From a distance…

Conversation Victor and I had while passing by a frozen yogurt shop which specializes in having new weird flavors every week:

me:  Holy shit.  Does that say “Fucked Up Green Apple?”  Is that their new flavor?

Victor:  Of course not.  It’s…wait…does it say Fucked Up Green Apple?

me: Because that would be kind of fucked up, right?  And aptly named, I guess.

And of course then we had to actually go in to take a picture of the Fucked Up Green Apple.

Ah. Never mind then.

I’d like to think that everyone passing by had the same reaction as us, but I suspect this was some sort of yogurt-based Rorschach test we both failed.  But we failed it together, so it’s nice to do something as a couple.  I say that’s a win.  Victor says it’s a sign that I’m contagious.  It’s possible we’re both right.

*************

And in other news, it’s Sunday, which means its time for python fights!*

What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

What you missed on the internets:

This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

This weeks wrap-up sponsored by the fabulous women behind “Female Moments” a series of short, funny videos reflecting the everyday moments in the average woman’s life. It’s focused on women’s “issues,” but the series is relatable to both men and women as often times men are a witness to (or an active participant in) a woman’s “moments”…whether they like it or not.  You can check it out here.

*I apologize for the lack of python fights.  I just wanted to see if you were paying attention.

126 thoughts on “From a distance…

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I agree. If it said fucked up that would be totally bad ass. Love the new shirt I’m going to have to get some for the fam. for Christmas.

  2. I don’t think I’d want to try Fucked Up Green Apple. Blergh.

    Also, yay for you being contagious. I bet there’s no vaccine, either.

  3. Yes, I thought it looked like “fucked up green apple”, too…then again, I’ve been reading a lot of things wrong lately. Oh, and I almost put my wallet in my land line phone cradle this afternoon, until I caught myself halfway there. (At least I didn’t put the phone in my purse; it wouldn’t do me any good outside the damn house.) Brain fog…I has it, and maybe you guys have a touch of it, too.

    Oh, and I appreciate that you’d definitely cook me before you ate me, because I really can’t deal with meat that’s any less than well done myself (yes, I DO want my burger to be a hockey puck, thankyouverymuch)–no Robin Tartare, damn it! (A small request: if at all possible, could you smoke me over hickory for 20 hours like good BBQ pork? Since supposedly people taste like pork (hence the whole “long pig” business), it would probably make sense, and I’m more than fat enough that it would baste the meat very well and be really tender to boot. (Dear God, now I’m telling someone I’ve never met exactly how I’d want her to cook and eat me…how is this my life? Oh, and I remember reading a Readers’ Digest Condensed Book as a kid–Congo Kitabu, IIRC–in which the author described eating something that he was told was porcupine but turned out to be human; apparently it tasted a lot like pork. OK, I’m going to shut up now before I dig this hole any damn deeper….)

  4. Green apple as a frozen yogurt flavor is fucked up. Eww. Otherwise, those places are actually pretty awesome. Our kids go in, gets about two molecules of yogurt and then fill their bowls with candy. Fun. 🙂

  5. The phrase “Crazy for you.” takes on a deeper dimension when applied to you and Victor, doesn’t it, Jenny?
    That having been said, you’re lucky to have each other. Can you imagine where you’d be without Victor, or vice versa?
    Scary stuff, kids.
    By the way, that sign looked like “Fucked Up Green Apple” to me as well.
    Maybe you are contagious….

  6. Many years ago, my great-aunts made a gorgeous quilt featuring all of the state birds. Mom now has it hanging on display in one of her guest bedrooms. Since the names of the birds are stitched in capital block letters, the state bird of Alabama is no longer a Flicker. It always provides a chuckle for whomever stays in that room.

  7. Life is so much more entertaining when I forget my glasses. I would have thought it said “Fucked up” too. I also think that applies to anyone who decides to make Green Apple a yogurt flavor. Of course, they could make it a whole line of flavors, like “Holy Fuck Angel food cake” flavor or “Don’t Give a Fuck jellybean and ham” flavor.

  8. If you mix it with it’s neighbor then you can truly mean “It’s like apples and oranges”…

  9. Twice now I have been to DairyQueen and misread the POM-Berry smoothie as PORN-Berry. It’s nice to know I’m not alone in misreading things.

  10. I’m with you on that one. I would have gone into that shop just to find out what Fucked Up Green Apple tasted like.

  11. We had a poster at work with the WRONG font for this question: “How did I do?”
    It always looked like “How dildo?” to me.

  12. It *should* say Fucked Up Green Apple. Who wants green apple frozen yogurt? The whole point of frozen yogurt is to make it taste as much like ice cream as scientifically and flavor-fully possible. What? Why? GREEN APPLE is reserved for SHERBET.

  13. Re: This is water- we also have the ability, within those lines of mundane frustration, to be kind enough to make somebody else have a nice day. That way, even if we don’t have a nice day, we can know it’s possible because we did it for somebody else (so it has to exist).

  14. Yo Amazing.

    (Is the name of the nearby yogurt place that sign reminds me of. But yeah, “PUCKER UP” does look a lot like “FUCKED UP.” Even when you know what it says.)

  15. (1) For YEARS, I’ve been seeing the semis on the road for a trucking company called “DART” and reading it as “BARF” …
    (2) It’s not just your eyes. For years, my ex-wife thought that the Beatles were singing, “She’s Got A Chicken To Ride”.
    Which, I guess, would tie Beyoncé neatly into this diatribe …

  16. I am severely disappointed in the lack of python fights… 🙁
    I got all excited and everything…. 😛
    Also, I love the shirt.

  17. I think “pucker up” apple-flavored frozen yogurt is pretty “fucked up”. Nuff said.

  18. Thanks for the referral to This Is Water. Amazing and inspiring. What a gift that man had, and oh how he is missed.

  19. Oh my god, the hairy chest pin made me howl with laughter. My fave? Scott Bakula has a hairy frontula….that would’ve made me snort milk out of my nose. Btw, it totally looks like fucked up apple.

  20. That’s okay. I thought the flavor next to it said ‘Freshly Peckered Orange’. So I’m in the same boat.

    Unsure about the success of THAT flavor, though.

  21. I feel like Fucked Up Green Apple should involve vodka.

    Also, I am astonished and offended on his behalf that Mark Ruffalo’s gorgeous chest hair is not featured on that Pinterest board! He’s the one who taught me to appreciate the beauty in being follicularly well-endowed. 🙂

  22. That’s ok.. I read the first thing as saying “frozen yogurt ship.” The thing of it is, if you said ship, I wouldn’t have been at all surprised.. maybe that can be your next post.

  23. Never lie to a girl about python fights. Just sayin’.

    Also: I’d like to think I’d try the Fucked Up Green Apple flavor. I’m on the fence enough that I wouldn’t know for sure until I was faced with the possibility.

  24. David Foster Wallace is a great loss to the world and should remind us all that depression is a lying cunt.

  25. OMG, do you think they changed the name as you were walking into the store and then changed it back as soon as you left? Because I don’t.

  26. Whenever I read posts that have Victor featured, it give me warm fuzzies. Because the two of you are proof that there really is someone out there for everyone. And it makes me happy that you both found your someone. And makes me appreciate my own weird hubby even more.

  27. Totally thought it said fucked up as well. Can’t make out the orange flavor at all. Where’s the python fights? Oh, you little trixter you! And i can’t unsee all that hair. UGH. So glad hubby is nearly bare chested. I’m sure he’d hate for me to have to wax his chest..lol.

  28. Considering I don’t even like the flavor of Green Apple, I think your version makes much more sense. Though it would make me wonder if that meant that it is actually a flavor that I would like now because they messed it up. And then I would debate getting a sample. But then I would get the French Vagina like I always do. I mean, Vanilla.

  29. That’s no penis cake! My husband and I made one for a friend of ours. Not only was it bigger than that one (size matters after all), it had realistic veining in the frosting, hand applied, toasted coconut pubic hair, and it was rigged TO EJACULATE. Yes, when the birthday girl bent down to give it a kiss, the penis ejaculated coffee creamer in her face.

  30. I was feeling the lack of pythons UNTIL I got to “best captions ever”. There I spent a delighted 30 minutes or so . . .
    ps I love the new way of looking at life. I have been writing down what I did today and crossing things off. My list is completed at all times!

  31. Who is the model for your backwards t-shirt? He needs to shave the back of his neck…

  32. We went through Taco Bell drive up and there was a sign at the window that read: Don’t forget to ask for our Hot Ass Sauce! I looked at my husband and said I couldn’t believe he was going to eat somewhere that admitted they caused Hot Ass Sauce! Then we changed it to Assauce, which of course isn’t a word but it makes it even more funny.

  33. It may be your eye are going bad as you age or something fucked up like that. For instance I misread this beer as saying

    “A Slightly Good Brew” pic.twitter.com/u7R2v0P7Gh

    Who would want a slightly good beer?

    Note: since you cannot link photos on comments, one will have to cut-N-paste the link.

  34. In my opinion, sour apple frozen yogurt is inherently fucked up. If it’s not a flavor that you can throw twenty types of candy bars on it…it’s not a flavor meant for frozen yogurt.

  35. Thank you for the link “This is water.” I clicked it, thinking it would be just a cool, pretty, new angle view of riversoceansrain. But then I watched the video, and heard the words, and almost cried. It is so true. Sometimes I get swallowed up in the day in day out slog. And then I choose to raise my head about the fog and see things differently. Sometimes I feel profound sadness when I raise my head and see the despair, and bone tired weariness of the people around me. Sometimes I feel SO. MUCH. joy and awe at this miracle of earth. But the important thing is that I SEE. IT.

    the commencement speaker in the video puts it into words so much more clearly than I ever could.

    PS – I discovered your blog this past july after reading your first book, and binged on it from beginning to now in about 1 month!!!

  36. I didn’t comment before, but I just want to say thank you for your posts this week. Yes, a thousand times yes, as I toss another Lunchable at my kids or eat cereal for lunch for the 5th (OK 10th) day in a row, I hear you and I feel like a fuck-up at the end of the month too. Even though I think I’ve managed to fool other people. You are not alone.

  37. Long ago, in the era before everyone had a cell phone camera (alas), when renting videos was new, 7-11 decided to get into the video rental business and put a banner over the doors of every store in Phoenix which read “Stop in for a quick flick.” Every single one of them had the seam of the banner creased in exactly the right way so the capital L and the capital I in “flick” ran together. Everyone I knew thought 7-11 had banners up reading “Stop in for a quick fuck.”

    It amused us for years.

  38. I am so freaked out by all the chest hair!
    Ewwww!
    I don’t like hairy men, although some of those are fine looking men….I may have to make them wear shirts when I fuck them in my mind…sorry Pierce Brosnan….sorry young Sam Elliot….
    no wonder I married a platinum blond…not too much hair and it’s a bit gingery, which is sorta cute.

  39. I was grocery shopping with my mom once and thought a seasoning by Emeril Lagasse said “Knocked Up Garlic.” It was actually “Kicked Up Garlic,” but I think my version would have sold a lot more!

  40. Marketing ploy. The burning question is how much Puckered Up Green Apple yogurt do they sell, because even making green apple flavored yogurt is fucked up. If you ask me. I realize you didn’t.

  41. Side topic-would it be possible to build something that allows new people commenting to reply to the comments of other people. That would be psychedelic. Can you imagine it? Like, 50,000 conversations taking place AT ONCE on your blog. And you could be the puppet master. Like book club on steroids ( my kind, anyway, where almost no one reads the book and everyone talks at once). I want to reply to Carolyn up there on number 17. I’d like to see that quilt. Maybe she could Pin it. And Lissa, I loved the hairy chest site, too. I was gratified to finally see Burt Reynolds at the bottom. I don’t think Andy Gibb was there, though. He was pretty hairy. Um. I’m going now, this was fun.

  42. So I realize this has nothing whatsoever to do with your post, but being the Doctor Who fan you are, I thought you might enjoy knowing that they ARE PUTTING TARDIS IN SPACE. Here’s the link to tell you all about it: ckstarter.com/projects/573935592/were-putting-a-tardis-into-orbit-really

  43. I think you’re great and love you’re writing. Occasionally, I post comments. You never respond, and that’s okay. I mean it hurts my feelings a little, but you’re this fancy blogger person, and I’m just me. Which seems to be enough for most of my friends, but since you couldn’t pick me out of a line-up*, I think we’re at an impasse.

    *Please note: I have never been in a line-up. Though it would be kind of fun as long as you weren’t the guilty person. Though I suppose it could be a problem if you were identified as the guilty person, and then the police are thinking, “Wait, we just grabbed her off the street to fill up the line-up, but maybe she IS guilty.” And then you’re thrown in jail for being helpful. Which seems sort of sucky.

    Anyway…I hope you happen to reply to this post because I’ve been searching forever for apple yogurt. So I need to know where you found this. Note: by “forever”, I mean for a year. I would’ve given up long before forever had passed if I’d really been searching that long. I’m not very good with long-term commitment. Especially to yogurt flavors.

  44. You do not want to know the fail that “yogurt-based Rorschach test” engendered in my mind!

    But now, after reading your conversation, I think it’s a kind of fail that I actually _did_ read “pucker up” when I looked at the first picture. Now I has a sad…

  45. I totally passed.

    I read it as “crushed up green apple” which is kind of what you have to do to the apple to make yoghurt I’m guessing?

    I LOVE fro-yo!

  46. I love your blog so much, I would have totally thought that it said “Fucked up” as well. Lol I had to resubmit this because I totally put the wrong link to my blog 🙁

  47. Oh. My. God. I am still laughing at the chest hair captions. My favorite “Scott Bakula has a hairy frontula”. It is way too late and I am way too tired to have read that.

    Seriously, I keep laughing.

    Thank YOU.

    P.s. I bet they made the font so small on the fucked us green apple poster on purpose. I would have.

  48. If Thug Kitchen made the flavour it totally would have been Fucked Up Green Apple. That’s almost as sad as seeing that cat on the curb and then realizing the cats is just a bag of garbage.

  49. I REALLY!!!! enjoyed the the “this is water” youtube. So much so that I looked for more information on the speaker to find out he KILLED himself due to depression!!!!!!!!!! WTF!!!! Why does that make me feel so bad and vulnerable. UGGHHH!!! this has so ruined my day. Then watch this video of people discussing his suicide and notice some people really care and one lady is sooo pissed about it what the hell? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CpCoY-mCGZs

  50. is it strange that i would have tried ‘fucked up green apple’ but would not have tried ‘pucker up green apple’? the pucker up makes me think it will be tart or sour. fucked up makes me think it might be pretty awesome.

  51. I LOVE LOVE LOVE the “This is Water” video. I’ve seen it before and I always feel like it’s such a powerful reminder for all of us <3

  52. Fucked up Green Apple was what I tried to convince Ben and Jerrys to make and now someone has stolen my idea. Just not cool.

  53. I love that yogurt shop, which I will not name as to avoid looking like a spammer! But I wouldn’t try that flavor. Ever.

    Wedding cake FTW, IMHO.

    And sometimes I wonder if businesses do that on purpose so you’ll read it the dirty/inappropriate way.

  54. Well, since you could not provide a Python fight, I will endeavor to assist:

  55. Green apple IS a pretty fucked up flavor for frozen yogurt (or anything other than green apples, really), so you can’t be blamed for automatically thinking the worst.

  56. I would have thought it said Fucked Up too.

    Anyway, BIG NEWS. Not sure if you heard but HBO is making a mini-series out of American Gods. I heard it on the BBC World Book Club podcast. You probably already know, but if you didn’t..HOLY SHIT right?

  57. Hey, that is Orange Leaf! And their fucked up flavors are DELICIOUS. We all need to put something fucked up in our mouths once in a while…

  58. There used to be a video rental store in Nashville called Pick A Flick, but the name on the sign was in all capital letters, like PICK A FLICK. Whatever font they used in combination with the all capital letters always made me think it said PICK A FUCK because of the way the L and I looked like a U.

    It’s NOT just you!

  59. I have never commented before but I just wanted to say thank you for making the personal affirmation t-shirt. I have been going through a really tough time for the past few months and have really been struggling with depression and anxiety so the second I saw that shirt I had to buy it- I figure if nothing else it might make me smile a bit on the tough days. So thank you. And thank you for being so open about your own experiences- it helps to know that I’m not alone in what I am feeling/thinking/going through.

  60. It would be much better if it really was fucked up. I tend to have the problem of reading the word photography as pornography. I was really confused by the Pet Pornography truck for a few minutes until I got closer.

  61. Dang, the sign is crooked. And… the sign is crooked. Looking past that… the sign is still crooked. Gah!

  62. I recently received your book as a birthday present (seriously the best gift!), and I am thoroughly enjoying it. I particularly loved the chapter “Married on the Fourth of July”, mainly because of the snake story. My husband also has an affinity for snakes, and at one point had over 100 of them in a shed. The first time we drove out to his parents house (out in the boon toolies), he stopped the car quite suddenly, leaned over me and grabbed a very large bowie knife out of the glove box, and then ran off into the desert. I was bit terrified to say the least. He came back a bit later with a headless rattle snake that was still trying in vain, to strike him. It was at this point I should have reconsidered our relationship, but it turns out I am the crazy one. We now have 3 kids and go out looking for snakes in the desert at night for fun. By the way, this is called herping. You’re welcome.
    I have enjoyed your blog, and always felt we were kindred spirits. Now that I have read your book, that feeling has been affirmed 10 times over in ways it would take me a whole novel to write. Lets just suffice it to say that I totally know what it means to clean a deer, and how it feels to want to hide under a desk for the duration of your educational years. Thank you. More than you know.

  63. Orange Leaf is the shit. I just moved and now there is one behind my house. It takes extreme self control to not eat there every day. I would at least sample “fucked up green apple” because Orange Leaf has never failed me before!

  64. Gotta think, I think that Fucked Up Green Apple would taste better than what was actually on offer.
    Hey, if you fuck up an apple properly it turns into cider, right?

  65. I was doing Python coding right before I was reading this. We could internet fight using Python to write the program. Or something. I’m clearly not very practiced at coding lingo.

  66. I am so glad this happens to other people too! I was at Trader Joe’s today, and saw what I thought said Peanut Butter made from unbalanced peanuts. My first thought is that must be why this peanut butter is soo expensive, paying for all that therapy for the unbalanced peanuts. My second thought is why is this a selling point? Do unbalanced peanuts taste better? Sad to say upon closer inspection it was unblanched peanuts which just isn’t as fun.

  67. Every time I pass a certain housing estate I see “Fairview Harem” What is actually says is “Fairview Haven” but the funny curvy letters do make it look like Harem. Now I wonder is my mind dirty or is it their fault?

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