I just ordered Chinese delivery but I had questions when it arrived because…um…
And the delivery guy was like “Are you sure?” and I was all, “Yeah. I’m pretty sure I’d remember if I ordered a steamed dump.” But turns out that I did order that. Because it’s steamed dumplings. It’s also a perfect example of why abbreviations are sometimes a really bad idea.
Also, Victor just pointed out that the steamed dump is literally a #2 on the menu so maybe I shouldn’t be surprised if I order a #2 and a steamed dump showed up at the door. He has a point but I’m pretty sure Victor needs to stop blaming the victim.
108 thoughts on “I did not order that.”
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I assume that the food is now sitting in the refrigerator while you wait for your appetite to return?
HAHHAHAHAHA…. That’s ridiculous. I always order mine fried.
Don’t eat it, though.
Oh my goodness – I’m totally laughing out loud. Maybe they ought to take a look at their receipts, and consider a new abbreviation for steamed dumplings? Too funny.
I bought “gourmet crack” at the store once. Or I thought I did. Turns out it was gourmet crackers. Waaayyyyy better than steamed dump.
Unless you’re REALLY hungry
It could have been worse – you could be a rogue shitter (see the funniest thing I’ve read besides your blog in forever – http://www.vice.com/en_ca/read/someone-did-a-shit-so-bad-a-british-airways-flight-had-to-turn-around-and-land-475)
Good thing you didn’t order the Plum Fuki wine!
Angry Dump sounds better.
I’ve stopped ordering shit special because the amount of PISSY that I get when they don’t do what I ask overrules me just scraping the mayo off my burger….
As long as it doesn’t come out of the box like a ‘steaming dump’ with flies buzzing around, I’d eat it.
I thought the Steamed Dump was what happened after you ate all of that.
Let us know how it all came out! 😉
I just DIED! OMG. HAHAHAHAHAHA!!
Abbreviations can be very bad ideas. My job is analysis. Abbreviating that just isn’t worth it.
I totally DID order a Steamed Dump but it’s been two days and nothing.. perhaps I need to up my fiber?
Forget the steamed dump, what’s a cheese rango? Apparently I’m not up on my Chinese food.
What is a cheese rango?!
LOL thanks for the laugh I needed it
that is why I hate abbreviations on receipts.
I work for a school and a principal sent out a note regarding cumulative folders for end of year and she wrote “cum folders”. GROSS!
I’m more weirded out by the fact that they actually punched in “chopsticks” after each order. Isn’t that just standard?
It’s either an abbreviated cheese rangoon, or a sequel to that Lizard in a Western movie that Johnny Depp did a few years ago. Now, with more cheese!
If its steaming, at least you know its fresh.
Apparently at your swankier places, you can order Gordon Ramsay Poo:
I have had my job description shortened from financial analyst to FIN ANAL. I care about fins, but not that much.
My family and I went out to eat at restaurant the other day. When we got the ticket, it claimed he’d had whale. I was totally baffled because he had catfish. Turns out the owner’s son calls two filets whale and one filet a minnow. It made for a great FB post though.
A steamed dump is probably really healthy. Cleansing and all that.
Could be worse. Could be STD DUMP. Lesser of 2 evils? Listen, Chinese Food Establishment, just splurge for wider paper, or use two lines for each item to avoid situations like this. Or hire a proofreader.
It really does look accusing in bold capitals.
Great. Now I’m hungry. THANKS.
I keep getting receipts from the grocery store with ” pot chips” listed – are those a thing?!?! They must be, and I have a pot chip problem. No wonder I’m so calm.
Does it let me post a picture? I went all Austin Powers (which is good because I was stuck on Rango for a while)
My husband has a picture of sale sign at Target giving the price of “sparkly doll ass.” I think ass was the abbreviation for assortment (sparkly dressed dolls in the toy dept), but we didn’t really investigate. An employee walked by as we were childishly giggling and taking pictures of it – we pointed it out to him and he said “I think we should charging more for that” and also took a pic of it. But then removed it. We assume to fix it…
“This entry was posted in Random Crap.” Now the office is looking at me like I’M the one with a problem!
After my dad had a stroke, I signed up for a newsletter from the National Stroke Association to learn more about how to care for him. The abbreviated subject line of the email is: National Stroke Ass. My dad has since passed on, but I’m sure he would be glad that he was responsible for me joining that group.
I’m with everyone else asking what Cheese Rango is; what is Cheese Rango?!
(Cheese rangoon. And now I’m craving them again. ~ Jenny)
I think you’re rubbing off on Victor if he noticed that the steamed dump is a number two before you did. XD
One consultant I used a few jobs ago would write “cum total” instead of cumulative total on their reports. Just make your column a teensy bit wider please so you can avoid writing cum on a client document.
Stan Kelly-Bootle in “The Devil’s DP Dictionary” (1981):
“Neglect of the subtle art of curtation has probably alienated more people than any other aspect of data processing. You order Mozart’s ‘Don Giovanni’ from your record club, and they invoice you $24.95 for MOZ DONG.”
When I was little, I thought the Pu Pu Platter was literally a “Poo Poo Platter”. A platter of poop.
That’s priceless. I hope you enjoyed eating the steamed dump. Mmm…I’m seeing water vapour swirling about coming off it in the cold air of the kitchen 😉
HAHAHA what a way to work up an appetite
I am a bit more concerned that you are eating Rango. That is just rude, and really, I don’t think Geckos are all that tasty. Though now that I think of it, is Rango a gecko? These are important questions. http://www.thewrap.com/images/2010/07/Rango.jpg
At a previous job, my title was Analytical Services Manager. They liked to abbreviate the first word to just the first four letters… What does that job description say again??
I am an assistant at a large company and one of my esteemed colleagues put me on the org chart as ‘Executive Ass’. Um no.
Oh abbreviatons, gotta love them. I used to buy a particular soda simply because the receipt always abbreviated the name to “Feeling Lime Men”. It didn’t even taste that good, but the funny made up for it.
And I thought the “Pu Pu platter” at our local place was off-putting, lol
I just love the two of you.
I’m just impressed that you’re eating with chopsticks… at home, even, with no strangers around to impress.
And here I thought I was having a shitty day.
I guarantee you that your new puppy will be excited about the steamed dump.
hee hee number two hee hee I’m four years old.
I work in the department in a retail store where they set all those abbreviations. Some of the fun ones I’ve seen… “End Species Raspberry” (for Endangered Species Raspberry Chocolate Bars), “Previously Frozen Sock” (Sockeye Salmon), and “Whipped Butt” (whipped butter). My all time favorite though was the assistant manager who put up a sign without proofreading it. It said, “We are out of _______ Skim Milk. We are substituting _____ Skim Milk. We apologize for the incontinence.” Most people had to read that last one a few times before they caught it. That one was up all weekend. It was awesome.
Haha!! I can’t believe it was #2 on the menu! Too much!
On a golf trip with a girl friend in Ireland. At checkout from the quaint inn after three nights, the bill said under each date “Room – 2. Meal – 2. Cock -2”. For single girls on a road trip, we thought that was pretty great room service. But that could have just been the “Cock” tails talking.
Oh, Jenny. I love you so!
My local Chinese place offers Crap Puffs. Yes, really. And they don’t even have the excuse of “abbreviating,” since it was on the menu, not the receipt. Yum.
Wait, did that say Duck Sauce or……never mind.
Read this post then went into the grocery store. Staring at me from the “As Seen on TV” shelf were two cookbooks: Dump Desserts and Dump Dinners. Maybe you need those.
Yeah, seriously, why didn’t you order fried dump? In my opinion and experience, the fried dumplings are superior to the steamed ones, which just seem to glom apart in the carton. The Cheese Rango, though, that’s aces.
What the hell kind of restaurants are you eating at?
I’m home today being suffocated with my own snot and feeling xtra crappy, because I feel more people should be suffering along side me. But this made me feel better, thanks!
This made my night! Thank you for sharing…and only you would have this happen!
Being as the steaming dump issue has been covered, let’s chat about the “chicken” that comes complete with order of sesame…I can almost picture you chasing a live chicken around the fridge as sesame is being tossed in the air about the chaos! : )
If I ever have a restaurant, I’m so making steamed dumps number two. I think customers need more freak outs in their lives, right?
As Joe Pesci said to Mel Gibson and Danny Glover in Lethal Weapon, they fuck you at the drive thru. I guess when you order delivery they shit on you. I love that your husband connected the number two to the whole experience. My husband, the movie aficionado, helped me remember which movie that line came from. Husbands. They’re always good for something
And after I posted that, I noticed you put it in Random Crap.
I worked for a health care company that decided to abbreviate our state counties to four letters because of space issues in the system. DuPage became DuPa or butt in Polish. Yeah, someone didn’t think that one out.
So you wanted the brown rice, not the white?
Talk about bad abbreviations, my students take “Math Anal.” I think that’s got to be one of the least comfortable ways to learn math.
Even worse, the Engrish sign for the Analyst-Therapist. The portmanteau business title was, yes, “Anal-Rapist.”
Butt Squash. My local store’s abbreviation for butternut squash. There are more – I think whoever’s job it is to load up the scanner/receipt maker has fun with it at times. Our garlic was once labeled ‘antivampire’.
Jenny, I just adore you.
I know you’ve already addressed the other abbreviation, but I keep picturing a cartoon lizard voiced by Johnny Depp made of cheese…
This made me laugh so hard I almost had my own steamed dump.
In college, the cafeteria used to put the abbreviation “Baked Pot” for baked potatoes. I still laugh when I think about it because we thought it was SO BAD! And now, I’m crying and shaking from trying not to wake up my husband by laughing hysterically. This is all so funny!
Thank you. I was having a really shitty night until now (pun unintentional). It’s amazing what one good steamed dump can do for a gal.
Cheese Rango is a Cream Cheese Rangoon. They are deep fried wontons filled with creamed cheese and served with sweet and sour sauce. They are very good.
Look at this episode of She Ra. At 3.19 she defeats the robots by shooting light out her vagina.
Daycare once abbreviated daughter’s snack on daily summary as “cheese and crack.” That’s just all kinds of wrong.
This is a bit of a non sequitur, but I hope to goodness you’ve seen this article/video of this little girl who is 11 and is a die-hard taxidermist. She RULES, and I hope she makes you a beautiful mouse diorama.
Jennifer#20 above thank you — I just learned a very important Polish word. 🙂
Here’s hoping that the Steamed Dump was a heck of a lot tastier than it sounded!
As an electronic technician I work on a piece of gear that has a light for an Analyzer Overload condition. Yup, they shortened it to Anal Overload. I snicker every time the light comes on.
At least you hadn’t gotten a Steamed Dump and XXX-Duck Sauce? I think I saw that movie… 🙁
I love Chinese restaurants. Their command of the English language is sometimes lacking enough to produce hilarious results. A friend of mine was having lunch at one years ago, when the owner (who became a friend of hers) asked her how to spell “fronda fish.” My friend had no idea what fronda fish was, but offered the most logical spelling. It didn’t occur to her until much later that she was asking about flounder.
I’ve heard of cats on menus, but this is ridiculous.
Rango was the cartoon lizard voiced by Johnny Depp in the cartoon of the same name. And now that makes me wonder if they simply stuffed the lizard with cheese and just which cartoon duck went into making the sauce.
Wow – did they charge for all the chopsticks and the duck sauce? Is that why they’re in red ink?? Criminal!
I just passed black bean soup through my nose!
Bonus for filing it under Random Crap
LOVE LOVE LOVE this….I once ordered a drink from a bar. The receipt listed it as “1 Large Cock. w/ cucum”
That one took me a while to stop laughing. My one large COCKtail with CUCUMber vodka was quite damn delicious!
I feel ya!
I failed an exam because of abbreviations. The teacher understood though. So did I.
Just goes to shows how they are sometimes a bad idea.
Ok, like on Facebook, I like this very much.
Abbreviations can be HILARIOUS, though, when you’re a kid. Or an adult with a child-like mind. Or a mammal with a sense of humor. When I was a kid, we lived on private road just outside the city limits that also happened to have a horse show ring… track? field? Whatever the hell you call it. It was owned by the county Horseman’s Association. Thus, the road I lived on was named after the landmark and called Horseman’s Association Road. You better believe I enjoyed seeing my road listed on the bus schedule posted on the front window of my school, and proudly announced to everyone gathered around it on the first day of school, “that’s my stop–Horseman’s Ass.”
I bought hot dogs…the label read…PC Free from Wiener….so satisfying to know that my hot dogs are wiener-free
you and victor should write a book on how to make a marriage work..(this is not sarcasm.)
I worked in a grocery store in college. SPERM showed up on the computer check out screen as I was scanning items. The lady who I was checking out was all “um, what is that?” I didn’t know. Honestly, I went so fast, I usually didn’t look at the items. She made my manager come over to find out what it was… She found it. Spearmint gum. Apparently, the “a” in spearmint was unnecessary in the abbreviation. The next time that lady came through, she handed me the gum and said “I’ll just put my sperm back in my purse.” Definitely my fav customer ever.
It is very good for the garden, I think you should reconsider,
I always love Victor, but I especially love him after this post.
Obviously the Cheese Rango is suffering from a break-up — it’s X duck sauce.
I was doing a peer review for a co-worker several years back, and I had to inform that when abbreviating the Year 2000 Assessment he should NOT use “2000 asses”.
I SO needed a bunch of good laughs! Helped clear out the old thoughts and loaded me up with new and freshly twisted thoughts.
I think I will like it here….
Wow – that made me laugh so hard it literally turned to tears. You save this anxious, depressed, ADHD mommy more than words can convey. Thanks Jenny!
I once went to a restaurant and ordered Butter Chicken, paying for it with my Visa card. My receipt read:
Buttchick: Entry method – swiped.
It was an awesome day.
I’ve heard Snow Crap (a type of shellfish) is also very nice. Mmmmm. Snow Crap.