And that’s why the bed looks like that.

me:  You know when you’re making the bed but the cat jumps up on it and you keep pushing him off but he jumps back up because he thinks you’re playing a game with him and he’s pouncing on all the wrinkles you’re smoothing away and finally you decide to teach the little bastard a lesson and so you just pull the comforter over the cat so he’ll see why he shouldn’t get in your way and you stare expectantly at the lump of cat in the middle of the bed, but it doesn’t move so you wait longer and it still doesn’t move and you suddenly suspect that maybe you’ve suffocated Ferris Mewler and that you’ll have to explain to your vet that you watched your cat smother because you were trying to teach it a lesson?  About beds, I mean.  Not about smothering.  And then you lift up the cover tentatively and your cat stares at you like, “What?  What do you want?” And so you’re like “Fine.  Be that way.”  And you put the covers on again and walk out angrily, but then an hour later you come back and the cat lump is still there and you think, “Shit.  This time I’ve really done it. There’s a lump of dead cat in there.” But then you take a deep breath and lift up the cover and the cat looks exactly the same (except maybe squintier) and you realize that he’s playing the long game and that you’re never going to be able to relax with him under there so you give up and pull the cat out and he goes limp and looks at you like, “I don’t know why you’re mad at me.  You did this. I was just laying under the covers. Because that’s what you seem to have wanted. I just want to please you.” And you’re not falling for your cat’s sarcasm because that’s how they win, so you just give up and drop the cat on the floor, and then you start to remake the bed and the cat jumps under the covers again and is like” HA! I was just fucking with you. This bed is mine, bitch.”  And then you just scream “Fuck this” and then you jump onto the bed and start kicking around and crawling under the sheets and frantically shoving your hands under the pillows so that you can show your cat exactly how ridiculous it looks, but then another cat walks in the room and he’s like “What are you doing?  IS THERE A BUG IN THERE?” and then he jumps up and starts frantically sticking his paws under the pillows too and looking up at you for guidance and then you feel guilty for giving him false-bug-hope and so you just give up and walk away?

Victor:  I’ll give you a dollar to stop talking.

me: You asked me why the bed was all messy.

Victor:  My bad.

PS.  The same cats 15 minutes later:


Fuzzy little bastards.


And in other news, it’s time for the weekly wrap-up:

holly granken art

What you missed in my shop (Named “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

What you missed on the internets:

This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

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138 thoughts on “And that’s why the bed looks like that.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. This happens to me every single time! Now, I try to make the bed when he’s distracted or in my arms; I think he wins every single time…Happy Father’s Day to your husband!

  2. I didn’t think I could love you more, or laugh more, but you have once again proved me wrong ! Thank you for being wonderful !

  3. So your next book (or the one after the upcoming one) should definitely be a handbook for cat ownership. This is the shit people need to know about.

  4. You must start to care less about smothering the cat, then Ferris Mewler won’t win! But I can’t talk, my cat is a total bastard who thinks jumping on plastic bags to get attention is normal. And it probably is, because I’ve made it normal. Owner FAIL!

  5. I can’t even make my bed WITHOUT cats. That entire affair you described has to be worth at least 2 Weight Watchers activity points.

  6. Once the cat got under the bottom sheet and wouldn’t move. We completely made the bed with a cat lump under the fitted sheet. He finally crawled out from under it and walked off like “yeah, I meant to do that.”

  7. I had a cat that was always under the covers whether I was in the bed or not. She lived to be 18, and she didn’t die from suffocation.

  8. WHY are you making the bed? You’re just going to mess it up again in a few hours. This is the very definition of crazy: doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results.

  9. Just try the Hulk Hogan leg drop. Our cats will run off the bed, stop turn around and look at me and be like “what the fuck was that you fat bastard.” Anyway, wife and I love the book.

  10. My children did this to me and an hour later they’re still there waiting under the covers. The youngest thought I was about to tickle pounce — but I forgot about them and had a cup of tea. That’s right, baby, Mother of the Frickin’ Year.

  11. Yep – bed monster is the game and I am sick of playing it. At least you didn’t tuck the furry bastards in like I have been known to do.

  12. My cat Rocky (AKA Rocky Horror) used to burrow under the comforter to sleep all the time. It was always a shock to sit on the bed and have it start to squirm underneath you.

  13. Oh my. In 16 years of cat ownership I never one thought I might smother the cat by making him into the bed! Does this make me a bad cast owner? Does making cats into beds without worrying about smothering them mean I lack empathy?

    I’m going to get some new cats soon, should I start making airholes in all the duvets just in case?

  14. My cats sometimes make the unfortunate choice of wanting to help me turn the mattress over. That would be a lesson in smothering….and squishing.

  15. That is almost exactly what happened to me yesterday.

    I was trying to flip the mattress and my cat thought it would be fun to climb the mattress while I was turning it around and eventually I just gave up because I was worried I would drop it on top of him.

  16. Thanks for the giggles and the cute photo of Ferris and Hunter. Also, a similar scenario here is why I no longer bother to make the my bed, ever. (That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.)

  17. My cats can become invisible at will. This makes looking for them difficult and finding them in unusual places disconcerting. I once put a small storage bin on the kitchen floor and turned away for a minute. When I turned back, he was IN the bin with the lid clicked into place. I blame my dead stepfather who pops in now and then. He visits more often now then he did while he was alive.

  18. Once when we had just moved, we realized our cat was missing and ran around calling her, thinking maybe she’d gotten disoriented and run off. Then we started hearing a faint “mewwww” and finally tracked it to our newly set-up bed. We had one of those king-size beds with the top mattress in two sections, and she’d managed to get herself sandwiched between the two mattresses, then apparently just chilled out while we tucked in sheets, put on the comforter, etc. No suffocation there either: maybe cats don’t need oxygen?

  19. I’ve learned to make it work for me. I trained one of my cats (yes, it is possible) to pounce on the spot that I point at when I’m putting the mattress pad and fitted sheet on the bed. Since it’s a king size bed, and I’m making it by myself, he actually is helping by acting as a counter weight to hold the pad and sheet down. The rest of the bedding is a another story, but at least he “helps” with the bottom two layers. Then I just make the bed around him-he’s fine.

  20. The “Be Nice….” photo ring should be a staple in every relationship and the “It’s true” one is now a must for my special someone (or her to me, either way)!

  21. Laundry is my cat-related struggle. It often leads to bleeding and sometimes threats of death. Mr Darcy LOVES clean, warm socks and underwear and I try to give him time to get his scent all over them before putting them away, but sometimes I just HAVE to put them away so I can consider my chore “done” and that’s when he gets angry and mean. One time I took a video of it and set it to music and it ended with bloodshed (mine). I wish I could find that video.

  22. @MargoMusing, I was skimming and read “duvet airholes” as “duvet a**holes.” I’m not sure whether it’s an insult or a new “As Seen On TV” product idea. Either way, good show.

  23. So, you’re telling us that all of your taxidermied friends are merely a sign of your affluence? Extremely subtle way to announce that. (Caption on a photo in the “Rich woman abandons…” link.) Talk about a long game. Those cats have learned from you.

  24. My cat thinks he owns the entire house. Every single time I try to move any furniture to rearrange or even just clean under it, he jumps on it and calls “ownsies” and won’t get off until I pretend to move something else. My cat hates change and cleanliness as much as Ferris Mewler hates a precisely made bed.

  25. I would have told Victor to make it a $20 and you’d stop. A dollar buys nada these days. Hmm . . . I wonder if I could make money that way. I mean from MY husband. Not Victor. Also, I need some cats.

  26. The cats love the bed-making game (or I guess the more correct name would be the “bed-making preventative game”). However, my cats all have razor sharp claws. It’s all fun and games until Mom has another scar on her hand to rub Mederma onto.

  27. I don’t think you have to worry about suffocating the cats with your comforter. My cats crawl under the comforter to sleep all the time. It apparently feels very safe there (they especially do it when they are upset, which is a lot because despite their life of pampered leisure, they are convinced they are horribly abused and neglected). I believe the cat theory is that if they can’t see us, we can’t see them.

  28. Scout and I have a game (taught to us by Auntie Lynn) called “Where’s the kitty?”. He jumps on the bed while it is being made, I throw the sheet/blanket on the bed and cry out, “Where’s the kitty?”. I pat the bed, pat him under the covers, pat the bed. “Where’s the kitty? Where can he be?” We have been playing this game for twelve years. One of these days, he’s going to have a heart attack from the joy this game brings him.

  29. I have a dog who cannot jump high enough to reach the bed but when he does get to come up (if he’s just had a bath or if it’s raining and he needs to be coddled) he almost always insists on hiding underneath the blankets near my feet where I’m convinced he’s going to suffocate. He gives me that same “this is your fault” look when I check under the covers and sometimes get fed up with my own paranoia and lift him down.

    Also, I hope your recovery is going smoothly and that you’ll be feeling better sooner rather than later.

  30. Cats are awesome little a-holes. Mine likes to “make the bed” by skittering all over it and dodging my attempts to deposit him on the floor. He still gets a prime position on a pillow when I’m done though.

  31. I can just see it! Hysterical – don’t bust your stitches! But then maybe the cats can help keep them closed too – you know so the bugs don’t get in!

  32. I wanna caaaaat! We just got told that our stupid landlord (who’s actually excellent otherwise) won’t let us have one. We steal our neighbour’s cats whenever possible, but it’s not the same…

  33. This is completely our kitten that started doing this, this past winter BUT she now thinks that anything that is in the bed is fair game so in the middle of the night if I shift my feet she attacks and thinks it’s time to play. Can you say OUCH in the summer with just a sheet – those little claws and teeth hurt!

  34. I actually encased my cat Beep under the fitted sheet because he refused to move. He just stayed there–a lump in the middle of my bed–and I couldn’t make the rest of the bed, because I knew I’d have to unmake it again to get him out of there. I tried to outlast him. I failed. Bastid-ass cat.

  35. My neighbor recently informed me that my cat is an asshole. Yeah, it’s a cat – that’s half the job description. And also, who tries to pick up a strange cat? They are made of sharp parts cloaked in fur and contempt. Why would you pick that up?

  36. My cats love to be involved in making the bed just as you’ve described. I used to call it Big Fun in the Bedroom, until I realized it was the ONLY Big Fun that’s been happening lately. Now I just leave my bed unmade so they can curl up in the squishy comforter at will. My cats are little bastards.
    Megan at #36… I’m impressed that you’ve managed to train yours to help, but forgive me, I’m a bit bitter that you’ve shown us all up a bunch of un-made bed underachievers. 🙂

  37. I kind of want to wear Victor’s t-shirt to work. I mean, my own..not actually Victor’s shirt that would be weird and I’m not sure how I’d even go about asking for it.

  38. my cat spends hours every day under the blankets. If I pull the blankets over my head I feel like I’m suffocating within two minutes! What gives? And… and they’re practically hyperventilating with all of that loud purring to boot.

  39. How can I de-lodge this partially chewed chunk of tomato from my left lung?

  40. My Westie\Pomerianian mix puppy does this EVERY time I make the bed and EVERY time I put down a sheet on the dog beds (believe me, it’s easier to wash sheets than to try to unzip the outer part of a dog bed, wash & dry it, then try to get the thing to zip on again after it’s been dried). This dog will appear from NO WHERE the second I start making a bed and will take a flying leap onto the center of the bed. He then grabs onto the blanket or sheet and plays tug-a-war with me. It was cute the first few times. When you’re pooped and your dog outwits you, pulling the newly laundered sheet off the bed, you just want to cry. A lot.

  41. O.M.G. !!! Laughing hysterically!!!!!!!!!! You just made my day !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  42. So what you’re saying is, it’s a good thing my dog can’t jump onto the bed. Based on the way she steals my pillow on the couch, that seems about right.

  43. Wow, that happened to me just this morning, but with a little dog. Now that dog has pooped on the floor and I have to reassess my initial happiness. If I abandon my house right now, the only thing they will find in 72 years is the skeleton of a little dog and a dried out poop. Rest assured, it started out quite liquidy. I knew that cheese was a mistake.

  44. Holy shitnipples! (I learned it from you!) I was having a pity party cause it’s father’s day and all my father figures are dead, which is sad, but once again you have rescued me and THESE tears are from LMAO! I would worship you, but am not religious, so, just thanks!

  45. I just laughed so hard I snorted. I’ve had a cat shaped lump in the bed pretty much every time I’ve made the bed, but my cats always hated being trapped under the blankets, so they’d freak out and then look at me like I’m the asshole. You’re the ones that jumped up there when I was making the bed…. Logic fails with cats.

  46. Along the same lines—-My youngest cat, Helen, has had vision problems since she was a week or 2 old. Not blind, but doesn’t see at all WELL (hence the name). Every night at some point, she suddenly realizes that the lump lying there IS HER MOMMY!!! Which causes her to fling herself in total exuberance on top of me and run to my face. I wake up with scratchy, bleedy places on my legs, on my boobs, wherever! Hard to be mad at her, but jeez…..

    Hope you all your parts are feeling better, Jenny!!!!

  47. Try making the bed with a 60 lb lab mix who also wants to play “hide and seek” with the sheets- it definitely counts as my daily workout that day! Also, have you considered Victor’s offer of a dollar to stop talking as some serious retirement funding? Could work out well if he does it consistently!

  48. Hunter S. Tomcat could TOTALLY pass for my Dumbass (real name is Cinnamon, but no one ever calls her that because, well, she’s Dumbass.

  49. I have a cat who, if trained properly, could probably make a decent maid. He “cleans” the wall by licking it, “vacuums” by eating unidentifiable debris from the carpet, “dusts” by rolling around on the tile floors, and he loves, LOVES playing the bed-making game. I think there could be big money in cat maids — cleaning AND cuddling — what’s not to love?

  50. That shirt for Victor…YES! This is what happens when you make your neighbor scrambled eggs!
    My husband needs this, too.

  51. Haha! You just described linen day at my house…except it’s with Max & Garrus. Gotta love those furry little bastards!

  52. One time my cleaning lady called (yes — I use her once a month, and it’s totally worth it) because she was confused — my bed was made — did she want me to change the sheets? I realized then that I MIGHT need to make the bed a little more often — in all the time she’d cleaned for me, she’d never come and found a “made” bed. But, screw it, I don’t, because the cats like it messy, too!

  53. I have no frame of reference here, because I do not make beds. But if I did, I’m sure my cat would fuck it up on principal.

  54. Every single morning I get up and turn on the shower and while the water is warming up I go back into the bedroom to make the bed and every morning Monkey (the cat) is suddenly (he wasn’t there when I left the bed) on the sheets with his head on the pillow and he stairs belligerently when I start pulling up the blankets. Every morning he looks at me like “What are you doing? Have you gone crazy? Why are you re-arranging the covers. I am going to hold onto the sheets until you calm down.” And I say out loud “we do this every morning, move” and he is like “no, I like it here” and I’m like “every fricken morning, Monkey”. A resent house guest heard my side of the argument and seemed concerned about my sanity. I was like “You have a dog, you don’t understand.”

  55. Don’t I know? I like asking questions like that, because their so meaningless and so old-fashioned people just stare at me as though I ‘m an idiot. They don’t know if I don’t know or not, How can they know if I don’t know, if even I don’t even know if I don’t know? and they’re not even sure whether they’re supposed to answer or not. So I stare at them with that quizzical look for a few seconds, before asking, “Well, don’t I?” That’s when they start trying to think of an excuse to walk away from me.

  56. My bird loves burrowing into clothes that I am wearing or under pillows and blankets, but you can’t leave him in there ’cause he is tiny and might get squashed! If you lift up the edge of the blanket he is under he gives you a sneaky look and runs at you full tilt!

  57. Yes…I play that game with the cat and on occasion with the dog. He thinks it’s nap cuddle time. I tried explaining the 70lb lab that nap cuddle time does not include me yelling at everyone and everything with four feet to leave me alone…he doesn’t listen.

  58. this is such a regular part of my life now. One cat (the Maine Coon) lays on the corner of the sheet that I am trying to put on the bed. One cat (orange tabby that is just so bad) burrows under the sheets and curls up for a good nap. The other cat (little black kitty) attacks whatever is moving under there like it is her mission in life to murder the thing causing the movement. I’ve given up, made the bed around them, made the bed over them and thrown them out of the room and closed the door. None of it really works so I just don’t make the bed anymore.

  59. My mother routinely changed the sheets on the bed leaving a cat under the fitted sheet. They squirm out when they get hungry.

  60. yes. cats and kids in our house do this. and when i do get the bed made, it is sure to be lumpy and wrinkly within an hour anyway. whatever.

  61. I was having a really crappy day until I read this, and now my smile is back. Can’t wait to share it with hubby! Thank you!

  62. My 7yo does this, only she doesn’t let us know she’s gone in there. And we don’t always make the bed — and we don’t always take out the extra pillow — and last week I sort of sat on her…

  63. i almost never make my bed but when i do both my dog and cat get in the way, either by curling up on the pile of pilows and blakents on the floor or when i’m just about done and putting the last of my blankets on my bed and the both fall asleep rihgt in the mildde. and of course i wont move them, cuz THEY JUST SO DAMN CUTE!!!! then i get in trubble with my mom.
    also when i throw a blaket over the dog she falls asleep right there, but if i did to the cat she would claw my face off, which is impressive since she doesn’t have claws……… O-o

  64. Oh man! I want that ring and it doesn’t come in a big enough size for my gramma knuckles. I was going to risk nickel and everything!

  65. So crazy how you just GET cats! When mine was a kitten she used to sleep on top of the covers so she could attack our feet whenever we moved. Mind you, kittens’ claws grow back like 5 seconds after you clip them & those things are like tiny needles so, OW.

  66. Why doesn’t my cat behave like other cats? He waits until I’m lying on the bed, on top of the covers, and crawls under the covers and roots around until he bumps against me. Then he starts pushing and grunting. He saw me on the covers, but it’s like he forgot when he got under them, and is now saying, “What is this? Why won’t it move?”

  67. Only Cat People can understand this kind of behavior…

    And when I say “behavior” I meant both feline AND human…

  68. I can’t really comment on this because I don’t have cats but yet here I am? I am convinced that cats are more closely related to reptiles than mammals. Hence, why they could stay still for so long under your covers and explains their cold-bloodedness.

  69. So EVERY cat does this? I thought mine were special… 😉
    Well, now they are in cat’s heaven and doing this with the cloud pillows. Sometimes I see that the sky looks all messed up, I suspect my cats…
    Take care,

  70. I particularly love when one of them is under the bed and the other cats think the lump in the bed is a target for pouncing. Then there’s the resulting shrieking and growling until the one under the bed flees and the one on top is like I WIN, MOTHERFUCKER. And, of course, the bed still looks like shit.

  71. Does Victor have a blog? Having lurked into yours for a few years now, and having read and re-read your book and checking into your posts a few times a weeks, I just gotta know, does Victor have a blog? LOL! If he doesn’t, he should. Then we could open split windows and watch the repartee between you two LIVE via the internet. It would be fabulous! Or maybe not. Or maybe it would simply lead to you having even more on your plate than you do right now, and Victor would have to get a plate (I’m sure he has one now, but he could get a new one) and then we, your fans, would spend even more time here, watching the fun! Y’all could be like Gracie and George! Just a thought. Okay, I’ll go now……….

  72. TAXIDERMY! Totally unrelated, but I read an article in Hemispheres, United Airlines magazine in the June 2014 issue about Taxidermy classes where they made little mice. Thought of you…I am sure a thousand people have sent you the article which I have copied and am pasting below:

    FYI-I met you last spring outside the book shop where you were speaking in Danville, California. You were such a class act. Many of us were unaware that we had to reserve tickets in advance and had shown up. Not chance of getting in. You graced those of us who had waited, for the chance to just see you!, with handshakes and photo ops.

    I would send you the photo but that may be crossing the line between devoted fan and crazy stalker chick. Just kidding…

    The Dead Rodents Society
    Creating dioramas out of mouse cadavers isn’t as cute as it sounds / Chris Wright

    LONDON – Oscar the mouse is in poor shape. To be fair, he didn’t look great when we started out, but now he’s a mess. I’ve spent a couple of hours snipping, scooping, peeling and tweezing the deceased animal (and inadvertently mangling and de-furring him), trying to create a piece of taxidermy art. What I’ve got is an extra from a Tim Burton film.

    There are a dozen of us working on white mice on a table at Boxpark, a pop-up mall in London’s hip Shoreditch area, the venue for a series of workshops run by local taxidermist Margot Magpie. She currently hosts two classes a week, but demand has been so high she’s about to introduce more, some of them involving larger animals like squirrels and rabbits.

    “I think people enjoy the hands-on aspect of it—we don’t have that today, with all the digital stuff,” says the former medical history student, explaining why her sessions have been consistently oversubscribed since she started them almost two years ago. “Also, I just think people are really interested in dealing with something that’s dead.”

    Then there’s the fact that this is billed as an anthropomorphic taxidermy class, meaning we get to make our mice engage in human activities like playing tennis or reading the paper. Cute, right? Well, not exactly. Taxidermy turns out to be messy, fiddly and fraught with the potential for minor disasters. “I’ve lost his face!” yells one student. “It’s a monster!” cries another. But, in the end, most people seem happy with their creations. “Look!” says a guy who has put a little broom in the hands of his mouse. “He’s sweeping up his own entrails!”

    This is probably the best bit of mouse art made tonight, but it’s not the best ever. One student, Magpie says, went on to create a mouse circus. “Another one I liked,” she adds, “was a mouse painting a picture of a cat.” On our table, meanwhile, there’s an animal that’s even more grossly misshapen than my Oscar.

    “What are you going to do with him?” someone asks the would-be taxidermist, who responds: “Mother’s Day?”

  73. You make me laugh so much, even more when I’m half drunk, lik enow. so glad you’re ok. so glad you’re ok.

  74. I don’t have a cat lump….but how about a 50lb pitbull lump, who thinks you are invading HER bed, when trying to make it up, change the sheets, etc? Then she wants to play and run to EVERY bed in the house and jump on them like they are bouncing toys! I feel you!

  75. “I’ll give you a dollar to stop talking,” is my new favorite quote in the whole, wide world.
    Especially after a work week that just ended, filled with psycho customers (my weekend runs from Monday night to Thursday morning; don’t judge me) and bizarre work situations. Like my coming back from lunch to find my assistant manager recovering after a couple got into a screaming fight over whether the Japanese doll in a glass case, which she was placing in the bid case for this week’s auction, was his doll given to Goodwill by his (wife? sister? bang thang?) while he was away, a fight which ended with his grabbing the doll and running out of the store with it.

  76. Boowhaaahahahaaa this was so funny I felt breathless after reading it!

    And, it’s winter here in Johannesburg and that bed looks VERY VERY cosy and inviting!

  77. This made me laugh so hard I had tears in my eyes. Because, dogs. I had a dog that waited until I made the bed, then would jump up and paw the covers and pillows into disarray. Then lay on top of the rumpled mess.

    And I agree with khereva – “I’ll give you a dollar to stop talking,” is my new favorite quote in the whole, wide world.

  78. I don’t make my bed for the same reason I don’t tie my shoelaces after I take my shoes off. But I love your hilarious ramblings. And your kitties.

  79. I think pets just don’t like beds to be made… my parents dogs (all of them for the past 20+ years) have always tried to thwart any bed making opportunities… they don’t want to get up/out anymore than a teenager would.

  80. This is why I started making the bed first thing in the morning…right after feeding the cat, which is the only thing that will get him off the bed in the first place. Then I make my move. I’ve learned.

  81. … and that lay they’re both doing is a ” fuck you” position. It’s like they’re over-emoting their comfort to spite you.

  82. OMFG! My former cats used to do that all of the time!

    But now I have a cat who can’t jump.

    What she does do that is so “precious” is give birth to giant piles of shit in the middle of the living room which stinks up the whole condo.

    I love that.

  83. Haha. Yup. I wrote about how my cats are/were assholes a couple months ago…and then one did a rebuttal. Bastards.

  84. Its a game in my house for our cat Clover to sit right outside my bedroom door, staring at the crack, waiting for me to open it so that he can try and dart in. I hate that game.

  85. Can we have moth(er) fucker stuff with the ginger kitty! I love the picture but not the LALALA stuff. He looks extra scary with the moth.

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