Spellcheck is a lie.

I was just congratulating myself on the fact that the last 10 posts I’ve written have been immediately applauded by spellcheck as having “NO MISSPELLINGS FOUND.”  And I thought, “My God, I’ve finally done it.  I AM A REAL WRITER.”  Then I realized that that was pretty unlikely.  So I tried something else…

Der dee doopy doo schloop.  Moopy croodadoo.  Hey, spellcheck.  Are you even listening?  Because I don’t think you are.

Schnurple durple fundacunt.

Lipslaver umbrellican.

Catswalloger liberry time!

And then I ran spellcheck.

Well, dammit.

I initially suspected that spellcheck had reached self-awareness and was beginning to sabotage the world.  Starting with blogs, apparently.  But then I thought that it more likely that spellcheck just got tired of me just making up my own words and killed itself.  Or maybe it’s just drunk.  In fairness, I probably would be too if I had to spellcheck this blog. I usually have to be fairly sloshed  just to write it.

Touché, spellcheck.  Touché, indeed.

155 thoughts on “Spellcheck is a lie.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. yeah, but spellcheck didn’t think chupacabra was a word, either, so you already knew it was bullshit. you just wanted to believe, and that’s okay. we all want to believe.

  2. Still working with Word 2003, so it keeps missing words like Facebook, Twitter, bloging, texting…is very funny. Never put that much stock in spellcheck to begin with…

  3. It just has recognized that you have the power to add new words to the vernacular and has learned better than to question you. …Victor should be so wise.

  4. Shakespeare didn’t have a spellcheck that worked either and look at where that got us.

    Bloodstained champion remorseless of varied torture of mountaineer.

  5. My wife wasn’t feeling too good so I texted her asking if she wanted some white rice. Autocorrect tried to tell me that I should offer her some white roses. Not the same! Especially when you consider that my wife hates getting flowers because you just watch them die. She thinks they are a waste of money. Which leads me to think Autocorrect is trying to ruin my marriage. Curse you, Autocorrect!!!

  6. I suspect your spellcheck and mine must be in contact. Mine isn’t quite that bad but it is getting there quickly.

  7. The beauty of all spell checks nowadays is that they are “self-learning”.. so it’s just learned to speak Bloggess and therefore understands that words it may have once questioned, are in fact the words you intended.

    Just like my iphone thinks I wanted to text my mom about drugging my puppy… which by the way is no where near what I actually tried to text!

  8. I recently had the opposite experience with spellcheck… it couldn’t spell simple words like ‘too’ or ‘and’ or ‘content’. I think spellcheck is just drunk. I mean, its a terrible job, correcting people all the time, always being an asshole with the red squiggle lines all over my beautifully written page. I’d drink too!

  9. We just added “selfie” to the dictionary….. the English language is a lost cause, so maybe your spellcheck retired early…. Or joined my cell phone’s autocorrect for a 10-martini lunch….

  10. Umm…”fundacunt” is totally a word, though it needs hyphens. It may also be a philanthropic organization. And if it isn’t, it totally should be.

  11. Might as well go back to manual typewriters if we can’t count on spellcheck. This bites.

    And I think you used ‘Lipslaver umbrellican’ improvertly amnihaps.

  12. I gave up on spell check. I reckon Southern folks just have their own vocabulary. I was fixin to use spell check on my blog but there aint always words as good as ours.

  13. “No misspellings found” does not mean “no misspellings exist.”

    CNN uses a fact validator by the same company. It always returns a similar dialog saying, “No inaccuracies found.”

  14. I think our spell checks are teaming up. Or maybe there is something in the air in SA. I submitted something for my creative writing class thinking that spell check would have my back. Half because I left it to the last minute and half because I was being lazy. And it was a not so good. Really I shouldn’t leave things to the last minute but also I should proofread. Also computers are asswholes

  15. I find it amusing that many of the words you tried to use as fake words are actually realy. I am also getting a kick out of the fact that apparently not only does “fundacunt” bring up results in Google, but that Google thinks that it is grammatically equivalent to “fundapussy”:

    http://imgur.com/j3yTb8h

  16. Security blanket wasn´t a word untill Charles Schultz made it up either. It´s a language in the making. Feel free to contribute 🙂

  17. Mine keeps autocorrecting to “penis” in places that really have NO BUSINESS with penis’ in them.

    Most recently it was “friend” though I can see how those too things could get confused if I was a dude. BUT I AM NOT A DUDE.

    I just assumed a long time ago autocorrect hates me. I take it VERY personal.

  18. Okay… my Word Press spell check has been doing the same thing for months, as I found out when I re-read a post and found the word “bawement”. As in, “We head to the bawement when there is a tornado.” Also, I can’t adjust the size of my pictures, like reduce them by a certain percentage. So either my shit is all up in ya bidness, or you have to use a high power telescope to see my picture. Damn you, Word Press, DAMN YOU! *shakes fist at sky, shrugs and takes nap*

  19. spell check is a dick. it doesn’t tell you when you use an incorrect word and then publish a book and then have to fix it and republish it.

  20. As an old programmer, I know that it is possible to make software have a stroke.
    Good work, my dear!

  21. On Open Office, my spellcheck and autoc omplete seem to work hand in hand. So at least one word I misspelled a lot once was the auto complete for awhile.

    It also tries to auto complete “Motherfucker” every time I type “Mother.” I’m not sure where it learned that language. >.>

  22. Ok, those words are fantastic! I especially like fundacunt.

    Your computer’s catching the misspellings, even if WordPress isn’t. It looks like you might be on a Mac, so you can select all the text, right-click, and tell it to spell check it. Or, just right-click the red-underlined words and see what it suggests.

  23. My spellchecker tells me words like “tree” and “hug” are misspelled. It makes me question my rudimentary spelling skills. (Oh sure…you can spell rudimentary, but you can’t spell tree?!?)

  24. Actually, amazingly enough you can actually write in another language! It’s called noitacilppa. You are like Harry Potter who can speak Parseltongue an didn’t even know it! Since you don’t really speak the language you can type I won’t tell you what you actually said, however it involves a camel, a pool noodle and three penguins…Can you even say these things on the internets?

  25. Maybe Victor sneaks into your Spellcheck Dictionary and adds words he thinks you might make up. It could happen.

  26. I agree:”Schnurple durple fundacunt.” is a fantastic cuss! Thank you! Also: I sort of love the sound of “Lipslaver Umbrellican”. Spell check is a bastard a lot. Especially when you realize your kindle spellchecker must have been installed by John Cleese attempting to teach grammar. ROMANI ITE DOMUM! Aluminium. Colour. 🙂

  27. Are you raising money via “fundacunt”? If it’s not a word, it should be!

  28. Spellcheck may be an ass but it’s an ass with a sense of humor. I once ordered hard drives for our IT guys. Instead of ordering “ten hard disks” I sent a purchase request to Corporate for “ten hard dicks.” Still waiting for the order to arrive.

  29. Reading that was like I could ALMOST understand it. Sort of like listening to someone speaking Spanish and you pick up the occasional something that sounds like a word you know.

    My company recently changed its name to Leidos (retarded new name, I know). And my WORK email tells me its wrong every freaking time I send an email. We’re a software company…surely to GOD we have someone who can fix that. you’d think.

  30. I remember that stupid paper clip guy from the old Windows programs! *tap* *tap* …and he’d zooooom in to quip some stupid advice. I always wished I could smack him.

    Maybe your spellcheck is just like “whatever” and has given up. I think mine has.

  31. Runkeeper was drunk the other day as well and if it was to be believed I walked miles and miles and MILES, instead of just up the road and back. I quite liked drunk runkeeper, it was much less shouty than sober runkeeper.

  32. OK, this totally happened to me at work. MS Word just decided to STOP working. Our IT team didn’t believe me until I threw such a loud tantrum they sent someone to look at it. The only thing he said was, ‘huh,’ took my computer and held it hostage for 2 weeks. Spell check is a dick. So is the IT department.

  33. Well, that sucks! As far as I know my blog spellcheck is behaving a little better than that (though it tries to tell me that my made-up/ slag words are wrong. I ignore it.)

    I find the best way to really proof read something is to print it out. Waiting a few days helps a lot too, but you can’t really do that with blogging (unless you’re suuuuuper organised and let’s face it, who is that organised?). Also helpful loved ones who’ll read your stuff with a pencil in hand.

  34. Yesterday autocorrect didn’t fix “furnice” to “furnace” and I looked like an IDIOT. Meanwhile, a couple of days before, it changed “hot chocolate” to “hot jock latte” and then I didn’t know *what* I wanted.

    What the fuck autocorrect? Why are you even there?

  35. Next time I get into an argument with someone, I’m totally going to call them a “lipslaver umbrellican.”

  36. I usually have the opposite problem of spell check insisting certain words aren’t real words. Then I start to have all kinds of self doubt and run sprinting to Merriam-Webster.com to prove I’m not an idiot. Just because you have the vocabulary of a 3rd grader doesn’t mean I’m wrong, Spell Check. Now, back off.

  37. Jenny, i love your spellcheck. Just think of all the new words you can create and blame on spellcheck!

  38. My spell check refuses to accept the Queens English! So I stopped asking the bitch…. spellcheck that is. I would never call the Queen a bitch, I’m a good convict!

  39. Oh, spellcheck. On a barely related note, I never realized how much I cursed until my first week with my new phone was spent adding every bad word I knew to my phone’s autocorrect dictionary. Though it did get me wondering as to what exactly my phone thinks is happening in my life that might cause me to tell my friend that everything’s really ducked up.

  40. Funny ,
    Maybe the spellcheckers is a Drunk Redneck from West Texas , that never learned to spell , because the English Teacher was a football coach.

  41. First the cake was a lie, now spellcheck is a lie. I’m going to the kitchen to put my head in the oven. It’s an electric oven, but it’s the thought that counts.

  42. I’m thinking of doing a post using only my voice activated note taker and NOT correcting it at all. Half the time my brilliant thoughts are reduced to bad haikus. Between the words it chooses not to write and the spelling it should be interesting. Most of the time I speak in bad haikus anyway…

  43. Good to know that spellcheck is a quitter…. because I KNOW I’ve been spelling words wrong (but like words that should not be as hard as I’m making them) and somehow they always slip through. Maybe! Spellcheck is single handedly trying to create a society where no one gives a fuck about spelling because Spellcheck wants to collect retirement!!! That’s definitely it.

  44. Maybe you have argued with it so many times it has just given you a lifetime pass? Or maybe it’s just become passive aggressive. Or perhaps it’s related to my douchy iPhone autocorrect – he’s a total dick.

  45. Mine does that lately too and I’m dyslexic. I think it might be using French-Canadian language, coupled with the self-learning software. If I spell the same thing wrong several times, it adds it as a new word and quits correcting it. Soon it will spell like me. I’m so sorry for your loss.

  46. I hate it when I’m typing something on Facebook and Facebook underlines words I *know* are spelled correctly. Then I’m all, WTF is your deal, Facebook?

    Please tell me I’m not the only one.

    (You are not alone. ~ Jenny)

  47. I once hit some magical combination of keys that accidentally switched my spell-check into French. Suddenly words all SORTS of words I was pretty sure I knew how to spell were branded with the red squiggles of doom.

    TO THIS DAY I have not figured out what I did to switch it, but I think it was some random garble of words like the ones you typed to test your spell-checker. So. Maybe we have a theory, is all I’m sayin.

    Keep on rockin’ the awesome,
    Julie

  48. Spellcheck also gets mad when I write things like “neighbour” and “colour” the proper (ie. Canadian) way, so yeah, spellcheck is useless 😉

  49. Glad to see that I’m not the only one that spell check has a vendetta against. Dear Spell Check: You do realize that you’re creating an army of anti-spell-checkers, right?

  50. You know what’s even more annoying? When you try and misspell something and it keeps correcting you. “Just give me the damn red squiggly line and let me move on already!!” She yelled at the spell checker dude or lady 🙂

  51. I’d just assumed that you’d previously told Spellcheck that all those words were legitimate and they’d since been added to the Spellcheck dictionary. That would then mean that, in your computer, none of those words are incorrect because you already said they weren’t.
    Even if that is the case, though, we need to blame Spellcheck.
    For everything.

  52. God I can’t even remember life before spell check…when people used things called dictionaries. I never understood dictionary anyways, you have to know how to start spelling the word to find it!

  53. Spellcheck may be secretly owned by Cyberdyne — and this may be the first sign that computers are just self-aware enough to enjoy fucking with us. Next thing you know, they’ll be rewriting your posts and Tweeting when you’re asleep. Damn Terminators!

  54. fundacunt SHOULD be a word. for a certain type of fundamentalist religious person? ooh, did i say that?

  55. Towards the end of National Novel Writing Month, I noticed that Word’s spellcheck just gave up and started to protest “Too many misspelled words to continue checking.”

  56. and spellcheck won’t help if you leave the L our of “public. Just ask the 45 parents I sent a message to re: the pubic display our organization was organizing for their children.

  57. Schnurple Durple Fundacunt. Isn’t she the one who’s all upset about sexism in the gaming industry after sitting behind two guys? Wait, never mind, that’s Anita something.

  58. Funny….autocorrect on my iPhone is hypersensitive and your spell check doesn’t work at all… Maybe autocorrect is sucking all the assholiness from the air and that’s why your spell check isn’t working…

  59. Believe it or not I found every one of those words on Google. They are all listed on a website called: “Spellcheck is a lie. — TheBloggess.com” Check it out – I’m telling the truth. So, you see your spellcheck is working perfectly. (Although I do have to mention that Spellcheck in this comment, showed “Spellcheck” to be incorrectly spelled.

  60. Well, to be fair, when you tell spell check that “stabby” is a real word, it usually commits suicide, like several English Teachers.

    Hence why I am no longer an English major. Because “stabby” is a fucking excellent word.

  61. It’s funny because I actually wrote a blog post on this topic not long ago. We all rely on spellcheck to correct our work but it just isn’t enough. It’s crazy how often I see typos when I’m reading something, whether it’s an article or I’m looking at a poster in a store. There’s no rule saying you can’t use spell check. I actually think running spell check is important when you’re typing up a document. But it definitely should not be your only means of proofreading what you write. Learned that the hard way.

  62. Jenny – while you were hugging koalas Down Under (yikes, that sounds unintentionally dirty), did they make any noises?

    Apparently, at least during mating season, they produce noises which, according to researchers, “alternately sound like a donkey braying and a frog vomiting.” Of course, when I played the sound clip accompanying the article in which I read this, it sounded to me more like a really SEVERE case of flatulence, so maybe the researchers were just trying to be polite. 😀

    http://www.nbcnews.com/science/heres-why-koalas-sound-frogs-vomiting-during-mating-season-2D11684034

  63. Oh dear. I rely on spellchecker to help me be a passable writer! If she is failing in her duties… someone is going to realize I can’t spell half of the words I write… and yes spellchecker has to be a she… the cow is moody.

  64. I always ignore spellcheck anyway because I don’t like anyone telling me what to do. And it doesn’t like my too frequent use of the word anyhoo… and now, after today, lipslaver.

  65. My son was showing me a word game he was playing with his friend on their phones. I commented “that isn’t a real word and neither is that one,” to which he replied “yes, in this game they are.” So, I guess spelling, much like everything else in the world, is all relative.

  66. Look, Jenny, I think you should know that those words were so ridiculously funny that the spellchecker was probably snickering too hard to genuinely spellcheck.

  67. Pretty sure this happened to me earlier when I attempted to write “uroborous.” I was pretty proud that I had spelled it correctly but, no. I still really have no clue whether this is correct. I also have one tattooed on my arm. Did I even spell “tattooed” correctly? *facepalm*

  68. 1) Let’s start a petition w/ Mirriam Webster to add “fundacunt” to the dictionary, I’m tired of them adding stupid words like “bling” or “forschizzelmynizzel” – that last one may not actually be true.

    2) I gave up on spellcheck a long time ago. Grammarly is pretty good, I would love the paid version that accesses my brain and writes blogs for me, but alas I blew my budget on dictionaries already.

  69. I think “fundacunt” might be my new favorite word. I think I am going to start a site with that name where I ask for donations towards my world travels.

  70. OMG, the comments are hilarious! I think every tech-equipped human today fights the spell checker/auto-correct/predictive text features on our devices. For some reason, my iphone always changes “that” to “twat”. Which is weird, because I’ve never normally used that word. Although I may start using fundacunt.

    Maybe all spell checkers are bi-polar. They have good days and bad days.

  71. The owner of our company is named “Gord”. Whenever I draft a document either to him or cc’ed to him, the spell check tells me that his name is spelled wrong (as it did this time too) and suggests I call him either “God” or “gourd”. I pointed this out to him one day and actually showed him on a document I was creating when he visited our office one day. I asked him (he has a pretty good sense of humour) which he preferred to be called – the omnipotent creator of the universe or a vegetable – and he responded : “Just call me ‘God’.” From then on, whenever he called and I answered the phone he would start the conversation with; “Good morning Paul. God here.” It can be a bit disconcerting hearing that when you’re not expecting it.

  72. On the off-chance you, or anyone, wants to know how to fix that problem…. You were at the end of your document when you hit “spellcheck” and it only checks to the end of the document. (I think you can change this setting somewhere.) Therefore, place your cursor at the beginning of your document and run spellcheck again.

  73. I gave up on spellcheck when I discovered that whoever came up with the dictionary had failed to include ANY plurals, which has, I’m certain, led to the preponderance of misused apostrophes in America today. People would correctly use the plural, but Word told them it was “wrong” and suggested the possessive, instead. Which was cheerfully accepted, and now I see signs which read “Curtain’s” or “Birthday’s” and want to run around with a bottle of liquid paper screaming like a crazy woman as I blot out ALL THE INCORRECT APOSTROPHES.

    So, in conclusion, yes, spellcheck is a bitch.

  74. So what does it mean when even Spellcheck says “Bitch, I can not handle this shit any more. You’re on your own.”? Although I notice Spellcheck keeps highlighting the word Spellcheck in this comment. Way to go, Spellcheck. Maybe your ego is what needs checking. Argh!

  75. “fund a cunt” I don’t know why that’s the thing that stuck with me from that post… but it was. Don’t hate me.

  76. You know who else made up a shitload of imaginary words? Shakespeare, that’s who. Like eyeball, obsequiously, elbow, rant, premeditated, puking and zany. ‘Oh lackluster lover, I hereby schnurple your durple with my fundacunt.’ See? Totally legit.

  77. Spellcheck appears to be much more complicated than we originally thought. It’s like a big ball of wibbly wobbly, timey wimey stuff. Or perhaps it’s just pissed that we’ve been misspelling it’s name this entire time. Apparently it’s two words. Spell check.

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