Jesus would probably think this was hilarious. Or he’d drown us.

Victor:  So, apparently a store accidentally labeled The Bible as fiction.  People are pissed.

me:  Huh.  Jesus probably did it on purpose so that non-Christians would find it in the romance section.  That guys was always switching stuff.  Water to wine.  And…um…?

Victor:  Water into a plank?

me: A plank?

Victor:  Well, what do you think he was standing on when he walked on water?

me:  Wow.  There were a lot of water-focused miracles in Jesus land.  He was like the water-based Wonder Twin.  “FORM OF WINE!”

Victor:  “FORM OF A PLANK!”

me:  I don’t actually think Jesus walked a plank.  I think you’re confusing Jesus with pirates again.

Victor:  And then there was that one time he made hungry fisherman catch too many fish.

me:  Right.  Still water-based.  But more like AquaMan.  Basically he made them catch so many fish that their nets were totally destroyed.  Worst. Miracle. Ever.

Victor:  I don’t think you’re supposed to judge miracles.

me:  You think those people didn’t judge that miracle?  “Oh, Jesus.  We don’t have any fish.  Oh, and now we also don’t have a net.  Awesome.  Thanks Jesus.”

Victor:  I think we need to stop having this conversation.

me:  Because we might get plagued with a plumbing-based “miracle”?

Victor:  Or possibly get hit by a plank.

me:  That doesn’t really seem like something Jesus would do.  Then again, after fucking up those fisherman’s nets it’s hard to tell.

Victor:  He’s an enigma, that one.

143 thoughts on “Jesus would probably think this was hilarious. Or he’d drown us.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. You’ve read “Lamb” by Christopher Moore, right? Because he totally nailed Jesus. Uhm… Well.. I mean he totally got Jesus. Like, it’s a good story. Totally should read it. Uhm. Yeah.

  2. Oh, I love that it was Costco. I just adore the POW of it. And, of course, a pastor found it. How very American of him to complain instead of giggle. I would have done the latter and slipped it into the erotica section (is there an erotica section in Costco? The mind boggles)…or perhaps the children section. Maybe right between the two? Let’s just say Costco would have a different layout if I had my way…and there wasn’t a chance I’d get arrested or beaten half to death by little old ladies.

  3. I think what’s really going to piss (again with the liquids!) him off is being compared to the lamest of all super heroes.

  4. I don’t know…I keep my Bible stuff on the top shelf of my bookcase with the rest of my religious books: I have a loose interpretation of “religious” so many of them would be considered mythologies. Shrug.

    I do think it’s pretty sad that the pastor got all fussy about it instead of amused. Jesus always seemed to me to be a dude who found humor in the little things.

  5. The problem with SO many fish…fishes…fishies?… is that there’s leftovers. My family can only eat leftovers for one time. After three days, both fish and relatives stink. JUST KIDDING, MOM!

  6. I would love to see a podcast of you and Victor having one of these conversations. It would be amazing and hilarious.

  7. I think Tim Minchin covered Jesus as a superhero in “Woody Allen Jesus”. If my DH ever kicks it, I will totally move to England to stalk TIm.

  8. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

    About 3 weeks ago I found out that my job was being eliminated for budget reasons.
    A job I have had for 13 years.
    A job where I have basically run the place for 13 years.
    Needless to say, not a good 3 weeks.

    So this morning, I caught up on your blogs for the last 3 weeks.
    And I laughed again!
    I love you, Jenny, and your amazingly warped sense of humor. (Which I think kind of says something about my amazingly warped sense of humor as well.)

  9. Lets not forget … Jesus also rides on the dashboards of our cars 😉

    Off Topic – Jenny .. saw this and thought of you. A Freaking Chess set made w/ taxidermist mice! How is this not awesome??!!
    http://www.etsy.com/listing/169081997/taxidermy-mouse-chess-set-wooden-board?ref=sr_gallery_20&ga_search_query=taxidermy+mouse&ga_order=date_desc&ga_view_type=gallery&ga_ship_to=US&ga_all=1&ga_page=3&ga_search_type=all&ga_facet=taxidermy+mouse

  10. Holly Briley beat me to it. I saw that and thought, “How is it that the Bloggess has not yet purchased this incredible item?”

  11. Hilarious.
    Dad works in mysterious ways though (apparently) so he might drown you.

    P.s. There is wine in hell so all you guys will be fine.

  12. That should probably be the churche’s new catch phrase. I think it would draw more people in than their old catch phrase.

    “That guy, Jesus, is an enigma” gives him a Twilight aura that is very pupular with the kids today.

  13. I think the combo of Zan (the Wonder Twin who can change into water in any state) and Aquaman is the best superhero ever. You can ride around on that huge seahorse. Zaquaman! PS I thought seahorses were mythical until I was an adult, and when I found out they were real I cried I was so happy.

    (AquaZan. This comic needs to happen. ~ Jenny)

  14. Victor likes to pretend you are the crazy one, then things like this happen and we can see you two are well matched.

  15. this post is the best possible start to the day. although now, i have to worry about plumbing-based miracles…

  16. I second Amanda Kennedy. If you haven’t read Lamb by Christopher Moore, you should. It’s hilarious. My husband is not one to laugh out loud at things he reads, but that book had him rolling.

  17. Another real news update by THE BLOGGESS with co-anchor VICTOR! (would you like to adopt me)

  18. If there was just more wine around in the world, I think Jesus would have been more wine-focused than water-focused because that makes sense to everyone reading this.

  19. What i love most is that not a single comment was filled with religious rage, this is most assuredly the best tribe in the world.

    (Amen. None of us takes any of us seriously. That’s the real key to a successful community. ~ Jenny)

  20. Proper miracle ettiquete dictaces that you cannot criticize a miracle in progress. Bonus points if you get the reference. 😀

  21. I third the suggestion that people read Lamb. (Can I third something?) That book is hilarious! And you guys are hilarious, too! I love reading your conversations.

  22. I absolutely love that you allow me to be a fly on the wall when you and Victor talk. Don’t worry Jenny, I think Jesus has a pretty awesome sense of humor. You are funny and He knows it. (clap your hands?-sorry couldn’t help myself) Water is life you know, I don’t think it coincidence that so many miracles involve water.

    PS. I never told Victor about you not checking the mail for 2 days
    PPSS the bear coat. you need it. I know.

  23. I just sent a bag of angry bees out in the name of my niece. I blamed this on you, natch. And I donate time, money, etc throughout the year to our local homeless folks. I feel like I should post a resume of charity-giving to get one of these cards.

    You rock, dear heart.

  24. You and Victor are obviously very spiritual people. Jesus works His way into ALL of your conversations…whether they are about fishes, vampires, zombies or grammar.

  25. And then there was the miracle of the lepers. They had to wash in a river first. Another water miracle.

  26. See I always thought it was water into whine………..as in ‘dammit Jesus, we’re thirsty not dirty, and this water is probably full of leprosy and we demand hard liquor or you aren’t the boss anymore’. So basically wine cures leprosy and that’s a top scoring miracle if ever there was one

  27. i don’t understand why people give Jesus such a hard time. he’s the best guy to invite to a party. endless wine and bread. healing of gonorrhea. wait, that was leprosy. either way, wine.

  28. From XENOPHOBIA AND THE JEWISH DRUID (as it is now performed, not as it is recorded on BREVITY, my first CD):

    My father in law is a Southern Baptist Evangelical Preacher. The first time I met him I tormented him over dinner by insistently bringing up Jesus stuff and deliberately getting it wrong.
    I told him I had always admired Jesus for his immortality and his ability to turn into a bat when threatened.
    He said, “You’re thinking of Dracula.”
    I said, “You could be right. But there was something about drinking blood in there, wasn’t there?”
    I said, “What was his super power again?”
    He said, “He fed the masses on fishes and loaves, Dylan.”
    I said, “Sandwich making? That’s kind of a lousy super power.”
    He said, “It’s not a super power. It was a miracle.”
    I said, “Sandwich making. That’s not much of a miracle. I’ve done that miracle.”

    That is all

    Dylan

  29. As a Born Again, Bible Thumpin’, Jesus Lovin’ Christian I am laughing my hiney off! Hey, folks have been pushing Santa as real, then going “psyche, we lied” to kids for generations, and we all fell for it. Maybe we should put the Bible in with the fiction, and then go “psyche, it’s real!”

  30. “I think you’re confusing Jesus with pirates again.” That pretty much sums up the philosophy behind this entire blog, doesn’t it?

  31. Wait, Jesus isn’t a pirate?! Are you sure? I think we need to investigate this further. Due to his miracle abilities, its not like he ever had to clean, cook or run errands, which means he had a lot of spare time to dabble in some light high seas treachery.

  32. I believe that God has a good sense of humour and would be laughing at this conversation too. If he doesn’t have a good sense of humour, I know a lot of people who won’t be happy when they get to the pearly gates….

  33. JENNY!!! THERE IS A SHOP ON ETSY THAT WILL MAKE YOU YOUR VERY OWN TAXIDERMIED MICE CHESS SET!!! THE STORE NAME IS TheCurious13…you are welcome and happy holidays! Sorry for the yelling and that this post was off topic…Jesus would probably think this was cool too…or not…

  34. Oh thank you both so much just for being YOU!!!
    I think Jesus would be proud that his legacy has led to a conversation like that. He would definitely have raised a glass of wine to you both!!

  35. but… i mean, the book section in costco…. it’s not like a barnes & noble. isn’t the bible there in the ‘religion and metaphysical’ sections? next to the books on druids and wicca? it’s costco. my local costco locations basically have big ass tables as the ‘book section’. it’s like a book sale in a church basement, but the stacks are a bit messier. from what i can tell, the sections on the costco book tables are: fiction, non fiction, children’s, cookbooks. that’s it. i don’t see anything else there.

    also, jesus and planking makes perfect sense. have you seen that guy’s abs?

  36. The Read Sea, the Jordan River, the Flood, the Living Water…. I think you are on to something…. and I totally think Jesus would think this is pretty hilarious. Or, at least I think it’s hilarious. And I like to say that I follow Jesus, so I think he would think it’s hilarious too. But he is an enigma, so… careful around water.

  37. There are probably only no toilet-based miracles because they didn’t have any. If they had, I’m sure J-Dawg would’ve found a way. Or sinks. He wasn’t picky, it seems.

  38. I just finished your book and was laughing the whole time. I constantly tell my boyfriend he must be prepared for the zombie apocalypse and to decide on a skill set that will help defend ourselves. I struggle with anxiety as well and my boyfriend and I are pretty opposite, but he understands my humor and weirdness. You really made a relatable book that I enjoyed. Thank you!

  39. I’ve always thought Jesus would have a great sense of humor. That’s why he’s on my fantasy dinner party list. He’d have listened to your conversation and laughed his head off 🙂

  40. Reading this has cemented for me that I will never be happily married with anyone I can’t have this kind of conversation with.

    FORM OF A LOCH NESS MONSTER

  41. I always thought Jesus walked in heals. Shitty hebrew school. To think all this time, Jesus walked in a plank. Thank you for clearing that up.
    xo

  42. It’s so wonderful reading your blogs because sometimes I think my few close friends and I are the only ones with this twisted a sense of humor. Then you both amuse me and prove me wrong.

  43. Thank you Jan and Zayna for The Wonder Twins reference! (As if I wasn’t already fond of you two.)
    You may now enter my circle of friends who still watch Saturday morning cartoons in their pi’s. They call us Legion (of Doom) – for we are many.

  44. ” think you’re confusing Jesus with pirates again.” is probably the best sentence I’ve read in at least a month. I wish I could claim that as my own…..

  45. I make my children read all of your Jesus posts. We don’t do the church thing and I think it’s important for them to learn Bible stories. Thanks, Jenny.

  46. I don’t think Jesus would be into planking. Probably owling though. Or, at the very least, ironic Tebowing…

  47. Have you ever read ‘Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal’? I suspect you would enjoy it. 🙂

  48. Apparently, there is a time one should learn to let go of the net. You can always swim down for it later.

    Too soon?

  49. Yeah, but if he’d really been like Aquaman, he’d have ridden a pink seahorse, not a donkey. Just think, we might have been spared the whole Mary Magdalene/Dan Brown epic nonsense if he’d have ridden the pink seahorse (that sounds like SUCH a euphemism). Not to mention yet another Tom Hanks film.

  50. I had a dream the night before last and woke up telling my husband that Jesus invented the Filet of Fish sandwich… Loaves, fishes… sandwich- Filet of Fish! Jesus is really making the rounds this time of year…probably becuase you know, his birthday is coming and he wants to be sure we remember so we get him a present.

  51. I always thought Jesus was made of wood. Which is why he could float. Which I guess would make him the plank.

  52. By the way, you’ve lured me back and created quite the scene due to my continual giggling while perusing your zazzle shop. Hub glared across the table as I announced I wanted one of almost everything. And then he reminded me that’s impossible since we’re broke. Bastard men. The shit still cracked me up. So, know that one day, WHEN – not IF – someone suddenly clears out your zazzle store…I either won the lottery OR I finally finished my book series and it got published by a big 6. But either way, yeah, that will be me. You’re welcome.

  53. i love this! so funny! i was just having a dream last night where i was talking to a bunch of bible thumpers and pissing them off with my questioning the bible. perfect timing.

  54. Ya’ll are too funny and just what I needed today!! Because the state and/or city hasn’t figured out that scraping the slush off the streets today means no icy roads tomorrow, we are having snow day #5 today. I prefer laughter to deal with stress, but the vodka is starting to look great right about now!! 🙂

  55. Walking on water…hard enough to walk on snow and ice up here in Canada where we are freezing to death and slipping all over ourselves. Thank you for brightening up our morning again. Lol.

  56. Oh i needed that laugh. All 3 of us have a nasty cold and are home sick but I’m telecommuting because I have no vacation time left and my next 3 hours of PTO won’t reaccrue until December 17. (Don’t worry, it’s a CorporateOverlord thing and none of us understand it.)

    My contribution is a couple of favorite Tshirts related to something someone said earlier in the comments…

    Jesus saves. But Gretsky gets the rebound! He shoots – he scores!
    Jesus saves…and rolls a natural 20 on his attack of opportunity….how many hit points do you have?

  57. A fun project would be to visit a bookstore weekly and move the Bibles to different sections each time: Romance, How-To, Sci-Fi, Biography, Gay & Lesbian Interest, Cookbooks, Hobbyists, etc.

    OR just go in once, and put one Bible in each of those sections.

    Either way.

  58. As Terry Pratchett noted in his novel Interesting Times, “Whatever happens, they say afterwards, it must have been Fate. People are always a little confused about this, as they are in the case of miracles. When someone is saved from certain death by a strange concatenation of circumstances, they say that’s a miracle. But of course if someone is killed by a freak chain of events : the oil just spilled there, the safety fence just broke there : that must also be a miracle. Just because its not nice doesn’t mean its not miraculous.”

  59. A giant boat with two by two animals of every species on the planet (except kangaroos). A bush that burns and talks to people. A talking snake that makes a woman eat an apple. A man that walks on water. I wonder why it was put in the fiction section? Mmmmm.

  60. Jenny, last night I had a dream that you and I were good friends. In the dream you called me with some kind of emotional crisis, and I helped talk you through it.

    Sorry if that’s creepy or super random! I woke up this morning and felt oddly close to you and you’ve been in my thoughts today. 🙂 I hope you are well!

  61. Is planking like waterboarding? And isn’t waterboarding what they called surfing, before the invention of styrofoam? And isn’t styrofoam the immediate dietary precursor of Kraft Jet-Puffed marshmallow in a jar? And isn’t Jet-Puffed what guys put in their hair when they ran out of Brylcreme and Wildroot so they could seduce chicks? So aren’t umpteen-billionth-gen friggin idiots the indirect result of Jet-Puffed insemination, a sort of latter-day immaculate conception? Follow the honey.

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