A series of text messages I got from a completely random number:
them: Do I need all of these corpses?
me: Is this my father?
me: No. I think you have the wrong number.
me: But wait…why DO you have so many corpses?
them: Why did you assume I was your father?
me: It’s sort of a long story.
me: Well. Good luck to you then.
them: You too.
215 thoughts on “I guess it depends on what you’re using them for.”
Read comments below or add one.
Wow. Yes. It does depend. Though the mind, it does boggle. xox
Who DOESN’T need corpses? 🙂
Oh, this is priceless.
Love it! I do hope you were talking about non-humans. Sort of.
OMG…you are a magnet for crazy scenarios. I love it!
Only in Texas.
And it was awesome.
And of course none of use finds this strange in the least…
This is fabulous. The wrong number for me is always someone looking for Carlos. He was so popular when he had my phone number…
how do these types of things actually happen to people?
This is so awesome. I can’t totally picture it!
Only you could have this conversation via text with a complete stranger. Well done!
LMBO! That is hysterical!!! Love it! LOVE!
HA HA HA! You know sometimes there is a run on corpses…at least that is what Ted Bundy would say! 😉
It’s a long story, but a good one nevertheless.
This happens all the time here in Jersey.
I love your life! Well in the non creepy way.
Jennie, you have to call these people back. I need to know about the many corpses. COME ON. Mosquitos? Possums? Is he from the university body farm? A researcher for CSI? Or maybe he didn’t mean “corpses” but something like “harpsichords” and autocorrect betrayed him into sounding like a serial killer. At the very least could you forward me the phone number? I would report back. Swear.
amazing that a crazy wrong number text would find someone just as crazy, love it
I was really hoping your title would have come up; that would have been my ideal first response to:
“Do I need all of these corpses?”
“I guess it depends; what are you using them for?”
Just a normal day in the world of Jenny.
So, either you were texting with someone who had as interesting a childhood as you did or you were texting with a serial killer’s associate. Either way, pretty cool. 🙂
Could you pass along the number? I have an awesome idea for a Christmas nativity scene that I think he could help with.
That message couldn’t have come to a more appropriate wrong number.
maybe autocorrect changed it from the original ‘corpuscles’. I often wonder whether I need so many of those.
I love that the person sent you of all people a text about corpses… That is just too funny. That seems like some sort of cosmic meddling…
Did you reverse directory the number? Just in case?
my last wrong number asked if I had enough water balloons. If they hadn’t been texting from California, I might have said no to see what happened next.
Never thought of words “need” and “corpses” in the same scenario. NEED??
**picturing Hyperbole and a Half girl with her arms raised high screaming ALL THE CORPSES**
I’m kind of hoping that there’s a book out about their story too.
This is awesome 😀 And only you would get those kind of random text messages.
The sad part of this is probably that it was really her auto-correct that typed out corpses. What she was really typing was corsets. Because really, when you are in need of a corset, it’s unlikely that just one will do the job. So either way, she probably does, in fact, need ALL the corsets. I mean, heck, what do ya do when one is dirty?
The more important question is was it a SHE who was in need of corsets? Because “they” could have also possibly been a “he”, not a “she”. And, then this becomes a far crazier question……what would a “he” need a single corset, much less multiple corpses…….. OUCH, my head hurts now.
I know I’m always running out of corpses these days. A good supplier is hard to find in this zombie obsessed age…
Hey, at least you’ve got someone in your life who’s your go-to when the subject of surplus corpses comes up. Me, I can’t think of anyone who’d immediately come to mind. I’d probably have to ask for help on Twitter.
Why can’t I get random texts like this? I would love to hear their story.
I’m going with . . . autocorrect and a lot of extra COREOPSIS after some spring gardening.
Why didn’t you say “Are you my mummy?”
Again, I’m laughing out loud. I don’t laugh a lot.
I always want to keep in touch with wrong number texts. Somehow it’s kind of a bonding experience.
Whoa. Just whoa.
I hate unfinished stories.
Best. Text Exchange. Ever.
The suspense is killing me. What kind of corpses were they? Who’s Larry? How does he know whether the guy needs all those corpses. Neil Gaiman needs to finish this story.
OMG, bahahahahahahah! Of course, I didn’t think twice when you asked if it was your father. 🙂
I think this is a thing people randomly do as a prank. I have a friend who once got a text kinda like this one.
Still… this convo beats the random, wrong number text I got once. A dude who wanted to remind (no me) to bring some booze along with the porn, because it was going to be a wild night.
I got a big ‘Oh F*ck, I’m sorry. This is awkward’ when I told him he got the wrong number XD
Ok, that made my day!
The kind of accidental text message conversation I’ve dreamed of..
Of course you of all people would be the one they send a text like that to. And I love the fact that the first person you thought of was your father. Now I’m curious, how many corpses does one have to acquire before they ask someone if they need all of them? Four? 32?
…I think you might have found your new best friend…
Awww…you just made me all nostalgic for Tony Soprano, and sad that Mr. Gandofini is gone. You also won BADASS conversationalist of the week. Hands down.
That is just… BEAUTIFUL. Oh, Universe, bringing people together for a significant moment in time… you are fun.
You should have asked how many they had, then said to get 10 more! LOL Or asked for pictures. Or not. I’m thinking that Victor probably had something seriously funny to say about it! So funny!
I once received a random photo of someone’s mom drinking a giant martini, with a caption that read, “Mom’s first (and probably last) martini” to which I responded, “Go, MOM!” and received an LOL in reply. I still don’t know if they figured out I don’t know them.
I love the fact that you assumed it was your father. Who else would have surplus corpses?
Good luck indeed.
I have a feeling there’s never enough corpses for your Daddy.
I need to call my dad. His name is Larry and now I’m kinda worried.
This sounds suspiciously like an excerpt from next week’s episode of “Under the Dome”.
It’s probably from a video game. XCOM: Enemy Unknown.
Maybe Victor was messing with you?
At first i TOTALLY thought “them” was you. You seem like you would be the one asking about the corpses. Like father like daughter, I guess?
Could have been a very slack employee at a funeral home or the coroner’s office. They’d have plenty of corpses and if the employee was lazy they’d probably text their supervisor to see if they really needed ALL the corpses or if maybe they could just get rid of some of them.
I love this because wine.
I’m laughing because you either called a mob body disposer guy or the guy that sells the body parts from dead homeless people ‘daddy’!!!!
How did you resist the urge to ask for more details of the story? Unless that would make you an accessory after the fact? …Like a hat…but not…just an accessory. Sorry my mind just started wander…
Only in this Universe could this happen to you. I needed a good laugh today.
I love that he knows that he needs corpses, he’s just questioning the amount.
Then answer is always, yes, yes you do need all of these corpses. It worries me that there are so many people out there that need constant reassurances about their corpses.
wow, amazing. Although, it could just be a really clever yet also creepy fan.
Comment #6, I totally agree! 🙂 The universe always conspires for all random, crazy, weird, shit to fall from somewhere! 😀
I drink to that!
This person dodged your question…better watch out.
Hahaha… Why was I not surprised when you said “But wait…why DO you have so many corpses?”
Well, this explains some things! 😀
seriously how much does fate need to push you? This guy is obviously one of your new best friends. You just don’t know it yet.
I’m not sure I could have ended the conversation! That was majorly intriguing! Now I want to know. Throw me that number that texted you! HAHAHA!
LOL. Omg, I love this so much and yet I am entirely creeped out for you. Love you!!! Be safe!!! Feel free to call on all us loyal fans if you get in trouble and need help.
So, you saved the number, right?
That’s awesome. And scary. But mostly awesome.
LOL. Seriously. I have a headache and this made me LOL, as the kids say. (My son tells me the kids do not say LOL anymore. Only lame moms says LOL.)
One month, I repeatedly got phone calls from the manager of a local strip club leaving me voicemails asking me to if I could cover a shift. They obviously had my number listed for one of their working girls. Had these phone calls not continually interrupted my sleep, it would have simply been amusing. When the funny wore off, I called them back and informed them that I was not a stripper…that I was 5’5″ and weighed 200 lbs…and that if they called me again, I WOULD be coming in to work. Funny, I never got another call.
Reading posts like this sis so much better now that I’ve read your book and have a better understanding of your family life, lol. You have the best conversations with strangers! I’m jealous.
lol! That should cause some head scratching at the NSA!!!
Wow. Only you, what hilarious randomness! Hooray for random hilarity!
Jenny wins the internet again. Could you please promise this person a copy of your book and whatever extra random dead thing you have lying around to come forward with his story to share with us?
Well, that’s super awkward! It’d be even more awkward if they read your blog. xD
Being a student of medicine, when I hear ‘corpse’, I’m reminded of ‘Anatomy classes’. Those buggers still terrorize me in my nightmares… Not the corpses, the classes.
I found your blog only recently (yeah, I’m always a late bloomer!) and while I’m not good at making other people laugh (if not unintentionally), I always enjoy a good laugh. Thank you.
Just bought your book. I get it.
My theory is that Magnus Muhr got a new assistant. A befuddled new assistant.
Corpses is like a theme for me this week. Thank you for staying on theme!
Although in my case it was because it is so hot outside I have given the family instructions: In the event my death should occur before October I wish to be put in my tub and put on ice. Because it’s too hot outside, even for my corpse.”
The number of mistaken emails I receive is ridiculous. And I too often respond to them… just because it’s fun.
only you Jenny, only you.
I’d be willing to wait for the long story about that one! 8D
Omg. I’m going to start answering all wrong numbers with “daddy?” Just for fun. Is it more disturbing that this wasn’t accidental wrong number sexting? I’m honestly not sure which would be worse.
Maybe the texts are from a future you….maybe in the future you are traveling with the Doctor, and you text your past self about corpses. You’ll probably totally understand it when you get there. Probably.
How awesome would it had been when you asked “But wait…why DO you have so many corpses?” that his answer had been “Because wine.”
I really need to engage in conversation with strangers more often.
I love this and it reminds me of what hubby says to solicitors on the phone (yes, we are on the fu*king “no” call list): “it’s done. but, there’s blood everywhere.” this usually results in them saying, “uh, uh, uh. excuse me?” and then hubby says, “wait. who is this?” and then they usually hang up. I tell him not to do this because every time I open the door I just know it’s gonna be the FBI.
Why does nobody text me asking if it’s too many corpses?!?!
The world is so unfair.
I’d have asked them if they needed help hiding the bodies. 😀
To be fair, it’s a good question. I mean, one can only have so many corpses before they just take up all the space.
The most awesome wrong-number text-conversation ever!!!
I love text threads in which both parties are confused and end up pondering whether or not they should call the police. That almost never happens. Winners!
It must be weird text day. My friend texted me about stepping on a nail and what would happen if the foot to amputated.
I think this is the plot of your first novel…
There couldn’t have been a righter wrong number for you!
this kind of shit NEVER happens to me! Why????
See, this text wouldn’t faze me at all. When people ask me why I don’t park in my garage, I tell them it is because it is full of zombies, bodies and skeletons. I would have most likely responded with something along the lines of “you need as many as you have room for.” Of course, my conversation wouldn’t have been as much fun :).
That’s pretty awesome. Seems like a good way to spice up the day.
“Daddy?” that’s too funny. Why did they have so many corpses. Inquiring minds want to know.
Awww a kindred spirit!..
It was a great way to start the day; it restored a little of my hope for America! And such a beautiful video Jenny, thank for sharing it!
Why is it you get the cool wrong numbers and I only get creditors for some loser who had my phone number before?
never try to out-prank a prankster.
Interesting game of ‘you show me yours’ you got going there.
Why the hell don’t I ever get messages like that???? Most excellent text ever.
He was totally trying to pick you up. I can’t believe you didn’t go for it. You know, just out of curiosity. About the corpses.
Wow…and I thought my text messages were out of the ordinary…
You could always fall back on that “2 is a party, 3 is a crowd” rule. Or “how many corpses does it take to screw in a light bulb?”. Then again it might be an Ed Gein situation…
My wife and I love you, Jenny, but I refuse to believe you were lucky enough to get this as a random text. This is just to awesome to be true.
This had to happen because you can’t make stuff like this up.
Have I mentioned lately how much I adore you? Thank you for making me smile as usual! xoxox
I just love the idea that something completely random comes along, and your FIRST response is “Daddy?”
Oh man, this was awesome. I had to show my husband because he always gets random calls and texts and responds back.
Never had that happen but I found a new best friend one time. We don’t text anymore though.
I’m pretty sure this exchange right here is why the government is monitoring our calls and texts.
I’d look for a surveillance van outside your house right about now. It will probably be hiding in the carcass of an animal, just to deter suspicion.
connecting with the Zombies!!
I hope they were also into taxidermy.
You gotta be fuckin kiddin me. I am no statistician, so I’m not sure what the actual odds are of you catching this particular random wrong number text….But dearlordbabyjesus does it make for a great blog post!
This was so funny had a good giggle on the train thank you what a way to end the day for me
I love this! Too funny!
Reminds me of my friend who would often overhear her tenant on phone calls saying things like, “Oh I’d definitely use a crowbar for that” or “No, no, only after midnight” or “Yeah, Dave can get that open.” She was quite sure he was some sort of criminal, dispatching advice to all his cohorts…but I’m sure there must be a perfectly reasonable explanation for those comments. Right?
I think this falls under the umbrella of whether your glass is empty or half full. Of corpses.
All I ever got were guys texting me looking for a prostitute. I was not a prostitute.
At least you had the courtesy of answering.
Imagine if you left them hanging … with all the corpses. Corpsi? Corpseges?
Ya know, you get the coolest “wrong number” scenarios. All I get is people in other States convinced I’m crazy. I ask you, since when does answering a number you don’ recognize with, “STOP STALKING ME!” make a person think a chick is crazy?
Only you wouldn’t be bothered by this text message. Most people would note the number and call the police ASAP. You, you ask if it’s your dad. I didn’t think I could love you more than I already did. I was wrong.
(Next book that is similar in style to LPTNH, please have a chapter on text messages. Gracias)
You just can’t help yourself being a magnet for the strange and ridiculous my sweet and we thank you for it xxxxxx
There’s no such thing as too many corpses, of couse u need them all…
Your week has been more exciting than mine…Getting a dead bat, and.then having a txt conversation with a possible serial killer. *sigh* Thats the life…
Even your wrong number conversations are amazing! I *would* like to know what all the corpses were for….
George R. R. Martin has not got the hang of sexting yet.
Thank you for making me smile with my coffee 🙂 You are the best.
Nice… Needed this gem to start my day.
HAhahahaha oh my gosh i needed this this morning 🙂 thank you kindly.
I (and apparently some of your other readers) need to know why they have corpses! You can make this happen.
I could only hope to be this lucky with a wrong number. One day…
I swear I just witnessed the making of a new “Kleenex”commercial for Father’s Day!
After that exchange you didn’t have a sudden urge to call your dad or go home for a weekend visit??
Seeing a dirty Buick station wagon pass me on the interstate with bad words written into the dust
can give me a sudden need to talk to MY dad. 😉
I think next time that happens to me, I’m going to say, “This is Jake from State Farm”. Not nearly as interesting at yours though. 🙂
I really hope that guy finds this someday, and realizes he was texting an internet celebrity.
Greatest. Wrong number. Ever.
I’m glad you made a friend! My wrong number texts just get mad and curse at me when I toy with them.
This is why texting is so great! You never would have gotten that much info out of a phone call. It would have been wrong number out of the gate. I can only hope this person worked in a funeral home or the medical examiners office.
Of course you are the one who got this text. Of course.
OMG – you are just tooooo funny 🙂
Only you would get that wrong number 😉
Most awesome wront number text!!
This is pretty much the definition of serendipity.
Wow. This really happened? I hope so badly that it didn’t… And yet, I can’t help but love how appropriate this is for a collector of bad taxidermy.
I’m kinda jealous. The only wrong # text messages I get are trying to get me to repay a loan from someone named Eddie. And frankly, Eddie scares me.
Last week, I texted someone that apparently had my friends old number-we had an exchange back and forth until he realized I was a stranger and called me. I was relieved, because the such at was starting to get a bit cheeky 🙂
After a rough start this morning, I was so very glad to have this crazy post to laugh about. thanks!
I want your life.
Hahahaha! Absolutely hysterical….since I work next to a funeral home and have heard many a story….you’ve got to wonder what’s going on!
That IS a little disturbing. And hilarious at the same time.
OMG, best text exchange ever.
I worked for a movie producer for a while when I was younger. One day, maybe my 1st or 2nd week on the job, when I was the only one in the office, we got a call. The conversation went something like:
Me: “NK’s office, how can I help you?”
Them: “Hi this is Nate from xyz company up in Canada. I just wanted to let you know that I’m very sorry but it seems we’ve lost the body.”
Me: “Uhm… what?”
Them: “The dead body? We can’t find it. We think it got lost somewhere during transport.”
… Turns out it was a prop “dead body” that was used during one of my boss’ projects that was wrapping up. But still… most surreal conversation I think I’ve ever had.
Best random interaction ever. We all need to talk to wrong numbers more often – it makes life fun.
Maybe I should reply to that random text message that I go from Amazon. Yes I really did order that stuff and will be expecting it. I am sure this is not a scam.
Best wrong number conversation EVER.
And, speaking of wrong numbers… http://www.itjustgetsstranger.com/2011/12/snuggie-texts.html
Only you would get that text message. This might be the bar exam review talking, but I’m glad you didn’t participate further or you may have been charged as an accomplice…
On another subject entirely…just got this awesome video, and thought you might like to see it. It touches on a problem we share and the young man speaking is awesome and amazing…meet Kevin Breel…
Sorry about that wrong number. Hope the NSA didn’t catch that.
Best wrong number text conversation EVER.
Although maybe you should have said, “Because this is NYT bestselling author, Jenny Lawson.”
And the mystery texter would have been all, “This whole conversation makes so much more sense.”
Because obviously he/she would know who you are.
I worked at Columbia University for awhile. One woman called and offered her body to science of “experimenting on.”
This would only happen to you !!
This was a whole new level of awesome.
I hope my next wrong number is this funny!
This is brilliant… and completely random. I love it!
This is…. BEST
Maybe it was the same guy who sent you the taxidermied bat. You might want to watch out for oversize book shipments coming to your house over the next little while.
It sound like the beginning of your next book. Talk about a “hook.”
Hilarious! Absolutely hilarious! And disturbing…. Hopefully they were talking about something innocent, because I know I’ve seen too many crime dramas! lol!
The only wrong numbers I get are people looking for the dead beat that had my number before me…i think she owes a lot of money to a lot of people!!!
I once got a text from a random number in the middle of the night, letting me know that they and two other people got shot in a drive-by. The following conversation was disturbingly hilarious. Gladly, nobody died; I followed up a few days later!
Only you, girl…ONLY you.
My went well, but ended on a gross note. A co-worker’s kid just puked on me. Two hours before quitting time. Gotta wear this shirt for awhile.
I never get anything that fun! The last time I got a wrong number text, the person just kept arguing with me, thinking I was some girl who just didn’t want to talk to him. I’m guessing he was partly right as she clearly gave him the wrong number ….
That was probably Aaron Hernandez.
Ohhh, this is great.
Now I just want someone to randomly text me something like that and hope they answer after I do. Haha!
It makes me wonder if it should have applied to ‘Damn You, Autocorrect’.
I started giggling at “Daddy?” and haven’t quit yet. Oh, I do think you’re priceless!
best comment. crying now- tears. i wtfrofl’d
I love everything about this post. Hope they were able to get ahold of Larry quick enough. Corpses don’t keep well if they’re just left out.
Lmao!! Only you, Jenny!!
I have to know… you make all this shit up, right? There’s no way THIS many crazy things can happen to one person… right?
I hope the follow up to this entry includes references to an article “Bloggess nabs serial killer through accidental texting: Becomes US hero”
Crying. Only you!!!
i love you. please get better (hopefully those bastards at the hospital will be good and take out your pesky gall bladder) so you can continue to regale us with tales like this.
This is just AWESOME!! LOLOL
Can you text them back to ask about the long story about the corpses?
I really want to know how they got so many corpses and what they’re going to do with them!
Hey they might get them texidermied and give you one!!
Wouldn’t that be another great story?
I would have loved to see the look on the other person’s face when they got the return texts … What series of events must one’s life contain to lead to the response of “Daddy?” when you get that first text?
I read the book, so I am not so confused by it, but that portrait, that look, I would frame and put on my bathroom wall. The hallway bathroom … to amuse and befuddle my guests. 🙂
I’ll confess: I nearly peed my pants laughing so hard at this.
okay, I REALLY needed that laugh. thanks. <3
as always, you bring happiness and laughter into the world.
Now I’m regretting all potential opportunities I let slip away when the wrong phone number sent me a text. Except I shouldn’t be sad about that because I’m not witty like you and I freeze under pressure so I’d probably just be like, “Oh hi!”….”Gotcha!” and then everyone would be really confused.
This may be the best thing I’ve ever read.
The best laugh I’ve had ALL SUMMER!!!! But really. Why did he have corpses???
Damn. Creepy as hell and funny too. You had me at Daddy. LOL
Thanks. So far Jenny has a perfect record- I peed my pants reading this. Maybe there should be an age limit- I think my bladder is too old for her writing.