So…yeah.
I don’t even know where to start except to say “Thank you.” Thank you for making me feel less alone. Thank you for giving myself permission to have as much compassion for myself as I do others. Thank you for reminding all of the rest of us that we’re each fighting our own battle and that we deserve more than just a few days of I-AM-KICKING-ASS happiness a month.
I’m still reading the comments. I’m still trying to figure out a solution. I’m still looking at the books and goals and therapies you suggested. But the one thing that seemed to come out more often than anything was the fact that we judge ourselves by incredibly high standards that are unattainable or which are impossible to keep up without crashing. We remember the things we didn’t do well and seldom congratulate ourselves on the things we do fantastically. Even in success we don’t give ourselves the chance to really appreciate what we’ve done and what we have. And that’s why I’m going to do two things.
First, I’m going to lower the goddam bar, because right now it seems so high that it scares the shit out of me and I get paralyzed and I end up accomplishing nothing. Instead, I’m going to try to set more attainable goals. Instead of “finishing a book” I’m going to “work on a chapter”. Instead of cleaning out the garage I’m going to clear off my desk. Instead of staring at the 320 things on my To-Do list, I’m going to spend the day answering the emails I’ve been avoiding.
The second thing I’m going to do is to celebrate my small victories and scratch out all the things that make me unable to see them without shame.
This year I lost 42 pounds, but I’m still really overweight.
I went to the Parent-Teacher meeting and I was the only parent who didn’t know anyone there.
I got invited to speak at a lot of conferences but I turned 90% of them down because I’m scared to talk.
I’m writing my second book but it’s different from my first and maybe people will hate it.
I have to take a shitload of drugs so that I am normal.
And then there’s this:
Last week a woman asked if she could buy one of my weekly-wrap-up spots to promote her zombie-game kickstarter but I turned her down because I didn’t have any spots left. She thanked me anyway, and then she sent me one of the cards they’re working on for the game.
It’s a motherfucking zombie me, y’all.
And as I looked at it I realized that maybe I’m not that great at being a person, but I’d probably be a kick-ass zombie and perhaps I’m just in the wrong occupation. Then Victor pointed out that “flesh-eating zombie is not an occupation“, but I assume he just thinks that because he judges work based on paychecks rather than on personal fulfillment, and then I told him that he just didn’t understand because he’s a Republican, and he countered that even Democrats usually recognize that being a zombie is not a vocation to strive for, and that’s why I’m looking into becoming a Libertarian. Regardless, looking at that zombie portrait I realized that if I was a zombie I’d be out eating people right this second, and that would be a shitty thing to do. It ruins everyone’s day and is probably not sanitary or covered by insurance. Plus, I assume people taste gross. I had steak tar-tar once and I thought I was going to vomit on the plate, and I ended up cooking each piece with my lighter and I almost set the tablecloth on fire. The point is, even if I accomplish nothing today, I didn’t eat anyone. That is a win. For everyone.
The bottom-line is, there’s something very nice (and vaguely Stuart Smalley) about affirming something you accomplished and also recognizing something awful you avoided. I highly recommend it.
I’ll go first.
This week I wrote two pages in my new book and I don’t hate them. Also, I didn’t eat anyone.
Now you.
PS. The zombie-kickstarter game people didn’t pay me anything for this and, in fact, I ended up sending them money to fund their project. This might seem generous, but keep in mind that they sent me a zombie portrait even after I told them that I wasn’t able to help them at all. Sometimes kindness just begets kindness and just keeps going. And sometimes that kindness needs to start with yourself. Be nice to you. I like you. I will not eat you. (Unless you want me to and we’re starving to death on a deserted island and you’re already dying of something. Then I might eat you. But I would cook you first. Because you are worth it.)
Today I didn’t get dressed and I have eaten mostly bread with ginger curd on it, but I did wash up some dishes and make a list of all the things I’m going to achieve when I start achieving things next. And I didn’t eat anyone, and I didn’t set anything on fire or drop half a grapefruit skin on my foot and squeal because it felt like brains (that was yesterday). So I’m chalking that up as a successful day off from overachieving.
I went to the Parent-Teacher meeting and I was the only parent who didn’t know anyone there.
^ this was me yesterday if you sub “Parent-Teacher meeting” with Ballet Lesson. ALL the other mothers in the room talking to each other and asking about how the lake was and then talking about their 3 year olds in Montessori PreK and I felt like shit because A- I didn’t know ANYONE and B- my 4 year old isn’t in PreK at all, let alone Montessori. So there’s that.
But both of my kids were good enough they didn’t make me want to pull my hair out and I actually did get to play with them and enjoy the evening. Even if they did eat chicken nuggets on the couch and I ate beer for dinner.
Your post from yesterday was so the story of my life that it made my heart hurt, but it made me feel better about myself, too. Awesome people have massive doubts. Awesome people have to take medication to be normal and still spend days on the sofa, like me. Awesome people are still awesome.
This week I cleaned up a phenomenal amount of bodily excrement from multiple sick mammals and I really feel like maybe I deserve some sort of award for not completely losing my shit.
Also, I’m a libertarian. Zombie is totally an occupation we recognize. I’m pretty sure it’s listed under “Food Service.”
That portrait needs curlers,
and a cat on its head.
Today I gave myself a break. Best accomplishment ever.
This week I didn’t hurt myself. I took a couple naps, showed compassion, patience and tolerance during two very difficult moments and didn’t eat marshmallows straight out of the bag because my craving for sugar got the best of me. YAY ME!
Today I confirmed that I get to move out of my shitty apartment and into a nicer, newer, brighter and shinier apartment. And I didn’t scream at anyone at all to make that happen.
This week I started a new short story for the first time in years and it might suck and even if it does suck that’s okay because it’s something new. I hardly even hate it right now.
Today I put on dirty clothes to go out for lunch with my friend, but first I hung up artwork I’ve been to lazy to hang for months (ok, ok, over a year. Shut up.)
I find this web site super-helpful for attitude-correcting realism. http://www.unfuckyourhabitat.com It’s aimed at people who need help getting their physical environment clean, but I think the methods can be adapted to just about any project. Hugs!!
Today I had lunch with my sister, we didn’t fight. I made someone at work laugh. I didn’t eat anyone. A very good day.
Today I started an FAQ for myself at work so I don’t have to keep asking the same questions over and over. Last night, I actually washed some dishes. The cats haven’t starved and my child is healthy. Oh, and I paid my rent on time 3rd month in a row. I’m on a roll!
today i stayed in my pajamas and bathrobe all day. because i could 🙂 and i refuse to feel guilty about that!
Sweet pic!
Today I held my phone under my chin while pulling up my pants and I didn’t drop it into the toilet. Twice.
Also, I put on makeup.
I was nominated for PTA President this week, and eventhough I know I won’t win, because I’m the “weird mom” and all the other moms hate me – I’m still kind of proud that my kid’s teacher thinks I’m cool.
Today I couldn’t get a single dentist to accept payment plans since I’m currently jobless and broke and in an incredible amount of pain – but I didn’t take my anger/frustration/shame/pain out on my fiance when my bi-polar walls got broken down. I did cry though and that’s okay.
This week, I have accomplished a pile of tiny things and finished off some big ones. I have not yet called anyone an asshat to their face.
Oh, and you’re following me on Twitter now, so I feel special from that. (Not allowing myself a comment about stepping up my game now that you’re reading…another victory).
I’m with Amber – I lean Libertarian and Zombie is totally valid as an occupation.
Also I did the photography part of my job this morning without rationalizing how I could just as easily do it tomorrow (well, I did a leeeetle rationalizing but I persevered)(also persevered in my head looks like pre-severed which makes me think of Dexter and then back again to zombies).
Also ALSO my kids made it through the week alive so I feel good about that accomplishment.
Speaking of zombies, today I finished translating a bad zombie movie which I am viewing back now for quality control purposes (my job sometimes is awesome, like when I had to spend hours and hours staring at John Barrowman or Alexander Skårsgard, who tend to be naked a lot) and I was not viciously scratched by my kitten for no reason like yesterday. Instead, I catnapped with my older, way more proper cat Sammy on the recliner and we both enjoyed the blanket I used to cover myself with. Tomorrow I’m gonna go look for a wig for my Halloween costume because I’m gonna be a fierce drag queen (hey, all those hours spent watching RuPaul’s Drag Race and Drag U were educational after all! Who knew?)
Even though my kids are driving me crazy, I did not lose my shit at them and didn’t duct tape them to the wall.
Wait, cross out the “didn’t duct tape them to the wall” part.
I am kidding.
Maybe.
I cut myself some slack and don’t feel bad about it. I have a mostly weekly column and with the first week of school I just couldn’t finish it so I wrote to them and was honest and everything is shockingly fine. I mostly predict Armageddon.
I am thankful for your honesty.
That zombie art is so good. I’m in for the kickstarter.
I told my children I loved them many, many times (even if I was short tempered at times). And I paid bills! I just have some weird thing about hating to simply sit down and do it, but I did!
Today I went to work. I also listened to entire album of Rodrigo y Gabriela, which I discovered yesterday thanks to Chookooloonks, and it made me so dancy.
Awesomesauce follow up, and one I really needed.
Today, I have worked on my walking stick project and posted some stuff on my tumblr, my friend the Professor of Rhetoric told me something I wrote was really good, and I also have not eaten anyone. Woot! wins all around I would say.
I managed to get through the whole day without having a panic attack about my current relationships! I’m even happy today!
Dancey*. Because I need to correct my made up word spelling mistake.
I didn’t projectile vomit green pea soup at anyone this week………. there’s that.
This is so difficult! 🙁 It’s a very worthy exercise though and I’m going to try and employ it next time the self-esteemasuarus rex kicks my ass. Thank for sharing your affirmations.
Today I practiced life. I am getting better at it.
This week I let several extremely hurtful things that were said to me go because I knew that wasn’t what the person that said them really meant. And I haven’t beaten myself up today for having too much anxiety to answer yesterday’s post. So yeah. Go me!
Today I worked on two things that needed working on without freaking out about them.
Also, I avoided having homicidal tendencies while riding the bus, so lots of people managed to get to work without dying.
Today I’m working in a bathing suit top because I forgot to do laundry and I have no more clean bras. BUT I made my husband laugh with my theory that he dropped a carton of eggs because they were evil, sentient eggs and that we were better off not having to eat them. So that makes my day a success.
Please, can I send you one of these? It’s a Morse code necklace with your own words… and I think it applies. It’s enough that you are you, and it’s ice cream on the cake that we all get to read your blog and feel like we know you even when we’ve never met you. (Well, I guess I did get to meet you at a book-signing once.)
I teach college classes, and reading your stories has made me a lot more sensitive to what my students might be going through when they start to struggle with class. Thank you, and on behalf of my students, thank you more.
https://www.etsy.com/listing/154860257/morse-code-red-dress-necklace-in-honor
Today I walked the dog and arrived to work on time. That’s what I have for today….
I have a list of ways to be kind to myself:
1. Tell people no when I need to make room for my own needs.
2. When I discover a behavior/though/feeling/feature about myself that I don’t like, take it simply as information, not judgement.
3. Nurture my harsh inner voice as I would an injured child.
4. Don’t compare myself to others.
5. Replace negatives with positives (which is a lot like your shame exorcism list above).
6. Remember that perfection is an illusion.
“…Then I might eat you. But I would cook you first. Because you are worth it.) ”
I had no idea how much I needed to hear that today. Thanks.
Back attcha.
I came to work, I critiqued a chapter for a writer friend, I’m looking over one of my own that is not shit. I’m filling out an application for a book signing event that is expected to draw a lot of attention, so they won’t have room for all the authors who want to attend. I probably won’t get picked, but at least I’m making the effort to fill out the application.
I have made no meaningful progress whatsoever today, but I did manage to get a gift for the birthday party my daughter will attend tomorrow. That’s all I really needed to do…
(I’m pleased to hear you sound much lighter in spirit today – and you lost 42 pounds? That’s amazing! I can’t wait to read all the pages you didn’t hate, too. I didn’t eat anyone either, but I find that a pretty easy thing to do.)
Okay, I did eat someone today, but it was only one and they had it coming. I will endeavor to go the entire weekend without a repeat. Otherwise, I unpacked two boxes from the move, got two loads hauled up the impossibly narrow stairs, a load of laundry on the line, and a load of dishes in the drainer. And dog pee cleaned off the washer.
All in all, this is shaping up to be a winner of a day.
Terri
Today I walked for an hour with two good friends and then instead of rushing back to our lives we stopped for coffee and talked for three more hours. Then I came home, ate a healthy lunch, and finished writing up information for a project I’m doing that terrifies me– but I’m doing it anyway.
This was a particularly good day and I haven’t even had a nap yet!
Today I gave blood… not to a vampire, but to a blood center, where I know it will go to help someone (not just perpetuate the vampire race).
At a CBT course I took for anxiety they taught us the mantra, “Aim Low” I try to remember that whenever I’m going into a failure-spiral. Try is the operative word, but sometimes it helps to pull me out.
This week I finished a story I wrote by the intended deadline. I didn’t eat the entire bag of M&Ms that is currently in my cupboard. Or murder anyone.
This week of managing the chaos of five kids back in school and a husband recovering from mo-fo EYE surgery and me, having this killer autoimmune bullshit that makes me want to Thelma & Louise but I don’t…
I took it upon myself to take two full days of doing glorious SFA. I sat my I’ve-earned-this-ass on the couch and even watched TWO zombie movies. Very apropos, eh?
Today I’m nauseated and hurting and feelings like a fucking basket case. I keep apologizing to the people around me for having to put up with me. But it’s NOT my fault and they love me anyway so I’m going to try to stop doing that. I will also strive not to eat anyone, I think I can do that from bed. =)
Jenny, you are … ALL of us. We ALL have this tendency to look at everyone else and think they have their shit together because their clothes look great and they’re thinner than us and everything looks great on Facebook, but guess what? Facebook is the biggest farce ever, and they all have the same doubts as us (unless they really ARE just that shallow and rich, but I try not to let myself go there). I tell myself that they are probably looking right back at me and thinking, now why can’t I be as cool/thin/hip/funny/pretty as THAT lady? They just don’t show it; just like me– so I just pretend I’m cooler than them, because I’m rocking cut-offs and flipflops whenever I FEEL like it, (so there:P). Even though I secretly know I’m the same dorky kid I always was, I pretend I’m not, and tah-dah, no one can see it– so, we’re even.
I didn’t eat anyone lately either, except this bitchy customer yesterday who I was happy to eviscerate online, which made me feel SO MUCH BETTER. She wouldn’t have tasted good anyway, she was so bitter! lol Keep on not eating people– you’re doing great! stef
Once again, we all love you, Jenny.
Won’t you do the same?
As for me, I’m walking away from writing because my career has crashed and burned worse then the Hindenburg. Doing so has left me more time for my awesome family.
So there you have it: I’m not going to kid myself any longer and my daughter gets more time with her dad.
Win-win, no?
I completed the 24 day blog challenge with 25 posts! AND I began actually publicizing my blog, and in two weeks, have 102 ‘Likes’ on my blog’s FB page (https://www.facebook.com/notdrinkingcoffee)! Whee!
Today I didn’t tidy up the house or do anything productive… and i’m totally okay with that.
Something accomplished: wrote a blog post tribute to my stepmother who just lost her fight against MS.
Something avoided: When my hypochondriac and paranoid coworker complained that her non-organic banana was probably covered in pesticides, I refrained from telling her bananas contain natural radioactivity, EVEN THOUGH she would probably have run out to buy a radiation badge to monitor her lifetime banana exposure.
I love the idea of breaking down a brief to-do list into smaller parts so that you can feel accomplished for each part of a bigger task. For example, “1. Eat ice cream” becomes 1. go to the store, 2. buy ice cream, 3. go home, 4. put it in your favorite bowl, 5. eat ice cream. FIVE whole things to cross off! What a wonderful set of accomplishments.
This week, I’ve been complimented on doing a wonderful job at work at least three times. And I’ve worked at least a little bit on my novel every day.
Small victories. We are all wonderful people.
Today I woke up, I enjoyed being me and didn’t kill anyone. I managed to not overdraft my bank account this week and I am starting a new job next week. Things are looking up. Thank you for helping us all realize we aren’t alone! ^5!! =D
Today I found a crochet pattern to try for a new moogle, got dressed, went to the used bookstore (and found both movies I wanted), dropped off a timecard, and returned sheet dividers at staples. Now, I’ll see how far I get on laundry and dishes… and then crochet.
All of you are inspiring, and it’s amazing to not be alone…
This week: 1) I didn’t max out any credit cards 2) None of my CRC’s (Creatures Requiring Care – includes my son and my two dogs and sometimes my husband) starved or dehydrated 3) I committed to the attendance of a social gathering despite it being a huge pain in the ass to attend because I know that in the end, I will be glad I went and 4) I didn’t actually gain any weight. I mean, I didn’t weigh myself or anything, I’m just guessing. But I feel pretty confident in the guess. All in all, I’m pretty sure I kicked this week’s ass.
I also didn’t eat anyone today. I also watched Project Runway and Duck Dynasty. Hey, you gotta start somewhere. At least I put on pants, well they’re kind of pants. Maybe I should say at least I covered up my ass.
Today I read a book for class and put away the laundry that’s been sitting on my floor for over a week.
Yeah, I’ve noticed that I set impossibly high standards for myself, too. Standards that I don’t apply to anyone else. I’m trying to stop.
I didn’t eat anyone today, either. Go us!
I made it to work every day this week, even though my hips feel like they are being ripped off due to being 9 months pregnant. AND I didn’t tell my boss off at all this week, which is lucky for him (and me because I kind of like having a job and getting paid). (=
Wow. I just read these two posts. So, I had a 6-figure income, then my husband died, who’d been sick for years and got really, really sick towards the end so I was holding on to this hi-pressure management job AND helping my husband put on his shoes and button his shirt before I left for work. After he died, I fell apart. I took some time off work, and when I was ready to go back, it was 2008 and there were NO JOBS. And because my husband told me I knew nothing about finances and I believed him I didn’t budget anything and I ran through $100K insurance settlement, lost my house, ended up living with friends, then moved up to the mountains to live on the property of a woman who was absent for the first three months, then when she arrived I found out she was crazy, and not in a good way like you and me, and I had NO money, not like some people have money in the bank and say they have no money, but like I had $2 to put in the gas tank to drive 30 miles to go get my food stamps because all I had in the pantry was some spaghetti and some eggs. No sauce, just spaghetti. And I didn’t have the money to continue taking Prozac. I had written a book called “Oops, You’re Dead” about surviving surgery, but no agent wanted it even though anyone who needs surgery needs to read this book. So I was far away, I had literally no money, and spent most of the day napping or reading books.
Then I started doing gratefuls. Every day I HAD to find 10 things to be grateful about. Most days it was really, really hard, especially in the beginning. I was reduced to being grateful that I can see (which I am, but when that’s number 3, you’re life really sucks). But every day, I had to find 10 things to be grateful for. And I started looking for things to put on the list because the list was really hard. And my boyfriend took me away from the crazy lady by saying he’d move in with me in another town and pay my rent. And I went to therapy to find out my husband sucked at finances and that making a budget is not that hard. And I found a job because the economy was getting better, and my boyfriend put our move to Chico on the credit card. And I started working again, and paying off my debts, and getting back on track, and working out even. All because I had to list 10 things every night that I was grateful for, and because I wanted to get my life back on track. Then I started making mottos: No More Drama (the way you have no more drama is to take care of yourself, all the time, up front, every day. Put gas in the car instead of being freaked out that you’ll run out of gas. Take your meds on time. Eat.) So I started taking better care of myself. And finding 10 things I was grateful for every day. Then I started working on getting all the crap-ass critical voices in my head to SHUT UP. I would think something positive and then think something that was critical – like you with your list where you crossed out stuff. ALL THE TIME. So I started telling those voices to Shut UP, and it’s been working. It’s been three years 5 years, and now I’m back at the top of my game professionally, I make a great salary again, I paid for my boyfriends’ rent for as long as he paid for mine, and I’m still paying back the credit card debt, but I’ll be clear in less than a year. My current motto is: I’m too old for this shit, which I came up with because I was worried that my new fiction writing will not be good enough. I’m too old for this shit of not believing in myself. I’ve found it’s a great motto because it applies to a lot of other things in my life. I’ve had those days when I didn’t have enough energy to change the britta filter. And now things are amazing. And I appreciate my life. It’s still a process, but it’s AWESOME, and for me the grateful thing really worked, but you have to stop the voices that degrade it. My boyfriend made up this rule that he would do gratefuls, but he had to be greatful TO somebody, and I said, “why not just be grateful?” and he said, that would just like being glad, and I said, what’s wrong with that?
I love your writing, I love your honesty, I love your community. Stay strong and know that you are loved.
Today, I tipped my waiter 100% at lunch after quietly observing so many other patrons being RUDE. Regardless of their tip, it doesn’t cost anything to just be NICE. I also did yoga for the second day in a row. I only made it 35 minutes into an hour long practice, but that is 5 minutes longer than I made it yesterday. I also didn’t eat anyone. I attribute this to the yoga. 😉
“Be nice to you.” – that’s a very important thing to remember. Yet so easy to forget.
Baby steps are huge accomplishments. I break my to-do list down every time it seems to be overwhelming and make a rule of three items a day being accomplished. Sometimes a good day is 1) put forks away 2) send one email 3) spray paint starfish
today I never got out of my pajamas…my friend came over and there was laundry clean and dirty all over the house..(she is a neat freak) and I didn’t care.
My son stayed home sick from school and had puked on the carpeted stairs the night before. I threw a towel over it until I could get to it today. Its my hubbys birthday and you know what..instead of cleaning up puke and taking a shower..I made him lasagna for his b-day and a key lime pie for dessert..cause in REAL life sometimes you just gotta step over the puke a couple of times and know that you will get to it..and you will live..I am pretty damn happy that I am not one of those put together moms that have to be perfect all the time cause DAMN that has got to be a lot of work and I would rather drink a glass of wine and watch dr who with the hubby than clean up puke any day or make sure my house is spot less or everybodys laundry is folded and put away..THAT SUCKS!!…..so kudos to loving what you can do and not hating what you can’t ……………..cause dammit..your worth it.
Have a BEAUTIFUL day!! 🙂
Karin
This week I have not called anyone a douchebagasshat… yay me!
My biggest accomplishment though was getting my son to do his chores and his punishment (for not cleaning
the bathroom and bedroom for over a month and for not putting away his clean laundry) done without him stalling, crying, telling me I hate him and that he’s going to run away… another Yay Me! and Yay Ryan!
No one said raising a teenager was going to be easy, but there are some days I wonder if I’m going to make it through… especially when there is Math homework. *12 pages of Pre-Algebra homework induces massive brain trauma in woman who graduated 20 yrs ago… her last words were- What is this new new math… percents to fractions to decimals to the ___th power, integers… help me… KABOOOOM… More on that story at ten.* I just don’t get the new new math. They make it harder so that we older ppl can feel moronic again and our kids can justify not wanting to do their homework… that’s what it is.
BTW, Zombie you is wickedly awesome.
I completed our computer allocations which have been on my list for the last three months. And I have NOT reached an age where fart jokes are no longer funny. 🙂
Today, the cat and I enjoyed a Harry Potter movie marathon. Some might not think this is a big deal but since I think the cat is out to murder me, this is a huge step towards us living together without killing or attempting to kill one another.
And just like that you turn your thinking around. Today is my birthday and The Bloggess commented on my blog, so pretty sure the Zombies are coming! 😉 This day is made of awesome.
I loved what you wrote about crossing off the half of the sentence that brings you down and works to chip away and negate the good part of the string. We all need to do that.
Not only have i not killed anyone or quit my job in a rage, i sat down and documented the entire process of how to do my weekly metrics. Four handwritten pages. But at least now it’s documented for 1) if i get hit by a bus, 2) when i do finally quit in a rage, 3) i can show this to my boss and go THIS IS CRAZYSAUCE and hopefully get the ball rolling on some more automation of this shit.
Today I made my bed, showered, got dressed, and made myself a bow tie necklace (because bow ties are cool). I did not write any job applications, brush my hair, or eat something other than a chocolate bar for lunch…but if I put away the laundry covering my desk, I’ll call today a win.
And thank you for your post yesterday. As someone who fails at being a functioning human (let alone a proper, successful adult) about 98% of the time…it was very reassuring to find out that everyone else pretty much fails too.
Today I didn’t shame myself for sleeping in and the kids missing the bus. Or the fact that we delivered fast food breakfast sandwiches because we didn’t have time to cook anything. They still ate, they survived and no one screamed at us.
The best part about small goals is that when you fix to do something small and it gets done you feel awesome. By the time you accomplish a goal that’s too big you’re exhausted, or you made yourself sick trying to achieve it. That’s my theory and I’m sticking to it.
Let’s see: Mindless, violence-prone, thinks brains are for eating and not thinking with… maybe zombies ARE Republicans? 🙂 You have to think that they would be opposed to Obamacare, since it would heal people rather than render them food-adjacent, but on the other hand, I have to think that zombies would be anti-2nd Amendment, so maybe you’re right about the Libertarian thing.
I am in awe of the fact that you have written a book, maintain a kick-ass blog AND write columns AND raise an amazing kid WITH an equally amazing husband. I work full-time in a job that I like (most of the time), and my husband is definitely amazing, but I don’t have the discipline to write, and I don’t have a child to worry about (my stepdaughter is 23 and self-sufficient and pretty kick-ass herself, so she doesn’t require my daily attention). Never doubt that you rock.
My house currently looks like a dorm room. One of these days we’ll clean up from the most recent move and figure out how to maintain some civilized level of neatness, but today is not that day. And I’m (mostly) OK with that.
Today I put on my jeans and found shoes for two out of my three children to wear. That, my friends, is called a parenting win.
Good, because I don’t think I would taste good raw. At least not without some sea salt and maybe some wasabe.
A friend of mine posts “one simple thing” on her facebook page every day. It could be eat fruit that day, or be nice to someone (don’t eat anyone today??). I don’t always do the “one thing” but it’s a nice concept: we set ridiculous goals for ourselves way too often. What’s wrong with my accomplishment being “ate a box of chocolates while watching Dr. Who ALL DAMN DAY”?
NOTHING. That’s the right answer. 😉
Today, in the aftermath of discovering my 15-y/o son was looking at Internet porn, again, I decided to not be that “nice” mom anymore who caves in too easily on the consequences for my children’s misconduct, that mom who always wants to believe in her children’s ability to keep their promises, and become that mom who can accept the reality that they are teenage boys, who think with the small head now, and institute a state of Martial Law here at home. This is going to be hard because I want them to “like” me and not “like” their dad better, the dad who never has to deal with “real life” with his sons. I am doing this for them, because I love them, and because obviously the other parenting method does not work with teenage boys.
On a brighter note, I got out of bed and showered. I also didn’t eat anyone. BTW that Zombie picture is AMAZING!
ADD, anxiety, and depression can be crippling…I understand, as I too live with them every day. I pray to the Universe that you just keep swimming, Jenny! You have an Army of supporters out here that love and admire you for all that you do and for keeping it real!
Today I have given myself permission to take the day off from trying to do anything.
I am really glad I commented with the massively overly long comment yesterday because even if no one else read through the whole thing, I reminded myself that I am not lazy, I am just fighting my own battle with my body to try and recover my health. Unfortunately it did end up causing a migraine that lasted from while I was typing the comment all the way through the middle of the night sometime I am not even sure of.
I still have some head pain, so being on the computer may not be the brightest idea, but it was important to me to know if you were doing better, and I am glad you are, and I am glad you are trying to acknowledge the small victories. Sometimes it feels like those or the only ones we have, so we have to celebrate them whenever we can.
five months and im still breast feeding!!! weee!
I went home sick today, something I never do for myself, and actually went to the doctor. Yay strep for making me take care of myself!
I went to the meeting I was dreading last night. I packed my bag for the gym ( but left it at home by accident – I SWEAR) and I didn’t eat anyone. WIN!
Yesterday I gave my boyfriend a hug and a kiss for being so understanding after the tough exhausting week I’ve had. I knew once again how lucky I was to have found him.
I dropped my son off at kindergarten today wearing an inside out baseball cap. I didn’t tell him he couldn’t wear a hat in school (which would probably crush him since he likes his own “oddball” style) , which I think is the rule, but because it’s inside out…. and in my eyes, that means it’s like the opposite of the disrespect that hat wearers are trying to convey. He’s all like, hey, look in my hat, on my head. You’re welcome, I like you too.
And I don’t have any plans to eat anyone today. I mean, the day is still young so I’m not going to make any promises. But still… baby steps.
I didn’t comment on the post yesterday because I am one of those “feels like I am kicking ass” most days of the month. Today I was planning to have a moderately kick ass day and then I got the call that my grandmother had passed away. I am now comforting myself with some deserved ice cream and trying not to think about writing up comments for her funeral. The point of this ramble is to say that even we “got it all together and taking on the world” sorts can get dropped to our knees on a moments notice. It’s so true that we should treat everyone with kindness because we have no idea the battles others are facing.
Today I didn’t trade my child for a stick of gum, and I also brushed my teeth and washed my hair. It’s a damned Christmas miracle.
This week I completed a spreadsheet that took me 15 hours but I FINISHED it. Dammit.
And I didn’t accidentally trip over either of my kids, and I didn’t entirely and completely melt down when my son was mad at me and said he wanted to be in a different family.
And I made a halfway decent dinner this week that every member of my family ate (a pretty big accomplishment in our household).
Yay me. Now I want to sleep.
Every time I come here and read your blog I think to myself what a blessing you really are…you just need to believe and if it takes baby steps, then we’ll all hold your hand along the way.
You make me smile on the shittiest day, in fact, you are AWESOME at it.
Hugs to you and yours
Today decided on paint colors for my sons “big boy room” and took the rooms measurements to figure out how much paint we need.
I cleaned my living room so it was presentable for parents dropping daycare kids off even though the kids are going to pull them all back out anyway.
And! (A huge accomplishment for me) I ate breakfast even though I felt aweful from vomiting all moning. I’m pregnant, not hung over. I have hyperemesis, like Kate middleton did. And still manage to keep myself, my unborn child, born child, and 4 other peoples kids alive everyday. I guess that is something to be proud of too.
I just folded and put away laundry in spite of breaking my toe this morning! I didn’t snap at my husband when he annoyed me.
I’m one of those annoying people who periodically does something flashy that you might find on Pinterest or Facebook like a cool costume, a funny Christmas card, or an adorable pregnancy announcement. Then, I feel guilty because people think I have life figured out and that I’m super happy because of the highlights they see online. They have no idea how hard life feels for me most of the time as I battle depression and anxiety. I do those “highlights” to feel better about my sad life. This is the confession of that person online who makes you jealous and self-conscious. Don’t compare your worst moments with their best ones.
Those are great behavioral goals! Thank you for this post AND the last.
I haven’t had a cigarette in 5 weeks, hurt myself in months, and I’ve gone to all my classes this semester. Also, I haven’t eaten anyone.. being gay, this is actually something to work on.
On the subject of kindness and coping, I tend to hide in bathroom stalls before and after my classes listening to either cheesy calming or pump-up music. This morning I was caught out and awkwardly explained why I had been head banging to Whitney Houston. Instead of mocking me or ignoring me and fleeing, the girl who I’d just scared told me she did exactly the same thing AND complimented my smooth dance moves. Coming away from any social interaction with a positive feeling? I am rooting for you and me and everyone out there tearing themselves up
The cynical voice in my head says “Yeah Whitney Houston is a great role model” but the one I’m going to listen to says “Girl can take tragedy and turn it into a happening gay club. I’m going to do that too!”
today, I Got Out Of Bed…And MoWed The Edge Of My Front Yard
I took the dog for 2 walks every day, while working full time, and the kitchen is still picked up.
This week I started a new blog. I’d deleted mine in February and while I don’t regret it because it was time, I did very much miss writing.
I called my doctors office and fought for what I need and even thought they gave it to me, I also managed to find myself a new doctor.
I got up, showered, got dressed and worked today, instead of staying in bed and watching Bones on Netflix, which is what I wanted to do since it’s my new find (turned it on for the first time on Saturday…am now halfway on season two) show that I’m obsessed with and need to finish all eight seasons like now.
Love to All. Thats it. Just love to all of you today.
I LOVE you, and I won’t eat you. Promise.
I wore mfing grown up clothes to work today because I was chairing a meeting of people waaay higher than me on the work totem pole. I look fabulous. The meeting was quick, smooth and painless.
I’m having a good hair day too.
Today I went running (OK, more like waddling) with my husband. I only half a small bowl of potato chips. Actually LESS than half. And I worked on feeling LESS like an imposter. Thank you for that.
I designed a wedding album. I may even do laundry!
Isn’t it awful how hard we can be on ourselves?!? I feel like I never accomplish ANYTHING, even when I’ve spent the entire day re-folding laundry that my 2-year-old threw all over the den and cleaning up chocolate pudding he stole out of the fridge and painted our kitchen with while I was re-folding said laundry. Hubby just doesn’t get it and seems to think it’s just as easy as washing/drying/folding/putting away a load at a time because he’s never spent the entire day home with a whirling dervish of a 2-year-old and had people expect him to not only keep the bottomless pit fed and clean, but also to keep up the house, AND accomplish an 8-hour day of schoolwork!
That said, I frequently put pants on over the shorts I slept in so that I can take my 7-year-old to the bus stop, my hair is lucky if it sees shampoo 4 times a week, I haven’t bought myself any new clothes in years because I can’t stand the thought of trying to get into a fitting room while I have my sons with me, I joined the PTA last year but never attended a single meeting because the thought of being judged by all those alpha moms made me break out in a cold sweat, AND, you can pretty much put money on the fact that at some point during the school year, I’ll forget to sign and mail some forms for my son’s school, so they’ll have to send me another copy and call me to remind me about it.
Don’t let your brain trick you into thinking you are any less awesome just because you aren’t capable of the impossible…we all love you for who you are!
An article addressing exactly what you say ending with the BEST. Advice. Ever. When will we learn, indeed…
http://www.sowonderfulsomarvelous.com/2013/06/moms-when-are-you-going-to-learn.html
I didn’t eat anyone either. I haven’t cried today. I color-coordinated the shit out of our vacation calender. I found a neat app that suggests restaurants to try. I’m going to snuggle my nephews later and maybe even get dressed up and go out to a bar (not with my nephews; they’re 17+ years too young for that).
I just printed out “even if I accomplish nothing today, I didn’t eat anyone.”in a fancy-schmancy font and put it on my fridge. It speaks to me.
This week I didn’t whack anyone up side the head…even though I interacted with many that deserved it. Also I did a bunch of other stuff, but it’s the notwhackingpart of which that I am most proud.
I broke my kneecap but still went to work this week (from my laptop, in bed) and brushed my teeth this morning.
Work was managed, go me! I canned a bunch of my tomatoes into delicious relish, and I kept my two goals of not sitting for more than 30 minutes at work (unless I had to due to the nature of work (not surfing the ‘net)) and not going to restaurants. I made it to the gym twice, and had two days of bike commuting.
Random happy yesterday. I saw a lady running for the train & she missed it. (that’s not the happy) In the process, she dropped her beautiful scarf. I was able to re-unite them. It sucks to miss your train, you shouldn’t lose your scarf to!
Today, I didn’t cry when I found a cockroach in my living room (first time I didn’t cry when finding a roach!)
I’m so glad you’re being kinder to yourself today. I wanted to comment yesterday but I saw more than 2,000 comments and thought, “How can I compete with that?” And the truth is, I can’t. I’ve read Michelle Brower’s rules for writers so much I should have them tattooed somewhere, but the big one is: don’t compare yourself to other people. It’s a lesson I’m still working on. I spend a day working on an essay and count it as an accomplishment, and then it gets rejected and I think that I’ve wasted a whole day with nothing to show for it. What I realize in my good moments is that I tried, and trying totally counts. I tried today, and I’ll try tomorrow. Yoda’s little green ass is completely wrong: there is SO try. I hope you keep trying, too.
This week, I helped people brew beer, and that made them happy. I did not intentionally make anyone’s day worse.
I got through this week without breaking down and weeping or hiding in my bedroom. And that truly is an accomplishment. I’ve got shit going on, yo. (I really shouldn’t even joke about talking like that. I can’t pull it off).
I remembered my dentist appointment and went. I made some progress on selecting a paint color for the kitchen and I’ll pick something by the end of the day.
I got through it. I’m here. I’m not too cranky about it and if I get through next week, my life may look more normal. That will be a wonderful thing.
Hey hey! I never comment but I always read today I want to post. For the last four years my new years resolution has been “be kinder to me”. I work on keeping the bar a little lower everyday and not discounting all the positives for one small negative. I find that if i work on being kinder, when I find myself being negative you can’t really give yourself shit for being negative…defeats the purpose of being kinder to yourself LOL. If you realize in the moment that you’re not being kind to yourself you just have to stop. Some days that’s easy, some days it’s hard and it’s always a work in progress. My favorite saying right now is “be careful how you talk to yourself because you are listening”. (Don’t grow your own monster by giving it strength.) I figure I’m probably my biggest cheerleader so if I wouldn’t say it to someone else I need to stop saying it to me. That being said it’s not all unicorns farting sparkles and rainbows either!
Today I didn’t eat anyone either! In fact, I didn’t eat anything at all because I’m taking antibiotics for a sinus infection and they are totally messing with my stomach. The good news, I didn’t poop or barf on anyone out in public and I might have a lost a pound or two to boot!
Today, I got grocery shopping done. And I didn’t burn my house down.
You. Are. Amazing.
So proud.
Keep not eating people and make not being a zombie your *bitch*!
Today I went to work, and it is super stressful and so far I haven’t cried. So that is a win. And I didn’t scream at most of the people I was tempted to scream at, also a win!
And now I am going to enjoy some chicken.
I took my daughter for a walk instead of letting her watch Dora all day.
Not sure if she sees it as a win, but it was totally a parenting win!
I decided it was stupid not to take credit for ALL the really good work I was putting into a major project at work. Usually I defer to the team, and say we all did it together, or cover someone else’s ass when I’ve had to jump in and do their shit because they fucking didn’t.
So, today, I stopped doing that. I said, “Yes, I did this. All of this. And it’s good.”
I can also say I didn’t eat any people. Wins all around.
I don’t know if this is the right place to say this, but I feel silly commenting on a years old post.
So I just wanted to tell you that you are totally awesome and also to thank you because I have been really struggling lately and feeling like everything in my life was Just Too Much and that the abyss of depression was opening up behind me, ready for me to fall back in. And then last night, I remembered that depression LIES, and I came on here and printed off a bracelet, and I wrote it on myself instead of getting out the knife to cut myself and I feel a lot better for it – the abyss is still there, but I think I have a rope now, and I every time I feel myself getting overwhelmed I remember.
And oh my god I swore I wasn’t going to cry whilst I wrote this so I’m stopping now. But thank you. A lot.
I dressed casual for work today not because it’s Friday but just because I just wasn’t up to a skirt and heels and makeup and shit like that, and so far I’ve gotten 3 compliments on how hot I look. Not “it’s sure hot outside you look hot” hot but “you look HOT” hot.
AND I sat down last night and finished an outline for the novel I got one chapter into over a year ago, so now that I have an idea what it’s going to be about, I can continue writing it.
AND I went to a comedy open mic in San Marcos last night that I’d never been to before and even though there were only other open-mic comics in the audience, I didn’t give up and walk out but instead went up on stage when it was my turn. And I made the other comics laugh. So, I’m going back next Thursday.
Today I went and picked up my race packet for the Color Run 5k (in portland oregon tomorrow!). I don’t run anymore, but i’m going to walk like a champ! Plus I bought a tutu and some madonna-like, neon mesh gloves… so i’m going to sort of be awesome now!
I work as a substitute for my local school district. But not just any sub, I’m a classified sub. That means anything NON teaching. No degree or certifications. I’m a sub for the local student monitors and lunch ladies and special need Paraprofessionals, and pretty much the lowest of the low at the school. Wanna know how many people look you over or look down on you??…. Because not only are you an uneducated slag beneath them, you’re also just a SUBSTITUTE. You’re not even going to be there tomorrow, or the day after, or even a week later, and there’s no reason for them to play nice.
And yet… today I succeeded at finally getting a real position (part time!) with a real school, because I made them see how valuable I can be. I worked myself to exhaustion every day I was at this school, for an entire year, and during the summer I applied to every job they posted, to which they denied me every time. Finally this year, I’m subbing there again, and I finally got the job.
I may not have the social requirements to look good in an interview, but I have everything needed to work this job, and work it well. And there’s nothing better than finally being ASKED to stay there on a permanent basis.
It’s not much, and it’s certainly not enough… and it might not even sound like what this post is about….. but that’s what I managed. Now lets see whether I can manage this job without screwing it all up. 🙂
Today,
I showered and dressed and went to my Mawmaw’s funeral. I didn’t have any panick attacks.
I was only 5 minutes late to work. And I took time to talk to a friend of mine when I became overwhelmed with thinking about my recent breakup from the 6 yr relationship with the guy who I thought was the man of my dreams but was in reality was not.
My boyfriend of 18 years still thinks I’m cute.
This week I made a therapy appointment.
I had been trying to find a therapist who takes my insurance for a long time. And I gave up more than once when no one had evening availability. My husband and mother have pushed me to do this for years and I resisted. I don’t know why. I’ve been in therapy before and I know I like it. But making that effort and finding someone was really hard this time. And I got discouraged. Frequently. I must have “started my search” six or seven times. This time I didn’t give up. It took me more than two months of calling people three days a week to find someone. And I don’t know if we will click. But I have an appointment for Monday, and with that I have hope. I will be ok.
I adopted an elderly cat this week. Also, I managed to put on pants before supper, though I still haven’t gotten around to putting on a shirt. I also made another Kiva loan, but I don’t know if it counts because it didn’t require me to talk to people.
I went to IKEA to return some stuff and get components for other projects to get finished– something I’ve been avoiding doing because (1) the wee ones would have had a fit but more (2) my energy was zapped to hell. But they were in school and I was able to go and drag my mother who needed to be walking anyway. I, too, refrained from eating anyone even if the lady in the elevator (who was a bit of a mean nutjob) would have totally deserved it.
I would totally eat you. With some fava beans.. and some chianti..
Does that make me a bad person?
Didn’t eat any people today, but I did have a job interview. That all by itself was enough to do for today.
This week I sorted out the paperwork to start the statementing process (required to get my autistic son the educational support he needs.) This week I managed not to completely lose it after surviving a 7 1/2 week summer break from nursery with an adorable but wilful bundle of energy and mischief.
I went to the dentist and got a cavity filled. As far as I’m concerned, I have met my quota for adulting today. I also have not eaten anyone. Yet.
I ate something green. Something that was SUPPOSED to be green, rather than something that had turned green from neglect.
Today I slept in; and rather than feeling guilty about not waking up to can tomatos before work at eight, or exercise like Bootcamp friggin’ Barbie (you know “that” friend) I successfully cuddled all three of my cats without choking to death on cat hair.
And I fed the tomatos to the chickens. Because they needed vitamins, and not because I am a lazy bum. Really.
Today is Rosh HaShannah, the Jewish New Year, that will begin 5774. I managed to get dressed and go to shul even though it sucks without my husband.
In all of those 5774 years, no artist has ever lived who has not doubted their own ability. No artist has ever lived who hasn’t at one time or another, thought he/she wasn’t a fraud/phony/bad at art/bad at relationships/bad at living. And no artist who has ever lived has had great amounts of confidence and/or self-esteem. Any artist who hasn’t gone through the above gyrations is probably a lousy artist since good art comes out of the whole expressive/depressive experience gestalt thing.
That said, while we might all be grotesquely normal _for artists_, it doesn’t make expression any easier. However, your “to-do” looks pretty good to me…but hey! I’m an artist. Whadda I know?
Dear Lowering the Bar,
I swear your 2 past posts were my this week’s Thursday 11 a.m. 58 minutes therapy session, and maybe you were secretly hiding under Christy Mc34567’s semi-tidy desk with the no longer lucky, dying bamboo on it that I gave her as a present earlier this year because I am convinced she saves my life every week. If I were to catalogue my multiple mental illnesses and consnarted past mistakes here it would read like a book, and I want to write a book anyway and be rich and worthy of the snobby literary world, so I won’t bore you until later when my book is finished. This leads me to my uber self effacing visions and obsessions of me on most days. I get it. I want to accomplish so much, and I always want said accomplishments NOW. But the problem is I don’t do a damn thing to write a book, stop drinking Diet Coke (again), lose weight, swim and walk more, and take a tad of risks. Thus, my therapist (whom I make teary-eyed often with my talk of my own self loathing) lowered my bar. By next week I’m to do something small, something I find “not good enough” and then call her after said life event is accomplished and leave her a message. I wanted to wake up early today to go walking and do some photography, but I stayed up until after 2 a.m. watching Dexter, so by the time I was planning on doing my minute, though presumable enjoyable ditty, the weather became shitty because I live in Florida. I will try again tomorrow. With all this being said, read, a long ramble, I have decided to write “little by little” (with my cupcake smelling pen) on my hand everyday. I’m far too broke to get a tattoo of these 3 words, so my sweet pen will have to do. I get it. Maybe write 3 words on your hand everyday and join me in solidarity to someday feel like we rock at least 11 days a month. It’s a step. Deal?
Today I finished the last chapter of the book I am editing. I get a paycheck now, but if we are talking about “life-affirming” work that we love to do, and that makes us happy…I did some awesome Facebook status updates while listening to Ronnie Milsap and Conway Twitty.
I sometimes wake up and wonder what it would be like to have a “normal life”. I get a little sad thinking about how my child will remember me in thirty years. Will he remember the good days, or the bad? Will he remember the small victories I had, or will he just know Mommy struggled with some “things”. I get a little sad when I see someone living the life I want to live. But more often I am sad for the things that I will miss out on because my mind tells me that I can’t do it. When I am standing on the back of the boat on the lake, I want so badly to dive over the side and rush to the bottom, hit my feet into the rocks and come back up gasping for air. Instead, I put my life-jacket on and I slide of the back of the swim deck. Maybe next summer I think.
Perhaps there is a reason we are all this way. Maybe time will tell us why, but for now, doing a load of dishes, and not killing my tomato plant is keeping me content. And you all. I like you all, a lot.
I blame commercials. Until all of us were subjected to the relentless onslaught of images featuring shiny, happy people in light-filled, impossibly clutter-free homes trying to sell us stuff, we measured ourselves against other normal joes just trying to get through their lives. Now we’re all filled with shame and on anti-depressants, and yet no one has a perfect life like on tv.
When my friend and I were both unemployed a couple years ago (as opposed to underemployed, as we are now), we would call each other everyday and say one thing we were thankful for. It could be pithy or stupid, didn’t matter. Even “I’m grateful I pooped today,” counted. Stupid as it was, it helped a bit and usually made us laugh.
Today I’m grateful the guy at Taco Bell mistakenly gave me Dr Pepper instead of Diet Pepsi, because it was f’ing delicious.
2nd comment to you ever…commenting two days in a row…and not eating anyone. Frankly I think I am done for the day.
You are everything awesome in this world. I heart you.
Today I got up. I was late for work, but not as late as I was yesterday.
Tomorrow I will not get up until I really, really want to, and only because my back hurts from staying in bed so long. I’m going to luxuriate in the delicious decadence of it like a hog in slop. I will not regret it once all day.
I will consider cleaning my bathroom, but if that ends at wiping down the counter, sink and faucet, you can either use it and shut up or use the bathroom I make my kids clean. Although I’m not sure you can tell the difference…
This week I managed not to have a panic attack over the tightness of the current household budget. I have remembered to eat something every day (I have a terrible habit of forgetting to eat that I picked up during childhood and which was re-enforced during twenty years of working in food service). And I managed to write a couple of pages in my current Work In Progress.
Today I took my daughter to the playground and managed to carry on a conversation with someone I didn’t know. And I also said something sucked balls, which doesn’t sound like a lot, but it’s huge when you’re working on not worrying about what people will think of you if you say what you’re really thinking.
I kept up with my grading…i teach at a college and even those its only week two, i am typically behind at this point. Also, on Monday I managed to avoid calling a family member bad names by just avoiding them at the family get together for Labor Day.
Today I got out of bed and showered before venturing in public. (struck-through: I did not put make up on which makes me look sickly and feel bad about myself.)
Today I told my bio kid and foster kid how much I love them, (struck-through: though I worry sometimes that each will secretly assume I love the other more for various reasons I can’t wrap my head around or control).
Today I talked to my neighbor politely at the school bus stop, (struck-through: though each moment I had to frantically determine if my small talk was considered ‘normal’ and whether I was ‘doing it right’ with all the appropriate eye contact and facial expressions..).
PS I work in small tasks each day. For example I never say anymore ‘i need to clean the house’ and instead I say ‘This morning I will take the dirty laundry off the floor of the kids bathroom’. This is how I keep myself from trying to achieve TV commercial parenting and cleanliness skills. Like in every cleaning product commercial their house is *already* spotless. I mean I could so clean a house that was *already* clean, no problem.
This week I survived being a solo mum for the whole week, with almost no tears.
Admittedly, with my husband now being away for the weekend, I am off to my parents house for the night for the support, but thats totally self-care right there, I need the company!
And thats some awesome art. Awesome.
Today I took my kids to the park and drove home even though I have a nasty migraine. I let the 10yo choose the music we were listening to, even though I’m turning into a radio control freak. I checked my work email. I haven’t eaten OR thrown up on anyone. I actually sent people emails with information they wanted after telling them that I would send them those emails. I pushed the girls on the swings even though I’d rather sit with the moms and talk to them. Did I mention I had a migraine? And I talked to AND emailed people?!
Wow,I am so grateful for these two posts. This week, I took my daughter to ballet where I knew some people, but felt like I didn’t know a single person. They all talked about carpool from our school to ballet and even though I kept speaking up, we got left out – we live in a different neighborhood. Came home and cried hysterically to my husband and wondered why it is I can’t seem to make friends with the moms in my daughter’s class. My husband said they are “stuck-up bitches.” I think it is a pattern and it has something to do with me – I am a really nice person, though, and really do try. I do have some other friends.
Today, I successfully made it through having my mother come over to do the laundry since I’ve been sick (for the 10 jillionth time) and not argue with her. Now there is a first!!
Hang in there and thanks again for posting what most of us can’t! It makes the rest of us know we aren’t the only ones.
Hey, thanks for not eating me. I appreciate that.
Can I just say.. you are an awesome writer. Whatever you have to say, you say it brilliantly.
That’s all. As you were.
Woohoo for just looking at what IS. And loving it. 🙂
The other thing I would add – we all impact everyone else in some way – positive or negative. YOU impact a ton of people positively – again, by making us laugh, and by being authentically you (and by not eating us, which we all very much appreciate). So, you did that. I am not sure that many people could say that (not the eating part, but the impacting and making people laugh part).
Yay!!!!
Yesterday I walked to the farmers market even though I felt icky and by the time I got there I felt much better. Today I am making dinner for a friend’s birthday (which is probably going to turn out full of fail, but I’m trying!)
Today, I found the courage to call my bank and see exactly how well I did with my finances–and I found out my hard work literally paid off.
I narrowly avoided having to move out of my house because I couldn’t afford it by finding what is turning out to look like a great roommate situation. He signs the papers after work, and I’ll get to start saving for my trip to Scotland properly.
I took my dog to the vet for her check up – I’ve been scared to go because we were just there 2 weeks ago when our other elderly dog got super sick and she had to go to sleep. Very hard to go back but I needed to make sure our doggy that we still have is all good and will be with us for a long time. Bailey was 15, blind and couldn’t use her back legs, then got really sick. She was a sweetie. Shelly (Shellbutt) is 14 and can’t hear but everything else works. Both are pugs, the sweetest doggies in the world.
Oh! Yes! And I took a shower THREE DAYS IN A ROW. And even removed my chin hairs. I’m totally rocking this hygiene thing.
Crossing out the shameful parts of your list is a fantastic thing! Yes, recognize the things you do. Critiquing is for another day.
And all the comments about things achieved are making me cry. It’s so happy-making to see everybody patting themselves on the back in this horrid society that insists on constant shame.
YAY for you! See? You can do it!!
I’ve been a prickly bitch to my bf a little this week, so I’m going to give him a bit of a break this weekend. Lowering expectations is a good thing. Too many or ones that are too high lead to resentments, and that’s not healthy. Tomorrow I plan to stay in PJ’s all day and take care of my back, hopefully calm down my fibro flareup.
That zombie artwork is bad-ass….you’d be like the mighty Queen Zombie or something. That is some awesome artwork!
I wrote this blog post a while back, not sure if you ever have time to read stuff (it’s short, though).
It reflects my life philosophy that someone else mentioned above “aim low”. I thought it might help to see that there are a lot of us out there…
http://soyeahthatjusthappened.weebly.com/1/post/2012/04/its-not-you-its-me.html
As a libertarian zombie, I would like to announce that yesterday I got into a car accident for which I was subsequently ticketed, and I did NOT lose my shit. Probably because of new meds, but still. Two years ago I got in a much less damaging accident and damn near had a breakdown.
Today I got up and ran 4 miles in the dark before work even though I really wanted to drink coffee and play computer games. Today I didn’t feed the troll (that negative voice in my head that tells me I’m an imposter and fills me with guilt).
“Don’t feed the troll” has become my mantra.
p.s. Yesterday you mentioned people who run marathons in your description of “those people who have all their shit together”. I can tell you for me, I run because I don’t have my shit together and it’s the best escape I’ve found. I guess it’s my Dr. Who. Bet that’s true for most of the people you see that way.
Glad the comments had the desired effect. Plus you are followed by an incredibly clever, kind, hilarious, and awesome community. Of course, you deserve this community. Today I did four good deeds so far, but it isn’t even 2 p.m. yet. Working on 10 per day.
Today I went to work and wore a toddler’s pants as a hat. It made everyone laugh. My co-teacher took a picture of it. That made her smile. I made people smile today. That makes me happy. I will get the picture from my friend and share it. Look for it in twitter y’all. My handle is kermitmama. Hope you all smile too 🙂 thanks for making us all think about what we can do and what we did do.
This week I finished sewing my very first dress (I’ve been working on it for weeks!) – yippee!
And I totally avoided eating anyone. But if I had eaten anyone I would probably have made cake to go with them – look at me being all domestic goddess and turning into my grandma….
Seriously though Jenny, well done for lowering the bar – it gives the rest of us permission to do the same. Maybe we’ll all end up happier for it! 😀 Thanks for not eating me! Love you xx
This week I started a workout plan and I have stuck with it every day! I’ve also written 1750 words in my novel, applied to two jobs I might actually be qualified for, made progress on two websites I’m hoping to get off the ground, and started research for a Cracked article I’m planning to propose. Holy crap. I didn’t realize I’d done so much. Nice.
Today I went to yoga, and I kind of didn’t suck. I also contacted two new interviews for my radio show. And if that isn’t enough, I didn’t take it personally when the checker at the grocery store didn’t recognize me. For the twentieth time.
You’re just awesome.
Oh, and I also didn’t eat anyone.
More and more often I feel like I’ve blown, wasted, or ruined every opportunity I’ve ever had in life.
Maybe it’s because I’m about to turn 40 and I haven’t accomplished squat. I’m in over my head in debt (trying to buy a little happiness here and there), including student loans for a degree I have not used. At all. Ever.
I’ll stop whining and feeling sorry for myself now, before I break down at the office.
The only reason I know other parents is that my kids insist on having friends. And I even like a few of those parents … so win for me!
A baseball player is considered *very* successful if they hit a third of the balls pitched to them. So I consider myself a success I win at parenting that often. Some days are better than others but it all averages out.
Today i ate something. I almost always try to follow my optimistic statements with caveats too. Like, today I taught myself how to knit (if you can call that lumpy thing in the corner knitting anyway.)
You totally forgot that you invented “arsonistic”. As a word. As a thing, it’s existed a long time.
As for me, today I didn’t have an anxiety attack when I got blue pen on me. That’s a win, ladies and gentlemen! 🙂
I did not eat anyone either. I think humans would taste too salty for me anyway. I’m trying to watch my sodium intake.
Does getting laundry done count? I mean, the machine does most of the work, but I had to sort it, put it in there, and then pull it out again.
If not, I cleaned up my bedroom. Well, the mess was mostly on my husband’s side but STILL. And I fixed a flagpole. That’s not a euphemism.
All you people that have shared here are fabulous! I’ve loved reading these. It’s made me feel happier. Thank you to the commenters and to Jenny. We all walk around in our quiet personal worlds and sometimes think we are alone. We arent. Honestly, with many of you, I wish we could sit for tea and conversation together. I’m sure we could be friends. Maybe even watch those perfect mommies together and realize we are perfect in our own weird way.
Today, I appreciated people on the Internet that I don’t even know.
You could be a Pastafarian! http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flying_Spaghetti_Monster
My success: I got the kids (and myself) dressed first thing this morning! Woo hoo! Also, I didn’t punch anyone in the throat.
I feel a little down for NOT being here yesterday and not being a vocal part of our tribe. BUT, it is awesome that this tribe DOES exist because it gives us all something to come and get comfort in.
My accomplishment for today was asking for help. I don’t ask for help because that means I have failed. But, I asked for help. And no one has told me I am fucking worthless yet. So, maybe, that is not so bad to ask.
Hugs to you Jenny. You, and all the rest of us who have our own illness and therapy and things, are bright and gleaming from a distance, but not really SEEN. When you get close to us, you see the cracks in the china, and THAT makes us individual, and unique, and beautiful.
For the record, I’d also like to say that the Zombie picture is AMAZING. I hope someday someone makes a zombie picture from my likeness.
Okay. This week I finally finished your first book. The house is a fucking mess, but….
My (arshole) husband said, ‘its about time, weren’t you reading it for like years, I thought I would have to help you read!” I didn’t yell at him, I didn’t throw the book at him, I just smiled.
Yeah! To not reacting to him, and ruining my day.
I can control my thoughts. I am a good person. I am smart. I can smile. Its all gonna be alright.
Oh. And then I had a massage, and it hurt like hell, and she told me my body was too stiff, and too this, and too that. BITCH! I hope her next client is a big hairy, pimple ridden zombie!
In the last week, I had not one but TWO red-eye flights across the country which resulted in two stints of being awake for 36 hours straight. This put me in a very zombified state. (I didn’t eat anyone, but I did eat three bars of Lindt dark chocolate.) Somehow I managed to work the rest of the week despite massive sleep deprivation, and I’m rewarding myself with a deep tissue massage after work tonight. Bring on the weekend!!
I took my son to school…made my bed…and for SiriusXM radio to straighten out my account (now that is what I call winning). The old cats didn’t eat the new cat and he didn’t eat them…and I ate only half if the brownie that I wanted to eat all of. I get to have a dinner date with The Cutest Boy in the World (aka my 15 year old son)…thanks today I look at today as a “good” day and not a wasted one…
Oh and I didn’t go all crazy ass on the pool repair place even though I have been asking for day scores them to show up…and they still haven’t…I guess I can say i was also “nice” today
Your blog is oxygen to most of us…as much for your humor as for your honesty…thank you so much for being The Bloggess…my life is better because I have “you” (in the form if this blog) in it!
Today I managed to:
* Come a bit further on the webpage project for a restaurant I’ve been working on. I hope they’ll like it.
* Help my therapist with lots of things she actually needed help with 🙂 It feels great! Just great!
* Make a good tasting dinner.
* Buy toilet paper. We were out off course, but I bought new before we HAD to…
That’s it. But it’s a lot 🙂
I’m having a good day!
And I didn’t eat anyone either.
Anita
Today I was an excellent companion to my cat as we napped together on the couch.
It is so nice to realize I’m not alone, that we’re all cheshire cats around here.
It’s made me a little tearful, in a sad/happy way.
I came home early from work today, instead of powering through my migraine. My voice is MY voice, NOT Julie Andrews’ NOT Janis Joplin’s – it is MINE – and I can sing. I got inspired by other peoples’ writing instead of feeling not ‘good enough.’ I wrote. And I wrote yesterday and the day before that.
Today I wanted to stop, but I kept going & I’ve discovered saying this as a mantra: “Just keep moving.” helps me tremendously. Little things layered upon themselves turn into bigger things. xo
Out of curiosity, how much would you charge for an ad, if the ad was to advertise that I have a foster animal looking for a family? I am slightly concerned that my daughter is training the dog to be her head evil henchman.
On that, I am happy today, because I have only cried once over the fact that my child is quite possibly one accident involving toxic radiation away from being a super villain. Seriously. She is frightening. And not even a year old.
Not only did I not eat anybody today, I didn’t kill anyone in any way ! (I’m a nurse so that’s always a possibility )
I like that you’re a flesh-eating zombie that (or is it who?) still wears her glasses in zombie-dom.
I had the same revelation this week. I was getting all pissed off that I wasn’t making progress at the gym, and then I realized I set a Personal Record at showing up: http://fatcrossfitter.tumblr.com/post/60168374687/pr-in-showing-up
Remember when we were kids on the playground and making new friends was as easy as saying, “Hey, do you want to be my friend?” Yeah, then you grow up and things become a lot more fucking complicated. Except, today, I decided that they SHOULDN’T be so damned complicated. Today, I approached a friendly acquaintance of mine, someone I always thought merely tolerated my presence at group gatherings (because that’s how I think everyone views me…”that annoying chick who we can’t get rid of”), and I asked her if she would be my friend. She said yes. We are going out for Mexican food tomorrow night. Also, I didn’t kill anyone today.
I worked on a story that will become a book that will become my thesis project. And I started an essay to submit to my school’s literary review magazine. I also brushed my dog and hugged my cat, scratched my goats ears and didn’t kill my neighbor’s dog even though he peed on my tires.
I win the week. Or at least my week.
Also, Jenny, you need to add one thing to your list of accomplishments. You made us all feel less alone.
I have house-guests arriving tomorrow and I’m not in a panic as I got done the houshold-y stuff that you have to do when people are coming. (Like make sure they aren’t going to stick to things and have proper stuff to eat.)
And I didn’t eat anyone…although the day’s not finished yet…
You are brave enough to ask for help. Which is really, really brave. Also, I adore your altered victory statements. I’m going to see how I can use that.
Wow. You really DO make a kick-ass zombie. I’m green wif jelly.
Yesterday I told an almost-stranger that note he wrote on Facebook was really beautiful and struck a chord with me. He’s a friend of a friend, and our mutual friend keeps telling me “YOU GUYS WOULD GET ALONG SMASHINGLY!” and Self-Doubting Erin goes, “But he seems really cool and I’m just this weirdo.” But I told him I liked what he had to say, anyway, because I did and it made me realize our mutual friend was probably right. I think we’ll get along and maybe even if I am a little weird, it’s ok. He’s probably a little weird, too. The best of us are, I think.
I also didn’t eat anyone. I strongly considered it, but I didn’t.
Thanks for reminding me–ALL of you here, not just the divine Ms. Lawson–just what amazing company I’m in. Love to each and every one of you. Really. Thank you.
I took a shower today.
I came to this game a little late and have not read your 1st book and I’m dying to read your second. If it looks like this blog- absolutely!
Today I got up, took a walk and did some laundry. I did this in spite of having a hysterectomy last week, and losing my child last month.
The accomplishment is more germane in light of the second circumstance than the first.
I did laundry, unloaded the dishwasher, and packed to go on a weekend trip to Chicago. I rarely travel. I’m going with someone else, and I don’t really know where we’re staying or even what we’re doing. In other words, today I’m preparing to go way way out of my comfort zone. I don’t even know the zip code for the zone where I’m going. There might be zombies.
Taking on something that scares me usually makes me feel better about myself in the end.
I was nice to a person who I really do not like.
Today I didn’t yell and anybody and I didn’t cry, despite the awful night I had last night. I think that that is a small win!
I will now reward myself with lots and lots of candy and a Friday night in bed.
I got out of bed before noon AND took a shower.
Yesterday I realized that I can still be love even when I am bring psychotic.
Today I went to a funeral and I spoke to people even though I am terribly shy.
And the biggest accomplishment, I didn’t get struck by lightening after saying “shit” at church.
though I could have eaten him if I was zombie. Just add a little soy 🙂
This morning I got my anxiety ridden 9th grade daughter to understand that no one will judge her for wanting to get out of Honors Physics and AP US History. Her schedule got changed today and a cheerful bunny walked off the bus this afternoon.
Also, I made a very kickass version of The Melting Pot’s Fiesta Cheese Fondue to celebrate. It’s a shame I don’t drink beer because the recipe called for 1/2 a bottle.
Today I perfectly folded a fitted sheet. The second perfectly folded fitted sheet in a month. Can I add that to my resume under Accomplishments? ; )
apparently those To-Do lists we write, that run off the desk and curl up in judging piles on the floor while we try to avoid eye-contact, are really terrible awful things to have. I read that the best way is to have one piece of paper for the day, and draw a line on it. Above the line you write one, two tops, of the ABSOLUTE MOST IMPORTANT AHHHHH thing/s above the line, and 5 or so below the line, and the above-line is what you do that day. If you do it, then go to the other ones but that one is the top priority secret agent high security bamf that you have to finish that day–or something
I’ve been trying to figure out what to say to your last post…and I’m so grateful that the posse got it out there. “We’re harder on ourselves than we should be”…all the things you’d said about you…applied to me too. Not feeling like a good enough wife, mother, teacher, derby player, air breather….it all just sucks. And then I spiral into the darkness and then the anxiety comes – “if people knew their kid’s teacher was this dark, they’d try to get me fired” and on it goes….Thank you for the positive follow up and the reminder to treat ourselves with some of the kindness we give others.
I woke up. I didn’t sleep all day. Actually went out to lunch with a friend. Today gets a check mark plus. 🙂
As much as I love your curlers I’m glad they are not in your zombie hair.
Today I loved me some PEANUT BUTTER POP TARTS and felt no guilt.
This week I felt like I wasn’t accomplishing anything with my life, and everyone else was doing something with theirs. But instead of stabbing myself in the neck I got the fuck up and went to work and processed 468 tubes’ worth of samples. We are trying to defeat the disease that killed Freddie Mercury, and every time I hear his song The Show Must Go On, I feel like there’s at least kind of a point to what I do, even if I am just a glorified drudge. SOMEONE has to do the work, you know? We can’t all be leaders and planners and shit. Some of us have to get behind the bench or sit at the hood and do the fucking pipetting. Because I hate that so many people had their lives ruined by this goddamn disease, and none of them deserved it. Viruses aren’t bigoted. They’ll go after anyone, and they are just mindless sacks of genetic material trying brainlessly to propagate themselves…
….now that I’ve said that, it occurs to me that basically viruses are zombies. Great.
So now I have realized that I am actually fighting A WAR AGAINST ZOMBIES, with a pipettor, and that is pretty fucking awesome.
I forgave one of my best friends for breaking my heart. He crushed me and although I vowed to never speak to him again, I have been seeing to many signs (terrible things have been happening around me) not to try and let go of the pain and move past it.
I’m doing my best.
I put one load of laundry in the washer. Also, when I dropped the bowl of leftovers I was going to have for lunch on the ground and it splattered the fridge and floor with enchilada sauce I cleaned it up immediately instead of letting it sit until a dog licked it up.
I have dogs. In the house. I wouldn’t just wait for a random dog off the street to come by, invite it in the house and hope it likes enchiladas. That would be crazy.
What I am saying is that I really hope you remember to keep the bar low. My desk is a mess, I have unpacked boxes from TWO moves ago, I have stuff on my to do list from five years ago and no, I don’t have an organic garden in the backyard. And yet, people think I have it together. My husband once bought me a Wonder Woman pez dispenser because he thinks I’m awesome. When I feel like an imposter, I remember that he and our daughters think I rock.
Low bar = Good. At least if you are planning to jump over it. Because if you are planning to limbo, a low bar is a serious challenge. You could slip a disc or something.
Jen
I can’t imagine how you’ll manage to read and mentally process the thousands of comments you’re getting. I haven’t even read this newest post but I didn’t want to be more than 3000 comments down the list.
I could snivel about how me and my life are worse (“post” Lyme syndrome = chronic fatigue, mental illness, anxiety, fibromyalgia, arthritis, and lots of shit). I do very very little. A good day is when my hemmoroids don’t bleed. I could list the ways you keep the world bright by using your energy and humor and how you manage to blog and twitter and be friends with incredibly kick-ass people. But at the moment, I just want to thank and applaud you for standing up to that Other Mommy Blogger who dissed you at BlogHer years ago. I only heard about that kerfuffle this weekend. We all have our issues but you are always kind. Always. No matter how your life is going, you don’t try to hurt people. I can read your blog on any day, no matter how I feel, and know I won’t feel worse when I’m done. And now I’m going to call my doc to schedule my gall bladder surgery that’s 14 months overdue but I’m a coward and there’s another way you’ve helped me: made gall stones something that can be laughed at. You help keep us grounded. So even if you only “live” a few days a month, and I do know how that life feels, you give us mother-earth energy all the time. Goddess bless the Bloggess!
And I think this is a perfect example of how we’re much harder on ourselves than anyone else could be. Both to our outward appearance and the person inside. Let’s all try to be a little kinder to the body and soul that’s ours. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XpaOjMXyJGk
I managed to get to and back from my grandma’s funeral without totally losing my shit. I dyed a wool cape I bought at a yard sale last year. I spent time with my friends yesterday. I made clothes for my niece’s lala loopsy dolls. I publicly shamed a rental car company. I called the guy who’s fixing the brick on the side of my garage where I hit it with my car a few weeks ago.
You hit the nail on the head about tackling problems in smaller chunks. I used to have these long to-do lists and I’d end up feeling like a loser if I didn’t accomplish everything on them, even if I did ALMOST everything. Now I try to start the day thinking of the three most important things I need to do that day, do those, and then anything else is just gravy. It’s good to aim high, but a dose of realism does wonders for my self esteem.
Wow, my comment yesterday included upgrading a fear that I’d eat my own hand out of loneliness to eating someone else’s instead. I now see the error of my ways, and am making kimchi instead. Happy to see that the love-tsunami crashed your server, and happy that you’re going to lower the bar for yourself. That way lies sanity, and the ability to enjoy simple pleasures instead of yelling at their not-enough-ness.
Today I cleaned off the table that has been covered in craft junk for over a month. I listened to music turned up really loud and danced around while I was putting things away. I made fruit “ice cream” for my kids’ afterschool snack. I avoided crashing my bicycle or the car, and I, too, did not eat anyone today. We are having pork for dinner, though, so I think Wilbur is missing a few ribs.
Love that you took what you read and got the exact right thing you needed out of it. That’s brave as hell. Add that to your list of accomplishments for the week.
I went on a super-fun day trip with my kiddo and ran 1/10th of a mile two days in a row.
Also, I didn’t eat anyone. Guess I was in good company.
Today I left a fight before it started with my ex-husband. Which is HUGE. I left a FIGHT BEFORE it started. Let that sink in. Huge. And I almost bought expensive sugar online, but didn’t. I don’t know if that’s a win, but it’s what happened.
Today I backed my car into the pile of mulch sitting in our driveway and the wheelbarrow that is being used as a weight on top of the tarp on top of the mulch slipped and left a big scratch on my car. But compared to the huge dent from when I hit a huge cement pillar in a parking garage a few months ago, it’s not that bad.
Today at work I made a pillowcase for charity. On a sewing machine, which I have never used, and a serger, which I never even knew existed.
Today someone on this thread used the term douchebagasshat. Which I am totally stealing.
Today I am going out with my husband to watch a movie in a friend’s front yard. And might drink a little too much and then have sex with my husband. Which is good for both of us. And will make him forget about the scratch on the car which doesn’t really fucking matter anyway.
Today I will tell my daughters that I love them and they will hug me and tell me that they love me too. And that is awesome because to them I am the best mommy in the world. Period.
So all in all, it’s been a great fucking day. I will figure out tomorrow when it gets here.
Just keep swimming Jenny. You kick ass. As a zombie and otherwise.
I wore a bra to drop the kid off at school EVERY DAY THIS WEEK! Can I get a fist bump?! I like to set that bar nice and low…the better to go sailing over the top every freakin’ time. Also, regarding Pinterest, if only my life resembled 1% of my Pinterest boards. Lots of pretty photographs & eye candy over there but not a lot of real life. A real woman, of worth and value, is the one brave enough to leave the house occasionally without looking like she just stepped out of a Bobbi Brown ad.
I tweeted something mean about my mother in law… BUT I resisted putting it on Facebook. She’s not on Twitter so … win?
You MUST remember how many days you turn around for some of us. I have dragged out of bed and felt hopeless and then read your blog and laughed so hard I cried. This has happened on more than one occasion. You turned my day around and it became brighter. You are living proof, and make the while “depression is a lying bastard” statement believable for a lot of us. You are an inspiration for most of us. Keep on keepin’ on, Jen. We need you.
I left the house today, and went to a La Leche League meeting yesterday. I talked to actual people other than myself and my cat, and didn’t watch netlfix for a total of 3 hours!!! Plus, I learned some cool things about producing milk and feeding a human with it! I also managed to not offend anyone, and have been amazingly patient with the horrendous experience that is being 8 months pregnant in Texas heat and looking for the closest parking spot. Being pregnant through an entire Texas summer is an accomplishment I should be proud of.
I’ve been really good at finding good deals on baby products, and informing myself on all aspects of the pregnancy/labor/newborn care process. I’m awesome at research.
I’ve also started coming out of lurker mode when I read awesome blogs…
Also, I have not eaten anyone, despite waking up bitey often, being constantly hungry (8 months pregnant), and people walking around taunting me with their obvious deliciousness.
Today I went to work despite it being day 5 of a brain crushing headache. I might cook he chicken I thawed out for dinner, or we may have cereal, I haven’t decided yet. Yay me.
Awesome zombie portrait!
(And I’m probably good at medium-to-medium rare.)
Also I know this is short notice because of product cycles, etc., but could you pls set up a kickstart or something so we can all cosplay you for Halloween even if we don’t have the energy to pull together an awesome costume? I want to join Jenny’s Traveling Red Dress Zombie Flash Mob but I don’t have anything to wear! What we need here is a commercially produced costume in a range of sizes!! 7 weeks til Halloween?
I tucked in my son before leaving this morning for work.
I sounded temporarily sane in a meeting.
I managed to drive to and from work without killing anyone or falling asleep at the wheel after working too many hours.
I took a nap today.
I played a game with my daughter on her tablet.
I finally read an IM from last Saturday.
I laughed at the laundry pile (it needed to be shown its level of importance).
I decided I do not care if my daughter’s teacher likes me – its not about me.
I appreciate the last post and this post. We make lists, we cram too much in one day, we think everyone else has it perfectly done – they don’t – and those that really do, they don’t seem happy at all. If the world was perfect it would not be fun (a zombie told me that). We only get one life and there will always be a list (I think we should have more fun lists)….. my accomplishments for tomorrow:
-sweat (actually go outside to do this)
-eat (cause cheese is good)
-read something (a good book or blog would be nice to clear the head)
-talk (yelling at my kids is a must!)
I think that will do. Everything else will be a bonus!
Yesterday was one of my kick-very-much-ass days for this month. I got my 1000 word quota written (and less than half was namby-pamby bullshit!)(I think!), I edited one chapter of my edit-stage novel and one chapter of a novel I’m first-reading for someone. I also ate beans for dinner while my husband texted me pictures of the awesome burgers he was having at work and I didn’t actually turn into the wicked witch of the west (for very long!)
Accomplishing anything that you can check off your to-do list actually releases endorphins. I’m guessing these are the endorphins caught in tuna nets and you get to release them back into the wild! Yay you!
Today, I met with clients and got to visit a friend in the hospital. And I didn’t eat anyone’s brains… that I’m aware of. I’m guessing there will be repercussions if I did.
Today I got up early so I could spend time scratchingy dog’s tummy before I had to leave for work. I didn’t judge myself for a full ten minutes after took my meds. I told my inner panel of angry, judgy assholes to take a break & let me breathe. I took a shower & didn’t feel ashamed because I was a huge person in a tiny shower. Sometimes the things that I do are making sure that I don’t do something harmful & that’s all I can accomplish in one day. I get maybe 2-3 days a month. I’m glad to know that I’m not alone. And I’m glad to say that I would definitely cook you if it came to that. Because you’re worth it too.
I also didn’t eat anyone this week. I did cry when the pressure from going to College as not a 19 year old caught up to me. Along with the pressure from work, clubs I’ve joined (to pad my un-padded resume) and the pressure of trying to learn French and speak it out loud- which completely terrified me. But then, after the earned cry, I calmed down and relaxed and just took it minute by minute. Now, the week is over and voila! I’m not dead, not eating people nor exploding like I thought I would! I can take that.
This week I cleared out 1 of my bookshelves and reconnected with one of my cousins. For me that is an accomplishment.
I bet you could be the best zombie ever and it would be a great occupation so don’t let the political views tell you any different.
Your blog is one of those things I get excited about, because it’s REAL and it’s FUNNY and I can RELATE to it and it makes ME feel less alone in the world. I think many people feel the same way about your blog. And I thank you. We’d be kick ass zombies, but it seems pretty gross.
Dear Vicki J,
You are my hero. Yes ” Have perfectly folded a fitted sheet.” should be the first thing on your resume.
Today I smiled through gritted teeth without breaking them.
Yay us! You rock Jenny. Don’t even hold yourself to working on a chapter, go for a paragraph and let it build.
This week I showed up for work EVERY DAY even though I am super nauseous and have morning sickness. I started work on a research project that I have been putting off, and I dealt with several irate clients and didn’t cry!!!
Today I got out of bed….even though I mostly just messed around at work and didn’t accomplish much! However, I made a coworker laugh so hard we were both glad we didn’t have a beverage!
I was sitting here feeling bad because I haven’t gotten any shopping done this week because I am working a crap-ton of hours that I don’t even want talking to people who are almost always wasting my time and also I didn’t even wash my hair today because the dishwasher needs to run and cold showers make me squeal.
But now I am going to take your advice. I DID help some people who actually needed it yesterday, like the guy who was robbed trying to put his store’s money in the bank night deposit box and comforted the scared confused old lady who I spent a precious 15 minutes (a very long time to tie up an emergency line) with on the phone while she was terrified of the (non-existent) man looking in her window. I did not sailor cuss anyone after hanging up the phone from them (well, not YET this week I do have 2 more shifts to work) and also, I DID NOT EAT ANYONE. 🙂
Thanks for the lift, because I have to go back in 3 hours and I really didn’t want to…
This week I didn’t beat myself up for not working out. And I am actually ok with this. And I haven’t yelled at my kids all week. Small things. Small things multiplied makes big things.
It gets better. I have clinical depression and have been on medication and I started therapy a year ago.
And I have worked to lower the bar for myself, and even though it doesn’t work all the time, it’s gotten easier.
Today:
I ate a chocolate chip cookie instead of a person and enjoyed every crumb.
I wore a skirt today and felt pretty.
I scooped the cat box.
I got to go to work.
This whole idea of “normal” is really bs. People are all different and life isn’t static so we all run a range of different behavior from day to day. Some of us have moods and brain chemistry that is more problematic than the average person (myself included, have Aspergers, still adjusting to getting back on a mood stabilizer lately). Like to think I’m doing better than I have been in the past, but some days are good, some days are bad, sometimes both in one day, but that’s life. I don’t usually say a lot in conversation because parts of my brain run faster than the parts that involve speech and talking just doesn’t work as well as I’d like. I don’t consider myself shy anymore, but tend not to socialize because I think my geeky brain just doesn’t have that much in common with the average person.
Breaking larger tasks into smaller, manageable bits is good idea. Projects are all completed one step at a time anyway. The important thing is to not let yourself get overwhelmed to the point you don’t get anything done. I know that can be a problem if you have an overactive brain like mine that tends to think about things too much. This anti-seizure medication I’m taking helps with that. I don’t have seizure problems, but I do border on OCD with some things and it helps keep my mind from overfocusing on the wrong things.
Basically, most people don’t have things near as together as they appear to on the surface. If you could get a more intimate view of their lives you will find we all have issues and struggles we wrestle with every day. Just realize that no one has a perfect life; there is no such thing. In real life, a fairy tale prince or princess would still have to eat, excrete, would get hungry, tired, bored, lonely, anxious and all the other things that go with being a flesh and blood person. Your life does not have exclusivity on any of these, even though it may feel you do. I can see plenty of things about your life I’d envy. If you could see my love life you’d find it breathtakingly empty. You are way funnier than I am and seem to have plenty of people who think you are just adorable. It’s easy to discount the things we have and focus on the things we wish we had. From where I sit you have plenty to appreciate and be thankful.
Today was awesome for two reasons:
1) I sent my client three articles and wrote a thousand words on my own project.
2) I showered and it was FABULOUS.
Bonus reason:
3) I read this blog, and yesterday’s, and a crap-ton of comments, and was reassured that I am not alone in the mire. THANK YOU.
I started filling out job applications though I haven’t worked in 3 years and I’m terrified of leaving my babies with someone. But I need out of the house. A happier mommy will make for a happier home. Right?!?
It is Friday and my desk is still clean! Do you hear me? It is Friday and I am not buried by the mountain of shit that usually accumulates on my desk by Tuesday at noon! When you combine that with the fact that I did not go batshit crazy on my new boss, no matter how much she deserved it, I’m considering this one of my most successful weeks in the history ever.
P.S. Betsy, you are my idol. I have 2 very best friends that I would not trade for anything that you could dream up. They are my sisters in the truest sense of the word and I honestly cannot imagine how lost I would be without them. BUT, they both live too far away to see on the regular. I’ve often wondered, how do you date for friends? Thank you, Betsy for showing that it can be done and it might be terrifying, but it can be amazingly simple also.
Today I made two phone calls instead of ignoring what needed to be done, because I’m terrified of the thought of talking on a phone. (Good news: one of those calls got my art into a gallery next month)
My therapist friend calls it “approachable increments of infinity.”
Today I made a phone call I’ve been dreading, answered a few emails, watered the garden, fed the dogs and the fish. took a walk, and made a big pot of spaghetti sauce. And the day is still young! This, with bad fibroid cramps and on my “day off.”
This week I got out of the house and interacted with people. Thank you for being honest and open; it’s so good to know I’m not the only person that finds life terrifying so often.
I save my son’s text messages that say “I love u too” (that’s all they say, just that). On bad days, I re-read them all over again. It helps.
This week I made it to work every day even though I wanted to stay in bed with the covers over my head. Today I brushed my teeth and remembered to put on deodorant. I made some people at work laugh. A customer told me I’d been very helpful.
Today I linked to a cute kitten and called it a post.
And I haven’t eaten anyone yet.
This week I got my farm ready for winter. I ordered and stacked firewood. I booked a whole bunch of jobs for myself for this month to stave off poverty. I found two pairs of kick ass cargo pants that fit me wonderfully and bought them without regret. I picked out which project I wanted to be my Nanowrimo project for this year. I helped my husband can tomato sauce and applesauce. I enjoyed the hell out of fall.
Today I finally paid the phone bill, juuuussst one day before it was overdue, and which I have been avoiding for a week because the phone company annoys the shit out of me. AND I DIDN’T EAT ANYONE EITHER.
Today I managed to get out of bed, despite struggling with an epic bout of depression. Also: after suffering a rather humiliating twitter incident yesterday, I didn’t let it scare me away from twitter. I am allowed to be human.
Speaking of being human – I also didn’t eat anyone today.
Today I finished the scrape off the popcorn-replaster the ceiling-prime-and paint process on one of my bedrooms. Yes, there are three more to do – but I did this one LIKE A BOSS.
Today I did not join a gym. But I also did not prevent anyone else from joining a gym, which was really nice of me.
And, when my four year old picked up the ipad and started playing Pet saga (or whatever that game is called) I let her even though “Oh My God, I have to wait HOW long for more lives????”, And I didn’t buy more lives ( you’re welcome husband!). And I did not get mad when she was way better at it than me. Not out loud at least.
Today, I read this post and yesterday’s post while at work and managed to hold in the tears so no one would see me cry tears of joy that I am so not alone… I will need to work on making better lists of what I did right some other time.
I put on a real bra today. That is an accomplishment of epic proportions.
Today I ate all the wrong things for my diet and now I feel like crap and I’m grumpy as all hell, cried, argued/discussed with my family about scattering the ashes of my dad, and cried some more. On the flip side, I managed to not hit snooze over & over and dragged my ass out of bed 10 minutes earlier like I had hoped I would this morning. So tonight I’m going to spend the evening with my dogs, they never piss me off, and they don’t judge me – in fact they love me more when I’m wearing some of my supper by accident.
I used to make daily to do lists and never finished them. I felt like a failure. Now, I make ‘wish lists’ and consider doing any of the items an accomplishment. If I do anything that is NOT on the list, I add it so I can cross it off. After having survived an illness where I was given less than 1% chance to live, I figure every day I wake up on top of the dirt and not under it to be a successful day. Everything else is a perk.
I did eat the son of a sow today. He was tasty.
I do not have enough patience to read all the comments, so please forgive if I am repeating something said previously. On your worst days, be aware that you are bringing a smile to me and many others. Even if you are not able to accomplish anything, you are providing a bright spot for many people. And I hope your next book is different; don’t revisit what has been done before. Thank you and Victor for sharing your lives with the rest of us.
I think everyone feels like they suck sometimes. I’m glad I am getting a chance to be a grandma to try to improve on how I did with my kids when i was too young to have them.
This week I cooked dinner for my elderly widowed neighbor and I vacuumed up all (well most) of the cat hair on my carpets. Carpets + cats = bad idea. go with tile or wood floors.
I like this success story post and comments! Yay us!
Okay, I did no work yesterday. So far today I’ve done no work. I am very behind on this project and will have to discuss with manager next week. It’s just a freelance gig, and my first since I returned to the city, so I fear that I will lose this and get a bad rep.
BUT: I went to a doctor appointment today. I picked up prescriptions for my housemate/BFF and for me. I’m being nice and considerate (he went to the ER last night and discovered he has kidney stones). I still have time to get some work done, even an hour or two.
And at therapy on Wednesday, we actually discussed the idea about aiming lower. Because my parents got bent out of shape if I didn’t get straight A’s. I don’t have to be the best at anything but being myself. Just doing what I can is pretty darned good.
today I wrote a list, and completed things on it.
I knit some on my baby’s blanket
A few friends and I call list making “small manageable goats”
it was a typo from goals. I like having small manageable goats better.
Today I made $60 even though my head is exploding with mucous and I really just wanted to stay in bed.
…Also I didn’t eat anyone. But no promises on the future, since whatever I have could very well be some sort of mutated zombie plague.
I love you!
Today I didn’t eat anyone either! I didn’t even kill anyone (even though I sort of wanted to…) AND (thanks to you) I supported a really cool Kickstarter! A successful day, I think!
BIG SMILE 😀 and i love the scratch out list idea…i think i will incorporate that into my own inner rebuttals of self-criticism!
I read about ten of these and started crying sorta happy tears. What a wonderful amazing idea.
Today, I exercised and got painful bodywork done, even though I’m sad that I’m still in pain after doing that for so many years, and packed a lunch and didn’t have coke or wine for lunch.
I don’t like Zombies… I KNOW. I’m probably in the wrong place, but that… THAT is a kick ass zombie. YOU are kick ass.
Today I got out of bed, made sure my kids made it to school, made it to work, and made it through the day… I could have easily stayed in bed this morning. This evening, I am going to try and NOT look at the piles of stuff that needs to be done and focus on enjoying my FREAKING FRIDAY.
Have a great weekend!
This week I figured out how to zoom/pan pictures in Adobe Premiere. I have avoided crying today even though I really wanted to since I failed an important exam.
I love zombie you.
I love that you are genuine.
I’m not weird. I just think you’re fucking awesome
Today, I am recuperating from an exhausting first week of school and lived through some rejection.
Today I renewed my husband’s car registration, beat a jawbreaker to death on my desk, and shared the jawbreaker.
I didn’t burn down any cities!
I had a bunch of neighborhood kids over at my house for half the day and it was awesome because they are awesome, and also I’m trying to start my own Etsy business making handmade cat and dog collars, and I sewed SEVEN cat collars while having a horde of awesome yet yelling kids rampaging through my house eating popsicles.
So I think that is pretty awesome.
Ach. Fine. Affirmations. But only because you invoked the spirit of Stuart Smalley.
This week I only napped once during the work day.
Yesterday I walked on the treadmill instead of napping.
This week I got all of the laundry done.
I managed to make the chocolate cake last all week instead of devouring in two sittings.
I did not read my father the riot act, though he richly deserved it and I really, really wanted to…but I did stand my ground against his passive-aggressive manipulations and lies.
I hate affirmations. But this kind of helped. Thanks, Dr. Bloggess!
Also I ate ginger snaps and that wasn’t an accomplishment or anything, but they were delicious and only like half of them ended up in my bra.
“Libertarian Zombies” Would Be A GREAT Name For A Rock Band.
I like the Compassionate Bloggess!
I finally got my friend her wedding present, less than 2 months after the wedding. 🙂
I have a plan of attack for the next change I want to make in my life, even if I don’t know if I’ve got it broken up into small enough steps. 🙂
Today I budgeted all day. I find it soul destroying but useful. I found lots of errors (I made them all by myself!) Now I can fix them. Yay, me!
I exercised for the 6th day in a row, and I didn’t have to mow the yard because it rained all afternoon.
I went grocery shopping, showered, and have stayed at work all day. That to me is an accomplishment!
Also, did not eat any people! Way to go, all of us!
Awesome picture! Better than a LOT that I’ve seen 🙂
I have nothing to say except you are my hero. I don’t have any diagnosed disorders, but that is just a technicality. I think you rock and I can’t wait to see what you have to say next. You rock lady!
Today: I helped 3 students get their classes figured out even though it’s summer and I’m officially “off”.
I’m a single mom with two teenagers who are great, responsible and love to spend time with me. So time I spend playing Magic with them or watching our favorite shows is NOT wasted – I don’t care what anyone says.
I made plans to get together with a friend tomorrow instead of isolating myself.
You are perfect, just the way you are.
My accomplishments today were all selfish but I’m very okay with that. I got my hair done and my nails done. That’s enough.
I transposed the “out eating people” section of this and was very confused for a minute imagining zombie lesbo threesomes and have the weirdest boner right now.
I made a plan to go out to lunch on my birthday, even though I’m not really interested in my birthdays, because I know my wife and friends are.
I also went to the bank, even though it’s Friday and the line was a million minutes long, and then treated myself to my very favorite, wish-I-could-eat-it-everyday salad.
Also..funny…I just referenced Stuart Smalley for my narcissism posts.
This week? I was able to only abuse my ambien A LITTLE. And worked instead of tweeted at work 25% more than normal. That’s all I got.
I used my Stubborn Powers to get a customer service representative to actually help me resolve an issue instead of keep reading from their script.
(“Lower The Goddam Bar” WBAGNFARB, too.)
You ROCK.
And you’re right: you’re not alone, and the TOUGHEST thing we hafta do
is remember to be as compassionate to ourselves as we manage to be for others.
“Physician, heal thyself” is usually the big challenge.
Today was a good day. I didn’t get much accomplished, but it started out with someone handing me two bananas and asking me to help pull a prank on a coworker. That led to a singing gorilla showing up at work. Then I received a photo of another coworker wearing a sombrero. Then donuts magically appeared at my desk. All in, I didn’t need to do a damn thing to make today a good day. It happened around me and I’ll accept that as a win.
I love you, Jenny. You make me smile, and that’s the best gift you can give anyone…except maybe a pony. Or a unicorn. Anyway, Yay you!
Today I wrote two, not one, but TWO pages of my script.
Today I didn’t feel overwhelmed when it got busy at work…or whelmed in any way. Yay me!
I don’t usually comment because you get so many thousands of comments but today I feel the need to say, “I’m so glad you exist.” And that’s for entirely selfish reasons. Also, you make a kickass zombie.
Thanks for everything.
Today I didn’t cry when my daughter’s teacher stopped me in the hall after school to tell me she is concerned about my 6 year old daughter’s anxiety and how it is affecting her in class. I just nodded and listened and said “yes, that is concerning” and then went home instead of having a complete breakdown at the thought that I have passed on my anxiety to my daughter as well as my two older sons.
Today I loaded my dishwasher and swept my kitchen floor.
Today I left my house on purpose and went for coffee with a friend for the first time in months and I sat in public with her and we chatted like normal people do. And it was really nice.
Also, I did not eat anyone.
Thank-you Jenny.
I love this post. I think being honest and your most vulnerable is the most courageous thing we can do. And the most important.
You’re an inspiration to people like me. I have lots of internet friends but I don’t have a real IRL friend other than my husband. They just switched my meds because I had lots of anxiety and no motivation on the last one. It’s lots better now. My laundry room is clean. I love your sense of humor online, even the times that I can tell that you’re joking through the inexplicable pain. There’s days when it’s all I can do to drive my kids to school and make them dinner at night.
I never know the other band parents at my son’s high school. Hubby’s Mom was the head of the band boosters but there’s no way I can even volunteer because the thought of interacting with that many people at once scares the hell out of me. I worked for years with my ex and as a single Mom because I had to. I’d do it again if I had to but I’m a SAHM now. I see you and read the comments on here and I know that I’m not alone on the days when I’m fighting a panic attack at a school function.
I saw a deer head a a thrift store today. I’ve made my husband swear that he’ll buy it next week when he gets paid. He will have a top hat, monocle, and vest and shall be known as Col. Everett Hornsby III….. My husband’s read your blog too and is very afraid of where this is going. LMAO!
This week I took my son to Utah and got him a new Scoliosis brace and I didn’t die.
You are brave and wonderful and seeing the hundreds of comments yesterday made me feel much better about myself, and also wish I could befriend all of those people. But only internet-friends, because I’m not going to leave my house or anything. Someone might eat me.
I am Normal too 😉
I got to the bank. I know you stated you were not impressed with bank getting to in your last post, but that is really hard one for me. So deal with it I GOT TO THE BANK and am really proud of me and Rachel from a couple comments up. I am proud of her too. We go to the bank. (by bank I really mean ATM, no one wants to go into the bank and talk to those people). Also I managed to no yell at too many people today and avoided name calling (out loud) all together.
Today I blew of all of the things I should have been doing and did the things I needed to instead. I spent time with my girlfriends and their assorted small children. I spent time with my man, just hanging out and enjoying each other. I spent time with my son, not just doing homework but actually chilling together. I made dinner that was microwave pizza and chocolate milk and it was delicious. And now, I’m heading out to see more friends. Because sometimes I need a day where I’m reminded that I am loved and missed when I hide out in my house.
Today I finally had the balls to stop being paralyzed by how a former friend trashed my feelings years ago and look another friend in the eye and tell her I love her. And it felt great!
GO TC (#60) and GO JENNY!
Today I convinced the recycling company to give me a 75-cent credit for not picking up my recycling on the right day (background: they have missed it — and my neighbors’ too – 5 of the last 7 weeks, and the one week I didn’t call, the can stayed on my curb until the next week — when they didn’t pick it up again). Yay me!
Have you ever read Anne Lamott? She’s very good at talking about being nice to ourselves and also about the harrowing process of writing. And she’s a little loony too. You might enjoy reading some of her stuff. I don’t know if she tweets, but you can follow her on FB, if you want to try her out.
Hang in there, Jenny … I feel pretty kick-ass most days, but as one of the other commenters said, even we can brought down in a moment’s notice. And I spend more time than I wish I did comparing myself unfavorably to other (skinnier, smarter, social-ier) people. Also, I am not really into zombies, but even I love that portrait of zombie you 🙂
Today I realized that bursting into tears for no reason is a great way to get brinner in bed while my husband wrangles the children. And I didn’t scream at said children (that was yesterday).
And I didn’t post on your last entry, but I realized long ago that we just assume that other people have their shit together. Sadly I think those who seem so perfect are often the ones who are hiding the biggest flaws. I’ll take my visibly messy but totally real life over that any day.
Today has been my most productive day in almost a month. I managed to do some promotions for an event a work and deal with a group of people who came to pick new art for their office building.
I am rewarding myself tonight with some quiet time alone with an audio book and one of my zillion knitting WIPs.
Today I crossed straightening out the pantry off my To Do List. And in the process I found about $100 worth of various gift cards my husband had left in gift bags and boxes. Score! Finders Keepers rule is in effect 🙂
(Try this again, crashed while posting last time.)
Today I wrote a “crappy poem” ™. I haven’t written in YEARS.
Also, I had a good talk with myself, and looked at all my accomplishments and what a good life I DO have.
Your post yesterday was the inspiration. 🙂 (posted on my blog!)
Wanted to join the thousands in responding yesterday, but really just couldn’t find the words. Like others, I recognized myself in some of your comments.
Something really stuck out for me in yesterday’s post. Unlike some others with mental illness, you are actually self aware enough to recongnize your problems, your current limitations, AND you are trying to find ways to constructively COPE and find the right TOOLs to live a life with or in spite of them. I find that great. So many people sadly never, ever get to that point. So KUDOS to you!
And regarding the affirmations in today’s post. It reminded me of something I started as a joke but then became more important to me. Not saying this would ever work for you or anyone else, just an unexpected thing that later helped me. You just never know what you may latch onto that helps.
So, I work in corporate america. And in corporate america, you sometimes have to do things that do not add value and are really stupid. Because many managers in corporate america like “processes”. So one day during a crisis, I had to fill out some paperwork. The paperwork did nothing to solve the problem, but it was a required. I usually suck at shit like that, but I “was in the zone” and the bs was just a flowin that afternoon. After hitting Submit on the page, I raised my hands in Victory like Ed Hochuli signifying a touchdown (my biceps don’t look as good as his) and declared my Awesomeness to the world. After work, as a joke, I went to Hobby Lobby and picked up a band and some of those lettered beads and made a bracelet declaring Full of Awesome. And started wearing it at work. It became a running joke (on purpose, it was fun). But somewhere along the way, it became a talisman for me and it was important that I wear it. If only to remind myself that I really was Full of Awesome even on days I most certainly did not feel Full of Awesome.
Those bead materials from the stores are not exactly high quality and after it broke numerous times, I never did get around to making a new one. But (lord this sounds cliched), at some point I didn’t need it anymore. Somehow I had adjusted to the idea that yeah, I am FUCKING FULL OF AWESOME!
and don’t forget that you are TOO!
(and if anyone I know ever runs across this, they will think I’ve been eaten and replaced by space aliens because I don’t get touchy feeling in public)
Today I stood up for myself. My friend said I was a “silly, silly girl” because I don’t want to attend a free dinner/dress up thing done through work. I said “I’m not silly, I have anxiety and I need to honour my body.”
It was a win.
Ps I’m 31, I think that means people should call me a woman or lady or even ma’am (*shudder* I take ma’am back that ages me ????) instead of ‘girl’.
I watched this today and your goals made me think you might like it
Eat Frog First
Also I think if you were a zombie people would probably taste good to you!
Today I got my 2 oldest children to and from school without getting in a car accident while driving my new to me minivan, I loved on my two year old, and continued gestating a 38 week fetus, successfully. I also bought and consumed a cherry lemon slush from Sonic. Winning.
Just know that every day I check my computer multiple times to see if you have a new blog entry, and every day it makes me laugh and always makes me happy. You are always amazingly open and candid, and I really appreciate that! Today I brought birthday treats in for my sons birthday to school, and got his gift bags and everything ready to go for this weekend…I did not however get a cake, or even think about getting one, and I wonder if anyone will notice?
Also, I too did not eat anyone 🙂
You make me smile. Thank you.
Today I had a job interview and did *not* vomit. NAILED IIIIT!
Today I got my kids to and from school, finished a book, read a short story and started reading another book. I did 3 loads of laundry and vacuumed the house in between. I made it through the week without wanting to hurt myself and I even managed to sleep through a night. Sadly I find it harder to come up with positives that I have done and I can write a book of everything I have messed up or not finished. I will continue to try to notice the positives and not beat myself up over the rest.
Today I worked outside cleaning out and prepping a flower bed that I’m turning into a memorial garden for my cat of 12 years that I had to euthanize due to illness not quite 2 weeks ago. I’ve made a good start and know it will end up being a pretty little spot. I’m also thinking of restarting my blog. I didn’t get up as early as I intended today, but if I had I might have heatstroked working in the yard midday, so win.
Today I fell off of the proverbial wagon and did cocaine all day. I’m ok now but wasnt so ok earlier. I guess we all have our demons. They just all react/behave d ifferently. Thanks for your honesty.
Today I watched old “Monty Python” with 8-year-old son and laughed like an idiot.
It made me feel SO MUCH better.
You should try that.
I’m not sure how to cross off words from my phone, so just imagine that anything in parentheses is actually crossed off. Today, I overslept but took care of what I needed to before work anyway. I am proud of myself for getting to work (even though it’s only a temporary job), and treated myself to a cab because it’s a cold rainy day outside & I was having enough trouble getting out the door w/o having to contemplate uncomfortable shoes & the long wak from the bus stop to the store, not to mention the cold damp that would sit w/ me all day. I managed to ack enough food for the day (even ugh some of it is not as healthy as I would like). I remembered to feed all the animals, thus avoiding the disaster of fish death or pathetic dog eyes. And I forced mysel plans w/ friends even athough I’m exhausted & just don’t feel like being all that social (because of course, being at home & depressed is SO MUCH BETTER…not). I’m calling today a win, (even though I kinda feel like giving up).
This week I worked my full work schedule the majority of the time. I also did the dishes everyday and started in on some deep cleaning I’ve been putting off forever. Oh, and I went to the dentist and the doctor. Seems like boring stuff but looking at all that I’m proud of myself! Go me!
Last night, I danced in the pouring rain and then went grocery shopping looking like a half-drowned but cheerful rat. That means I went outside AND provided breakfast for my family. I got 100% of my children to school on time, and more than zero people in my family are wearing clean clothes. I did NOT punch anyone, get pulled over by a cop, or break one single thing ALL WEEK! Let’s all ride the awesome train!
You are a brave soul. My admiration for your honesty continues to grow. And yes, I am certain you would be a stellar zombie.
And thank you for cooking before eating.
Well for heavens sake, girl, we love you no matter what!
Today I didn’t call in sick to work, despite feeling like the world was ending because I left early on Wednesday and I had SO MUCH TO DO. My boss was gone and my meds ran out and I could not fucking concentrate for the life of me so I said “fuck it, I’ll do it on Friday.” Then I realized that I also had stuff to on my Friday list so I was going to have to cram two days worth of stuff into one and I was already behind and holy fuck how was I going to finish?
But I went to work. And I got everything on my to-do list done.
So now I’m going to go get a salted caramel pumpkin shake because I fucking deserve it.
I haven’t eaten anyone today (yet). Also, I finally bought faux fur fabric so that I can make the tribbles I’ve been talking about making forever. I totally haven’t made them yet, but I’m halfway there now. 🙂
I think I am going to try this too. I’m pregnant and if I don’t take the pills that I am not supposed to take daily, I pretty much spend the entire day in bed. And even when I do take it, I am heading to bed by 7 at the latest and I’m not even home from work until after 5. It’s a miserable existence that will prove itself worth it in the end. Instead of thinking the house is a mess, I am going to tell myself that I filled out all of the first day of school paperwork and had it returned the very next day. I also picked some things up last night. And we’ve brought in half of the plants from outdoors now that it’s cold out. I am accomplishing things!
I love that your sentimental and squishy blog posts still make me laugh my ass off. Because most of the time, if you read a squishy blog, they’re just squishy and make you (er, me) slightly uncomfortable – like having squishy underwear. No one wants that. So, thank you for being you. I don’t know of anyone else that can pull it off.
Today, I spent some real time with my daughter outside of our cubicle life. And, I didn’t freak out about being broke.
After an unsuccessful week of job hunting and making job search calls that have yet to be returned, I will take stock of the little things this week:
* I hooked up a new printer
* I have remained calm while attempting to learn a new computer operating system and how to use a touchpad instead of a mouse
* I reached out to a handful of friends that I have withdrawn from in this last round of depression
* When I was unexpectedly given a large gift card and someone close suggested that I put it towards a new, more modern TV, I instead have made the decision to use it towards an exercise bike and maybe lose the 20 pounds I have put on this year.
* Okay, I have not actually BOUGHT the exercise bike yet, but I got a tape measure out today and measured to see how big a bike I could buy- yes, I MEASURED!!!
* My other big accomplishment today has been to cast on 60 stitches to my knitting needles. This will eventually become my very own multi-colored Doctor Who Scarf. With my knitting prowess, it should be ready in time for the Doctor’s 75th anniversary, but it will be finished!
* I have also begun to share my thoughts in this comment section after a few years of lurking. This day I have not signed in as Anonymous. I’m still using a pseudonym, but I’m sill trying.
Today I swallowed a stitch marker. It is little, rubbery, red, and in the shape of a heart.
I have crafty poop in my future.
I also got up this morning – so that helped. And I took all my normal on schedule, which also helped.
Today, I went out in public several times and I did not have to consume any Xanax, though I did drink a pumpkin beer when I got home. I washed clothes, and gave the dog a bath, and this time he did not punish me by pissing on my bed. AND, tonight, to compensate for the two pounds of cheese stars that I ate yesterday, I will have a healthy salad. And another pumpkin beer.
I just read this post and it really helped me, maybe it will help you too. http://www.sowonderfulsomarvelous.com/2013/06/moms-when-are-you-going-to-learn.html
PS – I like your list idea. I tend to do the same thing. I say something great and follow it up with why it’s not so great. I’m going to give your idea a try. Thanks.
Today I made a to-do list for each of my children and trusted them to get it done without me.
Instead of micro-managing them, I went to lunch and Costco with 2 of my dear friends and bought myself a really amazing coloring book. (Actually I bought 3 really amazing coloring books because you never know when the need to color something will happen)
Yesterday, I wrote a response to your blog. Today, I let me husband read my response. So now there are 2 people in the world that I’ve shared my writing with. A first for me.
Today I went to work. I work as a substitute teacher, so it is way too easy to tell the automated calling system to shove it, or to ignore the call altogether. So I took a call and worked today. Then I made a kindergartener cry. I know that’s not technically a good thing, but she cried because I wouldn’t let her run across the room and instead made her stay where she was seated.
Also, I changed the sheets on my bed and threw the dirty ones in the washer and ran the dishwasher.
YAY YOU!
Not nearly as self affirming as everybody else’s post but I have to mention that you make a pretty hot zombie. That’s probably an oxymoron, them being dead and all, but still.
I think you should have an Instagram where you post pictures of your cats when they’re being silly. I don’t Twitter – because I think it’s weird. . but pictures of cats with captions – HILLARIOUS!!
Love ya – you’re awesome!
This week I got a job! Very few hours, but it’s something I know I’m going to enjoy.
I also ate a salad for lunch and then didn’t eat an entire box of wheat thins in one sitting! Yay healthy!!
Congrats on the accomplishments, Jenny. And thanks for bringing us all together here. Reading these comments by all these amazing people has made me feel like I have so many friends and kindred internet souls. 🙂
Jenny, the way you struck out those sentences spoke to me. I do that sort of thing all the time and seeing how you made each one positive – I think I can try that now that you’ve shown how. Hell, if I practice, I may even start to believe it. You’re helping people out all of the time just by being you and I thank you for being here. So glad I discovered your book and blog!
I got through another week of working FT, and taking care of my family. It certainly wasn’t perfect, but it’s Friday, everyone is relatively happy, I’m done with work for the week and I’m enjoying a glass of wine. That’s going to be a win for this week.
You. Are. A. Joy. You. Are. Pretty. Darn. Amazing. And. Common. And. Outstanding. You. Are. Not. Alone.Social. Media. Is. A. Facade. ;>)
I honestly think you are a most amazing woman. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your honesty and open heart. The permission it gives others to speak out about their own stuff is fantastic. And today, I didn’t eat anyone either. Good day all around.
I haven’t killed my sister yet. Even though she’s a brat and keeps being here when I want her to not.
I have tons to do and I’ve yet to panic! I’ve even done some stuff. Not as much as I’d like… but something.
I got my blog up and running and I’ve been having loads of fun with it.
Actually, I was going to comment on the yesterday post, but you realized what I was going to say anyway: if you are not meeting your own expectations for good behavior, then either change the behavior or change the expectations. Changing the expectations would most likely be easier, especially since no one else has those expectations of you anyway.
If your ups and downs are like biorhythms (remember those?), then check your scale for the up and down.
negative max value should be “I died” or “I killed someone else”. Don’t go there.
positive max value should be “I saved someone else” or something equivalently super positive. Try to get there.
then figure out what a good “meh” value should be (zero on the scale). “no one died, I continued existing as a comatose slab of flesh in a bed”.
Positive activity goes above the bar based on how much activity and how positive the activity. Eating (so you continue to be healthy) should always be ABOVE zero.
Not feeding yourself when you could should be below the bar.
Eating AND feeding the family should be above the bar, above just feeding yourself.
Not eating AND not feeding the family should be below the bar, below not feeding yourself.
etc.
Post the graph somewhere and see if you can beat yesterday’s value by adding one more positive thing or swapping a small positive for a larger positive.
Personally, I find value when I’m overwhelmed in making lists of things that I need to do or have someone else do, and then take immense pleasure in crossing it off the list when it’s done. Even if it is just get to the damn bank and deposit that check my sister gave me last week (which I did today).
Today I did TWO loads of laundry, and I applied for a job. Woho me!
And I only had about five tablespoons of the mint and belgian chocolate icecream I discovered yesterday and saved for today (only on weekends, go me!), then I put it back in the freezer. Now that’s what I call an accomplishment!
I have air conditioning for the first time in 11 days, in Arizona, I am thankful for that. I went out of my way to be kind to others. I finally opened all of the packages that came in the mail, the accoutrements for my new life with MS. I didn’t give up today. I made plans for tomorrow. I decided that I am a zombie, but not the home wrecking, oops I ate your wife Marjorie kind of zombie. My MS is causing my immune system to (insert long and boring “scientfic” explanation), aka eat my braaaaiiinnnnz. My husband argues that I cannot be a zombie because I am un-undead, therefore I am merely cannibalistic. Semantics.
Today, I sat on a log and watched people fish. Didn’t fish myself, and actually had a bit of a panic, but I was out, in the sun, by the water, and that made for a good day.
Today was a good day for me, because I went to the dentist and my teeth cleaning was normal and good. No new cavities to fill. 🙂 I’ve got some spots they are watching closely, but the fact I don’t need to see them until my next cleaning, is awesome. So today was good.
How that makes me feel accomplished is that it means I’m doing something right when brushing my teeth.
This week, I got back to writing, For Me, because I love it. I’d been too afraid to try for years.
Yesterday, I made my friend laugh while I held her hand as she went through one of her worst fears.
Today, I took my daughter to get shot.
With a vaccine, which, I’m not sure is a win, but I got to send her back to school 🙂
Tomorrow? All of my kids will have lived to be a day older.
That’s a win 🙂
Today I finished writing an essay I’ve been putting off all week. I didn’t feel bad about myself once, but the day’s not over yet.
I spend most of my days…minutes….seconds worried about what people think about me and convincing myself that I am the butt of all jokes in the world. I feel crazy every day. I AM crazy some days. I am a full time professional with two small kids and instead of playing with them and loving on them as much as I should I stay wrapped up in my head convincing myself that they are probably not better off without me here. Thank you for being you. You have gotten me through a fucking terrible rough patch lately. Your honesty is so refreshing. Comforting. Normalizing.
Please kill me before you cook me. I made 8 outside sales calls today. I didn’t get killed or eaten.
What is this being an accomplished adult thing? I get stuck if I think too much about what I should be doing or should have already done. It’s like an endless self-chastisement loop that gets in the way to actually doing anything. Baby steps and rewards. It’s taken me years to get there, however.
I got up early enough to take a shower before I got my daughter up. yay!
I ate a big salad for lunch instead of snacks, and I ate *only* one serving of ice cream.
I decided to not stress about cleaning house for a surprise house guest. If the kitchen table is cleared and they have clean sheets to cover the couch, it’ll be okay. Then I turned down another friend’s request for a playdate because I had enough on my plate already, and I didn’t feel guilty about it, either. (That is huge.)
I made progress an online kids consignment I have been meaning to do for years, and I managed to not scream out loud when the printer was being fussy while printing out the required tags. I let my daughter have the cardboard box that I was going to carry everything in to play with instead, I took the time to snuggle my geriatric cat. and I smiled rather than grumped when my husband made a bad pun to cheer me up.
Next up, clearing off said kitchen table and the floor underneath it. If I’m ambitious, I’ll even sweep. Whoohoo!
The first week of school kicked my ass because we’re trying a new latchkey thing and i totally made the wrong decision and my kid is going to have years of therapy because there was a thunderstorm when she was supposed to walk to the bus.
I’m forgiving myself and i’m going to stop beating myself over the head with it.
Therapy seems to be working and for the first time in a long while, I can actually see some progress. Instead of focusing on the big picture and hating myself for not accomplishing a damn thing, I got a few chores done this week, spent time with my husband, and actually wrote something that seemed to really make a difference even though the idea of writing it made me super nervous.
I have thought of you all day – so I’m glad to see this post. You nailed it exactly – we DO set the bar too high for ourselves – and, I’ll be honest, social media feeds into that with the “perfection” that is posted on every possible outlet. We have to learn to be okay with the fact that we didn’t get out of our pjs today. Or that the only reason we got out of our pjs was to go to the store to ensure the wine supply would last through the night. We have to be okay with the fact that no, the kitchen floor didn’t get scrubbed, but I got to play with my child or make my husband laugh – that they knew THEY were the important things in my life. We HAVE to learn to let go of what isn’t so very important and focus on what is important.
At work today, I stumbled across a link to an article that I had saved a while ago that I *almost* forwarded to you – but didn’t (and, of course, I don’t have access to at this very moment-yes, I am kicking myself about now) but it was basically the same premise – only stated far better – live for today. Focus on the now, the what DID get accomplished – not the what didn’t.
Oh dear God – this must be the longest comment I’ve EVER left ANYWHERE – so I’ll shut up now. After I tell you, once again, this is something we all suffer from…needlessly. Now, if we can just realize that.
Today I didn’t organize anything, or clean anything, or send out my resume anywhere, but I did meet my kids at the bus stop and give them a snack that they liked when they got home. And kissed my husband like I meant it when he got home (after bitching about the bus stop for about 5 minutes first, however).
Today I managed to speak to someone in person without my wonderful husband or a friend there as back up, go me! (oh and also didn’t eat any one – which being a vegetarian is probably a good idea), and I need to thank the friend that pointed me to your blog (you know who you are!)
I went to a Meet the Staff BBQ at my kids school and sat by myself as far away from everyone as I could get. Depression is kicking my ass today.
Today I took my meds without flinching, and finally accepted that I was born 150 mg of antidepressant short and no amount of talk therapy, berating myself, crying, etc. will solve a physical deficiency. Peace!
Not an occupation? Seriously? How about crime fighter who protects the environment: You take out the bad guys and EAT them to get rid of the bodies (or at least most of it…)
Only if you need to cook them first that might slow you down, but then you could write a cookbook – a zombie crime-fighter cookbook.
Now what could Victor find to fault in that?
This whole week I got up before my family and walked for 45 minutes, this is huge. I have noticed Im less cranky, not by much. Im so dang proud of myself.
I made an appointment and got a great hair cut.
Im so thrilled to hear your working on your next book, just can’t wait.
I passed my life/health/variable annuity license exam on the first try–with an 88% pass rate. So, now I get a raise.
I went to my daughter’s swim meet.
I was a shoulder to cry on for two of my closest friends who are having marital problems.
On retrospect, this week wasn’t too bad.
I volunteered at a food bank today with my work colleagues, and talked to people I didn’t know all day. Then I went to a barbecue and MINGLED. Not as much as other people, but still I mingled. I had social anxiety all day, but I didn’t let it get in my way for once, and I’m proud of that.
Our accomplishment for the day: We did not make slippers out of our old, senile, and incredibly noisy cats today.
But that’s probably because they slept a lot today.
And a serious accomplishment as well – I did a second round of review on 6 modules for a training course that I’ve been contracted to do. I thought it was going to take me two weeks, and it looks like it’s going to be 3 days of work instead.
Today I actually loaded the dishwasher before I went to work and ran it. Go me.
this week i haven’t washed ANY dishes. or taken out the trash. it’s a tiny bit smelly in here, but i’m ignoring it.
what i DID do is have some really great days with my students. we’re doing work that they seem really engaged in. and we’re reading a really fun book that is making them crack up (Otherwise Known as Sheila the Great). and seeing THEM have fun puts a smile on my face. 🙂
Jenny, you are amazing! I needed yesterday’s post as much as I needed today’s. Thank you for writing. I feel less alone.
This week I have started a local geek meet (which terrifies me but I’m looking forward to it at the same time) and I drew a picture of my 4 year old as a superhero.
I exercised. I hand watered the two trees we planted last year (thanks, drought!). I cleaned out the veggie drawer that was growing new forms of life. Which maybe that makes me a vengeful god for destroying an entire new form of life rather than a good thing I did?
I haven’t read all the comments, so I apologise if someone has already suggested it, but I can recommend http://www.unfuckyourhabitat.com/ as a great resource to help.
It’s primarily about sorting your physical surroundings, but can be applied to anything. Plus there’s swearing! Not as in oath-taking but cursing. In her own words “There will be many f-bombs.”
I want to finish by thanking you for your blog. As someone who doesn’t suffer from depression or anxiety, your honesty allows me to gain some understanding (and therefore more compassion) for those that do.
I am glad you heard what we were saying. I agree the bar is too high. I am fighting to apply for jobs because failing paralyzes me.
What have I done worthwhile this week? This week I turned 30 and I actually managed to enjoy it without breaking down over the fact that I am 30, living with my parents, and unemployed despite fighting my ass off in my profession. I am proud of myself for enjoying my birthday. I guess that counts as avoiding something awful too. I didn’t have a break down or panic attack.
Today I didn’t read- anything that I am supposed to read.
Today I got a haircut that I’ve been putting off and I actually like it. Also, I didn’t eat anyone either. Except myself. Because I’m a nail biter.
Even though I haven’t made any sales yet this month, I made 15 new mini book pendants for the craft show I’m doing next weekend, which raises funds for a library as well as Soroptomist International, a group that helps women and girls succeed in life.
My .02 cents: I just caught up on 2 weeks of Bloggess posts. It is Friday. I have no kids, 2 dogs and 1 husband. I should be able to hold it together because of my “lack” of things to keep me occupied. But, I can’t. I see all the things I have failed to do. I can’t even find my “to-do” list. I locked myself in the bathroom twice at work and cried, then tried to give myself a pep-talk in the mirror.
I thank you so much for reminding me that I’m not alone in feeling like a failure at living life. I just need tto be gentler to me.
I do things well, and I should make those things my “to-do” list.
You lost 42 pounds this year?!? Holy fucking shit, dude. That’s like twice as much as my kid weighs. You lost two (very small) people. That’s badass.
Also, yes, some people will hate that your new book is different. Those people can suck an old banana, and many more people will love it and even if only like 6 people love it out of every 25 that read it, you made a difference to them and that’s cool. I would KILL to be working on a SECOND book. (Well, not a person. But I would kill a zombie. But not Zombie Bloggess, hopefully.)
Had a Dean come and escort a student out because he was cursing me out today. Did it with impeccable grace and calm demeanor, and afterwards my class settled down and learned much better for a while.
Then the copiers broke down and I missed a deadline, and I got grumpy. But you know what? I didn’t suck today, and I’ll be ready for the new week when Monday rolls around like I always am.
Time dump the grump and celebrate a little.
It’s funny that you should say “I didn’t eat anyone today” because there is only one useful thing that ever came out of my mother’s mouth that brings me comfort. When things seem too scary I hear my mother’s words in my head “Nickie, they can’t eat you!” and somehow, I don’t know how, but it calms me down…because they can’t eat me. Even if I get really pissed off and tell them to, still, they cannot and that makes things suck a little less.
This. All of this. I read your blog regularly and never comment because I feel like a big dork and really does anyone really care what I think. This post though and the last. I feel like I have my shit together a handful of times in the month. I am a mother, a wife, a full time university student. I frequently feel like I have no idea what I am doing, that I am not as intelligent as others around me, guilt in that I can’t help out at the elementary school, take my kids on vacation on a whim, keep dust off all the damn things. I feel like the biggest impostor in the world and that someday someone will revoke my grown up card.
I have come to realize though that I have to look at the daily accomplishments. I got dressed today, my kids played with each other nicely, I plowed through a ton of homework. Thank you for the new post. The reminder to celebrate our daily accomplishments and to lighten the hell up on ourselves was perfectly timed and much needed. Thank you.
Today I did not say the mean things I was thinking to a person who disrespected me and my profession. I gave my students my love and understanding. And I gave three dogs a flea bath.
I manage my anxiety and depression…so, I get what you are saying. Love you like you love others. You deserve love. And, thanks for the laughs and smiles. We are not perfect, but we are pretty fucking awesome.
In regards to the last post.. I tend to disable myself with discouragement. Cleaning the house always feels like a MAJOR accomplishment, and that’s usually JUST THE FRONT HALF! I don’t even have the mental health issues to blame! I might have a small case of social anxiety, or clinical depression.. but nothing compared to you… TRULY, you impress me with what you accomplish with your confessions and struggles! LOVE YOU!!!
In regards to THIS post, I actually repeat what I did get done a LOT! I feel successful this school year cause I’m not turning into “mommy dearest” EVERY morning getting my girls ready. I feel successful when I actually feel HAPPY to see them after school, instead of worn out, and exhausted. I tend to feel like a crappy mom.. but I remind myself that all three babies are healthy, fed, clothed, and happy. They sing all the time, and they laugh A LOT.. at the end of the day, they want to hug and kiss me good night, and they tell me they love me… I can’t be that bad. 🙂 Neither can you!! <3 Perfection is boring, anyhow!
Read The Hobbit with my boys for two hours instead of doing math. It felt better than being rigid about our schedule and everybody was content and engaged.
Went to my dr today and took control of my health. Told him what we will be doing going forward.
I’ve spent the last few days teaching myself to hoop dance and I’m quite proud of the tricks I’ve learned even if nobody will watch me or be proud of me.
I did not eat anyone, human or other. 8 years veggie and while I think about eating people’s faces from time to time I’ve got great self control. If I can walk away from bacon I can walk away from eating someone’s face.
I made my husband laugh. My dog was happy to see me when I got home. It’s a good day!
Hmm, things I accomplished this week. I cleaned up my yard, which I’d been meaning to do all summer. I was super nice and helpful to numerous rude clients. Biggest of all, I finally pulled the plug and decided to put my house on the market and start looking for a new one, something I’ve been dithering over and terrified of since my husband died a few years ago. And you know what? Now that I’ve made the decision, I feel better. I am NOT freaking out over the realtor coming to do an eval on Tuesday. What gets cleaned before then gets cleaned, and what doesn’t, doesn’t. If I don’t get around to cleaning my baseboards (for the first time in ten years), it is not going to lower the price of my house by $20,000.
Every night my brain pops up every single human interaction I’ve had for the last week and tells me how stupid and awful and fail-ey I was at that interaction. If I try to change the channel, it’ll start bringing up all my human interaction fails for the past few years instead. I have this game I play where I blow them up. The scene that’s playing on my memory tv? I blow it up. Picture a nuclear explosion, mushroom clouds, kaboom, and I make the “p-khoooowwhoooosh” noise too if I have to. It makes the embarrassing pain go away.
I did not beat the sh!t out of anyone.
I have not called my husband an idiot all week (OK, maybe just not to his face.)
I finished almost all of my tasks on time at work.
My 3yo told me I am her best friend.
Well. The bar is too fucking high. And who put it there? We do. We do it to ourselves every day. And for what? What do we think will happen if we actually ever hurdle this bar? I have a sinking feeling that there will not be a sexy dude waiting to give me a damned medal, or a group of perfect mothers waiting to induct me into their club. It’s all one cruel hoax, and I’ve had enough.
What did I do this week? I don’t know. Let’s just go with what I didn’t do.
This week I did NOT look like anyone I saw in a magazine, not even for a minute. This week I did not clean my bathroom, or cook dinner one time, or force my kids to play outside more. I didn’t go for a run every day, I didn’t eat a single piece of fruit, and I didn’t go to sleep one night without a trazodone. I did not quit my job (I work for my parents), I didn’t leave my husband (it’s been a rough patch), and I didn’t make anyone cry (that I know of).
I sit in those curriculum nights/open houses for my kids’ school and I don’t know a damned soul. Even though my kids have already been at this school for a year. Plus? I never remember names. My kids met these two girls who moved in up the street who are their age. They play constantly. Their mother always says to me, “Hi Heather! How are you?!?!” And I’m all, “Um, fine. How are you…?” and those dots are her name that I can never remember. Or, I do sort of remember. I think it’s Kim. It probably is Kim but I’m convinced that even if that is her name, and I call her that, she’ll fuck with me and say, “OH! Who’s Kim? My name is Karen!” and the next time, it will be some other K word because all the people hate me.
I get it. I have three chapters written in my book. My erotic fiction book. Yeah. I like it but I’m too scared for anyone else to read it because it’s sex (whisper that word, please, because I’m embarrassed). So, yeah. YOU GO, GIRL! We’re all proud of you no matter what and if your book makes me giggle and smile and nod my head only 1/3 as much as this blog? It will be awesome.
My sex scenes on the other hand? *Cringe*
Today in Australia we all have to vote. It’s only 10:30am and my family is already done. That is pretty cool (and I voted preferentially, which meant I could vote for a good party without wasting my vote but had to number 27 boxes in order, which is hard).
Yesterday, home from work due to hazardous depression levels (hazardous to the kids at the child care centre where I work) I had a pretty pleasant day and wrote over two chapters on my book. That’s an awesome effort. Also, I had been smart enough to notice in advance that things were getting bad mentally, and already had a medical certificate ready to go, and had crossed the truly depressing hurdle of telling my boss that I’d be sick, and why.
Louise Curtis
Today, I FINALLY finished making the final exam and sent it in to be printed just in time – and I did not curl into a ball of panic. I just pushed through the stress and kept a level head.
I loved seeing you scratch out the things that were preventing you from celebrating your victories. You should do that more often. I should too. Thank you for reminding me of that.
Today I took a bath and washed and braided my hair. I got dressed. I washed most of the dishes and made pumpkin bread. I tried doing zentangles for the first time.
The answer was there you just had to see it…with a little help from your friends.
What a beautiful thing you did, crossing off the SHAME aspects of those sentences. Did you breathe today? All day? Win!
Seriously, I do work as an intuitive, so I get lots of opportunities to see how people function and what they do to stop themselves from functioning. Number one is all that self-talk that goes on in their heads, unencumbered. If I could suggest one thing to you, I would say to censor everything that goes on and on in your mind, to the point that you are paying attention to everything that you think. When you hear yourself think anything that is not kind, is shameful, or that you would be unwilling to say to someone else because it reeks of something negative, tell yourself to,”Cancel that.” You don’t have to replace it with something positive, at least not at first, just do yourself the favor of observing your thoughts. It’s actually very hard work but once you get the hang of it, it will be with you forever. Then just breathe in for 4, hold for 4, out for 8…and keep doing it until you can hear the silence in your head.
An artist friend of mine just posted, “Back out to the studio, I’m putting a do not disturb sign on my peace of mind.” I think this is great advice for smart, creative people, such as yourself. After spending literally an entire night awake, stressed out and berating myself for not getting things done perfectly and faster at my job, and for struggling to help my high school senior make good class choices, and my failure to make it to calling hours for a close friends’ brother’s funeral because I was trying to perfect things at work, I think this is advice I need to take. When my perfectionism kicks up my anxiety and leads me into a downward depressive cycle where my mind tries to convince me I suck at everything, and then ratchets up the potential for this becoming a reality by preventing from sleeping- I think it’s time to try something new. In the future, I’m going to try visualizing hanging a “do not disturb” sign on my peace of mind. It’s worth a try.
Today (and last night) I talked to a friend whose 11 year old son was just diagnosed with lymphoma. I can’t imagine the pain she is going through but I’m learning that all she needs is a good listener, a shoulder to cry on, and a good meal for her other kids while they are at the hospital. I can do that.
Also, today is my parents’ 45th wedding anniversary. And 9/11 is my mom’s 70th birthday.
That kind of stuff makes me not sweat the small stuff. Life is good.
Today I got dressed and actually went to an appointment with a gallery to drop off work. I’m still amazed it happened.
p.s. YAY ME. YAY YOU.
Modern society is incredibly adept at making all of us feel inadequate. I think that we compare ourselves to others’ artificial selves on facebook and in other venues. Our own accomplishments and lives can not live up to the carefully scrubbed and crafted images that we are presented with. I find it helpful to pay attention to my small circle of friends who share their actual lives with me. We support each other in our compromises and recognize our small daily victories. I hope to become confident enough to not to feel judged all of the time and to stop judging myself so harshly. STEP #1 Internalize what I have just commented on and try to tune out all of the “perfect” images that flood my brain and make me feel little. THANKS FOR YOUR BLOG AND YOUR HONESTY!
PS I am going to send this even though I am already worried that it is too rambling and self indulgent My my first step in ignoring that critical inner voice.:)
Today I vacuumed and spent quality time with my son. Also I got paperwork for being a homeroom mom and I was overwhelmed but felt better after talking to another mom.
Oooooo…this is sort of like HLB engagement questions! I’m good at this 🙂
I, too, went to one of my kids’ parent-teacher gathering! I’m going to pat myself on the back a couple more times…I meditated! This is really hard for me. Sitting still and emptying my mind is virtually Herculean. And we were on time to school today! Yay! A first for the year 🙂
I successfully stepped back from a potentially disastrous living situation. Not with zombies.
I LOVE how much solidarity and support you received on yesterday’s post. Warms my heart so thoroughly.
Alright so, one day about 2 years ago I took a new drug for the first time
(this isn’t going where you think it’s going)
I fought really hard for it, because I believed it would help me. And it did, the first day or two. That first day, especially, was really awesome. (Drug was Nuvigil) I was wearing the Cape of Getting Shit Done. I didn’t care how fucking insignificant it was, I was writing that shit DOWN. I was MAKING A LIST. And so, I made my list. I was so proud that I filled every line on one of those little 5×7 legal pads. Loaded up the washer? GO ME! Emptied the trash can? CELEBRATE! I kept that list. Subsequent lists weren’t as impressive.
I’m thinking we should do that. Did you make breakfast? lunch? dinner? TOTALLY COUNTS. Write down anything you do beyond vegging out in front of the tv or playing facebook games. Answered 4 emails? Nope. You answered the email from Karen. Next line: You answered the email about the whatever. Stretch it out as far as you have to.
Then look at the lines and know you did some stuff today. And that that was enough. And if you didn’t? There’s always tomorrow. Write down “Kept myself alive” and consider it a win for the day.
Despite the fact I have had a pressure headache all day, I did NOT snap at anyone who came up asking me stupid questions (“there are no stupid questions”).
I have not eaten all the cookies I just baked before eating dinner. And I will endeavor to not eat ALL of them after dinner.
I did not buy a lot of candy and junk when I stopped at World Market this afternoon, but instead bought what I came for and only ONE bottle of wine. Go, me!
Today I made it through today.
Today, I ordered the cake for my daughters’ birthday party. Which is tomorrow, and they almost rejected my order because it was less than 24 hours’ notice, but *they took the order* and made me promise to order three days’ ahead of time next time. My daughters will have a My Little Pony cake and Avengers gift bags with Spiderman bubbles, and they’re so excited they peed a little, and I got all warm and fuzzy inside. And also a little grossed out. But I also didn’t eat anyone I know. Yet. Vodka is in the future; we’ll see what happens then.
So much love and sunshine for you. <3
I drove to my dad’s apartment to pay his rent and check his mail before going to visit his 90-something stroke-victim-self at the rehab joint where I helped him remember how to read a book [but didn’t stay to visit long enough]. Then I went home and took a nap [instead of going to the gym]. I wrote a chapter title and one sentence of my next book [instead of writing 2,000 words].
Today I took a 10 minute break from work to lie in the sun by the water so I wouldn’t start yelling or crying or cry-yelling at people. And tomorrow I’m probably going to kayak on a gorgeous lake while reading a book, and I will hopefully forget about my stupid stressful job. Yay.
On those days you are feeling small, you can look at that awesome zombie superhero portrait of yourself and channel your inner badass.
And if you decide to eat me, please do kill me first. Please don’t microwave me as I am claustrophobic. Perhaps a rotisserie rigged over hot coals and some hickory smoke. Oh, and don’t forget to cook me to an internal temp of 170°. I wouldn’t want you to get food poisoning.
Everyone feels inadequate, trust me! I’m a hairdresser and people tell me everything and trust me sister you are not alone! My accomplishments this week?
~I stopped Netflix instead of watching Sons of Anarchy all day like I don’t have shit to do. (Didn’t do said shit but I didn’t watch SOA all day)
~I didn’t punch anyone in the face. If anyone knew how often I want to punch them they’d realize it’s a win!
~I did not start my day with vodka instead of coffee. I’m not an alcoholic but I do deal with the public so vodka before 9am is really tempting sometimes.
~Last but definitely not least…I did not tell my friend she’s selfish little See You Next Tuesday as I listened to her rant. My husband and I have been trying for 6 years (which she is aware of) yet she insists upon whining EVERY TIME I SEE HER about how hard it is to have 3 little ones under 5. BOTH pregnancies were accidental including wonder of all wonders a 2 for 1 with the twins. All of them are happy and healthy kids that are amazing well adjusted with zero behavior or health problems. Her husband makes enough for her to stay home and she’s still got the audacity to whine about how it’s so hard when I would give anything to trade places.
They’re not big wins but I count ’em anyway. Please don’t be so hard on yourself. You are more amazing than you will ever give yourself credit for. As my wonderful husband says, “Welcome to the club, it’s called Everybody.”
Depending what I’m dying of, you maybe shouldn’t eat me anyway. I would hate for you to make the sacrifice and then catch whatever disease I’m harbouring.
I’m sorry I didn’t reply yesterday – you had so many messages I didn’t think one more, by a crazy Australian lady you don’t even know, would matter. But I want to say that you’re one of my favourite people ever, and I mean that in a genuinely non-stalkerish fashion. And it’s because in addition to being one of the funniest people I’ve met on the internet, you’re human and real and flawed. You are my reminder that I don’t have to be perfect — and I wish that you could be your own reminder of that as well.
I loved your list of things with the parts crossed out, I hope that it continues to be helpful for you because dude. Those bits you crossed out, they don’t even MATTER. (I mean, they do, because clearly they upset you, and that matters… but yeah.)
So, today I went and voted so I don’t get a fine, even though I’m mentally not well lately and had to drag my boyfriend out of bed at silly o’clock in the morning so we could do it before it got too busy.
Also, I didn’t wave a knife around to get rid of the crowds of people who were voting. I think that’s quite an achievement because there were more people than I expected given that it was 8:00 on a Saturday morning and really, those people should have been in bed still, and not setting off my PTSD and making me WANT to wave a knife at them to scare them away.
Also, I did not eat anyone either. Yet.
Today, I painted, b?u?t? ?I? ?a?l?s?o? ?a?l?m?o?s?t? ?b?r?o?k?e? ?m?y? ?n?o?s?e? ?w?h?i?l?e? ?m?e?s?s?i?n?g? ?w?i?t?h? ?m?y? ?e?a?s?e?l? , because I am an a?c?c?i?d?e?n?t?-?p?r?o?n?e? ? artist.
Today, I posted a comment.
PTA is a soul killer. Seriously. I had to stop even trying because my mental health was suffering. And when I tell people that, half of the time they’re all, “OMG me too!” And they’re so relieved someone is talking about the secret soul-killing that we all feel guilty about resisting. Even though it’s EATING OUR SOULS. I’m only half joking here. You are so not alone I can’t tell you.
Also, my 11-yr-old struggles with anxiety and depression, and I tell him, “depression lies,” because you taught me to say that when things are hard. You do meaningful work in the real world, every day.
Today I got a stomach bug in addition to bronchitis. But in the process, I’ve lost 3 pounds ’cause I feel too crapy to eat anything. Or anyone.
Today I managed to get out of bed and be semi productive even though my fibromyalgia made me want to rip off my own arm and beat myself with it. I also managed not to eat anyone.
I don’t know why knowing people at PTA is important to you… But believe me, give a fake name or they will vote and make you President when you are absent one meeting. It happened to me because I showed up more than once after we changed towns during my kid’s 3rd grade. And I gave them my real name, never dreaming of the betrayal to come. And it was for a system wide French Immersion program with 1000 kids, nine schools, and a bunch of French speaking teachers who would sometimes think I could speak French because my husband and child can. So I was president for two years because nobody wanted to be it, then I was Vice President for two years because the president kept setting meeting dates then going out of town. So I was de facto president. Finally my kid aged out of the program and I was off the hook. Even if they seem cliquey they are looking for new leadership blood. Don’t give them your real name!
I actually showed up at work today and didn’t fuck off the entire day (but part of it). Big success!
I’m not even slightly depressed and I STILL only feel like I’m not totally failing at life a few days a month. I think it is a side-effect of being ambitious, not of being a loser.
thank you for promising to cook me first cuz there’s nothing worse than undercooked meat….yuk
PS: you make an awesome zombie
Yesterday my husband had a bicycle accident that left him battered, bruised and with a sprained left, middle finger. It was awful to see what shape he was in when I got to him and I admit I was a not very pleasant combo of scared, angry and wifely concern. Today, as I was driving him to work (said bicycle is now modern art instead of transportation), I asked him how on Earth he sprained that finger. Did he flip off the world as he tumbled through the air? He told me when he landed he hit with his fingertips first. I sarcastically asked if he was trying for a cartoon thing where you spin through the air, land on one hand and then bounce up yelling “TAH DAH”? My husband looked at me, looked down, smirked, and said “Spiderman”. We dissolved into laughter and giggled all the way to his work. I gave him a big loving, kiss good-bye when he got out. My day was a winner before I even got to work.
I love this idea. Today, I went to work (training) on the other side of the county, during rush hour, and arrived early!! I did not stress about my daughter or my hubby. This is a HUGE win for me.
A week ago, things kind of broke for me, and a friend pointed out that I play roles instead of expressing what I need. I do the Perfect Wife, Perfect Mother thing and swallow what I’m really feeling. So I’m working on that, and this week I’ve tried to be honest with my husband and friends about what I’m feeling. My first instinct is (and probably always will be) to hide behind a role, but this week I did a pretty good job of being a not-perfect me.
Today I finished my sparkle violin. (Weird old violin that had no future making music anymore so I covered it in jewels. Looks cool in my store window and I’m proud of it.)
Oh! OH! Also, I had buffalo wings for lunch and DIDN’T DROP ANY SAUCE ON MY SHIRT. I am ROCKING this “grownup” thing.
The back pain that often lays me low has slightly abated today. That means I was able to do shit. Made a batch of red wine chocolate sauce that tastes like sunshine and rainbows all mixed together with unicorn wings. Did THREE loads of laundry. It’s still sitting in a basket somewhere, but it totally counts. Mixed up a batch of peach wine slushies for not particular reason except that it sounded even better than the red wine chocolate sauce. Then I proceeded to make dinner. Amaze-balls! I think this means that tomorrow I have permission to do nothing. You know, the usual.
You know, if a “real” person spoke to us the way we talk to ourselves, we would have punched that bitch’s lights out years ago. That’s my go-to. If someone else said it to me and it made me want to hurt them, it is not okay to say it to myself. Well, there’s that and my other rule: Don’t eat other people’s babies. I tend to set my bar low…
I recently read about SMART goals to set fr yourself to help with depression. Every task that you wish to accomplish should be
Specific
Measurable
Attainable
Relevant
Time limited
This way when you do accomplish something it leaves you feeling great about yourself and the task you have completed. I’ve been trying to implement this new strategy to help alleviate some of my anxiety revolving around my inability to complete most things I start.
Today I had lunch with a friend I hadn’t seen in a few months and I gave her my full attention…no phone, texting, or FBing while we visited. I was totally present with her.
I’ve lost 63 pounds this year, and I did not hit my mother in the head with my crowbar, ANY of the many times she deserved it this week.
The squeaker in my daughter’s copy of Pat the Bunny broke, and she always seems upset that she can’t make the ball squeak. So I ordered a replacement on amazon and was able to fix that page. Just finished a minute ago, so the glue should be dry by the time she wakes up in the morning.
New goal, loose 42 lbs in the next year! Though I’m gonna try to break that down. Current goal, get my BMI down below 30 before my birthday at the end of October.
when i messed up today, i just started over. i didn’t call the day a “wash” and begin again tomorrow, or more conveniently monday.
I worked the concession stand at a high school football game and didn’t once yell “Are you fucking kidding me?!?!” at ANY patrons. I DID, however, serve a particularly bratty kid a bowl of cheese sauce with a few fries in it when he repeatedly yelled “Extra CHEESE!!” over the counter at me as I prepared his cheese fries. I’m not good with the public.
Today I also didn’t eat anyone. And I got over my shyness/social anxiety enough at work to thank a couple customers for being so kind and adorable. (They were elderly and still so in love and the husband told me I couldn’t possibly be old enough to be carrying around the bottle of wine I had in my hand.) They seemed genuinely thrilled and very pleased that I had mentioned this and I like to think I made their day as much as they made mine.
Every time I woke up at 3:14 in the morning this week (which would be every night but last night) I thought about the blessings in my life rather than all the things I was screwing up.
Kefir. Drink kefir every day. Its fucking beneficial bacteria. I bet you have a fan who will bring some kefir grains to a book signing or event. Kefir will kill bad bacteria in your gut. Then they are dead. And cant zombify your brain anymore. Seriously. Bad bacteria eat your brain. Then you feel sad. Pathetic. Anxious. Shameful.
Research the gut brain connection. Kefir has, more than once, rescued me from deep dark depression. Go for the real deal. Find someone with a culture and get them to share. Dont go for the stuff at the grocery store. You will get hooked. Believe it.
This week i rode my bike with my kids to school. Even though i really didnt want to. By day three, it started feeling good. The morning sky is gorgeous. This week i also checked the mail, which ive been avoiding for, um, far far far too long.
Best wishes.
Don’t listen to Victor (like you ever do). If you are going to be a zombie, you should be the best zombie that you reasonably can be. He probably doesn’t think that “Mom” is an occupation, either, and it totally is. Today I kept my kids alive. I even managed to cook dinner. Sure I just made quesadillas on the griddle, because the range is still in the middle of the dining room, but I didn’t order pizza again. It was a hugely successful day.
What’s that quote… Talk to yourself like you would talk to some one you love? i think i could spout all those little sayings that i (and most of us) have been told over the years. Sometimes those sayings can kinda help… Today i made it through work, and no one got hurt. Always remember the little victories
Hugs
Is it just me, or does that Zombie kind of look like you, Jenny?
Kudos on the pages. I’m trying to work on more and I’ve managed only to just sleep more.
Head high. I’m sure most people will think your book is brilliant.
Waiting patiently 🙂
Long time lurker, de-lurking to send you all a hug and a thumbs up. I am halfway through a PhD on exactly this topic – how women negotiate their own, and society’s, expectations every day. It’s called “How much is enough?” and came from many conversations with friends where we all felt like we weren’t enough in some (many) ways. Every day, every minute that you all just carry on, get on with whatever you need to do – work, parent, curl up in bed, cry, eat ice cream – you are enough. This is a fabulous community. Thanks, Jenny.
Jenny and tribe-mates – You are all just wonderful. Thank you from the bottom of my toes to the top of my head. (I’m 6ft, so that’s a lot of thank you!)
I also did not eat anyone today. Or punch someone in the face.
Juleah B – brilliant idea. I’ve just written it on my mirror with a wipey marker.
Today, I advocated for kids – including my own. And I cooked dinner.
I’d also like to encourage KayLa. I had hyperemesis with both of my pregnancies. You are doing great if you can stay hydrated and stay out of the hospital. Taking care of extra kids? You. Are. Amazing.
I baked and frosted a birthday cake and made a dessert and a macaroni salad and did the dishes (twice!) and cleaned 2 bathrooms. I went to Target, took 2 kids to the park and kept them all alive. We are having a party here tomorrow and I was looking around at the so much more I have yet to do (and some of which I won’t do so people will look at my house and wonder what is wrong with me and why can’t I clean it effectively? It’s because I have 5 kids and I really hate cleaning and mostly don’t care except when I do.) So I did a lot today. And I did not eat anyone. And I said “no” when I needed to.
This week I felt happy for 7 hours. In a row.
If you haven’t seen this website yet it opens your eyes to the many lies was say but the reality we live. Everyone hides something.
http://www.danoah.com/2013/09/pulled-from-the-truth-box-week-27.html
Chiming in late, but I can totally relate to what you describe in your last post. I also work on lowering the bar to “did my whole family survive the day?” which so far has been YES. Winning! I was also going to suggest Brene Brown, but I saw that 22+ people already did and you’re BFFs. So, no new suggestions from me, but just hugs and a huge huge big fat “I can totally relate.” Hugs! And onward!
I got the first chapter written in my book! Plus I’m currently watching my toddler sleep in his high chair, and that totally doesn’t suck. Big hugs for finding some light in the dark, Jenny!
Do you like ham? Because I’ve heard that cannibals say humans taste a lot like ham. So if you’re into that, you may make a great zombie one day as well.
A couple months ago, I decided the main bathroom needed redoing. (then put off starting it because I was sure I would fuck it up) Last week I got it mostly painted and even patched some drywall. I will finish it this weekend. And it is looking WAY BETTER than it was.
I got the pieces for the bowl potholders my daughter wants me to sew for her cut out today, and didn’t cut myself with the rotary cutter!
Watching the 2013 Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction, I saw Dave Grohl come on and it made me happy.
Today, I took on an intimidating software update at work and didn’t panic at the complete change of EVERYTHING I know. Everyone else had a day or two to work with it already, but I wasn’t there until today.
I also made a difficult decision regarding the treatment of my depression and anxiety… Something I couldn’t bring myself to do for 2 weeks.
Today, I refrained from sporking anyone.
I am sure there was other stuff, but that was a major accomplishment. So imma celebrate it.
Your blog is kick-ass, and “Let’s Pretend This Never Happened” is kick-ass, and I own two copies of it. I can’t wait for your next book, even if it doesn’t turn out as kick-ass as your first one, I’m looking forward to it. Also, lots of the best people struggle with mental illness, like Robin Williams, and Vincent Van Gogh, and even Abraham Lincoln. I hope you continue to be kinder to yourself. Because you are worth it 🙂
Today I sent in sample chapters for a book I was asked to do for a large publisher. I already have the gig but I think they wanted to make sure I didn’t misspell my own name (it’s been known to happen) or recommend biting people (that happens too, so sue me).
I avoided chickening out and telling myself I wasn’t good enough to have a career as a writer. 🙂
We’re pulling for you, kid. And I think you make one badass zombie.
Totally agree! 🙂
I’m about to work, now. Making a living. One day at a time.
Today I finished off a box of skinny cow chocolate ice cream bars…. less calories than my usual Hagen daz or Dove bars. Big win!
The tips on what to focus on & setting realistic expectations are so helpful to me, thanks! There were days in my past when I didn’t want to live through the day. I think it’s pretty funny that others around me thought I had it together. I didn’t even know what”it” was! Meds, counseling, etc have helped me get out & live. Still some gray days, but now i just let others know what’s going on in my brain;-) We all need to be more honest about where we are, so we can be kinder to ourselves & each other.
“Serving Humanity” <– IT'S A COOKBOOK!
Anyway, I like this idea.
My small success for the week: Having John Hodgman reply to a mustache-related tweet I tweeted at him. (Hey, baby steps, right?) [And actually, this isn't technically a "success" so much as a "really cool thing that John Hodgman did that made my day." But I'd like to think that it's because I kick ass at acknowledging people's deliberate facial hair. Baby steps.]
That portrait totally deserves a spot on the wall in your office!!
Someone told me this one years ago, and it stuck:
Everyone’s FINE
F ucked up
I nsecure
N eurotic
E motional
Dunno if it’s relevant, or helpful, but I’m always good at sharing, so…
love this. and I love your heart. permission to eat me if you promise to cook me first. (oh, and i’m sure you like Mexican because everyone likes mexican, right? ;o) I commented on your previous post and then I got to thinking about your line about the unpacked boxes. jesus how my boxes stare me down. and I always wonder – am I the ONLY one on earth who has all these pathetic boxes in my house? it gets me down a lot because it’s so overwhelming for me. we painted and redid a bunch of stuff in our house (for which I packed all our photos in boxes) THREE YEARS AGO. I still do not have all the boxes unpacked. it makes me feel like shit, but I just can’t seem to get out from under it. I got major work done a few weeks ago and I felt like a million dollars. one small step for mankind, one huge motherfucking step for me!
I cleaned out the sink and started finishing up the kitchen (we moved in 3 months ago, and still half of everything isn’t put away).
I had a good time with my older daughter this evening. I didn’t lose my shit at anyone today, not even my nearly-4 yo when she had one of her random I’m-losing-it moments, or my husband. Mostly. OK, nobody’s perfect.
This is a good thing. I need to start writing these down at the end of every day. Going to bed on a positive note is so much nicer than going to bed thinking of everything I didn’t do…
You have no idea how happy your posts make me. I am grateful to see you pop up in my newsfeed. Normal does not exist, and it’s nothing to strive for. Unique is better than anyone’s idea of normal could ever be. Keep going! Just keep going.
This week I had a job interview and I think I kicked ass at it.
Sure, it pays less than my current job, but if I get it, I’m probably 1000% less likely to randomly burst into tears at work.
Also, today I made two small children very happy, because I had a large, empty, cardboard box in which they could play.
This week I got dressed in something other than sweats, did my hair, and did basic makeup! My husband said a few times “wow, why are you all prettied up”? Instead of saying to myself “wow I’m that dumpy day to day?” I said “Thank you for saying I’m pretty honey” and gave him a big hug and a kiss! I also did my daughters hair twice (its a fete), and I’ve been able to write daily blog posts and have taken down my caffeine intake!
I meant to say, one of the things that boosts me on bad days is you. We can’t really afford any sort of therapy and I worry about when I run out of my zoloft prescription in the next 4 months but I’m trying to stay positive. What I love about you is you flat out say “god this sucks” and its nice to know that someone so crazy and that makes me and my husband laugh gets through it and manages to uplift others. You are fantastic. I know you hear it a lot, but reading your blog is sometimes the best thing that happens to me all day.
When I read, ‘Is it Just Me,’ my answer would be about a minute or two per week. One day a week will hold one or two of those precious minutes in which I feel okay. Lots of times I skip a week or two. I am saying that here because I think there are already over 3000 comments on that post. Also, after reading that post, I had a burst of inspiration to start listing all of the things that I can see as kick ass about my self, things I usually ignore because I am so focused on how bad I suck in most other ways. Then I read this post and saw your list. Maybe I will make a list of my awesome things and post it on my blog.
I can say one thing that has helped me reduce the number of panic attacks I have had lately. It was something I found in a place I never expected. I was reading this book, a kind of book I would normally never read. I read it because of the way I heard someone else describe it. It wasn’t a self help book. It was someone’s memoir. And it had nothing to do with the things I struggle with (agoraphobic / panic attack issues). But reading this man’s experiences, and, more importantly, experiencing how he looked at the world, helps me to stay in the moment and not be freaked out all of the time. The book is called, “The Heart and the Fist.’ By Eric Greitens and I am probably spelling his name wrong.
You are an awesome zombie. And you’re like Bruce the Shark in Finding Nemo who is in a support group with other sharks who don’t want to eat fish.
And you are funny. You make me laugh and Dr. Bernie Siegel says that laughter is like jogging for my heart.
Congrats on the 2 pages! This is a quote about writing that I love cause it is soooo true:
“Writing is the only thing that when I do it, I don’t feel I should be doing something else.” -Gloria Steinem
I slept in late and didn’t feel guilty about it. I dragged myself to the gym and cleaned 1 out of three of the bathrooms. I washed the shower curtain liner instead of throwing it out and buying a new one.
I can’t think of anything kick-ass, but these are my small starts. It’s all I got but I’m pretty proud that I had something to add. That in itself is pretty cool.