It’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye to a flying, dead ostrich.

My friend at geekologie just pointed out that now ostriches are flying (which made me happy for them) but then he clarified that they’re only flying if they’re taxidermied and attached to helicopters (which made sort of scared for humanity.)  Granted, it’s kind of awesome in an inspirational “I believe I can fly” sort of way, but it’s also disconcerting because most of us can’t fly a regular remote-controlled helicopter without crashing it, much less lots of remote controlled helicopters carrying a super-unstable, giant dead ostrich, and if things follow the way they do in my house that ostrich is going to end up stranded on the roof with a bunch of old frisbees, best case scenario.  Worst case scenario?  It crashes into a neighbor’s yard and impales an unsuspecting hugging couple, like some sort of fluffy, deadly, cupid’s arrow made of ostrich.  And then neighbors will call 911 to explain that they’re stuck together because they’ve been impaled by a flying dead ostrich and the people who work at 911 will be all “STOP CALLING HERE, DRUNKIE” because no one is taking that shit seriously.

At the very least, someone is going to lose an eye.  Think your actions through, ostrich-fliers.

200 thoughts on “It’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye to a flying, dead ostrich.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I’m very proud of you for not thinking about starting a Kickstarter so you could get one of these for yourself. Damn.

  2. This is awesome.
    Anyone else play Fallout3 and can only think of Gob when someone calls someone else Drunkie? Maybe it’s just me.

  3. I just…huh. And in my head I hear Mr. Carlson saying “As God as my witness, I thought turkeys could fly.”

  4. MY WORST NIGHTMARE!!! I’m terrified of giant birds like ostriches (most especially emus) because they sound like velociraptors. *shudders* Now they can fly… no where is safe!

    Okay, maybe not my WORST nightmare, that would be jellyfish armed with flight, and knives for every tentacle or maybe lasers? That would be my worst nightmare.

    this though, it is close to the top of the list.

  5. I *almost* want to find out what happened during the first test of the “OstrichCopter.” But sort of not, at the same time.

  6. Definitely thinking that the title “It’s All Fun and Games Until Someone Loses an Eye to a Flying, Dead Ostrich” needs to be on a t-shirt. Featuring a flying, dead ostrich.

  7. “Hey Bob, we’ve got this taxidermied ostrich, some toy helicopters and a few hours to kill…whaddya wanna do today?”

  8. Not sure if I am horrified or intrigued….Or horridly intrigued. Either way I am certain that his is what happens when a bored creative mind mixes with science.

  9. Dang girl. That could be an episode of Greys Anatomy (wait, I think it kinda was) – so brilliantly put. People – watch where you fly your ostriches.

  10. Are you still drugged up? Just wondering.

    That would have to be one huge-ass mutherfucking remote-controlled helicopter. Not your average Toys R Us deal for sure. Might need to make it yourself. Buy shit at Hobby Lobby, steal a Black Hawk from your local military base, a few odds and ends from Radio Shack…

    Yeah…people would prob die 🙁

    (Dead sober. Too sober, some might say. Not many…but some. ~ Jenny)

  11. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry (just kidding, I lol’d when I watched the video). I’d probably wet myself if I saw one of those coming at me though!

  12. I was fascinated and horrified at the same time. Is it wrong that I kept waiting for the blades to quit working and the ostrich to plummet down to Earth… preferably in some sick Roadrunner cartoon fashion? This is crazy stuff. Thank you for sharing.

  13. It somehow makes sense to me that the guy flying it has a crew cut. I bet he is an ex-Air Force pilot wannabe.

  14. I love how after a few billion years of evolution it has come to this. Ostrich-copters. THIS is what humanity was meant for. Sometimes I’m inordinately proud of my species.

  15. can that dude with the remote controlled taxidermied cat please use his cat to chase the flying ostrich? or at least race? because otherwise, what’s the point?

  16. I was okay until it started going backwards. It was a little too mutant hummingbird for me. Maybe something that big just can’t be turned around? I am wondering if there will be kits, because my Grandgirlies could certainly use this for the Science Fair.

  17. For the first time in my life…I want an RC vehicle. If they can find a way for it to carpet bomb, using ACTUAL ostrich eggs…I’m in.

  18. I love the fact that you read Geekologie. He’s one of the first bloggers I really followed religiously.
    And I’m with Sue. For some reason WKRP went in my head as you were describing the scenario.

  19. So that’s how the government is gonna camouflage their drones. Clearly nobody is gonna suspect flying ostriches of spying on them.

  20. Oh dearest power in the universe, do not let my son hear about this.

  21. I am honestly not sure what to feel about this. I’m some combination of amused and terrified. Maybe a little intrigued/impressed. Intrerrifmuspressed? Ummm……welll….yeah.

  22. That is just fantastic and disturbing at the same time. Can you imagine looking out your window and seeing that fly past? The neighbor-traumatizing possibilities are endless!

  23. So have you seen the taxidermied dog that converts into a cat? (You’ve probably already posted it here during the weekly wrap-up, but my office firewall blocks most links. I get “WebSense filtered this site for ‘Entertainment'” instead of whatever fun thing you meant for us to check out.) On the off chance you haven’t, here it is:

    http://www.gifbin.com/982946

    Now if they only added a helicopter…

  24. I think that flying a Ostrichcoptor would take much more skill than I possess.

    So I’m going to leave that to the professionals.

    (Also – wow.)

  25. That is the second test so I’m dying to know what happened on the first one.

    It disturbs me that a dead ostrich is flying, but it disturbs me more that now I want one.

  26. I kept thinking the wind from helicopter blades were going to make the ostrich’s feathers come off. Then it would be a NAKED flying ostrich and THAT ladies and gentlemen is something you DON’T want to see!

  27. I see advertising written all over this, or advertisements written all over a flying ostrich. Kind of like the Goodyear blimp, but more like a dead ostrich attached to a helicopter! I get 20% of royalties made off of this, you’re welcome for the idea!!

  28. Now let’s have them do a pig, so that people who said, “when pigs fly” will have to ante up and maybe the world will be a better place.

  29. As long as it’s not a pig flying then it’s fine. If it were a pig flying then I’d have a lot of promises to fulfill.

  30. Raul’s comment above made me spew Diet Coke! ROFL! What concerns me is how this ostrich got taxidermied (sp?) in this flying position. Was it pose-able like a Barbie Doll?

  31. Love Maia’s comment, “The ostrich achieved in death what it couldn’t do in life.” made me lol.
    this video is JUST what I expect from you Mrs. Lawson-terrifyingly hilarious. thanks for making my week!

  32. A giant bird, flying backwards, and humming loudly is the stuff of nightmares. I feel sorry for all the birds, when they see this flying by, because it will blow their little bird-brains.

  33. This just got me thinking. What would it be like of ostriches really did fly? I’m not sure, but I do know that the bird s#$t on the windshield would be crazy.

  34. and the thing that makes my statement funny is that there are not-so-smart people running after it to shot it, cook it, and eat it.

    Then attach the propellers to their barstools/highschairs/swivel charis/etc…so that they could fly.

  35. So, I come home from work, sit down at my computer (like I haven’t been in front of one all day) and see your post. I’m now in some form of shock. I’m thinking shots of Wild Turkey are in order. Just WTF was that? I don’t even know where to begin. It looks like something my husband would want to try but using rockets; lots and lots of rockets. Of course we can’t do that around our home or the damn thing would be blasted out of the sky by a drunk turkey hunter. And we wouldn’t want that to happen because that looks like it was once a pricey ostrich.

  36. The police where I live would not be fazed by flying ostrich calls. “Caller reported at 2:11 a.m. Tuesday that his child was locked in a dungeon behind a couch that you needed and invisible suit to enter. The man later called back to report…he found the child in bed.” (From our newspaper) In the same issue someone reported a bomb that turned out to be “fishing equipment.” At this point if an ostrich landed on me I’d just bring it inside and make it a sandwich.

  37. I just… I don’t know what feelings I’m feeling. I’m so incredibly conflicted about this.

    I think I need a hug.

    Or a martini. A hug from a martini. Perfect.

  38. This sounds like a physics experiment. What large dead mammals can we fly around until the helicopters crash? A hippo? An elephant? A blue whale? Challenge accepted!!!

  39. Why don’t you have one?

    Or maybe a smaller flighteless taxidermined bird helicopter, like a penguin or a kiwi. A kiwi would be cute, right?

  40. this opens a whole new world of things we can make fly. If dead ostriches are able to fly then we should get some dinosaur fossil pterodactyls and make really expensive remote control helicopters. Granted all the scientists will be super upset when you crash but how cool would it look for the five minutes before you waste all of sciences resources?

  41. For cripes sakes. The fact that someone spent the time to actually do this is frightening. Sadly, I know the ostrich far too well since my parents decided that they would ‘get rich’ off the ostrich market back in the late 80’s. You know…cattle of the future…blah blah. The temptation that a ‘breeding pair’ was actually worth $60K! at one time? Well you see their attraction. But this also meant I was expected to be the free child labor in said ostrich farming. Coraling those mean stinky birds and risking my life as I ran away with the adults laid eggs (with mean huge bird chasing me)? I think I was scarred for life. And yet, I also know more than I will ever need to in my lifetime. Like those damn birds kick FORWARD, and hard! (Pretty much imagine a horse kicking you, but it’s leg bends backwards while it kicks, as it’s pecking you at the same time!) Horrifying.

    LOVE your blog. And your book. Love everything about you really…you’re hilarious and awesome. Thank you for making me laugh more times than I can count.
    Nicole (former child ostrich farmer 😉

  42. When will the insanity end? Did we learn nothing from the escalation of Cold War? The ostriches, fearing the air superiority of the other birds start strapping propellers to their backs. Next come the jet powered penguins. Then, before you know it, Beyonce has got a rocket jammed up her (his? I can’t figure that one out. Is it an overly masculine chicken, or a rooster with a gender identity issues?) ass.

    And be honest, do we really want Jenny to have first strike capability?

  43. I would have liked to have been part of the conversation that hatched this brainstorm.
    I think marijuana may have been involved. You know it’s the stoner engineers that have remotes controlling everything in their house that will carry a bag of chips to them. I’m jealous.

  44. Well it’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye….and then it’s fun and games with no depth perception

  45. I don’t…it’s so…just…how did…WHY did…
    I can’t even form a complete sentence.

  46. I find this heartwarming.

    Perhaps this gentleman had a pet ostrich named Bob and it was Bob’s deepest desire to fly and be like all the other birds. Sadly, before Bob could learn to fly he lost his battle with Pharyngitis and passed away.

    Those closest to Bob wanted to finish his bucket list in celebration of his life. Since his passing he has gotten a genital piercing, visited a strip club and had his picture taken with a Kardashian.

    This however is the fulfillment of Bob’s hopes and dreams.

    Thank you for sharing.

  47. Did you see the look in that ostrich’s eye? It’s like his dying wish *was* to impale the hugging, neighbor couple!

    Also, I am so glad we have the internet because how else would so many people see something so completely awesome?

  48. The person who invented that definitely belongs to our awesomely crazy tribe of super badass ridiculously-amazing-ideas people.

    This is genius.

  49. Also, I wonder how he came up with the idea. I bet he was just sitting there one day, eating a sandwich or some deviled eggs or something, or maybe he just woke up one day, looked out the window and said ‘I’m gonna attach a taxidermied ostrich to some helicoptor parts. YES.’

  50. You know what I see? A man living out his dream.

    Imagine a young boy, learning for the first time about the diversity that is the Animal Kingdom. He discovers these illogically large birds that, though they look a bit strange, have some of the most beautiful feathers. He then is crushed to learn that these magnificent creatures can’t fly. He will never see their glorious wings put to their most awe-inspiring use, and he says “this will not do.”

    He studies biology. He goes through countless experiments attempting to genetically engineer ostriches that can fly, but each failure is more crushing and abominable than the last. He is about to lose hope, when one day he sees a taxidermied ostrich at a flea market, placed, rather fortuitously, next to some RC helicopters. He devises a plan, and then, a few short months later, he shares with the world his success.

    Truly, inspiring to us all.

    ….

    That, or it’s simply a more ingenious way to insure that he never, ever gets laid.

  51. For the first test? Was it alive and a willing participant? Or is that why it’s stuffed now?

    All these questions and more….

    This can only end bad..on all levels.

  52. Did anyone else get chills when the ostrich, after lifting off, began soaring majestically into the sky, silhouetted against the blue yonder? No? Just me? OK, then.

  53. First time I heard that song (I believe I can fly), I was driving towards the Golden Gate Bridge – dj started to tell a story of how a Russian transport plane lost control internally due to some cows getting restless inside – one got loose and got through the cargo hold door and fell to earth and landed on a Japanese fisherman. I almost drove off the bridge, it was too funny – especially with the sound effects and that song combined. I would love to see what they would do with that flying ostrich! Bet someone is wearing ballet slippers while driving that thing – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2RGrCyDAVuk

  54. I swear, I would love to be you – or have your job – for a day. No, a weekend. No, a three-day weekend during a full moon. Yeah.

  55. Hmmm…lost for words!
    On a side note, and kind of related to the Ostrich. We have a wild Emu living in the Northern wilderness of British Columbia, Canada. He/she has been spotted eyeing up loggers for years now. My question is, how the fuck does it survive, we have winter up here, and REDNECKS with GUNS!

  56. This feels like the start of a children’s story:

    Ollie the ostrich looked up in the sky,
    “Why, oh why can’t I learn to fly?”
    I’ve got feathers, a beak, but my wings aren’t proper,
    So I’ll talk to the guy with four helicopters.

  57. Scariest thing I think I’ve ever seen! I would go running if I saw that thing flying into my back yard. Unless I was visiting you. Then I would shrug and know that it is but another day in the life of the Bloggess!

  58. This is so awesome it’s crazy! What’s next? I’ve no ideas I just seriously want to know what dead animal will be the next to fly by remote control when it’s dead.

  59. Okay, when the time came I was going to be cremated. Now it’s going to be mummification, propellers strapped to my head and ass, and the family can take me out and fly me around the neighborhood on special occasions. They could even make some money by attaching banner-signs to my feet to trail along behind me: “Lisa, will you marry me?” Or better yet, some smoke canisters and use me for skywriting messages!! I can’t wait to die!

  60. I really, really needed this laugh, Jenny. You are awesomely weird and your book is my new weirdometer. (Yeah, FU spellcheck. I can make up words when I know the tribe will get it.)

    I’ve loaned your book to three people. Two have returned it. One was hung up in some weird history phase and would only stop THAT boring shit to read David Sedaris’ new book. The other one said, “This is a book you really have to sit down and READ.” What? WTF does that mean?

    The other is tribal. She’s a keeper.

    Keep on keepin’ on, Jenny. I need ya.

  61. Raul called it: Ostrich drones. I’d prefer owning a stealth Rocky-the-flying-Squirrel drone myself.

  62. I love this so much- almost more than Beyonce; except that Beyonce belongs to you, and Flying Taxadermied Ostrich(es?) are out there for anyone to claim, provided they have enough insurance. And who would want them, even WITH insurance? What a mess. Stick to home, JennyLawson, and covet the wierdness that you already have. Best to Victor and Hailey, too.

  63. My brain… cupid’s arrow…thought’s of Puck from A Midsummer Night’s Dream… which, like many classics, I was first exposed to by the “Maggo” version. My exposure to man classics was through Maggo: Midsummer, The Three Musketeers, Cyrano, Rip Van Winkle, and as I recall A Christmas Carol…I might have seen a few others, but I don’t trust my memory. More modern fair I was exposed to via Mad Magazine versions.

  64. Oh my giddy aunt. This is madness and the ostrich flying backwards is hilarious. Whatever possessed man on earth to come up with that idea? Someone actually sat in a room and decided to do this? God knows, ha ha ha ha.

  65. This. This is what happens when we allow gay marriage.

    What’s next, speedskating flamingos?

  66. And once again, The Bloggess is the voice of reason. I don’t know whether to be relieved; or very, very afraid.

  67. Is it just me or does the ostrich look like it was stuffed with this idea in mind? I know we’ve seen some odd examples of taxidermy here but don’t most people position their taxidermy so it is at least standing up?

  68. I so wish there was a “Like” button on the comments so I could have Liked my favorites! The comments were every bit as good as the video!

    As with others, I have many questions, such as why is the ostrich posed that way, and what the inventor was drinking/smoking/taking when he decided this was something to do. And what the first test looked like. I’ve been in the garden and heard a humming to the right or left and turned slightly to see a hovering hummingbird next to my head, giving me the eye. That was cool, albeit somewhat alarming. If I turned slightly and saw a hovering ostrich, I’m pretty sure I’d be having to shower and then wash my clothing. “Alarming” wouldn’t be the half of it.

    Thank you, dear Jenny, for giving us the heads-up on this incipient danger. I’ll make sure not to hug in the backyard, if I develop a relationship. 🙂

  69. THAT is some scary $hit. and, for once, I am so happy I live in the ghetto because we are too poor and smart to ever try that shit here. ;o)

  70. Oh my freaking goodness. What the eff?! I have simultaneously drawn several startling conclusions/assumptions:
    1. Stuff like this is why so much of the world thinks Americans are crazy.
    2. This was premeditated; I can only think of a few reasons why an ostrich would be placed in that position via taxidermy. Most of them aren’t nice enough to type here.
    3. I know people who would attempt this.
    4. Why stop with an ostrich?? Maybe this is the first piece in the “Stuff that’s not supposed to fly” art series. Wonder what’s next, maybe an anvil. Better get more helicopters.

  71. Oh. At first I thought those were cymbals. Then I thought, who would put perfectly good Zildjians on a stuffed ostrich? Well, Jenny, that’s who.

  72. Everytime I hear about things like this I realize that I am not using my free time effectively at all.

  73. My husband wants one. He will call him “Mr. I-JUST-SCARED-THE-BAT-SHIT-OUT-OF-A-SCHOOLYARD-FULL-OF-CHILDREN-AND-IT-WAS-AWESOME!!!”

  74. I know this is your blog and all but may I make a suggestion? How about a “like” button for the comments you get? or a Reply option to the comments? Thanks for sharing you with us! xo

  75. I would ask: “What the f*ck have I just watched?!”
    …But unfortunately it’s clear to me that I’ve just watched a giant taxidermied ostrich get airborne.
    Somebody needs to dub ‘Ride Of The Valkeries” over that video.

  76. Someone with artistic abilities beyond my 3rd grade level PLEASE depict this amazing visual of the live/ostrich-struck (or stuck) neighbors!

  77. All it needs is a camera to become the world’s unstealthiest spy drone…..

  78. at least this doesn’t gross me out as much as the idiots who made a helicopter out of a dead, stuffed cat.
    That was just wrong.

  79. ABOSULTELY love this…. I would have loved to see the neighbors faces in the next yard..all WHAT THE?????
    I wonder can ? James Garfield be taught to fly or at the very least sing a merry Christmas song?

  80. There are a few neighbors I wouldn’t mind impaling with one of these things so thanks for that idea, Jenny. I needed to find a new hobby anyway.

  81. I have been having a really terrible time lately. Just awful.

    And I love this. It’s wonderful. As a long-time vegetarian, you are my guilty pleasure blog.

    Thank you for making me gasp and laugh. It’s been a long time.

    (Is it me or is this comment going down a road I do not mean to take it? Shite, sorry about that. )

    Also, Robin at comment 25 makes me seriously consider doing this with a chicken. maybe not a metal one though.

  82. They did this to a taxidermied cat — saw it on The Soup, he/it had a propeller on each outstretched paw. I’m sure the birds all had coronaries.

  83. When I die, I want someone to do that to my body. I’ll even help the situation seem comical instead of morbid by ensuring that I die with a windswept look on my face…

    Excuse me whilst I fire up the botox in preparation.

  84. Birds scare the crap out of me. This does not help.

    Can I get this on a t-shirt: “Think your actions through, ostrich-fliers.”

  85. I have only two simple questions:

    1. Where do you get a dead ostrich to attach to a mini-drone-helicopter?

    or, conversely,

    2. Where do you get a mini-drone-helicopter to attach to a dead ostrich?

  86. Ostriches are not the only formerly grounded species granted the gift of flight after death.. Orville here is one gifted dead flying cat.. not only does he fly but he also has his own music video that is just plain amazing! http://t.co/d1I0HwmBMC

  87. This is the dumbest thing ever. But I know you would want one. Is there an anniversary looming? Not as good as a giant chicken.

  88. In Frosty’s magic snowball, I can see…
    A flying groundhog. In a Superman cape.
    Ya, that’d be cool!

  89. The whole entire time I was watching, all I could think of was….why? But then it dawned on me that its probable the same reason my husband watches me knit a sock and says “Why?” Cause I can.

  90. This is what would happen if Phineas and Ferb grew up (and if they were real people, not a cartoon).

    Ferb, I know what we’re going to do today.

  91. I wanted to let you know that you have invaded my head. I was on pinterest and saw a halloween board that had what looked to be a two headed mummified bat on it. Normally (ie. if my head were not invaded) I would have thought: ew! but instead I thought: wow the Bloggess would love that, is it for sale? I then clicked the link and saw it was for sale but was a sculpture and not a real mummified two headed bat. This made me sad.

  92. I want one. And I want to fly around on it on Christmas Eve to confuse neighborhood children. An ostrich quadrocopter seems no less ridiculous than a flying quadraped. Christmas really needs a little more magic, I think.

  93. Oh shit…if the military started using these with the drone that would be the ultimate shock and awe. Nothing screams Psy-Ops like an ostrich coming to blow your ass up.

    I’m, apparently, feeling militant today. *goes and hugs a tree*

  94. Hmm. An ostrich. I would have taken the opportunity to fly a dragon or even a pig. The ostrich is so…”meh.”

    Poor young lovers. They are already all getting killed by the escaped killer with a hook instead of a hand. Now they have to fear flying taxidermy.

  95. The fact that I took 1:25 out of my life to watch that is one thing…but the fact that these guys obviously took much more of their time to build this thing…and then it flies only to land exactly where it started? Well…I’m a little frustrated.

  96. Is there actually MORE than one guy who has a flying ostrich?? The way you describe it makes it seem like there’s a club of ostrichers or something….

  97. I think this has the makings of a fantastic SyFy movie. First Sharknado, then a movie about a plague of flying ostrich (starring Christian Slater), and the final installment to the series would be… Alpacalypse!
    Quick! Someone get on giving Alpacas flight tech!

  98. I could be wrong, nonetheless I will suggest that these people may have a little too much time on their hands.

  99. I see a lot of people borderlining becoming your next stalker. I’ve heard you say you’ve had a stalker before… How many have you had since blogging?

    (Two, but only one was scary. He’s schizophrenic and thinks he knows me. When he’s medicated he goes away and then when he goes off his meds he’s back. I feel bad for him but I have taken precautions to protect myself and my family and I feel much safer now. ~ Jenny)

  100. I love you. You always make me laugh so hard I snort. I sent this to my friend in Afghanistan, if this doesn’t scare al Qaeda, nothing will.

  101. This just doesn’t get anymore hilarious! I lost it entirely when picturing it on the rooftop with the lost and forgotten frisbees! Absolutely brilliant LMFAO

  102. Actually Jenny, I think you need one of these. It would make a great companion for Beyoncé. But only if it was ethically taxidermied… 🙂

  103. Who taxidermies an ostrich in a prone position? If the wings were out it would have been better…. then you could clothesline a whole bunch of people at once!

  104. My daughter was particularly concerned when I felt that we should be singing Up in the air Junior Birdmen. I think she does not understand our tribe fully.

  105. Congratulations! You deserve this! You crack me up every day. I always, always look forward to reading your daily post.

  106. Son of a …. I posted this on the wrong post. Sorry. 🙁 I’m going to do a copy-paste on this comment over to the post about Time Magazine’s announcement.

  107. I too am terrified of ostriches ever since I had a dream when I was a kid that one was in my backyard and decided to peck me in the back down to the spine while I screamed and cried and my family just watched without concern. Of course everyone knows about my fear of ostriches so when my wonderful brother in law saw this video he sent it to me immediately. As far as I’m concerned this is a blatant use of technology for evil and must be stopped. *horrified shudder*

  108. It needs an on-board mp3 player and speakers blaring either ManOWar’s Sting of the Bumblebee or Wagner’s Flight of the Valkyries.

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