Toilet Leprechauns: Probably the Pandora’s Box of our Generation. (I added the “probably” so they can’t sue me for libel.)

David Sedaris once wrote that he often asks people waiting for his autograph questions like, “If you saw a leprechaun on the toilet would you run away or know that he meant you no harm?” and now that question haunts me.

Personally, I’d be pretty sure that anyone standing on the toilet meant to harm me because why else is he waiting to jump me in the bathroom, but I think I’d still stay because when else are you going to get the opportunity to hang with a leprechaun? Even if it murdered you it would be awesome. Not for you, I guess, but for your descendants. “DEATH BY LEPRECHAUN” it would say on my death certificate. I’d star in our family legends for decades.

The problem is that I don’t actually know what death by leprechaun looks like, and you never see a leprechaun fingered for murder so I suspect no one would know the magnificent sacrifice I made. My guess is that leprechauns just make your death look like a heart attack. We’re probably spending all this reasearch money on heart disease when really we should be focusing on leprechaun prevention.

In fact, my grandmother might have died from leprechauns. They said she died from hepatitis but who’s to say she didn’t get that hepatitis from a leprechaun? Who knows where diseases come from? Flu, hantavirus, yellow fever, leprosy, anthrax…we might have gotten the whole lot from infected toilet leprechauns.

That’s probably why my mom always made me put toilet paper on the seat before sitting on a public toilet. Because you never know how many infectious leprechauns just came out of it.

I’d like to think David Sedaris and I would be friends. Or that he’d put a restraining order on me.

Either way, we’d have a real connection, and that’s all that matters.

PS. Spellcheck is trying to tell me that “leprechauns” isn’t even a real word.  Nice try, leprechauns.  I don’t know how you infiltrated spellcheck but I’m not falling for it, assholes.

113 thoughts on “Toilet Leprechauns: Probably the Pandora’s Box of our Generation. (I added the “probably” so they can’t sue me for libel.)

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I think if the Leprechaun was doing his business on the toilet, holding the paper and looking up saying ‘doesn’t anybody knock anymore’, I would think he meant me no harm but would insist he flush and wipe down the seat. Just in case.

  2. Reading this made me feel less alone in our universe. I’ll be spending the rest of my day considering all the things leprechauns do that we blame on natural occurrences.

  3. Leprechauns are evil. Your death would be bloody. Didn’t you see that lame horror movie Jennifer Aniston did back in the 90’s?

  4. Chrome spellcheck also says that “vaginas” is not a real word. I like to think it’s because it’s afraid of the amount of power that would be concentrated in a single spot were there more than one vagina in it.

  5. When I was 9, I used to reenact the horror movie Leprechaun for my friends on the playground, because apparently, not all small children go over to their aunt’s house and watch scary movies that they probably shouldn’t watch.

  6. If the leprechaun was subsisting on a traditional Irish diet of boiled beef & cabbage, I’s ask him to courtesy flush before we got to any other inquiries.

  7. So….does leprosy come from leprocons? Because that would make so much sense.

    (My God. It’s been right under our noses all this time! ~ Jenny)

  8. I considered writing a short story about a sexy leprechaun. I have the feeling you might not read it. Well, to each his own, I suppose. Takes all types to make the world go ’round. Even toilet leprechauns, oddly enough.

  9. Searching on “leprechaun toilets” brings up some bizarre image results. Who else knew that coloring toilet water green and leaving green footprints on the toilet seat was a “fun” thing to do on St. Patricks day?!?

  10. Leprechauns are notoriously riddled with hepatitis, but I’m afraid leprosy actually comes from Unicorns. They may look pretty but those jokers are filthy. I mean, look what happened to Voldermort!

  11. Maybe he’s hiding his pot of gold in the bathroom, so people won’t look for it because. …well….poop

  12. Everything you need to know about leprechauns can be found in a movie from 1993, titled, conveniently enough, “Leprechaun.” First of all, they bite. They can kill you with a pogo stick. Four-leaf clovers are their kryptonite, but only if you stick a four-leaf clover onto a piece of chewed up gum and shoot it into the leprechaun’s open mouth with a slingshot. All of which could have been avoided if you just didn’t take his damn pot of gold in the first place. There’s nothing in the film about them hanging out in toilets, but I’d seriously consider investing in two-ply, four-leaf clover studded toilet paper. Can’t hurt.

  13. I would just knock that little bastard off the pot because I have a weak bladder and don’t want to pee my pants, godammit!

  14. Next time I’m sick I’m telling my co-workers that I probably picked something up from an Infected Toilet Leprechuan! I think the Office bathroom is infested with them.

  15. I swear I saw a leprechaun when I was in kindergarten. it was around St. Patrick’s day and I was in my little classroom and I saw him run across the room, disappearing into the wall, leaving a trail of gold glitter behind him. As I am writing this it seems more realistic that it was a mouse leaving droppings but I am going with leprechaun.

  16. Not only is leprechauns a real word, my spellchecker provides the following synonyms: sprites, elves, imps, dwarfs, dwarves, picked, gnomes, and goblins. Guess the leprechauns haven’t gotten hold of my spellchecker yet.

  17. Wouldn’t they be your descendants and not your ancestors who would read your death certificate? Unless death by leprechaun involves some sort of freaky time reversal, which I wouldn’t put past the sneaky little so-and-sos.

    (You are totally right. I suspect I wrote it correctly the first time around and leprechauns changed it so people would think I’m an untrustworthy idiot. Fucking leprechauns. ~ Jenny)

  18. I think Jennifer Aniston was in that Leprechaun movie, only she had a different nose.

    Also? My blog is CALLED Pandora S. Box and I have yet to see a leprechaun on the toilet…so I think that may be indicative of their non-existence. Unless it’s a conspiracy.

    PS, the link to the latest blog post do-hickey isn’t working….so…
    http://www.psb1969.blogspot.com

  19. If you were not married to Victor, I feel like you and David Sederis would totally hit it off. Hell, he may even let you buy towels.

  20. Leprechuans…. Yep, it’s all clear now! 🙂 I love this post, and I too would like a restraining order from Sedaris 🙂

  21. Aren’t you supposed to capture a leprechaun and make him (or, I suppose, her) grant your wishes? And why don’t we ever hear about female leprechauns?

  22. I’m thinking leprechauns are about as dangerous as an upset hamster. They’d probably drown if they fell into the toilet. The toilet leprechaun probably just ate too many marshmallows and just needed some private time to sort things out. Totally harmless. Unless they have venomous bites. A constipated leprechaun would probably be pretty annoyed if someone interrupted its toilet time. It might make it all bitey. It’s probably best you don’t stick your fingers into a leprechaun’s mouth, just to be on the safe side. Do they even make leprechaun anti-venom? Wouldn’t someone have to “milk” the venom from a leprechaun in order to synthesize anti-venom? That would be a terrible job. Plus, can you just imagine all the leprechaun harassment lawsuits that would cause?
    Hmmm…
    What were we talking about again?

  23. I was terrified of toilet demons when I was younger. I would always make my sister come with me to the bathroom in restaurants. Rarely the fear still gets me if I wake up in the middle of the night and need to pee, but it is usually overtaken by the knowledge that I am protected by a small army of gerbils and lovebirds and my bladder is full…

  24. My immediate response to that question was to picture a leprechaun on the toilet, like, using the toilet. And how could I be threatened by that? That response probably says a lot about me.

  25. “You never see a leprechaun fingered for murder” well I’m a lesbian and definitely think being fingered to death would be a gruesome way to die….

  26. Those leprechauns are tricky devils. You can’t trust them. I’m sure they are the source of all disease, nuclear weapons, and also thorns and weeds, for good measure.

  27. That lion with a migraine in the ad on the right side of the blog is freaking my shit out, and now I’m afraid he is going to puke out some leprechauns. GOODBYE, SLEEP.

  28. How did the leprechaun in the movie Leprechaun and its sequels kill people? checks IMDB They can be quite creative. If you see one on a pogo stick…run.

  29. You should write him a “let’s be friends” love letter. It worked so well for you with Amy. (Right?)

    Add a skull though. I read somewhere he likes skulls. And talk up your dead mouse connection.

    Seriously, the more I expand upon it the more I think writing him would work BETTER than it did with Amy. I imagine he’s probably expecting a love letter at this point.

  30. I have nothing of substance or humor to add, unfortunately. But I love you. You are my favorite of all time. (Faraway) hugs to you!

  31. wait, Wait, WAIT…let’s think this through…maybe the leprechauns take care of the toilet spiders. I have only seen pics of toilet spiders, I have never run into one. So maybe my toilet leprechaun is taking care of the toilet spiders, which means my leprechaun is safe. Just sayin’.

  32. That’s why when ever I go into the bathroom I bust the door open all crazy in hopes of catching the wee ones going wee wee. And for toilet goblins too cuz that is also a worry of mine. I’ve seen one when I was in the 6th grade. I remember it so crearly. I was in bed with view of the hallway leading to the bathroom. A tiny strong-arm man walks by, pauses to rummage through his little bag hanging from his belt. Then he walks into the bathroom and I hear the toilet flush. I mean come on… toilet travel. It’s a thing.

  33. David Sedaris and Jenny Lawson, two of my favorite authors. Also, I love leprechauns, even though I’ve never actually met one, so, yah. I’d def not run away if there was one on the toilet. I’ll take my leprechaun where I can find him.

  34. All I could picture was a Leprechaun dropping a load of lucky charms into the bowl, not standing on the toilet. Then, as I kept reading, my thoughts turned to that horrible 90’s movie The Leprechaun and now I’m scared to go in the bathroom. On a positive note, if I caught the little bastard I’d get his pot of gold and my daily job hunt could end.

  35. I would Totally hang out with the leprechaun! Also I am wearing my tardis dress RIGHT NOW.

  36. Not exactly related, but somewhat, since we are considering conspiracies…does anyone else here listen to Welcome to Nightvale? I have just started listening and feel like others here might appreciate its…uniqueness. Since I have not gotten too far in (only 20 episodes or so), I do not know if they have discussed toilet leprechauns at this point in time, but I do know that you can recommend they address this issue in future podcasts. We may find out the truth. And then drink to forget, as is the norm.

  37. When David Sedaris does put that restraining order on you, you’ll let us know, right? He is kind of short. And I’ve seen him wear green before. Just sayin’.

  38. I thought the Leprechaun MO was to beat you to death with a Shillelagh and then cover your corpse with four-leafed clover bahaha

  39. Are we just going to ignore the disgustingness of green excrement of either the solid or liquid variety? ICK!

  40. Leprechauns actually have a history of performing helpful acts such as milking cows or repairing small machinery. They did this even when many were the subject of fierce discrimination and forced to live in group residences known as leprechaulonies.

  41. See, when I read “leprechaun on the toilet,” I have visions of a leprechaun, say, taking a poop, not just standing on there benignly. So if I saw a leprechaun on the toilet, I’d probably run away in order to give him his privacy. But I’d wait outside the bathroom door to make sure he flushed and washed his hands.

  42. If toilet leprechauns are the ones advertising Lucky Charms, I am totally glad I don’t eat that cereal. But then, maybe leprechauns are ‘magically delicious’ and that is why they live in the toilet – so we don’t want to know how good they taste…

  43. When David Sedaris signed some of my books he drew a picture of woods and an abortion clinic featured in his dream the previous night on one, and wrote “$3 is a great price for an abortion” on another. He’s right, you know.

    (I was too freaked out to have him sign my books but our mutual friend Dylan Brody asked him to sign one for me. Sedaris wrote “Dear Jenny: Any friend of Dylan’s is a whore.” Best dedication ever. ~ Jenny)

  44. Also of note may be that perhaps leprechauns are green because of the mold that grows on them because they live so close to toilet water…

  45. That would explain so many things about an office I used to work in. I thought there was an equally ill and uncouth woman on our floor, but maybe it was leprechauns. Ill and uncouth leprechauns.
    If I had to choose an unusual demise, I’m going with crushed by a falling grand piano, a la Looney Tunes.

  46. I think someone needs to contact David Sedaris and find out whether the leprechaun was using the toilet or just standing on it in a threatening fashion. Has anyone ever asked him that? Bet he’d be thrilled to take that line of questioning further.

    (Motherfucker. I totally didn’t read it that way but I bet you’re right. So basically I rudely barged in on a leprechaun who was using the toilet and then I automatically accuse him of wanting to murder me. This says something about me and I think it’s probably not a good thing. It’s like a Rorschach test, but with toilet leprechauns. ~ Jenny)

  47. As a child, I had a fairly mild but enduring fear of leprechauns, which was a problem because I was also a cartoon addict and grew up in the age of that damn Lucky Charms commercial. So there I would be, innocently watching Scooby Doo or something and on would come the Lucky Charms commercial and I would get all skin-crawly-freaked-out by the leprechaun, who just looked like a mean, bitey drunk to me.

    The fear is (mostly) gone now, but I will admit that if I found a leprechaun on my toilet, I would probably flush him. All the more so given your very reasonable theory of infected toilet leprechauns.

  48. I would just flush. I mean, what else if faced with something strange floating around in your commode?

    DS should love you… Like all of us here!

  49. My grandmother always carried tissue paper toilet seat covers in her purse. Anytime we were in public and used the ladie’s room, out would come the tissue paper toilet seat covers. Now I know why!!!! Toilet leprechauns!!

  50. You HAVE to meet David Sedaris. The connection between your two minds would be an amazing/terrifying thing to witness. And amazing/terrifying is a pretty great thing.

  51. The important word here is “on.” If a leprechaun is ON the toilet, he is probably too preoccupied to worry about slaughtering you. If faced with this scenario, I like to think I’d yell, “Now THAT’S what you call a fine bowl of Lucky Charms!”, and run like hell.

  52. Wow, for the longest time I though I was the only one worried about leprechauns in the bathroom! I grew up in a predominantly Irish suburb, and we celebrated Saint Patrick’s Day pretty hard. Each year, a teacher in my elementary school would spend the day pouring green food coloring into the school toilets and telling us students that the leprechauns had turned the water green. I though it was pretty shady at the time. I guess I’m glad to know I’m not the only one who always checks for leprechauns (or tell-tale leprechaun signs) in unfamiliar toilets!

  53. Jenny,
    I have not read any of the responses to this post (yet) but, damn, you are so good. You’re funny, outrageous, brave, novel. Shocking. I pretty much … every time I see a post I say … Ok, they’ve all been good, give it a shot. And then I read every damn word. How the hell do you do it? You write in a way that keeps me reading to the final period. Amazing. Thanks.

  54. 7+yrs ago, I spent the good part of the night in pain, thinking it was severe pneumonia/flu, and I remember sitting on the toilet after taking my shower that morning when getting ready to go to the doctor for a follow-up appointment, being so exhausted and in such pain, thinking I might just end up in the hospital – which I did shortly there after. (I got there with less than 2 hrs to live but that’s another story). I wish I had had a leprechaun with me – CHF caused by leprechaun instead of a pulmonary embolism – now, that would have been one hell of a tale to tell! 🙂

  55. I never quite understood the toilet paper on the seat thing. My mother raised six girls to do that and to this day, I just refuse to sit on the seat if it’s public:). Oh my God. I’m even primmer than my mom was. Sheesh. I need to go have a think on that.

  56. I love Sedaris, I feel quite confident you would be a member of his chosen tribe, and if you haven’t ever heard or read his story,”6 to 8 black men.” Stop. Now. And do it.

  57. I think it’s funny that you imagine a leprechaun standing on the toilet to jump you while I imagined him sitting on the toilet, using it…

  58. I would think the leprechaun was keeping watch to prevent an attack by a toilet octopus. And now you know why an octopus hasn’t crawled out of your toilet and snatched you – leprechauns!

  59. My first thought would be Darby O’ Gill leprechaun or Jennifer Aniston leprechaun? There is a very different reaction to one who you feed whiskey and has to give you his gold if you catch him, and one who is on a magical murderous rampage. That shit is important info.

  60. I am standing here laughing like a maniac. My family is looking at me like I am one, but how do I tell them that I am imagining the havoc that may have been wreaked upon the world by infected toilet leprechauns?

  61. I was sitting on my toilet once and saw three squirrels running across the rafters. (Our house was in a constant state of renovation and my husband never finished anything). The story ended up in my first novel. Writers can find a story anywhere, even in the bathroom, so I think a leprechaun would be a lucky sign.

  62. I was once on a toilet next to a high window when a workman placed a ladder up against it and started climbing up. I saw one work gloved-hand, then the next before I managed to stop laughing long enough to pull up my pants. Sadly, I didn’t wait around to see if he was a leprechan. If only I’d known to look.

  63. Ha, I love David Sedaris and his books. I’ve seen him speak twice now. I told him it was my mom’s birthday (the tix were her present) and he gave her some hotel shampoo as a gift.

  64. Do leprechauns use toilets? According to the leprechaun users manual, they do not use toilets. You can dress them up like gnomes and put them in your garden….THEN they will fertilize your plants….that is what the book says (you can make sprinklers out of them too)……they poop under beds…..that is where they live unless you make gnomes out of them! Gnome mode this morn and EVERYTHING is GNOME related. Sorry….T:)

  65. I totally misread that. I thought the leprechaun was IN the toilet. So my original answer was “yes. Hell yes! I would be extremely leery of ANYTHING waiting for me IN the toilet. My basic instinct would be to flush. But the leprechaun would probably be expecting that and kill me and it would look like I had a heart attack before I got to use the toilet.

  66. I think that leprechauns kill by dropping their massive pots of gold on you…like safes, pianos, or 1 ton weights in cartoons. The question would then be if the leprechaun would leave some gold with your dead body as way of apology to your loved ones.

  67. Toilet leprechauns haunted my children because preschool dyed the water green on St. Patricks day. It f”*cked up potty training for sure and they still talk about it to this day. Ironically, that was the only year they did it, so I guess my kids weren’t the only ones who were terrified.

  68. Wait… is he standing on the toilet or is he just using the toilet?? Because that really makes a difference in my answers… Wait… does it?

  69. It was a jar. Pandora had a jar. And now I’m thinking the LEPRECHAUN must have come out of the jar to haunt us…. (and I can’t figure out how to log in, but you rock Jenny)

  70. Years ago when I was still trying to convince people that I was a responsible adult, I worked in a bank’s credit office. One of my jobs was reconciling accounts whose owners had died, and I had to look at a LOT of death certificates. I realized that no matter what kills you, the coroner ALWAYS lists “heart failure” as the primary cause of death and whatever else as a “secondary cause.” One of the saddest cases I had was a college student who’d hanged himself. You guessed it: the cause of death–heart failure. I mean, technically, I guess, what actually does kill you is that your heart stops. Never mind that it stopped because it was eaten by a giant frog. So, I’m fairly sure that this is actually a leprechaun-based plot so NO ONE WILL KNOW THAT THEY ARE LURKING ON OUR TOILETS WAITING TO KILL US ALL, because even if they do, the death certificate will say nothing about leprechauns. Tell the people! If you see anything green in the bathroom, DO NOT GO IN THERE. Hold it, for the love of God!

  71. So wait, are YOU on the toilet when the Leprechaun is spotted, or did you walk in on the LEPRECHAUN on the toilet? This may be an important distinction. But really, few good things happen in bathrooms, it’s best to distance oneself rapidly and safely.

  72. You folks think this is funny? Here’s the deal, if you really see a Leprechaun they are doing one of two things, checking on the health/well being of a future Leprechaun or just trying to steal your alcohol or marijuana. So if you don’t imbibe, then it’s very likely that one day you too will be a Leprechaun. No heaven, no hell, just an eternity as a very diminutive garden dweller.

  73. I just assumed the leprechaun was “on the toilet” with his knickers by his knees. You totally have the advantage for a moment. At least enough time to turn and run. I have kids, I know how it feels to have someone come into the bathroom when I’m on the toilet. I’d like to chase them off, but it takes time to put myself together. And besides, if he’s like most guys, he needs some time to “think” anyway.

  74. I suppose the answer depends on if the leprechaun looks like the one from the movie Leprechaun, or the Lucky Charms leprechaun. If it’s the first I would beat that thing with a toilet plunger until it’s a bloody pulp.

  75. if a leprechaun is standing beside me watching a bowl overflow id probably ask the leprechaun is death by leprechaun is worst than cleaning overflow .. LOL and we both end up laughing, ahem how am i suppose to know …

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