PS. I put this on twitter a long time ago but people keep asking why it’s not on the blog. So now it is. It’s sort of a rerun if you follow me on twitter, but it’s still good, solid advice.
77 thoughts on “Bloggess Life Hacks that might get you arrested, part 87.”
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This month’s book club picks are fire. For @fantasticstrangelings we have Lucky Red by @claudia.cravens and for @nightmaresfromnowhere we’re sending you Dead Eleven by @jimmyjulianobooks
Advice from Dorothy Barker: Go outside and find the sunset. Touch the grass. Bark at squirrels. Pee aggressively while staring at the neighbors. Eat a bug. The usual.
Instagram makes suggested reels based on old content and I assume most people have beautiful vacation photos or wedding compilations, but this is what they suggested for me.
Sitting in ihop after graduation and “who’s gonna drive you home” comes over the sound system and now I’m lightly weeping into my pancakes but I’M FINE.
ALL THE COOL KIDS ADVERTISE HERE:
I fucking love these people & not just because they support my wine-slushee habit:
Fabulous advice. Love the photo!
I love this!! I have gotten stuck in a few dresses in changerooms before….
Your dress is beautiful BTW.
Love the added “burn the place down.” Just not Bloggess material without that.
Amen!
Oh, this is sooo much better than my method of killing my muscles at the barre studio. Because I’m really getting sick of that after a whopping 12 visits:). Thanks for the laugh!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
I’ve wanted to do exactly that in more than one dress shop.
(Does that mean BOGO now translates to “Burn Or Get Out”?)
Well if that didn’t zip, it still looks great. I hear that’s what they do at magazine photo shoots anyway because real women are not sticks. So good for you. Or maybe, you could just go naked and blur out the naughty bits. There’s that.
That fitting room looks the size of a ballroom to me! Is that an American thing? Over here they are the size of a toilet stall :/
Well, the dress looks great on you, zipped or not. It’s a shame the store had to burn down like that…
Zipped or not, you still look amazing. 🙂
Don’t forget to add this bit of crucial information:”… and suck in your gut as hard as humanly possible.” Also, feel free to reach through the computer and slap me for pointing this out but it should be “it’s” not “it” zipped up. Annoying typo, which I do all the time.
Totally works for me. And that dress totally works for you!
YES! You look damn fine in that dress by the way.
Never mind. I just realized “it” could be correct, depending on how you read it. Sorry! Was trying to be helpful. Ended up being annoying. Story of my life…
Yup. Sounds like something I would do.
Now anytime there’s a fire a a dress shop, they’ll be coming after us curvy girls first!
You look exceptionally lovely in that dress which fits you so very well. 🙂
Sounds Iike many of us have done that … Lol.. You look beautiful regardless !!!
Ha! I’ve just spent the last two weeks shopping to accommodate a 25 lb. weight gain. I’m now buying size 1X blouses and my new bra size has bore out the truth of what my mother said when she looked at me about a month ago and stated, “My GOD, your boobs are HUGE now!!” I wish I’d read this prior to shopping.
Solid advice. I’m pinning this one!
Amen to that!
Gorgeous you in that FABULOUS dress! I hate trying on anything in store dressing rooms. Mostly, I try stuff on a home, then return it. My husband refuses to let me burn down our house. He’s funny about shit like that.
To prevent police action, you may want to consider a somewhat safer alternative. Try on the most expensive dresses. Leave a little makeup stain around the neckline of each one.
I don’t get the title for this blog post. Why would you get arrested?
You look fabulous!
You look great. You are owning that dress. I prefer the stores that lie about the size, where I fit into a size eight.
This will definitely have to be featured in your Bloggess – The Movie (whenever that comes out)
I can’t wait until you see if twitter will help you with the title 😛
who needs a zipper? you look fab!
I actually got stuck in a pair of jeans I tried on. Had to call an employee into the dressing room to pull the jeans off.
Beautiful picture. Why are fitting room mirrors so unflattering? Do they do it on purpose so we won’t loiter?
This is a fantastic idea but I need a solution for trousers because the zip is in the front. I’m not convinced an arse shot on a bloke is the same as a front shot of a woman in a dress 😉
You are gorgeous! Rock that dress!
You are beautiful! Burn that place to the ground!
Could not agree more! And that picture is gorgeous!
THIS is why I joined your church.
Brilliant life advice! Why this isn’t on more billboards is beyond me.
That was the largest dress in the store? Was it a pre-teen only store?
What a great trick! Now we can have all the gravy we want.
Is burning the store to the ground also acceptable when you try on a dress that claims to be your size but is so small that you get completely stuck halfway into it and end up stumbling around the dressing room with it covering your face like one of those animals you see on the news that got their head wedged in a peanut butter jar? Not, of course, that this ever happened to me…at least not today. Sigh.
I hope you took the dress before you burned down the store! Tailors can do amazing things these days. Also . . . gorgeous.
It’s so old Hollywood. Where the women probably weren’t allowed to do much back then, but did what the fuck they wanted to anyway. It’s very Mae West, and I love it. What was the occasion? Where did you wear such a dress?
That dress is gorgeous, and you look gorgeous in it (zipped or unzipped). I’ve been doing some mad, frantic last minute shopping for a tropical wedding and nothing fits. Since it’s all been online shopping, and I really don’t want to burn down my own home what do you suggest as an alternative?
You look spectacular! Just don’t turn around.
I tried doing this with underwear. It did not end well.
That guy on Chrissley knows best is opening a clothing store. He said he didn’t want to carry anything bigger than a size 8 because he doesn’t like fat women (which means his wife couldn’t shop there), but his wife said he had to – so they will go up to size 14. I would applaud burning it down just because he’s an ass.
Ooh, I’m glad my Macy’s arson is justified, even years after prom. Those ass bastards will never see another sequin.
P.S. Love your blog and book, constantly weeping over how much i admire you omg bye
I enjoy watching the flames as I eat another donut.
I guess we can all figure out that you have to change back into your own clothes before you light the store on fire. Hard to run in a dress that won’t zip up.
Winner, winner, fried chicken dinner… THEN burn the bitch down.
It’s a beautiful dress!! 🙂
I can not tell what is in your hand, is that matches?
Don’t take your coat off so no one can see the zipper. Also, don’t take the tags off so you can return the dress the next day.
Bonus, deep pockets in said coat will let you smuggle gin or your spirit of choice into the event and a few extra dinner rolls on the way out. The chicken is always dry, you’ll need to fill up on rolls.
I don’t care if that dress fits or not. You are stunning.
I got stuck in a dress in a fitting room once. Took me a good 20 minutes, and a lot of sweat and panic to get out of it…it was like being stuck in a Chinese finger torture…the harder I tried to get out of it, the worse it stuck…I literally inched out of that sucker…
There is a store here that sells athletic wear for women. The largest size is a 12. I guess women who are larger than a 12 don’t get to work out. 🙁
Burn them down, and salt the earth if all they have are 0, 1, 2 ! ! ( although the salt the earth doesn’t really work for stores, it should!
What a gorgeous dress! What kind of store is that, because you don’t look big enough not to fit into the largest size they have. Are you shopping at the anorexic and bulimic store? Starving and unhappy store?
Yes. A million times, yes.
I’m with Jeannie. Several stores that sell workout gear have convinced me that nobody besides my Blonde Doctor wants “fat” girls to work out. Burn, baby, burn.
Love it!
Also agree with burning store to ground when they a) tell you they have the dress in your size, but it would actually fit someone three sizes smaller than you or b) Tell you to “go shop at a fat shop, we don’t have anything here that would fit you” (actually happened)
One of my friends was shopping for trendy jeans and asked if the brand came in her size. The sales clerk said, “Oh, yes, they make them in that size. But we don’t carry that size.”
Nice.
I’m running out of matches. And stores to burn. On the plus side, the whole town has a great glow to it and there is always somewhere to roast your marshmallows…
Now that’s just good consumerism! And that dress is AMAZING 🙂
“She really is such a glamorous arsonist.” “I agree, she looks fabulous in that dress.” – Fashion newscasters
This is up there with the ‘if you can’t afford those fabulous Underpants, put them on in the dressing room and then run like fuck’ life hacks 🙂
I just want to point out that my comment, which is still awaiting moderation, was addressed to those shops that only stock 0, 1, 2 sizes and don’t in anyway indicate that so, when you walk into the store, the sales people treat a “large lady” like myself like a leper. I’d avoid such shops if they in some ways could be identified. People of all sizes are not a problem, it’s the size “class” war that bothers me.
Great dress! Great comment!
Because, truly, the only way to commit arson is in a floor-length gown.
Burn the place down! haaaa! I’ve felt the same! Even if that dress didn’t zip, this is an amazing picture of you. (stupid non-zipping dress!)
Since I don’t do Twitter (character limits are of the devil), I appreciate your sharing this here bc that’s hilarious. 😉 also you rock your posing
I’m just gonna go ahead and lay out here that I have no idea what the Apple Cats people from the ad this month are trying to sell me. I wanna buy it though.
Thanks Jenny, I think you look amazing in the picture, sorry about the fire in the shop too….
Exercise clothes for those of us with recalcitrant post-baby weight* should be prettier and more abundant. I lit into the poor clerk at a store that had a huge “plus size” section — but NO EXERCISE WEAR in it. I do know it’s not her fault, and I did end my rant by apologizing and asking her to pass word up to the buyers that I am sick of wearing my husband’s sweat pants to the gym.
*that’s my story and I’m sticking to it…so the baby’s eight.
You look very glamorous!
Word
That dress is perfection – who cares if it doesn’t zip?!