You guys are totally fucked up. Never change.

I opened up my mail today and was surprised to find a shitload of drugs in it, and I assumed it was some sort of weird sting, but turns out that my post office gave me the wrong box and the drugs were perfectly legal and are supposed to go to a clinic.  I also got a home-made dead frog in the mail and that caused much less confusion, because of course I did.

My friend, Ben Hamby, author of Rise of the Steam Goddess, is a bad-ass who knows far too much about steampunk Victorian vampires, and today he mailed me this:

Yeah. So, that's a taxidermied froggie dressed as Mad Eye Moody.

He goes perfectly with my other Harry Potter-esque taxidermied creatures:

Issues. I have them.

Still on the lookout for Draco Mouse-foy,  Severus Snake and Hairy Otter.  Suggestions taken below.

PS.  “OMG, DUMBLE-DORMOUSE.”  I just screamed that and Victor just glared at me.  Victor has no appreciation for the arts.

266 thoughts on “You guys are totally fucked up. Never change.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. My brother just got a real snake for his birthday and named it Severus Snake. I don’t think he wants it taxidermied yet though. I’ll let you know when it dies 🙂

  2. Am I the only one who pictures the wide eyed frog sucking in air at some sort of unseen surprise??

    Am I the only one who looks at their faces and tries to determine what they are thinking?

    God I hope not…

  3. I don’t know why I’m always surprised when you get taxidermy animals in the mail. But every time I wind up staring. And, I mean, they all look really awesome! I adore your collection of Harry Potter-esque animals! And I agree with Stephanie, it does look like there is a ferret Malfoy there!

  4. I’m way to confused by why Ron Weasel-y has Ermine-y Granger’s hair… or maybe I’m just having a flashback.

  5. This is the single greatest taxidermy collection I have ever seen.

    Also, maybe get a Lord Mole-demort? You need a villain!

  6. I’m jealous because nobody ever sends me a dead animal and I really want one. Those things are expensive!

  7. I enjoy annoying the hell out of my four-year-old by asking if she’d like me to read some more Scary Otter to her.

  8. Oh, and I don’t know if there is such a thing as too many dead frogs, but you could really use a Neville Frogbottom too!

  9. Narwhal Longbottom?

    Space might be an issue with that one, though.

    Vole-demort. (Or Mole-demort)

  10. You need a sorting hat, too, because it would add verisimilitude to your display. Also, just a thought – if the economy gets really, REALLY bad, you could open your house as a kind of Museum of Delightfully Weird and people would pay money to come see your treasures!! Take that Disney! Booyah!!

  11. Missing…
    Cho Chinchilla (Chang-chilla?)
    Godric Guinea Pig
    Professor (S)Quirrell

  12. I need to get on this mysterious list of send cool stuff to me that you have stumbled. LOL. That’s awesome.

  13. I really wish I had friends who mailed me homemade dead Harry Potter-themed animals.

    It seems I need new friends.

  14. Those names are PERFECT. My husband and I came up with a list of x-rated versions of Harry Potter character names one night. It was late, I don’t know. We managed to think up far too many.

  15. I’m pretty sure I can make a Draco mouse-foy for you…Harry Otter might be more difficult as In pretty sure otters are all protected species these days. Maybe if you can hunt down an antique mount I could dress him up appropriately for you!

  16. OMG that is awesome. I can’t wait to see Dumble Doormouse. 🙂 It’s possibe you have the coolest fans…or, that you’re such a level of cool that the weirdo fans who send dead things to stars are welcome here. 🙂 Either way, WIN.

  17. haha! I’m about to run a post about how my son carries his new favorite comfort thing around everywhere with him…a taxidermied and decapitated baby alligator head he named Lusassa. It’s all cool until Lusassa gets thirsty and starts sipping on my straw when I’m not looking.

  18. Hog-rid? (I was at the Tempe, AZ reading where someone dragged in a stuffed Javelina for you)
    Sirius Black-Bird

  19. As awesome as those are I have to ask (forgive me if this has already been asked and answered): Why is Ron Weasel-y wearing Frankie Stein’s (from Mattel’s Monster High) school dress?

    (Actually, Ron is naked under his cloak. Ermine-y is the one wearing the Monster High outfit because it was the only thing I’ve been able to find that fit her. They just don’t make enough ermine-sized clothes. ~ Jenny)

  20. Mad-Eye Toady is perfect.

    And so many good suggestions offered to complete your collection – either Mole-Demort or Vole-demort would be awesome.

    If you can’t find a Severus Snake, maybe a Severus Snipe? There aren’t enough birds in your collections.

  21. Why can’t I be you?!? I’d kill for a Mad-Eye Toady. Any frog taxidermy, really. But damn – that is awesome.

  22. My son and I suggest “Moaning Turtle.” Though it might be hard to make her look appropriately ghostly, she would thrive in a wet environment!

  23. I wish I was better with this kind of pun stuff. I am usually known for puns on the fly that make my friends groan. This collection is fantastic; especially since they are arriving unbeknownst to you. My only surprise mail is children’s books to review which are, I will admit, awesome, but I’m not a child and don’t think it’s fair that my kids get to have a kick ass library while I’m doing all the “work.”

  24. You are just the coolest person EVER (no matter what Victor and your future middle-schooler might say.)

    I thought of a woodpecker for Luna, but then you’d have a porn star name: Luna Lovewood. A blessing or a curse? Who’s to say? You, I guess. My 11 year old is more fond of Luna Moth, because she hasn’t been warped by junior high and hormones yet.
    Professor Trefawney – good luck finding room on the mantel, but wouldn’t she be fun at Christmas?
    Gildeeroy Lockhart – because Prof. Trefawney needs someone to keep her company.
    (Tasmanian) Devil Longbottom – the homoeroticism writes itself.
    Professor (S)quirrel – bonus points for second face under turban.
    Professor Trout – a woman/a fish. ‘Nuff said.

    This has been fun. I wonder if your mail carrier has any idea of the treasures delivered to your door (now with forwarding labels)!

  25. I really think Ron’s wig needs to be on Ermine-y. He can have a *little* ginger wig, but that’s totally Hermione’s hair.

  26. Holy dear god this is the greatest thing I have ever seen. I love him. Turning Voldemort into a door mouse will top it all though. A little white mouse with red eyes and the nose. Peeeeerfect.

  27. When middle school book report projects go that step too far…

    or not far enough, frankly, because they need a shoe-box diorama to live in; a shoe-box diorama rolled in glitter, that is.

  28. I am LOVING your HP collection. And I really love the suggestions for additions.. and yes, Victor has no appreciation for the (dark) arts. >.<

  29. Funny how the taxidermist frog is less confusing than a box full of drugs. Maybe the drugs are only less confusing to me because I’m a pharmacist. 🙂

    Love the collection!! Can’t wait until its complete!! 😀

  30. Could I get the measurements of your Ermine-y Granger? I’m sure the problem with the lack of ermine-sized clothes can be solved…

  31. Got to have “Hog”rid. And he’d be way bigger than the rest, so it would be perfect.

  32. Dumbledore is old English for “bumblebee.” Rowlings said she named him that because she would imagine him wandering around Hogwarts humming to himself. I dunno, can you taxidermy a bumblebee?

  33. Note to self: Do not read The Bloggess in the break room at work.

    You need more red-headed weasels to fill out the Weasley family. Especially Fred and George.

  34. You also obviously need the house mascots. The snake and the badger are probably easy enough, but the eagle and the lion would probably break some federal guidelines if not laws.

  35. Holy horcruxes, this is the best thing I’ve ever seen. You need Professor Squirrel, surely your dad has a squirrel laying around begging to be turned into a Harry Potter character.

  36. I like the MOLE-demort idea, but there is a rodent called a vole. Then you can have a real VOLE-demort!

  37. Sorry if I’m repeating an idea but I got too excited after reading down to about 65 and just had to share.
    Loon-a Lovegood, Argus Finch and Bella-tick Lestrange (not sure if that’s possible)…great, now I will be obsessed with this all night.

  38. There is a lakeside bar and grill in the next little town down the road from us that used to be called The Fox Den. Part of its decor was a taxidermied red fox, biggest one I ever saw. New owners upgraded the menu, got rid of the fox, and changed the name to The Thirsty Otter. No taxidermied otters were obtained in this maneuver, happily (I like otters better than foxes).

    Stupid Chrome spell-check doesn’t recognize “taxidermied”. Get on that, will ya?

  39. In the collections I used to work in, we had a decapitated snowy owl we called Headless-wig. XD

  40. Best taxidermied frog ever. Mad-Eye Toady… Guffaw.

    Also, does Ermione need a Gryffindor scarf as well? I can do other Houses, too. Please let me know. Accessories are important.

  41. You need to look now on ebay UK just been on and they have a snake for severous snake a vole for lord vole demort as well as lots of other taxidermy and they ship to the USA too! They also have a lion and some peacocks but they’re £4500!

  42. I’m desperately searching for Lemur Lovegood. Is it legal to taxidermy a lemur? I’ll start researching this. (And suddenly ‘lemur taxidermy’ starts trending).

  43. My BIL just told me you need to add Volde-mole to your collection……He says he usually traps a few moles every year and if you know a good taxidermist…….

  44. They also have squirrels for professor squirrel and lots of weasels for the weasleys

    ok I am now obsessing over finding hp taxidermy!

  45. Well, you may need a Voldemort. You could make him a villain with just really bad eyesight and call him “Mole-demort.” Just my two cents. 🙂

  46. I immediately thought you needed an Albus Bumbledore, but that even those huge bees would be hard to dress up. Thanks to Miranda for making my first thought sound really appropriate!

  47. Love that! I wish there was a “like” button for some of the suggestions! They are just as entertaining as your post.

  48. I’m sooooo jealous…all I have is a taxidermied baby alligator dressed as a hooker that I picked up in the French Quarter…maybe I should start a “ho” collection…

  49. Rita Mosquiter — but I don’t think you can really taxidermy a mosquito. Though in my state, they’re nearly large enough….
    Delores Umbrige is said to look like a toad, but I’d have said Dormouse Umbrige or DeLouse Umbrige.
    Minerva MagonaGULL?
    Weevil Longbottom? I’m getting even worse at this.
    RubberusDuck Hagrid? Meh. That sucks, too….

    Part of the problem is that so many of them already have animal names. Makes puns way less fun. Remus Lupin is already a (were)wolf. Sirius Black is already a black dog. While Dumbledore isn’t actually a bumblebee, you’ve already got one for him already.

    But if you don’t come up with a Lord VOLEdemort, (which, why wouldn’t you? That’s already Lord Weasel of Death.) I will be very disappointed.

  50. I haven’t got anything funny to add, I’m just posting to say “Ermine-y Granger” is a work of genius. 🙂

  51. I have a model horse collection but you are pretty much kicking my ass with all this.

  52. I’ve never known anybody who gets dead animals in the mail before. You are definitely one of a kind! 🙂

  53. @Miranda: If moth balls can be mass produced, a simple stuffed bumblebee should bee easily accomplished.

  54. I had a friend ( God rest his soul) who had a taxidermied armadillo. I was fascinated by the hairs that stuck out of him here and there. He kept it in the dining room and his wife disliked it immensely! You would love it! Not really part of the Harry Potter theme, but if I could get my hands on him, I’d gift him straight to you. Isn’t the armadillo native to Texas? 🙂

  55. These are awesome. Here’s a link to some knitting patterns for ‘Ermione. http://knittingfordolls.com/product/harry-potter/ (I’m not an advanced knitter or I’d give it a try for you.)

    Also – on August 13th I commented on your blog. On August 15, WordPress shut my blog down for “inappropriate” content. Coincidence? Probably not. But totally worth it. (My blog is back up and doing fine now.)

  56. Nothing to do specifically with this particular post, but I wanted to let you know how much your writing means to me. I’ve been going through a pretty bad bout of depression (my first). I happened upon your book (the title seemed utterly appropriate for my situation!) and I laughed out loud for the first time in months. And I didn’t stop laughing until I hit the end. (Looking forward to book #2!) I then read your blog posts from the beginning to current. Your sense of humour has helped me to start enjoying life again and your more serious posts about your mental health have helped me to not feel so alone. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for putting yourself out there.

  57. Put a bonnet on it, and I’d call it Delores Umbridge.

    Mad-Eye always seemed more of a carp to me.
    Wood eye, wood eye?!?

  58. Hey Jenny (and everyone!)

    Thanks for the shout out and all of the kind words, as well as the great puns. I linked my books in my ‘website’ thing (because I’m a whore). Jenny, Professor sQuirrell will be on his way in the next month or so. We’ll see what happens after that.

    And I wouldn’t worry too much on the ‘me changing’ front. I don’t think many of your friends and fans will be doing much of that either. We’re all mad here.

  59. Okay, while I love you dearly…we differ on affection for stuffed dead things, but because you’ve managed to tie the whole thing to Harry Potter…I am SO FUCKING IN!!!

    Brilliant!!!

  60. Luna Dove-good, Vole-demort, … Albatros Dumbledor, Nympadora Skunks, Hogrid, Shamus Fin-agin (fish), MaFalcon Hopkirk, Vulture Krum, Goat-ert Grindelwald, Doggie the House Elf, Worm-tail (although this was too easy ), Olive-Gander, Nearly Hedgehog Nick ( or Clearly Hedgehog Nick), Vincent Crab-be, Yax-ley … I could go on.. but then you would think I am too much of a Harry Potter Nerd… lol

  61. You should definitely make a fancy picture book full of glossy photos of all the taxidermied creatures in your house, with a blurb for each on how you got them. The Harry Potter chapter would be fantastic.
    So, are you thinking of ever branching out into more series or anything? Imagine a Doctor Who set…

  62. Wow…just wow. That has got to be the creepiest thing I have EVER seen. I evidently do not appreciate the arts either…

    That is still the coolest thing I have seen today, though…really creepy, but cool.

  63. So not taxidermy, but our next cat WILL be named Purr-nerva McGonagall. I would also love if she/he looked like the cat from the movies.

    What about a rooster – Sher-cock Holmes? As long as Beyonce didn’t get jealous.

  64. Have you ever seen the show, ‘Scrubs’? Hubby and I were watching it on the Netflix this summer and he was all, ‘Is the episode with the squirrel army coming up soon?’ If you haven’t seen it, there is a crazy (or quirky, or interesting, however you choose to describe him), Janitor on the show who has a taxidermy squirrel army in his garage. It made me think of you.

  65. I’m laughing so hard.

    You’d think Victor would have learned to appreciate the arts by now. Or at least Harry Potter haha

  66. I had a package sent to me by mistake once — sadly it was a case of incontinence protection products. Couldn’t even be fashioned into a realistic “Poise”-mona Sprout.

  67. I can’t believe I just spend the past 15 minutes looking at dead animals on eBay. But there is an auction for moles. Just sayin’

  68. You are the only person I know who has ever been sent large quantities of drugs by accident. Why oh why does all the weird stuff happen to you? Awesome Harry Otter collection by the way. I love Ermine-y’s hair.

  69. I had all the feels for Tom Felton while growing up and now it’s Snape. You’ve got it alll covered.

    I would like to suggest Luna Dovegood. 🙂 Because doves and starry goggles should go just fine!

  70. I second Tuna Lovegood! Kingsley Shackle-colt, Tom Rattlesnake, Horace Slug-horn, Xeno-filly-ous Lovegood, Helena Raven-claw or Heron-a Ravenclaw, Doggy (Dobby), Rabbit-us Hagrid, Professor Tre-llama (Trelawney), Nympha-deer-a Tonks or Nymphadoremouse Tonks, Oliver Woodchuck, Vincent Crab, Grip-hoof (could be any animal with a hoof…), Cedric Dingo-ry… And that’s all I’ve got…

  71. In no way should readers associate the shitload of delivered drugs with your fondness for stuffed critters.

    But as Hunter S. Thompson said:

    “Jenny took way more drugs than I ever did. And I am a doctor.”

  72. Alright already: I’ve ordered your damn book! Happy now?

    Now I think I’ll stuff it & turn it into Jenny’s BookWorm, or something…

    (looking forward to reading it…) 🙂

  73. The weirdest thing – I saw a post on pinetrest of those three critters. I immediately thought that looks like something the bloggess would have. And then I looked closer and it was yours! For some reason this cracked me up

  74. PS I like that my comment is waiting moderation. In my experience of The Bloggess, moderation is a term loosely used.

  75. OMG HARRY POTTER TAXIDERMY. there is definitely something wrong with you, but i love it. the first time i saw your taxidermy collection, i was a bit put off. i thought it was a bit creepy. but it’s not, it’s actually charmingly ridiculous. it’s not like you just collect random dead things. jean-louis and juanita were my favorites…. until now.

  76. Just don’t lick the toad or you’re back to your first problem.
    Seriously though he looks awesome! Who doesn’t want a steampunk taxidermied frog?

  77. So after reading this post I had the following coversation with my husband.
    Me: See? Instead of collecting My little ponies, I could be collecting dead animals. See how much better you have it?
    Husband: is the the standard we’re holding ourselves to now?

  78. Ha! I feel like you should get a collection for Lord of the Rings. Hobbits could be chipmunks. Gandalf would be a distinguished bunny rabbit, methinks.

  79. I’m confused by Mole-demort. Isn’t there already a small furry animal named a vole? we could have a literal Lord Vole-demort! unless voles are super difficult to find.

  80. I don’t know which image is going to give me nightmares tonight…your taxidermied frog or the rat that was dragging a trap around in my attic (thump…slide, thump…slide). Sheesh, Where’s a pistol when you need it?

  81. My husband once bought himself a ferret, for his birthday. I probably would have like it more if it was wearing a jacket…. and was dead.

  82. No matter how crappy my day is, I can come here and read shit like this. And laugh myself silly while my husband just shakes his head. But you guys get it and its awesome. Never change Jenny!

  83. That is quite possibly the most fantastic collection I have eve seen. I can’t wait for the completed collection!

  84. While your gallbladder was trying to kill you my stomach was trying to kill me except the doctors were telling me it was all in my head… That hurts too has for two years they tell me that’s in my head too lol yes it is and painful I might add which is why I have come to you dear doctor for you to tell me I am crazy? I know that too! That does not stop the pain. Finally I had to get dramatic almost die and prove to the that my belly had quit just stopped working! So now I have tubes a 6 inch cut from my ribs to belly button an IV pole in my house and I’m learning hospital drugs are better. Especially when you pop a couple come on here and cheer and laugh at your new potter addition go pale almost lose the coffee cup in your hand and scare your girlfriend! YAY to Mad Eye Toadly!!!!!!!! Thank you for making my morning.

    Btw-cats tubes operations not a good mix in general you’d think they’d be comforting but no they a more hey let me step mmmmmm here!

  85. How about a Whomping Wombat in honor of the Whomping Willow? Kind of a stretch, I know, but lines of decency have already been compromised….

  86. Helga Hufflepuffin would work. By the way, I’m reading your book and appreciate you including your personal pictures. Adult books need more pictures. How do you know if animals have died from natural causes?

  87. Oh my freaking god those are the coolest things ever. And the names. OH my god, the names!

    Not to brag (totally bragging) but I got to meet Luna Lovegood. In person. It was amazing. Harry Potter for life.

    Dumble-dormouse is brilliant! You are obviously not being appreciated enough.

  88. ACTUALLY, I think this toad pre-dates Harry Potter – I think it’s Toad of Toad Hall, in the midst of his motorcar infatuation in The Wind in the Willows.

    I only said that because I’m a pedant. Now ignore me and go back to your fun.

  89. Your house must now resemble a museum. Haley is going to be a lucky lady when she becomes a teenager and has tons of street cred in growing up with genuine weird stuff– to hell with convention.

    Suggestion: Gregory Goose Goyle and Harry Hipotteramus Because NO ONE will see that coming… and who wouldn’t want to see a fully taxidermy hippo with a scar, cape and glasses. I rest my case.

  90. I wish you had a “That shit was so fucking awesome I don’t even have words, but I want to express my extreme SQUEEEing!” Button for post like these.

  91. comment #213 is genius. none of this small scale bull crap taxidermy….. you DO need a large Harry Hipotteramus!

  92. Fuck all that – I say go totally Avant-garde and name him Harry the Troll man with insidious parsnips and Volde he who shall not be cared for when the time for reckoning has begun.

    Keep Hagrid Hagrid. Some shit you just don’t change.

  93. Luna Love-goat, might be a nice addition. All the other Hog-warts characters could take turns riding her.

  94. I have that same frog playing baseball. If you want it I would be happy to send it on to you. Let me know.

  95. jenny – i really think you need to explore taxidermy interior decorating……could be profitable for you……..

  96. You also need a Vole-demort [voles totally exist, I’m not making that up for a pun] and a Lizard with insanely wacky hair and crazy eyes and you can call her Bellatrix Liz-strange. Also Min-ermine McGonagall, and a wolf that you just call Remus Lupin, because that name is already like being called “wolfy mcwolf” to begin with.

  97. Seriously the first thing I thought of when I saw your toad was Wind In the Willows…that toad looks like it’s had a wild ride.

  98. Toady is awesome. I like him the best of the 3 so far. I agree with Lori above who said that she thought of the Wind and the Willows- that is what I thought it was going to be. Can’t wait until your set is complete. It is super cool!

  99. Recently discovered your site, LOVE!!! It isn’t weird to me at all that I sat for over 2 hours laughing hysterically at your posts especially about “Copernicus.” Anywho, totally appreciate the love you have for taxidermy and that I recommend http://www.etsy.com if you’re looking for more “forms of art” to appreciate. Thanks again for all the laughs. I definitely will be purchasing your book soon!

  100. i love the idea of a professor squirrel with a turban or an aunteater petunia. beetleatrix lestrange? i should really be doing laundry or caring for my family.

  101. I thought that Ronald Weasel-y was Ginny and that Ermine-y was Luna lovegood… Just sayin’

    But mad eye toady. ERMAGERD!

  102. Hey Mother Theresa I have just found your blog. Nice. Please just please don’t use italics cos I cant read them and my eyes hurt trying. Susie

  103. I realised something totally mind blowing about Harry Potter the other day.

    Diagon Ally = diagonally.

    I’ll give you a second to scrape your exploded brains off the wall.

  104. If they were delivered to me I would have been tempted to start a new business. Fortunately I never get anything interesting in the mail.

  105. Professor S-Quirrel–in a tiny turban and maybe with a second noseless squirrel face on the back of his head-you know, under the tiny turban.

  106. Oh dear, I woke up thinking of more: Loon-a Lovegood and Sybill Tre-larkey. De-loris Umbridge. Wish I could work in stoats or martens.

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