219 thoughts on “There’s probably a typo in here. Possibly several.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Yep. Seems pretty accurate to me.

    Also, I’ve never actually found the screw once I’ve dropped it so you’ve at least one-upped me there.

  2. But at least you could see well enough to take an in-focus picture of the problem!

  3. I can’t say that I’m familiar with that situation – I’ve never lost the screw in any of my glasses, just done the usual “I left my glasses somewhere and now I can’t find them because I don’t have my glasses on” – but yeah, sounds like the inside of my head all month.

  4. Just don’t jump with the glasses, or you’ll have to go through the whole thing again. Although, you won’t be able to see once you hit the ground. But, if you hit it just right, it won’t matter. Right?

  5. For future reference, there is an easy replacement. Use either a twist tie (paper stripped off) or a small paper clip instead of the screw. Then, go to the nearest eyeglass place, and they will repair it for you, usually for free. We keep those cheap eyeglass repair kits in the house. They have extra screws and a screwdriver and sometimes a magnifying glass! Got them at the dollar store!

  6. Oh yeah. I’ve had that week. Followed by the hours long search for glasses that were perched atop my head.

  7. That just sucks. But I love that the parents were there when that was screamed. You just made my night seem awesome. HAHA!! Good luck with the specks.

  8. But I still love you, one armed glasses and stabby faced….
    Just say you we’re attacked by a unicorn.

  9. Seems to sum up my week too.
    I blame the moon. I don’t know why, but it’s always her fault.

  10. Sometimes, I think that my whole life has been like that. Plus I would be happy if all I found on my floor was a piece of grapevine.

  11. And Victor’s wrong. Glasses totally make you hear better. Seems to be that way for me, anyway.

  12. Knocked my glasses off the bedside table in the middle of the night. Knelt down to find them Velma-style and heard them crunch beneath my knee. Put them on anyway to check on the slightly sick child down the hall. Smashed into the door jamb thanks to my now distorted eyesight. Woke up slightly sick child and grumpy partner with my yelp. Had to mollify both. Too afraid to attempt going downstairs for the self-soothing wine.

  13. Been there. Done that. Only I would probably be trying to use a butter knife for a screwdriver and it would be too big to fit.

  14. I think that’s how my month has been. I lost my wallet for example and the car was running out of gas. I had no money to buy food and I’m pregnant. So I couldn’t go back to the place where my wallet might have been because I would run out of gas and I was too hungry to walk that far.

  15. I TOTALLY get the whole “..can’t hear you without my glasses on…” thing. People who don’t wear glasses just don’t get it!

  16. Sadly, I feel your pain exactly. If I get one more migraine before the end of the month, I might shoot my doctor because that makes more sense than doing bodily harm to myself.

  17. yesyes, that’s generally what happens to me, except that my husband is the reason they get broken (probably some plot to be more attractive, if you find blurry attractive) So then when they finally get fixed the glasses place puts a miniature bolt in.

    All my glasses have had miniature bolts >.>

  18. I have been late for work because I put my glasses down somewhere and could not find them because I didn’t have my glasses on.

    I feel your pain. I hope your weekend is better.

  19. I *hate* when that happens. I actually keep an old pair of glasses that are *almost* current nearby in case of emergencies like that. Though they give me a headache and I threaten to shank kittens if I DON’T FIND THE PIECE TO MY DAMN GLASSES. And that’s on a normal day.

    …I’m probably not a very nice person….

  20. Guess what? It gets better. You know why? Because wine. That’s why.

    TGONIYAAOATF (Thank God, or not if you’re an atheist or agnostic, tomorrow’s Friday)

  21. I had to explain to my husband why I paid $3.59 for a vegan doughnut. Not an east task. “I need new glasses” was excuse!

  22. Clear nail polish on the screw when you have an actual seeing person helping. It works.

  23. I really do think that having issues with your glasses cause hearing impairment. I honestly can never hear properly when I don’t have my glasses on…. maybe it’s because I’m too focused on trying to see? I’d be a horrible blind person….

  24. ALSO, because apparently I can’t remember to comment all at once, I hate it when people say that not having your glasses on doesn’t affect hearing. IT DOES. I can’t hear SHIT without my glasses on!

    I’m glad I’m allergic to cats. With all the kitten shanking I threaten, I would be a terrible cat mom. I almost never shank puppies.

  25. I have NEVER understood why the damn glasses screws are so small because there is no friggin way you can screw the screw because you can’t see the screw without the damn glasses.

    Makes no damn sense.

  26. The next time you lose a tiny screw or an earring or something this is what you should do: Take your vacuum cleaner hose, rubber band a piece of pantyhose over the end of it, and suck it up. This will solve your problem, but will unfortunately result in a much less interesting post for the rest of us.

  27. Yep, polyamourous affair in the dumps and the purchase of a butcher shop in limbo. One legged lesbian ex-wife ignoring kiddos due to celebrating DOMA dying yesterday. Not making this shit up, hang in there, we love ya.

  28. Frustrating as hell…if and when you get the screw back in the hole and tightened..use a clear nail polish over the screw to keep it from coming back out.

  29. This is why I don’t wear glasses any more. Shit like this makes me crazy. This is why I buy cheap sunglasses – because once that screw has come out one time, it will never stay put again. So I just throw the sunglasses away and get a new pair. Seriously, I have about 4 pairs of cheap sunglasses for this very reason…

  30. It’s the weevils… or the gerbils… someone is messing with you… somewhere under your house, or hiding behind a stuffed mouse, are all the little screws and mini screwdrivers and one lost sock…

  31. My grandmother preferred her glasses broken. Once, my mother asked her why she didn’t get them fixed, and my grandmother responded that she liked the world better when it was slightly out of focus.

    True story.

  32. Glasses help you hear better because when someone talks to you, you can see their lips moving. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

    Also, I recommend an eyeglass repair kit. Then you don’t have to worry about the little screw that fell on the floor, you just replace it with a new one. This assumes that you’re actually able to find the repair kit when you need it, and didn’t put it in a “safe” place.

  33. YES!!!! Exactly! Stupid glasses. At this point, I’m still good with the cheaters, but I do have my favorites (the purple ones). That doesn’t mean I don’t have spares! In this room alone, aside from the pair on my face, there are two pair between the monitors, one pair in my purse, one pair in my not quite messenger bag but not really brief case, a pair (possibly two) buried under the mound of papers to my right, two more still in the Target bag. I think there might be a pair in my spring jacket and I’m almost certain there’s a pair in my winter coat. Then there are the two pair in my car, the one (or is it two?) in my office at work… and possibly a few more around the house that the cats stole because that’s how my cats roll, the lousy thieves.

  34. This happened to someone at my job once, screw was completely lost, however. So of course when she said, “I need a screw,” I resoundingly replied, “Oh my gawd, yes, SO DO I!”

    I think the dirtiness is necessary even if we are only talking about tools.

    Heh heh heh- I said “tools”…

  35. Well, your week will probably get better. And it will probably never happen like this again, BUT if it does, a small single earring with a back — I don’t know what you call them, but not the hook kind — can hold the thing together while you find the screw — or even pretty much forever in case you actually do vacuum more often than I do and accidentally slurp the screw up into that great dust bin in the sky. And best wishes to your parents-in-law…

  36. So. Maybe contact lenses. My glasses are both crooked and several years old so when I need them I end up stumlbing around drunkenly wondering why the world is shaped like a fishbowl and which reality is real, dammit?!

  37. You’d think in the day and age they’d come up with a better method of fastening your glasses than a tiny part which inevitably falls out and which coincidently sounds just the same as a slang word for the sexual act, so you are doomed at some point to embarrass yourself in front of your in-laws. In my mind, this is an argument for contact lenses. If a contact lens falls out of your eye you don’t get into trouble with your in-laws by saying “I’m screwed. I just lost my contact.”

  38. There was an awful smell in the kitchen, so I took the trash out, but that didn’t solve it. For some odd reason, I looked under the stovetop and found – so help me – a dead mouse. A tiny mouse mummy inside the place I cook my oatmeal. Mmmmmmm.

    I will never eat or cook again. And you may not want to come over.

    But the bad part? That was not the source of the smell. I cleaned up the mouse and the smell would not go away. This evening I found a BAG OF MEAT SCRAPS that my mom had sent home for the dog that had been hidden in the bottom of one of my reusable grocery bags under some other bags. ROTTEN SUMMERTIME MEAT SCRAPS. That was my week.

  39. It’s been so long since my glasses broke that I forgot how frustrating it is searching for that stupid screw. I haven’t said anything in front of my in-laws because I don’t have any yet, but do you think it’s similar feeling to when you are 12 years old and riding in a car with your mother, half-brother and his wife and you accidentally swear really loudly?

    As for my week, it was pretty mediocre until today when I decided to get into a swimming pool with my cell phone still in my pocket.

  40. Victor is wrong – there is a connection between hearing when you can’t see!

  41. I use picture hanging wire to fix mine. But honestly I have about 20 pairs from the dollar store so I should probably throw the broken ones out.

  42. The other week I apparently fell asleep with my glasses on. In the middle of the night I hear this crashing sound, but since I’m pretty much asleep I think “meh, I’ll worry about that in the morning”

    I wake up and reach for my glasses, only they’re not there. And my eyes are so bad things are blurry about 2 inches away from my eyeballs. I get down on my hands and knees and feel around, but my room is a mess so I mostly come up with garbage. I had to call my mom to get her to help me find my glasses. I’m 28.

  43. You did say Victor is a republican so you should be experienced with small screwing.

  44. Dear god, Suebob, you win.

    If anyone needs something to celebrate, my at-work-nemesis is moving on. So, there’s that.
    I am holding out hope that the replacement is not of a nemesis sort.
    Yay? *Waves homemade pom-poms wanly*

  45. According to my optometrist, dabbing a bit of clear nail polish on top of the screw can keep them from backing out. I think a dab of lock-tight on the threads would also work, but it is a bit trickier to do when you can’t see what you are doing.

  46. I have been known to say – in all seriousness: “You’ll have to speak up. I can’t hear well now because I’m not wearing my glasses.” And it’s true!

  47. Oh, come on Victor… Don’t you turn down the car radio when you’re looking for a street sign? Of course she couldn’t hear you because her glasses were broken… Jeez!

  48. STOP SPYING ON ME!

    Oh sure, you changed the location (from my work to your home) and the people (from my co-worker with customers around to your husband with family around) in a sneaky attempt to hide the fact that you were spying on me, but…

    Either that or we’re really related and we just don’t know it. SISTER! Gotta be.

    And it’s lasted all week for me as well. *sigh*

  49. I am SO THERE with you!!!

    Also.. when my cat’s attempt to sabotage my going to work by stealing my glasses from off my nightstand. Yeah.. they go there!

  50. Victor is mistaken on this one. You can in fact hear better if you can see. It’s not entirely logical but it makes it no less true. And thank you for the tears-running-down-my-face laughter. I reallyreallyreally needed that TONIGHT.

  51. I don’t think that anything gives me a greater panic attack than not having my glasses. A few years ago, one arm broke off, and because I’m a fucking mole-person, my glasses take a week to come in, and I had to walk around with them barely balanced on my one ear in the most ghetto-ridiculous fashion possible.

  52. So wow yeah sucky ass suck feast of a week. Heard something about mercury in retrograde. I think it could be worse. You could be the guy possibly with too many corpses who got killed for letting someone call him daddy when he had just one job to not fuck up. THEN he let it slip about Larry…. You know he us being tortured with eyeglasses screws right now. Why he screams. Hench men says wine of course

  53. that can make you go blind, y’know? I mean – weeks like that….can make you go blind….or being so screwed will eventually blind you….or something like that. hope next week’s better! or at the very least I hope you have repaired glasses.

  54. First, I totally relate because I am probably nearly legally blind, so when I punch the alarm clock and my glasses fly off the nightstand, the whole world has to stop until I find them, which means I’m in my pj’s crawling with my face and inch from the floor trying to find the dang things. Like that scene in Steel Magnolias when Annelle kind of turns into a church-going hussy at the winter fair and her contact pops out and she yells “NOBODY MOVE!” and Truvy rolls her eyes but everyone has to step back and give Annelle a 10 foot radius to find her contact.

    Second, I love that every time I pop on here to read a post, “Same Love” starts playing. That song gives me chills and it made me fall even more in love with Macklemore than I did when “Thrift Shop” happened, but for completely different reasons.

  55. My prescription sunglasses like to lose the lens on the right hand side, usually at an awesome time like when i’m driving or wading in a lake or pool. I’ve used loctite on the screw but it keeps working loose.

    Aw, hell, that wasn’t funny at all. Sorry.

  56. Um, his parents have met you before, right? Then they know better, or they should.

  57. I used to keep a small screwdriver in my purse and tighten my glasses’ screws every day. But, I’m a freak.

  58. And then you finally get the screw thingy in and you put your glasses on and you have smudge marks and fingerprints all over your lens and have to clean it and then it pops out again while you’re cleaning it and then you have to start everything all over again and drink some wine while you’re doing it and the wine doesn’t help you fix your glasses but what is the problem?

  59. Ah, typical male; only worried about his manhood and not focusing on the problem at hand …

  60. When my daughter was two, she knew that if she woke me up, she had to hand me my glasses if she wanted me to hear her. Thought I was the only one!

  61. That whole paragraph was one sentence. Very impressive. I wrote a story about Humphrey the humpback whale and had a sentence that was 5 pages long. It was in the third grade with the big lines on the paper.

  62. I had the phone wake me from a nap today, so I answered it. It was for the hubby, so I rolled out of bed to yell down the stairs for him and in the process knocked my glasses off the nightstand and stepped on them practically simultaneously. I didn’t really think anything of it until after waking up and putting on said glasses and trying to walk around. My right eye was all wonky, so I went to rub the sleep out and check to see if the lens was clean. It wasn’t even there. Also, difficult to find on my floor, which is covered with laundry, and difficult to replace without glasses.

    I have also had a most wonderful week of car repair, house oil fuel tank leak/repair/replacement, and fridge/freezer dying. It’s been a fun week of too much adulthood.

  63. I’d like to point out that, after knowing you THIS many years…his parents should just be happy that this was all that happened. I mean…come on.

  64. Because you are now watermarking your images (did you before? I don’t have glasses so I can’t remember) I now want to steal the picture of your glasses and make a really boring post about them, just to make you laugh, if you could read it… I imagine someone finally screwed you proper and you can read again?

  65. I don’t care what anyone says. I can’t hear without my glasses either, Jenny. πŸ™‚

  66. I have done this so often you’d think my floors would be littered with teeny, tiny little fucking screws. a small safety pin works, sorta…..

  67. Did you know there’s a tiny kit you can buy for a couple bucks that has extra screws, a tiny screwdriver and a magnifying glass so you can put your glasses back together and avoid travesties such as this?

    Wait…I shouldn’t have told you that. It’s probably a total slap in the face to you and your entire week. Maybe the rest of the week will turn around, and then it will be similar to how now you know about the tiny glasses kit.

    This is one of those times where the tiny taxidermied animals could come in handy if they were alive…and capable of being trained…and had fine tuned motor skills.

  68. I’ve lost the screws to my glasses and screamed in frustration after finding the screw. I’ve not screamed in front of the in-laws, but I’m fairly certain it’s only because I never lost the screw to my glasses when they were there. I hope your week gets better.

  69. The tiniest smear of loctite (probably typo’d that) will hold that screw in FOREVER! Trust me, I used to have that problem all the time, but no longer! Loctite is your friend! You don’t need much, but it will REALLY help!

  70. I just saw this on pinterest and I was all, “Man, she totally could have written it herself,” and then I saw it here and was all, “Man, she totally should have watermarked it so I’d know she wrote it,” and then I remembered that your watermark would probably make the rest unreadable, so then I was all, “Hey, at least she has an identifiable style?” and just enjoyed it for what it is.

    Also, fuck those little screws.

  71. As a glasses wearer, I can confirm you can’t hear properly if you don’t have your glasses on.

  72. Sad as it may sound, your description of your great glasses screw crisis is more exciting than my entire week. Week hell, my entire month even.

  73. Of course glasses help you hear better. Same thing as turning down the radio in the car helps you when you are searching for an address.

  74. Yep, been there. On a particularly bad I day I wish I could get away with stabbing people in the eye with the broken arm when they find it hilarious at how closely my nose has to be too the floor to find the damn screw.

    Another not so equal analogy in my house – the keys are somewhere safe but I have no idea where safe is. Probably the same place that Hubby’s baseball cap is, his spare watch oh and lets not forget his spare snooker cue.

  75. This was funny. I actually just realized how much it must suck when you are farsighted to try to see while fixing your own glasses!

  76. I’m sorry about your bad week, but I admit I lol’d. Been there, done that.

  77. So glad I’m not the only one that can’t hear when I have my glasses on. I always say that when I am forced to wear my coke bottles to work. My vision is just fine with my glasses, but I just can’t hear as well with them on as when I’m wearing my contacts.

  78. Don’t feel bad, I can’t hear without my glasses either. Wishing you a better week ahead!

  79. Most of what I say comes out sounding terribly wrong. I just like to pretend I’m the only one with the dirty mind, and nobody else gets it.

    Sometimes I get lucky but most of the times I don’t.

  80. I can still hear without my glasses. I can’t concentrate. I only need my glasses for far vision and while I”m at work, they generally rest on top of my head, usually at an angle. Sometimes I take them off and leave them somewhere. And then as I’m trying to see a patient (yup, I’m a doctor), I realize I am having trouble thinking clearly. And it’s not until I find my glasses can I think clear again. I am convinced my glasses are the source of all my power.

  81. When I was a kid I didn’t understand when the glasses repair kits sold by the cashier had a little magnifying glass in them. Then my vision changed and the screw fell out, but then I didn’t understand why the magnifying glass was so fucking small. Also how could I hold the magnifying glass with my teeth while I held the glasses in one hand and the screwdriver in the other. I didn’t have anyone to yell for, so I just cussed and eventually went outside to find assistance. And the inability to hear without glasses happens to me too.

    I’m guessing Victor doesn’t wear glasses or he would understand.

  82. I applaud your self-restraint in refraining from also yelling “Fuck!” “Fucking!” and “Fuck off!” in that situation, with your in-laws listening in. In related news, duct tape comes in handy for temporary attachment of glasses parts whilst you search for missing screws. In further related news, I just want to confirm I do actually get metaphoric blog parables…sometimes.

  83. My grandfather really couldn’t hear when he wasn’t wearing his glasses. They were these odd 1980’s numbers with a hearing aide attached. It was hilarious when he would say, “I can’t hear you, I have to put my glasses on.”

  84. Sorry to laugh at your dilemma but that’s hilarious! I’m sure that your in-laws have heard much worse and, quite frankly, if they’re not used to your charming quirks by now, they never will be.

  85. Mebbe you should just be thankful you didn’t get up to turn on a light so you could see better, stub your toe on the corner of a bedside table, throw the nearest thing within reach which just happened to be your brand new phone. Could always be worse. Stay away from the window!

  86. At least Victor didn’t smile and say, “It’s not about the screw. Tell me how you FEEL.”

    Then again, I tell my computer/close work bifocals from my Driving/TV bifocals because the second one lost the screw that holds the left nosepiece on, and has a tiny piece of a staple that I snipped off to form an eentsy teentsy “L” shape in its place. Why I need two separate pairs of bifocals is left as an exercise for the reader.

  87. The “solution” is to put your glasses in the case, but leave part of one ear support out just a bit so it smashes in the lips of the case thereby bending the frames and permanently trapping that screw that won’t stay in as part of your glasses. Your clear vision is compromised, but you’ll never lose that damn screw again! πŸ™‚ So glad to see I’m not the only one…

  88. The next time I feel like the world is ganging up on me I’m just going to scream “CHRIST, WON’T SOMEONE HELP ME WITH THIS SCREW!” With any luck it’ll just reduce me to wheezy old-man laughter the way that this post did.

  89. Chiming in to say : I love the term “Catch 20-20”, and that glasses DO help you hear better because without them you aren’t concentrating on what people are saying but are concentrating on figuring out who the hell they are. I can’t hear for shit without my glasses – I’m too busy cursing genetics and the NEED for glasses. It’s totally science.

  90. And so, in a brilliant way to make us all understand blindness you use a dark background with white type – genius!

    This has happened to me while I was driving. Not reading this. Not the whole thing, but the screw popping out and glasses coming apart, yes. I was driving down the highway. It was no fun.

  91. PS: Those little kits are great BUT I end up losing all of those screws too because it’s too hard to put the screw in the hole while half blind!

  92. Me too….I’m actually in the process of trying to wean off of Zoloft as my husband and I are going to start trying for a lil’ human. Thanks to tort lawyers and their class action commercials, coupled with my anxiety, I am convinced my child will be plagued with birth defects if I don’t get off it ASAP. My point is, this entire week has been filled with self conversations all ending with “because wine.” This morning I had to ask my husband for the rum slush recipe (we have a summer party pot luck) and he said, “I already told you what you need.” This of course had me replying with “Jesus Christ” and bursting into tears:( *sigh

  93. Many years ago, I was out to dinner with friends. I suddenly lost all vision in my left eye, and shouted out (quite loudly, carrying across this fancy restaurant): “I think I just had a stroke!” Turns out that damn screw gave out in a rather spectacular fashion, and with that sudden release of tension the lens flew across the table and landed on someone else’s plate.

  94. The next time someone asks me “How are you?” I’m just going to pull this post up on my phone and hold it in front of their face. Happy Friday!

  95. Been there…done that. Trust me; it’s a thousand times worse when you’re driving about 20 miles from your house and the lens decides to pop out because the screw is no longer there to hold the frames together.

    ^_^ Now I have plastic. No fuss…no muss and they’re cute! Yay!

  96. I did a dramatic reading of this to my parents. It was Awesome. My parents were laughing so hard they were crying.
    Sorry it has been that kind of week for you but thank you for making it into such an amusing story!

  97. I once spent nearly a month with a safety pin holding my glasses together because of this. It was very punk rock, and the cute boy at my favorite coffee shop hit on me over it. All because of a tiny screw. We’ve all been there, honey!

  98. I also can’t hear without my glasses. Those of you with perfect 20/20 can be quiet now. To help you find the screw, stick a toothpick (round not flat) where the screw usually goes (when it’s not on the floor hiding or impersonating a grape vine attachment). You can then look for the screw or just break off the toothpick and use your glasses as is. The stem won’t fold down so be careful not to stick yourself in the eye–a toothpick CAN’T fix that.

  99. Those tiny screws are evil. I had a hissy fit, yelling “For fucks sake, I can’t get it in the hole!” … Aaaand surprise! Help (wide-eyed and wondering wtf) came running from across the house.

  100. Yes.

    That’s all I can say is yes. I know exactly what you are talking about. I pictured myself in that scenario as I read it.

  101. I saved this image to my harddrive because once I thought of trying to find a window to jump out of AFTER stabbing myself in the face and WITHOUT my glasses, I realized that I’d probably just wind up stuck to a wall or tangled in curtains or falling into the oven or something.

    So at least fix your glasses before doing any of the above because if there’s anything worse than jumping out of a window, it’s *failing* at jumping out of a window yet still becoming horribly mangled. Because really, who fails at falling?

  102. I hate those stupid screws. I’m pretty sure they were invented by Satan. To get us to screw inappropriate-sounding things and then stab ourselves in the faces before jumping out the window.

  103. Wait, you only have one pair of glasses? I think I have about six pair. You know, just in case! πŸ™‚

  104. OMG!!! Now you have Opera Glasses!!! This is where all those paperclips that have accumulated on the bottom of your “junk” ( I have several”) comes in handy!!! Who needs that stinkin little screw that they put in the glasses just to screw with you if you lose it!!! It must the Super Moon, that is just creating Shittiness all over the World!!!! Good news is its the weekend, time for WINE SLUSHIES and your Cats have now been gainfully employed in the I’m confused book pile! The Thingy from the grapes last week was probably Ferris Meullers toy, put it back and SCREW vacuuming!

  105. OMG!!! Now you have Opera Glasses!!! This is where all those paperclips that have accumulated on the bottom of your “junk” ( I have several”) comes in handy!!! Who needs that stinkin little screw that they put in the glasses just to screw with you if you lose it!!! It must the Super Moon, that is just creating Shittiness all over the World!!!! Good news is its the weekend, time for WINE SLUSHIES and your Cats have now been gainfully employed in the I’m confused book pile! The Thingy from the grapes last week was probably Ferris Meullers toy, put it back and SCREW vacuuming!

  106. I want some of these people who say you should have multiple pairs of glasses around “just in case” to fund an extra pair or two for me. They obviously have money to burn… or eyesight much, much better than mine.

  107. You only dropped the screw twice and you found it? i don’t know about most folks but once that screw is out it isn’t ever going back in. Every time you find it is just false hope until it’s dropped again.

  108. Not sure if someone else already mentioned it but, try using a magnet next time to find the screw.

  109. I probably have a dozen fix-it-yourself kit for glasses from the dollar store, but when I loose a screw I can never seem find one of those little fuckers either.

  110. Oh come on, if your in-laws are still flustered by what comes out of your mouth then they haven’t really been paying attention now have they? This situation calls for a bigger screw, a bigger hole, and a lot more people to help.

  111. My week went well, but ended on a sour note. My co-worker’s baby decided to throw up on me. Blech. When I get home it will be shower, wine and some kind of delivery/takeout.

  112. I’ll have you know it’s (almost) a scientific fact that if you can’t see because your glasses or broken or your contacts are out or lost then you can’t hear. Just ask my husband. He’ll tell you that without my “eyes” I can’t hear worth a damn.

  113. That little screw?
    It got bigger, WAY BIGGER… and it wound up in my backside, Jenny.
    Hang in there, you’re still rich, famous, powerful and damn good lookin’…

  114. I got to spend all day wearing my sun-glasses since I left my regular glasses in the car. I was sure everyone thought I was hung over or trying to hide a black eye. So I spent the whole day taking off the sunglasses to look at people, but then all I could do was squint. In the morning I felt cool like Corey Hart, but by the end of the day I felt more like Annie Sullivan trying to teach Helen Keller to communicate at the beginning of Miracle Worker.

  115. Jenny, my week has been that way too. The whole year, really. I’m fighting depression and wondering if, after feeling better yesterday and then feeling worse today, it really does get better? It feels impossible right now, but I know that depression lies. I guess I was just wondering if anyone could relate. I love your work, it helps me cope!

  116. This has been a crappy week for me. The only thing that cheered me up was reading about getting the mummified bat in your book. Suddenly, mummified bat! But this cheered me too, in really wrongly awesome way. So I’m sharing. Exploding actresses. Yep.

    http://explodingactresses.tumblr.com/

  117. You should just get new glasses. And by that I mean to say that I am living vicariously through you because I recently got new reading glasses for the first time in like 100 years, only to discover the very next day (seriously) that they are completely out of style now and probably that’s why the frames were so cheap.

  118. I’m pretty sure you just wrote my entire life story. Only I haven’t yet stabbed my face. Yet. But I have jumped out of a few windows…

  119. I’m so sending this to my husband. He came in the house today with a paperclip shoved in the hole where the screw goes. Also, my mom called me one morning to come find her glasses which she had knocked off her nightstand and couldn’t find. It happened around 5:00 but she waited until a more decent time to call me. She was very annoyed because she couldn’t hear a damn thing.

  120. hm, the biggest problem I have with my glasses is when I watch TV and read a book at the same time. I have to take my glasses off to read and put them back on to see the TV… and how come when one is dealt the crazy card, you can’t put it back in the deck? I had a rotten childhood so now that my kids have left the nest and i am alone
    I do things to have joy, run through sprinklers, hula hoop.. but i am a 1096 (mentally ill) in police terms, so everything I do is because I am crazy.. god it gets old.

  121. Same with dropping a contact…you’re looking for a tiny, see-through thing that you know you can only see when you have that tiny see-through thing IN YOUR EYE. And when you finally find it, sticky and dry and covered with bathmat fuzz and cat hair, the relief, oh the sweet relief!

  122. I bought glasses with interchangeable temples this year. Great idea right? 3 pairs of glasses for the price of one. But to change the temples, you need to be able to see!! I had to keep my old glasses in the case with the replacement temples. Makes for a kind of bulky purse.

  123. I’m really sorry.

    Also I kinda wish your blog had a share button, because this was Exactly how my week went as well.

  124. You would think with all of today’s technology someone somewhere would fix this problem and make better glasses. Imagine all the time we’d save!

  125. It seems as if the Universe has had way too many of us bent over a barrel and is doing things to us that are illegal in quite a number of states (or at least used to be). *pulls up chair* *hugs you in sympathy* It has indeed been the Week From Hell; Mercury is retrograde until July 20; and I have never been so brokeass in my entire life. Screw wine; we’re going for the hard stuff this week…. (Well, OK, maybe a wine slushy would be a better idea than slamming back whiskey…

    Been there, done that with the glasses screw, trying to fix the damn thing, and not being able to hear w/out glasses or contacts (because I’m partly deaf anyway, and I really kind of need to see your lips move to know exactly what you’re saying). Anyway, hang in there, OK?

  126. If I had a husband, I would take the glasses and screw to him and say “Please fix this. I can’t see to do it.” I believe that is what they are for (husbands I mean). A person can’t screw their own glasses back together. It is physically impossible. Like sticking your elbow in your ear. Not going to happen.

  127. For this exact reason, I bought several of those little eyeglass repair kits at the dollar store and I have them stored in prominent places in my house. I also have one in my purse. You get a tiny screw driver and a set of spare screws in a little tube.
    I also keep all my old pairs of glasses and have a pair stashed here and there for the same reason. If you lose your glasses, you can’t see well enough to find your glasses.

    Yes, I was a girl scout and our motto was Be Prepared.

  128. For those of you having a weird week–Mercury is in Retrograde til July 20 so be prepared for all kinds of weird shit going on.

  129. Oh and one more thing–if you have a little screw in your glasses that is prone to coming out–put a drop of clear nail polish on the head of the screw and it will stay in, but if you need to unscrew it for some reason you can break the seal.

    I had no idea I had so much to say about this subject—but I guess I do.

  130. Once I was shopping in a department store with a friend when I lost a screw from my glasses. As we were scrambling about on the floor a man stopped and inquired, “What are you looking for?”
    I just bit my tongue in time before answering. But my friend and I began laughing hysterically. We scared him away.

  131. I never did believe my wife couldn’t hear me without her glasses on before now.

  132. I love you. Not in a weird way, but more like in a “wow, that’s how my life is” kind of way. You complete me.

  133. Yes, been there, done that, many many times. There must be a better way. Someone who’s enterprising should work on that.

  134. What does he mean – glasses don’t help you hear? They are absolutely for lip-reading between the lines.

  135. So… it’s okay for him to have called you an, “idiot” but not okay to help you fix a problem with your screwing in front of (whotfcares)? Love you both to pieces but, seriously, V, step it up!

  136. A few months ago I noticed that a co-worker was using a grape stem to hold his glasses together. For weeks. And weeks. I finally brought in one of those eyeglass repair kits and fixed it myself because I couldn’t take it anymore. Does that make me the crazy one?

  137. My husband went skiing while I stayed in the condo once. He face-planted and broke his glasses and lost both lenses. His vision was 20/1000. He felt around and found all the pieces, skied down to the aid station by holding one lens in front of his eye and came back to the condo with nerdy white tape holding his glasses together. Since then he had lasik. My new glasses are held together with little pieces of fishing line. I don’t know if that is better or not.

    Next time, and we all know there will be a “next time”, repair your glasses over a cookie sheet. And I can’t “wine” because “Xanax” is the word in my life as I get my parents settled in assisted living.

  138. I am an optician. Yesterday a guy I’ve never met came in my store and said, “I need a screw,” to which I replied, “Can we at least have dinner and a movie first?” Luckily my boss didn’t hear me.

  139. I had that week! Only, instead of breaking my glasses, I dislocated my jaw on a bagel. True story. It’s actually linked at the bottom of this comment, ironically.

    I spent a couple days trying to tell people I actually took a hoof to the jaw while saving a tiny tiny infant from a unicorn stampede. But then I decided that sounded too practical and not at all unique and the truth is far less believable and therefore the much better story.

  140. I once had a pair of ‘rimless’ glasses that were held in place with a clear plastic loop. My lenses are very thick (my contact lens prescription is -9.5). One popped out wile I was on a business trip, and I spent about two hours in my hotel, trying to work it back in. I’m functionally blind without my glasses. I can’t read, I can’t recognize faces unless it is someone very close to me, and I certainly can’t give a paper in front of 300 people without them.

  141. I completely misunderstood what Buffalo wings are until I was well into my twenties. I was always too embarrassed to ask why I had never seen these alleged wings. I have never told anyone this because it is completely humiliating.

  142. I once drove 700 miles with my glasses all crooked and falling off half of my face because, the night before, I had fallen asleep on my back with my glasses resting on my chest. When I got up the next morning, the glasses fell to the floor; I stepped on them and snapped off one of the ear pieces before realizing what was going on.

    I got strange looks when I had to stop for gas.

  143. This is exactly why I wear contacts! You also get to say ‘sorry, I think there’s something under my contact’ to get out of boring conversations.

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: