I’m insulted in several ways.

I think most cats technically already have great mustaches, but you just can’t tell because we don’t shave the rest of their bodies, and I think that’s probably very sad for them because they can’t show off their dapper kitty facial hair.

Or at least, that was the reason that I gave Victor when he asked me why I kept trying to stick a fake mustache on Hunter S. Thomcat.



PS. This is unrelated but I thought I’d share.  You know when websites use algorithms to figure out what you’d be most likely buy and then they put those recommendations on your front page?  Yeah.  So this is what Amazon personally suggested I’d want today:

amazon wtf

What they said:

“Get Yourself a Little Something” 


What they’re really saying:

“Hey!  CHECK OUT THIS straight jacket!  Buy some lizard feet!  Treat yourself, ya FREAKY lunatic!”

And I think the most insulting thing here is that I actually am interested in all of those things and now I can’t stop thinking about how nice it would be to wear those Lizard Feet while I’m writing, but I can’t even have them because I’m allergic to latex.  So now I feel bad for wanting them and also bad because it’s like Amazon is taunting me on purpose.

Also, when I went to look at the lizard feet Amazon told me that if I liked those feet then I’d totally want this shirt.

And they were right.  The bastards.




166 thoughts on “I’m insulted in several ways.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Poor Hunter. What a sweet, gorgeous boy.
    I dress my cat up like Lady Gaga.
    Perhaps when you allow me to interview you, I’ll show you a photo!! xx

  2. God, they know you so well. I’m having a real shitty down in the dumps day and you just made it brighter. So thanks.

  3. According to facebook, I want to date Muslim men, Jewish men, and Mormon men. I’m not racist (religionist?). Sometimes they get it right, sometimes they confuse me.

  4. …I want, no, I NEED those lizard feet.

    Hunter S. Thomcat totally suits the silent movie villain look. He’ll be tying damsels to train tracks in no time. Well, he would if he wasn’t a cat and therefore legally obligated to sleep 99% of the time, but I’m sure he’ll be thinking real hard about it during that other 1%.

  5. The top hat makes the mustache much less ridiculous. And do they have lizard feet for Hunter S. Thomcat? You two could wear them at the same time and be twinsies.

  6. I don’t mind the constant suggestions for eyebrow stencils (I could use some), but I rather resent the weekly emails I get for cemetery plots.

  7. Think I just found a Christmas present for my kids–those lizard feet!! So thank you for that (sorry you can’t wear them–Amazon sucks for taunting you).

  8. I’m allergic to latex too, & have found it highly disappointing that I can never be a monster in the movies, or even an extra zombie in The Walking Dead. Now I’ll be missing lizard feet.

    Thanks, thanks a lot.

  9. Great, now I have another book I need to read. Also, I just told one of my best friends how much I love you, because you are so out there about any problems you have and you made me realize I am not alone. Thanks for being you!

  10. I actually have that book, Asylum, and coveted it for years before a friend who works for the publisher got it for me. It’s gorgeous. Don’t knock it til you see it.

    (Putting it on my list. ~ Jenny)

  11. I don’t know what is worse… When they know what I want, or when they think they know what I want due to the amount of gifts I purchase online.

  12. Couldn’t you put socks on and then put the lizard shoes while wearing gloves? Don’t give up so quickly. Those feet are worth a fight.

  13. Does Madame Vastra have lizard feet? I think she wears boots so I’m wondering how they fit. Also–does the bustle on her dress hide a tail?

  14. I ended up at CVS 3 times yesterday. Each time, I got a coupon for metamucil. Personally, I wish they thought I needed lizard feet.

  15. If you enabled the WordPress.com “Like” button, I’m pretty sure you’d break WordPress.com with this post.

  16. Soon Amazon will know enough to be called as a character witness.
    “No, your honor, Jeff would never buy that. He’s all about the belt buckles. The belt buckles with the hidden compartments for above-the-crotch storage. His hands are already there, you see. You see what a horrible person he is–”
    “I OBJECT, your honor! And this is my witness!”
    “–he keeps his hands at crotch-level.”

  17. It’s like someone is staring at you through your computer (you have a little something on your lip, there, by the way … no, no, other side).

  18. I put tutus on my foster dogs when I take them for walks. Mostly because they’d eat the mustache. And probably pee on the lizard feet.

    I like that t-shirt a lot, but I’m partial to writing in my Bob Ross one.

  19. The lizard feet are meant to be worn over your shoes, so you could totally get them regardless of your latex issues.

  20. My husband used my Amazon account for the Prime. I have recommendations for books about rocks and some children’s books because of my previous purchases. So there’s a lot of book recommendations and then canned cat food. We have never had a cat … Wondering why it recommended that?

  21. I too, am allergic to latex so I wear thick cotton socks with my lizard feet( although, I like to call mine Creature of the Black Lagoon feet).

    (I love that you already own lizard feet. YOU ARE MY PEOPLE. ~ Jenny)

  22. For me, Amazon recommends a Laser Eyes Space Cat T-Shirt (and what appears to be a rainbow coming out of it’s butt…) and sloth socks. I really want the sloth socks…

  23. Latex lizard feet would definitely inspire some great blog ideas. Or if nothing else, you could just stare at them in your Data mask while reading your asylum book. Go on! Treat yourself! Or buy the lizard feet and raise money for your favorite charity by giving away a signed pair. Seriously, Jenny, who wouldn’t want a signed pair of lizard feet from The Bloggess???

  24. My son recently told me that cats are covered in eyebrows. because technically, their eyebrows don’t stop, they just kept growing all the way down their bodies. I told him he had a point…

  25. I’m getting a lot of luxury handicapped bathrooms and top-of-the-line bidets. Also, shoes. But that one makes sense.

  26. I’m going to blame Victor on this one. Here’s my reasoning: When Amazon puts something under the subtitle “Give yourself a little something”, usually it means that those things are already on a wishlist that is linked to your account. Since you obviously didn’t add those things to your own wishlist (because they wouldn’t be a surprise to you if you had), I would suggest you check Victor’s wishlist. Then, after you find out I’m right, would you post the rest of his wishlist for our enjoyment?

  27. Wear the lizard feet over socks. That way, you’ll not only look dapper(?), but it will work like a foot sauna and you’ll shed excess foot weight and be able to fit into smaller, daintier lizard feet!

  28. I’m offended that Amazon has never suggested “Get Yourself a Little Something” to me! And now that I’ve looked at your freakishly weird items, Amazon suggests the “Laser Eyes Space Cat Shirt”. I can’t say I’m not thinking about it. Who doesn’t want a cat farting rainbows on a shirt?

  29. In all fairness, that is a really awesome shirt. I wonder if they do one with lemurs. Must investigate.

  30. Can you wear socks with your lizard feet so you don’t have a reaction? It would look absurd, but oh well! 🙂

  31. I kind of want to see the Cabinet of Medical Curiosities myself. Not to mention that stylin’ and yet oh-so-creepy Brent Spiner mask.

    [Actually the abandoned asylum photography book looks pretty good and I might check it out.]

  32. Ok but that Medical Curiosities book looks good. So…really you’re insulted that Amazon knows you THAT well? It’s like they’re stalking you…or, Victor’s having them mess with you.

  33. I actually know one of the guys who wrote the algorithm that helps Amazon figure out “if you like [foo] you may also like [baz]”. I can attest he is the kind of person that would be REALLY, REALLY AMUSED to hear it was making recommendations like this.

  34. So what if you wore some lizardy knee-high socks? Would you be able to wear the feet then?

    You know this is starting to develop into a “If You Give Jenny Lizard Feet” type story in my brain.

  35. The last time I logged onto Amazon, its suggestions for me were my poetry collection and things I’d already bought…from Amazon. I was really confused.

  36. I got on amazon yesterday to order protein powder. My ordered ended with two phone covers (one has blue liquid and fish in it and the other has a sloth on it) and protein powder. Damn that free shipping.

  37. Well I guess Amazon really thinks “ah, there’s our little bitch now”. And put up all sorts if “must haves”

  38. I had to close Amazon because of what it recommended to me the other day. It was racy and totally over the top!! (stuff i cannot repeat) and when I looked at the ‘we recommended this because..’ thing it was totally innocuous stuff. Amazon fail….

  39. Totally getting the lizard feet AND the Commander Data mask. Now I just need to search for the rest of this completely fucked up Halloween costume I’m gonna have. Perhaps a “Sheldon Cooper” outfit and Hulk Hands to complete the ensemble.

    Still totally pissed about my image embed fail from yesterday. I’m obsessing over it.

  40. Um, wear toe socks in the latex lizard feet. Solutions, it’s what I do.

  41. Can you get a bigger size of the lizard feet and wear them over socks?!

  42. I’m glad I’m not the only one who wants the laser-eyes-cat-with-rainbow-coming-out-its-butt tshirt. Maybe we should start a club.

  43. I had to click on the link to see the shirt, and you have GOT to go look at the Customer Reviews of this shirt. Most of them are by posters acting like they were sloths themselves,and some of them are truly hilarious. I quote: “Wear this shirt indoors, as it is powerful and can cause injuries in the wrong hands. DO wear this shirt to job interviews, as the majesty and soothing confidence of the sloth will convince anyone that you should run their company in the image of the tranquil and mighty sloth.”

  44. Ha ha ha !I was in a horrible frat boy type bar with my brother and saw a frat boy wearing the sloth shirt while playing a hunting video game and screaming things like IM GONNA KILL ‘EM ALL! It gave me shame that I wanted his shirt…so caution wearing the 3 sloth moon shirt might turn you into a murderous frat boy bag of dicks.

  45. You could hold a kickstarter to make non latex versions of those feet, your devoted (and somewhat insane fans) would instantly fund it.

  46. did you see the Laser Eyes Space Cat T-shirt? I’ve got to have one of those.

  47. It’s scary how much they know about us. Love the cat pics, especially the one where his eyes are crossed.

  48. My eyesight is so poor that at first I thought those were meerkats on the shirt. Now I want a shirt with meerkats on it.

  49. Amazon doesn’t know me that well, but that’s because I’m in Australia and there is no Amazon Australia.

    Things we can get shipped from either Amazon.com or Amazon.co.uk:
    – books (including yours)
    – CDs and DVDs (mostly ones that aren’t in our DVD region, which defeats the purpose of DVD regions and gives it a 50/50 chance they’ll work in the DVD player/computer)
    – some video games (UK has the same region, but they’ll say NO to one and YES to another even if they’re pretty much the same game)
    – random other items, including cat toys/kibble trees – but again, I can get say the kibble tree and not the mouse-on-a-track thing even though they’re from the same company, made from the same things and are fairly even in terms of dimensions/weight

    Also, I usually wait until there’s something like free international shipping for orders over $50 or something, because the last time I bought things from Thinkgeek the postage cost me as much as the stuff I was trying to order.

  50. And now amazon wants to sell me sloth shirts and bone saws.

    I already have a bone saw.

  51. I think you’ve invented a new game. ASIDE FROM the sudden deluge of sloth paraphernalia (which, don’t get me wrong, I love, but it’s too inauthentic because I didn’t actively do a sloth search) Amazon seems to be getting to know me, though I’ve only placed one order with them after making a new account. They recommended more Sakura Gelly Roll pens, a to-do list notepad with a T-Rex in the corner titled, “Things that I really HATE to do”, other various art supplies, the Deluxe Guardians of the Galaxy soundtrack, Weird Al’s new album, the Frozen soundtrack, Pitch Perfect’s soundtrack, and a crap-ton of Maggie Stiefvater’s books. Huh.


    I just I just added it to my cart? Possibly?

  52. I just decided that someone surely has shaved their cat and left only a mustache on its face, so I did a google search for “shaved cat mustache” (it felt like a risky word combination, but somehow necessary) and this happened to me: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/12/04/cat-chest-hair_n_4384107.html
    Underneath the story about the man who shaved his body hair into the shape of a cat is a slide show of VAGINA CAKES, which makes sense because it is Women’s Equality day today.

  53. This just made me laugh so hard – OMG – and it’s sooo freaking true at the same time!!!!!! Thanks for the laugh!!!

  54. I have a co-worker who occasionally wears chicken feet, maybe he needs a new look… Hmm.

  55. Jen, you’re totally messing up MY algorithm. Now Amazon is gonna think I’m a freak just because I can’t resist clicking on your links. But the lizard feet are so very tempting—I’d like to slip them on then crawl in bed beside my husband some rainy, lighting filled midnight when he’s sleeping like a baby…

  56. It’s like they’re peering straight into your soul… Or like Amazon sends drones into your dreams at night to see what you really want and then they go from there.

    One of those things.

  57. Thank you to everyone who mentioned that the T-shirt had SLOTHS. Embarassed to say I had no idea what they were when I looked at it—despite my being a human representation of one!

  58. Love you, love you, LOVE YOU! Have had an absolutely crap summer/month/week/day… but you always make it better! Mustache cat to lizard feet… And I totally relate!

  59. If you ever need reptile tank supplies do yourself a favor and just go to Petco because Amazon thinks I’m a kinky stoner who needs grow lights, hydroponic kits, and dungeon equipment. I try to not leave it up on my desktop in my classroom.

  60. Algorithms are all fine and dandy. What freaked me out was one day VERBALLY telling my daughter to star a pot of coffee and getting a Starbucks banner on the next website I went to. Creepy. Good thing I am not a conspiracy theorist.

  61. Now Amazon is suggesting all the sloth items to me, since I followed that link! Let us hope more crazy suggestions ensue! The worst amazon suggestion I ever got was when I was home alone one night and it kept suggesting me a book with a reallly really realllllly scary cover with a realistic face with needle teeth! I was crying!

  62. Get Victor the sloth shirt for your anniversary. In honor of the 16th (I think) anniversary gift you gave him.

  63. Read the reviews of the Sloth shirt on the amazon page.

    • “Sloths are very underrated creatures. They are actually quite majestic and often stare at the moon pondering the universe. My favorite one is the middle one. He is named Rodney.’
    • Comment titled ‘The greatest shirt I have ever owned’
    • “Sometimes when i’m outside, i like to look at the moon and ponder the wonders of the universe just like these guys”
    • ‘So nice to see our family portrait. This picture was taken at our annual family reunion — though someone photoshopped the moon in the back and that looks just plain cheesy. However, I love this picture because it was the last time we were all together before my sister, Slo, slipped and fell right side up. She has never been the same since.’
    • “As a sloth myself, I live by the slogan “Live Slow, Die Whenever”. So..When I wear a shirt, it’s gotta be goooooood. Mostly caus’ I’m not gonna change it caus’ I’m too lazy.”
  64. I have to say that the best part of those lizard feet was that they were billed as a disguise item. I’ m now trying to imagine just where a human with lizard feet would blend in. Would you need the rest of the costume to pass yourself off as a human size, walking on 2 legs, lizard? Even then, where would a 6 foot lizard not attract attention?

  65. So, after clicking on your teaser link for “this shirt”, all my recommendations from Amazon are now sloth things. Including socks. I say BEWARE to all other Bloggess Readers that might be urged to click on the link. Although, I guess if you are reading my comment, you’ve already read the others, and the sloth surprise has been spoiled.

  66. I had those same lizard feet come up on my suggestions!! I hate how those algorithms are so judgey. I look up one body bag and suddenly I must be in the market for 17 of them… And the economy sized Lysol jug they also suggested…

  67. The Cabinet of Medical Curiosities book is awesome. Even if it will leave you trying to diagnose half the people you meet. It’s one of the few books I actually bought instead of just checking out from work once in a while.

    (This book recommendation brought to you by a qualified librarian in a rather strange library. Do not try this at home.)

  68. Oh man…. my brother-in-law would also love that t-shirt. Thank you for helping me pick out his Christmas present!
    Your weirdness is helpful.
    Maybe they have a non-latex lizard feet option?
    That asylum book suggestion is tantalizing. As in, I want it. Amazon’s gonna be taking a lot of my money this week. Ok, every week.

  69. Thanks a heap. I couldn’t resist clicking the link to the sloth shirt and now Amazon is suggesting all sorts of related sloth-ish and other tacky t-shirts for mr. Oh well, I guess we’re all now in this together!!!!!!

  70. I don’t know who would be freaked out more by those lizard feet, Bazinga the Wonder Dog, or the baby Minions. I’m really tempted to buy them and find out, but you know what stops me? The spectre of latex foot funk.

  71. I feel as though that shirt is so universally loved that they recommend it to everyone.
    Clearly, this is the only plausible explanation.

  72. Once, Amazon sent me an email with the subject of “Dummy” I wasn’t sure why they felt the need to insult me. Turns out they were recommending a movie to me. Still, kinda stung a bit.

  73. But, BUT!!! You can have the shirt, because no latex. Also, I’ll bet someone makes those feet in a silicone instead of latex version. It’s worth a search, anyway.

  74. Ok now Amazon is recommending for me a car decal of a dinosaur eating a Jesus fish. sigh take my money, and throw in some lizard feet while you’re at it, they’ll confuse the hell out of my cat.

  75. My favorite thing about the sloth t-shirt are the reviews. I now feel much less stabby than I did earlier today…. digs for credit card

  76. Facebook thinks I need beer, birth control, and corsets. Now I’m pissed they don’t think I want lizard feet. Assholes.

  77. So, this totally sucks, I now want those lizard feet. Found them at Chicago Costume Co cheaper, but shipping was more expensive. But they had cool zombie stuff…check it out y’all

  78. Hey at least you got yourself a nice little ensemble for such nice prices. Perfectly dressed up for a trip to Wal-Mart!

  79. My cat passed away this year but she was a tuxedo Siamese blend with … sigh. A Hitler mustache. A really obvious and sometimes almost painful to look at Hitler mustache. And she kind of acted like Hitler to our other cat so that didn’t really help the situation. If only I had put a fake mustache on her, that would have alleviated much of the problem.

  80. Someone beat me to it in their post: there are non-latex lizard feet available on Amazon, too. Your feet don’t have to feel left out!

    These aren’t as ferocious as lizard feet, but I’d love to get them to mess with my cats (especially my orange tabby boy, who is potentially Hunter S. Thomcat’s long-lost twin):

    Additionally… now I need to buy my cats some mustaches and top hats (nope, I’m not kidding). My cats thank you ahead of time, they just don’t know it yet.

  81. Lizard feet are sold out, nice job breaking the Internet! I’m sure you can find a nice used pair on ebay, perhaps the previous use will dull down the harmful effects of Latex?

  82. I’m left wondering about the creator of lizard feet. Who finds a need in the market for lizard feet? I need to hear that story. Over wine.

  83. My brother-in-law really likes peanut butter, so I sent him two giant jars from Amazon. When Amazon said “Customers who bought that also bought this” and the “this” was 48 rolls of toilet paper, I sent him those, too – because maybe Amazon knows something about that peanut butter that I don’t…

  84. This is EXACTLY why I hate it when I let Husband use my Amazon account. It was perfectly calibrated to ME, and now one book on retirement accounts and they suddenly think I’m some financial wizard! and I WANT to be a wizard, just not a financial one. Money doesn’t like me, which is why it is always leaving me in exchange for stuff.

  85. in the 1950’s the ones with two sticks were called twin popsicles.

    a statue of st joseph, buried next to a house for sale, is sposed to help sell it faster or for more; sometimes right side up, sometimes upside down. leaving it there might help again the new owners sell it, if they are catholic.

  86. I actually have that book. It is amazing, and informative, and will give you a lot of feels.

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