“Latawnya The Naughty Horse Two”

in Random Crap

The other day at a used-book shop I picked up what might be my new favorite book.  Written in the days of Nancy Reagan’s “JUST SAY NO” campaigns is this amazing read:

This is a real book for children. It is not a parody. And that's what makes it so amazing.
This is a real book for children. It is not a parody. And that’s what makes it so amazing.

I’m not going to spoil it for you but I will tell you that Latawnya doesn’t immediately say no to drugs.  First she gets totally shitfaced with the other naughty horses.  Because that’s what naughty horses do, y’all.

These horses can’t seem to keep from dropping their smokes and they also can’t hold their liquor.  I’m embarrassed for these horses.

Brace yourself.  It gets worse before it gets better*

First off, if his cigarette is still smoking he's probably still alive. Horses can smoke but none of them can dial 911 or start CPR? Secondly, how does a horse open a childproof container of pills? I call shenanigans. This horse was murdered. Probably by Latawnya's father. Who is part of the mafia. And leaves horse heads in the beds of people who don't give horses sugar cubes. (This is actually a better story than the one in the book. Just my opinion.)
First off, if his cigarette is still smoking he’s probably still alive, Father Horse. Apparently horses can smoke and drink and talk but none of them can dial 911 or start CPR because they’re too busy judging each other.  Secondly, how does a horse open a childproof container of pills? I call shenanigans. This horse was murdered. Probably by Latawnya’s father. Who is part of the mafia. And who leaves horse heads in the beds of people who don’t give out sugar cubes. (This is just my guess but it’s actually a more realistic story than the one in the book.)

*It never actually gets better.

Sadly, LATAWNYA, the Naughty Horse, Learns to Say “No” to Drugs is now out-of-print, but I just discovered that you can buy the sequel!

latawnya two “Latawnya The Naughty Horse Two points out the low life drug pusher. Latawnya and two of her friends will see the back of a low life who is trying to hook everyone on drugs. He tries to entice them to use cocaine and meth, but they laugh at him. They let him know he can take his drugs and go. They also let him knows they have better activities to do than using drugs. Latawnya and her friends are on the basketball team. There will be a big talent show. Everyone will audition. Someone will create a beautiful original song and dance.”

Happy early Christmas to me, y’all.

UPDATED: My sister just sent me this. Just say no to horses.

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154 thoughts on ““Latawnya The Naughty Horse Two””

Read comments below or add one.

  2. Damn, totally stole my idea. Now I have to start all over. Maybe I’ll go with a sex-education series featuring a teenage platypus as the main character. Sounds reasonable, right?

  6. These awful books were featured on the Awful Library Books site, which has some other doozies. You should check it out. awfullibrarybooks.net/ The ones on Satanism are especially creepy.

  9. I like that Sylvia got her husband and son (I’m assuming) in on the DARE gravy train for the second book.

    (I now feel guilty because it’s entirely possible that Sylvia lost someone close to drugs and she and her family are utterly, 100% sincere in their desire to save people from that grief while also being really, really bad at doing so.)

  11. At least now we know how forest fires start. Damn klutzy horses. (And I’m sure Latawnya’s name wasn’t meant to be racist at. all.)

  12. Even more disturbing than learning that horses also have a problem saying NO to drugs, when I clicked on the link for Latawnya the Naughty Horse, part 2, Amazon told me that other people who viewed that book also viewed this book: Images You Should Not Masturbate To.

    You can “look inside this book” and see a photo of two pickles and another photo of pink rubber gloves. Interesting. On THAT page you also get a slew of other titillating titles to peruse, like Dancing With Jesus, A Practical Guide to Racism, and Unicorns are Jerks.

    Learning never stops. Thanks, Jenny!

  13. I should have bought this book for my son…maybe then I wouldn’t have had to get his dumb ass out of the back of a police car.

    I love teenagers.

  19. Ok. I am just dumbfounded. People actually publish books like this? And I have one not yet accepted by an agent? Sheesh. Red wine with dinner. I mean for dinner:).

  21. Who has to light the horse’s cigarettes (or whatever it is they’re smoking)? Perhaps Neko Case?

  22. This looks like it should be a coloring book…I’m going to pretend that it is.

  25. I’m going to get these and send them to my daughter as part of one of freshman care packages when she goes to college in a couple of weeks.

  26. I’m just baffled. So many questions come to mind like why did it take her 20 years to write the sequel?

  27. Personally I learned to saw no to drugs thanks to Burt Wolf, who used to be in ads for the Winn-Dixie grocery store chain. One time there was an ad in the comics section of the Sunday newspaper, so it was a cartoon Burt Wolf who said these words: “Kids! Just say no to drugs… and yes to Winn-Dixie’s everyday low prices!”. I wish I was making that up.

  29. Oddly enough, the issue of drug use is a big topic of controversy in the horse-racing world. Trainers are accused of giving horses steroids, pain killers, etc., much as professional (human) athletes are, and for some of the same reasons: improve performance, heal more quickly from injury, reduce pain so they can run harder and tolerate higher levels of physical stress, etc.

    As with human drugs, it’s thought that these drugs might do long-term damage to the horses.

    Next time you see a horse in the winner’s circle, consider the fact that a few minutes later he might be wandering around behind the stable, looking for his next fix, or hanging out at the barn with Latawnya and other horses, sucking on a 40 oz bottle of Colt 45.

  31. Best find ever. What a good day for you! I don’t know what the kids of today are doing without these books. Also without “This is your brain. This is your brain on drugs.” PSAs.

  32. So is Latawna supposed to be an ethnic name? Are there ethnic horses? Are the non-drug horses called Biff and Sally? (and by “non-drug” I mean they have a supplier and connections down at the stable so they never really get caught, they just use them recreationally)

  34. It looks like the kind of book that can only be written when the author is ON drugs. Say no to drugs….except LSD because you can come up with fantastic ideas like hyped up horses who smoke like the Marlboro man.

  35. Ms Librarian here. I am ashamed to say we do not own this in our system. I did check other libraries in our state, and found exactly one copy. It looks like it was not a popular item. Worldwide there were about 10 copies in libraries (that I could search.) You can buy used copies through Amazon for ridiculously high prices. I am so disappointed. I thought my 4 and 1/2 year old grandson would find this especially useful. (NOT!)

  36. And this is why I can’t read your blog at work…thought I could be sneaky and take a quick peek and then Latawnya happened. Now I’m cleaning up the ginger ale that I choked on and is all over my desk. Love you Jenny and can’t wait for you to come to Boston next month!

  37. “Whoa, you looked pommeled… what are these horse track marks? Have you been mane-lining again? Who saddled you with these drugs? You need to rein it in, Latawnya. How’d you even pony up the cash for this? You better not stirrup any more trouble. You’re the mare’s daughter!”

    </end bit>

  39. My mum asked me the other day what I wanted for my birthday.
    Now I know what to ask her for. What better 43rd birthday present could there be?!!

  40. Coming soon: “Latawnya Does Rehab, A Night Mare Relapse”. Thank goodness Oregon has legalized pot. I can’t imagine reading these books without it.

  41. So Latawnya and her friends are on the basketball team now? Awesome. I’ll bet by “Latawnya The Naughty Horse Three,” they’re all hooked on human growth hormone.

  42. So horses can light cigarettes, open liquor bottles and manage the child proof caps on prescription drugs? Who knew!

  45. Am I the only one distracted by the horse legs on the sequel’s cover? Or is this a horrible spoiler that there may be a leg-related tragedy?

  46. It’s also a racist book. First, as Brian mentioned above, the name Latawnya is favored by people of African descent. Secondly, she is on the basketball team, and as we all know, white horses can’t jump.

  47. My mom bought me A Cat Tale in Spiceville for Christmas to show me that no matter how bad I think something I write is, this will always be worse. It has a lot of herbs and cat crime, and a cat superhero, all set to rhyming text with various herbs and spices highlighted. My Mom is awesome, in case anyone wonders.

  48. I once had a horse who would steal beers, but as far as I know he didn’t smoke anything. Still, he probably wound up in rehab… his name WAS Brandy, after all, it’s like he was destined for the drunk tank. And I’m a little concerned about the sequel’s cover. There are either too many legs, or too many heads, and the lengths are all wrong so that one or all of those horses are going to fall over even if they DONT drink. It’s reeks of genetic experiments… all very Island of Dr Moreau if you ask me.

  49. LATAWNYA? that is an unusual name, maybe it was suppose to be La Tawnya…I’ve seen that name before on facebook. someone call the author I suspect some sort of back story.

  51. Now I have to rethink my story “Hedgie the Hedgehog finally shuts down his meth lab”.

  52. How did they open the beer? How did they light the cigarettes? I call shenanigans. And anyway, I knew a raccoon who took meth for YEARS, and he was pretty ok.

  53. is it really racist if the book was written by a lady of color? Which it was. Still, the whole idea of a horse on drugs is messed up. I’m going to go check out space violence.

  55. By book 3, Latawnya is turning tricks to support her habit no doubt.

    What a great find, Jenny! I should really start looking around in used bookstores more. Never know what you’re going to find.

  56. I admit…I wasn’t sure what to make of the name LaTawnya. Since this was the Regan years (when AIDS was a “gay disease”), I’m not sure I want to know. O.O

  59. The fuck?
    BTW soooooo happy you took the suggestion by me and many others and read The Martian. You probably boosted sales of Andy Weir’s book by a zillion percent and he seems like a genuinely nice guy who deserves the added publicity even though he sold the movie rights and the Matt Damon is going to play the role of Mark Watney. Maybe Andy can get Mr. Damon to play Victor when you sell the movie rights to Furiously Happy? Just sayin’.

  61. Sylvia named all of the horses after her own children. There was a certain amount of explosion when the books showed up on the bad library book site listed above, this is the reason they’re going for an insane amount on Amazon, and Sylvia showed up in the comments to berate people. So. Be warned?

  62. My father is a Clinical Psychologist who primarily works with adolescents and families struggling with addiction. Check him off the Christmas present list.

  63. after all the WTH? seriously? thoughts, the thought of what happened to the Gibsons to cause them to write such a thing!?

    and although horses are amazing creatures, they are VERY judgey….

  65. Oh wow! . . .am I the only one that wants this to be turned into a cartoon? Mostly because I want to see how a horse uses a lighter, rolls a joint, holds a bong, opens a can. . . I have so many questions! They need to write another book explaining the motor functions of horses!

  66. Hello, I’m Latawnya.

    A horse is a horse, of course of course,
    And no one can hook up a horse of course,
    That is of course unless the horse
    Is the Naughty Latawnya.

    Go right to the source. Give meth to the horse.
    She’ll take it and get high of course of course.
    She’s now got a habit and walks with the whores.
    It’s Naughty Latawnya.

    She’ll drink a Mickey’s Big Mouth and streak
    And have a roll in the hay,
    But Naughty Latawnya will never speak,
    Keeping dealers, pimps, pushers at bay.

    A horse is a horse , of course of course,
    She’ll smoke, drink and party ‘til her parents divorce.
    You never heard of a high slutty horse?
    She’s Naughty Latawnya!

  68. Unrelated to the post but the only way I know to reach you: Have you seen the #CuteOff?? What a wonderful place to go when you need some cute!

  69. we should to kickstart the hell out of that platypus book idea.
    the president of the double unicorn success club should write a strongly worded letter to the author of ‘unicorns are jerks’ (or the publisher. or both.).
    does the double unicorn success club even have a president? how about a chief justice?

  73. I’m laughing out loud to the post and then the comments here are just too much. Thank you, Jenny & all you wonderful unicorn and church members for my first out-loud laugh in days!

  75. Thank you for your support! Yes, as a Little Pony I fell into some hard things. My life is sooo much different now…. I am looking forward to my new life as a unicorn. Please go to my GoFundMe page if you would like to support this transformation that has emboldened my outlook on life. Namaste’

  76. OMG, how did you miss the other books she’s written on Amazon? Gold like Ricky the Skating Worm and, dear God, Wee Wee the Big Purple Duck? I can’t believe you missed a joke on that last one. I demand a sequel blog post.

  78. NICE. This reminds me of the website full of book titles that are unbelievable, yet real (like “Pooh Gets Stuck” and “The Zen of Farting”). These druggie horses crack me up (pun intended?).

  80. Today, I saw video of Ray Stevenson reading “Green Eggs and Ham” in a terrifyingly dramatically forceful way (it was both disturbing and sexy).

    And now, Latawnya. The universe is just full of win.

  81. This post and all of the comments have made my whole day. Marydpiece, you made me google the book “Images You Should Not Masturbate To”, forgetting I was at work. It’s probably ok though, I have a habit of googling anything I think sounds interesting or hilarious, so they can probably just add it to my history of searches such as “turtle mating sounds” and “duck penis length” (don’t ask).

  82. Now I’m not sure what I find more amusing – the idea of the original book, the idea of horses on drugs, the fact that the author tried to sue amazon for selling her book and wikipedia for “incorrectly describing” her book, or the awkward wording on her website.

    Here’s an actual quote from her website:
    “Latawnya The Naughty Horse Two anti-bully children picture book.
    These are the Tap Dancing Horses located in this book Latawnya two.
    They feel tremendously in their new Tap Dancing Shoes.
    They enjoyed, Shook and Tap Danced until they were truly tired.”

    Her syntax makes my brain cry.

  83. We should really mock Nancy’s anti-drug horse, because all the other strategies we’ve tried for keeping kids off cigs and booze and drugs and horses have totally worked.

  84. Where was LaTawnya when my friends were offering me weed at our secret treehouse in the middle of the rural woods? Geesh.

  85. I love how LaTawnya’s father spells “accidently.” But then again, he’s a horse. So I guess spelling wouldn’t be his strong point?

  86. Was that one horse just left laying out in the field dead? Well, actually that part makes sense because horses don’t bury their dead.

  88. Oh sure, the naughty horse has a name. But the author couldn’t come up with a name for Father and Mother horse? Lazy writing, if you ask me.

  90. One of the reviews for the original book… “A solid read right out of the gait! While most reviewers may feel as if they were mercilessly pommeled by the message of this book (adapted from the Canter-bury Tales), I found the story a great starting point for discussion. Sure to stirrup controversy, ‘Latawnya’ has her blinders removed by the harsher truths of life. Neighsayers, doubtlessly, feel it may be too ‘adult’ for youngsters, however, parents saddled with the responsibility of educating their kids may disagree. The unbridled truths revealed herein can only serve to corral the impetuous spirits of today’s youth by presenting the dangers of today’s world as they are. Stable homes are built on open relationships created thusly. Ms. Gibson doesn’t trot around the moral to be learned, and, as such the reader is not reined in by obfuscations. I can only hope that others help to make this spread like Wildfire, the more the farrier. It behooves you to buy this book!”

    Yeah.

  91. I can just imagine Jenny reading the dialogue in comment number 15 with her cute Texas twang. In the next audio book, please?

  92. Latawnya, so you now “identify” as a unicorn? You are truly a 21st-century horse. BTW, maybe because you were doing drugs, smoking, and drinking as a youth, you just thought you were a pony, because you weren’t. You were a foal, then a yearling, and finally a mare … but never a pony.

  93. When a human mafia boss leaves horse heads, then a horse mafia boss should leave…human heads!

  94. I learned it from you dad! I learned it from you! Neeeeeeeeeh! What an incredible find. Can’t wait to show this book to my children someday. 😉

  97. Also, then I looked through what customers bought if they bought that and now I’m even more confused. So I read the reviews and encourage everyone to read them too.

  98. Why when I click the link does it also suggest the book “Images You Should Not Masterbate To”???? Ewoooo….and yet I’m curious!

  100. Latawnya brings back memories of one of my high school English teachers. A girl in the class wrote an essay about someone she’d known who’d had a bad experience with drugs and why it convinced her never to take drugs. The teacher gave her an ‘F’ on it. Why? She wrote, “I don’t want to read about anyone taking drugs” under the grade. She didn’t understand that sometimes people learn from experience. Fortunately she was teaching English and not science.

  101. During my insomnia last night I decided to look up the author and Wikipedia has this to say about the book:

    “Due to its absurd writing, illustrations and comments from the author, this book sells rapidly almost anytime a copy becomes available on Amazon.com.”

    I’m not kidding. Here’s the link:

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Latawnya,the_Naughty_Horse,_Learns_to_Say%22No%22_to_Drugs

    So, good find, Jenny!

  103. Do horses that are in the Mafia really leave horse heads in the beds of their enemies?
    Isn’t that a bit macabre?

    PS. I can’t help but wonder if this book makes more sense to people that are on drugs?

  104. “White Girls Be Like” for the win! Holy crap I laughed too hard at that. This post is beyond funny. “I call shenanagans”. I thought me and my hubby were the only one to use that term. BTW all… your comments are killing it today. Well done!

  105. The genre for that book is listed as “children’s literature”…..are you sure?
    I think whoever was the ‘genre lister’ at the publishing house may…and I’m just saying
    ‘may’ have been smoking something funny….that’s all I’m saying. 😉

  107. I want to go shopping with you in the worst way! You find ALL the cool stuff!!! I’d probably have to stock up on Depends, though (NOT that I wear them now..yet..). There’s NO WAY I’d be able to hold my bladder. And an oxygen tank, too, for when I’m laughing too hard to breathe. If you ever need a break from writing hilarious books, you could do shopping tours! BYOADoC (Bring Your Own Adult Diaper of Choice)(No insult intended to those who are already there..my day is coming, I’m sure!)

  108. “My God! That’s enough pills to choke a–actually, that makes perfect sense. Exactly the right number of pills.”

  109. Horses can’t even breathe through their mouths! So unless Latawnya is holding the cigarette in her nostril, she can’t smoke. I am really beginning to doubt the authenticity of this story.

  110. Horses can smoke, drink and take drugs but they can’t clean their own shit out of their stall? I call SHENANIGANS!

  112. This quote suddenly takes on a whole new meaning: Many people have sighed for the ‘good old days’ and regretted the ‘passing of the horse,’ but today, when only those who like horses own them, it is a far better time for horses. ~C.W. Anderson

  114. OK, I came back to this post so I could read the update and I couldn’t’ even read the comments on the photo because all I could think was, “HOW DID A HORSE FIT IN THAT SQUARE HOLE?!” Does taking drugs allow you to defy the laws of physics? Or maybe the horse has some of that Alice in Wonderland “Eat Me” crap which allowed him to shrink. Except his head seems normal-sized. Maybe his body is tiny? I THINK MY BRAIN IS STARTING TO SPASM! Still, I like the photo…

  118. OMG THIS BOOK. i have a connection.

    i used to work for a nonprofit that operates a Very Large Website Full of All The Knowledge In The World. Read their page on this book, because it is a classic. Especially the legal section. I saw that suit come in. It was probably the best thing i’ve ever seen in my time there… and i saw a LOT of very amusing things.

    And please DO watch the Dramatic Reading on YouTube. It is so much gold. SO. MUCH. GOLD.

  119. Sorry, Granny K. It’s going to have to be “Jaqua’an the Hedgehog shuts down his meth lab.”

    Granny K | September 3, 2015 at 3:11 pm

    Now I have to rethink my story “Hedgie the Hedgehog finally shuts down his meth lab”.

  122. Jenny I’m DYING!!!! You are my favorite!!! You made my day!!!!! I had no idea I needed to be watching my horses so carefully. That one time my mare laid down in a creek with me on her back is making more and more sense…..

  124. Roy Rogers wrote a similar book about horses and drugs, but I couldn’t get past the Trigger Warning.

  126. OMG. Hahaha.. well, to be fair, she doesn’t look that THAT sort of horse.. I hope she goes to equestrian boarding school and stays there. Hopefully she wouldn’t get pregnant before hitting 20.

    This reminds me of when this guy named Jeff Wysaski made some fake self-help books and left them at a bookstore: http://www.pleated-jeans.com/2015/03/17/i-made-some-fake-self-help-books-and-left-them-at-a-local-bookstore/

    The one about the centaurs is just laud out loud hilarious. Also involves human sacrifice and Satan. You have been warned.

  127. Sylvia & James also wrote “Spicy True Stories, Investigators Lies, Slanders And Stocks” (http://www.amazon.com/Spicy-Stories-Investigators-Slanders-Stocks/dp/1413483496/ref=asap_bc?ie=UTF8). I got a little psyched b/c I thought maybe they’d written a “spicy” book for adults, but (according to the single reviewer) it’s about how the world is apparently out to get them o_O Also, that ‘Stocks’ actually means ‘stalks’ b/c they think people are stalking them.

    You just can’t make this stuff up.

  128. @Kethryvis (Comments 115 & 117), thank you so much for linking to the legal filing. Although, as a lawyer, I do have to say that it was quite painful to read. Filed “pro per”? Did she mean properly, or pro se?

    Oh, my head hurts. But now I need a copy of that book. And I may name my next pet Latawyna the Naughty [cat][dog][chicken] (depending on which family member wins the next pet choice vote).

  129. Why the fuck is this not available in an electronic version? I’ve known many horses addicted to drugs. Just look at all the fermenting fallen apples they eat! Fucking alcoholics.

  130. Oh. MY. God. I came back for more comments and I read the legal filing!!!! I don’t have the witty comment for that… I just don’t. So great.

  132. I am certain that if I had known of and read this book back in the good ole “just say no” days, I would not have spent one entire evening in high school carving a pipe out of a carrot. Then again, I’m pretty sure a horse would totally want to smoke pot out of a carrot, so maybe it wouldn’t have helped after all.

  133. This is beyond good. I recently became a horse lover and always noticed something different and life altering in their eyes. Now I know why. Next time I visit the horse farm I am going to drink a six pack of beer and do like I did in college, bum a smoke from someone. From a large, muscular guy with big teeth, a tail and a ____ the size of a fire hydrant. 🙂 You made my day.

  134. OMG. I wish I were wittier so I could post something funny to go along with all the funny, witty comments that are posted here. I have laughed and laughed at all the comments. I am now going to check out their blogs.

  137. Do you think LaTawnya just stands around with a smoke in one nostril reading horse_ebooks tweets and going “Yeah… Yeah…right fucking on, man… That is so deep, just– whoa. Whoa, horse_e.”

  138. I now have a new goal when looking in used book stores and thrift stores. I must own this book. Jenny, you stumbled onto a very weird treasure.

    And that legal brief… I don’t even know where to start. Ok, that’s not totally true. I just sent the link to this post to all the animal lovers, lawyers, animal loving lawyers, and people who lived through the Nancy Reagan era that I know. That’s a start.

  140. I remember reading a story as a girl about another girl, who had the misfortune to believe that her city cousin would come to the farm for a visit and find her white horse lacking in comparison to Black Beauty – so she washed and washed the horse only to get it to a dingy yellow color. She also decided to clean up the yard of all the rotting apples to make the home place seem more respectable. So the pigs were given all the rotting apples and they got drunk and broke out of their pen just as the guests arrived! Now I guess Nancy Reagan and the author of this book would have word or two to say about how this poor girl was an underage accessory. Or maybe just an accessory to porcine drinking …

  142. I’ve been waiting for the next post from the Bloggess, then realized that this post is the end-all and be-all of blog posts. It’s so wonderful that even if you never again write in this blog, you have attained perfection. Thank you!

  143. This is a serious issue! I understand that the author didn’t want to show accurate details of horses taking hard drugs in case any horses reading the book chose to copy them. Trust me, there are few more disturbing things than opening a toilet door to find a dead horsejunkie inside, needle still in fetlock.

  145. What’s cracking me up most is that my little sister’s name is Latonya (probably pronounced the same) 😉

  149. Is there any mention, or better yet a depiction, of horse tranquilizers? I also heard that yak roofies could fuck you square but I never got warned about that by my government so I can’t really tell if there are dangers or if it’s like walking naked through a field of daisies (without being allergic or anything.)

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