I’m so muscular science is concerned.

Remember last week when I told you that the doctor found a lump in my neck and wrote me an order to have it x-rayed and tested?  Well, I went in today expecting to get my (small) needle biopsy but when the tech looked at my neck with the ultrasound she determined that I DO NOT HAVE CANCER.  Yay!  Except that there was one part where she moved the ultrasound wand over my throat and I totally saw a skull in there.  I assumed it was the skull of my twin that I ate in utero but she said it wasn’t, and then I was like, “OMG, DEATH EATERS, and she just looked at me strangely because apparently she’s never seen Harry Potter.  She said it was just a cluster of veins and then she switched to another screen that looked like something a meteorologist would stand in front of during a hurricane and I was like “There’s a storm a-comin’” and she laughed because she’d switched over to doppler and apparently that really is what you use to tell if storms are coming.  I assume meteorologists are just ultrasound techs with enormous wands.  Then she told me that my carotid artery was “textbook perfect” and I started to suspect she was hitting on me, so I took that opportunity to ask her what the lump in my neck was.  Turns out it’s just a really giant muscle.  Or an “overly-developed asymmetrical muscle”, which makes a terrible acronym for a medical diagnosis.  Still, she assured me it was fine and that I didn’t even have to have the needle-biopsy thing.  So I don’t have cancer.  At least not in that one part of my neck.  God knows what’s lurking in the rest of my body.

Then I called Victor to tell him that for once my medical exams didn’t end with me having another horrific disease and that this lump was caused from me being TOO muscular.  Victor tried to point out that that wasn’t exactly the diagnosis, but I’m pretty sure when the written paperwork comes in it’ll be all, “O-dam.  Bitch is too muscular.  Girl needs to eat some Cheetos and watch tv.”  Or at least, that’s what it’ll say when I get finished with it.  Then Victor threatened to hang up on me and I threatened to crush him with my she-hulk neck muscle, but he knew I was bluffing because I really don’t want this lump getting any bigger.  It’s weird enough already.

PS.  My sister was betting on “silent twin” but I’d already taken that on the betting pool so she switched her money to “some weird organ hoarding all Jenny’s b12” and I had to admit that any organs of mine would totally be hoarders.  No one had their money on “Jenny’s lump is a muscle” because apparently “Jenny swallowed a mouse in her sleep” is easier to believe.  My family is filled with jerks.  Jerks who know me really, really well.

188 replies. read them below or add one

  1. Um…congrats?

    Really, glad to hear it’s nothing horrible. 🙂

  2. Time makes ruins of us all . . . lumpy, lumpy ruins.

    Anubis Bard recently posted Brooklyn Sojourn.

  3. Would you have bought a mini-Beyonce for the potential twin?

    Meredith O recently posted Be Grateful for What You Have.

  4. Whew. I think that’s good news and calls for a wine slushy.

    Jenni recently posted It’s Been Nice Knowing Ya, Thor!.

  5. At least now you can threaten to punch people. WITH YOUR NECK.

  6. You could still be a secret death eater. See if you can cast Morsmordre.
    Yay for no cancer!

  7. I am jealous of your arteries…I have a pinched sub-clavian artery because of an extra rib that created an unnecessary joint that pushes on the artery. Very strang I know. I get medical students asking me all the time if they can bring their friends to see it/poke it.

    (I get that with my heart murmur if I’m at a teaching hospital. Dozens of med students with their hands on my chests as they listen for ages. Makes for a weird afternoon. ~ Jenny)

  8. Glad it’s nothing bad. I hear overly developed neck muscles are all the rage these days.

    Lovelyn recently posted Five Tips to Help You Through the Social Nightmare That is the Food Coop.

  9. It makes me feel a little better about missing out on the ultrasound lottery I have to win to get a hystereosonogram for my broken vagina. Sorry about the asymmetrical muscle. Also, sorry it wasn’t your silent twin.

    Vanessa D. recently posted Getting Lucky.

  10. One Dangerous-Ass Muscle. Not to be fucked with (NTBFW).

  11. Makes me sad thinking that growing old gracefully was always BS…..

    Yay no mouse…. even if you could have stuffed it.

  12. Now that you have an overdeveloped, i.e. extra brawny, muscle in your neck I’m sure your doctor will prescribe lots of lying down. It’s physical therapy!!

    Alicea recently posted Footnotes: A love story..

  13. Yay on not cancer!

    So.. your super power is being able to flip your hair, just right?

    Or is it… head banging like a pro?

    We need to figure ot what new skills that muscle can give you!

    Robyn is the best recently posted Starscream VS Rainbow Dash. DEATH BATTLE!.

  14. I would’ve put my money on “Gum Swallowed Per Oldwives Tales” —makes for a damn good acronym and an interresting weekend for Victor.

  15. My kid had that when he was a newborn. He’s like the opposite of you. Doctors always think there is something horribly wrong with him and he turns out fine. The only thing perminant is that he only has 6 toenails. His funky neck muscle went away eventually, hopefully yours does too.

    I’m happy about your lack of cancer, by the way.

  16. Awesome! Yay for good medical news for you for once. I sure do wish the giant tumor that was just found in my furry canine son’s mouth was just a muscle and not malignant melanoma which totally sucks. But your blog made me smile and laugh despite the grief, so…yay. And thanks.

  17. I’m certain this is the first indicator of developing super powers. This is origin story shit, y’all. Somebody alert Marvel and DC.
    Related: I’m glad you don’t have cancer, Jenny. <3

    John Lewis recently posted My Acting Résumé.

  18. Did they give you any idea how you managed to develop an asymmetric neck muscle? Or how to either make it go away or get the other side to match?

    Courtney recently posted Assumption is the mother of all fuck ups..

  19. All the organs I know have pipes & play music. Haven’t heard of “Hoarders” is it a new brand?

  20. Big muscle from all that talking…. Heeeee

  21. It may be time to lay off the steroids and stop skipping leg day at the gym.

    Erin recently posted 7 months old | Orlando Baby Photographer.

  22. I can’t be the only person wondering what you were doing to develop this giant neck muscle? Mmmmmhmmmm….

    Megly Mc recently posted One More Word And I Show You The Stretchmarks.

  23. “I assume meteorologists are just ultrasound techs with enormous wands.” Meteorologists everywhere just went, “That’s what she said.”

  24. Happy to hear no cancer news!!! Hoarders of B12 not so much, but also it’s good to hear your support system is there for you… Family that knows you too well can be awesome. 🙂

    Jess recently posted Guest Posting for Pulp Sushi: THEM! A Memory.

  25. Maybe they have b12 cheetos!

    Kathleen recently posted Starry Night.

  26. But if you had swallowed a mouse, that would make you some kind of human mutant boa constrictor. Badass.

  27. Yay for no cancer and not having any more wacky illnesses to deal with! Been there, done that, wore out the t-shirt washing it; I don’t how many times I’ve had doctors ask if they can bring in some of the med students to have a look at me. Could be worse, though; my mom had that happen at Dartmouth-Hitchcock Hospital once when she had a Bartholin gland cyst…nothing like a whole room full of med students all staring at your lady garden as you lie on the table “in the position”, I promise. And then there was the time w/the two med students and the portable ultrasound machine–it was almost worth the ensuing appendectomy to see them freak out when they came across my Mirena IUD…Not to mention the time I had the site-select breast biopsy after my Very First Mammogram–they have you lie on a table w/your tit hanging down through a hole in it (the table has the hole, that is, although the tit has one too very shortly…), while the doctor sits on a wheeled stool checking you out from below, kind of like the boob mechanic or something. Thankfully, it was just a calcification, but yeah…lots of fun and games.

    Anyway, all this blither is to say that I understand at least some of what you deal with, and I’m very happy that, for once, something worked out well. *hugs* And yes, we do have to think of a good superpower for your neck…hmmmm…

  28. Dang, they really need to get you to write the next DSM. Your abbreviations would make it ten times better.

  29. So glad you’re all good! I was actually quite concerned.

    Debbie recently posted PRESIDENT OBAMA ....

  30. heh. “enormous wands.”

  31. Are you going to get a spray tan now?

    Happy to hear the good news!

  32. You’re a badass muscly mutha!

    Girl to Mom- Heidi recently posted Lego M&M Race.

  33. omg! Why didn’t they at least look for your silent while they had you there? GOSH!!!

    Tina L. recently posted Able to feed myself.

  34. Read this post right after seeing this on Cat Shaming (http://mommyhasapottymouth.com/the-best-of-cat-shaming-part-9-22328/621120f93c9e4cfa9f6ef1dab43c0221/) and I totally have questions about the swallowing a mouse in your sleep thing. And I’m jealous of your neck muscle. That’s all.

  35. 35

    Does this mean you’ll be safe from vampires?

  36. Enormous wands…that’s what she said.

  37. Not related, but you did know that Buzz Feed used the pic of your cat that forced your daughter to pet him/her. Loved that.

  38. I once had a lump in my neck. Thought it was the usual unborn twin, then thought it was gills from being a fetus (great, I’m 19 and a fish!). Finally had it removed, and it was an infected salivary gland. When I tell my Drs this, they always look at me like I am making it up. I can still spit.

  39. My daughter, this past summer, decided we were long overdue for one of her medical oddities, so she got an ear infection and a raging case of torticollis the same week, took two bouts of antibiotics to clear the ear up, and then couldn’t get into physical therapy quick enough for it to do any good for the torticollis, so by the time we got in, her neck was just about back to normal.

    (Torticollis is this weird thing, usually happening to kids, where a muscle is spasmed so hard that the head tilts to one side and just stays there. It hurts to straighten up, and so they don’t until it resolves itself.)

    I say just about because the physical therapist noticed an itty bitty lump in her neck, in the same basic area as the muscle that had to have been spasming to tilt her head the way it had in the first place. So the PT goes through all these other things and notices there’s some weird issue with my daughter’s eye tracking too. Not a huge issue, but something barely noticeable–which of course, to a doc or other medical provider, gets to be a big deal. We dealt with the leftover of the neck issue with exercises and then lo and behold, the lump in my daughter’s neck was gone at about the same time she got full range of motion back in her neck. So that particular mystery was solved, but then we had to wait for an eye appointment the same way we’d had to wait for the PT.

    Finally got in to see the eye doc and almost the first thing out of his mouth was, “Why is she tilting her head like that?” Well, from my perspective she WASN’T tilting… that was just her normal. But he saw it. And then he looked at her eyes and lo and behold, she had a slight palsy in the cranial nerves on her right side. It was causing her to not focus like she was supposed to… UNLESS she tilted her head just so slightly to compensate. With the head tilt, she’s 20/20 and there’s no reason to correct anything right now.

    So we figure the ear infection was a perfect storm with the head tilt to cause the muscle spasm and make her miserable for a while. At least now we know to watch for the eye thing. Hell of a way to find out.

  40. Bet you would TOTALLY crush the Talent portion of the Miss America pageant lifting something heavy, like a coal car, with your bad-ass neck muscle.

    Siress Yorkie recently posted Of Dishwashwers and Discoveries.


  42. Dude.. that’s wild. Will it go down? Do you want it to go down? I’m sure it makes for great conversation in person. 😉

    Glad you are gonna be alright!

    Candy @ Candypolooza recently posted Moms Night In with NickMom Oh it’s gonna be #MotherFunny #cbias #shop.

  43. I’m always loudly declaring that I want to be more muscular. Maybe I should be more specific as to area.

    Mary recently posted Capitoul Rouge.

  44. You need to join a neck wrestling league. Start thinking up your stage name

  45. I really wish I could “like” or thumbs up comments on this site. Y’all make me L.O.L.

    Yay for no cancer!!!!

  46. Oh and Wendy’s comment reminded me. Two Januarys ago I had a rock in my head that had to be removed. It was in one of the saliva glands under my tongue. I figured something was wrong when I kept getting saliva backup into the gland at random times, more likely when I’d been producing more saliva but not predictable. So I started wondering whether it was possible to have a stone in there, and googled around a bit. Lo and behold. Well, I hoped that was what it was and that I would pass it, but I kept having the problem and then it became more frequent. So I went in. Doc couldn’t feel it but was nice and referred me (and I have good insurance so I could go over her head anyway, and I think she knew that), and then the ENT couldn’t feel it but was nice and sent me over for a scan, and the scan picked up a stone about the diameter of my J size crochet hook. They were going to try to take it out with a scope but it was a bit too big. I won’t go into any more detail than that except that now the left side of my tongue has a numb spot, well over a year later (going on two), from them manhandling the nerve. But at least the stupid thing is gone, and I can joke about having had a rock in my head.

  47. If you Hulk out and turn green, Victor is going to feel bad about threatening to hang up on you.

    For the record, I’d have gone with swallowed a mouse myself. Why? I read your blog. 😀

    Seriously though, congrats on it not being cancer. Big muscle is odd, but way better than cancer of some sort. 🙂

  48. Of course, makes sense, balancing cats on your head would totally build up the neck muscles.

  49. Maybe your sister did win in a weird way. Your muscle is stealing all of your B12 to get super strong in places it doesn’t need to be. You need to tell it to give it back, but only if you have another muscle big enough to take it on. (((HUGS))) on the no cancer!

  50. I have a gland under my chin that swells up when I get an infection. All the docs in my Pediatrics clinic thought it was great, and were forever bringing in folks to see it when I would come in to get some amoxicillin. It is a rather convenient method of detecting infection, but it also tends to look a bit like a goiter, which is never attractive.

    Combined with that because I have very loose joints, my jaw tends to dislocate when I yawn, and a big lump will also appear under my chin. When both lumps meet each other, fantastic pain occurs and I have to push everything back into place while trying not to cry. The first time this happened at the Doctor’s office, the doctor asked me if I could DO IT AGAIN so he could take photos because he had never seen that happen. I told him to find another freak. He wasn’t very appreciative.

    And lastly, my daughter is actually in medical journals because she chose to do a cartwheel with a plastic pole in her mouth because she didn’t have room in her pockets. She gave herself a partial tonsillectomy and almost hit her carotid artery. On her father’s birthday. Which was an exciting one, what with the blood and all. They also wouldn’t give us a discount on the surgery, which seemed like a crock, considering she did half of it herself.

    Glad you are well! 🙂

  51. Now I’m always going to picture my local weatherman waving around his “enormous wand”. *teehee* #Iam12yearsold

    Shannon akaMonty recently posted SHUT IT..

  52. I’m glad you don’t have neck cancer.

  53. You oughta tattoo that bad boy…maybe a giant eyeball or the outline of a face a la Aliens!

  54. Oh boy! Like we need an excuse to eat Cheetos! In a pinch, Cheese Nips will do.

  55. did you know that you are on Buzzfeed today?


  56. Yeah for no cancer! I once had a pilonidal(sp?) cyst that I called my monkey tail. My friend laughed and made jokes… Then she got one. Then we were tail twins! ( Yes of course the drs insisted we remove them. Lack of imagination). So maybe sis will get a extra strong neck muscle and you can become superheroes!

    Christine LeClair recently posted It’s Kentuck Time Again!.

  57. If it’s the muscle I’m thinking it is and this blog thing doesn’t work out for you, you could always go into the business of cracking walnuts between your chin and your shoulder.

  58. Of course you wouldn’t swallow a mouse. You’d have it taxidermied. Or whatever the verb for getting that done is.

  59. 59

    I love your blog simply because it reassures me that I’m not the only one with a weird body. Extra teeth, Eva tendons, a uvula that is out of control etc… my friends aren’t sure if I’m starting the evolutionary prices or a bad mutation. I can’t wait to see if my 7 year old has my shark teeth though! What is the point of being a main if you can’t pass it on? Right, Darwin?

  60. I swear there is something wrong with me. Yesterday my husband left a brown jacket on the end of the bed and when I came out of the bathroom I thought there was a bear curled up on the end of our bed. I think I have a brain tumor that is pushing down on my optic nerve and causing me to see things that aren’t there. Hubs thinks I am crazy… but he’s gonna be sorry when I have my head xray-ed and they find a giant tumor… but with my luck… they will just find a giant muscle. I hope they can remove it and relocate it to my abs.

    Penni recently posted Hi Handiquilter… nice to meet you..

  61. 61

    Seriously hate my autocorrect. Ugh. Sorry for gibberish

  62. I totally had the same thing, except in my wrist. The doc was convinced it was a cyst until he actually cut me open and could only find an extra strip of muscle. So he cut it out. I feel like I lost my super powers that day. The lack of extra muscle now inhibits me from making a full fist, but also causes my middle finger to stick out instead. I call it a fair trade.

  63. When I saw the ultrasound of my daughter, I swore she had a tail. I thought the tech avoided bringing my attention to it because she hadn’t been trained for that eventuality.

    Wendy recently posted Candlelight Vigil.

  64. It must be from guzzling all those wine slushes. That’s hard work, a neck has to compensate.

    Aussa Lorens recently posted 5 Terrible Things To Do To Strangers.

  65. It’s so good to get good news. It shows in your writing that a huge weight has been lifted from your shoulders. Enjoy the happy.

  66. Damn, I had my money on aliens.

  67. Trick or treat!

  68. I think you should have like a weight lifting exposition or something…

    itzybellababy recently posted Green Mountains to climb?.

  69. Glad to hear that worked out well. Still, silent twin would have given you so much more to write about. 😉

    LA Smith recently posted Hello world!.

  70. YAY to no cancer, no swallowed mice (because then you’d be all pied-piperish and I’d worry about the cats and Hailey if you’re sleep-swallowing things, although I suppose that could have potential to Victor), and no ishy half-digested twins in your neck. What’s the equivalent of “vagina dentate” in the throat, anyway? Esophageal dentate?? Carotid dentate? It’s just too weird, and then you could have a really fucked up horror movie going on.

    If you start pulling cars with your neck like those awfulsome strongman competitions, please remember to have Victor post it on youtube.

    Jess recently posted Groupon May Be Trying To Kill Me.

  71. When you hear Latin for: “O-dam. Bitch is too muscular. Girl needs to eat some Cheetos and watch tv,” it’ll sound like “Go to the Sturgis Rally to feel young and fit.” Good news.

  72. I’m going for an ultrasound tomorrow morning, on that 80 year old leg that I somehow ended up with… Apparently, when ruling out blood clots, they usually rush you right into it, that same day… but, NO… of course not in my case… they’re just like “go home and sleep on it” It is taking every God forsaken thing in my body NOT to Google symptoms of dislodged blood clots… *sigh*

    Kim recently posted Man, I feel like a… Woman? (Halloween Makeup).

  73. Dude! People make MONEY lifting stuff with their tongues and earlobes and…nipples (I know, because I saw it on Oddities)….you should start lifting heavy stuff with your NECK!
    THAT’S never been on Oddities!

    PS: YAY for no cancer! Or other death-inducing maladies!

    Valerie P recently posted Losing Faith.

  74. Has no one suggested that an overly developed muscle is just another way of saying SILENT TWIN? I mean, really, isn’t a baby just a big blog of muscle? Or maybe that’s all that’s left of the twin cause your body ate the rest. Like my cat who would eat all the bird and leave us with a pile of artistically arranged feathers. And sometimes a beak. Someone needs to check that muscle for any sign of under developed organs. Or beaks. You’re welcome.

    Kathy in KS recently posted Our Garden, July 2013.

  75. 75

    SO glad that neck thing is nothing! But, I keep thinking there must be some way of exploiting your muscularity. Maybe an Infomercial?

    “You, too can learn the secret Lawson Method for Neckular Development! Never again be embarrassed by your flabby, symmetrical neck muscle. Follow our simple program of specialized exercises and daily incantations and in only 7 days, you’ll be well on your way to Asymmetry that will be the envy of all your friends! Those cats will be PROUD to sit on your shoulders!”

    I’m thinking the incantations can be in Squid Latin?

  76. Huzzah for not having cancer.

    on a completely unrelated note, I am trying to purchase “Let’s Pretend This Never Happened” in audiobook but stores won’t let me because I live in Australia. What have they got to against Australian’s? We like to listen to funny stuff on our road trips too, ya know! HELP

  77. Huzzah for not having cancer.

    on a completely unrelated note, I am trying to purchase “Let’s Pretend This Never Happened” in audiobook but stores won’t let me because I live in Australia. What have they got to against Australian’s? We like to listen to funny stuff on our road trips too, ya know! HELP

  78. I love your Dr. visit stories. You are one very funny muscular gal……
    Glad you are ok..

  79. I shudder to think what kind of activity would give you a really muscular neck, but I picture Victor with a big smile.

    Kit recently posted Bruce the Shark by Kits.

  80. You effing B12 dead mouse silent twin eater. There’s one in every family.

    Julie the Wife recently posted Peter Peter Pumpkin Hater.

  81. Congrats on being cancer free! Now, what is your neck muscle going to be for halloween? Its adoring fans want to know.

    Judy recently posted When You Least Expect It.

  82. I would go for a second opinion. What if the giant muscle is really a second head?

    Wait that would actually be really cool cause then if you were alone you could talk to your other head, and it could validate that your makeup does look good and remind you of the things you said when you were drunk so that you can do damage control and also you could have two phone conversations at once. The only thing it couldn’t do is tell you if your butt looks fat in that dress.

    Anya recently posted I'm back, girls and boys!.

  83. so this is like a muscle that comes and goes? What do you do aerobics on your pillow while sleeping or something??

    I gotta say, Jenny, That’s kind of weird. Even for you.

    and that’s why we love you!

    (ps. I have brain herpes if it makes you feel less weird)

    cass recently posted The Horror of Beauty.

  84. Along the lines of “Bitch too muscular,” Once in the same day my doctor told me to eat more carbs and my psychiatrist told me to drink more. Best. Dual. Diagnosis. Ever.

  85. Got to go with Anya on this.
    Very “How to get a head in advertising”.

    Victoria recently posted How To Go To The Bathroom In The Office.

  86. Huzzah! No cancer! *does happy dance*

    “overly-developed asymmetrical muscle” Wow! You’ve got a hulk-muscle. Double Wow! I’m pretty sure that gives you fantabulous superpowers.

    My doctor once told me I had an extra bone in my foot, but when I asked, she refused to show me or tell me where. She just sat there giggling on my behalf, hiding the x-rays from my view.
    I’d like to think it gives me superpowers, but hubby says it only gives me extra hard skin under my feet…

    Cara (Eli) recently posted Marianne and knitting update.

  87. O-dam. You need to make a shirt or magnet for that. Maybe not a mug, because people might develop their own O-dam from lifting the mug.

  88. You absolutely make my day and I’m old enough to your way older sister…..congrats on the great muscle tone!

  89. You have some neck to announce this! Glad all is well.

  90. THat is really good news! As far as lumps go, you can’t do better than muscle.

    My foot doctor told me last fall that I have extra bones in two of my toes so I made the same assumption…that I ate my twin. I asked him about it and and he said that I would be surprised how many people ask that question.. He was right..I AM surprised that a lot of people ask a podiatrist about twin ingestion.

    He also says I didn’t eat my twin.

    Ragemichelle recently posted Swamp Monsters And Cemetery Playgrounds.

  91. My dog has a lot of weird muscle lumps. She’s strong on her right front leg and her ear.

    This is not a pipe. recently posted McCrory's Gold Toilet.

  92. Am now envisioning the muscle in your neck talking like a German body builder “I’m going to puuuuump you uuup.”

    Kara recently posted OWH Sketch Challenge #196 Take 2.

  93. I thought you were gonna end up a “no neck monster”

  94. That’s good news! I’m picturing that last page in comic books that has the skinny guy on the beach and the buff, muscled guy-don’t be a 90-pound-weakling? And you can send away for this stuff that turns you into a buff muscly guy? Now insert your neck! Or….your neck could be a super hero, able to consume rogue rhinos in a single swallow and save entire African villages. Of course, your mouth would have to be super flexible, too, for that. I don’t suppose your jaw unhinges? Okay, so rogue rhino swallowing may be out. For now.

    chickensconsigliere recently posted Halloween Decorating.

  95. I can’t believe none of your followers have quoted you any Black Eyed Peas yet. If there was ever a time to crow about one’s ‘lady lumps’, this is certainly that time. Sally forth and earmworm with intent!

    Otternator recently posted Two Slotters Are Better Than One.

  96. I’m glad to hear you’re okay. I’m sure you entertained the technician no end. I have a bunion on my foot we’re about to give a naming ceremony for so maybe we could have a double celebration with your neck muscle?

    Pinky Poinker recently posted Pinky's Conspiracy Theories.

  97. WOOHOO Let’s celebrate! With tequila!

    Mayor Gia recently posted Birthday Weekend!.

  98. How could you pass up all the potential of the phrase: ” …ultrasound techs with enormous wands.” ?

    Caley recently posted Fundraiser (Party).

  99. Well, there are worse things in life than being a freak of medical science…. like being a telemarketer.

    So every time you look at little Angus in the mirror (I’ve named your freak neck muscle, I hope you don’t mind), just think to yourself, “Well, at least I don’t have to call people up and ask them if they’d like to save 15% or more on their car insurance.”

    Congrats on being cancer free (at least in your neck)!!!

    MakeWayForLindaJ recently posted Happy Hawaiian Cowboy Pajama Day!!.

  100. Glad to hear your Schwarzenegger-esque neck is not a health threat. I say go for the Cheetos and TV. Thanks for the laugh this morning.

    Keitha recently posted I Survived Skydiving!.

  101. I’m SO JEALOUS!! I have my physical soon. I hope my diagnosis is “too muscular.” That rocks!!

    Lisa R. Petty recently posted NANOWRIMO–A Contest for Non-Competitive Hermits.

  102. So happy you are okay!! You are so amazing to take all these wild , scary experiences and turn them into such uplifting, humorous stories for your tribe. Love you Jenny, you are one bad ass hulk!

  103. Mazel tov on your muscle baby!

  104. I am *seriously* glad you did not swallow a mouse. Also that you don’t have cancer.

    I’m also very curious what in the HELL you’ve been doing to build up a neck muscle. Tilting your head questioningly at Victor’s silliness? Practicing squid latin under your desk? Looking over your shoulder to make sure no one sees you snag the amazing stuffed insert-random-dead-animal-here?

    Renee recently posted The Speakeasy #133 - Trick or....treat?.

  105. I, too, am too beefy. When I tore a tendon and some ligaments in my ankle a couple years ago, it just refused to heal so they did some surgery, and it turned out I had extra muscle in my ankle. Instead of stopping at the bottom of my calf like in normal people, it extended all the way down and wrapped around my ankle bone, crowding out the tendons and explaining lifelong mystery pain in that ankle.

    My husband thinks I have extra muscle in my back too, but I’m not willing to tear tendons there just to find out.

    melydia recently posted The Secret Diary of Adrian Mole, Aged 13 3/4 by Sue Townsend.

  106. I’d have asked if they could remove the giant muscle, replicate it and add back to my body in all the required places to make it look like I do more exercise than just get in and out of a chair…..

    Ribena Tina @ ribenamusings recently posted What I learned this week.

  107. I’m glad you don’t have cancer. And I like o-dam. I think we could make that stand for overly developed asymmetrical muscle. Or oddly dynamic apple munching. Or. overly done angle making. Any of those. It’s a versatile acronym.

    Alie Kriofske recently posted Yep. Buying condoms is still embarrassing..

  108. That’s a huge muscle of courage that you show and share in your posts. Or maybe the spare heart because of the love you show.But it’s definitely proof your superfuckingfantabulas

    Tami recently posted SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT.

  109. tee hee . . . .enormous wands

  110. Now you can administer throat punches…with your throat.

    Linda Roy - elleroy was here recently posted Out To Lunch and Still Waiting For the Check.

  111. I have a huge asymmetrical lump on the back of my neck, it’s from where my CPAP neck strap lies when I sleep. Sucks. Haven’t found any other mask that works.

    Victoria recently posted Peppermint Goat’s Milk Soap ~ Available 11/17/2013!.

  112. I think in your ancestry you must be Jewish and I mean that in a very GOOD way.

    Laurie F. recently posted Plinky Prompt: Seasons Changing.

  113. ODAM woman. ODAM. best medical acronym ever. but tiny twin death eater Jenny probably would have been a fun story to break the ice at parties. right? that’s the kind of thing you’d talk about as an ice breaker, i’m pretty sure.

    steph gas recently posted satur-interesting-day.

  114. When weight-lifters strike a pose and make one muscle stand out, it’s called a mouse.
    So yeah, in a way you’ve got a mouse in your neck so someone won the pool.

  115. All those months (years?) of Hunter S. Thomcat cat trying to strangle you has caused your neck muscles to grow to gigantic proportions. It may have saved your life!

  116. The world muscle actually comes directly from Latin musculus “a muscle,” which literally means “little mouse.” Romans believed the shape and movement of some muscles (notably biceps) were thought to resemble mice. The analogy was made in Greek, too, where mys is both “mouse” and “muscle.” The ancients were weird. But, digression aside, if someone had money on a mouse, technically they win.

  117. I can see this on a t-shirt now:

    Meteorologists: ultrasound techs with enormous wands.

    It’s going to be very popular with the very limited meteorologist clothing market.

    Christopher recently posted Lather, rinse...then what?.

  118. or MAYBE your “silent twin” is actually THE HULK and so it just LOOKS like it’s all muscle.

  119. so which side of your neck? and does it any way correspond to the side that you turn when you tilt your head at Victor during ‘disucssions’. Because clearly, your overdeveloped neck muscle is a result of too much arguing with Victor over stuff dead things. Which means Victor must stop arguing with you AT ONCE and let your poor neck muscle get some rest!

    Snod V recently posted Send me a song!.

  120. well now you will just have to hold your head up with the other side of your neck muscles to get a match 🙂
    glad it was nothing serious.

  121. My cat left me a dead mouse in the garage. Do you want it?

    Congrats on being muscle-bound!

    CrazyMomTats! recently posted Final update on Palmetto Tat Days 2013.

  122. You can totally use your secret neck muscle to punch people when they least expect it! Like at PTA meetings! “what’s that condescending mom I give less than two s*^&s about? Your daughter is awesome and our children should feel blessed to be in class with her cause they are holding her back?” *Wha-BAM!* secret muscle punch to the throat. “What to run that statement by me one more time?”
    This is obviously why I do not have children, or secret neck muscles…. 🙁 I’m so incomplete. <3

    Alley recently posted Santa and his tiny Daschunds stocking by gigitucker.

  123. Um….can we dress your neck up for Halloween? I know you already have all your awesome-nerdy-winning costumes ready to go, but considering this recent development, you might want to paint your neck green and give it some wiggly eyes. Your neck could be the hulk! If people piss you off, just remove anything that may be covering the lump and threaten them with your neck’s RAGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    LeahWould recently posted Dorito Dilemma.

  124. Another reason why maximum-machines, maximum-medical-testing just leaves people exhausted for no reason.

  125. Of all the ailments one could have, O.Dam is my new favorite. So favorite, in fact, that I am now envious of you and your O.Dam diagnosis.

    Lynette recently posted I’ll Never Understand Men.

  126. 126
    Elizabeth M.

    Ha. I’ve had that. It went away after a few years, but I was CONVINCED that I had some freaky glandular disorder. Every time, my doctor was all, “it’s not a tumor,” and I’d snicker and then make her poke at it to make sure. LOL

  127. I’m very glad you don’t have cancer because cancer sucks a lot.

    now you’ve got me wondering if all those years of talking on the telephone with it tucked between your ear and shoulder could cause this mysterious overdeveloped muscle. i’ll just be over here groping my neck muscles.


  128. *giggle* you said “enormous wands”


    I’m so glad you don’t have cancer! But I am kind of sad that there isn’t a twin in there. Is that wrong? I may be a giant jerk. We can’t know.


    Teresa recently posted Things I Heart, Such as Wearing Nicholas Cage on my Whole Body.

  129. Yay! Glad you don’t have cancer in your neck. Maybe body building is your true profession?!?!

    Cara Lyn Erickson recently posted 6 Steps on How to Negotiate.

  130. * I had a silent {and evil} twin wrapped around my ovary. The tumor was the size of an orange and it contained hair, teeth and parts of a spinal chord- like on that one part of ‘My Big Fat Greek Wedding’. I shit you not- it’s called a Teratoma. They removed it- along with the majority of my reproductive organs that it ruined. Know it was in there made me feel gross and science-y… and a little awesome. The body is so strange. I’m glad that your neck is healthy and strong 🙂

  131. Immediately thought of….

  132. This is off-topic, but check this pin, it’s full of awesome. An abandonned house transformed into a life-sized doll house. http://www.pinterest.com/pin/15199717465991045/


  133. This is fantastic news. My huge anxiety issue is health anxiety, so to get a “no cancer” diagnosis is cause for celebration! Eat those Cheetos! Watch some television! You deserve it. You’re not dying!

    Jenny Williams recently posted The Face of Mental Illness – 10/27/2013.

  134. I totally had my money on neck twin. Oh well! A muscle is way cooler because who ever heard of that??

    Karen Peterson recently posted An Open Letter to the State of Texas.

  135. Is O-DAM the reason you “broke your neck brushing your hair”, or the result of that injury?

  136. Cool new super power! Now, if someone is annoying…you could just totally use your abnormally strong neck muscle to PIN THEM TO THE WALL until they shut up. You could be like, “I CAN DO THIS ALL DAY”, and they’d have to quit being annoying. I love it.

    Going to work out my neck now…
    (But seriously, glad it wasn’t anything major!)

    stef recently posted Adult Child of....

  137. At least the jerks in your life are family. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer, right?

  138. There you go being too awesome again. Glad to hear it is nothing to worry about.

  139. I have a lump in my neck too. Was yours big or little? Mine’s marble-sized. Not sure if I should worry about it or not. Health-care’s gonna be hellsa expensive next year…

    Kristen Mae at Abandoning Pretense recently posted A PSA for Parents of Trick-or-Treaters.

  140. Best acronym ever! Reminds me of when a resort doctor was removing the staples from my son’s scalp, and he’s yanking away with what appeared to be rusty pliers, when he suddenly blurts out “Shit!” These are not words, or acronyms, that should be heard in a medical facility.

  141. I love your style. I don’t know why I kept trying
    To read self help books that were laying I a dusty
    Stack next to your fabulous book. Thank
    You for helping me love my childhood .
    Love your blog.
    I need a writing mentor. Any tips on breaking into the
    World of writing?

  142. LOL!! I love reading your blog. It makes me laugh, every time. I’m so glad that you didn’t have to have the biopsy and that the lump turned out to be something semi normal after all. 🙂

    Cindy recently posted Complaining Again...Sorry.

  143. I know you probably get asked for help or “read my blog” 56789000765322 times a day
    But . In the words or a Motown singer
    I ain’t to proud to beg. Scrappiemomma .org.
    The funny ones r the one bout dancinh . I’m really bad
    ABout staying on schedule and adhering to my pop
    Up reminders to blog daily. Bc i suck at x management
    I can’t multi task and I my ideas come to me as
    I’m falling asleep or in major traffic jams & I get busted for texting
    Ok I’ll stop stalking your blog. I have had 456 cups of fre
    Coffee In the 32 dollar refill mug at anniversary place
    We r staying at I’m AMPPEED

    Laurie Free recently posted these 3 things I say, all happened today..

  144. I’ve got the same thing! I had a doctor tell me it might be cancer, and then follow that up with, “but let’s talk about what you can eat. Can you eat apricots?” (Because I have a restricted diet due to food sensitivities.)

    Later, the thing was scanned, after I received an injection of iodine in my veins. I was told I have a weird anatomy. How’s that for a diagnosis?

    Diane Holcomb recently posted The Sport of Fools.

  145. So next year for Halloween… She-Hulk?

    Dana the Biped recently posted Man of My Dreams.

  146. Wonderful news — one less thing to worry about.

  147. Too bad no wine slushies because no alcohol with low B12! So sober toast to big girl muscles

  148. If there was someway to have contacted that tech in advance I would have so paid that Tech to tell you it was the head of your twin…and then go…no wait…there were triplets and then rush out of the room saying she was getting some co-workers to have a look.

  149. When I talk to my doctor about freaky shit that keeps showing up on my body she is all, “Yeah, you are getting old and it just happens.” I love it when they just say it like it is.

    Glad you are okay.

  150. I’m sure someone has already pointed this out to you, but madam, you’ve made buzzfeed: http://www.buzzfeed.com/expresident/signs-your-cat-actually-owns-you

  151. Yeah…I had a feeling. I could tell from your Halloween costume photo that you’d been working out. You’re just the type to get carried away on one-sided neck exercises.

    MILF Runner recently posted I'm not feeling very blogalicious right now.

  152. @Diane — I briefly worked as an admin in a hospital…. from whence cometh the catchphrase “Brian! A doctor should never say oops!” (Ah Jane, wonder where you are now, it was fun working with you.)

  153. Hey Jenny,

    That’s excellent news about your freakishly strong neck muscles. I had neck surgery last year to remove a crazed parathyroid gland, like thyroid but smaller and wilier. They did some kind of weird test on me that involved injecting radiation into my blood stream which they didn’t really explain until afterwards and then they were like, “Don’t touch any babies!” and I’m like, “How am I supposed to pee?”

    Hate all things medical.

    Beck recently posted Pimsleur on Hiring a Hooker in Marseilles.

  154. “O-dam. Bitch is too muscular. Girl needs to eat some Cheetos and watch tv.”

    Coffee drinking: Failed

    Sandra Fowler recently posted Obamacare Will Eat Your Children Or Something Else Really Evil And Bad.

  155. I’m amazed he didn’t make comments regarding why exactly your neck might have such a muscle. Unless you don’t have that kind of relationship. But I think you do.

    Jen recently posted Why are you making duck face, Julie?.

  156. You have the super neck muscle BECAUSE WINE. Every time you tilt your head back for a drink it’s freaking EXERCISE! You should do a video and sell it on QVC. (And do the closed captioning in squid-Latin.)

    Shelley J recently posted Extreme Service: College Hills Halloween Carnival Edition...aka...Scaring the crap out of little kids in the name of "service".

  157. I’m sorry you’re not a chimera. It would have been a great Halloween costume.

    Jill recently posted Enemy of the State.

  158. Jenny “the hulk” Lawson, her muscly veins will DESTROY YOU!

    Leah S recently posted Pregnancy: The ULTIMATE Sport.

  159. Glad to hear you’re okay, at least in this instance. If I weren’t already married, I’d start prowling for a meteorologist with an “enormous wand.”

    Frankie Laursen recently posted Honoring My Dad A Year After His Suicide.

  160. Alcohol kills germs + overly-developed asymmetrical muscle = booze slushy, Cheetos, and a Doctor Who marathon. I’m sure your doctor will totally write you a prescription for watching Doctor Who. Because Doctor Who makes everything better – all doctors agree on this.

    And in more awesome news, I just found a *TARDIS BOOKCASE* on Pinterest!!! It just keeps getting better. http://www.pinterest.com/pin/71142869087137108/

    Lynn recently posted NaNo Survival, Part 2.

  161. Methinks perhaps an overdeveloped neck muscle from spending too long on your ‘puter, writing your blog, and reviewing the responses to your daily ramblings?
    Anyway, excellent that you have one less thing to worry about, and that you don’t have cancer.
    Of course now you’ll look for something else to worry about instead; it’s to be expected.

  162. Your news makes me happy.
    Your deliver of your news makes me chortle, chuckle, snort, and laugh.

  163. Wibbly woobly veiny weiny muscles! Glad to hear it’s nothing serious! You should probably eat some cheetos and watch movies for a while just to be sure

    Angela recently posted Just keep runnin running.

  164. 164
    Elizabeth Birckhead

    It probably has teeth

  165. So let me understand…. if you are at a teaching hospital you have a room full of strange people feeling your boobs all day?

  166. I think the mouse idea is interesting or the neighbor’s yorkiepoo could have been swallowed and absorbed with little effort.

    My twice baked potato recently posted The Unexpected Walk.

  167. Oh, awesome about the no cancer thing. That is fucking awesome, and let me tell you the other thing that is awesome: That I found I place where I can let my pottyvmouth just hang out, just like you! Thanks for letting me write “fucking” in here! Yeah!
    The whole cancer threat thingy is so annoying. I went in for my first (and last, ever) mammogram last year, and they discovered a weird growth, so they kept man handling my poor tiny boobs. I was convinced I had breast cancer. They still don’t know what it is, but I don’t care what they think, because I know I’m okay. I had mastitis when I nursed my kids, and my theory is that it’s just a weird knot caused by mastitis that comes and goes with my hormonal cycle, so there.
    Why did I just tell you all that? From one anxiety-laden gal to the other, it’s just to validate how much it sucks to sit in a doctor’s room convinced you are gonna croak.
    I’m glad all is well!

  168. No cancer and no Death Eaters! Congrats to that!

    Ginny recently posted @SaraSwearsALot and I discuss dinosaur erotica.

  169. Chocolate is the only thing that’ll help that thing.

    Steve Z recently posted Little Friends.

  170. Glad that you got some good news. Now that you don’t need to do any weightlifting, you can totally pig out on the Cheez-its.

    Suzanne Lucas recently posted Please Don't Trip on the Calculator.

  171. “I assume meteorologists are just ultrasound techs with enormous wands”

    I really hope you initially typed “enormous wangs” because hilarious.

    Grats on the lack of cancer!

  172. So happy for you! And thank you for the Big Fat Greek Wedding reference.

  173. Yay! No cancer!
    As for the Muscle of Unusual Size (MOUS), I say scarves. Lots of scarves. Hopefully you can score some fabulous ones at estate sales, etc.
    As we age, Mother Nature becomes downright cruel, and gravity is a bastard.

  174. better stop crushin’ those beer cans between your breasts! glad you don’t have the “C” word. 😉

    sassypiehole recently posted 20 minute pregnancy... Dreams really DO come true!.

  175. Read your post – loved the ODAM – then as part of my daily ritual, I went to “One Hundred Dollars A Month” blog. Noticed the acronym for that blog is “OHDAM”. OH DAMN! Coincidence?

  176. Man some people have ALL the fun! Me I still get… “we have no idea what’s wrong, but it’s something.” Great thanks, assholes!

    GalInTheGreyHat recently posted Cead míle fáilte {Hundred Thousand Welcomes} Part 2.

  177. Glad that the lump isn’t cancer. But I agree with the people who asked – why is the muscle big? Or is it a new, totally-unique-to-Jenny muscle? And how do you balance it out?

    Sue recently posted Agreement unfulfilled - tear strips, zip strips, etc..

  178. As an ultrasound tech, I love being able to give patients good news. Well, I’m not technically supposed to say anything, but I greatly infer they will live yet another day! Glad it was just a mutant muscle and not an absorbed twin! Our bodies are weird strange entities, that for sure. FYI – Doppler is used to visualize blood flow. But totally same principle as weather Doppler!

  179. ” Or an ‘overly-developed asymmetrical muscle’, which makes a terrible acronym for a medical diagnosis.”
    I don’t know. I think O-DAM is a FANTASTIC acronym for a medical condition.
    “what does she have?”
    “O-DAM? Oh, damn!”

    Nagzilla recently posted Dollar Daze – The Price of Beauty.

  180. Great news! Have a cocktail on me.

    Yes, I made this video a week ago but this seems like a good time to present it to you. Be well, have fun and thanks for all the laughs.


    Drunken Master Paul recently posted Blogtails! Tribute to DMPs favorite bloggers.

  181. 181

    I re-read this post a couple of times because I can’t stop laughing (with you, not at you). I’m so glad you don’t have cancer because I was worried there wouldn’t be a sequel to “Let’s Pretend this Didn’t Happen” – among other reasons!

    Also, I think your commenters are the best commenters on the web – they’re witty, articulate, caring and some of the comments are as funny as your posts.

  182. This blog is so funny. It makes me laugh and it is most definitely the highlight of my day.

  183. Does this make you the Hulk?? No?

    Either way, I’m pretty sure there are powers possessed in that muscle. There’s no way that it’s *just* muscle. I mean, come on. This is YOU we’re talking about.

    Emelie recently posted Connecticut is awesome and ticks are Satan’s curse on the world..

  184. “assymetrical muscle” will now be what I sing to Daft Punk’s “up all night to get lucky”. It will improve things 🙂

  185. Did they happen to say if it is contagious? Should we suit up before reads?

  186. Thank you very much . best medical acronym ever.

    ihsan recently posted Kayra kombin.

  187. Just doing some catching up here, and so happy to learn that you merely have an asymmetrical neck muscle. I don’t think you’re out of the woods, though, Jenny, because…what about the fact that the other side of your neck isn’t as developed?! What happens if it gives into the big muscle and then you’re head lists at a 90 degree angle? I’m pretty sure that can happen. I’m Googling it now. If I learn anything, I’ll let you know. Until then, hang in there. And when I say “hang in there,” I don’t mean let your neck buckle. Stay strong, girl. Stay strong.

    LisaAR recently posted True Team Spirit.

  188. As for the Muscle of Unusual Size (MOUS), I say scarves. Lots of scarves. Hopefully you can score some fabulous ones at estate …. http://www.enyenitesettur.com

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