It’s a good tip for writers either way

Victor: What are you doing?

me:  Reading.

Victor:  Shouldn’t you be writing?

me:  I’m reading about writing.

Victor:  That doesn’t really count.

me: This book says you shouldn’t be afraid to kill your characters.

Victor:  You write memoirs.

me:  Yes, but technically my memoirs would be more exciting if I started killing people.

Victor:  Hmm.

me:  I mean, I’d only kill off people who deserve it, obviously.  Like people who interrupt me when I’m reading.

Victor:  Point taken.  Carry on.


And in other news, it’s time for the weekly wrap-up:

What you missed in my shop (Named “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

What you missed on the internets:

This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by SilkWords, which is moving to a new reader-vote option.  It’s like choose-your-own-erotic-adventure except you get to vote on what the character does next and then the author writes the next section of the story based on winning votes.  This way you know you’re not the only person choosing the really questionable option.  The latest one is here.  You should check it out.

82 replies. read them below or add one

  1. If it bleeds it leads!

  2. Reading, no matter the content, is one of the sacred acts for which the infidels who interrupt it may be deserving of some unrelenting fatwa. Even Salman Rushdie might be on board with that one.

    momus83 recently posted Driver Re-Education: My Path to Enlightenment.

  3. ‘shouldn’t be afraid to kill characters’; even if its a biography?

  4. i have had a serious car accident and many family tragedies within 6 mod – i have been procrastinating – not sure if my best work would come out under these circumstances. any comments?

  5. One of my favourite things in stuff I read and watch is the unexpected expiration of a key character…it always strikes me as bold. But, in your case…that might end badly 🙂

    Ann St. Vincent recently posted The Men I’ve Slept With (Part 1).

  6. correct to 6 months

  7. Veiled death threats are a very effective means of deterring those who would interrupt Reading Time.

  8. You TOTALLY won that round with Victor. Good job!

    Jess recently posted BSC #49: Claudia and the Genius of Elm Street.

  9. goooooooooood work

  10. Boom!
    Victor really didn’t live up to his name this time. Well played.

  11. Hahaha…Interrupting reading time is punishable…perhaps not by death. That’s harsh. Unless the person is a repeat offender, then you have no choice as they are obviously beyond rehabilitation.

    Michelle recently posted Tony Soprano And Collateral Damage.

  12. Um, so, that plate. I want it. I think you should trade me a plate for a recipe, because I would use the shit out of that plate in my blog photos.

    Or I’ll just save up for it like a grownup. It’s hilarious!

  13. People sure would be nicer to you if they knew there was a chance they were getting offed in your book! 😉

    The Dose of Reality recently posted Pinterest Nightmare #563: The Desk Sandbox.

  14. Oh, just because it’s a memoir, that means it has to all be true? Crap, now I get to spend the whole afternoon rewriting. Goodbye zombies.

    Manicmom recently posted Mommy Wanabees and Monkey Poop.

  15. I would kill off my main character for a Juanita weasel plate for cupcakes and shit.

    Steph recently posted Unfunny Doctors and How Business Works.

  16. Reading is always good! Great win!

  17. Haha, killing off characters in a Memoir? I’ll have to try that.

    lisa thomson-The Great Escape... recently posted Plenty of Fish In the Sea? Watch Out for Sharks.

  18. Are you reading “How to Write Like George RR Martin”?

    Tragic Sandwich recently posted Welcome to Summer!.

  19. Maybe you need a memoir with an “alternate timeline.”

    kstewand4cats recently posted Stuff in My Yard (June 2014).

  20. Oooh… Or a create-your-own-ending memoire 😀

    totallyrandomgoodadvice recently posted Total Health.

  21. Wish-fulfilment memoir. Everybody who was mean to you at school gets a gruesome death.

  22. It’s good that Victor knows when to concede.

  23. I have a list of people I plan to kill when it becomes legal. So, in theory, I could kill off characters in any memoir I happen to write — but only if the government decides it is OK for us to kill assholes (because I’m pretty much a law-abiding citizen — so I doubt I’ll go all rogue ahead of time).

    Jana recently posted Searching for Self-Worth.

  24. I hate being interrupted when I’m reading. My dogs have an uncanny knack for knowing just when the killer is going to be exposed. That’s when they want my immediate attention.

    Sue recently posted Stained glass transom.

  25. oooooh wanna go back and change my ending now

  26. how to be a writer: read. write.

  27. I say just add “parallel universe” chapters into your book in which you do kill off characters. Best (or worst?) of both worlds!

    Emelie recently posted I don’t think I’m doing this whole “sexting” thing correctly, you guys..

  28. I can’t wait for the new book but please try not to kill anybody. I don’t think you would look very good in orange!! recently posted Pain is NOT a great motivator..

  29. 29

    Now I wonder who’s going to be beheaded in your next book.

  30. The only proper punishment would be a painful death, most likely from someone reading the “50 Shades of Gray” books.

    It’s worse than anything else I can imagine.

    lisanewlin recently posted How To Act When A Friend Is Having Health Problems.

  31. But it might work for you. Snuff ’em then stuff ’em.

  32. 32

    A+ for kstewand4cats.
    Okay, those fire ant castings are fascinating.
    Juanita should and will be my mascot in the kitchen. I suggest a dish towel with “all the motherfucking dishes are dirty”! And one that reads “Load the dishwasher for me, mitherfuckers! ” Yeah, that’s kind of a point of contention in my house.

  33. I hope Victor is okay, that is still okay…speak to us Victor 🙂

  34. Those aren’t ants at the link, those are vile, viscious fire ants. Molten aluminum is too good for ’em.

  35. The Juanita Weasel plate. There are no words.

    NancyTex recently posted home sweet home.

  36. I was going to watch the ant thing but I just couldn’t do it. I hate killing things even bugs but sometimes you gotta do it…and ants are one of the few pests I don’t hesitate to kill cuz once you find one crawling on you, you think they are crawling on you all day! But killing ants for art was outside my comfort zone.

    On an unrelated note, this morning I was exploring YouTube videos about how to include Bic lighters in an EDC. I was surprised to find in a queue for related videos made up of such titles as ‘How to make your lighter a flamethrower’ or ‘how to light a match with your teeth’ (and some motorcycle hacks for some reason) was a suggested video of ‘Jenny Lawson reading chapter one of her book ‘Let’s Pretend This Never Happened.’ It seemed pretty incongruous to the paracord bracelets and Altoids tin survival kits I was browsing. Who knew your book appealed to such an audience? Your book is a little large to include in a survival kit but it could be used for tinder or kindling in a pinch, yeah?

  37. Haha was that writing guide by George RR Martin? Also the Traveling While Black link is sad but very well written!

    Tim Holt recently posted I read a book yesterday, yea the whole book!.

  38. I might start reading memoirs if they were filled with people getting killed off. Excellent answer!

    DC Dana recently posted DC Dating: Back to Gut Instincts. Again..

  39. If you have ever been bitten by fire ants, which I have…alot…and all I can say is, that ant video is fabulous!!!

    Momma Bird recently posted Nature Thinks I'm a Monster..

  40. You are amazing! <3 Thanks for all the laughs!

  41. Looks like the fire ant guy killed his characters.

  42. I think it turns into a ‘real life crime’ book at that point. Then you can taxidermy your victims…

    This just got very creepy

  43. Ahahaha. I went out with a guy who told me to close my book and talk to him. We didn’t go out again. Though, honestly, I’d started reading so I would have an excuse to not talk to him. He was an asshole.

  44. Silkwords sounds cool! I have similar conversations about reading-writing with my guy, who works in marketing and doesn’t quite get the whole process. Read on! Or, tell him he’s next

  45. Fabulous idea

  46. The great thing about wrting is that you can bring them back to life whenever you want. And then you can kill them again, just as many times as you want.

    Bryan Hemming recently posted The most beautiful flower.

  47. That cat video is cute, but either the person who made it has a lot of cats, or they used a bunch of clips from other other people’s videos without crediting the sources (some were watermarked, but some weren’t).

    Laura recently posted Mudville, 2358 (Casey at the Bat, With Aliens).

  48. I love saving your pins for Monday mornings. It gives me something enjoyable to look at before admitting the weight of the whole work week is settling on my shoulders.

    Michelle recently posted Purple And Kerpoise.

  49. I think murder is the key to a best seller.

    One Funny Motha recently posted Childless and Loving It.

  50. The cat video is totally a compilation of other cat videos. Also I used to invite friends over and then read the whole time, I was an odd child.

  51. Sometimes, murder and mayhem is simply a necessity. When you do start killing off people, could I send you my top 5 list of “Must Die’s”?

    Desire recently posted Roses are red, and so is a bloodbath.

  52. [me : This book says you shouldn’t be afraid to kill your characters.
    Victor : You write memoirs.]

    😄 thx

  53. Victor needs to be very very careful when interrupting.

  54. I kind of need that plate…

    Lauren recently posted Dream State Escalate: 45.

  55. Seriously, when people interrupt me while I’m reading, I get kind of stabby.

    Karen Marie Peterson recently posted You know you want to....

  56. I would totally do that to the fire ants that we have here. I would then put the sculpture in my garden and fair warning for future ants and plant a beautiful tree in the hole. Hmmmmm….weekend project?

    AmberLynn Pappas recently posted When all you want to do is eat Cheetos on the couch.....

  57. i love juanita weasel.

    steph gas recently posted how i make my cat food.

  58. memoirs about killers are all the rage or so I heard.

    TheJackB recently posted Who Do We Thank For All This?.

  59. Half your characters are already dead (and stuffed). So I think Victor’s safe for now. 😉

    Quirky Chrissy recently posted Those Were the Best Days of My Life…Or Were They?.

  60. Sounds like valuable research to me.

    Donna recently posted The 29 Year Itch.

  61. 62

    Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?

  62. Is that a trick question?

    Tim Holt recently posted Hobby Farm Boy.

  63. This is valuable advice for pretty much everyone. Don’t interrupt me if I have a book type object in my hand.

    melly recently posted Having Issues With the News.

  64. ya, that is the problem with memoir writing….unless you…..oh, never mind.

    Mary-Anne recently posted Toast Soldiers.

  65. The question remains will you stuff them ?

    Jane Ryan recently posted List of Things I Have Spilt Red Wine On..

  66. 67
    Calamity Wren

    Honest to god, I just cackled out loud at this story. I hate it when someone interrupts my reading time!

  67. No one says a dang thing to me til I start to read.

  68. I’ve bought Juanita the card for my work friend’s sister the past two years for her birthday. She always bakes me kick ass cupcakes. I should get her the plate.

    Michelle recently posted Purple And Kerpoise.

  69. Reading can help make writers better writers! GEEZE VICTOR.

    Jen Donohue recently posted Planning a Fantasy Novel.

  70. I think your memoirs are already exciting.
    Killing people would just make me lose my shit more completely.

    Psychobabble recently posted A Crazy Good Beverage Container.

  71. I think killing off characters is more interesting in a memoir than a fiction novel.

    Michelle Grewe recently posted Bavarian Cream Cheesecake Pastry.

  72. 73

    It would be funny if you were actually reading this book, “About Writing”:

    The Stephen King book, “On Writing” is pretty good, but mostly I think he took a lot of drugs to write really good books within a few weeks, so maybe not do that? Or do, I’m not sure. I still don’t know whether he wrote “Misery” before or after his similar car accident – I kinda wish it was before, so it’s eerie etc.

  73. My family knows that you don’t interrupt me at two times during the day unless the house is burning down or someone is dying. 1. First cup of coffee of the day. 2. When there’s a book in my hands.

    skullwoman recently posted My Mother’s Notebook #2 Green Bean Salad and Grilled Potatoes.

  74. I wish I could convince certain people in my house to leave me alone when I’m reading… Threatening to kill toddlers probably isn’t politically correct though.

    Eve I Ate Your Damn Apple recently posted Bubbles: Internet Reality vs. Reality Reality.

  75. I’m around crazy on a daily basis…being married to a Mortician. So I keep a pen a paper close by – once it starts I keep writing and don’t stop to edit until I pass out. Then I won’t read it until I’ve had a drink. Life as a Mortician’s Wife.

  76. Totally owned XD

  77. I really love the way your brain works.

  78. I could not agree more with you! Right now I am reading two books, one for adventure one for emotional connection. I think reading is the only way to do research when it comes to writing. If you don’t read, how can you know what people want you to write? Well expressed once again Mrs Bloggess, I cheers you with my half glass of Vino!

    Jess recently posted Stop what you are doing and READ THESE BOOKS....I mean it.....anybody want a Peanut?.

  79. 80

    Were you reading this book?

    I wouldn’t want to be interrupted either.

  80. 81

    Danggit, Tragic Sandwich stole my comment.

    Killing off your characters is turning out to be quite lucrative for George R.R. Martin, so it’s worth considering. Although I do wish that GRRM would do a “vote with cash” project, where people could pay him NOT to kill off certain characters — or pay him to kill off certain characters (sort of like a literary hit man).

  81. Hahaha, never enough alone time….

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