Well, she’s definitely mine.

My ten-year-old yelling at me from the kitchen:

Hailey:  HEY MOM?  I BROKE A BANANA.

me:  Wha...how can you break a banana?

Hailey:  Um.  I NEED A SHARPIE.

me:  WHY?

Hailey:  NEVER MIND.  I FIXED IT.

me:  WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE?

Hailey:  This.

bananaman

Hailey (in a deep voice):  “HEY GUUURL!  I’M MISTER BANANA.  YOU CAN’T EAT ME BECAUSE NOW I HAVE EYES.  I SEE YOU.”

me: Wow.

Hailey:  I’m still gonna eat you, Mister BananaMan.  You’ll go bad if I don’t eat you.  You’ll be a badnana.

Hailey:  “YOU WOULDN’T EAT ME, HAILEY.  I’M YOUR FRIEND.  FEED ME M&M’S.”

me:  You can’t have any M&M’s.

Hailey:  It’s not for me, mom.  It’s Mister Banana.  He’s so demanding.

Hailey:  “YUM YUM YUM!  M&M’S!  PUT THEM IN MY MOUTH HOLE.”

Hailey:  Okay Mister Banana.  Calm down already.  I’ll get the M&M’s.

me:  Was this all just an elaborate ruse to get M&M’s?

Hailey: “I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT, HAILEY’S MOM.  THESE M&M’S ARE DELICIOUS.”

me:  You’re a weird kid, Hailey.  But in the best way.

Hailey:  “WE LOVE YOU TOO, MRS. HAILEY’S MOM.”

Updated:  The kitchen counter, 10 minutes later.

bananadown

Oh, sweet baby Jesus.  Call homicide.  BANANA DOWN.

151 thoughts on “Well, she’s definitely mine.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I needed this in ways you can’t even imagine. Thanks to both you and Hailey. RIP, Mr. Banana Man. I’m sure you were delicious.

  2. Yep, she’s yours! Poor Mr. Bananaman. Gone before his time. Or wait, maybe it was his time. Either way, I’m glad he got M&Ms before his demise.

  3. I’m always amazed at what my 11 year old comes away with. I always wonder where he gets some of his ideas/thoughts. 🙂

  4. I’m impressed that she put BananaMan’s corpse on a strip of toilet paper because hygiene and easy clean-up but the cap off the marker is driving me nuts.

    We used to do something similar with apples, only we’d bite faces into the apples instead of drawing them on. I want to say we learned it from Lamb Chop and Sherry Lewis, but I’m not positive on that.

  5. I am so glad the universe is giving us another you. I will never at a mouse, an alligator, a boar, a squirrel, a raccoon ever the same way again- and now a Banana. Thank you for that.

  6. I needed that more than I care to think about. Also, my Rory came from the publisher today. I think I may have gotten Bad Luck Rory as he is already involved in a hostage situation.

  7. When Hailey is ready to date, my son would like to put his name in for consideration. He thinks she is hysterical. Is it too soon to ask her to prom? (His prom isn’t for 5 years.)

  8. Apparently the banana doesn’t fall far from the tree.

    Well played, Hailey. Well played indeed.

  9. Holy crap, you’re raising one of my favorite human beings! Keep doing whatever it is that you’re doing, because Hailey gives me hope for the future.

  10. Love this! Exactly what I needed today.

    And I think it’s awesome she’s getting invited to Prom already by your readers/commenters!

    Thank you both for making my day better (it desperately needed the help!)

  11. I am so in love with this whole escapade.
    MY kid would totally do this. (Which is why I wish so badly that they were playmates. sigh)

  12. Thank you, Mrs. Hailey’s Mom’s Daughter, for “resurrecting” the broken banana into M&M-eating Mr. Badnana! What a beautiful thing! And what tidy carnage you left behind, as well!

    Really, thank you for the snort-giggles. I’m having a good day off.

  13. She is good very good indeed.=, great imagination. I also want to know from Cassie comment #44, What happened to Rory? Did you pay the ransom? He wasn’t hurt was he? I hope you received proof of life before you paid up. Who would do such a thing? That is not acceptable, not acceptable at all!

  14. When I was a little kid, we lived on some acreage and raised our own beef (and many other foods). The first night that we sat down to a dinner that included some of our home raised beef, my father in all of his diplomatic glory announced: “Well, this is Bessie.” My sister, who would later become a vegetarian for years, and who had helped with the raising of our cows, became somewhat pale and excused herself from the table. I looked down at my plate and said “Poor Bessie” and began chowing down on her. She was delicious. I don’t know why your post reminded me of that, but it did.

  15. Madness does not run in your family, It walks around slowly and makes sure it gets to know everyone.

    I love it, Hailey is such a crazy cool kid. You’ve definitely done right with her.

  16. You have paper towels left in your house? How is that even possible?! My living room is a sea of unrolled paper goods – toilet paper, paper towels….Heaven forbid you need a tissue.

  17. There’s no doubt at all whose kid she is, wowzers. (Thanks to both of you for the laugh!)

  18. RE: Galixie | September 1, 2015 at 3:47 pm
    It’s a double homicide. Leaving the cap off the sharpie probably killed that too.

    YES! Thank you!
    I am glad I am not the only person here who is alarmed by the topless marker.

  19. Hailey is so great. Mom I wonder where she gets her humor from. Lol
    I thought the whole banana thing was brillant. Thanks for sharing

  20. Gotta watch those sassy fruits and veggies. I came down stairs in the middle of the night once, only to discover potato people rappelling off the shelf in my kitchen. Oddly enough, these things mostly seem to happen in households with kids of a certain age.

    http://www.andbythatimean.com/#!Invasion of the Potato People/zoom/c4y5/image17vb

  21. Can you guys move to California so I can have Mrs. Hailey’s Mom’s Daughter as one of my students in a few years? She has a most a-peel-ing sense of humor! You and Victor get an A++ for parenting!

  22. I used to get bananas from the college cafeteria and draw faces on them, then leave them on my roommate’s desk. She was my best friend. And allergic to bananas.

  23. Badnana is my favorite new word, but the pig in the background is awesome. It’s like a ghost pig with all the pork removed.

  24. Reminds me of the sick pranks my father and I would play on my mom. Fake poop under porcelin dolls in her display cabinet. Repositioning same dolls into rather suggestive scenes. My favourite? Perverted sugar/shortbread cookies at Christmas (our cookies were not fit for bake sales or cookie exchanges)

  25. oh please say that this will be in the third book. And the title will be “BANANA DOWN.” bless you both.

  26. Must be the age, when my son was 11, he created an entire diorama out of a marshmellow peep box and all the peeps. There was a big banner proclaiming Peep Rights. The peeps carried little signs protesting peep eating. I kept that thing on the shelf in the kitchen cupboard for years because it made me laugh so hard each time I saw it. Cherish her, she’s a treasure!

  27. I love this so much. She’s definitely your daughter. Quick observation: The big picture on the left has a nice long thumbnail, and the picture in the top right is bitten right down. Or broken? SOLVE THE MYSTERY SCOOBS!

  28. You need to put a warning before you post something like this. Now I have to clean half chewed peanuts off my work computer screen (peanuts are fine for breakfast, stop judging me) Also, it’s a good thing my co-workers haven’t arrived yet, otherwise there might have been some sort of incident report that needed to be filled out. Basically, I’m looking for something like “Warning: Reading this while eating may result in partially masticated food being violently expelled from your mouth/choking hazard. Also, reading in public or otherwise occupied environs may result in strange looks/unnecessary paperwork about disturbing the workplace” Thanks for making the world a better place.

  29. comment 99 from bonnie c made me laugh out loud. not that stupid lol stuffs, but literally laughing. good job, bonnie! #thumbsup
    in other news, this is what happens when you peel a banana wrong. do it like the monkeys do and no broken bananas ever. wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

  30. This freaking made my night…in a world of violence and bigotry, there is The adventures of Hailey and Mr. BananaMan…and the comments that go with it!

  31. There’s currently a banana in our fruit bowl that has taped-on googly eyes and a Sharpie mouth. He has been named Banana Joe. No one is allowed to eat Banana Joe. It was deemed hilarious when he inevitably got a ton of brown freckles. He’s starting to look a little worse for wear, but I am not permitted to turn him into banana bread.

  32. To hell with calling homicide! Call the taxidermist! Hailey’s awesomeness must be memorialized! Kudos on raising an awesome kid!

  33. Give us a song, you’re the banana man! Give us a song tonite! Cuz we’re all in a mood for some m&m’s… And you’ve got us feeling…
    Am I the only one who thought this? Huh.

  34. “You’re a weird kid, Hailey. But in the best way.” I’ve said this, word for word (well, except for the name) to my own kid. Weird kids are the best.

  35. I actually Laughed. Out. Loud! Most excellent. (And this is the best tribe EVAH! So many comments here are Golden, like Granny K at #135. I love you, Strangelings!)

    Jenny, I can’t wait to see you in Dallas later this month. I missed your last tour because I was off the internet for quite a while & didn’t know about it [how weird is that?!?], but NOT THIS TIME! Wild taxidermal creatures can’t keep me away!

  36. A girl after my own heart. I hope she actually stuffed the M&M’s into Mr. Banana’s mouth and down his gullet, them ate him with his “partially digested” candy inside – it would have been delicIous! (You didn’t specify…)

  37. Outside a bar off East Riverside St. in Austin with my 14-year-old daughter (she had just done a stand-up comedy set in the bar) (me, too), we saw a woman walking down the middle of the street talking rather loudly to herself. We both watched as she wandered and talked and ultimately veered off into the DQ parking lot. My daughter said as the woman disappeared into DQ, “It’s really kind of cool that we can tell when someone else is probably family.”

  38. between your daughter and mr. banana man my week is complete. He used to be on Sealtest Big Top, and I loved him…thank you for both…

  39. I don’t care if eight billion people commented before me, you always make me laugh and if you knew my life right now, you’d know what a damned miracle that is. Thank you Jenny Lawson and your daughter, and Banana man, may he rest in peace…no pieces…nevermind.

  40. I was scrolling down this post on my phone when my 4 year old looked over “Ahh! Why does that banana have eyes! Look it’s a banana faces!”

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