I got out of bed at 2am to pee but it was cold so I hurried back, but when I jumped back into bed the blanket got caught on something when I tried to yank it up toward me and so I ended up accidentally punching myself right in the face.

And I just sat there, stunned for a minute, and then I tried to see what the blanket was caught on but it was wadded into a ball and I didn’t want to get out of bed again because I was cold and I’d just been assaulted and so I turned on my phone to use as a flashlight and turns out it was Hunter S. Thomcat.  And he was like “Yeah.  I did that.  I made you punch yourself in the face.”

And I believe it too because look at this face:


113 thoughts on “Just…no.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. HAHHA…I punched a deer in the face adjusting my coat once. It was in a lobby. I nearly knocked it off the pedestal.

  2. Welcome to my world – from cats to punching oneself in the face when trying to untangle the blanket. Then, of course the cat shreds your feet.

  3. I woke up from a terrifying nightmare where my scarf was trying to strangle me while a fisherman tried to drag me feet first from my bed…turns out Joker was happily kneading my scalp and Leonidas was playing claw the flailing feet. Because they’re cats. That’s what they do.

  4. Our Louise was a toe-biter as a kitten. (We nicknamed her Naughty Baby Fek’lhr.) Now she is the Queen of Everything. Coincidence? I think not.

  5. Oh hey, I’ve had this exact thing happen to me, hah. Though I’ve gotten back at my cat by nearly swinging my legs on top of her because it’s impossible to see her at night and where she’s passed out on my bed (black cat owner ftw).

    That’s what you get when you lay in spots that put you in harm’s way, Kiki.

  6. Sometimes I wish I had a cat so I could explain the things I think I see moving in shadows, but if I can’t have Hunter I don’t think I could find another cool enough.

  7. Sometimes I wake up in a panic because I am being attacked, and it’s just the cat loving me enthusiastically with her feet. Sometimes I wake up in a panic because the cat has been stolen, and she reacts with disdain to my startled movements because she is right there next to me.

  8. So funny!
    My cat also knows the ‘blanket face punch’ trick and has used it on many, much, numerous occasions.
    The cat can’t help herself.

  9. My cat kows whwen I wake up. I don’t have to move , open my eyes or make any noise. He just knows. And as soon as he knows he waddles up the bed steps over my head, flops his belly on the side of my face, sniffs my ear, paddy-paws my scalp (WITH claws) breathes up my nose, then gets, up turns in a circle and does it all again. And hee keeps doing thet until I disappear under the quilt, or hi finds a position which is both comfortable for him and potentially terminal for me. it usually involves large quantities of his his belly or armpit fur being stragically placed for maximum inhalation by me, with his (considerable) weight being used to to ensure maximum nostril penetration of said fur….this game ends when either my oxygen levels become dangerously depleted or I sneeze. Whether he gets the food or love he’s craving depends on various factors. If it’s dark o’clock he probably just gets thrown out to look woefully at the closing door. Light o’clock and he could be in luck….assuming he’s unsuccessful in his attempts to terminate me as we descend the stairs….

  10. YOUCH!!!!! I’ve done that. I’m sort of uncoordinated for being a Wild Rider. I pulled a muscle in my eyeball yesterday doing face yoga.

  11. LMAO I did the same thing only I had an iPhone cord in my mouth because I was too lazy to use both hands when I checked the time. When I stood up it slapped me in the face and drew blood.

  12. I’ve trained all of the kitties to not attack ‘bed mice’ (aka feet under covers), but that doesn’t stop Mr. Snuffles from pinning me to the bed by sleeping on the covers on the getting-out side and refusing to move until I have had to completely go out the other side of the bed around him. At which point, every single damned time, he then gets up and jumps off the bed.

    Since I agree with him that me getting out of bed is a bad idea, I can’t even get mad at him.

  13. This is why our cats aren’t allowed in the bedroom. Too many times I’ve woken up to the feeling of claws in my bare feet 🙁

  14. i woke up in the middle of the night and found myslef pinned down by my three cats, monkey jon, nibbles and snorts. I had to slither my way out from under them or risk attack if i disturbed their sleep- that being said how do I explain why I love cats soo much

  15. I don’t know about punching myself, but I got my husband so hard with my elbow the other night I thought for sure he’d have a black eye. Georgia Kitty doesn’t curl up in the bed, though, she just prowls the room knocking things over or eats the rug. :-/

  16. I used to have a cat who would wake me up each morning by sitting on my chest, turning her head sideways and sticking her whiskers up my nose. Gotta give her credit for ingenuity.

  17. My cats are often well behaved during the day. They change only when the sun goes down… sort of like vampires. But not completely vampires. More like completely pricks.

  18. Cats are assholes who get off on us punching ourselves in the face. Tell me again why we feed and pamper their asshole asses??

  19. I wouldn’t know how to act if I didn’t have to do acrobatic maneuvers around my cats in the morning – just to get out of bed. I KNOW they don’t move on purpose as they laugh to themselves and try to look unintersted while they watch!

  20. God, I did that the other night because the dog was standing on the blanket. Rather than tell her to “move” (which she will, but she’d’ve stepped on my fiancé) I just pulled the blanket. Urg.

  21. I’ve punched myself in the face more times than I ever want to admit. I’ve also stabbed myself in the forehead with my thumbnail. If I let our cats sleep in our room, I’d probably have a constant rotation of black eyes.

  22. I once hit myself in the face with the car door and gave myself a black eye. That takes real skill. You gotta step up your game Jenny if you’re going to compete with us big-time clumsy people (ha).

  23. This is hilarious because I have, coincidentally, just finished reading a book called How To Tell If Your Cat Is Plotting To Murder You. Haha!

  24. Oh gosh, my cat does the same thing with the attacking of the toes and my boyfriend will just punt him off the bed not literally, but something close to it.

  25. That face. Hunter ‘s exploits make my cats look like amatuers.
    And, 2am. Tuesday. Sometimes I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.

  26. I once hit myself in the face with the car door and gave myself a black eye. No cat was involved. That takes real skill. You gotta step up your game Jenny if you’re going to compete with us big-time clumsy people (ha).

  27. I got whacked in the face on Friday by A. the vacuum cleaner hose I was trying to unclog and
    B. the opened up wire hanger I was using to unclog the vacuum cleaner.

    My cats only give me affection.

    Maybe I should start giving the vacuum wet food.

  28. My Midnite will randomly get up from his comfy spot at my side to go down and bite my toe through the blanket. I’ll be damned if I can figure out how he finds it dead on every single time. Then, he walks off like nothing happened. Fuzzy little bastard.

  29. My mom just informed me that her cat jumped on her chest while she was sleeping, which resulted in her going into ventricular tachycardia. The cat literally tried to give her a heart attack!

  30. I do this pretty much ever time I try to pull up the long sleeves of my worm uniform shirts. I tug upwards, but the wrists are usually so snug that I end up punching myself in the boob. EVERY TIME.

  31. Hunter must weigh more than my cats. I’ve inadvertently sent them flying when I yank the covers in the night.

    Of course cats have variable mass, so maybe he was just feeling especially heavy.

  32. Ok same situation here, but mine is a pug. He will sit at the bottom of the bed just hogging the covers and slowly through the night the blankets will fall down past my waist. I wake up shivering and yank on the blankets but they won’t budge. I’ll finally give up and just huddle down further on the bed, then my pug, The Dude, will take that opportunity to jump up and steal my pillow. Then I have blankets galore, but no damn pillow. Good thing he is like a mini heater, if I force cuddle him enough he will give me heat and eventually vacate the pillow due to too much cuddling.

  33. Bad Kitty has a bread obsession. As in he will climb things to eat entire bags of bread, hot dog rolls, or just to lay down on the bread and smoosh it flat. Bread however, does not like Bad Kitty, which usually results in a kitty hangover in the litter box, which I can totally hear, ugh. He also has to sleep on my toddler, who then cannot roll over bc there is a cat on top of her!

  34. I work a desk job and I can’t count the amount of times I have hit myself in the head with the phone receiver while answering the phone. Because I’ve done it a lot, not because I can’t count very high.

  35. I gave myself a black eye once, when I hit my eye on the doorknob to the screen door while bending down to fast trying to keep my indoor cat from becoming an outdoor cat. Like Hunter, my cat also looked appalled and smug.

  36. And in the sisterhood of punching yourself in the face…let me share with you my story of caution. I live in Texas where the sun is BIG and BRIGHT!!! I was driving into the sun and too enthusiastically pulled my car sun visor….I punched myself smack in the face and eye. I saw cartoon tweet-y birds fly around my head. Then I realized that I was driving….and now you know why 635 in Dallas has horrible drivers. We are all knocking ourselves unconscious randomly trying to avoid the sun.


  37. I once woke up gasping for breath from a dream where I was drowning and saw my 30-pound cat lying on my chest. I truly believe they do these things on purpose.

  38. At least you can blame yours on a cat. I got out of bed in the middle of the night and fell straight over, onto my face! I didn’t even put my arms out to catch myself! All I remember was falling and then the sound of my nose going “crunch”!

  39. Once when I was lying on top of the covers of the bed one of my cats climbed up under the covers. I could see this little lump moving around. Then he got to my leg and started pushing against it and grunting. Finally he stopped.

    Do not give in to the cats. I think they respect you more.

  40. LOL!!! Thank you again for making me laugh!! You always make my day so much brighter!!

  41. I have to hide my hands in bed. One of mine will force you to pet her if she finds your hand. Then she puts an arm over your wrist, and rests her head on your hand so you will be stuck like that indefinitely because who wants to disturb such a cute kitty????

  42. Haha, I punch myself in the face all the time, except I don’t even have a cat for an excuse, just my own clumsiness.

  43. Welcome to the “I’ve punched myself in the face” club. I’ve accidentally punched myself in the face when the elbow of my coat got caught on something. I yanked up really hard and Kablam! I reacted like you, in that I was stunned, but then I couldn’t stop laughing because it must have looked funny as shit.

  44. Oh yeah, as usual, came to your blog feeling kind of crappy, needed a laugh – thank you !

  45. I’m having the type of morning where I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. This made me laugh. Stay weird sister! Oh and Hunter? Try not to be such a… Well it starts with C but doesn’t doesn’t end with ‘at’.

  46. Sorry to be unsupportive… but all I can think is that I am so glad I am not the only person who has accidentally punched themselves in the face while doing something completely normal.

  47. I have poked myself in the forehead with my own thumbnail, causing a half-moon cut & scab. Sadly, I can’t blame it on my cat/s, both dead. Only on my…thumb, that bastard.

  48. One time at our cabin my sisters and I slept out in sleeping bags around the campfire. In the morning as I was waking up I noticed something furry down by my feet. Hmmmmmmmmm, went my groggy mind. Never in my life have I ever been to happy to discover a cat.

  49. Jesus I thought I was the only one that has literally punched myself in the face pulling up a blanket. No just kidding. That’s never happened. Multiple times. That would be stoopid.

  50. We are dog-sitting our son’s 85-pound pit bull, the sweetest dog on the planet (although our cats might disagree). He prefers to sleep in the middle of the foot of my bed, right where my feet should go. Try to move an 85-rock with your foot sometime; doesn’t work.

  51. I’m the only person who has ever punched me in the face, in nearly the same scenario, minus the cat. I may have even been in bed alone. And I got a black eye.

  52. My cat does the same.thing. claws at my feet like a maniac! Beeeyotch! But I still love her!

  53. I am laughing so hard because I do this more often than I like to admit–punch myself in the face when I try to pull up the blanket–and then realize my large dog is sleeping on it and it won’t come all the way up. It hurts, doesn’t it? This has also happened when I’ve tried to take off a Spanx tank. Nope. Don’t do it. Don’t try it. Really–I warned you. Not. Fun.

  54. Aw. That adorable little asshole. I hope for your sake you don’t have much of a right hook and are feeling better!

  55. This story just further proves my point that cats are assholes. Says the crazy lady who currently has 4 cats.

  56. My boy is called Iggy, which is short of Ig-gnaw, as he likes to chew and ignore you at the same time. He isn’t really interested in attacking feet (thank goodness), but likes to play “the floor is lava” at night and get from the door to the window in two jumps – just as well the window is there to stop him going out, as he does a really good impression of a slinky piling into itself when he gets to the window.
    He also likes to sleep in window above my bed, which is fine until he falls too deeply asleep and falls off, landing on my head with all claws extended. An aerated scalp isn’t as funny when it’s your own.
    He also likes to wander around the house and yowl randomly for no apparent reason. And my mother reckons he’s a pervert, because he likes to watch when you shower or go to the loo.
    And in the middle of the night you will find you hand being lifted so that you will pat him. And when he gets nervous, he wanders around the house with his pet monkey toy.
    Still kinda like him though. Most of the time anyway.

  57. I could not help but laugh out loud! I have done the same thing, but it’s usually a kid that’s stolen the blankets. Thank you for all you do! I needed the laugh today!

  58. I have an orange tabby too and he goes from being a slightly overweight kitty when he is walking around to being a 1,000 pound lump of lead when he gets on the bed. Nothing moves him. The other cats on the bed will jump up and get out of the way if I try to move, but this guy just hunkers down and pins your legs to the bed until they go numb. He has the same expression on his face as Hunter when he does it, too. What is it with these guys?

  59. I figure a camera flash in HST’s face in the middle of the night was acceptable retribution for indirectly giving you a black eye.

  60. The hubby was being nice and got up to do the morning stuff: feed the dogs, feed the cat, feed the kids, make lunches, throw the kids out the door. I went back to sleep for a whopping 17 minutes when the evil cat realized that I wasn’t downstairs watching him eat. He reared up next to my side of the bed, shoved his tuna-breath in my face, and yowled at me for neglecting him. How dare I go back to sleep! I went downstairs. 10 minutes later I came back. He was in my spot. We named him well. BAZINGA!

  61. Totally did the same thing except I managed to also leave a giant scratch on my nose. I don’t even have a cat to blame. Tried to come up with an exciting story to explain the gouge on my nose….but everyone knows I’m a dork.

  62. I picked up my sweet, lovely Louisa cat a few years ago. She purred, and meowed, and just loved being petted and scratched…until I, for some unknown, stupid ass reason decided to flip her over on her back. She punched my eye with one of her back paws, sliced my eyelid, and gave me a black eye. I looked like I’d been in a bar fight. I was 50 years old at the time, so I looked like I’d been in a bar fight for no good, supportable reason. Still love that cat beyond all reason, too.

  63. I was laughing out loud at this, and my husband asked what was so funny. I read it to him. He didn’t seem to understand how the punch happened, so I reenacted it to demonstrate, and just punched myself in the face. Yep, I’m THAT special.

  64. It’s not cats here (we don’t have one),but I’ve woken up, CATCHING Wolf’s fist in mid launch. Yes, I’ve woken myself up, grabbing my husband’s fist before it hits me, b/c he’s having a damn nightmare, and fighting zombies or some shit.

    He also talks, whistles and LAUGHS in his sleep. And lemme tell ya, nothing creepier than someone sleep laughing.

  65. About a month ago, I accidentally punched myself in the face while trying to put on a sports bra. And you guys, it turns out I PUNCH REALLY HARD. This is why I don’t work out.

  66. I used to knee myself in the face fairly frequently when doing highly imaginative gymnastics as a kid. I stepped on a dog bone last night, puncturing my foot in 3 places and making a dandy bruise. Today, the 90 pound dog fell off the bed. I laughed at his shame and said, “that’s what you get for making me step on your bone, doghole!” And now, DOGHOLE is my favorite new noncuss word.

  67. Long ago I had a weird little cat named ‘Banana Fishbone’. Banana didn’t like people much and was a loner so I felt pretty special because he liked to sleep on the pillow beside my head, which was the closest he ever came to me (or anyone) EVER. Whilst getting ready to sleep Banana would clean his rear toes by pulling the claws through his teeth, this would cause a little jerk of his head backwards as the claw came free (leaving the dirt or whatever behind in his mouth, so ewww…). One night he’s cleaning his rear claws and he gets stuck. A fat little cat with his foot stuck in his mouth squirming around on the pillow beside my head. A cat who doesn’t like people and doesn’t like to be touched at all. But he’s STUCK and I have to help, right? As I reach over towards him he panic realizing that someone wants to offer him some humanitarian assistance and gives a MIGHTY yank on the claw stuck between his teeth. this causes his (rock-filled, I am certain) head to slam back in to my face with incredible force. I sported a split lip and black eye for over a week because my weird-add rescue cat got his foot stuck in his mouth. So yeah…. cats and bed-related injuries are a definite thing.

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