This is what I have instead of coworkers.

I sometimes miss having human coworkers to visit with over the tops of our cubicles and having people bring birthday cakes to the office, but I’ve learned to appreciate that my current coworkers (although very shitty at discussing pop-culture gossip) still manage to bring me a fair amount of office drama.

Hunter S. Thomcat and Dorothy Barker in an almost everyday scenario in my office:

hunter and dorothy barker

Then Dorothy Barker goes into the kitchen and kicks around Hunter’s food bowl until Hunter goes to investigate.  Fifteen seconds later:

dorothybarkerchair

 

And that’s why it’s sometimes nice to have fairly mute coworkers, even if they insist on never wearing pants.

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Weekly wrap up time!

Made by my friend Matthew (The Oatmeal.)   He's made of awesome.
Made by my friend Matthew (The Oatmeal.) He’s made of awesome.

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Melt: massage for couples.  Basically it’s an instructional massage video that teaches how to give bad-ass massages with a simple, step-by-step video guide.  It costs less than one professional massage and you have it forever with unlimited access.  You can watch the trailer here.  It’s super pretty and an excellent skill to know, plus you can show your partner how they’re doing it wrong.  Like, if they say “Hey, wanna see how I can disable someone with a pressure point?”  That’s not good.  Don’t do that.  Instead watch the video.  Just saying.  PS. It’s on sale until Father’s Day.  Check it out here.

77 thoughts on “This is what I have instead of coworkers.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Why would you want humans when you have more fun with Hunter S. Thomcat and Dorothy Barker. They’re hilarious and cheaper in terms of HR.

  2. Those are some pretty good ninja skills on Dorothy’s part. I have to be subjected to regrettable cross-species humping attempts between my Chihuahua and my cat. Pictures cost 19.95 on a separate site. message me.

  3. Those are some pretty slick skills on Dorothy’s part. Well done. Sadly some of my co-workers (ie my chihuahua and my indoor cat) insist on attempted cross species humping in my living room. Pictures are $19.95….message me.

  4. Those co-workers are better than the office kind. Although perhaps the office kind don’t throw up quite as much. All in all, a good trade-off.

  5. Your coworkers are so much better than mine. At least my new coworkers aren’t as bad as the psychopath I used to work with.

  6. I spend my days with non-human co-workers too. It’s awesome because not one of them ever bitches about what I have the office thermostat set at.

  7. I see this kind of thing happen all the time in my office, and it’s an office with real people (who wear pants thankfully). I don’t know, was anyone actually able to prove it’s NOT a crack pipe? And I think I’ll have to get that apron for my hubs. It would be sooo nice for him to cook me something! 🙂

  8. These are the kind of co-workers I need in my home office. What I have instead are the voices inside my head, one of whom is an asshole critic named Velveeta. She’s such a bitch.

  9. Why did the Oatmeal put so many rodents in your hair?
    That’s is a lot of hair rodenting going on.

    Also, Dorothy Barker is really clever.
    I feel super sorry for HST.

    (I think it’s an homage to my collection of taxidermied rodents. ~ Jenny)

  10. As someone who works for himself, as you do but with a ‘her’ in there, I took this issue up with with my daily companion, Obi. Based on his reply (“woof”), we have voted to support your trend-setting colleagues and make pants wearing in the workplace completely optional. Discussion about collars was tabled for a future meeting.

  11. My coworkers just sink their claws into my butt through the back of MY chair because me sitting at the computer is the signal to bring mousies to throw.

  12. You: (I think it’s an homage to my collection of taxidermied rodents. ~ Jenny)

    Me: Oh. Yeah. That makes sense.
    Though…it seems like maybe your hair would be a terrible place to leave them due to their fragile little fingers. Well, the ones that still have fragile little fingers, at least. Because can you imagine getting hair caught in their tiny paws and then trying to disentangle it and then SNAP! There goes a finger?
    Sometimes, Mr. Inman just does not think these things through. It’s a good thing he’s funny and delightful and easy to forgive.

  13. Dorothy Barker is getting good at the Miley Cyrus emoji. Miley better watch out.

  14. If my goldfish coworker had pants, it would prevent the long strings of poo coming out of his butt from swaying freely in the water. Maybe little fish pants wouldn’t be a bad idea. Or diapers.

  15. My cat Luna passed away last year, but when she was alive she was completely devious, and she knew the best way to get my attention when she wanted me to do something for her (and I was sitting at the computer ignoring her) was to find an empty plastic grocery sack and make persistent crinkling noises with it until I couldn’t stand it anymore. She never played with them unless she wanted something, because she knew it was the sound that irritated me more than anything else in the world and I would eventually have to give in.

  16. Dorothy Barker is a clever girl, but I’m sure that Hunter will get even with her. Love that apron, but if I bought one, I wouldn’t share it with my husband! And did you ever figure out if that was a crack pipe?

  17. My room mates have a complicated relationship. I got Princess Sherlock, or Sherly, a black Persian kitten as a bit of girly snuggle in my male dominated household. She is about as friendly as her namesake, and won’t let me pet her. A year later, Rory, The Dog Who Waited, came to me and is the 5 pounds of fluffy love I couldn’t have ordered for myself. The complication arises that Rory is allowed to cram his nose so far up Sherly’s ass I’m amazed she doesn’t bark, but I can’t even touch her and I put the food in her bowl.

  18. It is not a crack pipe. It is a nice pipe for smoking grass. I know because I have 2 such pipes. And about the chair, looks like they have it all figured out. 🙂

  19. That paw looks like it broke the sound barrier, but DB’s got some serious Ninja moves. This is what my co-workers email me from YouTube, and you get it live.

  20. Asian Panda Keeper: “Come HERE Liu-Ling! Take your medicine!” Unruly Panda 1: “NO IT TASTES YUCKY – GEROFF ME!” Unruly Panda 2: “I WILL SAVE YOU!” Asian Panda Keeper: “Stop that that! Liu-Ling needs to take her medicine!” Unruly Panda 1: “HUG HIM UNTIL HE GOES AWAY!” Unruly Panda 2: “OK!” (1-2-3 COMMENCE BABY PANDA DOUBLE HUG ACTION) Asian Panda Keeper: (sigh)

  21. I can’t help but think that giving those baby pandas their medicine would have been so much easier if they just separated them for like two seconds. Just two seconds.

  22. Hey Jenny, I have a weird-ass animal for you, if you’re interested. (Yes, he’s taxidermied. Taxi-done? Taxi’d?) He’s a jackalope. For reals! Well, sort of reals. Ma’s trying to sell the poor feller, but I said that if he doesn’t go at their yard sale I might know someone who’d want this awesomely strange…thing.

  23. I would prefer four-legged, furry co-workers… Although, Kevin is furry, it’s just not the same…. And he’s missing two legs. I don’t mean he’s missing his two regular legs, not that there would be anything wrong with that, I just mean he’s missing the two extra legs that a dog or cat would have. Unless he absorbed a twin in utero and has a miniature pair hanging limply from his abdomen… But that’s still not the same. And the thought is a little unsettling. Oh God, now I’ll have to explain why I’m staring at his abdomen. Thanks, Jenny.

  24. I just Loved this. I have nothing cute or funny or entertaining to say. Just thanks for the smiles, laughter makes life so much better, and your coworkers are adorable. And fierce.

  25. I wish that I could add a photo with my study buddies from today (Choco lab and maincoon cat in my lap as I was reading for summer courses)! Great to meet you in class last semester at UNO, checkout my blog. Building a platform is proving to be very difficult–but I am sticking with it. My blog and sister (of whom I dedicate my blog to) are far too imp 😉
    #women#women’s health#mothers#sisters#friends#SISTERHOOD.
    Great to meet you again, whenever you find time–if you do!!!;)
    LOVE UR BLOG

  26. after a long day, this is my happy : D. My co workers are mostly quiet and refusing to wear pants also lol. I have to say my favorite days are spent in my jammies, which is not often enough for my liking.

  27. That is my life exactly but insert two pugs and my lap being the covetted object.

  28. I’m happy to have found this place, as I’ve been searching this morning for a platform like this to bounce off some random thoughts I had. If this is the wrong kind of place I get it, but it seems like a pretty genuine female community for a very genuine thought/question. I need more opinions!

    I was looking up porn magazines for women the other day, me and my friend are making a kind of gag gift for a friend’s birthday, and of course as most of us have realized at some point, there is just not much out there for women- but it really, REALLY hit me the other day. And I haven’t been able to get the concept out of my mind since:

    What would a porn magazine for women really entail? Could it actually happen?

    Would it be bought? In what format would it be? What kind of visuals would it include? What do women want to see in porn? Would that just perpetuate the system, or would it give women an outlet of empowerment? Would there need to be more of other kind of format? Written, etc.?

    I would LOVE to hear your thoughts.

  29. The unnamed place where I work let me look at the crack pipe, but blocked the Baby Pandas. Somehow, I think priorities have gotten a little confused.

  30. Because the chair I had for a long time was stained with Krispy Kreme doughnut shavings my coworkers never wanted to steal it or sit in it. I’m pretty sure some thought it looked like something else, even though that would have resulted from something I’d never do at work. Hey, I keep my pants on in the office.

  31. OMG! They are awesome and amazing! I would rather have them for coworkers than some I have now! You did amazing on the photography. This brought a smile to my face on a Monday…Thank you!

  32. Gotta say, in that chair, Hunter S. looks like he has become a deliciously fat yellow cat. I think we need more pictures!

  33. The revenge of the dog. Gotta love it. Nothing quite like distracting techniques. However, i’d keep an eye on Hunter S; you could come home at some point and find a re-staging of the Gingham Dog and the Calico Cat

  34. I was just wondering the other day, Who would buy those unnatural flowers? Now I know. I think the hair critters are a variant on “apply kittens where it hurts…”

  35. Did you know there is a typo on the notebook? Bottom center image. I think “on” should be “one”.

    (Dammit. Those cats can’t spell worth shit. ~ Jenny)

  36. Our cat is dog hating a bad-ass. Our gigantic English Mastiff is terrified of her, so she has not only a couch to herself but a WHOLE FLOOR OF THE HOUSE. They’ve both signed a treaty; the stairs are a no-fly zone. The dog doesn’t go down, and the cat doesn’t come up. When the cat isn’t down there defending her lair, she’s outside, hiding in the yard and launching attacks on unsuspecting neighborhood dogs. I recently saw her sail down on a poor, geriatric Border Collie who was minding his own business. She descended on him like a large, angry flying squirrel. I was horrified and apologized profusely to the dog’s owner as I disengaged all five points of contact from her traumatized animal. We are seriously considering getting a Warning: Attack Cat sign, but we’re worried it will look like a joke.

    People don’t walk their dogs by our house much anymore.

  37. HAHAHA! That’s pretty awesome! We only have a dog now (but miss our cat terribly) – a Shih Tzu named Louie. Louie is a small dog, but considers the couch his domain. Hell be all curled up fast asleep until we get ready to sit down next to him – then he stretches out full length. Since he’s a “long wheel-based” dog, he takes up over half the couch! And he’s not above pushing you out of the way if you get too close! 🙂

  38. I work from home with my four dogs. You are right about them not being very up on the news or pop culture, but they do add a level of excitement – particularly when I am on the phone.

  39. This sounds like my cats when they were younger.
    “Move over, you lap hog!”
    “Don’t want to.”
    “Move!”
    “Nope.”
    “Wanna play?? Come on, come get me bro!”
    “I can take you! You aren’t so tough!”
    “Meh. Changed my mind.” <stretch, snore>

  40. I’m sorry. I admit that I tried not to laugh at this, keeping my composure like a sophisticated reader should, but I failed. I really failed.

  41. Casting a toy dog in a scene I see played out every single night with an all-cat cast turns an overwrought community theater Tennessee Williams production into a Broadway revival of a classic Kaufman and Hart comedy.

  42. You’ve seen exactly what it would be like if your daughter had a baby brother or sister. Except not as hairy. Although I’m not sure how hairy your daughter is. But I’m guessing not as hairy as Hunter or Dorothy. Not that it’s any of my business.

  43. The only problem with that apron is the pocket right on the boobular area. Mine are vast acres of family chest so I wouldn’t be able to see what I was doing with that pocket on top as well.

  44. picked up your book at the thrift store. u may not’ve made any money on it, but u gained a new fan. u r a sparkling, wondrous writer who makes ordinary English pop and explode. I haven’t laughed so much since “catch 22” or “nothing’s sacred.” I envy your acceptance of your weird brain. it wasn’t until recently I accepted my damaged cerebrum (probably caused by the navy doctor’s telling my mom “sure, smoke ’em if you have ’em”). I’d always had strange musings, but denied I had ’em til my college writing class. the shit that came out-well, I received an “A”, so it’s good for something. thanks for the experience-promise next book I will buy in a proper bookstore with my barnes and noble gift card.

  45. The territorial skirmish between the dog and the cat just makes me giggle. Mostly because it’s so true. We watch it play out here all the time.

  46. Maybe it’s just me, but the chair changed colors, just like that stupid freaking gold dress that the internet wouldn’t shut up about. Blue stripes, and then brown stripes. Pretty sure it’s just a matter of lighting – but you could start a whole nother web battle over what color your chair is.

  47. My coworkers bark orders at me all day so I see no difference here except that I would probably get sent to HR if I tried to pet them.

  48. Most writers I know are nutty in some way. That’s cos we spend so much time in our own brains. There are times I get lonely and think, “Wouldn’t it be great to bounce ideas off someone, collaborate, work as a team? What we couldn’t achieve!” My last couple of attempts have been lots of learning but also lots of pain. Now I’m back at my desk, happy to be nutty, solo.

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