I guess it depends on what you’re using them for.

A series of text messages I got from a completely random number:  

them:  Do I need all of these corpses?

me: Daddy?

them:  What?

me: Is this my father?

them:  Larry?

me:  No.  I think you have the wrong number.

Them:  Sorry.

me: But wait…why DO you have so many corpses?

them:  Why did you assume I was your father?

me:  It’s sort of a long story.

them:  Ditto.

me:  Well.  Good luck to you then.

them:  You too.

 

215 thoughts on “I guess it depends on what you’re using them for.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. This is fabulous. The wrong number for me is always someone looking for Carlos. He was so popular when he had my phone number…

  2. Only you could have this conversation via text with a complete stranger. Well done!

  3. Jennie, you have to call these people back. I need to know about the many corpses. COME ON. Mosquitos? Possums? Is he from the university body farm? A researcher for CSI? Or maybe he didn’t mean “corpses” but something like “harpsichords” and autocorrect betrayed him into sounding like a serial killer. At the very least could you forward me the phone number? I would report back. Swear.

  4. I was really hoping your title would have come up; that would have been my ideal first response to:

    “Do I need all of these corpses?”
    “I guess it depends; what are you using them for?”

  5. So, either you were texting with someone who had as interesting a childhood as you did or you were texting with a serial killer’s associate. Either way, pretty cool. 🙂

  6. Could you pass along the number? I have an awesome idea for a Christmas nativity scene that I think he could help with.

  7. maybe autocorrect changed it from the original ‘corpuscles’. I often wonder whether I need so many of those.

  8. I love that the person sent you of all people a text about corpses… That is just too funny. That seems like some sort of cosmic meddling…

  9. my last wrong number asked if I had enough water balloons. If they hadn’t been texting from California, I might have said no to see what happened next.

  10. The sad part of this is probably that it was really her auto-correct that typed out corpses. What she was really typing was corsets. Because really, when you are in need of a corset, it’s unlikely that just one will do the job. So either way, she probably does, in fact, need ALL the corsets. I mean, heck, what do ya do when one is dirty?

    The more important question is was it a SHE who was in need of corsets? Because “they” could have also possibly been a “he”, not a “she”. And, then this becomes a far crazier question……what would a “he” need a single corset, much less multiple corpses…….. OUCH, my head hurts now.

  11. I know I’m always running out of corpses these days. A good supplier is hard to find in this zombie obsessed age…

  12. Hey, at least you’ve got someone in your life who’s your go-to when the subject of surplus corpses comes up. Me, I can’t think of anyone who’d immediately come to mind. I’d probably have to ask for help on Twitter.

  13. The suspense is killing me. What kind of corpses were they? Who’s Larry? How does he know whether the guy needs all those corpses. Neil Gaiman needs to finish this story.

  14. I think this is a thing people randomly do as a prank. I have a friend who once got a text kinda like this one.

    Still… this convo beats the random, wrong number text I got once. A dude who wanted to remind (no me) to bring some booze along with the porn, because it was going to be a wild night.
    I got a big ‘Oh F*ck, I’m sorry. This is awkward’ when I told him he got the wrong number XD

  15. Of course you of all people would be the one they send a text like that to. And I love the fact that the first person you thought of was your father. Now I’m curious, how many corpses does one have to acquire before they ask someone if they need all of them? Four? 32?

  16. Awww…you just made me all nostalgic for Tony Soprano, and sad that Mr. Gandofini is gone. You also won BADASS conversationalist of the week. Hands down.

  17. That is just… BEAUTIFUL. Oh, Universe, bringing people together for a significant moment in time… you are fun.

  18. You should have asked how many they had, then said to get 10 more! LOL Or asked for pictures. Or not. I’m thinking that Victor probably had something seriously funny to say about it! So funny!

  19. I once received a random photo of someone’s mom drinking a giant martini, with a caption that read, “Mom’s first (and probably last) martini” to which I responded, “Go, MOM!” and received an LOL in reply. I still don’t know if they figured out I don’t know them.

  20. I love the fact that you assumed it was your father. Who else would have surplus corpses?

  21. Could have been a very slack employee at a funeral home or the coroner’s office. They’d have plenty of corpses and if the employee was lazy they’d probably text their supervisor to see if they really needed ALL the corpses or if maybe they could just get rid of some of them.

  22. I’m laughing because you either called a mob body disposer guy or the guy that sells the body parts from dead homeless people ‘daddy’!!!!

  23. How did you resist the urge to ask for more details of the story? Unless that would make you an accessory after the fact? …Like a hat…but not…just an accessory. Sorry my mind just started wander…

  24. Then answer is always, yes, yes you do need all of these corpses. It worries me that there are so many people out there that need constant reassurances about their corpses.

  25. Comment #6, I totally agree! 🙂 The universe always conspires for all random, crazy, weird, shit to fall from somewhere! 😀

    I drink to that!

    <3

  26. Hahaha… Why was I not surprised when you said “But wait…why DO you have so many corpses?”

  27. I’m not sure I could have ended the conversation! That was majorly intriguing! Now I want to know. Throw me that number that texted you! HAHAHA!

  28. LOL. Omg, I love this so much and yet I am entirely creeped out for you. Love you!!! Be safe!!! Feel free to call on all us loyal fans if you get in trouble and need help.

  29. LOL. Seriously. I have a headache and this made me LOL, as the kids say. (My son tells me the kids do not say LOL anymore. Only lame moms says LOL.)

  30. One month, I repeatedly got phone calls from the manager of a local strip club leaving me voicemails asking me to if I could cover a shift. They obviously had my number listed for one of their working girls. Had these phone calls not continually interrupted my sleep, it would have simply been amusing. When the funny wore off, I called them back and informed them that I was not a stripper…that I was 5’5″ and weighed 200 lbs…and that if they called me again, I WOULD be coming in to work. Funny, I never got another call.

  31. Reading posts like this sis so much better now that I’ve read your book and have a better understanding of your family life, lol. You have the best conversations with strangers! I’m jealous.

  32. Jenny wins the internet again. Could you please promise this person a copy of your book and whatever extra random dead thing you have lying around to come forward with his story to share with us?

  33. Being a student of medicine, when I hear ‘corpse’, I’m reminded of ‘Anatomy classes’. Those buggers still terrorize me in my nightmares… Not the corpses, the classes.

    I found your blog only recently (yeah, I’m always a late bloomer!) and while I’m not good at making other people laugh (if not unintentionally), I always enjoy a good laugh. Thank you.

  34. Corpses is like a theme for me this week. Thank you for staying on theme!

    Although in my case it was because it is so hot outside I have given the family instructions: In the event my death should occur before October I wish to be put in my tub and put on ice. Because it’s too hot outside, even for my corpse.”

  35. The number of mistaken emails I receive is ridiculous. And I too often respond to them… just because it’s fun.

  36. Omg. I’m going to start answering all wrong numbers with “daddy?” Just for fun. Is it more disturbing that this wasn’t accidental wrong number sexting? I’m honestly not sure which would be worse.

  37. Maybe the texts are from a future you….maybe in the future you are traveling with the Doctor, and you text your past self about corpses. You’ll probably totally understand it when you get there. Probably.

  38. How awesome would it had been when you asked “But wait…why DO you have so many corpses?” that his answer had been “Because wine.”

  39. I love this and it reminds me of what hubby says to solicitors on the phone (yes, we are on the fu*king “no” call list): “it’s done. but, there’s blood everywhere.” this usually results in them saying, “uh, uh, uh. excuse me?” and then hubby says, “wait. who is this?” and then they usually hang up. I tell him not to do this because every time I open the door I just know it’s gonna be the FBI.

  40. To be fair, it’s a good question. I mean, one can only have so many corpses before they just take up all the space.

  41. It must be weird text day. My friend texted me about stepping on a nail and what would happen if the foot to amputated.

  42. See, this text wouldn’t faze me at all. When people ask me why I don’t park in my garage, I tell them it is because it is full of zombies, bodies and skeletons. I would have most likely responded with something along the lines of “you need as many as you have room for.” Of course, my conversation wouldn’t have been as much fun :).

  43. It was a great way to start the day; it restored a little of my hope for America! And such a beautiful video Jenny, thank for sharing it!

  44. You could always fall back on that “2 is a party, 3 is a crowd” rule. Or “how many corpses does it take to screw in a light bulb?”. Then again it might be an Ed Gein situation…

  45. My wife and I love you, Jenny, but I refuse to believe you were lucky enough to get this as a random text. This is just to awesome to be true.

  46. Have I mentioned lately how much I adore you? Thank you for making me smile as usual! xoxox

  47. I’m pretty sure this exchange right here is why the government is monitoring our calls and texts.

    I’d look for a surveillance van outside your house right about now. It will probably be hiding in the carcass of an animal, just to deter suspicion.

  48. You gotta be fuckin kiddin me. I am no statistician, so I’m not sure what the actual odds are of you catching this particular random wrong number text….But dearlordbabyjesus does it make for a great blog post!

  49. I love this! Too funny!

    Reminds me of my friend who would often overhear her tenant on phone calls saying things like, “Oh I’d definitely use a crowbar for that” or “No, no, only after midnight” or “Yeah, Dave can get that open.” She was quite sure he was some sort of criminal, dispatching advice to all his cohorts…but I’m sure there must be a perfectly reasonable explanation for those comments. Right?

  50. All I ever got were guys texting me looking for a prostitute. I was not a prostitute.

  51. At least you had the courtesy of answering.
    Imagine if you left them hanging … with all the corpses. Corpsi? Corpseges?

  52. Ya know, you get the coolest “wrong number” scenarios. All I get is people in other States convinced I’m crazy. I ask you, since when does answering a number you don’ recognize with, “STOP STALKING ME!” make a person think a chick is crazy?
    Exactly!

  53. Only you wouldn’t be bothered by this text message. Most people would note the number and call the police ASAP. You, you ask if it’s your dad. I didn’t think I could love you more than I already did. I was wrong.

    (Next book that is similar in style to LPTNH, please have a chapter on text messages. Gracias)

  54. There’s no such thing as too many corpses, of couse u need them all…

    Your week has been more exciting than mine…Getting a dead bat, and.then having a txt conversation with a possible serial killer. *sigh* Thats the life…

  55. Even your wrong number conversations are amazing! I *would* like to know what all the corpses were for….

  56. I swear I just witnessed the making of a new “Kleenex”commercial for Father’s Day!

    After that exchange you didn’t have a sudden urge to call your dad or go home for a weekend visit??
    Seeing a dirty Buick station wagon pass me on the interstate with bad words written into the dust
    can give me a sudden need to talk to MY dad. 😉

  57. I think next time that happens to me, I’m going to say, “This is Jake from State Farm”. Not nearly as interesting at yours though. 🙂

  58. Greatest. Wrong number. Ever.

    I’m glad you made a friend! My wrong number texts just get mad and curse at me when I toy with them.

  59. This is why texting is so great! You never would have gotten that much info out of a phone call. It would have been wrong number out of the gate. I can only hope this person worked in a funeral home or the medical examiners office.

  60. OMG – you are just tooooo funny 🙂
    Only you would get that wrong number 😉

  61. Wow. This really happened? I hope so badly that it didn’t… And yet, I can’t help but love how appropriate this is for a collector of bad taxidermy.

  62. Last week, I texted someone that apparently had my friends old number-we had an exchange back and forth until he realized I was a stranger and called me. I was relieved, because the such at was starting to get a bit cheeky 🙂

  63. Hahahaha! Absolutely hysterical….since I work next to a funeral home and have heard many a story….you’ve got to wonder what’s going on!

  64. I worked for a movie producer for a while when I was younger. One day, maybe my 1st or 2nd week on the job, when I was the only one in the office, we got a call. The conversation went something like:
    Me: “NK’s office, how can I help you?”
    Them: “Hi this is Nate from xyz company up in Canada. I just wanted to let you know that I’m very sorry but it seems we’ve lost the body.”
    Me: “Uhm… what?”
    Them: “The dead body? We can’t find it. We think it got lost somewhere during transport.”
    Me: “…..”

    … Turns out it was a prop “dead body” that was used during one of my boss’ projects that was wrapping up. But still… most surreal conversation I think I’ve ever had.

  65. Maybe I should reply to that random text message that I go from Amazon. Yes I really did order that stuff and will be expecting it. I am sure this is not a scam.

  66. Only you would get that text message. This might be the bar exam review talking, but I’m glad you didn’t participate further or you may have been charged as an accomplice…

  67. On another subject entirely…just got this awesome video, and thought you might like to see it. It touches on a problem we share and the young man speaking is awesome and amazing…meet Kevin Breel…

  68. Best wrong number text conversation EVER.

    Although maybe you should have said, “Because this is NYT bestselling author, Jenny Lawson.”

    And the mystery texter would have been all, “This whole conversation makes so much more sense.”

    Because obviously he/she would know who you are.

  69. Maybe it was the same guy who sent you the taxidermied bat. You might want to watch out for oversize book shipments coming to your house over the next little while.

  70. Hilarious! Absolutely hilarious! And disturbing…. Hopefully they were talking about something innocent, because I know I’ve seen too many crime dramas! lol!

  71. The only wrong numbers I get are people looking for the dead beat that had my number before me…i think she owes a lot of money to a lot of people!!!

  72. Love it!

    I once got a text from a random number in the middle of the night, letting me know that they and two other people got shot in a drive-by. The following conversation was disturbingly hilarious. Gladly, nobody died; I followed up a few days later!

  73. My went well, but ended on a gross note. A co-worker’s kid just puked on me. Two hours before quitting time. Gotta wear this shirt for awhile.

  74. I never get anything that fun! The last time I got a wrong number text, the person just kept arguing with me, thinking I was some girl who just didn’t want to talk to him. I’m guessing he was partly right as she clearly gave him the wrong number ….

  75. Ohhh, this is great.

    Now I just want someone to randomly text me something like that and hope they answer after I do. Haha!

    It makes me wonder if it should have applied to ‘Damn You, Autocorrect’.

  76. I love everything about this post. Hope they were able to get ahold of Larry quick enough. Corpses don’t keep well if they’re just left out.

  77. I hope the follow up to this entry includes references to an article “Bloggess nabs serial killer through accidental texting: Becomes US hero”

  78. i love you. please get better (hopefully those bastards at the hospital will be good and take out your pesky gall bladder) so you can continue to regale us with tales like this.

  79. This is just AWESOME!! LOLOL

    Can you text them back to ask about the long story about the corpses?
    I really want to know how they got so many corpses and what they’re going to do with them!

    Hey they might get them texidermied and give you one!!
    Wouldn’t that be another great story?

  80. I would have loved to see the look on the other person’s face when they got the return texts … What series of events must one’s life contain to lead to the response of “Daddy?” when you get that first text?

    I read the book, so I am not so confused by it, but that portrait, that look, I would frame and put on my bathroom wall. The hallway bathroom … to amuse and befuddle my guests. 🙂

  81. Now I’m regretting all potential opportunities I let slip away when the wrong phone number sent me a text. Except I shouldn’t be sad about that because I’m not witty like you and I freeze under pressure so I’d probably just be like, “Oh hi!”….”Gotcha!” and then everyone would be really confused.

  82. Thanks. So far Jenny has a perfect record- I peed my pants reading this. Maybe there should be an age limit- I think my bladder is too old for her writing.

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