Mortification is what bring us all together. (Cringey tweets part 2)

1. If you’re in Missouri click here for info on tonight’s FURIOUSLY HAPPY reading and signing.

2.  If you’ve been gone for a bit you may have missed this, so let me catch you up.  Long story short, I mortified myself at the airport this week and you amazing people decided to make me feel better by tweeting thousands of instances of your own mortification, which were both incredibly relatable, beautifully human, and also completely fucking hysterical.  And what’s amazing is how many people were able to let go of horrific moments seared into their soul and find the humor in them while perfect strangers said, “SWEET TINY JESUS, THAT TERRIBLE THING HAPPENED TO ME TOO.”  And it was beautiful.  And still hasn’t ended.

I posted the first set of my favorite tweets over here but they are still coming in and are amazing, so the next set is being saved for posterity right here.  NEVER STOP AWKWARDING, YOU AWESOME WEIRDOS.

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Putting a break here so the front page doesn’t run on forever.  Click through to read more.

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183 thoughts on “Mortification is what bring us all together. (Cringey tweets part 2)

Read comments below or add one.

  1. OK, I don’t tweet so I will share one of mine here . . . it’s 1977 and my parents finally let me have a pair of bell bottom jeans. I picked out the most wide legged bell bottoms I could find. I eagerly wore my oh-so-cool pants to my first week of Eighth grade. I was late to class and started running up the steps to the second floor. My right foot stepped on the inside of my left pant leg, tripping me. I face planted on the steps and slide all the way to the bottom and instantly became “the weird kid”.

  2. I read these the first day the tweeting began. I attempted to read them out loud to my boyfriend. I laughed so hard I cried. Then I laughed so hard I farted. Which only made me laugh harder. I considered tweeting that, but I couldn’t breathe anymore. Figured if it was safest for all if I didn’t join the fun. The newest batch is just as funny as the first batch!

  3. I’ll pick on the husband. Just to mess with him I asked “When is Cinco De Mayo?” and he answered “I don’t know.”

  4. And here’s another: Tweeting not one, but three awkward moment tweets…all of which Jenny retweeted. Noticing most people stopped at one.

  5. I was at a friend’s graduation party and had met a bunch of her family a few years back but didn’t remember them all. A guy walked up to me and asked how I was doing, I assumed I had met him before and forgot, and I said, “Hey, long time no see!!” and gave him a big hug. He said, “thanks for that, but I’m the waiter.”


  6. OMG! I have seriously hurt myself laughing at these…one time after the first time having sex with a guy I couldn’t find my underwear…we looked everywhere…his dog had taken them to the furthest corner of his lot and buried them. I don’t know what kind of sign that was meant to be…needless to say we didn’t date long…

  7. I am Twitterphobic so I will put mine here: I once replied to a text from my boss requesting that I fax a document to him ASAP. I meant to reply “I will fax it to you first thing tomorrow.” What iPhone actually auto-corrected to: “I will fuck it first thong tomorrow.” #mortified

  8. I don’t have Twitter so I’ll leave this here. My husband and my insurance agent and myself were going back and forth about my homeowners insurance for a rental home I own. I meant to forward an email to my husband and instead replied back to my agent with “Check this out, I think my insurance agent is a moron.” I don’t even know how one recovers from that.

  9. Super Cringe: I failed to properly label my potential and past dates from two different dating sites. I ended up on the phone incredulously demanding to know if the Guy #2 (I thought I was talking to Guy #1) had suffered brain damage since he couldn’t seem to remember bending me over my couch and performing extraordinarily good oral sex for over an hour (only I was much much cruder in my delivery). In my defense, they shared a very unusual first name…and it was really really good oral (I never met Guy #2, but Guy #1 is a good friend now). I have since developed a much better system of labeling dates. Last names, what a concept.

  10. It’s a beautiful thing you did here. Not only because so many of these are so damned funny but because being able to share them is very comforting.

    We can take those moments that are seared into our minds as negatives and recast them. They become less hurtful and actually become something we laugh at. I shared a few of mine that were painful to me at the time and now, thanks to this, are just funny. I’m proud that two of them even made it onto this list!

    The mortification I felt when I had to tell the police, in front of my distraught neighbor, that I watched the car get stolen because I thought it was being repossessed… that mortification is now humor and even a little bit of pride in a weird ass way.

    The neighbor still hates me but at least now I can walk by his house and chuckle about it a little bit.

    So thank you!

  11. I knew that someday a new, modern and probably even potty-mouthed Erma Bombeck would appear….I would somehow find her and a new era of laughter in my life would begin. Today I found your blog and it has begun!!!

  12. I don’t tweet, I text. My long distance bf was texting intimate photos of himself to me and for the first time EVER, I sent one back to him. A few minutes later, I received a “different”, intimate photo from a name I did not recognize. I had accidentally emailed to the last recipient of a group text that I was a part of!

  13. This whole series made me smile more than I have all week. I’m bookmarking these posts to read again when I’m feeling down. SO many snort/laughs!

  14. I was in Las Vegas for business. Went to meet about 12 business acquaintances for breakfast. All dressed up in my big girl business suit, looking straight ahead walked in with an air of importance and stopped short when I ran into a mirrored wall. I have been retired for 10 years and I still haven’t gotten over it.

  15. I used to work one the phone all day and switched to a retail job. After I finished ringing up a customer I said, “Thank you for calling.”

  16. The moment I knew my boss and I were comfortable with each other (I had just started new job)–I had to tell him he had a hole in the seat of his pants (because apparently no one else would!). He jumped out of his seat and tried to see it himself, then put his jacket on and asked if it could still be seen with the jacket. We then discussed options to fix it–I advised him not to use a safety pin as that could be dangerous. So yes, I had to admit to my boss that I had spent the greater part of the day staring at his ass. (Note: I am still at the same company with the same boss 7 years later…)

    This twitter feed was epically hysterical! Love!

  17. I don’t understand twitter so here it is: In college, we were drinking in my dorm room. Since that wasn’t allowed we had a special cubby where we kept our bottles so if an RA walked in, they would be hidden. My friend’s boyfriend asked where he should put his empty bottle and I said, “You can put it in my hole.”

  18. Not on Twitter — so…I was in high school, and arrived late for a session with my math tutor because I had been talking to another teacher about taking AP classes. Cheerfully announced: “Sorry, I was talking to Mr. _______ about AP-ness.” Yeah. Just say it out loud. Could never look my tutor in the eye again, and I’m convinced that’s why I am awful at math.

  19. I have a long one.

    Was getting my male dog neutered and felt bad about it. The new, handsome vet, told me that there was a new procedure where we just drained the sacks, we don’t totally cut his testicles off. “Oooh, that sounds much better. Please do that.” I felt relieved

    Years later when the dog was old and having prostate problems, I was living in a new town and visiting a new vet. “I don’t know if it matters, but Goliath wasn’t actually castrated, he was “drained.”

    The vet looked at me with a totally straight face and said:

    “Ma’m? There’s no such procedure in veterinary medicine.”


    Had to find a new vet.

  20. My poor little boy is worried about me because I’m in tears laughing hysterically.

    Several times, I’ve responded to other people’s bad news with “Oh, that’s awesome!” instead of “Oh, that’s awful!”. I think carefully before I speak now.

  21. Big fat boo! Everyone in the world got a retweet except me … kind of sick when you’re not as funny (or awkward??) as you think you are.

  22. This one time, I was volunteering at an elementary school. On my way out the door, a kindly looking older gent was coming in the door. I exited the door first, pushing it open, and he stepped towards me to the side with his arm out. Thinking I’d met him at the school or maybe a grandparent of one of the kids I was helping and I just didn’t recognize him, I went in for what I thought was a nice hug. Turns out, he was after the handle on the door to hold it for me. Awkward hug commence. And he was a pretty high ranking member on a state school board. Hope there were no cameras….

  23. Working as a receptionist to a man who was good friends with the Dean of a large upper scale NE University, whose name was Winship, as I was taking down his message, I spelt his name back to him as W-I-N-S-H-I-T,

  24. An intern was attending his 1st work get-together & was standing off to the side. As I walked past, I told him to get in there & get some food, because “these people will eat you.” I think I meant something like “eat you out of house & home,” which makes no sense either, but would’ve been better. I just kept walking & left the party.

  25. I couldn’t Tweet this because EMBARRASSING. Also vulgar. I hope it’s okay here. When I was a teenager I told my father that my brother was a mess and had gone in to change because I had just given him a blog job. I meant SNOW JOB.

  26. I literally just spit water all over myself, my dinner, and the kitchen reading these. And somehow totally soaked my glasses…??? I’m TOTALLY talented, in all the wrong ways.

  27. I don’t tweet, so here’s mine. After a long day of traveling on vacation with my family, we stopped at a Cracker Barrel where I asked the waiter if they had egg omelets. I meant cheese. I still haven’t lived that one down and it was 30 years ago.

  28. If there is one thing I have learned from this: never have your boss’s cell phone number.

  29. I was waiting with my pen, to sign a credit card receipt. Realized I had been standing around with a tampon poised to write.

  30. These make me feel so much better. My twitter account is private, so I’ll leave one here too:
    I was on the HS quiz bowl team (cringeworthy start already, eh?). Question: Word starting with letter A that describes the sacs in your lungs? I yell out AREOLA and, when I realized I just yelled about nipples to the three male judges, I claimed that the bewildered girl next to me whispered the wrong answer to me. Alveoli, I meant.

  31. Thank you all. I honestly thought I was the only person things like this happen to.
    Just yesterday I stopped at a stop sign and waited patiently for it to turn green. It took the angry honking of other motorists for me to realize I was at a stop SIGN.

  32. When I’m tired, my motor skills suffer. I was eating a sandwich, balanced on my fingertips. Fumbled, saved, fumbled again and stuck my Nutella sandwich to my upper arm. My husband calls it Sandwich syndrome.

  33. I don’t know if it’s a coincidence or whether people are jealous of all the attention your tweets of embarrassment are getting, but I’ve been seeing this tweet from Runner’s World magazine lately:

    @runnersworld Try not to cringe as these runners tweet their most embarrassing moments:

    Some are pretty funny, & as a longtime runner, I can relate to many of them.

  34. Long interview process, made it all the way to the end for the final interview with two head honchos. Shook hands with the first, no problem. Shook hands with the seconds, and his knuckles cracked really loudly. I froze, could not recover, answer questions, or get the job.

  35. While making an award presentation during a large public gathering, I said the number 111: “one hundred eleventy one” – wanted to be euthanized on the spot.

  36. I just remembered another one. Working as a waitress, my manager was teasing me about having to make so many desserts. Teasing back, I flipped her off! Had no time to apologize until the end of the shift.

    Luckily, she was a good sport about it. She was actually glad that I could joke around with her and not just think of her as a boss. Still, totally embarrassed.

  37. Pretty sure my life is just a series of awkward moments: peed my pants while on a date- no alcohol involved; watched as my refrigerator door fell off, continued holding the handle and staring; if it’ something I’m supposed to eat or drink in public, I automatically spill it or choke, farting and burping, lots of that; trying to be funny I told my students I needed to warm up before reciting a dramatic poem and promptly spit my gum at a kid in the front row; encountered a former colleague in a food truck line and was so anxious to get away from her that I elbowed a complete stranger out of my path as I speed walked away, realizing belatedly that I hadn’t grabbed any utensils. I ate my tacos with a spoon…that I found.

  38. OMG. I was warned, yet I read first 20 or so at work. Now I’m crying between laughing fits and trying to hide it from random people walking in the hall outside my office. I’m a loser!

  39. I love all of these, but that could be because I’m the person who has these moments where I work… Especially fart moments.

  40. I was addressing a Christmas card to my aunt-in-law and her boyfriend. I couldn’t quite remember his last name but thought it had something to do with butts. Thought for a while, was sure I had it right, and addressed his last name as “Hinder”. Found out at the family Christmas party that it was actually “Keester”. Ooops.

  41. I don’t tweet, but I want to share mine.

    Age 19, first year of college. I went home with a guy on the first (and only) date because I thought he was inviting me for a slumber party. Took my comfiest sleeping shirt, even. All of my friends asked me if I was SUUUUUURE I wanted to go. I don’t remember when it dawned on me that “slumber party” was NOT the operative term, but it wasn’t until much later.

  42. One time I was ordering juice and it was loud and I couldn’t hear what the lady was asking me so I said no thanks, it turns out she was asking what my name was for the juice, she just stared back at me with a blank look. Awkward

  43. These are hilarious. I’m reading them at work and trying to stifle the giggles.

  44. I don’t tweet much, but one time I saw a guy in one of the aisles at the grocery store and after years of clubbing, this guy looked familiar and he was alone and I swear he looked like someone I knew. I saw him, gave him a huge hello, and a hug. I have to say, he at least took it all with grace. Mentioned how his daughter loved a certain ice cream and he better get it. Then I realized… he was MY NEIGHBOR. The neighbor RIGHT ACROSS THE STREET. I was mortified. The most anyone in this neighborhood does is maybe a finger of hello, a wave, and that’s it. Me, I HUGGED and acted like I knew this guy for years. He, of course, is still there, with his family, and we wave hi to each other and nothing has ever been said, but I always wonder when he sees me if he remembers it as horribly embarrassing as I do. I call him the ‘overly exuberantly hugged guy’.

  45. I worked with someone who, wrote a letter to hundreds of patients and said “It has been a horror to serve as your dentist…” Instead of “It has been an honor to serve as your dentist”. Fortunately everyone saw the humor in it.

  46. My boss showed me a picture from a family wedding of her dancing with a silver-haired man. I said,”Oh, how nice, is that your father?” Stony-faced silence, then she replied, “No. It’s my husband.” Hurried back to my office,red-faced, to give two-weeks notice.

  47. My sister was out with friends on a Saturday, and she had to use a toilet. She hates public restrooms, so her friend Anne offered her empty office restroom nearby. While my sister was in the stall, she texted “Going Poo!” And sent it to Anne. Except she sent it to Andrew, the contractor renovating her kitchen. Worse, he texted back “who is this?” and instead of ignoring it, she replied, “never mind!”

  48. When I was a kid I wore my new suede shoes to school. I’d never actually heard the word “suede” said out loud, so when someone asked what they were made of, I said, “Soo-ed.” She said, “Um, I think you mean suede.” I immediately saw my mistake and knew I had to double down. I said, “No, they’re this new material called Soo-ed. You haven’t heard of it?”

  49. Sophomore year in high school physics class playing my usual game of hangman with guy next to me. As I leaned over to better see the hangman on his paper I accidentally scooted my desk over too far and being theater style seating, the desk leg scooted off the level and I toppled over with my desk rolling down a couple levels landing with my dress over my head because of course I couldn’t be wearing pants that day. I pretended I had fainted.

  50. I used to schedule appointments at a doctor’s office, once asked a young woman “I’m not sure what the doctor meant to write here, it says you had a BKA? Do you know what that is?” She says “Yes, it’s a below the knee amputation.” I cheerily say “Oh great, thanks!” Then stammer “I mean, not great for you, just that, you know patients don’t always know what the acronyms mean and…um…” had to hide under my desk until I died of mortification.

  51. So, you’re in the New York Times-
    Also, after euthanizing a client’s dog, I followed the normal “I’m so sorry for your loss” with “It was really nice to meet you. Hope I see you soon!” No. Just no.

  52. After dating my (now) husband only a couple of months, we’re walking through a street fair holding hands. Except he had walked away to check out a store and I’d been walking along holding hands with his brother for an entire block. He was too embarrassed to let me know I was holding hands with the wrong one. Married 13 years now and this still gets brought up against me.

  53. I will have to read the rest of these later, but considering I’m at the temp job from hell right now, I absolutely needed the laugh.

    Also: Once ran into a girl I knew and went in for a hug, yelling her name excitedly. She totally did not get the same vibe and gave me an awkward smile. I had to turn the hug into an “I’m just waving my arms for fun” gesture that fooled approximately no one.

  54. I just laughed so hard that I scared my cat and accidentally inhaled my vodka soda. Yup, it’s that kinda night…

  55. Driving along, hear siren, see flashing lights. Quickly pull over, while lecturing kids about paying attention when driving and getting out of the way of fire trucks. Hear air horn, very close. Realize smoke is pouring from door of business I’m parked in front of. Kids have not let me live it down, 30 years later.

  56. Working at a doctor’s office I once asked a woman “I’m not quite sure what the doctor meant to write here? It say’s you have a BKA, do you know what that stands for?” She says “Yes, it’s a below the knee amputation.” I cheerily say “Oh great, thanks!” Then stammer “Umm, I mean, not great for you, great that you know what the acronym is, and ummm…” Then I had to hide under my desk until I died of mortification.

  57. I used to work at a doctor’s office and once asked a woman “I’m not quite sure what the doctor meant to write here? It say’s you have a BKA, do you know what that stands for?” She says “Yes, it’s a below the knee amputation.” I cheerily say “Oh great, thanks!” Then stammer “Umm, I mean, not great for you, great that you know what the acronym is, and ummm…” Then I had to hide under my desk until I died of mortification.

  58. I used to work at a doctor’s office and once asked a woman “I’m not quite sure what the doctor meant to write here? It say’s you have a BKA, do you know what that stands for?” She says “Yes, it’s a below the knee amputation.” I cheerily say “Oh great, thanks!” Then stammer “Umm, I mean, not great for you, great that you know what the acronym is, and ummm…” Then I had to hide under my desk until I died of mortification.

  59. My therapist was telling me about some of the customs in her native culture. I replied, “Holy cow!” She’s Hindu.

  60. In Hawaii, climbing Diamond Head, my (now) husband was carrying everything, including water. When on top, he stopped to tie his shoes, and I saw our bottle of water next to it, so I grabbed it and drank. The water was disgustingly warm, so I put it back. A big bald man took it. So I was like “Look! That guy stole our water” My husband said: “that’s not our water”

  61. Friend and I are at a concert and walk into a restroom with lots of stalls. We both go into stalls at the same time. Someone passes gas out loud. Friend assumes it’s me (it wasn’t–I swear!) and says, loudly, “I heard that!” Then, getting no response (because I was laughing too hard to reply), she reaches down under the stall and grabs my ankle and says it again, louder. Except I was two stalls down. She had called out a total stranger for farting, and then grabbed the poor woman’s ankle to torment her even further.

  62. Had been to a miserable bachelorette party with all sorts of penis paraphernalia, including drinking straws with little plastic penises on the end, and was forced to take some penile party favors with me when it was over. Weeks later, took my car to Jiffy Lube. When I came back to pick it up, all of the guys from the garage seemed to find a reason to be nearby as I checked out. Finally one of them says, “We, um… we accidentally vacuumed up your… your straw,” and they all crack up. Innocently, not even realizing that it was in the car, I say, “What straw?,” thereby forcing them to describe it to me. Awkwardness abounds and humiliation ensues–on both sides of the cash register. Never went back to that Jiffy Lube again. Never will.

  63. On a long car ride, I stopped at a rest stop to use the bathroom. I went in the stall, lifted my skirt and went pee. Totally forgot about my underwear. Had to decide whether to ride the rest of the way with wet undies or comando.

  64. When I met my last boss (an attractive dentist), we were discussing his working style/habits. He said that he is pretty meticulous about his work and can be anal at times. I replied, “oh that’s great, I like anal dentistry”. Thankfully, he didn’t seem to catch that. Die.

  65. I live in Missouri. Unfortunately, I found out about your reading at Left Bank Books here at 9:00PM tonight, two hours too late.

    I just finished Furiously Happy. I like it a lot, but do suggest you use “totally” a bit less often.

  66. Hi. I feel like this may be an inappropriate place to ask a question, but I need some help. Recently, life has decided to award me with a few separate but related traumatic events. The current form of therapy I am trying (something like somatic experience cognitive awareness) makes me feel silly. I don’t know what other types to try. Sitting and talking with a therapist has helped me before, but this new stuff is so much more intense. I’m sorry for posting this here. I hope you don’t mind.

  67. So last summer I knit a lovely afghan for some good friends as a wedding gift. Even fancied up a plain paper bag to wrap it it. I was quite pleased with myself…until the new husband texted me and asked if anyone in my family was missing a sock. Apparently I had unknowingly glued one of my son’s dirty socks to the bottom of the homemade gift bag.
    This weekend I went to a Halloween party I only knew two people in the entire throng of revelers, but managed to strike up a conversation with a stranger over our love of Doctor Who and the assorted sweets on the snack table. While conversing with aforementioned stranger, I spied what looked like a plate of Madeline cookies, so I popped one in my mouth.
    It was not a cookie. It was an uncooked mini pig-in-a-blanket. I kept chewing and swallowed that thing, hoping nobody noticed. The fellow Whovian was just staring at me, slightly horrified, and asked if I’d like a cooked one this time.

  68. On my first date with my high school crush, for some reason, I started going on about antiquated names. I was nervous and babbling. I complained that some names should never be given a child anymore because they are so dumb. For some reason, I chose one to be particularly hard on. I decided that “Fred” was the worst of the lot. My date drove on, quietly listening to my chatter. When I was done, he hesitated and then said, “L, Fred is my father’s name. Fred is my brother’s name. And Fred is my nephew’s name.” If I could have crawled under a rock, I would have.
    Thankfully he has a great sense of humor 🙂 He married me anyway 😉 But I don’t pass judgment on names anymore!!!

  69. My moment of mortification.

    I visited the Johnson Space Center and in a moment of what seemed like brilliance (at the time) I said to my husband “Hey, when Apollo 13 said Houston we have a problem…do you think they were talking about here?”
    My husband stared at me for a moment then asked “Um, yah. Where did you think they were talking about?”
    My response (other than blushing hard)? “Houston is a man’s name too…isn’t it?”

    The NASA guide (sitting right next to my husband) couldn’t stop laughing.

  70. I had stop reading half way through. I was laughing so hard I was crying. Same thing happened with this batch.

  71. I’ll join in.

    At a staff meeting at work, my coworker was discussing her history of having been sexually abused. Suddenly, my (troll)brain flooded with memories of a hilarious joke at a recent party. I started cracking up while this poor woman was discussing her trauma. I almost got it under control, but then I realized that this was comically unfortunate for me, so I started cracking up again.

  72. I am a caregiver… and I work at a building that houses people over 62. It’s connected to our housing authority building. I thought it was safe to fart in one of the hallways, but I seriously misjudged it’s force. A lady was in the laundry room when I let it rip…. she ran out screamimg “what the hell was that?” She thought something had blew up.

  73. Thank you for sharing these. I have had the worst week, and was so sad, until I found the first group of tweets. I think I’ve blocked out most of mine – and there have been plenty of awkward moments.

  74. We have a program at work called Version Six. I am Afrikaans, and the number 6 is Ses in Afrikaans. So while talking to my manager, instead of saying Version Six, I somehow mixed Six and Ses and ended up saying “Version Sex” – bilingual embarrasment

  75. I apparently don’t know what it is any more….I will meet my tribe leader this Friday NOT Sunday!! Which I put on here for all to see. Yup….

  76. Once during uni finals the grocery store was closed so I tried to open it with my house key. I don’t think anyone saw how long it took me to figure out automatic glass doors don’t have keyholes. :s

    PS: To the woman from comment #81: I think you kind of forego your right to mock other people’s penis straws when your place of business is called Jiffy Lube :p

  77. I was reading some of these to my husband, and he reminded me of the first party we went to after moving to Germany. He complimented one of the other guests on her English–she was British.

  78. There was the time when I was in a production of the Scarlet letter, and I got to play a part that I’d been begging to play forever. My first time as this woman and I introduced myself to the audience as Hester Pryne, instead of whatever the character’s name that I was playing. Oops.

    Or my first Bio class teaching after breaking my leg, and I came in on crutches, go to sit down and the chair rolls out from under me and I end up on my ass on the floor laughing in front of the entire class.

    The time I was working a weekend job at the museum of Science, and answered the phone like I was at my weekday job of a chiropractor’s office, and argued with the person that called the MOS that it was really the chiropractors office.

    So many more. I’m an awkward dork on my best days! Thank you for this thread, I’m dying laughing and relating with everything.

  79. I don’t have twitter, but here goes. I was in the dorm elevator with my boyfriend, suddenly I start laughing uncontrollably and jump out at the first stop. It was the Ohio State Football team’s dorm floor (not usually a safe place for a goth girl in the 80’s). Boyfriend panics but can’t get to me until he rides all 19 floors down and back up again. Asks me what the matter was.
    A woman had gotten in the elevator all dressed for an interview with those Anne Klein earrings, the ones that were a lion’s head with a gold ring in the lion’s mouth that look like door knockers. I stepped out because I had just told her “I like your knockers”.

  80. I’ll add another of mine that I just thought of.
    New neighbors move in next door. I’m anti-social so I hadn’t met them – UNTIL my husband & I run into them at Home Depot. My husband walks up to the neighbor husband shakes his hand and says Hello to his wife. I stand there and stare for a minute before saying “Do I know you?” My husband was like “Uh, they’re the new neighbors”. I felt so small and stupid so I blurt out “Well, I’ve never SEEN them before so…” Yeah. I still hide from them.

  81. After med student patted my arm telling me everything was okay as I was in the latter stage of labor and looked away from me dismissively, I panicked. Trying to grab his arm and tell him, “No, it’s isn’t!”, I instead got ahold of a very erect penis and squeezed firmly before I realized what I was doing. Immediately, got his attention (and mine, too!). I apologized the next day.

  82. Okay. So I’m hostessing at a restaurant years ago. Dining room so busy that my manager is at my side helping out. A party of four, named, Barter signs up. An hour later, it’s their turn. I grab the the microphone in front of a packed room and confidently announce, “Farter! Party of bores!”

    My manager and I had a wide eyed moment as the waiting area swelled with laughter.

    I then had to do the walk of shame with the poor Barters to their table. Heeee.

  83. I work for a Women’s Health Center. Was trying to let the Doc know that the patient was almost ready. Texted “she’s peeing now”…to my son’s soccer coach. Laughed so hard that I also peed.

  84. Thank you for not one, but many ab workouts this week. I read the first batch to my husband and was laughing so hard at one point I had tears streaming and lost the power of speech.

    We are all so flawed and weird. It is wonderful to be reminded of the fact that we are never alone in our dorkiness. You are a good, good, human.

    Thank you!

  85. No twitter, so I’ll post here:
    Husband & I went to Scotland for our anniversary one year. When we went up to the National Wallace Monument, I pointed out the really cool statue of Robert the Bruce on the side. Of the William Wallace (as in Braveheart) monument. Husband tried to talk me out of calling it Robert the Bruce & I argued with him for quite a while. I got lots of odd looks.

  86. Not on Twitter, but this still makes me cringe. Early 90’s, college, at first meeting of newly formed AIDS Coalition, guests with HIV came to talk about their experiences: Intros include many references to having colds due to winter weather. It comes to me. I say, “Hello, I’m _____. I’ve always had a good immune system so I’m not sick today.”

  87. Reading these helped remind me of all the awkward conversations I had, or overheard, with coworkers from my last job. There were so many moments, I began to keep a work diary to write them all down. So many.
    Not coworker-related, but my own awkward moment – I use to frequent this one dance club. It had been a few weeks since I was at this venue. There were a few changes made to the layout, including the restrooms. So, when I had to go, I went to wear I normally use to go. Only this time, when I came out of the stall, I was surrounded by men, not woman. I pretended that I meant to use that particular restroom, washed my hands, and left without saying a word.

  88. I was running late one morning and threw on the first clothes I saw in an effort to be on time to my job at a very prestigious law firm. After a long day of meetings with clients and co-workers, I went into the bathroom to discover that my hot pink bra was VERY visible through my shirt. Note to self: use a mirror before leaving the house.

  89. This one time at the grocery store, I got to the checkout line, emptied my very full cart onto the belt, paid, and then promptly walked out. Without the groceries. I was really tired that day. Also, I’m Deaf, so the poor checkout lady had to chase me all the way to my car to get my attention.

    And back in college, while driving a big U-Haul truck one day, I learned the hard way that there is a reason why they post those big yellow “Clearance 7′ Feet” signs at the entrance to parking garages. It didn’t end well.

  90. Standing in doorway of boss’s office when my half slip fell around my ankles (very long time ago in the age of women wearing slips). I stepped out of it, picked it up and said, “I knew the elastic was going but I thought my hips were big enough to hold it up.” Lesson one on how to be a memorable employee….

  91. Years and years ago, was setting up a display with my boss of recent communications materials my team had up together. I flipped through one of the merchandise catalogs and noted how our designer had used a stock photo of a midget holding the camcorder, not meaning anything malicious by my comment. My boss looked at me and informed me that the right term was little person, and he knows because his son is one. DIED

    BTW- Jenny- you should totally package all of these amazing tweets and comments and publish a quick third book of everyone’s shared awkwardness. We’re all in this together.

  92. Story 1: Met a guy I ended up dating briefly in a club. We were trying to have introductory conversation, but it was very loud (obviously). I asked what kind of work he did. He said drafting, but I heard ‘traffic’. I asked what that entailed. He said drawing and design, but I heard ‘drawing the signs’. For about a month, I thought he drew traffic signs for a living. It seemed odd, but upon thinking about it, I realized that someone had to draw them, I guess, though it seemed like it wouldn’t really be enough to support a full time job since so many of them looked the same.

    Story 2: Mom sees the obituary for a coworker’s mom in the paper and we go to the funeral home to pay our respects. Don’t see anyone we recognize. We’re in line when we realize that we are at a complete stranger’s funeral, but we’re so close to the front of the line that we have to give our condolences to the family and view the body.

    Story 3: Once called my mom from a rather loud Waffle House. Talked to her for 5 minutes before realizing I had mis-dialed and was talking to a complete stranger. At the very least, it explained why the woman was so confused to hear details of my kayaking trip, though to be fair to myself, she also updated me on her life events.

    Story 4: As a small child, ended up at an event and was introduced to the governor of our state. He went to shake my hand, but I was holding a drink. Instead, I twisted my left hand around so it was facing the same way my right would have been facing and tried to shake his hand like that.

  93. Advised a female employee on how to get a promotion by taking a risk and doing more than she thought she was capable of. Tried to tell her she should “spread her wings” or “stretch her legs” on a high-profile project. Mixed up the phrases and told her that to get ahead she should “spread her legs”.

    Fortunately, she was 20 years older than me and a good friend, so we had a good laugh and that was the end of it (and PS, she did an unbelievable job on the project, and earned the promotion).

  94. Was in line to check in at the airport and terribly hung over. Had to vomit but didn’t want to lose my place in line, so discreetly threw up into my coat without anyone noticing. Unfortunately it was crazy cold on the plane but for obvious reasons I couldn’t use my coat.

  95. In my twenties I went to the drugstore to buy a pregnancy test….on the way to check out I saw a bunch of hangers on sale 13 for 1$…score!…..put them on the counter with the pregnancy test…made eye contact with the checker and all the blood drained to my feet 😉

  96. Love it!

    I always laugh if one of my senior students accidentally calls me “Mum” instead of Mrs G. 😀

  97. ain’t nuttin’ short of a phenomenon. i’m a fan if freuduan slips. it’s ironic how we live under the rule if a sex-driven ogliarchy yet if we accidently say “dildo” in front of our fathers it’s totally embarassing. i love psychology.

    following suit:

    during my first pap smear ever i let out a peter griffin giggle because i thought it would be really funny; calm my nerves. the gyno-tech didn’t react. so i didn’t either. but it was funny, especially because my vagina was the protagonist.

  98. My husband once combined “coup d’é·tat” “takeover” and came out with this gem: “Coupe De Steakover” It’s now our go-to word for anytime there’s a brain-to-mouth fumble.

  99. As I don’t Tweet either here is mine. I called the gas company because I thought my “electric” oven had a gas leak. Guy tried to make me feel better by telling me it happened all the time. Turned out to be paint fumes.

  100. Picked up my kid from a birthday party and the birthday boy’s extended family was there. When I was walking up, an older gentleman enthusiastically asked how I’ve been, to which I “…good, how about you?” He then gave me a big bear hug. I was too stunned and embarrassed to do anything except hug him back. I don’t know who he thought I was but I’ve never met him before.

  101. was standing in the lobby of an ad agency waiting to meet with a potential client whom i had met briefly once before when my hair was darker. looking at the awards lining the walls, i realized i couldn’t see very well. client comes out and says “wow! you’re blond!” me: “i was just standing here thinking that!” He said blond, not blind. realized what he actually said as we sat down in his office for my pitch.

  102. I arrived early for a Very Important Job Interview, and hit the ladies’ room in a rush. Glad I’d thought to do that, because it turned out I’d just gotten my period. Now, this was some years ago, so I was wearing pantyhose. I arrived in the Big Boss’s office (a dour looking man in his mid-sixties), sat down opposite him, crossed my legs, and saw… the word “Tampax” printed in blue on a rectangle of white paper across my calf. Under the pantyhose. I don’t recall a thing he or I said. My attention was entirely focused on keeping my briefcase angled flat against my leg, blocking his view.

  103. This is probably the best stuff I’ve ever read. I love it so much. I’m going to bookmark this and stare at it whenever I feel down. You people rock.

  104. I completely forgot this incident, but it just came back into my mind:
    When I was a teenager, teetering on the point of giving up going to church, I would sit right down the back, chatting with a friend through the service.

    On one occasion, I had what I thought was a mild case of gastro, but went along anyway.

    About halfway through the sermon, my bowels rebelled, & I let out a fart so loud it echoed through the church, the priest stopped his sermon, people looked around to see who it was, & half the congregation broke out in laughter.

    I waited until things quietened down, & the service had moved on, & silently left the church, with a wet warm mass in my pants; I’d not only farted, but I’d literally shat myself.

  105. My people!! I’m glad I’m not the only one who does stuff like that all the time. After my kiddo started acting out a bit at school, I sent an email to her teacher explaining that I would speak with my daughter about her attitude because I was getting a lot of sass at home as well….except I forgot the s in sass. Yes, I emailed my daughter’s kindergarten teacher to say that I was getting a lot of ass at home. I died.

  106. 1) I once waited a really long time for my gynecologist to show up for my appointment. This was an elderly fella who was very proper and polite. When he finally showed up, he apologized for being a “slow poke”. I looked him dead in the eye and said, “Is that a gynecologist joke??” He turned bright red. I’m still unsure whether to be ashamed or proud.

    2) Was at the theater with my best friend waiting for a play to start. When the room darkened, she jokingly clutched my arms like she was scared. I reached over to where she was sitting in the dark and clutched back. “FUCK!” she shouts into the quiet theater. Turns out I had honked her boob (pretty hard) instead of grabbing her arm.

  107. My step-niece was showing off her new engagement ring to her sister. Her sister tried to say it was both pretty and cute. It came out as “pute”. The whole family started calling things “pute” after that.

  108. Once, while calling into tech support I was placed on hold. Had two year old prancing around my feet yelling “Mommy, I love you” over and over again. Right when the tech support guy came back is when I yelled “I Love you too, now go away!”

  109. I was ordering dinner for delivery one night and I ordered a Reese’s Penis cookie, instead of a Reese’s Pieces cookie. Three times. I could not say Reese’s Pieces to save my life!

  110. After having lived in Europe for a while, it wasn’t a surprise to me to see a house in Georgetown with 1234 carved over the doorframe. “Look!” I exclaimed to my husband. “That house was built in 1234!” “Yes,” he said, “and the next one in 1236, then 1238 …. Interesting how they built a house here every two years, isn’t it?” He still reminds me of this idiocy occasionally!

  111. Have not laghed so much in years. Have to take a break before I need to change.

  112. Just as a random side note, I was listening to the audiobook of Furiously Happy on my way to an exam yesterday and I reached the garbage bag full of cat skins bit. When I got home from the exam, this was waiting for me from Pinterest. I nearly shot snot at my laptop screen laughing. The universe is with me.

  113. As a tweener at an orthodontist appointment: asked if I needed a vasectomy. Meant frenectomy.

  114. As a tweener at an orthodontist appointment: asked if I needed to have a vasectomy. Meant frenectomy.

  115. So much fodder for a great day! Thanks for posting these gems and for all those who contributed! Gave me several great belly laughs, which I consider the perfect start for a crazy weekend!

  116. My life is a never-ending string of such mortifying events. One of the worst:

    So back in college, (twenty-cough-cough years ago) I was leaving a store and there was a fundraising booth set up out front for the Spinal Cord Injury Association. (Back in the days when stores would let a charity do that then would match whatever they would raise.) A lovely quadriplegic woman in a motorized SNP wheelchair asked me if I’d like to buy a raffle ticket for a chance to win a big-screen color television. Not needing a TV at the time, and definitely not wanting to stand in the growing line at the other end of the table, I asked if I could make a donation instead. She said they’d be happy to accept any donation.

    I quickly fumbled through my pockets and found a $5 bill and proceeded to try to hand it to her. Growing frustrated because she wouldn’t take it, I shook it at her. Shook. A five dollar bill. In a quadriplegic’s face. She looked at the other end of the table and said, they’ll get you down there. Yep, I stood in that line for what seemed like hours marinating in my embarrassment.

    Thanks to all of you for making feel not so alone. 🙂 And special thanks to whoever it was who stepped on a baby. It makes me feel so much better that I have not done that . . . (yet.)

  117. I introduced my new assistant to the Big Boss three management levels above us. My assistant eagerly shakes the Big Boss’s hand and happily exclaims, “I’ve heard terrible things about you!” Big Boss tightens her grip and pulls her closer. “Are you telling me the truth?” Assistant’s eyes get huge as she assures Big Boss, “Oh yes! Absolutely!!” Big Boss looks at me hard, and leaves. Assistant doesn’t realize until I ask her why the h#ll she said that, that she had said “terrible” instead of “terrific”…

  118. A friend didn’t like to drink fizzy drinks so I thought I’d prank her by switching my sprite with her iced lemon tea. I switched it, forgot I switched it, took a huge gulp of ‘my’ drink and got a shock so I choked and ended up spitting it out on the table. We were in public.

    Went onstage on prom night, got excited. took a step back into the space between the stage and the wall. Fell off stage. Couldn’t get back up and had to be hoisted back up by 2 other people.

  119. Held open a door as I was leaving a public restroom for the ladies coming in. The last one said thank you and I said “that’s how I roll”. She was using a scooter because of a broken leg.

  120. I laughed so hard reading this I gave myself an asthma attack. Here is mine: My friend and I run errands together on Sundays. We were out one day and she let one rip in the car and immediately apologized and started laughing. I cannot handle other people’s bodily functions, especially if they have been acknowledged. I started laughing and dry heaving and had to roll the window down so I didn’t vomit in her car. It was this horrible cycle of laughter and dry heaving and trying to explain myself.

  121. Okay, I’ll add my most mortifying episode. Last class of the day in my senior year at high school. Did up to leave and suddenly realized I had miscalculated the capacity of my sanitary pad (ew, gross!) Hoping no one else had noticed, I scuttled quickly outside and stood there with my back to the wall, waiting until EVERYONE else was gone. I then siddled my way along the wall, hoping against hope that no one would come and talk to me. What seemed like eons later, I finally made my way to the restroom, conveniently located three buildings away from the room I had left. And, of course, I had no supplies, the dispenser wasn’t working, and good news/bad news, there was no one there to help me. Thank goodness sometime had left an unopened package in one of the stalls. I embedded up

  122. Darn, my phone jumped the gun on me…
    I ended up, not embedded up, throwing my underwear away and walking the 6 blocks home commando style. Never told anyone about this until now, 50 years later. To this day, I have no idea if any of my classmates noticed my distress and the evidence left on the classroom floor… but I sure learned not to overestimate those things.

  123. I was shaking some yoghurt drink and talking to my boss. I took the lid off to take a drink, and remembered a pertinent piece of information, and shared it. Decided my yoghurt needed shaken some more, but forgot I had the lid in my hand. Proceeded to shake creamy white liquid all over myself and the floor in front of my boss. Still have not lived it down.

  124. Just remembered another. I pulled up to an intersection with painted crosswalks across all four incoming roads, and stopped. There wasn’t a stop sign or light.
    I will also catch myself sitting at stop signs and waiting for them to change.

  125. These are hilarious!

    A couple of my many embarrassing moments: I walked into a busy store and heard the cashier say “Hi! How are you, today?” I very loudly reply “Fine, thanks! How are you?” Yeah, she was talking to the woman in her checkout line. I just turned around and left.

    Once, I came home and my roommates were in the living room playing on their xbox. I needed to cross in front of the tv and I tried to dart across really quickly so I wouldn’t disrupt the game. Tried. The clear glass door on the entertainment center was slightly open and I crashed right into it. It fell off and broke, and I had a perfectly straight line bruise from my forehead to my stomach for weeks.

    Good times 🙂

  126. I think my most embarrassing public moment (of at least the last two decades…I was much stupider when younger) was boarding a plane to Buffalo from Las Vegas. I asked a nice Indian lady in a sari if I could have the window seat (she was in the aisle seat). She nodded Yes. So I swung my (extremely heavy carry-on case) up to the overhead bin. Unfortunately, the momentum of the weight of the bag got the better of me and I ended up full-length, face down on the floor of the center aisle. The bag had somehow become detached from my grasp and fell (heavily) onto the poor Indian lady’s head. She had been eating French fries out of a little cardboard tray and that flipped, dumping French fries and ketchup all down the front of her beautiful silk sari. When I looked up from the floor of the plane I realized that her family were all sitting around her in the aisle seats before, behind and across from. They all looked like they wanted me dead. I got the carry on into the overhead bin, tried to help clean the lady off (which she resisted in a surprising hostile manner (??)), and climbed over her into the window seat. Prior to take-off I medicated myself with a Codeine and two muscle relaxers, pulled my Pirates of the Caribbean baseball cap down over my eyes and turned my face into the window. I slept most of the way to Buffalo. When we landed, I waited until everyone had left the airplane (in fact I waited so long the flight attendants asked me to “get the hell off” the plane) and then hid for half an hour near the baggage claim until the Indian family had exited the terminal. I made the mistake of relating the incident to the friends I was visiting, and all weekend – at random times – one of them would say “Oh! I’m so sorry about your sari.” And I mean ALL WEEKEND.

    This is a true story…because seriously? Who could make this stuff up?????

  127. I teach at a technical college and I got a text from a student saying that he would not be in class one night. I replied and said that’s fine because class was cancelled due to a faculty meeting, but my phone autocorrected it to “faculty neutering”. I don’t give out my phone number anymore.

  128. First week on the new job wearing a flowing boho long skirt and flats carrying 4 binders home at the end of a long day (making a good impression). There’s a flight of wide marble stairs you have to go down to get to the street between the office building and the parking garage. Made it 1/3 of the way down fine, but then my flats started hydroplaning down the stairs. Ended up on my back, binders everywhere, and my long skirt over my head, everything from the waist down exposed. I got up quickly hoping nobody saw, but looked square in the eyes of the parking garage attendant before he had time to duck in the booth laughing hysterically.

  129. Ok, one more. I was new at my first, real, grown-up job and there was a system outage so my team was standing around taking turns sharing their favorite joke. Trying to fit in, I shared mine. Much to my awkward surprise, it went well and they all laughed. So I attempted to tell another . . . without remembering it all the way through first. But I kept leaving out bits and having to correct myself (“oh wait, there was a dog”) and going back to the beginning to start over several times. The next several, horrifying minutes will undoubtedly go down in history as the worst joke-telling ever. And even as I heard myself say the punchline out loud, my brain was screaming, “This isn’t funny. Why isn’t this funny?” My coworkers politely chuckled. Somebody said, “Oh I think I remember that one.” And suddenly everyone walked away and sat down. I rushed back to my desk and tried to block the entire event from my memory.

    Oh, but wait, there’s more. It was Friday afternoon, and I had a bag packed and in the car, ready to spend the weekend with some friends. As soon as my shift was over, I made a B-line for the car and headed out of town. As soon as I hit the turnpike, the whole miserable ordeal started to wash over me. “Why had it not been funny?” As I’m mulling this over, I realize I don’t have exact change for the toll, so I get in the lane for the actual toll booth–the one with a real live person in it. Then it hits me–I had left out the pig, a crucial character to the story line. I’m quickly retelling the joke in my head, this time with the dog AND the pig, and I start laughing. Hysterically. Full on snot and tears, snorting, gasping for air, laughing. Just as I pull up to the toll both. I hand the guy my money. He bends down a little to look around in my car. Nope, nobody else in here, fella. No music playing. Just me. And I could regain control of myself. But thinking some explanation was in order, I blurted out, “I FORGOT THE PIG. IT’S NOT FUNNY WITHOUT THE PIG!” Dude took two steps backward and stood plastered against the far side of that toll booth looking as terrified as I’ve ever seen anyone in my life. I drove away without getting my change.

  130. When I was preteen, I had never heard anyone (or anything) referred to as a virgin, except THE Virgin Mary. I didn’t know what the word meant, but I very clearly associated it with women. I was at a big family gathering watching a movie (Hocus Pocus, maybe?) in which it was a plot point that the main character (a boy) needed to be a virgin. I loudly protested that there was no way possible that he could be, and my aunt was VERY confused as to how I might know that!

  131. Called AAA once because I thought I had locked my keys in my truck. They sent over a tow truck and the driver unlocked the driver’s side. I then walked around to the passenger side and found my keys hanging in the door. Quickly grabbed them and stuffed them in my pocket.

    Sad, but true.

  132. I was a missionary in Puerto Rico and had only been on the island for a few weeks, so my Spanish wasn’t very good. While at a church party I met a man who was just learning about our church and deciding if he wanted to be baptized. In my poor Spanish I tried to tell him to enjoy himself at the party, but instead told him I hoped he would masturbate. He got baptized.

  133. My old dog just lumbered in here, curious about the noises “mom” is making. He’s got that stupid look on his face, head tipped to the side, tongue hanging out. And he’s thumping on the floor. Oh wait, it’s been a few minutes since I wrote that…he’s not thumping on the floor, his tail is. It’s his tail. I can’t see for the tears of laughter running down my face. Thanks so much for this!!!

  134. I asked my housemate if she would mind if my friend stayed over..but it came out “do you mind if my friend Brian sleeps with me here tonight?”. As soon as I said it, my inner cringing was matched only by the funny look on her face..and the awkward approval-giving..”yes, it’s ok”..blush

  135. One of my cats needs subcutaneous fluids every 4 days. My boyfriend helps but it’s up to me to remind him when I need said help. I’ve night my brain forgot the word “fluids”.

    “Tonight I need your help with the…kitty…liquid….”

    It is now “kitty liquid” on my calendar. He won’t let me live it down. :-p

  136. I have awkward moments at least weekly. This week – a man asked me if my husband and I were planning on going to the Marine Corp Ball. I replied, “I’m not really into balls.”

  137. I spent three days in France last summer telling people I was in heat until my sister finally told me how bad my French was and corrected me.

    I also went to a pool once and pointed out a scuzzy pair of underwear lying on the ground. Turns out they were mine and had been stuck to my beach towel when I pulled it out of the dryer.

    I once farted in my office and before the smell had dissipated, a coworker came in, sniffed the air deeply and asked whether I’d just eaten a turkey sandwich.

    Thanks for a bunch of good laughs tonight.

  138. My favorite two (because I am always doing these kinds of things).

    Wedding day. We eloped and got married in Yellowstone. Crowd gathers while we say our vows. I mispronounced laugh as loff.

    At a cafe. Waiter brings the food and says “Enjoy your meal!” I say “You too!”. Bad enough, but then he stops, turns around, says ” I have no meal…” In a sad tone, and then bows and walks away…

  139. I mispronounced laugh as loff while saying my vows on our wedding day.

    Went to the barbershop with my husband. I was sitting down when another man walked in. My brain thought the barber was asking me if I was next, when I am clearly a woman with long hair and not barbershop clientele. So I stood up “No…I don’t need my hair cut… I’m with him (points at husband)” While my husband gives me the look like “Sit down he is obviously not talking to you”. I still tried to explain how I didn’t need any services when the poor barber was trying to avoid me and walk towards the guy who just walked in.

    Recently, we were at a cafe. Waiter brings out the food and says “Enjoy your meal!” To which (of course) I blurt out “You too!”. Bad enough, but then he turns around and says in a sad tone “But, I have no meal”, then walks away.

  140. I just can’t stop reading these. They make me feel so much better about my own life. My mom’s suffered so many of these mishaps that my aunt’s christened her a savant-idiot (i.e., someone who’s generally quite bright, but with stunning lapses in her competency) and, as her daughter, I frequently find myself playing Lucy to her Ethel. Like the time she went fireplace surfing down my grandmother’s front steps. (!Ethel-to-her-Lucy/cmbz/B8EF357D-6B55-4FB1-AB07-67AE4B33712A)

  141. Well now I have one… I’m reading these while husband is watching WWII documentary. He thinks I’m laughing at horror and tragedy.

  142. A few years back, my mom and stepdad took me, my boyfriend at the time, and a bunch of other family friends on vacation to St. Martin. The only rental cars were these tiny, “island cars” as I called them, and so we had to rent two of them in order to transport our whole group. Being that we had two cars, and cell phone service is shitty at best there, we had walkie-talkies in both cars so we could communicate (things like, “we’re gonna turn left at the next tree,” or “watch out for that menacing-looking monkey that’s throwing bananas, but they could be bombs disguised as bananas. oh god, we just drove over one!!! a banana bomb. not the monkey. driving over monkeys would be bad.”

    Anyway, at the end of our trip, we were all in our cars on our way to the airport, and after dodging more than our fair share of monkeys and banana bombs, all of a sudden my mom (who was riding in the other car), gets on her walkie-talkie and kinda proudly yells (like she always does, EVEN THOUGH SHE’S NOT ACTUALLY YELLING. AND ALSO NOT DEAF. BUT SEEMS TO THINK THE ENTIRE WORLD IS), “HEY GUYS!?!!! Did you know this island is COMPLETELY SURROUND BY WATER?!” … You could just hear the smile in her voice. Like she’d just discovered the cure for cancer.

    Of course, being the smart-ass, loving daughter I am, I had to get on my walkie and (in an acceptable level of volume) respond with, “As opposed all those OTHER islands?”

    This is also the woman (my mom, not me) who still to this day will literally piss her pants laughing when she or I retell the story of that one time we went to the Taco Bell* drive-thru, placed our order, and the female employee asked through the terrible, crackling speakers, “And would you like piggy sauce with that?” And my mom goes, “What the hell is piggy sauce?” And the employee goes, “No, piggy sauce.” And my mom starts cracking up, and goes, “But what IS piggy sauce? Does it go with tacos? Cause I like bacon on my burgers, but I’m not sure I want sauce made out of pigs on my beef taco meat.” And then there was silence for like, a long time. And then someone else (a manager?) goes, “Ma’am, just pull up to the window please.” And so we pull up, and the manager(?) guy goes, “Pic-an-te sauce. Do you want PICANTE sauce with that?” And my mom just busted up laughing. And pissed herself. But we still waited for our food, cause at that point? Fuck it.

    And, like I said, to this day, she’ll piss herself at the thought of it. All I have to do is say “piggy sauce” and, whooooosh, there’s a whole fucking mess all over the floor.

    *Sometimes, when my mom tells the story, she switches the restaurant drive-thru from Taco Bell to White Castle. But, why the fuck would White Castle be offering picante sauce with their cheeseburgers? I guess, in that case, the piggy sauce maybe makes more sense?

  143. i read one just now about a horrific plane experience….UGH I FEEL YOU SO MUCH, COMMENTER. back in the day when i used to actually travel i’d get messed up before going on planes. once, i went on a handful of adderrals. it’s amazing i didn’t die- or that the plane didn’t turn around- AND that i managed to keep to myself- bc i totally experienced an unacceptable caliber of sheer panic. like the one time i spoke i introduced myself as maxine taco-breath. these pseuodonyms really express my states of mind.

  144. These are great! Since I don’t have twitter, I’ll share one of my own here (this just occurred last week):

    I’m acting in a play, and at dress rehearsal I forgot a prop letter that I was supposed to take onstage with me. When it came time to give it to my fellow actor (who is the lead playing my son), I “improv-ed” giving him the letter and held his hand in a “motherly” way while we listened to the actor narrating the letter. Lead actor thought it was so hilarious that he told the rest of the cast that anytime we were stuck or messed up we should just “hold hands.”

  145. Actual text conversation: Me: Hi Stephen! This is [Me], from Tinder. 🙂 I may be over quick to say this, please don’t send me a picture of your penis! Reply: Wrong number

  146. These are hilarious. Once I had just accepted a job and was babysitting my nephew, who was a toddler, until I moved to start the job. I was on hold with one of the women I would be working with in order to make plans to meet at a conference, and asked my nephew, “Did you go poo-poo?” because he looked like he might have done some business in his diaper. From the phone I heard, “Why no, but thank you for asking.” Luckily, she was one of the nicest people I’ve ever met so she just got a kick out of it!

  147. When I was a little girl, I though it was so cool when mom put a red lightbulb in the front porch light at Christmas time! We both thought it looked so fast ove and cheery! But when dad came home, he freaked! Unscrewed it on his way in, and had to explain to mom that having a house with a red light in front is NOT A GOOD THING…she had no idea that red lights are a “welcome sign” (of sorts.) She was sooooooo embarrassed! That was over thirty years ago, and we have never forgotten it!

  148. Our playlist at my mom-in-law’s funeral accidentally included the punk hit by Suicidal Tendancies with the lyrics “I saw your mommy and your mommy’s dead”…..

  149. My three year old feeling me up in line at Walmart and told the elderly man in line behind us, “these are my mommy’s boobies”.

  150. Thank you all for the laughs tonight. Yesterday, my daughter told me she had been having suicidal thoughts and we ended up checking her into the hospital for a few days. I’ve been alternating between sobs of sympathetic tears and proud that she was able to come to me for help. I’m thankful that she’s getting help at age 14 that I didn’t ask for until I was well into my late 20s. My aching heart feels a wee bit better, knowing our tribe is all around, helping each other through life. Thank you, thank you.

  151. I’m reading through these at work (I work in a mental health unit) and one of the clients just came in and offered me her meds because I’m laughing so hard.

  152. I was a student leader in my first tech school in front of a formation of about 100 other airman. One of the office staff told me they needed to see Airman Cox. I asked Airman Cox to step forward and a female came forward. The office staff informed me it was a guy they were looking for, so I said in my loud command voice, “I’m looking for a male Cox.” The formation dissolved into hysterics…

  153. I sent a work email to about 6 people and said “we need to get our dicks in a row”. Meant ducks obviously! Two recipients were my bosses OF COURSE! To this day I can’t hear that phrase without laughing!!

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