It’s not really that comforting.

A few days ago I wrote about comforters that make you into princesses and flamenco dancers and impossible astronauts, and I suspect that’s why today I got a targeted ad for this:

corpsey comforter

It’s like a Slim-Goodbody snuggie.  And I don’t entirely understand it but it seems somewhat helpful because when zombies break in to eat you they will probably just shuffle off disappointedly because it looks like other zombies have already eaten all your good stuff.  Also, I sort of like that the corpse is plus-sized.  You almost never see that in a corpse.  In fact, I expressed interest in being an extra on The Walking Dead last season but then I was told they were only casting for super skinny corpses because the zombies have been decomposing so long that they’d be super thin.  So once again, all the good roles go to the thin-enough-to-be-dead people.  I had a point with this but I have a sinus infection and I’m on a lot of cold meds.  I need a hot toddy.  And a corpsey comforter.

Both of them plus-sized, if you please.

99 thoughts on “It’s not really that comforting.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Hot toddy on it’s way over. Do you have a snuggie?
    Hope you feel better soon. I saved your MOTHerfucker picture and still literally laugh out loud every time I see it!

  2. I don’t know… look how skinny the arm muscles and thick the leg muscles are. I think this corpse may have had a wasting disease. Or perhaps it was sent on a forced march with its arms tied behind its back before it died.

  3. But all the roles already go to the thin-enough-to-be-dead people. If they have to be even thinner than that so that they look decomposed, then are they actually alive? Are we sure The Walking Dead isn’t more like The Hunger Games but with zombies?

    I’ve been up since 6:30 am after I closed a store last night. I think that equals to being on a lot of meds.

  4. Actually, “Attack on Titan” is a Japanese anime. I’ve only seen one episode. It’s pretty freaking gnarly. Netflix it! There are giants and then there are colossal giants. Both eat people. The giants look like normal, naked people. The colossal giants look all weird and muscle-y.

    Either way, they eat people. So sorta giant zombies?

  5. Huh…it’s a snuggie that can double as a skinned-person-Halloween costume? Or, I suppose, a fuzzy anatomy project. Either way, in my house the naked muscles would be covered in a dog-hair coat pretty fast anyway (snuggies and other fleece-type fabrics are a no-no for us…like fricken MAGNETS for fur). Feel better soon. 🙂

  6. That is my and my son’s favorite show! I had to call him to tell him to look at this post and I am ordering one for each of us immediately. The people of Minneapolis will be awe. Thank you!

  7. Um, can’t you be a “newly dead” zombie, like the people at the prison with the flu who turned just last season? Then you wouldn’t be all wasted away…..Tell Gimple he needs to put you on that show!

  8. The arms aren’t plus-sized though, and it’s kind of freaking me out.

    I’ve got to start doing more weird shit on the internet. I never get anything fun like this. You must be endlessly entertained.

  9. “all the good roles go to the thin-enough-to-be-dead people”
    That is so true. I used to work with someone who had trouble keeping weight on. (She was so thin that she went as Mary Kate Olsen for Halloween one year.) She got a part in a commercial and she was told she needed to hold her stomach in while she acted so that she wouldn’t look ‘fat’ on camera.

  10. Two words I never thought I’d see together — corpsey and comforter. You could get two of this and you and Victor could be undead aliens for Halloween.

    Feel better soon!

  11. I’m not sure about them not trying to eat you in that. Your head would still show and they just LOVE brains! They should let you be on the show..that would be great! You could be an extra even as a cannibal or something.

  12. I have a pair of tights that show all the muscles and I think you can get a bathing suit too, so if you bought those you’d be super skinny and can be in the film. other wise people just look at you strangely.

  13. If you switch to the Epic browser, you won’t get those kind of targeted ads. Of course then you’d have to think of other things to write about so that may not be such a good idea – you can be our test case.

  14. I love Attack on Titan. You should watch it, Jenny – it’d be right up your alley, in a gloriously bizarre way.

    Seid ihr das Essen? Nein, wir sind die Bloggess!

  15. Oh my … WHAT. How is that even ok? Who do you give THAT to? “Heh heh. Let’s see the look on her face when she wakes up in front of the TV and sees…THIS when she looks down.”

  16. So, that ‘is’ Attack on Titan merch.
    But don’t worry; it’s a terribly violent and wonderful anime. http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attack_on_Titan
    If you’re into terrible and wonderful, I mean. It’s SO not kid appropriate, tho.
    And Netflix only has it in Japanese; so there’s that.
    I figure, the merchandising people saw you as a link to the wonderful lovers of terrible things and hit you with a fish.
    Can’t blame them… can you?

  17. weird how long the arms are and how short the legs….looks like the musculature of Ironman….Oh, that would be a good comforter, Robert Downey Jr. lying beside me…..

  18. What the fuck is wrong with his/her feet? I can’t tell if they’re made out of twizzlers, or all the toes are already chomped off.

  19. “so once again, all the good roles go to the thin-enough-to-be-dead people”.

    thanks, jenny. needed this after the day i had.

  20. Corpsey comforter indeed… God people come up with creepy crap sometimes. But I like any blanket that could turn me into an Impossible Astronaut!

  21. I think it’s drawn that way because the Titans are supposed to be 2-3 stories tall and that it shows perspective from the ground. It really is a neat series-it’s got sword fighting, blood thirsty giants,heroes flying from building to building using wires, and lots of angst.
    When I saw it, I immediately thought of my son(he loves the show) who is going off to college in the fall. He might get cold in class. Then I saw that it is only on pre-order and won’t be in until November. Bummer. Maybe for Christmas.

  22. I wonder if I can get one of those for my English Bulldog. I took a very scientific test online and it determined I would survive until the end of the zombie apocalypse, my bulldog did not fare so well. Of course, since it’s plus-sized I could always shove her under it but then the zombies may see the wriggling and decide that part of my body was still open to feasting. So I guess I still need her to have her own.

  23. See, now why can’t we combine this with the princess one from the other day? i want a plus size one of these in a ball gown! I’d rock that while watching TV SO hard. Heck, I might even put on a real tiara.

  24. I think this would quickly replace clothes when I was just walking around my apartment. I would just use the corpse snuggie and shuffle back and forth from living room to kitchen. It would work best with my morning face and bird nest styled hair.

  25. The feet look to me like an upside-down open matchbook??

    And yeah, why CAN’T a Zombie be a plus-sized person? Fat Discrimination!!!

  26. I figured out that there is a hidden setting that lets you opt out of targeted ads! Although you have so much fun with them you might want to keep it! LOL

  27. I heard that about The Walking Dead, but they fail to realize that some zombies started out as super obese, then when they decompose they look average. They could have average people zombie-shuffling around in big baggy clothes to get the point across.

  28. They were stupid when they turned you down. Can you imagine how many people would watch that show once word hit the internet that you were in it?

  29. You should have told them you were a gassy bloated corpse. Obviously they know nothing about decay.

  30. I think the comforter would need a putrid smell for the zombies to avoid you. So maybe don’t wash it. Ever. And keep a jar of putrid shit under your bed to spread on just in case.

  31. Wouldn’t a morbidly obese human turned zombie still be a bit meaty? And some hipster skinny chick be like…beyond skin and bones skinny for a zombie, by this logic?

  32. I’m kind of marveling at the difference in the arms and legs. Usually you see it the other way around…hulk torso, and never did the leg work, so all Q-tip like on the bottom.

  33. I totally disagree. I think this would be like a buffet to zombies with everything all out in the open. Make sure you have your facts straight. There’s no coming back from that shit.

  34. Oooh, hot toddy. Off to put some whiskey in my mint tea. Either I’ll hate it or put in so much whiskey I don’t care about the taste. Wish me luck!

  35. Whoever designed that snuggie flunked out of human anatomy, dropped out of med school and is now designing corpsey clothes in an attempt to confuse the next generation of aspiring nurses and doctors with inaccurate depictions of human anatomy. Yes, they are that bitter. Also they may be smoking something weird while they do it.

  36. “So once again, all the good roles go to the thin-enough-to-be-dead people. ” Brilliant.

  37. A little worried about your burgeoning cold medication addiction. Also considering buying this and doing jumping jacks outside random people’s windows.

  38. OMG, I LOVED Slim Goodbody as a kid. He wore those bodysuits with internal organs laid out on them and talked about health and diet and science…. Yeah, I need one of these now.

  39. This doesn’t make me think “zombie.” It makes me think “Ramsay”…or even more “Theon.” Flaying is definitely NOT a comforting thought.

  40. I know everyone else here has already mentioned it but Attack on Titan is a freakin’ awesome show about giant zombies. There is an english version of the show airing right now on Cartoon Network’s Adult Swim or Toonami. Cartoon Network has gotten really complicated.

  41. Holy crud! You referenced Slim Goodbody. In elementary school, I was the lead female character in a Slim Goodbody play. I’m surprised I didn’t pursue acting after my amazing performance (so amazing that I have no idea who the character is).

  42. Wow. Zombie blankets that are plus sizes with twizzler feet and references to Adult Swim and Toonami (both of which I’m too old to stay up for). If zombies had twizzler toes, wouldn’t they just eat them off? I know I would.

  43. I have a friend obsessed with zombies and I’ll have to credit you for the comforter. Now I just have to figure out if she’ll take offense that her gift is plus-sized:).

  44. Glad to know I’m not the only one mentally preparing for a zombie apocalypse! My plan so far is to steal a boat (stealing is okay in a zombie apocalypse, right?), grab some fishing rods, go out into the middle of the ocean, and wait for it all to settle itself. I am allergic to seafood so the plan isn’t perfect but it’s the best I’ve got for now. That weird snuggie thing up top would certainly come in handy though!

  45. That’s clearly nonsense on the part of the casting people. Fat people would be the first zombies because of how tasty they must look to the undead. Think about it, if you’re a zombie, are you going to go for the stick thin model with no meat, or the chunky delight with a week of BBQ on her?

  46. Zombie vaginas are HUGE! I hope I don’t care when I’m walking dead anyway. Don’t think zombies have sex or show off their vaginas much.

  47. Hi Jenny! I wasn’t sure where to send this, so I thought I should put it in the comments under your corpsey nightshirt thingie because this guy (see pic) could totally strip a human down to muscle in no time at all and give a zombie a run (or a munch) for his money. Also I live in Wimberley so we should have lunch sometime because I’m a writer too and I want to meet you and steal your identity. Not really. You live with rattlesnakes and I live with a Corgi. You do the math. Anyway, here is a pic I took JUST FOR YOU (because I loved your book, made me laugh so hard and dragged me out of total depression) in Weatherford, Texas where my sister lives. Hope you adore. Also added 3 more – a sparkly antlered deer, a turkey with attitude, and a confused moose, all in the SAME CAFE! I forgot to look and see if they were on the menu. Well, okay I just realized I can’t post pictures here which makes sense because no telling what people might put here, so I’m emailing the pics to you, so I hope you will not declare email bankruptcy yet this week and look at them, cause (well now the surprise will be ruined, but oh well) they are TAXIDERMY pics of the aforementioned deer, turkey and moose, but the star is a Javelina, not to be confused with a javelin or a plain old pig. Much fiercer. Hope your cold gets better!

  48. Wait — who says there are no plus-sized zombies out there? I mean, if a plus sized person (or average person for that matter since we aren’t all twigs) were bitten by a zombie, then we would turn soon after — we wouldn’t have had the CHANCE to decompose at waste away to nothing yet. So really, they are just discriminating against newbie zombies…. just like everything else in life “must have 3 years prior zombie experience”

  49. On a separate note – Have you started modeling? I was reading one of my favorite online comics (Something Positive by Randy Milholland) and there is an advertisement in the sidebar for eShakti.com and the model looks just like you

  50. I think it is discrimination for the Walking Dead to not cast people who are less than size zero. It’s just ridiculous…like a zombie is going to pass over all that good brain material? Really? And as you are decomposing, you will lose the fat first, the muscle last…so the plus size comforter is quite accurate!

  51. why are the arms so scrawny?? I mean with legs like that I guess who needs arms?? nevermind.

  52. SLIM-GOODBODY. Oh, thank goodness you made this reference. I was starting to think that show was some weird hallucination that I experienced between the ages of 7 and 9.

  53. Ahhh! And now I know what to get my daughter for Christmas. She LOVES Attack on Titan. Which, seriously, you need to see. You’d dig it.

    And @M at 25, you closing comment made me kinda crush on you. Or at least want to reply “Ah, Ah, Ah, AHAH!”

  54. As soon as I saw this it made me think of the episode of Arrested Development when George Michael wears the muscle suit under his clothes because it impresses his cousin and then his weird uncle thinks he is also a never-nude. And that was a really long, run-on sentence. Sorry for the poor grammar. Happy Friday!

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