19 years is angry men making you feel bad about peeing.

Tomorrow is our wedding anniversary and that means that Victor and I have been married for 19 years.

15 years was giant metal chickens and I think 17 years was when I rented that sloth and a tiny kangaroo to surprise Victor in our living room (he was very surprised) but I didn’t know what to do for year 19 until I saw this painting for sale in the lobby of a children’s pizza restaurant:

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Yes.  It’s the Anchormen, ready for a fight and armed with grenades and guns and  clubs.  And it is majestic.

Victor didn’t entirely see its magic and claimed that it didn’t match anything but in fairness I think that speaks to how uncolorful and non-violent the rest of the house is currently. But turns out that it totally goes in the guest bathroom.  The same one where I stuck a six-foot surprise bear mural on the wall.  So now it looks like the anchormen are fighting an angry grizzly, and that is the magic of our bathroom.

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Victor says it’s unsettling to have an agitated Champ Kind’s junk staring him in the face while he’s peeing and I was like, “Why would his junk be in your face?  What are you doing in the bathroom?” and then Victor reminded me that men pee standing up.

And I was like, “Oh, right.  See!  19 years and we still have mystery in our marriage.  We are awesome.”

Victor disagrees that men standing up to pee is really “a mystery” but I think it’s all in how you look at it.  Plus, it’s nice because now when other men are peeing in our bathroom they’ll be less likely to make a mess because now there are four angry news men glaring at them threateningly, plus a giant bear waiting behind them.

Our bathroom theme is: "DON'T PEE ON THE SEAT. ASSHOLE."
Our bathroom theme is: “DON’T PEE ON THE SEAT. ASSHOLE.”

In fact, it might keep people out of the guest bathroom altogether which means less cleaning.   So basically for our 19th anniversary we got the present of people peeing in our bushes because our bathroom is now too intimidating to use.  So it’s a present for us and for our neighbors who I’m certain will be entertained by it all.

PS.  I just turned off the light in the bathroom and turns out that this painting FUCKING GLOWS IN THE DARK.  Sweet baby Jesus, y’all. It’s like if the Mona Lisa smelled of cinnamon rolls and also cured polio.

PPS.  Happy anniversary, Victor.  I love you madly.

179 thoughts on “19 years is angry men making you feel bad about peeing.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Oh Jenny thank you for that huge belly laugh. I LOVE that it glows in the dark. Brillilant.

    I’m not sure if I’d be brave enough to use your guest bathroom either.

    But regardless – happy anniversary!!

  2. Y’all should be in the marriage hall of fame. And if that’s not a thing, you should write a letter to someone in high authority (Huey Lewis?) and have one created. Then be put in it. Happy Anniversary, you amazing people, you!

  3. Trying to decide i being married to you is the worst or the best thing. I bet Victor has been doing the same for the past 19 years.

  4. HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!

    A couple of years ago I was staying in a chichi hotel, and they had weird photos in the rooms. Over the toilet was a photo of a very young (4-6?) boy, a Dickensian street urchin, looking askance at me. It was very unsettling.

    What I’m saying is that you should be a hotel manager, or at least their interior designer.

    (in case your blog s/w doesn’t say, this is Phil Plait here. 🙂

  5. Ack, hit ‘send’ too fast. Actually, one of the Terror Toddlers did. That kid needs a nap. And so do I.

    Where was I?

    Ah yes. I’m willing to concede Victor enjoys your anniversaries more than I do, simply b/c he’s the one, yanno, actually married to you.

    But I think I might enjoy your anniversary gifts more than the ones I get, which means Wolf needs to step up his game.

  6. I feel inadequate. I have been wracking my brain for what to do for our 25th, coming up in a couple months. Do you know if they have another of these paintings? Or if the artist would not mind re-creating his masterpiece on the side of a Harley Softtail? I am sure my husband would not mind.

  7. That is, without a doubt, the most amazing guest bathroom ever. And I say that as a woman whose uncle’s bathroom had a framed picture of my own father after a hockey-fight that left him without front teeth, facing the toilet.

  8. I love you, Jenny! And you’ve given me a great idea for our 17th anniversary in October… I’ll use your 19th anniversary idea to “decorate” the guest bathroom so my dear Spousal Unit stops making such a mess in there! You and Victor are absolutely brilliant!

    Happy Anniversary to both of you.

  9. I would pay $5 and/or give you a sloth as a gift just for the chance to pee in that bathroom.

  10. I’m not even much of an Anchorman fan but this is the best thing ever. Especially since it glows. Things that glow in the dark are much greater than things that don’t.

  11. I can just see the divorce proceedings…

    The judge: “You want a divorce because there’s a giant bear in the guest bathroom growling at your junk?

    Victor: “And four angry men.”

    Not that it’ll ever happen. Victor is obviously mad for you too.

  12. I wonder if the glow in the dark paint works like black lights that show cat pee? Then you’d know if someone violated the no-pee-on-the-seat sign immediately.

    Happy anniversary!

  13. I fear you have created a different problem now Jenny. if it glows in the dark, people might try peeing with the lights out, and that just can not be good.

  14. You are the best at anniversaries. Ever. If Victor doesn’t see that, well, he just doesn’t appreciate your genius.

  15. I <3 U. Thank you for sharing your weird, your pain, your love, and your joy with us. Happy Anniversary.

  16. That is a way better present than I got my hubby for our 16th wedding anniversary last month. Which was basically a card. I love it. Happy anniversary!

  17. Happy anniversary to both of you! When I buy a house I want to hire you to decorate it. Your next calling: interior design!

  18. That is perfect. In fact, I don’t think anyone should pee in their bathrooms, it would make cleanliness so much easier. Someone needs to work on a pill so I never have to pee again.

  19. Victor is a lucky man. Or else your guests are lucky to be able to use that bathroom. Or both. I love the painting.

  20. I understand that men have the choice to pee while standing. What I don’t understand is WHY THEY NEVER WIPE. This leads to pee stains in underwear, which is gross and why men should have to do their own laundry.

  21. So it think im just going to make a bit of code that just prints “holy shit I’m gonna piss,you make me laugh so hard”
    Because I can then save myself some time as most if your posts do that.
    I dont know how Victor doesn’t have a permanently sore face from laughing!
    tha.

  22. “It’s like if the Mona Lisa smelled of cinnamon rolls and also cured polio.” i think i need to use your bathroom because that made me pee a little. except i don’t know if i physically could with the giant bear on the wall.

  23. That is ridiculously awesome – as are you! Congrats to you and Victor! Happiest of anniversaries!

  24. Love the artwork, but those with a nervous bladder should be warned 🙂 Still think the Bear mural is the best house artwork I’ve ever seen.

  25. Happy anniversary! Years ago (like, back in the ’60s), my grandmother bought a three-foot-high crucifix that glowed in the dark. My mom still has it, under her bed, because it’s too large to hang on the wall. The glow in the dark paint wore off long before I was born but: imagine your typical crucifix with like, the bleeding wounds of Jesus and whatnot– only it goes when you turn off the lights.
    Also, my grandmother bought it from a door-to-door salesman and asked him to come back the next week so she could give him a second check for the balance due.

    This is probably why I never hid under my parents’ bed as a kid. Good job, Mom (and Grandma, whom I never met).

  26. That picture is everything. What an amazing anniversary gift!

    There were horses, and a man on fire, and I killed a guy with a trident. — I love Brick!

  27. You are the best wife that ever was. Don’t ever let Victor tell you any different!

  28. This really ups the ante on my upcoming 25th next month. But on the other hand, you and Victor are well matched, and I love that. Happy anniversary!

  29. Happy anniversary to you and Victor!
    (And I’m celebrating the fact that this means I’ve been following you for 4 years now. 11 more years til OUR metal chicken. Love you Jenny!)

  30. I used to vacation at this cottage that had Anne Geddes prints on chip board hanging in the shower. One was of a baby laying in roses with a penis shaped rose-bud between it’s legs. I think your bathroom decor is far less disturbing than a penis shaped rose-bud watching me shower.

  31. I honestly wish I was married to you just so I could anniversary gifts like this, though my husband did bring me freshly made guacamole and chips for our 18th so that was pretty close to perfection.

  32. I mean this in the least creepy way possible: my bucket list now includes being an invited guest in your house so I can pee in that bathroom.

  33. Great, my 34th anniversary is in January and that’s what I was going to get my husband. Back to the drawing board!

  34. I’m moving today, and I so needed this!! I’ll share it with my roommates as room decoration inspiration! Thanks for the much appreciated injection of humor!

  35. Maybe it’s just me but it looks like the Anchormen and Kevin are actually joining forces to destroy your bathroom cabinets. So it’s the cabinets that are unsettling, not the painting. Victor’s distrust of the Anchormen is therefore entirely misplaced and I think he owes them an apology.

    Happy anniversary, by the way.

  36. Why is Victor peeing into the toilet sideways? THAT is the real question…

  37. I rarely comment on blogs, and I’ve never commented here, either. But… but that painting… I LOVE IT… wish I knew who the artist was so I could get one for my husband, because that kind of gift would be hard core.

    (It’s from Brass Monkey Studio in Austin. Not sure the actual artist or if they’re even painting anymore. ~ Jenny)

  38. I just saw on a vlog where a couple put a picture of them holding their noses in their guest bathroom. So when you sit down to do your business you look at them holding their noses. Hilarious!

  39. That is awesome! I bought my husband a horse head squirrel feeder because he hates the squirrels and this feeder makes the squirrels look like they’re wearing a horse mask. Which I thought was hilarious….until my 4 year old granddaughter asked her mother……Mom…why did gaga cut the head off that horse. I’ve damaged the child.

  40. Happy anniversary to you and Victor. Jenny, you are a beautiful person!

  41. OMG, how can Victor not see the majestic glory of that painting??? It is a thing of beauty!!

  42. Happy anniversary to you and Victor, Jenny. Did Victor mention that when men pee standing and they are together they ‘sword’ fight!!!

  43. My former roommate and I had a picture of us from the Dachshund Derby (standing in front of a giant dachshund statue, holding a dachshund, thumbs-upping at the camera) over our toilet. The first time we had men over, they were kind of horrified to find us enthusiastically thumbs-upping them while they urinated. Needless to say, we never moved the picture.

  44. Hey, my 39th wedding anniversary is tomorrow too! We got married in the Bicentennial Year. We thought being married on the 4th of July would make it easier to remember anniversaries. Plus, we can pretend everyone is shooting off fireworks just for us. Here in central Texas they have fireworks stands where you can “buy one, get eleven free!” Makes the celebration of our nuptials almost impossible to pass up. Happy 19th, Jenny and Victor! Glad to share the day with y’all.

  45. I was just telling my Gerald the other day that I’d like to make our hall bathroom more fun, more interesting. I’m thinking about buying that SWEET sloth shower curtain you linked to sometime back. But pretty sure now I have to do just more than the sloth. You’ve just upped the ante. I’m sure Gerald will thank you. I’ll try to remember to send you a pic after the remodel. 🙂

  46. I think it’s awesome that you remember how many years you’ve been married. This past year I gave my husband an anniversary card that said ” Happy 5 or 6 year anniversary .” I’m really not an insensitive bitch. I just can’t seem to remember !
    On an entirely different note: People who breed Chihuahuas who don’t know what they’re doing: ( the people, not the Chihuahua) STOP!!!

    (Sorry about that little rant, Jenny. I’m a vet tech & we are prepping for an emergency c-section because people are assholes!)

  47. A Texan (with a Big Schlong) and a Frenchman peeing side by side. Frenchman is staring at the Schlong. ‘Say Bo’ says the Texan, angry. Frenchman: ‘C’est Beau? Monsieur. C’est Magnifique!’

  48. I love that you and I share anniversary years. You got this for Victor and I got my husband POP Vinyl Daredevils.

    Also, can I come visit you? I’d like to take a picture with your bear.

  49. It’s like the universe had a plan. Who would have thought that when you got the bear there would be a whole plotline to make it make sense? Now all you need is a “Sex Panther” by Odeon air freshner, with bits of panther, so you know it’s good (which your dad can probably totally get/make for you).

    (True story: I bought him Sex Panther cologne last year. IT’S REAL. ~ Jenny)

  50. Glows in the dark? My Lord, what next? Please, what next? LOL.Congrats on the anniversary.

  51. I would put that on the ceiling in the bedroom then put up a hidden camera to capture the reaction once the lights are out.

  52. Have a friend whose bathroom has a Samurai bringing down a sword on the wall behind the toilet. He took the picture and put it up, and I sure am glad I’m female.

  53. Have a friend with a big photo of a fierce samurai warrior bringing down his sword — on the wall just above the toilet tank. Lotsa guys peeing in the bushed there, or maybe on their feet.

  54. OH that’s hilarious!! And I thought the cat toilet training thing was a good idea to keep people out of my bathroom

  55. Victor is so lucky to have such a funny and irreverent wife 🙂

    I look forward to every anniversary you have, even though I didn’t realize the date of your anniversary until this post…

    p.s. best bathroom decor EVER.

  56. “It’s like if the Mona Lisa smelled of cinnamon rolls and also cured polio” OMG fml you just keep getting better and better. Totally made my shitty day awesome 🙂

  57. Honestly? Even better than Beyonce, and that was pretty epic. Congratulations and may you have many, many more Anniversaries filled with the very best kind of wackiness. Hearts and Flowers and all that Good Stuff to you!

  58. Your post reminded me of the mid 70’s when I went to work for an undisclosed Federal Agency in Brownsville. I was one of four women in this agency and we had to share a bathroom with the men on our shift. (No such thing as separate bathrooms in those days). Anyway, the bathroom was covered with the centerfolds from Playboy, Esquire, etc. My friend Peggy and I pinned up the Burt Reynolds centerfold from Ms Magazine on the back of the door, and waited for the reaction. Nothing. After 2 days, we realized, the men were not facing the door when they peed. So we moved it to the wall in back of the toilet. Two days later all the centerfolds were removed

  59. The “glows in the dark” part was my favorite plot twist in a blog post I’ve read in a while. Whoa! How could he not like it?

  60. You guys have such a great marriage. Happy anniversary, and here’s to 19 more (chugs wine)!

  61. I decided that one night of sex is a decent enough anniversary present for my husband. Maybe this year, I, too, will try to incorporate a glow-in-the-dark component. Mr. Man would definitely be surprised about that!

  62. The painting and the bear totally tie in to Anchorman plot points! “I’m riding a furry tractor!” Brick on women:”I read somewhere their periods attract bears. The bears can smell the menstruation.”

  63. I read “the guest bathroom altogether” as “guest bathroom alligator” and thought “no, brain, it’s a bear.” But maybe you do need an alligator?

    Anyway. Happy anniversary!

  64. I just have to say thank you for sharing your mind with us. You are truly a unique voice. I absolutely love it. And Happy Anniversary!

  65. Happy Anniversary, you two crazy kids. You guys are proof that marriage takes hard work and a great sense of humor. My idea for your 20th: the traditional gift is China… how ’bout a panda of your very own?

  66. You know that fluorescent dye your eye doc puts in your eyes during exams? If you put a little of that stuff in your party-punch, it will render your guests’ urine fluorescent. All that remains is to stick a black light in your guest bathroom. (I learned of this from my eye doc, who went to some crazy frat parties back in the day.)

    I pass this tip along because I love you. You deserve maximum WOW in your guest bathroom, which is fast approaching perfection. Guests will not be peeing in the bushes. They will be lining up for the stellar experience. Halley will be selling tickets (if she’s as smart as we all know she is). You get 10% (it’s only fair). Up to you if you want to cut Victor in. Me? I’d want to see an attitude improvement. Just saying.

    I don’t know how you’ll score some of that dye. Maybe invite your eye doctor to your next party…

  67. Wouldn’t it be even better if the four angry anchormen were at junk level, instead of the other way around? Oops, no, hygiene. Forget I mentioned it.

  68. Didn’t you (aside from Beyoncé) have/celebrate an anniversary at a theater in Texas where Victor bought 100 bucks worth of popcorn, or something, that you drowned peeps with one year? I seem to recall something about $ being spent on popcorn that was for a hotel room ,and eating used popcorn??? Maybe it wasn’t for your anniversary…but I’m 100% sure I have the correct Jenny/Victor who had that popcorn throwing date.

    (We totally did that. ~ Jenny)

  69. Effing love that!!! You rock. Oh, but you already knew how awesome you were so this is merely rhetoric. Well played, well played. The wife got me a Zero Fox Given shirt for Father’s day so this is kind of the same thing. 😉

  70. The PS makes the whole post…sprayed OJ all over my screen when I read that.

  71. My husband is officially jealous of your husband. I am gift buying challenged when it comes to finding things for him (ie birthdays, Fathers Day, anniversary and even Christmas). I think one year I bought him some towels, I thought they were nice.

  72. I bought a book at Goodwill once. I only read a couple of chapters – it was awful. I was going to get rid of it, but then I turned the lights out and it GLOWS IN THE DARK. Now I have to keep the wretched thing forever. (it’s just the cover that glows, not the whole book)
    meow meow meow

  73. sheesh, I forgot the whole point – which is – Sometimes it’s NOT what’s inside that counts.
    meow meow meow

  74. Happy Anniversary! You have the best guest bathroom in the world and Victor is lucky to have you. And you, him.

  75. That it glows in the dark is so perfect.

    Happy Anniversary to you and Victor.

    I told my grandmother after 70 years that it was time for a change…. She laughed. My grandfather referred to her as his bride their whole lives together. May you and Victor live as long and as well. Or even longer if you are so inclined. xoxo

  76. Your anniversary is on my birthday! Huzzah! My mom had a 3D holographic picture of Captain Jean-Luc Picard in her bathroom, for years. I’ll just let that sink in a moment. Happy anniversary!

  77. I cannot WAIT to meet you when you come to Nashville on your book tour. When I’m having a rotten day and read your blog, I remember what we’re here for. I think we should all celebrate a “the first time I read a blog by Jenny” anniversary!

  78. Victor: Just look straight ahead and you’ll be fine…really. smirk For several years, I had a reproduction of a hilarious old Scott Paper Towels ad from the ’30s with a pissy looking guy wiping his hands and the caption “Is Your Washroom Breeding Bolsheviks?” hanging behind my toilet until I put a shelving unit behind it to hold bathroom junk; the poster now lives on the outside of the door (because too many male roommates and guests complained about the guy checking out their junk), and when you’re sitting on the can there’s a metal reproduction sign advertising Vinolia Soap as the kind used to stock the first class suites on the Titanic facing you. Oh, and for years I had the Gashleycrumb Tinies up, and would periodically hear people reading it out loud…”A is for Amy who fell down the stairs, B is for Basil assaulted by bears…” Add to this one of my oldest and dearest friends having a life-size poster of Clark Gable as Rhett Butler posted in such as way as to make it appear he was leering at whoever was in the bathtub, and, well…if I’m ever in your part of Texas, can I come pee at your place? I promise not to dribble on the toilet seat…

  79. I would contend that the Anchorman’s junk is not “in” your face while you pee, but actually over your shoulder. Watching your back. Saying, “It’s all good, friend. Go ahead and pee without fear. We got this shit. We are protecting you.” I feel better already.

  80. Congratulations on 19 years of marriage. That is marvelous and beautiful.
    I would like to come over solely for the purpose of using your guest bathroom. I won’t, because we don’t know each other and I understand boundaries, but I’ll still want to.

  81. Just sayin’. Happy anniversary! Can’t wait to see your gift for the 20th. And now a note for Victor:

    Dear Victor, Your eyes should be where you’re aiming, not on Champ’s junk. Unless, of course, you’re aiming at Champ’s junk, then rock on.

  82. Hey Jenny, Hit it Rich Casino game on Facebook is using your picture (leaves instead of curlers) in one of the games (Mystic Maidens).

  83. You need to figure out how to hang it over the toilet so it is staring directly at all man peeing. something like, I dare you, I dare you to make a mess.

  84. If my husband bought me that painting for our anniversary, I’d marry him again. It out-does the huge, gold-leafed “P” we have over our toilet by a long shot. You may have the coolest bathroom in the history of the universe.

  85. You really set the anniversary bar high! You are excellent at gift giving. Victor is a lucky man!

  86. Lovin’ the painting! The fact that it glows just makes it even better. Hope you had a great anniversary!

  87. Hope you had a Happy Anniversary and those 4 angry men and the bear didn’t scare the pee out of you and onto the seat!

  88. I want this so freakin’ bad. And I would totally put it in my guest bathroom. Now I must search for this painting (and the glow in the dark part is essential. ESSENTIAL I TELL YOU!)

  89. You are losing it. Everyone knows that Sloths and Tiny Kangaroos are the 16th. But what are 17th and 18th?!

    I adore you. And Victor. And Hailey. Lawson is awesome.

  90. who is the artist of this pop culture phenom painting…come on Jenny be the Oprah of the strange and unusual and tell us who did this

  91. When your house in non-violent and boring, I do believe a glow-in-the-dark explosive painting is probably a good option. But only you would think of that:). I’m just following, a step behind . . .

  92. You know how some people are all “I want love like [insert Disney movie here]”? Or when they see an old couple walking hand-in-hand down the street and say the same thing, but without the Disney movie part? I totally don’t want that. I want a marriage like yours. You and Victor should hold couples’ retreats and stuff.

  93. You need to make this a business. Like, you should offer your services of amazing anniversary gifts. The world would be a better place, I’m sure.

  94. If we ever meet face to face, it’s going to have to be somewhere that is not your house. That, or I’ll have to hold it until I leave. Faces in the bathroom. Sheesh!

  95. This right here is just one more reason why I love you! This bathroom is kick ass. You give the best anniversary presents! Loved the 17 year animal gifts. Why can’t we keep the kangaroo and just train it to bring us drinks in spash proof cups? ha ha ha. Happy anniversary!

  96. Am I the only one who thinks it looks like they’re laughing at the peeer’s (pee-er’s?) junk? Talk about intimidating…….. 😀

  97. I live for the day when Victor retaliates with a wedding anniversary present of his own that is spectacular/enraging/unexpected.

    That payback might suck for you, but boy oh boy will it ever make for a great blog post!

  98. This is post is 6 days old. Why is there no photo of it glowing in the dark? Why? I searched the comments and no one even asked. IT’S LIKE YOU PEOPLE DON’T EVEN CARE!

    Pretty please, with you-make-my-dark-hole* better on top?

    *That’s depression, not something lewd.

  99. I cannot tell you how much my teenage son would covet that painting! when he grows up, he’d be a happy man to marry someone like you. best wishes!

  100. I grinned so much while reading this out loud to my husband that my face hurts now. It’s so awesome; that’s the most I’ve smiled in about a fortnight. ^_^

  101. I deal with a lot of others problems. And I think I am tapped out. Schizophrenic husband with hepatitis c. 400 lbs son with bipolar. Niece with no motivation who loves the animals. And a bad childhood. Thinking in an alcoholic phase. I’m just lost. And old. And the optimism I had is fading. Can you help? Get to me via work email. I’m it and I only read emails at work. But I resonate to you. VtomlIn@ppg.com

    (I’m not really qualified to help with this sort of stuff but I can tell you that you are not alone and that it’s okay to ask for help yourself. You can’t solve everyone else’s problems. There are some support groups that can be of great help to you. Sending love. ~ Jenny)

  102. Oh that’s why I feel good here! “Not qualified”? Well then who the he’ll is? I will seek out someone who might help. Not sure of this you understand but trying… aren’t we all just trying?

  103. You have a beautiful soul miss jenny. Believe it! You care and not many can say that.

  104. OMG! I may have just snort-laughed repeatedly reading this. Our 15th anniversary is coming up in September and I would love some suggestions on epic gifts for my husband!

  105. I only wish I had been able to stay married long enough to someone that they would appreciate the likes of your bathroom…thanks for the amusement…

  106. I envy your glow-in-the-dark screamingly angry men art! In my own world, my guest bathroom is full of those lenticular old Victorian photos that morph into monsters, weird vintage monster art by a friend of mine, and vintage dental weirdness I collect. My sister says she can’t use my guest bathroom anymore; it’s too distracting to pee. I argue it fits with the original “Victorian” theme, albeit more “pain and horrible medical procedures” sort of Victorian…

  107. “PS. I just turned off the light in the bathroom and turns out that this painting FUCKING GLOWS IN THE DARK.” black velvety felt vs high lighters vs blacklight vs bathroom = best pee everrr if i only had a candle or 7

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