December 2013 – Page 2

It’s beginning to look a lot like I’ll be stabbing people accidentally.

Conversation between me and Victor: me: Hey! I found what I want for Christmas. Victor: Um…no. You can’t have a knife for Christmas. me: It’s not just a knife. It’s a knife with a flashlight it in. Victor: Why would you even want that? me: So I can see where I’m stabbing, obviously. Victor: Right. And thatContinue reading “It’s beginning to look a lot like I’ll be stabbing people accidentally.”

Best present ever. Worst present Ever.

It’s Christmas-time, which means it’s time to buy a lot of stuff no one really needs. Unless you’re buying angry bees, which is always a good idea. But maybe you’re stuck for ideas for awesome presents for people you love, or for horrible presents for people you resent and so I thought I’d share withContinue reading “Best present ever. Worst present Ever.”

Jesus would probably think this was hilarious. Or he’d drown us.

Victor: So, apparently a store accidentally labeled The Bible as fiction. People are pissed. me: Huh. Jesus probably did it on purpose so that non-Christians would find it in the romance section. That guys was always switching stuff. Water to wine. And…um…? Victor: Water into a plank? me: A plank? Victor: Well, what do youContinue reading “Jesus would probably think this was hilarious. Or he’d drown us.”

Haters gonna get vagina-punched

Conversation with my friend who doesn’t want to be named because she’s afraid of critics and doesn’t know how to punch hard enough: friend: I don’t understand why people are so upset by critics. me: They’re probably just not used to it yet. You have to develop a layer of “I-have-no-shits-left-to-give-about-this-ness.” friend: I thinkContinue reading “Haters gonna get vagina-punched”

Not much of a surprise, really.

Conversation with Victor at a flea market: me: Ooh, look. A severed snake head inside a glass egg. Victor: I think that’s a crystal ball. It says your future is all full of rattlesnakes. me: Huh. What’s yours full of? Victor: Also rattlesnakes. me: Aw. At least we have each other Victor: Yes. Us andContinue reading “Not much of a surprise, really.”

Accidentally doing good things.

You know how every year we do some sort of fundraiser for Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa in hopes of getting my taxidermied boar head canonized by the Pope? Well, I was just thinking that now that we have a new, slightly-less-creepy Pope, James Garfield might finally have a chance at sainthood. But then I started looking at HanukkahContinue reading “Accidentally doing good things.”