of the video contain graphic images of SI which may be triggering to some people. **

    “Explicit” Version (contains “the f word” in the chorus):

    Clean Version:

  202. have you read this chick? she’s fabulous, like you…
    http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/

    Paula recently posted unexpected honor?.

  203. 204
    auroragyps

    Yup. :hug:

  204. 205
    islaygirl

    thank you for this; i really needed to be reminded about the lying part. thank you.

  205. Thank you for always being the light at the end my tunnel. You’re one of the few people who can make me laugh and cry passionately. You keep it REAL. Love you to pieces!!

  206. *raises hand*

    I can’t quite write about mine yet. Nearly. Thanks, Jenny. You speak for a lot of people who can’t. Not because wine but because you.

    XXXX

    PS I have fucking loved that song since it came out, Sia is Australian and AWESOME.

  207. When you were in Seattle for your signing at Elliott Bay Books I told you “Every time you say ‘depression lies’ you change my life.” It’s true. And I hope that me telling you this once changes your life even for a twinge of a moment of time; depression lies.

  208. I heart you so fucking hard. Your posts like this save me sometimes.

  209. I personally enjoy escapism. A couple hours on tumblr, A few chapters of a really good fanfic or book, the magical world of badly made porno. Anything not involved in the here and now. Then once I reach that numb tired place, because no matter what I end up there eventually; I plan it doesn’t matter if I actually do what I planned what matters is I’m being proactive! I’m thinking about tomorrow. I may not have friends I can call or even confide in when I’m down but I’ve made up for that by facing the world with a uncensored honesty that has started earning me a good amount of respect from my peers they know when I’m weak, when I’m tried and when to stay the hell out of my way. It gives me a sense of control that helps me deal with my depression and occasional anxiety. I done know if that makes any sense at all, sorry. Reading it back I sound a little crazy but I’ll post it anyway.

  210. Hopefully your “eventually” will be sooner than later. The dark pit sucks and I hope light comes your way soon and picks you up lets you dance with all your little stuffed animals. ;) If you can’t get outside, just sit near a window and try to let the Vit D from the sun hit you. That and Omega 3 can aid in addition to your meds.
    Much love and strength being sent your way… we all will be right here when you find “you” again!

    Stacey @ Nurse Mommy Laughs recently posted Minivans, Meltdowns & Merlot: a book review.

  211. Jenny, I wish I could offer some concrete and adequate advice that would help your depression lift quickly. However, I want to make sure you know that you helped me during an absolute shit time. Almost 5 years ago, my son was diagnosed with a life-threatening disease and eventually was listed for a liver transplant. Sometimes, the panic was overwhelming. At some point along the way, I found your blog. For a while, it was the one and only thing that made me laugh. And when I found myself laughing, I would feel like myself again. I’m incredibly grateful that someone like you is in the world. So many people love you to bits. We are all rooting for you.

  212. 213
    Esmertina

    The way I know a depression is lifting is I am driving and I actually notice the beauty in the world. And I realize that I haven’t seen colors in a long time. The world was grey and I didn’t even notice, because grey felt normal. And suddenly a green tree against a blue sky is astonishingly, shockingly beautiful. Once I realized this, I started purposely checking the trees to evaluate whether I was doing better yet.

    Kudos on doing the small things that are huge. No one who hasn’t been there will ever understand how much of a struggle it is to do things that when you are well you do without thinking. No one claps for you when you get out if bed, shower, dress in clean clothes and leave the house to run a simple errand. But it’s monumental to fight every instinct and every catastrophic it defeating thought and accomplish the tiniest victory. Keep at it, and keep checking the trees.

  213. Seems to be the season for bad bouts of depression. I’m having a bad bout right now, and my fiancé is as well.

    There is hope, though. I’ve been in treatment for 17 years or so, and the best it ever gets is manageable. I’ve been on innumerable drugs and combinations of drugs, and none of them have worked very well for me. But, I just finished a clinical trial for a new compound, the first of its kind (an m-glu5/3 agonist, for those interested), that seemed to work better than any other drug ever has for me. It’s still a long way from market, but it’s promising and exciting. Very smart people are working very hard to help us.

    And in the meantime, there’s wine. And we’re not alone.

  214. 215
    Linda Thorn

    You rock, you beautiful, brave, brilliant woman. You will be back, and you will bring others with you.

  215. Omg. I just love you. I had no idea we both suffered from this horrible, life altering disease. I not only have depression, I suffer severely from anxiety. Many nights during a panic attack to turn to your blog. It always make me laugh, sometimes til tears fall. I then realize I’m ok and I’m pretty amazing and the bright side is I don’t have Beyonce at my door to deal with. Lol
    Thank you so much for the smiles. And laughs I’ve had thanks to you

    always remember this does not define you, only makes you highlighted

  216. Being able to call anyone must’ve felt amazing! Being able to reach out is the first step on finding the light again!! For me Cymbalta, Wellbutrin, my kids and kittens help! I have become a foster for a cat and kitten rescue. Each kitten and kitty I help keeps sunshine on my face. I hold back the dark with three five week old babies tumbling over each other and nibbling my toes. Thank you for sharing your life with us Jenny. You also help back the dark for soooo many of us!! ????????

  217. Really, really, REALLY (times infinity) needed to read this at this exact moment. Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU (times infinity).

  218. Thank you for this. I have just started my journey to wellness after over a yr of severe depression. Took me waking up in the hospital last week to see that I needed help. I can’t do this alone and need all the support I can get and knowing I’m not alone helps. You are awesome!

  219. *waves hand* I care. <3

    jen recently posted Slammed.

  220. I’m in a bad way, too. My Dad died in January and Sunday is Father’s Day and goddammitalltohell, I wish everything would just stop and go back to the way it was.

    But then I tell myself that, much like It’s A Wonderful Life, my life touches others, even though I don’t always see it.

    You’re my George Bailey, Jenny. Thank you for all you do to help those of us going through the darkness.

    Kris recently posted Tears in Heaven..

  221. <3 You sharing your journey helps so many. Advocates like you help erase the stigma surrounding mental illness. Keep on keeping on, you Magnificent VonTrapping Vixen!

    Katie recently posted Impossible Standards of the Impossibly Wealthy: The Age of Innocence by Edith Wharton.

  222. I keep telling myself it will pass. I do believe this. I just keep waiting for it to freaking start happening already. Patience never was a strong point, though. Figures.

    Knowing I’m not alone can help so much though, and it makes me want to echo it back. To shout it back.

    Please consider this a huge virtual hug, Jenny. And thank you so much for responding to my earlier comment I made on another post. Being “seen” felt awesome. Thank you a million times. Take care, Jenny, and everyone else.

    Because wine. Because cats. Because books. Because chocolate.

    Depression lies!

  223. Thank you, Jenny. Writing has helped me fight depression too, though it can be hard to get some of those thoughts and feelings down on paper, to really look them head on and process them out. Dance has also been helpful. What you’ve shared is encouraging. There’s a strength you pass on. Keep listening to that music. And thanks again.

    C. R. Boone recently posted Life with a Twist.

  224. Shy, long time reader, first time frightened commenter.

    Thank you for posting this, Jenny. When I went to see you in Chicago last year around this time, you signed a picture of Ferris Mueller for my cat Loki.

    It didn’t seem like much, but the last 7 months I’ve been going through my first RA flare/crisis and the pain mixed with the initial shot gun medicine approach has lead to a painful, sometimes pharmaceutical induced helplessness.

    When I can make it to the kitchen and I see the picture of Ferris with your autograph, I remind myself that depression lies. And that cats are fucking awesome.

    I am holding out hope I find my own miracle RA drug, because your tenacity and reassurance seem to come when we all need it most.

    Sorry that’s rambly, TL;DR thanks for being the shit.

  225. 226
    Anonymous

    Thank you for this. Especially today. I just hit my call-a-friend-for-wine-day, too. But I moved 3 states and don’t have any friends I feel like I can call yet. But at least the hubby is here and the wine cellar is stocked.

  226. Thank you. I’ve been struggling too. There are so many days when it’s all I can do just to get out of bed and go to work. Just that: get out of bed; get in car; go to work. I swear if I didn’t have work I’d be in the psych ward. Or the morgue. As it is, each night I go to bed hoping that I don’t wake up. But I do, and that sucks.

    Yeah music helps me a lot too: I’ve been grooving on the music of Daughter (I just love their cover of Daft Punk’s Get Lucky). Sometimes it’s Merzbow (but that’s not really music). So there is music and exercise and talk and drugs and they do help to distract and reduce the pain, but nothing will change the fact that I’ve nothing to look forward to except crossing over to the other side, which I hope happens sooner rather than later. But I’m not going to “push up the date” so to speak because I’ve seen what that does to other people and I refuse to add to the sum total of misery on this planet. I refuse.

    Anyhow thank you. It makes me feel a little less like a space alien knowing that someone besides me is going through this. And besides: whiskey. :-)

  227. I’m just stressed. But I deeply admire your fighting spirit. You are so strong, and the only writer besides PG Wodehouse and … I don’t remember anyone else who makes me not just laugh out loud but laugh until I literally cry. I took your book to a church retreat last year fergawd’s sake (we’re Episcopalians, so it’s okay) and you made the obstetrician laugh until she cried about the Asian women in labor thing. And by the way, she agreed with you. I admire your writing and outlook so much I talked the local bookstore out of the little cardboard cut-out of the stuffed mouse that I can’t remember the name of because wine.

    Leslie Scoopmire recently posted Reflection on 1 Kings 17:8-24- The Widow of Zeraphath.

  228. My son committed suicide when he was 19. I have struggled with depression and the desire to join him ever since. It comes out of nowhere, even when I think I’m happy. But reading your blog helps, so don’t stop.

  229. I understand your feelings completely! There is a heaviness that resonates. I had a piece in Huff Post today that you might like…

    Kelly recently posted This Holiday.

  230. We are all here, waiting and cheering.

    Karen Sanders recently posted Time Keeps On Slipping....

  231. 232
    Heather N

    The only thing I can think at moments like this is:

    How the hell does everyone make it look so easy? The overwhelming urge to give up is overwhelming. My daughter could live with her uncle and cousins. My mom would have much more free time since she wouldn’t be nagging me all the time. My boss could hire someone competent.

    I always feel so unnatural and out of place. I can’t live like this any more. This isn’t living! I don’t know how. The air is heavy.

    When I was 7 years old I asked my mom if God makes mistakes. She said no. I’ve never believed her. I can’t see any other logic. I was never supposed to exist. I wasn’t wanted. I am the product of a rape. The only reason my birth mother didn’t have an abortion is because she found out too late. Only reason.

    Yes, depression sucks. I’m envious. I’ve never felt like “me”.

    (If you hadn’t have been born then your daughter wouldn’t be here. There’s no way she’s a mistake. You aren’t either. Imagine if your daughter said all of this to you. You’d think she was crazy for thinking you’d rather have a life without her. The reverse is true as well. She needs you and so do a lot of people you haven’t even met yet. Keep fighting. ~ Jenny)

  232. 233
    Char O'Connor

    I read all of your post and read (and reread) your book but this post is the most profound thing I’ve read from you. I suffer with depression, anxiety and phobias and my medicine just stopped working for me last spring and I ended up in a php (partial hospitalization program). It was really hard and everything made me sad (I could pull weeds from my yard because who was I to decide whether something lives or dies) or scared (I couldn’t drive, I was afraid to be alone and was afraid to eat). I was put on a crap-load of faster acting medicine while the SSRI kicked in. It was slow and physically painful. I wish I had this post when I was going through it because I can say unequivocally ‘depression lies’. I know it’s easier said than done but I wish everyone who is suffering right now knows while depression is very convincing, she is a lying cold-hearted bitch (I have no idea who I made depression female).

  233. 234
    angie sutphin

    i’m still searching for that medicine too. my biggest hurtle is not being able to afford what does work. ((((hugs))))) btw, you are one of my “happy” places. thank you.

  234. 235
    Colleen Mullaney

    I’m in a pretty low place. I’m glad I read your post. I needed to hear that. Thank you!

  235. 236
    Mama Lynn

    My depression and panic attacks are usually mild, controlled pretty well with exercise. I commute on foot at the end of my work day because I live in the most breathtakingly beautiful place on earth (Seattle!) and taking that 2 mile hike up the highest hill every day to come out on top (literally), so I can look over the beauty of my home helps with the perspective. A nice bold spicy Spanish red goes well with depression on the days the exercise doesn’t do the trick.

    And this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=740TB17Dsn0

    Because WINE and DRAG QUEENS!

  236. Ugh. Been there.
    Music. Sunlight. Friends. Wine. Hang in there, gir’friend. Thank you for sharing.

    Jill Pinnella Corso recently posted Full Disclosure: Why My Hair Smells Like Vinegar.

  237. I’m sorry for your pain. You are extraordinary for sharing your depression, for putting words to it and a face on it, and I try to remember what you say – that depression lies. It is my mantra. Thank you for that.

    Sending love and virtual hugs, as much as you need. I have an endless supply.

    Mary QoE recently posted Lost.

  238. I have printed this post up and highlighted it, and stuck in on the wall by my bed. And I will read it every night before I go to bed. Because I need to be reminded that depression is a lying bastard. And that I’m not the only one struggling to fight this.

    I needed to read this today, because I was at the end of my rope. My 7yo son, who has Tourette’s Syndrome and anxiety/depressive problems just admitted to me yesterday that he wants to hurt himself. That ‘the voices are telling him to drop a hammer on his foot several times.’ And it breaks my heart.

    I feel guilty that I passed on such terrible genes to him, but I know that I am doing the best I can to help him manage, through his meds, his therapists, and his Karate.

    Jenny, you are my inspiration. Stay strong!

  239. You’re not alone, I’m struggling with the same thing. And the last two days haven’t completely sucked. I know what you mean about having a tiny bit of time where you’re not so depressed you don’t want to move.
    Hang in there. You are a light in the darkness for me.

  240. Add me to the list. I recently was released from the inpatient unit at the hospital where I stayed a couple of weeks two different times (they released me-I have no insurance-but then took me back in through the ER)

    I had ECT six times and when I got out, my husband left me. So I feel pretty much exactly the same as I did before I went in there except way dumber because ECT. Except now I have an excellent excuse for things like I met a man tonight and shook his hand and immediately forgot his name, like in the next 60 seconds.

    I stopped wearing my seat belt. I guess that’s more passive-aggressively suicidal than anything else.

    I do believe depression lies but I also wonder if we are meant to suffer this way our whole lives.

    Summer recently posted ECTversaries, Duplexity, Sammy Jankis..

  241. Sometimes It sneaks up, and I don’t even realize I’m in a depressive episode until I haven’t showered or brushed my teeth for three days (or longer).
    I really appreciate your openness in talking about this illness. It is so important to realize that it will pass.

  242. Thank you. I came the closest to ending it yesterday I’d ever been before and part of what kept me going is remembering how you always say that depression lies. And today I’m almost back to normal and can’t believe what almost happened. I learned that depression lies not only about itself but about everything – all relationships, and fears, and anxieties. It confuses all judgments. Thank you for talking about it and I’ll be praying that you’ll be free of it again soon.

  243. Man. I feel you so hard right now. I’m amazed that I can go through the motions of getting to work. That’s about all I can handle. Actually doing work? If that happens, it’s a damn miracle.

  244. I need you.

    (I feel unneeded.)

    (I need you too. And I very often feel unneeded. Those of us with broken heads have to stick together. ~ Jenny)

  245. I just spent the evening talking to a group of family members who are looking for ways to support their family member living with serious mental disorder. For me, being in recovery, it means a lot to share with others and hope they find something useful in my experience. Thank you for being able to share this! It really means a lot

  246. Finding Nemo helps me. Or My Neighbor Totoro. Simple things that distract me from the black thoughts and give me something lighter to concentrate on. In fact, I knew my husband was the one for me the day that I was deep in and couldn’t find my copy of Finding Nemo. I need it when I get that down…just like I need water or oxygen. And I couldn’t find it anywhere. I was upset and had no idea what I was going to do so I texted him. A half hour later, he texted me saying he was coming over. He had remembered how much the movie meant to me when I’m like that and he’d gotten me another copy, then curled up with me and the cat and watched it with me twice.

    Yeah, that helped a hell of a lot.

  247. 248
    Robyn Kimmel

    I love LOVE love you. you are so real and amazing and hilarious and i just love you. you made me tear up with this post. i just thought about how your book is so awesome and made me feel so much better during a super difficult time. thank you for being YOU.
    Love,
    Robyn

  248. Hi..one of my best friends ran off to Disneyland last week with my other best friend. Since this is usually our trip..we have been going together for ten years..and they decided not to tell me..I am crushed..devastated. one of the reasons was “you are too sad”. I suffer from depression and have lost my mother..three dogs and two of my beautiful horses in the last five years. Even before their trip I w as having a bad spell where I couldn’t seem to get ahead. But each day I get up and put one foot in front of the other for myself..my family..my friends and for my small army if pets. The days where the sun gets through and shreds the darkness are moving and deeply felt. Depression fucking lies..every day..don’t believe it’s whispers.

    (If I wasn’t afraid to leave the house I would totally go to Disneyland with you. ~ Jenny)

  249. I got into a huge fight with my husband this morning because he complained that it took me too long to get ready. I told him it only takes me a long time because I hate myself and haven’t come to terms with it enough to be satisfied with how I look on the first or third or fifth try- even if I’m just going grocery shopping. I think I’m ready and then I look in the mirror and have to start over. Sometimes it’s just best to stay home.

    Good on you for creating a community for something nobody talks about.

  250. I’m so glad things are looking up for you. You are amazing, and wonderful, and make me and so many others happy to know you exist. If your depression tells you otherwise, it certainly is lying.

  251. Thank you. I needed to read this today.

  252. Music does not help me, it can actually make it worse. When I’m alone and feel like that, I cry like crazy. Like huge ridiculous sobbing crazy. The more ridiculous the better I usually feel afterwards. Just like you, I brush my hair for the first time in 3 days and consider it an accomplishment. I remember to take my meds: Accomplishment. I remind myself that the darkness and screaming in my head ARE real to me but it doesn’t make them RIGHT.
    When in doubt watch this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=anoLK7gjMog
    A pretty fantastic lady. ;)

    cassie recently posted wordless wednesday.

  253. Moscato. Definitely moscato. I love you.

  254. It’s fitting that this is the first thing I read this evening- when I got home there was a notice of eviction if my husband and I don’t pay our rent (yes, for June) immediately, which we’re still a bit short on. Part of the reason it’s so tight is because my husband has been pretty much our only income for the past few months because of *my* depression, and his job required him to buy a new computer this month. And of course, just as I’m climbing out of it (got a new Job! More money! Close to home!), the eviction notice to start pushing me back down. Part of me wonders if we should just take the eviction but as I’m also fostering a mama and her kittens for the next couple more weeks, I don’t know who would rent to someone with a total of 5 cats… :/

    Sorry for dumping on your comment section, but writing this down is helping me destress, as is even just pretending that someone’s listening :)

  255. Hey Miss, I am glad you are feeling a bit better. :) I was in an antique shop the other day and I thought of you, there was a fox stole for sale and the expression on this fox’s face made it look exactly like the character from Ice Age (the one with the acorn?) and I thought I should take a photo of this fur and tag it for you, but then I didn’t and now I wished I had. In the words of my guru Dory, Just keep swimming, just keep swimming. And if I ever see another fox fur with a slightly crazed expression I will ping you on twitter :) xoxox

    Kim @ Frog Ponds Rock recently posted Not really here.

  256. Many hugs to you.

    That was me up until last year. I finally got to the point where I admitted I couldn’t handle my depression on my own and needed help. My poor husband was so relieved. He kept telling me that I didn’t have to spend every day of my life miserable. I just didn’t believe it because depression is an asshole. Still definitely have my down days, but things are way better. For me, what worked was a Cymbalta prescription, then moving out of Connecticut. Also, I worked up the nerve to go back to school and even though I’m on some ups and downs, the downs aren’t as bad for as long and mostly aren’t completely focused on how worthless I am.

    KMB recently posted Thrift Store Fuquerie Is My Jam.

  257. So much love for you, friend—for helping us feel like we’re not alone with this jerk, depression, and for just being awesome and weird and funny and you. I just recently added a new med for my depression, which I haven’t had to do before, but I could NOT get out of the black hole this time. It really does come down to patience sometimes with finding what works, hanging in there while it does its job, and trying again if it doesn’t. In the meantime, I high-five myself for showering, get excited about silly tumblr finds, and take a lot of pictures.

    califmom recently posted Why I Care So Much About HPV.

  258. Exercise! I used to get depressed often, but then found the most effective and natural anti depressant – exercise. Sure it will be work in the beginning, but once you realize how much better you feel, it’s totally worth it.

  259. Thanks for being brave enough to put that out there for those of us who also deal with depression.

  260. When I’m feeling down I like to watch old clips of shows like “Whose Line Is It Anyway?” I defy you to try and watch the Richard Simmonds episode without at least cracking a smile, if not bursting into uncontrollable laughter. The funniest clip is here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m8kHarxkIOQ

    Jeanie recently posted What I found at work today..

  261. Thanks for the reminder that depression lies and that we are not alone in this struggle. xxoo

  262. I love you guys so much.

    Thank you. Thank you for every single comment. Even the sad ones. Especially the sad ones. Because it’s hard to write it all out when you’re sad, and hopefully it’s a step toward recovery, or asking for help, or forgiving yourself or someone else. You make me a stronger person, and for that I can never repay you.

    Jenny the bloggess recently posted I’m coming out of this. Eventually..

  263. It’s so amazing how many lives you touch just because you are willing to be open about something we all hide from. You throw us a lifeline and I sincerely hope you’ve got a lifeline of your own to grab onto. Keep fighting. Keep rejecting the lies. Keep enjoying those unexpected hours of normal life when you get them. And when you don’t, remember how much you mean to so many of us. And when the wine doesn’t cut it, hot chocolate with lots of marshmallows will.

  264. Big hug to you! Before getting diagnosed with celiac disease, I nearly drowned in waves of depression (not to mention sporadic thyroid issues and even neurological problems). Hope you’ve been screened for celiac, cause I’d hate to think that a possible underlying cause of your suffering is being ignored.
    Most medical professionals are still unaware of celiac, so it’s significantly under diagnosed. Sad, because it causes many problems, including a higher rate of developing other autoimmune disorders the longer it goes undiagnosed.
    Throwing it out there because I think you’re the best!

    Linda recently posted Creamy Chocolate Mint Pie.

  265. I wish I had a cure or at least a help. The only thing I can offer is that when I get into a really bad place about my body, which I do all the damn time, and can’t face eating or looking at myself or living in this thing that doesn’t feel like it’s what I was supposed to be, I listen to Tim Minchin’s ‘Not Perfect’. It makes me cry, but in the (rare) good way. Also, I read your blog.
    I know that song’s not news to you, but it has resonated so much to me and been such a constant touchstone that I had to mention it. I know you’re not news to you either, but you’re amazeballs.

    Nara recently posted Neurotic Owlphabet, part 9..

  266. I’m so proud of you that you found it in yourself to share this with all of us. When I get depressed I can barely see straight let alone write coherently and I’m sure this resonated with a lot of people. It did with me, my friend. :-) I pretend I can meditate, but deep focused breathing is really all it is when I’m honest with myself. Maybe one day I’ll get to that “enlightened” meditated state yogi’s talk about, but for now that helps. That and wine. It helps relieve the funk for a few minutes long enough to make that phone call to my mom or get something accomplished until the next wave of fog takes over and then miraculously the fog lifts. One day you won’t struggle with it anymore because you won’t worry over it. It will ebb and flow like everything else in this world. Be well and don’t forget to breathe. :-)

  267. You are not alone. Yes, it will get better. And it sucks to be in the middle of it. WE are not alone. And it will get better. One thing that I find helps me is to stop eating sugar when I am really struggling. Somehow, just that one small thing (maybe because I can control it?) helps me move through the worst of it. Or maybe, just being a little bit healthier physically from avoiding the sugar helps. Or both? The other thing I do is to give myself permission to do a certain number of things (could be just getting dressed and eating a meal, but those count, too!), and then to not worry about other “shoulds” that I don’t get to. Maybe it’s because I can usually bring myself to do just one thing — and then once I am up and moving I can do one more… But yes, it does get better. Thanks for sharing this.

  268. Thank you for posting this, it teally helps to know that no matter how I might feel, I’m not actually going through this shit alone. I try really hard not to believe the lies that depression tells me, but it’s just so damn convincing sometimes that I just can’t help it. And then it fucks me up even more by turning into anger and I lash out at my poor fiance for no reason and the wonderful man that he is, he just listens to it and doesn’t even tell me I’m being an asshole, just waits for me to be done yelling and then holds me while I cry. Because I always cry afterwards because I know I’m being an asshole and he doesn’t deserve my rage and then I hate myself even more for yelling at him in the first place. It’s a vicious, shitty circle and I hate it!

  269. Thank you, and ((hug)). And thank you for sharing your life with us. My best friend and I admire you and discuss you at least weekly. :-) For her housewarming she found a metal chicken named Klepto on her front porch. I’m aiming for the giant metal peacock for my deck! :-D

  270. As my mom would say (quoting John Irving): “Keep passing open windows!”

  271. I know it feels like you’re alone, even if you logically know that its not true. It seems like nobody cares anyways and that things are so horrible that they will never get better. Its like staring into complete darkness and not being able to find any source of light, no matter how hard you try. I’ve been there. But things will always get better, whether you believe it or not, because the darkness and depression is going to lie to you. The only way they won’t get better, is if you stop fighting. You have to keep fighting for you, for your husband, for your baby girl, for the cat with the extra toes.

    Nothing has ever really helped me completely, but a few things have helped at least a little. Music is a big one. Especially something that I can play unreasonably loud and just scream along with like an angsty thirteen year old goth kid (ehem, I wonder how I discovered that…) (I’d like to suggest The Call by Matt Kennon and Skyscraper by Demi Lovato, because they have both helped me too.) Another one is writing poetry. 9/10 the poems are never seen by anyone besides me, but channeling the emotions helps. I don’t plan it. I just write and I read the end product when its done.

    I think I speak for everyone here, when I say that we will all be here if you ever need anything.

    Rachel recently posted Ugh..

  272. I understand. I can say that having struggled for the last year with overwhelming depression and frustration I’m at a point where the frustration issues are mostly resolved.
    3 antipsycotics, one hospitalization for stroke symptoms induced by the meds, and an ongoing argument with the special needs department of our local school district.
    My meds have been adjusted (yay), both children are in programs to address their issues (autism and severe social anxiety), and it is summer vacation (I can get better and more regular sleep). I’m ok right now, I know shit will be overwhelming and bad again, but it will be good again too.
    For me personally, you have been a bit of a lighthouse. You make me laugh, I’ve read you book 4 or 5 times. I even got the paper version because you added another chapter… and I’m a little obsessive that way.

    I really hope things head on the upswing of your cycle soon.

    Depression really is a lieing asshole.
    But you have a cool job, and we are all hanging on your everyword (no pressure but we care enough to pay attention and there are thousands of us out here).

  273. 274
    Jason Dick

    Hell yes we care, Jenny! Your posts can always bring a smile to my face, even if there are a few tears to go along with it. I really do hope it’s not long before you’re feeling normal again.

  274. I have depression and chronic pain (and ptsd) as well. I get it. I adore you and your thoughts on life. The world would be a much less bright place without you in it. I also get that when the depression hits you/we disconnect with the world and everyone in it. Apathy and whatnot….but wine. Wine! ((((hugs))))) D-0 turn your computer sideways and you can see the tiny wine glass I made there. See D-0 or maybe I am delusional. Whatevs I’m going out for more wine.

  275. I don’t know. I struggle all the time. I don’t have long periods, I have times in the day when I’m distracted, and then it comes back in a rush. I just realized recently it’s been that way since I can remember. I think I can live with it. I have for a long time.

    Oh, and Brandi Carlile, That Wasn’t Me.

    Sarah recently posted Still Strolling Down Memory Lane.

  276. big hugs sent your way! i don’t have serious depression like you do but i suffer from low-grade constant depression with ups and downs constantly. i have different triggers and become more susceptible when i’m tired and this week has been tiring. i was so proud of myself for dragging my butt out of bed and getting to work almost on time this morning when all i wanted to do was crawl back in bed and sleep the day away. little victories like that make me smile cuz sometimes the depression wins. but today it didn’t!

  277. Hey, Jenny, re: possible suggestions, I’m going to share what I’ve observed in hopes that something might help you or others, ok? Have they checked your Vi D, Vi B and thyroid levels? If not, I’ve known many who have been helped by addressing these when their levels were off. (I know you have RA… Hashimotos is a common auto immune thyroid disease.) Have you been interested in trying a light box on dreary days? (According to Mayo clinic, 10,000 lumens has been shown to be effective – Happy Light is one brand I know folks have used with benefits.) I personally always recommend patients with anxiety and depression abstain from alcohol because it’s a depressant and does not let you get needed REM sleep. (Some may need to wean off under physician’s supervision.) I also suggest they wean off caffeine for two week to see if it helps. (I’ve known caffeine to make some very weepy or extremely irritable, especially at times during monthly cycle.) Two other things I commonly see that contribute to depression is inactivity and controlled pain meds. (A colleague who is a psychology professor with family members with mental illness has done research on the “Pursuit of Happiness” and presented his findings to the United Nations in 2012 – he was asked back. He found the correlation between movement and happiness is so strong, that even fidgeting helps.) I personally recommend lots of nature activities using all senses (well maybe except taste, lol, though sometimes you might be able to do that, too), especially for those with anxiety as, like with meditation and yoga, it helps put you “in the moment,” which is so healthy mentally and physically. Most who have benefited when trying these suggestions shared they didn’t believe me when I suggested them but felt it was worth a try and they couldn’t believe the difference they made. Prior to my current job as mental health therapist, I worked in a psychiatric unit with a psychiatrist who I feel was brilliant at diagnosing and prescribing. I’d be happy to share his contact info with you if you are open to traveling – he’s in Amherst, NY – kind of near Buffalo and Niagara Falls. (I’m a little south of there and it is beautiful here.) :) At the time I worked with him, he also administered ECT (the newer, gentler version). Someone dear to me (my daughter’s very good friend) was in the darkest throes of depression, finally tried it and she’s been managing very well. I’ve heard afterward even colors look prettier, brighter and more vibrant. My heart goes out to you – I’m glad you know to hang in there and that it will get better. (However, it does suck big time.) Finally, we all know laughter is the best medicine and that is something you so often help us with – and for which I thank you. I doubt you truly realize just how much joy you bring to our lives. I hope you feel better soon (tomorrow!) and that joy is around the corner.

  278. Here’s hoping that things continue to look up! ::hugs::

    I’m curious if your doctors have tested your vitamin and mineral levels? I’ll explain why: I have Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome. Long story short, my diagnosis was a long, winding road, and I’m still learning about the disease. Along with this, I also have Panic Disorder. Ever since my sophomore year in college (15 years ago), it has been a constant struggle with my mental and physical health. Depression became more prevalent, and I gained weight that I could work to lose, but could never keep off. About 6 months ago, through the Ehlers-Danlos National Foundation, I learned that people with my disease can suffer from magnesium, calcium and vitamin D deficiencies. I asked my doctor to run a test, and sure enough, my magnesium and vitamin D were WAY below normal. I started taking supplements. Now, six months on, I am feeling more like I felt in high school; more like me. The depression has retreated, I’m losing weight without really even trying, and I’m more mentally aware and alert than I have been in a very long time. A nap no longer feels like a necessity! Before I started the supplements, I would never have believed that a mineral imbalance could so significantly influence my health.

    I still take my anti-anxiety medication, and I still deal with the pain associated with EDS, but I can deal with that (I have been my whole life, anyway.) And I’m not saying that these specific mineral supplements would work for you (or anyone else), just saying that maybe there is a vitamin or mineral that might help. So ask your doctor?

  279. must be something in the air. I know a lot of folks recently, myself included, fending off bouts of depression.

  280. As someone whose depression kept her from being able to write checks at the grocery store, the fact that you can write this blog is amazing. We’re here for you in depression and out :) Sounds like you’re on the right path. Take care.

  281. For me it is the band 10 Years. I have all of their albums on my phone and when I just can’t do it anymore I crawl under my craft table, lay a blanket of the side, and stay there for as long as my adult life will let me. Even if it just for a few hours a day it makes all the difference in the world. I truly couldn’t do anything without my husband though. He is so patient and so kind. He has put with me for going on 13 years and we are only 31 and 32 so that says something because our generation is all about giving up and our relationship should have killed us by now but we love each other so much that we won’t let my depression ruin our happiness. As The Doctor has said “The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don’t always soften the bad things, but vice-versa, the bad things don’t necessarily spoil the good things and make them unimportant.” So I will celebrate my good things and always remember that depression lies.

  282. Thank you for sharing what you are gping through. I’ve been there much of my life and on and off of various antidepressants. I’m off now and working with a kinesiologist to keep my thyroid, adrenals and digestive systems working properlu. It has made all the difference. It might seem like woo woo, but it has helped me and so many others, and is a good holistic practice. Best to you as you find the sunlight!

  283. 284
    Allison King

    I think we need shirts and stickers and things that just say “Depression Lies”

  284. I’m so thankful that you share your thoughts and feelings. It helped me remember that depression is a huge liar.

  285. Dear Jenny: I love you. Thank you.

    I don’t usually leave comments but this one got me. Because, you know, wine.

  286. You speak so clearly and wonderfully about that lying bastard depression. Thank you thank you thank you for speaking up. The hope you bring is amazing. <3

  287. I think it was fate that led me to read your blog tonight. For weeks, I’ve been struggling to find something worthwhile to parlay into a reason to keep on breathing and as I sit here writing this, facing another weekend at my Mom’s, who is suffering from dementia, at her sweat lodge, I mean assisted living apartment, I came across your blog post. You used the word “paralyzed” and that’s exactly how I feel every single day. It’s an effort to even want to breathe. Between the struggles with Mom’s dementia and then my own health issues (diabetes, kidney disease, an autoimmune disease with a splash of severe lumbar degenerative disease with a chaser of a 50+ hours per week job), I feel empty and paralyzed. I have nothing left to give anyone, including my husband, my daughter and granddaughter, even my cats. Thank you for letting me see a glimpse of your hope that someday I can be normal again, maybe someday….generally, life just sucks right now, but, this, too, shall pass, right?

  288. Darlin’, you have my heart. Just adding my voice to the symphony that, hopefully, helps.

  289. “When I’m in a depression I want to write about it, but I usually can’t.”

    I want to write or talk to someone abthat I’m notout it but I just want to hide. It is posts like this one that reminds me I’m not alone and that it will get better.

  290. 291
    kathi wright

    we are all shining the light for you, jenny lawson.

    full of hope for you, for all of us!

  291. I’m a very young childless 48, my one and only husband of 12 years died May 27 after a cancer battle that lasted less than a month. He was my best friend, and I am supported by family and friends like you can’t believe, but oh how hollow and sad and despairing I feel because I can’t bring him back. I have our doggie, no, MY uneedy-dog-child to keep me going and to love, but I feel so sad, and I don’t want to create a new life without my funny and fun husband, but I have to. Your post gave me hope that maybe I will feel less hollow and alone one day. When he was sick I wrote on The Caring Bridge website and it brought me comfort, but right now it is all I can do to “like” a post on facebook or respond to a caring message with a heart or an “XOXO”. It is literally hour to hour living, with my only solitary “home alone” joy found in the birds and critters and flora and fauna in my yard that we once shared. And wine.

    Michele Cameron-Ruta recently posted "Oh Sandy the aurora is risin' behind us. The pier lights our carnival life forever. Love me tonight for I may never see you again, Hey Sandy girl...".

  292. I want to write something about how not only does it lie but depression SUCKS. Its just a shitty thing that happens too often to wonderful people. Luckily, some can find the dark humor in it when the cloud passes, draw strength and give strength. This site and this community is such a breathing example of the principle that when you are weak, you take strength from others and when you are strong you give it back out.

    Also, I think that “Because wine.” shirts should happen. And mugs. Because I would totally rock that shit at work.

  293. I want to write something about how not only does it lie but depression SUCKS. Its just a shitty thing that happens too often to wonderful people. Luckily, some can find the dark humor in it when the cloud passes, draw strength and give strength. This site and this community is such a breathing example of the principle that when you are weak, you take strength from others and when you are strong you give it back out.

    Also, I think that “Because wine.” shirts should happen. And mugs. Because I would totally rock that shit at work.

    Jenni Q recently posted Enough.

  294. you are awesome <3

  295. Good luck, Jenny. I hope you find your way out. I’m tired of trying.

    (Don’t give up. Just stay alive, and ask for help. You’re needed more than you know. ~ Jenny)

  296. Suffered from it my entire life, even as a small child I can remember being depressed as early as age 3. My parents just thought I was overly dramatic until at age 19 I almost took my own life. Finally started taking meds that worked and now, at 35, I feel like I always SHOULD have been. Like me, but a more logical version who is much less likely to not go to work for two weeks straight because she’s unable to resurface from under the covers. I still have emotions and a sense if humor but the extremes are gone. But the trade off is I have to stay on meds the rest of my life. Some people can’t handle that thought, but I feel like it’d ridiculous to risk my life because of some silly stigma about being permanently on meds. Jenny, you deal with negativity with humor just like I do, and I thank you for always cracking me up when I needed it. You are NOT alone, and keep trying different things until something works…new drugs come out for depression every day. You are in my prayers. You know, because WINE.

  297. I could have written this entry myself. So accurate.

    My body has a lot of issues, and one of them is that it can tolerate very few medications. I pretty much can’t take any antidepressants or other related meds, because the negative side effects are just too hairy and they don’t even really work enough to be worth it.

    I HAVE found something that has been working and I’ve made leaps and bounds of progress since I started it: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. I wish I’d discovered it years ago. I don’t have the money for a therapist that does CBT which is how it really should be done, but I’ve been doing CBT on my own with the help of CBT books like “Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for Dummies” and others. And even though I’ve been doing it on my own without the help of a therapist, it has still worked wonders. I can only imagine how much better it would work if I were able to afford a therapist.

    Of course, for those of us with depression and anxiety and everything else that is the result of a brain imbalance, CBT won’t make it go away or be a miracle cure. It just helps us learn to change our thinking so that it doesn’t hurt so much, or be so numb even. It makes it a lot easier to bear especially when medications aren’t optimal. That fog has thinned drastically for me, and some days it even lifts entirely, and I am actually, truly happy once in a while. Most of the time I am OK these days, which is a vast improvement over where I was before CBT. I honestly didn’t think I’d ever make it to this point of “OK”. But I did.

    CBT may not be for everyone, but you told us to chime in with things that have worked for us, so I did. And maybe what I’ve written here will inspire someone to just give it a try and see what happens, and help them.

  298. Wow. Talk abut a post that I absolutely needed. I wrote a small rant earlier tody to a small group of friends about how incredibly frustrated I am with that my Rheumatoid Arthritis hasn’t gotten any better in the two years since diagnosis. I *also* wrote to another friend about my not-so -good-friend Depression creeping back in and how I was trying to fight it off. From there an odd string of events eventually led me to catch your tweet and thus to see this post … so the Universe, She is ocassionally Good and Kind, somethign I was very much doubting lately. I know depression lies but I ery much needed reminding that people care, and I very much needed hope that both the RA and the Depression will get better. We won’t talk about the Fibromyalgia or the Crazy Cat Lady In Training issues. Because wine.

  299. Thank you for once again sharing what you are going through. I’ve dealt with cycles of depression since I was very young. A few years ago I sought treatment under the guise of PPD after my daughter was born 15 weeks premature. Prozac did nothing but make me fat. Wellbutrin made me almost violently suicidal. Then I lost my health insurance. Bye bye meds and therapy.

    I have found that music (Mumford and Sons is my current companion) and exercise are my best medicine, but I’m stuck in a pretty nasty low right now. I know this will pass, just as it always does, but sometimes I think life would be easier if it didn’t pass. There’s a certain freedom that comes with a lack of feelings. It can make dealing with my daughter’s disabilites and behavior issues easier. I just feel numb. If things get really bad, cutting seems to help pull me out of it, but that opens up a whole new set of issues. It’s hard to hide things like that from my husband. We’ve been married almost 11 years and he still doesn’t know how bad things get for me sometimes. I’m a good faker because I can’t stand his hovering and excessive worry. Some things I think he is much better off not knowing.

    It’s at least somewhat comforting to know I’m not alone in my feelings (or lack thereof). You are a very special person for putting this out there for all to see. I wish you the very best and all happiness.

  300. 80′s/90′s gangster rap. Seriously. I get in my car and put my Public Enemy station on Pandora and just belt it out. The absurdity of a 40 year-old, disabled woman driving through my neighborhood singing Straight Outta Compton can sometimes pull me out of myself. When I can’t leave my closet, much less my house, there’s this site:
    https://www.imalive.org
    It’s a live online chat and they are fantastic. I can honestly say that they have saved my life. Depression fucking lies, but sometimes it’s all we can hear. Love to all of you who are suffering. XOXOXOX

  301. It sucks. I am mad because I feel like I am constantly struggling and cawing myway thru life when I should be enjoying it.

    What sometimes heps? Cuteoverload.com, zooborns.com, adorably squee animals, and my fuzzies. And naps. And some wine. And more cute animals.

    My cat, Gus, is currently out cold making little cat snores and that makes me smile.

  302. Smart women with clinical depression. It’s a slog. Uphill, in leaky boots mucking in cold mud.

  303. Thank you for sharing your story. I think you and Glen Close should do a PSA about the lying bastard named depression. I would totally come to Texas to participate in a NAMI Walk with you.

    My 19 year old son has Bipolar Disorder Mixed and has been unmedicated for 18 months. He is doing pretty well but there are weeks that go by when he does not leave the house. He has been hospitalized four times and he tried to hang himself with an electrical cord from the garage door rails three years ago. I have sufferred from depression and axiety although not to the extent you do. My mother has multiple personality disorder and I have at least one aunt and one cousin who also suffer from Bipolar Disorder. Thankfully everyone is currently doing very well through the help of medication, therapy and support. You WILL get better Jenny and the world IS a better place with you in it. I absolutely adore you in a totally noncreepy way and I am so grateful for your willingness to share yourself with us. Thank you!!!

    There is a phrase I recall from my days as a bible thumper that says “a devil exposed is a devil defeated”. While I am no longer a believer I think tbe principle of the phrase is sound. The more we tell the truth to ourselves and others about what is happening to us or what we are going through the less power over us it has. You can get better, you will get better and depression, like all mental illness is real, is a liar and can be defeated.

    Just keep swimming because Hailey, Victor, Hunter S. Tomcat, Ferris Mewler, Rolly, all of your family, friends and fans love you, need you and are rooting for you!!!

    Much love,
    Rachel

  304. People do care. And we do want to read the angst, if you want to share. *We’ve been there!* For me, I’ll be back there again too. I don’t know when, or where, or how, but depression is a sneaky bastard that always comes back when I least expect it. Currently the drugs, and writing, are keeping me as sane as I can hope to be. It’s not perfect, but its ok. I hope you find the depression magic drug that fixes things for you.

    Shawn recently posted 4H experiments are fun. No really, they are. Ok, they aren't.

  305. My depression just turned around…yesterday I think. I think it did, it seems like it did. Yours will too. Maybe if I tell myself enough times I won’t forget it next time.

  306. 307
    Phil Rudolph

    I do understand what many are going through, not nearly as deeply nor as darkly, but I do have an idea of it. Know that as difficult as it seems there are those who are and will reach out to you in the darkness of your cave and at least sit with you there, and when you can they will get up with you and walk into the day. You are loved.

  307. I got a Beyonce, named Sir Jacob because it’s a boy Beyonce. I know exactly how you feel. You don’t know how really awful it is until you start to feel better.

  308. 309
    PrincessBecs

    Because wine is the best answer/reason ever, maybe because I drank a bottle of wine tonight. I wish I could help you just a fraction of how you helped me with your truth that depression lies. And, for the record, it sucks ass. I hope it gives you a break for a while soon. I know when I’m really on solid ground when I finally get the give a damn to actually bother washing my face. Probably weird, but there you go. Thank you for sharing your journey with us. You’ve given me the courage to stop being silent about my illness, and I refuse to feel guilt any longer for something I can’t control. Much love and hugs to you.

  309. Try a paleo diet (or at least wheat/sugar free) for a few weeks. It’s making a huge difference for a lot of people who deal with depression and/or all sorts of physical ailments. It’s not to be a short-term diet, but rather a lifetime change.

  310. this song was the right cure for me today. I’m not fighting depression… I’m fighting an asshole, life-sucking boss, trying to deafen my sound and shunning the light out of me. But I won’t fall. This too shall pass. Meanwhile, ‘because wine’.

    debby recently posted Open heart..

  311. Had a rough cour weeks too! Have you tried VIibryd? New med for mdd works great for me!

  312. 313
    BrewWench

    You’re funny, even when you are sad. I think that shows grit. Whilst I love the stories of the metal chicken and the crazy kitty kats, I also adore these posts. It’s both sides of you. I like that. You are good. And loved.

  313. This made me tear up a bit. My step-mother is bi-polar and for the past several months she’s been deep in a depressive state. She called me today to let me know that she had turned a corner and found her kernel of corn (a reference to Allie’s blog post http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/ ) I’m so grateful to you and bloggers like Allie that give those of us that don’t suffer from depression insight into what the people we love are battling against. It’s a big deal. I thank you. My family thanks you. You’ve played such a big role in helping us understand how to help and be there for her. You are awesome!

    I have a lovely riesling in a cat, if you’re interested.

    Julie You Jest recently posted Everyone at HGTV is a big liar! I’m talking to you, Lara Spencer and all you other home makeover’ers..

  314. My husband is deploying in 39 days. I have been a mess, he is trying his best to be my rock. And I quoted you to him yesterday….Depression Lies.

    Thank you for being brave enough to share your truth. You are helping the troops and probably didnt even realize it, or maybe you did. Anyway, thank you. I need this reminder. Thank you for being brave. Something that is said about soldiers applies here, I feel, being brave doesn’t mean you aren’t scared, it means you go any way. This is what I think of you. You’re hero material, lady!

  315. Thank you for sharing your struggle. You are brave and wonderful. Just in case it might help you or anyone else reading, I’ll share what finally helped me. After 6 years of cycling severe depression, three hospitalizations, and two suicide attempts later, a new doctor prescribed lithium. It’s been two years since my last major episode. I thank the universe every night for this wonderful drug that has given me a chance to live again. So, for anyone out there with cycling, bad-nasty depression, it might be worth talking to a doctor again, because you might be misdiagnosed and have bipolar II disorder like me. Take care of yourselves, and you’re not alone.

  316. A block from my house is a big metal chicken on an upstairs balcony. It’s not as fabulous as Beyonce, but every time I pass it I laugh and think of you. And censor myself. Because I don’t want to become known as that lady who rides around on her bike hollering Knock Knock Motherfucker.
    (I am going to make myself a KKMF necklace, though). <3

  317. Sending love and support your way. Thanks to you and others who articulate so well exactly what depression is like, I don’t feel so alone in this anymore.

  318. When I am depressed I watch Ellen and make sure to read your blog daily. Oh, and I take lots and lots of meds. Thank you for just being you each day.

  319. Xoxoxo. Searching phrases on Pinterest such as “hilarity” and “awesome” and “died laughing” can find you some funny stuff. Or stuff that isn’t as funny as the commenter thought, which then at least gives you something to think about that isn’t about you. Sometimes you have to find any thought, no matter how seemingly inane, that is “just distracting/interesting enough” to keep going.

  320. I care. xoxo

    Joules recently posted Serenity Now.

  321. Thank you for sharing. Thank you for because wine. Thank you for reminding me that people care about you and me. Just keep breathing and keep calling the bastard depression the liar that it is. Enjoy the moments of coming back to life and allow yourself to descend into the chasm when you must, remembering it can never have your soul and the truth of you. We shall return. Because wine. You are an angel.

  322. I keep thinking I’ve found the thing that fixes me, because I feel better for a while, but then it comes back. So I just don’t know what to say. It just makes me so tired. I am tired of trying to find a way to fix me. And I’m tired of being tired. Sometimes I feel better, but then that makes me anxious because I just scared of when its going to end. I don’t know. I’m sorry. This isn’t really what you asked, is it.

    (Anxiety mixed with depression is a special hell and it’s one I deal with too. Sometimes the depression causes the anxiety and sometimes it’s the other way around. It’s exhausting but one day they’ll find just the right fix. Until then? Regular xanax works for me. Also an anti-anxiety depressant and occasionally antipsychotics. Keep trying. If nothing else, remember we’re being awesome guinea pigs and maybe our great grandchildren will benefit from our drug use. :) ~ Jenny)

  323. 324
    Ben Venable

    We love you Jenny! Hang in there! :)

  324. Thank you. But I’m done.

  325. My little sister who is all of 22 also gets injections for her rheumatoid arthritis. Your story helps give her and our family hope for her own future.

  326. Titanium was my daughter’s song in the hospital while she was fighting Leukemia. The past 6 months since she died have, well, sucked ass. We will come out the other side. Somehow, sometime. Because wine.

  327. Just to clear things up: You should ALWAYS be proud of showering. It took my husband a while to come around to the idea that showering daily is just a waist of time (wine-time to be specific), but now he’s just so thrilled when I shower. Because Wine!

    P.S. I’m pretty insistent that he showers daily, it’s really only ladies that can get away with the every-other-or-third-day-if-I-wash-my-face-AND-put-on-fresh-makeup-shower routine

  328. Doctoryourself.com has some amazing info on various disorders (including depression) and which vitamins help what. Unfortunately, this is information from medical journals which are NOT indexed by the National Library of Medicine, so few doctors know about these legitimate, study-based scientific approaches because big pharma wants to make money off you – vitamins are not money for big pharma. Anyway, there are a million links on the left sidebar and they’ve changed the lives of many people I love. There are links to books by the site’s author as well, and he has written one on curing depression via foods and vitamins.

    There may be a doctor near you who can supplement your current healing by advising you on this, and since this type of work is called orthomolecular medicine, look no further than orthomolecular.org to find an MD near you.

    I hope you get better soon. I’ve been slogging through myself, and been faking it pretty well, or finding props to pretend I don’t feel so awful and alone. ::hugs::

    Jenna recently posted Not Worth Reading.

  329. Google ketamine and NPR. I recently heard a spot on using this drug to treat major depression with amazing results. Thinking of you…

  330. Oh, and I feel you on the shower thing. I think I showered once this week…

    Jenna recently posted Not Worth Reading.

  331. Many, many hugs to you. You are not alone. Depression lies and anxiety’s a whiny bitch. What helps – avoid screen time – when I’m in deep anxiety (which for me is worse than my depression), any screen – computer, tv, phone, is toxic. Which I know doesn’t work for your life. But seriously – try to stay away from the screen for at least a few hours at a time. What else – spend time outside. Ok, so you live in Texas and it’s summer – maybe invest in a screened porch? Just somewhere you can be that’s NOT in the cage that the house can become when the symptoms suck, but isn’t somewhere that requires the effort of “out there.” Other things – salt water helps me – do you have a place that helps you? That makes the universe seem slightly less shitty on a regular basis? For me, that’s where I can put my feet in salt water. For you, IDK – taxidermy antique stores? At any rate – you don’t have to find a “happy place” (I fucking HATE that term) – just find a slightly less shitty place. Hugs again. We are here for you. You are important to us. We would miss you.

  332. In approximately 10 hours they will having a memorial service for my ex-sister-in-law. She couldn’t find a light in her darkness. Please know that even in your darkest moments you are so very loved, that your leaving will have a profound effect on so many people. HUGS to all of you. And to Jenny, thank you so much for all that you do. Depression IS a lying bastard, don’t believe anything it says.

  333. therapy, group therapy, homeopathy, accepting the state of feeling down and connecting to where the bad feelings are in my body..what they look like, what color they are, temperature, sensation; journaling, prayer, sleeping, resting, heart to heart conversations have all helped me the most..5htp, dlpa, lithium orotate (all of those are otc antidepressants), fish oil have all helped me at different times. Cocoa products :) reading about other people’s experiences with mood issues and reading about their life stories, expressive arts, crying, taking care of pets. all of those things have helped at different times. sometimes connecting with a deeper thread that’s going on underneath the depressed state. There can be meaning in the darkness. Sometimes though we really need the biochemical support more than anything else. Hang in there. I’m saying a healing prayer for you. (((Take care)))

  334. I post but I think my comments get lost in the sea of humanity here. Nice humanity, tho. I’m creative and haven’t blogged or done art work in quite some time. I feel that if I did try art right now it would just be page after page of blackness. So what’s to say when you’re waking up everyday telling yourself to get up, shower, put clothes on… Blah blah blah. And yes, hoping and trying yo believe it will break because it has in the past.

    All of that to say, I get it.

  335. Will always stay and keep you company. Get well soon
    You are an inspiration to many

  336. I hear you and I thank you for reminding me and today I reminded someone I love of the same thing. Depression lies.

    May-Anne recently posted The clouds are parting.

  337. After weeks of depression, I got myself back about three days ago and it’s been such a relief. I find myself doing as much as possible while my mood is light, knowing how little gets done when I am crushed under my own weight.

    Maxine Dangerous recently posted The one where Maxine peeks around the doorframe.

  338. Some bad things have happened to me. Without getting into too many details, one song I listen to on repeat is “Silent Lucidity” by Queensryche. If you’ve never heard it, you can listen to it at this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jhat-xUQ6dw link.

    Thank you for this post, babe. I’ve been there and done that and have been trying to find a way to say all this to a friend who also needs help. I’ll be sending her this way today.

    You rock my socks.

  339. We got you girl. <3

  340. Music helps me too… and it’s crazy the way that it helps me. It’s like sometimes I have to use music to ride the depression dragon all the way to the bottom before I can start climbing out… So my playlist is Leonard Cohen, Pixies, and My Chemical Romance heavy until I can ride out on an upward wave of Mika.

  341. Loved your blog post. I have been up and down that road. I started taking 400mg of SAMe 3x’s a day and it’s changed my life. I hate trying meds for anxiety and depression relief. Google SAMe and Europe. It is a natural supplement sold all over. They have used it with geat success in Europe to safy treat people with drug resistant depression.

  342. 343
    Natasha Martin

    Saying a prayer for you and everyone else who’s posted comments relating to you. You.Are.Wonderful and you have so many people who come to you and your writing. *HUG*

  343. My mom has sever rheumatoid arthritis and (I’m pretty sure) undisguised depression. She has been told she has probably had it her whole life, but there was never a name for it. Like her lactose intolerance and depression, there was no recognition of these things as conditions. She was told she was just a “difficult” child who should stop whining–and keep drinking that milk, it’s good for you! My mom works as a nurse with lung cancer patients. She works through the pain. She works when it huts her to move. She works when it is a struggle to get out of bed because she doesn’t believe anything will get better. She does it because she does something that makes a difference to people. That’s something you should be able to relate to.

  344. I lost a friend this week, and none of us really knows why. He felt so alone he took his own life. If he could see how many people loved him, I know he would have been touched. Depression lies, and PTSD definitely lies. Talk to a friend. Talk to a stranger. Talk to anyone. Because you’ll see that the whole world values you and wants you to live. My heart aches knowing I’ll never see him smile ever again, and he had the best smile.

  345. last weekend I had two days of the worst depression I’ve ever experienced. like what the commercials talk about. I couldn’t do anything, couldn’t even want to try. I lay on the couch, knowing with certainty that I was failing my children, my husband, my pets. It scared me shitless. Day 3, and it was gone. Hats off to anyone who deals with this for weeks or months or years at a time. I don’t think I could.

  346. 347
    Sharon Jackson

    Here is another blogger also burned out….this is brilliant…
    http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.ca/2013/05/depression-part-two.html

  347. All so very true. Thank you for this. Music is my therapy too. And laughter. Thank you for providing that on so many occasions. I just found a picture of jesus on a dog’s butt and believe me, that gave me the laugh I needed.

    Mod Mom Beyond IndieDom recently posted The Second Coming Seen While Going.

  348. For me it’s not “wine” it’s chocolate. Isn’t there a red dress with hot pink flowers somewhere in your closet? Wear it and drink white wine (so it doesn’t stain) and eat some really dark chocolate and feel all the hugs from your fans.

    I’ve been depressed twice and that was what I refer to as “situational”. My daughter had cancer – she is fine now – and now I am in the process of moving my parents into assisted living – Dad has Parkinson’s and Mom has Alzheimer’s. I can’t imagine living this way on a regular basis. I think you and others that make it through are heroes and amazing. You are my idol because I know you face your fears and help others deal with theirs.

  349. I’m sooo glad I read this!!! I’ve been wondering what was going on with me. My usually depression episodes consist of getting upset over every little thing and stuff like that but I’ve just been doing the minimum expected of me and kinda disappearing off the face of the planet pretty much. Now I’m realizing it just might be my depression kicking in again!

    Katie recently posted IMAGINE LIFE WITHOUT TV.

  350. These are my fighting depression aids, other than wine…

    1. DYAC.com
    2. Trololo video on YouTube
    3. A great new haircut.
    4. MOAR WINE.

    Here’s wishing you a short and speedy road back to yourself.

  351. your writing helps a lot of us keep trying to get back to feeling. Thank you.

  352. You give so much to us. I hope all these comments, all these voices, bear you up. Think of your fans as the weirdest set of water wings ever, always ready to buoy you to safety no matter how crappy the pool.

    Beth Bartlett recently posted Weekly forecast for June 10.

  353. To all, as previously stated, you are worth it. I may not understand all of the pain, but I struggle none the less. My mom, in her attempt to encourage me, reminded me of the “how to eat an elephant” philosophy: one bite at a time. I joke with her and explain that I would rather tickle its tummy and just watch it dance. I like to make her laugh so that she doesn’t worry. But, seriously, whatever you must do to keep going, take those steps. You are worth it. For me I like to read in the book of John and I like psalms and all through the prophets. It may seem crazy to many, but God reaches out to those who cry out. Please don’t confuse my suggestions with religion. Honestly, do what you must, just keep going, Don’t give up! Like in Nemo, just keep swimming. You are wonderful, beautiful, and yummy people. I love each and everyone of you. Jenny, thank you for taking the time to bare your soul so that others could recognize that they are not alone and that they, we are worth it.

  354. 12:30 in the morning, can’t find sleep, again. restless and anxious and alone, a year out from the end of a twenty-year marriage – i find you, again. i read, and read again. yes, this beast is a liar. this beast that stole my sister’s breath will not steal mine. i am titanium. i am not alone. i draw deep breaths, again. i will go to find sleep, and rise again with the new day. may love and peace and joy light your way, and mine, again. <3

  355. Thank you. So many struggle. Depression lies – the scary part is how good it is as the dementors suck at your soul. I hope this helps you as much as it helps us. I needed this.

    Because wine.

  356. Your ability to share the realities of depression makes a huge difference in this world. You, as usual, rock. Thank you.

    Brenna recently posted Switched at Birth?.

  357. Here with you. Keep breathing. It will be okay. It will.
    I just keep throwing everything and the kitchen sink at it.
    I read somewhere that bananas help.
    Yes.
    A banana a day.
    I like bananas. I’ll go along. Can’t hurt.
    I heard drinking orange juice helps too. Okay. I can do that as well. And fish oil. And Vitamin D.
    I read that regular exercise floods your brain with all sorts of wonderful brain chemicals.
    Sigh.
    All right…… (grumble)
    And then there’s the Lexapro, of course. I think they may have to pry it out of my hands. My psych tells me that, since I’ve been doing so much better, we may be able to “wean [me] off of it”. Which scares the crap out of me. I’m not sure I’m ready for that.
    I have a wonderfully fun therapist with whom I click (who also sees my ADHD son) and she’s got me trying meditation every so often. I used to feel all weird listening to relaxation tapes and stuff like that (often I would get the giggles. Which, when I think about it, is probably therapeutic in itself…) The one she uses is the “Mindfulness for Beginners” series by Jon Kabat-Zinn. The CD is pretty cool; not too…uncomfortable or sappy or anything like that, if you know what I’m trying to get at…I can’t think of a good word for the ones that grate on my nerves and make me feel so…self-conscious….Which is strange to admit, because I guess that’s kind of the point, in a way, isn’t it?
    She’s also had me practice to shut down my downward spiraling thoughts that begin with “What if…..”
    I’m getting better at it.
    And the wine. Ah. The wine.
    I have to watch the wine (most UNfortunately…..) A friend kindly pointed out to me that it is, after all, a depressant, which sort of renders my ANTI-depressant moot if I indulge too much.
    Which I am wont to do on occasion, since the stuff tastes so damn good.
    Someone mentioned regular sleep. Yeah. Sleep is good. But too much can be another story as well.
    You’ve helped me the most by reminding us that “Depression is a lying bastard”. Something clicked when I read that. A truth that reached deep into my brain cells and shook me awake a little. So, thank you!
    Music does help as well. Whatever feels good to my ears and brain at the time. Nothing too morbid or heavy though. And sometimes listening to Laugh USA on Satellite Radio gets me in a better mood for a minute or two.
    I’ll take what I can get.
    I’ve become pretty good at distracting my brain to something innocuous and innocent and funny whenever confronted with something heavy and horrifying and depressing.
    I used to hate people who did that. Burying their heads in the sand!! I used to rant.
    Now I understand what a useful coping mechanism it is. I just get on the internet and search for the good in the world. Takes some digging. Have to un-see some stuff. Whoa! Next!! I keep looking until I find it.
    I had a close call with Cancer. I’m still looking over my shoulder, but it did give me a big kick in the rear in the sense that I realized that I really don’t want to leave this world just yet. Of course, that’s not really a technique for overcoming Depression that I would recommend to anyone. I only mention it because it did leave an impression on me that shook me up and out a bit.
    I still have my days. But they are passing much easier and much more quickly.
    Miracles do happen. They can happen. Being patient is a key ingredient
    It helps when you have someone to pass the time while waiting.
    You’ve got a lot of people here who will most willingly pass the time with you.
    You are doing good. You are doing good in this world.
    Things suck, until they don’t.
    It’s a cycle we’re familiar with.
    And we will stay with you through it.
    Here’s to when it won’t suck anymore (as I raise my glass of wine …. and wash down my Lexapro with it… :)…..
    Still working on it, as you can see….. <3!

  358. Hello there. I have depression as well, and it has once again reared it’s ugly head. There are numerous reasons that have contributed, but it’s easier to just say that I’ve had a real shitty few months. When I read Allie Brosh’s Depression Part Two, I wanted to jump up and down and yell “This is me! Someone understands!”. Especially the not wanting to be alive part. Because some days I don’t. (Which is entirely different than wanting to kill yourself, or at least it is in my head.) I do have that voice that tells me everything will be okay and work out for the best, but some days it’s harder to hear than others. I’ve only told one other person exactly how bad it is right now, and that was today to a friend on the phone; I’m still trying my best to fake borderline normalcy for everyone.

    I say all this, because yesterday I had that hour or so of pure happiness. That hour was due to reading your blog. My job is currently a phone operator for my company, where I sit in a room all by myself and answer incoming calls for seven hours a day. I know, my personal version of hell. Awesome, right? (Trust me, not my choice.) Anyways, I am able to mute my mic, and it’s a great thing because I was crying while laughing at some of your previous posts. Especially the horse bar stools. It was pure gold.

    Humor has always been my greatest defense and release. (Some of your posted ridiculous conversations remind me of my own with my fiance.) So know that while you struggle too, your ability to make us laugh helps in more ways than you will ever know. Now I’m going to go and finally read your book that I’ve had for six months :)

  359. Hello there. I have depression as well, and it has once again reared it’s ugly head. There are numerous reasons that have contributed, but it’s easier to just say that I’ve had a real shitty few months. When I read Allie Brosh’s Depression Part Two, I wanted to jump up and down and yell “This is me! Someone understands!”. Especially the not wanting to be alive part. Because some days I don’t. (Which is entirely different than wanting to kill yourself, or at least it is in my head.) I do have that voice that tells me everything will be okay and work out for the best, but some days it’s harder to hear than others. I’ve only told one other person exactly how bad it is right now, and that was today to a friend on the phone; I’m still trying my best to fake borderline normalcy for everyone.

    I say all this, because yesterday I had that hour or so of pure happiness. That hour was due to reading your blog. My job is currently a phone operator for my company, where I sit in a room all by myself and answer incoming calls for seven hours a day. I know, my personal version of hell. Awesome, right? (Trust me, not my choice.) Anyways, I am able to mute my mic, and it’s a great thing because I was crying while laughing at some of your previous posts. Especially the horse bar stools. It was pure gold.

    Humor has always been my greatest defense and release. (Some of your posted ridiculous conversations remind me of my own with my fiance.) So know that while you struggle too, your ability to make us laugh helps in more ways than you will ever know. Now I’m going to go and finally read your book that I’ve had for six months :)

  360. Dude,

    It’s a constant battle, this I know. And there are moments of levity. I cling to those like Hooper and Chief Brody clung to that piece of board at the end of Jaws. I’ll hug you if you hug me. We can share the gummy bears.

  361. 362
    Pia Torres

    Thank you sooo much for telling it how it is, my mom and I suffer from anxiety, panic and depression. It is hard for our family to comprehend and sometimes we are left to our own devices, but we push through and give it our all.

  362. Thank you <3

  363. *hugs*

  364. Thank you. It’s amazing how often you’re able to write.
    oh!, and I know that I can’t physically be there but I’m always excited to hear from you! <3

    intoabriarpatch recently posted I'm coming out of this. Eventually..

  365. Bless you and everyone going through this. And thank goodness for the RA medicine finally working. I was tested recently for RA but it turned out to be parathyroid related, which has given me osteoporosis, but I still consider myself lucky to not have a chronic disease such as RA. The Rheumatologist told me not to worry if it did turn out to be RA because there are all sorts of wonderful drugs nowadays, blah, blah, some of which are basically chemo drugs. I know she meant well, but I know people who have this disease and it’s awful for them and it takes a while to adjust medicines for it.

    So, I’m lucky except for the damage the osteoporosis has done to my bones. But hopefully surgery will cure the parathyroid situation and then I can start on the medicine to try to rebuild bone density. I go to the endocrinologist next week and I’m so scared that rather than doing the surgery to immediately take care of this problem, she’ll want to wait and check Calcium, PTH, and Vitamin D levels for another six months to a year. I’ve already been sick for a several years and the mental confusion, exhaustion, and chronic pain is getting worse with each year. I feel old, useless, and frustrated most of the time. I feel like I have Alzheimer’s sometimes it gets so bad. I have to take pain medicines that don’t help the exhaustion and mental confusion, but do help the pain. Luckily, I have a couple of doctors (well one is a CNP for my pain treatment doctor) who have avidly searched and tested until we finally got a diagnosis. I suspect they will go to bat for me if the endocrinologist doesn’t want to proceed with surgery right away. At least I hope they will. Geez, I just meant to offer sympathy and instead dumped my problems.

    So I just whined instead of because wine. Sorry. Chronic pain is awful to live with. Chronic depression is, too. Mix them together and life can get mighty tough.

  366. Thanks for writing this, you always seem to write about your depression right about the time I need to hear about it. I’ve been having luck with Welbutrin, so grateful for that. But lately I’ve been super cranky. But a recent hysterectomy, my son’s lung collapsing and rush into surgery (while i was still recovering from my surgery), my arthritis acting up (side effect of radiation treatment for my cancer) and my hair falling out (probably because my thyroid meds are off after the hysterectomy) . Hell, I have a right to be cranky, right? Except my son is doing well. He’s healed so quickly. And the pathology came back benign, so no new cancer to fight, thank God! Andeven though my healing took longer than expected, I’m finally feeling better. My hair may be falling out, but I have so much no one but me (and my hairdresser) notices. Maybe I shouldn’t be cranky. Maybe I should be grateful…
    then I get a reminder, depression lies. I’m allowed to be cranky. I can be grateful. I need to find better arthritis medication!

  367. You are always, even now when you are struggling, my favorite kind of person: a beautiful, brilliant weirdo. The world needs all of us who are “different.” Thank you for being you and for sharing yourself with us, especially now when it’s hardest. I too struggle with auto-immune disease. I have been in depressions so lengthy I can’t remember what it is to feel light. However: a clean diet has helped. Exercise has helped (I just do what I can). I had a funky genetic test that showed I didnt process folate, which is linked to depression. Now I take a special form (5-methylfolate). That has helped a lot. We are here to keep trying until the end so keep trying, Jenny. There is nothing but love here for all of us, if we will just look up and out to see it. Wishing you peace and light and joy. xo

  368. 369
    Grace Davis

    Dollin Bloggess – My pretend childrens’ band, The Lonely Planet, did an AMA on reddit the other day. This comment got to me as well as my brilliant pretend children

    “Earlier this year I had a breakdown of the psychological kind…It’s been a hard road to recovery…
    I fondly remember the time I started to enjoy life again, and that was when I was browsing YouTube and found “On a Boat” I’d seen it before, it’s awesome, but I decided to play it anyway for old time’s sake…That was the first smile I cracked in a good few months, while it may be just some comedy fake rap track to you three bastards, that song effectively saved my life. “These motherfuckers are on a fucking boat and they are loving the shit out of it, that is fucking awesome.” I started noticing the little things again, “My cat just tried to walk through a window, what a fucking idiot, that’s awesome”, “This sun feels nice on my face, this is badass”.”

    From my pretend kids: “On a serious note; that is incredibly meaningful to us to hear. We’re so happy that anything we’ve done could help you in that way. You’re not alone in that feeling. We and people we’re close with have experienced similar things, and the fact that we could help at all is incredible to us. Don’t worry, we hope to continue making dumb-ass shit for the rest of our lives. Thanks for telling us.”

    So, here you go, wonderful woman, some healing dumb-ass shit with love from Andy, Kiv, Jorma and me: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=avaSdC0QOUM

  369. Jenny,
    I came to see you during your book tour. I brought my 12 year old daughter to meet you and said something stupid and socially retarded like, “Thanks for doing what you do.”
    I’d mentally prepared for what I wanted to REALLY say, but I choked in the moment and got all weird and angsty and forgot what I had wanted to say. See, I also suffer through depression and anxiety and I’ve passed this on to my daughter. She reads your blog because she knows it makes me smile when everything else sucks.
    Here’s what I REALLY wanted to say that day:
    Thank you for being so extraordinarily weird and for making weird cool to a 12 year old who struggles to fit in with her peers. Thank you for talking openly about your struggle with anxiety and depression and most importantly coming out on the light side. Thank you for being a strong role model for my daughter by showing that you can accomplish extraordinary things despite, and especially because of, your illness. Thank you for doing what you do. All of it. And thank you for being so…you.

  370. All I can say is that I know because love. I was so lucky to find something that worked so soon. I understand what it’s like to not know if there will be help. We love you. You are not alone.

    Marcia McCord recently posted Reading for Myself.

  371. I don’t know what this is like for you but *hugs*, and because wine, and you are worth it. Keep waiting for the drug(s) that will save you mentally because it’ll happen. I’m really sorry that you are going through this, but thank you for sharing. I hope I’m a better friend/loved one to my loved ones struggling with depression thanks to you and your amazing community

  372. Breathe WITH us.
    You GOT this.

  373. Girl. For as many times your words have reached out and tossed a life preserver into the dark waters of depression that threaten to suck me under for good, I hope there are a million more people doing the same for you. I repeat the mantra daily. Depression Lies.Depression Lies.Depression Lies.Depression Lies.
    By the way, if you like that version of Titanium, try this one. It’s fucking gorgeous.

    ~GW_HPFF

  374. I stopped all my medication out of the blue. I just got fed up feeling as suicidal and all over the spectrum of emotions if not more then without them. I was tired of sleeping all the time. I am tired of the fact that functioning as an adult is the most challenging thing ever and seemingly will be for the rest of my life. Now I am awake all the time and I haven’t eaten since Monday because I haven’t been able to leave my house to buy groceries but feel like it wouldn’t have mattered anyway because my tummy is a wreck. I am trying to be stubborn and will do my everything possible to make outside tomorrow to buy fruit. I have been craving it like something fierce.

    “Don’t Leave” … That’s what you said and I am listening, but fuck. I am waiting for that break so I can breath and feel like me for those few fleeting moments until I disappear again.

    ppg recently posted No. That's not it either..

  375. I can relate. Thanks for saying it out loud. We know that this, too, shall pass, and I hope it does so for you quickly.

    LisaAR recently posted Embrace the Wedgie.

  376. Yes. Yes, yes, yes to all of it. I relate. I struggle to feel like myself–without the heaviness, confusion, sadness and what feels like yards of gauze wrapped around my brain. Thank you, Bloggess, for the top-drawer reminder that we’re not alone. Here’s to much, much more of that lightness you experienced for an hour today.

    AuntLefty recently posted I'm coming out of this. Eventually..

  377. I only recently stumbled onto your blog and have been reading everything from the very first post. I commend your courage to share your depression and anxiety episodes, basically to the whole world. I was never that strong, but reading how your sense of humour has carried you through (not to mention family and friends) has given me the courage to leave a comment. I know depression. It was the dark-winged follower of my eating disorder, and what a nasty bugger it’s been. I lost a job because of it. I just couldn’t make myself leave the house. The depression seemed to cause the ugly head of my eating disorder to rise up and tell me I wasn’t good enough to wear anything or be seen by anyone. I felt judge-y eyes everywhere (that’s another thing that drew me to keep reading-I make up words, too). My disorder is under control, thanks to my family and an amazing boyfriend, but it wasn’t always this way. I know that darkness and I know the light that follows it. I didn’t always know there would be the light and tried to take myself away from the world on two occasions, but thankfully some hand(God?)intervened and knew I was destined for more. Now I work out my emotions through painting and will be shown at a Lubbock art gallery this summer! I’m so glad I’m still here. To sum up, thank you for your hilarious and personal posts…..they do mean a lot to mere mortals like myself!

  378. I am so there with you. Thanks for reminding us we are not alone – even though sometimes being alone is all we want.

    whatimeant2say recently posted I Was Going to Include a Different Picture But I Was Afraid to Google It.

  379. 380
    Tanglegirl

    Hang in there. The magic medicine show up. It took me over 5 years of taste testing most drugs invented for bipolar II, but I’m ok almost all the time now. I have the right drug combo (strings and woodwinds, mostly) and can adjust the volume of any of my meds to work appropriately for my current/emerging state (another 5+ years to get that right). I never thought I’d get there and didn’t want to live through any more side effects (like being unable to focus long enough to read a magazine page, among MANY others). Now the emotional disturbances and side effects are mostly in the rearview and life runs normally. Not smoothly, but normally. Smooth would be boring after all the excitement I’ve had anyway, right?
    Good luck – I look forward to the post when you get where you need to be (and can stay there) and your husband and daughter (and readers) are right there with you. It’ll come.

  380. My struggles with depression have gotten better as I have gotten older. However, last summer, I didn’t do enough research before accepting a nerve/pain medication from my doctor, and by the winter I was in a truly horrible place. The don’t-get-out-bed-for-days-even-to-fake-it-for-the-kids kind of place that I haven’t seen in 16 years. Luckily, even though I cant articulate my depression when I’m in the throes of it, I was talking just crazy enough to scare my best friend who looked that drug up in her nursing guide. BIG BOLD RED PARAGRAPHS about how it causes depression and suicide. I quit taking it and can thankfully recognize sunlight again.

    That’s all just background for what I really need to tell you. On those worst days last winter, the ones that were dangerously bad, where I couldn’t speak to anyone, and where I spent hours google-ing therapists and never actually calling one, what got me through those dark, morose days was a constant, daily re-reading of “And thats why you should learn to pick your battles”. Between Beyonce, and you and Victor (who from your posts I gather is much like my husband, only funny…) and teaching my kids to randomly say “knock, knock motherfucker” (what? some of them are teenagers so it’s not AS inappropriate as it sounds), I survived it.

    Now I wish I had a giant metal chicken post to make YOU laugh when you need it the most but you’re just going to have to settle for something simpler. The knowledge that you likely saved a life and kept 5 kids from becoming motherless.

    Thanks for keeping ME company. More important than you know.

  381. I’m 60, been battling depression since I was 9. This past 6 months have been the worse. I cannot get my sane family & friends to “get it” & they are tired of trying to. I was watching “Storage Wars Texas” the other day and they had come across a 2 headed baby chick. I thought of you and smiled. Hope you feel better soon. This would be a shitty way to spend my golden years.
    Thanks sharing so folks can know that really fun and smart people can suffer from depression. Hyperbole plus One has a great graphic novel take on depression. I’ll send you the link if you haven’t seen it. Gave it to my husband to read so he would have a little insight into my world. He’s “on the spectrum” (for real) and so he literally didn’t get it. Sigh.

  382. You are the best…..so many of us with the same feelings. I am in a good place today and know that it is one day at a time. Hugs to you for saying the words we feel and can’t articulate. One day the stigma attached to depression will be gone and it will help so many more of us get through it. We hear you loud and clear, Jenny, so keep on talking!!!

  383. For me, it was discovering I had a gluten intolerance that was causing the severe depression I was living in. I almost didn’t make because I’d found a passive way to be done. Thankfully, on my lowest day, my son and a song by a friend’s band pulled me up enough to choose to stick around.

    I hope you are able to find something that helps and lifts the blackness.

    Joann Varnell recently posted Grandma Tour 2012 – Spring Break Edition – pt. 1.

  384. You are not the only one and every time someone else speaks of their experience, they… you make it easier for others. My cures are reading Kitchen Wisdom Tales, especially the story that ends with Cohen’s words of the Anthem ‘there’s a crack in everything so that the light can get in’ and keeping a positive diary. Enjoy the ride as the fog begins to lift.

    Every Hundredth Of A Second recently posted Weekly Photo Challenge: Fleeting.

  385. ” It’s amazing how much you’re missing in a depressive state until you start to come out on the other side. It’s like breathing again after being underwater for far too long. ”

    This is it exactly.

    Lisa recently posted self-care.

  386. Been there too. Still find myself there sometimes. Without my daughter I’d probably be stuck there permanently.

  387. Thanks for putting this out there, feeling pretty depressed lately myself for no particular reason, will have to follow your lead and make myself get out there!

  388. I appreciate posts like this for several reasons. One being that the more we talk about these crippling diseases, the more awareness we bring, the less people will feel alone and helpless. The second being that they remind me that I’m not alone and helpless, myself. I suffer from depression and anxiety disorder [including a side-order of panic attacks]; some days it’s all I can do to summon up the will to move from my bed to my computer, where I’ll often sit, logged into the video game I love, simply keeping myself from going AFK while reading a book while trying to muster the energy to actually PLAY said game.
    It helps to be reminded that other people feel that way, too. And that it will get better. And that other people know it’ll get better, too.

  389. Its been that week. I’ve been having random panic attacks and difficulty maintaining an optimistic outlook for more than a few minutes. I hold my daughter close after I’ve gotten upset with her because she doesn’t talk yet and I get so frustrated with the whining for this or that when I’m trying to hold myself together and not burst into tears. I tell her “mommy will be better tomorrow, I love you no matter what, It will be okay, bug”. I say it for both of us and I say it often. A 2 year old shouldnt feel they need to snuggle up to mommy and reassure her in whispered baby talk while gently stroking her cheek .
    Its an uphill battle. I just have to repeat over and over that it will end and things will be okay. I’d like to nap or immerse myself totally in a book or the internet but I have to function for my child. Luckily my husband is pretty patient and lets me rest up and runs interference.
    I’m glad the clouds are starting to part and you are feeling like you *HUGS*

  390. 392
    Tina Jones

    oh my gawd, THANK YOU! for putting into words what I really needed to hear right now, thank you so much :0)

  391. Hi. Sorry you have been blue.
    Curious about meds you feel are working with RA.

    (I inject myself with Simponi once a month. It doesn’t work for everyone and there are side effects, but it’s been a miracle-worker for me. ~ Jenny)

  392. Depression is a nasty, lying bitch and I am so glad this latest bout has started to lift.

    PS…I think you should add “Because wine” shirts to your shop.

    Kristin recently posted Perfect Moment Monday: We Got Him Back.

  393. 395
    Liz b Vegas

    I have been reading your blog for almost 3 years now (I’m a lurker) and haven’t commented until now but because you have spoken (typed same difference) the song of my people “because wine” I have been moved to post. I don’t have the same struggles as you…. Well not all of them anyway … But you yeah you make me feel sane and I love you for it and coming from me that’s saying something. I am schizophrenic not the way you see in movies it’s not always like that but I do hear really scary shit and I have physical hallucinations ( like I feel like my toung has swelled to the size of a baseball and I can’t breathe) you often talk about how depression lies but I would like to add that all mental illness lies sometimes in dangerous ways. I have control over my crazy and don’t need medication but I do often need to talk my self down and I have tricks that I have learned to remind myself that its not real. Sadly I have friends that needed to be medicated and were to ashamed to get the help they needed he is now in prison for attempted murder ( I wish I was making this up) ALL MENTAL ILLNESS LIES!!! Pleas don’t hide or stay alone if you need a rope please fling out a hand the quicksand of your mind can be escaped if you get help and you are not the only one. I spent years terrified that if I told people I heard voices screaming in my head that they would lock me up or drug me into a stupor I took a leap of faith (and my nuts in my hand) and told my mother with support from her and now others that I have told I have a safety net i know that if I feel like I’m about to go under I have help don’t cut yourself off from the people that love you (they probably know your crazy already and that’s probably part of the reason they love you)) we all have more lifelines than we realize.

  394. You are right on all counts. We DO care, and it DOES lift. This I know for sure.

  395. I’m glad you’re in the world! Please keep breathing. <3

  396. Thank you. {{{{{{Hugs}}}}}}}

  397. I used to listen to Pink Floyd the Wall over and over again until I could recite it almost verbatim (the entire album). But, it always, ALWAYS made me feel so much better. After about 20 years, I can still recite with a little nudge here and there where I’ve forgotten a word or two. Love that album. Saved me, it did.

  398. 400
    FushigiFox

    hugs

  399. 401
    Raven Carter

    Sorry you are having depression lately. I think anytime we are ill from anything, it sooths us SOME HOW to know we do not suffer along. Does that make us selfish bastards… probably! But hey! BECAUSE WINE! I saw a shirt today that YOU have to have! It says: ” I am an intelligent, classy, well educated woman who says FUCK a lot!” Hope you feel better for more hours each day!

  400. Lately, Wormstache has cheered me up. I added the link as a on my browser bookmarks bar, so whenever I’m feeling down, I can press a button and get a happy dose of Wormstache.

    KMB recently posted Thrift Store Fuquerie Is My Jam.

  401. I don’t suffer from the same kind of depression, but I do struggle with sever rheumatoid arthritis. I’m pregnant right now and can’t take my regular medication. I’m in pain and can ‘t hold my toddler. Being in pain, any kind of pain, really sucks. Thanks for reminding me that things do and will get better.

  402. <3 you Jenny!

    re Jessikins (#90) post — this is not crazy at all. I have just been encouraged to get tested for gluten sensitivity. I don;t have digestive issues but I have relatives with gluten issues. Some people are only affected mentally by gluten issues. I am going to try & get tested soon. Crossing my fingers that there is some REASON for my suffering that I can address!

  403. Love you, and/but one Depression 101 question: Is the wine thing a joke? It’s hilarious in terms of your otherwise very hard post, but I thought alcohol is not OK with depression and meds? Either I’m not getting the joke, or I wonder about people who think you are endorsing it during such a hard time?

    Not trying to be an a-hole – genuinely trying to understand. You are the best teacher.

    (That’s actually a great question and I am a terrible example because people with depression really shouldn’t drink. For me though sometimes a glass of booze and a hot bath is what gets me through a day and my shrink said as long as I limit it to less than a glass of wine a day I’m probably okay. I’ll occassionally cheat on a weekend and have a few beers but I’m really lucky that I’m a cheap drunk and half of a cocktail is usually enough to keep me relaxed for the whole night. I think everyone is different and I have a ton of respect for people who can get through life without cheap wine and diet coke and transfats, but I err on the side of being a little weak for all of those. ~ Jenny)

  404. I’m hopefully starting on a new drug for my joint pain that has been keeping me from walking more than short bursts (if I can get it from the company for free). I keep taking things and they work for a while and then stop, or they work pretty well, but then make my bladder bleed and break my girl parts and make me want to die to be out of pain… and I’m constantly afraid that my body will counter anything I give it by upping the pain because I am meant to suffer because that seems to be the pattern so far, but that just seems kinda ridiculous… and still, it is a fear. Here is hoping that this next drug will work and won’t give me cancer or allow an infection to kill me, and I will be able to really walk again, because I miss walking.

    JRose recently posted Life Lessons: Inside Voices.

  405. My depression usually lasts so long that by the time I get out of it I’m a whole new person. One thing that always helps me is reading your blog. Thank you.

    Ashleigh recently posted Depressing, Hard Day.

  406. Never stop sharing! Love you!

  407. Thank you so much, Jenny, and all you beautiful people posting here.

  408. I always tell myself “Good Triumphs” and I try, Lord knows I try but I am so exhausted. Because I try really hard to fake it, when people find out they are sure I have been “misdiagnosed”. If only they could hear my thoughts, listen to how they sound in my head (like Charlie Brown’s mom), or feel the unbearable inability to breathe, but they don’t. So because I fake a smile I must also be faking my diagnoses of Bi-Polar and my panic attacks cannot be real. They don’t understand how much worse that makes it. How much I want to scream but cannot muster the strength to bother. I feel like I am suffocating inside of a glass box. Alone, I always feel alone until I read what you write and I see all the comments people post. It helps to know out there in the world, is a tribe just trying to control a silent killer. Between yourself and Wil Wheaton you give our tribe a bigger voice, one that cannot be ignored. I have decided to get ‘Depression Lies’ permanently inked onto my skin to go alone with all the love’s on my arm (for TWLOHA) Each of the love’s I have now represent a time either I tried to commit suicide or someone I truly cared about succeeding in ending their own life. I have more tattoos on that arm than I should have. I want help and I need help but it has always been a colossal waste of time in the past trying to get someone to listen when I try to explain something that I have no words for. I will put all my hope with you that one day someone cares enough to look and a miracle comes. Until them I will just do my best. ***You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we’re apart… I’ll always be with you.*** and we will Jenny, we will always be with you because we love you and through this blog you have given people love, encouragement, and above all HOPE. So it is the least we can do to pay it forward. Thank you for being you. XoXoXo

  409. Sad is sad. Despondent is depondent. Neither is depression. Depression is its own world.

    David James Duncan said (in a short story about a friend who was riddled with grief at the loss of a friend who had to move on in a most magical way via a river) “You keep going! You keep going!

    I cannot know your journey, and I miss you when you don’t post, and I would miss you so much if you stopped posting.

    I do know this much…

    You keep going! You keep going!

  410. I was depressed from grade school on. After trying every single medication that was ever used to treat depression (whether marketed as an antidepressant or for uses off-market), years of therapy with a supportive and caring therapist, and the passing of a decade…a medication was finally invented that worked for me. It was a miracle. Life was good. Recently it started not to work so well (mood went lower then new symptoms appeared) and my very good doctor added in another (recently developed) med that affects another neurotransmitter. Life is good again. A simple medication (or two), and life is good. Even someone as educated as myself (I’m a therapist and clinician) sometimes forgets when in the midst of depression, that it’s a physical ailment expressed emotionally (and sometimes physically) and that I am in no way to blame when it impacts my life. But when I take that pill and life is good again, it underscores the point. Depression lies, as you said. I had to wait a decade for a medication to be invented that worked for me, but when it worked, my life changed. Like with your meds, it’s not perfect, it’s expensive, but life is much better. Hang in there. Life will be good again. A medication will come along, a miracle will happen. Just have to hang on long enough for a new medication to be developed.

  411. Oh and listen to Clouds, because Zach was amazing. Here are 2 links for the video and 1 link for the mini documentary done on him right before he passed away.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sDC97j6lfyc –his video

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7zxXAtmmLLc –celebrity video done for him

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9NjKgV65fpo –the mini documentary done by SoulPancake

  412. I know exactly how you feel. I’m currently in a deep depression with some psychotic mannerisms associated with it lately. So I’m doing my best to try and refocus on my writing, and the things I used to enjoy.

    I put a lot of videos/quotes and research in my blogs as well. Would love to know what you think.

    (((HUGS)))

    Here’s to pulling out of the funk.

    Angela Johnson recently posted Personal and professional integrity.

  413. I also suffer from anxiety and depression at times but I’m constantly learning how to conquer it when it arises. Recent behavioral therapy has been amazing for me. Our brains want to keep tossing up these long-ago learned unhealthy defenses that actually just block out the joy and the sorrow of life that is natural and human. Keep moving toward the feelings no matter what even though there is pain and sadness. Hug fear and embrace discomfort when they arise. These are as much a part of our human experience as joy and happiness and contentment. Without those feelings we wouldn’t be complete. When you feel the depression and fears and anxieties you can acknowledge it and own it and be in total acceptance of how it is a part of you and the feeling deserves your wisdom and compassion. Breathe it out, rest, have a glass of wine too. Forgive yourself for being human and stay with it until it passes and new feelings are there. It sounds like you are fully in your moment and see this right now and see how others feel it to and by sharing you have allowed others to share their feelings and compassion and wisdom as well. This is a great triumph for us all. I thank you and raise a glass to your glorious wit and wretched sorrows. The complete picture of you is beautiful and I embrace you with all my heart. xoxo sara

  414. 416
    Ruth Gordon-Morton

    I went into a deep black hole of depression after my Mom died. I never thought I would crawl out. Then the fog lifts and there you are, yourself again without the cocoon of pain! Thank you for sharing, because wine.

  415. Hang in! Your stories – joyful, painful, hilarious and heartbreaking – mean so much to so many.
    Keep telling them, we’ll keep listening.

  416. We all hope ours will be the comment that cracks the shell of black granite around you and lets in the light. Realistically, it will end when it ends, and not a moment before. But hopefully our love turns the blackness to a lighter shade of grey, and speeds the time when the light comes back. (Incidentally, and horrifyingly, when trying to type “back” at the end of that last sentence, my phone took it upon itself to write “BALLZ.” Yes, in all caps. I do not know where it learned such language. I don’t think I’ve ever typed that in my life. Unless I have.)

    I’ve been having piles of depression and anxiety lately that take the form of violent, incredibly realistic nightmares full of blood and a sense of dread upon waking. My brain thinks there are claw-fingered things outside the walls, trying to find a way in, and there is no real sanctuary. I have a grocery list of mental issues, but the same holds true for mine as yours. They lie. The rages and suicidality that come with borderline and bipolar will pass, and so will the horrible waves of anxiety, eventually. They always come back, but each time I try to meet them with upgraded artillery in the form of meds, my husband, and the conviction that I have a responsibility for the three cats we adopted. They are our furry children, and I don’t trust anyone else to love them the way I can. It’s a deal I made with myself back in 2007, the poisonous year. I was very close to suicide, and the bargain I struck with myself was that I’d stick it out until my cats (then two) passed. After that, I could leave. But as it happened, I found my Prince Charming in the crappy office of a music school. And now we have three furry babies. My sense of responsibility kept me alive when I otherwise wouldn’t have been, so I am grateful to my parents for instilling a sense of duty into me (military kid, of course). It kept me alive then, and it keeps me alive now, with the aid of my aforementioned artillery. I would lend you my cats if I thought they would help, but you have your own cats and your own strength and weapons. Instead I will send you my love, and all the willpower I can muster to send you exploding out of the darkness into the gorgeous firework in a red dress that you are.

    Tonight I will light a candle and leave it burning all night in my bathtub with the shower doors shut, until it burns all the way out. A little light for us all as a bulwark against the black.

    Adrasteia recently posted I'm in a rush, so two pictures will have to do..

  417. Thanks for sharing – the first very hard moments of the day seemed to be a little bit easier after reading your post and listening to the song. <3 from The Netherlands!

    Marieke recently posted Een slechte dochter.

  418. 420
    Barb Bristol

    Hold on tight Jenny! Keep holding on – you are an amazing, brave, strong and true woman. I can’t even imagine the strength it takes to write a post like this one. You are an inspiration to so many people.

  419. You are not alone, that’s for damn sure. I’ve been in and out of it for a while now. I’ve had crippling depression before, but lately it’s been the “am I really depressed?” days followed by the “shit yeah,” days.

    Wanted to thank you for posting that video. Music soothes the soul and provides what little healing we need when words, friends, loved ones, and sometimes even medication can’t provide. P!NK and Evanescence were my previous go-tos for strengthening music. But now I’m adding Madilyn Bailey to the list.

    Much love for you Jenny. Search for that shriveled piece of corn under the fridge. <3

    Untypically Jia recently posted Kaboom Test Labs - Where Everybody Knows Your Name.

  420. I love your blog, one of the few things that can make me laugh out loud at every humorous post. And then there’s your posts about depression, which have really helped me. I have a few very close friends with depression, including ones I have lived with. I tend to be a very happy and cheery person. Of course I get a little sad or anxious at times like everyone else, but generally it’s all water off a ducks back, I talk to my mum, she cheers me up and I’m over it in a few hours. So while I always tried empathise and support my friends, whether by taking them out of the house on a picnic, offering them a shoulder to cry on, distracting them, or doing their grocery shopping for them when they won’t leave the house, I have always found it really hard to understand. When they’re in it, they often don’t want to talk about it, and when they are in good times they sometimes find it difficult to explain. You explain depression so eloquently, I hope it has made me a better friend. Thank you thank you THANK YOU.

  421. I have had enough “successful” suicides or near suicides in my close family and friends that I’m starting to think it’s just me. I do it to these people. Well no, not really. I have learned to be scared by a certain light in people’s eyes that leads me to know that it’s on their mind. These days I come right out and ask. And plead for them to seek help. And remind them that I love them and would be devastated by the loss of them.

    Depression is one of the most cruel diseases of all because it’s so misunderstood that it’s isolating. People have so much more trouble comprehending it if they’ve never experienced it. I tell them the pain is real and is like an open wound. The physical paralysis is like real paralysis.

    I’m glad that you’ve found a solution for the RA.

    I hope that you come out of it soon. You deserve to. Hugs.

    t recently posted Fort Worden and Hurricane Ridge.

  422. Jenny, I had depression – it started after my first child was born. I can’t say when it went away – I don’t know that it has, but I experienced it daily at least until that child was 14 (I had 3 more kids, and the eldest is now 24). Some days I can smell it, waiting for me. I see it like a dark abyss, and just sometimes it feels so right to stick my head, my body, my heart in there. Somehow, I haven’t, not totally. I lived with it through the breakup of my marriage, and saw my kids suffer because of it. I took drugs, then came off them, then went on them again. I immersed myself in alternative therapies such as EFT and Theta healing – did any or all of these help? Yes, of course. I am well when I am in control, and when that dark abyss comes visiting I hunker down and rage at the lies.
    I send you virtual wine in the form of compassion and love. The truth that cannot be buried is in you because you light our way with your words.
    I will leave you with a Hawaiin ho’oponopono mantra that has got me through more than one dark night.
    I am sorry. Please forgive me. I love you. I thank you.

  423. Thank you for knowing how to say just what I needed to hear. Spring has been hard for me for the last few years (Sweetie’s birthday in mid-March through Daughter’s birthday in mid-May. In between is my birthday and the anniversary of both of their deaths, 13 months apart). This year I’ve had an exceptionally hard time bouncing back, and my normally supportive friends have all disappeared into the woodwork. Not really, but that’s how it has felt while I have been barely functional. I get the animals fed, and sometimes that’s the extent of my abilities for the day. Two weeks ago, my 81-year-old mom hurt her leg, and I’ve been having to focus my functionality on taking care of her (& remembering to feed the beasties). I keep telling my self the depression lies, and that this too shall pass, but it helps to know that I am not alone. You help, and your other readers help. Thank you all!

    Sue recently posted One Step Closer To Being Ready For The Zombie Apocalypse.

  424. Me too.

    Thanks, Jenny. Just thanks.

    Julie recently posted My big fat truth..

  425. Fluoxetine, bupropion and shitloads of exercise. And wine. Actually the wine might not help my depression per se, but wine.

  426. 428
    Annadanna from Canada

    I just realized I haven’t had a two hour period of feeling myself in months. So now I’m gonna try to fox that. Thank you.

    You are a wonderful person. This WILL get better.

    Annadanna from Canada recently posted Our love story will freak your freak.

  427. You do know how much you’re loved, right?

  428. I know the feeling all too well, much of this past winter and spring was like that for me. I have certain activities and comfort foods that help, and taking my amino acid supplement helps keep me from retreating completely/going numb (5HTP is a miracle worker guys, and doesn’t have the weird side effects of SSRI drugs). But here’s some wonderful music. Be OK by Ingrid Michaelson. Not only is it a great song to listen to, but the video is simple and very touching, especially when you find yourself in the hole. The end of the video is what the internet feels like inside my head (in other words, YOU ARE NOT ALONE). Enjoy you guys. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vpMI8Qu5fsc

  429. Hello. You are amazing. I first ‘discovered’ you when someone sent me the blog about Beyonce the Chicken. Well, I laugh every time I read that. You are so beautifully funny. Thank you for being so honest. I also suffer from depression and it is such an evil illness. My entire family has it and it messed us all up. I wonder why no one has managed to find a cure. We can only hope. It would be wonderful to feel ‘normal’ again. Whatever that means. Much love to you. xxxx

  430. I’m having a very hard time at the moment and today I had an appointment that completely scared me. I read your blog before the appointment and wrote “Keep breathing. Keep living. You are worth it. Depression lies.” on a piece of paper and put it in my pocket. It was just a little something I could cling to.
    Your blog always makes me laugh, and that always feels good!
    Thank you!!!

  431. 433
    Kompani101

    Swimming through treacle, I’m there, hugs.

  432. I was paralysied for 22 years.
    One day another “last desperate attempt” was ingested and 6 minutes later I was okay. That was 23 years ago this year.
    God bless you too.

  433. I’ve been slogging too. Hang in there, we can do it! I had to go off my meds when I lost my insurance 3 months ago. It has been really tough to go back to the feeling of hopelessness, but I have insurance again and an appointment with a doc in 2 weeks to hopefully get back on meds, so I am pushing through. Most days, I at least make it to work, some times I don’t. I pretty much lay in bed the rest of the time. It sucks, but i will get past it! I’m sure you will too! :)

  434. I have wanted to die for the past week. Depression makes the world shitty, my anxiety makes the world *intensely* shitty, and fibromyalgia makes the world intensely, painfully shitty. I can’t emotionally feel a goddamn thing and I can’t stop physically feeling pain and the numbness and the pain are simultaneously so intense that I feel paralyzed. Like drowning in ice water.

    That having been said, this post is exactly what I needed to read. Not that reading other people’s experiences with depression fixes your own. But it is easier to realize just how much depression lies when you can see the experiences of other people, as well.

    Music is my drug. I listen to Massive Attack because it feels like floating. Floating feels peaceful. Void of tumult.

  435. 437
    Frozenmirror

    Thank you. Just. Breathe.

  436. Please remember that depression is just time off from excessive awesomeness, and – as holidays do – it will pass, I promise. Your wit, imagination, passion and exquisite sense of humour need to recharge, otherwise you would use them up too quickly. My fingers are crossed for you, which probably gives me a day off, as my work consist in typing; normally I have no qualms finding an excuse not to work, but this one is particularly justifiable, so thank you, Jenny! Spreading joy even while depressed – you’re my heroine :)

  437. I really hope you find that one thing.
    Great song choice in the meantime.

    TJ recently posted Creative writing / Short story ~ Can’t be.

  438. I love reading your blog and I have a suggestion for your depression but knowing you as much as I have from reading your blog, you won’t like it a bit. But i’m gonna give it anyway.
    The best way to beat depression is physical exertion. In other dirty words; exercise.
    It has worked really really well for me. It’s simple biology. When you exert physically your brain produces ‘feel good’ chemicals. And physical exertion doesn’t always have to be exercise. Sex is physical exertion too.

    Aditya Thakur recently posted The Importance of Technology.

  439. That song helps me too. Also in the fug. We will be out the other side soon. We have to be.

  440. Music has been helping me too lately. That and re-watching Doctor Who. Though my problem isn’t so much Depression as Anxiety. The kind with a capital A and the wheezing and the dizzy and the… you know.

    Here’s the funny thing. In my own life it feels like I can’t cope right? But when I’m helping other people it calms my anxiety more than any drug I’ve found. (this is not me going and telling people to do this and go off their meds and such. Sometimes a panic attack is a panic attack yo, and this bitch be needing her meds. But in my daily life I’ve found when I’m most alone, and most without work (I’m a social work graduate student) I’m most prone to panic, general anxiety and finding myself at the bus stop with tears streaming down my face because life is so oppressive.

    But for now, in the summer, in a new city, between semesters I turn to my standbys when the wave of panic starts to rise. Music and great television.

  441. I don’t know if I first read this here or somewhere else, but it has become my touchstone-
    http://www.lettersofnote.com/2009/10/it-will-be-sunny-one-day.html

  442. You don’t need to be fixed because you are not broken.

    Kaitlyn recently posted Revised!.

  443. I’m on the up end of a particularly rough patch. … I think it will be a fair while still before I can actually feel stuff.

    I’m keeping a ‘days since last incident’ white board for myself. The ‘incident’ being crying from utter despair at how bad EVERYTHING is … which I had been doing nearly every day for months.

    Recently I got up to 28 days, which was awesome, then I fell off the weeping wagon and cried for three days. I’m back up to 7 now. There’s something therapeutic about rubbing out that number each morning, and if I didn’t weep desperately the day before increasing the number by 1.

    I have cried, I did two days ago, but well that was over the guy I like going away, I thought hard about that one, as it had linked to it a lot of the ‘everything’s over’ feelings, but I feel if I have to let myself cry over specific things that are sad, and well that was just sad. And I only cried, then stopped and didn’t weep uncontrollably for hours like I had been.

    I’m getting better, it’s going to continue to get better. I’m going to be ok .. :)

    Jillianne recently posted waking.

  444. I FEEL YOU SO HARD.

    I mean, I’ve been on medication for the past three months, but I think it’s wearing off because the past two weeks have been SO HARD, but then tonight I went out and had fun, and it’s progress, and my parents will be here tomorrow, and I have friends coming over on Sunday, and that’s all kinds of awesome, but…yeah. baby steps. some days.

    Amanda recently posted Random thoughts pt 6.

  445. I know this will be lost in a sea of comments, but I just had to comment anyway. I’m sorry your depression has been kicking in, and I am so happy for you when you can see the parting of the clouds. Your words have helped me so much at different times, and right now, I think of my daughter, who is now medicated for depression, and doing so much better. She just graduated high school in May, and she is on vacation, far away in Arizona (we live in WV), and just a couple days ago, she said she was so happy.. she’s had no problems with depression at all while she’s been away, and her allergies have never been better either. She continues to take her meds, so as to not screw with things, but it’s so great to hear her say it, and see that she herself, notices the difference. Thank you for your words, no matter how many or few there are. You are special & you are important.

    meg recently posted Pieces of a conversation.

  446. I love you Jenny! Thank you for being so brave and sharing these feelings – it’s nice to know that we’re all in it together rather than trying to struggle through on our own. ‘Depression lies’ is now one of my catchphrases, and it’s really helped me get through the days when I can’t see the other side. Thank you so much xx

    Nat recently posted A Little Bit of History.

  447. This comment is so far down I’m sure you’ll never see it, but I have to say it. About 4 weeks ago I lost my job of 20 years through no fault of my own. I then manage to fall down in my yard and tear up my knee which needs surgery according the doc and I currently have no insurance. I am capable of going days at a time without getting out of pajamas……and was thinking the other day that taking every pill in the house and then disappearing would be a good thing for everyone. And all of this while I have a husband of 25 years who loves me unconditionally and 2 beautiful, intelligent, grown daughters. Right now, the only thing keeping from taking all the pills in the house is that one of my daughters also struggles with chronic depression and I’m scared she’d see it as a reasonable way out (mom did it….probably a good idea for me…etc) How can depression eat a person alive while they actually DO have people that love them? Sorry for my little rant…..have to stop as I started crying too hard to finish typing. Thank you, Jenny, for your book and your blogs. Sometimes your blogs are the thing that get me through the day…..

  448. I wonder if the brain that is quick-to-funny is similarly quick to find those inexplicably dark phases! Depression and absurd humor seem to share the same synapses or something. I’ve been there, and it would seem I’m dipping my ties back in those waters again. Stupid depression.

    Todd recently posted A Visitation from Godzilla Beetle.

  449. besides showering two tips I also got from @Rosie…. GET OUTSIDE for fresh air and remember FEELINGS ARE NOT FACT. xxxooo

  450. Stupid iPhone. I didn’t mean to type an exclamation point. AND I’m not dipping my ties. I don’t really wear ties these days.

    Todd recently posted A Visitation from Godzilla Beetle.

  451. I went through a deep depression the last five years. I’ve always been in and out while growing up, and it has fully lifted since last fall.

    What changed?

    Everything.

    I discarded the fake and negative people on my life. While it might be easy to say now it wasn’t easy to do then. Some were friends. Not close friends. Not real friends. But people I chatted with occasionally.

    Most were family. I was always taught that family sticks together.

    I unlearned some things. Relearned others. Changed my focus again and again until I finally took a deep breath without feeling like my lungs would collapse under that constant doubt. I still have bad days, but they’re not suffocating, they’re simply frustrating. I look forward to tomorrow happily now, instead of dreading the same old Bullshit. I have not only stopped drowning but for the first time I’m sitting on the beach with a pina colada enjoying it for what it is, not licking the glass out trying to get every drop of alcohol to numb my numbness.

    Depression does lie.

    It’s hard to understand when you’re in it. But as someone who was at that deepest point you could get to without taking that last step-of-no-return, I can vouche that it can get better. Sometimes with a whole lot of work. The people in my life didn’t just help me. They carried me. It wasn’t until I let them that I fully understood how much they cared for me and for that I’m forever in their debt.

    So wine. But on an entirely different level.

  452. Thank you.

  453. Wow. Thanks.

  454. I’m just coming out of one of these and the related terror and anger at the realization that after 20 years of fighting it off and on (I’m 29), I’m going to be on medication for the rest of my life. Remembering that depression lies is one of the things that got me through, and for that I’m grateful to you.

    It gets better.

    Wait. Wrong tagline.

  455. If it’s any consolation – and it better be; I don’t open up easily – I’ve been off my game for weeks. My wife has a cluster of microcalcifications that may be cancerous in her left breast. She had to endure a stereotactic biopsy this week, which is to fun what Betty White is to porn.

    She’s holding up well, but I cannot bear the thought of living in this messed-up world without her.
    I love my wife.

    Victor loves you.

    You’ll both be fine, given time and faith.
    Be well, Jenny.

    The Hook recently posted A Harbinger of Things To Come?.

  456. Depression LIES!
    and also *HUG*

  457. what works for me is you. Your blog. when I woke up this morning getting out of bed seemed impossible. then I saw a new post from you and my heart felt lighter. Then you said exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you

  458. Hugs and fairy dust to you!
    I’ve been in one of those holes, too, for a while now. Fancy that. Unfortunately I can’t touch alcohol so no wine for me. :(
    What helps me is my cat and good books. Either in paper or as audiobooks so my brain doesn’t have to work that hard. And walks outside in the morning… And most of all being reminded through your blog and by your book that there are people feeling the same way everywhere.
    And now I’ll take my Harry Potter and curl up on the couch again.

  459. It can be the worst feeling in the world when you just don’t function. I cycle though stages of depression and hypomania tempered down by medication and when you said about congratulating yourself for showering that really spoke to me because I have been there,
    Please keep writing about how you feel because not enough people do it, never mind with the eloquence you have put forward.
    I’m so glad I came across your blog today,
    Feel better soon,
    K xx

    Ms. K recently posted Welcome to the world of scrawl.

  460. Thanks for putting into words what so many people struggle with everyday. It helps so much to know that others feel that same way at times. And thanks for that song! I am adding it to my rotation. XO.

    Mary recently posted Self-care.

  461. A few months ago, I hit the wall. I’ve always had what I call a “depressive personality,” but I also have tons of will power, inner strength, and an unwavering desire to swim rather than sink. Until I found myself sinking.

    What got me through? Two words: “Depression lies.”

    When that insidious voice told me that nothing was worth it, I said those two words. When that horrible voice in my head would berate me, I called it a liar. And when the voice told me that no one cared, I defied it and finally confided in my husband who helped me get help.

    We love you, Jenny, because you love us, and together we’ll all get through this horribly wonderful thing called life. <3

    Nichole recently posted 165/365 Keep Out #WDW #TomSawyerIsland #Disney.

  462. 464
    Katie Green

    Thanks for sharing this. I feel the same so much of the time. Explaining what it feels like to someone who hasn’t dealt with it first hand it is an exercise in futility I’m sad that we share a common experience, but I’m comforted to know that I’m not alone. Stay strong, fight the fight, cuddle the cats.

  463. 465
    Shannon Fielding

    Tears. That is all. <3

  464. 466
    Eleanorjane

    Reading all the comments, stopping to get up and get tissues and reading again.

    Huh, it seems I actually feel worse than I thought.

    I need those realisations because, unlike many here, my feelings are situational but I’m very prone to repressing them. I need to acknowledge – ‘yes I feel like crap and yes it’s okay to feel like crap about this’. Somehow, I still have huge voices saying ‘You shouldn’t be so upset about that’ or ‘You shouldn’t still be upset about that’. It’s been nearly two years since my Mum died and I still feel like there a lake of tears where my innards should be. If anything triggers the tears, they are there to just come welling up. I never used to cry (or at least maybe once a year).

    Basically, I’m saying what helps for me is being brave enough to face, acknowledge and accept my thoughts and feelings without judging, repressing, distracting, subliminating etc etc. Then I can do all the self-care things.

    Eleanorjane recently posted Did you ever know that you’re my hero?.

  465. I TOTALLY care. x

  466. This was so wonderful I’m going to share it, and not even because wine. Just because…

  467. FRANKINCENSE…I’ve never experienced depression to this degree. I’ve experienced severe bouts of jealousy-which I now refer to as “envy,” if that is even remotely in the ball park? I don’t mean to jest. Nothing works for everyone, but I’ve been doing research for natural cures using therapeutic grade essential oils…these bitches cure myriads of things. I’ve been amazed and have invested in some as well. The one I’ve read about for treating depression is FRANKINCENSE which can be rubbed on the soles of your feet. Shouldn’t interact with anything you’re on. If you recall, it WAS one of the oils that Baby Jesus was gifted many moons ago.

    Also, my hubs just introduced a series of TED videos to me? I use a “?” because apparently they’ve been around and I’ve never, ever heard of them. One woman http://www.ted.com/talks/jane_mcgonigal_the_game_that_can_give_you_10_extra_years_of_life.html

    was particularly inspiring. At first, I couldn’t stop looking at her outfit, but then it faded to the background. As greedy as it may sound, I would spend the extra 7 minutes of my life soaking in a bubble bath. You’ll understand if you watch. ;)

  468. I had PPD, which is not the same critter, but a member of the same branch of the Asshole Mental Disorder Family Tree. Changing my diet helped LOADS. I started eating meat after 20 years of vegetarianism, and stopped eating wheat, soy, and canola oils and their ilk. Cut sugar WAY back to no more than 25g a day. It’s an anti-inflammatory diet , so it also helped my arthritis (mine’s “just” osteo, though).
    I know, diet preachers are the worst, but you asked for what has helped us, and that helped me. That, and learning to contra dance.

    Deana recently posted Sparkle Vinyl Snail Messenger Pouch by SixGables.

  469. 471
    E M Foster

    Jenny, you rock. I offer you a virtual high five because if I recall correctly hugs kinda freak you out. *high five*

  470. Following you on Twitter, I could tell. You are right it is in the air, something has been off for weeks. Tuesday I lost my dad. And that brought feelings I have never known, a different kind of depression. For the first time ever I don’t want to leave the house, I want to sit in bed and cry. I don’t want to cook, clean or go to the office. How the hell am I going to go to work next week after the funeral??? Wait, how the hell am I going to make it through the funeral??? Pulling myself up and heading to the florist with my sister to pick out flowers and later take my daughter shopping for something to wear to the funeral.

    You will pull through, many of us will. I am reminded of those who have not in the past, and mourn them. We will pull through, because depression lies and because wine! Thank god for coffee, cupcakes, wine and Xanax.

  471. Depression is a liar. I know you know this, and I also know how hard it is to appreciate this when depression is whispering in your ear telling you horrible, evil stuff. You’re doing the right things and you will get through this episode and out the other end. You are surrounded by friends, family and fans who appreciate and love you, and you have the sense of humor to transmute this crap into gold. See you on the flip side.

  472. I have suffered depression in the past, but have felt on the verge of a breakdown for completely different reasons. I had to admit my beautiful 13 year old daughter to the hospital two nights ago so she wouldn’t kill herself after weeks/months of her depression and, more recently, cutting. I have been riddled with anxiety, fear and very little sleep. This on top of my marriage ending, teaching in an urban, highly challenging middle school and being displaced from that job. Sometimes I don’t know how I am getting through each day. And then I remember….I am strong, I have so many people who love me (and bring me small craft-brewed beer), I have my daughter and my son. That it will get better. Thank you for sharing, as always. She loves your blog. I am printing this out to read to her when I visit tonight.

  473. I love you, because you ‘get it’. And I want to hug you right now.

  474. I’ve been feeling over it lately. Over life. I’m in constant pain and then there’s the mental side. So many things need to be done and I feel like I don’t have enough me to do all of them. And then there are the things people want out of me. I give so much of myself that there’s none left over.

    I have moments where the clouds lift and I feel like I can do what I need to do. But those are moments, and tend to be fleeting.

    One medication for my migraines seemed to be working. Until it wasn’t. I take so much medication I feel like a pharmacy. And I’m not even thirty.

    BUT, when there are people, like you, who talk about it, I feel reassured. I’m not alone. It’s hard. Life is hard. Hell, life can be a bitch. It’s not supposed to be easy because nothing worth anything is easy. Surviving is the ultimate “fuck you” to the soul-suck. You remind us. We remind you. The circle continues. We might never see the sunshine all the time, but, since we have the clouds, maybe we can appreciate it more.

    And rain grows jungles. Be a jungle.

  475. I choose not to write about my depression when I’m there, because the people I love most don’t need to hear that mess. Which probably means they really DO need to, because it’s gotten bad and I need someone to pull my ass back from the edge.

    Right now I am going to force myself out of the house to buy spray paint so I can finish making a haunted tree for a witch diorama. Because it will make me happy, even if only for a while.

    *HUGS* Jenny, and for all the rest of you, too. All of you. I didn’t read all the comments, because holy shit there’s a lot of them. But Celeste, I’m so sorry about your dad. *hugstight*

    Wendy recently posted Charley Davidson.

  476. I have struggled with depression myself, have been hospitalized for it and have attempted suicide. I have lost one of my closest loved ones to suicide. Having seen the darkest, I know there is light. Sometimes it’s impossible to see that when you are in the deepest pit of it, but it’s there. You will get there eventually. I promise. Hold out for that miracle – it does exist.

  477. 479
    Anonymous

    Here’s mine. It got me through my last wave, and hearing it would just make me cry and cry and cry, but in good way, because I knew there was hope to get to the other side. This depression isn’t us. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XKl8hDr-xm4

  478. Jenny I usually just adore your blog in silence but this post hit close to home. So, ((Jenny)), I am so glad there is a light at the end of the tunnel for you today. And the reason this resonated with my today is that our 17 year old wrote a similar post recently and I wanted to share because she also wrote it to give people hope. http://mountainash96.blogspot.com/2013/03/invisible-illnesses.html

    Lizzie recently posted Writer's Block.

  479. From one Jenny to another: hang in there. I just went back to the doctor after six weeks of depression that had me thinking about suicide. My dog got sick and there were just these huge bottles of painkillers all lined up on the mantle.

    I’m glad that there was still some part of me that thought “man, maybe if you’re interested in medication, you should see a doctor, eh?”

    I’ve resisted medication until now because … well because excuses are easy to make, really. Medicines often make me sick (I also resist simple things like sudafed because i don’t like what they do to me), and I used that as a barrier.

    But if there’s a medicine that can keep me from killing myself–essentially a medicine that will literally keep me alive, then I’m gonna find it.

    Currently, tho, my “medication” for depression consists of a lot of video games, and drawing a journal comic (which I post at my site), and talking about it.

    So thank you for talking about it, too. It pays to know we aren’t alone and we aren’t crazy.

    Well, no crazier than a lot of other people, at any rate :)

  480. The other day I saw something they made me stop and think. To summarize it said When I think I cannot make it through today, I look back at my past and realize I have a 100% success rate.

  481. I sit here, and I think to myself “Why can’t I pull myself together? There are people so much more worse off than me” and I feel guilty and ashamed and pathetic, and I feel like everyone avoids me because they are so fed up of listening to me feeling sorry for myself. Someone (who HAD been a close friend) told me she was ‘tired of hearing me moan’. I’ve not spoken to anyone since about real life, just laundry and groceries and how long the lawn is getting. And I try to grab at my edges to stop them floating apart, drifting away, because – like clouds – if they don’t get held together, then I will disappear.

  482. This is a fabulous song. I think I’ve been struggling with depression for a rather long time now. I believe I’m on an upswing but it’s a very slow one. It tends to squash all my creativity and I truly appreciate your openness with your own struggles. I often turn to music when I’m feeling down. I haven’t found a fabulous song like this lately, but I have been slightly obsessed over two particular female vocalists. Anything by Leah McFall and a particular song by Yael Naim, “Lonely”. I don’t think that song is a great one for lifting up spirits but her vocal abilities are awe inspiring for me. And thanks to you, I have a new vocalist to go obsess over while I keep my fingers crossed that they will indeed find a magical pill that will just “fix” depression.

  483. What helps me is knowing I’m not alone. Other stuff (meds, family & friends who get it, exercise) all help tremendously. But knowing I’m not alone, that’s paramount.

    denise recently posted Breathing Room.

  484. You know what else lies? Wine. It says, I’m going to make you feel better, I’m going to numb the pain, I’m going to let you escape for a while, but what it really does is depress you. Wine is a depressant. Alcohol is a depressant. We think its not, we treat it as a pain reliever, we offer it to people who are feeling bad, we drink it because we want it to help us, but it’s just as big a deceiver as depression is. Drinking wine when you’re depressed is adding fuel to a fire.

    Wendy recently posted Ducks.

  485. 487
    lucky maria

    I have a partner who has suffered from severe depression. After multiple doctors and multiple drug cocktails she tried TMS [Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation]. It’s a relatively new treatment and expensive but we were desperate. When we first started we had to go to Vancouver but it’s now becoming available in the US.

    The results can be temporary and she repeated the treatment when her depression seemed to be returning. [Seemed to last about 12 to 18 months]. But it’s now been two years and she’s a new woman. [She still takes Wellbutrin and sees a therapist but she's volunteering regularly and leaving the house so BOO YAH!]

    I offer it just as a testimonial that it can work and those that need it and can afford it might want to consider it.

  486. 488
    kudzuhomecomingqueen

    Like you, I’ve been in a funk these past days. Plus I’m noticing joint damage from my RA. 1+1=YUCK. I keep telling myself that sometimes the smallest steps are the largest. Thank you for writing this. You’ve hit the nail on my head.
    Kudzuhomecomingqueen

  487. Jenny, (I love you, by the way), the way you described your depression lifting is exactly how I experience my depression lifting after I’ve recovered from a gluten reaction. If you haven’t explored it already, gluten can be highly, highly inflammatory for some people, causing diseases like depression and RA. I went down the whole gluten-free path to humor my doctor who thought gluten might be causing some skin issues I had. I didn’t have digestive symptoms like a lot of people do, and I REALLY didn’t think gluten could be related to my problems . . . but everything cleared up, including my depression. I hadn’t even told my doctor about my depression because I was ashamed to have it in my medical record. (How crazy is that?!) Just google “depression inflammation” or “depression cytokines”. It’s not easy to be gluten free, and I have to be SUPER careful – none can sneak in. But it’s SOOOO WORTH IT to not go through depressions anymore. Gluten doesn’t even tempt me anymore because of how I feel 3-4 days after eating it – really not worth it. Being gluten-free is like the best and most effective drug I’ve ever taken. Thank you for writing and sharing your beautiful self with us. You are important. *HUGS*

  488. You wrote this for me. Thanks for the solid.

  489. I completely and wholeheartedly understand how you feel. I feel like the weight of the world is on me (my daughter is finishing her junior year of high school and all this college talk, what classes to take next year, where to go to college, how much it’s going to cost) is too much for me. Added to this, I live in New England where it’s been raining for days and our basement keeps flooding. It’s pissing me off but I don’t feel like I can complain about it when I know people in Colorado are caught in a fire of horrific proportions and having to leave their homes. I too keep waiting for it to pass. I know it will, but it’s a shitty wait until then.

    Jennifer recently posted Bye Bye Birdy.

  490. You know one good thing what works for me? Reading your blog. :)

  491. Jenny, I love your blog! Depression lies is all too true. Pexeva is the drug that helped me..I hope your depressions gets less and less as the years go by..

  492. So sorry to hear the demon is back and dragging you down. May you someday find the right cocktail. For me, it’s Cymbalta, Trileptal, a great and wonderfully fantabulous support network of family and friends, outlets to vent, and accessmto words that are uplifting and down right hilarious. Thank YOU for being such an important part of my cocktail. ’0)

    That sounded SOOO much better in my head. :0

    Tracey recently posted Do They Have Overnight Camp for 3 Day Weekends?!?.

  493. WOW. Once again you blow me away. Jenny, thank you for sharing your pain & experience. It’s just what I need right now. I’m going through the hardest time of my 57-year life & feel hopeless, lonely, empty, scared, & about at the end of my rope. I’ve been unemployed for 5 years & can’t find work. I’m on food stamps & welfare for the first time in my life. In January my ex-fiance died & my oldest sister fell & broke her hip. She was diagnosed with a brain tumor on 3/30 & died on 6/4. My car was towed for parking tickets for expired registration & will cost a small fortune to get back, so I’ll probably lose it. And my evil landlady is trying to evict me from my apt. of 27 years for BS (not unpaid rent), so I may lose my home. I also have treasured jewelry in the pawn shop that I’m about to lose as well. My sister was 14 years older than me. We were so close & so much alike. She was my second mother, my best friend, my soulmate, my angel, my everything. She was the only person in this world who understood me. I don’t know how to live without her. My other sister & brother aren’t like us & can’t understand why I can’t just move on. I was kept from spending the end of my sister’s life with her by her family & I’m unable to afford to go to her memorial in Oregon tomorrow (I’m in CA). To say my heart is broken is the understatement of the Universe. A huge part of me died when she did & I don’t know how I’ll go on without her. Thank you, Jenny, for reminding me that there is hope. I don’t feel it yet, but I hope it will come. I hope you’re feeling much better very soon. Much love to you.

  494. Thank you for sharing this.
    As I struggle through my own waves of depression I sometimes wonder why it’s okay for someone to write about the fact that they have the flu, a cold, diabetes even, but those of us with depression are to be quiet lest we be judged. Thank you for not being quiet. For telling me and so many others that we are not alone, that we will not/should not be thought of as less than a person for struggling with the demon known as depression, and reminding us that it will get better.

  495. I have something of a mental problem that aggravates my emotions in response to things, this can include sudden bouts of suicidal thoughts or violent rage. I am looking for the miracle drugs too.

  496. What is a miasma, girl? Seriously.

    Depression is a filthy, lying leech. I’m there with you, unfortunately — and please know, if it gives you at all any comfort, as your posts do for me, that I’m pulling for you. I’m hoping every day that that nagging dark cloud effs off and you find yourself smiling and enjoying life, an you’re all “wha? YES!!!” I had that a few weeks ago and it was so surprising and awesome.

    Also, can I tell you? My mom bought me some fugly pajama pants for Christmas, and I thought “wow, these are depressingly ugly.” They just elicited such depression. A pair of pajama pants! Two shades of gray. Just bad. Well, guess who put these same pajamas on a model in their commercials and advertisements? Yup, Cymbalta: http://www.cymbalta.com/Pages/depression.aspx. It’s official. I’m burning them.

    Love you, Jen. xoxo

  497. Reading your honesty has saved me on several occasions. Not that I was going to hurt myself, but it kept me moving forward. It’s good to know I’m not alone. It’s easier to get up everyday and get out so that my child doesn’t suffer with me. It has been harder with my depression since I have had a child. The days that are hardest are when I don’t want to leave the house or couch, I feel guilty because I can hardly interact with my child. I have talked to her a bit about it, but she is 5, I think the talk was more for me than her. Anyway, thank you for your honesty. It helps. :)

    Tiffanie recently posted Tides of Change.

  498. Music is a wonderful tool for depression… unless you insist on listening to Dark Side of the Moon on loop… wouldn’t recommend that one. Hugs and glad you’re putting it out there that it does pass. It’s amazing how many people just need to read/hear that when it’s a bit dark in their world. :)

    Jess recently posted A Few of My Favorite Things.

  499. 501
    Anonymous

    I, too, suffer from severe RA and bouts of depression. This week has been a rough one for me, but I woke up this morning, stiff but not paralyzed, and realized that if I am willing to step out of my comfort (such as it is) zone, then maybe I can make some changes in my life. Thank you for helping me find my courage. Kudos to you and pain-free internet hugs.

  500. You are there just at the right time. I am bobbing below the surface and needed to be reminded about that air. I’m going to make it…

  501. 503
    Cathleenn

    We’re all here, Jenny. Keep talking – we’ll listen, and we’ll love every second.

    Because wine.

  502. We care <3 And thank you for writing this post!

  503. Yes and YES.

    I’m 4 months pregnant and the hormones and medicine adjustments have thrown my depression through a major loop. I’ve felt numb for days this week. But it does lift and we remain ourselves.

  504. Jenny – Just finished writing about my mini-nervous-breakdown last year. I thought people would judge me and that I could possibly get fired but instead the opposite happened (well, not the opposite of firing, unless you count still working as the opposite). Any-hoo, just like you see here, people climbed out of the woodwork to empathisize, sympathize and offer support…and wine…just not too much wine…that got to be a problem, too. But that’s another story.
    Love your writing. Stay strong sister.

    Heather recently posted Bearing (or baring) it all in the Huffington Post.

  505. A week and a half ago, a friend of mine’s husband shot himself, leaving her with four sons and a dire financial situation. Depression is a lying piece of shit. Thank you SO MUCH for creating a place where we can all talk openly about it.

  506. You talking about this helps so much.
    I feel like I am going to come out the other side, and telling myself how much depression and anxiety lie is one of the things that gets me there.

    Thanks, Jenny.
    Be well, and keep going.
    Because love.

  507. ((((big hugs))))) I’m having a “because vodka” weekend myself.
    Always remember you have the POWER to make people LAUGH. Not just giggle, but you know, laugh so hard you pee a little. Well, sometimes a lot. Oh hush, I’ve given birth and can’t help it.
    In this crazy world, that is a superpower. So I guess that makes you a sort of superhero, brightening days across the blogosphere. So you are way, way bigger than depression. Kick its nasty ass to the curb! You are AWESOME!

  508. 510
    Becky-Face

    While I’m super sorry to hear that so many people are in the dark place, I’m a little bit grateful to know that it isn’t just me and this bizarre Minnesota weather. I keep telling myself that depression lies, and that my anxiety attacks will pass, but It’s just been dragging on for weeks. The worst part is that in the sane part of my brain, I’m fully aware that there is absolutely no reason to be feeling like this. Reading these posts always help reinforce that positive self-talk. Thank you for that.

    Also, how much do you love the biologic treatment? I’m on my third and it’s basically a life-changer for me.

    Love, appreciation, and lots of anti-inflammatory vibes

  509. “That sounds like a stupid, small thing, but it’s not. It’s big. It’s huge.”

    Oh, I so totally get this. Love you, Jenny, giant virtual hugs.

    Brian recently posted cheaper than therapy.

  510. 512
    Anne Harvey

    Have you ever tried biofeedback/neurofeedback for your depression? It also is fairly expensive and most insurance does not cover it, but I have been happy with the results. They put electrodes on your head and make a map of your brain. The maps shows what’s up with you: depression, chronic pain, sleep issues, whether the right brain waves are active at the right time, etc. I’ve been doing it for a couple of months and my mood was lifted very quickly. I did not want to take any meds for depression as I already have to take daily injections for MS and am taking tamoxifen for breast cancer found and removed 3 years ago. Plus I am a control freak and I don’t like the idea of needing drugs to change how I feel. Give it a try or talk to your therapist about it. It is supposed to be a more long-term fix than drugs.

  511. I am here with you. Stay strong. You are beautiful and you will come through. Each of us is strong and one day will see the sun again.

  512. I know looking for causes is a losing game (chasing the next big fix can become depressing all by itself), but it got hot crazy fast here in Texas and I’ve been dragging ass for the last two weeks myself. I know seasonal changes are one of my triggers (why does everyone think spring is so damn wonderful???) Maybe it’s also one of yours? Just a thought.

  513. We love you, Jenny. Tell your depression to go do unmentionable things to itself and rejoice in all the little normal hours you can scrape up.

  514. I lost my job on Wednesday. Well, officially 30 days form Wednesday. I feel a little sad and numb and helpless but I kinda felt that way before anyway. Is it a lie to believe that nothing matters? Lauren Hill says, “Everything is Everything”. Everything is a lot to think about. I can handle nothing.
    Thanks for reminding me that depression lies, it is a moment to moment battle for me. Knowing that someone else can put into words what I can’t (or don’t because it doesn’t matter) lifts me up a bit. It reminds me that I exist.

  515. 517
    Jennifer Wilkerson

    You’re absolutely right, we just have to remember that depression lies. I’m glad you’re remembering that, because we all love to hear from you, you make OUR days better even when your days suck. :)

  516. That song and Big Freedia’s “Excuse” got me through 53 days in the NICU this year.

  517. 519
    Crochetmaniac

    Wellbutrin plus Zoloft worked for me for seven years, then quit. Now I am on Abilify. It’s a miracle! I actually feel normal ninety percent of the time. But my best friend took it for three months and had to stop. What works depends on your personal chemistry. Hang in there!

  518. You rock.

    Robin recently posted Shit or Get Off the Stupid Pot!.

  519. I know I’m just adding my own little thing down at the bottom of a sea of things, but thank you for being you and thank you for talking about your depression. It makes those of us struggling feel less alone. I am glad we can help you just as you help us. Love and hugs to you!

  520. I’ve had periodic bouts of depression since I was 11. No cause, no trigger, just every so often the Traitor Brain tries to kill me. I cover so well that people living with me can not always tell, so partners/boyfriends sometimes miss it entirely. Some things have really helped me cope. One, defining my depression as ‘Traitor Brain’. It is, in short, the part of my head that hates me and wants me dead. Traitor Brain is the enemy. It helps to be able to turn to it and say, “You know, Traitor Brain, I see you there, poking that old scar and whispering that I should stay in bed all day and eat this gallon of ice cream instead of my healthy dinner, and you can fuck right off. You have never done me a damn bit of good.” Anthropomorphizing it makes it easier to fight back against it, because enemies can be *beaten* and they have *weaknesses* and I am slowly learning all of Traitor Brain’s weaknesses (I am an extreme extrovert. Traitor Brain is an introvert and cannot handle a large social gathering).

    The other thing that’s helped immensely is telling close friends my warning signs. “If you don’t see me online for a few days, or in person for a week, come forcibly drag me out of my cave.” “If I start canceling plans with you, something may be wrong.” “I am going to be having trouble over the next few weeks; please keep an eye on me.” I have a group of about 10 trusted friends who know how to identify my depression and can be depended upon to come check on me. I call them the Web, because as long as one strand still holds I can rebuild everything from there. I tell them, when Traitor Brain is not in ascendance, how to identify it and help me fight it. It’s functioned three times now, that one or another member of the Web has caught on and come to help break me out of the cycle by bringing me food, sitting quietly with me, dragging my ass out onto the hiking trails, or otherwise shoving me into doing the things that will slowly fight the depression.

    My depression isn’t suitable for medication (sometimes I’ll go years without an episode, sometimes I’ll spend four months fighting it every day, and most therapists won’t put you on ‘as needed’ for antidepressants, with good reason), so I’ve just had to learn social engineering to fight it.

    Thank you so much for talking about this. I know how hard it is, and how important it is. *hugs*

    Rowan Badger recently posted In Which I Admit Lust.

  521. 523
    Corabella

    Thank you, Jenny. Today you not only reminded me that depression lies but you made it okay to call it depression. Thank you for sharing and making it okay to call it what it is. Your generosity of spirit is amazing.
    Btw, I think Prosecco goes with depression. If nothing else, you can sing yourself a rendition of Tiny Bubbles.
    xxox

  522. I now have this page bookmarked so I can come back and re-read this during the times when I need to remind myself of this. I am a few weeks out of a terrible depression myself…it had me for months and it still struggles to take me back occasionally. I have been fighting battles with depression all my life, it’s a constant fear for me and my family. Thank you, Jenny, for being a voice for us when we can’t be one for ourselves.

  523. 525
    Lisa Victoria

    You’re a keeper ~ thanks for sharing. If it’s before 11am or you’re out of wine, you can use ‘because chocolate’. You’re welcome.

  524. 3 days. 3 days in 2 years. 3 days in 2 years of being the person I actually enjoy being. Not enough. So apparently what a Psychiatrist does is ask you if you still feel bad then picks the next drug from a randomly generated chart and says try this. The appointment literally takes less than 15 minutes. Did you know that having a 38 degree curve in your spine one direction and a 17 degree curve in the other does not get you to the 50 degree curve necessary for a doctor to want to perform surgery? Apparently you can’t add them together which I think is total bull shit. What those 2 curves do earn you is my favorite comment that I’ve heard from every back doctor I’ve seen. “I have seen worse” really?? I will let that comfort me as I lie in bed in agony all the time. You know that sucker you get when you are good at the doctor when you are a kid? Well, I deserve one for not finding a sharp medical object in your office and stabbing you several times and then stating for the record, “I’ve seen worse!!” Is there some third world country where I can get my spine bent 12 more degrees so I can get some help? Please ask Copernicus I bet he would know. I pretended to buy your book for my wife’s birthday and then read it. Pulling this off was awesome on so many levels. You’re welcome.

  525. Your blog got me through my last battle and it keeps me afloat at the moment. Just to know I’m not alone and depression is a whore liar. There is nothing to be said but Thank you and you are worth it.

    Holly recently posted Unreal Candy thank you Bzzagent!!.

  526. Thank you for posting this. It’s a relief to have someone finally put into words what I cannot.

  527. I was crying as I read this post, and as I write my comment. You have perfectly summed up how I have been feeling for over a year. I have moments of clarity where I feel like a normal human being, but those moments are few and far between, and sometimes the darkness is so overwhelming that I consider ending it just to stop the pain. The worst was a couple weeks ago when I was visiting family. I had a complete breakdown in a dressing room. I shut down for the rest of the weekend, but I was trapped. I can usually escape to my house, but there was no way out. I hid out upstairs and away from everyone for the rest of the weekend. I feel terrible that my family, especially my nieces, had to see me like that. I don’t know if things will ever be the same between my brother and me again. Knowing that you can pull through it gives me hope that I can too. Thank you for writing this.

  528. When you write about your depression it makes me feel guilty for blaming my exhusband’s bipolar condition on him. I guess the real difference is: you don’t fall for depression’s lies and deception. You are looking for a way to get better. Please keep doing that. And please keep talking about this. Those of us who are unaffected need to know that mental illness isn’t a choice.

    Balanced Idjit recently posted Important Rules for humans living in Texas..

  529. So far there are over 500 people giving you hugs with their comments to this post, me included. Feel the love! It’s a thick, heavy cloud you’re looking through now I know. Boy do I know! But hang on until it parts and you see the sun again. And Feel The Love!

    (And thanks for sharing all this so others know they are also not alone.)

  530. I was prescribed my first anti-depressant 20 years ago – Prozac. I can still remember when I realized it was working – I felt sad about something. It was such a novel feeling for me, because sad is different from depressed. I felt sad about a particular situation, but still had a generally positive outlook. I was amazed.

    As the years went on, different drugs were prescribed with varying results. My doctor prescribed Welbutrin. I went back in two weeks later for the follow up and the doctor asked how I was feeling. I said “about the same.” He did a physical, and it turned out that I had pneumonia. I looked at him and said “This is how normal people feel when they are sick!?!” Welbutrin was like turning on a light-switch for depression, but did nothing for anxiety. As you well know, panic attacks are not fun.

    About 2 years ago, he prescribed Viibryd. It is expensive. It is not covered by my insurance. It is worth every penny. There are some annoying side effects – occasional night-terrors, a weird “electric zap” feeling when I’m falling asleep. But the trade off is a feeling of normalcy. Getting out of bed in the morning is only a chore because I stay up too late.

    I hope you find your magic pill. I hope it is that easy for you – just finding that magic pill. In the meantime, your mantra helps both me and my 10 year old son – depression lies.

  531. Funny you should post I just did a presentation on Acoustical Energy and it’s healing effects. I too suffer from RA, CFS, Fibro and IC, yes that is a lot of labels and can cause one to fall into that chasm of self despair but music and humor helps pull one out of that abyss. Thank you for your post and bringing this problem out in the open. Oh and for me nothing helps get me out of the bottomless pit with 1940s swing music.

  532. The magic pill for me was Cymbalta. Life Changer. Also, though I love wine, and “because wine” is awesome, it does not help depression. Can really make it a lot worse. Just sayin. So glad you are talking about depression, it is so important!! Too many people feel alone in it and are surrounded by people who do Not understand. Hang in there! Look how many people care!

  533. Thank you. Also, wine. And chocolate. But especially fresh air and sunshine.

    Katja recently posted Dear Today, Stop messing around. I’ll win..

  534. I know depressions lies but I feel like I have really screwed up and don’t see a way out. Will try to take some time this weekend for myself and just rest…hopefully that will help. Just feel like I am living in hell and don’t see an end…

  535. Long time reader, first time commenter! I don’t know if you read all your comments (you have a lot of them!), but if you do, thank you! I actually cried (!) when I read this…like not just got teary, but twice (!!) a tear very dramatically ran down my cheek. I wish I had filmed it actually. Anyway, thank you and I’m sorry you are feeling this way. Drugs help me…sometimes I feel weak b/c I can’t fix it on my own, but at least I can fix it somehow.

    You are amazing and inspiring and I want to be like you when I grow up (although I think you’re only a few years older than I am…). xoxo

  536. Thank you so much for writing this post. I suffer from this as well. Not to the extreme that most people do but for me its enough to make me want to bunker down in my bed and cry for a week. It’s nice to know there are others out there who suffer as well, and together we can all fight it, and give each other a shoulder to cry on, or share a bottle (or two) of wine. Just because.

    Paula Vaughan recently posted High Five For Fridays.

  537. 539
    Vernita Runfeldt

    Depression does lie. You are loved. You matter.

  538. Music does it for me too. Specifically, this song, by Pearl Jam:

    Rise. Life is in motion. I’m stuck in line.
    Rise. You can’t be neutral on a moving train.
    One day the symptoms fade. Think I’ll throw these pills away.
    And if hope could grow from dirt like me. It can be done.

    There’s always a new day around the bend… hang in there!

    Drew recently posted Old Man Potter, the Ahab of Bus Drivers.

  539. I’ve also found it extremely important to know which music to stay away from when suffering from the black depression. For me it was Pink Floyd – “Dark Side of the Moon”. Listening to that while in the throes would actually have me contemplating driving my car off a bridge. Very frightening.

    The think that kept me going during those times was knowing how devastated my parents would be, then later how devastated my daughter would be. I always felt my husband would be ok – how crazy is that? You’re right. Depression is a lying bastard.

    goosefairy recently posted My Precious Mother.

  540. I submit Pink’s “Perfect” as an anthem for those who feel beaten down. Remember you are perfect!

  541. I super needed this today. I picked my son (who is a whopping 20 months old) up from daycare yesterday to find that they had helped make him a Father’s Day card… I’m a single mom and his “father” is a meth, heroin and cocaine addict who hasn’t seen his son since October 2012 when we left while he was in jail. It took four months of therapy for me to feel normal after my relationship with the addict and seeing that card with the stupid poem about following in daddy’s footsteps tore me up. I cried the whole way home and then put my son in his crib and cried on my bed. I feel better today because I have to be better for him and for my daughter but that doesn’t make it any less hard. Thank you for existing because I seem to feel better just knowing you exist.

    Annette DiGiacomo recently posted Coworkers and online dating….

  542. You are not alone. I struggle with bi-polar. Thank you for giving us all a voice. Sending you love and light.

  543. Thank you. Thank you for this.

    I just had a jolt of “what the hell am I getting myself into?” a few minutes ago, but reading this post has made me think, “I’m over-reacting!” Although there’s still an uncomfortable lump in my throat, I’m feeling more normal now. (I know, normal is a cycle on the washing machine…)

    I’m supposed to be getting referred to a therapist for dealing with anxiety. That should be interesting.

  544. Thank you for sharing your story, I’ve been lucky to be without symptoms for almost a year now but I can remember all those feelings and you nail it. You help so mnay of us when you share and know we hold a special place for you in our hearts, and know we know how it feels.

  545. OMG! Love that song. And if you need a good laugh, watch Pitch Perfect. It’s hilarious and as an added bonus, it has Titanium in it!!! :) Stay strong! I’m right there with ya!

    Cara Lyn Erickson recently posted Fancy Free Friday: VVOPP-ing.

  546. Yep. Because Wine. I really needed this post. It’s been a rough week or so here too.

    BatPoopCrazy recently posted I’m “that kid’s” Mom.

  547. 550
    Phyllis Rose

    You are amazing, thank you for your raw honesty. You are well admired. Blessings and cheer to you. <3

  548. 551
    jessica b

    If you’ve found something that works for you, feel free to share it. — Wellbutrin works for me!

  549. Thank you so much for being what seems to be the only one out there that understands and reminds me, keep going, keep breathing. Reading this gave me a moment to catch my breath and feel normal again.

  550. When I was younger, I thought that was just how people were — kind of pissy, random crying jags, exhaustion, constant dull aches — because that’s how all the women in my family are. Then I started going to my own doctors (not the ones my family recommended) and found out that even though I’ve got kind of a long row to hoe, there are pills to help with some of it. A teeny antidepressant and a bit of thyroid med and I’m one of the goofiest people I know (usually). Knitting and nerdiness are also a great help.

    It can get better.

  551. Just keep swimming, just keep swimming – you will surface.

  552. The cure is each other, stay connected! I’ve been there too, and it does get better. Thanks for helping us all come together. Love you!

  553. 556
    Jessie Jo

    Exactly.

  554. I have been in The Depths all week. Rallying just before the kids are supposed to come home from school. Bearly. It’s so hard. So many tears, no reasons. So many things I should/could be doing. I wish this would lift . I would not say you are in good company, but you are in company.

  555. Word. XOXO

  556. Here for ya, girl! Thank goodness you still have friends who are patient enough to wait for your depression to roll on through. That’s important. Hopefully it won’t take much longer, but I’ll be standing right behind you in line for that miracle drug that fixes the depression funks…nothing works, yet!

    What gets me through the blues? Reading a little damnyouautocorrect.com. Sure it’s potty-humor, but I always get the giggles, especially while sitting here in my cubicle trying my hardest not to break down sobbing. OR, I just read back through some of your posts! The conversations you have with Victor always leave me chuckling.

  557. I’m sorry you’re stuck in this. I love that you know that all you need to do is wait; your brain can’t manage to stay in any single state forever. I don’t know if you’re feeling up to it, but when I’m really depressed my husband makes me take long walks with him. I do it grudgingly and pout a lot, but eventually the endorphins kick in and it kind of helps nudge the chemistry. And I know exactly what a big deal it is to invite someone over, so well done!!

    I’m not so much having a nervous breakdown as an extended anxiety attack (maybe that’s just a different flavor?), so your mileage may vary, but I had a really, really good day when I spent it telling everyone in my life what I appreciate about them. Even people I kind of find annoying have something I can appreciate. As weird as it sounds, it was better than wine. Like crazy better. My most recent post is all about it, if you care to have a look. It has penis lunchboxes in it. Just sayin’.

    Maya recently posted Loving You Is Easy Cuz It’s Like Friggin’ Heroin.

  558. 561
    Deven Hollrigel

    You are loved. Remember that. xo

  559. 562
    christine

    I started out last year (2012) by having my rectum and part of my liver removed, after 3 years of chemo and radiation, and unrelated hip replacement surgeries. Then I did 6 months of chemo, and during that time the friend who helped me find the dr.s that saved my life died. (cancer) Then my son and his best friend were arrensted for a crime that they did not commit, asn we can’t prove that. Then the musican whose music got me through everything died (cancer) and I can’t listen to his stuff anymore without sobbing. Then my son’s best friend killed himself; he was like a son to me. Then another friend from work died (cancer). All this time I have been working with the love of my life who did not have the courage to be with me and is living with a woman who can only be described as last year’s pumpkin, in both looks and brains. I found myself wishing that I had not agreed to treatment-I would not be here to experience all this. Then I found your book. It put things in perspective. It gives me hope-that someone who feels like I do can be so brilliant; perfect. PLEASE know that you help me, and that if it would make a difference to you I would drive to Texas and clean your toilets or something.

  560. (1) I force myself to exercise, because if I am going to be sad lying on my bed or sad exercising then I may as well exercise – and I usually do feel better after, whether from the enorphins, just getting out of the house, being outside, who knows.
    (2) I stopped drinking ( I know, right????). Not 100% but close to. But the problem for me is it is never “just” one glass, and I never felt good enough afte to justify the feeling at the time.
    (3) I decided that it wasn’t just lunatics who got up by 6a.m., and realized that getting up early actually helped me mentally. Am not saying is for everyone – I guess the bigger point to my three points is that what I did was realize that what I was doing wasn’t helping – so why not try something different?

    I also stopped comparing my life to other people’s lives. Where I am in my life ( career wise) can be a trigger, bu you know what? Fuck that. I have made logical decisions, I have made decisions kinder to my kids than to me (which brings me joy not regret), and at the end of the day, I would rather spend time with my kids than my coworkers.

    And finally? I watch Ricky Gervais in almost anything. It is hard to be truly depressed when laughing your ass of to Ricky explaining to a room full of Catholics that he is actually an atheist ( BBC Extras). (I mean it is obviously not a cure for all things always, but at least helps for that moment and if I’m lucky, a few after).

    Oh one more thing. I also remind myself that people who ar full of joy effortlessly, all the time, also seem a bit psycho. And maybe I should not get depressed about sadness but instead be grateful to be not psychotic.

  561. This morning I was inhaling a magnolia tree in full bloom and John Lennon sang to me:
    ‘I am she as you are she as you are me and we are all together. ‘
    Love, strength and song to you, Jenny. From all of us!

    Burns the Fire recently posted 5 Songs to Get Yer Freak On.

  562. Thanks so much for posting this. Hang in there! xoxo

  563. The main thought I have when I’m in the dark place? (I’ll add I’m not clinically depressed, but having Relapse Remitting MS can make life seem worthless from time to time…)

    I haven’t done enough. There are things I still want to do. Leaving the world completely would end ALL of the dreams I still have. So I allow myself to be dark for a bit, I allow myself to be unhappy and hate things, ‘rail at the heavens’ and so on, and then I start Dreaming Big again. Because no matter what happens, I can still dream of better things.

    … That and I have not f*cked the world up enough to leave it yet. You’re all welcome. ;-)

    Laur recently posted Reichenbach Theories.

  564. You are one brave bitch J. Love, love,love you. Have you heard of EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) or tapping? It’s quite handy, you can tap away the suffocating black-tar whilst sitting in the comfort of your own home…with a mainline into your favourite bottle of Shiraz. EFT is my go-to shit-buster. The Tapping Solution is a pretty powerful documentary or, much easier, there are a lot of videos on youtube. (Brad Yates is my man) Free, quick and…well, not painless but it’ll move that crap in the right direction. Always darkest before the dawn….sonofabitch I wish that wasn’t true. xoxo lots of love from a fellow creative lunatic.

  565. Puppies. I volunteer at the local shelter, and I stopped by once when I was feeling really down and… a chubby little warm puppy curled up in my arms certainly helped. Sounds trite, but sometimes happiness IS a warm puppy.

  566. Thanks for sharing. I am smiling for the first time in days.

  567. 571
    Anonymous

    “And a few minutes ago I called a friend to come over to visit. That sounds like a stupid, small thing, but it’s not. It’s big. It’s huge.”

    This. A thousand times this.

  568. I really needed to read this today, Jenny. After YEARS of bad anxiety and depression, I finally got on Celexa and its been WONDERFUL! But I still have days where it haunts me and I get so scared I’ll never feel happy or normal again. It’s terrifying, but you’re 100% right. Every time I’ve gone through this, I come out the other side and I feel great. My good days far outweigh my bad and I just need to remember that. I hope we BOTH feel better soon! <3

    Stephanie recently posted Holy wow, a DD!!.

  569. *Hugs* for Jenny and for everyone.

    Maggi recently posted Book Reading (or Listening) Challenge 40th and 41st Book.

  570. Jenny thank you so much for telling us what you know depression lies and it does get better. Your struggles have helped with my struggles too. I know that the knowledge that some of us are out there also fighting our own fights and knowing that we’re not alone in this struggle helps some. Know that you’re loved and appreciated by all of us for being who you are, which is wine filled awesome!!

  571. 575
    Liz Tea Bee

    Thank you. I needed this today.

  572. I think depression lies too.

    Holly Folly recently posted Building Bridges Day Two, The Rocks..

  573. Jenny, I’m sorry you’re having a rough time. I haven’t been fairing too well either. But one thing that has helped me a lot this week is the discovery of the show “Raising Hope.” I ended up buying season 1 to catch up. It’s made me laugh out loud and has helped me get out of some pretty serious funk. Granted, life circumstances sometimes bring me back down, but I just go back for another episode, and it does help. Mainly anything that helps me laugh makes me feel better, even if only for a little while.

    Feel better soon.

  574. 578
    Sassy Apple

    Thank you. I was so proud of myself that I had moved from my bed to my chair this morning when I read this. A shower may be in my future. One victory at a time!

  575. Ohhhhh girl. Pinot Grigio.

    That said, I assume that Victor gets you. I mean, obviously he understands that your brain is a bit broken right? My husband can’t see the difference between normal crying and the depression crying… In fact, the other day he told me to stop crying and I obviously could not. The broken brain had taken over. He doesn’t get that. And of course then I feel a certain amount of guilt when the house goes dirty. Bad wife. Lazy. Uncaring. But really, it’s broken brain. I’m hoping Victor picks up the slack when your half of the team goes on strike. We usually function as a team but when I drop the ball on my end…. oh the guilt.

    I have stopped taking my meds. I don’t want to be broken and I keep thinking that if I can make myself function normally without them, that I’ll be… normal. It’s not going well. I need to just accept that. They like me better when I’m drugged. :(

  576. This will probably sound like the biggest crock in the world, but I’ve been improving my diet and it’s definitely helping. Eating more fruits and veggies and being vigilant about added sugars is helping me to sleep better and feel better. I was given a book called Eat Your Way to Happiness, written by a dietician who has studied the effects of food on depression/mood for decades. I actually got the book last year, but at first I just read the chapter on vitamin supplements and ignored the rest, because that was easy. But things got bad enough a few weeks ago that I decided to finally give the hard way a try. I’m still not following all the recommendations and guidelines 100%, but I’m making progress and I’m hopeful that it will continue to get easier and I’ll keep feeling better. Maybe it will work for you too. Good luck & best wishes…

  577. I love Mercy River’s album Beautiful Dawn, it seems to have a song for every feeling i have.

  578. My family has known about my fight with depression, or so I thought. Apparently my 91 year old mom didn’t think it safe to share on the family grapevine. Which is kind of funny considering that we all got the details of my brother’s hemorrhoid surgery a few years back….but sad because it turns out more than one other member of my family has been fighting the same battle in solitude.

    I’ve been making myself be more open about my bouts of depression, and recently hit a milestone. I was listening to a casual acquaintance complain about a woman in her condo complex, and used myself as an example of how depression can make things spiral. I pointed at the untamed woodpile left from last year’s hurricane and explained my mood swings. I’m lucky by comparison, I said, because I have someone to share the housework. When the bottom drops out of my mood, the family will be fed and dishes done. I suggested some things to pass along to the woman via someone who gets along with her… and from the thoughtful expression on that person’s face, I think one more solitary warrior will soon know she isn’t alone in her war.

    I probably wouldn’t have been brave enough to do that without this forum, thanks to all of you …Jenny and commenters alike,

  579. 583
    Michelle E

    I am Bi-polar. About 10 years ago, in my forties, a Dr. put me on Lamotrigine (an anti-seizure). Before then the medications I was prescribed only seemed to work a year or two and while the mania was controlled I still suffered from depression. Before the Lamotrigine, I would start most days fantasizing about the different ways I could end my life. It was an awful way to live. Since starting Lamotrigine I can count on 1 hand the episodes of depression and they were mild episodes at that. So don’t give up. There is a medication that will work for you. Work with your Dr. and don’t be afraid to say when something doesn’t work. While Doctors may have the knowledge about the drugs, you are the only one who can give feedback about whether the drug is working. If your Dr. isn’t willing to listen then you need to find a new Dr. Hang in there. Life can get so much better!

  580. You hit the nail on the head with this one. Depressions lies .You’ll be OK.

  581. Paxil was and is my lifesaver. But when I experienced a frightening relapse, i fought through taking one day at a time, getting back to the right med, and leaning heavily on my husband while waiting for things to get better. having someone to help hold you up is so important, even if it’s anonymous people on a comments page on the internet repeating “I get it, it gets better.” Beyond that, the thing that kept me together long enough to get to help during my bad relapse was the “Knock Knock” image of Beyonce that I captioned with “Quitting might be easier, but it wouldn’t be better.” I made it my desktop pattern at work, and literally kept repeating and repeating that mantra until I could get to my emergency appt with the doc. I still shudder remembering how dark I felt that day, and how afraid of myself I was.

  582. Thanks! Eighteen years diagnosed depression/anxiety disorder. Meds and therapy and amazingly supportive wife. Oh, yeah…mega light box doses Oct – April. In wonderment during the periods of simply feeling well. Disgusted at recent discovery that wine now screws with my meds, though still exploring the effects of assorted micro-brews (dear God, please, not the beer, too!) Yes, far far far too much beauty natural and created still to enjoy…my dead-brain mantra when I fall down the hole.

  583. I was terribly depressed for a few years after a particularly traumatic layoff. (mine)

    I’m just now starting to come back to “normal” and I’ve discovered something amazing. It doesn’t happen all at once for me. I haven’t just woken up one day and said “WOW! Not depressed!” It comes back in dribs and drabs as my psyche finds bits of itself hidden around.

    One day I laughed more. One day I woke up and didn’t want to go back to sleep. One day I initiated sex with my husband for the first time in nearly 2 years. Some days I don’t have all that in me anymore, but the fact that it all came back once gives me hope that it’ll all come back again, hopefully to stay.

    Enjoy your two hours of yourself. You’ll see her again. :)

  584. Sometimes I have your voice in my head reminding me that ‘depression lies’ to help get me through really bad spells.

    Punky Coletta recently posted 6 pack abs.

  585. Celexa, Celexa, Celexa. It has seriously saved my life. I have spent most of my life in a perpetual state of anxiety, just waiting for the next panic attack. I couldn’t go to restaurants, fly, go on trips, basically leave my house without panic attacks that would last for days and leave me exhausted. My aunt, who was agoraphobic, recommended Celexa to me, I told my Dr. and we decided to give it a try. I was 37 when I took my first pill but I really believe that was the day the person I was meant to be was born. I live a normal life now and when I do get a tinge of anxiety, it is only a 15 second hot flash that goes away. I cry a lot more now, but it is out of happiness because I can eat a full meal at a restaurant without panic induced nausea, I didn’t miss my brother’s wedding because I was able to fly to Las Vegas without panic and I can do what everyone else takes for granted. It is amazing.

  586. I’m starting to come out of my own depressive wave, a little at a time. And as someone who is still battling the RA and how much it steals from me, I have to say it makes me smile to know you’ve got it at bay, and that gives me hope. Thank you for writing. (Also: I assigned your book to my CNF students in Fall 2012, and they all laughed til they cried, or cried til they laughed :) )

    Colleen Harris-Keith recently posted Ask an Expert! Or, How Statistics, Facebook and Polychoric Correlation Matrices Made Me My Own Library User.

  587. Really amazing to read this post on a week where I’ve felt very similar for most of it… like things will never change and I’m stuck in this pit. You are totally inspirational and thank you for being brave and honest and letting people know they aren’t alone.
    You will come out the other side and feel beautiful things again.

  588. Hi Jenny
    I read your blog daily and it always makes me smile, giggle or plain laugh out loud. But reading it today , I could sense the pain and sadness in it. I just read an article this morning in the latest Readers Digest (though you can google this and gather more detailed information on the subject) about how there is a huge possibility of a link between inflammation and depression. I don’t know anything about your diagnosis in regards to depression, but I thought it would be worth passing on this information to you in case there may be a different approach to helping you manage or defeat (?) this debilitating illness. Thank you very much for all the smiles and laughs you give me daily with your unique humor! You. Are. AWESOME! :)
    Jen

  589. ((hugs)) to you. Thank you for getting up and writing this. <3

  590. Dance naked in front of your cats! Never fails to make a dark moment break apart and let a sun beam in.

  591. I shared your link and this message on my Facebook wall. I outed myself. “I fully understand this post. It is so nice to have someone be so open about their struggles. We all go through life trying to look a certain way and act a certain way. Sometimes people are masking something serious just below that surface of efficiency. I am currently in a really “good” place but I have been where she is. My O.C.D. is everyday. It is like breathing. It just IS. No escape. The anxiety is less constant. It gets triggered. When it does, it is like one of those big elementary school parachutes but you can’t find the edge to escape. The depression is like a tar pit of negativity…with a tide. You don’t fall over the edge. It creeps up on you until you are mired in its darkness. I am not “crazy”. I am not “anal”. I am not just super organized or suffering from mood swings. It would be easier to have a physical disease. One that people can see and understand. They could say, “Oh…she can’t do that because she has asdfghjklitis.” I am sharing all of this because there is at least one person on my FB friends list that struggles with something. There is no shame. There is no weakness. There is no fault. It just IS. Love to all. ?”

  592. Hi. After years (and *years*) of trial and error, I’ve landed on a designer cocktail of Seroquel (XR) and Cymbalta. The Seroquel because I don’t sleep without it. Like at all. (Like downing a handful of over-the-counter sleeping pills with a bottle of wine and still not sleeping.) The great thing about Seroquel is that it is proven to cause diabetes in some. (!!) I believe this occurs because of the sugar cravings. Hello, weight gain! OH! And hot flashes. (At least it isn’t menopause.)
    And the Cymbalta (yes, the one with the TV commercials) is some kind of wonder drug. Really. You should read the brochure/packet thing that comes with it. It “cures” everything from incontinence to seizures. But I think it is really the Cymbalta that keeps me from the dead-inside, wishing I was un-alive as I cry and do nothing but lay in bed watching TV.
    While it may seem that these are dangerous and ill-advised drugs and I should not be sharing this information (or wishing it on anyone), I thought it might help if you haven’t tried the Cymbalta yet.
    Truly, this cocktail has me feeling the most *me* (if you’ve ever been on anti-depressants, you know what I’m referring to) without the horrible lows (I mean the low-lows, ya know?).
    I am able to function and not hate me (mostly). I still have lows (and highs), but not so bad and not so long in duration. I wish I had found this combo earlier.
    Good luck on finding the combo that works best for you.
    I’d also like to point out that you are a great writer (mother and wife) with tons of talent. And it takes all of you (including your lows) to make you the extraordinary person you are. But truly, none of us should suffer the way I know that I have in the throes of depression, so continue to reach out, to search, and you will eventually find your happy place.
    AND! I am so glad about your RA. I didn’t know that you’d found some relief. Thanks for sharing!
    -j

    @gracebluej recently posted No. 2 (Perhaps).

  593. Thank you. I needed that reminder today.

  594. I’m hoping a lovely reader out there can help me… I live in Phoenix and I need to find free or seriously reduced therapy and medication. When I lost my insurance my psych dropped me and left me high and dry with my meds. (jerk) I have borderline personality disorder with anxiety, depression, and suicidal thought. Anyone know of any resources??

  595. I really needed this today. Thank you.

  596. 600
    Kathleen Duffy-Conway

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_people_with_major_depressive_disorder

    Look, you are among the gods! :D I got your signed book for my birthday and I love it!

    hugs

  597. When I was in the hospital, that depressed, my doctor looked at me and said “If you kill yourself, it will just give everyone else out there that loves you and is related to you and looks up to you, the option of doing the same.”

    He told me how often a brother or sister will commit suicide after the suicide of a sibling, especially an older sibling.

    He pointed out my kids might have some of these same problems. He pointed out I was going to fight through this not for myself alone, but for everyone that knows me.

    When i feel really connected to the world after a depressive attack, I realize it makes me appreciate the world and my family and friends so much more. If you know someone depressed, tell them how much you really appreciate having them in your life. not “hey don’t hurt yourself OK?” more “I need you, yep, YOU, yep even the broken misfit toy that you are. The other toys are boring and don’t have your heart.” (someone said that to me!)

    Meanwhils, HAPPY FLAG DAY!!!!! (No this is not wee Nazi children, it’s AMERICANS!) Wonder what would happen if you kids tried this today?
    http://twodifferentgirls.com/2013/06/14/its-flag-day-and-this-used-to-be-ok/

  598. thanks to dawn – i highly recommend the ted video she posted – its worth the time to scroll up and find it

  599. Thank you so much for sharing your fight. I have been fighting depression since I was in my early teens and can identify with what you are going through. I have recently changed my diet and started doing yoga regularly. It seems to be helping, but only time will tell. The frustrating thing about depression is that it stops me from doing all of the things that I know are good for me and also I isolate myself which adds to the depression. Thanks again so much for sharing. It helps to know that I am not alone.

  600. I have been coming off of effexor this week and really struggling. Writings like this help. Music helps. And for me, a Brazilian father/son Beatles cover helps: http://ow.ly/m2Cre

  601. I found your book/blog about a year ago and I’ve never commented before but I just want to say keep on trooping because, even though I’ve never met you, I love you too much for anything to happen to you. I was diagnosed with depression when I was 19 and have been fighting with it for the past 5 years and just when I think I’m getting better I can suddenly go back to my darkest place. But then I’ll have some brilliant, shining moment which will make all of the shit days worth it because if I gave in I would never have experienced it. Some things that help – blow raspberries on your cats’ tummys (it confuses them), tackle-hug your loved ones, buy a fez wearing, mop wielding Doctor Who action figure, read Stephen Fry’s “It will be sunny again” 15 times in a row, listen to Florence + the Machine’s “Shake It Out” earsplittingly loud on repeat (neighbours be damned), go for a walk even if it feels like you’ll have to crawl because ENDORPHINS(!).

    Otherwise I WILL come to Texas and hunt you down and lurk in your shrubbery only to come out at night and write motivational messages on your windows in shaving cream like some kind of deranged Charlotte’s Web-type figure and you’ll have to get a restraining order and it will be all awkward.

  602. Oh Jenny. I’m sorry you’re going through this. As Allie (Brosh) reminds us (and I read her latest post like 3 times a week) – maybe everything isn’t pointless bullshit. Also, I still like you.

    For songs, I like “Raise your glass” – the Glee version.

    Did you ever watch Battlestar Galactica (the new one)? Because these are hilarious.

    Thank you for all you do for all of us.

  603. I initially read that as, “a bitch wave of depression,” which seems pretty accurate, actually. Thank you so much for sharing about this kind of thing.

    Jerimi recently posted Timmy’s Down The Well.

  604. Jenny, you cheer me up and make me laugh, and there are times – like today – when it makes all the difference. You give so many people that wonderful gift. I wish you a solution, SOON, and a future filled with bright days.

  605. “”Keep breathing. Keep living. You are worth it.””

    THIS is exactly what I needed to read right now.
    Thank you.

  606. I am currently out of the house because my kids needed it but I’d rather be in bed. To occupy myself while they play I brought two books. One a mom’s personal experience with a son’s autism because I need to read it. The other is your book to put a smile on my face as it always does.

  607. Loved your book, so now I am following your blog. I too have RA, but fortunately it is mild enough to keep under control naturally with massive doses of MSM, which also keeps me happy, as depression is normally a big symptom of RA. Both are body chemical issues, which is a real bitch. Hope you can get it all worked out someday. You are an amazing young woman and you have so much to offer the world.

  608. What helps me is funny blogs and books. I don’t always find them funny at the time, but I know that people out there do, and sometimes that helps me realize I will again too. There’s also the chance that a whopper will get through and make me laugh. So thank you.

  609. I find my solace in movies and tv. I am able to lose myself in a storyline and escape from everything for a little bit. Right now Pitch Perfect is what’s keeping my head above water, and funnily enough that song is a big part of that movie. It’s funny how worlds collide sometimes :)

  610. This Tribe is Amazing!!! We all struggle and I hope…no, I know…every minute has the possiblity of getting better.

    (((HUGS))) to you all.

    Sarah recently posted DAMN CAT.

  611. I struggle with mental illness. I’m bi-polar. You are so brave for being out there with your struggles and triumphs. I still hid my illness from all but close family. Which is silly because other people who know me have to know that something isn’t right. Luckily I’m mostly stable on my meds. But it took years and years to get a correct diagnosis and more years and years to find a drug cocktail that helps. My biggest issue is now anxiety. I’m anxious about everything. This is something new. So we’re trying new drugs to help combat this. Hang in there thru your depression. It really helps reading about your struggles. I’m sorry you have them but your writing about them helps me feel not so hopeless and alone and like I’m broken and can’t be fixed.

  612. You are awesome Jenny! I love this song too but I always thought Rihanna sang it, glad to know for some reason she doesn’t, it’s powerful. Stay strong, you’re needed!

  613. I’M GOING TO YELL CUZ I’M ALL THE WAY DOWN IN THE 600s…… :)
    I’m sure you’ve heard and/or tried this, but over & over again I’m amazed at the number of people who DON’T know this: going gluten free might help on the arthritis front. I have it, and sometimes if I just can’t help myself and indulge in foods I KNOW are bad for me, i’ll be lying in bed moaning in pain.

    (also affects my mood HARD CORE and I feel I am borderline depressive at times, most recently just a couple weeks ago. I simply had no desire to do anything, be anything, or care about anything. Not sure if it’s connected, but gluten free all week, and my mood is 1000x better.)

    Hang in there. We’re here for whatever you want/need us to read. :)

  614. Love to you, and really good vibes. “Because wine” makes perfect sense to me! Also, thanks for introducing me to this song, “Titanium.” (I have a poem called “Titanium” that keeps getting rejected. Perhaps this is why! It has a completely different mood…and association. I really like the song. Um, maybe I need a new title. Or to toss the poem. Or some wine.)

    Kathleen recently posted Going Back Outside, Probably to Sit in a Chair....

  615. We’re here. We care.

  616. It’s about the little things… and wine that get you through the day no matter how shitty the day. Thanks for sharing your story and the song. My life is made up a endless moments that can be recalled through song lyrics and music. I love that about LIFE.

    Brenda Dion recently posted Turn Your Next Backyard Barbecue Up a Notch!.

  617. Depression is what happens to interesting smart people. At least that’s one of the stories I tell myself. Here’s another, from my mama: “In this life, there are readers and there are cleaners. WE are readers.” Keep reading or whatever that thing is you do instead of cleaning, because cleaning is for people who have way more energy than we do.

  618. I struggled with depression for my entire adult life, until I was 34. At that point, the years of struggle won and I broke. Temporarily. Since then, I’ve been on meds (seroquel) and in therapy. Things have gotten so much better, to a level I didn’t even know could happen back when things were so dark. But what I really take from the experience, which I is what I really want to share, is that the strength it takes to live with depression is enormous. People who live with the disease, manage it, and keep it at bay are the strongest people on the planet, as far as I am concerned. When things get rough, or I get myself into a shame spiral, I have to remind myself just how hard I worked (and continue to work) just to survive. If I can manage that burden, I can do nearly anything. And so can you. And so can everyone who has commented to share his or her struggle. You are amazing and powerful, and you will beat this. Sending love and respect.

  619. The universe is amazing in its timing as your post today is exactly and incredibly relevant for me. One moment I feel the shithole of life that I am in will never change, the next moment I think it just may be possible for it to change. I can not thank you enough for giving me a moment of feeling positive about the potential for coming out of this hole. Your openness to talk about it publicly is a place I aspire to be. Depression is a shit covered in shit shat out by a shit machine built out of shit. Because wine baby.

  620. Having been through the worst depression of my life about seven months ago – and hospitalized for it briefly – you are a GINORMOUS inspiration. A friend recommended your blog to me when I came back to work this past January, after my maternity leave. I’ve laughed and enjoyed your tremendous generous hilarious personality ever since and had no idea you suffered like this. I would walk right up to you and fold you up in a HUGE hug if I could. Much love to you <3

    ~Oh it won't rain all the time. The sky won't fall forever. And though the night seems long, your tears won't fall forever.~ Jane Siberry – "It can't rain all the time" from "The Crow" Soundtrack

  621. You are so wonderful to share this. There are LOTS of other people out there feeling a lot the same way and also ALONE. You being open about it – will help them feel less so. I hope you find relief soon, you are making a difference.

  622. You will come out of this. That miracle is coming, and all of us will be here waiting with you.

    Sending hugs.

    Tracie recently posted A Letter To The Girl Who Is Hurting And Confused.

  623. Sometimes you do need to congratulate yourself for things like showering and leaving the house. You’re on the right track, keep pushing through. You are amazing! Lots of hugs xo

    Jamie recently posted Closure.

  624. Thank you so much for writing this. I am fighting my own hard battle right now and it’s just so hard and it sucks so much and I spend so much of my day crying. And when the good times come, it’s just like how you say, you don’t even remember what it’s like. During the good times I think “what does that even mean, ‘Depression lies’?” And then the bad times come and it becomes my mantra and it is what I am clinging to. I spend all day thinking “This is just how I am and no one can fix this and no medicine will ever work and I am ruined forever and I will pass this to my children and I will never get my life back and I don’t think I can do this anymore” and then I remember “Depression lies, depression lies, depression lies” and it lets in that teeny bit of light, that teeny bit of hope, that teeny bit of I can breathe again.
    I never want to write when I feel this terrible either which makes me appreciate your words even more. Thank you so very very much.
    I hope very much that you feel so much better soon. I am thinking of you.

    Elizabeth recently posted What I Wore This Week.

  625. The PPD community calls it “Velma.” Velma lies. She whispers heinous, vicious lies and before you know it, you’re stuck with her, like Churchill’s Black Dog. And then she leaves and you can hear yourself think again. You remember who you are.

    Keep remembering it’s not you. It’s Velma. And as we like to say on #ppdchat, Velma is a lying ho-bag.

    p.s. My apologies to anyone actually named Velma. One of these days, somebody on twitter is going to be really offended.

    Susan recently posted Saying Goodbye.

  626. round 4 of chemo today. I feel like shit. but i know that in 6 to 8 days when i stop feeling like i’m going to puke if I move my head, my wine fridge will carry me to the next round (only 12 more rounds to go! yeah me!
    Because Wine – very likely to be my post-cancer, post-chemo, post-reconstruction tattoo! Because, seriously, wine!

    Virginia recently posted Round 4. Chemo-style: GAP maxi dress, wedges, stylish scarf. I....

  627. Your will come though this! Hugs!

    Tanya recently posted Three Key Characteristics of a Smart Social Media Policy.

  628. Hugs and happy vibes sent your way.

    Eleanor recently posted Poor Potatoes!.

  629. Even though I’m fairly certain there’s no way humanly possible you can read through all these to end up reading this, I wanted to say it anyway. Thank you. Thank you for being the person you are. Thank you for having the guts to speak out about your struggles. And thank you for making it a little less scary for the rest of us to speak out about our own.
    If I hadn’t found your blog early last year, I’m not sure I’d have opened up about my own glitches. You made it OK for me to do that.
    It’s been a rough couple of weeks and that sucks. It sucks knowing you and so many others are also struggling. But…it sucks a little less knowing that none of us are alone in it.
    So again, thank you for that.

    Chris Dean recently posted I’m thinking’ I’ll either get a Publishing Contract, a Lawsuit, or hate mail for this..

  630. I have been clawing my way out of the pit for months now. Wellbutrin helped me for a while, but an increased (read – too high) dose sent me spiraling back down. Little things make me realize that I’m making progress, like last night when I bought a pair of mint canvas loafers, with cats printed all over them. I was entirely too excited to be a grown woman buying shoes with cats all over them. But I needed them, because wine. Actually, there was no wine, which makes it better… (worse??)

  631. I’ve been swimming through my own fog for nearly a year, with the past 9 months playing the “changing medication every month game” because *that* one didn’t work, so we move onto the next…and the next … and we just keep trying. (We: my head is like a clown car.)
    But a cool thing happened. Perhaps 6 weeks ago, when I was in a particularly dark place, I logged onto FB and posted to a “friends I never see” list that I was depressed and if anyone felt like sending me a card just so I’d get some mail that wasn’t a bill, I’d appreciate it. A dozen people took some time out of their days to send me inspiring, funny, and some just “thinking of you” cards. I put them on the wall in my office. It helps a little.
    Keep up the good fight.

  632. Sara @517 – I survived 23 days of the NICU last year, plus several subsequent weeklong hospitalizations, emergency helicopter ambulances for emergency surgeries, and just constant medical stress. No one can understand it until they’ve been there – watching your child struggle in a way you cannot help them is its own brand of hell. When you’ve just birthed that child, you need to take care of yourself, too, and you forget ALL about that.

    There are plenty of us out here to talk to who understand. The weight of it is so heavy that you don’t even have a chance to deal with your own depression, physical exertion, and recovery. You feel like a selfish shit for even thinking of your own welfare. But we MUST think of our own welfare. We must, or we cannot help our children when they need us.

    Thinking of you. I hope it helps. I’m 16 months in, and I promise that it does get loads better.

    Jenna recently posted Not Worth Reading.

  633. 637
    Sarah Manning

    I don’t think I’ve ever been in such a dark place but I know I’ve been close and its never far away, but I feel so much better knowing that other people feel the same. Keep talking about it , when you can.
    Today has been dreadful and I’m going to try and power on through and keep the dark at bay.

  634. I’m sorry your depression has returned. I admire you for being able to respond to other people in crisis when you yourself are feeling so low.

    I haven’t had much trouble with depression. But I’ve always felt like I don’t belong. Until I found your blog and discovered that many, if not most, people feel they don’t fit in.

    Thank you for that.

    Sue recently posted Maybe Bogie needs professional training.

  635. My puppies help. They snuggle, and they force some structure onto me and get me out of the house. When I’m out of the house and walking things are always at least a bit better.

  636. She’s right, people do care. And I care. About you, Madame Bloggess, about every one of you reading this comment. Hugs to all. :)

  637. “congratulating myself for taking a shower” This, so much this. I can’t remember the last time I brushed my hair, but the congratulatory pep talk the part of my brain that knows this will get better gave to the part of my brain that’s given up when I took a shower yesterday was probably hilarious, or tragic (I’ll have to let you know after I regain some sort of normal emotional gauge.)

  638. Yesterday was the one year anniversary of my beloved cousin’s suicide. She struggled with bipolar disorder for many years and finally, the lies won. She believed them. And it breaks my heart everyday.

    Yesterday, as I lay in bed crying and feeling generally miserable, I almost bought into the lies as well. Luckily, there’s still a tiny sliver of ME that comes through and reminds me that I have to live my life. That tiny sliver forced me to check Twitter, that wonderful-horrible place. I saw your post, Jenny, and feel like it helped stop me from doing the horrible things I was thinking about. Thank you.

    So I have some promises for you: I’ll keep taking the pills. I’ll keep talking to the shrink (even though he’s costing me an arm and a leg!). I’ll keep telling depression that it’s a lying scumbag. I’ll be here to read your blog since you’re promising the same things.

    *pinky-swear*

  639. I want you to know that I think its really important (well, its important to me) that you post stuff like this because the worst part is feeling alone. I have been struggling more than ever within the past year and the most upsetting thing to me is that I feel like absolutely no one can understand what goes on in my head. I’ve tried talking to friends, professionals, and there is no one that can understand the absolute torture I experience on a day to day basis from my OCD and depression. I know that I don’t know you, but even reading about someone who might kinda sorta get what I’m going through is really helpful and I especially needed this today. Thank you and keep being awesome. :-)

    Kelly recently posted Nail polish improves work performance….It’s science.

  640. 644
    BreadWinner Mom

    I want someone to find out why, from a bio-chemical or genetic standpoint or whatever the origin is, why are brilliance and humor and creativity so closely tied to crippling anxiety and depression? Why is that dark, sucking black hole the price we have to pay for being smart or funny or talented? Does anyone know? And if they do, why the hell can’t they fix it?
    When I am in that place, my husband tells me, over and over, like a mantra, “Remember, it always goes away. You’ve been here before. You get better. It goes away.”
    “Yes, it does. But,” the voice inside me counters, “it always comes back.”
    And that’s the worst of it. The thought that your own mind can ambush you at any time. Just jump out from behind a corner and cut your legs out from under you. That’s the voice I think people give in to when they give up. That’s the one that scares me the most.
    But you are right. It can move the other way just as fast. And that’s the voice I hold on to. The voice we all have to hold on to. And echo.
    As a type this, there are more than 640 comments here. All those voices joining in to make the good voice louder, and tell the lying depression voice to just STFU.

  641. I told you once that you’d changed my life, and it’s just as true today. I’m right there with you, and still waiting for it to lift. Hugs!
    J

  642. I had a moment or two yesterday where I was able to write about it too, but it really is hard. Plus I’m Mormon, so I can’t drink wine. And sometimes that sucks. But there must be something going around because it seems like an awful lot of us are going through it right now and I wish there was a magic cure for everyone.

    Karen Peterson recently posted This post has no title because my brain can't think of a good one..

  643. Some day, a bright beautiful day which can’t come soon enough, doctors will start to care about people’s emotional and mental health as much as they do physical health. I am lucky to have dodged the depression bullet, but I am in the middle of a horrible R.A. flare that is making it difficult for me to even limp around my house and feeling pretty po’ed about that. I wish there was a way to give you as many smiles as you have given me during this year since my diagnosis. When I’m feeling bummed about the R.A. I read the chapter about finger cancer in your book (one of my first symptoms was finger cancer, too) and it makes me smile, and feel hopeful. Something about facing your challenges with grace resonated with me so much and I come back to it on hard days. May you continue to face your challenges with grace. You are appreciated and loved so much, by so many.

  644. For you.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Il0dmp86Q8

    Thank you for EVERYTHING.

  645. I’m so sorry, Jenny. A lot of my friends are hurting, my friend Tonya’s husband died of a heart attack this week and then she found her mother in law dead in bed two days later. I know her because of our kid’s mutual rare scoliosis. She’s already been through a lot with that and multiple body casts on her young daughter, hospital visits, etc. They have 2 girls.

    I’m so happy to hear your physical pain is better, this too shall pass. Depression and pain are mean.

    I also love the song. <3

    Girl to Mom- Heidi recently posted Burglaries in Los Angeles!.

  646. I have been stuck in a giant depressive cloud for about 2 1/2 months. Just Wednesday, I woke up and felt *slightly* better. I was able to read one whole book for the first time in almost three months, but that’s the only one. (I have 2 books waiting and normally I would read back-to-back. For example, I have read 15 books. Last year I read 58 books.) I still barely make it day to day, but I don’t feel as hopeless or lost, just like I have to work really hard to do everything I’m supposed to do today. But it’s a little bit better than it was yesterday and the day before.

    BTW, everyone who likes Jenny should check out The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast. It’s really an amazing discussion about mental illness and all life’s struggles. I would love to see (hear) Jenny interviewed for the show.

  647. There are two kinds of people: Those who know and those who doesn’t.
    Untill you’ve been kicked down by a depression, you don’t have a clue what its about.
    Thank you so much for sharing!

    At this time I’m trying to fight a heavy depression, but the sideeffect of the medicine is nearly killing me and I keep telling myself that depression lies.
    I have to!
    It begun with a collapse from stress, then my parents in law killed my dog, I got fired from my job and my husband decieded to leave me.
    It all happend in a month.
    Please promise me that it will get better!

    (I promise. ~ Jenny)

    byMelchiors recently posted Feriefredag: Trixyworld på vildveje med en franskmand.

  648. Hey. You know what? I always appreciate your posts about anxiety & depression. But today? Today I am HUGE grateful that you referred to having suffered so fully from the pain of RA. I’m hiding in bed trying to pretend that the flare of RA I’m having in my cervical spine really isn’t a big deal. Chronic pain sucks whether it’s physical or psychological. But, man oh man, it is so helpful to read about how you found something that gives you such relief. Because right now, my RA pain is making me miserable in several ways. Thank goodness you’re here reminding me that RA lies too because if you found the medicine to alleviate your RA symptoms, then I will too – eventually. Suck it, RA!

  649. I have been taking Sam-E, it’s a natural supplement (this is not a weird scam ad) b/c I am skeptical of actual anti-depressants/side effects (no judgement, whatever works for people), but it seems to have elevated my mood/outlook in a subtle, but noticeable way; nothing drastic just enough to make you thinks things are pretty okay (which some days I would cut off my left arm for, so I’ll take it!) I have also been seeing a counselor about 2X a month. I asked her not to diagnose me, but just to give me more tools in my tool belt that will help me navigate my way out of situations I tend to get mentally stuck in (you know the ones you do not know how to interpret and you let them spiral you mentally into a deep dark place that is really, really hard to crawl out of). The combination seems to be working out a lot better then sitting in my bedroom feeling numb. Good Luck Jenny, when I am feeling down & I read your stuff it puts the piss & vinegar back in me and reminds me I am not the only person who can be very dark at times, (but I like to think we are screwed up in a really terrific way, and all the twisted shit is also what makes us have a hilarious/bizarre outlook; which incidentally is my favorite part about myself & you!).

    Krissy recently posted This is why I'm weird Part 2, (this is about to get real weird).

  650. Thank you for your obtuse clarity.

    I have been struggling with depression for decade and have been taking paxil for about 15 years. Only during the last few months have I identified some things that help me.

    1. Walk – maybe just 5 minutes, but do it. This is so important for the long term turn around.
    2. Music – only as it gets tolerable. As I begin to come out of the depression, I find the music I enjoy gets livelier.
    3. Eat well – I do a Whole30 and it helps me feel more in control of something.
    4. Be outside – I park my butt in the outdoor air, in front of a bird feeder. I always love watching the birds, even if I’m curled up in a blanket somewhere.

    Jenny, I appreciate this space you’ve created – safe and welcoming. It is clear that you touch the world and it is better because of it.

  651. Thank you for your honesty and for the reminder that I am not alone & that DEPRESSION LIES. I have found myself sinking this week & yesterday went to bed the minute i walked in from work until i had to get up to go to work this morning, and the only reason I managed that was because I had to come in to get my paycheck. I stopped using meds 4 years ago & until last night I hadn’t regretted that decision. Keep on keepin’ on Jenny <3

  652. “depression is an asshole that lies to you” has been so helpful, I change it to anxiety, but still. Getting to read about other people going through the same things helps so much. No matter how much other people tell me I need to get over my shit and get back to normal I can know that what I’m going through IS a kind of normal. A shitty kind of normal, but just as in need of taking care of as a broken leg.

    I am so glad to hear your rheumatoid is getting better. I have a dear friend who suffers with it and it is always heartbreaking, especially as she doesn’t have the means to try a lot of different treatments. It’s another of those awful issues that people cannot see so they want you to just fight through. The more people in the public eye speak out about them the more help there is so thank you. Seriously thank you!

    Kitty recently posted The Non-knitters We Love.

  653. 658
    Allison Burroughs

    Accupuncture and for me, swimming.
    All the meds in the world can’t cure my anxiety, only mask it. But those two things seem to work best.
    Tried meditating but that is like sitting an alcoholic down at a bar and telling them to only drink water.

  654. I’m at the International Bipolar Convention right now in Miami trying to gain as much knowledge as possible. Tomorrow, I will attend multiple talks on the stigma of mental health and the importance of talking about it. Thank you for being our internet advocate/spokeswoman for all of the mentally ill lawsbian tribe. (The MILT association, if you will) If someone presents the miracle drug tomorrow…I promise to let you know. (after I take a handful) Kinda like your statement…”because wine”, I like to say, “keep feeling.” If we are still feeling, we are still here. xoxox

  655. Damn I needed this today. Thank you.

  656. I needed this today.

    KaraB recently posted McNutty in the house!.

  657. Glad to hear you’ve reached the surface again. The book Start Where You Are by Pema Chodron recently helped me sort some things out. Sometimes it helps me to remember to hang out with a good friend, even if I hate all people at the time. It helps me remember that not everyone sucks, and even if we don’t laugh together, it’s nice to commiserate and get hugs.

    Allison recently posted Letter to the Future Ex-Governor.

  658. Jenny, thank you for your blog, for sharing your ups and downs. And thanks also to all of you who comment. I have depression because of chronic pain. This place always makes me feel less alone.
    ((((GROUP HUG)))))

  659. I’m down there too. The more we can remind each other that it does end, the better chance we all have of coming out on the other side.

    Thank you for posting the song…I think it’s going on repeat over here too.

    Hang on, even if it’s only by your fingernails. And they’re scraping on a blackboard. :-P

  660. 665
    Pam up North

    thanks for the inspiration Jenny-you make me feel less dead inside, for a little while

  661. So, I found your blog maybe a year ago because of an article I read about depression that mentioned you. And then I read your book, and now I check your blog daily because you never fail to: (a) make me laugh when I really, really need to and nothing else will make me laugh; or (b) make me cry in a really, really good way. Like today, when you (and everyone who has commented) reminded me that I am not alone.

    I have struggled with my emotions my entire life. As a kid, I would get so down that I would think nothing would ever be OK again, or so anxious that I’d worry constantly for days. Then in high school, I started self-harming, which I’ve now fought with, on and off, for too many years. Then in my early 20s, the panic attacks started. Then law school, which were the “fun with eating disorders” years. And through it all, in the back of my mind, I felt like I was alone — a feeling that was bolstered by therapists who didn’t seem to really realize how much I was hurting because of how outwardly poised I am (it’s a facade I have trouble dropping). A feeling that was bolstered by a self-harm support group filled with beautiful high school girls with scars who looked at this 30-something-year-old woman in their midst like I was an alien. A feeling bolstered by family who just don’t show emotions. Ever.

    I don’t know you, but you make me feel less alone. And I want to say thank you for that.

    As for what works for me: yoga. The ocean. Really over-the-top shoes. And wine. Because wine.

  662. Much, much love. And some light. And more wine.

  663. Adding to the hugs.

    Robyn Straley recently posted Spreekt u Nederlands?.

  664. 669
    Ms. Kitty

    Jenny! You are so amazing, and I am so grateful you are here and willing to share with the world! You are so very brave! Just for that I am going to go take pictures of the metal chickens (yes plural) in my new neighbors yard and send them to you because wine! AND after that I am going to take pictures of his neighbors hoarde of metal ants and send those to you too because wine! Love you Jenny, thank you for your awesomeness!!!

  665. Thank you for “Depression Lies” I repeat that to myself and feel stronger with every syllable.
    I keep surfing these waves, riding out into the vast ocean looking for land. It does get better. Putting myself in new environments helps, seeing how other people function and respond to life often gives me hope.
    When I suffer anxiety I remember what my brother said to me once “You should be worried about Goblins stealing your cheese.” or if you’re freaking out about things that haven’t happened at least make it a little interesting. Thank you Jenny for writing, for sharing. There’s a whole community to listen and learn and see there is land on the horizon.

  666. music does help a lot … for me it’s music and driving. and sunshine. and reading…. except when I’m in a deep, dark place and even reading seems like an effort. or when I’m super broke and can’t drive with music because gas… and then I get even more depressed and then it’s just badness.

    sigh… must remember that depression lies.

  667. Thank you for this post today. After a long stretch of “almost normal” lately I’ve been feeling myself slide intermittently back toward depression, I’m finally admitting in might be time to go back on some meds. Which is all find and good, what I really wanted to say is thanks for reminding me that my broken brain is lying to me when it says that getting my ass off the couch and going outside won’t make me feel better – I’m hauling myself out the shed and onto a bike, if even for 15 lousy minutes, quite possibly no farther then the corner ice cream store…whatever. I needed someone to tell me not to listen to the lie. Thanks.

  668. listen to the cover of Titanium by the Piano guys and Bryce canyon. very uplifting

  669. Must be something in the air. Normally summer, with the quantity of sunlight, is a good time for me. But things feel weird. Could be linked to the 17 year cicadas we had this year.
    What helps me? I stay on my meds, just missing 1 dose seems harmless, but then a day later the torpor begins and I feel like I am swimming in molasses. My dogs also help, heck any dogs help! The goofiness and unconditional love really helps.
    And knowing I am not alone, and it will pass.
    I’m here, and if you like you could borrow my dogs.

    Kelly recently posted DSM, Table-top LA, LA on Frame: a comparison.

  670. Reading through all of the comments was actually kind of helpful, even though it is a little bit of a trigger too…I guess every thing is a trigger kind of. But I was noticing how obviously experienced and helpful and kind and compassionate you are–even though you clearly said that you are in the middle of a bout of this RIGHT NOW. So I was just wondering…does answering back make you feel worse? Because I don’t want you to feel obligated to take care of me–some random chick who wrote on your blog–just because I feel better by writing to you. But at the same time, you are this treasure trove of experience and knowledge. So, does sharing that experience help you in any way, or does it just bring you down more? Just curious as to how the second and third order of effects work…

  671. I am a HUGE fan. Ironically, I found you after a major depressive event that almost killed me (thanks for all the crazy meds my shrink put me on). As I began to stabilize, (after I fired my shrink), I decided that I would only read or watch things that made me laugh. That was 2 years ago and I am sticking to that policy. I had fought what I now realize were mild to moderate depressive events until the age of 50 when I went through menopause, empty next, and an unplanned divorce (while living in Naples, Italy). Upon returning to the US I really crashed hard. Depression runs in my family so my elderly parents came over and said “We are not leaving until you get on some medication”. I love my parents but that promise was enough to get me off the cough and on the phone to a doc. My PC doc led me to the shrink who almost killed me with likes of Abilify and Triliptel. But, in the end I ended up on a low dose of Wellbutrin (75mg – a 150XL cut in half) and Pristiq (25 mg – 50 mg time released cut in half). In the evening I take .5 Klonopin for Anxiety. I read VOLUMES on medications but I learned a lot from reading all kind of crazy people blogs about their meds. What I realized is that it is truly a specific “cocktail” for each and every person. For me, a little bit works and a little bit more makes me suicidal. It’s a bit like walking a tight-rope but the alternatives are rather unpleasant. Ironically, last spring when I was about 6 months into really feeling great (I had gotten married.., my new husband is a saint as he married me when I was suicidal, unemployed and on the verge of being homeless due to my inability to wrok), I was cutting grass and fell down the hill and broke all the bones in my ankle, spent the summer in a wheel chair at Walter Reed, watching young men without any arms or legs. It was bizarre but I never had a bout of depression during this time. My husband and I decided to “give back” by foster parenting a service dog and now we have a puppy we are training and will turn over to http://www.cci.org when she is around 18 months. Recently, I’ve been fighting the current against depressive event because of 2 issues that have to do my 24 year old son (long story) and my weight (another long story) these issues dont’ cause the depression, it’s fighting the issues that seems to be the precipitating catalyst. (does that make sense?) I say all this to let you know that I believe that tweaking the meds is a life long practice and that decoding the events that underpin a depressive event is also important. my family members and I are prone to PTSD depressive events. we sail through life’s stressors, only to collapse “for no apparent reason” months later. It only took us 50 years to figure this out. In closing, I have to say, my husband and I LOVE YOU!!!!! We are both bloggess junkies and think you are the greatest. Please know that you are loved and that you are doing an amazing service to bat-shit crazy people like me and I am thrilled to have found you. Our regards to Victor, Jenna and Steve

  672. That is huge, and you should be proud of yourself. Just like I was telling my boyfriend the other day when I didn’t have a panic attack when I woke up in the middle of the night and felt like puking. I successfully veered my brain away from it’s usual horrible response and that’s HUGE, it seems like something small, but it’s huge and even if he didn’t quite get it or care, I was able to see it for the big step it was. You’re still able to remind yourself that the depression isn’t forever, it’s lying and that you’re amazing, that’s huge so pat yourself on the back.

  673. 678
    Beth Werrell

    I am a professional copywriter and editor, and I hereby authorize you to use “Because wine.” as a full sentence.

    No English teachers were harmed in the production of this comment. The writer featured is certified for dangerous stunt writing on a closed course. Do not attempt this at home. Your mileage may vary. Copy written in the mirror is closer that it appears and may summon demons if read aloud.

  674. Thank you! and HUGS, and well….because wine…

  675. Thank you for this post Jenny. Struggling with suicidal thoughts and I felt better after reading this. Also, I really want to read your new book so that will be worth waiting for.

    I wish you good health.

  676. Never fear. We’ll hang out with you through thick and thin – for as long as it takes, my friend.
    Beaming you peace.
    Barb in Minnesota

  677. A few years ago I read your blog- just once. I decided you were too crazy for me. Now I love you and think you’re the funniest thing EVER.
    So I’m depressed. In December 2005 they gave me 6-24 months to live. Fuck that. Not sure where I’m going with all this but I think we should all hang around just to see what’s coming next. And to say fuck that to those who need it.
    You help so many. Excellent job Jenny the Bloggess

  678. Thank you, I have been reading your post for a while and I have to say this one in particular came at the moment when I needed to see those words. I was going to explain why, but you know what, just thank you.

  679. Thank you. I could have written this whole post, but replace cats with guinea pigs, and probably skip the part about mustaches on them. I’ve been a wreck for over two weeks now, and have even considered checking into a hospital for a while, but then I realized I’d miss my kids too much, and also my guinea pigs. Thank you for being public and vocal about it. It helps us all know we’re not the only people in the world too pathetic to put on clean underwear. We’ll get through this and we’ll be okay.

    Alisa recently posted Grammarly Wants My Credit Card Number So They Can Tell Me I'm a Plagiarist.

  680. Not that you’ll read this b/c you’re all famous and stuff BUT look into Rituxan (an IV medication) to treat RA. I haven’t read the pharmacology around how it works but it sounds like the ‘real’ thing for putting a cap in the ass of RA. Constant pain is a bitch and a normal that many, many people have – otherwise we’d have big cemeteries not big cities.

    Miracles happen every day, I’m proof even if I’m jaded and not very well known. Please keep writing – I love your blog, your honesty, your ambiguity, your reality is mine.

  681. This is so much why we love you. You speak the truth, from the heart and you’re loved so much because of it. We need to let you know we do care. And thank you for the reminder that we’re loved, too. xo See you on the other side. I know you’ll be there soon.

    Andrea recently posted What I need to remember..

  682. I pulled out of a three-year stint of severe depression earlier this year. So severe that I gave myself an expiration date (if you catch my drift) of one more year because I had zero quality of life, and no doctor, psychiatrist, or medication helped. I was beyond tired. I was empty. I was done.

    Then, seemingly overnight, it was just gone. No longer did it hurt to breathe. To smile. To go outside on a beautiful day and not feel as if nature itself was trying to spite me.

    Even now, several months later, I still fret whenever I have a ‘meh’ day. I maintain a perpetual duck-and-cover pose. Because it’s never a matter of IF it will rear its ugly head again, but WHEN.

    I guess what I’m getting at is that I understand. I understand that for us, life is often an endurance test. I understand the exhaustion of depression itself, and I understand the exhaustion of the need to constantly and closely monitor your mental and emotional state even (and especially) when you’re not depressed so you’re not taken off guard when it hits. I understand that sometimes it takes a tremendous amount of effort to ask for help, and I understand the crushing devastation when that help… doesn’t help.

    We are warriors. We are superheroes. We are survivors. And we are together in this, every step of the way. You are surrounded by people who are not content to wait for you to come out the other side, but will instead venture into the darkness to find you and keep you company. Do whatever it takes to make yourself okay. Endure. It will pass.

  683. writing helps me, that and reading although my lost in a good book has been mistaken for depression. I don’t really know why I can’t focus on books when I am at the darkest part of my depressions, and when I am not quite there yet I only read for about five ten minuets at most before picking up another book. My old cat and dog use to help too they always seemed to know when I needed a cuddle or someone to sit while I talked or cried or what ever I was doing at the time. I miss them my new dog is as broken as I am she is a rescue, but we love her anyway.
    oh and hugs because hugs are great.

  684. Some days this is me and I am always going to be like this and then I read what you write and remember that sometimes its not like this. Thanks for the reminder today, really, really, really needed it.

    Michelle @QofTU recently posted Fear Not or Fear All.

  685. Music helped me too. And, though it took almost 15yrs, I found my magical drug combo. I don’t recommend drugs because of the lifetime commitment, but I will share my combo with you. I take Geodon (generic), Lamictal (generic), venlafaxine during the day & all of those plus trazadone & Ambien at bedtime. It’s been several years now & I haven’t felt the utter helplessness, the terror and the little voice that says life for everyone would be better without you. I’m no Pollyanna, but I’m so much better than before. I hope you find something that will work for you.

  686. My teen daughter struggles with depression. Some days she asks me if it will always be like this. I tell her, “absolutely not, we’re going to find the right treatment to get you better.” She says, “you don’t know that, maybe I can’t be fixed.” I say, “Yes, I do, because too many people are going through this and their moms will not put up with this shit much longer. Once the moms are on it, shit gets better. Every time.” Some days, this makes her smile. Probably because her mom said “shit”, but I will take smiles no matter what it takes to get them.

    Thank you.

  687. As always thank you. Your insight, wisdom, and humour feed my soul. There is no one in my real life that understands depression and that it comes, stays a while, and fucks off. So I am grateful that I somehow stumbled upon you, your blog, your book, and your twitter. I spent most of my 20′s and 30′s crying over the dumbest things and being embarrassed that I had no control over my tear ducts. It took until I was 38 or 39 to finally say the words “I think I’m depressed” to my doctor. I’ve been on Cymbalta ever since and believe that I will be on some med or another for the rest of my life. I should try some counselling but without family support that feels really scary. You inspire me to carry on, hold my head up, and nap if I need it. I love you woman!!

  688. 693
    Kimberly Licari

    Its REALLY nice to know Im not alone. Depression sucks……BUT I am happy to say I came out on the other side of a major funk not too long ago after several months of just struggling through the day to day….LOVE reading your stories Jenny!

  689. Hang in there! I LOVE your book and am now loving your blog! I personally think box wine goes best with depression:) Take care!

  690. “Courage, dear heart.”

  691. That is pretty much a perfect summary of what it’s like in an a depressive episode, weeks or days or months, off and on. Not wanting to shower, move, go out, accomplish, nothing matters. You KNOW you’ll feel better one day, but you can’t feel it, so you can’t reeeallly believe it. Then even when you do, you know it’ll happen again. I would be the first to sign up for a study that put a little happy time serotonin chip in your brain at those times, because you feel like there’s literally NOTHING to lose. Anyway, thanks. I usually find that people with depression mild or major actually have the capacity for the greatest sense of humor, since we have no choice at all, gotta keep breathing. It’s sad that it’s nice when other people go through things that are terrible because it means you’re not alone. Misery, company blah blah blah.

  692. Thank you for this. A friend reads your blog and said you wrote it “just for me”. I don’t have words to say how much your post touched me. Thank you for being brave enough to paint a not so pretty picture of what life is like with severe depression… it reminds me of the robin williams movie “What dreams may come”

    I’m in a very deep dark nasty depression. I’m living minute to minute and doing all I can to get outside (I did it today!… yesterday I didn’t)

    Thank you again.

  693. 698
    acrannymint

    I happen to be bi-polar so I can definitely sympathize. When I was on the downward side, the knowledge that there was an upside kept me going.

  694. <3 You brighten up my day, and I wish I could do the same for you, and everyone else battling depression. Depression Lies! too true.

  695. Exercise, girlfriends, social activies( whether I want to or not) and Pristique

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