In my defense, I’m just very lazy.

Victor: Maybe we should join a gym.

me:  Nah.  I’m already extremely successful at failing to work out right here at home.  No need to branch out, really.

Victor:  But we’d probably be more likely to work out if we had access to exercise machines.

me:  There are machines that exercise for you?  Bloody hell, man.  Why didn’t you say so?  BUY ONE IMMEDIATELY.

Victor:  It doesn’t quite work like that.

me:  Are there also robots that ignore deadlines for you, and cyborgs that fuck shit up more efficiently?  Because I’m fairly good at that, but honestly? I think there’s room for improvement.

Victor:  Oh, you’re being too hard on yourself.  You’re amazing at fucking shit up.

me:  I know.  It’s the only art I’ve almost perfected.  Frankly, it kind of blows my mind a little.

Victor:  Mine too, honey.  Mine too.

157 thoughts on “In my defense, I’m just very lazy.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. We should start a colony of people who enjoy fucking shit up… and the creation of gyms will not be allowed! … unless they’re going to create it, so that we can fuck it up…. I guess that could work!

  2. What if the gym had interesting taxidermy? Would you change your mind? Who wouldn’t run on the treadmill of a stuffed tiger was poised to get you at the other end if you stopped.

  3. At the suggestion of my chiropractor, I was determined to start Pilates.

    Excited I went and bought a dvd set with an exercize ball, a BLOW UP one, I mean who can ask for more than that?

    A yoga mat, etc.

    I did it, exactly Once.

    Weeks ago.

    And somehow all my Pilate shit ended up in the closet.

    BTW, love your blog. I found it after I bought your book on my kindle. I don’t think I laughed so hard in my life, and I really shouldn’t be reading it at work, people look at me like I am insane.

  4. Victor can workout on my behalf. I’d been running a few times a week but the bottom of my foot was hurting a bunch so I stopped. And yesterday I thought, self…you should go to the gym and do something that won’t hurt your foot. So I decided to swim since it’s supposed to be exactly zero impact. And while walking to get in the nice little pool at my gym, barefoot of course, I managed to slam the side of my foot into the weird little machine that lifts the old people in and out of the pool. And I’m pretty sure I broke my toes. If that’s not God saying “enough with this working out shit already!” then I don’t know what is.

  5. I’d be afraid if they had robots that ignored deadlines and messed things up because that’s the sign that robots were finally replacing all humans. What would humans be good for then except maybe robot target practice?

  6. Seems like you need a robot to transcribe your conversations with Victor. Life would be that much easier.

  7. Okay, so you’re a cyborg/robot that fucks shit up more efficiently AND ignored deadlines?!

    I need you. Like ASAP! because my conscience is eating me up…you need to be at war with my conscience. My conscience loves you though, so you’d win.

  8. @Nicole P,

    I must be watching too much Mythbusters (or not enough… I haven’t been watching EXACTLY the RIGHT amount of Mythbusters) because my first thought was a Taxidermy gym run by Grant Imahara where the stuffed tiger didn’t just stare menacingly but, thanks to robotics, slashed his claws at you to get you to run faster.

    And now my mind is back at the Robot Apocalypse with humans running on treadmills with robot stuffed tigers behind them all to power the robots’ factories. (I’d say my mind jumped the track but it never goes on the track to begin with. That place is just so boring!)

  9. From personal experience, being a member of a gym does not make it more likely that you will work out.

  10. Thank you for the window into THE PERFECT MARRIAGE. You and Victor are lucky to have found each other. I can’t imagine there are many other guys out there that would understand your kind of whimsy. Congratulations!

  11. I joined a gym. Doesn’t mean that I actually VISIT it. Instead, I just let 24-Hour Fitness exercise my wallet.

    @meeshdragon

  12. Really Victor? A GYM?
    It’s like he doesn’t even know you…

    (Don’t worry Victor – I still think you’re awesome. I’m also pretty sure you’re deeply relieved to know that.)

    By the way – I read your book on a recent flight to Vegas (You know those things you do in marriage because you have to pick your battles? Yeah, THAT. That’s what got me to Vegas.) and I had this idea to take some photos of your book in various places around Vegas, and then well, damn – Vegas happened. I’m sorry. I’m actually pretty annoyed with myself about it, but at least I remembered to bring your book home with me, because I really loved it. The woman sitting next to me on the plane didn’t dig me laughing out loud, but that’s her problem.

  13. Working out for other people… that’s actually kind of brilliant. Like a better version of a workout buddy. I can utilize my insatiable need to please others! So when my alarm goes off in the morning, and I’m hating last night me for inflicting that sound on myself, instead of hitting the snooze and rolling over, I can think, “No! I promised Jenny I’d work out for her this morning! She’s counting on you, and you’re just going to let her down?”

    I knew someday I’d figure out how to life hack Jewish guilt!

  14. I’m sure you are very good at FSU, but if you ever find that you have to much S to FU, you can always outsource to be. I can FSU without even trying. With my eyes shut tight and both hands tied behind my back. Which, now that I reflect, is the way most S gets Fed U, but still I would maintain I am better than most. Just give me a chance to show you what I got. You won’t regret it. I’ll FSU that you didn’t even WANT Fed U. Wait. No, I won’t. Oh who am I kidding. I definitely will.

  15. Made me laugh. If these are verbatim conversations, you two are the coolest couple ever.

    I belong to a gym. I even go. Can’t say I enjoy the classes, but I like the way I feel when they’re over. Hmmm.

  16. There used to be a place where I live (I forget the name of it) that had exercise machines that moved for you. Basically, they were tables you laid on and it moved your arms and legs.

  17. Yeah, I installed the “Lose It!” app on my phone. Don’t get it– It’s been one week and I haven’t lost ANY weight. Piece of shit doesn’t work.

  18. I don’t ignore deadlines. I agree with Douglas Adams: “I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.” Deadlines do make the loveliest whoosh ever. No other whoosh can compare.

  19. Laziness carried to it’s logical conclusion is indistinguishable from efficiency. One of the primary Timisms. Dating back to a time, no doubt, I was being paid to do something besides maximizing laziness. 🙂 If I weren’t so lazy, I’d market myself as an efficiency expert! But then I’d have to stop procrastinating, which is another primary skill of mine. Keeping these two skills from interfering with each other is quite the challenge. I think I need a nap just from the work of considering it all. 😉

  20. Don’t discount that athletic equipment too quickly. An elliptical works nicely as a clothes hanger..those tall handles will keep your shit from wrinkling on the floor.

  21. Yeah, I’m also very skilled at not working out at home for free. Why the hell would I PAY to not work out somewhere else? Though, my best friend’s gym does have a eucalyptus spa and a hot tub room that I like, but I doubt I’d go wallow in either of those things 60 dollars a month worth.

  22. Uh-huh, I’ve had similar conversations with my spousal unit that go the same way about me effing shit up. If there was a Nobel Peace Prize for that, I wouldn’t have any shelf space left at all.

  23. I fuck shit up all the time. I’m actually surprised sometimes that my kids are still alive and know how to behave in public. I thought for sure that by now they’d be those little obnoxious assholes that you see running around the store yelling and breaking things. Nope. Apparently I know how to do ONE thing right. Too bad it’s the most expensive one…

    If they ever invent a machine that loses weight for you, I’ll be right behind you in line to buy it. I hope you don’t mind if I sniff your hair when you’re not looking.

  24. I bought a hula hoop (one of the weighted kind). People kept saying “Make working out fun!” So what is more fun than a hula hoop? Not hula hooping. That shit hurts!

    (I have one of those too. It’s nice to be able to hula hoop but it’s a bit embarrassing to be sweaty and panting after twenty minutes of hula-hooping. ~ Jenny)

  25. I once spent $2400 for half a Zumba class (in my defense, it looks MUCH easier online) and two “yogalates” classes…. You know, because I was too lazy to cancel my automatic payments to the gym. For two years.

  26. May I please have a link to the site where these exercise-for-you machines can be purchased.

    And in response to Kim in comment 40. I once worked at a gym and a guy came in to cancel his membership because he had finally noticed he was still making payments to us after moving away two years before. I would LOVE to have the spare cash on hand that would make two years of gym payments unnoticeable.

  27. I really wouldn’t want to be part of any gym that would let me join. Like you, I’m doing perfectly well avoiding exercise on my own.

  28. Ohhh the gym membership…

    I have a free gym in my apartment building.

    I’ve lived there for 5 months and have been in there 6 times.

    3 times to work out.

    3 times to drunkenly show my friends “Oooohhh LOOOOK my new apt has a GYM! I’m going to be SOOOOOO fit!”

    If only the machines worked out for you…

  29. Reminds me of how Homer gets excited when he learns from visiting a hospital that there are machines that do your breathing for you. He says something to the effect, “and I’ve been breathing on my own like a sucker all these years!”

    Another wonderful post to brighten my day 🙂

  30. Working out got much easier once I pretended I was in training for the government’s secret super soldier program. Well, it did until I remembered they just inject you with some sort of serum.

  31. Pffft. Exercise-smexercise. I have started a new awesome diet where I break out in hives and stop breathing when I eat mammalian meat. This is a thing. And it fucking sucks.

    P.S. Jenny, I love you so much, will you teach me how to twitter? I don’t get it.

  32. At least he didn’t “surprise” you with a membership. Boyfriend still can’t understand what he did wrong. He’s so far in the dog house, he’s coming out the back.

  33. My gym membership does a lot to exercise my guilt. Guilt for wasting the money. Guilt for not going in to work on reducing the size of my ass. Lots and lots of guilt.

  34. I’ve convinced my husband to let me buy a Wii fit so I can exercise at home… Only exercise I get with it is either the rare occasion I dust it… or every time I sit on the sofa with a glass of wine and think… I should get up and turn that thing on… the laughter does burn calories!

  35. I pay for a monthly gym membership and I haven’t been in over a year and a half, except once to shower. The worst part is that I don’t even feel guilty. If I were type A enough to make myself feel guilty, maybe I would either go or quit. But alas…

  36. I joined a gym once. Those workout machines are even lazier than me. I sat on one that was supposed to exercise my legs and waited. Nothing happened. I might as well wait around at home on my couch. It’s much more comfortable.

  37. @Techydad and @ Nicole P:

    “Dear Mythbusters,

    Just in time for Halloween – the Feline Taxidermy, Part 2. Remember when you made the Robot Cat for the Guard Dog episode? Could Grant Imahara make a taxideried gym where the stuffed tiger didn’t just stare menacingly but, thanks to robotics, slashed his claws at you to get you to run faster?

    Is it really a myth that you run faster when scared?”

    Suddenly I’m having flashbacks to “Westworld”….

  38. To be fair, I can only exercise if I have some sort of appropriately distracting activity to do at the same time as the exercise … watch TV, listen to music, stop and take pretty pictures of scenery with my camera phone, learn to be a ninja… you know, things.

  39. “You’re amazing at fucking shit up.”

    What an amazing and supportive man, he’s a keeper.

    Mine says “You are gonna spill that shit all over your shirt.”

    At least they know our strengths?

  40. I’m thinking of outsourcing my working out. That way I will have more time for napping – the only art I’ve almost perfected.

  41. Oh my GODS I need a machine that exercises for me!! And one that cleans for me.

    I can make my own messes, though. I’m pretty good at it.

  42. I bought a StareMaster, and I stared and stared at it. I didn’t lose a pound. What a gyp. Those other exercise machines are likely the same.

  43. Next he’ll say that you should buy a machine and bring it home, so you can work out right there and save on gym membership. Then your whole house can smell like sweat. If you’re super lucky like me, he’ll install the machine about 10 feet away from your desk, so you can smell stale sweat all day long. It’s a good motivator for getting work done quickly so you can escape the smell.

  44. They actually do have machines that work out for you. They’re called toning tables. You lie down on ’em and the move you around, bend you straighten you, and tone your muscles. They were built for physical therapy, but apparently some folks have ’em for everyday use. My mother used to work with someone who used one regularly. Mom said she looked amazing.

  45. How about if you took up the art of “Twerking”. I mean Miley Cyrus does it, and look at that hot body! (except for the tongue sticky out thing, I think this could work for you)
    Also, Twerking carries both gendered & racialized conno-fuckin-tations……bitch’as!

    Wow, Miley ,you teach us so much. Thank you. Really, thank fucking you Miley!

    Hannah Montanna you lazy bitch you got nothing on your alter’d ego.

    Woo-hoo….Twerking all of the U S of A. Beating Americas obesity problem, one hip thrust at a time!

  46. Ideally, the gym would come to me and position itself right in front of the TV so I can watch Doctor Who while working out. And it should have a drink holder for my giant glass of Diet soda.

    Seriously, if I had to power my TV with an exercise bike, I’d never watch TV again.

  47. If only hiring someone else to work our for me would actually work…I’d do it in a heartbeat, but I can’t afford it. Besides…I’d much rather have cake for breakfast, wouldn’t you?

  48. @Techydad @moldavitesofa

    Here’s what we do: we take the taxidermy robotic tiger and combine it with this prank, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g-7tm7C8UMM, and we call it, The Suprise Gym.

    You sign up for the surprise gym, and once or twice a week, something frightening pops out at you while you are going about your daily business. It could be a robotic tiger, or a man in a raptor suit, or a pack of parkour ninjas out for blood. As long as you run, mission accomplished.

  49. Reminds me of a clipping my teacher had on a wall… “To err is human. To really mess things up takes a computer.”
    Not sure anymore if it was from Ann Landers or Dear Abby. It has stayed with me.

  50. I bought a fifteen class card to a yoga studio and never went. I love comment number 5!
    Also, Victor, that wasn’t very nice. Your wife is extremely talented!

  51. I actually look with envy at the phone when the exerise commercials come on the TV. Do they really think that those things work for us who are watching INFOMERCIALS at 2 am??? Really. Not gonna happen.

  52. Please explore the phenomena surrounding the maddening number of “fun runs” that seem to have cropped up lately. It was bad enough with the Rock & Roll marathoners but now there are mud runs, color runs, grafitti runs, etc. I have no desire to run . And in the rare instance that I do take a jog, people had best not be throwing shit at me! That is all.

  53. Oh, how many times The Husband has said “maybe we should join a gym” 25 years of marriage later and we have sent THOUSANDS and THOUSANDS of dollars on gym memberships that never get used.

  54. I don’t join the gym because I know that I would never go, but I am confused on why Victor even thought it was a good idea?

    So ironic that the post that shows as recently posted by me is about exercise

  55. Sometimes I think that man totally gets you! Even if he does offer outlandish suggestions at gym-joining.
    Although, in his defense… perhaps he believes the gym is the place you will find inspiration and amusement.

  56. hahaha I am reading you book now and it makes me laugh to get the Victor commentary in real-time as you post things on the blog. Carry on with fucking shit up….carry on.

  57. There was once a machine like this. iBurn. Burned calories for you. Steve Jobs invented it.

    Then there was an update and then it just complained it’s charger didn’t fit anymore and made it feel fat and inferior.

  58. Tell the truth… the reason you love Victor so much is that he always believes that ‘this time will be different’, isn’t it? The fact that he thinks that you should be around machines with heavy weights and moving parts is positively charming.

  59. My special skill is procrastination. In my defense, I come by it honestly. I’m pretty sure the motto on my family’s coat of arms is, “I’ll get around to it one of these days.”

  60. I always think that if I join a gym, the guilt from loss of funds if I don’t go will motivate me to go…really has only worked once, and that is because we were paying way to much for the membership and it was only 1/2 mile from our house…really no excuse to not go. Otherwise, I tend to enjoy exercising outdoors and in my own little weightroom at home…LOL.

  61. i’m behind any decision anyone makes to not join a gym. which makes me a terrible friend but sort of a good financial advisor…

  62. I just snorted water (my nod to good health) out my nose! I have this conversation with my kids! Why would I pay $55/month for us to *not* work out, when we can *not* work out, right here, in the privacy of our home, any time we want. This way we don’t have to avoid getting dressed and driving somewhere. We don’t have to be unwillingly exposed to naked in- or out-of-shape people of various ages, and we don’t have to pretend to know how all those stupid machines work, all in front of a street-facing window where the public can gawk at you through the glass while on their way into the liquor store. BWAHAHA. You keep doing what you do!

  63. I wish I had a robot that ignores deadlines for me. I would be a lot less stressed out… Until people started yelling at me to get shit done.

  64. Want a workout? Become a teacher who is moved to a new room, doesn’t have all of her teaching stuff, the teacher whose room you took over did not pack all of her “stuff” (notice it is in quoyes), running around trying to find a rollie cart, lifting TABLES (notice the word “table” is in caps), swapping student desks with another teacher that is another building (the two building are attached), throwing out used workbooks you swear you already threw out, climbing up & down a ladder to staple your bulletin board & put curtains up (to make the place a bit more cheery), and you are still are not done setting up your room.

  65. Gotta love those conversations: “We should put money toward something that will mainly just highlight the fact that we more or less have no good excuse for our current behavior.” (Not that it’s ever worded that way.)

  66. I don’t exercise because I just don’t care for it. I especially wouldn’t care for it looking at a bunch of young un-lumpy girls who never sweat, bouncing around in their cute little work-out clothes. I once bought the Jane Fonda Workout Tape (VHS-ya, I’m old as hell) and one of my daughters said “Mom, I think you have to get on the floor and do it, not just watch it on TV!” I’m pretty sure that was one of them who now runs marathons and has the bragging 26.2 sticker in her car. Mine says 0.0. So Sweet Jenny, save your heartbeats. You only get so many- don’t waste ant on miserable exercise ????

  67. That was absolutely the laugh I needed. My mom used to call it “donating” to the gym, when she’d pay and never go. Good to recognize your strengths. And weaknesses. And tigers.

  68. Over the years, I’ve found that having access to exercise machines at home doesn’t make us more likely to exercise so much as it makes us more likely to use exercise machines as coat racks. It sounds like joining a gym wouldn’t come with that advantage.

  69. For my money, best comment goes to @ Linnie, “We don’t call it lazy. We call it energy efficient.”

  70. My gym membership is a bit dusty, too.
    But now I really want my own robotic taxidermy tiger. But I want mine for the house. Maybe the Mythbusters could help me set it up as a unique security system/ home invasion deterrent. And while they’re in town maybe they can let me watch them blow something up.

  71. Now if only they could make a passel of little elves to jump and down on my belly to help me regurgitate all the garbage I put in it, and maybe a couple of unicorns to poke me in the ass as I haul it up and down the mountains… this more-or-less sounds like the exercise regimen of the stars.

  72. But just to put ALL THINGS into perspective…

    I have just purchased two Bruce Springsteen tickets.

    SO THE UNIVERSE IS TOTALLY IN BALANCE.

    Junior and I will be with the Boss on 2 March.

    In Auckland, New Zealand.

    Jenny, you are invited to drop by.

    I will leave the light on for you and Bruce.

    BRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCE!

  73. My friend and I used to go to the gym in college. We were really successful at it too. 10 minutes on the elliptical, 10 minutes at the water fountain, 30 mins in the sauna, 10 mins in the shower, and 20 mins putting on our makeup. Then we’d go for pizza.

  74. My boyfriend is a Gym Rat… He wants me to come work out with him… I’m more like you though… Really good at fucking shit up…

  75. I think celery burns more calories than what you get from eating it. That’s my gym membership. And the peanut butter I slather on it is protein. I’m a work out beast AND my own dietitian.

  76. If you are ever in Orlando, come visit my house. I spent a lot of time/effort installing a circuit training gym into my guest garage. That was the most exercise I did all year because that sucker has gathered dust ever since.

  77. I lived in a building with a free membership at the in building for two years. A free, full scale gym up to date equipment and lovely staff. I can could all the times I used it on both hands, and still have enough fingers left over to lift a glass of wine and flip the page on my book.

  78. I’m totally there, if those machines are exercising for me!

    I’m pretty good at fucking shit up too.. but there’s always room for improvement!

    I can tell my hubby that I’m trying to do something.. and he agrees.. “you’re the most trying person I know”. *ba dah bum!*

  79. Aww you guys are so cute. A relationship works only when two people really accept each other and it seems like you have that with Victor. Also: you don’t have to go to a gym to work out. That’s a waste of money. Just do what I do: drop something on the floor and pick it up. BAM! You just did a squat. Repeat 10 times and you’re almost an Olympian.

  80. Not a day goes by that I don’t somehow manage to exercise my futility! 😀 Thanks for the great laugh! Love you & Victor!

  81. Also? A robot that wants to do all of those Pinterest projects for you. I wouldn’t even know how lazy I was if it weren’t for that site.

  82. “Victor: But we’d probably be more likely to work out if we had access to exercise machines.”
    Does anyone see the flaw in this logic?
    Yes, and if we had access to a sidewalk we’d be more likely to walk. Or, if we had access to information that told us the right things to eat, we wouldn’t have to eat crap all the time.
    Uh huh.
    Join a gym? Just another way to fuck shit up.

  83. Yet again Jenny. you crack me up. I love you and Victor. I think I might have bloggess envy.

    Joined a gym once a long time ago. they had a whirlpool. It was so fucking hot I am pretty sure we could have cooked our macaroni in it. (you know for the healthy mac n cheese lunch after the soak)
    sometimes I still think about it, but then realize I don’t even really want to walk the dog, and I like him.
    which is why I bought a hula hoop. You know, to work out. apparently hula hooping isn’t like riding a bike. I used to be a damn good hula hooper. I got a great workout what with all that bending over to pick it up off the floor. Can’t even hang clothes on the darn thing. Now it just taunts me from its spot against the living room wall.

    Your book finally arrived too. Yay!

  84. Love you. And thinking of you this morning because I was told I’m having brain surgery next friday, on the 13th, and I imagined you saying “no, no way, let the tumour be”.

  85. Hey! My book club just picked up your book and I am LOVING IT!!!!! I am almost done with it, been reading at work and my book club meeting is the 19!!!! I’m sure you already know how awesome you are so I won’t waste any time gushing…Instead, I gotta ask, WHERE DID YOU FIND HAMLET VON SCHNITZEL?!!! I WANT ONE!!! NOW!!!

  86. I’m sure Victor only suggested joining a gym because he loves you and wants you to survive the impending zombie apocalypse. Rule #1 of Zombieland IS cardio, after all.

  87. We’re still paying our gym membership. I know I’m not going, I think the hubby *might* still be. I blame the gym staff for my lack of attendance. I used to go all the time and do water aerobics. Then granny got sick and I missed a bunch of days. One day I had a reprieve and I went to the gym. As I walking into the gym I was thinking how happy I was that I finally was getting back to go play in the sun in the water how happy I was to be there. The gym guy at the desk said, “Enjoy your workout!” That made me stop and think…. holy cow! This is a *work* out. People shouldn’t like this stuff. What is wrong with you? And yeah… I haven’t been back.

  88. }}} me: Are there also robots that ignore deadlines for you, and cyborgs that fuck shit up more efficiently? Because I’m fairly good at that, but honestly? I think there’s room for improvement.

    There’s an app for that, now.

  89. I recently thought – you need a like button on your posts. I don’t always have something to say, but if you had a button that said – that’s freaking awesome – I’d like to click it sometimes (I clearly spend too much time on facebook). Then I realized, no… I’d like to click it all the time. On every post. So maybe it’s not totally necessary.

    Also, some might consider it conceited… Until they read you!

    Sending Monday love.

  90. Hmm it appears like your site ate my first comment (it
    was super long) so I guess I’ll just sum it up
    what I had written and say, I’m thoroughly enjoying your blog.
    I too am an aspiring blog blogger but I’m still new to everything.

    Do you have any tips for inexperienced blog writers? I’d genuinely
    appreciate it.

  91. Just reading your book, thought I’d comment on the post you included. I can tell you what helped me overcome much of my anxiety and it was taking an anthropology class about 12 years ago. That probably sounds weird but it gave me a new identity: primate. Suddenly, everyone was a monkey (ape, really) on a walk, buying groceries, making dinner. My husband and I were two monkeys watching TV with a cat. When I said something embarrassing and moved to psychologically destroy myself afterwards, it became, “Well, you’re a monkey and monkeys are very social so of course you would prefer to have everyone’s approval.” Bad hair day? “Self, you’re a primate. Do monkeys have perfect hair? Nope. Done.”
    I grew up in a religious family and as a woman, that can lead to sexual repression. It becomes easy to smack down shame when you’re like “Dude, I’m a monkey.”
    An anthropology class might not work for everybody, but it TOTALLY changed my life.

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