Happy Valentine’s Day, fellow hermits.

You know those candy hearts that taste like cancer and that have somewhat needy and trite things written on them?  I fucking hate those.  Which is why I glared at Victor when he handed me one.  Then I read it and took back everything I’ve ever said about them.

thebloggess let's read


(Real people = introverts and hermits.)

Victor said he looked for one that would be a better fit but he couldn’t find one that said “MR. WHISKERS LUVS U 2.”  And that’s what Valentines Day is all about.  Being with someone who gets you.  And overpriced commercial bullshit.  But that’s another post.

PS. I can’t find who made this first to credit them but it’s the best Valentine’s Day card I’ve seen all year.

Screen Shot 2016-02-14 at 12.22.46 PM

PPS.  “Mr. Whiskers” is one of the outdoor cats that lives in our neighborhood.  It’s not a nickname for a penis.  That would be a super gross nickname.  I’m not even sure why I’m having to clarify this.


And now, the weekly wrap-up:

bloggess sid

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):


    • Want a signed copy of my books inscribed to you?  Click here.  Also, yes, I will write “knock knock, motherfucker” in your book.  Just ask.
    • What I’m reading:  If you like zombie novels you’ll probably enjoy Cured.  I’m ready for the next one.  A ton of people recommended The Girl With All the Gifts so I’m starting that today.
    • Good company, y’all.
    • That crab’s got a knife and will cut you and I think I want to be best friends with it:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Virtually Ellen.  Looking for help on the time-consuming projects that keep you from real life?  Check her out. “As a Personal and Virtual Assistant, I love working with creative people who need a hand with necessary but time consuming tasks so they have more free time to focus on their brilliant projects or simply reduce overwhelm. I could be just what you need to manage the hundred little things that need to happen to make every project – and every day – a success. I’d love the opportunity to work with you, give you some extra hours in the day, and simplify life!” Check her out here.

117 thoughts on “Happy Valentine’s Day, fellow hermits.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. My hubby gave me a card that said “We hate all the same celebrities” and I gave him one that said “We go together like coffee and doughnuts”. Actually I nearly bought him the one he gave me, which would be two in a row as we gave each other identical Christmas cards.

  2. Now that’s a candy heart message!! If you put it in Rory’s hand, I’ll use it for more Furiously Happy library promotions!!
    Happy Real People Red Heart Day!
    (Thanks for clarifying Mr. Whiskers station in life… not that I needed any clarification for whatever Victor thinks is an appropriate gift. But it did make for better imaging in my brain. The PPS part. )

  3. When I complete rewrites on my manuscript, I am going to treat myself to “Furiously Happy.” I’d like it inscribed “Dear Heather, it’s about time. You finally got off your butt and did it,” please.

    I covet the Valentine. I also read the post about Totes MaGoats, and I had no idea he was holding a chameleon. Reptile zookeeper, here. Does that taxidermist do chameleons, too? The real reason to become a successful author- to buy awesome dead things.

  4. We went to get an ultrasound of the hubster this morning. Told the Lg Fry who then asked if he was pregnant. Not your typical Valentine’s Day.

  5. never did think much about valentine’s day (although i laughed myself silly when i saw the sign in front of the florist…one of those real-life “how could you not think this through” moments…”get your sweetie something for VD!”)

    for me it’s always been about the 15th and half price candy day!

  6. I’d rather Hubby take the dog out to poop instead of buying me roses. But I get roses. But haha on him: two days ago I wasn’t home, and the dog ate my garden shoe and then pooped my garden shoe. Happy Valentine’s Day, Hubby!

  7. Just got your book today and am so excited to read it. I hope you don’t mind when I hunt you down at Erma to sign it.

  8. As one hermit to another, I salute you! And props to Victor for the awesome heart!!! Hug the ones you love, today and every day!!

  9. Typical Valentine’s Day (or any Sunday) here.
    Him: Isn’t it a little early to drink wine?
    Me: No. I’m not going anywhere today and I’m reading and enjoying the sunshine. (Because it’s February and we haven’t reached the surface temperature of the sun yet)
    Him: By the way there’s a dead possum under that bucket.
    Me: Are you going to get rid of it?
    Him: No, it’s ok. It’s been dead for awhile. (goes back into the house)

  10. My husband took me to see Deadpool for our valentine’s date. I love him, he’s my density.
    Thank you for your support of my down times. It means a lot.

    Also, may I recommend “I am Princess X” by Cherie Priest. It’s young adult, but it’s cool.

  11. I’ve never been a fan of Valentine’s Day, anyway. February 15th is more my thing – that’s when all the chocolate goes on sale!

  12. There must be a market for candy hearts for introverts.

    On the subject of zombie stories, have you read Mira Grant’s Newsflesh trilogy? (Feed, Deadline and Blackout) It’s a political thriller that just happens to be set 25 years after the zombies rise.

  13. Happy V Day! I wanted to send a photo I took of a windchime made of spoons that I bought
    today at Meijer! However, I’m not tech savvy so I don’t know how to do it. Perhaps you can all make a mental picture! It was a great Valentine’s gift to myself since I LOVE the spoon theory. Thanks Jenny. p.s. For book #3, plan a trip to Detroit…or at least Ann Arbor! thanks. love you

  14. I bought Emoticon candy hearts from Target this year. They’re totally more relate-able. Spellcheck says relateable isn’t a word, but I say it is.

  15. Love is either 24/7/365 or nothing (really, love is…like, not so much)…so happy February 14th. It’s a grand day any day you have someone that understands you by your side.

  16. Jenny,

    Happy Valentine’s Day! I’m leaving this here, because it’s as good a place as any. I wanted to comment on the Audies post but I missed it. Your words have always been bright spots in my darkest places. When all else fails, and I just want to crawl inside my head and disappear, I can listen to you, to your audio books, and without fail, no matter how bad I feel, or how many times I have heard that particular part, you can make me smile, even laugh. It’s almost Pavlovian now; I hear your voice, and I remember that depression lies, and I can put one foot in front of the other again. It’s also really awesome that if I do something weird, or silly, or even kind of stupid (in a good way) and I feel awkward about it, I can think to myself “The Bloggess would totally get this” and feel less awkward. I can’t think of you in my head as Jenny because that’s my name and then it feels like I’m being all pretentious and thinking of myself in the third person, plus it gets confusing really fast.

    I’ve joined a couple of new online communities recently, which has given my anxiety so much fodder. But I got lucky, and I feel comfortable there, and I found good people. I’m telling you that because of a comment I got on one of those forums not long ago. I had posted, mentioning some of my issues, without even thinking about it. Several days later, someone I had never spoken to before commented to thank me for being open about it, and telling me that I was brave to speak up. I was startled, and deeply touched. I wanted to tell you about it because I learned that from you. You taught me the bravery to speak up about what is going on in my head, to do it often enough that I can almost forget the stigma attached to it, and the immeasurable value that comes from finding out you’re not alone. Thank you so much for that. And for all the laughs.

    another broken Jenny

  17. Well, my husband gave me a card that was really sweet – luckily I know him enough to realize that when he wrote “I can’t imagine living my life with you”, that he really meant “I can’t imagine living my life without you.” He is always leaving words off. We laughed really hard about that one for a while. The only indulging in the “Capitalism at it’s finest” day that we did was go out to breakfast at a local fast food restaurant. 🙂 Oh, and I bought us some Reese’s Peanut Butter hearts because they are like crack. Also, I’m making chicken and waffles for dinner and I think I’m going to make heart shaped waffles (the frozen kind – with a cookie cutter). We have his kids here tonight. 🙂

  18. Jenny you are totally awesome and kudos to victor for loving you so very much, you are a lucky lady, to not have a selfish man.

  19. I had a cat named Mr. Whiskers as a child. I did not realize it was a euphemism for a penis. Maybe that’s why all my friends laugh at the name and not just because I was not imaginative as a child in naming things (see my other childhood cat named Fluffy, who was, as I’m sure you’ve guessed by now, fluffy)

  20. I spent my VD in my apartment. I went for a walk, I ironed my shirts, I cooked and ate, I watched Star Trek and Harry Potter. Then I went and bought a pizza. It was a great day.
    I hope VD was good for everyone.

  21. Ack I want all the candy and chocolates!!!
    I’m a candy and chocolate whore!! Bahahaha someone love me and feed me, clearly I shouldn’t be left alone.

    I need a nap now.

    Happy Valentines Day!

  22. I love your writing and your blog. On a day when it is easy to feel lonely, reading your writing helps me feel so much less alone and strange. Thank you!

  23. I gave my husband a chocolate heart that said “I love you more than chocolate” he smiled, kissed me, and said “I don’t believe you” He knows me so well.

  24. If you can order M&Ms with people’s pictures on them, I don’t know why you can’t get candy hearts with any damn thing you want on them.

  25. Thank you Jenny! listening to “Lets Pretend…” and I’m on the chapter re:girlfriends. I’ve always felt like a freak of nature because I don’t have girlfriends – but maybe that’s not so terrible? I’m listening on…..hope you don’t decide that friendship is the key to happiness, or I’m doomed…should I keep listening?

  26. Yes yes The girl with all the gifts is mindblowing! I loved every single page of it, and that was well out of my comfort reading-zone.

  27. The line where you clarified the meaning of the name “Mr. Whiskers” made me laugh out loud. If I may, let me suggest this edit: “Mr. Whiskers isn’t the nickname for my husband’s penis. Not since he started manscaping, that is.”

  28. Happy Valentines for whomever cares about Valentines day. Attempting to un-hermit just a little, so I just spend mine alone in a cinema full of couples watching Deadpool and I didn’t feel weird at all. So, this Valentines day has been great even if I hate Valentines day (look; I managed to say Valentines day 5 times in one post!). hides the vodka tonic glass

  29. One dark, rainy night, long long ago, my husband and I were riding around in the hills above lake Ithaca seeking an interesting little cabaret in which to celebrate our anniversary. He was driving MY little BMW Z3 and zipping around like a mad man. I attempted to alert him but he was does not really like my attempts to back seat drive…He hit, by swerving (and completely by accident) two…yes TWO racoons at the same time. He has never lived it down. I copied your porcupine (and wish I could write the poster a thank you note). Made a simple card – and suddenly a gray, dreary Valentine’s day is perfect!!!!!!

  30. There’s a generator I use to make my own (grody) candy hearts (at least for online viewing) that say things like Fuck Off, Hate You, and Candy Is For Closers Only. However, I think Victor’s (grody) candy heart wins.

  31. Real world valentines . Great idea . Perhaps …
    Will you be Swine?
    My heart belongs to Uber
    Shrugs to U

  32. Happy Valentine’s Day to you Jenny and all the fellow bloggers here.

    I’ve never been a big fan of those candy hearts either but I’d definitely tolerate them a lot more if I knew they came in messages like “Let’s Read”.

  33. That’s so perfect! Was hoping for a sweet little something from this blog today. Jenny never disappoints. 😀 Nor do any of the folks in the comments. <3 everyone.

    I’m celebrating by giving “Warm Bodies” a read instead of watching the movie this year.

    Highly recommend, so far

  34. I do like the candy, but hate valentine’s day. My husbands mother died a year before we met on February 10 and was buried February 14. It’s a bummer for him every year, lots of anxiety, for us both.Hate the holiday and the commercials…..jen

  35. OOooOOhhh I can still get a signed book, even though I wussed out when you were doing the signing at my favorite bookstore ever? YAY!!! (I did get the bookplate, and bought the book later. But I can’t find what I did with the bookplate. WTF, ME?)

    In other news, I saw the crab video, and immediately thought of you. Glad to know my instincts are on target. Happy Valentines, Hissy Possum. If you want me, I’ll be playing dead over by the dumpster!

  36. Thank you for posting today. I hate this day. My dad passed away 7 years ago today. I’m apparently chronically single. And I stepped out of my introvert comfort zone to attend a GALentine’s Day event at a local coffee shop for single women & it was a fucking bust. Apparently they were all in a back room somewhere with NO signage to indicate anything was even going on. I sat there like an idiot for an hour with no acknowledgement from any staff (except when the barista took my order). I’m now spending the remainder of the day reading while eating cookies & strawberries

  37. Once, my husband got cheesy kids’ cards, wrote dirty messages on them, and hid them around the house. It was so much fun until my son found one…

  38. The company is amazing! Congratulations – that is truly an honor!
    I feel sorry for the crab – I sort of want him to stab the hand that’s going after him and make a break for it…which is probably saying something about how I feel about Valentine’s Day, but whatever, be free..

  39. No cards…….thank heavens! However I received a copy of your first book Let’s Pretend This Never Happened. About to grab a glass of wine and sit down to begin reading the book. THANK YOU so much for being you!!!!!!

  40. Best gross candy heart ever! The best one I saw this year was mid-read by one of my second grade students as “let’s kick.” It’s not as poetic as “let’s kiss,” but he’s 8 and doesn’t sit still, so it fit. I let him. (Kick, that is, but not kick me because I’m an adult. Kid put on quite a dance party). Sometimes I love my job.

  41. The first Valentine’s Day I had with my boyfriend-now-husband, he gave me a box of those dumb hearts. I took them all out of the box and spent an hour alphabetizing them without eating a single one. I haven’t gotten a box since. Strange.

  42. LOVE the idea of ‘real world’ Valentines…As a single person I indulge myself in hating Valentine’s Day and all of the sappy love stuff that comes along with it. But, I decided to celebrate my ‘real world’ valentine’s this year and I had a great time basking in, and remembering, all of the love that does surround me instead of focusing on the love that doesn’t!

  43. I hate those things too… but I have seen ones that are written for real people with real relationships. I need one that says “Netflix and Chill.” But seriously, I’m grateful for this Valentine’s Day. I said I didn’t want to celebrate. I said I thought it was stupid and a waste of money. But in my super depressed and spiraling out of control mess that I’m in, My Fancy little date with the husband last night was a great distraction. I need more distractions. Thanks for being one of them.

  44. They do not taste like cancer, they taste like chalky sugar. Cancer doesn’t taste, or allow you to taste, cancer removes flavor from foods and beverages. Chalky sugar is an improvement on cancer taste.

  45. I sent The Girl with all the Gifts to one of the people during Booksgiving. It sounded really good so I picked it as the next audio book I would listen to with my sister. We are almost done. It is a really good book. Maybe we will have to check out Cured next.

  46. I have to tell you this story. I downloaded audible and my BFF sent me the girl with all the gifts. I’m not a huge zombie fan but she is so I said fuck it I’ll give it a whirl. Half way through I couldn’t get into it, so I bought furiously happy. I loved every fucking second of this book after I finished that I bought let’s pretend this never happened and loved it too! Now you have set the bar so high I can’t listen to anyone else’s book, I decided to go back to the girl with all the gifts and I ended up loving it. Now I’d like yiu to write another book so my commute to work isn’t so boring 🙂

  47. I love Sweethearts candy. Its my favorite thing about the commercial-y part of V Day.y daughter told me this today”Mama, I love you. Your the best mama in the world and you are mine forever”. I.cried,yall. I cried and I don’t care who knows it.

  48. I’m rooting for Stabby the Crab! Seriously, if some ass-wipe kept grabbing at me, I’d totally pick up a knife too.

    Happy VD to all the fabulous members of our tribe. Each and every one of you is mondiferously AWESOMATIOUS! 🙂

  49. I love you for writing this today. I am utterly alone. I rarely/barely leave the house. My paralyzing anxiety & health issues keep me in Isolation. I wish Jenny & family + pets (*live cats & taxidermied-assorted) a Happy holiday weekend. I rcvd. A Valentine from my Dad, I gave him 2 cards. I cried @Lilo & Stitch because it was the Last movie my Mom watched w me. Now, she is an angel. Dad is 92. Their wedding anniv. Was today. Thanks to Shawn for gifting me Jenny’s book. It’s a Forever-I’m keeping it-treasure.💕

  50. I love you for writing this today. I am utterly alone. I rarely/barely leave the house. My paralyzing anxiety & health issues keep me in Isolation. I wish Jenny & family + pets (*live cats & taxidermied-assorted) a Happy holiday weekend. I rcvd. A Valentine from my Dad, I gave him 2 cards. I cried @Lilo & Stitch because it was the Last movie my Mom watched w me. Now, she is an angel. Dad is 92. Their wedding anniv. Was today. Thanks to Shawn for gifting me Jenny’s book. It’s a Forever-I’m keeping it-treasure.💕 the stabby crab, yes -we Totally could be friends.

  51. Overheard at Costco early on V-Day morning: “Should I get that chick flowers, or just keep it real?”

  52. Jenny, I’ve been a sporadic reader but never commenter. I will change that! Just read Furiously Happy and you’re my hero. 🙂

  53. I like your definition of Valentine’s Day better than any I’ve ever seen. “Being with someone who gets you.” That’s better than any romance.

    Well, except for getting a green mustang with a bow on top as a present. That’s pretty freaking romantic.

  54. My husband told me yesterday that he just read your latest book. He said it was called ” Victor is Furiously Happy” and in the book you cleaned the house, put away all the laundry and stopped collecting dead animals – and also live animals . That Victor came home to a clean house and a hot meal every night. it was the funniest book he ever read. I told him Victor worked from home he was a horrible liar and I didn’t appreciate his attempt at humor. Then he told me that you are a terrible influence on me. I told him that I was a pretty terrible influence on myself long before the Bloggess came along. He agreed and said that I didn’t need any encouragement and that, now that he thought about it,he suspected that I was actually the Bloggess and I was using this whole Jenny Lawson thing as a pen name. I asked him if there was a 5 foot metal chicken on the property and if he has recently seen a raccoon riding the cats. That out his mind at ease somewhat. Then he said that maybe it would be better if I WAS the person writing these things because at least all my insanity would be worth while. I think it is worth while just because it keep life interesting anyhow but he disagrees. Then he asked that I never send him a text that says ” there was a small explosion but we are all ok” and then not answer the phone for the next 4 hours again. He is just NOT gonna give that up. I TOLD him we were all ok. Sorry, this is an especially long ramble. Anyhow, Happy made up commercial holiday!


    I’m going to open Crab Home Protectiin Inc., now.

    We will provide you with a crab and shank for your home protection. No guarantees that your crab won’t shank you though.

    Want to invest Jenny?

    Any lawsuits could be handled by providing the litigant with drawn butter.

  56. Read The Hundred Year Old Man Who Climbed Out the Window and Disappeared, and The Girl Who Saved the King of Sweden, by Jonas Jonasson. READ THEM!! You will thank me!

  57. Hi Jenny! Posting this here b/c I’m not sure where else to leave the message (though I did love the Valentine’s Post) just to tell you how much I LOVED Furiously Happy! I finished it yesterday (Happy Valentine’s Day to me) and wanted to tell you that I was cracking up at SO MANY PARTS, reading them to my husband as he sat looking at me like I was crazy, and especially relating to the hiding out when someone knocks at your door! Just as I was about to start writing this I walked out to my living room, saw a truck pull up out front, and dropped to the ground so he couldn’t see me in the window. What’s worse is that I’m homeschooling my kids this year so now they’re getting in on the crazy too and we all hide when someone comes to the door. Although, to their credit, they do usually at least peek before hiding. Anyway, thanks again for another terrific book!

  58. The most important thing I got from the post is that Bookpeople said it’d be cool if you lived at Bookpeople. Which means they are open to the idea of letting you live inside Bookpeople.

    I would cut someone to live inside Bookpeople. CUT.

  59. The point of those hearts is to see how many of them you can string together to make into a truly awesome conversation. Irreverence counts, as does lack of politeness. We used to do this in the high school

  60. The point of those hearts is to see how many of them you can string together to make into a truly awesome conversation. Irreverence counts, as does lack of politeness. We used to do this in the high school lunchroom, so you can imagine….

  61. Thankful to have found you. Just finished Furiously Happy and immediately purchased Lets Just Pretend. I’m in the throes of my own darkness now and having trouble finding enough fight to come out. Such a perfect time to stumble upon a book like Furiously Happy. Thank you for that.

  62. This post inspires me to request that you create a 2016 Bloggess daily planner in your shop. Perhaps then each day I can be reminded that I have a tribe and not feel compelled to go home and suck on a tailpipe.

  63. My friend reposted that Valentine’s card as well (I”m not sure who came up with it either) and I got quite a chuckle out of it, because I have been hit by a car, but I have not eaten trash.

  64. Someone always gives a bucket of those crappy hearts to my office at Valentine’s Day. We played “what’s your Valentine’s fortune” by picking ones at random. Mine was blank.

  65. Why do the possum remind me of Peeta from The Hunger Games?? Seriously, does no one else see this??

  66. The perfect valentine candy for me would say, “You’re my flavor of crazy.” Probably wouldn’t taste very good though, because I’m pretty sure crazy tastes like dirty clothes.

  67. I do not like the taste either. Cards are overrated. My boyfriend got me an awesome new gym bag for Valentines Day and we went out for a great dinner. But I still love the rat card.

  68. Husband was feeling dreary, so I showed him the crab video. It cheered him. And scared him a little. So many questions. “Where did it get the knife? Did someone hand it to him, or did he JUST PICK IT UP?” I may never get him to the beach again.

  69. It was below zero outside here in the northeast on Valentine’s Day and a steam pipe in our outside wall froze, exploded and fractured and filled our apartment with steam and over the next half hour while we frantically called the building’s manager’s cell phone and left frantic messages begging for help, gallons of steaming hot water poured into our living room and spread out in a puddle that reached the bedroom, kitchen and hallway until finally it petered out. The building manager wandered in 3 hours later. I spent V Day and President’s Day sucking up and dumping out 90 gallons of water with a shop vac but today it still smells like an aquarium in here.

    We’re going to have to move into another apartment in the building but apparently they have to paint it and put in new carpet first. (Take your time, boys, I’ll just be over here watching my antiques mold.) On the positive side, the new apartment is much nicer than this one! Beautiful tile work in the kitchen and new fixtures in the bathroom!

  70. My daughter with 4 young kids was handing out candy hearts and said “Be careful. These are choking hazards”. Later my grandson told her “Mom, those choking hazards taste good”. He thought that was the name of the candy. 😂 Maybe it should be….

  71. For Valentine’s Day I went to a wine-tasting with friends…and had a panic attack in the middle of it. And my friends hugged me and told me everything was fine and to STOP APOLOGIZING and that it was time for me to talk to a doctor about this and that they would come with me when I did. I just made my appointment. I’m nervous and excited and this might have been the best Valentine’s ever.

  72. My best friend and I are reading “furiously happy” and always read your posts to each other. Love it! I’ve always wanted to give some irreverent heart candies to someone but then forget bc the romantic expectation seems to always be stronger than the sarcasm. One day, it’s gonna happen to some unsuspecting victim. 😈

  73. I LOVE that card…hahahahahahahahahahahaha
    PPS – my friends bf calls his (I swear this is true) – “Big Daddy”….and again….hahahahahahahaha

  74. Late to the comment party,and someone may have already recommended it, but you should read ‘Fiend’ by Peter Stenson. It’s like a cross between Breaking Bad and Walking Dead–meth use prevents zombie-ism. So,yeah, you know that will end well.

  75. I just got my signed copy of Furiously Happy and it’s a bit… oily? You didn’t jack off on it, did you? Because that would be awesome but ew at the same time.

  76. I’m so so glad I’ve come across your blog!
    No roses, no dinners this year…yet one of the best ones ever!
    That card is awesome!
    hahahaha 🙂

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