You know you’re a parent when your child runs into your bedroom at 2 am hysterically yelling “THERE’S SOMEONE IN MY ROOM” and instead of hiding or calling the police you run straight into her room and check every closet and bathroom and cupboard because if there is someone in there you have to get him before he escapes because NO ONE FUCKS WITH YOUR KID. But you find nothing, and you calm your daughter down and tell her it was probably a dream as you tuck her back in.
And then you think about the fact that when your kid is off at a sleepover and you hear a possible burglar at 2am (who always turns out to be a cat) you send your husband out with a samurai sword to check while you sit in bed with a baseball bat and dial the 9 and the 1 and wait. But somehow it’s different when your kid is involved and you don’t even stop at the moment to think before charging in front of your husband to beat down a monster. And you think how brave it is to run straight into a room possibly filled with a burglar or worse. Brave, reckless and terribly, terribly stupid. Which is what parenting is all about when you break it down, now that I think about it.
94 thoughts on “You know you’re parents when you’re stupid”
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Yes! that is very accurate! Just for the record, when I got up in a frantic search in the middle of the night, it was a balloon from a party we went to….. 1 month ago…!
True! I never really thought about it but I would do the same! <3
Yep, yep, yep. I’m freaking one armed, and STILL go tearing into their room, ready to lay a one armed smack down on a creepazoid.
Smarts aint my strong point in the wee hours of the am, but Mama Bear never rests.
I actually thought this was going in a totally different way when I read the title. We have two teenage girls and we are currently the dumbest people on the planet. At least as far as they are concerned. Hopefully not for real.
I also do stupid things in my dreams to save my kid because even though he is 26 I still sometimes have a bad dream where he’s small and about to be crushed in a scrap heap (no clue as to how he got there) and I rush to the top of the rubbish pile in the nick of time to literally pull that boy from the jaws of death.
It never ends.
Once, when my daughter was about 4 (she’s 20 now), we were down at the beach. She had made a little friend (she’s an only child, bless her…she’s had to find someone to play with her whole life). Her and her friend were playing in the surf…with float protection on & they were just in up to their knees…when I saw people running out of the water down the beach and this dark shape moving beneath the water. I somehow leapt 15 feet without touching sand, snatched my child up over my head and waded out. I never even saw the other 4 year old (she followed me out of the water…confused as to why I was carrying my now-hysterical child in an overhead-barbell carry).
It was a manatee in the water.
Same with a dog. If you see a dogfight, you turn a hose on them. If it’s YOUR dog, you wade into the middle of the fray and throw yourself at the Hound from Hell that is attacking your sweet pup with no thought of the possible consequences.
“It’s MINE, dammit” works with kids, dogs, cats, and ice cream.
Yep. Mine is 17 and at least a head taller than me – more than large enough to deal with any stranger – and yet I would be the first to try to destroy anyone bent on doing him harm.
This is beautiful, and reminds my of my mother, who once chased a stray cow down the street with a plastic bugle because it was making scary noises outside my window.
Isn’t it awesome how we can get over our own fears and stupid shit when it comes to protecting our kids? Nothing is more important in the moment than the safety of our kids.
We were too lazy to have kids, just cats. It’s always the cats that sound like someone is ransacking the house in the middle of the night. We’re so lazy we don’t even get up to investigate anymore, but one of us will usually lay there for a moment listening with a hand on a firearm waiting to see if there’s going to be a mess to clean up in the hallway come morning. That’s how twisted AND lazy we are.
i don’t have children so it would be the same for me when it came to protecting my dog, cats & husband. (in that order, too.)
I was watching fireworks from my friend’s 24th floor balcony when I realized that if my 2.5-year-old were to fall off, I would jump after her. As if I might be able to catch her. Not a logical reaction at all.
Well done Mom! <3
And I’m late sending you this and now can’t find the actual link – but the Cuyahoga County (OH) Library had Furiously Happy as a must read of 2015. (or best book… or some high honor like that – my husband told me, but now I can’t find the link to prove it to you. Regardless NE Ohio librarians love The Bloggess! As do we!
LOL So much truth! That whole I am the only one that can keep her safe feeling kicks in and logic takes a flying leap.
For some reason I initially read that as “possibly filled with a burglar or horse.” Not sure what that says about my mental processes.
The instincts are shocking. Many years ago I was reading a bedtime story to my boys in my room. My husband was out and would be back in a few hours. Suddenly a hairy thing appeared low in the doorway. I pushed my sons back into the pillows and launched myself at it. Luckily, I realized in time that the hairy thing was my husband’s head. He’d gotten home early and crawled up the stairs to surprise us.
It gets much harder when they become adults. The need to protect them NEVER goes away!
Thinking didn’t have much to do with conception of life; why should it affect continued life?
Was asked to consider if I’d want a gun in a situation where my children were endangered. Couldn’t ever get to the hypothetical, my mind was stuck on TEAR IT APART WITH MY FUCKING CLAWS.
No one messes with Mama Bear!!
Yup. But there is something awesome about the fearlessness of protecting your kid.
Truer words have never been spoken…. Parenting is not for the weak that is for sure!!
We, however, will probably be murdered in our sleep because we just automatically assume any and all bumps in the night are caused by Cupcake Kitty and roll over and go back to sleep without investigating.
I aspire to one day be as stupid as you. If we can ever manage to acquire a tiny human to be stupid over, that is.
I feel like this works the same way with family and best friends who are like family. I have done some singularly stupid things to protect my best friend and little brother. (Pushing strange men twice my size across bars while roaring at them to keep their hands off her after she’s tried to extricate herself politely, verbally eviscerating small children and pushing them down hills when they made fun of my brother, sitting at the front door with a shot gun in a fury for hours because someone egged the house my poor parents had just put new siding on, etc.)
Oh, hell no. No one messes with my kid. Hope you were able to get back to sleep.
Never. FUCK. with. MamaBear.
When you have bad moments and the world scares you, remember that when it really counts you’re ready to get all “momma bear”.
Only time things with more than two legs are ever in danger from me is when they tilt toward one of my boys. And those boys, soon to turn 19 and 21, are both 6’2″ to my 5’4″ (yes, I know they’re mine because I was there when they were born). That mama bear shit is real.
I once lived in a not great area of Vegas. It was just dark out and my 5 yr old and i were getting ready to go out. As I grabbed my purse I heard a blood-curdling scream. I ran out the door and she was coming up the steps crying. A guy had talked her into coming down and had then tried to put his arm around her. She bit him, screamed in his ear and ran to me. I asked what he looked like, handed her off to a confused neighbor and tore off through North Las Vegas searching for the guy in the dark, on foot, without so much as a rock to throw at him. Luckily i didn’t find him cause I don’t know for sure what would have happened. He was taken care of though a week or so later. Daughter was all proud of herself, telling the cop “i did what mommy told me and he ran away”. She’s 32 now and has 2 boys of her own that she’d do the same for.
Our burglar alarm went off at five this morning, just as I was getting up to take the dog out. My husband said, “Make sure you go out through the garage.” And went back to sleep. My hero.
We may be small, but we are mothers and we be fierce.
(Fine, we’re not small, but we’re smaller than the non existent burglars – probably – and we’d still kick their arses because Mom adrenaline.)
So true! Alarm went off one night at 4am when son was in my bed not feeling well. Did I get him and put him in the room next to ours where we have 1) an easy way out of the house and 2) things to defend us with? Nope – I RAN down the hall into the living room towards the threat. That turned out to be my father in law randomly opening a window. We are stupid.
Is it weird that I was relieved it was you rushing toward a non-existent intruder, because I was worried that your daughter had become one of those pre-teen/teenagers who suddenly decide her parents are stupid?
I find it fascinating, the biological imperative to just protect this little fucking thing.
It demonstrates true love and devotion to your children. I won’t comment on what it says about you and Victor though! 😆😉
Sounds about right!
I used to tell my kids they had nothing to worry about in the night. Ghosts and spirits and bad guys weren’t nearly as mean and scary as I was. And they agreed.
Instincts are something else. I was doing laundry in our tiny townhouse one night when I was hugely pregnant with my second son and the 3 year old slept away upstairs. Out of nowhere, the dryer caught on fire and flames were licking around the bottom. Rather than attempt to put the rather small fire out as a rational person would do, I FLEW up two flights of stairs, grabbed the 3 year old out of bed, threw him over my shoulder and ran out the door. I promise you have never seen an 8-months pregnant woman move so fast….in fact, I probably haven’t moved that fast since that night, 15 years ago.
Before I had my daughter, I was afraid of ghosts. Nope, not anymore. Because a ghost BETTER be afraid if I find out he’s messing with my kid!! 😡
Suppose this explains why I attacked the two killers who were walking through my backyard at dusk. (By “killers,” I mean bow hunters who’d come from an adjacent property, where they’d shot a deer who hadn’t died yet, and by “attacked,” I mean I ran towards them screaming “I see you! I see you!” and then made them stand there while I took pictures of them. If you saw the picture, you’d have digital proof that mothers who flap and scream are terrifying.
But if someone WAS in the cupboard, it would be tiny and adorable! Like that Indian in that book! Unless it was just the torso of a full-sized Indian, stuffed in there by the murderer behind the shower curtain.
I don’t have kids but once ran out into the yard in my underwear to chase off a bear that was harassing my raccoon. One of my neighbors saw me and the neighborhood has never let me live it down.
This is so true, Several months ago I came home to my Front door being wide open so i left my kids in my locked vehicle and ran in screaming at the top of my lungs for whoever robbed me to get the F*** out of my house. of course they were long gone with all my stuff but afterwards i was like well damn that wasn’t very smart at all!
This is exactly what parenting is about, IF you’re doing it right. On the other hand, I’ve always worried what my reaction would be if my kid were being attacked by a swarm of bees. I’m terrified that I would run inside, lock her out and tell her to wait for the fire department. I really hope I’m wrong and that I never have to find out.
Brave, reckless, and terribly, terribly stupid — another name for love. 🙂
It also makes a great name for a garage band or my spirit animal — the mama badger
That’s how I once broke a toe–running like a crazy woman into my son’s room one night when he woke up screaming. I didn’t even grab my glasses, so as a result, I ran into the door frame, which I couldn’t see. Just had eye surgery, so no worries about a repeat of THAT performance. Of course, he’s 17 now and has a blue belt in Kung fu, so maybe I can take my time…No, I’ll still run in like a screaming banshee.
I don’t have kids yet, but I suppose if my dog woke me up at 2am I would have a similar response. 🙂
You are so so right! Except in my case I go look for things and not my hubby as he feels the need to get completely dressed before he will go and investigate! We could all be dead by the time he gets his socks on!
Parenthood changes you.
The biological imperative to protect your offspring trumps the need to think through your actions.
It’s not so much that parenthood turns you stupid, but that we’re biologically programmed to act rather than think when it comes to the safety of our kids.
That’s why a sick kid is so stressful to deal with, as you get the impulse to protect them, but can only do so much when it’s not an outside threat.
Any time I’m home alone, I sleep with the door locked and an unloaded shotgun (safety first). You best believe that if my partner heard something, I’m on it and usually not fully clothed. Two total situations call for two totally different reactions
When my son was 4 we lived in a mobile home (trailer), hot water tank was in his closet and it broke, so my poor boy comes running into my room saying a monster had peed in his closet, so of course I go running in there to beat any monsters and step in a lot of water….. what we do for our kids!
Well, that’s not MY experience as the child in this situation! When I was 17 I woke up to find someone breaking into our house via my bedroom window (I was crazy-lucky in that they just left when I asked what they were doing and then ordered them out). When I got brave enough to go upstairs to my parents’ room (where I had a completely terrified meltdown) they didn’t believe me, thought I’d been dreaming … I had to CONVINCE them to come look. I was vindicated when they saw the handprint on the outside of the window. So on behalf of all scared girls everywhere, thank you!
With my kid it is never a burglar but a horrible, horrible ladybug. Or worse, a spider.
When my son was leading a platoon around Afghanistan, I told people that if the enemy harmed one hair on his head, they were going to find out what a jihad really looks like. Crazy thing? I meant it. Word must have gotten around because he came back unscathed.
When my daughter was younger, we lived in a house (geez, I miss my house) that had an unfinished bonus room attached to her room. She went in there for something and came tearing downstairs to tell me there was someone in the bonus room. I sent her out to get her dad from the garage while I grabbed the baseball bat and went running up the stairs, prepared to defend my family at all costs. I charged into the room, flipped the light switch and she followed behind me, pointing. I looked and found the perpetrator! With a name on his chest!
It was dark enough without the light on that if you glanced, the way the room was built, it might look like someone was standing there. My husband came running in with a crowbar because of course, small children so the guns were locked in one part of the house and the ammo in another with a different key.
At least we all had a good laugh.
Good to know what I signed up for.
I’m very highly myopic(nearsighted or as I like to say Velma like) and during the recent holidays the one night my 18 year old daughter’s computer made a scream noise at 2 am. I run full pell mell without my glasses in to her room because she’s screaming and I’m going to inflict Daredevil (Charlie Cox NOT Ben Affleck Daredevil just so we’re clear) type justice on whoever is making her scream. I can’t see them but I’m going to hurt them if they’re touching her. Turns out to be nothing, but I was ready I may not see them coming but I was going to pile a mountain of hurt on anyone who was hurting her. The good news is I didn’t have to see any weird looks from her when I asked her if she is okay after bursting into her room. I just told her to put in her headphones after I was told it was the computer.
I feel like the Incredible Hulk when those times arise. I go from 5’3″ to Attack of the 50 Foot Woman!!!
I don’t need to subscribe because I check your site every day. I like you that much.
Ha, so basically you get extra Texan when your kid might be in danger. 😉
When my mom was new to the whole parenting thing, and my dad was on a business trip, she thought she heard a prowler in the bushes in the middle of the night. She called our babysitter, an 80-year-old little Italian lady, who came bombing out of her house in slippers & a housecoat with a Louisville Slugger & dig a few circuits of our house, whacking all the bushes for good measure. 🙂 don’t mess with Mimis either!
My mother likes to remind me that I used to call them in to do nightly spider checks of my room. She calls it crazy, I call it common sense.
Yes to all of this.
“Brave, reckless and terribly, terribly stupid.” For sure. That would explain why, when my then toddler gleefully toddled at full speed toward the street as a Suburban was barreling down it, I ran as fast as I could toward the kid/ street with the following thoughts running through my mind: “I’m not going to make it to him before he gets to the street, but if I push him out of the way, then I’ll take the impact and he’ll be ok. It’s really going to hurt, getting hit by a Suburban. Here we go!” It was one of those moments that time slowed down. By the grace of God, the car slowed down and turned into the driveway of the property we were visiting (for a birthday party), and I reached the kiddo as he hit the middle of the street. He was just fine. I was a mess and immediately went out and bought one of those kid harness/leash things.
Way to go, mama bear! Protect that cub. Alternatively, you could do what my friend did and let your 8 year old watch Planet of the Apes, then hide under his bed and make gorilla noises just as he is about to fall asleep, scaring the absolute bananas out of him.
You’ve encapsulated parenting right there. <3
That’s why I wear Docs — they leave a lasting impression — in more ways than one. Plus, now my grandchildren can legit say “my grandma wears army boots”… oh wait, that’s what people would say to them. I’m just going to kick their ass if anyone ever says that to my grandkids!
I have made so many mistakes as a parent, but so far, my kids have turned out okay.
My daughter is the self-rescuing kind, these days. I think I’d find out about a burglar or some such after the 9-1 was dialed, when she stops to wonder what to tell the police.
I’d pay good money to see Victor wielding a samurai sword.
I’ve said it before (tho’ it has been a while) and I’ll say it again – I love you Bloggess, I really do. Methinks I should just copy this comment and then paste it into the comments of every post of yours -not too creepy, is it? Anyway, your blog makes me laugh every time I read it. Thanks.
I always applaud parents who can tell their kids it’s all good and to go to bed. Mine tried but I thought ghosts lived in my room so I couldn’t sleep in my own bed until I was like 12 :/ lol
When my guy is away on business I lie in bed thinking about what I would do if someone broke in and tried to attack my 13 year old daughter. In my mind I am an f-ing superhero. I do Ninja kicks, karate chops and killer pressure points that incapacitate them. Funny thing is I have never been in a fight, have one wonky hip and people make fun of my freakishly small hands and feet. Still, no one touches my girl.
I seriously didn’t think anyone else dial 9-1 then walked around with the phone in their hand about to dial the other 1 when shit got real.
PLEASE bring back the Stupid Human Tricks thread as I pulled a beaut on myself the other day and have no one to tell! There must be others of us out there who still have more sharing to do.
I’ve always thought “Boy who cried wolf” was a dumb story. I don’t care how pissed off you are with your kid, if you think there’s even a change he might get eaten by a wolf you’re going to make sure he’s okay.
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