Jesus, Siri.

Victor and I were having an argument about why we say that a pig says “oink” when really they make that piggy snorting noise.  I said it’s because the pigs snorty noise is impossible to spell but Victor disagreed so I turned to Siri and asked her for help:

jesus siri bloggess

Jesus, Siri.  

You need to get some help.


And now, the weekly wrap-up…

Usually I use one of my weekly graphics here but I’m mixing it up today because my friend Natalie made me this and it makes me smile:

bloggess life is expensive

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):


Shit you should buy or steal because it’s awesome:  

  • Nimona: A graphic novel.  (Nemisis!  Dragons!  Science! Symbolism!)  I finished it last night.  Hailey is devouring it now.

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Jethro Collins, author of Love in The Time of Contracts.  (Which is on sale now for only $2.99)  A little taste: Would you live a sparkling, glamorous lie for a few million dollars?
Hollywood action movie superstar John Hamilton has a secret, and he needs the perfect trophy wife to cover it up. Xanax-popping has-been actress Jenna Wells needs a miracle.  John’s double life is meticulously planned and concealed by the Association, a cult-like religious group made up of the Hollywood elite. The Association has the ability to make and break careers, forcing Jenna to play the part of the perfect fiancée.  Hollywood is a place where they’ll pay you a thousand dollars for a kiss and fifty cents for your soul. Will Jenna take the money? Or will she follow her heart?  Click here to find out.

68 thoughts on “Jesus, Siri.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. In fairness, no one can be blamed for advice dispensed by Yahoo Answers which exists in its own pocket universe where our physical laws do not apply.

  2. Ha! I interviewed the voice of SIRI who is real, very smart, and cool. But SIRI on my phone can be incredibly stupid!

    (I’m pretty sure we follow each other on twitter. It’s insane the bizarre discussions we’ve had that she’s not even aware of. ~ Jenny)

  3. Ya know, it’s actually good advice. Not that I’d ever, in a million gazillion quadtrillion years ever try it.

    FWIW, the pigs I work with either make fun little low-pitched grunting noises or ear-piercing screeching screams. There seems to be absolutely no middle ground.

  4. You could have just searched facebook for Catfish Cooley, it’s more of a snort only in reverse and with alcohol.

  5. It’s good advice unless you happen to be a pig yourself, in which case I’d have to say go for it…

  6. I’m quite concerned about how definite the answer giver is. Not one “never” but 2. Was the first time they tried not enough to persuade them? Also, you can’t spell the snort pigs make. Oink is closest.

  7. Would have really really loved a photo of the boy teddy bear — two flowers and a leaf? Thanks as always for brightening my day. Sometimes I think you don’t realize just how much you are helping, at least one person right here! xo

  8. That image is so going up as my facebook cover … fantastic. Yes people, life is hard, stop making it worse by being jerks for no reason.

  9. I LOVE NIMONA! I’d been reading it online, and cried when it ended.

  10. I just love that chicken. It gets me laughing every time I see it. And the teddy bear cake, oh go take a pill and chill. Some Christians are just too full of themselves and want shit for free. I noticed in the story she didn’t offer to bring it back for refund. She wanted her cake and money too…lol. Cheap bitch.

  11. Haha, you can’t deny it’s good advice. Never have sex with a pig has a lot of merit to it. I need to ask Siri for more things. I hope you have a great day Jenny.

  12. To #4 I too don’t have a smartphone. Useless and annoying. Also my boss says I can ask hers questions, and I say NO. I hate it when machines talk to me. I avoid the self-checkout at WalMart like the plague. Machines should not talk to me. Period.

    And I totally need that picture as a shirt. I would totally wear it to 4th of July and scandalize my family.

  13. That isn’t Siri’s fault, it just searched it in Google. Blame Google’s algorithm if you have to blame something.

  14. On wine slushies… have you ever had the ones at the Wimberly Valley Winery in Driftwood? Because they’re blue, and awesome.

  15. my opinion is that siri is us-centric. in different countries, they assign different words to animal noises…the only one i can think of off the top of my head is that in japan, dogs say “wung, wung” instead of “woof woof” or “bark bark” 🙂

  16. I you know, right? (no sex with pigs)

  17. I’m not even sure if this would be a correct usage of “confused,” but my brain thought you meant New York mixed up your identity with the identity of water. And I thought New York must be stupid because, no offense, but water is way more famous than you.

  18. On my first trip to Russia in the early 90’s (as a student) I went to a fancy (for Moscow at least) restaurant with a Russian friend. My Russian language skills at the time were very poor; her English skills were non-existent. We were served a several course meal that included a meat entree (I don’t eat meat but that’s not the funny part). This unfamiliar meat was placed in front of me and I asked my friend, “What animal is this?”. She said the name but I didn’t know it. Then she said, “It goes, ‘Hroo-Hroo'”. And I was like, “What in the hell animal is THAT?”. She told me it had a circle nose and that’s when I realized it was a pig. And I told her our version was “Oink, oink”, which I agree doesn’t really sound correct. We spent the rest of our meal sharing Russian and English animal sounds. It was hysterical. Just your typical American tourist making-her-country-proud kind of moment you know…

  19. I grew up in Wigan. I’m not surprised by any if this. I left Wigan for the cleaner, more modest atmosphere of the city. There I could rest easy that the only teddy bears with vaginas for sale could be found in sex shops.

    Really not kidding about Wigan. It’s the kind of town where no one will tell you that you are putting vaginas on your teddy bears just to see how long you it takes you to stop.

  20. Ha! English-speaking cows say moo. Bengali-speaking cows say hamba. (I kid you not.) And seriously, I can hear both languages as being onomatopoeic.

  21. Maybe Siri recently watched Deliverance! Also, dodo, I totally thought the same thing!

  22. You should snort like a pig at Siri, and see what she does. I had a friend who said that whenever she or her daughter snorted with laughter in the car, her phone would ask if it wanted to call me. Apparently SNORT somehow translates to “Please call my friend Deaux?” in binary.

  23. In case you haven’t figured it out yet, Siri has a wicked sense of humor!

  24. Thanks Jenny! Now I’ll be wondering about pig sounds all night! I’ll be drifting off into a fitful slumber when I’ll think ” We are a highly developed species, and oink is what we came up with! Who decides these things. And another thing! Fork is a weird word”

  25. I fear that I have been a bad influence on my friend Siri. Sorry. I entertain myself in traffic by sending swear-filled voice texts to my friends, and hearing Siri read them back to me. It cheers me up to hear her say, “Your message to Steff says, “Some fucking asshole in one of those douchebag Hummers just cut me off.” Would you like me to send it?”

    Yes, I am a 12 year old stuck in a 36 year old body.

  26. Everyone seems to think “never have sex with a pig” is good advice, but it’s bad advice if you’re a pig. If you’re a pig it should be “only have sex with a pig if both of you consent to it”.

    And according to an old French textbook I have the pig says “gron-gron”. That seems like a noise a lot of species, especially humans, make when having sex. But please only have sex within your own species. And with consent. Never have sex with someone else who doesn’t want to regardless of your species.

  27. I’m starting to feel like Siri is that really drunk person at the end of the bar who just keeps chiming in on your conversation at random.

  28. Okay, I must have as dirty of a mind as Siri, because all I can see when I look at the cartoon of the chicken is a pair of large testicles (under the beak) and a small, droopy penis (under the eye). I’m sorry if that ruins everything. 🙁

  29. Siri is a crafty one. I’ve just started using my mic to text and she nearly sent my friend a text that said, “I agree, Excrement!” I was not calling my friend s**t, promise. I had stumbled over “exclamation point.” I call her a dumb blonde (Siri, not my friend, silly) and she hates me for it . . .

  30. I’ve always wanted to spell it “ugghnnk” because that’s how it sounds in my head but it doesn’t really work on paper. Also, there’s probably a “ch” in there I’m missing.

  31. Regarding the teddy bear – what frightens me the most is that a woman who gave birth thinks her vagina shows on her lower belly when she sits down. And that her church has a higher than average percentage of perverts (or equally ignorant people regarding vagina placement.) I feel sorry for the girl.

  32. I guess having sex with a pig would bring new meaning to the phrase “bring home the bacon”.

    Think I’ll be a vegan now. Thanks.

  33. Just. No.

    I never fail to be in awe of the answers I didn’t want to see, to perfectly innocent search queries.

  34. I bought the collins book for my kindle and read it in 2 days. Thanks for the tip! 🙂 And also reminding me to never ever have sex with a pig. ha!

  35. Perhaps Siri has viewed Deliverance one too many times. I hate her. She makes that Joaquin Phoenix movie about falling in love with the voice in his phone complete bullshit.

  36. On that haughty stare you received when you ordered tap water in NYC — don’t worry, no matter what you ordered, you would have received that same haughty stare. It’s included in the service here. Feel free to tip extra because of it.

    And for Siri’s admonition — some animals are more equal than others.

  37. Well, I’m off to buy a lottery ticket because…I JUST SCORED A FURIOUSLY HAPPY PRE-PUB!! And I don’t even care about the side-eyes I’m getting from my co-workers as I sit vibrating in my chair.

  38. I am going to do it. I am finally going to MAKE my husband commit to filming our children. No, not them. The other ones. You see, I know YOU of all all people will understand this. We have these… other children. One is an Otter. Her name is Petey (short for Peter B. Jamie, so her initials are PBJ Otter.), and does she ever have ‘otter-tude’! Another is Jelly, and he’s a pig. Petey talks, much like you or I, but she’s only 6 years old. Jelly is a pig, and as such sounds like a pig.

    Mostly, I do most of Petey’s voice, and Doug does all of Jelly… because I can’t . It’s a gift. Once you hear it, you’ll understand. And then you will also KNOW what sound a pig makes. And you can tell Siri. 🙂

    And hopefully you’ll laugh as well. A lot of my posts will make a LOT more sense, like this one, the day after surgery on my foot, as I said goodbye to my husband, whom I refer to as “The Saint”:

    I kissed the Saint goodbye, and told him, “Have a good day”. His response was Mnyahun.

    I said, “Mnyahun? What’s Mnyahun? How the hell do you spell mnyahun?”

    “O. I. N. K.”

    I almost fell out of bed laughing. The stuffed piglet and sheep both stuck their heads up and said, ” Nuh uhn!”

    Yes, they DID give me some great meds. No, I’m NOT hallucinating. You’d have to meet the stuffed pig and sheep sometime. it would make a lot more sense.
    Petey the Otter said, “Daddy, you can’t say tings like Mommy, how you spell Mnyahun? Daddy, you gettin mommy all confused!”
    Yes, Petey…and everyone else, too.
    Good morning my boys, family, friends and loved ones. And anyone else that’s nuts enough to either read, or even more, understand this post. laugh Welcome to my life!

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: