Two years ago

in If I was a dog I'd be dead by now, more than meets the eye

Two years ago they hadn’t found a way to treat my rheumatoid arthritis.  Two years ago I was a usual visitor to the emergency room when my pain would get so bad that only narcotic injections would stop it.  Two years ago my vacations always ended in wheelchairs, I took drugs that made my face unrecognizable and made clumps of my hair fall out.  Two years ago I was obese, because my meds made me swell up and because just walking across the room made me want to scream.  Two years ago I thought that I was a burden on my family because I spent more time in bed than I did out of bed.

A year and a half ago my doctor got approval to start monthly injections.  They worked.  They don’t work for everyone.  I pray that they continue to work.  I was able to walk.  I was able to move.  I was able to live.  I lost 46 pounds.  I got rid of the steroids.  My hair started to grow back.  The pain that used to be a 9 is now a 2.

Yesterday my doctor looked at my x-rays and said that some of the deformation we thought would be permanent had healed.  And she said a lovely word.

“Remission.”

It’s a lovely word for two reasons.  One, because I remember the pain…and in the place where that pain was is a space left for gratitude.  And two, because it gives me hope.

10 years ago my mental illness got so bad that I finally got help.  At first it was worse, then it was better, then worse again.  Now I fluctuate, waiting out the darkness, reminding myself that depression lies and that it’s a medical condition that I never asked for, quietly battling with tiny demons in my head…until it suddenly passes and the drugs kick in or the seratonin settles or the demons get bored and then HALLELUJAH I’m alive again and things are good and I remind myself that this, this, THIS is real and this is worth waiting for each time.

One day I know that they’ll will find a cure for whatever it is in my head that randomly and unexpectedly clouds things up and makes life turn into a pale, cardboard imitation.  One day they’ll find a cure.  A drug that works.  A shot that makes the demons go away.

A remission.

And I cling to that.  Because that, my friends, is a beautiful word.

PS. I wrote a week ago about how I’d been diagnosed with a severe b12 deficiency that might be causing some of this depression.  I’m on pills and shots and massive amounts of other pills to help the b12 work and I feel okay today after a week of slight craziness.  14 pills a day isn’t ideal, but I’m worth trying every option.  You are too.  Keep breathing.

Hush now

PPS.  Back to silly, cat-focused ridiculousness tomorrow.  I just needed to write this.  Thank you for listening.

575 thoughts on “Two years ago”

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Fantastic! Now, two years later, you continue to bring joy and laughter to your family, friends, and the annoymous peeps following you on the internet. 🙂

  3. So glad to read this. As a sufferer from anxiety and depression, it’s always good to know that there are others in the same boat.

  4. Remission is a very beautiful word. I’m so happy for you that you were able to find a treatment plan that worked so well against your RA, and that (hopefully) the B12 is making a difference as well.

  8. Jenny,
    As a fellow RA-sufferer, I feel for you. I’m so glad you have found a treatment that is helping you.

  9. You are the brightest, funniest, most honest voice there is!!
    Don’t stop telling us!
    You are loved
    Kathryn

  12. I am SO very glad that you are feeling better. You are an amazing woman. Remission will be my mantra today.

  14. remission is one of the most beautiful words on the planet.

    and i’m with you hoping that they find a way to put depression into remission. that’s so awesome, I think I have a new happy place.

  15. Words can’t express how grateful I am for you, and others like you, who are brave enough to not only face their demons but also speak about them so the rest of us feel less lonely. You’ve started a wonderful community for people who have searched for a community for a long time. Thank you for being you, and for leading us all towards hope even when some of us don’t feel it. We are all in this together.

  19. The most beautiful word in the whole world. I am SO happy for you, Jenny. All the hugs and puggle puppies and Top Gun high fives.

  20. With tears in my eyes I read your post with such joy. I fell in love with your posts because of your humor, your wit, and your honesty. I love that you show us a glimpse into your real life. Into you. I can relate to what you say and how you feel. I am so happy you are finding relief. Remission. It truly is a beautiful word.

  21. I can’t tell you how happy I am to hear this!! You are an inspiration to me. One day we’re all going to feel so much better. <3

  23. I too suffer with severe arthritis. I too had dark days where I felt like a burden to my family and where the pain made me consider that death might be peaceful. I too was saved from that hellhole by the beautiful, miraculous injections. Now, 13 years later, I feel alive again. I provide support for my family financially, physically and emotionally. I walk without pain. I hike. (Running is painful, but only in the muscles). I live. I love. I believe in healing and wish it for you.

  24. You are amazing!
    Thank you for your honesty and making me feel a little less alone…and hopeful.
    xo

  25. that is a beautiful word, remission. just saying it feels like a salve. like it’s quenching a thirst or something. and i’m really, really glad you’ve found the people and the prescriptions capable of granting such a wonderful respite from all that crap.

  27. You are so worth it. You give people a voice who have no voice. That is important. Your humor is a gift to everyone, healthy or ill. That is a great thing, in my opinion. There can never be too much humor.

    I am very happy that you are feeling better. You really deserve to feel good. You are good.

  32. Remission. Fabulous. Makes me tear up. Thanks for sharing your stories to help the rest of us.

  33. B12 changed my life. It didn’t fix everything, but it made a number of things from gastro-intestinal stuff to depression to exhaustion to migraines ease up. I hope it works some of its magic for you.

  34. Thank you so much for sharing your struggles and successes. You are so brave and you give out hope like it was free. Thank you.

  37. I’m so happy for you, Jenny 🙂 Our national treasures need to be protected! And if you aren’t opposed to considering more pills, turmeric might be something to consider for inflammation. Also, get the docs to check for a D3 deficiency – not a normal test. I hope remission is forever.

  38. You are a bright light. Cheers to remission. Ass-kicking strength when those demons rouse and start poking around and prodding. You have such an amazing place in this universe and you touch so many (good touch, not bad touch).

    Cheers again!

  39. Me heart you Jenny! Your blog is the funniest thing I’ve ever read in my life. Fantastic about the remission. Carry on girl!

  40. Gives me hope Jenny, thanks.
    Still haven’t found the magic combo for my fibro, nor my own brain silliness… But it’s stories from others like this that give you the rock of hope to cling to when the waves are still crashing over your own head.
    Much love to you.

  44. I work for the company that makes Simponi, and it is so, so beautiful to see how my daily grind benefits someone – a real person, not just a “nameless patient” that our managers keep telling us we’re working to help.
    I do keep working in the Pharma industry for the hope that one day *everything* will have a cure, or a drug that beats it into remission.

    (Simponi is exactly what I take. If I’m off it even a week I start to feel the old pain creeping back. NEVER STOP MAKING IT. Feel free to share with your fellow workers. Your work has given me so much of my life back. ~ Jenny)

  45. I had vertigo for over 6 years. Based on some periphery symptoms, it may have been closer to 10 years. It caused depression, anxiety, balance problems, nausea, and a host of food issues. No one knew what caused it, mostly (in hindsight) because I had contacted some of the most inept doctors ever.

    One specialist, in a last ditch attempt to figure out what was going on before I would “just have to learn to live with it forever”, sent me to a migraine specialist. The migraine guy could not figure out why I was there, and told me to go to a vestibular physiotherapy clinic.

    10 years of proper medical doctors, and in under an hour this clinic figured out I had BPPV (basically the crystals in my ear had gotten into the wrong place). In under 2 months of treatment, the vertigo had disappeared, my balance was back to normal, and I could eat almost anything I wanted again.

    It’s been a year and a half without the vertigo. It’s the best feeling ever, especially after having been told time and again that there was nothing anyone could do about it, and I would just have to accept being dizzy for the rest of my life. The depression and anxiety still sometimes pop up, but I’m sure that somewhere out there is the right treatment for them as well.

  46. It’s good to feel almost normal (whatever normal feeling is).It’s ever better to have the hope that someday you’ll feel even better than today.

  47. I’m so happy for you. Thank you for the reminders that Depression lies, because it is a sneaky little asshole that tiptoes into the brightest rooms some days and tries to steal the joy of being.

  48. I am literally crying reading this. I am suffering from RA and right now my doc and I have not found anything to help me. Remission almost seems like “never” and I now attend date nights in wheelchairs. It’s embarrassing and isolating and depressing, especially combined with the anxiety and ocd. You are giving me hope but I am in such a bad place right now. Man, I hope I can get through this.

    (You can. It took years and several different doctors but they assured me that the end result was to find a cure that stopped the pain. It took forever to try all the other options and I had to really push to get the right drugs but it’s so worth it. The hard part is testing all the stuff to find what works for you. Don’t give up. You don’t have to live with the pain forever. ~ Jenny)

  49. The day after my 28th birthday, I was diagnosed with early on-set Parkinson’s Disease…
    I was certain that everything would be ruined and horrible and awful from that moment on but it wasn’t…
    Things were harder, certainly…
    It wasn’t the end of my life though but more just life re-arranged…
    I adore when people are honest about their struggles but also mindful of the fact that it isn’t the end of their world, that half of the fight is outlook…
    I believe with all of my heart that life is still good, even when it isn’t…
    Thanks for sharing and empathyzing and being honest!

  51. This is such fantastic news. Congrats on the remission and congrats on continuing to kick depressions ass, even when you think it’s kicking your ass. 🙂

  53. I’m off to the hospital this morning for my 11th surgery in 5 months thanks to a very botched hysterectomy. The timing of this very honest post is perfect. Thank you.

    (Sending you such love. Surgery is so incredibly draining and frustrating, especially for something so crappy. ~ Jenny)

  54. Been on B-12 for a long time. Definitely helps with the ‘sads’. Bravo for recognizing the good through all the pain. One day at a damn time!

  55. Found the blog a few weeks ago – have been steadily reading backwards through all of the content since then. You give such encouragement to people even when you find your own; it’s amazing. Thank you.

  56. Yey! <3 "Remission" is such a loaded word. The perspective I had when my endo told me I was in "remission" the first time was that it just meant that my disease (graves') would inevitably come back, not that I was healed. It meant that I had a chronic problem. And then it did come back, but then it went away again, and I saw remission more positively…

    I hope you're in remission forever.

  58. The day after my 28th birthday, I was diagnosed with early on-set Parkinson’s Disease…
    I was certain that everything would be ruined and horrible and awful from that moment on but it wasn’t…
    Things were harder, certainly…
    It wasn’t the end of my life though but more just life re-arranged…
    I adore when people are honest about their struggles but also mindful of the fact that it isn’t the end of their world, that half of the fight is outlook…
    I believe with all of my heart that life is still good, even when it isn’t…
    Thanks for sharing and empathyzing and being honest!

  59. I don’t suffer from anything as intense as many people, but I have, through reading tons of pubmed articles and self experimentation, found a handful of herbs and nutritional supplements that make my life so so much better (mentally and physically). B12 and vitamin D3 are two of many that I take daily. When i skip them for awhile, I am tired, sore and grumpy. A handful of pills is nothing compared to that.

    I am so glad you have found something that works for your body! Hope you find something that helps more consistently for your mind! Here’s to happy bodies and minds!!

  62. Remission is a beautiful thing–congrats on hearing that lovely word regarding your RA. I really hope that it’s word that will some day apply to the mental shit too. I also have the B12 (and 6) deficiency and I have to say that I feel a lot better since taking the supplements so here’s hoping that you feel even better now that you’re adding them to your regime.

  63. I am happy for you. You give me hope that one day, I too can say the same thing. Doing the metaphoric happy dance for you!

  64. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I battle anxiety myself, and I think a little PTSD due to childhood abuse. I don’t take meds daily, but I do talk myself out of stressing out daily. It’s a battle to be normal, but then again, I don’t really WANT to be normal. 🙂 Hugs to you.

  66. A combination of B12 and Dhelped me, I was on heavy doses even in the summer (everyone one told me, go outside you will get enough of it from the sun). I was able to ween off my depression/anxiety medication because of it (and losing weight) and haven’t been back on it since. My OCD gets worse when I am depressed or my anxiety is around.. it all goes hand in hand with me. Now I will admit I am still a little OCD every day but no where as bad, I can control it.

    Good luck, depression and anxiety issues are so common. I never knew that until I start speaking about my depression to others. I think maybe if people talk about it and know it’s OKAY it can help someone else.

    Glad you are in remission, pain is no fun. I have chronic pain from multiple things, and nothing will ever help except medication which helps less and less. I hope you are in remission for good.

  67. When you write, whether it is of goofy adventures or the truth of your human experience, you do so beautifully. That is all. — Dylan

  68. I needed this today. I needed a reminder that even when things are shitty and all I want to do is stay curled up in a ball and cry, the darkness will eventually fade. Thank you for this.

    Ps so glad to hear things seem to be going in the right direction for you, you’ve worked your ass off for it and it’s definitely well deserved!

  69. Remission 🙂 It’s well worth 14 pills a day for that!

    I’m so thrilled that you’re doing so well.

  73. I’ve never, ever written to you, although I’ve read your blog for two(?) years…I don’t know how long that is in chicken years, but it feels like forever. Anyway. I love you – as much of you is out here on the internet and in your book, anyway, and I figured it was time to tell you so. Write what you want, or don’t write for a while, or post pictures of the cats in costume, be funny or deranged or navel-gazey, it doesn’t matter to me. The fact that you exist is pretty rat. (I accidentally typed “rat”, and then corrected it to “rad”, and then re-corrected it to “rat” again because it’s way better.)

    The end.

  74. I hope you get to be in remission for ever and ever.

    I also am one who hopes for a cure for the anxiety and depresson and gloomy gray days that pop up with no warning. There are days when I see color but don’t “SEE” it and those days suck. ((hug))

  75. As someone with MS….YES YES YES in agreement on the word.
    And I am so happy to hear you are where you are. I know that it has been incredibly hard for you, and it’s always been good to see you continuing even when you most likely did not feel up to it. Keep being awesome.

  76. So glad to hear you are in remission as it were. I know that it can be hard living with a chronic issue. Stay strong lady. Hugz to all.

  77. Congratulations. I have had my share of medical drama, which seemed like the end of my life to me but were maybe not as bad as what you’ve gone through, and I know that the moment you realize you’ll get your life back is amazing.

  79. This made me cry, but they were good tears. I’m so touched by how honest and open you are about your struggles. Thank you. Keep up the good work – in your life, and in your kick-ass blog! 🙂

  80. Thank you for writing about this, Jenny. This last month I’ve been in the middle of the worst anxiety episode I’ve ever had–last night was one of those nights where it feels like it will never end and nothing will ever be okay again. This is a timely post for me, and it helps more than I can tell you, it really does. Thank you.

  82. Yeah, that’s awesome! Thank-you for your honesty about your depression and anxiety disorders, you have helped reduce the stigma attached to these issues and helped me figure out what’s going on in my head.

  84. I have read your blog for a long time, love your book, but have never commented, I think? 🙂 anyways, I had to post, at risk of being one of those crazy people…..the B12 deficiency is what got me…..I urge you to look into the gluten free diet and be tested for celiac, if you haven’t already. Undiagnosed celiac disease often goes hand in hand with other autoimmune illnesses such as RA. A vitamin deficiency is a red flag. (And random nerd fact, back in ” the day” they found a huge segment of people in mental institutions were undiagnosed celiacs who were alcoholics, because they were so diminished on B12 it caused paranoid schizophrenia symptoms). My long winded point is, it’s worth a shot right? I’m living proof gluten is evil to some people, and it made a world of difference in my life. Your doc can run a celiac blood panel and order an endoscope (the “official” gold standard for diagnosis). Best of luck and so glad you are turning the corner!
    Amy D,
    Chairperson of Celiac Sprue Association ch 125

  85. The word “remission” is right up there with other awesome words like “multiple orgasm” and “chocolate cake”.

    Here’s hoping that all three are here to stay!

  86. I love that in place of the pain you now have gratitude. I love that you can wait out the dark. I love that you are hear to encourage all the rest of us who are fighting the fight, waiting for the next dip, thanking God for every day we wake up and can get out of bed without an inner pep talk. (Or can get out of bed at all.) Thank you for all that you say and do about depression.

    Last week a 13 year old girl in a weekly class that I teach lost her war on depression. She thought it couldn’t get better. She listened to the lies and believed them. I had only begun to get to know this young woman and I saw the battle going on. So did all of her regular teachers and so did her parents. We were all working to get her the help she needed. She had so many voices telling her that she was worth it, but depression’s voice was the loudest. Damn it. Damn it to hell.

    Jenny, keep talking. Keep yelling, “DEPRESSION LIES” at the top of your lungs – online and off. If we all yell loud enough, maybe we can drown out those lies.

    Depression lies.

  87. Thanks so much for posting this! I’ve been struggling with a “down” phase in my depression after having experienced a wonderful “up.” Seems those miracle meds have stopped working. It always makes me feel better knowing that I’m not the only one riding this particular roller coaster.

    So happy to hear your RA is in remission! I’ll drink to that!!

  89. Remission IS a great place to be…is that located anywhere near denial??

    (It’s nearby, but the weather is amazingly different. ~ Jenny)

  91. Thank you for writing it. You are wonderful, and I thank you for being there and being awesome. Can’t find the other words I need this morning, so those will have to do for now.

  93. Remission is a beautiful word. So is hope. Thank you for sharing your good news and your hope. You are so right that you, and all of us, are worth every option. So many of us need to be reminded of this.

  95. In November I celebrate three years of Spontsneous Remission from Anklyosing Spondylosis. I know the joy you are feeling now. While I still live with the damage caused by my disease, I am no longer moving rapidly towards life in a wheel chair, daily pain killers and pain that makes living a torturous existence. My heart sings for you. Remission is a beautiful word.

  96. Awesome! Thank you! It gives hope during the craptasticness of life. And thank you for making us laugh, or at least smirk even when I’m in a sh*t-poor mood. 😉

  97. Hallefuckingluia. Wow. I got nothing else – just relief and joy for you.

  99. Thanks for expressing your thoughts and feelings so eloquently. You are no less interesting when you tackle the very serious issues. All the best!

  100. I agree, Remission is a wonderful word to hear. Having passed a 5 year thyroid cancer free anniversary myself earlier this month, I understand a little about the worrying, the doctor visits, the hopes that this medical treatment will set you on the path to feeling normal once more.

    You’ve got your family to give you physical hugs, but there are zen hugs zooming to you from all parts of the world. Oh, how you are loved and our lives are enriched because you are part of it, Jenny! Thank you for sharing so much of yourself.

  101. Get blood tested for MTHFR. If you have it ( it’s a clotting disorder) you will need metholated B vitamins ( not like breaking bad meth, just a different form that’s better absorbed by your body if you have this condition) . It was seriously contributing to my crazy. On the RA front. I’m concerned that such a thing is trying to invade my body. My leg foot has been hurting so badly that I want to chew it off , grr. Just grr

    (I don’t have it but I have two other clotting disorders that I take drugs for. Not fun. ~ Jenny)

  105. I second what Amy said about gluten! I’ve been geeking out on the Paleo/ancestral diet and I think of you EVERY TIME I read that cutting out gluten and/or reducing your carbohydrate intake can help RA sufferers.

    Either way, so glad you’re feeling better! Big hugs to you.

  106. I, too, hope you keep yelling “DEPRESSION LIES” at the type of your lungs…. Because even among the laughter, and God knows you give us plenty of that 🙂 , the darkness lurks. I also pray right along beside you for a cure for that dark place. I had my own remission (cancer) 2 years ago, followed closely by my almost 2-year old miracle. Remission is a wonderful word. And those bright moments ARE worth waiting for! Thanks for all for the laughter, and for posts like today’s, where you bring happy, meaningful tears. 🙂

  107. I tried three different medications before finding one that mostly works for my depression/anxiety. It’s not perfect, but the only way I can explain it is that it gives me much more of a head start on the demons. I still have the anxiety, and the cloudy down times, but instead of it being once or twice a month, it’s 3-4 times a year, and I can usually see it coming and get help before it gets too bad.

    I went from 1 daily pill + 1 as needed pill for the anxiety attacks (about once or twice a week) + 1 as needed pill to sleep (about once or twice a week) to 1 daily pill + 1 as needed for sleep (about once or twice a month) that I can cut in half in case of an anxiety attack (about 3-4 a year)

    I know that if it werent for this medication, I would not be able to handle everything that has sucker punched me in the past couple of years, and I am greatful, but I still have hope that they will find something that makes it all go away.

    For now though, I appreciate the head start

  108. You may have needed to write this…But I needed to read this more. As I wait for that wonderful word (remission) for a host of decidedly unusual conditions that cause 24/7 vertigo and hence, depression. Your post is like a light at the end of a very long tunnel for me. Thank you.

  109. Wonderful to hear your RA is in remission.

    I, too, pray for a remission for depression. Until then, I’ll take my meds and pray they keep working. I’ll keep watching my daughter like a hawk and doing everything I can to keep that demon at bay in her. I know she’ll probably need meds too someday, but maybe as she gets older (she’s 8) they’ll get better. Maybe she’ll find remission, even if I don’t.

  111. I will always owe you a dept for making it ‘ok’ enough to be crazy that I could see me and know it was not just alright but good to start talking to someone. I love you to bits you strange stranger 😉

  112. Thank you so much for sharing this. I am so glad you’re in remission and in a good place with your depression. You make a difference in so many people’s lives.

  113. That’s supposed to be (She’s eight) I wrote 8 and it turned it into some smiley thing?

  114. These past 10 months I have chanted your wise words “Depression is a lying bitch”. Thank you for ALL you share…the funny shit and everything.

  115. Jenny – I am so happy to hear the word remission. What a truly wonderful word. Congratulations and best wishes.

  116. I needed to hear this today. I am dealing with lingering issues from 2 car accidents, chronic pain, a long term struggle with anxiety and depression, and other health issues. This weekend I just wanted to give up.

  117. Wonderful news, Jenny! I hope your healing journey continues to lead you in positive directions! I can’t imagine being in your position, but I CAN imagine the freedom you must feel by having your life back. Continue to live it! 🙂

  118. Jenny, you post whatever you damn well want, whenever you want. By being the Bloggess you have brought all of us along on this journey with you and we’re not getting off the bus just because sometimes it’s not a fun bus.

    Sometimes people don’t need kittens and hilarity. Sometimes they need to know that someone who struggles has found victory and success, no matter how small. You have helped me, personally, overcome medically induced depression and severe anxiety that tortured my family. You have helped hundreds of other people face the same, or different, or much worse.

    You’ve helped us. Now don’t apologize, and let us help you.

  119. Thank you for writing this. I work in the pharmaceutical industry conducting clinical trials and drug safety. It wears on you everyday when everyone calls you the devil and sometimes you question why you are in this line of work. And then other days you read something like this and you say to yourself, this is why I do what I do, this is what makes me ignore the haters because I can help that one person. Today – I will work with you in mind and continue on to helping more people.

  121. I too am living with a serious mental condition and now chronic pain from a neck injury. My mental illness took EVERYTHING from me; my marriage, children, career, licenses. I was in denial for a very, very long time. And every SINGLE time I “hear” you say that mental illness LIES, I find hope. I am slowly rebuilding a different life. Not the life that I wish I had or did have but a different one. I am trying to accept that. It is so hard but I do it anyway. At least most days.
    The pain, is another story all together. But, thank you. Your writing keeps me going and laughing and knowing that I am not alone.

  125. We love you because you’ve been there, not despite the fact. When you have hope, we all can remember to. I enjoy your funny posts of course, but these are just as important. I’m sure all of your fans feel the same. Hope is an annoying little f^cker. It’s hard to kill. Thank goodness.

  126. Happy you’re feeling better and hopefully you’ll continue to keep feeling better and better!
    My husband switched to a plant based diet years ago and his depression has improved greatly. I see SUCH a difference. I can’t say for sure it’s the diet, but it seems to be one of the main factors that had changed.

  127. Despite all of that going on inside you conitinue to share your experiences and by doing so help many people who have struggled in the dark. May you continue to see Hope shine through.

  128. Keep trying and keep that hope. I come from a line of women who suffered from depression and I believe I have overcome with medicine and a newly energized faith in God. I always will remember the dark days of crying and hiding out with wine and cigarettes. But, like you said, in the place of this pain is thankfulness and hope. I will pray that you overcome and come out on the other side with hope and gratitude. (BTW I still have my crazy upside down way of looking at the world, much to the dismay of my children at times. And you will still have your crazy upside down way of looking at the world when you beat this!

  130. One day at a time, that’s all anyone can hope for.
    Look how different things are now from two years ago. Who’s to say it won’t be even better two years into the future. Here’s to hoping the pain stays away, for you and for everybody else suffering through dark days waiting for the light. XO

  131. Congrats on the remission Jenny! Glad to hear that life is better for one of the best characters on the internet <3

  132. Thank you so much for sharing. It gives me hope…my daughter, who is almost 20, battles with something like arthritis (but the dr. won’t say yes that’s the diagnosis) and depression. It is a daily struggle for her and I feel helpless. You’re story gives me hope that her future will be bright!

  133. I didn’t have time to read any responses so far, so I hope mine isn’t repetition….but have you tried going gluten free. I’ve recently sorta, kinda …..Only because I haven’t been able to give up the bread for sandwiches but I’m trying….Anyway my adult daughter tried it to see if her ailments mostly digestive would go away (they did) and since we are a mixed generation (3) living together, we sorta, kinda ( since I’m the resident cook) eat the same thing. My husbands leg pain from being a type 2 diabetic has eased up. I have arthritis in my one wrist and an inplant in the other and I’ve stopped taking tylenol 4’s for the inplant re-injury (a long story). The other thing I’ve noticed(I”m either pre menopause mid menopause , I really don’t know where I am in that nightmare) If I don’t eat anything with gluten I have a good night. If I’ve eaten any gluten —-my head feels full of mucus and I have hot flashes all night. My mother has gone gluten free, she’s 79 she is a golfer and a gardener and has arthritis in her hands and wrists…since giving up the gluten (almost she knows shes going to be suffering–but she can’t give up the bread either once in awhile) tomatoes and red peppers she is pain free. The tomatoes and red peppers have been the hardest for her. Have you tried eliminating tomatoes and red peppers? Or Gluten?

  136. So happy for you! You give the rest of us hope for remission. I am still in the process of finding the right drug to get my RA under control.

  137. I’m so glad you’re feeling better. The world is much more glorious and shiny with you in it, even when it’s dark for you. You’re a wonderful human.

  138. Your words continue to inspire me and give me hope. I too wait out the black periods of depression and have at times wondered if I was a burden on my family. But the clouds and darkness do clear and I have periods where I recognize that I am a worthy, good person who suffers a disease, not “crazy”. Never change who you are or what you write, because you truly do inspire!

  139. Amazing you and amazing Allie make it easier for me to bear my depression. Thank you for posts like this.

  141. “It’s a part of me, it’s not all of me” – I’m going to adopt that for myself. I have had lupus since I was 15 (25yrs), and know the frustrations of daily pain; of not being able to do all that you used to, need to, want to do; of feeling like you are a burden to your loved ones.
    I read your blog every day, Jenny (when there isn’t a new post I go through the archives). Not only do you make me laugh until I snort but you inspire me by your strength, and by your honesty, admitting your weaknesses, letting me know I’m not alone.

  143. Thank you for that. I’ve been going through a very stressful time. It makes my anxiety and depression flare. Depression is a liar.

  144. Fantastic! It’s always good to read about new pharmaceuticals. I have a love/hate relationship with prednisone. Great to hear that something else is working for you!

  145. Thank you again Jenny for your willingness to share all with us, good and bad. I’m super excited that this is good and pray that your healing continues and your remission is extended!

  146. Jenny, I am SO happy for you. No remission here…when I lost insurance, I lost the injections…but I’ve had those clear spots. They are amazing and about time, eh? My goal is to stay off narcotic pain relief for as long as possible, and you gave me a lot of hope and encouragement with your post. Thank you! (steroid moon face seriously sucks, doesn’t it? LoL it’s not as bad as the…um…”anger management issues” after several months on the stuff. Oh, the joy, lol.

  147. A message of hope, hope, for someone who wants to know, that’s what we cling to. Yes, hoping for all of us, that we’ll make it through. We love you, Jennie. You are something else…

  150. You just made my work day begin with a smile (and yes, I read your blog at work. Someone’s gotta keep me entertained). Sending warm thoughts from Toronto <3

  151. Love that you have heard that wonderful word, remission!

    And like you, I pray that someday that will be a reality for those of us who suffer from depression and mental illness. Thanks to you and your voice, I am no longer afraid to write about and share my depression (I wrote about it yesterday!). I hope that i continue to have the strength to do so and maybe I will be lucky enough to help just one person the way you have helped me.

  154. I had a really hard week and a rough night. This post is good, Thank you, Jenny, I’ll feel better soon. Lots of love to you.

  156. I AM FUCKING THRILLED FOR YOU JENNY!!!!! My husband has been on Remicaide for over 10 years and they have been a life saver!!!! That’s the one that they give IV every 8 weeks.

    I am doing a “Snoopy Dance” just for you!!!!

  157. You are an amazing person! Thank you for sharing your struggles with us. xo

  160. Congratulations on your remission. You are such a wonderful role model for your daughter and everyone that reads your blog.

  162. I thought I was going nuts because of health issues for years before I figured out I had a B12 deficiency. Taking it daily has made a HUGE difference in my life.

    So glad you are on the road to wellness.

  167. My daughter’s doc had her tested for a genetic mutation that makes the body less able to process folic acid. This also makes medication for depression less effective for some people. Turns out she does have one form of the mutation so she takes l-methyl folate, extra b12, and b6. And it’a helped. It’s called the MTHFR mutation but I fondly refer to it as the MoTHerFuckeR mutation. So, you too might be a motherfucker mutant and get to take bright orange pills everyday. But it also might help.

    And thank you. You help too.

  170. As someone who also suffers from depression and chronic illnesses, your blog is something that gives me inspiration. Chin up, young person!

  171. I agree with Amy, look into CELIAC DISEASE!!!!

    Megan

    P.S. I know I already sent you a message, but I’m sure you get more than you can handle so I’m just trying to increase the odds that you see this! It sucks to be sick, but it’s worse when there might be an easy cure!

  173. So glad you’re feeling better. What a wonderful thing it is FEEL alive.

    I struggled with depression for many years before finally being diagnosed with hypothyroidism a few months ago. I’d had no idea that a physical problem like that could have such a huge impact on my MENTAL health. I’m still depressed sometimes, but it’s a small shadow of what it used to be, and I’m confident now that it will get better now that I have the right medicine for it.

    You’d think testing for thyroid problems and other conditions would be a no-brainer, but for many years doctors either ignored my requests for bloodwork or never got back to me after taking my blood for testing. They just saw a fat person and assumed that my weight was the cause rather than a symptom. It’s unfortunate, but you really have to fight for your own health. I’m finally learning that it’s worth the fight, because you can actually win.

  176. I’m so glad to hear that they have found something that works for your RA. You are my hero when it comes to depression. I just have to remind myself that depression lies, just like you said. Sometimes it’s not easy to believe, as if the idea that I am a horrible mother and epic failure are so much easier to believe. I am blessed with a good support system and I don’t feel alone anymore. You are a big part of that so I’m thrilled for any chance to hear that doctors can find something that helps treat what ails you, you are worth so much more than you know.

  177. I love the picture thingy at the bottom – it’s part of me, not all of me… I forget that sometimes. Thank you for the reminder.

  178. You should get tested for a gene mutation in your MTHFR gene (and yes, how appropriate that THAT is the abbreviation). Husband has two copies, and it messes up your B12 absorption and folate stuff. His sister’s mutation caused multiple miscarriages. If you’ve got two copies, you can get Hailey tested too and see if she might need extra B vitamin supplements, as we’re doing with our son, which can prevent things like teenage depression.

  180. Thank you. You’ve made me do something I should have done a year ago, I’m changing doctors. I’m stuck in a rural area without many choices so I have to travel if I want to change, which made me complacent. Also I don’t tell anyone I have RA. But this morning I asked on FB for recommendations, maybe not the best way to find a new doc, but many of my friends work in the medical field and I thought it was better than just looking through the phone book. Anyway I’m trying someone new, maybe someone who will listen to me.

  181. Yay for remission! You are an amazing woman and your posts make my days a little bit better 🙂

  182. I’m so glad you wrote this.

    I would like to mention there is a sub-lingual liquid for B vitamins. It is wonderful. You can usually get it by asking your favorite pharmacy to start carrying it. Several online companies carry it. THere’s a few different brands. in fact I think I once bought a version at that body-builder store.

    Hang in there, Jenny and keep the posts coming, please.

    *hugs*

  183. I am thrilled for you! I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia 2 years ago and GAD recently. Everyday is a battle, but a battle worth fighting! Here’s to hoping for a cure for our silly brains and sore bodies!

  184. I am SO happy to hear this great news! I’ve been reading your blog for awhile and you always bring me happiness AND hope! I pray that you continue to find the strength to push through when the bad stuff happens in your head, and also hope like crazy that someone, somewhere, finds something to make those little aholes go into remission as well. People love you! Everyone wants you around!!! Take care! I wish you more of this kind of good news!! xxoo

  185. I am genuinely happy that you have been able to recover on multiple fronts es[pecially with such quality-of-life threatening ailments. 🙂

    And, yeah, the chittering in our heads can get really damn loud, in’nit?

  186. I don’t mean to sound like a “broken record” or “beat a dead horse” (who does that?) but, I have less faith in the pharmaceutical industry than I do good “old fashioned” homeopathic HERBS, MINERALS, PLANT-LIFE, AND NATURE. Now before you write me off as some half-cocked idiot (which I’m sure you are, because that’s about what most people do) please read further. Our generation was the generation of “sit still and shut up” and all the doctors began recommending and prescribing to our parents “medicinal remedies” to “cope with” hyper-activity, anxiety, and depression found in their children. The hyper-activity, anxiety, and depression (and countless other “symptoms”) were a result of our diets being compromised by the food industry. We are now consuming massive amounts of toxic chemicals in our foods, not only on a processed food level, but on an organic food level. These genetically modified implementations into our food supply have reached a critical level in human beings who are now suffering infertility, birth defects, chronic illness, and cancer. The most frightening element of all of this is that they are “aware” and have done so deliberately. The American people are essentially “guinea pigs”. The laboratory scientists in our food industry altering our fertilizers and genetically modifying our seed growth are the same group of Nazi eugenicists (now called geneticists) from WWII that were brought over to America from our government to continue their research. The EPA lists toxicity levels of certain chemicals and the FDA and USDA warrants levels to be safe for consumption. Unfortunately, they are not. On top of that scary news, large corporations such as Monsanto, Syngenta, Dow, Gates, Rockerfeller, etc. all have their paws in the food industry (purposefully) and also claim ownership of the ominous lurking end-of-the-world Seed Vault in Svalbard. To further complicate this erroneous story, the pharmaceutical industry is an equally profiting engine utilizing the same chemical engineering in our vaccines, medications, and vitamins. My advice to you (and it will not be an overnight success–I was on pharmaceutical medications for nearly a decade and it has taken my body two years to re-regulate its normal adrenal processes and histamine levels. I’ve suffered ongoing allergies, anaphylaxis, and multiple arthritic complaints and my research of “natural remedies” is ongoing to this day, but fruitful and rewarding) is to SLOWLY and CAREFULLY eliminate the “pills” that I believe are causing you more harm then good. I say this to you with reservation because each person is uniquely designed with their own “baggage claim” and physicians will outright disagree. But you will find (if you decide to research and literally “replace” each pill with a natural remedy) that your body will indeed heal. I’m not making this up. Love you tons. Hope you find some REAL relief. I can guarantee you that you will find taking a scavenger hunt down “mystery foods” lane, you will be shocked and appalled. Most of the general public will forgo this effort and seek out the “magical” pill, but in doing so (which is blind consumer trust which has been severely broken) they are risking their own lives and futures. I’m not saying that pills don’t have their magical charms. The ones I was taking served as immediate relief while I tried to discover the “root” of what ailed me, but the duration of taking those pills left notable damage to my health which I am still recovering from. There are thousands of resources. Here’s just one to start: http://www.undergroundhealth.com/13-of-the-most-effective-mood-stabilizers-in-natural-medicine/

  187. thank YOU for hanging in there. . . . the world would be too dull of a place without you.

  188. Thanks for this, Jenny! In the past year I have found my way to medication that works for my depression, but this week has been hard and I feel depression creeping in and trying to find a foothold. Reading this was exactly what I needed today.

  189. Good for you Jenny! I’m happy that you finally have some good news health wise. It really does become overbearing when you feel hopeless, that the pain you go through daily just doesn’t ever seem to want to go away. BUT, your doctors seem to actually be working for & WITH you to help you when so many get the opposite & end up going up and down on the rollercoaster of medicine.

    I gained some weight over the past year due to my legs always being in pain from my MS and it’s really upsetting and just over the weekend I was in tears over it. It doesn’t seem like a lot but now I realized I’m up one size and I fear that if my pain continues(which leads to fatigue) that I’m going to keep going up & up. Illnesses like these really are a pain in the ass(or in my case the hips & the thighs).

    I know the depression angle as well. Or I didn’t until the past year. For me I decided to pretend for the better part of 20yrs I wasn’t sick until I progressed. That’s when my denial for years turned to depressed, angry and anxious.

    You’re actually one of the reasons I may consider a medication for the first time ever, partially because I’m hoping it will combat both the fatigue/cog fog & also combat my anxiety. Also because maybe it won’t be such a bad thing to take something finally.

    You really don’t know do you how much of an inspiration you are to soo many of us. I think we all see a kindred spirit, someone who goes through what we do and helps us realize “we’re going to be OK”.

    Thank you for that.

  190. Remission is a beautiful word, hopefully I’ll hear it soon. I have Crohn’s, RA’s stupid, weirdly related cousin. I can relate to more days in bed, a span of 3 months (a few years ago) when I spent over 30 days in the hospital. Watching my kiddo worry and wonder why mommy can’t get out of bed to play. Remembering my mom sitting on the edge of my bed crying, afraid I was going to die, losing most of my long hair and losing so much weight people at work thought I had an eating disorder. I finally had surgery, after I woke up the surgeon was in my room, he told me I was lucky to be alive. When he opened me up my intestines disintegrated in his hands. After trying many treatments…steroids, remicade (which I had an allergic reaction to…God I wanted to die for three solid days), my doc put me on twice monthly injections. I’m a new person.

    Here’s to finding ways for those with other illnesses to also get to hear the sweet word “remission”

  192. I have been struggling for 2 years with getting the proper diagnosis for the arthritis I have (probably RA). So far I have been treated with only pain meds which is robbing me of time, time with my almost 4 year old, time with my husband, time where I don’t hurt. Having depression and anxiety disorder (medicated) compounds the problem. I am so happy you are in remission, your posts make me laugh, give me hope, and make me feel not so alone. Thank you.

  193. This is why I come here…for the hope and gratitude lessons. I live in near constant pain and with chronic illness. Just last week I was feeling that “just don’t want to live like this ANYMORE” feeling. Your words about lies and your words about what we mean to others and how we are WORTH life help me so very much. I am so glad your meds are doing it for you 🙂 and that you are hanging in 🙂

  194. You go.

    This is an excellent strategy. Calculate a time in which you went from bad to good — three months, 2 years, etc. — and focus on that. And imagine how much BETTER you’ll feel when that much time passes again: after another three months or 2 years. Thankfulness and hope are like drugs.

    Feel better.

  195. Remission is beautiful and so are you. Thank you for your transparency as always. You are an inspiration. Just keep swimming. Xo

  196. So lovely. I’m glad to hear about your remission and your hope for the other intermittent-but-someday-maybe-steady remissions. You are a wonderful human being.

  197. I am so happy for you that you are doing better and I hope that you will continue to do better. Thank you for the reminder that it is a part of me, it is not all of me.

  198. Congratulations!. I’m sure taking 14 pills isn’t fun, but finding a combination that makes you able to enjoy your life and your family is priceless.

    What gets me is the lingering fear. I found a combination of pills and vitamins that keep my migraines mostly at bay. But occasionally, some allergen or stress upsets the apple cart and the pain returns. At those times, I wonder, will I ever get back to feeling good, or was that my last chance?

    So far, I’ve been able to get back to feeling good. Whew.

  199. Thank you for reminding me that remission is even possible. As I pop my morning pills and cry today that the pain will stop- I needed to know that some, like you, are on the other side.

    I will join you there someday sister

  202. My grandmother struggled with rheumatoid arthritis, and never did find anything that helped a lot. I’m so glad you have found something that works.

  203. As someone who has Crohn’s, which has treatments almost the same as RA, I long for the word remission. Congratulations on hearing it.

  204. I don’t comment much, but I read faithfully, and I get excited everytime I see a new post of yours pop up in my reader. And I have two things to say to this post:

    1) WOOHOO!

    2) You are truly an inspiration.

  205. This is so exciting!! I bet you are so happy! Congrats. I know this is very minor compared to your victory but I just got a call this morning from my docter that my blood work looks great and I don’t have to be on cholesteral meds anymore.

  206. Thank you for sharing. I think we all could benefit from a little remission – You remind people, regardless of what ails them, that this is worth fighting for. Glad you’re feeling hopeful again!

  209. Thank you for sharing your journey, it means a lot to know I’m not alone. My journey is also a lot lighter in ways, than when I first started. I celebrate both of our successes and look forward to many more.

  212. It’s not so much “Misery loves company” it’s more ‘It’s nice to know I’m not alone.”

    Thank you for sharing.

    Elisa (Anxiety Disorder, Fibromyalgia, Agorophobia, Depression)

  213. Wonderful news!! You are so right that depression lies.

    Thank you for your voice and your honesty. Keep it up.

  214. Thank you for being you. And writing about how it is to be you and OWNING it. And by owning it, I mean putting it out there, because that first step, I know that isn’t easy. I can say without a doubt that your presence here has helped MANY people feel like things are eventually going to be okay and for that, again, I’m thankful. I’m thankful for your you-ness.

  215. Yay for remission. I’m in my own Remission at the moment. I’m completely off all of my meds, except for my panic attacks, and I feel wonderful. I’m not too low, not too high. I’m me. I saw a glimpse of me last year, before I got pregnant. And I’m back. I hope it lasts more than just a few months. If it does, it’ll be the first time in nearly 6 or 7 YEARS! Hopefully my demons have been laid to rest for the time being. And with continued Therapy, and reminding myself that I HAVE to take care of me before I can take care of anyone else… I’ll keep them that way. I absolutely adore you Lady, and so grateful to be able to sit and read everything you write.

  216. Two years ago, my RA had been in remission for nearly 25 years. Now, not so much remission as a reminder that it is still there, deforming my hands, feet, and elbow. Two months ago, I started drugs for depression and now I think I’m headed back toward drugs for RA, but neither will hurt my heart, mind, or spirit. God Speed to all who suffer silently, out loud, and in-between.

  217. ***Does*** a little “remission” dance for Jenny. Yah!

    Well, as much of a dance I can do with osteoarthritis in my hips and neck. It’s the thought that matters.

    Love ya.

  218. Great news!

    Also I thought I’d add: vegemite a great source of vitamin B <- I grew up on this stuff, its delicious (and also probably an acquired taste).

  220. Let me add my voice to the many many others that have congratulated you and thanked you for your honesty, your humor, and your improved health. You ARE worth it. We all are. BECAUSE OF CHEESE.

  223. It takes strength to have humility and honesty, and I admire that. As someone who has been struggling with a Vit B12 deficiency for the last three years I know how much joint pain, disorientation, lethargy, and sad feels that brings. After three years of taking 5,000 mcg of B12 a day and having a monthly injection my levels have finally stayed up consistently, but towards the end of the month I still get the severe arthritic pain. I was stunned to find out how much my mental and physical health was affected by a simple vitamin, and I hope your diagnosis brings you as much relief as mine did. xo

  224. “…THIS is real and this is worth waiting for every time.”

    I think I should just tattoo this on my hand so I don’t forget it.

  225. I am truly grateful for you and the daily dose of awesomeness, hilarity, honesty, and inspiration I find here. What wonderful news, Happy Remission!

  226. Congrats on the great news. And, as always, thanks for sharing your ups and downs with us. You helps us remember that there is always hope, sprinkled with a little patience.

  227. the chances of you reading this particular comment are miniscule, i know, but i did want to voice my thanks for your words. you write what it often in my head. you’d think a texan mother and a gay latino guy from california might not have all that much in common, but you’d be wrong.

  228. Jenny….you give so many hope. Keep writing. Keep fighting. Keep baring your soul even when it’s dark and hard to write. It helps.

  229. Beautiful, real and raw. Thank you for sharing. Since befriending my own demons and taming my fiery brain with meds, I’m as well as can be. If this is As Good As It Gets, I’m happy.

  230. HUGS. That old grey hag Depression and I are, unfortunately, on first-name terms, and have been all my adult life. Sometimes she stops by for a few hours or a couple days; once or twice a year she settles in for a long, exhausting stay, even though she wore out her welcome years ago. She does, thankfully, always– eventually– leave, and I slam the door on her, hoping like hell she’ll stay gone for good this time.

    Just saying that I know where you’re coming from, and I adore you, and I wouldn’t want to live in a world that didn’t feature The Bloggess. So… thanks. 🙂

  232. What a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing your life with us, it is a honor to walk with you through your struggles, triumphs, and remissions!

  234. Remission is a lovely word to describe an even better experience. I’ve been following you (still sounds creepy) for a long time now, and wanted to add to the chorus — Congratulations!

    My ulcerative colitis has been in remission now for about two years, after messing around with different medications. And for what it’s worth, once prednisone was out of my life, my depression was mostly gone, too.

    I’m really glad you’re feeling better.

  235. You truly are a light in the darkness. I always feel good after reading your posts. So often I hear myself thinking, depression lies. What fantastic words! Thank you.

  237. My sister suffers from depression — and I worry about one of my sons (age 11) who is so like her. I love and appreciate when people – like you – describe and talk about depression publicly for the medical condition that it is. It goes a long to way to end the stigma. THANK YOU & Congratulations on the beautiful new word in your world – remission.

  238. I have OCD and just want to tell you that words like these give me strength to fight it everyday, recover from depression and follow my dreams. Thank you very much. 🙂

  242. So very pleased for your physical remission, will keep praying and hoping for a mental one. Don’t ever qualify what you write with “I just had to…”, it’s too much like an apology and you have NOTHING to apologize for. What you feel is real and worth expressing. I was told too often as a little girl that my feelings were wrong and I should just let [x] go and as an adult I still question my feelings as a result. Letting things go is not who I am, but I can choose how I react. How did this get about me? Anyway. What you need to write, you need to write and I guaran-damn-tee you someone needs to hear it. Always. You do so much for so many with this blog and your other projects. Thank you.

  245. That was beautiful, and I’m glad you’re doing better. Thank you for writing it.

  246. I’m so happy for you. I can’t imagine how hard dealing with RA must be.

    I used to do demos for Zipfizz, and their drinks all have an incredible amount of b12 in them. Obviously, I’m not your doctor, and he knows way more about basically everything than I do, but the Zipfizz drinks are fairly inexpensive, and a lot less unpleasant than taking a ton of pills. Also (and I don’t know if it’s true, but they told us to say so when we were selling the stuff) taking b12 in liquid form supposedly helps it absorb faster. Food for thought.

  247. My 28 year old daughter has suffered from migraines for many years. Turns out some of the migraines weren’t…they were signs of epilepsy. She was just diagnosed a month ago after suffering some seizures that could not longer mask themselves as migraines. She has an 8 month old baby, had some severe postpartum depression and the meds that are supposed to control her seizures (they are working about half of the time) are causing anxiety, nightmares & more depression. Neuro is changing her meds, but side effects are a laundry list on this RX as well. I live several hundred miles from my daughter and often feel helpless. I wake up a bit panicked and go to bed every night falling asleep mid prayer. I will add you to my prayer list (don’t know your faith/religion/personal spirituality, but in my book, it doesn’t matter). The mind and body is such a puzzling thing. Thanks for sharing your story with us and allowing me to blurt out mine. Congratulations on your remission!!!

  251. You give me hope. Especially considering I have OCD, Depression, Anxiety and Fibromyalgia. It’s not anything close to RA by a long shot, but still . . . makes me think that someone out there understands me a little.

  253. Migraines were my demons… 10 years of unrelenting pain and all the associated side effects such as nausea, light sensitivity, and super sensitivity to odors (my husband joked that I could be a sniffer dog for the DEA if I was okay with being paid in kibble). I tried everything – massage, bio feedback, acupuncture, diet, various meds, botox, etc. Nothing stopped the pain (although of all the therapies, biofeedback certainly helped me cope the best) and I felt useless against it.
    During a routine MRI on my brain to try to find something to explain the migraines, a tech noticed a bone spur in my nose. Turns out that little spur was aggravating a nerve in my face and causing the migraines. One surgery and one year for the nerve to recover and I was free from the debilitating pain. All of a sudden, my life was handed back to me and it was a miracle. I will never, never stop being grateful to my doctors, to the tech, to my surgeon, and to my family. It has been six years since the surgery and I still flinch at bright light and perfume, but I am living a whole life filled with family, work, stress, and joy.
    Remission is fantastic, awesome, and amazing. Enjoy your miracle and continue to embrace your whole life.
    To those still waiting for their break from pain, mental illness, or otherwise, please know that miracles are possible, they are real, and they do happen. Hang on to hope and never stop searching for a solution.

  254. Yay remission! So glad you’re feeling better and have a light at the end of the tunnel (even if it’s small, dim)!

  256. Every time I read one of your posts like this, one that is not designed to make us pee our pants with laughter (or just because we were going to anyway), I sit back and take a deep breath. You realize, and share, a truth that many, if not most, of us need to be reminded of. You remind us that we are ALL worth it. Worth the effort to get out of bed another day, to remember that life WILL get better, that we won’t always feel lost and overwhelmed with the seeming pointlessness of EVERYTHING. Everyone has a battle. Everyone has demons. Thank you for reminding us that we are not alone and that ALL SHALL BE WELL. <3

  257. I need to say thank you! Thank you for helping a mom who doesn’t suffer from anxiety or depression understand her daughter who does and isn’t able to express it. I feel so much more empowered knowing how it feels and what it does then I did before! No one has ever been able to explain to me exactly how this works and how it feels like you have. I so appreciate the insight. I take everything and hold it close knowing it’s information I need!

    Thank you also for allowing us to follow you on your journey. It’s easy to be funny and witty, it’s hard to be truthful and personal. To be damaged for everyone to see. You my friend are my hero for this. I honestly can’t thank you enough!

  259. Every day (okay nearly every day) I read what you’ve written…often you make me laugh, sometimes you make me cry, but every day you give me hope and the feeling that I’m not alone.

    Thank you!

  261. I’m sorry for what you’ve gone through! When I saw your post I thought to myself “wow, I’m not the only one”. I have a neck injury from a car accident (13 years ago) and am having my 2nd procedure done in 4 months, tomorrow, the first being an injection that did not even touch the pain. The injury has caused many issues including cervical spondylosis, and arthritis in my spine and right hand. No one but my immediate family and a close friend know because I don’t want to be a burden to anyone or be treated differently. I am so blessed that I have run a successful business from home for 12 years and continue to be able to work from home but it definitely keeps me from sharing my story with people ‘in real life’ and potentially getting support from other so reading stories like your’s help me feel a little less alone. I am praying that the procedure tomorrow will help significantly and I hope that you continue to get the relief you need!

  262. Even with medication, I have a mental illness and my vanity wants to deny that truth. But it is my truth. Thanks for reminding me that I am not alone with my depression. That others share my story and my pain and my recovery and my relapses. And my GRATITUDE!!! And with gratitude comes HOPE! There has to be HOPE!!! You tell it like it is, and that is why I keep coming back….

  263. God bless you, Jenny. I am also waiting for “remission” from mental illness to be possible. Thanks for sharing your story, even (or maybe especially) when it is not cat-related 🙂

  264. Sending you hugs and hearts, and happy dances that you have heard the word “remission.” And thanking you for daring to be vulnerable and share with us the heavy stuff of life, as well as the things that can be seen through a lens of humor. Depression Lies is such a powerful thing to cling to when that demon is doing its best.

  265. As a fellow sufferer of anxiety, depression and… oh how much fun is it to have… fibromyalgia I applaud today’s post! Remission is indeed one of the most beautiful words in the world. I’m glad the sunshine is sparkling in your life today 🙂

  266. Incredible description of depression and anxiety. As a fellow-sufferer it’s kind of validating to hear this description that is so like what I experience. Thanks!

  268. remission: prescription to “re-mission” your kick-ass life! you are awesome, jenny lawson!

  269. so very, very happy for you. congratulations. yay! yaaaaaaaaaaaaay! yay for being better! yay for knowing you can get better! and yay for being strong enough to share this so other people can have hope that they can get better too!

  270. Thanks for writing. You probably didn’t know when you wrote this that you would help someone else with anxiety issues feel a little more “normal” today. Now you do:)

  271. Remission rocks! As does cat-focused ridiculousness. I love both, as they keep me breathing through the grey that comes out of nowhere, and threatens to drag me off. Rock on…

  272. My RA diagnosis came in January 2001; remission in 2004/2005. My OCD/Bipolar II diagnosis came in November 2006.

    I treasure every day that I wake up and can walk across the floor without crying. I treasure every day that I’m not hallucinating and have the ability to come out of the bedroom & be productive.

    I’m very happy for you!

  274. This made me go all goose bumply, just in time for Halloween. Remission is a lovely word. Good on ya!

  277. I’m sitting here, nearly in tears. I don’t have RA, but I have Anxiety Disorder/Depression/B12 deficency/D deficency. The pills and shots and more pills are rough, but they’re what get me through the day. I quit taking the shots, mostly because they weren’t affecting my blood tests at all, like the B12 goes in, but it goes *POOF* and there are no traces of it anywhere.

    Anyhow, thank you. Thank you for being so relatable. Thank you for being brave. When so many people in the world think that Mental Illness is a joke or something that people can control, I feel like you’re the voice I hear when my brain is saying “those people are wrong – it’s not your fault and you CAN’T control this” Your voice is my truth when depression lies to me, Jenny.

    I’m not sure you’ll ever read this comment since you get so many, but please know that I’ve followed you for a while and you’ve made me laugh so hard that sometimes I snort and pee a little, but you’ve also touched me because you get it.

  278. So glad to hear you these words! Here’s hope that it continues and a thank you for the information on b12. This is definitely something I need to look into. Keep feeling better!

  280. Yay for modern medicine! It doesn’t always deliver as promised, but when it does… hallelujah! I am so glad your pain is down to a 2 and your depression/OCD/anxiety is down, too. My husband has RA (actually, psoriatic arthritis, but the two are pretty much the same except he gets to have a skin disorder, too) and Enbrel has kept him out of a wheelchair and not fully disabled. I am a lifer on antidepressants. We are all glad for modern meds!

  281. As a patient with a 15 med regimen and almost 20 years of steroid weight flux and moon face who happens to be stuck in super suckville for the past several months, I am giddy for you. (I may not look giddy because I’m in some serious pain and I think my liver might be revolting – revolting, like rebelling not like disgusting…actually, both work.) I’m surprised by the emotional reaction I had when I saw the word remission. I’m stuck in bed reading this and the tears are flowing because I totally get it. The road to remission is a bitch. You made it! I hope to join you soon. Honestly, I’d be happy with just regular suckville but remission would be amazing!

  282. This is just what I needed to read this morning! I’m experiencing pain so excruciating these days that I finally relented and made an appointment with my doctor. I hope she can get to the bottom of it without saying the words ‘colonoscopy’ or ‘mammogram’. If she can just focus on my right arm I’ll have considered the appointment a success!

  283. Great news! Thank you for sharing. I love the quote ‘depression lies’. I keep reminding myself of this on the darker days.

  287. I love how you are able to look at the positive and not just the negative of your situation. Your strength through adversity and your ability to HOPE is what makes you such an inspiration for others.

    Thanks for being you, Jenny. 🙂

  288. “you is kind, you is smart, you is important”, you is in remission, b**ch! <3
    and tomorrow is always a fresh shiny start…
    you are loved – thank you for reminding us we are too!

  289. Hi. I’ve had a neurological disorder for most of my life that makes me be in-and-out of beds and chairs, and one of my biggest struggles is feeling like a burden on my family, especially my husband. I don’t have the pain of rheumatoid arthritis, but depression, anxiety, and minor OCD have all been house guests in my head. We’re all fine here, now, (how are you?) BUT ANYWAY

    One of my favorite authors once said that when deciding what to do with her life, she figured there were two main ways to help people- be the doctor that saves the patients’ body, or be the writer that saves their sanity. Be ER surgeon, or write the book that makes family laugh while in the waiting room. In case no one has ever told you- you’re the second one. I read your bear-head post out loud to my husband, and we died laughing. It turned “I’m stuck in bed again being the worst” into “Look at us being all cozy and laughing in bed, reading about bear-heads!” Um, or something. You know.

  290. Oh Jenny, your words just made me cry – thank you for being you, and honest, and REAL, and so funny and smart. I’m so glad you’ve found some relief and that you are willing to share your journey with us. here’s to great days ahead. thank you for you!

  294. I understand so well, I have chronic migraine and have tried every combination of drugs over many years with little success. They finally came up with a rescue drug that helped a lot but I had to take it about 5 times a week which was NOT good. Then they announced the FDA approved BOTOX for the treatment of chronic migraine. I thought, I’ll give it a go, I have nothing to lose. The first two treatments didn’t do anything and I decided one more time and then thats it. Well, the third time was a charm and I am so thankful I don’t have to take so many pills. The shots really suck but I can go through that to get what I have today. I almost feel like a normal person, I think, because I really don’t know what normal is. I kept looking for the right treatment that would work for me and am so glad I didn’t give up, wanted to many many times, but I didn’t.

  295. Remission is a beautiful word and I’m always afraid to use it.

    Most people seem to associate the word remission with cancer and so I dare not use the term because I *only* have a vitamin deficiency, and I fear that saying I’m in remission will make people think I am making a bigger deal out of my problem than it actually is. Of course it *is* a big deal to me.

    Also I’m afraid to say it because it never really seems to last. 🙁

  296. Congratulations! REMISSION IS a fantastic word. I wish you all the good health in the world. I hope you are doing well and whenever depression lies remember we’re all here with you.

  299. Yay Jennie! I have a friend who got his life back after starting one of the injection drugs (Enbrel) for Rheumatoid arthritis. His toes would fracture when he walked. It was awful for him. Now he’s doing bicycle races again!

  300. I too was diagnosed with the same “MENTAL” condition a couple years ago. I love how you say you have that SPACE left for gratitude. Because I don’t know how else to describe it and that is perfect. Its that space that we cling to when we are at the depths. My therapist actually asked if she could steal my explanation to her and use it at a conference..I told her hell yeah..I call it being stuck in a roundabout (or a rotory if your English) I keep going around and around..I can see the exit but I can’t get out…So I just keep driving until the meds kick in and I can get out of roundabout at the next exit. Thank you for sharing your stories with us. We know your humor comes from fighting to see the fun stuff.
    thank you
    Karin

  302. That’s truly awesome Jenny. Thank you for sharing that! I appreciate your personal posts as much as the funny ones.

  306. Believe me, WE NEED -not needed, but now, and … now, and into the future – NEED to read this.
    This is giving hope to many other sufferers that there will be help for them too.
    As one of Albert Payson Terhune’s characters remarked, holding a branch that was keeping him from being swept away in a flooded river, “Heroism consists of holding on one minute longer.” You’re inspiring people to hold on that extra minute. And this one. And the next one. Thank you.

    I am really glad things are improving so much. The bone re-growth is nigh miraculous, and thrills me considerably.

  307. You are beautiful and you inspire me. I hope that eventually all of our mental illnesses will be able to be in remission. I celebrate the remission you have now because I am trying to become in remission from chronic pain too. I hope, sometimes it falters, but I still hope. And my family and friends try to remind me of the hope when it falters. Depression does lie. And all of us that battle mental illness must remember that and sometimes be reminded.

  308. Congratulations!! Remission is a beautiful word!

    Not sure if you have heard of a new product that my endocrinologist is now recommending to her patients. It is called Plexus. There are fabulous testimonials on how it helps people with arthritis, nerve damage, joint pain, anxiety, depression, diabetes, thyroid disorders, fibromyalgia, weight loss, etc. It has changed my life! So much so… I became an ambassador!

    Not a sales pitch… but you can read more about it here… http://www.sassypinkdrink! It is the proverbial “drinking the koolaid” and becoming a believer!

  309. My husband has RA. Not a fun experience! He gets infusions every six weeks and it helps, plus the narcotic patch on his arm is helping. I have the depression. Not a fun experience either! We are making it day by day, which is all we can do, right? I love your blogs. Laughter is the BEST medicine there is.

  310. Awesome news about the RA!!!! I have it too – so I am so happy for you!!!! The Cloud like to hang out with me too and I will pray that the B12 gives you some relief. No one should spend their life running from The Cloud.

  312. I was just thinking the other day that your hair looked really good! Seriously, glad the meds are working for your RA. I have a friend with RA that also takes injections, a different med, but same premise, and it works for her as well. I’d like to know what you take to make the b-12 work better, because I take b-12 injections and they are not working worth a damn. Email me if you wish. Thx!

  314. Jenny,

    I love seeing how many lives you touch through your humour and your sincerity, openness, and honesty.

    I am lucky that I don’t deal with any medical problems (though, as a hypochondriac, I’m constantly dying of something) and I can’t imagine having all that on top of dealing with OCD, depression, and anxiety.

    I find solace here when I too am spiraling into depression, into anxiety, and feeling so alone.

    Thank you for sharing your soul.

  315. I have been to the same desert you describe, a wasteland between life and death. I have pitched my tent there and waited for salvation. Many loving people sat with me when my body gave out or encouraged me when my anxiety got so bad I couldn’t leave my house. There are people I cherish for their unflagging support when my own will was not strong enough to get me out of bed.

    I am so happy that you are getting some relief. When you express it, you send your hope out into the world where strangers like me hear you and are lifted because of that. A very dear friends once told me, “You wouldn’t have chosen this but since it’s happened, you might as well get something out of it.” Right after I punched him in the throat, I thanked him for saying something so true.

    Sincerely
    Kathy

  316. Great news! Just an FYi, I also was dx’d with a b-12 deficiency due to MTHFR mutations – all the B-12 in the world wasn’t helping much because my body cannot process (methylate) the B-12 into the form my brain can use (b-12 in food and vitamins goes through three transformations to work in the brain). My doc put me on the methylated form that the brain uses (methylcobalamin) and Presto! It works! It’s OTC and cheap – I use Source Naturals, a high quality brand and order it from Amazon. If you aren’t on that form, you may want to try it. Also, if you haven’t had your Vitamin D levels tested, low Vit D can contribute to depression as well – most of the North American population is Vit D deficient. Most people need 4000 -5000 units of Vitamin D3 daily. I use Nature Made Vit D3, 5000 units a day, brought my levels up to normal. Best of luck!

  317. This is a beautiful post, and so are you. Beautiful, that is. You’re not really a post. Because you’re a beautiful person instead!
    Your writing has helped me more than I can express. Thanks for being so amazing, despite all the medical stuff. Thanks for being strong, and determined, and teaching us all that depression lies, because you are so right. This post is magical and amazing, and wonderful!

    YAY for remission!!!!!!!

  318. I started taking B12 supplements about a month ago due to a deficiency that they found because I had this weird tingling sensation in my leg. I recently started experimenting with my antidepressants because my sleep doctor thought that maybe that was what was affecting my inability to sleep. I don’t think it was, but I was feeling great so I kept going. I never made the connection that a B12 deficiency could be affecting my brain/depression. Thanks for pointing out that connection – maybe I can keep my meds reduced and start to feel “normal” again. I was surprised by how medicated I had felt once I stopped taking the full dose. Life feels a little bit real again and I feel a little bit more “me” again.

  321. Remission! Remission! Thank you for being a light in the darkness for others and may you always have your own.

  327. Oh sweet pea I’m so happy for you. You’re still the most normal person Out there .

  328. Not sure I can describe the happiness I feel when I click on your link in blog list, and find that you’ve written again. Not just because your wittiness and lovely satire are entities I really relate to (which they are), but because I have come to care for your existence. I have battled depression and an anxiety disorder for years as well… battled my mother for not understanding that I couldn’t “just be happy”, battled my doctor because he didn’t think i needed Ativan for those mornings when I can’t breathe, and most of all battled myself.
    Recently I had what they thought was Lyme disease. Turns out it was B19 Parvo, and now have arthritis issues that have cut my life down so much. Infectious disease doc referred me to a rheumotologist, and I’m afraid I’m going in the RA direction. And the pain fuels the depression and anxiety- I can’t continue training for a 5K (something I had started before I got sick), my 4-year old can’t sit on my lap without it hurting, and I look like a woman of 70 trying to stand up from the couch.
    Your post today makes me think it’s not all downhill from here. There is hope. Luv.

  329. You make me laugh like no one has in a long time, serious, guttural, hilarity! And for that I thank you…regardless of all that you are going through (and we all have our demons) you have found a positive, healthy outlet and provided one to many! Keep it up!

  330. Thank you.

    Thank you for your honesty, and your funny. Thank you for going what you did to be able to publish a book that brought me here to see that “normal” really does need a question mark behind it. I have depression, anxiety, and ptsd. I know the never ending demon of depression all to well and without insurance meds aren’t possible. My wish in life is to be able to wake up just one day at a time not needing to worry how bad will today be. I am dealing with an ortho problem now where the doc has said just learn to live with it. I go back on Friday and I’m going to tell him that he needs to send me to someone else who can fix it I hope. I have enough to deal with thank you very much.

    That is a wonderful picture of you.

  331. You are worth it. We are all worth it. I’m glad you’re taking care of yourself. Hugs. And congratulations on the RI remission report! That’s huge news.

  332. Hey Jenny…You probably do not hear this often enough…but Thank You. I love your wacko-nerdiness…but honestly…your message of personal struggle and pain are impotant to me. I often have to stop and put the monsters back in a closet. Your messages show i am not alone. Misery loves company…but company rarely reciprocates!

  334. I was diagnosed at age 14 with Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis. I lived for 20+ years with it, through joint replacement surgeries, and teenage years of weight issues, and crying jags just wishing my hands would stop hurting, until that one amazing day my Rheumatologist uttered the most beautiful words I had ever heard … “remission”.

    Today I am crying happy tears for you. Enjoy the absence, the space. Take a deep breath and realize it is real, this is happening.

  335. Thank you for writing this. I spent years pretending that my anxiety/depression was no big deal (notwithstanding the panic attacks, 3-year eating disorder, mild OCD behavior, and various other fun issues that hurt me and the people around me). Then I spent years in therapy, with on-and-off forays into medication, but nothing ever seemed to make anything better and I feared that life would only get worse.

    Two months ago, I became, for the first time, honest-to-god suicidal. Thankfully, I had the sense to take myself to a crisis center. That led me to try medication again. Two weeks ago, I started taking something new. It’s only just starting to take effect, but I feel, for the first time in years, like I can manage the screaming anxiety/depression demons instead of being crippled by them.

    Two nights ago, I was lying in bed, reading your book, and laughing to the point of tears. It’s been a long time since I felt that relaxed and happy. So, yeah — thank you.

  336. Yesterday I slipped up in my recovery from self harm. One year, seven months of fighting and I messed up.
    Today I need a hug.

    This was like an internet hug and I needed that more than anything. Thank you.

  337. So wonderful! I made my husband read your description of RA in your book. You put in better words than I’ve been able to what this disease can do, the fears and the pain. Thanks for that. Happy for you indeed.

  338. I actually really love that you wrote this. It’s so easy to get lost in the pain, fatigue, and mental instability my fibromyalgia and migraines cause, and reminding myself that in many ways I’m in better shape than I have been in the past is good for the soul. We are not our pain, our fatigue, or our mental instability – they are part of us, but not the entirety of us, and there’s lots more about us that is amazing.
    P.S. I’m so glad for you that you have such great doctors and treatments that work for you! Blessings.

  341. Hurray for remission and hurray for you!

    And thank you for the reminder that things can change and get better. It’s good to hear.

  343. I suspect you were on prednisone for the r.a. My daughter has Crohns and was on an 8 week round of pred. She puffed up like a puffer fish but that is one amazing drug. It pushed her into remission quickly and allowed her to get back to the new normal that Crohn’s creates. She and I love your stories and your insanely frank way of putting things. Finding the funny is a pretty big gift and we love that you do it for so many people. 🙂

  344. I am always floored by your ability to rise above and to be honest about your shit!

    Thanks for being there and reminding us that the dark moments aren’t the real life!

    T

  346. Remission is indeed a lovely word. May you always have remission and may it’s cousin the cure show up soon.

    I woke up after a crappy night’s sleep and this is one of the first things I read this morning. As I read through the comments and feeling all the love and good vibes, my morning got better and better. Hope reading the comments does the same for you and everyone. Thank you for writing about this.

  347. Very happy you are seeing results and experiencing less pain. I am glad you have hope. You are an imperfectly perfect and gentle soul. Countless numbers of us appreciate your words and your sincerity.

    I have lost my hope. My family has all but abandoned my child and I. Child’s father left before child was born. I am unemployed and struggling. Not sure where rent will come from. Living in my car with our cats is likely our next step. Why the heck am I even writing this, other than I just want to “talk.”
    I feel like a terrible failure as a mother and human.

    (You are far from a failure. I know who you are – IP addresses are like private detectives – and you are an amazing person with a great book. You are wonderful and amazing. I’m sending you something in email. ~ Jenny)

  349. I’m still waiting on a drug that works. I’ve been unable to walk more than a few minutes since January of last year. I have no insurance so no wheelchairs for me, I just stay in bed, or shop at stores that have mobility devices so I can get things done. Have a rolling chair in my kitchen so I can cook when I am up to it. I started on injections last month, and they are supposed to help me walk again, after 4 months. I really hope so, though I see the effects of the shot less and less every injection. At least the pain in my hands and arms is less, supposedly from taking Vitamin d (which I am sorely deficient of), so I can needle felt to my hearts desire.

  350. What a joyous event. I am beyond thrilled for you. Because of you, I am dipping my toe into the blog waters. I’ll be launching mine in the next day or two. You inspire me to tell my story because I’m worth it. When I was so ill and depressed I couldn’t leave my house, you were there on my computer screen to make me remember that depression lies and to keep looking for an answer for the pain. Thank you.

  351. @Cheril I came down to the bottom of the list to send hugs to Jenny, and now I’m going to send them to you as well. Take it one step at a time, friend. The journey is worth it — and we’re with you, so you can come here when you need reminders. Depression lies. You are loveable and huggable.

    OK now I’m leaking. Drat those leaky faucets I call tearducts.

    @Jenny – congratulations & hugs to you. And thanks for your webspace.

  353. There is nothing more in this world that I needed to hear this very moment than what you wrote I’m 20 and dealing with depression anxiety disorder and an unknown autoimmune disease. I have the same pain you discribe but we have ruled it out. Everyday is the new hardest day of my life and seeing I’m not alone makes a world of difference. Thank you for bringing my hope back 🙂 my goal is to walk downtthe isle when I get married in April next year. Wish me luck!

  354. That was supposed to be a heart. Dumb phone. I love this post and I am happy for you!

  355. I too suffer from RA what is it that your doctor is giving you? I am so very glad that you have gotten help with your RA. I currently take methotrexate (oral) but I know that it isn’t going to work for much longer.

  357. You didn’t need to write this, you HAD to write it.. for everyone else out there who has to deal with this stuff… for some people I believe you are the light at the end of the tunnel 🙂

  358. Thank you for sharing hope. I have this illness rather than RA (I’m not affiliated with the movie aside from throwing a little at their kickstarter campaign, but it’s worth sharing), but I can relate to so much of what you said. I have been essentially bed ridden for more than two years now (I can now get to the bathroom on my own and ride short distances in a wheelchair, but am horizontal the rest of the time). It is so hard sometimes to feel like there is hope left, and that things could be different around the corner….That my husband could get back the woman he married, and I could get back the pieces of my life that I’ve lost.

    Congratulations on your improvements. And thank you for sharing the hope around.

  359. Damn, you’re beautiful. I’m really starting to resent Victor. Please keep being better.

  360. Oh Jenny, I’m so glad for you! Remission!!!

    I struggle with fibromyalgia (the fatigue is with me all the time; the pain comes and goes), depression, and anxiety. I’ve been in therapy for most of the last 29 years. I’ve been on meds since ’93, changing them from time to time, trying to find something that will work all the time. Even with all these meds, I continue to struggle constantly. I used to have oases of happy times, but it’s been years since that. I remind myself that it could be worse, but the constant struggle to function (because I am single and have to pay my bills and all) wears me out. I cling to the hope that someday fibro will be curable or able to be treated so the symptoms don’t occur, and that my anxiety and depression will fade, via drugs or anything else. Hope gets me by, along with the support of my friends both locally and in the blogosphere.

    Sending hope to everyone else!

  361. What Joyce said. My personal demons were massively exacerbated by an undiagnosed severe B12 (methylcobalamine) deficiency due to my inability to process it in food, along with a D3 deficiency and some hormone issues. Once I found a doctor who had the sense to give me some blood tests, then took the shots and the supplements (along with some talk-therapy support), I recovered…I still take the nutrients to make sure that never happens again.

    But Jenny, don’t make yourself more miserable by adopting the labels OCD, anxiety disorder, and depression. You’re not abnormal and you’re not a label –even though your emotional suffering is real as rain. I hope you’ll read Robert Whitaker’s book “Anatomy of an Epidemic” for perspective. And that your RA remission is permanent!

  363. You know who healed you? El Ropo. Do you know how? *magic* Thank you El Ropo!!!!!

  364. You’re awesome Jenny, not in some offhand throwaway phrase way; like Doctor Who is awesome, or wine is awesome, but really awesome, like Grand Canyon, Great Wall, or finding love and meaning in life awesome.
    I have little else to add, other than if you have faced all those difficulties, are finding acceptance, recovery, and a sense of equilibrium, then surely there is hope for those of us that think we’re doing it tough, but not nearly as tough as you. That’s what awesome really means. I love that you keep your blog up, tell us about some of the random stuff going on, then now and again remind us that life aint a bowl of cherries, but that it’s still worth it.
    Love your work.

  366. I don’t know if you will see this, but I am at the other end of this spectrum of remission, with my tests coming in next week to know once and for all if it’s arthritis, although my doctors were pretty sure already; I didn’t actually go in until a rheumatoid nodule had formed. I’m only 26, so I’m a bit worried about what the future may hold. Do you mind my asking how old you were when you were diagnosed? I’m just a bit nervous over here 🙂

  367. i only hope that my ra goes into remission within two years. i was just diagnosed within the last month and so far nothing except huge chunks of steroids has helped at all (i’m no longer taking steroids). you’re a furiously awesome example of how to keep living.

  368. I’m so happy for you.

    I’ve had severe body pain for many years–and I’ve had depression. I have taken different anti-depressants for over 25 years, and have been tested for rheumatoid arthritis several times–always found to be negative.
    It wasn’t until about 4 years ago that i saw a new doctor because I tried to go off my meds–and she put me on Cymbalta–that i discovered that the body pain–sometimes so bad I would not be able to get out of bed–was related to the depression. One of the possible side benefits of Cymbalta is supposed to be that it helps with pain.

    For me that was true–I seriously thought i was losing my mind because i had been tested and tested and no doctor ever mentioned that the pain might be connected to the depression.

    I am so glad you’ve found something to help you. It is a miracle what they have been able to do–and new things are discovered every day.

  369. SO glad you have found things that help so that you have your space to enjoy and have hope. So very very glad Jenny!

    It’s good news for us internet strangers too. We like hearing this.

  370. Jenny,

    Thank you for always having the bravery to write about the tough things when you can’t find the humor to write about the funny ones. You’re so good at putting into words what so many people experience.

    Thank you again for your comment on my Facebook page today. It touched me deeply.

    And like I said … those of us who love you always have your back.

  371. This made me tear up. For at least 16 years I have known I had depression. I had good days and I had bad days; mostly though I had bad days. Two years ago, I suffered a massive blow to my psyche when I had my third failed pregnancy that ended in an abortion (the fetus was viable; but it was an ectopic pregnancy). As part of the operation I was told that they would have to remove one of my fallopian tubes. After much deliberation and discussion with my doctor and the surgeon and about 5 billion forms; I had both of my fallopian tubes removed. I had it confirmed that day that I had stage four endometriosis.

    I thought I was handling all of this well; until my best friend sat me down in her living room with a bottle of whiskey and told me to cry and to let it all out. She knew how much I had been holding inside and just “ignoring” all of the pain. I ended up telling her my entire life story, along with all of the things I felt were “wrong” with me. She held me close and rocked me like I was a small child. She helped clean me up (my makeup by this point was just streaks and smears all over my face) and told me that seeking help and looking into medications and therapy was not losing but winning.

    It wasn’t for another year that I took her advise seriously. She emailed me shortly after I had had a nervous breakdown, that led to my agoraphobia coming back in full force causing me to fail an entire semester at college. In the email was a link to one of your posts where you spoke openly and unabashedly about your trials, tribulations and struggles with mental illness. I ugly girl cried for hours, in the fetal position, then I left my bedroom for the first time in days and told my dad “I think I have depression, and I need to talk to a doctor.” My father hugged me tightly, and told me he would make sure I called my clinic first thing in the morning.

    He did, and I did. It’s been a small battle finding a medication that works best for me, but my physician is amazing and I think we’ve found something that does the best job. I also see a therapist once a week. As part of discussing my symptoms with a doctor, I also discovered that I am incredibly Vitamin D deficient and now I take a weekly supplement. My world is so full of colors now, I rarely see life in shades of grey and black. I finally feel like I *am* worth it.

  372. JOY! What a wonderful thing for you to hear. For what it’s worth, my doc is sure that they will be able to test our serotonin, etc., levels in the next few years and CUSTOMIZE the treatment for depression and anxiety. Here’s hoping!
    Tina

  373. I am so grateful for your open dialog about this.

    It makes me who relates so much feel so much less alone.
    And I now use the line “depression lies” a bit to myself when I am having a rough day/week/month.

    xoxo

  374. Congratulations on the RA remission! I hope they find one for the head stuff, too.

    In the meantime: <3

  376. That’s amazing! Congratulations!

    Taking 14 bills of b12 over antidepressants sounds awesome to me. Let me know how it goes-I am on the lookout for alternative treatments to depression!

  377. I suffer from RA, or maybe not as my doctor informed me on the last visit since I am not a typical, by the book patient who isn’t following the RA rules, and I could only dream to be in remission. I am so happy to hear that you found medications that work. I am wishing for meds that work or ones that work but don’t cause awful, horrific side effects that usually don’t affect most people but they always affect me! On weekly shots that aren’t really working and am running out of options and hope. So glad that you are on the right track and all your recent ailments are coming up negative or fixable. Thanks for your uncanny way of making me laugh and giving me that slight sliver of hope!

  378. Jenny I am SO happy for you!!! I can’t tell you how much your book and blog have helped me. When I go into my own dark places, I remind myself that I a not alone, and it will pass. You have brought together such a beautiful community of people, and for the first time ever in my life, I feel like there are others out there that get it. Being different is beautiful. You are an amazing lady! Thank you!!!! *hugs*

  383. Complete and totally happiness for RA remission – I wish we could have remission for depression. But I must thank you – I used your own words yesterday when my mind was telling me something devastating that wasn’t true – I reminded myself that depression lies. Thank you for that. NO counselor I’ve ever seen has told me to tell myself that, and its works. Thank you.

  384. RA is often mistaken as an “old-person diseases,” but it’s not. It affects a wide range of people, and it’s a disease that we could all try to understand a little better, because who knows, it just might effect us one day. Anyway, thanks for sharing this.

  386. I was diagnosed a little over a year ago with R.A. too (and am about the same age as you), I know your pain. I never thought I would receive bi-monthly injections to keep me moving, but Humira is a God send. I am even back to running daily. It is nice to find you found something too. Horrible disease. 🙁

  387. Thank you, Jenny, for writing it. I can’t tell you the amount of times I’ve had a down day, a dark day, a day that never seems to end and I turn to your blog. Reading anything you have to offer makes my terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day better. I’m currently going through a rough pregnancy that has many of the same horror stories you’ve experienced and I know I can get through it because you did. I LOVE reading your silly, cat-focused ridiculousness and that is saying something as I’m a dog person and all cats hate me (and my allergies)!

  388. i have significant joint pain and anxiety issues also,,,each day is a new day, ive had highs and lows,,i enjoy reading your blog jen and cheering you on…i read something this week that helped on a bad week for me…it was WIL talking about how its ok to have a bad mraaaaah day …love both of you guys, he loves you too

  391. Fuck me, my right now is your two years ago. Congrats on remission and gratitude, I can’t wait to be there.

  392. Jenny,
    OMG, can I relate! I am SO HAPPY for you and your family that your RA is in remission. That’s just the BOMB! But, as a faithful follower, I agree that we all have to wait for “the other” cure to come. I struggle every day and some days it just seems too hard. But, I play with my meds, do my exercise, and wait. In the meantime, everyone turns and looks the other way; no one wants to see the face of mental illness. It’s too scary. So, we wait.

  394. Wow, I’m so impressed by your courage in the face of RA and I am thrilled that it is in remission. with best wishes, Julia

  396. Thank you for all your courage and honesty and humor. You get me through many a hard day. May all your problems be in remission.

  398. I gave a dear friend of mine your book for her birthday on Saturday. I had to take it to her in the hospital, because she’s diabetic and pregnant with her second child, and things did not go well with her first (she’s two now, and lovely) so they’ve been keeping her locked up and monitored. I know she’s going to love you, because you’re both fiery and hilarious and honest, and you both are worth trying every option. She got to come home today and will continue her medical stuff as an outpatient. Every day, I will wish nothing but amazing things for you both.

  399. Well written and I am so glad for your remission. A person doesn’t value their good health until they no longer have it.

  400. Wow for a moment I thought you meant the cat had taken your photo, you’ve an impressive cat!
    Thanks for the amazing blogs that keep people laughing and hoping, you’re a star!

  401. I love the posts about the cat and the left field conversation paths etc. But THIS is among the posts that are epic and have the potential to change and save other people’s lives. You rock. That is all there is to it. You are amazing in so many ways. Thank you for these posts.

  404. I have faced pain and surgeries for seven years now. To hear someone else is coming through the other side with hope is a wonderful thing. Truly.

    Good luck with it all, praying for me you and everyone else who knows what it feels like to spend more time IN bed than OUT. For all of us who just want to run around with our kids, and not have them running to our bedside.

    x’s and o’s

  406. Jenny, I’m so fucking GLAD for this news!! I’m tearing up. Thank you for your way of seeing things, thank you for your passion and your truth and your sass, and thank you for sharing it. I’m just so happy your body is starting to cooperate. I hope it makes everything easier. I love you X

  407. Jenny, you rock! So glad for you. I see you are a keynote speaker at some women’s conference here in Austin. Very pricey tickets but hoping there will be a video link here after.

  412. Thank you. I hope to find that place soon. I feel like I have been in “fight or flight” mode for so long that I have forgotten how to rest. It would be nice to be able to trust the world enough to really be a part of it again.

  415. I don’t know if you will read this, but I must say it. You writing about depression is how I found your blog. It is also why i got back on meds and therapy. This year I ‘announced’ on facebook I suffer from depression (no more hiding) and to my great surprise I have had nothing but wonderful responses

    we need to share, to tell our stories because a. We arent alone and b. It should be a secret or something to be ashamed of. This is who I am and I work on it every day. PLS continue to be you.

  416. Remission is the sweetest word I’ve ever heard. Ever since I got papers listing up a couple of my diagnoses and the words “In full remission”.

    THAT was a great moment.

  418. I feel so shitty and scared lately. It was really nice to read ‘remission’ in your post today. I’m very glad for you.

  419. I love you, Jenny.

    I’m managing my depression, and surviving my fatigue and migraine and pain. I find hope where I can. You, and our community, help me find hope.

    Thank you, all of you.

  420. Thank you so much for posting this! I have been battling depression and anxiety for 12 years, I keep a folder of bookmarks for when I’m feeling low and this post is the newest addition. I have to keep reminding myself that there are good points in life too. Remission is a fabulous word and I am so happy that it is one that gives you and many others hope! Thank you so much for talking about the good and the bad (especially the bad) because even on my lowest days you can make me smile. It is so nice to see all the others who open up and feel the same way. I never feel alone when I read the comments on your posts.

  421. I have hope for my daughters after reading…long journey….almost there….

  422. Yay, Jenny! Just… *Elmo yay!* (yayest yay I know). I don’t know you and what do I care if a stranger gets better, right? But I’ve been reading this blog long enough to have come to care about you and your causes, even the ones I have absolutely no experience with (like RA). That means that, to me, every one of your victories (whether it’s remission, a break from depression, funding for a good cause, a statue of Beyonce on an office desk or red dresses everywhere) makes the world a happier place.

  423. I am glad you wrote this. You are such an amazing person, and hearing good things from you, about you always brings a smile. I hope and pray that the b12 situation helps silence the demons, and keep a candle burning (or maybe a sparkler, sparklers are cool) in the darkness. I understand depression, and anxiety, though since I myself have gotten treatment I’ve not quite been as lost in darkness again myself, I understand them, and don’t want anyone to go through it. I am glad it’s no longer two years ago, and may the next two years be even more full of that beautiful, wonderful word, remission.

  424. Thank you. I genuinely love your funny posts but, it is posts like these that make me love your blog so much. Posts like these make me have faith that I can do this. I was diagnosed with depression last year, I’ve been struggling with it for years however, and I have decided for many reasons that I won’t medicate myself. It is hard sometimes but the fact that you can fight your demons makes me feel like I can too. Thank you.

  425. Your posts give me so much hope. Sometimes when I think about my life I want to cry. But your blog makes me laugh and makes me hope.

  426. Sometimes you have to share the pain as well as the silly and absurd. The funny is sooo much funnier knowing a little of the pain underneath. Laughing past illness usually beats the hell out of crying, but when you do cry do it in the shower, you won’t get such a headache. Remission is indeed a wonderful word. For me it is remission from Lupus. Thank you for all your hilarity

  427. Thank you for reminding us all there is hope. I had a bitch of a bad year and I am not the person I was at the beginning of it. Some days I wonder if I ever will be or care if I am again. It sucks. It makes me happy that someone is getting better. I love your blog and the laughs it gives me. I hope you truly understand how many of us look forward to reading your words and how much good you are putting out there.

  428. Just a couple hours ago I was baking myself in front of my fireplace, remembering when Victor bought you a sauna for your RA, and I was wondering how you’re feeling. I’m so glad to hear that you’re doing better, and that some of the damage is even being repaired, that’s terrific.

    And I’m with you in the anxiety/depression/OCD boat. Thanks for all of your work on shining a light on mental illness. Here’s hoping for remission from that, too.

  430. I just came from from a small Halloween party with “normal” moms and I had really bad social anxiety. I feel more normal in my own way after reading your post. Thank you, it helps, it really does. Keep sharing your struggles. I’m afraid they would think I was so weird and crazy if they knew.

    But you’re awesome and I have all of those things listed in your photo, too! People with mental illness rock. XOXO

  433. question for you – what type of injections? My mother suffers from this (RA) (and my Gma) and just wondering so I can have her try them. She is seeing a homeopathic but the pain is incredible for her and really need all the good advice we can get. Please let me know!

    (Simponi, once a month. ~ Jenny)

  434. You are such a marvelous writer, Jenny. I love everything, but this was more wonderful. Keep well. You lighten us all.

  435. I’m so glad things are getting better for you! I love reading your site and your openness with your struggles with health, anxiety, and depression (along with your incredible wit). Yesterday there was an excellent post on NPR about Allie Brosh and Donald Glover, and their current struggles with anxiety and/or depression. I think its so great to hear from people who are struggling right now. As one of my friends pointed out “Success stories give hope, but the hurting-right-now stories give a much-needed sense of not being alone in this.” http://www.npr.org/blogs/monkeysee/2013/10/29/241585887/present-tense-allie-brosh-donald-glover-and-hurting-right-now

  436. Thank you for your grace, honesty and humor. You are truly remarkable. I have health concerns, but nothing compared to what you’ve gone through. And you still make us laugh and realize we’re not alone. And where is Victor’s Halloween outfit? Did I miss it?

  437. Thank you for being so real. I live in that darkness and when it happens I feel so horrible for feeling it that I try to hurt myself, and that makes people angry. It’s a vicious cycle and I feel alone sometimes. You help. Thank you.

  441. Two weeks ago I could barely get out of bed or go to work. I was dragging myself up to take care of my kids. I had succumbed to a new thing, anxiety and possibly depression. For the first time in my 52 years I couldn’t just pick myself up and get myself back in the game. Two years ago I had an intact family and two healthy kids. Now I have neither. Finally I sought real help through counseling and meds. It turns out I’m one of the lucky few who gets results fast and I feel almost like myself again. I hadn’t really believed meds could help this much but thank god they do. I hope to pass through this period of my life and come out the other side off the meds and back to a good place for myself and my kids. Thank you jenny for making it ok to talk about this stuff here. And not in a self pitying way. In an empowering one.

  443. Congratulations on your remission! What great news! Thank you for sharing your story. Your blog is a long form random act of kindness.

  445. As always, you are an inspiration. I am sorry it’s so hard to be in your body sometimes, but please know how much you are appreciated.

  446. My depression is in remission. Thankfully I was able to remember it was a lying liar who lies long enough for me to get myself to the doctor (which was years but, bygones.) recently I thought it was back. It seemed like metastatic depression – like I thought it was gone but then it returned and was going to be the death of me. But it wasn’t. And it won’t be.

    Yay for remission!

  447. Oh Jenny, you brought tears to me. I too have struggled with depression and anxiety in my life. Currently an expensive pill is working great for the anxiety! The depression has just recently been creeping back in and I was just thinking I need to talk to the doc about it. Then I read your post and am reminded once again that I don’t fight alone. That others ‘get’ what I’m going thru, and that I can’t just fix myself. Thanks for sharing your personal struggles with us. This too shall pass!

  448. I want to thank you for being so open about your challenges with mental illness. I am currently struggling with these types of issues myself – I figured that if I got counseling and went on meds, I would be “cured”. I never realized that this thing is a rollercoaster and those downhill plunges can come without warning. Then, when the depression and anxiety hit, I feel guilty and ashamed that I’m not “normal” – which leads to even more depression and anxiety. While I always have that sane voice in my head that keeps telling me that this will pass, that I’m not the only one, and that there is nothing to be ashamed of – there is always that OTHER voice – the one that tells me I’m damaged, crazy, a coward, a horrible wife who doesn’t deserve to be happy – and that voice shouts so loudly, it makes me start to believe it. I’m trying to climb out of one of those pits now and it’s been rough — I get so tired of fighting every day. I’m glad to know that someone else has done it and it’s possible.

  449. Wonderful! I’m so glad you found something that works for your body. Thanks for sharing your good news!

    This is exactly the kind of outcomes doctors and scientists in drug development are hoping to provide.

    (Getting up on my soapbox) It frustrates me to no end when people bad-mouth the pharmaceutical industry and try to make people feel bad when they use medicines that they need to live. I don’t know why some think the people doing this work make tons of money (they rarely do unless they personally own a patent that becomes a huge seller). It can take over a decade of research on thousands of compounds to find just one that provides the desired outcome – not to mention costs billions of dollars. Pharmaceuticals companies have to prove the efficacy, purity, and safety of their compounds before they can be sold, while “natural” supplement makers do not have to do this (the good supplement makers do this testing). Anyone could literally dig up a plant, dry it, and sell it as a supplement without proving it is safe, effective, or even contains what they say it does. (stepping down)

  450. Remission is a beautiful word and state. It’s full of gratitude, as you said, and hope. I hope your remission lasts a long, long time.

  452. Yay for remission!
    Along with the cat focused ridiculousness may be you should lalso consider koalas and kangaroos in preparation for your trip to Australia (or Newstralia so you get a chance to visit hobbits as well in NZ)?

  454. God bless you, Jenny. Regardless of what you’ve faced, you continue to encourage all of us out there who also suffer with ailments that don’t define us. They’re just one sentence in a whole chapter of us. I suffer PTSD, anxiety and depression, and reading your words lifts me up. I bookmarked your original “Depression lies” post and refer to it in times of need, over and over again. ((HUGS))

  455. I’m on year 3 of not quite controlling my rheumatoid arthritis & I know exactly what you mean about ‘grateful filling the space where the pain was’. Sometimes (most times) it feels so lonely dealing with it all. Thanks for sharing the hope of remission. Good luck with the demons – they’re a bunch of bastards, but can you blame them for liking to hang out with you? You are highly entertaining & hilarious. They probably brag about you to all their demon friends. 🙂 love you!!

  458. Remission is a fabulous word, so pleased for you.

    I hope to find remission from my mental illness sometime too.

  460. Jenny, you are an inspiration. I am always moved when I read your blog. Whether it’s moved to laugh till I cry, or moved with the hope that if they can ‘fix’ you, maybe someday, they can ‘fix’ me. Sometimes it’s moved to feel grateful that I’m not the only one.

    Thank you. Your constant repetition of the phrase ‘Depression Lies’ is powerful in my life. When I am doing homework (yes, homework, at almost 40 years old, dammit) and that nasty little voice in the back of my head goes into it’s litany of how stupid I am, how there is no way I can finish what I have started, etc, etc, etc…. I read your blog and am reminded that that voice is Depression, and she lies.

    Thank you for being you, and for being amazing, and for sharing your stories with us. The funny ones, the geeky ones (love!), the OCD, manic, socially awkward ones, all of them. Thank you.

    You make a difference to me.

  461. Thanks for sharing it with us, beautiful person. Breathing a sigh of gratitude that you’re finding some treatments that work! Remission. Wow.

  462. Your news gives me hope with my RA diagnosis, and that I will be able to find something that works. Congratulations on your fantastic news! <3

  463. Yay! How wonderful it is to hear that! And what a big heart you have to share what you share with us all. I can’t imagine what you have been dealing with but to be able to speak it, share it, takes courage. We could all use more courage, myself included, in a huge way. Big hugs, and hope you continue to get better.

  464. Totally appreciate this post– love it anytime you are willing to talk about mental illness and remind everyone that “depression lies” and sometimes you have to wait it out until real life returns. So important for people to hear.

  465. This made me tear up. As a schizophrenic, I pray for a cure for my disease. It may sound silly, like the worst of my delusions, but it keeps my chin up through treatment.

  467. Yay remission!

    I was thinking about “depression lies” this evening. Then I realized that depression’s biggest lie is convincing you that you don’t need help because you’re still functional or you just need a good swift kick in the ass or you’ll get better in a couple weeks or whatever excuse the lying bastard comes up with. Similar to “The greatest trick the devil ever played was convincing the world that he did not exist,” as Charles Baudelaire (and Kevin Spacey) said.

  468. Congrats! That is some awesome news! You have a blog that is inspirational to so many of us out there that struggle daily (w/ a multitude of issues). Speaking from a place where almost 15 yrs later I have yet to be diagnosed & don’t really know why something in my body moves around like a ninja attacking body parts & systems regularly, I know the sorrow & overwhelming catastrophe of going to dr. after dr. getting so many false leads & diagnosises (is that a word) can put on a person. Leaving the Dr.’s office, so mad you are in tears, b/c they don’t get it, they are new to your case which with military medicine is each visit, or the mostest favorite “maybe you should talk to a therapist, b/c you aren’t handling me treating you like an idiot & not get upset about it”. After almost 20 surgeries, with multiple things removed (which are mysteriously diseased, but they cannot find out why), it gets depressing. I lost my Mother to suicide after she had spent the better part of her life in the same misery, it sucks & I wish I could have told her what you have taught me “depression lies & life is worth it”. So, I may not get to be a natural mother, I can adopt, and I may not ever get to be as active and mobile, but reading is my favorite thing anyways. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, you are a hero to me and SO many others out there.
    Gratefully,
    Heather Renae’

  469. Thank you. <3

    Two years ago, I was hospitalised because my mental health had deteriorated to the point of severe self harm and suicidality. One and a half years ago, I was in remission. Today I am extremely unwell. I'm going to be hospitalised during part of November (it's already arranged and being organised), but I have the memory of a year ago to hold to. Maybe it'll be enough to give me hope when I'm released. Still, I'm not where I was two years ago — I might be as suicidal, but I have fought hard to overcome self harm, and maybe I haven't always been perfect and done what I wanted to 'beat' it, but I've done a lot better than two years ago, and that's something.

  471. A friend of mine had Terrible RA and she found these supplements that completely changed her life. She was able to get off of all of her meds, etc. and has been virtually pain free for years. Just a suggestion. I just hate to hear how much pain you have been in and would love to offer any help possible. Check them out. http://touchstoneessentials.com Glad you are feeling better.. and we are so lucky that you use humor to help heal yourself.. what would we do without your humor??

  472. That’s amazing! You are always my favorite blog to read and it because of your messages like this. There is hope! You will get better and others will get better! Now, please post something ridiculous about your cats! xoxo

  473. So happy to hear of your remission! Does remission mean that your disease is remiss for not fucking with you more? I’m fascinated by etymology. My friend says that you should try MSM. I told her I would tell you. So I did.
    Do we still get a post about Victor’s costume?

  476. My sister introduced me to you about a year ago when she sent me the link to when you came home with Beyonce (knock-knock motherfucker had me in stitches!!), and I have been reading ever since. She got me your book for my birthday and I read it and re-read it in 2 days. You have become part of my routine, I read your blog while drinking my morning coffee. And I just have to say, you bring tears to my eyes every morning, whether they be tears of joy for your remission, or tears of laughter while i’m trying not to choke on my coffee, or tears of realisation that (selfish as it may sound) not everyone has their shit together!! I appreciate you!!

  477. Yay for remission! I have heard that vitamin D is quite helpful with rheumatoid arthritis. Check out the vitamin D council.org website

  478. thank you…as awful as the experience of nigh-intractable depression and self-loathing is, it really does help to know that others *get it*…it also saddens me greatly (yeah, like i need help w that) to know that others have to suffer so…i know just about everyone disagrees on some level but i find suicide a viable option…not one i consider at this time, but……..in my 2decade experience, eating disorders don’t offer remissions…but, hey, ya never know…your expression of hope mitigates my despair/resignation just enough for today……………

  481. oh, BTW I have bipolar and anxiety disorders and I am on a coctail of drugs that work! Hang in there!

  483. I’m so happy for you, Jenny. 🙂 Congratulations on your remission and on getting your life back. You are a fantastic person, and you deserve it. (I feel confident saying that because even though I don’t know you personally, your goodness and your passion shines through in your writing…not to mention all the awesome things you have done for others in need through your blog and all the motivation and support you have given to others battling depression.)

    You are pretty darn cool, Ms. Jenny.

  484. I never talk about the demons that swirl in my head because I always just feel like it is just me that is broken inside. Just reading this gives me hope and it couldn’t have happened to a better person. It is because of you that I found my people, not to steal a quote or anything.

  485. Oh Jenny. You make me so proud to be your reader. Your honesty and willingness to talk about the things that need to be talked about, using your fame to do it – yes. Thank you for being you.

  486. Another approach: you want to live. Going to the doctor to get a diagnosis for the neck lump, taking tests and waiting for the results, trying out new meds, and sharing your experiences through excellent writing-seems like you’re fighting like hell to make it!

  487. Super pleased Jenny. Keep on breathing. Thanks for your posts, they help me.

  488. Congrats! I can’t imagine how difficult that has been. Take a look at eliminating gluten- there’s a lot of info out there and stories from people who have had dramatic improvements with auto-immune diseases like RA by making that change. I’ve also been reading accounts of people reversing depression. Wheatbelly is a great book and there’s a FB page/forum where you can read more about people who are going through the same things you’re dealing with. Thank you for so many laughs. My bff’s and I love you! Long live Beyonce!

  489. Jenny, you are the bloggest who, if you were to ever fart, it would come out in the shape of a unicorn made up of rainbow colored glitter that smells like a margarita, chips, and salsa is around somewhere nearby. For 51years, I was not only friends, but I had become the human form of rationalization, justification, and denial. apparently my skills were so good that my internal self condemning conversations didn’t know each other. Then BAM, they all met and started talking to each other (like as if I couldn’t hear them!) life hit me at warp speed. thank goodness I had two amazing adult daughters that I raised alone. At the very beginning, I had no idea what was going on inside me, but it made every scary or war movie pale in comparison. One day my eldest daughter sent me the link to Beyoncé. at that time no one knew what I was going through, she had no idea how important you instantly became to me. I went to a psychiatrist, got me a psychologist, and then let my family know I was not ok. oh, the friends I had all scattered. Then my mom started sharing stories of her mother committing suicide due to depression at the age of 55. then stories of her cousins, aunts, grandparents who all “were off” which in todays vernacular is depression. Over the first 18 months I went through 15 medications and combinations, that I had severe to allergic reactions to. good times. by then I was diagnosed as having non-trauma based, genetic Major Depression Disorder-Severe, Bipolar2, PTSD, and generalized anxiety disorder-severe. My Dr. told me that less than 1% of women over the age of 20 are treatment resistant to everything I have. (got 2nd and 3rd opinions and testing, just wanted to be sure) there is no medication to ease any of it. thank goodness I didn’t waste money when I was younger on trying drugs, I would not have had fun I guess) YOU are the reason, that when I have become suicidal, I lay on my hardwood or tile floor spread eagled, until those voices calm their asses down so I can stand up without fear of doing something stupid. (I took that method from an old irish saying that when you get really drunk, if you lay down and hold on to the grass, you won’t fall off the earth) instead of feeling a victim of these fancy labels, I decided I can beat them at their own game. When one (or more) of my multiple self conversations start getting to get too loud and too mean, I make myself think of cheesy songs, polkas, 1940’s, 1980’s, Christmas music, children’s songs, whatever it takes to be louder than them. I went through 4 back to back treatments (5days a wk for 6wks each) of Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS). the average MDD patient gets relief after 1 treatment. I had to let my Dr. know I either have a really thick skull, or they use really weak magnets. I met you when you did your LA book signing. I got there 2hrs early because I didn’t want to be late. the people there were as nice as could be. when you started doing the book signing after your reading, they asked me if I wanted to go to the front of the line because I had waited so long. Nope, I was fine. I was the one who by the time it was my turn, explained that while most called my shaking “anxiety”, I was just a Chihuahua, with parkinsons, left out in the snow over night. because I refuse to be a label, but I will be a good story! you have shown me that i’m not alone. everyone’s struggle is soul crushingly hard. i’m just under my own impression that I will someday kick my ass and win. the healthy me that sometimes will show a point of light, is all I need to know the unhealthy me will be evicted. just waiting for the sheriff to get here.
    thank you for bravely leading this tribe. or rollercoaster. which ever fits. (K, i’m currently in the headspace you are in. you are SO WORTH fighting for. Don’t let depression win, it’s just like the bullies that were around when we were younger. only we’re the pretty ones now and they are just jealous. hang on GF, hang on)

  490. You are strong and beautiful and your story gives me hope. Thank you for sharing and letting us be a little part of it all. It gives me just a little bit more hope. 🙂

  491. DEPRESSION LIES. Two of the most powerful words you have written. I read them first a long time ago and have repeated them in times of need, the dark days that come. Wait it out, depression lies I tell myself. No, everyone will not be better off without you. And so it comes, eventually; perspective change. Thank you for writing them again. And all the other wonderful and wacky stuff. I’m ever grateful. xx

  492. Never as severe, but definitely as chronic. Your posts like this help me remember I am not alone in the dark. Depression sucks.

  495. Three years ago, I too was in so much constant pain from fibromyalgia and numerous digestive issues that I felt lije a prisoner in my own body. I was severely overweight and had to walk with a cane because my legs hurt so much. My doctor tried a cocktail of injections, and today I am 80 lbs lighter, no longer taking any medication, and enjoy working a job where I spend 6 hours a day on my feet 🙂 It does happen. Let’s celebrate together!

  496. “It’s a part of me, it’s not all of me.”
    I had to learn this about being sexually abused, as a child. It’s a good thing to remember.