I was just thinking that lately I’ve sort of sucked at blogging, so today I’m going to make it up to you by naming this “I-BLAME-THE-BLOGGESS DAY.”
Basically, you accuse me of it and I will take the fall. On anything. Your choice. Who put all that porn in your internet browser history? Me. Who forgot to feed the dog? I did. Who peed in your kids pants? I peed in your kids pants. Not in a creepy, illegal way. Just in a it’s-my-fault-if-you-need-me-take-the-blame kind of way. It’s all on me today, y’all. Fuck up as much as you want. I’ve got your back.
Running late to work? Need me to take the blame? Done. Leave it in the comments. It’s all on me, you guys.
515 thoughts on “I BLAME THE BLOGGESS”
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I need someone to blame for my sister’s post-partum psychosis. If I don’t have anyone to blame I just cry a lot.
Made my cats wake at 5:30 am
The Bloggess fed me carbs and made me fat!
I have nothing to blame on you yet. But the day is young!
Sweet! I’ve been blaming Communists all these years. Blaming you will be a refreshing change of pace. Thanks!
Made my cats able to time travel since the time stamp on my last post is 18 minutes before 5:30 am
So, you mean to tell me that it’s all your fault that I got sick and missed work yesterday? Awesome. Way to go Jenny. I’m also blaming you for leaving the neighbor’s light on all night, making sleep very difficult!
Jesus. You’re a heroine. With the E, right? Like, you’re not at fault for heroin. Although come to think of it maybe you should take the blame for Toronto Mayor Rob Ford and his crack cocane. Nah. That’s too harsh. How about just Toronto traffic. There’s a lot of fucking traffic in Toronto.
You made my replacement quit, so i will never be out of that germ-infested office, then you STOLE MY LUNCH and ate it in the faculty bathroom! How could you so cruelly steal my caffeine on the day I am having an evaluation?!
I have a Market Research assignment to complete and hand in on Friday… and I really can’t be bothered getting it done on time.
I now don’t have a dog to eat my homework, so… Bloggess… do your work!!
Dear lecturer… the Bloggess blog crashed my laptop, destroying my assignment and all my backups!
I have no idea why those notes weren’t done for the show today, the Bloggess said she’d get them done.
Made me giggle at the office, now everybody knows I’m not working. 😉
Wait, it’s your fault I have been sick for over a week? Thank you! I got to lay on the couch for 5 straight days watching Doctor Who, and I lost 5 lbs. Best week ever.
I blame the Bloggess for not having any paid leave days left to stay at a super fun gaming convention this week.
You’re the one that pooped in the hall last night!!!
This is EXACTLY what I need. Thank you. I haven’t responded to messages from several people while simultaneously being upset with other people for not resounding to messages from me. Since you’ve given me this sweet excuse, I would just like to offer myself in return. If you f anything up today, just blame it on me.
I blame you from the weird looks my wife gives me when I read your book and laugh too loud.
My evaluation this week is all on you, Jenny. God help us all. (I promise you props if all goes well.)
It’s totally your fault that I don’t give a shit about anything today and would rather stay in bed. In fact, I may just do this because, well, THERE YOU GO AGAIN. #thebloggessmademedoit
I also blame you for making my phone change ‘for’ to ‘from’ in my last comment.
Cool! This is like a “get out of jail” free card! WOA-HOA! Dear Today: Bring. It. On. PS. But I get to keep credit for my awesomeness though, right?
…made me neglect my own blog. For, like, weeks. And all this time it was because of a lack of ideas.
It was you who left hair shavings in the bathroom sink and ate the last banana I was going to take to work for lunch!
I’d love it if you could take the blame for my complete inability to reply to emails from friends and my hiding-under-a-blanket to avoid the scary world.
Expect a call from my boss. Thanks in advance….
Because of you, I was making sausage balls at 9:30 last night, and stayed up too late eating them. Bitch.
(Knock ’em dead today! I wish I could watch you swear on stage – that would be worth the pain of sausage balls and sleep deprivation.) 😉
It’s your fault that I have discovered that I’m an excellent scarf knitter for taxidermied animals and that there is no market for this.
Also, You are good at it.
P.S. Please air hug Wendy Davis for me if you see her.
It’s your fault that I’m going to sneak out of work for a 2 hour lunch to get a mani & pedi. You’re wasting taxpayer dollars!!!!!
Can I please have a “I blame the Bloggess” campaign pin?
It’s your fault I haven’t slept in a week, I keep waking up to panic attacks, and I can’t seem to get out of this latest migraine cycle! Damn you! I normally blame Obama like everyone else 🙂 thanks for letting me vent!
Thanks so much for waking my 3-year-old up at 2:30 this morning with bad dreams (she cheerfully claimed) and the need to hear Five Little Monkeys. Much appreciated, Jenny.
It is totally your fault for being so funny that I can’t help but love you. Not in a creepy, stalker kind of way, just as a big fan kind of way. You totally get me through the day, Jenny!
The Bloggess totally hasn’t called me back about the job interview I had last week! 🙁 Bad Jenny.
I dont think you suck at blogging at ALL….so this blog is totally irrelevant. Now go call your therapist and take your meds.
So it can be your fault that my brain’s a cunt? And I’m full of menopausal hormonal moody bloated painy shit?
I love you Jenny!
I totally BLAME you for the fact that I stayed up WAY too late last night. Thanks a lot The Bloggess. Now, the bags under my eyes have bags!
It’s your fault that I’m procrastinating on the Internet instead of writing an important letter. (Now that I have blamed you, does that mean you are actually going to write the letter for me? That would be really nice!)
So it was YOU who stole my multi-million pound inheritance pretending to be the next of kin? And that’s the reason why I’m living in such a sad state:(
It’s your fault that my students don’t understand all the complicated math I’m trying to teach them. Please, can you come straighten them out? 🙂
Made me eat unhealthy food for breakfast and forced me to skip my workout
YOU gave me this cold, didn’t you???????
The Bloggess got me stuck in a career I don’t want to be in.
Okay..It’s YOUR fucking fault that a coworker played his stupid ukulele all fucking day when we were doing our software upgrade this weekend. I lost my weekend. It was stressful. I had to listen to the ukulele. CUT THAT SHIT OUT!!!!
Great, now when my boss asks me why it is taking so long, I’ll have a reason.
…caused my perimenopause, shared my email with Groupon…
I blame the bloggess for the power outage. I am using the light from your blog on my phone to light my way…..both figuratively and literally.
I knew it was your fault! My kiddo woke me up at 4:47 this morning because he has a sore throat. What did you do to him??? It is your fault I am going to have to stay home, wait for a dr. appt., and snuggle with my little sick one all day.
You. You are the reason my ass hurts.
Thanks a fucking bunch, sweetcheeks.
Kept me up all night and in pain after my surgery yesterday. Told me not to take pain killers because I could handle the pain. I won’t remember writing this as I just took a few pain killers.
I’m guessing you had an evil plan for using all cats in the world as minions in this ‘wake the world at a god forsaken hour’ right? Cause I’ve been up since 5 because of them, and I usually get to sleep till ten… (thank god my mind numbing job starts really late!). Thanks a lo Jenny!
Dude, I already knew you were the one who made me allergic to eggs. Mean. Just mean.
You are Mayor Tom Ford’s crack dealer? And did you tell him to knock that councilwoman over yesterday? SHAME.
YOU told my mother-in-law it was ok to start coming to stay with us for two weeks at a time and now she will be visiting during my Thanksgiving, Christmas, AND spring breaks!
Made me think every time I see road kill “damn that would look cute with a dress, boa and beret”
Thank you. I have been waiting to blame you since October, when this art show came to town. Because of you, I had to go see it. Intriguingly macabre. http://volumeone.org/photos/sets/2013/10/14/1878_animal_skins_visual_surfaces_public_reception
I’d pick broke the toilet in a horrible, horrible way, but they’d know I was lying. It’s always me.
So you’re the one who brought this sudden winter down upon us. 😉
I’m only blaming you for not coming to visit when you were in Sydney! Would you mind taking the blame for climate change?
The Bloggess bought all of the Jane Austen Tattoos and now I have nothing to wear to the Ball.
Wait, this is a trap, isn’t it? All these things are really *my* fault.
So YOU broke the toilet in that horrible horrible way… I knew it!!!
You made me stay up all night writing ALF fan fiction. Ugh, soooo tired of writing cat-eating jokes.
You went outside to start your truck to warm it up before work, but you realized you left you gloves in it overnight. So for “fun” you came inside, snuck up behind me, slipped your cold hands underneath the back of my sweathirt and touched my back when you knew I wasn’t looking. Thanks, I “needed” the wake up SMH….LOL
So it was you that turned my stepdaughter into a vomit machine for 7 days straight. Nice one Bloggess. I shall exact my revenge.
“Who peed in your kids pants? I peed in your kids pants.” That’s the funniest fucking thing I’ve seen all day, and I’ve been awake for about 30 minutes already.
Now I have to go work on my blog instead of go to work. That is definitely your fault.
I don’t have enough time to myself. Thanks. Thanks a l o t ..
You made me scared of flying.
I blame the Bloggess for choking in negotiations on behalf of the government I work for with the Chinese. Do they have nuclear capability? I kind of pissed them off. Can I also blame you for things which came from this day? Like my future extradition?
I really wish you had checked yesterday to see if there was stuff to make the kids’ lunches today. Because you know they randomly hate “Have It Your Way Hot Dog Day” at school and today is that day and you have nothing but leftover couscous to give them.
You let my co-workers find out what a massive massive geek I am?! Ah well, no biggie, I’m sure it would have happened sooner or later…
It’s your fault that my boyfriend half finished all the housework jobs he had to do tonight and sat on the computer glued to reddit meaning I got out of bed to finish doing everything and now it’s past my bed time and I can’t sleep
First world problems. Why!! Why did you do that Jenny? GOSH!!!
So you’re the one who left toys & stuff all over my floor? And didn’t do the dishes?
Officer, I swear it was Jenny Lawson.
My whole past week has been crazy at work…and I made so many mistakes that I kind of wanted to disown myself…thank you for this Jenny…I blame you for a fucked up crazy week at work, and for sending out tonnes of invitations to high officials like this: “Invitation: Climate Smary City” I was supposed to write Climate Smart City.
I’m just really glad I didn’t write Climate Smarty City. I would have blamed that on you as well.
You didn’t do my math homework…. what the heck?!?!?! (It’s ok though, I wouldn’t do it either ;p )
Forced me to read her blog instead of working on my project (deadline Friday).
Although it *might* be a hard sell telling some of my students that they are failing because of you, I think I have the advantage in that they won’t take responsibility themselves.
I’m blaming you for the pile of dirty dishes accumulating in my sink. And that’s a totally accurate statement as I am reading your blog rather than doing them.
I blame you for the fact that “knock, knock, motherfucker”, “depression lies”, and “because wine” are now common catch phrases in my house and among my friends. Except that I don’t really blame you for that, I totally and wholeheartedly *thank* you for that!
Um, I’ll blame you for something that The Absurdly Large Kitten Who Thinks She’s A Puppy does later. There’s always something she does later.
Okay. Does your taking the blame include reparation? Because I read this post, commented, then took my coffee and my cell phone outside to read everyone else’s comments. Then dropped my cell phone in my coffee cup. Completely fucking submerged. There is no rice in this house because YOU haven’t been doing any damn grocery shopping. Smh.
So, my phone was a Nokia Lumia 922 and you can just email me for my address.
You’re to blame for my daughter my daughter laughing while getting on the bus even though her teacher told her yesterday that her project was ‘crappy’.
The Bloggess made me gain back the 30 pounds I recently lost. Now my pants are too tight.
Last summer, during a pool party gone wild, someone broke my toilet. Not clogged, but actually shattered the base, requiring a completely new toilet to be installed. To make this even more awesome, there was poop & vomit involved…which could not be flushed due to the while toilet-not-connected-to-the-wall thing. And did I mention this was the master bathroom? My sanctuary? Thanks a lot …
The Bloggess caused my morning sickness to be all day so I can’t clean the house or cook dinner.
No way. You rock.
I would say, ” for the servers being down at work this morning.” But, I don’t mind getting paid for just sitting here.
You’re the reason why my period comes every 23 days. And the gray hairs that are starting to sprout at my widow’s peak…all you. And Goddamn it, Lawson, why did you have to cause these two random hairs growing on my right boob. You caused them…YOU pluck them.
(No…seriously…that would be weird…we’re cool.)
The Bloggess made chocolate icing and forced me to eat it two days ago and now am afraid to weigh in at the gym. Oh yeah, and ordered the strawberry cheesecake the day before that and ditto. Oh God.
I woke up with a cold. THANKS A LOT BLOGGESS!
I saw the Bloggess with the Devil!
This would be perfect if I didn’t already blame my mother for everything. You could pick up the slack for the 8pm basketball practice for my kids last night and tonight. You dick. 9 year olds are in bed at 8, not running patterns and learning to block out. You suck!
I blame you for installing my neighbours’ air conditioning units right over my 2 year old’s nap time, which made my dogs go ballistic and my son act out at swimming lessons due to lack of sleep. Sorry, Bloggess. It’s just a chain reaction thing. Hope you don’t mind 😉
YOU’RE the one who left my daughter’s backpack in the parking lot this morning so it got run over by a car, smushing her water bottle, one pencil, and a rice krispy treat? Bloggess, how could you?!
Also, it’s your fault I’m home sick AGAIN today, because you can’t teach if you can’t talk.
The Bloggess caused my child to teethe thus causing my sleep deprivation!
My socks won’t stay up. Why would you do this to me?
The Doctor Who 50th Anniversary Special is sold out in the theaters in my town! This must be your fault! Now I’ll have to watch it at home on my boring TV, not in 3D.
My grandmother broke her hip yesterday and it was all your fault.
Woman you are awesome. But if you happen to be taking the blame for something….well then you lost your shit at work today. PS the work day hasn’t even started yet.
Oh and I owe you one!
The Bloggess ate my husband’s cannoli.
Oh good, so I can blame you for my city tax audit and let them know I can’t be held responsible for anything they find, cause you did any of the math for me. Sweet! Can I let them contact you with any specific questions, too?
I can’t do it. The bloggess totally makes my day every time I read her blogs.
I’m bad at these things.
Is it your fault my 1 year old son decided 4AM was a good time to start his day today? At least it would give me some sort of explanation!
Thank you for taking the weight off my shoulders, even if it’s only for a day!
The Bloggess made sure I would miss the UPS guy, so now I have to stay home all day tomorrow in the desperate hope that he’ll come back.
You threw a gigantic palmetto bug on me while I was trying to fall asleep last night. Twice.
Dammit, Blogess…you wrote a boring blog post on MY blog today, too! I expected more from you.
You didn’t sign my daughter up for CCE so she can receive her first communion which you don’t really care about because you’re a recovering Catholic but still have lingering guilt from your in-laws about so now my child has no religious education and is going to hell. THANKS A LOT, JENNY.
The Bloggess made my puppy hyper! Evidently she also pooped on the floor.
My cats will be happy you’re taking the blame today. That’s usually their job. Hmmm…now what to blame you for? I guess something may come up. It’s only 5:30am.
So, you were the one who filled my bath tub with weasels and then put Sam Elliott mustaches on all of my Matryoshka dolls! I should have known… I should have known…
It’s totally your fault my youngest cat has to announce that he needs to poop. Loudly. For 20 minutes at the crack of dawn and when he’s done, come waltzing over to bed all “oh, you’re up?”
I *totally* blame you for epic (and I don’t use that word lightly) references that I can’t explain to my ultra-conservative boss when I use them at work. Because she would probably fire me if she knew what “calling on Copernicus” to handle awful clients REALLY meant.
You made me turn off my alarm instead of snoozing it. That caused me to sleep late and not have time to take my dog for a walk or take a shower before heading to work.
I’m pretty sure it must have been you that pissed off my husband as he was going out the door to work this morning. Thanks for that.
So you’re the one who got me pregnant. Nice going. I’m suing for child support, and there’s no flippin’ way we are naming the baby “Sir Victor McMuffins”.
Hey, I’m craving some cream cheese and pickle ice-cream. Can you bring some over? Thanks.
It is so nice to have you back! Missed you!
But will my co-worker Ben have to do today, if I blame you for everything that goes wrong? It’s your fault that Ben won’t get blamed for everything today.
See, you already bumped him out of getting the blame for forgetting the “what” in the prior post.
It’s totally your fault that I am fucking amazing and perfect today.
You made me promise to finish a novel for NaNoWriMo and then totally didn’t write it for me. WTF, Jenny?
Ah, so it was your fault my dance teacher was sick and cancelled our Jive night. Instead I had a random dinner with people I didn’t know, I got drunk on gin cocktails, played a terrible game of pool and ended up watching some shocking kareoke. And on a school night too. I hope you’re pleased with yourself young lady.
I bought a month’s worth of Medifast food ($350) and started the diet a week ago. Instead of the promised 3 to 5 lb. weight loss, I gained 5 pounds. When I was on the scale, you must’ve snuck up behind me and pressed down on that sucker. Thanks Jenny!
If I can, I’m going to save the “broke the toilet” in the bank so I can use it on a later date. My toilet’s only kind of broken right now in that after it’s been flushed, it continues to cycle water through it until someone intervenes. This usually involves me shaking the tank vigorously until it stops running. I’m convinced that this will eventually break a pipe and cause a huge mess. So, no blame now, just possible future blame. Is that cool?
This one is actually your fault, Bloggess. My boyfriend blames you for the fact that every time we pass by metal chickens, (I live in the south so you’d be surprised at how many there are) I have to scream ‘IT’S FULL OF WHIMSEY!’ at him and threaten to buy it unless he gets me something. So…Yeah, that one s actually your fault.
Between you and vodka, I may never have to accept personal responsibility again. Thanks, lady!
The Bloggess made me dream about zombies and faking a leg injury during the zombie apocalypse so others would have to take care of me. Which is really kind of a brilliant plan. Good one.
Baguette did not sleep well last night. Thanks a lot.
The Bloggess is getting old and has started peeing on my hardwood floors every hour.
It’s your fault I broke down and went to McDonalds for breakfast this morning! Good thing I don’t have to blame me own poor will-power; that would make me feel shitty.
I love that some of my fellow Canadians are blaming your for Toronto Mayor, Rob Ford. Being in Montreal, I can afford to be amused by that whole mess. I mean, really, how can we not be amused by a mayor who comments about eating pussy on national tv!!
I’ve got nowt to blame you for, but now I keep imagining you singing: “Who keeps Atlantis off the maps/ Who keeps the Martians under wraps?/ I do, I do.”
….unless that plague of giant mutant land-squid they were talking about on the news is your fault?
The Bloggess refuses to write my book for me. Even though it’s about zombies! She. Will. Not. Write. A. Word.
It was YOU who backed the car into the closed garage door yesterday morning? Thanks, Jenny. Now I need a whole new garage door and those things are EXPENSIVE. You really should be more careful.
The Bloggess twisted my arm and forced me to eat an entire bag of Hershey Kisses for breakfast. She said that chocolate is food group and I was better off starting my day right.
So you’re the one who only halfway painted the niche in the dining room and left it and so now I have a week to finish it before the family descends for Thanksgiving? Thanks a lot, Jenny!! #iblamethebloggess
It’s YOUR fault that “Firefly” was canceled?
I’m not sure I can forgive that.
I blame you for me not being able to concentrate at work. I’m too busy reading about metal chickens, kangaroo vaginas, and taxidermied animals. Thanks a lot!
Really? You’re the one who turned my goat loose and made me chase him all across the countryside, forcing me to call in late to work. Gees Bloggess. Not cool.
Manda: consider yourself hugged in the biggest way possible, girl. Thank you for being so loving. Hang in there.
you got my motorcycle buddy so confused she went off and got married and now she’s moving up North! gee thanks bloggess
It used to be my fault, but now it’s yours. Why? Because I share like that.
You ran down the battery on my phone and made the charger not work so my TWO alarms didn’t go off and now you’re making me waste more time by posting this. Asshat.
Wait! So, you’ve been eating junk food, not exercising, and not writing my novel for NANOWRIMO? Damn it!
Lump in my titty. Blame, man. Also, that this yogurt tastes funny, that bill collectors are getting clever by using local numbers instead of 800s, and if I get the runs after eating Chipotle today. BLAME.
Aw jeez! If I’d read this an hour earlier I could have blamed you for my not going to the gym. But I didn’t see it in time so I went, and it’s all your fault!
The Bloggess is to blame for my cats fighting in my bedroom at 6am, bouncing off me to get to each other.
The Bloggess made me laugh until I cried! Oh wait… that is your fault!
The Bloggess recommended that the boss hire the effing stupid knitwit that I ended up having to work closely with. I already have to work for a living; does it have to be so painful and maddening?!
i blame you for not putting i blame the bloggess memo pads in the store. and that is totally your fault. you’re welcome.
The Bloggess ate two of the five tangerines I had put in the break room at work for a meeting the next morning, meaning that I only had three tangerines, which made me look silly.
I laughed way too loudly and made my co-workers come over to see just what the hell was o funny. I blame the Bloggess.
That first husband? Totally your fault.
Thanks for turning on the Service Engine Soon light in my car!
HAHAHA! This is great! And here I had been blaming One Direction for everything, but that was mostly an experiment to see what it would do to my blog traffic (I hear those One Directioners mean BIZNIZ).
Is it your fault that it’s after 10am and I’m still in a towel (which, admittedly, is an upgrade from pajamas)? Uh, kind of, it is. I feel less responsible already! (Which was kind of a low bar to start with, at least today)
Ahh, so it’s YOUR fault that I have a bladder infection. Until I get to the doctor’s office, I’m cursing your name. Thanks for letting me know!
It’s definitely the Bloggess’s fault I got caught in class reading instead of paying attention to the lecture, since I was reading her book.
The weather guy on TV is predicting snow today in Alberta. I’ll be cursing you as I shiver and wait for the train.
The Bloggess tripped me in my basement and made me bruise up my shin. She also has turned my baby into a chair-climbing-obsessed whiner.
Were you in my backyard at 3:38 a.m. creating the reason my dog had to go out there real, real bad? I should have looked harder when I let him out, we could have had a chat.
Plus, we’re looking for someone to blame for the heater fan on one of our cars that decided to give up the ghost on the same day that driving without a heater fan becomes deadly dangerous.
I got mononucleosis and GAINED weight with it. Bloggess, how could you?!?
I blame you for giving me those anxiety dreams last night about my SILs wedding, which was three weeks ago. WTH, Jenny? I need my sleep!
So it WAS you who gave me this headache-from-hell that is on its 4th day in residence. Sweet.
Right then… it’s is TOTALLY the Bloggess’ fault I am not exercising or sticking to my diet. It’s also the Bloggess’ fault that I’m unemployed, our oven is broken, and my cat is psychotic.
I blame the Bloggess for not making me feel like less of an outcast, and for making me much more okay with that. Its your fault I say completely random (often inappropriate) things and now am more comfortable doing so. Society blames you for that one as well.
Oh and I agree with Scully up there about cancelling Firefly. That was a dick move.
Thanks Jenny for taking the blame. And forcing me to watch Dr. Who all week.
I could blame you for a bunch of shit but I live in Southern Ontario and, sorry Jenny, Rob Ford has got all of it covered!
You just keep being awesome.
Argh! My water heater broke. Thanks a lot.
The Bloggess made me laugh so hard I peed my pants. On your side of the bed.
I don’t know how you did it, but you managed to make me procrastinate all my homework and studying for the only class I have. You finally got me a job – that gave me the right amount of hours that should be spent doing a research paper. And apparently this all added up to a late night anxiety attack that was apparently your fault, now I am exhausted with a headache and residual anxieties.
Now I feel bad for blaming you, I’m sorry, I think I’m bad at this.
The Bloggess absolutely refuses to do the laundry because it’s my husband’s chore, dammit, and he should be doing it and if he doesn’t have underwear for work tomorrow that’s his fault, innit.
I’m picturing Obama forwarding on each and every single picture from the ‘Thanks Obama!’ meme to the Bloggess e-mail now, and saying ‘Can you handle all these?’
It’s good to have a scapegoat!
I live in severe Southern Illinois, the county seat of the town that was wiped out by a tornado Sunday and I work in public service. All I’ve done for 2 days is tell absolute strangers from away from here how they can help and where to take donations. I’m exhausted, but in a heartwarming it feels good kinda way. So I blame you for my inability to drink caffeine, because I could use about a pot of coffee right now!
So it was you that made my tongue all rough because someone gave me crackers and EZ Cheez yesterday, causing me to eat them for far far too long! Humph!
Why the hell did you let the bigwigs hold their meeting in the BREAKROOM instead of the CONFERENCE ROOM???? Now I am completely cut off from the coffee. Without the coffee I can’t do the breathing/speaking/thinking/functioning thing. Which puts everyone at risk. I will not be held responsible for actions performed without sufficient caffeination. Nashville is likely to collapse under the strain of a coffeeless Mel. YOU did this, Jenny. You. I hope you’re happy. :-/
Caused the cat to pee on my comforter. And snuck my car keys in my husband’s pocket and made me late for work.
You caused my diabetic daughter in law to develop preeclampsia and deliver my 1st grandchild over a month early while my son is in Afghanistan and can’t meet his son who is being guarded by nurse Ratched in the NICU who got her feet tied up in his IV and nearly ripped his tiny hand off. Was this supposed to be funny stuff? Because I don’t feel anything is funny right now. I just want to cry and hug my grandson and see my son and stop feeling helpless.
I blame The Bloggess for America’s real problem that’s constantly overlooked. That my friends is sinkholes. It’s all her freaking fault too that these things are swallowing up homes, pets and loved ones. Way to freaking go.
It’s not my fault I can’t get anything done this week. The Bloggess got me watching Doctor Who and now that the BBC is airing 50th Anniversary stuff all day, every day, I HAVE to watch so I don’t miss anything. So go make yourself a sandwich, this could take a while.
Blame the Bloggess? I can certainly lay fault at your door for seducing me into spending more time on the internet than I should otherwise have done. For pleading with a very shy friend to go to your Louisville reading to get a signed book for me because you weren’t coming to my area. For laughing every damned time I reach to buy new towels. And for coveting a big metal chicken.
For really big problems at work, just blame the last person who left the company. 😉 When my friend & co-worker Todd left CorporateOverlord(TM) for a job in a warmer climate, he said “Hey just blame me. Anything goes wrong from now on, just say it’s my fault.”
I haven’t figure out what to do at home yet; we don’t have a dog. 😉
The Bloggess didn’t wake me up early this morning like she said she would! Boo!
Didn’t clean my house. This is actually true.
Oh, how I wish I could. I find your blog entirely too amusing to do that. The comments of everyone else just makes it that much more fun.
You should totally make this a note pad and sell it in your online shop. I would TOTALLY buy this.
@Ragemichelle I feel your pain. Does it help to remember it *COULD* have been an accordion?
OMG this is perfect!! Because my husband JUST went out of town, and I hate his couch…
I blame you for making me fart when I sneezed this morning!
Oh! So, YOU are the one who left the interior light on in my car. Woke up to the deadest of dead batteries. Know what it’s like to kill the battery on a Prius? Pain in the ass. Thanks alot! (can’t wait to tell my husband that it wasn’t my fault)
I really wish you would find that library book – I’m in a panic – I can only renew it one more time before I have to pay for it. Even so, it’s no excuse for all the stress eating you’ve been doing. Sheesh.
Oh, YOU’RE the reason I’m behind in NaNoWriMo! I thought it was that 11,000 word fanfic I’ve been writing instead of working on my novel!
Why did you wake up my 2.5 year old before I was done eating breakfast? I was really hoping he’d sleep in this morning.
I blame The Bloggess for the rash of not very good biographies I’ve had to read lately. You apparently started a “thing” where every long-winded fool with a blog thinks they’ve got a NYT bestseller in them.
I also blame you for making me befriend such people.
I don’t need your services, but my hubs does, bigtime. He hasn’t owned up to a damn thing he’s done as long as I’ve known him.
I usually blame Nancy Pelosi, but I can blame you today. Thanks!
i slept in the spare room two nights in a row because the bloggess didn’t make my bed.
going to have to sleep there again tonight, too.
Well, that’s really sweet, but I think I’ll continue to blame the Republicans. They’ve got that shifty-eyed look going on while pushing babies and grandmothers under the bus, so why waste that?
– had the shit till it all got smoked
– kept the promise till the vow got broke
– had to drink from the lovin’ cup
– stood on the banks till the river rose up
– saw the bride in her wedding gown
– was in the house when the house burned down
Damn! There was cake?!?
I blame you for not being able to see a Giant Metal Chicken without smiling and wanting one! (and anything stuffed in clothes!)
Please stop throwing chicken shit onto my shoes. God only knows where I’ve tracked it. Wash the root crops.
Way to teach my kid how to wear boxes on his head and run in to things. Seriously. That shit’s only funny for so long.
I’m blaming you for Obama. You actually voted for him I’m pretty sure so this one is actually on you!!
I blame you for my life turning upside down. And global warming. But mostly my life.
I blame you for the panic attack I’m having about my social security meeting. It feels mean to blame you for all my medical problems however.
Thanks for the migraine that won’t go away, making the dicks at work more dickish than usual, making it be cold so that my joints hurt, and for that big bunch of white hairs I discovered in my head last week which I totally had to pay to have them eradicated.
WTH Jenny? I thought we were bros with vaginas…broginas?
So you are the reason I haven’t been ecercising lately. Nice – way to go bloggess. Make me fat why don’t you….
You totally gave me hives, and are making me scratch myself like a gorilla. Oh, and you made me eat candy corn in the middle of the night while I couldn’t sleep. Yep. ALL your fault. 😉
Brilliant. Just brilliant.
You ruined my pecan pie! How could you!
It’s all your fault I am 29 weeks pregnant and still vomiting every day, and thus can’t keep up with the housework. Thanks Jenny…
It’s totally YOUR FAULT that I stayed up all night reading your book and laughing my head off. TOTALLY.
I don’t know *why* you felt it necessary to make every driver in Austin but me run every red light and roll through every stop sign when they are already sub-par drivers!
Also, are you the reason I’m having surgery tomorrow to remove what the doctor insists on calling tumors? Is this because I used to respond to every one of my daughter’s physical complaints with, “It’s not a tu-mah!” in my best Ah-nold accent? Well, they better be benign, missy, or you and the doctor are in big trouble!
However, if you’re the one who helped me find out that my accursed MTHFR means nitrous oxide during surgery could kill me (so now I’m avoiding it), I might forgive you…
I’m going to print off a stack of those and keep them at my desk, then whenever anyone complains about something I’ll fill it out and hand it to them, then walk away in silence. Basically a “here’s your sign” situation.
Oh wait, I work alone for 75% of the day, never mind.
You made me laugh so loud and so often that I (you) woke up my husband.
Just gave my 3 yr old a ‘fruit by the foot’ for breakfast! Totally not healthy. I was pretty sure it was someone else’s fault. Thanks for making me feed my kid crap for breakfast!
I sent you an advertising request and no one ever got back to me. So, legitimate blame?
Oh, I thought it was a tornado passing through. But it was you!
The bloggess forced all that chocolate down my throat last night!
Thank you so much! I had was just about to make a boring out of order sign for the non-flushing toilet I encountered after my morning visit. Your acceptance of the blame and provided sign was much more fun.
My husband is facing a promotion that would require us to move to another state. If we go and our current house doesn’t sell, we will be screwed. I blame you for putting us in this stressful situation, and will hold it against you if this house doesn’t sell.
Wait, since it would be your fault we’re homeless, does that mean we can come live with you?
The Bloggess is the reason I am now completely hooked on Doctor Who. I started watching it with Amazon Prime on my bf’s blueray, and while I was off yesterday I got completely through season 2 and cried my eyes out when Rose and the Doctor had to say goodbye. (I’m totally not mad about it, I completely LOVE THIS SHOW NOW). I have no way to watch the current season, so that’s totally The Bloggess’ fault 🙁
It’s the Bloggess’s fault that my XML files don’t work. Give her the F, not me!
… put wine in my coffee cup.
It’s the bloggess’s fault that I’m stuck living in the deep south when I want to live in Alaska!!
Obviously it’s your fault that my husband found a gray hair in his eyebrow today and then practically shaved his eyebrow off to get rid of it.
It’s all the Bloggess’s fault that my physical therapist nearly KILLED me yesterday by making me do so many exercises 3 weeks after back surgery that I’ve been a useless vegetable ever since. How did you get her phone number anyway, Jenny?
I can’t believe you left “Big Butt Babes” in the DVD player when you knew damn good and well the mother-in-law was going to put in “the Little Mermaid” for my daughter.
it is nice to know that someone else is to blame for me being bitterly single.
Oh honey… do you have a minute? It’s your fault that I didn’t go to college. Making it your fault that I’m substandardly employed, in debt, with no end in sight. It’s also your fault that I procrastinate and make excuses for not furthering my education now, 26 years later, and sit in this cubicle slaving away for little money. Whew! What a relief to no longer have to blame myself for this ridiculousness!
PS: I like my coworkers and I’m not so much in debt as that I don’t have the money to live the fabulous lifestyle that I’m sure I was actually destined for. That procrastinating and excuse part, though… that’s totally on you.
so it was you standing next to my daughter’s crib waking her every hour, eh? shame!
What’s the deal with eating all the flour tortillas Bloggess?!! You realize that the whole grain tortillas that I put in my boys lunches are going to come straight back all mangled and uneaten?
I’m afraid the new teacher evaluations in NM are on you, Jenny. It really sucks that I’m given 10 days of sick leave in my contract but can only use 2 before I’m “less than effective.” So now YOU have to stay home with my kids when they get sick.
Seriously – why would you spend so much of my money – without any regard whatsoever to my budget. This is going to make the next 2 weeks really tough. Grrrr. You.
I’m not saying this is your fault per se, but you knew we’re not supposed to eat at our desks anymore. You knew this, Jenny, and yet now there’s granola all over the floor of my office, because somebody decided that granola bars didn’t really count as food and forgot that they’re all crumbly, and now we’re going to have that horrible ant problem again, and we just had a meeting about this, Jenny. I am so mad at you right now.
Instead of going to the gym on my day off, I’m knitting and binge watching How I Met Your Mother. I blame The Bloggess.
Also, I’d pay like a million dollars for an “I Blame The Bloggess” t-shirt. Can we make that happen, pretty please?
Oh, so YOU are the one that buried the second access cover to our septic system so that it cannot be inspected. Crap. (Yeah, I crack myself up.) I thought it was the crooked contractor who installed the system. But it was YOU.
Guess who just got some unpleasant news about her septic tank from the septic tank sucking guy.
…forgot the “in” in “locked your keys the car. Then crashed it.”
Just sayin 😉
Experiencing ‘Working Mom Guilt’ for the first time – my child is 9. Also, I am taking her to the funeral later today of her best friends mother. So there is that too…
I lost my biggest account at work which accounted for 75% of my workload.
I finally decided what I want to be when I grow up but I refuse to go into $100K in debt to do it.
Also, it is your fault that 10 minutes of Yoga sun poses and less than 20 squats left me with jello legs last night and a sore knee.
Thanks for everything…
Well, the only thing I can blame you for is making me laugh inappropriately at work when I was supposed to be working but totally needed to cheer up a little.
Also, I can blame you for my new awareness and (I hope) better support for my friend who suffers from depression.
Totally your fault chica.
Great googly moogly – this is just what I needed! I blame the Bloggess for the extra 10 pounds I can’t ditch, for making the dogs eat the new plants I JUST potted outside yesterday, for the new chip out of the kitchen counter (you did that while I was at yoga this morning, didn’t you?) and for telling the kids not to do a fucking thing today while they’re on fall break. Thanks, Bloggess. You bitch.
Well, my son tried to blame me for forgetting something at home, so I appreciate the chance to pass the buck- I hereby blame the Bloggess for going all wide-eyed-“NO-YOU-DIDN’T-JUST-BLAME-YOUR-MOTHER”-crazy on my son at school drop off this morning.
I want cake now. Thanks.
The Bloggess forced the baby to stay up until midnight, and the dogs to wake me up begging to go out at 4:30 causing me to sleep in way past my alarm, and bitch out the husband for not having baby ready for daycare on time. Thanks alot Bloggess.
Turn off the AC and turn on the sun! It’s too cold >.<
I blame you for the anxiety & stress I’m feeling from working too much & trying to buy a house, which I’m now second guessing & feel like I might be making a huge mistake. idontwanttobeanadult
The sun came up
… for the quiet whispering voices in my head…
I blame the Bloggess for giving me shingles . . . on my FACE . . . while PREGNANT. Then she broke my mother-in-law’s arm, and gave my toddler the flu.
Wow, that helps. I totally needed someone to blame for all that!
I blame the Bloggess for making me take two sleeping pills and sleeping through my doctors appointment, class and booty call!
damn it – could have really used that last one!
Can I blame you for my not having gotten any writing done? Surely it’s Facebook and email and small child, but blaming you is tempting!
It is all your fault that this professor goes way beyond Grammar Nazi in her pursuit of “scholarly writing” on every single assignment and is breaking my husband’s will to live. Knock it off, Jenny.
…Huh. That didn’t feel as good as I thought it would. Okay, you’re off the hook.
…the reason i am behind at work. really.
I blame you for 1) being late for work..an every day occurance that is totally your fault. 2) remembering to rush the puppies poop into the vet for analysis, but neglecting to sit outside and watch White Dog poop for the last week and a half. 3) for not taking White Dog’s poop to the vet again today. 4) buying those boots, the pants from Dress Barn and the other items of clothing that I probably could of gotten through the winter without and 5) not having all the laundry done yet. You totally screwed up in my world, gish!
I blame The Bloggess for my ability to swan through life as a tall, blonde, willowy gorgeous woman of eminent grace, style, humor and brilliance, charming everyone in my path.
I also blame The Bloggess for my delusions.
i wish i could blame you for my current …um dilemma. My doc just changed my anti depressants the same week my mom passed away. I *know* i’m depressed, but this new drug has opened up all new levels of fuckin crazy!
I think booze would be a better way to cope than these super messed up side-effects. Abnormal dreams? Yep. Higher chances of mania? Suicidal thoughts? GOT IT. Increased OCD? Hell yeah. Nausea, vomiting? Yep. My own brain going on a loop of repeated horrifying memories & not able to focus? (that’s my own personal side effect, but it sucks!) Decreased libido? Holy shit. Nope, not taking it anymore. Hard limit. But I’m ok. I’m still talking to doc & trying to figure out how to deal with The Crazy.
Can’t blame you at all, but thanks for the free ticket. You help me with The Crazy – I know I’m not alone. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
And I miss my mommy. Goddammit.
It’s Totally your fault that I will be five minutes late to some important thing one day, because, The Doctor came and picked me up in the TARDIS and we came and picked you up and went on all these grand adventures, saving worlds and wearing bowties, and we found the swimming pool again, and forgot our towels and then we were in the console room trying to figure out why we hadn’t landed but really we had but had forgotten to leave the parking brake on, so it didn’t make The Noise, which is what had us confused and it took us five whole minutes to figure that out, which is how I ended up being late, because, once you’re five minutes behind, you’re five minutes behind, because obviously we can’t use the tardis to cross our own timelines, or the paradox would rip holes in the fabric of reality and everyone would get eaten by great big scary creatures.
Maybe that hasn’t happened for you yet where you are in the timeline, so, just incase, you probably shouldn’t read that but since you already did, just, disregard it entirely.
Instead… It’s Totally your fault that I am Happy with the sort of Crazy that I am, and comfortable being me, and being OK with depression sometimes.
Thanks, Jenny 😛
Ha ha ha! The bloggess made me forget to make dinner. and do the laundry. and the dishes. Shit, and she made me stay on the phone for an hour with my best friend. Oh, I could use this for a while. Thanks!
The Bloggess kept hitting my snooze button until I missed my morning class. It is also her fault my house was too cold to get out from under the blankets anyway. 😀
Is responsible for the gazillion episodes of the Partridge Family that are hogging up all the space on the DVR.
Don’t mind if I do… I made a list in progress… I needed this today
Holy crap! YOU were on the grassy knoll!!!
So, it was you who left only 1/2 a cup of coffee in the pot.
You make me laugh so often so my sides hurt. Darn you! 😉
that is very kind and thoughtful of you Jenny. So much like something I would do. I however do not have anything I wish to blame on you. Karma. So I can’t falsely blame anything. I, on the other hand am the most guilty person on the face of the planet. I am sure I could figure out why WWI is my fault. or the revolutionary one…
I blame the Blogess for causing my pants to be tight to the point where they dig into my gut when I sit down and thus cause a little imprint to be left behind that could be easily mistaken for a c-section scar but it’s not…its my fat trying to eat my pants.
soooo… you’re to blame for this leaf blower relay all my neighbors participated in today, giving me a hell of a headache and leading to me not finishing the script I have to present on thursday? Which means I have to do it tomorrow. So I won’t have time to finish the clothes I wanted to wear on Friday. Which will ruin my weekend. And my souffle.
Basically, I get to blame you for the rest of the week instead of admitting my procrastination habit…. Great, thanks, little scapegoat!
You are my scape goat in shining armor. Thanks for not putting the toilet seat down again.
I feel like absolute shit and I would love to be able to blame you for that but that just seems cruel and I’m a bit fed up with cruel and mean at the moment so I don’t have the heart to blame my shitty depression on you.
If anything, you lighten it… even if at the moment it’s just a tiny minuscule amount.
You woke me up from a VERY deep sleep at 12:30 last night because the baby was awake and making noises. Then, using the “I just took care of the older child’s nightmare so this one is your turn” technique, you talked me into going in to soothe her even though we both knew that it would just make her more upset and she wouldn’t go back to sleep without nursing. Then, knowing I was on the verge of “I’ll do anything it takes if I can just go back to sleep”, you talked me into nursing her even though it was nowhere near time for her to eat and even though this is totally counter to our current sleep-training methods. (Then, when none of the above resulted in a sleeping baby, you went in for 3 minutes and got her to go back to sleep, WHICH IS WHAT I TOLD YOU TO DO WHEN YOU FIRST WOKE ME UP because the baby doesn’t expect boobs from a non-nursing person.)
So basically, you woke me up for no reason and kept me up for 45 minutes for no reason.
I’m also going to blame you, and not the baby, for continuing to wake me every 1.5-2 hours all night long. And I’m going to blame you for my toddler’s uncooperativeness today.
After all this, I think you owe me a spa day and a full night’s sleep.
You bought that ugly (wich I love and will keep for ever just to annoy my hubby) artwork to hang in the Kitchen and spent $189 for it without even taking into concideration if my husband would like it or not (BTW He hates it, so thanks alot). While you were so excited about the ugly artwork and removing it ever so gently from the car you did not pay attention and locked that stray cat I have been feeding in the garage. It is your fault the cat shit in my husbands Garage. Even worse it is your fault that he stepped in the cat shit and did not notice untill he was halfway to work and it was already rubbed into the carpet in the car. Thanks alot Blogess! You will probably be hearing from my husband soon. Im so sorry he is a yeller! (thanks for the relief on this big day of my fuck ups)
It was super shitty of you to let that cockroach AND then a mouse into my apartment this morning. One form of vermin at a time, MAXIMUM.
Now I know why I’m not feeling this season of The Walking Dead or why I’m not working because I need to read all these comments. Whew, that was a load off of my back!
You forced me to buy a delicious, over-priced, unnecessary coffee this morning while running errands (even though I had one at home before I left). Thanks for pushing me into coffee addiction. Also, you’re awesomesauce. My days would be boring, and shit if I didn’t have your blog to read.
I was going to blame you for a bunch of stuff but every time I tried, a window would pop up on my computer and say that it was George Bush’s fault. So you are in the clear.
Oh, man, it’s YOUR fault that I still don’t have the docs to my lawyer for buying my very first place to live? THANKS MAN, I haven’t been sleeping for DAYS!
I’m taking a rain check – a get out of jail free card. Thanks Blogess!!! You rock!
I don’t have a single thing to blame on you… yet. Keeping this in reserve.
the bloggess ate my homework. and my cake.
All 3 of my kids are ungrateful! They walk all over me and think nothing of it! They are grown adults and YES we raised them better than that! I’m sick of it! And it’s all YOUR fault!
Its’ your fault I chugged my husbands last beer at 11:30 this morning…. Here I thought it was my kids driving me to insanity, but all this time it was YOU!! Thanks bloggess.
I can’t fly!!
I really don’t have anything to blame on you, but this should totally go in your store. Then I can blame you for the uncut cocaine that is on the porch. See? See SWAT team!
So YOU are the reason I purchase so much flavored vodka! Then again, “at least it’s not towels”.
OK wow. I was kidding about it being all your fault. I was just getting into the spirit of things, but all the other posts are so nice and SO not blaming you! WTF? We have permission people! So I guess I have to retract my earlier statement and say it must be all my fault my kids are ungrateful. Blame Mom like always…
*sigh* … so many, many things. Where to even start?
Today it’s nice to know that when I go upstairs where my kids live, and see the mess but not the room UNDER the mess, I will finally know the answer to “WHO LEFT ALL THIS LAUNDRY IN A HEAP IN THE LIVING ROOM UP HERE?!! THIS IS NOT A STORAGE UNIT, PEOPLE!”
So–thanks–but you’re in so much trouble right now.
The contract on our house fell through. Dammit, Jenny. Couldn’t the squirrels stayed in YOUR attic until after the inspection?
Your store really, REALLY needs this on a pad of Post-its. Really.
Not so much blamed as thanks for the puking kitty gravy boat. Just in time for the holidays.
I’d just like to blame you for the dog crapping all over the dining room floor and then the cat either a) deciding it was Gross Pets Day or b) showing his uncontrollable revulsion, and throwing up all down the sideboard. Thanks for THAT, Bloggess!
I blame you for my advertizing budget being far too small to do what I really want to do, which is to pay for ads every month, forever- just cause I get to talk to the most insane, wonderful, generous, kooky people from your Blog that come over to say hello at Dr Brassy’s and buy my jewelry.
Glad you are home….Luv Brassy
It’s your fault I’ve had a migraine twice this week. What were you THINKING!?!?
You got me sick! (On a related note, I bet a lot of people have blamed you for this today. I hope you get over your cold-flu-food poisoning-strep throat-disease extravaganza soon. And don’t give it to anyone else.)
So YOU’RE the reason we have a toilet ghost, and sometimes our toilet will unprovoked, start flushing without ceasing?
Because that’s actually pretty hilarious. (Though probably less so for our landlord who pays the water bill…)
Hmmmm… I don’t know what else to blame you for! I’d blame you for my farts, but then what would my dog do?
Stop chewing my hangnails Jenny…..not cool
Thank you for admitting that my cold is your fault. If I can’t go to work tomorrow, I expect you to entertain me all day. Fortunately, there’s years worth of old posts to re-read 🙂
Can I blame you for my 12yo failing English even though I help him and approve his assignments? Apparently I am not smarter than a 7th grader and should chuck my college diploma.
I blame the Bloggess for assigning my HS senior a ridiculously complicated and time consuming school project due right before Christmas that causing said 17 year old panic attacks, depression, and anxiety. Way to go!
pissed around all morning instead of doing any work.
It’s the Bloggess’ fault that my Zoloft refill did not get called in before the weekend, which resulted in the pharmacist not being able to call my physician and get another month’s approval, which delay has resulted in four days of withdrawal hell. Wah! Stupid Bloggess.
So you’re the reason that the continuum hypothesis is undecidable in ZF?
so… it’s your fault that the counseling job i was offered just turned into an unpaid internship? i was thinking about blaming the rheumatoid arthritis on you, but i know that’s not fair because you have it too. that just doesn’t make sense.
So you’re the one who stole my Entertainment Weekly? I thought it was a neighbor or the fact that the postman sometimes confuses the 8 for a 6 but now I know the truth!!! So please let me know what’s on The Must List and what I need to watch this week besides Doctor Who specials.
So you’re the reason my emergency chocolate stash at work is empty. I had this funny notion that I had scarfed down all the Reese’s cups, but glad to know it wasn’t me. You also hid my kindergartener’s word ring, which means it’ll be Mommy-made flashcards for her tonight.
Okay. Usually I blame you for making me share your blog posts with people who haven’t yet caught on to your fabulousness (and yet I remain friends with them).
Today I will blame you for making me stay up until 5 am the last couple of days. Not because I’m avoiding difficult things. 🙂
You totally gave the kids and I the crud that we have right?
I’mpretty sure you gave me this unfun UTI or rabies. The symptoms are so similar it’s hard to tell and I don’t want to go to my doctor to figure out because she thinks I have Elephant Man’s disease and I totally don’t and I just checked my records and while I asked for a referral for a doctor to deal with my cataracts which I DO have (THANK YOU FOR THOSE, BLOGGESS) she instead gave me a referral to get tested for elephants man disease. Which AGAIN I do not have. I just have a lot of birthmarks. Also the fault of the Bloggess.
Huh, I read this and thought, “Oh, so Rob Ford is her fault!” And then I saw that others had already made that connection.
Which totally means that we’re all correct. Rob Ford: The Bloggess’s fault. And also Doug Ford. Yeah, that’s right– you’re responsible for them both.
So, it can be your fault that, just for doing my job today, I got accused of threatening a disabled person?? (I didn’t do any such thing, I swear, and just the mere accusation made me want to cry). On second thought, your blog posts make me feel better on days like today, so I don’t want that to be your fault. I shall find a blogger I don’t find uplifting and funny, and blame them instead.
Thank you for making me keep that adorable stray puppy who has morphed into a psychotic, forty- pound, electronics-eating, ninja-assassin Bassett hound from Hell. After waiting all week to see my boyfriend, and ninety seconds after he arrived at my house, Sophie “The Assassin” Quinn Carpenter unleashed her excited fury and launched herself straight into his face as he bent over to remove his shoes. Cue the string of obscenities, as i entered the room to see my boyfriend bleeding profusely from his disjointed nose, and imagine my confusion as i see Sophie hiding under my bedroom chair eating an entire pack of Juicy Fruit. “What the fuck happened?”, i shouted through my giggles. You have cursed me with the inability to take anything seriously or even feign concern when it is obviously due. Even as he explained that she bashed his nose in with her giant, anvil head, all i could think is, “where the fuck did she get the gum?” Thanks Jenny, thanks a lot.
My daughter’s favorite shirt mysteriously disappeared from the laundry stack this week. It was ragged and stained and full of little holes across the belly and big holes in the arm pits. The Bloggess took it. I suspect she tossed it in the dumpster.
It’s your fault I have 8 twelve and thirteen year old boys sleeping over at my house on Saturday night. The least you can do is come over and help me bake them chocolate chip cookies.
For making you get your shots at your 4-year check-up today. It’s this other lady’s fault. I’m the one who’s going to give you a cupcake later.
Then you, my dearest, are the reason I went out to lunch with my friend Dena for 3 hours yesterday instead of editing the audiobook I have due next week. Thank you. I got out of the house, out of my funk, and got Mongolian Beef leftovers for dinner. Totally on you babe!
Wow, from the length of this comment chain, you/this blog/the force known as Bloggess have been really busy. But I can only blame you for making me feel less crazy and lonesome, due to the Bloggess’ ability to harness the power of the internet to the power of functional misfits and turn it into some really funny and affirming writing. That’s all the doing of this blog, and you. Take all the blame you want.
Everything is hitting at once, and it’s all your fault. Good thing we’re Wonder Women.
I keep thinking I’m a blogger. I totally blame you for that
I woke up, slightly running late to work so I rushed through my morning routine. Get in my truck, put the big bitch in reverse, only to discover something was wrong. Flat tire. A fucking flat tire. Big piece of metal shoved into the tire. Way to go Jenny. Have you any idea what a tire cost on a damn Dodge pick up truck. A lot. Insanley a lot. Fuck you. Fuck you very much. (there, I feel better about my day)
It has recently come to my attention that my cat’s propensity for cuddling ass-to-face rather than face-to-face is not, in fact, a normal random example of poor luck of the draw genetics, but is actually your doing. For clarification, I should note that this is her ass and my face rather than the other way around, but either would probably be somewhat uncomfortable. At any rate, if you could find it in your heart to turn her around now and then, I would greatly appreciate it. I’m desperate enough for cat snuggles that I won’t say I always turn away the fuzzy bum, but my dignity would appreciate a change.
Also, I have to ask. Scallop eyes…What were you thinking with that one? Creepy.
The Bloggess gave me shingles!
Can’t. I blame things on Scott Busman.
I’m not a blamer. I own my shit. But thanks for the offer 🙂
I blame her for a fat girl appearing on my site.
Oh, it’s on.
You are to blame for causing my panic attacks during Hurricane Sandy, for giving my cats kidney failure 11 months ago, for making my dad unemployed for 7 months, and for deciding that I should host Christmas this year.
You are also to blame for my lack of panic attacks since then, for keeping my cats alive (and in decent condition), for getting my dad a job across the country (and out of my hair), and for getting my sister to come home for Christmas.
Thanks so much for keeping my cats alive when the stupid one should have died 9 months ago and the smart one should have died 3 months ago. Screw you and you constant evil deeds.
Bloggess, you totally talked me into this kitchen remodel and pretty much forced me to hire a fucking idiot because he was so nice, so it’s your fault the schedule is behind, the costs are escalating and the fridge got unplugged so all my food has gone bad. NOT only did you coerce me into signing that contract, you also told the KFC to close for renovations at the same damn time so I can’t even eat fried chicken, this is all totally your fault. You need to make me fried chicken or I will never forgive you.
The Bloggess makes my dog gently and thoroughly lick his junk in front of every visitor who enters this house.
Jenny totally stole all the publishing fame and monies, thus preventing my blog and moi from becoming uber-famous, mega-rich and the bad-ass writer that I deserve to be.
Totally your fault for losing all that weight and sending it down the internets to me.
I feel SO MUCH BETTER.
You forgot to give me the bag of apples you had behind the bagging area, even though I only had 5 items at checkout and you could totally tell I was going to make apple pie. You knew I came to the store specifically for the apples and then you let me away and down the sidewalk without my apples and without even trying to catch me on my way out.
HOW did you sneak into my head and give me a headache?
I blame the Bloggess for making me want to punch my husband in the face. No, wait. I blame HIM for that.
I can’t figure out how it could be your fault that I spent ALL of my insurance benefits for the year on this one tooth, and I still have to go to the dentist again tomorrow.
Well thanks, Jenny. When my one and only child turned 20 years old, I was pretty sure I was in the home stretch in terms of child rearing. She’s away at college, time to focus on me. Well, here I sit, nearly 40 years old and 34 weeks PREGNANT with a baby in the 86th percentile for size. Not really the direction I saw my life going, Jenny. Not really the direction my vagina saw it going either.
My husband told me you kept me up all last night caughing and not him. Well… Can you please take some cough-medicin before you go to sleep then or sleep on the sofa? Sleep depravation gets me cranky and i have a meeting tomorrow.
So you totally made my Tuesday act like a Monday!! I knew it couldn’t be my fault. I feel a little bit better now. 🙂
It’s your fault there was a chupacabra under the stage.
Its fitting that blame the bloggess day falls on my birthday 🙂
I blame the bloggess for making me laugh! Ugh. 😉
The bloggess smoked all your crack.
ALL OF THE HALLOWEEN CANDY? Really Jenny, you couldn’t have left one piece of chocolate behind? How did you find my hiding spot anyway?
There are A LOT of posts here about cats waking folks up early. My cats are lazy bastards…so I have no problem there.
I do have a sick husband (bronchitis) who went to the doctor and got shots…so he’s all validated that he is poor and pitiful. I would rather EAT. A. BUG. than go home right now. Can you please come cater to his every whim?
Or I’m guessing the offer is just limited to “I can’t cater to your every whim (or listen to you whine) because the Bloggess won’t let me.”?
He will never buy it.
Made a pokey metal chicken fall on my bare foot when I was cleaning the house today. A metal chicken I only own because of her. Thanks a lot, Bloggess!
Dammit Bloggess! It’s all your fault that I haven’t started my psychology research project yet. It’s due on Monday and I haven’t even read the text book yet. Thanks a lot Bloggess! 🙁
You’re the reason my pinky toe snagged the edge of the step while I was walking down them and rolled me done the stairs kind of like a cheap cigar…just kidding, I didn’t fall down the stairs (today) but if I had it would’ve been on you!
Ha! I blamed you for the house not being clean when my friend dropped by unexpectedly. Well done you!
Also, I wanted to share a link with you from a friend of mine who trying to spread the depression message and feeling like she’s getting no where. I think she’s doing wonderfully.
Way to go on letting the mouse in my house and for my dirty bathrooms. Also…WHAT IS UP WITH THE PRICE OF GAS???
Also, I sneezed. Thanks for THAT, too.
This makes my day. Thank you so much for eating all of the ice cream in the house and not saving any for my boyfriend.
Made the dog decide I needed to let him outside 15 minutes before my first alarm went off this morning.
Bloggess. What am I going to do with you? It’s your fault my daughter created a reminder in my work calendar to pick her up from school.
My entire staff now knows to PICK UP BIBI BOO BOO AT SCHOOL, YO @ 11:35 am
The Bloggess is responsible for my “crazy project is almost done” let-down and slothfulness.
I blame the Blogess for sending the creepy people to my work today.
It is totally your fault that I sit in front of the computer laughing while my cat demands pettings whilst she is on my lap. At least I have one hand free to pet her while I scroll down with the other. Also it is your fault that I am so efficient and get lovin times with the cat while reading. Excellent.
I’d totally blame you for procrastinating on the work I’m supposed to be doing right now for tomorrow. Alas I know it’s me who is procrastinating, but you make it so damn easy when you give me your blog to read. So it is kind of your fault. You’re enabling me to not be doing my work by being awesome and funny. I’d shake my fist in anger but I think instead I’ll go back read some of your previous blogs instead so I can procrastinate more and TOTALLY blame you.
I never heard of anyone doing this before. I have done it, but I never heard of anyone else doing it.
I allow my children to blame me for all sorts of things, but that is just because it gives them some sort of freedom.
I am a horrible parent. I have sent young ones out on the metro with the metro card, but in my defense, I was perfectly confident that that he would be okay.
Then I worried that he would be okay.
He was okay.
A lot of of my worries have to do with someone other than myself. I figure that if I only had to deal with myself, then that might might be a nice place to be.
But, I have to deal with situations that are not logical. And those situations deal with people I love, otherwise, I would never do it.
From making choices through the years, I find it so much easier to know what I am doing, why I am doing it, and I am totally willing to take any consequences from my actions.
It is powerful.
Lots of times, thought, things just suck. If you are not responsible for this, or if you are and it is already done,
none of that is important because it is in the past and can’t be changed.
Deal with the situation at hand and take those emotions and anger and stuff them. Yeah, I know, but when the sit hits the fan, and it often does, don’t waste time laying blame. Just move on. Solve the fucking thing .
Totally your fault my youngest’s oxygen alarm has been waking me up in the night! Wow! At least I don’t have to wonder what’s/who’s to blame anymore. Takes a load off my mind! Also, your fault if anyone reads this and finds it inappropriate that I would joke about my daughter’s health rather than the desperate cries from a tired, stressed out mom.
Why did you think it was such a “good idea” to buy only healthy food that has to be chopped and prepared and cooked, like with recipes, at the grocery store this weekend? Now it is Tuesday after work and there is nothing to eat! Guess we’ll have oraganic cereal, thanks a lot
J’accuse!!! YOU were the one who knocked that wire down into my driveway during that horrible storm on Sunday (which by the way was your fault). AND YOU have not yet put it back into place and I cannot get my car out of the garage for 3 DAYS because of you. FIX IT!!!
Nice one, Bloggess. Thanks for forgetting to pick up my kid from Lego Club.
It’s your fault I didn’t record all my food yesterday! it’s also your fault I have to do laundry tonight.
So, I get to blame you for my new boyfriend’s roommate’s sick mom (whew!) moving in with them, thereby effectively cancelling all “sleepovers” for the forseeable future???? Thanks Jenny, just went the dry spell had ended…
All those little details for the big project that just didn’t get done, it’d be great if you would take the hit for those.
So that’s why my crafting stuff cost so much today!
So you thought it was ok to go drinking at the beer joint with my grandma. Would it have killed you to keep her out of the bar fight? I know she likes it but, geez; sometimes you gotta do what’s best for a person and ignore what they want.
Girl – I adore you. You are completely innocent of all charges, accusations, abominations, and ne’er do well wishes. Not only are you not to blame – you are a glowing light in the distance to remind us all that, yes, in fact, it will all be okay.
I stand with you – my dear – in solidarity – to accept that people need absolution….. maybe we should assign penance? Just something to think about…..
Much love & I’m totally with you (hiding in the bathroom of course)…..
the bloggess absolutely refuses to make the decision on whether or not i should have the genetic testing for the breast cancer gene done.
I blame the Bloggess for showing us how awesome it is to help others (Red Dress, Depression Lies, etc.). We love you, Jenny!
Jenny, I always love your blog and the comments section. Today the commenters are on fire. Thanks everyone for a day filled with snorts and giggles.
I blame don’t blame you for nothin! I blame you for everthin! Good one Jenny.
I blame the Bloggess for my home internet being down!!!
Made me eat all those damn chocolate covered pretzels from Costco. It’s all your fault Bloggess. Shame on you. Shame.
I blame you for making me laugh every time I read your posts. I blame you for starting my day with a smile and a chuckle at random times throughout the day. Thank you.
Where the f*ck did you put my black wool coat – the one with my credit card in the pocket? CONFESS!
Where did you put my marriage license Bitch?
I knew it was your fault my kid has a booger and won’t sleep!
And did you steal that stroller from the Children’s Museum with the lady’s and kid’s jackets in there? I’m sure they’d blame you for that, too.
Thanks….I’m stuck watching the Doctor Who-a-thon and not getting anything else done. I really appreciate you stepping up to take the blame on this.
Broke my air conditioner ($5500 to get a new one) and my tooth ($5000+ to get implant) – pay up!!! You don’t really read all these comments, do you? Because if you did, I don’t think you’d have time to do anything else.
It’s your fault I have to pee but am too lazy to get up! How dare you!
I blame you for almost choking to death from laughter while reading your book.
I went to have blood drawn today and as I thanked the nurse and got up, I farted a little WITH ABSOLUTELY NO WARNING! Thanks a damn lot for making me feel 94 years old!
Blame me, not you. But notice me. Please.
I blame you for showing me that I am not anxiety’s bitch, but rather, anxiety is mine. Thank you.
Thanks an f’ing lot Bloggess! I woke up to not one but TWO unexpected bank drafts that YOU made me forget about, which left me with no money to stop at Starbucks – where I’m the MAYOR – that’s right, I’m that cool on FourSquare. How could you you be so damn forgetful?! Gawd Bloggess, the mayor couldn’t get her frappucino…
Will the poster be up in the store this week? I want one.
Jenny, I can’t BELIEVE you got me fired! WTH lady! AND you pooped on the floor in front of the tv two nights in a row (might’ve been the dog)
Whew! I feel lighter!
Wait a minute…maybe I could blame you for Rob Ford. But that’s actually too good for him. So I’ll just stick with wanting a poster.
Sigh, I used to love you Jenny. But now I hear you did the voodoo that gave my kid and I both fevers on the same day, and me a temp with no sick time? Sigh. Now I need to make good juju to undo it all! (Good juju in this house is crack hot chocolate: http://www.burnhamandmills.com/products/Silly-Cow-Chocolate-Truffle.html. Whip it up with some real milk and cinnamon, with whip cream on top!
Oh, so you were the one who was supposed to get all of my homework done for the day and call the grad schools I’m applying to to see when they want my transcripts? Dammit, woman, this isn’t a game. GET INTO GEAR, HERE.
Tagged my car hood with the word “Casper.” In beige spraypaint.
Nice to know who did it.
I knew it wasn’t my fault that I fell asleep on the couch for two hours after dinner tonight instead of doing work! And my boss will be relieved to hear that all the (many, many) times I’ve been late to work, I actually had a perfectly good reason: you! I’m not sure exactly what you did, but it definitely made me late. A bunch.
god damn you Jenny if my uterine biopsies come back positive and i have cancer (for real) it is SO your fault. but if it come back negative, thank you.
My cat is overweight, and it’s YOUR fault because you won’t play String with her.
The dust bunnies in my house have grown so large they’ve formed their own egalitarian societies and now demanding taxation without representation. And it’s because YOU didn’t keep up with the hoovering.
I hope you’re happy, missy.
The irony of this entire situation, is that I just wrote a blog on people being “Addicted to the Drama” – on eof my points was they blamed someone else. Thank you – and I do mean this sincerely, for being the person to blame. After all, sometimes, it’s better to blame. Thank you! http://dnlsumeradventures.blogspot.com/2013/11/addicted-to-drama.html
thanks a hell of a lot for making me call in sick to work this morning. And also for making me spend it all in bed. You should have been forcing me to clean my bloody home office/studio. But nooooo, you made me sleep.. What a fucking waste of a mental health day bitch! (But I think I needed it so thanks?)
So YOU’RE the reason I couldn’t sleep last night! I am so not telling my wife that! 😉
i had to work today. and it was my day off. but two managers called me (almost at the same time… i’m on the phone with one. and i know what that stockroom looks like–like you can’t find anything because there are way too many boxes–and we’ve got that visit, but it’s my damned day off, and if i work, it’ll be a seven day stretch, and i really don’t wanna say yes, but i find myself saying, albeit begrudgingly, “yeah, i’ll come in.” and i click off her phone call to find that the other call is yet another manager (desperate, much?) to whom i crankily say, “i just told so-and-so i’ll come in.”
i just wanted to sit on my ass and do nothing today. thanks a lot.
I blame the Bloggess for making me stay late at work when I had a write-in I wanted to get to. Thanks a LOT 😛
I blame the Bloggess for making me go to the Texas Women’s Conference. All except for the part where this lady named Jenny Lawson spoke. I take all the credit for that.
I am going to save this for a different day as today didn’t go too badly. Maybe tomorrow you will make my kids ornery. Or my car run funny. Or the dog pee on the floor. But today was a normal, meh, kind of day with no blame really needed.
So you it was you who egged me on to eat that (almost) entire seasonal bar of coconut mint milk chocolate, huh? I knew there was some reason. 🙂 Actually, I’m powerless against mint-chocolate combos, so I can’t really blame that on you. I’m the one who said Oo! And picked it up and put it in my shopping cart. I blame shopping psychology that makes the ends of the aisles so tempting. It got me again. But you made me eat it. 🙂 I feel so much better now.
Had an awesome day, thanks for being my safety net. 🙂
I blame you for this article! Because wine!
Ooooohhh! So YOU’RE the one responsible for the altercation between my daughter and I. You know, the one on her 16th b-d. At her birthday dinner. At the fancy steak house. Right between the fucking filet mignon and creme brulee. Where she looked me in the eye, waggled her finger back and forth between us, and said “This right here, this relationship, this is fucked up.” Sweet! I was completely taken unawares, and it couldn’t have possibly been my sweet little pretty pretty princess. So relieved to know it was ALL YOUR FAULT. Which forces me to say: Jenny, this relationship here, this relationship, this is fucked up.
You are 100% at fault why a Zombie Jackalope is hanging on my living room wall; and yes, with glowing red eyes.