Haters gonna get vagina-punched

Conversation with my friend who doesn’t want to be named because she’s afraid of critics and doesn’t know how to punch hard enough:

friend: I don’t understand why people are so upset by critics.

me:   They’re probably just not used to it yet.  You have to develop a layer of “I-have-no-shits-left-to-give-about-this-ness.”

friend:  I think you just have to realize that there will always be critics. Haters gonna hate.

me:  I prefer “Haters gonna get vagina-punched.”

friend:  Seems kinda sexist.  Not all haters have vaginas.

me:  Obviously you’re not punching them hard enough.

friend:  Oh.  Ow.  And awesome.

Clarification:  I do not condone punching people in the junk whenever you’re criticized.  Critics can be amazingly helpful and if you dismiss them out-of-hand you’re denying yourself the chance to improve.  Unless the critics are just being complete dicks and they said something about your mother.  Then you should junk-punch them.  End Clarification.

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And in other news, it’s Sunday, which means its time for the weekly wrap-up:

What you missed in my shop (Named “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

What you missed on the internets:

This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you  by Dayna from Princess Burlap, who blogs to inspire (and sometimes offend).  From Dayna: “Truth is, life can be sweet, salty, sour, bitter and umami, sometimes all at once and that shit is not delicious. But it’s life and it’s such a wild ride, isn’t it? Some days you’ll laugh with me, some days you’ll cry with me (trigger warning), but you’ll always get unbridled, unhinged and unfiltered me. That’s a promise. And a threat.” She’s lovely.  Go visit her.

97 thoughts on “Haters gonna get vagina-punched

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I now know what to do to all the critics without seeming sexist. What a wonderful way to start the week 🙂

  2. “Critics can be amazingly helpful and if you dismiss them out-of-hand you’re denying yourself the chance to improve.”

    See also: English teachers.

    And cats. I’m not sure *how* cats help us improve, but I know that they *do*.

  3. Love the “Oh. Ow. And Awesome.” That’s something I would and have said many a time when confounded by brilliance.

  4. LOL….the thing about most critics (and I repeat this to myself over and over again):
    “The ONLY thing some people have in this world, is an opinion.”
    If that is all they have, let the baby have it’s bottle and tra la la to the rest!! I’ve got STUFF TO DO! T:)

  5. No 2014 calendar? So wanted to give this to my daughter.

    (Working on it this week. ~ Jenny)

  6. Critics can be our best teachers. It has always cracked me up when an author writes a WTF post over a bad review. I’m entering the “cruising for agents” step in the process. I have a shield in one hand my iPad for note-taking in the other. I’m hoping for lightning to strike since this is my first book.

  7. Just spent the last hour visiting Princess Burlap. Thanks for the tip. Adding her to my morning reading ritual.

  8. You know how taking bags of craft store googly eyes and sticking them on stuff in stores or on signs and taking photos is a thing? I kind of want to get ENORMOUS roll of Beartrum sticks and do the same thing, only I want to hide and photograph the joy on people’s faces when they find them…”Honey I just need some adult diapers, HOLY MOTHER OF GOD THESE ARE BEAR DIAPERS! OH just kidding”

  9. Loved the 40 Awkward dogs. So many of them made me laugh.

    I don’t want to spoil the surprise, but do you supposed they received any “serious inquiries”?

  10. I was reading an article on Cracked…it’s Sunday, the kid is watching Disney Jr, and I’m feeling lazy…and at the bottem of the article is an ad for Zazzle using Beartrum. He is everywhere.
    Anyway, thanks for the laughs.

  11. As the Worst Ref Ever, I can’t actually go around junk punching people. I mean sure it would be fun, I have access to hockey sticks too so I don’t even have to get that close. Sadly, the real problem is that there are too many haters of refs so, I just grew a couple layers of dragon scales as I call them.
    http://worstrefeverstuff.blogspot.com/

  12. Wait. Do we punch them in the vagina then, or learn from them? Or, do we take the lesson from the criticism first, and then junk punch??

  13. Day four of being snowed in in NW Arkansas, (seriously? does our town NOT own plows of some sort?!?) and I’m missing the chance to use a 20% off Barnes and Noble coupon. Thank you Mother Nature for thinking I need to live on Hoth for a few days. On the upside, I now know how to respond to critics who are dicks should I ever get brave enough to try to publish any of my writing. The Bloggess, doing a public service in the midst of chaos. 🙂

  14. In case anyone is inerested, the photo they used with the unicorns is from a whole book of gorgeous photos by Robert Vavra… Google his name and check his stuff out!! He is one of my favorite equine photographers. His stuff is just stunning!!!

  15. I don’t junk punch anyone. Although, for clarification, had I not been in shock and deathly grief at the time, I would have junk stabbed WITH MY BEST PEN the Evil DBA who had the temerity to hug me… I just screamed “BAD TOUCH, BAD TOUCH!!” instead. Yeah. Imagine that one… a 54 year old woman screaming “BAD TOUCH!” at work. At the time… not funny. Now? Hysterical.

    So, I don’t bother junk punching people. I put them on my List. And then they die in one of my stories. So far, there are two dead “reporters” (yeah… I don’t know what to call those people who write smack and lies and invade your privacy after a tragedy, so I’m just going to use the quotes instead of going all potty mouth, not that you’d care, but then I’d get riled up again) and a very dead Evil Database Administrator. I feel good about that. There are a few more people who have personally offended me to the point of needing to die (including another “reporter” and at least one more assinine coworker), and then a ginormous list of politicians who will probably all be the residents of Oklahoma City in the far future of an alternate universe when we nuke it. Ah, life is good when you’re a writer.

    Also? Never piss a writer off.

    Also, also? The thoroughly awesome people wind up in stories too… as the good guys who help the protagonists do the things they do to help people. Most of them are patrol persons of another alternate universe’s Denver Police Department. A couple of them are serving on a starship. Yup, even when life sucks, it’s good when you’re a writer.

  16. I seriously want some Unicorn eggs. My granddaughter has them on her Christmas list every year.

  17. ANYONE who resorts to attacking mothers (or Mamaws for that matter) should be placed on a genital hit list. Future generations will thank us for our efforts and learn valuable lessons from their mistakes.

  18. I really needed this post today. Woke up to a passive aggressive note left by my brother. He probably didn’t want to get vagina-punched.

  19. #29 E M Foster – Where in NW Arkansas? We used to live in Russellville. Beautiful part of the state!

    Learning how to give and accept constructive criticism is a skill not many have developed. People who take constructive criticism and try to make it personal piss me off. For the love of Castiel, it’s not about you. It’s about the project/effort.

    I was totally on board with buying a unicorn until I saw how much they cost. I don’t have that kind of money!

  20. I think anyone who is a critic FOR A LIVING has a basic tendency towards douche-y-ness. Doesn’t mean they don’t sometimes have helpful suggestions…just seems to me to be a miserable line of work.

  21. Critics can be very helpful, but not haters. I once wrote a blog called “An open letter to whatever old friend is posting shit on my blog.” It was extremely popular, which makes it hard to figure out which dear old hater friend it was…

  22. one person gave me a 2-star rating and crappy review on goodreads. at first i was crushed – especially since she was a contest winner and i sent her an autographed book with a thank you card.

    thank god goodreads has an automatic pop up when you get a bad review that says something like: “So you got a bad review – take a deep breath – it’s going to be okay…”

    some people are just stingy, mean ol’ spirit snipers. they hate themselves more than anything. and they definitely don’t deserve vaginas.

  23. At my house it’s called a twat shot. Or, if no vagina is involved – a sack tap. Just thought I would expand your vocabulary just in case you ever need it. It’s never too late for new words.

  24. In my less than humble opinion, anyone that can’t handle critics did not have a proper childhood. My worst critics, and the most brutal, has always been members of my own family. I have yet to run across a criticism of me and my work that I can’t say, “I have heard worst things about myself and my work from my own family.”

  25. Thanks. I looked at the 40 awkward dogs with my 4yo and got peed on and had to administer asthma medication because she was laughing so hard. I needed the belly laughs (not so much the asthma, though).

  26. falcon punch. that’s what we call it. i threaten to cup check my husband every time he says something i don’t like. i think it’s starting to lose it’s effectiveness. any suggestions what my next threat should be?

  27. ZOMG – I just realized that Zazzle has a Beyonce replica, so going in my new office!!

    @Steph, I tell my hubby I’ll go to the “complaint department, with a vengance” – use your imagination!

  28. Awesome! I totally would buy a sign up that says “We reserve the right to punch you in the junk” for all critics and rude people.

    I kind of relish deleting critical posts or rude emails (especially from customers), without responding. That way they have no way of knowing–“Did anyone even see my rude email, or did it just disappear into a spam box? Did I waste my time crafting all that rudeness?”

    Now if I could somehow make them also wonder: “Should I be watching for a punch in the junk??”– my week would be complete.

    Thanks for always making me smile!

  29. Back in high school, I was bullied everyday and dreaded each day I had to go to school.

    When I got to college, I came to the realization that there’s only a small handful of people whose opinions really matter. (Who these people are varies from person to person. They might be family, friends, coworkers, etc.) Take praise from everyone who gives it to you, but ignore all criticism except from that small group.

  30. My lead at a re-enacting event once said “I will kick you in the cooter…and if you don’t have one, I will kick you in the junk until you have a cooter…and THEN I will kick you in the cooter.” I found them words to live by!

  31. Now you see, when I read the headline I thought it would mean punching people with my vagina.

    I expect this would require some training.

  32. Jenny!! I so thought of you today! There is a website with a faux bear coat! the hood is the bears head and it comes with paw mittens complete with claws! I am not sure what the rules are about sending you the information on where to go see it is, so I will simply tell you to look for vat19 and tell me you do not need it. I dare you.

  33. Please, oh please, oh please create another wonderful wall calendar for 2014! I hate that my year of Jenny goodness is on it’s last month!

  34. Gah..I have to say…I am SO sad you didn’t call it “Pussy-Punched”….just because I adore alliteration. Otherwise…..love this conversation! It sounds familiar…. 🙂

  35. If it helps in future arguments, I believe men have a “small, useless vagina.” What better to punch you in, my pretty…

  36. Really!
    is anyone ever grateful for criticism?
    People who criticise should be quiet until they accidentaly inhale a bunch of shampoo suds in the shower.

    Good dogs….

  37. I had to get the stabby journal. I can’t wait until it gets here. It’s going to every meeting I ever go to again as long as I live or until I lose it. Which is likely.

  38. It’s weird that you posted an ad regarding unicorns this week. My husband and I have been having a debate about whether or not I’m an “Aunicornist” for about 3 weeks now. I’m decidedly not! (he is – poor guy). Thanks! I win!

  39. In South Africa in Afrikaans we call vagina punch a “poesklap” which is extremely unsavoury language. My friends and I shortened it to PK and if anybody does anything we don’t like we decide that they deserve a PK. I cannot imagine ever doing it though much more fun to threaten.

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